state of mind beyond present
intro At this very moment, I’m realizing the truth of me surely exposing myself in such naked and harsh way, thinking to myself, this is wonderfully magnificent. I’ve decided to share, upset, disappoint, delight, cherish and hurt one or another within this masterpiece. I’ve also decided to be honest, fragile and loving. This book is not about doing right or wrong, or being right or wrong, it is about being and it is about the reality. It will get messy and kind of all over the place and that is simply the point. Feelings and emotions are messy and therefore this book becomes messy, and not just a little bit, quite a lot and throughout the whole book pretty much. Just a heads up. However, preferably you must not enjoy reading it, you must not continue, but instead interpret, sense and let your physique process every word. Also, at the end of the day, you do you, you could also put the book in the bin and that would be completely alright to me. Up to you. Last but not least, I do wish for you to maintain a pleasant reading with lots of tears, laughter and madness included.
© Rebecca Oldmark 2022 Förlag: BoD - Books on Demand, Stockholm, Sverige Tryck: BoD – Books on Demand, Norderstedt, Tyskland ISBN: 978-91-8057-298-9
dedicated to our mankind and to human beings with feelings
part l fear, hatred, overwhelm, disorientation, disorganisation, misery
1
Resentment. Destruction. Boldness. Everything feels disappeared. Everything is fucked up. Everything is far beyond my comprehension. The world is consumed. I am consumed. I need to see the light but I do not want to. I want to be in another dimension and time. But I can not. I am expired. Light or dark, cold or warm, empty or full, I will always sense fear and heartache. Flattering, innocent birds tweets and whistles outside my window while the fresh sea spring air breeze sends regards to my lungs and my body and my mind and soul. The rush of air blows my mind. I am addicted already. The sunshine explores my dark-stoned window sill through the curtains seeking for my attention. However, I will not give my permission. Winds and the sunlight suddenly, quickly abandon me. Someone is afoot wandering with their almost unnoticeable footsteps towards my bedroom door. My room is crowded with boiled up emotions, sensations and it gets dark. Black and white. My head. My hand. My eyes. My mother,