Volume XLIV - Issue 25 by Saint Louis Priory School

FIELD DAY MMXIV ! WOLVES VS HELICOPTERS

THE

VOLUME XLIV ISSUE 25 APRIL 1, 2014 THE ENTIRELY TRUE ISSUE

RECORD

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THE RECORD I’m Looking For An Intern VOLUME XLIV ISSUE 25 APRIL 1, 2014 Editor In Chief! Queen Latifah! Layout Editor! Eminem! Content Editors! Tori Black! Bobby Johnson! Drew Peacock! Faculty Moderator! Beyonce! Contact! theprioryrecord@gmail.com! 314.434.3690 ext. 221!

The Honest Record Disclaimer!

The Canoe is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It may or may not contain any factual information. The views expressed in this issue do not necessarily reflect the views of the school. It is produced by students/staff members. Its purpose is to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members of the Priory community, including students, faculty, and alumni. The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyright infringement, unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.

By William O’Brien ‘14 Content Editor

As I look around at my fellow seniors, it has occurred to me that I am lagging behind a fabulous new trend of seniors getting interns from the other classes. The runner of Michael Blogs has his sidekick Ramzi Haddad. Eric Stange has employed the domestic services of a certain Frat Studwig, and Andrew Cammon recently gave the Freshman Steve Rolwes an internship opportunity. So I have decided that I wish to join these gentlemen in the new trend, and will be accepting applications for underclassmen to intern as my pledge for the remainder of the year. As my intern, there are many benefits such as a terrific dental plan, the unwavering attention from all members of both sexes, and sharing in the diplomatic immunity I have from any crime committed in the jurisdiction of Atlantic City, New Jersey (don’t ask how I acquired that.) While I understand that many

of you will want this opportunity, but please understand that only one person can get the internship. So any potential applicants must have all of the following without exceptions: 1) At least 200 Tinder connections and 350 connections on Hot or Not. This is non-negotiable. I enjoy the company of many ladies at many hours of the day and will not have this ruined by an intern who is unable to conduct himself properly. You must provide the names of all 550 of these people (overlaps between Tinder and Hot or Not are unacceptable) so that I may randomly select people for references. If the words “creep” or “bashful” (quite a popular word with the honeys) come up, it is safe to say you will not be getting the internship. 2.) Speaking of social media, it is fair to say that if you have purchased a certain book outlying how and when to use social media authored by one of Priory’s own, you will not be getting the internship. 3.) You must be willing to cover certain

“operational costs” of the business: if I tell you to go fetch me a smoothie, I may forget to hand you a fiver. My bad. So sorry. But so help me God if you sit there and wait for me to hand you the money instead of just spotting your boy a couple beans, you clearly do not appreciate the opportunity I’m providing. If you fulfill these three check marks and also think that you would be willing to perform such tasks as being human furniture or doing my homework, you are able to enter the pool of applicants. Early frontrunners for the internship are George Paletta from the Junior class, Adam Ezzelgot from the Sophomore class, and nobody from the Freshman class cause I’m way too frat to know any of you. I eagerly await being able to pass on my knowledge to a younger student, and hopefully with my guidance you can become the hottest thing in the school other than the lit tips of Old Man Schake’s cigarettes.

Anonymous Interview With William Cook By Tejas Sekhar ’17, Peter Hopkins ’17, & Nick Boveri ’17 Staff Writers and Coffee Makers

Today I sat down with one of the voters from the Priory Freshmen elections to talk about the current election. William Cook had asked to remain anonymous for his own safety but screw that.

Q. Now you are a seasoned voter, who are you going to vote for? A. I didn’t know we had a student council. Q. What do you think is a main

issue the freshman STUCO have to face while in office? A. Well, I think the main issue of the school is that we can’t wear skirts. Q. Oh…well next question. Are you running? A. No I don’t run. Q. Who do you think is the worst candidate is? A. Most definitely Tejas. Q. Who is the best candidate? A. Cookie. And there you have it, I wonder who this anonymous voter could possibly be.

