Santa Monica Daily Press, April 01, 2014

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TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Volume 13 Issue 116

Saint Monica Daily Press

PUT DOWN THAT MEAT SEE PAGE 3

Cover yourself

THE APRIL FOOLS’ DAY ISSUE ISSUE

Daniel Wise editor@smdp.com

MAKING A MAJOR STATEMENT: Bulldozers demolished parts of the runway at Santa Monica Airport Monday rendering the popular landing strip unusable for planes.

Santa Monica Airport gets bulldozed by angry activists

BY LOCO CRAZY SIMPSON Daily Press Staff Writer

SMO All the talk about the airport is null and void, at least for now.

In a fit of rage, stoked by a rousing letter from airport critic Matty Ruben, neighbors of the Santa Monica Airport took action, bulldozing a giant trench through the middle of the tarmac late Monday night.

The trench, about 1,000 feet wide and 20 feet deep, cuts the 5,000-foot runway in half, rendering it unusable.

Unbiased Airport Commission Chair Daved Gobbarb says that the move was totally legal.

“I’ve read each agreement between City Hall and the Federal Aviation Administration at least a dozen times and there’s not a single line in there that says that we can’t put a moat smack in the middle of the runway,” he said. “Yes, the FAA does require us to continue to operate the space as an airport, so we will. We now are the largest community airport catering to amphibious aircraft.”

Neighbors often drone on endlessly about the woes of living near the noisy, polluted, unsafe airport that they knew existed before they bought their land.

Advocates of the airport rebut this argument noting that they are rich pilots and Matzoh Balls, Chicken Soup, Brisket, Chicken, and so much more!

Yoga mats, brake pads, gift cards top list of community benefits

should be allowed to do whatever they want.

The activist neighbors had no trouble gaining access to the construction equipment; city officials deliberated for 15 minutes before handing over the keys for the city bulldozer to the angry crowd.

“Our highly competent legal department devised a long-term plan that involved transferring one piece of the airport at a time over the next decade while fighting monumental lawsuits with the FAA,” City Manager Rob Goulb said in a release. “But then I was like, ‘Nah, f*** it.’”

CITY HALL Yoga mats to aid in relaxation.

Free brake pads every three months to make up for the impacts of congestion. Adult day care for aging Baby Boomers.

Those are just some of the new commu-

SEE AIRPORT PAGE 9

SEE BENEFITS PAGE 12

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What’s Up

Orca rides with Assemblymember Broom Santa Monica Pier 200 Santa Monica Pier, 10:30 a.m.

Former Santa Monica Mayor and current State Assemblymember Ricky Broom (D-Santa Monica) will be hosting free killer whale rides just off the pier. His recently announced legislation to end whale shows in California has not yet passed and so Bloom will be getting his last kicks in by bare-back riding Shamoo along the coastline. Whale steaks available at La Mare after the show.

Mock Landmark Commission meeting Santa Monica High School 601 Pico Blvd., 4:30 p.m.

High School students are invited to step into the exciting world of historical preservation. The Mock Landmark Commission will be tasked with protecting iconic classrooms from custodial intrusion.

Make the Right Move!

If not now, when?

14 years helping Sellers and Buyers do just that.

Game Show: Millionaire or homeless person Main Library 601 Santa Monica Blvd., 6 p.m.

This game show — co-hosted by homeless service providers OOPS and the Committee of Commerce — asks contestants to look at a wealthy bearded app developer in a pair of thousand-dollar ripped jeans and a kempt, tanned homeless man then try to determine which one lives in a mansion and which one lives in Reed Park. Winners get a complimentary meal at Rose Cafe and free use of whatever service that the Committee of Commerce provides.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014 Make that money 1450 Ocean 1450 Ocean Ave., 12 p.m.

Local developer Marcus Zellatto will share insights on how to game the system and develop land in Santa Monica. Free trailers to the first 10 in attendance.

Looking out Outlook Office 1755 Wilshire Blvd., 2 p.m.

Ace report Jasso Ijas will give you the lowdown on how a proper news story is written and then do the complete opposite. Ijas is best known for being a man about town and proud owner of impressive facial hair — and a cool hat.

Long walk, short pier Santa Monica Pier 200 Ocean Front Walk, 4 p.m.

Pier officials dare the public to endure a one-mile walk down the half-mile pier just to see what happens. It is recommended that you bring a towel and a change of clothes. Wetsuit optional.

In the chair with Brendon Daily Mirror HDQTRS 3685 Bundy Dr., West L.A., 8 p.m.

Watch a live taping of editor Brendon McGerron as he interviews non-noteworthy personalities from around the community. Bring a map, because you’ll have to leave the friendly confines of Santa Monica to find his office. The good news is the taping lasts just 45 seconds. No RSVP necessary. Free Vegemite sandwiches provided.

Bob-o and Bono Third Street Promenade 8 p.m.

Supervisor candidate Roberto Shrivel and his rock star BFF Bono will perform a selection of jams to help bolster Shrivel’s campaign.

Remember to bring your coins, they will be busking. Free $100 bills to the first 100 attendees.

Toby Gillias redux Main Library 601 Santa Monica Blvd., 9 p.m.

Another candidate for supervisor will be in town in support of their candidacy. Sheela Cool will be revising her character from the classic “Toby Gillias” TV show. She will be performing a one-woman show proving that she too has star power.

Bob Denver in person!!! Free Cheetos!!!!

For help submitting an event, contact Daniel Archuleta at 310-458-7737 or submit to editor@smdp.com

Inside Scoop TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Visit us online at www.smdp.com

3

COMMUNITY BRIEFS THE ‘NEWS’ ROOM

Paper wins press release award The staff of the Santa Monica Reflector was honored this week for doing what they do best: printing press releases, verbatim, without reading them.

The Society of Professional Press Release Writers handed out its most prestigious trophy, the “Publish Whatever We Tell You To” award to the Reflector at the society’s annual Gala For Hacks.

“Other papers in town are bogged down by old techniques,” said the Reflector’s editor, accepting the award.

“Readers today aren’t concerned with antique things like ‘reporting’ and ‘accuracy.’ They want to read something, anything, right away.”

The esteemed editor, who literally doesn’t own a notebook, shared his wisdom with the crowd.

“As soon as I get a press release, I hit enter,” he said.

“I read it for the first time on our website along with our readers. I spend countless hours every week spinning in circles in my swivel chair and waiting for e-mails from publicists who want to promote some washed-up celebrity.

Nothing gets me more excited than immediately publishing the made-up statistics from a media relations firm.”

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a petition seeking to do something about an issue that the Reflector couldn’t begin to explain.

Later this month, the Reflector is expected to release its new “Straight2Print” software, which will immediately publish any e-mail, cutting out the middleman and allowing the editor more time for naps.

