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The Daily Scare

“Terror Threat Over� says President The President announced today that the terrorist threat to democracy and liberty has officially ended. Looking ebullient after a successful meeting with his seniors at MIC (Military-Industrial Complex) in which plans were laid to bring lasting peace to the Middle East by invading it in August, the President addressed a White House press conference and hailed complete victory over the forces of global terrorism. He went on to read out the following prepared statement: Our strategy for defeating terrorism has been a complete success. People need no longer be concerned about the possibility of the massive global terror army of nearly three hundred fanatical activists high on psychiatric medications bringing down our cherished institutions of justice and democracy. As you know, our beloved way of life and its institutions and traditions which we....er, cherish, have long been thinly but heroically defended. The desperate rearguard action of a mere 500 000 armed peace operatives and a meagre 14 million tons of high explosives, twenty nine peace-loving aircraft carriers, 20 000 fighter jets (for defence and peacekeeping purposes only) 12 000 drones (designed to kill only guilty people) 3 000 cruise missiles (designed to fly down the chimneys of people up to no good) and a nuclear arsenal (designed to wipe out only people who do not have fallout shelters and three-hundred-year supplies of tinned food) has barely been able to hold back the barbarian, sandalwearing hordes massing on our borders. For some time, we have faced the prospect of being invaded, occupied and forced into slavery at any moment by the overpowering might of the North Korean or Iranian Empires. Only the unavoidable suspension of all human rights, a resolute policy of not telling anyone the truth and the


confiscation of cupcakes on domestic flights, have managed to stave off the inevitable. But a new, cunning strategy, for which I take all the credit and none of the blame, has completely out-foxed the terrorist hordes. This has enabled once and for all the relentless attacks upon freedom, democracy, justice and traditional, Christian values to end, because we have scrapped them altogether. The enemy, for no apparent reason, and through no fault of ours in so far as we never did anybody any wrong, spends every waking moment plotting the overthrow of democracy and the undermining of its institutions and values, which we in the corridors and covens of power all, of course, sincerely cherish almost to the point of not spitting on them. His sole objective has been to remove everything we stand for - such as...er, democracy, freedom and justice - from the face of the planet and not, as you might have been led to believe, trying to stop us knocking his country about or walking off with its natural resources. This cunning move will convince the terrorists that they have achieved their objectives and won. Thus we can fool them into thinking that all they now have to do is wait for Western people to get well and truly cheesed off with being mucked about and taken for complete suckers, whereupon they will tear down their own governments. But here they have miscalculated, mistakenly believing that people of the West will not wholeheartedly support mild inconveniences like having their constitutional rights cancelled, being forced to take drugs or becoming the slaves of giant corporations. The people of America and her client states such as Britain appreciate, moreover, the value of other, equally small sacrifices such as being implanted with micro chips for administrative purposes, having the atmosphere replaced by carbon monoxide, living in cardboard boxes or being at war with everybody forever. They know that these things are vital to the maintenance of democracy, peace and freedom. Here too, we have outwitted the terrorists completely by guaranteeing to the people of the West that they will have no say in the matter in any


case. It is a say that, we can assure you, most people do not want. They wisely prefer to leave important decisions about everything to politicians, industrialists, psychiatrists and other people of impeccable repute, thus leaving them free to watch America’s Got Talent or pick at the scabs of their quiet desperations in peace. Besides, with the ending of the war on terror we will have at our disposal an army of half a million men (and women) highly experienced in urban warfare and the demolition of small communities who can then be redeployed to protecting democracy on the home front, if you get my drift..... Of course, while we have cancelled a few luxuries like democracy and justice so as to ensure that they cannot be attacked, other values and traditions so vital to the maintenance of our way of life will remain inviolate, and perhaps even more cherished than they were before. So there is no need for anyone to worry. The use of deadly humanitarian force, for instance, so successful in maintaining peace and freedom for people throughout Capitol Hill and other high crime areas, will continue abroad. Having been thoroughly tested in laboratory conditions such as Basra and Kabul, and found to have very few side effects except the death of people who would eventually die in any case, it will be introduced on the home front in the case of serious offences against all that is holy and decent, such as producing organic milk, sitting down in the street or refusing to be injected with deadly chemicals. The tradition of invading everybody will continue as before. But of course this will be limited only to rogue states who do not share our high values vis a vis our unique right to beat everybody else up or which seek to undermine our economy by refusing to let us have their natural resources at knock-down prices. All of you will be given the democratic opportunity to join in and sacrifice your sons and daughters in a truly equal-opportunities tradition and several more rogue states have been shortlisted to receive the benefits of democracy, such as Iran, Iceland, Oregon and The Vatican. Likewise, although the War on Terror has been ended by our decision to embrace terror entirely, other traditional wars will continue until


