Issue 8

VOLUME XLV ISSUE 8

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FLUNK

The Assisi Conference of Fall 2014

By Father Ralph Wright OSB Inspired by Flunk’s dream about his encounter with Curiosity on Mars and the conversation that ensued, Flunk and Gloria got to work on their next Conference.

Given the turbulent state of the Middle East, they knew that this had to be their top priority. Flunk persuaded Pope Francis to host a round-table Peace Conference in Assisi and President Rouhani of Iran a c c e p t e d t h e P o p e ’s invitation to co-chair the meeting. Our episode opens with those who had accepted Flunk and Gloria’s invitation settling themselves around a round table in the crypt at Assisi where St. Francis is buried.

Flunk served the participants with a glass of mead, and after a formal welcome from Pope Francis and President Rouhani, Deaconness Gloria Dorne took the mic: “As has been our normal procedure in the previous Peace Conferences, we invite all of our participants to fill out a quiz, this time a Mead Quizz, as a kind of ice-breaker. When you have completed the quiz, pass your answers along to Flunk, and from the order in which they are received, he will establish the order of speaking. Each person should sum up, in one paragraph, what he believes to be his most important message for establishing

peace. When the last person has spoken, we’ll have half an hour for meditation and prayer, followed by discussion and plans for the next step on our journey.”

Flunk passed out the Mead Quiz to the assembled Heads of State, Presidents, and Prime Ministers, namely President Rouhani of Iran; President Assad of Syria; President Al-Abadi of Iraq; the Caliph of ISIS; President Obama of the U.S.; PrimeMinister Netanyahu of Israel; and President Abbas of Palestine.

THE MEAD QUIZZ Q1. Why do bees buzz?

A1. Mind your own buzziness!

Q2. When do bees hum?

A2. When they’ve forgotten the lyrics.

Q3. Why do bees die when they sting?

A3. Unintelligent design.

Q4. How do you know that you’ve been stung by a killer bee?

A4. When you wake up dead next morning.

Q5. What makes a drone moan?

A5. One more grumbling bumble bee.

Q6. Why do bees have hairy legs?

A6. Because they don’t shave them.

Q7. What do you call a one-winged bee?

A7. A tumble bee.

Q8. What do bees ask for at the music store?

A8. Have you ABCD? Q9. Why do bees make honey?

A9. They’re only in it for the money.

Q10. What is a killer bee?

A10. A bee that keeps you off the Honor Roll.

Within ten minutes the quiz had been completed and Pope Francis invited participants to speak in the order that Flunk had established. President Rouhani was summoned to the mike.

President Hassan Rouhani: “Iran want peace not war. Allah want health and peace for all his children. All our weapons are to keep peace. I pray for peace from all and to all.

Thank you.”

President Bashar alAssad: “We in Syria no want war either. Order and respect and reconciliation necessary for quiet life, jobs and everybody happy. We no want mob violence.

All people who not made want peace.

Thank you.”

Prime Minister AlAbadi: “In Iraq peace need respect for all peoples, all religions. Respect everyone and there will be peace. We all brothers and sisters.

Intolerance lead to violence and war. Thank you.”

New Caliph ISIS: “Islam being corrupted by Western immorality. Allah angry. We need strict Allah rules. If Western corruption cease peace can come.

Killing unborn children.

Defiling marriage bed.

Families broken. Allah in rage.”

It was a dark and stormy night.

President Barack Obama: “U.S. sees freedom for all as necessary. We do not want violence of any kind. Killing people always destroys peace. We want to work together with you. We are all brothers and sisters on this planet. U.S. will cooperate in every way to support respect and peace.”

Prime Minister: Netanyahu: “Some Arab states still want Israel not to exist. This is our permanent fear.

Be glad of our existence and we are all on the road to disarmament.

Thank you.”

President Abbas of Palestine: “We want to exist too! And to have homes and work and peace! Thank you flunk and Gloria for this meeting. A first good step.”

Flunk: “Let Pope Francis have a last word.

Pope Francis: “Jesus wants us to love each person.

If we love we can forgive. If we can forgive and respect each person then we can work together and Allah and Jesus will be pleased. will pray for this and we will all pray for greater love and respect.