Kevin Simpson editor@smdp.com

— LOCO CRAZY SIMPSON

BUSTED! The Santa Monica Police Department's newly-formed Meat Squad discover a ham that has recently been rendered illegal.

BROADWAY

Bikes only Broadway is now a bikers paradise.

Giving in to the two-wheel lobby that has taken City Hall by the spoke, lead traffic engineer Dan Morrissey, no, not the singer, has proposed turning the east-west arterial into a bike-only boulevard, blocking all vehicular access from either end of the city, excluding Downtown.

Cyclists have been clamoring for years for a safe, exclusive way to travel across the city where irate drivers will never be an issue.

Along the route will be extensive bike parking, public showers, air pumps and misters operational during the summer months.

It’s a pilot project, so expect it to last for three years.

Cross traffic will only be allowed during the times of 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. to cut down on collisions involving drivers and cyclists as bike riders are known to blow through stop signs and red lights.

“We thought that the liability costs to the city and the number of deaths could be greatly reduced if we made Broadway bike-only,” Morrissey said.

The transformation will begin April 7.

— SHY GIRL

YOUR OPINION MATTERS! SEND YOUR LETTERS TO

Santa Monica Daily Press • Attn. Editor: • 1640 5th Street, Suite 218 • Santa Monica, CA 90401 • editor@smdp.com

Meat banned on Mondays

BY CRAZY LOCO SIMPSON Daily Press Staff Writers

CITY HALL The national trend of Meatless Mondays are no longer an option in the city by the sea. They’re a rule.

In a 6-to-1 vote, City Council approved an ordinance that will ban possession and consumption of meat every Monday.

“Santa Monica is a progressive place and this is a progressive ordinance,” said Councilmember Keven MkCeown before the vote. “We’re not saying you have to become a vegetarian. We’re not saying you have to eat vegan on Mondays.

We’re not fascists. All we’re saying is that if you have meat in your possession when the clock strikes midnight, we will find it. We will lock you up. We will throw away the key.”

Some councilmembers supported the ordinance claiming that the killing of animals for food is unjust. Others pointed to the drought and the amount of water required to support cattle. Then there’s the power needed to refrigerate the beef and the emissions associated with it.

According to a 2006 report by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO), our diets and, specifically, the meat in them cause more greenhouse gases, carbon dioxide (CO2), methane, nitrous oxide, and the like to spew into the atmosphere than either transportation or industry.

“Yes, this may be unorthodox, but for so many reasons it’s

the responsible decision,” said Councilmember Gleem Dayviz. “In 10 years, when meat is banned everyday nationwide, I want people to look at Santa Monica and say ‘Hey, you know what? They were right.’”

The ordinance, which passed in a special session early Monday morning, went into effect immediately. The Santa Monica Police Department’s newly formed Meat Squad performed random sandwich searches on the Third Street Promenade.

“We’re checking between the bread for anything suspicious: ham, roast beef, salami,” said one Meat Squad officer.

“Most people it’s Portobello mushrooms or tofu. These people eat like rabbits with or without the law. We’ve had a couple individuals who hadn’t heard about the ordinance and we gave them warnings.”

The warnings consisted of public shamings in Ken Genser Square consisting of haggis smears to the face and jeers.

When the meat-sniffing dogs, also known as dogs, were brought in some of the more sinister violations began to surface.

“We encountered one individual with a dime bag of prosciutto,” the K-9 meat officer said. “Another guy had more than an ounce of raw sirloin so we got him on intent to barbecue.”

SEE MEAT PAGE 11

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Opinion Commentary 4

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Modern Times

Send comments to editor@smdp.com

Lloyd Garver

PUBLISHER Send comments to editor@smdp.com

Ross Furukawa ross@smdp.com

Throwing that stone Editor:

To the people of the city of Saint Monica, I beg of thee to heed my words, for I am the way, the truth and the life.

I have seen much anger in thee of late, neighbor accosting and sometimes assaulting neighbor, lovers turned enemies, all because of disagreements over development heights and densities. This is not the way.

Thou have heard the law that says, “Love thy neighbor” and hate thine enemy. But I say, love thy enemies!

Pray for those who persecute thee! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If thou love only those who love thee, what reward is there?

A new commandment I give to thee, that thou love one another, just as I have loved thee — even developers. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Schemes for structures that scrape the sky will be a constant. Accept and work daily to be more loving and understanding, then come to a mutually beneficial compromise. There’s no need to be vicious. Do to others whatever thou would like them to do unto thee. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

In the end, children of God, heights and densities, transportation demand management programs and public art, will matter not, for thee will be living with the Lord in his celestial kingdom, where there are no buildings over 20 feet or parapets because here there are only clouds. (Yet, in the realm of external torment, thee will live amongst the wedding cakes and canyons of poor design.)

Remember to be kind always, particularly when driving.

Jesus H. Christ Heaven

Reason to live Editor:

I am devastated that this storybook referendum bid has at last come to a close. Oh, how it filled my days with meaning.

I was down and out. My wife had just left me. My kids never call. Retirement wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Life lacked flavor.

Between you and me, traffic doesn’t bother me; I don’t have anywhere to drive. But I’m a human and I need feelings, feelings of rage.

I’d been reading the acid-filled letters of hate in the Daily Press and I knew something rage-worthy was going on. Perhaps City Hall was introducing cancer to the water supply.

It wasn’t until I went to my first Planning Commission meeting last year that I realized it was so much worse: office buildings — the scourge of the earth.

At last, I had permission to act in ways I hadn’t since I was in the first grade.

Surrounded by my fellow curmudgeons, I had the courage to make up facts and spread rumors. I had a reason to wake up in the morning.

My nights were now distracted by grandstanding protests and rage.

I admit, I often paced my empty million dollar home talking to myself — pretending that through some suspension of council rules I was debating the bumbling developer in front of my cheering peers at City Hall.

Other nights I looked for patterns in the staff reports, certain that they must have left some proof of their dastardly intentions.

How quickly time passed, distracted from the real agony of the human condition. How perfectly the rage masked the sadness underneath.

Sure, once the petitions are counted and officially certified there will be celebration but then the party will end and I will slump home. Alone again.

Developers, I implore you: Don’t give up. I need a reason to live.

Glen Ribbons Santa Monica

The naked truth at the beach

BY A FOUR-TO-THREE MARGIN, THE

City Council voted to make all Santa Monica beaches “nude beaches” as of July 4, 2014.

This was motivated by the powerful antismoking lobby in the city. The reasoning was that if people were naked, they wouldn’t be able to sneak packages of cigarettes onto the beaches.

