9781529959697

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The New York Times bestselling auhtor of Sandwich

‘Wreck is the kind of book that pulls up a chair, pours the wine, and dives deep – equal parts hilarious, sharp, and achingly sincere.

It’s like spending hours with the friend who sees your mess and loves you more for it.

I didn’t just read it – I felt known by it’ Alison Espach, author of The Wedding People

CATHERINE NEWMAN is the New York Times bestselling author of Sandwich and We All Want Impossible Things, which was chosen for the Richard & Judy Book Club. She is also the author of the memoirs Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, and the bestselling children’s book How to Be a Person.

She is a regular contributor to the New York Times, O, The Oprah Magazine, Cup of Jo, and many other publications. She writes the Substack newsletter Crone Sandwich and lives in Amherst, Massachusetts, with her family.

‘Infectiously funny and surprisingly moving, Wreck reminds us that we are each, in our way, trying to make sense of the big things with some very small tools – and that love in the end is the thing that saves us’ Rachel Joyce, author of The Homemade God

‘Wreck is a delight . . .

I couldn’t stop reading, even though I didn’t want it to end’ J. Courtney Sullivan, author of The Cliffs

I S B N 978-1-5299-5969-7

9 Jacket design and art direction by Beci Kelly/TW Illustration by Cassandre Montoriol Author photograph © Birdy Newman

781529 959697

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NEWMAN Wreck CATHERINE

© Birdy Newman

‘A gorgeously human, tender-- hearted, and delightfully funny exploration of the anxieties that beset all of us, and the loving relationships and irrepressible joy that gets us through’ Nussaibah Younis, author of Fundamentally

CATHERINE NEWMAN

FINISHES NONE MATT SUPERMATT SPOT UV

Rocky, Nick, Willa and Jamie.

A normal, loving, anxious, messy, unpredictable, relatable family.

Rocky has her own way of processing disasters: 1. This could happen to us. 2. This couldn’t happen to us. And then there’s a secret third column: ‘This could happen to us unless I am very careful /superstitious//grateful . . .’

‘A luminous, laugh-out-loud triumph’ ALISON ESPACH, Author of

Wreck The Wedding People

‘Comforting, satisfying, delicious’

So when a former classmate of Jamie’s dies in a seemingly random accident, Rocky becomes obsessed. She’s also developed a niggling medical condition that won’t go away. On the surface, she is still living her best life as the irreverent, funny, unpredictable beating heart of her family. Her father is his unique, adorable self; Willa is prone to bouts of existential angst whilst berating the fact that her mother has zero filter; Nick is steady, logical, sometimes infuriating.

But if accidents can happen – and they do – is it safe to love anyone?

RACHEL JOYCE, Author of

The Homemade God

£ 1 6 .9 9

FOIL EMBOSS DEBOSS POPSET CLEAR FOIL PANTONE DESIGNER

SIGN/DATE

Wreck

ALSO BY CATHERINE NEWMAN We All Want Impossible Things

Sandwich

Wreck Wreck

C AT I NEE N NE EW WMA C AT HH EE RRI N AN N

TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia India | New Zealand | South Africa Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

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This edition first published in Great Britain 2026 by Doubleday an imprint of Transworld Publishers 001 Copyright © Catherine Newman 2025 The moral right of the author has been asserted.

This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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For Michael, Ben, and Birdy, for every reason

What Whata large a largetarget targetwewemake. make.

The Thegreat greatdramas dramasallallbegin beginlike likethis: this: a surfeit a surfeitof ofhappiness, happiness, a glassa glasssmoothed smoothedpond pond just justbegging beggingforfora stone. a stone.

—— Beth Beth Ann Ann Fennelly, Fennelly, “The “The Gods Gods Watch Watch UsUs Through Through the the Window” Window”

Death Deathis isa sniper. a sniper.

It Itstrikes strikespeople peopleyou youlove, love, people peopleyou youlike, like, people peopleyou youknow— know— it’sit’severywhere. everywhere.

You Youcould couldbebenext. next.

But But then thenyou youturn turnoutoutnot notto tobe.be.

But Butthen thenagain, again, you youcould couldbe.be.

—— Nora Nora Ephron, Ephron, Feel Bad Bad aBout aBout MM yN y eck Neck I FIeel

The dark grid of the town is punctuated only with streetlamps and garage lights and fireflies, although the bird can sense every living thing: ripples beneath a crisping lawn, a body’s rogue cells, the smell of vole, a mother’s worried heart beating inside her rib cage. Here’s something else it sees: a car moving perpendicular to a moving train, both slicing through the quiet toward the same crossing. The car travels at one speed, the train another, and this great horned owl, perched on the branch of an Eastern white pine a hundred and fifty feet above them, doesn’t know algebra—can’t predict when car and train will intersect—but if it had hands, it would cover its ears.

Because a great screeching has begun.

Chapter Chapter11

II

n none onesingle singleday, day,inintwo twodifferent differentdirections, directions,my mylife lifeswerves swerves from fromitsitspath. path.Even Evenif ifI don’t I don’tknow knowit itatatthe thetime. time.And Andeven evenif if you youmight mightnot nottechnically technicallycall callit itday, day,given giventhat thatit’sit’sthe themiddle middle ofofthe thenight. night.There’s There’sa headlamp a headlampshining shiningout outfrom frommy myforehead forehead like likeI’m I’ma aminer, miner,and andwhat whatI’m I’mmining miningis ismy myown owninsomnia. insomnia.

Like LikeI’m I’ma spelunker, a spelunker,penetrating penetratinga deep a deepcave cavethat thatis isfilled filledonly only and andcompletely completelywith withthe theabsence absenceofofsleep. sleep.

