Parenting skills: Protecting, communicating and relating effectively with children (SOS Nigeria)

SOS CHILDREN’S VILLAGES NIGERIA

PARENTAL SKILLS: Protecting, Communicating and Relating Effectively With Children

This IPC guide is produced by SOS Children’s Villages Nigeria with support from SOS Children’s Villages Netherlands

Acknowledgement T

he Interpersonal Communication Guide for Community facilitators was developed by SOS Children's Villages Nigeria. However, we acknowledge the assistance of the Kaduna Family Strengthening Program (FSP) co-workers and the caregivers in the program communities as well as the co-workers from the other FSP locations across the country who contributed to the development, review, field testing and production of this guide. We are grateful for their immense contributions and most importantly their time and effort in seeing to the completion of this guide. The guide was developed to sensitize and educate parents on key practices in communication, protection and improving the life-skills of children under their care.

This interpersonal communication guide is made possible by the support of SOS Children's Villages Netherlands under the MFS II Family strengthening Program. The contents are the responsibility of SOS Children's Villages Nigeria and do not necessarily reflect the views of SOS Children's Villages Netherlands and the Dutch Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

Erhumwunse Eghosa National Director, SOS Children's Villages, Nigeria.

Note to Facilitators T

his interpersonal guide has been developed to support facilitators at the community level in delivering practical capacity building sessions to parents and guardians of children being supported directly and indirectly through the family strengthening programme (FSP). Thus, it may be best to facilitate the sessions when caregivers can be accessed in groups such as during the Village Savings and Loans Association (VSLA) meetings when a sizeable number of these people meet. For example, participants (VSLA members) can simply be taken through one of the sessions after savings are made or on dedicated days agreed upon by the VSLA. If a session proves to be too long, the facilitator can simply stop in the middle and pick up where he/she left off during the next meeting. That is, each card session can be extensively discussed in a minimum of two (2) meetings and a maximum of four (4) meetings.

The sessions do not necessarily have to be delivered in the same order as they are in this guide. If the participants have a desire to learn about a particular topic, by all means start with that topic. However, if possible, try to deliver the sessions according to the sequence in which they are arranged. This is because the sessions were designed to increase awareness and motivation on the part of the participants to provide non-material care and support to the children under their care.

However, the sessions 1 and 2 of this guide was taken from materials developed by the Regional Psychosocial Support Initiative (REPPSI) whilst the other parts were adapted from the Community Based Care for Orphans and Vulnerable Children program facilitators guide for the MFS II Family Strengthening Program (FSP) by Ayodele Temitope Iretiayo, Program Manager-Kaduna, SOS Children's Villages Nigeria. Thus, efforts were made to ensure that these sessions are interactive and enjoyable for the participants to enable the absorption of the lesson materials as much as possible.

Before facilitating the sessions, make sure you review the module under the relevant session of this guide, several days beforehand. Many of the sessions will require you to have some basic materials such as sort cards and flip chart papers.

Translations from English to the local language will also need to be made. Request these materials from the organization that is supporting you.

Nwakaudu Mark National Family Strengthening Program Co-coordinator, SOS Children's Villages Nigeria.

Table of Contents Session 1: Motivating parents and guardians to provide quality material care and support to children Module 1.1: Difficult times affect our families and our relationships Module 1.2: Old ways and new ideas Module 1.3: Important parenting practices

Session 2: Ensuring effective communication between parents/guardians and children under their care Module 2.1: Listening and talking to children correctly Module 2.2: My House Module 2.3: What children need to build strong houses?

Module 2.4: What do life-skills mean in children's lives?

Module 2.5: How do children learn life skills?

Session 3: Correcting Children effectively Module 3.1: Stopping bad behavior using the “time-out� technique Module 3.2: Getting children to do things by giving them choices, establishing routines and praises Module 3.3: Disciplining teenagers and preparing them for adulthood

Session 4: Children's Rights (United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child)

Annex 1: Good and bad practices for disciplining teenagers (with supplementary points)

Annex 2: Examples of Children's Rights (United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child)

Difficult times affect our families and our relationships

Card 1A

SESSION 1:

MOTIVATING PARENTS AND GUARDIANS TO PROVIDE QUALITY MATERIAL CARE AND SUPPORT TO CHILDREN

Module 1.1: DIFFICULT TIMES AFFECT OUR FAMILIES AND OUR RELATIONSHIPS Purpose: To help participants see how issues such as diseases, death, crises, displacement and migration have placed stress on family and community structures.

Facilitation steps: 1. Show the participant pictures CARD 1A. 2. Ask the following questions and give participants time to respond to and discuss each. ?

What is happening in the picture? ?

What were our families like in the past? ?

