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THE INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER OF WASHINGTON UNIVERSIT Y IN ST. LOUIS SINCE 1878 Oral sex, hymens, armor and bunnies are all in today’s Forum—plus talk of offensive flyers, small beds and other campus snafus. Page 7.

Penis or not a penis? Cadenza staffers weigh in on this conundrum. Also inside: porn parodies, animal sex and V-Day tunes. Page 14.

VOLUME 127, NO. 52

See Sports for our infamous WU Athlete Centerfold! Page 20.

News and Scene have surveys covering sexual assault, cheating, and virginity, plus the inside scoop on students’ love and sex lives. Pages 2, 10.



Sex Issue 2006 The Morning After

Sophomore Architecture student Claudia Bode does a sub-zero “walk of shame” on a windy Sunday afternoon for Student Life’s Valentine’s Day Sex Issue. DAVID BRODY | STUDENT LIFE


Senior News Editors / Kristin McGrath and Liz Neukirch /

STUDENT LIFE One Brookings Drive #1039 #42 Women’s Building Saint Louis, MO 63130-4899 News: (314) 935-5995 Advertising: (314) 935-6713 Fax: (314) 935-5938 email: Copyright 2006 Editor in Chief: Margaret Bauer Associate Editor: Liz Neukirch Managing Editor: David Tabor Senior News Editors: Kristin McGrath, Liz Neukirch Senior Forum Editor: Molly Antos Senior Cadenza Editor: Laura Vilines Senior Scene Editor: Sarah Baicker Senior Sports Editor: Justin Davidson Senior Photo Editor: David Brody News Editors: Mandy Silver, Caroline Wekselbaum Forum Editors: Daniel Milstein, Jeff Stepp, Matt Shapiro, Joshua Trein Cadenza Editors: Adam Summerville, Jordan Deam, Robbie Gross Scene Editors: Sarah Klein, Erin Fults Sports Editor:Joe Ciolli Photo Editors: David Hartstein, Pam Buzzetta, Meghan Luecke Online Editor: Dan Daranciang Design Chief: Laura McLean Copy Editors: Allie McKay, Nina Perlman, Kelly Donahue, Erin Fults, Rebecca Emshwiller, hannah draper, Julian Beattie, Mallory Wilder, Paige Creo Designers: Ellen Lo, Anna Dinndorf, Jamie Reed, Andy Gavinski, Elizabeth Kaufman, Kate Ehrlich General Manager: Andrew O’Dell Advertising Manager: Sara Judd Copyright 2006 Washington University Student Media, Inc. (WUSMI). Student Life is the financially and editorially independent, student-run newspaper serving the Washington University community. First copy of each publication is free; all additional copies are 50 cents. Subscriptions may be purchased for $80.00 by calling (314) 935-6713. Student Life is a publication of WUSMI and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the Washington University administration, faculty or students. All Student Life articles, photos and graphics are the property of WUSMI and may not be reproduced or published without the express written consent of the General Manager. Pictures and graphics printed in Student Life are available for purchase; e-mail editor@ for more information. Student Life reserves the right to edit all submissions for style, grammar, length and accuracy. The intent of submissions will not be altered. Student Life reserves the right not to publish all submissions. If you’d like to place an ad, please contact the Advertising Department at (314) 935-6713.

If you wish to report an error or request a clarification, e-mail

Sexual assault happening right under our noses, says our survey By Margy Levinson Contributing Reporter Of the 68 Washington University students polled by Student Life, 25 percent replied that they had been sexually touched or grabbed against their will, three percent admitted to being victims of unwanted sexual contact, sexual assault or rape and six percent of students had confessed that they had in fact been perpetrators of unwanted sexual contact. Of these, 38 percent said that the above had taken place in college. Yet it is likely that these incidents and others were never reported. “I think sexual assault itself, whether on this campus or other campuses, goes highly unreported,” said Washington University Chief of Police Don Strom. According to the U.S. Department of Education, there were three arrests in 2002 for forcible sex offenses at Washington University. Two were reported in 2003 and 10 in 2004. This jump in arrests does not indicate, however, that more offenses are being reported. “Less than 5 percent of completed and attempted [incidents of sexual assault] are actually brought to the attention of campuses or authority of college students,” said Strom. According to a recent New York Times article, “[A] survey by the American Association of University Women…found that one in six [women] had received suggestive pictures, web pages or messages, while seven percent had had their clothes pulled down and five percent were asked for sexual favors in exchange for a better grade, class notes, a recommendation or other perks.” Despite the wide variety of conduct that can be defined as sexual assault, victims often assume that anything less than rape does not qualify as assault, said Eleatha Surratt, a psychiatrist at Student Health Services. Although Surratt has been at the University for only about a year, she has been a practicing psychiatrist for 13 years and has observed that “[various forms of sexual assault] can all produce devastating reactions in victims.” Such effects might also explain why reporting sexual assault crimes is often difficult for victims. “The person may be emotionally numb and have difficulty providing the information that is needed,” said Surratt. After the immediate trauma, longer-lasting effects of sexual assault can take a hold of a victim. “Prior to coming to Wash. U., I found a broad majority of clients that I would see as well-functioning would but often have a history of some sexually inappropriate behavior, [like] child abuse, date rape, harassment in the work place,” said Surratt. “I see [this] as a major problematic factor for people who may present later with depression or anxiety.” According to Strom, there is a procedure taken by the Washington University Police Department (WUPD) for those who feel that they have been a victim of sexual assault and or rape.



Wives to be before a degree v Three female WU students share their experiences being engaged at college By Marla Friedman Associate Reporter Junior Alexandra Bannister has been engaged for six years. When she was 16, she met her fiancé at Steak ‘n Shake, where he waited on her, and he proposed about three months later. “[Being engaged while at college] is not necessarily as difficult as it is just different,” said Bannister. “Maybe it’s harder for me to integrate socially because I’m at such a different place in my life, but I also have a support network that other people don’t have.” As recently as the 1960s, a woman was considered to be less than successful if she left college without a fiancé. But by 2002, the U.S. Census estimated that the median age for first marriages was 27 and 25 years old for men and women, respectively. Still, Valentine’s Day this year will find some students like Bannister celebrating with their husbands- or wives-to-be. Dr. Marci Gleason, a research scientist at the University, reflects on the difficulties of being in a serious relationship in college. “A lot of change takes place in college, and many times it’s difficult to make those changes with another person. But if you’re on the same page and can make the changes together, it might be a good sign that your relationship will make it.” Senior Aline Gray was not expecting to get engaged so early in life, but does seem to be “on the same page” as her partner. Gray had been dating her boyfriend for a little over a year when he proposed. This was not in Gray’s “life plan,” but she was ecstatic nonetheless. “I was planning on being out of college for a couple of years before I settled down,” said Gray. “It’s taken me by surprise, but I think it’s a good thing, because we have something to plan for. We’ve already starting to save for our lives instead of spending the money—it’s for a

cause, it’s for a good thing.” Gray says that being a student and having a fiancé is an interesting balancing act. “It is hard to find time to spend together, especially because he doesn’t go to school anymore,” said Gray. “We see each other a lot at night; we go to all-night diners a lot to talk about the day. But it is hard to find time.” Still, she is more than satisfied with her decision to say “yes.” “It’s been an interesting experience to go through at college because it’s something I never expected,” she said. “It’s definitely a big decision, but I think I made the right one, so I’m happy.” Senior Francine Grasso also didn’t think she would meet her husband in college. Yet on the day after Thanksgiving last year, she got engaged under the Brookings Archway.

“I’m a Catholic, went to an allgirls school and I’m more conservative,” said Grasso. “I wasn’t expecting to find a guy at Wash. U. Then my girlfriend was like, ‘Oh, you should meet Chris,’ and I’m like, ‘No, I don’t want to, I don’t want to be set up.’ But then she brought him anyway even though I said no.” Grasso can thank her friend today for brushing aside her request. Unlike Gray, Grasso has found it easy to find time for both her schoolwork and her fiancé. “He’s a computer programmer and he has a huge project that he’s trying to work on so he can start his own company,” said Grasso. “It would be hard if we had to make time for each other, but we’re with each other while we do work.” Mike Merbaum, a psychology professor, recommends that young



Seniors Alex Barcham and Cheryl Simon are engaged to be married. While sometimes a difficult thing, college couples can make these early engagements work.

Ask the experts: How college life affects your love life By Jessie Rothstein Staff Reporter One need only ask the sexiled on a weekend night to learn that college presents a unique opportunity for romantic exploration. While relationship experts agree that college brings young people together in an atmosphere that provides incredible possibilities for a variety of relationships, they are also quick to point out the ways in which a college environment can threaten the potential of successful and beneficial relationships. “It’s very healthy…we have to remember that people used to get

married at 20 years old, so there’s nothing wrong with a serious relationship in college,” said Laurie Puhn, J.D., a communications expert and the bestselling author of, “Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life.” Nevertheless, Puhn identified several challenges of dating at college, most notably the fact that couples who build relationships on campus cannot assume that their relationships will survive outside of the college atmosphere. “You’re kind of in a safety zone in a way where a lot of the conflicts in life don’t exist,” said Puhn. Parents may not pay much at-

tention to their children’s college relationships, for example, and college students do not have to travel for business. Since college couples are not forced to face the challenges that other couples do, Puhn advised that college relationships get tested in the “real world” before moving on to a deeper level of commitment. The college environment also has the potential to lead to artificial or unhealthy relationships due to the tendency of students to look for a source of comfort during a time of uncertainty.

See EXPERTS, page 13


In a poll conducted by Student Life, 25 percent of students indicated that they had been sexually touched or grabbed against their will.

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Senior News Editors / Kristin McGrath and Liz Neukirch /



Student Life’s

Grade level of respondents:

Sex Survey 2006 Compiled by Liz Neukirch Senior News Editor Students at Washington University are overestimating their classmates’ sexual experience—at least according to this year’s Student Life sex survey. Of the 332 students randomly

Juniors - 16%

“virgin� if s/he has had oral sex?

Sophomores - 29%

Seniors - 22%

surveyed, 75 percent believed that less than 40 percent of the undergraduate student body are virgins; yet results indicate that in reality, 43 percent have not lost the “Big V� (which is consistent with last year’s result of 44 percent). The final outcomes of each question on the survey are listed below, with the percent of students who marked each response.

What percent of WU undergrads are virgins?

Would you consider someone a

Grad students - 6%

Freshmen - 27%

Is it important for people to be in love before they have sex for the ďŹ rst time?

More than 70 percent - 2% Less than 10 percent - 4% 55 to 69 percent - 5%

No - 15%

No - 22%

40 to 54 percent - 18%

Yes - 43% 25 to 39 percent - 44%

Yes - 85%

Maybe - 35%

10 to 24 percent - 27%

When did you lose your virginity? Age 14 and under - 3% Age 21 and over - 4%

If you have lost your virginity... Did/do you love the person

Were you at the “right� age

you lost your virginity to?

when you lost your virginity? No, I should have had sex sooner - 10%

Ages 15 to 16 - 12%

I’m still a virgin - 43%

Ages 19 to 20 - 12%

No, I should have waited longer - 15%

No - 38%

Ages 17 to 18 - 26% Yes - 62%

Yes - 75%

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Senior News Editors / Kristin McGrath and Liz Neukirch /


‘Pour some fructose on me’: How to go downtown By David Brody Senior Photo Editor

v Fruit Fellatio

v Citrus Cunnilingus

First, become familiar with your citrus. Know the ins and outs of the grapefruit.

Warm up with some gentle rubbing and foreplay. Get those grapefruit juices flowing before getting down to work.

Start off by teasing the banana. Run your tongue lightly over the tip.

Be gentle with the banana. If you are too rough you could hurt it, resulting in both a bruised banana and ego.

Don’t be squeemish about diving right into the heart of the citrus.

Give that citrus an experience it will never forget. If your tongue isn’t sore by the time you finish, you haven’t been thorough enough.

The cardinal rule when blowing a banana is be careful not to use your teeth. The fruit is very sensitive to scraping.

Try to mix it up a little by cupping the kiwis and giving them some lovin’.

Remember to put plenty of focus and pressure on the cherry. Try spelling out the ABCs with your tongue.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Always mop up the mess.

Once you get down to business, keep up a solid rhythm and really put some suction on the fruit. Your hand should be used to work the shaft.

Be a good sport and swallow the fruit once it turns to mush. Bananas are rich in vitamins like potassium.


Senior News Editors / Kristin McGrath and Liz Neukirch /

One on one: BDSM Compiled by the Alternative Lifestyle Association, with photos by Carolyn Goldstein and survey by Dallas Bryson

Tips for safe tying and bondage:



Top 5 things you don’t want to hear while tied up: 5. “Is it, ‘The bunny runs around the tree and jumps in the hole,’ or ‘The bunny jumps in the hole and runs around the tree?’” 4. “I know the key is around here someplace…” 3. “Oh, that’s going to leave a mark…” 2. “Fire!” 1. “Trust me, I read how to do this in Student Life.”

Recommended sources of information about BDSM: -“SM 101” by Jay Wiseman -“Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns” by Molly Devon -“The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton -“The Erotic Bondage Handbook” by Jay Wiseman -“When Someone You Love Is Kinky” by Dossie Easton To borrow any of the above books or for further information, contact the Alternative Lifestyle Association at

Bondage survey: 1. Consent. Never play with anybody who has not clearly consented in advance, or you may go to jail for a very long time. You can’t give consent if you’re drunk or high. Know the difference between sexy bondage play and abuse. Don’t play with anybody you don’t know well. You not only need to be able to trust your

play partner completely, you also need to know about any medical conditions, such as diabetes, poor circulation, epilepsy, joint injuries, compressed nerves, fainting spells, hypoglycemia or back, shoulder, or neck problems. Agree on a safeword before you play. “Green,” “yellow” and “red” (as in “STOP!”) are good safewords because they’re easy to remember.

One hundred Washington University undergraduates—50 men and 50 women—were given the following slip of paper:

Please check all true statements. o o o o o

I have been tied up by my partner. I have tied my partner. I have thought it would be fun to be tied up by my partner. I have thought it would be fun to tie my partner up. None of the above.

I asked them to fi ll it out, fold it up and stick it in a cup—completely anonymously. I’ve compiled the survey results into the following table, and I’ll bet some people will fi nd them pretty interesting. The best part of surveying people was the conversations I heard as I walked away. If I had given you this survey, what would your answer have been? What if I had surveyed your partner? If you’ve never had this conversation with your partner, maybe it’s time you did.

Survey results:

2. Rope. You can pick up good rope at most hardware stores for less than 50 cents per foot, or order it online. You’ll need rope at least 25 feet long for most things and you should buy a soft rope that’s not too slippery or too rough, with a diameter between 5/15”

3. Safety. NEVER, EVER LEAVE ANYONE TIED UP AND UNATTENDED. It only takes a moment for the dorm to catch on fi re or for your partner to slip and fall. Purchase a pair of safety/EMT scissors with dull tips and bright handles, so you can fi nd them by candlelight. That way, if you need to cut your rope, you won’t also cut your play partner. Watch out for piercings and never pass rope through rings or other body jewelry or you may rip them out accidentally. Oops! Keep checking your partner to ensure good

and 3/8”. Cotton, sisal and nylon are not recommended. Instead, use hemp, jute or multifi lament polypropylene (MFP). Silk stockings and neckties, while sexy, can tighten up and cut off circulation, so they should be avoided.

% of those surveyed

% of women surveyed

% of men surveyed

I have been tied up by my partner.




I have tied up my partner.




I have thought it would be fun to be tied up by my partner.




I have thought it would be fun to tie my partner up.




circulation. If your partner’s body starts turning deep purple or numb, it’s time to loosen the rope. Never tie rope around the joints or neck—always avoid joints by at least two inches, or you risk causing serious injury. Suspension isn’t for beginners. Don’t lift your partner off of the ground until you are very familiar with the strength of the rope you are using, the proper ways to distribute their weight and the name of the lawyer you’re going to call if you drop them on their head.


Cherish yesterday, Dream about tommarow, and LIVE for today.

Happy 19th Birthday, Ross Love, Mom, Dad, Kirby, Jason, Amie & J.R.