I move I movemy myhand handtototurn turna page a pageofofthe thenovel novelI’m I’mreading, reading,and and the thelight lightcatches catchessomething somethingononmy myarm, arm,just justbelow belowmy myelbow: elbow:a a red redbump bumpwith withthree threesmaller smallerred redbumps bumpstrailing trailingaway awayfrom fromit— it— a kind a kindofofdermatological dermatologicalshooting shootingstar. star.The Thebumps bumpsare arespherical spherical and andshiny. shiny.Pearlescent Pearlescentis isthe theword wordthat thatcomes comestotome. me.

Hey, Hey,Nick, Nick,what whatdodoyou youthink thinkthis thisis?is?I Idon’t don’tsay sayout outloud, loud, because becausemy myhusband husbandis isasleep asleepthe theway wayregular regularpeople peopleare areatat 3:38 3:38a.m. a.m.Also Alsobecause becauseI know I knowhehewouldn’t wouldn’thelp helpme. me.He’d He’dpeer peer atatthe thebumps bumpsand andshrug. shrug.Spider Spiderbites? bites?OrOrhe’d he’dsay, say,Here?

Here?and and touch touchmy myboob boobbecause becauseweweare arestarring starringinina aperpetual perpetualmiddlemiddleaged agedremake remakeofofPorky’s Porky’sII.II.Or, Or,worse, worse,he’d he’dsquint squintatatthem themand and say, say,I can’t I can’tseeseeanything. anything.This?

This?and andpoint pointtotoa freckle a frecklethat thatis iscomcompletely pletelyunrelated unrelatedtotothe thelikelihood likelihoodofofmy myimminent imminentdeath deathfrom from pearlescent pearlescentmelanoma melanomaororwhatever whateverthe theactual actualfuck fuckthis thisis.is.

4 4 Catherine Catherine Newman Newman

I click I clickoffoffmy myheadlamp headlampand andlielieininthe thedark, dark,listening listeningtotothe the latelateAugust Augustcrickets cricketssing singtheir theirsong songabout aboutthe thenight. night.The Thetrick, trick, asasevery everyinsomniac insomniacknows, knows,is istotofall fallback backtotosleep sleepbefore beforethe the birds birdsstart startsinging singingtheir theirsong songabout aboutthe themorning. morning.Don’t Don’tgoogle googleit,it, I think I thinktotomyself— myself— too toolate, late,because becauseI am I amalready alreadyupupand andheaded headed forforthe thekitchen, kitchen,where whereI leave I leavemy myphone phonesosoI won’t I won’tlook lookatatit itinin the themiddle middleofofthe thenight. night.

“No, “No,no, no,sillies, sillies,not notyet,” yet,”I say I saytotothe thepussycats, pussycats,who whoare arebusy busy flinging flingingthemselves themselvespast pastme medown downthe thestairs, stairs,falling fallingdown downthe the stairs stairsininfront frontofofme, me,talking talkingallallthe theway waydown downthe thestairs stairsabout about their theirbreakfast breakfastand andhow howexcited excitedthey theyare aretotoeateatit.it.I Ican canonly only assume assumethat thatthis thisis ishow howI will I willbreak breakmy myfirst firsthip. hip.

Here’s Here’swhat’s what’strue trueabout aboutthe theInternet: Internet:very veryinfrequently infrequentlydodo people peoplelog logononwith withtheir theirgood goodnews. news.Gosh, Gosh,they theydon’t don’twrite, write,I I had hadthis thisweird weirdrash rashononmymyforearm? forearm?And Andit itturned turnedoutouttotobebecomcompletely pletelynothing! nothing!Because Becauseafter afterI return I returntotobed, bed,take takea apicture pictureofof the thebumps, bumps,and andplug plugit itinto intothe thesearch searchengine, engine,and andafter afterI wade I wade past pastthe theWebMD WebMDshallows shallowsofofbites bitesand andmites, mites,I am I amdeep deepininthe the Reddit Redditthread threadr/melahomies, r/melahomies,where whereone oneperson personhas hasresponded responded totoanother, another,like likethe theworld’s world’smost mostperfect perfectbumper bumpersticker, sticker,Just Just because becauseyou’re you’rea hypochondriac a hypochondriacdoesn’t doesn’tmean meanit’sit’snot notmalignant. malignant.

But Butwhat’s what’salso alsotrue trueis isthat thatthis thisreally reallydoesn’t doesn’tlook looklike likeany any ofofthe thetruly trulybad badskin skinthings. things.IfIfit’sit’sgalactic, galactic,it’sit’smore morechampagne champagne supernova supernovathan, than,say, say,dark darknebula. nebula.IfIfit’sit’scancer, cancer,it’sit’smore morebasal basal cell cellcarcinoma carcinomathan thanmetastatic metastaticmelanoma. melanoma.Suboptimal, Suboptimal,sure, sure, but butnot notcatastrophic. catastrophic.Knock Knockwood, wood,kinahora, kinahora,inshallah, inshallah,etc. etc.

Chicken, Chicken,the theolder oldercat, cat,is ispleading pleadinghishiscase caseforforme metotore-return turndownstairs downstairsand andopen opena can a canofoffood. food.He Heis isstanding standingononmy my chest chestand andneck, neck,peering peeringaround aroundthe thephone phonewith withhishismassive massiveface, face,

Wreck Wreck 5 5

purring purringencouragingly, encouragingly,and anddrooling droolinglike likea Newfoundland. a Newfoundland.He He gives givesmy myeyebrow eyebrowananoccasional occasionalperfunctory perfunctorylick. lick.Meanwhile Meanwhile Angie Angiethe thetabbytabbystriped stripedkitten kittenis isasleep asleepagain, again,curled curledaround around herself herselfononmy mypillow pillowlike likea ahibernating hibernatingchipmunk. chipmunk.I Ihave havetoto stop stopmyself myselffrom fromwaking wakingNick Nicktotoexclaim exclaimwith withme meover overthe the unbearable unbearablecuteness cutenessofofher herbeing. being.

