The Belfield Banter vol. 14.5: April Fool's Day

April 1st, 2021

Vol. 14

BELFIELD BANTER

THE

Th e S t . Anne ’s -B el fi el d S choo l S tud en t New s l etter

In This Issue:

Megamind: UNRECOGNIZED QUEER MASTERPIECE PSA: NEW CHAPEL DRESS STANDARDS STUDY DISCOVERS ZOOM BREAKOUT ROOMS ARE SILENT (REASONS UNCLEAR) THE ADVANTAGES OF ONLINE SCHOOL MUSIC REVIEWS: Driver’s License Don’t Start Now BIG SUR GONE SOUTH: SOFTWARE UPDATE HORROR STORY FACULTY FEATURE: SAINT BERNARD

MEGAMIND IS BI AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND

by Hannah Slayton — As a reader of The Belfield Banter, I am sure that you have your ever-so-sophisticated finger directly on the pulse of pop culture. You understand the importance of LGBTQ+ cinema and can probably name some essential films in that category. Cute. But if I asked you what the most important queer film of all time was,

you’d be reduced to a mindless grease spot on the ground, quivering in my wake. Sure, you could probably reel off a list of films from Strangers on a Train to Love, Simon in hopes of impressing me, but I’ve seen them all, and you know what? Not a single one compares to Tom McGrath’s Megamind.

“But Hannah!” you exclaim, “What about Carol?

Lawrence of Arabia? But I’m a Cheerleader? And isn’t Tom McGrath best known for his role as the bossy penguin in Penguins of Madagascar? This doesn’t sound all that promising.” I have to laugh.

“Shut up, Elli--I mean Belfield Banter reader,” I cry, “Until you’ve seen Megamind, you know nothing about queer cinema.”

The 2010 movie Megamind has received a lot of praise for its inversion of a multitude of superhero tropes. From its villain-to-good-guy plot arc to the superhero who doesn’t want to be super anymore, Megamind does a lot of things that other movies were afraid to do before its arrival onto the silver screen. However, one of the most interesting yet least recognized inversions in Megamind is its reversal of the queercoded villain stereotype.

Allow me to explain. In many movies, especially animated ones, the villain is depicted in a specific manner that signifies queerness. Ursula from The Little Mermaid was directly based on popular drag queen Divine, and Scar’s flamboyant way of speaking and effeminate physicality also brings to mind some offensive stereotypes concerning gay men, especially when juxtaposed with the overt masculinity of Mufasa in the same movie. So, animated films have a long history of queercoding their villains in order to make them seem “bad.” What m-

“Until you’ve seen Megamind, you know nothing about queer cinema.” [cont p2]

April 1st, 2021

akes Megamind so revolutionary is that even though the character of Megamind is clearly queercoded, Megamind also becomes the hero of the story without getting rid of those traits in himself. The inherent queerness of Megamind becomes something that is celebrated and cool, rather than ugly and evil.

During my in-depth examination of the movie, I found myself shocked by how obviously Megamind’s character seemed queercoded. From his attention to style illustrated by outfits bedazzled with spikes, leather, and latex, to his obvious flair for the dramatic and propensity to wear makeup into battle, it is clear that Megamind is intended to be the effeminate foil to the overtly masculine and heterosexual superhero, Metroman.

However, where with characters like Ursula and Scar, these traits are portrayed as elements of evil, the movie Megamind simply uses them as elements of Megamind’s character, consistent throughout the film even as Megamind shifts from the role of villain to that of hero. The queer elements of Megamind’s character are not treated as something to be fixed or degraded, they are instead integral parts of our protagonist.

Megamind’s flair for the dramatic remains throughout the entirety of the movie, even once he decides to save Metrocity instead of destroying it. As Guns ‘n Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle” plays behind him, Megamind saves Metrocity from the new villain, Titan, using the same pizzazz with which he committed acts of villainy in the first act of the movie. He says as he does so, “The difference between a villain and a supervillain is presentation,” thus giving homage to the importance of presentation in queer narratives. At the end of the film, when Megamind is revealed as the new superhero and protector of Metrocity, his superhero outfit remains consistent with the outfits he wore as a villain: black latex bodysuit, spiked leather gloves, platform shoes, and a high collar. The point of the movie is that Megamind does not transform into a new Metroman, someone masculine and strong. He is still Megamind, queercoding and all, yet he is now a superhero instead of a supervillain. He doesn’t need to get rid of the style that makes him an interesting character to become a good person. Beat that, Call Me By Your Name.