Senior News Editors / Kristin McGrath and Liz Neukirch /


Sex Week aims Performing under pressure to arouse and inform campus v What men want and what women want stresses out both sexes

By Kristin McGrath Senior News Editor


This week is Sex Week, an occasion that elicits many different ideas and fantasies in the minds of students on campus. By Shweta Murthi Staff Reporter A “Condom-o-gram” sale and a “Sexercise” class at Ursa’s Café are just two of the events planned for Sex Week, a week-long series of events put on by the Student Health Advisory Committee (SHAC). This year, Sex Week will have a new focus on emotional and physical sexual health. “This year we want to do something different,” said senior Kate McCabe, co-chair of Sex Week. “In the past we focused more on physical health and more classic ‘sex-ed’ activities, but this year we want to include a larger community including GLBTQIA events and exploring the emotional part of sexual relationships.” In addition to its new focus, the organizers of this year’s sex week aim to address more diverse issues. “This year, we wanted to do a lot more—talk about masculinity, interracial dating. Hopefully next year we can go more places,” said McCabe. In the past, one of Sex Week’s most popular events has been “The Art of the Orgasm,” a lecture given by Dr. Susan Stiritz from the Women and Gender Studies Program. The event, cosponsored by V-Day, will explore female sexual suppression. For a more localized focus, Sex Week is also hosting a talk called “Sex and the University” with regard to emotional sexual health. “Two Wash. U. psychologists, including Dr. Emily Knotek, will give a talk and lead a discussion about the emotional and rela-

tionship repercussions of sexual activity,” said McCabe. “They will focus on sexual activity at Wash U. and the hook-up culture.” A new program on Wednesday about Emergency Contraceptive Advocate training targets the GLBTQIA community and is aimed at expanding SHAC’s audience. Co-sponsored by Pride Alliance and the St. Louis Guardian Project, topics include confidential HIV testing and contraception. In addition to sex week, SHAC has also created the “We’ve Got You Covered” campaign, which provides dorm floors with envelopes filled with information about sexual health, along with condoms. “I think that there might be a false sense of security here on campus,” said senior Cora Drew, co-chair of Sex Week. “At times, being within the Wash. U. bubble, we can let our guards down about being responsible about sexual behavior. We’re not necessarily saying you shouldn’t have sex, but we’re just trying to stop the thinking that our sexual behaviors won’t catch up with us.” Topics like sexual safety add an educational aspect to the more fun events that students typically associate with Sex Week. “We’re trying to make the events this year more educational for everyone at Wash. U. It’s not just about sex—it’s also about abstinence, safety and being responsible,” added Drew. “People hear ‘Sex Week’ and think we’re just going to be passing out condoms. We’re dedicated to making it more diverse.”

A romantic evening with a textbook By Caroline Wekselbaum News Editor Valentine’s Day is a time when many students might allow schoolwork to slide (slightly). Some embrace this romantic holiday to celebrate with that special someone. Others might choose to go out and have fun. But what happens when students are forced to study? This is the sober reality for some students who have tests on Valentine’s Day or the day after. Students with tests on Valentine’s Day will need to interrupt their day of love to focus intensely on coursework. For those with an exam the day after, Valentine’s Day will become another day of studying. Amongst courses which have examinations on Valentine’s Day are Accounting 2610, Introduction to Financial Accounting, and Biology 334, Cell Biology, which has an in-class quiz. Courses with major exams the day after Valentine’s Day include Biology 328, Principles in Human Physiology, and Chemistry 112A, General Chemistry. While some students with

significant others wish their professors would not force them to study on Valentine’s Day, those without someone to celebrate with tend not to mind the inconvenience. “I know a lot of people who will be studying ridiculously hard on Valentine’s Day when they could be spending time with their boyfriend or their girlfriend,” said freshman Charlene Lai, who is in General Chemistry. “Personally, I don’t really mind but that’s just because at this moment I don’t have a significant other, but I’m sure if I did I’d be pretty annoyed.” Freshman Ryan Sellers, who is also in General Chemistry, agrees with Lai, adding that he believes professors should consider Valentine’s Day when planning their course schedules. “I guess I don’t feel that bad about studying on Valentine’s Day because my significant other doesn’t go to Wash. U.,” said Sellers. “I don’t have plans on Valentine’s Day so I don’t mind studying. I could see how for other people it might put a hamper on

See TESTS, page 13

Senior Roksan Hayirel is reading a particularly amusing book for her women’s studies class—a dating manual from the 1950s that offers the young lady a variety of useful tips on how to dress, how to resist the first kiss without damaging her date’s ego and how to avoid the snares of “Lover’s Lane.” “Things have changed,” said Hayirel. “You look at this stuff now and laugh.” Although these rigid dating customs may have changed, the pressures on both men and women in dating, sex and relationships can be as restraining as laughably outdated social scripts. The first move The genesis of any flirtatious banter, sexual encounter or date—the first move—is something that traditionally falls into the men’s court. “I’m a traditionalist, I guess,” said freshman Annie Lascoe. “My mom dated a lot and told me to date a lot, too, so I have. If I’m really interested I will [make the first move], but I’ve never felt that interested. Now that I’m older I might be better at it, but it’s nice when the guy does it. I feel like it’s the man’s job.” For junior Michael Samoszuk, this job is a stressful one. “The fact that you have to assess the situation, figure out if she’s interested and then make the first move is very stressful,” said Samoszuk. The pressure to make the first move could tie into stereotypes of men as being sexually aggressive. “I think at this particular moment in history, masculinity is constructed in such a way that men are expected to be sexually aggressive, and if you’re not sexually aggressive, then you are failing in some way,” said Michael Murphy, who teaches the Masculinities course offered by the

women and gender studies program. According to Dr. Susan Stiritz, a professor of women’s studies, the expectation that men should be the initiators often charges them with the responsibility of instigating sex. “Women expect men to initiate the sexual act and the woman will not feel entitled to be as active as the man, which puts a lot of pressure on the guy,” said Stiritz. “There’s a lot of pressure to be the one who always has to initiate and decide. But then [women] shouldn’t be called ‘bitches’ for initiating, which is what often happens.” Some men might welcome the opportunity to let women shoulder this responsibility. “[Men feel that they have to make the first move] because women won’t do it,” said senior Niarcas Jeffrey. “But if a woman does make the first move, it’s hot!” The first date Although a formal date might be a rarity among college students, those who venture beyond coffee at Ursa’s find themselves faced with a slew of pressures. “There are things we expect from people on first dates that we don’t ever expect from them for the rest of our lives,” said Murphy. “Women, I think, expect that doors are going to be opened for them and expect that men are going to pay for meals. Some men expect that, if they pay for a meal, they’re entitled to sex.…First dates, I think, are pathological, frankly. Nobody knows exactly how to behave, and you don’t learn much about anyone on the first date. It’s like very carefully scripted theater.” For sophomore Kevin Opp, worrying about his date’s enjoyment often compromises his own. “The guy’s the one who’s supposed to come up with stuff to do and you’re praying she’s going to enjoy it,” said Opp. “I hate that pressure.” Although Lascoe appreciates it when her date offers to cover the check, she will offer to pay her way. Most important, however, is that her date does not expect sex in return for paying for her meal. “I took a self-defense class, and


When dressing to go out for the evening, Freshman Shyamali Choudhury must decide whether to dress sexily or conservatively. Her choice will affect others’ perceptions of her.


Freshman Nikki Bent looks for guidance in deciding what to wear. we were told that the fact that you have given your time and your presence is more than enough,” said Lascoe. How do I look? While men might feel stressed during the date, women might be more likely to stress out in front of the mirror while getting ready to go out. “Hands down, there’s pressure,” said sophomore Julie Donnell. “I think there’s pressure on both [men and women], but as a whole, girls think and obsess more [about their bodies]” In addition to scrutinizing their bodies, some women might feel pressure to dress provocatively to gain attention from the opposite sex. “It was funny,” said Lascoe. “I was getting ready the other day, and I thought, What would happen if I went out in ‘mom jeans’ and a turtleneck? There’s a double standard. If you look trashy, you really don’t look like you or respect yourself. But a lot of girls do feel like they’re expected to dress that way for guys. I try to err on the side of classy.” A pressure to please might affect a woman’s clothing choices, said Stiritz. “I think women are given mixed messages. And that’s a way we’re controlled in society. If we’re not sexual enough we’re prudes, if we’re too sexual, we’re sluts…I think girls want to be popular and liked, and when you’re in a sexual culture that’s primarily designed to pleasure men, you’re going to be pressured to display your body.” Women who wear revealing clothing to attract men have the opposite effect on freshman Nick Skog. “I actually respond to it in a negative way,” said Skog. “I get annoyed with my girlfriend when she’s wearing a really really short skirt. I think it’s important to show some kind of class.”

The pressure to spend hours perfecting one’s appearance does not affect senior Blake Abrash, who said he spends 20 minutes at most getting ready. “I’ll put on a button-down shirt, a belt, a nice pair of shoes, maybe deodorant,” said Abrash. “My cologne is long lost.” This nonchalance, however, may be a manifestation of a pressure that men face—fitting into an image of masculinity. This “studied indifference” helps them avoid the traditionally feminine stereotype of “ornamentation,” said Murphy. “Most men would say they aren’t having any body image issues, and they’re all lying,” said Murphy. “The trick with most men is to appear as though you don’t have any concern with your appearance. The not appearing to be concerned requires a great deal of effort—which brings a great deal of anxiety.” The bedroom Sex presents both men and women with the challenge of performing under pressure. Magazines boasting headlines like, “How to please your man,” might contribute to this pressure for women. “[These headlines] have negative implications for women, because they involve giving in,” said Donnell. “But [headlines directed at men] like, ‘How to Keep Your Woman Happy,’ implies sort of a source of pride. The difference between pleasing and making someone happy is night and day. Stories [directed at women] like, ‘How to Make Him Want You’? That’s unnecessary.” Cultural influences might fuel the attitudes behind such headlines and also lead to a deterioration in women’s ability to fully enjoy sex. “We’re socialized to please everyone,” said Stiritz. “Girls are supposed to be nice. And another

See PERFORMANCE, page 13

Erasing borders with interracial relationships By Elizabeth Lewis Staff Reporter Sophomores Fan Yang and Isabella Terrassa first met during freshmen year when they were neighbors. “We became really good friends,” said Terrassa. “Fan and I were both biomedical engineering majors and later dropped out.” Though Yang later rejoined the BME program, their shared experiences resulted in what later blossomed into a committed relationship. Yang, who is Asian, and Terressa, who is Hispanic, were worried about what people would think of them. “We hid [our relationship] from everyone for a while because we didn’t want one friend to know,” said Yang. Across the country, more interracial couples are finding acceptance among young adults. A Feb. 7 article in USA Today reported that the 46.3 million Generation X-ers, aged 14-24, are more likely to “have friends of different races and also may date someone of another race.” But that doesn’t mean interracial couples don’t face obstacles. Junior Barrington Lloyd, who is African American, and Leslie Forrest, who is white, didn’t live on the same floor, but heard about each other indirectly. “A friend of mine knew Barrington from the Wash. U. 2007 Yahoo group and said, ‘Leslie!

Barrington gives the best hugs ever,’” Forrest said. Their relationship deepened sophomore year when, during the Activities Fair, Forrest made Lloyd join the Swing Club and the Kenpo Club. They have been together for almost 14 months. “He was my first boyfriend so my dad wanted the whole bio,” said Terrassa. “He made jokes, but he didn’t really care [about race].” Yang’s parents also did not see his relationship with Terrassa as a bad thing. He added, h o w e v e r, that Terrassa’s grandmother would have preferred that he had been Catholic because of her strong religious beliefs. According to Lloyd, his father “likes Leslie a lot.” That wasn’t always the case, however, according to Forrest. “He didn’t [like me] at first, but he didn’t really like the concept of [Barrington] dating,” said Forrest. Forrest’s father is slightly more ambiguous on the subject of her relationship with Barrington. “I don’t know if my dad has a problem with Barrington or if it is because Barrington is a boy,” said Forrest. “We talk about Barrington when I call home, and he

doesn’t say anything that implies that he hates [him].” These couples’ relationships are mostly accepted around campus. Yang said that there are a fair amount of interracial relationships on campus and that the most common ones consist of Asians and Caucasians. “[Interracial couples are] accepted but not as common as I would like to see,” said Yang. “People are not as open-minded about things as I would like them to be.” Te r r a s s a said that her friends accept her relationship, but, they also make comments about other black men such as, “He’s a really nice guy, but I’ve never thought of dating that [blank] race.” Lloyd thinks the fact that the campus is very liberal helps their situation. “[Derogatory comments] are not an issue,” said Lloyd. “A lot of people know who I am and seem to think that I’m an okay guy.” But even though acceptance is prevalent, Lloyd added, people sometimes have comments and questions about his choice. Off campus, people can be more hostile. Forrest said two women have openly glared at her. Concerning

these two women, she said, “It’s not like I’m taking him out of your collection.” The stares Lloyd notices usually come from white men. “From walking with Leslie, the look always becomes, Why are you dating one of ours?” said Lloyd. Despite these obstacles, both couples have caring and committed relationships that have lasted for a significant amount of time. Yang thinks that it takes a special quality to be in an interracial relationship. “It depends on if you’re openminded by nature,” said Yang. “It’s not about if you’ve had contact with other races before. It depends on open-mindedness.” “[Race] wasn’t a determinant in us becoming friends,” said Terrassa. “Race was erased. When I see a person, I don’t see the race, I see the person.” One of Forrest’s ancestors is a constant reminder of racial differences. “I am related to one of the first Klan members and that always made me more conscious,” said Forrest. For Lloyd, remaining conscious of racial differences while limiting their influence on him is key. “It helps me to approach the subject and make my own decision,” said Lloyd. “I’m not going to change who I’m dating, and I won’t live my life by race issues either. It doesn’t mean I’m not conscious of it, but I won’t be ruled by it.”

Senior Forum Editor / Molly Antos /


FORUM How to fall in love


his is really more for girls than guys. I mean, I’ve never been in love with a female, so I’m not sure I would really be the best person to turn to on the subject. I have, however, had way more experience in guys: assholes, sweethearts, liars, cheaters—the whole kit and caboodle. So obviously take my experience with salt to your liking because not everyone is the same, but you might fi nd this educational or at the very least entertaining. Sometimes when I hear girls talking about guys, I want to kill them. They’ll say things like, “Well, if I had just done this differently, he would want to date me,” or “You can never do that, he’ll get upset.” Here’s the fi rst clue: whether or not he wants to date you will not depend on one thing you do differently, or whether or not you follow the rules. The only factor should be how he feels about you as a total person. It’s possible to fi nagle a relationship out of strategery and games, but believe me, that is not the kind of relationship anyone wants to be involved in. The games never end. If you’re looking for a delicious piece of man candy, no feelings involved, let the games begin! But if you’re looking for something just a tad more meaningful, it’s probably not a good idea to trick your way into a relationship with someone. Here’s a solid, unwavering truth: men are very creative creatures, and when they want something, there’s really not too much that can get in the way. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to date you—he should just want it all on his own. Sometimes, even when you tell them no (a few hundred times) they’ll still come barreling after you. And that shows true dedication. (Hint: that is a fabulous quality in a potential boyfriend.) I’m not saying that you should say no just so he’ll chase you around, because that would be playing games, too, but the bottom line is that you shouldn’t have to force it, because it’s easier than anyone would have thought to fall in love. It’s like getting pot in the ‘60s. Here’s another really interesting fact: girls are crazy. I

don’t mean that offensively, and I don’t mean psychotic crazy. But honestly, I’ve never encountered a single female in my life that didn’t at one time or another get upset about something ridiculous or overreact and act based completely on emotion or something like that. Here’s the catch—you have to be able to fi nd a guy that’s willing to put up with your crazy idiosyncrasies. You can’t hide the bad stuff forever. He’ll have terrible secrets too, and true love is actually dealing with the small things that no one else knows about. I mean, if he snores…get used to it. That’s never gonna change. If she is terribly impatient, get over it—she’s probably not eventually going to develop a huge amount of patience. Things don’t have to be perfect, people don’t have to be perfect—I guess you just have to be perfect for each other. I honestly believe that the best characteristic in a person is a sense of humor. I don’t know where I would be without a boy that doesn’t know how to joke. I mean, let’s just say you’re at a party together, and one of his friends starts licking your face. That’s funny. And if he gets angry, it’s time to move on, possibly with the face licker. But someone who can see the humor in that situation is defi nitely a keeper. The bottom line: I don’t know that I’m able to draw any defi nite conclusions. I know that I’ve certainly made some mistakes, so apparently there’s no one way to get to the bottom of love, but once you do… I guess I feel like I must have done something right.



Our daily Forum editors: Monday: Jeff Stepp

Wednesday: Daniel Milstein

Friday: Joshua Trein

To ensure that we have time to fully evaluate your submissions, guest columns should be e-mailed to the next issue’s editor or forwarded to by no later than 5 p.m. two days before publication. Late pieces will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. We welcome your submissions, and thank you for your consideration.