“Hey, “Hey,Big BigChungus,” Chungus,”I whisperI whisperscold scoldthe thebig bigcat, cat,kissing kissinghishis whiskery whiskerycheeks. cheeks.“Take “Takea alittle littlebreak breakfrom fromyourself.” yourself.”I turn I turnonon my myside sideand andhehesighs, sighs,gives givesup, up,curls curlsinto intothe thecrook crookofofmy myhip hip and andfalls fallsimmediately, immediately,voluptuously voluptuouslytotosleep, sleep,snoring snoringlike likea cara cartoon toonhuman. human.I am I amputting puttingmy myphone phoneaway. away.I am.

I am.But ButI just I justpeek peek atatthe thelocal localnews newsand andthere, there,among amongthe theusual usualheadlines headlinesabout about the thecounty countyfair fairand andthe thelunch lunchmenu menuatatthe thesenior seniorcenter centerand anda a resigning resigningtown townadministrator, administrator,is isthis: this:“One “OneDead DeadininCollision Collision between betweenTrain, Train,Car.” Car.”And Anda aflush flushofofgoose goosebumps bumpsrises risesupupmy my arms. arms.The Thebirds birdsare aresinging. singing.

Chapter Chapter22

II

’m’mononhold holdwith withthe thedermatologist’s dermatologist’soffice officeand andalso alsostanding standing onona astool stoolwith witha ascrewdriver screwdriverininmy myhand, hand,trying tryingtotodeal dealwith with the thebroken brokenfan, fan,which whichmakes makesananoccasional occasionalrevving revvingsound soundand and then thenclatters clattersaround aroundlike likeit’sit’sa helicopter a helicopterabout abouttotoliftliftoffofffrom fromthe the ceiling. ceiling.

Calls Callswill willbebeanswered answeredininthetheorder orderthey theyarearereceived, received,a robot a robotis is telling tellingme. me.“In “Inthe theorder orderininwhich whichthey theyare arereceived,” received,”I say I sayout out loud, loud,correctingly, correctingly,like likeI’m I’msquinting squintinggrimly grimlythrough throughmy mybifobifocals calsatata schoolchild a schoolchildI’m I’mabout abouttotopaddle. paddle.

“Honey, “Honey,honey, honey,no.” no.”Nick Nickhas hascome comeinto intothe thekitchen. kitchen.He He reaches reachesupupa hand a handtotohelp helpme medown downand andunlaces unlacesmy myfingers fingersfrom from the the screwdriver. screwdriver.

“Let “Let me.” me.”

He He likes likes toto dodo the the man man things things around around the thehouse— house— the thesnaking snakingofofdrains drainsand andthe thesplicing splicingofofwires wiresand and whatnot— whatnot— and andalso alsohehehas hasenjoyed enjoyedmore morethan thanhishisfair fairshare shareofof my myextreme extremehormonal hormonalimpatience. impatience.For Forexample, example,it’sit’snot notout outofof the thequestion questionthat thatI’llI’llGodzilla Godzillathe theentire entirefan fanout outofofthe theceiling ceiling and andthrow throwit ittotothe thefloor, floor,screaming. screaming.

“Hey, “Hey,dodoyou you. .. .”. .”hehestarts startstotosay, say,and andI hold I holdupupa afinger. finger.

“Not “Noturgent, urgent,no,” no,”I say I saytotothe theappointments appointmentsperson, person,who whois isback back ononthe theline lineand andlooking lookingatather hercalendar. calendar.She Sheoffers offersme meFebruFebruary ary7,7,which whichis ismore morethan thanfive fivemonths monthsfrom fromnow, now,sosoI change I change

Wreck Wreck 7 7

my mymind mindabout aboutthe theurgency urgencyofofthe therash. rash.There’s There’sa acancellation cancellation forforthis thiscoming comingFriday, Friday,and andI take I takeit.it.

“Ugh, “Ugh,why whyis isthe thefloor floorsososlippery slipperyand andsticky?” sticky?”This Thisis isour our daughter, daughter,Willa, Willa,flopping floppingherself herselfonto ontothe thecouch couchininour ourkitchen. kitchen.

“And “Andugly.” ugly.”

“Because, “Because,my myprincess princessangel angelbaby, baby,it’sit’smade madeofofugly uglytiles tiles and andwe’re we’retoo toocheap cheapand andlazy lazytotoreplace replacethem themand andit’sit’shumid. humid.

OrOrmaybe maybebecause becausewe’re we’rebad badparents. parents.Do Doyou youwant wanttotoput putsome some slippers slipperson? on?It’s It’shot hottoday. today.Do Doyou youwant wanttotowear wearsomething something that’s that’snot notthat thatmassive massivehoodie hoodiewith withthe thehood hoodup?” up?”

“I“Idodonot,” not,”she shesays. says.“But “Butdodoyou youwant wanttotobring bringme meover oversome some watermelon watermeloneven eventhough thoughI’m I’ma cranky a crankyasshole?” asshole?”