Thank you, Flunk and Gloria for this first step on the long road to complete peace!”

At this point Flunk and Gloria went round and poured out further glasses of mead for all those participants who could take it. They all toasted peace and then with everybody talking about the next Conference they began to pack up and head home.

OPINION

Science, Periodically

The Buffalo Chicken Scandal

By George Ahlering ’16 Staff Writer

As it turns out, every week when I write these articles, I’m hungry. Even if I write this immediately after a hearty dinner, I’m still hungry. So, these food topics may become a reoccurring theme in the coming issues of The Record.

It has recently been brought to my attention that there is a scandal regarding the Priory Lunch Menu. If you notice, printed on every Monday’s menu under the “Make Your Own Pizza” section, it reads ‘Buffalo

Chicken’ as the main topping. However, every week thus far, the absence of ‘Buffalo Chicken’ has been duly noted. The Priory Lunch Committee has been notified via formal complaint, and after f i l i n g occurs, will meet to discuss how to resolve this issue.

Since it is an ongoing investigation, we will not jump to any conclusions.

There is a possibility that

this is a classic “bait and switch” or “false advertisement” maneuver, which could hypothetically cause not only a huge uproar, but a strike on the lunchroom.

This will test the p u b l i c ’s trust of the lunch menu and possibly the lunch as a whole. More to come on this tragic mistake and ongoing investigation.

Book Review: Watchers

By Andrew Swyers ’15 Staff Writer

With Halloween coming up, I decided to review an appropriately creepy book.

I’m not a big horror fan, so this novel is more creepy suspense than outright horror. Watchers, by Dean Koontz, is a novel about two genetically modified animals and the ways they affect the lives of the main characters.

This is not a scientific book like one of Michael Crichton’s works; the genetic

modification is not incredibly in-depth and the psychology of the experimentation is much more of a focal point. The story features two incredibly intelligent animals, a normal-looking golden retriever and a monstrous weapon almost too hideous to look at. This monster has an incredible hatred of humans and especially the g o l d e n retriever.

The novel opens up with Travis Cornell, the protagonist, hiking and finding the hyper-

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intelligent Golden R e t r i e v e r. T h e G o l d e n Retriever begins to bring light back to Travis’ life and helps him find others to love. But then, Travis realizes that the monster is chasing his dog, and he is being hunted by an assassin who believes that he absorbs the souls of people that he kills. If he absorbs enough souls, he will become immortal. The pacing is good throughout the novel, and it features a small cast of characters, so they are easy to sympathize w i t h , o r t r u l y f e a r.

Watchers is around 350 pages and unfortunately can not be found in our library.

The storm had caused the bridge to be flooded over.

Happy Halloween, nerds! In honor of Halloween, I’ve decided to report about the spookiest topic I can think of: stomach tissue! We have made some pretty scary strides over the past few years in the field of ar tificial organs. A few years ago we took human stomach tissue and sewed it into a tiny organ. We put that frankenstein-esque hunk of meat into a rat, and the rat was able to take in nutrients normally. The stomach even grew with the rat for a while. But if you thought that was scary, you’ll find this terrifying: We have been studying with adult stem cells since the 60’s, but the only real progress we’ve made is we now know they don’t cause as much cancer as embryonic stem cells. This past week, however we were actually able to take adult stem cells and direct them enough generate real, functioning human gastric organoids (hGOs, which is smart-speak for stomach tissue) for the first time ever. And not just a few c ells, the test actually resulted in enough stomach to put in a human fetus.

This test worked as a sort of proof-of-concept for cancer treatments in the future which might include completely replacing the organs with fresh ones.

Now that’s scaryI

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MISCELLANEOUS

Stay Away From Ouija Boards

By Father Augustine Wetta OSB Apologetics Expert

For some reason, a number of students have approached me recently concerning the use of Ouija boards. I’m not sure why this is suddenly the topic du jour, but if folks are asking, then folks must be talking. Now, I realize that by addressing the issue in print, I run the risk of stirring up even more interest, but on the other hand, I don’t want you slipping into something ugly and harmful simply because you didn’t know better. So here it goes: A Ouija board is a kind of game board that has the alphabet and other signs on it that some people believe can be used to communicate with the spirits of dead people.