Truths I’ve had to face: 1. My mother is always right about my boyfriends. 2. You should never second-guess yourself if you’re happy. 3. I’m in love with a stripper. Ha. Just kidding. 4. You can’t ever take anything for granted. 5. Six-packs are a nice signing bonus. Molly is a senior in Arts & Sciences and the senior Forum editor. She can be reached via e-mail at

Don’t be that guy—give her what she deserves


his column will probably piss some people off, especially guys. Not all guys—just the ones I’m getting ready to talk about, the ones who give the rest of us a bad name. Who are these guys? Well, there’s no simple answer, because they’re not simple enough to be stereotyped. They can come in any form: beautiful, blond, athletic; pudgy and a bit neurotic; hairy; clean-shaven; math majors; drama majors. They might pop their collars, they might not. Maybe they drink, maybe they don’t. But no matter what shape they come in, they share one common characteristic: they’ve forgotten how to treat women. I’m not trying to come off as a goody-goody, some chivalrous punk who’s been bypassed by

women and needs someone to blame. If you think I sound like one, I’m sorry. You’re probably not my type. I’m neither Richie Cunningham nor Arthur Fonzarelli, and though I might not be a sex bomb like Usher, I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be with a good woman. I also haven’t forgotten what it takes to keep one. Let’s start with the easy stuff. First, don’t cheat. And especially, don’t lie about it. Girls find out, and then you’ve not only ruined their trust in you, but their trust in guys to come. If you’re unhappy, have the balls to talk to her about it—don’t just fuck everything over in one night. That brings me to point two: communicate. Talk to her. Yes, talk, honestly. Letting your guard down is not a sign of weakness. You can

save the macho, beerahead of myself. Let chugging talk for your me back up a bit for guys. There’s nothing point four: go down wrong with girls that on her. A lot. It’s not can “be one of the difficult to like. Don’t guys,” but that doesn’t complain that it mean she wants you to smells, or that it tastes think of her that way bad, or that it’s hairy, all the time. because I promise you Jeff Stepp Third: you’re not an that your penis does omniscient sex god. You may not smell like flowers, taste be well-versed in it, you may like chocolate or resemble a big have awoken the neighbors, but yummy Blow-Pop. Once you’re for the many different faces down there, try to do it right. that exist, there are as many Read her body, her breath, her different bodies. Don’t rush it. words. Take pride in making Ask her what she wants, tell her her feel wonderful. All good what you want. The words in things must come to an end, your sexual vocabulary should and don’t stop until she’s done be more than “yes,” “no” and so. “harder.” Satisfy her, men. She’s Let’s get a bit more general not just a place to put your with point five: you don’t own penis when you’re horny. her. She’s not your bitch, or Granted that it’s not all your ho, or your toy. There about sex, I may be getting are, of course, different levels

of commitment and seriousness, but just because you two are hooking up doesn’t mean you’re a pimp. Just like you need self-esteem, so does she. Girls can rescue themselves from bad relationships, but why should they have to? Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone not to even go there in the first place? I shouldn’t even have to mention things like abuse, rape or harassment. Unfortunately, though, these things do happen. But if you do it, Lord help you, because when you’re caught I’ll put your you-knowwhats in the clamp myself. It all boils down to just being a good person, and even following the Golden Rule. I know that sounds a bit kindergarten-ish, but frankly, I’m surprised some people made it out of there.

I apologize if this column has sounded a little preachy, or if I’ve been preaching to the choir. Surely we’re not all Dr. Drew, however. I’m smart enough to know that things aren’t always picture perfect, that people do make mistakes, and that I’m not the be-all end-all myself. I’m also smart enough to know that what you do and what you say does matter. I don’t expect assholes everywhere to go running to print out my list of points, but I hope that somewhere, somebody thinks twice about what he’s doing. Because not only might I get a better relationship, he will too. Jeff is a senior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum editor. He can be reached via e-mail at forum@




Student Life welcomes letters to the editor and op-ed submissions from readers.

Editorials are written by the Forum editors and reflect the consensus of the editorial board. The editorial board operates independently of the newsroom.

Once an article has been published on, our Web site, it will remain there permanently. We do not remove articles from the site, nor do we remove authors’ names from articles already published on the Web, unless an agreement was reached prior to July 1, 2005.

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Editor in Chief: Margaret Bauer Associate Editor: Liz Neukirch Managing Editor: David Tabor Senior News Editor: Kristin McGrath

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Why do we do this? Because Google and other search engines cache our Web site on a regular basis. Our thought is this: once an article has been published online, it’s too late to take back. It is irrevocably part of the public sphere. As such, removing an article from our site would serve no purpose.


Senior Forum Editor / Molly Antos /


‘Twat did you say?’ These beds are too An introductory guide to cunnilingus damn small! I By Larkin Dennis Op-ed Submission


problem, most notat’s happened at bly lofting. As a past least once to any lofter, I can testify student at Wash. that lofting your bed U. After a night of is a great way to clear passion/five seconds of some additional space glory with your soulin an otherwise toomate forever/drunkensmall room; the odd, WU-goggles-influenced L-shaped room I lived flavor-of the-week, you Matt Shapiro in sophomore year and collapse into bed and the lack of space on my attempt to pass out. side dictated that lofting would After 20 minutes or more of be necessary to have any kind uncomfortable turning, rearof space in my room whatsoranging of limbs and positions ever. But I can also testify that more complicated than any in a lofted bed can make for some the Kama Sutra, you come to a interesting maneuvering when single, universal truth: these more than one person attempts beds are too damn small! to cram themselves onto the Following with the theory bed. A friend of mine who that students at Wash. U. can currently has his bed lofted recome up with a solution for marked after a particularly turanything that they care about bulent sleepover that he feared enough to put some effort into, for his life over the course of there have been various ways the night. This may also have that the bed problem has been been because of the decidedly solved around campus. The first, and most obvious, solution unstrategic placement of a glass table just below his precariously is to simply move off campus, lofted bed, but even without where you can independently the table, a sleepover in a lofted decide what type and size of bed is playing with fire on a bed you’d like; but while this is an effective solution, it also level just below trying to defend seems to be circumventing the that hook-up you’d rather forget problem. It’s great for upperfrom freshman year by claimclassmen living off campus, but ing that you thought she looked what about those of us still uncute in a frat basement or that fortunate enough to be sleeping you were too drunk to notice in the anorexic beds provided her lazy eye (trust me, there’s by the University? There’s alno way to avoid that mockery; ways the possibility of a futon, just sit there and take it like a which is normally small enough man). for a dorm room but big enough The worst thing about the to provide an alternate sleeping bed problem is the added strain space. It’s not necessarily the it places on the already quesmost cost-efficient solution, but tionable nature of a sleepover. often has enough space for two In addition to the question (or more, if you’re lucky enough of “Do I really want to spend to get into that sort of situathe night with my boyfriend tion) and is usually comfortable of nine months/this dude I enough for a night’s sleep with just met?” there’s the question someone close by to spoon with of “Can I deal with his noisy (or to be spooned by). breathing/snoring unnecessarAnother potential solution is ily close to my ear for the next somehow finding an extra bed seven hours?” This question, and putting it next to yours, and others like it, adds a heavy thus turning the average WU burden to the already stressful bed into a queen-sized sleeping dating situation at Wash. U. (or space of epic proportions. The lack thereof). Unfortunately, the advantages are clear in terms problem is understandable from of having enough room to sleep an administrative standpoint; and being more creative with each room is meant to house your pre-bedtime endeavors; only one or two people, so, not the sole disadvantage is that un- surprisingly, each individual less you’re lucky enough to snag bed is designed for one person a huge room at the beginning of (and one person only). But as the year, your bed will not only much sense as this “logical” exbe the focal point of your room, planation seems to make, think it’ll be the only thing in your about how much more relaxed room. And while a bed-centric everyone on campus would be room is not necessarily a bad if each University student knew thing, it’s a not-so-subtle signal that no matter what bed s/he for any visitors that you are/ ended up in at the end of the plan to/hope to be getting laid night, there would be enough on a fairly regular basis (nothroom to sleep off however ing wrong with it—most people drunk s/he had to get to wind just don’t advertise it quite that up in that special someone’s openly). The ideal situation, of bed. Better rested students are course, is that someone you’re better students, and students living with decides to get a getting laid are happier stufuton, thus leaving an extra bed dents; who wouldn’t want us to for your taking, thus leaving all be better and happier? parties involved with a happy alternative to the WU beds. Matt is a senior in Arts & SciThere are also certain things ences and a Forum editor. He can students do around campus be reached via e-mail at forum@ that seem to aggravate the bed

hate to tell you this, gentlemen, but porn is full of lies. Most women cannot climax without clitoral stimulation. Some need only a little. Others need a lot. Either way, the ol’ two-finger-jam-wiggle followed by penile thrusts just isn’t going to cut it. Even a woman that is able to orgasm from penetration alone will have a better climax with increased stimulation. So what is a guy to do about it? The answer is simple. Cunnilingus. Muff diving. Eating pussy. Whatever you want to call it, the best way to get a girl off is to munch some carpet. (Also, it’s a great way to earn reciprocal blow jobs. But I didn’t tell you that.) Unfortunately, the practice is not as common as a girl might hope. After speaking with a number of young men, I’ve determined that the three biggest hurdles to cunnilingus are taste, hair and (potential) disease. Honestly, taste is not an acceptable excuse. If you

put it to your woman that way—“Baby, I would love to eat you out, but you taste like day-old sushi,”—you’re gonna spend Valentine’s Day with Rosy Palms. Just engage in some mutual bathing before the act. Or catch her fresh out of the shower. A clean pussy is no more sinister than the average mouth. As for hair, this one goes out to the ladies: shave, wax or trim. Make it easy for your partner to love your nether-bits. No one wants to get lost exploring the black forest. Boys, I don’t know what to tell you, except to leave this article where your lady is sure to find it. These days, unless you’re in a monogamous relationship, you have to protect yourself against STDs. For cunnilingus, dental dams are your best ally. (In a pinch, you can use a foldedover piece of Saran wrap.) Place the barrier over the pussy of your choice, and go down like there’s no tomorrow. For increased sensation, apply waterbased lube to her side of the barrier. I’ll spare you the discus-

sion of basic technique. There are a bajillion guides to cunnilingus floating around the Internet. (I’m a fan of www.sexuality. org/l/sex/cunnfaq.html.) Instead, let me give you four fail-safe tips based on my own experience. They even make a handy acronym—T.W.A.T.—to help you remember them: Touch: Keep your hands moving. Combine digital and oral stimulation. Don’t ignore her body. Touch her legs, stomach, breasts, etc. Warm-up: Don’t immediately attack the clit. Please. It doesn’t feel good. Instead, begin with indirect stimulation. Perhaps some tongue strokes around the labial area. Explore the vaginal opening. Try flicking your tongue on her inner thighs. Get her hot and bothered, then move on to a more direct approach. Alphabet: When in doubt, lick the ABCs. Imagine a “writing space” with her clitoris right in the middle. Lick the alphabet, and keep the letters relatively small. This strategy keeps the sensations interesting, but doesn’t vary so much that she’ll lose

the fabulous O you’ve both been working for. Toys: If you’ve already gotten the hang of eating pussy, it might be time to take it to the next level. Ask your girl if she’d like to add a dildo or vibrator to the mix. I’m almost certain she’ll be thrilled. Combine a G-spot vibrator and cunnilingus to violate quiet hours in no time flat. Also, remember that oral sex is an extremely intimate activity—both physically and emotionally. Make sure your partner feels comfortable telling you what feels good and what doesn’t. Pay attention to her responses. Personally, I think it’s a fantastic idea to spend some time exploring your partner, making note of which sensations really push her buttons. If you can’t decipher her reaction, just ask her how it feels. As with most sex acts, communication is key to making cunnilingus the best it can possibly be. Larkin is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences. She can be reached via e-mail at


Oral sex and the emotional destruction of our young women I

n the January/February 2006 issue of The Atlantic, Caitlin Flanagan reviews a book of fiction, “Rainbow Party” by Paul Ruditis, and attempts to come to terms with the hysteria surrounding the prevalence of oral sex among teenagers. “Rainbow Party” is about two high school sophomore girls with the intent to improve their social standing by inviting popular boys over for blow jobs. If this is actually happening, it needs to be discussed. But why would anyone in their right minds think young women would act in this manner? Manufactured story lines aside, there may actually be cause for concern. Flanagan cites a survey done by the National Center for Health Statistics in September 2005, which reported that about a quarter of 15-year-old girls had performed oral sex on a male, and more than half of 17-yearold girls had. This would seem

high, considering the lengths to which American culture tries to suppress the sexual growth of its teenagers (MTV, movies and, um, everything in our culture aside). So what purpose does oral sex actually serve for these young women? It would be surprising to discover, for example, that it was actually a plot of the patriarchy to create more sexually accommodating women, what with the successes of the women’s movement in recent decades. But the act must serve some purpose. A 1999 episode of the PBS show “Frontline” seemingly fomented the understanding of this cultural issue with a piece titled “The Lost Children of Rockdale County.” It mixed two stories: one about a few girls from very troubled families that would meet for sexual acrobatics with groups of men, the other about children trapped in the emotionally disconnected American family

structure so common struggle with a flawed these days. Flanagan cultural system. writes that these latter Despite its characchildren “have develterization in popular oped a dull, curiously culture as a problem passionless relationof sexual promiscuship to their own ity in loose women, it sexuality, which they seems to me that the give of freely. The girls issue smacks more Joshua Trein of a death of emotion seem sad that their easily granted sexual rather than morality. favors (including oral Flanagan cites sex) have not earned them many influences that helped boyfriends, and completely unwear down the sexual resolve aware of how they could have of young women throughout negotiated the transactions our lifetime, chiefly among differently.” them explicitly sexual rap This should be our fi rst music that glorifies women indication that these latter servicing men in a less than girls are not sexual misfits, fair and equitable manner, and but rather are searching for the mainstream acceptance of something they have not been pornography. equipped to fi nd: emotional Despite the simplicity of intimacy. By inappropriately these claims, she not unfairly associating the fi rst group of concludes that young women girls with the second, Flanaparticipate in no-strings-atgan marks this broadcast as tached oral sex to protect a major catalyst in scaring themselves from American suburban parents into unfairly culture. I believe that these stigmatizing their daughters’ young women are guarding

their emotions in a fair manner, all the while searching for connectedness to men in a commonly glorified manner: through cheap sexual activity. It is not the fault of the uninitiated to know that these acts end up providing no emotional sustenance. Instead of being something young women should be blamed for, it is something the wider American community should be ashamed of for allowing to happen. Instead, the blossoming sexuality of young women is shoehorned into high school abstinence courses, starkly contrasted with a background of young men trained to think the most uncommon sex acts as likely to occur as vaginal intercourse, and pharmacists with the moral high ground from which to pick and choose which contraceptives to dispense and which offend their personal taste. Flanagan’s conclusion is sad but well defended: “The mod-

ern girl’s casual willingness to perform oral sex […] may be her desperate attempt to do something that the culture refuses to encourage: to keep her own sexuality—the emotions and the desires, as well as the anatomical real estate itself—private, secret, unviolated. It may not be her technical virginity that she is trying to preserve; it may be her own sexual awakening— which is all she really has left to protect anymore.” By refusing to help our girls safeguard themselves and their emotions against a hard life and difficult men, American culture is ultimately trading mature, stable women for the titillating scandal of a “teen oral sex crisis.” Our immaturity seemingly knows no bounds. Joshua is a senior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum editor. He can be reached via e-mail at

Senior Forum Editor / Molly Antos /




Sex Week flyers forget their female audience By Anna Hutt Op-ed Submission


eceive “FREE SEX” in exchange for buying chocolate roses! Send condom-o-grams to your “hottie(s)!” Gawk at a photo of a topless woman, only barely covered by text that invites you to a club event! Buy flowers advertised by the logo, “Love comes in three flavors: sweet, sugary, and can I please take off your pants now?” And you don’t even have to pick up a porn magazine. Just walk around the South 40 and take a look at the flyers. Perhaps it’s just antiquated values of modesty that make me blush each time I pass an advertisement for the upcoming events surrounding Valentine’s Day. Students assure me that any event officially connected with the University-approved Sex Week has educational value and broaches important subjects. (I wonder whether these defendants include “The Art of the Orgasm” in this category.) Maybe they’re right; as long as no one forces me to attend, I suppose I should respect schoolsponsored lectures, even on topics that make the conservative student squeamish. But as a woman who cares to maintain a sense of dignity when walking from Wohl to my dorm room, traditional sentiments aside, I am offended by the lewd flyers I seem to encounter with increasing frequency as V-Day approaches. One suggestive photo, I can ignore. I’ll look past a single innuendo here and there. But when every other sign on the wall exploits women, promotes illicit sex or encourages such desensitization, I begin to question where the University draws its lines. Student groups are technically required to receive the

Student Union stamp before displaying flyers; I don’t know whether to be more disturbed by the fact that some have blatantly ignored this rule or by the realization that Student Union’s standards of appropriate include unashamed advertisements for sex. Of course, I am told by many a half-apologetic student with a shrug, “Sex sells,” so you had better smack at least one risqué word or picture on your flyer if you want anyone to look at it. If this is truly the consensus among the Wash. U. student body, I have to question whether the fault really lies with the powers-that-be who are supposedly approving advertisements. In current TV culture it is accepted that everything gets noticed for its sexual draw, but I expect more of a university community. Are we students of an intellectual institution, or are we simply frustrated sexual fiends, finally free from our parents’ standards and ready to jump at any chance to satisfy our desires? According to what flies on the bulletin boards here, I’m afraid to answer. I urge any students who feel that we have the right to walk two minutes on our campus without feeling embarrassed, harassed and objectified by the advertisements on our dorm walls to resist the denigrating standards that our community is rapidly embracing. Call us old-fashioned; call us feminists; call us prudes. Just don’t call us and ask us to go to these supposedly intellectual events if you’re going to show up at our dorm rooms with a bouquet of a dozen can-I-pleasetake-your-pants-off-now’s and expect to win us over. Anna is a freshman in Arts & Sciences. She can be reached via e-mail at



Valentine’s Day: Students speak their minds Compiled by Kristin McGrath Senior News Editor During the week before Valentine’s Day, Dr. Susan Stiritz, a professor of Women’s Studies, gave the students in both sections of her “Contemporary Female Sexualities” class blank cards to fill with their thoughts about Valentine’s Day at Wash. U. While not everyone will be feeling the love tomorrow, some will manage to enjoy the day by moving beyond all those things that make Valentine’s Day sickeningly sweet. The following is a selection of students’ responses: —“Valentine’s Day and in fact the entire month of February depress me. There is so much pressure around having someone that even when I am in a relationship, the time period is stressful.” —“In high school, there was a definite pressure to be attached or dating on Valentine’s Day—because the balloons and flowers at certain lockers were a very public display. In college, I don’t feel any pressure. I think most of us accept it as a Hallmark holiday.” —“As the years go on at Wash. U., the campus becomes increasingly asexual.” —“I think Wash. U. promotes a very sexual culture through the weekend hookup scene. However, very few people seem to be able to find people that they feel are datable. But, then when it comes to Valentine’s Day there seems to be a huge pressure to have someone to go out and celebrate with. I think Wash. U. needs to focus more on exploring issues of sexuality and how to have and sustain more meaningful relationships.” —“We need realistic dating services. Date raffles and date games are pathetic and degrading. Plus, single people need something to do on this day. This culture of candygrams, chocolate hearts, and unnecessary furry bears is too cute and cuddly for me.” —“I’ve never had a good

Valentine’s Day. So this year I have made alternative plans if / when my significant other messes it up. I think there is a lot of pressure related to this Hallmark holiday because everyone thinks everyone else is doing something special.” —“The best part of Valentine’s Day is spending it with your girlfriends. I’m going to Baily’s Chocolate Bar. We are going to indulge ourselves and have a great time. Overall, I think that the attitude people have about needing a relationship for Valentine’s Day is unnecessary.” —“I think Valentine’s Day should become a day that encourages people to find each other / admit their feelings rather than a day all about already existing couples. Too many people feel alone and worthless because they spend the day alone.” —“Valentine’s Day is not about having a significant other, it’s about celebrating love: love for your family, love for your friends. If you’re not celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone you’re romantically involved with, don’t get depressed. Celebrate with your roommate or have a movie night in your dorm.” —“I don’t feel pressure from the Wash. U. campus, per se, regarding Valentine’s Day. I am in a relationship, so I do plan on something for that day. Honestly though, I feel more pressure from outside sources to do something special; it really has absolutely nothing to do with my university.” —“I like the concept of Sex Week in which education and awareness and openness is promoted. I’m glad that Vagina Monolagues is featured. Freshemen tend to make a big deal about being with someone, but as a senior right now, I really don’t care about being with someone on Valentine’s Day.” —“Valentine’s day is overrated in my opinion. The best part is getting with your girlfriends and eating lots and lots of cookie cake.”


