savage love Get It? Got It? Good Dear Dan: I’m a 21-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:(1) My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone bitches at me for hating the word “lesbian.” Can’t I call myself gay? (2) I’m a really kinky person. I’ve been sexually active BY and into BDSM since I was 16. I DAN have a large toy collection, and many of the toys are dildos and S AVA G E anal plugs. I like anal a lot. The thought of vaginal doesn’t interest me, so I’ve never gone there. I’ve read that breaking the hymen can hurt and that scares me, even though I enjoy being flogged and scratched. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with what works for me? Good Gay Girl Dear GGG: (1) Everyone’s entitled to their opinions and preferred labels. And friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without it being mistaken for bitching. (2) “Tearing the hymen doesn’t always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity,” says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer and co-author of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. “Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience.” But first, Herbenick recommends a trip to your female-friendly sex-toy shop. “If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum,” Herbenick says, “it would be wise to get a new vagina toy.” And if you’re broke, she says, “Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina.” If you decide vaginal penetration isn’t for you, that’s a preference to which you’re entitled. Dear Dan: A guy mentioned that a girl once accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but the thought of puking in a sexual scenario is unappealing. Does this revoke my GGG card? Pleasing Upchucking=Kinky Extremism? Dear PUKE: Let’s revisit my original definition of GGG: “GGG stands for good, giving and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything — within reason.” Some kinksters skip past the “within reason” part when discussing kinks with vanilla partners. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding 32
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that your partner have sex with other people — all of that falls under the FTF, or “fetish too far,” exclusion, which you’ll find in the fine print of your GGG card. Dear Dan: I’m a 20-year-old female college student living with my 23-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been dating for two years, and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido. He says I don’t want to have sex with him, when we have sex four times a week, and I’m happy to give him head, jerk him off or take off my clothes anytime he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he’s immediately horny and gets cranky when I say no. I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I’ve started telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines first about how I “never” want to have sex. My body can’t take it every day. My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny Dear MBIIH: You’re not trying to be GGG; you are GGG. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand or appreciate what it’s like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him get it: “You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,’ you wouldn’t want to have ‘sex’ more than four times a week, either.” (I’m putting “sex” in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as only “vaginal intercourse.” Oral, hand jobs and visuals-with-a-partner all count as sex.) If that doesn’t do the trick, buy him a dildo roughly the same size as his dick. Tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants as long as he fucks his own first, while you watch, for at least 20 minutes. That might help him appreciate how good he’s got it. Dear Dan: Never heard of you until a year ago. I’m into “ball busting” — getting slapped or kicked in the nuts — but my wife was never willing. I did something stupid and saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first. You probably don’t hear this from conservative Christian Republicans in red states very often, but my sense of honor requires it of me: Thank you for saving my marriage. This “GGG” concept of yours transformed our marriage — it also led my wife to discover or open up about her kink. We’re happier than ever. Busted and Loving Life Supremely Dear BALLS: You’re welcome, and all I ask in return is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal? Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net