HOtEL VOrtEX - Nick Fisk

HOtEL VOrtEX A play by Nick Fisk

Hotel Vortex Act 1, Scene 1 Jez, Mick and Ally are sitting in Jez’s living room. There are two quite untidy sofas, and a coffee table, strewn with bits and pieces – empty beer cans, filled up ash trays, food packets, a couple of small bags, bits of tobacco and an empty tobacco pouch. The floor around them is similarly untidy. There is a slightly psychedelic type of picture behind one of the sofas. A TV plays in the background with Jools Holland on, quite quietly.

Mick (looking around): Fuck’s sake, Jez – have you seen my lighter?

Jez (looks on table): Here – use this one.

Mick (tries to light cigarette): Doesn’t work. Have you got it Al? Ally: No I haven’t! I gave it back to you.

Mick (looking around again, this time more thoroughly, right down between seats of sofa): Oh, here it is. (lights up fag).

Ally: When’s Chloe getting back? I’m dying for a drink.

Mick: Yeah that’s true. She’s been fucking ages. She was only going to get booze wasn’t she?

Jez (to Ally): Do you want a line instead?

Ally: Yeah ok, thanks Jez. (Jez sorts out a line of a white powder and offers this to Ally which she then snorts) Mick: Have you heard from Lee about those pills yet Jez? Jez: No, not yet. I think there’s a bit of a shortage at the moment.

Mick: What about Helen – is she still in West Wales?

Jez: I’m not sure. I don’t really want to have anything to do with Helen again. She might be back with Mikey, I’m not sure. I don’t really want to speak to her until she pays that money back.

Ally: I’ll give you that forty quid when I get paid, Jez, I promise you. And Beth owes me £20.

Jez: Whatever Al. (there is a knock at the door) Ally: Oh that’s probably Chloe (exits stage left to answer door)

Ally (off stage): Oh it’s Darren!

Jez (shouting): What – gay Darren? Hi Darren! I wondered when you’d be here.

Mick: Naz listen, I’m not staying all night. I just want to see Chloe for something, then I need to get back and take my meds.

Darren (entering from stage left, wearing a cycling helmet,, which he takes off, and a mask beneath his chin which he keeps on. Ally comes in behind him): Hi guys! I just saw these coppers trying to arrest this homeless bloke. It’s a fucking police state, I swear.

Jez: You been talking to Caz have you?

Darren: No honestly, just seen three police cars on my way over, and I’ve only cycled from Canton.

Mick: I had a long walk round town last night – didn’t see a single police.

Darren: Yeah, well they’re probably leaving you alone love, cos they know you’re fucking nuts.

(Darren unzips his jacket, takes off a rucksack and takes out a half full bottle of lambrini) Darren: Any glasses?

Jez: Here use this (he passes Darren a small glass which already has a small amount of liquid in it) Mick: Have you honestly just been cycling wearing a mask, mate?

Darren: Mick – there’s a fucking pandemic! I know you think it’s all a conspiracy, but some of us live in the real world.

Mick: I do live in the real world. There’s nothing fucking wrong with me. That’s why I don’t wear a mask.

Darren: Well then you’re just being inconsiderate – what if you pass it on to someone else?

Mick: What am I going to pass on – there’s nothing wrong with me!

Darren: Whatever, love. Oh go on then, Jez, I’ll have a line (Jez passes plate with powder to Darren).

Darren: Where’s Chloe?

Mick: Just popped out to get some booze. She’s been ages now.

There is another knock at the door.

Mick: Well speak of the devil. That must be her know.

Ally exits stage left to go to answer the door again.

Chloe (off stage): Hi there! (entering the stage, on her own, but carrying two Tesco bags full of stuff) There was loads of reduced stuff, so I thought I might as well get it. Here...(she begins to take out things from the bag) a chicken Jalfrezi, some sushi....

Jez: Sushi! I love sushi!

Chloe (continuing to take things out): Some noodles, some pork – thought you’d like the pork, Mick.

Mick: Thanks hun.

Darren: I’ve just eaten love, I’m fine.

Ally: Yeah, I’ve just done a line so I’m not hungry at the moment.

Chloe: Well, it was all cheap anyway (gets few more things out). And then I’ve got your bottle of wine, Al, some beer, and some cider.

Mick: Here, have a fiver hun.

Chloe: What’s that for? I owe you a tenner anyway.

Mick: Yeah I know, but just a contribution.

Ally: Did you get the filter tips?

Chloe: Fuck, I forgot the filter tips!

Ally: Don’t worry, I think I’ve still got a few left.

Jez: How come you took so long though?