Mayor Spam O’Connor, one of the dissenters, said that nude beaches would bring “the wrong element” to Santa Monica. Keb Winter shouted him down, saying that, in his opinion, “the wrong element” consists of people who smoke.

O’Connor said that people who are desperate to smoke might still sneak cigarettes onto our beaches by hiding them “on or in their bodies in places I don’t even want to think about.” Tony Vequeze got up and immediately responded tit for tat. He said, “There are no body parts that we should be ashamed of thinking about.”

Still, O’Connor proposed a measure which would make sure that beachgoers were subjected to a “full cavity search” upon arrival at the beach. Needless to say, this measure was seen as a huge invasion of privacy, and was defeated 3 to 2, while Mayor Pro Tem Teri O’Say and Devin McKunne were in the hallway, giggling.

This is how the Mandatory Nude Beach Rule will work: 1. Beachgoers must arrive at the beach completely naked. They have the option of undressing in their cars, and leaving their clothes there, driving to the beach naked, or arriving at the beach on foot, unclothed.

(Robert Holbrooks pointed out that those who drive to the beach and have leather upholstery might think twice about driving there in the nude).

2. Beachgoers may carry wallets and purses, which will be inspected upon arrival.

3. No cameras or cell phones will be allowed.

4. No gawking or staring will be permitted.

5. Beach police, vendors, and other employees will wear their traditional clothes.

6. Sunscreen with an SPF of 30 will be given free of charge to beachgoers upon arrival. A member of the Santa Monica Fire Department will happily give a few dollops of sunscreen to anyone who so desires — protecting against those painful burns.

I know what you’re thinking about this whole thing: You wouldn’t mind seeing some people at the beach naked, but there

are others whom you definitely don’t want to see in their birthday suits. You go to the beach to have fun, to relax, not to have, well, unappealing bodies thrust under your nose.

Well, for once, the council is way ahead of you. Santa Monica’s beaches will be divided into two sections: One for attractive people, and one for unattractive folks. Who will decide? There will be a least one male and one female Santa Monica employee at every entrance to the beach. They will decide who goes to which beaches. Their decisions will be final, and are not subject to appeal or plastic surgery.

EDITOR IN CHIEF Kevin Herrera editor@smdp.com

MANAGING EDITOR Daniel Archuleta daniela@smdp.com

STAFF WRITER David Mark Simpson dave@smdp.com

CHIEF PHOTOGRAPHER Brandon Wise brandonw@smdp.com

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER Paul Alvarez Jr. editor@smdp.com

Morgan Genser editor@smdp.com

SANTA MONICA’S BEACHES WILL BE DIVIDED INTO TWO SECTIONS: ONE FOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, AND ONE FOR UNATTRACTIVE FOLKS.”

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Bill Bauer, David Pisarra, Charles Andrews, Jack Neworth, Lloyd Garver, Sarah A. Spitz, Taylor Van Arsdale, Merv Hecht, Cynthia Citron, Michael Ryan, JoAnne Barge, Hank Koning, John Zinner, Linda Jassim, Gwynne Pugh, Michael W. Folonis, Lori Salerno, Simone Gordon, Limor Gottlieb, Bennet Kelly

VICE PRESIDENT– BUSINESS OPERATIONS Rob Schwenker schwenker@smdp.com

JUNIOR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE

What happens if a couple arrives at the beach, and one of them is considered “attractive,” and the other is deemed “unattractive?” It may seem cruel and unusual, but they will be sent to separate and appropriate beaches.

I brought this up to Winter saying, “Do you really think it’s right to split up couples at the beach like this?” He lowered his voice and replied, “Let’s be realistic. If there is such a disparity of looks between the two, they’re going to break up pretty soon anyway. This way, the City of Santa Monica is helping them find others in their “attractiveness category.”

I left the council meeting, shaking my head. It seemed like such a radical measure.

It was ridiculous. It was outlandish. It was nonsensical. In other words, it was like so many other things in Santa Monica.

When he isn’t busy offering to spread lotion on the backs of attractive women, Lyod Gahver can be reached at wanderingeyes@coppertone.com

Rose Mann rose@smdp.com

OPERATIONS MANAGER Jenny Medina jenny@smdp.com

PRODUCTION MANAGER Darren Ouellette production@smdp.com

ASSISTANT GRAPHIC DESIGNER Cocoa Dixon

CIRCULATION Keith Wyatt Osvaldo Paganini ross@smdp.com

TO ADVERTISE IN THE SANTA MONICA DAILY PRESS IN PRINT OR DIGITAL, PLEASE CALL

310-458-7737 or email schwenker@smdp.com

1640 5th Street, Suite 218 Santa Monica, CA 90401 OFFICE (310) 458-PRESS (7737) FAX (310) 576-9913

The Santa Monica Daily Press is published six days a week, Monday through Saturday.

19,000 daily circulation, 46,450 daily readership. Circulation is audited and verified by Circulation Verification Council, 2013. Serving the City of Santa Monica, and the communities of Venice Beach, Brentwood, West LA. Members of CNPA, AFCP, CVC, Associated Press, IFPA, Santa Monica Chamber of Commerce.

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© 2013 Newlon Rouge, LLC, all rights reserved.

OPINIONS EXPRESSED are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of the Santa Monica Daily Press staff. Guest editorials from residents are encouraged, as are letters to the editor. Letters will be published on a space-available basis. It is our intention to publish all letters we receive, except those that are libelous or are unsigned. Preference will be given to those that are e-mailed to editor@smdp.com. All letters must include the author’s name and telephone number for purposes of verification. All letters and guest editorials are subject to editing for space and content.

Local Visit us online at www.smdp.com

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

5

City Hall unveils new rules for being a Santa Monican

BY BILL DOLLAR Special to the Daily Press

Hey, good lookin’ Have you taken a look around City Hall lately? Not a pretty sight.

So, this week’s Q-Line question asks:

How can we encourage better looking people to run for public office?

Contact qline@smdp.com before Friday at 5 p.m. and we’ll print your answers in the weekend edition of the Daily Press. You can also call (310) 458-7737.

YOUR OPINION MATTERS! SEND YOUR LETTERS TO • Santa Monica Daily Press • Attn.

Editor: • 1640 5th Street, Suite 218 • Santa Monica, CA 90401 • editor@smdp.com

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CITYWIDE City Hall is making it easier for residents and visitors alike to become squared away on Santa Monica’s unique lifestyle by publishing a series of guides — all available online, as cell phone apps and as old fashioned, printed brochures.

The City Council, in accordance with its socialist agenda, felt it best to explicitly dictate how residents and visitors should act while out in public in the city by the sea. The guides come just two months after Lifestyle Compliance Officers were hired to “assist” with the transition after some residents rebelled against the council’s doctrine.