I do, I do,given giventhat thatindulgence indulgenceseems seemstotobebethe theonly onlyreligion religionI I practice. practice.My Mydad dadcomes comesininthe thekitchen kitchendoor doorwhile whileI’m I’mcutting cutting the therind rindoffoffthe themelon. melon.My Mymom momdied dieda little a littleover overa year a yearago, ago, and andhe’s he’slived livedininthe theininlaw lawapartment apartmentbehind behindour ourhouse housesince since then. then.He Hehasn’t hasn’tgiven givenupuphis hisrentrentcontrolled controlledapartment apartmentinin New NewYork— York— he’s he’sjust justtesting testingthis thisout outforfornow. now.“Good “Goodmorning, morning, everybody,” everybody,”hehesays. says.He’s He’sshaved shavedand andshowered, showered,asasalways, always, and andis iswearing wearingkhaki khakipants, pants,a clean a cleannavynavyblue bluesweatshirt, sweatshirt,and and New NewBalance Balancesneakers. sneakers.

“Do “DoI have I havetototake takemy mysneakers sneakersoff?” off?”hehesays, says,like likehehedoes does every everymorning. morning.“I“Iknow knowyou youpeople peopledon’t don’tlike likeshoes shoestouching touching your yourfloor.” floor.”

“You’re “You’refine, fine,Dad,” Dad,”I say, I say,like likeI do I doevery everymorning. morning.

“I“Idon’t don’tknow knowabout aboutfine,” fine,”hehesays, says,“but “butI Iseem seemtotobebestill still alive, alive,sosothere’s there’sthat.” that.”

“Good “Good morning, morning, Grandpa.”

Grandpa.”

Willa Willa pats pats the the couch couch next next toto her, her, and andheheshuffles shufflesover, over,lowers lowershimself himselfwith withananenormous enormousgroan. groan.

8 8 Catherine Catherine Newman Newman

“Why “Whyis isthis thiscouch couchsosolow?” low?”hehesays, says,and andWilla Willalaughs laughsand and says, says,“We’re “We’reininthe theexact exactsame samemood moodtoday.” today.”

“It’s “It’sfreezing freezingout outininthe theshack,” shack,”hehesays, says,and andI sigh.

I sigh.It’sIt’sthe the only onlypart partofofthe thehouse housewe’ve we’veactually actuallyrenovated, renovated,and andit’sit’sgot got hardwood hardwoodfloors, floors,pretty prettymolding, molding,and andskylights. skylights.AAwaterfall waterfall showerhead, showerhead,quartz quartzcountertops, countertops,and anda aview viewout outtotothe themounmountain tainrange rangefrom fromevery everywindow. window.The Thebig bighouse houseis isallallFormica Formicaand and textured texturedceilings— ceilings— although althoughour ourkitchen kitchenis issunny sunnyand andglorious, glorious, with witha glass a glassdoor doorout outtotothe theyard, yard,a woodstove, a woodstove,and andthis thiscouch, couch, where whereeverybody everybodycongregates congregatesday dayand andnight. night.

“Dad, “Dad,dodoyou youwant wanttototurn turnyour yourAC ACdown?” down?”I say.

I say.

“It“Itgets getsvery verywarm warmback backthere,” there,”hehesays, says,and andI smile I smileatathim. him.

“I“Ihear hearhow howI Isound,” sound,”hehesays sayssorrowfully. sorrowfully.“Like “Likemy myown own father.” father.”He Heshakes shakeshishishead headbefore beforeadding, adding,“Doesn’t “Doesn’tanybody anybody work workaround aroundhere?” here?”

I Ialmost almostsay, say,“No, “No,Dad, Dad,nobody nobodyworks worksaround aroundhere.” here.”But But then thenthe thetruth truthis?is?We Wedodokind kindofofwork workabnormally. abnormally.Nick Nickis isa a physical physicaltherapist therapistand andworks worksodd oddand, and,if ifyou youask askme, me,excessively excessively discretionary discretionaryhours. hours.I’m I’ma awriter writerand and“work” “work”mostly mostlyfrom frombed. bed.

Willa Willaworks worksatata alablabatatthe thebig biguniversity universityinintown, town,dissecting dissecting fruit fruitflyflybrains brainsforformoney, money,while whileshe sheapplies appliestotoneuroscience neuroscience PhD PhDprograms. programs.Jamie, Jamie,her herolder olderbrother, brother,is isthe theonly onlyperson person who whohas haswhat whatone onemight mighttraditionally traditionallycall calla ajob— job— he’s he’sa ajunior junior analyst analystatatDickens, Dickens,the thekind kindofofmassive massiveconsulting consultingfirm firmthat, that, say, say,helps helpsrebrand rebrandthe theflameflameretardant retardantchemical chemicalcompany companyafter after everyone’s everyone’spajamas pajamasgive givethem themcancer cancerand andthey theydie— die— but buthehelives lives ininNew NewYork, York,and andis isnot nothere heretotorepresent representour ourindustriousness industriousness asasa family. a family.

“It’s “It’sthe theweekend, weekend,Grandpa,” Grandpa,”Willa Willasays. says.

Wreck Wreck 9 9

“Ah.” “Ah.” He He shrugs. shrugs.

“It’s “It’s allall the the same same toto me.” me.”

Me Me too, too, apparently. apparently.

“But “Butcan cansomeone someonegive giveme mea aride ridetotothe thelablablater? later?I have I havetoto make makeflyflyfood. food.Also, Also,I have I havetotoeuthanize euthanizesome someparents parentssosothey they don’t don’tinbreed inbreedwith withthe thehatching hatchinglarvae.” larvae.”

“Ew,” “Ew,”I say.

I say.

“Coffee?”

“Coffee?”my mydad dadsays. says.

“Coffee?”