Chloe: Oh...the card reader didn’t work, so I had to put everything down, go and get some cash out...

Jez: Oh no – you had enough though, right?

Chloe: Yeah, just about.

Mick: (drinking from a can) Jez, listen, I’m gonna finish this beer, then I’m off. Going to my mum’s for lunch tomorrow. Was just wondering about that poker tournament hun – do you wanna come round to mine to play it tomorrow, and I’ll get your buy-in?

Chloe: Yes ok. But no funny business.

Mick: No funny business. I’ll get some wine. It’s just more fun playing it with someone else around.

Chloe: Ok, go on then.

Mick: I’ll see you tomorrow about fiveish. Try not to be too late. (getting up to leave) Alright Jez. I’ll see you soon mate. Tara Ally, Darren. Let me know if you speak to Lee, Jez. Jez: I’ll whatsapp you.

Mick: Ok, see you later guys (Mick exits).

Chloe (cracking open a can): Who wants beer and who wants cider?

Lights fade

SCENE 2 At Mick’s. Chloe and Mick are sitting close to each other on a faux leather sofa, both on their phones.

There is a clean, white coffee table with an empty bottle, and half a bottle of red wine; two wine glasses with some red wine in, and an ashtray with a few fag butts in it. Daybreak by Fire Thief plays quietly in the background.

Chloe: I’m all in...top two pair...he’s got flush draw and a gutshot...dammit! He’s hit his fucking flush. I’m out. Miserable face!

Mick: Oh well, we both got unlucky. I’d have doubled up if he hadn’t hit his ace on the river...

Chloe: What are you playing now then?

Mick: Oh just a Spin. Fifty for ten. Should win this one....in fact, yes! Seven on the river....

Chloe: You won it? Can you send me another ten so I can just play one spin then?

Mick: Yes ok.

Chloe: I suppose I might as well get back now then. I’ll play it when I get back to Vortex.

Mick: Are you sure we can’t just have a quickie before you go? (Mick strokes Chloe’s shoulder) Chloe: You know I’m with Max now, Mick. We can’t keep doing this…

Mick: Last time – I promise.

Chloe: Oh go on then (they begin to kiss, then Mick leads Chloe by the hand, exiting stage right)

SCENE 3 Lee: Right then Jezza, how many of them pills does Mick want?

Jez: I think he only wanted a couple.

Lee: A couple? Tell him they’re a tenner each, or I’ll do him ten for sixty quid.

Jez: That sounds like a good deal. If I was president, I’d buy a hundred off you.

Lee: If you were president, Jezza my man, then I would be... Right, I’ll leave ten with you. I’m sure Mick will see me soon about the money.

Jez: And I’m sure he won’t mind me taking one for myself! (Jez pops a pill into his mouth)

SCENE 4 An empty stage. Mick and Caz are walking slowly back and forth and around the stage. Mick is carrying a ghetto blaster, playing “Drum and Bass Father” Caz (holding phone and taking photos): This is mad, Mick. We are on Queen Street at 10 o’clock on a Saturday night and there is literally nobody about!

Mick: It’s mad. What you think of this virus then, Caz? You think it’s something to do with 5G don’t you?

Caz: I don’t know what it is, 5G, Qanon, the great reset? Something to do with the freemasons?

Mick: To be honest Caz, I don’t know and don’t care. I just think the longer people stay indoors, the more they’ll get used to it and be scared to go out even when it’s all over. I just wanna be able to go out and see some live music again.

(A couple of scruffy lads walk past quite quickly, from one side of the stage to the other) Lad 1: Yes brother – proper old school! (he fist bumps Mick as he passes) Caz: Yes boys! Where’s the party then?

Lad 2: I wish, love!

(They walk for a little longer. Pause, then look upwards) Caz: Look at the moon, Mick! Looks beautiful.

Mick: Yeah, some things never change.

Caz: Maybe mother nature needed a break?

Mick: Maybe Caz, maybe.

Caz: These pills not bad, are they?

Mick: Yeah, they’re pretty good. I remember one time I took one with Blakey and Chloe on New Year’s Eve. That was a good night.

Caz: Why do you still talk about Chloe all the time? You’re never gonna get back with her!

Mick: Yeah I know, but we’re still good friends. To be honest, I’m not even sure if I’d want to get back with her now. I just haven’t met anyone else.

Caz: You’ll find someone Mick, you’re a good bloke.

Mick: Thanks Caz. Shall we go back to Vortex then?......

SCENE 5 At Vortex........Jezza is sitting quietly with Ally and Darren. Music is playing very quietly. There is a knock at the door. Darren gets up to look through the window (stage left) Jezza (whispering): Who is it?