The 8 Greatest Pranks Of All Time

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! Ultimate

Bowl Sport

MSHAAAA Official Sport

By SPEEZY ‘14 Staff Rapper

By Dan “The Man” Martin ’14 Staff Writer

By Charlie Rapp ’14 Contributor

The Ultimate Frisbee team almost lasted an entire month before disbanding. The entire Priory community was shocked that such a leisurely activity received the stamp of approval from Mr. Fiala to count towards a student's sports requirement, but everyone knew it wouldn't last long. It all started when Coach Old MacDonald (not because he is a farmer but because of his old age and decrepit knees) realized his team sucked. They were terrible, it was just embarrassing to watch. This pushed him over the edge; for months he contemplated leaving Priory to pursue his passion. So he packed up and headed West to follow a Grateful Dead cover band up and down the Golden Coast, just living the dream. At first the team did not despair. A few players had seen Br. Maximilian wondering the campus and it appeared he had returned for good. When the players asked for him to be interim head coach, he immediately returned back to Oxford to avoid the embarrassment of coaching such an awful team. The players realized they might just have to continue on the rest of the season without a coach. That was until their fearless leader Michael Herman left town in the middle of night and abandoned the team. Also unusual was that his very close friend Dom Coppola was also missing. There claims to be a note left behind saying that the two "ran away together to Canada”. This was the straw that broke the Camel's back. With no coach and no captain, the ultimate team is now nothing more than a dream deferred. Please do not shed any tears.

"The state of Missouri will now recognize "Scholar Bowl" as an official sport, effective in the 2014-2015 academic year." Now THIS is what I know many of you wanted to hear. For many years, Scholar Bowl has been listed as an activity by MSHSAA, but the fact that it is now an athletic event is fantastic. Plus, rumor has it that Mr. Fiala will support this new announcement by making Scholar Bowl an official Priory sport for next Winter Term. Initially, this angered me. As a senior, I am missing out on the wonder and glory that this new winter sport would offer me. But then I realized, this is actually a huge compliment to my abilities. Let's be honest, it was only a matter of time before Scholar Bowl became a sport. After all, the athletes of Scholar Bowl already have many of the characteristics of a champion athlete. Let me explain. First of all, we have the reaction speed of a cat, but better. If you haven't seen the thumbs of a Scholar Bowl athlete, let me tell you they are nimble and quick to strike, taking away precious fractions of a second away from the opponent's ability to answer. Second, our brains are well trained machines. Just as other athletes spend many hours training their bodies for their event, we Scholar Bowl athletes train our bodies as well. Besides, we need a new winter sport anyway! Not everyone is cut out for basketball or wrestling, and this provides an excellent varsity opportunity for any willing athlete. This will likely bolster the success Priory has had in past years, so please, look into Scholar Bowl for your coming years at Priory.

As anyone who has ever attended a track meet knows, the announcer (myself) really makes the event. Without the tireless work of the announcer, the athletes would have no idea when the events are occurring, the teams would have no idea how they are doing in the various events, and the fans would have no idea where they can procure some delicious refreshments for themselves, at very reasonable prices. So, saying that the announcer is the central figure at a track meet is not an overstatement in any sense of the word. Now, much to my delight and due to the mountain of appeals from my brothers in microphones, the Missouri High School Announcers’ Association of American Announcers (or MHSAAAA for short), the Missouri State High School Activities Association, MSHSAA (looks oddly familiar….), has recognized the great work that my compatriots and I do day-in and day-out and has at long last decreed that announcing will be recognized as a sport in and of itself. This comes to the great relief of all in the announcing community, as we have been forced to neglect our announcing practices in favor of “physical conditioning” and “doing actual work.” But to all you would-be slackers who think that signing up for announcing would be a very easy way to avoid doing physical activity (although the thought of this motivation existing at Priory athletics is extremely doubtful), beware: we do lots of very tough work and must undertake hours and hours of training before even thinking of turning on the great microphone and announcing to the good people

Golden Apple of Discord!