Senior Scene Editor / Sarah Baicker /



What your dinner at Bear’s Den says about your sex life

By Felicia Baskin Scene Reporter Salad: You’re the type that likes to pretend nothing is going on. Much like your habit of buying salads—you want everyone else to think that you are keeping it healthy and plain. You think no one knows that you sneak into Bear Mart in the middle of the night to binge on chocolate and frozen yogurt. Similarly, you like to pretend you’re innocent and boring, but it’s just a front. Everyone knows that you dart out of your room and off to the room of that cutie you met in class. You may be unassuming, but you’ve got your dirty little secrets, you saladsporter, you. Pesto Pasta: The tried and true sure does it for you. Even though you know the pleasure won’t last long, you constantly crave the same thing. After a few minutes, it’s as good as over; the excitement is gone. After that

it’s just the same old routine—you keep going simply because you feel you should. And all you get to show for it are a few embarrassing stains. Breakfast Burrito: Even though you know it’s wrong, you want it all day long, and you’re not ashamed to ask for it in front of crowds of people. Other people question your habits. Perhaps your practices are a bit unconventional, but it’s what works for you that matters. Don’t let other people’s doubts or beliefs about what is normal ruin your fun. Grilled Chicken: You look at the people buying food slathered in sauces and spices and wonder how they do it. Such things make you uncomfortable; you are not the adventurous type. Just talking about something a bit risqué makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong. You like it plain and simple—no frills, no flourishes, no edible body cream.

Salmon, Shrimp, or Sirloin: While everyone else accepts that life isn’t always glamorous, you refuse to believe it. As others walk off with bowls full of pasta and plates topped with Mexican food, you patiently wait for your food to be cooked exactly the way you want it. Maybe ordinary is okay for most people, but it’s only the best for you. You want the highest thread-count sheets, the fi nest chocolate and perfumed candles. You don’t “do the dirty deed”—you make “passionate love.” Cheeseburger: You’re in paradise, all right. A clean, perfected routine isn’t enough for you—you like some sizzle, some steam. In fact, you want it messy and made to order, so to speak. Depending on your mood, you might try different combinations—maybe change the type of cheese or add some pickles. What’s important is that you have the basic ingredients. From there, it’s all about creativity and trying new things.

Bosco Sticks: You’re the kind who likes to brag to your friends about how many you’ve had. Every time you go to Bear’s Den, you have to get one of these tasty, cheese-filled sticks. You always give in. No matter how many times people tell you that you should be embarrassed of yourself, you can’t overcome your attraction to the stick’s phallic nature. Let’s be honest—knowing you can have one whenever you so desire boosts your confidence. To you, there is real power in the ability to get as much as you want, brag about it, then carry on with your life—without ever acknowledging that you have an addiction, of course. Pizza: Perhaps unfortunately, you are of the opinion that sex is like pizza: even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. To you, that whole idea of quality over quantity is just cheesy. You want everyone else to get real already, and understand that


These fellas enjoying a tasty Bear’s Den snack would do well to think about what their food choices say about their sex lives. asking you to pass up on an opportunity to get what you like it just plain silly. Pre-packaged Foods: Your theory? Play it safe. You rely on the plastic casing to protect what lies within. They’re sealed, and usually have ingredients listed, so

you figure you are minimizing any possible risks. Also, they come in all sorts of sizes and flavors. Just remember—simply because there’s a plastic layer doesn’t mean all potential problems are eliminated. You still need to be careful. Make good choices.


Sexiled! WU students share their roommate horror stories By Jessica Sommer Scene Reporter Not all roommates get along. Issues between roommates range from the noise level to personality problems, but nothing can provide more awkward moments than a sexually active or promiscuous roommate. Some people choose to sexile their roommates, and others just pretend they’re not there. Whatever the case, sex and roommates just don’t mix. For freshman Dave, the fun started early. During orientation, he came back to find his roommate in bed with a girl. When a certain song came on the radio, the girl decided she should share with the group that she lost her virginity to the tune. Although they said nothing was going on, Dave learned afterwards that the girl was naked under the blankets. “I used to get sexiled a lot,” said Dave. “At first it was really awkward, but now it doesn’t bother me. I think it’s more funny than anything.” Senior Rick also had a rough welcoming to college on move-in day. His roommate had managed

to acquire a girlfriend during pre-orientation, and after preparing to go to sleep, Rick was informed that, “now would be one of those times.” A few hours later, the roommate came out, donning a silk robe and cigar. While Rick certainly made friends quickly this way, he didn’t exactly enjoy the experience. “I basically just felt like I had no place to go,” he said. “I was kind of worried if it was going to happen again because it was freshman year and I didn’t know many people yet.” Even sleeping can be a difficult task when you have to worry about the sexcapades going on just a few feet away. Freshman Adam was sleeping in his room when suddenly he was awakened and told to leave so his roommate could sleep with a pre-frosh. With nowhere to go in the middle of the night, Adam stood outside of the door for 45 minutes until he was given the all clear signal. “After each time I’m ready to smother the person with a pillow,” said Adam. “In the middle of the night there’s just nowhere to go.”


Freshman Elizabeth Romaner made these plaster condom sculptures in her 3-D design class. Condoms were filled with plaster in the desired shape, tied at the ends, then allowed to dry and cool. When the shapes had hardened, the condoms were cut off and peeled away.

Not long after, Adam had another encounter with another roommate. This time he awoke to the sound of a drunken girl’s voice. Kissing noises slowly turned into sex noises and the noises of Adam’s roommate talking about his partner’s exboyfriend. “I don’t understand how they didn’t know I was awake,” said Adam. “They should have definitely gone somewhere else.” For most people, sleeping requires quiet, and the “suckling noises” and heav y breathing of freshman Emily’s roommate don’t exactly fall under this category. “I was frustrated because I had stuff to do in the morning,” said Emily. “I would have been fine with being sexiled. Afterwards I had trouble sleeping for about a week.” Also, sound travels, and sometimes the noises next door are just as irritating, particularly in the case of the thin walls in new dorms. Discretion is an important aspect of respecting your roommates, but clearly not everyone knows this. Freshman Allison came back to her

room to find her roommate straddling her boyfriend, which is only more shocking after the roommate’s reaction of, “Oh, I guess I should get off now.” “I was pretty unhappy about it because she never spent a lot of time in the room or ever really interacted with me,” said Allison, “but once she got a boyfriend she was just using the room to fool around all the time. They would just screw around while I was in there and not say anything.” Sometimes walking in right afterwards can be just as bad as interrupting. Freshman Eric came back one night to find his room smelling like sex, his roommate in a towel and a naked girl under the covers. “I don’t really mind that much. Just sometimes when I’m really tired I wish I could walk into my room and not have to worry about sex,” said Eric. “But it’s usually not so bad. However, when it’s my turn I expect the same treatment.” The stories go on and on, but your roommate’s patience won’t, so let’s all just remember one thing: be respectful.


You’ve been sexiled. Have a nice day!

Senior Scene Editor / Sarah Baicker /




What constitutes cheating? A survey of male and female undergrads on the Wash. U. campus

Compiled by Amanda Ogus, Scene Reporter; Graphs by Sarah Baicker, Senior Scene Editor

Mock Facebook relationship with someone of the same sexual preference

Excessive time spent with another person


Going on a date

Drunken hook-up (no sex)

Sober hook-up (no sex)

Sex (oral, vaginal, anal, etc.)

Percentage of people surveyed These results reflect the informal polling of 55 girls and 60 boys, totaling 115 participants. Therefore, the conclusions reached from this poll only show a small portion of Washington University students. The polling was administered during various meal times at Bear’s Den and Mallinckrodt Food Court throughout the past few weeks. The participants were given a

sheet of paper which described the poll and listed the seven different acts. The participants were then asked to indicate which of the acts they considered “cheating” in a romantic situation, and they interpreted the acts on their own. The results show that the male and female participants tended to agree with each other about which acts were

considered cheating. There is no significant gender divide. People’s opinions differed across the board on a few specific acts, especially on the “Cuddling/Spooning” option. This option seemed to be the vaguest in terms of emotional commitment, which could offer the reason for the discrepancy. Everyone polled considered sober hook-ups without sex and

sex to be cheating, and almost all considered drunken hookups without sex to be cheating. Some of those surveyed pointed to a personal double standard they held in the differences between what should be considered cheating for men and women. All in all, it seems as though the University’s students hold similar opinions about what is considered cheating.

Hooking up: One phrase, many meanings By Erin Fults Scene Special Features Editor


After you are done hooking up, make sure not to leave incriminating evidence lying around. You wouldn’t want your roommate to find something awkward.

We’ve all heard of it, we all talk about it and many of us have done it. Despite its commonality, however, the question still remains—just what does it mean? The phrase “hooking up” is one of the most ambiguous phrases to ever cross the lips of college students. The phrase is most commonly heard on weekends, particularly after parties. What was your friend doing with that random guy at the party? Why were you locked out of your room when your roommate’s girlfriend came over last night? Where did you disappear to at the party? If there’s one thing we like more than actually hooking up, it’s talking about it and who did it with whom. But the phrase takes on a multitude of meanings, from kissing in the corner to full-blown sex. The term has been broadly defined, in particular by Web sites such as, but is generally a nostrings-attached interaction. It’s casual sex, oral sex, feeling someone up, French kissing, going to

third base, a few drinks and a walk of shame in the morning; it is any and all physical relations; it is a word with no denotation but an excessive array of connotations. “When I think of hooking up, I think kissing and boobs,” related one Wash. U. sophomore. Hooking up is usually done under the influence of alcohol, as often occurs at parties. Intoxication lends itself to a subset of hooking up—the drunken hook-up. Usually, the participants do not know each other and don’t remember all of it the next day. The most common environment for the drunken hook-up is Frat Row. Another subset of the term is the booty-call hook-up. Not actually dating, but not altogether spontaneous, the booty-call can be viewed as hooking up with someone on a regular basis, usually on the weekends. An excellent alternative for those who like to keep their lives very scheduled. Just pencil that one in for Friday. Ever had a nasty breakup? Find yourself missing your ex? It’s no problem with ex-sex.

Again, frequently done while under the influence, the ex hook-up occurs when paths cross between former lovers, usually at the frats or a mutual friend’s party, and previously held urges cannot be contained. Result: usually regrettable but often repeated. Perhaps the most regrettable is the friend hook-up. Take two good buddies, throw some alcohol into the mix and voilà, you’ve got yourself an awkward situation. Even if the two of you don’t remember, your other friends sure as hell will and they probably have photographic evidence. It may strain the friendship, but remember that time heals all wounds. Just make sure to destroy the pictures. “Making out” is the tamer linguistic cousin of hooking up, but it’s still vague, running the gamut of physical interaction, but with more emphasis on groping and kissing. And, if you’re British, you may not be hooking up at all, but rather snogging. Just as ambiguous (Is it kissing? Is it sex?) but with a little more international appeal.


Senior Scene Editor / Sarah Baicker /


The female body: A crash course for the confused By Archana Varma Scene Reporter I once overheard two boys arguing with each other about whose girlfriend’s breasts produced more milk for them to, er, taste. Right. In an effort to educate the college male about females, several somewhat leading questions have been asked to Wash. U.’s male population and a few choice responses are produced below. We’ll start slow, and names are omitted to protect the clueless. What is a woman? “Anyone with a vagina and boobs.” “A woman is, uh, a human being possessed of a vagina and not a penis, furthermore augmented with ovaries and large mammary glands.” Although this is an ambiguous question, since we seem to be so concerned with succinct scientific defi nitions, two X chromosomes determine the female sex. On the other hand, biological factors are not solely responsible for determining who is considered or who considers herself a woman; some have chromosomal or hormonal differences while others may be without typical female anatomy. Gender, as opposed to sex, is often considered a social construct. What is the best way to woo a woman? “You have to take them out to dinner and buy them crap and tell them that they smell nice and make them feel

pretty.” “Um, be sensitive and sit there and listen to her and nod your head and say, ‘Uhhuh, I understand, that’s interesting,’ and stroke your chin.” Even if these techniques might be effective on a number of girls, there’s no general “best” way to pursue a woman since it varies individually; for example, some want to be complimented constantly, while such behavior would disgust others. Would you be able to tell if a girl’s hymen breaks during sex? How? “Yeah, magic!” “Yeah, it makes, uh, a popping sound and starts to bleed.” Before you start bragging about how loud it popped, you should know that there is no “popping sound” when a hymen rips, and your partner may or may not bleed. She may bleed even if she’s not a virgin, so theoretically the only way to know if she’s a virgin is if she tells you, although if she asks if it’s supposed to look like that, chances are that she’s a virgin (unless it really isn’t supposed to look like that, in which case medical attention might be in order). Since we’re on the subject... If a girl’s hymen is broken, does that mean she has had intercourse before? “Yes.” “Not necessarily. I guess she could have had sex with a cucumber, and that doesn’t

count! Does it?” The hymen can rip before a woman has sex due to physical exercises such as gymnastics or horseback riding or the insertion of tampons, among other things, into the vagina. Some women are born without hymens, as well. The hymen can also stretch rather than tear during penetration, so it’s additionally possible for a woman to have an intact hymen after having intercourse. Do you even know what a hymen is? “I’ve got an idea but I have no idea what the hell all this technical medical babble is.” “That’s when, um, the girl comes into a room full of men and they are like ‘Hey, girl’ and she is like ‘Hi, men!’” The hymen is a thin membrane that partially covers a female’s vaginal opening. Can a girl get pregnant if she has intercourse while she is having her period? “No.” “Wooh, this is tough. I don’t think so, and if she’s on her period, it’s like free lubrication!” Yes, she can. And now we’re going to kill two birds with one stone— Why do girls have periods? “I don’t know; it’s a natural thing.” “To fi nish their sentences.” What sign might make a girl suspect that she is pregnant?