Darren (whispers): It’s Mick and Caz I think.

Jezza: (still whispering) Fuck’s sake, I told him Chloe had a job. Let him in but be really quiet.

Darren creeps towards stage left, lets in Mick and Caz – there is some hushing.

Jezza: What the fuck are you doing here? I told you to wait till at least half eleven....

Mick: It’s twenty past for fuck’s sake – I thought she’d be finished by now.

Caz: (talking quite loudly) You should have seen the moon, Jez, fucking lush, and it was like a ghost town in town!

Jezza (grabbing a knife): Caz, I told you to shut the fuck up! Chloe is working!!

Caz: Who the fuck do you....

Mick: Put that down Jez – what the fuck are you doing? Who cares if we make a noise – Chloe doesn’t care anyway, you’re just trying to justify your cut of the money.

Ally: Jesus Jez, put that knife away.

Jez puts down the knife, but speaks quietly and slowly: Ok, but just stay quiet for fuck’s sake. I don’t want you fucking this up for Chloe.

Caz and Mick quietly and nervously crack open beers. Everyone sits around quietly for a while, as the music continues. Then suddenly the music stops.

Darren: It’s the Bluetooth connection on that speaker...hang on a minute...(Darren stands up, fiddles with his phone, then the speaker which is near one of the sofas...the music starts up again, but louder) Jez: Turn it down for fuck’s sake!!

Darren: Sorry.

The music continues but quieter.

From stage left we can hear Chloe speaking. She laughs and says: Yes no problem! Good to see you. Let me know about next week. Bye! The door slams and Chloe comes into the room, from stage left.

Chloe: He’s gone!

Jez: Sorry about the noise, Chloe, Mick and Caz decided to turn up early and then Caz was fucking shouting.

Caz: I wasn’t shouting Jez you fucking cunt...

Chloe: Don’t worry about it! I didn’t hear anything! We had music on upstairs – don’t worry about it! She gives Jez a £10 note Caz: All that for a fucking tenner! Don’t you fucking dare pull a knife on me again.

Jez (unapologetic): This is my house, my rules. If you don’t like it, fuck off.

Caz: Shall we go Mick?.........

ACT 2 SCENE 1 At Vortex. Jez is sitting near to Darren. Daytime TV is playing. Jez is watching, absently. Darren is on his phone. There is a knock at the door. Jez goes to answer.

Jez: (left of stage) Who is it?

Ally (off stage): It’s me Jez. Jez goes to let Ally in.

As they’re walking onto set...

Ally: I just need to borrow twenty quid for some tobacco, Jez. Jezza: For fuck’s sake, Ally, you were paid two days ago, you disappear for two days, and now you’re back asking to borrow money again. You owe me £100!!

Ally: I told you, I was overdrawn and I owed loads of people money.

Jezza: And one of them was me!

Ally: I just need twenty quid for baccy Jez. I told you, Beth owes me £20 and she gets paid tomorrow, you can ask her for it.

Jezza: Fuck off, I’m not lending you any more. I’m not even speaking to Beth.

(Jez pushes Ally quite firmly onto the sofa) Ally: What the fuck are you doing – that’s assault! I’m calling the police!

Jezza: Do what you want – I should be calling the police on you to have you sectioned.

Darren: For fuck’s sake Jez, calm down! Leave Ally alone…

SCENE 2 Nick is at his place in his dressing gown. His phone rings. He takes out his phone and answers it.

Nick: Hiya Paul. How you doing? .....

Nick: Yeah, saw Kate Moss the other day mate. .....

Nick: You wanna put a £20 double on? Ok hang on (Nick picks up pen from the table). Arthur’s Shed in the 2.15 at Compton, right...(begins to write)...and Own Brain in the 3.15. Ok. I might put a fiver on myself. Quite fancy those two in a double...any other news? .....

Nick: Ok mate. How you getting on with opening your own account? (phone starts to ring again)...Paul, I’ve got another call – I’ll speak to you later mate...yeah, good luck.

Nick: Alright Jim? How you doing? I haven’t got any mate. You know I hardly ever have any. I don’t think Jez has even got much at the moment....Yeah I know it’s a bit awkward with Jez....look I’ll give him a quick ring now....Yeah, I’ll text you back...Ok, bye.

Nick: Alright Jez – I know it’s a bit tricky at the moment, but Jim just called – yeah I know Jim’s banned...what?! The police have just been round? Fuck’s sake – more drama! You’ve banned Ally? I’m not surprised. All these people are taking advantage of you Jez, I’ve told you a million times....Alright, I’ll come round in a bit. I’ll just have a shower and get dressed.