Vol. 14

PSA: NEW CHAPEL DRESS STANDARDS I

MEDIEVAL CHAINMAIL FOR ALL

by Ellie Powell The Belfield Banter has just received word of a recent development within the St. Anne’s-Belfield School community: instead of bringing back traditional chapel dress standards next year, all students will be required to wear medieval chainmail on Wednesdays. While chapel once seemed like the perfect opportunity to show off one’s personal style with colorful dresses, patterned neckties, and more, these new rules will make sure everyone feels comfortable and confident in their clothes while watching classmates pour their hearts out on stage. Rules about what may be appropriate for men and women to wear respectively can be exclusive, and are notoriously difficult to enforce. However, there are no grey areas with a head-to-toe suit of gender-neutral chainmail: you’re either wearing it, or you’re breaking the rules.

“Wednesday chapel dress has always presented students with the opportunity to look their best without the annoyances of a uniform,” said an unnamed administrator, “I see no reason why this shouldn’t be the case next year, too.” Wow! A true vote of confidence for STAB’s upcoming medieval moment. Though some parents quickly became concerned that the chainmail would be too heavy for students to carry throughout the school day, the athletics department insists that the weight of the armor will merely bulk up students ahead of practice. “Chainmail Chapel Days,” as they have been branded, will not only be beneficial to the physical health of our student body, but to our students’ academic abilities, as well. Researchers claim that there is no better training for the distractions one will inevitably face during the SAT than hearing the rattling of a thousand chains as students shift in their seats during a Harkness discussion.

Perhaps more than anything, Chainmail Chapel Days will knit our community closer together.

In previous years, there has been no sense of the same cohesion one finds in a uniform on Wednesdays. The styles of dress vary widely and the color palettes are all over the place--it’s a veritable nightmare for any artists in the room.

With chainmail, however, students will be able to express themselves only through their family crest, which they may carry on a shield if they would like. In this same spirit of community, when a student forgets their chainmail, their peers must gather around them in a huddle during break shouting, “Serf! Serf! Serf!” until [cont p3]

April 1st, 2021

a parent can drop by and bring them their armor.

“Originally,” said an anonymous faculty member, “Letting students wear non-uniform clothing on chapel days was supposed to teach them how to dress during important occasions in the real world. However, by allowing students to humiliate their peers for not bringing medieval chainmail to school, I think we’re teaching them a far more important lesson.” This faculty member could not be reached to comment upon what this lesson was, exactly, but we trust that students will internalize it.

If you’re looking to buy chainmail for yourself or your child, look no further than our school consignment sale, where you can buy a full outfit of battle-ready armor for half the price of a new STAB sweatshirt!

STUDY DISCOVERS THAT ZOOM BREAKOUT ROOMS ARE SILENT. REASON UNCLEAR.

by Emma Finley-Gillis — With the worldwide shutdown last March, schools around the world pivoted swiftly to online learning.

The previously unheard of digital video conferencing program known as Zoom came into the spotlight, providing new ways for teachers to connect with and guide their students, including a plethora of features which have the potential to completely reinvent the way that society functions. For instance, the ability to turn oneself into a potato with eyes and a comically large mouth has been found to boost productivity and focus, especially in middle and high school math classes. Others have discovered that keeping your camera off and your mic muted for the entirety of your classes actually allows information to more quickly pass into your hippocampus and become stored in the realm of your long term memory. But, upon the highest pedestal of Zoom’s remarkable features, is the breakout room.

With the push of one or two buttons, teachers can give their students the opportunity to work through complex problems together and even socialize, something they’ve been restricted from doing for all too long. Word quickly spread, and soon teachers across the world began to implement the use of this fantastic service, announcing with glee to classrooms full of blank screens that they would be breaking out into groups during the latter portion of the class period. And, the best part: after the students spent time collaboratively figuring out answers to their teacher’s intricately designed questions, they could return to the main

Vol. 14

room, and share what they learned from each other. Foolproof. Ingenious. Fabulous. Or so they thought.

Given the recent one year anniversary of lockdown, many have spent some time looking back on the tactics that have gotten us this far through the pandemic. Naturally, the breakout room was high up on the list of prime candidates for future use, but a deep-diving investigation revealed that maybe it shouldn’t have been. Shockingly, given some polling and monitoring, researchers realized that these rooms were deafeningly silent and that nationwide, not a single camera had remained on once the “Join Breakout Room” button was clicked.