Those who failed to make the change will be rounded up and deported to Mar Vista and Palms.

Here’s a look at the topics covered in the guides.

“Political Correctness Santa Monica Style.” Ever wonder how to pronounce "Tongva" or "Moomat Ahiko?" Confused about what they mean? This is the guide for you.

Also, it includes things not to say that would offend Santa Monicans such as "You have a lot of homeless here,” "There’s not enough parking,” "There are too many bicycle lanes,” “Your skyline is boring. Not enough tall buildings,” and “What? No plastic bags?”

The rules also include, “Appreciating New Santa Monica Public Art.” Santa Monica has some of the most controversial public art in the country. Sneak a peek at three new works.

• "The Bird” Facing "Chain Reaction” in front of the Santa Monica Courthouse, is a 35-foot-tall, upright, concrete hand, middle finder extended, mounted at the wrist onto a childproof base.

• “Faces” Portraits of members of the top secret San Malicians for Renters’ Rights Steering Committee on the side of the very top floor of the new Miramar Hotel. They’ll be overlooking the entire city — when we find out WHO is actually on the Steering Committee.

• “Lost Traditions,” a free-standing sculpture in Palisades Park that depicts large, bronzed, muscular male and female figures clad in "Training for Life" T-shirts. It’s an homage to fitness trainers who held classes there once upon a time. Now, exercise is prohibited, except on the beach.

• “Coping with Santa Monica Traffic.”

CSMT is an exciting new gaming experience

for Nintendo, Atari and smart phone. Drive from one side of town to the other side as fast as you can and score big points. Win a point for beating a traffic signal, 5 points for running a stop sign and 10 points for not getting stuck in gridlock. Get into a roundabout and lose two turns. Road rage will cost you five turns.

Extra points are earned if you drive a Prius. Back to zero if you hit a bicyclist, pedestrian or another car. Get a citation and go to jail. Sounds like fun? Absolutely!

“Famous Santa Monica Republicans — Extended Version” A single page compendium of famous Santa Monica Republicans complete with photos and biographies.

Printed on heavy stock. Downloadable.

"Beached Santa Monica: A guide for beach goers." All you need to know about Santa Monica's famous coastline. Written by Sandy Beach. A listing of all 1,126 “rules for proper beach behavior” and how to still have a good time without getting cited for something. It includes tips, too, like stay away from the water underneath the pier! There’s also instructions on how to avoid gang members; respecting wildlife and transient camps; coping with dangers in the water like sting rays, rip currents, sharks, trash and over-sexed teenage boys looking for hookups.

Special section: the hunkiest lifeguards — with photos — and which towers to find them. Secret parking lots and nude beaches.

Best restaurants and bike rentals. How to walk across hot sand and not get burned, plus where to put your car keys when you swim alone. (Hint: it’s not comfortable.)

"Santa Monica for Dummies," a companion piece for City Hall’s Citizen Academy.

Chapters on scoring affordable housing, using mass transit, finding homeless services centers, dealing with code enforcement, where to park and being your sustainable best. Special smart phone app included: “Running for City Council.”

In addition to the guides are color-coded maps showing key city locations — police and fire stations, animal shelters, recreational facilities, favorite homeless hangouts, recycling centers, low-income housing with pools, best parks to “meet the person of your dreams” in and how to find the Venice Boardwalk.

There you have it, the latest in guides for all things Santa Monica. Or, as the city’s motto says, “Better things for better living through chicanery.”

FINDING A NEW DENTIST IS TOUGH!!!

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Local 6

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Chain Reaction collapses: Nine dead, dozens injured

The

BY LOCO CRAZY SIMPSON Daily Press Staff Writer

IS PROUD TO BE A 2014 WINNER OF A SUSTAINABLE QUALITY AWARD FOR

SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

THE SANTA MONICA DAILY PRESS – We have you covered 1640 5TH STREET, SUITE 218 | SANTA MONICA, CA 90401 | OFFICE: 310-458-7737

WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THE CARELESSNESS OR NEGLIGENCE OF OTHERS. Free Consultation Over $25 Million Recovered

• • • • • • • • Robert Lemle

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CATASTROPHIC PERSONAL INJURIES WRONGFUL DEATH MOTOR VEHICLE ACCIDENTS BICYCLE ACCIDENTS SPINAL CORD INJURIES TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES DOG BITES TRIP & FALLS You Pay Nothing Until Your Case Is Resolved

MAIN STREET City officials were right about Chain Reaction. The controversial peace sculpture, marred by years of wear-and-tear, toppled Monday killing nine residents and injuring 27.

Santa Monica Police have not yet released the identities of the victims but witnesses spotted the bloody shorts of local peace activist Jary Ruben protruding from the rubble.

The collapse, and the following devastation, bore an uncanny resemblance to the predictions of Building Official Rod Tocigushi, who previously stated at a City Council meeting that “when the chains finally give and the iron sequoia at last collapses, fires will rain from the sky and remaining will be the lifeless shells of nine of our own — another one score and seven maimed.”

At the time of his pronouncement, the audience in the Council Chamber fell silent before breaking into raucous laughter.

But no one was laughing on Monday.

The sculpture, which council recently voted to save despite Tocigushi’s stern warnings, began to tilt as its weakest link finally succumbed to rust.

“My baby! She’s going give,” witnesses report hearing Ruben shout. He then reportedly released the tree he was hugging and heroically ran toward the sculpture.

As advocates have pointed out, Chain Reaction, which sits in front of a picturesque parking lot, is overwhelmingly popular and so it was only natural that hundreds were gathered around it at the time of the incident.

Grown men were spotted leaving the scene in tears, chains protruding from their faces. A baby drowned in the mass of metal links.

Tocigushi watched stoically from his perch on the roof of City Hall, where he often stood, calculating and calculating again, hoping the results would be different, but they never were. He stood and watched like a cursed prophet without a tongue, who’s seen the impending doom but can’t relay the message.

“I now know how Noah must have felt,” he said, still catatonic from what he’d witnessed. “They laughed at him. They laughed until the rains came. Well the rains are here and I’m still dry. There’s blood on your hands, you dirty hippies!”

City Hall put out an uncharacteristically frank release entitled: “We told you so.”

Paul Genser III editor@smdp.com

OH NO! Local peace activist Jary Ruben was crushed by the controversial 'Chain Reaction' sculpture when it gave way to long-suspected damage created when local school children used the structure as a play gym.

“For years we tried to warn you,” the release said. “Years. And what was the response? ‘Oh boo-hoo, don’t take our beloved symbol of peace and nuclear disarmament.’ The Cold War is over, guys. Open a newspaper. Ever heard of terrorism?

Global warming? Put up a sculpture that depicts the 2008 financial crisis and then we’ll talk.”

