Hop in Then!
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Hop in Then! Ulla Bolinder
Translated from the Swedish by Eric Swanson in collaboration with the author
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Originally published in Sweden as Hoppa in då! by Anamma, Gothenburg, 1998. © Ulla Bolinder 1998 English Translation © Eric Swanson 2016 Cover photos: DigitaltMuseum, Upplandsmuseet Publisher: BoD – Books on Demand, Stockholm, Sverige Print: BoD – Books on Demand, Norderstedt, Tyskland Second edition ISBN: 978-91-7569-502-0
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As long as a person has not felt his pains completely, he cannot give up hope. Arthur Janov
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Wednesday, 1 January 1964 Dear Diary! No, I m not going to start that way, because that s ridiculous. In any case, it s a new year and 1964. What could this year hold in store then? Well, that remains to be seen! That s partly what this book will be about. I haven t made any New Year s resolutions, because you can never keep them, but I have the intention to try to be more diligent in school this semester. Yesterday, on New Year s Eve, I was with mamma and papa at Stig s and Anita s. What E-L did, other than that she went into town, I don t know, because she hasn t called yet.
Tomorrow is Saturday. My best friend and I are going out then. We usually go first to the cinema and then to Svartbäcksgatan. That’s the street in Uppsala where the guys called raggare drive their cars up and down looking for girls. But we are not raggarbrudar, because we never go in big American cars. We only ride with guys in common cars. And it’s so wonderful to walk there and wait for what will happen. I will probably never get tired of it. But Kicki would just as well go dancing if I wanted to. She comes with me just because she prefers to be with me. If she didn’t, I would go alone, because I want nothing else than to go into town. Besides, I cannot dance. 7
Sunday, 5 January 1964 I have a cold, so I stayed at home yesterday evening. But E-L went out, and then she saw H책kan with a girl in Tre Liljor, she said today when she called. She saw them through the window when she passed the restaurant. And you should have been able to figure it out, that he has been out with others the whole time. He is older than we are (he is 21 and we are 15), so it isn t strange that he is out and about. The strangest thing is rather that he wanted to meet us, I think now. He phoned and even wrote a letter to E-L. We were both interested in him, but it was E-L who was the winner. I was with his friend, Becke. I remember how cosy I thought it was the first time we met them, when we drove in H책kan s black PV to Norrt채lje where Becke lived. It was Advent and they had turned off the ceiling lights and lit living candles, and outside it was dark with snow on the street, and everything felt so moving and nice. We had coffee and smoked, talked and listened to music. And H책kan wanted to dance, but E-L cannot dance (she believes), so he danced with me instead. He was dressed in a narrow-striped nylon shirt, which he had rolled up at the sleeves, and black pants and was very attractive, I thought. I preferred him to Becke, but I let Becke kiss me when I sat on his knee in the armchair. 8
(Håkan had laid hands on the bed with E-L, although it was Becke s residence.) They gave us a lift back to Uppsala, and I wasn t home until twenty minutes before two. I m supposed to be home at twelve if I m not out dancing, in which case I m allowed to be out until one. (That you can leave the dance earlier for a little hanky-panky, they evidently don t have in mind.) In any case, I should have been home at midnight, but I didn t come until twenty minutes before two, and papa was awake and came up to me and gave me a cuff on the ear. Aren t you supposed to be home at midnight? he said. And actually, I am, so I didn t think it was unjusttifiable that he was angry. I understood that he had been worried, and I didn t think it was wrong that I had gotten that cuff. He was sober, so it was really nothing to get hung up on. Afterwards, I was not allowed to go out on Sunday or the next weekend either, and I had to promise not to come home that late again.