First, since this discovery was deemed impossible, the technology was investigated further--is there something about the Zoom software that simply inhibits non teacher-lead discussion? Again, shockingly, it appears that, no, the Zoom program functions equally well regardless of the number of degrees held by the meeting’s participants. Baffled, the researchers carried on. What else could possibly be the cause of this sheer waste of technological potential? The students, of course, are definitely not only in a reasonable location in their

home while on these calls, but also awake, alert, and engaged, so they certainly cannot be at fault.

A formal answer is still being sought, but if any Belfield Banter readers have insights, please send an email to a member of the staff. Some propose that while we wait for an answer, we should stop having breakout rooms entirely to keep us all protected on the off chance that it is some technological glitch or software error. Or, I suppose, you could keep throwing caution to the wind, in favor of preserving the helpful discussions that must be occurring in breakout rooms one through four.

THE ADVANTAGES OF ONLINE SCHOOL

by Hannah Laufer — Over the past few months, I’ve seriously considered the advantages and disadvantages of online school, and I’ve come to the resounding conclusion that there are only virtues to online learning.

The glitches, the frozen screens, and the late au-

dio are tied up in a neat little package that simply adds to my experience of a high school education.

The constant video lagging, for instance, has given me a renewed appreciation for films, specifically Cars, in which the song “Life Is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts is prominently featured. I watch movies now and feel shocked that there are no time skips or warped visual sequences. I can simply sit back and watch as the movie’s frames match the tone of “Life Is a Highway” perfectly, a feat which is not easily accomplished due to the sheer mastery exhibited by Rascal Flatts in that song. Go figure!

Late audio from Zoom allows me to bask in the continuous flow of the words found in my favorite song, “Life Is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts, every single day both before and after school. There is no audio distortion, no skips in the track, just the sublime yet playful melody of “Life Is a Highway” blaring into my eardrums. No piece of audio will ever hold as special of a place in my heart as “Life Is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts from the hit Disney film Cars. Sometimes, I’ll be in a discussion, find myself unable to hear the amazing points made by my classmates (due to Zoom glitches, not because I’m secretly listening to “Life Is a Highway” through my headphones at full-volume), and then will be expected to write a discussion board post on those points for homework. But this too is a positive, as now I appreciate every word Mr. Taylor may utter in American Studies just that much more. Much like the mellifluous chords struck by Rascal Flatts in “Life Is a Highway,” I appreciate being able to hear him clearly. Every weird, obscure point made by that man never fails to either raise my eyebrows or evoke a shocked, nervous laugh. I can only hope that he will soon comment on the impact that Rascal Flatts’ “Life Is a Highway” has had on the American psyche, as I do not think that any American Studies class would be complete without a full analysis of this piece.

As you can now see, there are no disadvantages to online school; I’ve never drunk more coffee, never stared at a screen for longer, never felt more disconnected from my peers, but on a more sincere note, I have also never appreciated the massive efforts that my teachers put into their craft more.

April 1st, 2021

Vol. 14

MUSIC REVIEWS: LOCAL TEEN EXPRESSES ALL EMOTIONS THROUGH OLIVIA RODRIGO’S “DRIVER’S LICENSE”

by Katherine Steward — Following the release of the critically acclaimed “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo, many teens found it to convey all the emotions of your garden-variety breakup. Coming from the perspective of Olivia Rodrigo traversing the end of a long-term relationship, it gained immense popularity from apps such as Twitter and TikTok. However, this teen inserts it into their everyday life despite not having a driver’s license, nor ever having had a relationship. Acquaintances note that he has utilized the song for every situation possible nonetheless.

When he burnt the cookies he spent half an hour making, his neighbors could hear him screaming along with Rodrigo as she sang about the lies her ex-boyfriend told her. When he left his athletic gear at home and had to practice in a Lands’ End polo, individuals in the weight room reported that they could hear lines such as, “Red lights / stop signs / I still see your face” blared at top volume from a CCC locker room. How these lyrics relate at all to this teen’s life, we at The Belfield Banter do not know. Whether he has just aced a math test, failed a math test, or simply had a typical Tuesday night, you can count on hearing the echoey bridge of the song resonating loudly from his vicinity. Upon asking for comment, he attached a link to a ten hour loop of the song for the use of our readers.

AN OBSCURE PIECE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

by Sam Brynes — You can always rely on The Belfield Banter staff to bring obscure artists to your attention. After having read some recent pieces on artists whom I know you’ve never heard of before like Taylor Swift and Fiona Apple, I thought I might share an underground piece I’ve been jamming out to recently: Dua Lipa’s “Don’t Start Now.” You may have heard it before as number two on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100, a premade Spotify playlist, or the Grammy Awards, but if [cont p5]

April 1st, 2021

not, don’t feel bad. It’s very obscure, and only those with elite taste can possibly enjoy it.