“Let’s be honest,” City Hall’s release continued. “The thing looked like a giant turd.”

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a petition seeking to ban their right to circulate petitions, complaining that they require too much paper and are therefore bad for the environment.

Plans are already underway for a memorial sculpture. Preliminary designs show a precariously top-heavy tower with a narrow base all to be constructed out of butcher knives and loaded handguns. dave@smdp.com

Local Visit us online at www.smdp.com

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

7

Affluent demand housing subsidies

BY CASH MONEY Daily Press Staff Writer

DOWNTOWN As the price of living in Santa Monica continues to rise to levels unseen since the dot.com boom of the 1990s, there’s a new group of residents crying poverty.

After years of watching City Hall develop housing for low-income out-of-towners, households earning over $200,000 a year are asking for subsidies to comfortably live the lifestyle they say they deserve as taxpayers in the city by the sea.

“Do you realize how expensive it is to buy a home North of Montana?” asked Rihanna Cordon, the leader of the newly-formed group United for a Better Tomorrow. “A dollar just doesn’t buy a solarium in this market.”

With prices for single-family homes soaring into the millions and condos the size of studio apartments now a hot commodity, the situation has come to a point where only extremely wealthy families can expect to afford local asking prices.

What community activists want is a Santa Monica where everybody can afford to find a home, not just the super rich and extremely low-income earners.

City Hall’s longtime policy of developing low-income housing has been effective at creating diversity among the population, but it has left upper middle-class families out of the loop.

It is common knowledge that city employees that make an average of $120,000 to $160,000 cannot afford the Rockwellian utopia — acres of green grass, swimming pools and hot tubs, lavish gardens, extended driveways, fountains, ceramic elves and citrus groves.

Santa Monicans for Renters’ Entitlements, the city’s most powerful political machine, has embraced the idea, citing a need to embrace gentrification.

Cordon and former Mayor Mick Minestein came to the realization that if new policies weren’t created, their ilk would be on the outside looking in.

“Nobody wants to live in Culver City,”

Minestein said. “Don’t even get me started about Venice. What was once an affordable enclave is quickly becoming Santa Monica Jr.” What United for a Better Tomorrow is asking of City Hall is some form of tax subsidy that would allow them to deduct down payments and moving expenses.

“It wouldn’t solve all of our problems, but it’s a start,” Cordon said.

The director of non-profit Community Co. of Santa Monica, Lara Betts, said that subsidizing housing for the more well-to-do isn’t a bad idea considering the current housing market in the city by the sea.

She too has noticed that middle- and upper middle-class families are having the hardest time staying in Santa Monica and she believes something can be done about the housing imbalance. Poor people know they can qualify while the über rich have no concerns.

“People can laugh all they want, but these people really need our help as a community,” Betts said. “Where would it leave us if just select populations can find homes in Santa Monica? Imagine a world with no teachers, fire fighters and nurses. Not a pretty picture.”

While a new idea in Santa Monica, this concept has been tried in Norway.

Oslo residents were successful in passing a series of bonds that built high-end condos specifically for the upper middle-class.

Demand for that housing was so high that city officials had to spend money from the municipality’s general fund to continue the push, ultimately constructing over 200 units in the space of three years.

“We decided we needed to take care of our own,” said Oslo Mayor Sven Tollefsrud.

“As luck would have it, I applied for and was granted one of the units.”

Meanwhile, a group of community activists are attempting to overturn a City Council decision to approve the minutes from a previous meeting simply because they want to be snarky. cashmoney@smdp.com

Local 8

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

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REGISTRATION

JOY RIDE

Brandon Archuleta editor@smdp.com Capitalizing on the pedicab craze, local homeless have transformed shopping carts into rickshaws to make extra money. Pictured: Outgoing Editor-in-Theif Devin Herrera catches a ride.

Local Visit us online at www.smdp.com

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

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BIG EATER

Morgan Alvarez Jr. editor@smdp.com Great white sharks have been spotted in Santa Monica Bay recently. Aside from the seal in this photo, eight surfers have come up missing locally. As a precaution, the paddleboard race has been canceled and will not be rescheduled until the sharks have moved on.

AIRPORT FROM PAGE 1 The next steps for the airport are unclear.

One group called Airport2Park released renderings of what they’ve labeled a “ditch park” to be built in the middle of the tarmac.

Several local developers have submitted proposals to put boxy, high-rise office buildings in the hole.

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a petition to repeal the space-time continuum, complaining that it is unfairly restrictive.

City Hall has already built several bike paths traversing the trench. A homeless encampment has settled in nicely.

Gobbarb is hoping the changes continue.

“I’d like to see City Hall take over the responsibility of selling aviation fuel rather than allowing it to be sold by private companies,” he said. “I’m going to apply for a job as the city employee who pumps the fuel. But then, instead of filling up the tanks with actual fuel, I’ll fill them with pudding or

• ADHD • Auditory Processing • Communication Issues • Learning Difficulties

sheep blood.”

Airport Owners and Flyers Association (AOFA), a nationwide aviation advocacy group with deep pockets and no regard for life below the clouds, said in a release that the bulldozing was not the final word.

“Yet again we humble, underprivileged owners of private jets are being oppressed,” AOFA’s release said. “These NIMBY neighbors are declaring war on the most American of notions: If you’re wealthy enough to own a jet, there are no rules.”

AOFA says it will fight to repave the runway. For backfill they plan to use the particulate matter created by jet exhaust and the lead from the bloodstreams of the neighbors who inhale the fumes.

Ruben declared his previous organization — “Concerned Residents Against Airport Pollution,” or CRAAP — no longer relevant and immediately founded a new organization dubbed “Solution Here Is Trenches.”

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Food 10

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

TOUR DE EAT

Mellise, home of Michelin Stars, goes HomeTown Buffet BY ‘SNACKS’ RIAN Mellise embodies the height of contemporary French gastronomy.

That is why there is a considerable amount of buzz surrounding its new Super French All You Can Eat Lunch Buffet Bonanza. At last, Texas-sized portions and world-class French cuisine come together at Santa Monica’s most distinguished fine dining restaurant.

Going back for seconds or even fourths is no faux pas. Pile on plates full of endless escargot, and brimming bowls of bouillabaisse, after all it’s all you can eat.

“French food is delicious, but I’m tired of everyone complaining about how small the portions are,” laments Mellise’s Head Chef/Owner Gosiah Sitron as he carried a warming tray full of braised guinea fowl in advance of the lunch rush.

“I thought to myself, ‘What does the HomeTown Buffet have that Mellise doesn’t?”

Taking a play out of a more traditional style buffet’s playbook, the restaurant, recipient of two Michelin Stars, is broadening its appeal. Season-driven hot trays will afford diners a boat-load of options including poached monkfish and egg yolk sauce, braised goose with chestnut and sausage stuffing and mutton. Tons of mutton.

