A story about love
Nothing but the Truth Ulla Bolinder
Nothing but the Truth
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Nothing but the Truth Ulla Bolinder
Translated from the Swedish by Eric Swanson in collaboration with the author
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Originally published in Sweden as Ingenting annat än sanningen by BoD 2020 © Ulla Bolinder 2020 English Translation © Eric Swanson 2021 Cover: Ulla Bolinder Cover photos: Pixabay Publisher: BoD – Books on Demand, Stockholm, Sweden Print: BoD – Books on Demand, Norderstedt, Germany ISBN: 978-91-7851-818-0 4
What happened to you was not your fault. It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved. What happened to you was not fair. Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. Brianna Wiest
Love is your freedom, born of awareness. Ivan Rados
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PART ONE
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1994
The door is open now. I am not shut-in anymore. Several times every day a great sorrow wells up in me and makes me start crying. I cry when I wake up, I cry when I wash myself, I cry when I put on clean underwear, I cry when I exert myself physically, I cry when I shower, I cry when I go to bed and curl up under the covers, I cry when I see a police car on the street. Sometimes, when I have to control myself because there are other people around, I become angry instead. I will kill you, I think. You are going to die. Sometimes I don’t feel sad at all and think that the grief has disappeared and won’t come back. But it does. What is it due to, and where was it before? Has it always been there, although I didn’t know about it, or is it new? Does it have to do with the rape? Am I not done with it yet, although I thought so? I don’t need to go through in my mind what happened anymore, and I don’t need to talk about it, and I don’t need to get understanding and consolation from other people. Or do I deceive myself when I think like that? In a book about rape, I read: 9
The study makes apparent that what these women experienced is not a story that has an ending. For some of the women it is an ongoing trauma in which new problems are piled upon the burden they already bear. For several of the women the situation at the time of the interview was stable; but both this study and those of others show how fragile this stability is. The limitations of crisis theory become more apparent; what these women experienced was not something they could come to terms with and put behind them once and for all as one of life´s ordinary experiences. But it feels so distant now, and I don’t understand what the point would be to go into it again. Or would it be good? Should I tell Göran after all? He knows it has happened, but he doesn’t know in what way or how bad it was. The distance between us has become greater again, although I felt before that we were close. Would it decrease if I told him about the rape and he told me about the car accident he has been involved in? He must also bear a great grief that he may need to talk about. If he doesn’t want to, I accept it. Then I have shown that I am able and prepared anyway. The thought almost paralyzes me, but I have to try, so that we at least get a chance to move on. Göran has always been so indistinct to me, and I don’t want it to be like that anymore. He is as 10
After a brutal rape, and a long time of processing and self-examination, Susanne feels lonely and isolated. Should she have told someone close to her what she was subjected to instead of keeping everything to herself? Should she have confided in her workmate, who has shown interest in her and to whom she feels drawn? Can she do it now, long afterwards, to get closer to him and to prove to herself that she is free from what happened?
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH is a story about sorrow and secrets, fear and courage, longing and love. It is a sequel to THE ABUSE, which describes Susanne's feelings, thoughts, and reactions during the time immediately after the traumatic event.
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