SCENE 3 At Vortex. Jez is alone, pacing about before a knock at the door. Jez goes to answer.

Jez: Who is it?

Mick: It’s me Jez. Jez goes to let Mick in and they both walk onto the set.

Mick: So what happened?

Jez: Ally called the police, so obviously she’s banned now.

Offset..

Darren (coming on stage): She didn’t call the police Jez, it was one of the neighbours. But you shouldn’t have attacked her anyway.

Jez: I didn’t attack her, I just pushed her. That fucking slag owes me £100.

Mick: So what did the police say?

Jez: Well luckily they just cautioned me. It was fucking lucky cos there was powder and stuff everywhere. But that’s the last time I’m letting Ally in.

Mick: You always say that mate. You’re gonna have to be careful for a while about who you let in.

Anyway, Canadian Jim wants to know if you’ve got any powder he can have.

Jez: You know I don’t deal with Canadian Jim any more. He’s a fucking grass as well. You can give him a bomb, that’s it.

Mick: Well I wouldn’t mind a bit myself.

Jez: Ok, I’ll give you a tenner’s worth. I owe you money anyway don’t I? Mick: I’m not sure; maybe. But thanks anyway. Do you wanna come round to watch the football later?

Jez (pouring powder into a little bag): Ok – who’s playing?

Mick: Preston. I think if we win we’re only just outside the play-offs, but they’re on quite good form.

Jez: Ok then. What time’s the kick off?

Mick: I think it’s seven.

Jez: Ok, I’ll come round about half six. Here you go (hands Mick small bag of powder) Mick: Thanks Jez. I’ll get the beers in (Mick goes to leave) Jez cracks open a can and Darren carries on playing on his phone. He looks up: Mind if I have a line?

Jez: Yeah, here you go.

SCENE 4 At Mick’s. Mick is smoking a cigarette. He puts it in the ashtray and picks up his phone to make a call. In his other hand is a TV remote.

Mick: You alright Arth? You saw Arthur’s Shed got beaten by about a length? Fucking Own Brain came in though. Eh? You don’t bet horses with Arthur in the name? I thought you did! Eh? You bet on Arthur’s Big News and that came in?! Are you watching The Chase? Did you see that Madness question?... Yeah, I thought it was House of Fun. So what you got on tonight – 2-0/Moore? Yeah, obviously – I’ve got a feeling it’s gonna be a draw tonight to be honest... The police were round at Jez’s again earlier... hang on a minute, Paul’s calling me. I might give you a call after the game Arth. Alright tara. Alright Paul? Yeah, unlucky with that double.....I think you’ve got about £80 left in the account....you wanna put it all on Wolves to beat Villa? I think you’re mad Paul – are you sure? It’s your money I suppose.

There is a knock at the door.

2 seconds Paul – someone at the door.

Mick goes to the door and it’s Bob who he lets in.

Bob (wearing a mask): Any chance of a couple of quid for a beer?

Mick: You know I don’t let in people wearing masks and also, you’re drunk – so bugger off. Bob staggers out drunk.

Mick: Sorry Paul, just this drunk twat. You were saying? Any other bets? Ok no worries mate. Two seconds – got another call, Paul. Have a good one mate. Nice one.

Mick (still on phone): Alright Ally? Jez wants to know about….. Have you got that £40 by the way? I thought you said you were getting paid? You were paid, but it’s all gone on bills. I know exactly what it’s all gone on – fucking crack for fuck’s sake. You never change Al. Sophie can pay me when she gets her money. But it’s not Sophie who owes me the money Al, it’s you! Anyway, look, just leave it for now. Tell Jez I’ll most likely see him later.

There is a knock at the door Mick (puts phone in pocket and readies himself): Two seconds Jez, I’ll be there now.

(He is instead greeted by Rick): Rick – good to see you mate, I was expecting to see Jez – he should be here any time soon.

Rick: Salutations good sir. I’ve just come from Jez’s. I thought I would call by to offer friendship.

Mick: Hehe. No worries, Rick, you’re always welcome here. I’m just about to watch the football though, and I know you’re not keen on football.

Rick: Yes, Jez did mention about sporting endeavours. I won’t keep you. If you could allow me to at least stop and have a smoke? I have a new pipe.

Mick: Yes of course – that’s a very smart looking pipe Rick.

Rick (going into some detail about the pipe while filling it with tobacco. The two of them then sit down to smoke. Mick has a cigarette, fetches a beer and puts the football on).

Mick (with remote in hand): Just need to find the right channel. I can get it on the firestick…Here it is. (football commentary starts up).