Sitron even brought back foie gras, but sales have been lighter than expected.

“I’m not sure the new diners are used to the richness that comes with eating a goose liver, but that’s the beauty of the buffet, if you don’t like something, go grab a clean plate,” the chef said.

Paired with the schooner-sized bottomless Bordeaux or Richebourg Grand Cru, and Mellise’s all you can eat buffet is sure to

be a hit.

But don’t expect HomeTown Buffet prices. All you can eat for two hours is $500; with wine is $1,200. Children under 12 with a finicky palate eat free.

SUPER

Seven-11 stands for convenience. The Third Street Farmers’ Market is all about freshness. The two will now team up together as Seven-11 unveils its Farm-to-Rollers lineup.

Anyone who has frequented Seven-11, whether it’s for a quick snack or a late night diaper run, is familiar with the rollers usually filled with wrinkly hot-dogs perpetually baking under heat lamps. Those same rollers will now make way for seasonal offerings sourced from the finest fare via area farmers.

New items will include Fairview Garden’s fava bean and squash blossom taquitos, Carlsbad Aquafarm oyster poppers, and Harry’s Berries tarts.

Maggie’s Farm Super Kale Slurpees will also be available as the convenience chain capitalizes on the juicing craze.

“Now more than ever is a great time for our beloved Farmers’ Market to go corporate so City Hall can start capitalizing on what has mostly been a home-grown operation with very little funding attached,” explained Farmers’ Market Supervisor Lori Avery.

Avery was instrumental in landing the lucrative deal with the nation’s largest convenience franchise. Circle K was reportedly interested in a similar partnership but there are only a handful of outlets in Southern California, whereas Seven-11s dominate the landscape, especially in the San Fernando Valley where access to fresh

produce is limited.

The new partnership is not without its challenges. Extreme measures were implemented to meet Seven-11’s high volume demands. All the farms have now been consolidated into a larger parent farm corporation — SaMoCorp. To increase productivity, SaMoCorp will now implement pesticides and GMOs as part of their growing process, but only for produce supplied to Seven-11s.

“It was a though decision to not go organic, but it was the only way to stay competitive and keep the shareholders satisfied,” said CEO of SaMoCorp Lori Aver.

THAT’S SO 2010

Kale is out and Brussels sprouts are back.

The leafy, crunchy green that has become a staple in most Santa Monica kitchens has fallen out of favor with foodies, who have circled back to that robust cabbage that has been so maligned in years past. Food enthusiasts praise sprouts for their cancer-fighting properties as well as their low-calorie content. They also pair really well with bacon and goat cheese.

Since the kale boom of the late 2000s, prices have skyrocketed, around $56 a pound, making sprouts a more economically-friendly option for families still concerned about fiber, vitamins and potassium.

Celery is also rumored to be on a comeback. Forget ants on a log. Think cream cheese and smoked salmon celery skewers.

Also, don’t underestimate iceberg lettuce.

The wedge salad has been getting more play on fine dining menus thanks to its low-cost.

D.K.’S GOES DANK

Foodie hot spot D.K.’s Donuts now launches its newest menu item, marijuana.

In an unprecedented move, D.K.’s will become the sole sanctioned pot dispensary within the Santa Monica city limits.

Through an obscure loophole (which the City Council immediately closed) the donut shop received the green light to sell cannabis on their premises. With weed now on the menu, D.K.’s plans to become a one-stop shop for pot and the subsequent munchies, too.

Now the standard sticky buns and apple fritters will jostle for position alongside bubba kush and pineapple express. D.K.’s has wasted no time creating marijuana/donut hybrids like the Royal Kush Crullers and Afghan Skunk Cinnamon Twists.

“We’re stoked with the new addition to our menu. The trouble is finding room in our display case for everything,” explains owner of D.K.’s Donuts, Maylee Tao as she stirs melted butter filled with crushed marijuana buds for baking.

“This bear claw is great for my cataracts,” explains Margaret Anderson, loyal D.K.’s customer and resident of the nearby retirement home Sunrise of Santa Monica.

Croissants and coffee cake are not the only things baked at D.K.’s these days.

Tao plans to add bean bags, blacklight posters and incense to create a “lounge-like” atmosphere.

Mikey can be seen riding around town on his bike burning calories so he can eat more food.

He can be reached at michael@smdp.com.

Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/greaseweek.

McDanald’s introduces quinoa, tempeh, kale burger

BY LIL’ PUPPET Daily Press Staff Writer

COLORADO AVE Eager to change its unhealthy image, McDanald’s is testing a new quinoa, tempeh and kale burger at its Santa Monica locations.

After years of fending off criticism that its menu is loaded with fattening options, McDanald’s executives have been scrambling to make its menu more health-conscious.

“We are proud to change things up,” McDanald’s CEO Ronaldinho McDanald said. “We figured it was time to roll out a product that appeals to health nuts. What better place to try this than in Santa Monica?”

During development, other items were tested, but none of them made the cut.

There was talk of steamed broccoli wraps and even acai berry smoothies, but those products never made it out of the testing phase.

Once somebody threw out the concept of a quinoa and kale creation everybody in the test kitchen nodded in approval, afraid to admit that it wasn’t very tasty, insiders told the Daily Press.

Industry experts believe that it’s big of McDanald’s to be an innovator in the health food game, but fear that the ingredients selected had more to do with buzz words and less about taste.

“This just smells of a reach,” said Bob Granderson, editor of Healthy Eating maga-

Image courtesy McDanald’s

GOOD EATS: Redeem this coupon for your free quinoa, kale and tempeh burger.

zine. “Would I be willing to try it? No. But, is this a savvy move by McDanald’s? Yes.” Early reviews of the burger are mixed.

A young couple with yoga mats slung

over their shoulders left the Second Street McDanald’s location with a look of bemusement.

While they liked the concept of a new

burger, the flavor was lacking, they said.

They were also concerned about how it would be like entering a McDanald’s, which they haven’t set foot in since seventh grade.

“It sounded like a good idea, but I think I’d rather have tempeh,” Sage Rosenfeld said.

“Dude, a real bro doesn’t need meat.”

The timing of the release of the burger may have something to do with a recent trans-fat scandal.

After telling the public that its french fries would be cooked in a more heart-healthy oil, an undercover operation by the creator of the “Super Size Us” documentary discovered that the spuds were being cooked in a mixture of margarine, lard and lipo-suction leftovers.

Public outrage ensued, pushing the fastfood giant to clean up its image in light of the ever-growing obesity epidemic plaguing the United States and parts of Western Europe.