unconditional surrender has been achieved. These include the War on Organic Farming, the War on Not Drugging People, the War on Information, the War on Health and the War on Public Opinion. I should also point out that, really, Justice has not so much been cancelled as streamlined. We have simply done away with the complexity and inconvenience of providing evidence and the right of all kinds of riffraff to be represented and argue the toss. In an effort to fasttrack a guilty verdict, we have replaced these with a more efficient system in which judicial matters will be decided upon by myself and a few close advisors renowned by me for their fairness, restraint, good judgement and reluctance to harm the innocent unless they really probably deserve it. Sentencing will be carried out by the armed drones that have been so successful in exterminating wedding parties and bus queues and other enemies of freedom the world over. On the matter of armed drones, I wish to reassure the people of America and all the far-flung dominions of the Empire of Democracy that they are programmed to be fair and clinical and not kill too many innocent bystanders, targeting as they do only people I say are guilty of something or other. The recent case in England, in which one of our drones blew a circuit and chased a Morris Minor for thirty miles along the M6 in Staffordshire before strafing Milton Keynes, killing 1300 suspected insurgents disguised as innocent bystanders, is nothing to worry about. We are at war after all and in war, with the defence of justice of paramount importance, such minor errors sometimes occur. Of overriding importance is that the drones have been thoroughly tried and tested and new, cost effective applications for them discovered, such as traffic duty, the collection of parking fines and crowd control at public demonstrations, farmers’ markets, family gatherings and other hotbeds of sedition. There are those who argue that these slight modifications and improvements to democracy have rendered us indistinguishable from many of the ruthless dictatorships and terrorist organisations we have armed, supported and fought over the years.


This is quite simply untrue because they are the Bad Guys and we are the Good Guys. In such godless organisations, rule is usually by a single megalomaniac or faceless group of fanatics, whereas our democracy is in the safe hands of a small group of benign bankers and industrialists, all members of such reputable groups as the Bilderbergers and Freemasons, and all by natural selection genetically qualified to tell everybody else what to do and when to do it but whose names, sadly, must be withheld for security reasons. The enemy lies and engages in propaganda, whereas as we in the more enlightened West have an impartial media that never lies or manipulates facts except in dire emergencies such as a direct threat to profits or the need to lie. The enemy is usually motivated by fanaticism sprung from religious belief or some obsessive aversion to being invaded, whereas we have no beliefs beyond our god-given aversion to not being rich and our deeprooted allegiance to the principles of eugenics and the dream of a planet devoid of riffraff and hoi polloi. The enemy blows people up and shoots civilians so as to get his own way, whereas we only do it when absolutely necessary or when enforcing our will upon people who insist, viciously, on having ideas of their own. Let’s face it, it is all very well people having their own ideas but this does not give them the right to act on them, or even think them. If everybody simply lived as he pleased, the world would be a hellhole with anarchy, killing and fresh vegetables everywhere, instead of the peace and good order our policies have been so successful in establishing the world over. The enemy straps high explosive to its soldiers, quite amateurishly, using duct tape in order to deliver a deadly payload to its target, whereas we strap the high explosives to shiny cruise missiles, drones and properly uniformed soldiers tastefully kitted out to look like the storm troopers in Star Wars. The enemy drugs his crazed fanatics in order to make them better soldiers. We only drug our troops when they get fed up with and/or slightly unhinged by killing people we point them at and/or being hated by the very people they are trying to help by running tanks over them.


The enemy does not hold elections or give ordinary people a say in the formulation of his policies, whereas we hold elections all the time, giving all citizens the right to have a say in the running of our affairs. It is not our fault if the ordinary citizen doesn’t really understand politics or economics or the needs of democracy and so often, sadly, has to be completely ignored. The enemy kills by edict and decree, eliminating anyone he does not like or approve of, whereas we only do this when we are at war and the beneficiaries of our justice system truly deserve it and in so doing we are even-handed, making no distinction between people we like and people we don’t like. The enemy is foreign and lives in countries that are not very important and very often, such is his arrogance, does not speak English. To make matters worse, he espouses religious beliefs we do not understand and which we, therefore, do not approve of. In closing then, I am happy to report to the citizens of the People’s Republic of America and its trans-Atlantic lapdog, Britain, that your troubles are over and the need for you to worry your little heads about terrorism or indeed how to make it through the next few years completely whole in body and mind, is at an end. You can leave all the worrying to me. Trust me.”

Terror Threat Over  

A satirical article by Stephen Cook

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