What has caused this change? (good or bad) ?

How has it affected relationships with children, within respective families and among families in the community?

Tips: Divide participants into smaller groups of 5-7members to generate discussions.

Concluding comment: “We are all connected to each other: when our family and community are affected by change, it will also affect how we relate with our children and how our children relate to us. As a community, we want to develop ideas about how all of us can cope with these changes and keep our families and community strong”-

Card 1A

Old ways and new ideas

Card 1B

SESSION 1:

MOTIVATING PARENTS AND GUARDIANS TO PROVIDE QUALITY MATERIAL CARE AND SUPPORT TO CHILDREN

Module 1.2: OLD WAYS AND NEW IDEAS Purpose: To recall effective traditional parenting approaches that looks at useful ways in which communities supported children and families in the past.

Steps: ? Ask participants to observe Card 1 B ? Divide participants into three (3) different groups to discuss the following: Group 1: The type of relationship that was developed with parents/guardians including what was good or not good about some experiences, growing up.

Group 2: Traditional practices during participants' childhood that: (a) Protected children (b) Gave them rules/guidance about growing up Group 3: Recall scenarios/experiences of what happened to children who had no one to look after them during participants childhood years Tips: 1.

Divide participants into smaller groups to discuss.

2.

List things the smaller groups feel we should retain about traditional parenting practices.

3. a. b. c.

Discuss with larger group and note responses after finding out: Whether or not we need to parent children who are not our own with reasons provided.

Things that make it difficult to parent children who are not biologically ours and what we can do.

The kind of issues young people face that could make parenting difficult and how they can be dealt with.

4.

Summarize the noted feedback on useful ways of parenting that meets today's challenges of raising children and helping families.

Card 1B

Important parenting practices

Card 1C

SESSION 1:

MOTIVATING PARENTS AND GUARDIANS TO PROVIDE QUALITY MATERIAL CARE AND SUPPORT TO CHILDREN

Module 1.3: IMPORTANT PARENTING PRACTICES Purpose: To identify specific ways of parenting children and caring for those in need in our communities.

Steps: 1. Ask participants the good parenting practices they can see in Card 1C? 2. Divide participants into 2 groups to focus their discussions on PROTECTION, UNDERSTANDING, ENCOURAGEMENT and COMMUNICATION. Group 1: Traditional/Old practices in relation to the “capitalized” words above.

Group2: How parents now approach and respond to new challenges encountered in relation to the “capitalized” words 3. Have each group present to the larger group 4. Divide participants into 4 new small groups to further discuss: (a) What we need to protect our children from (b) Steps in protecting our children. (c) Steps in encouraging and showing understanding. (d) Steps in communicating effectively Facilitation Tips: 1.

Mix-up the smaller groups often to allow for dynamism.

2.

Ensure that when summarizing: On PROTECTION, Adults need to protect children from: i.

Stigma, sexual, physical and emotional abuse. ii.

Losing their property rights and family structures, being separated from their siblings by: a.

Listening to them, giving them the permission to say “NO” if an adult or older child tries to hurt them. b.

Defending the Child's need for education, shelter and freedom from exploitation.

Adults can also better UNDERSTAND Children by: i. Putting themselves in the Child's shoes (empathy), ii. spending quality time with the child daily, iii. giving the child time to play and be with friends iv. Inviting children to share their problems with the family.

Adults can ENCOURAGE children by: i. Praising Children when they do well, ii. telling the child to be hopeful about the future, iii. showing the child that you (parent or caregiver) believe in his/her ability to solve problems and cope with life's challenges iv. Encouraging children's effort in school and home tasks.

Adults can COMMUNICATE better with children by: i. Making sure children understand the reason for actions and that actions have consequences, ii. speaking in kind tones and words, iii. being clear with words about expectations iv. not shouting,

Card 1C

Listening and talking to children correctly

Card 2A

SESSION 2:

ENSURING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS/GUARDIANS AND CHILDREN UNDER THEIR CARE

Module 2.1: LISTENING AND TALKING TO CHILDREN CORRECTLY Purpose: To enable participants develop the knowledge and skills on how to communicate by talking and listening effectively to the children under their care.

Facilitation Steps: 1. Divide the participants into four (4) small groups and assign each of the pictures in card 2 A to the groups.

2. Request that each group identifies whether the practice seen is “good” or “bad” and also mention other similarly good and bad practices.

3. Request each group to prepare and present one (1)short role-play each that clearly displays good and bad listening and talking practices to a child.(one adult and child character per play) 4. Invite the other participants to point out which practices the role- play demonstrated particularly well.