I got a letter from Örjan, the guy I was with on New Year’s Eve. He wrote the following: Hello, Eva-Lena! I heard from Göran that you had been visible in town and thought therefore to drop you some lines and explain what happened on New Year’s Eve. I hope you didn’t take it too
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seriously, because I didn’t. The fact is, that I’m going out with a girl down here in Göteborg. It was perhaps wrong of me to meet you on New Year’s Eve, but I don’t believe you took it so seriously. I have almost managed to stop smoking, but I do have a puff now and then. I advise you to quit while there is still time, both smoking and guys, so you aren’t going astray with alcohol and other things. I don’t believe so, but, but… Finally, I hope that you feel well and that you aren’t annoyed with me. Greetings, Örjan.
What was he thinking? That he made such a strong impression on me that I would never be able to forget him? He didn’t do that. I would rather have been with his friend, Göran, who was also with us, and whom I’m acquainted with since before. But I felt odd when I read that he was afraid that I may go astray. I have been in love with Göran – or if I still am – but on New Year’s Eve, when he was drunk and together with two girls at the same time, I thought he was disgusting. He came out to the kitchen with messy hair and his shirt outside of his pants. “Time for a new round!” he said and rubbed his hands, before he threw himself into the room with those girls again. It’s bad form to be with two girls at the same time, I think. Kicki thinks so too. “Such a guy you take a dislike to,” she said when I told her what he had done. On Sunday I was out again. On my way to Svartbäcksgatan, I met a middle-aged man who took me for 10
a whore. “How much do you want?” he said. “Fifty kronor?” Is that well or poorly paid? There weren’t many cars out, and at first none stopped. Later a single guy in an Opel Rekord came and asked if I would like to ride with him. His name was Bert and he was nineteen years old. When he had driven up on Slottsbacken, he began to paw me. He had dirty fingernails and reminded me of the guy I was with the first time Kicki and I rode with some guys we didn’t know, when we were disappointed because Göran and his buddy didn’t want to meet us anymore. That guy was also rough and also had brown hair and sideburns. Bert kissed very disgustingly. When I didn’t let him stick his tongue into my mouth he said: “What the hell is it? Are you prudish?” He was to go dancing, but I didn’t want to come along, so he let me out of the car in the street again. Later a guy called Ludde stopped, and I went with him even though I didn’t feel like doing that, either. He just says a lot of things that aren’t true. He said that he was in love with me and had thought of me every day since the last time we met. “But I became so jealous when I saw you ride with another guy the next evening, that I decided never to meet you again.” He’s just bluffing and exaggerating. I got a lift home from a guy in a Volvo Sport. He was 11
going to take part in Roslagsvalsen, the motor rally, on Saturday, he said. Between his thumb and index finger he had three black dots that mean faith, hope and charity.
Sunday, 12 January 1964 Yesterday, E-L and I were in town, but nobody stopped and asked us. We were so mad at the guys who didn t want to pick us up. On top of that, it was so cold that you could freeze your butt off. That s the disadvantage of hanging out in town. If you go dancing, and are not asked to dance, you don t have to freeze and aren t as dependent on what the boys do or do not. E-L, for example, must have someone who gives her a lift home, if she doesn t want to walk all the way (and of course she doesn t). But I can take the bus home if it isn t too late. In any case, we were so mad at the boys who just cruised there to and fro and stared at us. If they notice that nobody picks you up, they conclude that you are nobody worth having and don t stop. It s exactly the same as when you are out dancing, that if a girl is not asked to dance from the beginning, and gets to dance most of the time, she becomes a wallflower. She receives a stamp on her that she isn t worth being asked to dance. And that s how it is in town, as well. But then the next evening, although there are about the same boys who drive there, and although they recognize us, it can be 12
completely different. Yesterday evening it wasn t that many degrees below freezing outside, but you get cold when you stand and walk for several hours. E-L had her black skirt and a black, long-sleeved sweater under her coat, and I had my green skirt and rust brown cardigan with collar. My coat was the one with the big rabbit collar, and I think it s rather nice, because it s a little styled in the middle. I have a brown coat also, but that one isn t as good. It is straight, and it s like a shawl in the same cloth that sits attached to the coat and which you can sling around your neck and up over your shoulder. Actually, it doesn t suit me, so I don t like it as well as the black one. For the black coat I have a gray fur cap, which is in the same style as the collar, but it s so big, so I usually never use it. I don t want to have a cap. I would rather freeze. It s possible that I have a shawl sometimes, but I rarely use it at all. Yesterday I didn t have anything on my head, and on my feet I had my black boots with high heels and with scarcely any lining and thin nylon stockings. Once I chilled one leg above the knee and a bit into my thigh, so now, when it s cold outside, it becomes red and starts to itch there.