“Or course the release of the burger is to improve our public image,” McDanald’s executive chef Stefan Lacroix said. “Can you blame us?”

To sweeten the deal, McDanald’s is offering the new burger for free for those lucky enough to find coupons in local newspapers.

Meanwhile, a new group of community activists is trying to repeal the sale of Craft American Cheese Singles at local grocery stores citing the product’s main ingredient, yoga mats. lil’puppet@smdp.com

Local Visit us online at www.smdp.com

MEAT FROM PAGE 3 In fact, an illegal meat-smuggling trade has already formed with gangs like the Burger Boyz hawking shish kebabs underneath the Santa Monica Pier.

High-end meats surreptitiously crossed the Venice border in supposedly vegan food trucks en route to the homes of celebrities and dignitaries.

Councilmember Bobby Holbrooks, who cast the lone dissenting vote, is engulfed in a scandal after being spotted, drumstick in hand, coming out of a known “meateasy” bar.

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

11

petition demanding that three councilmembers recuse themselves for allegedly accepting donations from lobbyists representing Big Tofurfkey.

City Hall issued business owners safety beef boxes, which lock at midnight on Mondays and unlock on Tuesday.

Bay Cities, famous for their subs featuring the best cured meats west of the 405 Freeway, is not impacted by the ban because they are closed on Mondays.

The iconic Ocean Front Walk restaurant Hot Dog on a Stick is now offering a half-off Monday-only special called “nothing on a stick.” loco@smdp.com

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Local 12

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

S U R F

Surf Forecasts

R E P O R T

Water Temp: 61.9°

TUESDAY – FAIR –

SURF: 2-3 ft Knee to chest high New WNW swell may show as old WNW swell fades; watching for a fun new SSW swell to show

WEDNESDAY – POOR TO FAIR –

SURF: 2-3 ft thigh to Potential new WNW swell eases; modest SSW swell continues

waist high

THURSDAY – FAIR –

SURF: 2-3 ft ankle to waist Very Small mid period swell from the south holding during the day.

Light west-southwest winds with a slight chop, Increasing later.

FRIDAY – FAIR –

SURF: 2-3 ft ankle to waist Very Small mid period swell from the south holding during the day. Breezy west-northwest winds, whitecapping conditions with moderate choppy seas all day.

BENEFITS FROM PAGE 1 nity benefits that will be offered by developers who wish to build above and beyond what the zoning laws allow.

The City Council on Tuesday approved the benefits, giving residents and developers a clue as to what they can expect moving forward. Benefits will be divided into tiers based on the density and height of a development, with free car washes and grande mochas from Cafe Luxxe on the lowest tier, and more expensive gifts like seven-day vacations to any Sandals resort and a gentlyused EV on the highest tier. Cash money was also included in the top tier, with each resident living within a five-block radius of a proposed development receiving 3 percent of the project’s capital costs.

“We want to give our friends … I mean developers … a set of options to choose from early on in the process to make developing easier, more streamlined and more predictable,” said Mayor Spam O’Conner, who is currently being investigated by the California Ethics Commission for allegedly accepting improper gifts from donors during her last re-election campaign, including the crystal egg, autographed by Tom Cruise, featured in “Risky Business.”

Naturally, residents complained about the benefits packages, saying they were not comprehensive enough given the impact development has had on traffic, parking, aesthetics and air flow. Gone too are some of the more popular benefits offered in the past, such as low-income housing, bike parking and storage and funding for the arts.

“We are losing those benefits that help improve the quality of life for the city as a whole, and instead are being offered creature comforts that benefit only the individual,” said Councilman Keven MkCeown, who made a late push to put low-income housing back on the list, but was overruled, 6-1.

Supporters of the new benefits list, including the Santa Monica Committee of Commerce and the Association of Momand-Pops, said they will have a more immediate impact and not only improve the lives of residents, but also local businesses, which will benefit from the increase in activity thanks to the gift card policy. Developers of projects greater than 300 feet will have to provide gift cards to every resident in the amount of $250, which residents can then use at any business within Santa Monica’s borders. That can include hair dressers, restaurants, chiropractors and dry cleaners, just to name a few.

“I’m totally stoked,” said Mike Vawn, owner of Pro SUP Shop, who teaches people how to paddleboard in the Santa Monica Bay. “I estimate that my business will increase by at least 20 percent thanks to this new policy. People want to paddleboard; they just don’t know it yet. With these gift cards, they’ll be more likely to splurge and take a chance on a new activity since someone else is picking up the tab.”

Meanwhile, residents were circulating a petition to qualify for the ballot an initiative banning fishing from the Santa Monica Pier, saying the practice is tantamount to torture for fish and other marine life. shygirl@smdp.com

Comics & Stuff TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Visit us online at www.smdp.com

13

MOVIE TIMES Aero Theatre 1328 Montana Ave. (310) 260-1528

Theatre closed for much-needed renovations. Call for more information.

AMC 7 Santa Monica 1310 Third St. (310) 451-9440

Twin Peaks Marathon 0934hrs Homecoming Queen/Cocaine Addict Laura Palmer … in person! Q&A moderated by James Lipton.

Director David Lynch will be signing copies of his autobiography “Catching the Big Fish” in the lobby starting at 0700 hrs

AMC Loews Broadway 4 1441 Third Street Promenade (310) 458-3924

Amadeus (G) 1hr 30min 0225hrs, 055hrs, 1432hrs, 151hrs, 1830hrs, 1954hrs, 2224hrs Marie Antoinette (G) 1hr 40min 0600hrs, 1200hrs, 1323hrs, 1745hrs, 2050hrs

Noah (NC-17) 2hrs 18min 0235hrs, 1158hrs, 1936hrs, 2003hrs Ben Hur (PG-13) 2hr 10min 0100hrs, 0245hrs, 0430hrs, 0615hrs, 1500hrs, 1930hrs Joan of Arc (R) 1hr 29min 0921hrs, 1333hrs, 1500hrs, 1840hrs, 2100hrs

Gandhi (R) 2hr 19min 1100hrs, 1452hrs, 1933hrs, 2100hrs Patton (GA) 1hr 52min 1030hrs am, 1150hrs, 1766hrs, 2030hrs

A Snake of June (NR) 4hrs 30min 0235hrs, 1158hrs, 1936hrs, 2003hrs Manji (X) 1hr 15min 0837hrs, 1030hrs, 1513hrs, 2148hrs The Dolls (NC-17) 1hr 35min 0600hrs, 1200hrs, 1323hrs, 1745hrs, 2050hrs Love on a Pillow (R) 14:45hrs, 1637hrs, 22:30hrs

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For more information, e-mail editor@smdp.com

Speed Bump

ON THE REAL TIP, VIRGO ARIES (March 21-April 19)