Tip: One way to communicate with children and young adults is by using 'feeling' language or “I” statements – a way of expressing how you feel about a situation without placing blame or drawing defensive argumentative responses from the child or teenager.

“I” statements are made up of three parts: ? When… (describe the person's behavior) ? I feel…(describe your feeling) ? Because… (describe the effect the behavior has on you or others) Note: Participants should be paired and asked to come up with four (4) situations when a child does something wrong to enable them practice using the “I” statement in their local lingua.

Concluding Comment: “Children develop their own self- worth, how you feel about them and increase their confidence from how you communicate with them. This particularly includes how we listen and talk with them. Using the “I” statements also helps to open communication with the children you are caring for and build a better relationship with them. They allow you to communicate your disapproval to the child or youth without blaming or putting them down”

Card 2A

My house

1

2

ASSERTIVENESS

NAL PERSO INTERTIONSHIP RELA

EMPATHY

CONCERN FOR OTHERS

PROBLEM SOLVING

COPING WITH STRESS

GOAL SETTING

ION DECISING MAK BILITY TOR TIVE CREAKING THIN

A T PEE RESISSSURE PRE

NG TIATI NEGONDSHIP FRIE

H CRITIC WIT G N A I N THINK L COP OTIO ING EM

Card 2B

SESSION 2:

ENSURING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS/GUARDIANS AND CHILDREN UNDER THEIR CARE

Module 2.2: MY HOUSE Purpose: To support participants in brainstorming on different life skills and appreciating their individual differences.

Facilitation Steps: 1. Divide the participants into four groups and request that they study the pictures in card 2B respectively, discuss and come up with life skills that have been most important in their life, why those skills are so important and how they were taught the skills.

2. Have them present their findings to the large group by drawing a house made with bricks. Record the example of life-skills provided by the groups on a flip chart paper on each brick that makes up the house. At the same time, have a member of each group tell a story of how a specific life skill has been helpful in his/her life.

3. Complement the presentation by giving additional examples of life skills such as: ? Decision making ? Goal setting ? Problem solving ? Coping with stress ? Coping with emotion ? Negotiating friendship ? Interpersonal relationship ? Empathy (concern for others ? Critical thinking ? Creative thinking ? Being able to resist peer pressure ? Assertiveness

? ? ? ?

Note: Be clear in explaining that life skills are different from skills such as: Technical skills, e.g. knowing how to mix cement Health skills, e.g. knowing how to brush one's teeth Livelihood skills, e.g. knowing how to farm or run a business Learning skills, e.g. knowing how to read and study

Concluding comment: “When we have the life skills that we need, it is like living in a well-built house. Our strong house can stand out to the sun, the wind and the rain. There are important skills that all individuals need to have in order to cope with daily demands of life. Thus, “Skills” are the ability to do things but “Life skills” gives us the ability to respond to the struggles of life in effective ways.”It is the role and responsibility of parents and caregivers to impact life skills to their children because with life skills, we can stand up to most things in our lives and survive.”

Card 2B

What children need to build strong houses

A

B

Card 2C

SESSION 2:

ENSURING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS/GUARDIANS AND CHILDREN UNDER THEIR CARE

Module 2.3: WHAT CHILDREN NEED TO BUILD STRONG HOUSES Purpose: To support the participants in understanding ways they can help children develop life skills.

Facilitation steps: 1. As a follow-up to the previous module, divide the participants into four groups. On a piece of flip chart paper let them draw a house with the life skills they want children to have. Write these life skills on the bricks or on a different part of the house.

2. Have them present their findings to the large group and record the life skills they mention under the following five headings: Communication and Relationship skills: ?

To talk and listen to another person

?

To share their problems and worries with another person so their burdens are lighter and they are happier

?

To share with others and care for others

?

To work together with others to achieve a common goal

Confidence and self-esteem: Children need to build their confidence and self-esteem by: ?

Valuing themselves

?

Believing and trusting in themselves

?

Believing in them even when others say they are bad or wrong.

?

Knowing their strength and weaknesses

?

Learning to stand on what they believe

? Learning to recognize when they need help and how to ask for help (Refer to Card 2B) Decision- making: Children need to learn to make decisions by: ?

Considering the consequence if they decide on a certain course of action

?

Making up their own minds

?

Thinking through a number of options and selecting the one that will produce the best result for the given situation

Conflict Resolution: Children need to learn how to resolve conflict: ?

Working through differences with people in a friendly way e.g Using the “I” Statement. (Refer to tips in lesson 2A)

? By avoiding and controlling angry, violent, destructive situations with others Goal setting: Children need to be able to set goals for their future by: ?

Having a goal for the present or the future and to be able to take the necessary steps to achieve this.

?

Being clear about things they want to achieve in life.

