Funny Business - Nick Fisk

Funny Business Nick Fisk

First published by Square Books, 2016 This, second edition, published 2022 Cover illustration, a section of “The Chavant-Garde”

by Naive John reproduced by very kind permission of the artist (copyright retained)

Also by Nick Fisk: Futurist Pure Diamonds Rushin’ on Diamonds

Diamonds & Dragons Daimunz R 4E4 5x4x5x4+1 Departure Lounge 25 Departure Lounge 58 20 Futurist ii For more information, please see www.purepoetry.co.uk Also, author’s blog https://www.fiskbook.com

Printed by: Ravenstat Ltd, 103 Bute Street, Cardiff Bay, CF10 5AD

*please note, since the first edition of this book, the Rainbow Casino, Cardiff has now permanently closed

Contents 1

Tell

2

Settling for Second Best

3

Funny Business

4

The Unemployed Dogs

5

Cath ar y Lleuad

6

She Walked Out the Door

8

The ADS

9

Flowers

10 Make Up 11 Tables Turned 12 Size of the Soul 13 Post Brexit Establishment 14 Armed up sending messages of love 15 Rich Witch 16 Luna Trix 17 Luna Sea 18 Gold Man Gets His Girl 19 Disaster Twins 20 Trump Card

Tell

Sometimes you can just tell, eg.

If someone's decorating (see paint on clothes); If someone's bluffing (This one more tricky, and can get one into trouble).

Can you tell a liar?

What do you tell a liar?

Should you give them a good telling off?

Or let them off With maybe just a smacked bum.

1

Settling for Second Best I realised Miss World was a little Out of my league So I settled for little Miss Wales.

Her dad was a second hand car salesman So we sealed the deal over a handshake.

I drove off in triumph With little Miss Wales excitedly Eating her hair in the passenger seat As she was wan to do.

2

Funny Business After she'd said, ‘You’ll be lucky” And I promised there'd be no funny business We headed off, the two of us clowns Vowing to enjoy ourselves at least And at least the sun shone; The radio played our favourite hits.

Then at the card table, I was hitting flops Left, right and centre.

Just to be with my favourite Person meant the world.

And now in the casino, Daft Punk's “Get Lucky” rang out.

Funny business bagged up like Baggio, I was the luckiest of the lot.

3

The Unemployed Dogs Most dogs were on the sick, Even though they were pretty lively.

You could tell the ones Who were on the fiddle Cos they'd come bounding up to you In the street, even on leads.

Along with the free health services.

Free food, free board they'd get, And there was nothing much The working dogs could do about it.

They were hardly going to complain To the authorities And most of the Dog Centres Were closed down anyway There wasn't enough work To go around.

But the unemployed dogs Weren't doing any harm They were keeping a relatively low profile Most of the time.

What with cats dominating facebook, Be More Dog was the advertising slogan And let's face it, It wasn't such a bad life.

4

Cath ar y Lleuad Distance matters little with training I'd said to my poor cat As, in the rain, she went trudging out, Determined she could Make her own way back home, A whole twenty miles away.

At least she was being well Looked after – the occasional mini-Magnum – Her favourite — and all the biscuits She could eat, but I knew she missed me When my dad said she kept staring into space.

But although she might not Have been completely happy, she'd be Glad the next time she saw me, I knew that.

The biggest distance she had to keep Was between her and my mum's cat, Also taken in, a great big scowling cat now Who also knew, despite the weather, And even on clear, warm nights Walking back home by moonlight And the eyes of other cats Was an impossibility.

You only see skateboarding cats on YouTube, And 20 miles would surely smash records.

5

She Walked Out the Door She walked out the door The silly old whore Along with all her belongings.

But in no time at all He began to have longings And dreamed she'd return as before.

Sleep became tricky, His body felt shattered In truth she'd left him in tatters.

Whenever he saw her, He just couldn't believe her — His friends? She'd slept with them all.

While he was alone, She was having a ball, It was just him, the cat, and four walls.

But while the cat was a play thing, He wanted the real thing, He wanted not Treacle but hunny.

When they finally broke up, He tried not to choke up, He knew he was better than that.

If she gave me a taste, It felt like a waste Knowing she'd not be returning

6

She saw his yearning While she was out earning And for her it might have been funny.

But he was not broken yet, He won a large bet And finally he had the money.

7

The ADS The Angel Delivery Service, As you might expect, Is more than a little over-subscribed.

Rarely do they need to put sales on, Or similar incentive schemes.

Those who can do without, In many senses, Are the lucky ones.

