Sof-t Zine Issue No.1

Sof-t

By Amayiah Oates

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Mary Forgive me mother for I have sinned, I have found me in your place again.

I have repeated the cycle you had not wished for me, But I finally learned what it meant to be free.

I have done wrong, and no one can see, I am not the victim. I have chosen who I've come to be.

I deserve the pain, I deserve the hurt I deserve a broken nose, blood on my shirt.

I deserve the despair, I deserve the fear.

I deserve the pain, because he's there not here.

I am not a saint for admitting my wrongs, I am not better for writing sad songs.

I need to hurt for her because it's only right, I fucked up her trust and altered her life.

There is no place for me in hell, but lower than what we can see.

There is a place she wishes I was, and for her that's where I'll be.

Suffering and accepting, tortured and ok.

If only it is there I could stay.

But I'm here and I know There is no religion that can save me I hope for her a life that glows That's bright and for once she is free.

I'm eternally sorry.

And nothing will come from my apology.

You don't have to accept it to make me feel better.

I have to overcome me.

FMRI make it make more sense. make it logical, make it simple, make it palatable. i want to taste it, i want to taste the colors. maybe it’ll make sense then. i want to hold it, i wanted to feel that it’s real. i want to know that it’s for certain. i want someone to show me, i just want my explanation. just to internalize it. i have to live with it, every day so different than the last. just to watch it pass. to watch the colors slip away, to watch it fade, and eventually go black.

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His love was like my relationship with myself. I'd rather hurt to know that life was real than to lay lifeless in my bed. And somehow, he made both of those things happen. And for some reason, I was glad that he was hurting me. At least it was real. It wasn't all in my own head this time. But I was still hurting myself by allowing him to hurt me. He was the greatest pain of self-harm that I've ever experienced. No blade could cut that deep. No other place on my body was that tender, for it to hurt so much.

Hideaway I hate that you might relate to me. Does this mean I'm not special, by any means?

Does this mean just any fucking body could write this in their notes app? I'm not even an individual anymore. How I used to wish (and secretly do) someone could experience what I experience exactly the way that I do. But I might hate you, for being so close, getting too close, feeling so close, why the lack of space?

You don't know me. I'll push you away, but I just want to tell you, to touch something that feels the same texture as me. I barely even want to but my cameras are always rolling. Isn't being a woman said to be always performing?

Maybe I'll make a decision about this, about everything collectively, one day.

For now, I need to hideaway.

Rip it off the wall Yuck yuck yuck I hate your artwork Not because it's ugly It just makes me hurt It's that beautiful to feel its pain Maybe I'll buy it Or just remember its name Yuck yuck yuck I can't stand the sight It reminds me of something that I Felt that night It reminds me I feel And that I Am not complete I'll take it down for now Just so I can sleep

Untouched The artwork stares back at you on the wall In the gallery Hung not to fall It was created to be observed And no matter the state, it sits there complete Don't you want to touch it Since its creation Nothing can compete It cannot be compared On the wall Staring back at you And you see yourself in it You leave like everyone else must do On the wall It sits there complete You leave it there For other people to see

Naive Please don't kill my dreams, I'm just a little girl.

Naive, whole but empty, I want to see the world.

Please don't kill my dreams, she's in here somewhere.

She's laying in her best friend's lap as she's stroking her hair.

Please don't kill my dreams, I want to be in love.

I'm dreaming of something stronger than the one who loves above.

Please don't kill my dreams, I know what it's like to feel.

There's something in the water, an eel! An eel! An eel!

I just want to swim, take the sting away. I don't want to build sandcastles on the shore today. I want to go far out into the sea, but I'll miss my family if it's only me.

Please don't kill my dreams, join me out here.

We're scared but it's ok to learn to face our fears.

Affection Never right There's too much There's not enough Right person Wrong line Wrong person Right time We don't want the conversation to end We're both selfish For wanting to dedicate ourselves to each other For our own reasons It's never right.

The Foyer My mom knows me We ride along My mom knows me We sing funny songs My mom knows me I cry in her lap My mom knows me She rubs my back My mom knows me She yells out her lungs My mom knows me Our pills are the same My mom knows me She says my real name My mom knows me We scream and we fight My mom knows me She's always right My mom knows me What I think about at night My mom knows me So she holds me tight.

Home away from home/ Sleepover

I love my best friend's rooms I can stay in there for long It's where I cry I can finish a poem, write a song I love my best friend's rooms We get ready together We look out the window We predict the weather I love my best friend's rooms It feels like a hug It makes me forget About romantic love I love my best friend's rooms I can kiss their cheek They tell me I am whole They say I am complete I love my best friend's rooms I get to see their life Nothing is expected when I say, "Can I spend the night?"

Forgiveness There is no perfect time for it.

There is only the time where you receive it.

Where you give it.

Where you let go.

You may not be the person you were when you held on And that may be scary But once you forgive, you have the opportunity.

To learn, to live through love, to seek understanding as well as give it.

Forgiveness it not easy, but the work you do?

It deserves credit. You're doing the work.

It's all work- work that pays off.

Work that has value, value that you give it.

It's an act of commitment, an act of love, a vow to yourself and maybe someone or something else.

Forgive yourself, because it has worth.

No one is an expert, and that's the beauty.

It's yours, all yours.

If you can't find forgiveness today try again tomorrow.

It's waiting there for you, with open arms.

Fin