Concluding statement: “When we (as parents and caregivers) show the examples of the life-skills we want our children to emulate through our interactions with others, they will learn faster and more easily.”

Card 2C

What do life skills mean in children's lives?

Card 2D

SESSION 2:

ENSURING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS/GUARDIANS AND CHILDREN UNDER THEIR CARE

Module 2.4: WHAT DO LIFE SKILLS MEAN IN CHILDREN'S LIVES? Purpose: To help participants understand the importance of life skills in children's lives Facilitation steps: 1. Divide the participants into five (5) groups of six persons each. Assign each group a particular life skill, and request that they prepare a role play to illustrate what happens when children lack specific skills in the following order: Group 1- communication: Illustration of what happens when a child and adult fails to communicate. (Refer to Pic 2Dv) Group 2- Building confidence and self-esteem: Illustration of what parents and caregivers sometimes do to destroy confidence and self- esteem of children. (Refer to Pic 2D ii & 2D iv) Group 3- Decision making: Illustration of children in a child headed household struggling to make a decision (Pic 2Diii) Group 4- Resolving conflict: Illustration of what happens when a child who heads a household struggles to resolve conflict (Pic 2Di) Group 5- Goal setting: Illustration of what happens to a child who has no goal for his/her life.

2. The role play should be 3 minutes each. Allow for brief comments after each role-play.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Additional Facilitation tip: After the role-play from each group, show the participants picture 2.Di, and explain the following: “This picture shows a child headed family. The parents have died leaving the children with few assets. One of the relatives, an uncle, is demanding for their house because it used to belong to his brother who died. The oldest child is a boy aged 17. The other children are 14, 8 and 2 years old.

The children do not want to give their house away. This relative- the uncle- continues to bother them about giving their house to him.”

Ask for five volunteers, and help them to develop a role-play about how this situation can be resolved among the children and their relatives, showing the life skills that are needed to solve this problem. Ensure that many of the life skills that have already been discussed are used.

As the five (5) volunteers are preparing their role-play, have the other participants meet in group of 7 and discuss what they will do if they were the children or adults in that situation. They can look back to the picture (2Di) for reference.

When the five volunteers are ready to present the drama, have them present it. Afterwards, invite people from the audience to come forward to play the children and role-play their ideas on how to improve the situation.

Ask the following discussion questions: ? What life skill do you see the children use in the role-play? ? What other life skill do the children need in this situation? ? Are there children you know who have similar problems in your community?

Concluding statement: “Our children face many challenges in life: How to get help when they need it and how to make decisions when the parents are absent or have died. Some challenges are the same as the one's we grew up with, and some are different. If we make sure our children have the life skills they need to grow up, then they can respond to the challenges of life, perhaps even better than we did”

Card 2D

How do children learn life skills?

Card 2E

SESSION 2:

ENSURING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS/GUARDIANS AND CHILDREN UNDER THEIR CARE

Module 2.5: HOW DO CHILDREN LEARN LIFE SKILLS? Purpose: To encourage participants in thinking about how they learned life-skills and ways in which they could teach children similar skills.

Facilitation steps: 1. Divide participants into 2 sub- groups of eight (8) to fifteen (15) people each.

2. Have each group brainstorm the following questions for a minimum 10mins respectively: ? How did you learn the important life skills to succeed in life? ? In what ways do children learn?

3. Ask each group to share their ideas and responses with the large group.

? ? ? ? ?

Additional tips: make sure to mention that children learn through: Observation Imitations Direct Experience Play Being taught by adults, peer groups, the media, etc.

Facilitation step 2: 1.

Divide the participants into smaller groups with each group of 4 persons each, choosing a life skill that they want to teach a person of 18 years or younger. It could be a life skill that was important to them when they were growing up.

2.

Each group should prepare a role-play not longer than 5 minutes. One person plays the child under 18years; the other plays the role of adults or youth who help the child to learn an important life skill.

3.

After each presentation, discuss the following questions with the larger group: ? What life skill did each role play illustrate? ? How did they teach the child the life skills? ? What approaches/method worked? ? How would you know that the child learned the necessary life skill?

Concluding Comment: “In life, teaching a person a life skill may take one meeting or several meetings. It can be done anywhere and be taught in any way. It can take a long time to teach or a very short time. While children can already manage many life challenges of life, they depend on adults for guidance.�

Card 2E

Stopping bad behavior using the “time out� technique

1

2

4

3

Card 3A

SESSION 3:

CORRECTING CHILDREN EFFECTIVELY

Module 3.1: STOPPING BAD BEHAVIOR USING THE “TIME OUT” TECHNIQUE

Purpose: To enable the participants learn an effective technique to stop bad behavior without having to hit or yell at the child or children Facilitation steps: 1.