of Priory sporting events. Announcing would be a very competitive sport and it would naturally be a cut event. It takes a very special talent to even be eligible for announcing. One must have, as some have said of me, the “voice of the gods” and you must have an air of authority so as to give the high office which you would hold the respect that it so righteously deserves. After this initial test of natural, God-given ability, the training starts and it is very difficult. You will have to spend hours on end strengthening your voice to get it just right (what we announcers call “the golden cords”). You will need to learn how to command a small squad of “player-managers” to obey your will without question so that you will be able to speedily relay results, overall scores, and, most importantly, obtain delicious sugary foodstuffs without the dolorous activity of getting up and leaving the press box. One need only look at the masterful, efficient, well-oiled, even, dare I say, perfect machine of a team that I have formed from myself, Grant Oehler, and John Fox, all three of us well-noted for our managerial experience. Once all this training has been accomplished to perfection, then and only then will the student, transformed from a simple high school boy to a paragon of announcing excellence, be able to successfully rule the track meets from his padded and well-cooled throne in the press box. MSHSAA’s recognition of the art of announcing and its newfound label as “sport” is long overdue and will lead to even greater track meets and games of all sorts. I and all my colleagues in MHSAAAA applaud this decision and look forward to great things to come in the sport of announcing.

NE WS & PUZZLE S

! Easy, Medium, and Hard Sudokus:

Crossword Puzzle ACROSS! 1. Sail supports! 6. Streetcar! 10. Stately aquatic bird! 14. Permit! 15. Gown! 16. Novice! 17. Cunning! 18. Pitcher! 19. Lyric poems! 20. Unappeasable! 22. Not a single one! 23. Start over! 24. Latitude! 26. Resorts! 30. Doctors' group! 31. Sweet potato! 32. Enumerate! 33. Seats oneself! 35. Praised enthusiastically! 39. Clothing! 41. Supple!

43. A unit of magnetic flux density! 44. Security for a debt! 46. Auditory! 47. Clever! 49. Born! 50. A Roman emperor! 51. Peril! 54. Agile! 56. Test! 57. Mixed with impurities! 63. 53 in Roman numerals! 64. Sheltered spot! 65. Directed! 66. Wench! 67. Goddess of discord! 68. This cradles a broken arm! 69. Wings!

70. Focusing glass! 71. Woman's undergarment! DOWN! 1. Wise men! 2. Astringent! 3. Slide! 4. Ring slowly! 5. Affirm! 6. Walking machine! 7. Dinghy! 8. Cain's brother! 9. And nothing more! 10. A craftsman who works with stone! 11. A woman whose husband is dead! 12. Sporting venue! 13. Inquisitive! 21. Stop! 25. Cobs of corn! 26. Louver! 27. Water carrier! 28. Cobras!

29. Spikes on the floors of caves! 34. Unable to doze! 36. Select by ballot! 37. Arab chieftain! 38. 20s style of design! 40. Sexual assault! 42. Lifeless! 45. A hormone lacking in diabetics! 48. Go on a journey! 51. Triangular formation! 52. Lengthwise! 53. Nigerian monetary unit! 55. Bakery supply! 58. Have the nerve! 59. Anger! 60. In the center of! 61. Be inclined! 62. Irritable

Write Your Own Record Article! By You! _________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _________________________

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Roanoke Colony!

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SPOR TS & NE W S

! Should Be Spring Sport” Says Smart Alum “TEAM+S By Matthew Ludwig ’14 Staff Writer

I remember my very first TEAM+S practice. I walked in as he asked a student, “What kind of self-respecting engineer doesn’t bring a calculator to practice?” I told him that he took the words right out of my mouth and that he could say that again. I didn’t tell him that I forgot my calculator too. “TEAM+S,” as it is called in the world, has grabbed headlines worldwide. While ignorance could be claimed for the first few decades of its existence, this is something that is now unavoidable. Both the escalation and the continuation of TEAM+S have catapulted it to the most significant extra-curricular activity in several years. The fact of the matter is that “TEAM+S” does not adequately describe this activity. Actually, it does. It’s an acronym. It has been referred to as many things: “The best extra-curricu-