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

★★★ I’m telling you, don’t get out of bed. I’ve

★★★★ Don’t ride your bike to work today. If

read a lot of these star maps and I’ve never seen anything like the day you’re about to have. If you’re reading this at your kitchen table ... hide. If you’re reading this at work, it might already be too late. Tonight: Give up.

you do, you will get a flat, someone will pull out in front of you and nearly kill you, another will curse the day you were born and your front tire will be stolen while you’re at work. Better to drive. Oh wait. You don’t have a car. I guess you’ll just have to walk. Tonight: Soak your feet in Epsom salt.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ★★★★★ YOne-twelfth of the world’s population is going to experience exactly what you experience today. If you had been born a few days later you’d be a Gemini and your whole life would be different. You’d be a millionaire right now if your mom hadn’t decided on the planned C-section. Tonight: Stop reading horoscopes

By Dave Coverly

Strange Brew

By John Deering

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) ★★★★ No one ever wants to say it to your face but you are seriously annoying. Today, try and tone it down a notch. You’re at 12 and the universe needs you at 4. Tonight: You realize this is why you have no friends.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

★★★★ Take it all — the house, the savings

★★★ Did I ever mention that you look good in

account, the pension — and bet it on black. It’s surefire. It’s like printing money. Or, wait, was it red? I think it was red, actually. Let me check again. Yeah, bet on red. Definitely red. Bet all of it. Do it. Tonight: Send the Daily Press a check for $100..

blue? Seriously, don’t make it weird, I’m just saying. I also think that you would make a good parent. Am I being too forward? If so, get over it. Tonight: Stop being mean to your cat. He deserves better than that..

Dogs of C-Kennel

By Mick and Mason Mastroianni

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) CANCER (June 21-July 22) ★★★★ Don’t let that two-bit little Libra get his hands on anymore of your cash. Just who the hell does he think he is? And don’t get me started on Sagittarius. Everything that comes out of her mouth is garbage. Did you hear what she did with Leo? Ew. Tonight: Everybody Wang Chung..

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) ★★★ Your inner compass is on the fritz as Mars has moved into Jupiter’s orbit, making Earth’s gravitational pull weaker than your knees after a few squats. It’s probably the reason why you have been having such horrible luck lately. That drunk text you sent your ex, the hot coffee you spilled on your lap while driving, the firing following those pesky child pornography charges; all because of the red planet. Tonight: Get out your telescope and curse Mars. You also might want to find a good lawyer. Try Kris Harding, we hear she’s good.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) ★★★★ The planets have aligned in your favor.

It’s time to start applying for another job so you can get the hell out of your parents’ basement. Yeah, we all knew that degree in 20th century French poetry wasn’t going to land you a gig straight away, but we thought something would materialize. It’s time to face facts and apply for that job in fast food, just until something opens up. Tonight: Revise your resume. .

★★★ Linda, babe, nothing is safe at grandma’s house. Honey, Linda, I just want one cupcake.

Look, Linda, I’m serious. It’s what I want for dinner. Tonight: Get me a cupcake, Linda..

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) ★★★★★ Take the time to look deep within your soul. Past the body image issues, beyond your problems with your parents. Find that place where you, and only you, feel comfortable. If you can’t pull this simple exercise off, you really have more problems than I can help you with. Tonight: Get a tub of ice cream and eat it with shame..

Garfield

By Jim Davis

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) ★★★ Log off the dating website, clean yourself up and head out to the club. Even a loser like you can find love (or lust) in a dimly-lit bar filled with buzzed 30-somethings.

Tonight: Eat your veggies or Jesus is going to be ticked off.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014 JACQUELINE BIGAR’S STARS The stars show the kind of day you’ll have: ★★★★★Dynamic ★★ So-So ★★★★ Positive ★ Difficult ★★★ Average You’re not a joke despite your dubious birthday. April Fools’ Day is a time for a few laughs, cold beers and celebrating your birth. But, don’t have too much fun.

Nobody wants to be the person who gets too drunk and starts a fight with a random dude from Sylmar

INTERESTED IN YOUR DAILY FORCAST? CHECK OUT THE HOROSCOPE ABOVE?! office (310)

458-7737

The Meaning of Lila

By John Forgetta & L.A. Rose

Puzzles & Stuff 14

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Sudoku Fill in the blank cells using numbers 1 to 9. Each number can appear only once in each row, column, and 3x3 block. Use logic and process of elimination to solve the puzzle. The difficulty level ranges from ★ (easiest) to ★★★★★ (hardest).

MYSTERY PHOTO

Paul Alvarez Jr. editor@smdp.com The first person who can correctly identify where this image was captured wins a prize from the Santa Monica Daily Press. Send answers to editor@smdp.com. Send your mystery photos to editor@smdp.com to be used in future issues.

NEWS OF THE WEIRD BY

CHUCK

SHEPARD

King Features Syndicate

GETTING STARTED There are many strategies to solving Sudoku. One way to begin is to examine each 3x3 grid and figure out which numbers are missing.

Then, based on the other numbers in the row and column of each blank cell, find which of the missing numbers will work. Eliminating numbers will eventually lead you to the answer.

SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S PUZZLE

■ After a Feb. 11 explosion at a natural gas well in Greene County, Pa., killed one worker, burned for four days and caused massive traffic jams and other inconveniences, the public relations response of wellowner Chevron was merely to give away vouchers for pizza and soda at local hangout Bobtown Pizza.

Environmentalists were outraged at Chevron's "let them eat cake/pizza" attitude, but CBS News found quite a few locals who supported Chevron's response. (For one thing, Bobtown's pizza is apparently highly regarded.)

■ Injudicious: (1) James Degorski, 41, serving life in prison for a coldblooded mass murder during a botched restaurant robbery in Palatine, Ill., in 1993, was awarded $451,000 by a jury recently after a prison guard punched him in the face, necessitating complex surgery. Said a parent of one of Degorski's victims, "If broken bones are worth a half-million, how much are (the seven victims') lives worth?" (2) Former star soccer goalie Bruno Fernandes de Souza, 28, serving 22 years in prison in Brazil for the murder of his girlfriend and feeding of part of her body to his dogs, was granted workrelease in March by prison officials - with the "work" assignment being to play soccer for a Brazilian pro team that, upon learning of the rehabilitation law, signed him to a contract and urged his release.

TODAY IN HISTORY – President Richard Nixon signs the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, requiring the Surgeon General's warnings on tobacco products and banning cigarette advertisements on television and radio in the United States, starting on January 1, 1971.

– Bangladesh Liberation War: The Pakistan Army massacre over 1,000 people in Keraniganj Upazila, Bangladesh.

– Project Tiger, a tiger conservation project, is launched in the Corbett National Park, India.

1970

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