“Coffee?”I say I sayback backtotohim, him,and andhehesays, says,“Thank “Thankyou. you.I’dI’d love lovesome.” some.”

“I“Ithink thinkmy mycoffee coffeeinvitation invitationmaybe maybegot gotlost lostininthe themail,” mail,” Willa Willasays, says,and andthen, then,when whenI Ipour pourtwo twomugs, mugs,she sheclaps clapsher her hands handstogether togetherprayerfully prayerfullyand andsays, says,“Iced?

“Iced?Pleeeeease?

Pleeeeease?Lots Lotsofof halfhalfandandhalf. half.Maple Maplesyrup. syrup.You’re You’rethe theactual actualbest. best.Dad, Dad,please please don’t don’telectrocute electrocuteyourself, yourself,okay?” okay?”

“I“Idisconnected disconnectedthe thepower powersupply,” supply,”Nick Nicksays saysfrom frominside inside the thefan. fan.

“Okay, “Okay,but butdon’t, don’t,like, like,fall falloffoffthat thatstool stooland andbreak breakyour yourneck neck either.” either.”

“Wait, “Wait,dodoorordon’t don’tfall falloffoffthe thestool?” stool?”

“Ha “Hahahaha, ha,it’sit’svery veryfunny funnywhen whensomebody somebodyhas hasanananxiety anxiety disorder,” disorder,”Willa Willasays, says,and andI Isee seeNick Nickturn turntotolook lookatather— her— evaluating— evaluating— before beforehehesays, says,ininearnest, earnest,“I’ll “I’llbebecareful. careful.I promise.”

I promise.”

“Dad, “Dad,when whenyou’re you’redone donewith withthe thefan, fan,can canyou youlook lookatatthe the upstairs upstairstoilet? toilet?I think I thinksomething somethingneeds needstotobebeadjusted adjustedororelse else maybe maybewewejust justneed needa anew newtoilet toiletpencil.” pencil.”My Mydad dadlooks looksatather her questioningly. questioningly.“You “Youhave havetotopoke pokea apencil pencilinto intothe theplace placewhere where the theflusher flusherbroke brokeoff,” off,”Willa Willaexplains, explains,and andmy mydad’s dad’seyebrows eyebrows rise, rise,but buthehemakes makesnonocomment. comment.

I Ireturn returntotocutting cuttingupupthe themelon, melon,and andWilla Willaand andmy mydad dad drink drinkcoffee coffeeand andlook lookatattheir theirphones. phones.

1010 Catherine Catherine Newman Newman

“Everybody’s “Everybody’svideos videosare aresuddenly suddenlyabout aboutmorgues morguesononcruise cruise ships,” ships,”Willa Willaannounces. announces.“Not “Notmy myfavorite.” favorite.”

“Oh,” “Oh,”I say, I say,“I“Iactually actuallyhad hada dream a dreamthat thatyou youand andDad— Dad— ”” “Ugh!” “Ugh!”Willa Willasays. says.“Why “Whyare areother otherpeople’s people’sdreams dreamssosoborboring? ing?Sorry, Sorry,sorry. sorry.Go Goahead, ahead,Mama.”

Mama.”

“Are “Areyou youholding holdingspace spaceforformy mydream?” dream?”I say, I say,and andshe shelaughs laughs and andsays saysno. no.

My Mydad, dad,meanwhile, meanwhile,is istrying tryingtotoremember rememberthe thename nameofofthe the plumber plumberininhishisbuilding buildingininNew NewYork.

York.“Do “Doyou youneed needsomething something done?” done?”I ask, I ask,and andhehesays saysno, no,just justthat thatit’sit’sdriving drivinghim himcrazy crazythat that hehecan’t can’tremember. remember.

“Shit,” “Shit,”Willa Willasays sayssuddenly. suddenly.“A“Akid kidfrom fromJamie’s Jamie’shigh highschool school class classdied. died.Miles MilesZapf.

Zapf.Oh Ohmy mygod. god.Mom. Mom.His Hiscar cargot gothithitbybya a train.” train.”I look I lookover overand andher herface faceis isa round a roundwhite whitetablecloth tableclothwith with saucer saucereyes eyesand anda tiny a tinyfringe fringeofofdark darkcrew crewcut. cut.

“I“Isaw sawthat thattoo,” too,”I say.

I say.Watermelon Watermelonjuice juiceis isrunning runningoffoffthe the cutting cuttingboard boardonto ontothe thecounter, counter,and andI’m I’musing usinga sponge a spongetotostop stopit it from from running running onto onto the the floor. floor.

“It’s “It’s soso sad, sad, honey. honey.

Are Are you you reading reading the thestory storyininthe theGazette?”

Gazette?”

“No, “No,no. no.People Peopleare aretalking talkingabout aboutit itonline— online— people peoplefrom from high highschool. school.I Idon’t don’tthink thinkJamie Jamiewas wasreally reallyfriends friendswith withhim, him, but butstill. still.It’sIt’ssosoawful. awful.I mean— I mean— he’s he’sJamie’s Jamie’sage. age.Was. Was.It Itfeels feelssoso close closetotous.” us.”The Therims rimsofofher hereyes eyesturn turnred redthen thenspill spillover overwith with tears, tears,and andshe shepulls pullsher herknees kneesupupinto intoher hersweatshirt. sweatshirt.I Ibring bring her herthe thebox boxofoftissues tissuesand andbend benddown downtotohug hugher, her,squeeze squeezeinin next nexttotoher herononthe thecouch couchand andslide slideananarm armbehind behindher. her.She Sheleans leans against againstme meand andcries criesa little, a little,blows blowsher hernose. nose.“It’s “It’ssosoweird,” weird,”she she says. says.“I“Imean, mean,not notweird— weird— sad. sad.But Butweird weirdtoo. too.We Weknow knowhim. him.It It could couldbebeJamie Jamieororany anyofofhishisfriends.” friends.”My Mydad dadpats patsher hershoulder, shoulder,

