Funny Business - Nick Fisk

Funny Business

Nick Fisk

First published by Square Books, 2016

This, second edition, published 2022

Cover illustration, a section of “The Chavant-Garde”

by Naive John reproduced by very kind permission of the artist (copyright retained)

Also by Nick Fisk:

Futurist

Pure Diamonds

Rushin’ on Diamonds

Diamonds & Dragons

Daimunz R 4E4 5x4x5x4+1

Departure Lounge 25

Departure Lounge 58 20

Futurist ii

For more information, please see www.purepoetry.co.uk

Also, author’s blog

https://www.fiskbook.com

Printed by: Ravenstat Ltd, 103Bute Street, Cardiff Bay, CF10 5AD

*please note, since the first edition of this book, the Rainbow Casino, Cardiff has now permanently closed

Sometimes you can just tell, eg. If someone's decorating (see paint on clothes);

If someone's bluffing (This one more tricky, and can get one into trouble).

Can you tell a liar?

What do you tell a liar?

Should you give them a good telling off? Or let them off

With maybe just a smacked bum.

Settling for Second Best

I realised Miss World was alittle Out of my league

So I settled forlittle Miss Wales. Her dad was a second hand car salesman So we sealed the deal over a handshake.

I drove off in triumph

With little Miss Wales excitedly Eating her hair in the passenger seat As she was wan to do.

Funny Business

After she'd said, ‘You’ll be lucky” And I promised there'd be no funny business

We headed off, the two of us clowns Vowing to enjoy ourselves at least

And atleast the sun shone; The radio played our favourite hits.

Then at the card table, I was hitting flops Left, right and centre.

Just to be with my favourite Person meant the world.

And now in the casino, Daft Punk's “Get Lucky” rang out.

Funny business bagged up like Baggio, I was the luckiest of the lot.

The Unemployed Dogs

Most dogs were on the sick, Even though they were pretty lively.

You could tell the ones Who were on the fiddle

Cos they'd come bounding up to you In the street, even on leads.

Alongwith the free health services. Free food, free board they'd get,

And there was nothing much The working dogs could do about it.

They were hardly going to complain To the authorities

And most of the Dog Centres Were closed down anyway

There wasn't enough work To go around.

But the unemployed dogs Weren't doingany harm

They were keepingarelatively low profile Most of the time.

What with cats dominating facebook, Be More Dog was the advertising slogan

And let's face it, It wasn't such a bad life.

Cath ar y Lleuad

Distance matters little with training I'd said to my poor cat

As, in the rain, she went trudging out, Determined she could Make her own way back home, A whole twenty miles away.

At least she was being well Looked after – the occasional mini-Magnum –Her favourite and all the biscuits She could eat, but I knew she missed me When my dad said she kept staring into space.

But although she might not Have been completely happy, she'd be Glad the next time she saw me, I knew that.

The biggest distance she had to keep Was between her and my mum's cat, Also taken in, agreat big scowling cat now Who also knew, despite the weather, And even on clear, warm nights Walking back home by moonlight And the eyes of other cats Was an impossibility. You only see skateboarding cats on YouTube, And 20 miles would surely smash records.

She Walked Out the Door

She walked out the door The silly old whore Along with all her belongings.

But in no time at all He began to have longings And dreamed she'd return as before.

Sleep became tricky, His body felt shattered In truth she'dleft him in tatters.

Whenever he saw her, He just couldn't believe her His friends? She'd slept with them all.

While he was alone, She was having aball, It was just him, the cat, and four walls.

Butwhile the cat was a play thing, He wanted the real thing, He wanted not Treacle but hunny

When they finally broke up, He tried not to choke up, He knew he was better than that.

If she gave me a taste, It felt like a waste

Knowing she'd not be returning

She saw his yearning While she was out earning And for her it might have been funny.

But he was not broken yet, He won a large bet And finally he had the money.

The ADS

The Angel Delivery Service, As you might expect, Is more than alittle over-subscribed.

Rarely do they need to put sales on, Or similar incentive schemes.

Those who can dowithout, In many senses, Are thelucky ones.

But there are those who Simply cannot stop themselves Crying out, but justlike

Facebook, the ADS is too popular, The customer service department is lacking To say the least Virtually non-existent You're better off seeking out Their rivals. jealousy is Amongst the flaws of the ADS.

Flowers

About once an hour A man will buy flowers.

He'll have spent a quick few seconds deciding Whether to go for the pretty bunch for £5 Or the exotic looking bunch at £7.