Rick: My friend, if you are going to watch this sports entertainment, I shall leave you to so do and we can make arrangements to catch up at a more suitable time.

Mick: Fair enough Rick, that’s fine. Yes, see you later (Mick shows Rick to the side of the stage).

(The lights dim)

SCENE 5 (The lights come up at Mick’s) (A knock at the door) Mick: Twenty minutes into the second half and Jez finally arrives!

(Goes to answer) Mick: Oh, Rick again – how can I help, Rick?

Rick (looking shocked): Mick, Sophie’s…dead. I mean she’s on her way out, I don’t think there’s any way back.

Mick: Rick, are you being serious, what are you talking about?

Rick: She’s OD’d, Mick, sadly I’m being deadly serious. Come back to Jez’s with me, I think you should be there.

Mick: Oh my God mate, I can’t believe it. Just today she sent put £40 in my account. I didn’t know why – didn’t recall her owing me any money. Oh my God. Let me get my shoes on and we’ll go straight round there.

SCENE 6 The scene is set to look like an outdoor street area late at night. Naz is there.

Naz (apparently more angry than anything): I just can’t believe she’s gone. I can’t believe it.

Mick: I’m so sorry for you Naz, but I really think we’ll have to go back to the house.

Gee (approaching): When did she…?

SCENE 7 Jez, Darren, Nick and Gee are lined up facing forward, with a police officer to the side.

Copper: The time now is 11.50pm. Right, I would advise you all to empty your pockets and wallets before we do any searching. (The four do this before he and another copper then conduct a quick search of all four). Now, in your own words, tell us briefly about the events of this evening.

Jez (steps forward): I was with Sophie until her dying breath. That murderous bastard Darren spiked her. (steps back) Darren (steps forward): I was with my good friend Sophie before she sadly passed on. I just don’t know what to say. That murderous bastard Jez forced her into it. (steps back) Nick: (steps forward) I’m just a friend who was told the news. I came round straight away (steps back) Gee: (steps forward) I was with Sophie throughout. She passed away in my loving arms (steps back) SCENE 8 Back at Mick’s Mick: Well that was all a bit traumatic. Our friend has just died and the police don’t seem to allow any time for people to grieve.

Darren: I know, but it is a crime scene after all.

Mick: I can’t believe you guys are still smoking that stuff now that Sophie has died.

Darren: It’s only what Sophie would have expected us to do.

Chloe: Yeah, one last blast before giving up.

ACT 3 SCENE 1 (At Mick’s) Mick: That was well out of order Darren not even inviting you to the funeral, Jez. Jez: Yup, well that narcissistic bastard can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.

Ally: Come on Jez, he’s not that bad.

Jez: He is – I never want to see his face again.

Chloe: Try not to be too angry, Jez. Sophie would hate to see you like this. Why don’t you read that poem you said you’d have liked to read at the funeral.

Ally: Yes that’s a nice idea, Jez – go for it.

Jez: Ok here goes Not in the spirit of the creator Can't ' no mas ' be made Can't no more mad -rid Can't cedar wood for the bees Can't walls for the trees Can't books for the shelves To where earth crust delves All crampessed and creaking Temporamentally speaking Can't books for the gig And things occurring Make matters evolve Aboriginally hearing Can't men with moobs Can't plastics in fish Revamp all our notions For one noble wish Can't chickens in coops And cows that can't fart Bluetooth my emotions Right into your heart "can't cope with the bins" 'End all human sins' And deep cleanse the oceans Perpetual motions

Coz all that we own We possess in our mind Own anything else And we'll be left behind So my darling, ....my darling I'm looking through the wood for the trees I'm looking through the air for the breeze I'm looking through the meds that I find Just searching for the threads to my mind Not looking for that love in a gaze But walking through a love random maze With no curves to bend With nothing to mend And nothing that we'll lie on Just a faze with a friend But a love Twas a blast Not just lovely to last But looking throughout And looking with ease Just looking through love For love If you please Round of applause

ACT 3 Scene 2 (At Jez’s) Mick: Pubs are open again, Mick.

Jez: Yeah, but what’s the point in paying £5 a pint when I can stay at home and buy a four pack of stella for a fiver.

Mick: You are right, Mick.

Jez: Damn right (cracks open a beer).

Mick (receiving phone call): How you doing Arch. Any luck lately? You fancy going for a curry? Yeah, why not. Have to book in advance? Well that’s not a problem. I’ll give them a ring and we can take advantage of that offer. Cheers Arch, see you later. (Mick hangs up and cracks open a beer himself) Yeah, what’s the point in going out eh Jez? They clink beers.