lar ever,” “A fantastic time,” “Fun,” “Brilliant,” “Transcendent” (After the consummation of the competition, Andrew Cammon went into denial. This proves that it is not just a river in Egypt. Pun intended. He asked me, “How could the season be over question mark?” That’s not a typo, or should I say, typographical error? I think I’ll go with typographical error from here on out. Andrew actually said “question mark.” You just can’t make this stuff up), and finally, “Successful.” It really depends where your loyalties, politics, and feelings lie. These are all facts. For some of us, the conclusion of the TEAM+S competition marks an end to a trimester, or for others, the last time they’ll have to leave their house on the weekends. For me, it is truly a sad day. I once cracked the joke, oh wait, it was Danny Martin who once cracked the joke, “This competition was harder than a 2 dollar steak.” I

told him, “It’s good to have a sense of humor in dark moments.” And that was how the season ended. Be that as it may, as I mentioned above, TEAMS+S is back! I think we can assume that the whole TEAM+S team will celebrate. Charlie Rapp will probably let loose by ordering a medium popcorn next time he is at the cinema instead of his usual small. I do not know how Tony Lee, whose favorite lampshade at his house is brown just like his Wednesday shoes, will celebrate. Tim Avery will do, well, something, but who cares? Is he even on the team? I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that Priory’s TEAM+S squad has most certainly not been a horrendous train wreck. That is a fact. In fact, Priory has had great success. And what follows success? Expansion, of course. See the various examples I cannot think of at the moment. Any-

w a y, T E A M + S h a s b e e n brought back for a spring season. Some are petitioning Dr. Rashford to count this as a spring sport. Some of our own alumni are rather worried that these petitioners may fail. “TEAM+S should definitely count as a spring sport. It is a sport, after all,” said an older alumnus definitively, who, like any other graduate of Priory must be smarter than one West Wing official. That is a fact. This situation really is a pressing issue, but it is obvious that it will only be to us what the administration makes of it. A source, who wishes to remain nameless, has told me that he wants to join the team. Don’t ask me anything about my source. I’m not in the business of giving out my confidential informants. Okay, his name is Eric. You got it out of me. Email Mr. Gleich, Mr. Orlando, and all other teachers to tell them that you’ll be on the TEAM+S team this spring.

Michael Blogs: H & H Blogs Looking For New Intern By Ramzi Haddad ‘16 Staff Blogger

! !

Welcome to the April Fool’s Edition. This week I'm going to begin to set the tracks for a real legacy. H & H blogs has had a wonderful run this year, sadly however the founding father, Michael Herman, will be moving on next year. In an attempt to keep the tradition going I will be searching for interns for this next upcoming year. In order to enter this you must first draft a clever, witty, funny, and not annoying article that tickles my fancy. In addition to drafting an

article I will be hosting interviews. If you really want this job please submit your piece and then meet with me separately as I will conduct an interview that will truly find the great writer of tomorrow. Of course it goes without saying that H & H blogs will remain the name of this section in the record forever. If you are bent on changing the name of this blogging/satirical section of the record you my friend are mistaken. This is going to be a wonderful tradition at our school and I hope that after I leave the school, this section of the record will be held for the comedic rock stars of tomorrow. This job requires charisma,

dedication, and lavish looks. If you don't fill out a single one of those categories then you don't get the job. On a serious note, writing for the record takes a lot of work and a lot of time so if you aren't serious about writing every single week then I suggest you don't waste my time. This section of the record also requires one to be socially aware. If you are not and you just listen to what your parents say with regards to what is happening in our world then you can't make a funny piece of literature because parents aren't funny. In conclusion party people please submit your entries this

year and please find me in the hallways I have a specific interview section planned out. To prepare for the interview you need to

1) Focus on your ability to make fun of others while not being a huge pancake. 2) Be prepared to deal with being my subordinate. 3) Be prepared for personal questions. 4) Be funny or you're toast. 5) Keep reading the rest of this list. 6) Almost done. 7) Don’t give up. 8) If you haven’t figured out the truth about this lorem ipsum, it’s just space filler.

War of the Worlds Radio Broadcast!