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Monday, 13 January 1964 School has begun again after the Christmas vacation. The only fun about it is that E-L and I can see each other more often again. Otherwise, I m not especially excited. The fact is, that I m a little lazy in terms of actual school work, even though I don t regret that I have continued to study. When we went to the sixth grade, you had to decide if you wanted to continue in the comprehensive primary school, that was new then (it was new that you should go nine years instead of eight), or if you would like to apply for entrance into some other school, and then I applied to the girls school, because when mamma and I discussed it with my form mistress beforehand, she recommended it. And I was admitted to it and wound up in the same class as E-L. That s how we met and fell in love. (That was before we had begun to be interested in the opposite sex.) We talked and called, exchanged notes and wrote letters. We still do, but not as often as before. Then boys came into the picture, and that s when the seriousness of life began! No, but then we became more concentrated on them than on each other. Yesterday we went to the movies first, to a Danish film called The Buck in Paradise , and then we went to Svartbäcksgatan looking for boys. But there was none that stopped. I took the bus home, and E-L got a lift from a guy in a Saab, she said today. 14
Once Siv, who is in the same class as Kicki and me, was kicked out of a dance hall because she was drunk, and sometimes she comes to school with big hickeys on her neck, so I don’t think she has any cause to look down on Kicki and me just because we walk on Svartbäcksgatan. Today, when I met her and some other girls in the schoolyard, she said: “Hi, raggarbruden! Are you going to be picked up tonight?” And another time, she came up to Kicki and me and said: “What are you going to do tonight? Are you going to the movies or are you going to go out dancing?” “Going to the movies,” Kicki said. “You are not going to ride in a raggarbil then?” Siv said. But to be drunk and kick up a fuss so you are thrown out of a dance hall is worse than riding with guys you don’t know, I think. When you go dancing you don’t know the guys either, before you have danced with them. And the guy has maybe a car and drives the girl home, and then you can easily figure out what they do before she gets out. So, what’s the difference? The only difference is that we don’t dance with the guys first.
Saturday, 18 January 1964 Today E-L and I cut gym class and went to Café Regent and had coffee. I have become really clever in writing mamma s signature on my absence card. E-L just tells 15
her parents to sign for her when she has been absent from a lesson, because she has such discipline over them in that way, but I don t have it over mine, so I have to carry on falsifying. Actually, I can t afford to come along with E-L to go for coffee as often as I do. I get 50 kronor every month, and that s supposed to be enough for stockings, coffee, cigarettes and the movies. (Not for the bus, because I have a bus pass, and they pay for it at home.) But the money isn t enough, because it costs a lot for cigarettes, and then coffee and the movies. Sometimes I go out with E-L at Tempo for lunch also, even though I can eat for free at home. When we were at CafĂŠ Regent we talked about a girl in a parallel class who is pregnant. To be pregnant at that age, isn t anything you wish for yourself. But as long as you are a virgin, you don t need to worry about it. And I intend to wait with both sex and children until I have met Mr. Right. First you are together a while, then you get engaged, then you marry, and then it can be time to start thinking about children. I wouldn t wish to be pregnant until I m mature enough for it and feel that that s what I want. I want it to be planned. But I will probably not wait to be intimate until after the wedding, because that would be difficult if you are in love. So you may become pregnant even though you aren t ready for it. In that case, you must try to make the best of the situation. You can, for example, go to Poland 16