Miracle Drug Solves Everything The need to worry (or panic) is over
Genetic scientists announced today that they have solved all the world’s problems. The news was released this morning by Secretary of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she triumphantly addressed a hushed White House press conference. She declared that, “the need for anyone to illegally doubt this government ever again is well and truly over thanks to the latest miracle breakthrough by researchers at the top secret Frankenstein Institute in Apocalypse, Missouri.” A $4000 billion four-year research programme designed to find a solution to problems of over-population and make the shareholders of the Frankenstein Institute very rich has come up with the answer to over-population. It is an answer so complete and fool-proof and without any known side-effects or consequences whatsoever that the government or the pharmaceutical industry need worry about that anyone who writes sarcastic or scathing Facebook posts about it it will immediately be arrested by an elite squad of Green Berets, locked up in a psychiatric institution and have their brain rewired with drugs. To those of you who insist that such treatment is a tad harsh, she said, “We can only say that no, it isn’t. In any case, harbouring doubts about your democratically elected dictatorship is now illegal. And to those who insist that people have constitutional rights, we can only remind you that, no you don’t. The Constitution was abolished last Tuesday by the Democratic Committee for the Abolition of the Constitution when it was proved beyond doubt by a press release from the office of the President that its content was largely seditious and ran contrary to the inalienable right of multinational corporations to be unsconstitutional and/or wreck the planet. There will probably be a press release announcing this minor constitutional adjustment next year.”
The President himself, speaking at the launch of the National Big Brother competition - in which the lives of all citizens will be secretly televised to an audience of Homeland Security specialists - took pause to congratulate the Frankenstein Institute for its “sterling work.” President Stalin, the world’s first cloned President genetically engineered to have no conscience, remorse or common sense, went on to say: “To those who have asserted that the answer to the chaos and inefficiency that has made an under-populated and scarcely developed plant appear overcrowded is to run things better and stop being stupid, we say there is no need to go to such extraordinary lengths when we have at our disposal the means to tinker recklessly with genes.” And he added, “the Frankensteins have shown us the way forward. The answer to a world that appears small is to make human beings even smaller!” The technological means to achieve the age-old goal of making human beings very small comes in the form of the “Lilliput Drug.” Scientists noted that human beings, especially in America, have been getting larger and larger and predicted that by the year 2100 the average American male will be over 20 feet tall and almost as wide and weigh approximately three tons. The strain on the Earth’s resources of increasingly large human bodies is obvious: larger bodies eat more food and drink more essential nutrients such as coffee and alcohol, require larger doses of drugs (or bullets) to sedate or kill them, need bigger cars and houses, use more toilet paper, take up more room and so on. The answer to the problem is obvious: make human beings smaller. If generation by generation human beings could be genetically engineered to be progressively smaller in size, arriving over time at what is believed to be the ideal size for a human being – roughly four inches in height and five pounds in weight – massive savings will be made on the consumption of the Earth’s resources.
At those ideal dimensions, it has been calculated that the entire population of the planet could live comfortably on the Isle of Wight and be fed by the agricultural output of New Jersey or Angola. In other words, as the size of human beings shrinks, the world will, from our perspective, seem to grow larger and larger until it corresponds with the relative size of Jupiter. This will give everyone a lot more elbow room. There would be an added benefit in that labour will be a lot more comfortable for mothers giving birth to children who with each generation are roughly half the size of the previous generation. This dream has now become achievable with the development of the Lilliput Pill. The pill was extensively tested on elephants at the New York City Zoo and the results of those experiments will soon be on display to the public as soon as the so-called “Lilliput Elephants� can be coaxed out from under the sofa in the manager’s office. The new wonder drug, which has to be taken daily from birth until old age or compulsory sterilisation (whichever is the sooner) will soon be tested on humans by making it available on prescription or over the counter at drug stores. Next year, consumption of the Lilliput Drug will be made compulsory for all citizens and those who decline gently persuaded to see the error of their ways by being locked up without trial. The government insists that this measure is not undemocratic as it merely weeds out those who disagree with the government, a measure which any person in his right mind and not a terrorist sympathiser must agree with. Those necessarily exempt for the new compulsory shrinkage will be, among others, the owners of multinational corporations, government officials, the military and the police. All these will be permitted to retain their current size. It is thus believed that when all other people are four inches or less in height, it will be easier for the forces of law and order to stamp out dissent and/or terrorism. Literally. And thus save on the cost of bullets.
The only known, mild side effects anyone need worry about, apart from being trodden on by government officials, will be being chased by cats or carried off by starlings. Related News “Human Shrinkage plans do not go far enough,” says controversial group. The UK-based “Miniscule Society, an extremist offshoot of the AMF, the American Mini-me Federation, today poured scorn on the government’s plans to reduce humans to four inches in height. Posting on Facebook just before he was arrested by a nine hundred strong force of FBI agents backed up by tanks and surface-to-surface missiles, a spokesperson for the group accused the government of a conspiracy to deny people their inalienable rights to be very tiny indeed. Claiming that if human beings were reduced to the height of one millimetre the entire population the world could live in a single fallout shelter and consume just one tin of beans per day......”[continued on page 1187]