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Roger!! Federer Buoyed By Coaching From James Newell By Andrew Slammin ’14 Editor-in-Chief

Sampras, Agassi, Borg, Connors, McEnroe, Newell. No list of tennis greats is complete without the mention of James Newell, III. Having retired two years ago out of mercy for other tennis players’ confidence, Newell has shunned the spotlight ever since his short run at the top of the rankings. However, as of a couple weeks ago, he has taken on a protege first protege: Roger Federer. With Jimmy Newell’s vast experience in vanquishing players of all skill level, strength, and age, it's no surprise then that an up-andcomer like Roger Federer would seek the help of this alltime greats. Newell and Federer have been hailed as great fits for

each other. Roger Federer’s tion and anger through mutteralready lithe movement on the ing, racket-throwing, yelling, court can be helped by Newell’s repeatedly saying “let’s go raw power and acceleration. Rams!”, etc. This will definitely Jimmy Newell has been praised sit well with Federer’s existing for his stellar fans, his opfootwork and ponents, and speed by anyone viewevery tennis ing his critic and matches. their mothers. The first One matest of this jor concern new partnerabout Roger ship was the F e d e r e r ’s BNP Paribas game has Open in Indibeen his ona n We l l s , court chatter. California. Federer (left) and Coach Newell He is normalThe test run (right) after a hard training session ly very polite was, in a and calm onword, fantascourt. This is tic. Surprising no way to play tennis. Newell everyone, Roger Federer won can definitely help Federer match after match and ended up channel and show with frustra- in the finals. During Federer’s

surprising run, the eyes of the tennis community and the world searched for Jimmy Newell. However, reclusive as always, Newell kept well away from the spotlight. He coached Federer from the shadows and wore dark glass and no expression in Federer’s box during matches. His only picture from the event (printed above) was taken at the request of Mr. Federer. As you can see, Mr. Federer can barely contain himself in the picture. While Newell has no doubt received many requests from other players following Federer’s recents results, but the Federer-Newell partnership seems to be here to stay. I predict that we will see great things from Mr. Federer in the future now that Jimmy Newell is at his side.

The Times Are A-Changing At Priory By Chris Ahlering ‘14 Staff Writer

As many of you know, Priory will be changing over the summer. With the addition of a brand new security system installed in the school and the changing of the junior and senior math curriculums, there are a few changes that are not quite as publicized as they should be. As a senior, I feel that it is my duty to inform the underclassmen of the minor modifications. I am sure that all of you have noticed that the new Priory cafeteria is a great improvement to what it has been in years past. However, because of a complaint filed by senior Dominic Coppola, who is known to be quite the bellyacher, Priory will be reverting the cafeteria back to what it has been in

years past. Before the decision to revert the cafeteria back to its original style was made, Mr. Coppola attempted to sabotage the cafeteria by stealing forks, knives, napkins, trash bags, and most notably, the ingredients needed to make the famous Priory chicken wraps, which have subsequently not been on the school’s menu this year. Mr. Coppola has criticized the new cafeteria setup since its installation, stating that it is, “too nice for the incoming students” and that the great food choices offered to us have “made it too hard to cut weight during wrestling season”. (Let it be noted that Mr. Coppola was seen crying while eating a tub of ice cream with his bare hands in the bathroom in the 400’s after making these com-

ments.) I have also been informed of a smaller change that will be made just for the seniors next fall. Although this is a very minor change, it is one that I am glad I will not be here to witness. Because of the loudness of our current senior class, any senior caught talking, laughing, using his phone, or breathing loudly in the senior lounge will be forced to spend his Saturday mornings memorizing and later singing lines from Mozart's Die Zauberflöte Opera in front of the board of trustees. Finally, the last change Priory will be making next fall, Priory will be instituting RSST’s or, Random Survival Skills Tests. This is a practice adopted from the Harður Skóli School in Svalbarðsstran-

Ashton Kutcher’s Acting Career

darhreppur, Iceland. Each period, a random room will be selected. The room selected may be flooded, have territorial animals let loose in it, set on fire, attacked by masked marauders, or simply have the lights turned off. Each student who ‘fails’ these random tests will be sent to an off-campus retreat center for further training, given a Saturday, and will lose their talking, laughing, smiling, and blinking privileges for the rest of the term. Although this does seem extreme, Mr. Schake claims that this type of testing is what made him the man he is today. Although next year will most likely be much more drab and dull without the current senior class, I assure you that, with the institution of these changes, Priory will once again become an exciting place to be.

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Plates?!