The M-word: A guy’s perspective By Willie Mendelson Scene Reporter Upon coming to Washington University, many freshman guys are immediately faced with different issues and concerns they will soon have to confront. Will they get along with their roommates? Will they be able to meet new people easily and fi nd friends amongst a sea of 1,300 new faces? How is the food going to taste? Will they be able to fi nd a possible significant other? And then…there’s masturbation. Yes, masturbation—a highly sensitive issue, and one never openly discussed, as it would make for a very awkward topic of conversation. Many guys wonder how their other peers and floormates deal with the situation, since it is an extremely difficult and often ambiguous subject. Naturally, guys don’t want to know the sexual habits of their friends, so they are forced to deal with the situation on their own. As everyone knows, there is very little privacy in the halls of a dorm. Some guys may feel like there is no escape from floormates, that they will never be able to take care of their “personal needs.” Some may feel that masturbation is wrong, while others resort to it due to their own sexual frustrations and tension. Some even wonder if they do it too much. With all the issues masturbation presents, I set out to fi nd some answers. I administered an anonymous survey to 20 freshman guys in hopes of revealing the truth. The fi rst question posed was whether guys found themselves to be doing it more, less or the same

amount since coming to the University. Not surprisingly, most guys have done it less since coming to school. Undoubtedly, a large reason for this decrease is due to roommates and a lack of privacy. It is safe to say that every freshman guy fears being busted, or arguably worse, walking in on his roommate. A helpful thing is to know your roommate’s class schedule, so if you do need to spank the monkey or choke the chicken, you will know to plan accordingly. If you are ever unsure of when your roommate is in the room, however, and you come back from classes to fi nd your door locked, jiggle the knob a few times as a warning before walking in immediately, as this will give your roommate time to adjust. Another prominent issue involves how and where University males take care of their business. At home, this is not an issue, as guys have privacy. But here, having to deal with floormates and roommates (triples, I salute you) complicates the situation. Many responses that I received from the guys surveyed indicated that the shower or bathroom, one’s bed and one’s desk/ computer with internet access (of course) are all hot spots for masturbation. As far as when most guys like to do it, I received a variety of responses stretching across the day. Many guys had no specific time and said any time of the day is good (masturbation is, after all, an extremely enjoyable thing). Obviously one of the more popular responses was when a guy was alone or when there weren’t many people on the floor. This way, a guy could do what needed to be done without feel-

ing awkward or like he was missing out on some floor socializing. After all, in order to maintain a strong social life, it is important to mingle and hang out with one’s floor. Along with this, most guys agreed that there is such a thing as doing it too much, as most responded that doing it once a day or once every few days was sufficient (though I did receive a response of 15 times per week, proving that everyone is different). A general rule of thumb: if you fi nd yourself spending more time with your hand than with your friends or floormates, give it a rest. The overwhelming question, however, is why guys masturbate. Sure, it feels good, but I was determined to provide another reason. Many guys admitted that they did it because they were horny and sexually frustrated. (And honestly, what guy isn’t?) Some guys stated they would do it out of boredom, while others said they believed it was just a natural process. Many guys believe that the onset of stress increases the need to do it, an interesting phenomenon. In fact, many guys believed that advantages of masturbation included the release of stress and sexual tension. Let’s face it—this Mword plays a huge role in the life of a guy, and in a freshman guy’s case, it may be an issue that is dealt with on a daily basis. Just remember: you’re not alone. Oh, and if you unexpectedly return to your dorm room to fi nd the door locked, jiggle it. If you’re a really good roommate, though, you’ll go across the hall for a bit to chat and play N64 with your floormates—every guy is entitled to some quality “me” time.

“If she had unprotected sex and was feeling strange or had a lot of drugs, because when girls get drugged or extremely drunk they might not remember what happened the night before.” “If she... I don’t know, if she thought she had been impregnated.” In short, during menstruation, the uterus sheds the lining that prepares for the implantation of a fertilized egg after ovulation. If a girl misses her period, it could potentially be because she is pregnant, but periods can be missed because of other factors such as stress. Where do babies come out from? “The delivery room.” “Hey, wait, nothing pops out of the clitoris, right?” Babies are delivered from the vagina, except in other instances such as Caesarean sections, but in any case, nothing pops out of the clitoris. Speaking of which— Where is the clitoris? “I think it’s like inside somewhere, between the outer and inner lips.” “Isn’t that the subject of a South Park movie?” The clitoris is above the vagina. Since we don’t want to confuse you with too much “technical medical babble,” see Sarah Klein’s diagram. How do you make a woman orgasm? “By having sex with her.”


“You have to concentrate really, really hard and you have to tell her you love her.” This also varies individually since women have disparate cultural and social backgrounds and different degrees of comfort with their sexualities, so communicating with your partner is important. Although some

women are proponents of a vaginal rather than clitoral orgasm, and others may orgasm through stimulation of other body parts, knowing where the clitoris is might come in handy since clitoral stimulation often leads to orgasm. So study away, fellows; I know all you pre-meds are never ones to shy away from an anatomy lesson.

Romance 101

A single girl’s survival guide to Valentine’s Day By Laura Alexander Scene Columnist There comes a time in a single girl’s life when she opens her calendar and says to herself, “Shit! Valentine’s Day is coming.” That day is of course, tomorrow. No matter how comfortable you are in your singlehood, it’s still never fun to watch the couples head off to The Melting Pot toting flowers and gushy cards. But before you lock yourself in your room and start taking shots every time a couple walks by your window holding hands on this singles’ doomsday, let’s think of some healthier alternatives. Let’s begin by getting out the anger. It’s never healthy to keep all that built up inside of you. Some unsuspecting couple giving each other a quick peck as they part ways for class might make you hurl a psychology book across the Quad toward their happy embrace. What’s the real issue? Sophomore Emily Fung summed it up. “Valentine’s Day is great if you have someone, but sucks if you don’t.” So how do you get past it if you are one of those people who doesn’t have someone? There is always Freud’s classic technique of denial. People may say that denial is also unhealthy, but maybe those people aren’t trying to maintain an appetite in Bear’s Den with people feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries. Sophomore Christine Lee thinks that the worst part of Valentine’s Day is “watching the stupid couples go at it everywhere.” What can you do but go into denial that couples’ day o’ fame has arrived? One simple way is to ignore the rampant displays of cou-

Laura Alexander plehood. Embrace it as a day to get ahead in some schoolwork; thankfully, you can use the excuse that it’s a Tuesday night. Go to Olin Library and hole up in a cubicle until the day is over. Lee said she’ll “do nothing on Valentine’s Day because [she has] several tests coming up.” Then you’ll have all your work done for the weekend so you can go out and enjoy partying it up as a single. If any couple dares to swap Valentines in the cubicle next to yours, you have permission to throw a notebook. Fung proposed a more fun option. “Hang out with friends who are also single and revel in it!” she said. Turn this dismal day into a celebration. Head out with your single girlfriends to the Cheesecake Factory to swap your own valentines, discuss your endless options of guys and talk about how awesome the single’s life is, just loud enough for the tables of couples nearby to hear. Being that it is Valentine’s Day, it should be pretty obvious which guys are in a relationships and which are not. So take this awesome opportunity to scope out someone with which to spend your next Valentine’s Day. Put on a cute outfit and head down to Ursa’s—you never know, Mr. Right could be standing alone in the

ice cream line while all his friends are out on dates. He might enjoy some company. If you really want to do something that nobody in a couple can, celebrate your singlehood. You’re single, which means tomorrow night still holds the unknown: a fi rst kiss, a steamy study session with your biology lab partner or even the chance to sexile your roommate with the hot guy from your political science class. And for a true celebration of singlehood, throw a singles party. Have your friends invite everyone they know who will be alone and get ready for a room full of exciting options. Help decrease the chance that a single will refer to the day as a complete waste of 24 hours. Maybe if the night is a success, next year you won’t have to read this guide. Evaluate your options and make sure you have a Valentine’s Day that doesn’t suck. Emily Fung said she plans to, “eat [her] weight in chocolate” tomorrow. There are other ways to get through the National Rubbing Couplehood in Your Face Day. Put away the chocolate and pull out clothing options for the singles party. It’s time to make use of this overly hyped February day. This year, don’t be found counting down the minutes until midnight. Instead, count the number of pages of reading you got through, the number of fun hours you spent chatting with your girlfriends over dinner or the number of cute guys’ cell phone numbers you have stuffed in your pockets. It’s time to make Valentine’s Day count for something in Singles Land.

Senior Scene Editor / Sarah Baicker /


How to please your sweetheart By Natalie Wolfson Special to Student Life If you haven’t made any plans yet for Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer a few suggestions. I will also humbly attempt to dole out some advice for pleasing whomever you find yourself with this Valentine’s Day, be it someone special (or not so special), or yourself—I think everyone deserves a pleasurefest once in a while, particularly when you know everyone else is getting some on this night. I’d like to mention that I feel that there is a lot of similarity between the male and female sex organs, despite appearances. This being said, feel free to take inspiration from either advice section, no matter whom you’re fixing to please this Valentine’s Day, particularly if that someone is yourself. Many tips can be applied to anyone. I also above all advise an open dialogue between partners. Every body’s different and, at the risk of sounding cliché, you should just do what feels good. 1. Foreplay Lots of people enjoy a variety of teasings. It’s up to you to determine which your partner prefers. Several erogenous areas to try: fingertips and inner arms, neck and earlobes. If time is no obstacle, as it shouldn’t be this Valentine’s Day, one might try working from the extremities (discounting the shaft, of course), inward, perhaps under the pretense of a full body massage.

For her pleasure: Foreplay does not start at the clit. You know better than that, but here are a couple of tips on how to get there: —Tease her first, licking down her stomach or up her inner thighs. From there it’s also a smooth transition to her clitoris. —Start by licking and kissing gently around her clit. For his pleasure: —Start in a similar way working your way towards his nether regions. —Start licking the inner thighs and proceed, if you’re comfortable, to gently licking and sucking his balls. —Licking from the top of the balls, work your way up the shaft, making sure to adequately wet the area. This will later aid your cock-sucking efforts. 2. Passing your oral exam I present this section to you as a collaborative effort between myself and my favorite sexpert, from whom I learned how to give head in sleepaway camp at the ripe young age of 15. She has always been wise beyond her years. For her pleasure: —Use your fingers to spread her lips gently so you can lick on and around her clit. —Try flicking just the tip of your tongue back and forth across her clit, but mix it up a bit by alternating the tip of your tongue and the flat of it. Switch between long slow licking and

quick up-and-down licking and between kissing and sucking gently. —Try to get a rhythm going as she gets more into it and vary your rhythm and technique from time to time. —Most important, don't stop until she tells you to stop. Nothing’s worse than leaving one participant unsatisfied when the other has gotten his or hers. —All women are different, so pay attention to her body's responses. Some like light licking right on the clit, some like more pressure around it. Some might want a finger or tongue inside, others don't. For his pleasure: —One general tip: kiss the tip, pursing your lips in a way that he may feel he is entering you. Most people tend to cover their teeth with their lips, but I feel this precaution is unnecessary with this method. I usually, however, discourage the use of biting on anyone unless it has been explicitly requested—the extensive use of the tongue is the reason oral sex is often preferred over intercourse. —Work your tongue along the underside of the shaft paying specific attention to the butterfly area, the most sensitive part (located just below the head on the underside of the shaft). —At the head, work your tongue in a spiraling motion around the shaft. 3. For a good time At this point you may have

trouble making a reservation for Valentine’s Day dinner, I recommend preparing a meal at home to show your loved one that you care. Dessert choice is key to winning a lover’s heart and may be integrated into the evening’s foreplay. Lesbians may take note that Novak’s Bar and Grill is having a $25 Valentine’s Day dinner. Call (314) 531-3699. And if it looks like you’ll be spending this Valentine’s Day alone, no need to fret. You’re not alone, fellow single. Celebrate your status by doing your favorite alone things that being in a relationship can sometimes deprive you of. Take a long, hot bath (or shower) and curl up with a good book, your favorite movie and perhaps a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Or if you’re thinking about something slightly more intimate, I advise you to head over to Heffalump’s on 387 N. Euclid in the Central West End. They’re currently having a 50 percent off liquidation sale on all their “novelty” items, including vibrators and other accessories among the true novelty items that make up the majority of what they carry. Singles and couples alike will find something to satisfy their needs this Valentine’s Day. They even carry Valentine’s Day cards, along with other seasonal novelty items, of course. I hope that whether you find yourself alone or attached this Valentine’s Day, or with another warm body to share the holiday, you’ll have a good and—this goes without mentioning—safe time.

SEXUAL ASSUALT v FROM PAGE 2 “We have adopted a sexual assault response commitment that we publicize,” said Strom. This procedure guarantees that WUPD will meet with victims privately at a time and location of their choice and that a victim’s parents will not be contacted without the victim’s consent. WUPD is also committed to arranging for medical help and “will fully investigate” reports of sexual assault, said Strom. By protocol, once WUPD’s investigation is complete, the case is turned over the to St. Louis’ prosecution office for review. Strom discussed a frequent misconception of sexual assault. “When people see [a] sexual assault number they think of it in terms of people hiding behind a tree waiting to grab someone,” said Strom. “In reality, the experience we see on college campus is that the person who poses the biggest threat to them is someone they know throughout some relationship and not someone lurking in the shadows somewhere.” This pattern seems to hold true with the students surveyed. Seventeen of the students who

indicated that they had been victims said that the incident occurred with someone they knew—a friend, sexual partner, acquaintance, or a date. Alcohol also seems to be a factor in many reports of sexual assault. “Given what we know about the correlation and alcohol use, I think you could jump to the conclusion that Thursday, Friday, Saturday night tends to be time of the week that the incidents are on the increase,” said Strom. Forty percent of the students surveyed who answered that they had been involved with an incident of sexual assault also said that alcohol and/or drugs were involved. When either or both are intoxicated, investigating a reported sexual assault crime becomes even more difficult. “[When intoxicated], people are uncertain of whether they have been sexually assaulted,” said Strom. “People are uncertain about the circumstances in which it occurred, [and then] we find that the survivor or the perpetrators were under the influence of something during the episode.”


According to the University Chief of Police Don Storm, under five percent of sexual assault incidents are repored to campus authorities. On campus, there are several student-run organizations that were put in place to help victims of sexual assault. The Committee Organized for Rape Education (CORE), according to the Student Health Services Web site, “[is a group of] students [who] work to educate the community about rape and sexual

assault.” The Sexual Assault and Rape Action Hotline (SARAH) is an anonymous student-run hotline that offers counseling and referrals for those in need. There is also One in Four, a group of men that attempts to educate the community about how men can help prevent sexual assault and rape.

Kissing Girls: WU’s lesbian community By Caroline Wekselbaum News Editor “We need another party on campus,” states the description for “Kissing Girls,” a Facebook group which is geared towards bringing together lesbian, bisexual and questioning persons on campus. One might consider this an invitation to a community that might otherwise be hard to find. “I feel like there’s enough of a [lesbian] scene here, but I know it’s not very accessible until you find it,” said junior Brittany Scott, one of the co-founders of Kissing Girls. “I think Kissing Girls helped me when I was first coming out to figure out who else was a lesbian on campus, that there were other lesbians on campus,” she said. “There’s a lot of GLBT [gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender] groups too and I think that not everybody is involved, but there are a handful [who are involved].”

Sophomore Betsy Rubinstein, a member of the Kissing Girls group, reported that the lesbian community on campus is small and close and that members of Kissing Girls are at its helm. “I feel like a lot of the lesbians who are out about it pretty much know each other personally or through other people because there aren’t that many,” said Rubinstein. “I’d say there are about 50, but that could be a little high or low. I meet a lot of people through other people. There’s sort of like a main group that’s sort of like the leaders of Kissing Girls…I feel like if you wanted to meet people, you could just come to one of our parties.” Most of Rubinstein’s experiences have been positive when it comes to others being comfortable with her lesbian identity, although she recounted one incident which she found offensive. It was at a party where she was wearing clothing that a fellow

party-goer felt looked masculine. “This guy comes up to me, he’s drunk and laughing, and he says, ‘So, you’re going for a transition.’ And I go, ‘A transition? What do you mean?’ He’s like, ‘With your gender?’ And I go, ‘With my gender?’ And he’s like, ‘I guess I just think things like that when I see girls in drag,’” recounted Rubinstein. “That’s probably the only negative experience I’ve had.” Rubinstein reported that for the most part, however, she is comfortable being out at the University. “I have a girlfriend right now and I could ultimately hold her hand on campus,” said Rubinstein. “No one has ever made any remarks to me, but on the same level, you don’t know what people are saying behind your back. For me, I don’t really care, I mean, people are respectful and I think if people are staring at us, it’s more out of curiosity rather than hate or disgust because you don’t

really see any openly gay people on campus and openly displaying that they’re together on this campus.” Although the gay and lesbian communities on campus might be mistakenly lumped into a single category, the two communities are independent of one another. “In my experience, I think that the lesbian community is a lot different from the gay male community,” said Rubinstein. “I’ve noticed that gay men don’t really hang out with lesbian women,” said junior Dan Covich, who is currently engaged in a gay male relationship. Scott partially echoed this sentiment, adding that there is some camaraderie “On a campus level, I feel like gays and lesbians are more separated, especially on the political level, but when it comes to a more personal level, I don’t feel separated from the gay community,” said Scott.

makes us feel like we’re supposed to play these roles that don’t give us room to improvise,” said Stiritz. “We always have much more fun when we improvise than when we just do what we’re supposed to do…There’s just a real stiffness in how men and women talk to each other, and that’s a shame.” Such improvisation, according to Murphy, is especially present in same-sex relationships, which entail the break-down of rehearsed social scripts that feature the roles of the “ideal man” and

the “ideal woman.” This lack of structure, however, generates a new set of pressures. “I think [same-sex relationships] are more complicated from the perspective that you can assume less,” said Murphy. “In heterosexual relationships, everyone has a script you can fall back on… In same-sex relationships, you don’t inherit a social script that tells you how this is supposed to be, and, more than likely, you didn’t grow up in a family that told you how it was supposed to be. So you get to do an awful lot of invention.”