Ask for four (4) volunteers to conduct a role play. One volunteer is the parent/guardian while three (3) others are siblings playing happily until one hits the other. Call scene to an end.

2.

Ask the participants whether the parent should punish the child that hits the other and if so, how?

3.

After responses have been noted, explain the following to the participants: “In this session, we are going to learn about effective techniques for stopping bad behavior. It is useful if we can think of two types of behavior when it comes to disciplining children between the ages of 2years to 12years: ?

Stop Behavior- these are behavior we want children to stop such as whining, hitting, talking back or other specific challenges.

?

Start Behavior- these are behaviors we want children to do but which they resist doing. e.g doing their homework and

household chores.

“This session will focus on the first type of behaviors- stop behaviors. In particular we are going to look at how to stop a child's bad behaviors without having to hit or yell at them. The technique we are going to learn is called “Time Out”.

4.

Have the three volunteers come back to the front of the room using the picture code 3A as a guide. They should reposition themselves as they were when the child just hit the other child. Instruct the parent to take the child who just hit the sibling firmly, but not forcefully, by their arms and bend down to their level, so that their eyes are on the same plane and eye contact is made. The parent should now say the following to the child in firm voice, but without yelling or displaying anger. ?

Do not hit your sister (or brother). Hitting is very bad because it hurts other people. If you do that again, I will send you to

Time Out zone for the same period of time- again. Repeat this until they are ready to apologize and behave.

Many children will scream and yell in the Time Out zone. Just let them do this.

5.

and a role-play where the parent or guardian attempts to stop the bad behavior using the Time Out method.

sit in the corner of the room facing the wall. ?

Tell the children to continue playing, but have the child hit the other child again.

?

The parent should now intervene and take the other child to the corner of the room and have him sit facing the wall.

?

The parent should explain to the child (ren) that they are being punished because he or she hits their sibling the second

time.

Additional Tips for practicing “time out” effectively.

“The “Time Out” technique in practice is used to stop younger children between the ages of 2 to 12 from behaving badly. For it to be effective, you should do the following: ?

Think of a good “Time Out” space in your home. This could be a corner of a room, a room in the house, or a “naughty” chair

Have participants work in groups of 3members each coming up with a situation where a child is misbehaving After they have developed their role plays, each person in the small group should take turns being the parent and issuing the naughty child or children with warnings.

6.

As the groups are developing their role plays, make sure each group is demonstrating the proper methodimmediately after the child misbehaves.

7.

Have each small group to present their short role-play to the plenary.

Concluding Comments: ?

undertaking bad behavior- hitting, shouting, whining, talking back etc.

or mat somewhere in the house. Any of these ideas can work, but what is important is that the child should be taken away from the situation where he/she did the bad behavior. The child should be isolated from others. ?

? ?

?

It may sound too good to be true, but the Time Out method will work if applied properly and

When the child is engaging in a bad behavior such as hitting, yelling, or talking back, take the child firmly by the arm, bend

consistently. It would do more harm to use it sometime when the child is hitting and not in others. In

down to their level and look them directly in the eyes, explain to them that the behavior is bad and why it is bad and then

addition, the child should be issued with a warning, so that they could be given a second chance to

warn them that if they do it again they will go to a naughty space.

correct their wrong behavior. Some children may resist the attempts to stop their bad behavior, and

If the child continues the bad behavior- for example, hits his sister again after being warned 4 minutes before- the child

will continue doing it even after being warned and sent to the Time Out. However, eventually they will

should be sent immediately to the naughty corner, mat, chair, or room. Parents should not argue with or yell at child.

wane down and stop the bad behavior because they will not want to be sent off to be on their own.”

The amount of time the child should spend in “Time Out” is one minute for each year of the child's ages. For example, if the child is 2, he should be in the Time Out for 2 minutes, and he or she is 10years old, this should be 10minutes.

?

The Time Out is very effective in stopping children between the ages of 2years to 12years from

After the 'Time Out' is up, ask if the child is ready to apologize and behave. If the child says yes, and apologizes, hug them and allow them leave the Time Out zone. However, if he or she refuses to apologize and behave, he/she should stay in the

?

The Time Out method can also be used when not at home- you just need to be creative when coming up with your Time Out space. For example, if you are travelling in a bus with your child it could simply be by turning the child around and having them face the back of seat.

Ask the participants for other examples.

Card 3A

Getting children to do things by giving them choices, establishing routines and praise

Card 3B

SESSION 3:

CORRECTING CHILDREN EFFECTIVELY

Module 3.2: GETTING CHILDREN TO DO THINGS BY GIVING THEM CHOICES, ESTABLISHING ROUTINES AND PRAISE

Purpose: To support the participants in learning effective techniques that will get children to do the right things that they resist doing. We call this behavior-“Start behavior” Facilitation steps: 1.