Mumford Disowns Sons

Editor’s Picks

By Tripp Miller ’16 Music Writer

By Austin Krueger ’14 Music Writer

O.M.G. Is that a ring on Selena Gomez's finger? According to top gossip sources, it is, and it's from Justin Beiber. Let that shake your world to the core. This worries me on several levels: for starters, I don't think Justin is good for Selena. Selena, we all know good artists never get arrested. This behavior is unprecedented! But on a note more related to my column, I worry about the effect a marriage could have on Selena Gomez's music. It's no secret that Stars Dance (2013) is one of my favorite albums of all time. It beat out even the Jonas Brothers seminal A Little Bit Longer (2008). But don't take my word for it; Stars Dance won a Kid's Choice Award, one of the most coveted awards in all of the music industry. Selena's music essentially changed my life. She combines lush textures, poetic lyrics (“If you want it, come and get it! Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah, Nah-NahNah-Nah!”) and she just seems to understand me, you know? But what if Justin's influence causes an imbalance in her sound? I've lost sleep over it. It's almost like when Creed, one of my favorite metal groups, stopped touring as much. It's as if if Nickleback broke up! I can't tolerate this sort of nonsense from an artist as inspirational as Selena. Selena is like Motzart if he had more swag; Robert Johnson if he turned up more. Even though Justin is the best rapper since Soulja Boy, I worry about their future together. In conclusion, please Selena, make the right choice and go out with Harry Styles, who I personally be this generation’s Bob Dylan. Much love, Parabola T.

Rumors have been spreading that the widely known folkrock group Mumford & Sons has broken up, leaving the music industry, and the world, in a state of utter shock. The band decided to go on hiatus last September. In a personal interview Marcus Mumford, lead singer and father of the other band members, told me that the band is indeed coming to an end. Some speculators believe that some of Mumford’s other, less musically talented, children were jealous of the Grammywinning band and upset that they were not allowed to be involved. For many, the news of the break up isn’t all that surprising. After their failure at the 2013 Teen Choice Awards, sales for their second album, Babel, dropped off considerably. They didn’t even appear in their final music video. In-

stead they hired a group of comedians (Ed Helms, Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Will Forte played the various Mumfords) because none of them wanted to show their faces to the world following such a humiliating defeat. So what’s next for Mumford & Sons? Winston Marshall, the illustrious banjo player that gave Mumford & Sons their notable folksy sound, said that a reunion tour in a few years “would be awesome,” but that his bandmates wanted to kill the banjo, saying that it tarnished their pure, harmonic sound. Marshall went on to say that he himself was giving up the banjo for a Les Paul and that would be starting his own heavy-metal band. Ben Lovett has said that he will be going on tour with Weird Al Yankovic as part of a dueling accordion project. Ted Dwane has decided to drop the bass and give up music entirely, which isn’t that big a step if you think about it.

Daylight Matt & Kim

2 Strawberry Swing Frank Ocean

3 4

Many of you remember the greatest field day theme that never was. That day lives in infamy, when the school was robbed of two great teams, only to be replaced by the party of Mario. However after numerous unsuccessful attempts to make a comedic Greeks vs. Romans video, it is my great pleasure to announce the return of Wolves vs. Helicopters, which will now be the official field day theme for 2014. As Treasurer, I have decided it in STUCO’s best interest to give up on normal STUCO

videos due to their failures this year and instead feed off the positive energy from Wolves vs. Helicopters and invest the entire STUCO budget in the first fully animated CGI STUCO feature film for Field Day. While plot details are still under wraps, I am told it is remarkably similar to the acclaimed movie The Dark Knight, only with wolves and helicopters (possibly even a cameo from Mr. Gleich as Police Commissioner Gordon). Priory STUCO hopes you enjoy this theme change and apologize for any confusion caused by this turn of events. Get ready for Field Day 2014!

Donner Party

Enjoy The Ride Krewella

5 CHERRY CHROMATICS

6 Hey Mama Kanye West

STUCO Announcement By Luke McGartland ’14 STUCO Treasurer

I Want It That Way Backstreet Boys

7 The Mother We Share CHVRCHES

8 Dive Tycho

9 Pop *NSYNC

10 Lift Your Spirit Aloe Blacc

8 Blog

NE WS & BLOG Priory Votes Pizza MVF

Tuesday, April 1! Lunch: !BBQ Chicken ! ! Spaghetti and Meatballs!