PERFORMANCE v FROM PAGE 6 thing is that our culture has grown out of Victorian culture, and Victorian culture believed that women had no sexual feelings. Up until very recently, women have not had permission to be sexual. I’ll have a lot of students say, ‘I don’t need to have an orgasm, I’m happy just to have this cuddling and being close,’ but the truth that women don’t know how to have orgasms…I don’t think that’s the be all end all of relationships, but I think that the orgasm gap does indicate that women don’t know about their sexual

response as well as men do, and our society has shaped us that way.” The desire to please, however, is not exclusive to women. “[For men] there’s pressure to please women,” said Jeffrey. “Especially if it’s my girlfriend, I want her to be happy.” Throwing away the script The pressures that men and women face in their interactions may be due to their adherence to a social script that dictates their actions while limiting their enjoyment. “The whole romantic script



EXPERTS v FROM PAGE 2 David Coleman, the self-professed “dating doctor” who has spoken at the University in the past, said students often jump into relationships too quickly for the wrong reasons. “College is scary and people think that if they have a partner to go through it with, that will ease the problems and the unknown,” said Coleman. Puhn has noted similar trends concerning long-distance relationships during college. In her opinion, the continuation of high school relationships in college “can be a safety net,” as students in a new place search for “something to stay constant.” In these instances, Puhn advises people to “remember that the other thing staying constant is you…you don’t need another source of consistency in your life.” For those who do choose to maintain long-distance relationships, Puhn emphasizes the necessity of establishing ground rules of communication, such as consistently speaking on a weekly basis. “It’s wishful thinking to think it will all work out…it won’t unless you make a plan.” According to Coleman, another challenging facet of college relationships lies in the differing sexual needs of the genders. “The problem is that you’ve got college men that are in their sexual prime and college women who are not…women want to find a guy that knows who he is and what he wants,” said Coleman. Although it might seem to connect students to their peers, the Facebook, Coleman believes, poses a challenge to maintaining relationships. “I think it’s the world’s biggest dating Web site…you can look up people from any college campus, see them doing anything…it makes staying in relationships harder,” said Coleman. In addition, the atmosphere of college life may augment the emotional burden of relationships due to the amount of stress that accompanies academics. “Especially in a place like Wash. U., in which the challenges and the demands for academic success are very strong, there’s a lot of pressure to do well,” explained Michael Merbaum, a clinical psychologist and a psychology professor at the University. Although Merbaum affirms that positive relationships have the potential to “serve as a buffer against stress,” he warned that, in relationships “where there isn’t this kind of support, people can feel rejected and unhappy and unappreciated.” In light of the wide array of challenges associated with the college dating scene, the relationship experts offer many recommendations to guide successful relationships during these years. According to Puhn, privacy is one of the most crucial elements of college relationships, which may seem strange at first since, for many high school couples, the concept of discretion hardly existed. “In college, part of the maturity is that there’s a certain private space…be careful not to reveal too much of what goes on between the two of you, especially about sexual things,” said Puhn. For Coleman, the key to making a long-term relationship work in college is to “avoid smothering each other.” In addition, Coleman uses the mnemonic device “TRIPC” to remind people of the five principal characteristics of healthy relationships: trust, respect, intimacy, passion, and commitment. Merbaum considers “the ability for reciprocity,” the fundamental key to successful

relationships, as things that partners do for each other are regarded by both of them as mutually important. “The issue is, are you able to share your resources with the other person, or are you demanding in the way that the other person eventually capitulates to your needs?” said Merbaum. Aside from the intricacies of serious relationships, these relationship experts also believe that severe challenges accompany college romance even when it is not defined in such strict terms. One of these circumstances, known as “friends with privileges,” can prove dangerous due to the fact that people are oftentimes surprised at the difficulty of separating the act of having sex from emotional feelings. Tom Bruonk has also noted harmful trends associated with “the hookup culture” at college. Although Bruonk, the Chief of Mental Health Services and the Associate Director of Student Health Services, understands that such sexual escapades reflect the fact that college is a time of exploration, he worries about the lack of communication that occurs in these circumstances, especially when hookups occur while those involved are under the influence. “The problem with hookups is that, by their very nature, they are ambiguous,” said Brounk. “This sometimes leaves one individual feeling confused after the hookup, which goes on indefinitely without there being some clarification.” On top of such troubling uncertainties, the issue of safety also plays into the dangers of hookups. “Everybody makes mistakes,” said Puhn. “But you don’t want to make the kinds of safety mistake that changes the rest of your life.” While the complexities of college relationships have a large impact on individuals’ present state of mind, they can also have effects on their post-college relationships and sexual preferences. Coleman believes that the habits one develops during college will continue in the future. “We seek out what is familiar to use and what we practice we get good at,” said Coleman. “If you’ve got someone that just hooks up on weekends, they’re going to have a hard time when they get out of college connecting with people.” Coleman also warned that sexual exploration in college can have a serious long-term impact, explaining that, “when [an extremely experimental man] graduates it will be hard for him to find someone to satisfy his sexual appetite.” Merbaum has witnessed other situations in which the challenges of college relationships can have lasting negative effects, such as failed relationships. “We like to be accepted by other people, and when these things don’t occur we can start criticizing ourselves or feeling low and unsatisfied…those kinds of things can linger on and affect us deeply.” Yet despite the possibility of unpromising outcomes such as these, Merbaum added the uplifting thought that “if you happen to have a good relationship you’re really protected against a lot of these negative emotions that we all try to avoid.” After all, in Merbaum’s words, “relationships with other people are the critical thing in life in any event.” For more information and advice from Laurie Puhn, visit David Coleman, the “dating doctor,” can be reached at, or by visiting www.

TESTS v FROM PAGE 6 their plans.” Other students disagree with these sentiments. “[Valentine’s Day] shouldn’t be a consideration. It’s not really a religious holiday.” said sophomore Shiv Desai, who is in Introduction to Financial Accounting. Desai did add, however, that given a choice between having an exam on Valentine’s Day or the day after, he would rather have a test on Valentine’s Day. Accounting Professor Tzachi Zach said that Valentine’s Day was not a consideration when he decided to administer his exam on the holiday. “It’s something that people can get over…My view is that unless it’s something that’s really important, I don’t let it interfere with the sequence of the course,” said Zach. “Now, one may view Valentine’s [Day] as really important…but I think that academics are first…You see, with exams, there are several things going on. One is that

you want to put the exam in the right place in the sequence of the course…If you start juggling it around, it has implications on the entire planning of the course.” Zach explained that although he tends not to consider holidays like Valentine’s Day in planning his curriculum, there are certain holidays he does consider. “I do take into account and look at the schedule ahead of time to see whether other holidays fall in place…So, I would look ahead and see if my exam may fall on Passover, for example, or on any other holiday,” he said. While students interviewed for this article seemed sympathetic towards Zach’s view, they said that they would prefer to enjoy Valentine’s Day without worrying about intensive studying. “I don’t think it’s insensitive, and I don’t know if they’re doing it [administering tests on Valentine’s Day] on purpose, but I’d rather they didn’t,” said Lai.


Senior Cadenza Editor / Laura Vilines /



n. a technically brilliant, sometimes improvised solo passage toward the close of a concerto, an exceptionally brilliant part of an artistic work

arts & entertainment

Penis or not a penis?

The Contenders Banana Penis

1 3

2 Dick Cheney Dick

4 5


Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day

Golf Trophy

Washington Monument


Tennis Ball Face

Valentine Panties

The opinions are in, but is there a consensus? Dear reader, we leave the final verdict up to you. Because in the end, isn’t everything a penis? Freud would agree with the Cadenza staff in our collective “yes.”

Final Tally: 1. Banana Penis – 4 for 2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day – 1 for, 3 against 3. Dick Cheney Dick — 2 for, 2 against 4. Golf Trophy – 3 for, 1 against 5. Washington Monument – 4 for 6. Tennis Ball Face – 1 for, 3 against 7. Valentine Panties – 3 for, 1 against



o the chagrin of many, the waning NFL season has left a space, a veritable vacuum, in newsprint. That vacuum, which demands to be refi lled, is the assembled opinions of staffers on issues of a dichotomous nature, better known as “picks.” We at Cadenza have answered the call to fi ll this space, and we have fi lled it…with penises. The question of “penis, or not a penis?” is formidable, a riddle that is writ on the very history of the human experience. A notable and recent example comes from the sterile-family-fun world of Disney. In the closing act of “The Little Mermaid,” just before the colluded nuptials of Prince Eric and Ursula (in her sexified form), the smiling priest conducting the ceremony appears to be more than just happy. Many have contended that the bishop’s “bishop” was another instance of perverse Disney animators having their way with the impressionable minds of American youth. Indeed, the cover art of the self-same movie allegedly showcased an underwater castle with very phallic architecture. So the question rears its primeval head: is this a penis, or not a penis? We have taken it upon ourselves to address these historical mysteries in a democratic forum. As for our happy priest, the truth can be found in the viewpoint. In profi le, the diminutive clergyman certainly appears to be sporting a chubby. From a crane-shot angle, however, the geometry of his posture is clarified. The suspected “penis” is nothing more scandalous than a pair of knobby knees. In this case, the verdict is in: not a penis. But the question still burns in the minds of the populace concerning many other possible penises, as explored below.


By the Cadenza Staff

The Judges 1. Banana Penis. This looks Photoshopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few ‘shops in my time. Nonetheless, a penile archetype. (Vote: Penis) 2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. While the standard usage of a condom is to relegate sperm to the trash can or mar a roommate’s door handle, this enormous prophylactic is used to hide the lie of this architectural imposter. That’s a tower, not a penis. (Vote: Not a penis) 3. Dick Cheney Dick. Given the exploits of other members of the current political David Freeman party, this trouser-bulge is more likely a listening device. (Vote: Not a penis) 4. Golf Trophy. To say nothing of the shape, the affection visited upon this phallus by Cristie Kerr is tantamount to its nature: Everyone loves a penis. (Vote: Penis) 5. Washington Monument. If I can use my own genitalia as a reference, this pointy memorial is an exemplar penis. The accuracy of the likeness is startling. (Vote: Penis) 6. Tennis Ball Face. Who picked these images?! (Vote: Penis) 7. Valentine Panties. If biology has taught me anything, it is that this default human sex organ can be differentiated into a penis with a timely blast of dihydrotestosterone. This could potentially have been a penis; that’s good enough for my vote. (Vote: Penis) 1. Banana Penis. This is clearly a penis that is dressing up like a banana for Halloween. I’ve seen it before a million times. (Vote: Penis) 2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. Now I’ve seen architectural gaffes before, but I can’t quite imagine how ugly this tower must be that they needed to put a condom over it for “AIDS Day.” Just sick. (Vote: Not a penis) 3. Dick Cheney Dick. One might presume we are dealing with a laser aimed at the young girl’s head. Knowing his wife Lynn, however, (see her 1979 sexually charged Robbie Gross novel “Sisters”) I’ve got a feeling this is a penis of massive destruction. (Vote: Penis) 4. Golf Trophy. This is undoubtedly a trophy. Penises are not transparent. (Vote: Not a penis) 5. Washington Monument. The way it brings tears to my eyes as I think about our Founding Father; the way the American flags dance around its base; the way it stands for spreading freedom with our penetrating values–this is and must be a penis. (Vote: Penis) 6. Tennis Ball Face . Tenn-is. Pen-is. Not a penis! (Vote: Not a penis) 7. Valentine Panties . I find this image to be a needless provocation! An insult to the very values of freedom of speech! I am offended, and I demand this image be taken out immediately! (Vote: Penis) 1. Banana Penis. While it might just be an oddly (or possibly not-so-oddly) shaped banana, my penis-sense is tingling. (Vote: Penis) 2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. I know what condoms are for and that is for the covering of penii. (Vote: Penis) 3. Dick Cheney Dick. The man seems too cranky to be packing that much meat. Probably not a penis. (Vote: Not a penis) Adam Summerville 4. Golf Trophy. I’m too aroused for it to not be a penis. (Vote: Penis) 5. Washington Monument. I know my national monuments, and that one is definitely a penis. Lincoln Memorial? Not a penis. Surprisingly the Jefferson Memorial is a penis as well—who knew? (Vote: Penis) 6. Tennis Ball Face. I’ve seen a few penises in my day and that is most assuredly not one. (Vote: Not a penis) 7. Valentine Panties. While I can’t be sure, there is probably not a penis present. But then again, I don’t like surprises, so “better safe than sorry” says it’s a penis. (Vote: Penis) 1. Banana Penis. Is that a banana in that picture or is it just happy to see me? It’s happy to see me. (Vote: Penis) 2. Buenos Aires Building Condom For World AIDS Day. What’s a penis without a matching vagina? Next World Aids Day, I demand to see a giant dental dam. Dental Dam! (Vote: Not a penis) 3. Dick Cheney Dick. Conservative Republicans are well known to be great in the sack. Be proud, Dick, be proud. Laura Vilines (Vote: Penis) 4. Golf Trophy. Did anyone else notice who her sponsor is? Cheeri, oh, oh ohhhhs. I think the answer here is clear. (Vote: Penis) 5. Washington Monument. Forefather or foreskin. Standing proud for liberty or just standing proud. The similarities are countless. (Vote: Penis) 6. Tennis Ball Face. Only one ball. A little disappointing. The look on that guy’s face: penis-less. (Vote: Not a penis) 7. Valentine Panties. As the lone girl in this group, I must proclaim loudly—It’s not a penis! (Vote: Not a penis)

Senior Cadenza Editor / Laura Vilines /




Do animals celebrate Valentine’s Day? An interview with a naturalist Theatre Editor

years, to get a better idea about animal love, or really, animal mating.

Oh hubristic Homo sapiens. On Valentine’s Day, millions of chauvinistic humanists gather together to celebrate what they believe makes them special—this is a thing called love. But what about the animal kingdom? What do they think of this pageantry, this rather absurd holiday that pretends that humans are somehow above merely reproductive functions? Cadenza spoke to Kevin Koenig, a naturalist who has been working at the St. Louis Zoo for close to 20

Cadenza: Do the animals do anything related to love [making] that surprises some of the zoo’s visitors? Kevin: One of the things that grosses people out is when they see, in many mammals, the female urinating. The urine contains hormones and the male will put his tongue out and swish it around in his mouth like it’s a wine tasting. The males perform what is called a flehmen response, where they curl heir lips up so as to better test the urine [to determine

By Robbie Gross

chiefly if the animal is in heat]. To humans it sounds like a really perverted thing to do, but in the animal world it’s a way of communicating: “I’m healthy, I’m ready to reproduce.”...Otherwise, there’s the baboons. Their butts swell. It’s like a baboon saying “I’m ready.” C: How can humans, this Valentine’s Day, reflect on the mating practices of their animal brethren? K: In New Guinea, male bowerbirds make bowers, or nests, that are these complex structures [including shells, leaves, flowers, stones, or berries] they weave with their beaks.

Then the males will find these shiny objects and put them into the bower. The females then choose the male based on who can demonstrate being a good builder and a good scavenger. I’ve determined after all this that humans do much of the same thing…. How many guys on campus get girls because they have nice cars or nice clothing? C: Too many, unfortunately. But what about this question of love? Do animals love? K: We don’t know. Unless we want to anthropomorphize them, we just can’t know.

In a sentimental mood: a Valentine’s playlist By Jordan Deam Music Editor For many, the days leading up to Feb. 14 are filled with frantic preparation. There are reservations to be made, clothes to iron and fragrant oils and spices to be purchased and laid delicately near the desired location of romance (as is my understanding). But often in the commotion we forget perhaps the most important way to set the mood: the music. To make this job easier for you, the reader, Cadenza has a few recommendations that are sure to tickle your lover’s fancy. Neutral Milk Hotel—“Oh Comely” In this heartwarming ballad, vocalist/songwriter Jeff Magnum sings to an unnamed childhood friend about the shared experi-

ences of their youth. Magnum’s silky voice croons over a sparse acoustic guitar, taking the listener on a magical journey through his idyllic youth. Can—“Soup” This extended jam by the multi-national Kraut-rock outfit Can is guaranteed to take things up a notch. It begins with the sensual, yet incomprehensible, mutterings of Japanese vocalist Damo Suzuki. A funky bass and drum groove soon enters, while fuzzed-out guitar weaves in and out of the mix. Finally, after numerous extended noise freakouts, Suzuki begins screaming gibberish. Mouse on Mars—“Actionist Respoke” The pounding electronic beat of this song may be a staple

of every “Ibiza” dance mix at your local record store, but only Mouse on Mars can boast the unique vocal prowess of what sounds like an enraged robotic chipmunk. Perfect for unlocking the “freakier” side of your date that you always knew was lurking beneath the surface. Ween—“Spinal Meningitis” This song is tied with Ween’s other classic, “Mononucleosis,” for the fourth spot on this playlist. It has a funky, phased-out sound reminiscent of ‘70s adult entertainment soundtracks—but don’t let the instrumentation fool you. This song is, as the title suggests, actually about a young child inflicted with a terminal illness. As the boy repeatedly asks “Why they wanna see my spine mommy?” you and your date will be reaching the heights of ecstasy.

C: What about dating? K: We sent two of our female elephants to the Springfield Zoo to mate with their bull elephant, Onyx. They were transported in a tractor trailer, sort of like a party bus. It was like a date, only they were over there for more than just one day. C: And the Walrus penis? K: Some of the penis bones of walrus’ used to be used by humans to club baby seals. They would club the seals and skin them.


This female baboon is ready for some lovin’.

C: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Porn parodies for the year 2006 By Adam Summerville Movie Editor

own, correcting all of the wrongs in his life.

“Good Night and Good Fuck” A wry and topical porn about a sexy news anchor who does his best to fight the establishment, using the power of the airwaves and his penis to stop the government from forcing its prudish ways on everyone.

“Hairy Cock-ring and the Half-limp Prick” The sixth in the series, this is more a cautionary tale than a traditional porn. What happens when the cockring is left on too long? Poor Hairy has to fi nd out. This is defi nitely the darkest in the series, seeing the departure of Hairy’s mentor Anal Bum-is-sore.