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hishiseyebrows eyebrowspulled pulledworriedly worriedlyinto intohishisforehead. forehead.We’ve We’vekept kept the theworst worstofofit itfrom fromhim— him— the theway wayWilla’s Willa’smind mindcan canslide slideinto into catastrophe— catastrophe— but butI know I knowhehefrets fretsabout abouther herwellwellbeing. being.He Heonce once asked askedme meif ifI’dI’dnoticed noticedthat thatshe sheseemed seemedoverly overlysensitive, sensitive,and andI I almost almostrolled rolledmy myeyes— eyes— it’sit’sthe thesame sameexpression expressionI overheard I overheardhim him and andmy mymom momusing usingabout aboutme, me,when whenI was I wasa atearfully tearfullyanxious anxious teenager teenager myself. myself.

“That’s “That’s not not the the clinical clinical diagnosis diagnosis they they use use these these days, days,but butyeah,” yeah,”I said, I said,and andthen thensaw sawthat thathishisface facewas wascreased creased with withconcern. concern.“Don’t “Don’tworry, worry,Dad, Dad,we’re we’redealing dealingwith withit,”it,”I said I said gently, gently,and andhehesaid, said,“Of “Ofcourse courseyou youare. are.I just I justwant wanteveryone everyonetoto bebehappy.” happy.”“Same,” “Same,”I said I saidtruthfully. truthfully.

Willa Willa is is showing showing me me the the school school picture picture someone someone has has posted. posted.

AAboy boywith withbrown brownhair hairand anda athin thinsmile. smile.AAblue blueshirt shirtwith witha a collar. collar.AAface faceI Idon’t don’tquite quiteremember rememberbut butthat thatlooks looksfamiliar familiar enough. enough.Somebody’s Somebody’schild childwho whois isnonolonger longeralive. alive.“How “Howdoes doesa a car carend endupupgetting gettinghithitbybya train?” a train?”Willa Willasays. says.

“I’m “I’mnot notsure,” sure,”I Isay. say.Although AlthoughI Ihave havesome someideas ideasI Idon’t don’t share. share.

“That’s “That’ssososad,” sad,”Nick Nicksays saysfrom fromsomewhere somewhereabove aboveus,us,hishis face faceobscured obscuredbybya afan fanblade. blade.“Wasn’t “Wasn’theheananUltimate UltimateFrisbee Frisbee player?” player?”hehesays, says,and andWilla Willashakes shakesher herhead. head.

“Definitely “Definitelynot.” not.”

“Was “Washehea theater a theaterkid? kid?I feel I feellike likeI almost I almostremember rememberseeing seeing him himininstuff.” stuff.”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe?”Willa Willasays. says.“No. “No.I don’t I don’tthink thinkso.so.Oh, Oh,maybe maybehehe did didtech? tech?He Hemight mighthave havedone donethe thelighting lightingforforLittle LittleShop Shopwhen when Jamie Jamiewas wasininthe thepitpitband. band.I’m I’mnot notsure.” sure.”

“Little “LittleShop ShopofofHorrors— Horrors— wewewent wenttotothat,” that,”my mydad dadsays, says, surprising surprisingususthat’s that’she’s he’sbeen beenboth bothlistening listeningand andhearing. hearing.And And

1212 Catherine Catherine Newman Newman

remembering rememberingtoo, too,forforthat thatmatter. matter.“Grandma “Grandmadidn’t didn’tcare careforforthat that scene scenewith withthe thedentist.” dentist.”This Thisis istrue— true— she’d she’dstretched stretchedher herface face into intoa grimace a grimacewhen whenhe’d he’dsung sungabout aboutthe thejoyjoyofofinflicting inflictingperiperiodontal odontalpain. pain.“Also, “Also,where wherewewewere weresitting— sitting— wewecould couldhardly hardly see seeJamie Jamiebehind behindthe thepiano. piano.There Therewas wasthat thatbig biglight lightshining shining right rightininour oureyes.” eyes.”This Thiswas wasalmost almostten tenyears yearsago. ago.

“I“Iremember rememberthat,” that,”I say.

I say.

“Let “Letme mesee seehim,” him,”hehesays, says,and andWilla Willahands handshim himher herphone. phone.

He Hetakes takeshishisglasses glassesoffofftotolook, look,then thenshakes shakeshishishead. head.“Awful,” “Awful,” hehesays. says.“Poor “Poorkid. kid.Zapf.

Zapf.Do DoI Iknow knowthat thatname?” name?”We Wedon’t don’t know. know.

“I“Ithink thinkI played I playedbridge bridgeatatthe therecreccenter centerwith withhishismother? mother?

IsIsthat thatpossible?” possible?”He Heis isliterally literallyscratching scratchinghishishead. head.“It’s “It’sringing ringing a abell. bell.AAdim dimone. one.I Ican’t can’tquite quiteremember,” remember,”hehesays. says.“Which “Which I Irealize realizeis isnot notnews. news.But ButI Ithink thinkso,so,yes. yes.Pat PatZapf.

Zapf.No, No,no. no.

Sam? Sam?That Thatkind kindofofname. name.She Shewas wasmy myage, age,though. though.It Itmust musthave have been beenhishisgrandmother, grandmother,I guess.

I guess.Chris.

Chris.I think I thinkshe shewas wasa abitbitofof a screwball.” a screwball.”