By Michael Herman ‘14 Content Editor

I would like to preface this article by saying that this in no way is meant to be read along with the April Fool’s theme but rather this is completely serious. I want to offer the greatest congratulations to a man who we here at Michael Blogs are quite happy for: a certain Wan Datson. At this point in the season our good friends, the Cubbies, are only one (a single, half of two, the lowest cardinal number, a) game behind of the Birds. Now I do not have the exact date of the last time that this happened but I am sure that Wan knows the exact date. But if there is one thing I know about Wan it is that he would like it if everyone went up to him and congratulated him on the Cubs excellent performance of late. In addition, it would be okay if you berated him with comments about the Cubs playing because he has never been grumpy, and if he ever were to get grumpy it wouldn’t have been since last Thursday. Another thing that Wan would appreciate would be if you explained the intricacies of baseball to him because he is unaware of most baseball things. If you need to some talking points with Wan you could put your hands together and pretend to swing a bat then say, “Baseball how bout it?” He’ll know what you are talking about and you will be good to go. If by some magical chance Wan is wearing his “Cubs Win!” sweatshirt today please congratulate him on their accomplishment but please do not inform him that they have not yet put a check in the win column but surely it is just a matter of time until they register one (a single, half of two, the lowest cardinal number, a) win.

Calendar

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4:15PM V Basketball vs. Principia! 4:15PM JV Basketball @ Principia! Wednesday, April 2! Lunch: Pot Roast ! Enchilada !

By Dan Kelly ’15 Pizza Enthusiast

Why is pizza the All Time MVF (Most Valuable Food)? Before we dig down deep into this topic I ask you to try and think of the last time you said to yourself "wow this pizza is too bad to eat". If you are a normal person and possess a normal functioning brain, like myself, you might find this impossible to do. Those who can vouch that they have said this statement of blasphemy should never be trusted, and if it were up to me they would also be placed in jail or face capital punishment. Anyways back to the topic at hand, pizza. Pizza is the most versatile food on the market, which I believe makes it even more valuable. The amount of toppings and the different ways pizzas can be done is mind boggling, and just to think that each way the pizza is done is more tasty than the next is even more astounding. And the fact that pizzas can literally be dipped in dirt and still taste incredible is just one more plus to an already perfect food; it is just impossible to have a bad pizza no matter what happens to it. To further understand the greatness of pizza we must try to grasp and understand its origins. As a long time pizza enthusiast and pizza blogger I know the origin of the pizza inside and out, but I will give

you the summarized version of it. The first pizza ever made is believed to have been in the Lascaux caves in Dordogne France around 20,000 B.C.; this first pizza was made with leaves and tree bark as the crust, a mixture of water and other minerals as the sauce, goat cheese as the cheese, and since the cavemen only held pizza night on Friday nights there was no meat on the pizza. Ever since the first discovery of pizza in 20,000 B.C. pizza has revolutionized to what it is today. Many people do not know this, but in Ancient Egypt pizza was worshiped as a god. Also, during the Renaissance Leonardo Da Vinci was made famous through his painting "The Mona Pizza"; Da Vinci is known for having been a large supported and connoisseur of pizza which is why he painted a picture of pizza. Many cultures throughout history were greatly influenced by pizza just as ours is today. By understanding how versatile pizza is, how impossible it is to have a bad pizza, and how brilliant the history of pizza is we might begin to understand the perfection of pizza. In our culture today, we are influenced to buy certain brands of pizzas and different styles of pizzas, however we must always remember when buying a pizza, there is no way to have a bad one.

The Trojan Horse!

4:00PM V Tennis vs. John Burroughs! 4:15PM V Basketball vs. Pattonville ! 4:15PM JV Basketball @ Ladue! ! ! Thursday, April 3! Lunch: Kielbasa ! ! Burgers!

Friday, April 4! Junior Ring Mass ! Lunch: Shrimp Scampi ! ! Salmon!

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4:00PM V Tennis vs. John Burroughs!