Ask for two volunteers to partake in a role play. One, a parent and the other, a child with the parent trying to get the child to do his homework but he/she (child) resisting.

2.

After the role play is presented, ask participants if Time Out method could be useful to get the child to do his or her homework. If the answer is YES, get them to explain why. If NO, get them to explain the reasons for their answer. Initiate further responses by asking participants what they would do if the child simply agreed to go to his or her room or sit in the corner rather than doing the homework OR if the child out rightly disobeyed the directive? Document the responses.

Additional Facilitation tips: Ask participants what the responses could be if a parent changed the directive “Do your homework” to a question such as “Do you want to do your homework on the kitchen table or on the desk outside?” Explain that there would likely be less resistance because turning directives into choices take the pressure out of the request and allows the child feel in control. This makes the child more willing to comply.”

More examples are: ?

“Do you want to run to bed or hop like a rabbit”- could be used when you are trying to get the child to go to bed.

?

“Do you want to listen to the radio for 5 minutes or 10”- could be used when you want the child to turn off the radio.

?

“What do you want to do first, clean your room or wash the dishes?”- could be used when you want the child to both

3.

wash the dishes and clean his or her room. ?

Divide the participants into groups of 5 to 8 members per group. Ask them to come up with 4 situations where a child could resist doing something.

For each situation, they should come up with a good way of how a parent or guardian could still request the child to do the activity but by doing so, still allows the child have some choice on how it gets done. Have the groups present the result of their work to the larger group.

4.

Note: The behaviors that we want our children to do regularly- such as making their beds, washing the dishes, cleaning the toilet and so forth are called CHORES. ?

Chores are important and make children learn responsibility. Even children as young as 2 years can help out in the

Divide the participants into 5 small groups. Assign each of the group one of the following age groups: i.

2-3 years old

ii.

4-5 years old

iii.

6-8 years old

iv.

9-12 years old

v.

13-17 years old

Request each group to brainstorm a list of chores they believe children in the age group they have been assigned to, can perform and how they could be formed as routine.

5.

Have each group make presentations to the other participants. Invite questions and comments after each presentation.

house. ?

In setting chores, it is better to make it a matter of routine- for example, bedding should be made or put away right after getting dressed OR clearing the table should be done right after eating. The more you develop these routine, the less you have to remind your child to do them. When you do have to remind the child, it can be in a brief statement such as dish washing time.

?

Use a four (4) steps process when introducing a new chore to a child. i.

Do the chore in front of the child and explain what you are doing as you do it.

ii.

Do the chore together with the child.

iii.

Have the child do the chore while you watch

iv.

The child is now ready to do it.

Concluding comments: “Start behaviors” such as doing homework, cleaning the dishes and performing other chores require more motivation from children than “Stop behavior”. To get the child to do start behavior, the parent or guardian needs to be a skilled motivator.”

“We have learned two new tactics that can help us motivate children to do things they are not so keen to dogiving them choices and establishing routines. However, we must remember that once a child does a start behavior, it is important that we praise them for it.

Praising the child for doing their homework, helping in the home, and so forth is also a very good motivational tool.

Remember that we should praise children four (4) times more for the good

Card 3B

Disciplining teenagers and preparing them for adulthood

A

A

B

B

Card 3C

SESSION 3:

CORRECTING CHILDREN EFFECTIVELY

Module 3.3: DISCIPLINING TEENAGERS AND PREPARING THEM FOR ADULTHOOD Purpose: To support the participants learn effective ways to develop the ability of teenagers to be self-disciplined.

Open the session with the following: “Disciplining teenagers can be a challenge for parents and guardians alike. Teenagers are at the age where they are ready and able to exert their independence. However, while they want to act and be treated as adults, they are still children and need the guidance of adults. In this session, we are going to learn specific ways we can effectively provide guidance and discipline to the teenagers under our care.”

1. Divide the participants into 4 or 5 small groups. Provide each group a mixed up set of good and bad practices of Disciplining Teenagers, translated into the local vernacular (N:B: This should prepared before the session).

Also, provide each participants with two heading cards- one with the word “Good Practices” and the other with the word “Bad Practices” 2. Instruct the groups to do the two pile sort exercise: for those practices they believe are good they should put them under the good practices card heading and vice versa for those they think are bad.

3. After the groups have completed the exercise, have one group present the way they have done their sort.

Afterwards, ask the other group if they agree with the way this group have sorted the practices. Allow corrections to be made where needed. At the end, ensure that the practices are sorted as in Annex 1.