What’s best about “Don’t Start Now” is that it’s a one-song-fits-all kind of thing. Play it while you’re driving around. Play it in the background while you’re FaceTiming friends. Make a twenty hour loop of the song to be the soundtrack of your life. Write a college essay about it. Here’s a radical thought: make a TikTok. You will definitely be the first to do so with this song.

BIG SUR GONE SOUTH: A SOFTWARE UPDATE HORROR STORY

by Sasha Rinkevich, Online Learner — I was in the middle of AmStuds when the dreaded software update notification popped up on my desktop. Dismissively, I clicked “remind me again tomorrow.” I didn’t have time for this.

We’re all familiar with the hassle that updating one’s computer entails. They’re fickle machines; slow WiFi speeds or low battery power can upset them to the point that the entire update will fail and you’re out a computer for the next day.

Because I’ve been foiled by the computer update conundrum on multiple occasions, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. I knew that I was low on storage and that I’d have to back up my entire machine, which is a lengthy two-hour process, and I had more classes to attend in the afternoon.

Therefore, I decided to put it off. It wasn’t a big deal, I could just update it later in the evening. This choice, though it seemed logical at the time, was an incredibly costly mistake.

Vol. 14

Slowly, more and more update reminders popped up on my screen until they covered every crevice of the display.

“Do you wish to restart your machine?” it asked.

Did I? Could I? I didn’t remember anymore. The state of my computer had rapidly declined into one of chaos and uselessness as I looked on in terror.

As I had feared, I missed my afternoon classes. I frantically emailed my advisor and teachers using my phone to inform them of the wrath I faced at the hands of my computer. For the rest of the week, I used my phone to attend class, unable to use Google Docs or easily post to Canvas discussion boards.

After driving it to Short Pump and getting it fixed, my computer returned to normal. The repair specialists couldn’t explain what happened. While the new update has added features that I appreciate, I still don’t understand why the full-scale OS panic was necessary. My laptop demonstrated that it has a mind of its own. They call it artificial intelligence for a reason, I suppose. From now on, I will be prompt about update installation, or face the rage of what seems like a sentient computer. Lesson learned.

FACULTY FEATURE: SAINT BERNARD

by Jack Dozier

Saint is the school mascot, and recently joined the school.

The trouble started slowly. Little things began to go wrong with my computer as the week progressed.

Everything slowed down, and my Zoom kept crashing. The battery that would’ve typically gotten me through a full three-class-day dropped to 5% power by lunch. I knew something was amiss.

My gut told me that my ability to attend afternoon classes was in danger, but I didn’t have another laptop, so I continued with my day as if everything were normal. Unfortunately, my computer wasn’t done with me yet. When I tried to pair it with my bluetooth headphones, they shrieked into my eardrums. My text messages disappeared, and months-old emails were all marked as unread.

------------------------------How has your school year been going?

Pretty well. It can be hard to keep this mask on my face sometimes, and my peers can be a little alarming when I go up a downwards staircase. People keep trying to pet me and I’m like, “Woah, six feet, people.”

April 1st, 2021

What are you doing outside of school?

Really, a lot of self-care. I’m eating right, doing a lot of yoga, keeping in touch with my family, and watching a lot of TV. I enjoyed the first season of The Politician a great deal, I mean, Jessica Lange is just such a legend, but I found that the second season lost its path completely. That comes with Ryan Murphy’s territory, though, doesn’t it? Pardon the pun. I set some big goals at the beginning of the pandemic, like learning a foreign language and taking up watercolor painting, but then lost a lot of motivation. Honestly, I’ve been in the middle of a Phillip Roth book since July, and the end is nowhere in sight.

If readers have recommendations, I’ll gladly take them.

Vol. 14

The Banter Staff: Eleanor Powell----------------------------------Editor-in-Chief Jack Dozier---------------------------------------Junior Editor Emma Finley-Gillis-----------------------------Director of Graphics & Formatting Emily Gohn--------------------------------------Features Editor Hannah Laufer-----------------------------------Sports Editor Sonia Kamath------------------------------------Director of Student Outreach Megamind–––------------------------------------Creative Director

What made you want to be a school mascot?

Certainly for the joy of it all, but the retirement benefits aren’t half-bad, either. They could splurge more on the dental plan, but in general, it’s a good gig. People seem happier when I show up--how many humans can say that?

Loo k o u t fo r o ur w e e k ly e d i t i o ns co nt i nu i ng t h i s s pr i n g!