“Kramer on Kramer” Sexiness results when a couple splits up and fights for the custody of their boy-toy. Who will get to keep having sex with Toshiro, their Japanese male escort? Who cares? Finally, some all Kramer-on-Kramer action.

“Bare-back Mount-him” A sweet porn about the love between two gay cowboys. Oh wait, that’s already been done. Well, just throw in a lot of sex and call it a day.

“Anal Hall” Neurotic Alfie is his own worst enemy as his neuroses get between him and Anal Hall, a nymphomaniac who wants him to take her from behind at all times. After losing her, he travels out to California to write a porn of his

The Chronicles of Labia: Lying with a Witch in a Wardrobe When four siblings travel into a magical and sexy land of goat-men (not for those with weak stomachs) only through the power of love, hope and incest can they melt the frosty grip of the ice queen who rules the land.

These ice queens are hot v To find the hottest athlete wives, look no farther than the hockey arena By Justin Davidson Senior Sports Editor I had the unfortunate experience of working at Blockbuster Video for three years during high school. Aside from the free rentals, there aren’t many incentives to working at the epitome of corporate America. That is, unless you have a number of professional athletes that belong to your fi ne chain. Specifically, that is unless you have pro athletes who have wives hotter than fi re. Several members of the New York Islanders, Rangers, Jets, Yankees and Knicks belonged to my Blockbuster (including the not-so-sexy Bill O’Reilly). Through my encounters with these world-class athletes and the times I was fortunate enough for their wives to come rent the latest New Release, I came to a glaring realization: hockey players have the absolute hottest wives in the sporting world. I kid you not, if there was a point scale to demonstrate how much hotter hockey wives are than all other athletes’ wives, they’d be off the chart. Let me explain. Don’t get me wrong—in sports like basketball, football and baseball, players have gorgeous wives. These wives put normal American women to shame with their perfect sleek bodies, shimmering and shining hair and glowing personalities. But compared to hockey wives, there’s one huge difference: hockey wives are perfectly natural. A good way to put a visual to this concept is to think of the trainer for the Iceland team in the critically acclaimed fi lm “D2: The Mighty Ducks.” Think of her—flowing golden hair, slim and

toned physique, sexy Nordic accent, perfect pearly whites and an athleticism that would put most men to shame—and multiply that by 10. Now put an oversized hid-

eously disfigured man with a concaved nose, possibly missing teeth, brutish demeanor and terrible Eastern European accent next to her and you have your hockey wife. Every hockey wife I’ve been fortunate to gaze upon has been a natural beauty— not hidden behind pounds of makeup or enhanced through

augmentation—while wives from other sports have an essence of Rodeo Drive or Park Avenue that gives them their beauty. Additionally, another glar-

ing separation is in the athletes themselves. Basketball, football or baseball players, for the most part, are very good-looking people; they’re physically fit, tall, handsome and have all their teeth. Many hockey players, however, are ugly as sin. Take New York Islanders’ left wing Oleg Kvasha. This

guy’s face is so contorted that I’m convinced that he was punched in the face every night as a child to toughen him up as he grew up in Soviet Russia. He’s a tough guy in-

ty walk into Blockbuster with this abomination of a man, leaving my mouth literally agape and some drool dribbling down the side. I was completely amazed that this man is with this woman. Unbelievably, who would’ve known that a woman wearing jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt and no makeup could elicit such a response. She was probably wearing less than $50 worth of clothing and still made heads turn. And then a few weeks later I met Islanders’ captain Alexei Yashin’s fiancée, former supermodel Carol Alt. Alt was one of the fi rst “supermodels” of the 1980s, and even in her early 40s this woman was a stunner. And then I met Islanders’ Roman Hamrlik’s wife. Hot. And then I met Islanders’ Jason Blake’s wife. Hotter. The fact that these men could marry the crème de la crème of the female gender simply adds to their wives’ hotness. Sure, gorgeous women could marry professional athletes for their good looks and mountains of money, but it really rings true when butt-ugly hockey players with fewer teeth and considerably lower JUSTIN DAVIDSON | STUDENT LIFE salaries are bagging the deed, but he resembles more best-looking broads. Maybe it’s in the hockey of a pug than a person. His deep sunken eyes, crooked players’ amiable personaliand flat nose, square jaw and ties, or maybe it has to do the five teeth that he still has with their national origins. left all lay claim to his sheer Either way, there’s one undeniable truth: hockey players ugliness. And yet, Kvasha’s wife is have the hottest wives, and absolutely drop-dead gor- anyone who has a basis for geous. I remember seeing comparison can’t argue oththis shining beacon of beau- erwise.

ENGAGED STUDENTS v FROM PAGE 2 engaged couples receive counseling to establish a secure relationship. “One of the interesting possibilities here that the partners can think about is pre-marital counseling, in that they have a chance to sit down and talk to somebody about their relationship,” said Merbaum. “Some of the things they can reasonably expect, and how to anticipate problems and amplify joys and satisfaction.” Yet Merbaum sees nothing wrong with students being engaged while still in college. “If they are mature, if they have made the commitment, and if they have sworn fidelity to one another during this period, then that is a very nice commitment and one that other people perhaps can envy,” said Merbaum. “It also implies a certain kind of stability that maybe protects somebody against the anxieties about finding a mate.” After six years of being engaged, Bannister has found this level of stability in her own relationship. “It’s hard work figuring out how to be very open and communicative, and that takes a really long time,” said Bannister “At first it’s this great passionate thing, and you have to transition from that to a deeper love based on understanding.”

EXERCISE v FROM PAGE 16 people feel better about themselves when they’re in better shape. Exercise on its own releases endorphins, after all. Furthermore, people get more sexual attention, not only when they’re more fit, but also when they’re more confident in their own skin. All of these are perfectly good reasons to engage in more physical activity. But what better reason is there than a guaranteed better sex life? Rijos also added that the Student Health Advisory Committee has organized an event called “Sexercise with Jim Mourey: Work Up an Appetite for Love.” She noted that participants will learn how to exercise to “sexy songs” and will obtain information about sexual health. This event will take place this Friday, Feb. 17, at 5 p.m. in Ursa’s Fireside.


Senior Sports Editor / Justin Davidson /


Sex, schmex: The Sex scandals over top 10 closet virgin the year in sports professional athletes By Joe Ciolli Sports Editor In this modern day and age, professional athletes and those associated with them are getting increasingly more serious about achieving the highest level of success. Whether this involves strenuous all-day workouts or yoga classes, pro athletes can often be a model of dedication to their work. But then, when all of that hard work is finished for the day, what else is there for them to do? Some opt to fish, while others would prefer to cuddle up by the fire with a good book. The other 90 percent of those associated with athletics usually choose to spend their free time doing more entertaining things, like participating in sexually deviant activities. For most athletes, “The Da Vinci Code” can wait, because there’s an unlimited amount of sexual energy to explore. Below are several of the year’s most sexually outlandish members and events of the sporting community. Prepare to be shocked, or even offended, by

some of what you read here. But always remember that at the end of the day, who wouldn’t do what these world-class athletes do?

havior policies and stating that he would no longer bend over and let the team have their way. Good choice, Zygi.

The Minnesota Vikings enact their own rendition of “Free Willy” on Lake Minnetonka Last October, the peaceful suburbs of Minneapolis, Minn., were rocked by a scandal involving a “sex boat” cruise attended by 16 Vikings football players. The boat was registered under defensive back Fred Smoot’s name, and other players, including star quarterback Daunte Culpepper and running back Moe Williams, were charged following a police report. Apparently, “live sex acts with toys” were being performed in the middle of the boat’s walkways as confused servers weaved in and out of the heaps of sweaty bodies. Although the incident did not end up causing any major commotion, several players were treated at a local hospital from abrasions caused by anal beads. Team owner Zygi Wilf issued a public statement of apology and addressed the team privately, implementing several new be-

Runner from Zimbabwe experiences extreme gender confusion Samukeliso Sithole of Zimbabwe was recently arrested and charged with competing in women’s track and field events, although tests revealed that he/she was actually 100 percent male. Claiming to have once been a hermaphrodite, Sithole attests to having paid a witch doctor to make her “penis” shrivel up and disappear. When no female organ at all was found, the physicians brought in the world’s foremost expert on female anatomy, Wilt Chamberlain, to make the final call. After chastising Sithole for his(?) tiny penis and flexing his triceps in the mirror for well over 10 minutes, Chamberlain agreed that the runner was in fact a man.

See SCANDALS, page 18

Want better sex? Hit the gym. By Allie Wieczorek Sports Columnist Sex is one those things that means something completely different to each person. For some, it’s an expression of true love. For others, it’s pure animalistic lust. And more often than not, it’s some dysfunctional and complicated combination of the two. But perhaps the most overlooked issue when we talk about sex is the energy, stamina and physical capability it requires. And beyond that, the exercise and weight loss with which it provides us. “Exercise can help burn calories,” said Paola Rijos, health educator for Health Promotions Services in Student Health Services. “Studies claim that individuals can burn from 100-200 calories during intercourse.” Rijos also added that “position, frequency, intensity and duration” are among the many factors affecting the extent of this calorie-burning process.

On the other hand, it is important to assure that sex does not become our excuse to skip the gym that day. “We should keep in mind that sexual activity should not be considered a substitute for exercise since we do not burn as many calories as when jogging, cycling or other types of exercise,” said Rijos. While sex provides us with exercise and physical activity, exercise and physical activity may in turn provide us with better sex. “Sex is a workout, and physically active people are in better shape than those who aren’t, so I think they’d get more out of [sex],” said sophomore soccer player Leigh Heller. “[This is true because] physically active people have the stamina and energy to go longer than those who don’t.” Little did he know, many of these thoughts have actually been scientifically proven. Rijos found many different reasons why an athlete or

an individual who exercises regularly would have a better libido, which would lead to better sex. “An individual whose muscles are toned has higher sexual gratification because orgasms depend on muscle activity,” she said. Rijos added that “exercise increases blood flow to the genital area” and said that this “may increase sexual desire and behavior.” Many studies have also contributed to this theory that athletes have better sex and libido due to heightened self-image. “When an individual exercises, his or her self-esteem increases and he or she tends to feel more confident and engage in more sexual behavior,” said Rijos. Heller, on the other hand, said, “I don’t think [body image] is the X-factor; it’s more so personality than the confidence of your look.” It’s fair to say that most

See EXERCISE, page 15

By Andrei Berman Sports Reporter A common perception exists that athletic stars have tremendous amounts of sex. That perception is most assuredly a correct one. So when the rare athlete makes a statement opposing the sex-crazed culture of professional athletics, it automatically draws headlines. Despite setting the all-time record for most consecutive games played in NBA history, journeyman forward A.C. Green is still better known for his claims about remaining a virgin for the entirety of his playing career. And while A.C. probably didn’t have much company on the road, surely there are some other athletes out there whose vcard remains in their back pocket. Below is a list of professional athletes whom I suspect to be the sports world’s top 10 virgins. 10. Eric Montross. A mid1990s superstar center at the University of North Carolina, this seven-foot goofball surely was plagued by problems of premature ejaculation. If you don’t remember Montross, he resembles a slightly more refi ned version of your eighth cousin Bubba—big, awkward and not smooth. Montross replaces Christian Laetner as my “ACC White Guy Virgin.” Laetner’s obnoxious on-court antics were tell-tale signs of a true virgin, but I suspect certain players (read: playaz) from the 1992 Dream Team, of which Laetner was the only collegiate member, took care of Laetner’s sexual inabilities on that wonderful summer in Barcelona. Honorable Mention for ACC White Guy Virgin: J.J. Reddick. A virgin for most of college, his brilliant poetry was showcased on ESPN last year as he appealed to a graduate student in women’s studies. That student had never heard of Duke basketball, and Reddick felt that she wasn’t just using him for tickets to the next UNC game. 9. Anson Carter. This guy is one of the few African American pro hockey players. He has been trying des-

perately to get laid, but unfortunately, the Czechoslovakian groupies who hang around hockey circles refuse to hook up with a black guy.

sharpshooter would make an oval-type shape. That meant: “You come from a test tube, you little bastard. Now listen to your mother.”

8. Bill Lambier. Known for being the baddest of the Detroit Pistons’ legendary, early 1990s bad boys, Lambier has brought many women back to his hotel suite for post-game exploits. Problem is, he scares them away every time. His fetish for violently screaming at women ultimately led him down the path of becoming a WNBA coach.

4. Dennis Rodman. Not a virgin, but never had conventional sex. Enough said.

7. Jay Fiedler. This guy just never quite fit in. As a quarterback at Dartmouth, Jay was never able to use his athletic ability to woo coeds where brains were sexier than athleticism. Additionally, Jay’s status as a Jew made it impossible for him to crack the upper tier of Dartmouth’s famously-WASPy social scene. Even when he quarterbacked the Miami Dolphins, Jay struggled to attract the ladies. He once almost had sex with an unsuspecting cheerleader who, upon turning the light on, said, “Oh shit, I thought you were Marino.” 6. John Rocker. The former Atlanta Braves pitcher who disgustingly spewed profanities about New Yorkers, minorities, single mothers and gays is too angry and workedup to not be a virgin. Additionally, his homophobic remarks might be a mere front for his own sexual identity. Honorable mention for “Closet Case Virgin”: Karl Malone, who infamously insulted Magic Johnson after fi nding out that he had the AIDS Virus. Karl is also known for driving a 16wheel Mack Truck, perhaps as a way of covering up his own insecurities and small penis size. 5. Jeff Hornacek. Speaking of former members of the Utah Jazz, this ace foul-shooter surely had his kids via artificial insemination. If I recall correctly, he used to have some sign language-esque hand-motion which conveyed different things to his kids watching back home. Allegedly, when he was angry with his children, the lanky Caucasian

3. Nomar Garciaparra. Come to think of it, I had to add in just one more from the closet case category. Nomar’s antics deserve their own mention. I swear every time he steps in the batter’s box, taps his feet 10 times and fi xes his batting gloves eight more, he’s telling himself, “I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m really not gay.” Also, he seems to come down with random groin injuries, perhaps an excuse for his fear that his wife, soccer star Mia Hamm, will absolutely destroy him in the sack. If he isn’t gay, he’s certainly scared to death of making love to Mia. 2. Brandi Chastain. After scoring the game winner in the 1999 Women’s World Cup, Chastain famously ripped off her jersey and fell to her knees as her teammates mobbed her on the field. While she may have accumulated a lot of yellow and red cards since that incident, she hasn’t gotten any v-cards. Every time she is about to have sex, Chastain falls to the floor and (in a completely non-orgasmic manner) starts screaming until the guy tackles her. Since this brings Brandi’s mind back to her famous moment seven years ago, it satisfies her sexually and she is then too tired to engage in sexual intercourse. 1. Mike Tyson. Perhaps the athlete with the least fitting nickname, Iron Mike shows all the tendencies of a virgin: emotional instability, reduction in testosterone level leading to Michael Jackson-esque voice, multiple charges of sexual abuse (sex is a beautiful thing—rape doesn’t count for losing one’s virginity, you sickos) and the list goes on. Additionally, he has a knack for biting and tattooing his face, both of which turn off potential candidates. Honorable Mention for “Bad Nick Names for Athletes who are Virgins”: The Big Unit—Randy Johnson.

The top 10 hottest male athletes of 2006 By Carrie Jarka Sports Reporter Attention, girls of Washington University! Tired of complaining that there are no attractive guys at this school? Looking to put a little spice in your Valentine’s Day? Then look no further! Here are the top 10 hottest male athletes in the world. That’s right, the world. But beware: some of these men will make you want to drop that lame Valentine’s date and travel around the world to become a face-painting, sign-holding woman of questionable morals. Before the countdown, let’s take a look at some of the runners-up that didn’t quite make the cut: David Beckham: Soccer, Manchester United Soccer Club While Beckham defi nitely makes the cut in the hottie department, there are a few factors that keep him from the top 10. At fi rst glance, his ponytail might make a fan confuse him for Brandi Chastain. Also, he married a Spice Girl. While Posh Spice has made countdowns for her own beauty, I still think, “A Spice Girl? Really? Oh, all the other real singers must have been married already.” Tom Brady: Football, New England Patriots Tom Brady is a hottie in a skinny, white boy, box of Wheaties sort of way. However, he will never make a centerfold with just a football covering his happy place when there are others in the NFL that make him look like Bill Gates.