4. Divide the participants into groups of 5 to 8 members. Request that each group acts as if they are a family of three. Two (2) members of the group are adults (parents /guardian) whilst the others should be teenagers.

They should pretend that they are having a family meeting to establish rules and consequences that the teenagers have to live by. Each group should, therefore, brainstorm rules that the family should put in place that the teenagers should abide by. Make sure different rules are made for both younger and older teens. The rules should not be so many and strict, as this will not allow the teenager learn responsibility. When the final list is agreed upon, the consequences should also be agreed too.

5. Have the smaller group present their rules and consequences to the larger group. Ask the larger group if they think that each group's rules and consequences are reasonable. Why and why not?

6. Review the good practices again with the participants, and add the supplementary points as illustrated below in Annex 2.

7. Conclude the session by having all participants that are caring for teenagers make a commitment that they will hold family meetings and establish similar rules and consequences

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Disciplining teenagers Annex 1:

Good and Bad Practices for Disciplining Teenagers.

Good Practices

Bad Practices

Make sure the teenager knows the rule you have set for guiding his or her behavior, as well as the consequences of breaking them

Make sure the teenager knows the rule you have set for guiding his or her behavior, but allow the consequences of breaking them be decided later

Make sure the teenager knows the reason why you put each rules in place, as well as its consequences

Make sure the teenager does not know the reasons why you have put each rule in place, as well as its consequences

Always tell the teenager that you love them, even if they are being discipline

Only tell the teenager you love them after they have been discipline. This will make the disciplinary action serious

When a rule is broken, give the teenager a chance to talk and explain what happened and why.

Never give the teenager a chance to explain his or her self after breaking a rule.

Involve the teenager in the process Do not involve the teenager in establishing of establishing some of the rules some of the rules and the consequences of and the consequences of disobeying disobeying them. them.

Where possible, try to see that the consequences are related to the rules that are broken, for example, damaging a property could involve helping to pay for the damage.

When rules are broken by the teenager, the consequence should always be the same; for example, being not allowed to go out after school no matter what was done wrong.

The consequence for breaking a rule The consequence for breaking a rule should should never be too severe as this be very harsh to ensure that the child will will make it difficult to enforce. not commit the offence again Always wait until you and the teenager are calm before discussing the misbehavior and giving the consequence.

Make sure that the teenager’s misbehavior is dealt with right away- even if you and the teenager are angry.

In cases where the teenager misbehaves and no rules and consequences are in place that relates to the misbehavior, have the teenager work with you to put forward a solution.

In cases where the teenager misbehaves and no rules and consequences are in place the=at relates to the misbehavior, make sure you develop a harsh disciplinary measure without the teenager’s involvement.

Sometimes, allow the teenager to Develop rules to protect teenager from experience the “natural falling victim to life’s real consequences consequence” of his or her such as failing an exam. behavior, for example, doing poorly on an exam because of not studying.

Make sure that the agreed Make sure the agreed consequences are consequences are carried out unless carried out even if the teenager was unable the teenager was unable to control to control what happened. what happened Avoid disciplining and humiliating the teenager in front of his or her friends.

Where possible, discipline the teenager in front of his or her friends, the humiliation will make the discipline much more effective.

Rules should be greater in number and stricter for younger teens and less in number and less strict for older teenagers.

The rule for all teens- whether they are young or old – should be many in number and very strict.

Annex 2: Good Practices for Disciplining Teenagers

Annex 2: Good Practices for Disciplining Teenagers Good Practices 1. Make sure the teenager knows the rules you have set for guiding his or her behavior, as well as the consequences of breaking them.

Supplementary points * If the teenager knows what the rules are and the consequences of breaking them, they will have a much easier time conforming to them * Teenagers, however will try to see how they can get away with, so it is important for the roles to be consistently enforced. For example, if the consequence of coming home late is a week of being grounded, then this has to be enforced, even if there is a special event that week.

2. Make sure the teenager knows * This does not mean the teenager has the reason why you put each role to accept the reasons but he or she in place, as well as the needs to know that there are reasons consequences for the rules. * Knowing the reasons will make the teenager respect them more.

3. Always tell the teenager that you * This balance of love and discipline will love them, even when they are help you gain the teenager’s respect. being disciplined.

It will also make them understand that they are being disciplined because you care for them and want what is best.

4. When a rule is broken, give the It may not have been possible for the teenager a chance to explain child to avoid breaking the rule. what happened and why.

When the teenager feels he or she is being heard, understood, and treated fairly, they are much more likely to comply with the rules in the future.

5. Involve the teenager in This will bring about compliance to the establishing some of the rules roles and consequences because the and the consequences of teenager will have agreed to them as disobeying them. being reasonable and fair.