“Like, “Like,eccentric?” eccentric?”Willa Willaasks. asks.

“No, “No,no. no.More Morelike likeshe’d she’dbeen beenininand andout outofofpsychiatric psychiatric hospitals.” hospitals.”

“Like, “Like,she shewas wasmentally mentallyill?” ill?”

“Yeah.

“Yeah.I guess I guessshe shewas wasmore moreofofa clinical a clinicalscrewball.” screwball.”

“Girl,” “Girl,”Willa Willascolds scoldshim. him.“No.” “No.” My Mydad dadshrugs, shrugs,says, says,“I“Iam amwhat whatI am,” I am,”sips sipshishiscoffee, coffee,spills spills some somedown downthe thefront frontofofhishissweatshirt sweatshirtand andcurses. curses.Willa Willablots blots him himwith withthe thetissue tissueshe’s she’sstill stillgot gotballed balledupupininher herhand. hand.I stand I stand totoget getthe thebowl bowlofofwatermelon watermeloncubes, cubes,situate situateit itbetween betweenthem them ononthe thecouch, couch,and andhand handthem themeach eacha fork. a fork.

Wreck Wreck 1313

“Was “Wasanyone anyoneelse elsehurt?” hurt?”Nick Nickasks. asks.He’s He’sstanding standingononthe the counter counternow, now,crouched crouchedunder underthe theceiling ceilingtotoscrew screwa apair pairofof lightbulbs lightbulbsback backinto intothe thefan fanfixture. fixture.

“I“Idon’t don’tthink thinkso,” so,”Willa Willasays. says.“I’m “I’mreading readingthis thisnow. now.It Itwas was just justthe theone onecar. car.I don’t I don’tsee seeanything anythingabout aboutthe thetrain— train— like likethe the passengers passengersororanything.” anything.”

“I“Ithink thinkit itwas wasa afreight freighttrain,” train,”I say.

I say.“So, “So,a adriver driverbut butnono passengers. passengers.ItItwas wasatatthat thathorrible horriblerailroad railroadcrossing crossingininHampHampton.” ton.”

“Ugh— “Ugh— that thatone onewhere whereyou youcan’t can’ttell tellwhere whereyou youshould shouldeven even stop stopbecause becauseofofthe thetraffic trafficlight lightright rightafter? after?I hate I hatethat thatcrossing,” crossing,” Willa Willasays. says.She’s She’sgot gota mouthful a mouthfulofofmelon, melon,which whichshe sheslurps slurpsand and swallows swallowsbefore beforeadding, adding,“I“Iwill willliterally literallydrive drivefifteen fifteenminutes minutes out outofofmy myway waytotoavoid avoidit.”it.”

“Smart,” “Smart,”my mydad dadsays. says.“Avoiding “Avoidinglevel levelcrossings— crossings— that thatreally really is isthe thebest bestway waytotonot notget gethithitbybya train.” a train.”

“I“Idon’t don’tknow knowthe theterm termlevel levelcrossing,” crossing,”Willa Willasays, says,and andmy my dad dadexplains explainsthat thatit’sit’sjust justany anyintersection intersectionbetween betweentracks tracksand and roadway. roadway.

“But “Butmaybe maybethat’s that’sa aBritish Britishterm,” term,”hehesays. says.“I“Isay sayallallthese these stupid stupidthings thingsbecause becauseGrandma Grandmasaid saidthem.” them.”He’s He’stalking talkingabout about my myBritish Britishmother. mother.“Herbs,” “Herbs,”hehesays, says,emphasizing emphasizingthe theH.H.“I“I say sayshashaLOT LOTlike likea adingbat, dingbat,even eventhough thoughregular regularpeople peoplesay say SHALLot. SHALLot.Gooseflesh Goosefleshinstead insteadofofgoose goosebumps. bumps.Maybe Maybewewejust just call callthose thoserailroad railroadcrossings. crossings.Ack! Ack!You Youagain.” again.”The Thekitten kittenhas has climbed climbedupupinto intohishislap, lap,and andhehestrokes strokesher hersmall smallhead headwith witha a large, large,open openhand, hand,the theway wayyou youwould wouldpet peta dog. a dog.She Sheflattens flattensher her ears earsand andher hereyes eyesturn turninto intohappy happyslits. slits.She Shehas hasananactual actuallittle little smile, smile,like likea drawing a drawingofofa cat. a cat.“Don’t “Don’tspill spillmy mycoffee coffeeagain,” again,”my my

1414 Catherine Catherine Newman Newman

dad dadsays saystotoher herand andWilla Willasays, says,“He’s “He’sgaslighting gaslightingyou, you,Angie.

Angie.

He Hespilled spilledit itallallbybyhimself.” himself.”

“Rogney!”

“Rogney!” my my dad dad announces. announces.

When When nobody nobody says says anything, anything, heheadds, adds,“The “Theplumber.” plumber.”

“Rogney?”

“Rogney?”Willa Willasays. says.“Are “Areyou yousure sureit’sit’snot notRodney?”

Rodney?”

“That “Thatseems seemsmore moreplausible,” plausible,”my mydad dadsays. says.

“I“Ishould shouldcall callJamie,” Jamie,”I Isay. say.“About “AboutMiles.”

Miles.”Willa Willashakes shakes her herhead. head.

“You “Youdon’t don’tneed needtotocall callJamie,” Jamie,”she shesays saysgently. gently.“He’ll “He’lldefidefinitely nitelyhear hearabout aboutthe theaccident, accident,and andhe’ll he’llcall callususorortext textif ifhehe wants wantstototalk. talk.I don’t I don’tthink thinkyou youneed needto,to,like, like,burst burstinto intohishisday day and andalert alerthim.” him.”

