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WEEKEND EDITION
04.01.17 - 04.02.17 Volume 16 Issue 120
@smdailypress
@smdailypress
TODAY IS APRIL 1, APRIL FOOLS’ DAY. IT’S APRIL FOOLS’ TODAY. Santa Monica Daily Press
smdp.com
Rocket launches scheduled for Santa Monica Airport Hedge Wars heat up with fortification proposal
BY CORPORATE SHILL Spaced X has announced plans to relocate its launch center from the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Florida to the newly shortened runway at Santa Monica Airport. “Now that the airport runway is too short for rich people to hog it with their chartered jets, we thought it was the perfect place for private citizens to begin their vacations around the moon,” City Manager Rich Cool said in a statement sent to the Daily Press. While jets can no longer utilize the 3,500 foot runway, it is the perfect size for Spaced X’s Falcon Heavy rocket. Because of the 5 million pounds of liftoff thrust, neighbors are advised to bring any flammable patio furniture indoors during the overnight launches. “Wait – the City actually shortened the runway?” exclaimed surprised Sunset Park resident Judy Swanson, wondering what she was going to do with the extensive poster board and sharpie collection she had stocked for the next ten years of airport protests. In a nod to environmentalists, the highly combustible rocket-fuel used in the launches does not contain lead. Any rocket debris recovered in yards, atop cars or that plummets through your ceiling can be recycled with the City in exchange for a drought-resistant
BY PLAGERIZING HACK Santa Monica’s long simmering Hedge Wars have opened a new front with a proposal to allow fortified hedges along neighborhood borders. Officials expect the push for district based elections will further isolate individual neighborhoods and with many homes along the city’s northern border already functioning as fortified compounds, officials are anticipating a push from wealthy residents to further limit access. SEE HEDGE PAGE 7
Ballot measure demands losers be treated as election winners BY DEVELOPER BACKED LOBBYIST
it’s only a matter of time before folks decide a water based commute makes sense,” said Captain A. Hab, Santa Monica’s Harbor Traffic Officer. Los Angeles has been ranked as
Santa Monica’s professional complaint association wants the people that keep winning elections to know they plan to lay down the law with their latest ballot initiative. The Losers As Winners (LAW) measure would require winners of elections to adopt the positions of losing candidates. It also stipulates a ballot measure would still pass into law regardless of the election results provided enough people thought it would pass on Facebook. “We can’t let people who win elections keep behaving as if they represent a majority of voters,” said Iva Gottacomplaint from the
SEE CONGESTION PAGE 3
SEE MEASURE PAGE 6
Pho Tashop
SEE ROCKET PAGE 3
LAUNCH: A shorter runway doesn’t matter when you’re making a vertical takeoff.
City moving to prevent aquatic congestion BY NON RESIDENT INTERESTS Traffic planners have applied for a grant to install a new set of specialized traffic lights at the end of the Santa Monica Pier to prepare for an expected surge in boating traffic along the coast as a
result of land-bound congestion. The lights will provide right of way instructions for boaters looking to pass within 40 feet of the tip of the pier and will include turn-lanes for boats attempting to access the Santa Monica Pier. The new lights come with an underwater extension that
officials expect will be utilized by divers/swimmers but could be adapted to accommodate submersible craft should traffic on the surface prompt an Atlantian solution. “The reality is, you could just swim from the Marina to Malibu in less time than it takes to drive so
YOUR SANTA MONICA LUXURY REAL ESTATE SPECIALISTS
Todd Mitchell
“ Your Neighborhood is My Neighborhood.” ALPHONSOBJORN.COM 424.253.5489
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