It also helps the teenager to mature and learn self-responsibility by enabling him or her to make decisions about how he or she will live.

They begin to see that they have more control over their lives and make choices.

6. Where possible. Try to ensure Discipline that does not fit can arouse that the consequence is the teenager’s anger or cause the child related to the rule that is to ignore the rule in the future or do broken, for example, damaging something else to anger the parent or of property could involve guardian. helping to pay for damage.

Similarly, the discipline should be unpleasant enough that the teenager does not want to experience it again.

7. The consequence for breaking This point is similar to the one above: if a rule should not be too the “punishment does not fit the crime,” severe, as this could make it this could anger the teenager and cause difficult to enforce. retaliation.

8. Always wait until you and the teenager are calm before discussing the misbehavior and giving the consequences.

Disciplining the teenager when angry will usually sound disrespectful, unkind, or like you are seeking revenge for their actions.

Good Practices 9. In cases where the teenager misbehaves and no rule or consequences are in place that relates to the misbehavior, have the teenager to work with you to put forward a solution.

Supplementary points It will be difficult to establish rules and consequences for every situation. There will be times when the teenager has clearly misbehaved but none of the official rules have been broken.

At these times, work with the teenager to describe the problem and brainstorm a possible solution. Choose a solution that you both can live with.

10. Sometimes allow the teenager to experience the “natural consequences” of his or her behavior, for example, doing poorly in exam because of not studying

It is not necessary to discipline teenagers. There are times when they can simply learn the hard way and be disciplined “naturally.”

For example, let’s say the teenager is to report home at 6:00 pm for dinner. He however, reports home at 7:00 pm. The consequences: he goes to bed hungry.

11. Making sure that the agreed consequences are carried out except the teenager was unable to control what happened.

Being serious with following through on disciplinary measures is extremely important.

If the teenager is allowed to break a rule without being punished, he or she will be less likely to take this rule or even others seriously in the future.

Consistently applying the rule and ensuring that the agreed discipline takes place when they are broken is essential.

The only exception to this however is when the teenager had no control over what happened.

12.Avoid disciplining and humiliating the teenager in front of his or her friends

13. Rules should be greater in number and stricter for younger teens than for teenager that are old.

This will only lead to bitterness and cause more rebellion.

Remember your goal is to teach-not to punish the teenager. Always respect the teenager, and treat him or her as well or better than you would treat your best friend.

As teenagers become independent, they should be given more freedom and responsibility.

Being strict with teenagers, especially as they get older, can have two negative consequences: 1) They have not been taught to be responsible and therefore become wild and engage in dangerous behaviors; or 2) They may remain emotionally dependent on their parents and guardians and find it difficult to stand on their own.

Rights/needs related to child survival

We are children, we deserve...

To live, eat good food and get good healthcare To be protected from physical, emotional and sexual harm To be educated, cared for and develop to our fullest potentials To participate actively in matters and decisions that concern our lives

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SESSION 4:

CHILDREN'S RIGHTS (UNITED NATIONS CONVENTION ON THE RIGHTS OF THE CHILD)

RIGHTS/NEEDS RELATED TO CHILD SURVIVAL (N:B: Part 1,3 and 5 were taken from the Regional Psychosocial Support Initiative (RESPI) Others were taken from the Community Based care for Orphans and Vulnerable Children (CBCO) programme facilitator Manual.

Examples of Children's Rights (United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child) Rights Related to Child Survival ?

Right to life and survival

?

Right to quality medical care and good health

Rights Related to Child Protection ?

Right to be registered at birth and to have a name

?

Right to a nationality

?

Right to privacy and to be protected from slander

?

Right to be free from physical and mental violence

?

Right to special protection and assistance when temporarily or permanently without a family

?

Right to be protected from economic exploitation

?

Right to be protected from work that threatens a child's health, education or development

?

Right to be protected from drugs

?

Right to be protected from all forms of sexual exploitation and abuse

?

Right to be free from torture or other cruel treatment or punishment

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Right not be forced into armed conflict if under 15 years of age

Rights Related to Child Development ?

Right to know and be cared for by one's parents if possible

?

Right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion

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Right to freedom of association and peaceful assembly

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Right to information, especially that which affects their wellbeing and development

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Right to education

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Right to rest, leisure and play

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Right to be physically and psychologically rehabilitated if victimized

Rights Related to Child Participation ?

Right for children to express their view in all matters and decisions that affects their interests

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Right to freedom of expression

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Right to enjoy one's own culture, language and religion

Reference: Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights. Convention on the Rights of the Child. General Assembly Resolution 44/28, November, 1989.

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