But there are those who Simply cannot stop themselves Crying out, but just like Facebook, the ADS is too popular, The customer service department is lacking To say the least — Virtually non-existent You're better off seeking out Their rivals. jealousy is Amongst the flaws of the ADS.

8

Flowers About once an hour A man will buy flowers.

He'll have spent a quick few seconds deciding Whether to go for the pretty bunch for £5 Or the exotic looking bunch at £7.

He’ll then have been seen With slightly pained expression Disguising the pleasure and relief at making the much needed purchase Scurrying as fast as he can, Probably to conveniently parked car nearby.

Fortunately at least, The gesture is usually greeted By a gentle smile at the receiving end.

9

Make Up I went into a divorce lawyer’s To ask about a possible make up.

If I'd been a woman, I'd definitely Have worn...make-up.

I needed this make up Like Ryan Giggs’ wife needed a divorce.

I was told it might cost a lot I told them this mattered to me not a jot – I’d do whatever it would take.

So we swapped particulars, The divorce lawyer and I, Including mobile phone numbers.

Somehow or other, the divorce lawyer and I Ended up in bed together later that day.

At least for now, the make up Was off in both senses of the word.

She said goodbye with a handshake Over milkshake.

10

Tables Turned Are ex's new flames always dull as dishwater I wonder as I have the two of them back for Vodka and coke in the garden?

The three of us each tipped the table in turns With the sumptuous ex going first.

I was the only one to actually break a seat, But put simply, the vodka lasted less long Than it might have done.

We each proved in our own individual way That this was an awkward moment And that plans made by mere mortals For an afternoon tea party, Or at least one involving spirits, Are, as they say, necessarily flawed.

11

Size of the Soul Let the shrink shrink me Shrink me to the smallest possible thing So there is barely nothing Left of me but my being But let them not take my soul.

Let them take my brain But let them not take my soul For however much they may wish to, They cannot.

May they make me fake A fake being Everything taken But like a snowflake, unique, May they not take my beautiful being.

12

Post Brexit Establishment Tom Hingley The Stone Roses The Labour Party China Love Absolute Radio The Meek

> > > > > > >

Kylie Minogue Coldplay The Conservative Party America Money Radio 1 The Earth

13

Armed up sending messages of love Hats off to the wives who stick by Their men, out at sea, doing some Of the hardest work to bring back a ransom.

Hats off to her royal imaginary highness Who thinks it's fine to keep using weaponry (And there's no surprise here) such as You're paranoid; I have an army of back up; I have all the money in the world; You don't know who I am Which roughly translated means: I feel lonely; I need friends; I've lost a small fortune; You know what I'm like so don't go on about it.

14

Rich Witch We fed the witch tokens Us blokes The witch had secured A niche market She nicked from the poor And rich alike She stole facebook likes From poor kids Who’d only just opened accounts.

She rendered their statuses Obsolete so the poor kids Deleted them in the end.

She drove men round the bend Save for your Hilary Benn types Clever guys who Had more political wherewithal Saw past all the nonsense To secure better futures.

15

Lunatrix I haven't seen your luna tricks For what seems like forty years.

For all the men who built these bricks, I'd box them round the ears.

For all the men that came before And all the men still coming, I shut the door and shouted out — Brookes, go take your bumming!

I thought about a dream of sex, A tree with 400 million apples.

I wiped my ears of ear wax So I too could have a sample.

Call the doctor, call the nurse, Call the bloody lawyer. In the end, My No.1 man sorted me for lager.

I met him in a nice old pub And drove straight back to Gabalfa.

16

Luna Sea We set out to sea, You and me On a beautiful pearl shaped boat.

The hills were alive As we tried to survive With the cash that kept us afloat.

Johnny Cash (or his alter ego) Sang only his songs for us And just as the boat Was about to land The boat turned into a bus And the sky to a flock of eagles.

17

Gold Man Gets His Girl Gold man hit the roof As she went flying out of bounds; Showed him things he hadn't seen Since he'd been off the grounds — Cyanide for sweets And a bomb as coca cola, Pizza, ice cream, almost sex, Easy girl, wohooah there!

Easy girl, slow down, he thought Don't cause such a stink, Show them all how tough you are And let the others think.

18

Disaster Twins They were dangerously in love, them 2, Couldn't keep em apart, but They met on the days of disasters.

July 7 was the first planned date — They took it from there Next stop 9-11.

They could meet in between, But it wasn’t allowed, Not as good.

The terrible, inevitable result?

Holy Union on Xmas Day.

19

Trump Card I saw all the diamonds But only one heart.

We used spades to plant Our blackberry bushes In straight lines.

Flushed, from behind my ear, I pulled out the trump card, the joker, And whispered softly in your Young ear, come, the Rainbow’s near.

20