Alex Rodriguez: Baseball, New York Yankees A-Rod is a hottie not only because he could buy all of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, but also because he’s got that cute, “Use Crest Whitestrips” smile. But while he is one of the best third basemen in baseball, he looks as if he spends more time staring at the mirror than Paris Hilton. A-Rod proves that it is possible for a guy to take longer than a supermodel to get ready. But enough of the wannabes (no pun intended to David Beckham)—here are the hotties of 2006 that would make any girl cheat on her significant other if given the chance to be with one of these studs: 10. Gavin Henson: Rugby, Wales Rugby Union This 23-year-old rugby superstar broke onto the scene two years ago as one of the best rugby players, leading his team to a Grand Slam in the Six Nations Championship. This fi nelooking specimen has been featured in GQ and several other magazines, which has lead to rumors of homosexuality. Currently taken by singer Charlotte Church, this Welshman combines a hot accent with the body of Michelangelo’s David. If you have never seen his beautiful countenance, I suggest you stop reading and do a Google search for him immediately. 9. Jeremy Bloom: Freestyle skiing, United States Olympic Team A gold medal favorite in Torino this month, Bloom is the obscure sport hottie of the count-

down. Already selected as one of the Sexiest Men in Sports by Sports Illustrated for Women, Jeremy Bloom originally went to the University of Colorado on a football scholarship. After losing his eligibility for taking money to fi nance his ski training, he finished ninth in the 2002 Salt Lake Olympics in the men’s moguls. The only disappointment is that Jeremy must wear a helmet—but God bless the maker of his skin-tight uniform. I want to sing the praises of spandex. 8. Ian Thorpe: Swimming, Australian Olympic Team While swimmers have some of the best bodies in sports, Ian Thorpe takes it to a whole new level. He is a jaw-dropper not only because of his five Olympic gold medals and 11 World Championship titles, but also because we get the pleasure of seeing him in a Speedo. Nicknamed the “Thorpedo,” this

swimmer is an international success at only 23 years old and is a defi nite piece of pool perfection. 7. JJ Redick: NCAA Basketball, Duke University With this selection, I will elate half of college basketball fans and enrage the other half. However, any woman who watches college basketball, or even those who don’t, will see that J.J. Reddick is a college basketball stud with a body to match. Filling out for his senior season, Redick gets the young hottie award on the countdown. With 28.3 points per game, he may not be the best all-around player in college basketball, but he is defi nitely pretty to look at. 6. Tiger Woods: Golf, PGA Tour Ah, Tiger. This preppy PGA powerhouse is one of the best golfers of all time. He singlehandedly changed golf from a rich, elderly, white man’s game into a sport for everyone. His


U.S. Olympic Freestyle Skier Jeremy Bloom is one of the sexiest male athletes of 2006. Look at those big chestnut eyes and face sculpted by angels and tell me he’s not en fuego.

passion on the links can only be topped by his cute little smile when he receives yet another trophy. Tiger, with his own Nike endorsement deal and a net worth that is more than the University’s endowment, would make any girl want to take a swing on the golf links. 5. Andy Roddick: Tennis, ATP Andy Roddick is love, and that’s not just tennis lingo. The only thing more disappointing than rumors that Roddick and Maria Sharapova are dating is a bag of dead kittens for sale in an Asian market. Seriously, that’s about it. With 20 singles titles in his career, Roddick has accumulated over $9.5 million in prize money in just five short years. This tennis hottie serves it up at blazing speeds and is a heart-stopper with women worldwide. 4. Michael Owen: Soccer, Newcastle United Soccer Club Owen’s nickname “Boy Wonder” comes from more than just his soccer skills. The European Footballer of the Year in 2001 is married to his primary school sweetheart, but his gorgeous face can be shared with all. Michael Owen is the inspiration for any woman to recreate the Nike Shox commercial featuring a streaker disrupting a soccer match. On and off the field, this soccer hottie is an incredible score. 3. Jason Taylor: Football, Miami Dolphins This defensive end has earned three Pro Bowl selections and makes me jealous of every running back he tackles. New rule: no other man in Miami is allowed to be on the beach when Jason Taylor is sunbathing (guys, it’s for your own good

anyway). Taylor would probably sell out a stadium of women watching him run sprints sans shirt. He brings to mind the immortal words of Will Smith: “Welcome to Miami.” He is even enough to make me cheer for the Dolphins. 2. Jose Theodore: Hockey, Montreal Canadiens Unbeknownst to the fans, the true cause of the hockey lockout last season was the lack of attractive men with a full set of teeth. Jose Theodore and his pearly whites compensate for the rest of the NHL. Theodore looks much better with the short hair, but fancy stickhandling earned him the Hart Memorial Trophy in 2001 for the player most valuable to his team. The tall, dark and handsome pretty boy of hockey, Jose Theodore is not just the hottie in Canada, eh? 1. Albert Pujols: Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals I have to go with my hometown hottie for this countdown, but after looking at his picture, who can argue with me? The National League MVP in 2005 (fi nally), Pujols has put up landmark numbers in his fi rst five seasons and is poised to set career records by the time he retires. Pujols is one of the most humble men in baseball, choosing to spend free time with his family or working with Pujols Family Foundation dedicated to helping kids with Down Syndrome. An all-around great guy, Albert Pujols is the top hottie of 2006 because of his sex appeal and heart-melting kindness. He may wear number five, but he’s number one on the countdown and in the hearts of female Cardinal fans everywhere.

Senior Sports Editor / Justin Davidson /





Men’s Basketball



What is it that makes the volleyball team so hot? Maybe it’s their fit bodies in their skintight uniforms. Or maybe it’s the fact that they enjoy making frequent trips to the men’s locker room to stir a little something up and get the guys’ fires burning.

Junior Jonathan Breshears poses in this position before games to intimidate opponents with his face-melting muscular physique and threat of crushing their faces to smithereens.

Men’s Swimming


The golden boys of the water enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and melting hearts with their chiseled bodies and sultry poses.

Men’s Basketball


You know what they say about guys with big shoes...big socks.


Calvin Klein’s next centerfolds are proud swimmers for Washington University. Those fiery eyes burn their competition—and the ladies—daily.

Women’s Basketball


Who needs to wear shorts when you’re on the women’s basketball squad? Not these lovely ladies.


Senior Sports Editor / Justin Davidson /


20,000 girls under the Dipper v On the logistics of Wilt Chamberlain having sex with 20,000 women By Scott Kaufman-Ross Sports Reporter Just a few weeks ago when Kobe Bryant dropped 81 points in one game, people began to relive Wilt Chamberlain’s incredible accomplishment. Playing in Hershey, Pa., Wilt scored 100 points in a victory over the Knicks on March 2, 1962. It is an achievement many believe is unbreakable, as no one else besides Wilt had even scored 75 before Kobe. However, as great a feat as it may be, 100 points is not the most incredible number associated with the seven-footer. In his autobiography, Wilt claims to have had sexual intercourse with approximately 20,000 women. In today’s society, a man who sleeps with a lot of girls

istic, you have to imagine Wilt had more trouble getting girls in the sack in his younger and older years. For argument’s sake, let’s argue that a man’s sexual peak is from ages 1940, and let’s estimate that Wilt slept with 90 percent of the women during that span. After an easy calculation, that works out to about 2.34 women per day, or 857 per year. Let’s also estimate that the average non-college student sleeps eight hours per day, leaving 16 hours for work and play. If Wilt spends even half his waking hours playing basketball or working out, eight hours are left for leisure. Assuming the previous, during his peak, Wilt would have slept with a different woman every three and a half hours for 21 years straight. Wilt, a

is nicknamed a “pimp” or a “player” but Wilt’s number is so high it makes the Fonz look like A.C. Green (who is a virgin by choice). Wilt was nicknamed “The Big Dipper” so it is only appropriate to name his member “The Little Dipper.” Although probably far from little, it can be argued that this little guy scored more often than Wilt did. Considering Wilt scored 31,419 points in his 14-year career, that’s quite a resume for his little friend. In order to try and grasp the insane largeness of this number, let’s break it down a little. The most common statistic reported is that from the time he was 15 until his death at the age of 63, Wilt slept with approximately 1.2 women per day. However, to be more real-

man of obvious experience, could probably last a good hour or so per encounter. That means he is having sex for about two and a half hours per day—almost a third of his leisure time. Now that is the type of stamina even porn stars dream about. Although our campus may not be the most sexually active in the nation, it’s still college. But when I hear that a guy had sex with 10 different girls over a course of a summer, it seems like a ton. Our summer break is about 14 weeks long, and over that period Wilt would have taken care of business with 230 women, and again for 21 years straight. Furthermore, the University has about 6,000 undergraduates, of which about half are women. Dividing up

into classes, there are about 750 girls per class each year. 20,000 means that Wilt would have had sex with every girl that attended the University for the next 26 years. Wilt was never embarrassed about this claim, nor does he believe it to be bragging. “I’m not boasting,” he wrote, “I don’t see all this lovemaking as any kind of conquest; all I’m saying is that I like women, people are curious about my sex life, and to most people the number of women who have come and gone through my bedrooms (and various hotel rooms around the country) would boggle the mind.” Although his talent as a player was never in question, Wilt took a lot of criticism from the black community. People like tennis great Arthur Ashe

believed that he reinforced the negative stereotypes placed on African-American men and their sex lives. Whether or not this is true, Wilt deserves some praise for this number, but also some condemnation. Although he asserts he never had sex with a married woman, this type of lifestyle crosses the lines of what even a reckless “pimp” deems acceptable. Wilt proved that he was scorer on and off the court, averaging 30 points per game and 36 girls per month throughout his career. Wilt’s little black book might as well be a big yellow book. Just remember, if you think your number is pretty high— square it, then square it again, and you might just be in Wilt’s league.


Now, all your incoming calls can be free.

Prep baseball coach proves he’s nuts, flashes dong to players The baseball coach at Gulliver Preparatory in Miami, Fla., was fired recently after he exposed himself to his players following a loss. According to observers, Lazer Callazo was so furious over his team’s play that he dropped his trousers in front of his players, whipped out his penis and accused his team of not having the balls to play baseball. If Callazo seems a bit intense for a baseball coach, imagine what kind of skin he might flash if he was, say, a boxing manager. I think they have DVDs of it at the local XXX video store…third row, back wall. LPGA golfer uses caddie for club selection tips, sperm This past year, Gary Robinson, the former caddie of LPGA member Jackie Gallagher-Smith, filed a lawsuit against the golfer for allegedly using him for his sperm. The two allegedly had unprotected sexual relations on several occasions, during which Gallagher-Smith expressed concern over conceiving a child in her marriage. Either way, Robinson should be ashamed for putting himself in this position. After all, with all of the empty club head covers lying around and his understanding of flight trajectories, you would think Robinson would have sacrificed the hole-in-one for safe semen disposal.

(Even the 5 calls from your girlfriend in the last 20 minutes.)

Carolina Panthers cheerleaders involved in public sex, bar brawl Late last year, Angela E. Keathley and Renee Thomas, both cheerleaders for the Carolina Panthers, were cited for their role in a bar brawl in Tampa, Fla. It was later revealed that the two women were belligerently drunk and having sex with each other in a bathroom stall. When a third patron became fed up with waiting to tinkle, she confronted the mischievous duo, who started throwing haymakers. The rest is history and alone-time material for middle school kids around the country. On a side note, Vikings defensive back Fred Smoot has already been in contact with the women regarding next season’s sex boat, encouraging them to think outside the box.

Now, when people are wasting your time, they’re not wasting your money.

It’s definitely been a good year in the world of sex and sports, and we can only wait to see what 2006 brings us.


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1-5 issues: 50¢Rates per word, per issue Line Ad FREE Classifieds 6-9 issues: 40¢Rates per word, per issue Line Ad FREE Classifieds Classifi cations Classifications 10+ issues: 30¢ Classifications Classifications Classifications Classificationsper word, per issue

Help Wanted For Rent Roommates Sublet Real Estate For Sale Automotive

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There is a 15-word minimum charge on all classified ads. The first three words (max. one line) are bold and capitalized. All ads will appear on at no additional charge.

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ARTIST NEEDED: $500 AWARD for Campus Y’s Giving Tree design--please contact us at 935-5010, campusy @ campusy.wustl .edu or stop by Campus Y. Designs due February 17, 2006.

Please check your ad carefully on the first day of publication and notify Student Life of any errors. We will only be responsible for the first day’s incorrect insertion.

ENGLISH TUTOR. For 7 yr. old. WashU students preferred. Need native English speaker that knows some Chinese. Please email



MAD SCIENCE INSTRUCORS: Enthusiastic instructors needed to teach part-time (after school, one to five days per week), fun, hands-on science programs in elementary schools. Must have transportation. $25.00 - $27.50 per one hour class. Call 314-991-8000 for more information.

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START AT $70 FOR a 5hour event! Promote brands by distributing samples/brochures and/or demonstrating products to consumers. Premier in store Promotions Company and authorized agency of Mass Connections, Inc. has a great opportunities in Various Missouri cities. Positions available are parttime, mostly weekends, and typically 5 hours. For more information and to apply online, visit www.eventsan

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PART-TIME WORK $12 BASE/APPT. Flexible sched., customer sales/service, may continue in spring or secure summer work, all ages 18+, 314-997-7873. PLAY SPORTS! HAVE fun! Save money! Maine camp needs fun loving counselors to teach all land, adventure & water sports. Great summer! Call 888844-8080, to apply, visit

2 BEDROOMS AVAILABLE on Lindell near Casa dilla. Living room, kitchen, 1.5 bathrooms, washer and dryer, storage, partly furnished, 2 WashU roomates. Larger room $270 per month, smaller $255 per month plus utilities. Beginning May 15th though May 2007. Please contact if interested.

FOR RENT: LUXURY 1 and 2 bedroom apartment homes located in the Central West End, The Residences at Forest Park. Call us today at (314) 367-3300 for your personal tour!

BEAUTIFUL, FULLY FURNISHED (even TV and stereo) one bedroom at the Chase Park Plaza which has a five screen movie theater, St. Louis Workout, bars, restaurants, pool, salon, garage, hotel and more! All utilities, including air conditioning, high speed internet access, cable, and even gym membership are included. Available mid-May through mid-August. Please email if interested. CLAYTON, U. CITY LOOP, CWE and Dogtown. Beautiful studios, 1, 2 bedrooms. Quiet buildings. $365-$750. Call 725-5757.

4907 WEST PINE APARTMENTS $550 monthly, utilities paid. Call Sid 314304-3747 SINGLE FAMILY HOME for rent. Completely updated in 2003. 4 bedroom/2 bathroom with 1,400+ square feet of space. Hardwood floors. Washer and dryer in basement. Just blocks from Washington University, Loop and Schnucks. $1,300/mo. 6833 Bartmer Ave. Great landlord, available in June. Call Chris at 314-322-4936 if interested.

CLEANING UP BOOKSHELF. Texts for Math 217, ESE 230, Econ 401, Calc 3, ESE 260M, BME 140. Email FUTON FOR SALE. Asking price: $100. Futon is in excellent condition, wood frame, only 3 years old, pictures sent upon request. Please contact if interested.

work. rent. buy. sell. classifieds

314.935.6713 • Sudoku

By Michael Mepham Level: Gentle Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit

Solution to Friday’s puzzle

© 2006 Michael Mepham. Distributed by Tribune Media Services. All rights reserved.


OVER 500 VHS MOVIES For Sale! South 40 video selling entire collection. Recent movies, orginal box. $2 ea. Bulk discount.

AUTOS 2004 NISSAN 350Z ONLY 7500 MILES. Very flexible, lease, buy, option-to-buy. Loaded with Bose sound system and Sport Package, also includes Safety Package. Original sticker price was over $35,000. contact or 314.494.0962. Don’t wait!

TYPING AND TRANSCRIPTION services ( Expertise in all academic formats. Specializing in qualitative research transcription. Over 30 years experience. Rush jobs welcome! Contact Karen (314-732-0000 or karen @workinprogressllc. com). Conveniently located in CWE.

Dea Dead Deadl

GRANTS FOR SUMMER 2006 Study in Israel. Five $1000 Dorot travel grants. Apply by March 30. Office of International and Area Studies. 935-5958.

GIRL WITH WORD fetish seeks boy with large dictionary. For more information, please email

GRANTS FOR SUMMER 2006 Study in Israel. Two $2500 Jewish Federation Fellowships for Tel Megiddo expedition/field school. Apply by February 28. Office of International and Area Studies. 935-5958.

REWARD FOR LOST manservant: 6’2”; brown eyes/hair; responds to “worm”; last seen wearing leather jump suit and nip. clamps. If found, please e-mail WashUFetish

READ STUDENTL LIFE online! Read your favorite Student Life sections from anywhere! You can check out all your favorite sections, including News, Forum, Cadenza, Sports, and more, 24/7 by visiting

VERBALLY ABRASIVE DOMME seeks acquiescent pedicurist. I will walk all over you. Experience is a must. E-mail WashUFetishes@ for interview.


ADVERTISE FOR FREE! Washinton University students, faculty, and staff can place free classified ads under most classifications. Simply email your ad to classifieds @ The advertisement will run free of charge for up to six issues. 30 word limit.


LOOKING FOR LOVE? Lonely this Valentine’s Day? Run your free personal in Student Life. Washington University students, staff and faculty can place personals in Student Life. Email your advertisemen to classifieds @ Your advertisement will run free of charge for up to six issues. Thirty word limit, please.

Pay Paym Paym


Senior Sports Editor / Justin Davidson /


SPORTSMen’s Soccer

The men’s soccer team guards their balls with a firm grip, polishing them like trophies.


WU Sports Centerfold Men’s Ultimate


The men’s ultimate frisbee team actually practices in the nude to build team cohesiveness, trust and sex appeal. Sophomore Charlie Gronek and juniors Brian Stowe and Stan Parker have no qualms licking an oversized lollipop and mooning Bear’s Den while straddling senior Ian Orland. Thank goodness for those god-sent frisbees...

Women’s Tennis


Don’t you dare try to take away the women’s tennis team’s balls—not unless you desire death. Their sexy red skirts and cute smiles fool all their opponents—who wouldn’t like to be one of their ballboys?

See page 17 for more sexy Bear athletes

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02-13-06 copy  

Sophomore Architecture student Claudia Bode does a sub-zero “walk of shame” on a windy Sunday afternoon for Student Life’s Valentine’s Day S...