He’ll then have been seen With slightly painedexpression Disguising the pleasure and relief at making the much needed purchase Scurrying as fast as he can, Probably to conveniently parked car nearby.

Fortunately atleast, The gesture is usually greeted By a gentle smile at the receiving end.

Make Up

I went into a divorce lawyer’s To ask about a possible make up.

If I'd been a woman, I'd definitely Have worn...make-up.

I needed this make up Like RyanGiggs’wife needed adivorce.

I was told it might cost alot I told them this mattered tome not ajot –I’d do whatever it would take.

Sowe swapped particulars, The divorce lawyer and I, Including mobile phone numbers.

Somehow or other, the divorce lawyer and I Ended up in bed together later that day.

At least for now, the make up Was off in both senses of the word.

She said goodbye with a handshake Over milkshake.

Tables Turned

Are ex's new flames always dull as dishwater I wonder as I have the two of them back for Vodka and coke in the garden?

The three of us each tipped the table in turns With the sumptuous ex going first. I was the only one to actually break a seat, But put simply, the vodka lasted less long Than it might have done.

Weeach proved in our ownindividual way That this was an awkward moment And thatplans made by mere mortals For an afternoon tea party, Or at least one involving spirits, Are, as they say, necessarily flawed.

Size of the Soul

Let the shrink shrink me

Shrink me to the smallest possible thing

So there is barely nothing Left of me but my being

But let them not take my soul. Let them take my brain

But let them not take my soul For however much they may wish to, They cannot.

May they make mefake A fake being

Everything taken

Butlike a snowflake, unique, May they not take my beautiful being.

Post Brexit Establishment

Tom Hingley > Kylie Minogue

The Stone Roses > Coldplay

The Labour Party > The Conservative Party

China > America

Love > Money

Absolute Radio > Radio 1

The Meek > The Earth

Armedupsendingmessagesoflove

Hats off to the wives who stick by Their men, out at sea, doing some Of the hardest work to bring back a ransom.

Hats off to her royal imaginary highness Who thinks it's fine to keep using weaponry (And there's no surprise here) such as

You're paranoid; I have an army of back up; I have all the money in theworld; You don't know who I am

Which roughly translated means:

I feellonely; I need friends; I've lost asmall fortune; You know what I'mlike so don't go on about it.

Rich Witch

We fed the witch tokens Us blokes

The witch had secured A niche market

She nicked from the poor And rich alike

She stole facebook likes From poor kids Who’d only just opened accounts.

She rendered their statuses Obsolete so the poor kids Deleted them in the end.

She drove men round the bend Save for your Hilary Benn types

Clever guys who Had more political wherewithal

Saw past all the nonsense To secure better futures.

Lunatrix

I haven't seen your luna tricks For what seems like forty years. For all the men who built these bricks, I'd box them round the ears.

For all the men that came before And all the men still coming, I shut the door and shouted out Brookes, go take your bumming!

I thought about a dream of sex, A tree with 400 million apples. I wiped my ears of ear wax So I too could have a sample.

Call the doctor, call the nurse, Call the bloody lawyer. In the end, My No.1 man sorted me for lager. I met him in a nice old pub And drove straight back to Gabalfa.

Luna Sea

We set out to sea, You and me On a beautiful pearl shaped boat.

The hills were alive Aswe tried tosurvive With the cash that kept us afloat.

Johnny Cash (or his alter ego)

Sang only his songs for us And just as the boat Was about toland

The boat turned into a bus And the sky to a flock of eagles.

Gold Man Gets His Girl

Gold man hit the roof

As she went flying out of bounds; Showed him things he hadn't seen Since he'd been off the grounds

Cyanide for sweets

And a bomb as coca cola, Pizza,icecream, almost sex, Easy girl, wohooah there!

Easy girl, slow down, he thought Don't cause such a stink, Show them all how tough you are And let the others think.

Disaster Twins

They were dangerously in love, them 2, Couldn't keep em apart, but They met on the days of disasters.

July7was the first planned date They took it from there Next stop 9-11.

They could meet in between, But it wasn’t allowed, Not as good.

The terrible, inevitable result? Holy Union on Xmas Day.

Trump Card

I saw all the diamonds But only one heart. We used spades to plant Our blackberry bushes In straight lines.

Flushed, from behind my ear, I pulled out the trump card, the joker, And whispered softly in your Young ear, come, the Rainbow’s near.