I am I ambecoming becomingmy myown ownmother. mother.I’m I’mafraid afraidI’ve I’vea abitbitofofsad sad news newswas wasone oneofofher herfavorite favoriteconversation conversationopeners. openers.

“REMEMBER “REMEMBERTHE THEHEALTHHEALTHFOOD FOODSTORE STOREON ONNinetyNinetySeventh Seventh

Street?”

Street?”

“No.” “No.” “Yes, “Yes,you youdo. do.Where Whereweweused usedtotobuy buythat thatgranola granolawith withthe the sliced slicedalmonds almondsininit.”it.”

“The “Thecorner cornerstore?” store?”

“No! “No!The Thehealthhealthfood foodstore.” store.”

“Wait.

“Wait.

Do Do you you mean mean the the Whole Whole Foods Foods onon NinetyNinetySeventh?”

Seventh?”

“Of “Ofcourse coursenot! not!The Thelittle littlehealthhealthfood foodstore storenext nexttotothe thedry dry cleaners cleanersononColumbus— Columbus— with withthe thebulk bulknut nutbins. bins.Where WhereI used I used totoget getthose thoselozenges.” lozenges.”

“Okay.

“Okay.Yes. Yes.Tell Tellme. me.What?

What?Did Didit itclose?” close?”

“No. “No.But Butthe thelovely lovelyman manwho whoowned ownedit— it— Robby.

Robby.OrOrwas wasit it Bobby?”

Bobby?”

Wreck Wreck 1515

“Oh, “Oh,sad! sad!He Hedied?” died?”

“No, “No,but buthehehad hada adreadful dreadfulcase caseofofshingles, shingles,and andnow nowhe’s he’s had hadsome someneuropathy neuropathyininhishisfoot.” foot.”

I JUST I JUST WANT WANT TOTO CONNECT CONNECT is iswhat whatshe shewas wasprobably probablytrying tryingtotosay say

totome. me.OrOreven, even,I’m I’m afraid afraid I’llI’ll die— die— oror you you will. will.I don’t I don’tknow knowwhy why allallour ourtender tenderfeelings feelingshave havetotomasquerade masqueradeasasnews. news.

“VOILÀ!”

“VOILÀ!”NICK NICKISISSAYING SAYINGASASheheflips flipsa aswitch. switch.The Thefan fanwhirs whirstoto

life lifeand anddoesn’t doesn’twobble. wobble.We Wecheer. cheer.The Themotor motormakes makesa cracking a cracking sound soundand andthen thena grinding a grindingone. one.Smoke Smokewisps wispsout, out,the thelightbulbs lightbulbs both bothping pingdark, dark,and andNick Nickgroans. groans.

“Could “CouldI get I getanother anothercup cupofofcoffee, coffee,dodoyou youthink?” think?”my mydad dad says. says.

And AndI say, I say,“Of “Ofcourse.” course.”

Chapter Chapter33

II

’m’mback backatatit— it— ononmy myphone phoneininthe thenight, night,scrolling scrollingthrough through our ourlocal localBuy BuyNothing Nothinggroup, group,where wheremany many“gifts” “gifts”are areononoffer: offer: a aStarbucks Starbuckscard cardthat thatmay mayorormay maynot nothave haveany anymoney moneyleft leftonon it,it,two twobroken brokentelevision televisionsets, sets,a dota dotmatrix matrixprinter, printer,a cardboard a cardboard box boxfull fullofof“pretty “prettynice nicegravel,” gravel,”a plastic a plastictortoiseshell tortoiseshelleyeglasses eyeglasses chain chainalong alongwith witha pair a pairofofsporks sporks(“Please (“Pleasetake takeall”), all”),a collection a collection ofofbarely barelyexpired expiredPortuguese Portuguesespices, spices,a abrandbrandnew newnamenamebrand brand twin twinmattress, mattress,and anda working a workingairairpurifier purifiershown shownwith witha banana a banana forforscale. scale.Also Alsosomeone someoneis isgifting giftingfive fiveslices slicesofofturkey turkeybacon. bacon.Not Not our ourfavorite favoriteofofthethebreakfast breakfastmeats, meats,the theposter posteradmits, admits,but butnot notpast past itsitsexpiration expirationdate. date.Sure!

Sure!a game a gamesomebody somebodyelse elsehas hascommented. commented.

I’m I’minterested. interested.Can Canyou youdeliver? deliver?Unfortunately, Unfortunately,the theturkey turkeyslices slices must mustbebepicked pickedupupininperson. person.I love I lovethat thatpeople peopleare areliving livingoutside outside ofofthe thegrinding grindingengine engineofofconsumerism consumerismand andexploitation, exploitation,but but used usedbacon baconfeels feelslike likea sad a sadform formofofresistance. resistance.

Don’t, Don’t,I Ithink— think— but butI Iam amalready alreadytyping typing“Miles “MilesZapf Zapfcar car train” train”into intothe thesearch searchengine enginetotosee seewhat whatI can I cansee. see.I’m I’mnot notsure sure why whythis thisfeels feelssosowrong. wrong.Maybe Maybebecause becauseit’sit’sa kind a kindofofvoyeuristic voyeuristic excavation excavationofofsomeone someoneelse’s else’stragedy. tragedy.Heartbreaking, Heartbreaking,but butfrom froma a remove removebecause becausenot not us.us.Or, Or,atatleast, least,not not usus right right now. now.Here’s Here’swhat what I find I findout outfrom froma pair a pairofoffollowfollowupupstories storiesininthe thenews: news:the thetrain train