savage love Out and About Dear Dan: Thank you for your advocacy of monogamishy. (Monogamishness?) When I fell in love with my gloriously kinky and GGG wife several years ago, we were honest about our wide-ranging sexual desires and we negotiated an arrangement that works for us. We encourage each other’s outside crushes — we just want to be present while one of us is banging that outside crush. Your column gave us the tools to talk with other potentially kinky folks. Our question: When one is staying at a hotel, what is the protocol for engaging in sheetstaining activities? Is it better to cover the bed in towels and stain them? Are dirty sheets all in a day’s work BY for the housekeeper, or should we refrain from such activities DAN in hotel rooms? We don’t want S AVA G E to make the housekeeping staff miserable — we always leave a tip for the maid — but we don’t want to refrain from sex just because my wife is on her period. Sheets Tarnished After Intense Nooky Dear STAIN: You’re welcome for monogamishamy. I’m delighted that it helped you two negotiate encounters with “outside crushes.” I trust that you both strive to make those encounters as rewarding for them as for you two. If you’ve booked a hotel room, there’s always the option of bringing your own santorum- and/ or menstrual-blood-colored or -stained towels. But if you don’t bring towels from home? “Mess up the sheets, please,” said the head of housekeeping at the hotel where I was staying when your question arrived. (I won’t name her or the hotel.) “We bleach the holy heck out of those sheets, and it’s easier to get stains out of sheets than towels. And sheets cost less to replace — at least ours do.” HOH adds, “Pull the sheets off and leave them balled up on the floor. No one goes poking in sheets left on the floor. They toss that ball in the cart and send it straight to the laundry.” Where they bleach the hell/blood/santorum out of ’em. And thanks for mentioning that you always leave a tip for the maid. Anyone who can afford a night or two in a hotel can leave a few bucks. Dear Dan: I’m a 25-year-old straight man. One of my best buddies is gay, and I’m in gay bars with him twice a week or so. (We like to drink.) What’s the correct response when I get hit on by men in gay bars? I feel bad saying, “I’m straight,” because I don’t want him to think I’m saying, “You’re disgusting.” Is it wrong to say you have a boyfriend instead of just saying you’re straight? Not Overly Concerned Lost Useless Entity Dear NOCLUE: Guys who either don’t have boyfriends or do have boyfriends but are in monoga42
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MARCH 15-21, 2012
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mish relationships will frequently say, “I have a boyfriend” to get rid of a guy they don’t find attractive. Be honest. Finding out he never had a shot at you because you’re straight is easier than having to wonder what you and your imaginary boyfriend didn’t find attractive. Some gay dudes are annoyed, but most will welcome your presence as proof that — forgive me — it gets better. Straight dudes who are secure enough in their own sexuality to be viewed as a sex object by other men is a sign of progress. For some gay dudes, it’s a small price to pay to be reminded that we live in a less homophobic world. Dear Dan: I have a super-hot, considerate, caring girlfriend with a high libido with whom I share many long-term goals. The problem is, she bugs the shit out of me. She chews with her mouth open, listens to music I dislike, swears at inappropriate times. I’m in my mid-30s and not sure what to do. Second Thoughts Dear ST: We have something in common. I once met a guy who was super-hot and caring and considerate, a guy whose libido matched my own and whose long-term goals aligned with mine, and who just so happened to bug the shit out of me. I married that motherfucker. My husband still bugs the shit out of me sometimes, just as I doubtless bug the shit out of him sometimes. LTRs are about identifying the bugs that some caring and consistent prodding can fix and accepting and finally learning to ignore the bugs that no amount of prodding will ever change. Hot, considerate, caring, similarly libidinous, and shared long-term goals make a package that doesn’t come along every day.
STRAIGHT-RIGHTS WATCH: In 2010, Americans voted Republican hoping that the GOP might know something about creating jobs. Turns out that all the GOP knows how to do is wage war on American women. The GOP’s attack on abortion morphed into an attack on Planned Parenthood that morphed into an attack on access to contraception which finally morphed into an attack on the 98 percent of American women who use or have used contraception. The GOP’s war on choice, contraception, cancer screenings, and women won’t end until the fuckers waging it are driven out of office. Go find a pro-choice Democrat who’s running for office against an anti-choice/anti-woman motherfucker and send that Dem a check or, if you live in his or her district, volunteer for that Democrat. Fight back! Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net