Ouija boards, like Tarot cards and horoscopes, are extremely dangerous— especially if you take them seriously. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. 99% of the time, they’re just nonsense.

But, even if you don’t touch base with some “being from beyond” you have, nonetheless, opened a door to your soul and welcomed in an unfamiliar spiritual being. Believe me when I say you do not want

something like that latching onto your soul.

Sure, I recognize that I may sound a little medieval to you at this moment.

Maybe you don’t even believe in this stuff. But a whole lot of people do. And a whole lot of people have been really messed up by it. At the very least, it turns you away from God and exposes you to evil. Have you already experimented with one of these “toys?” Then you may already know what I’m talking about. In fact, you probably already have this creeping sense of vulnerability and gloom.

First, get yourself to confession; then destroy the board.

I don’t want to go on and on about this. Just

talking about it makes me feel icky. So, I’ll close with what the Catechism has to say: “All forms of divination are to be rejected: recourse to Satan or demons, conjuring up the dead or other practices falsely supposed to 'unveil' the future. Consulting horoscopes, astrology, palm reading, interpretation of omens and lots, the phenomena of clairvoyance, and recourse to mediums all conceal a desire for power over time, history, and, in the last analysis, other human beings, as well as a wish to conciliate hidden powers.

They contradict the honor, respect and loving fear that we owe to God alone" (CCC 2116).

Movie Review: The Maze Runner

By Rohith Perla ’15 Staff Writer *OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT* Alright, I’ve taken a good long break, but I’m back and ready to review movies. My first one, and this may be old news, is The Maze Runner.

It starts in the Glade, which is a safe zone inside a giant maze. Every month, supplies are sent, along with a new man to help out in the Glade.

One day, a new boy named Thomas is sent into the Glade, where he quickly learns how to live in it, and he also disrupts the previous

balance of the Glade. After an attempt at his life by another boy named Ben, and after he kills a Griever after a night out in the maze, they realize that the maze was a test. They have to find a way out before they die.

This is an interesting premise, but there are too many clichés taken from other dystopian stories, such as Divergent, the Hunger Games, and ,by extension, Battle Royale. This kills any genius that this book/movie brings, because it all has already been done to death.

It is the same story told a d i ff e r e n t w a y i n e a c h

d y s t o p i a n s t o r y. T h e protagonist takes a significant role in the dystopian society and quickly b e c o m e s valuable.

After some fun and games, the balance of the society is tipped, and rebellion erupts, with the protagonist at the head of it. It is then left with a bad psychological aftershock. For Tris in Divergent, it was seeing her parents die. For Katniss, it

Suddenly we heard voice:

was all the death she saw.

What is to say that this movie would turn out any different? This rehashing of old concepts needs to stop, and although I can praise the ingenuity with which the producer of the story rehashes the plot, the story should combine elements from other plots, not just tape them together. But that’s just my two cents on the matter. Until next time!

ADVICE

The Record

Ask Stew: Halloween Special

By Stew McGhee ’26 Staff Writer

Hey Stew, I’m 16 and ¾ years old. Am I too old to go trick-or-treating?

Society tells us that after the age of 13 or so, it is no longer acceptable to go trick-or-treating, but I am taking a stand for all the big kids around the world. You are never too old to go trickor-treating.

Why can’t a high schooler, or even a full grown man, dress up as their favorite super hero and walk around with a pillow case exchanging jokes for candy? Frankly, I think it is the worst oppression happening in the world today.

I will give you a tip to get around these so-called “laws” that are keeping people from expressing themselves. For a mere ten dollars, I guarantee you that any seventh grader or middle schooler would be more than willing to let you pretend to be his father as you both have a blast trick-or-treating.

I’m going to my first Halloween party, but I’m not sure if I should wear a costume or not. What are your thoughts?

This is a very tricky one, but luckily there are a

multitude of ways you could play this one. In this first hypothetical scenario, let’s say that you are the only one, or perhaps one of only a few people wearing a costume at the party. If this happens, you must keep your wits about you. Don’t make any rash decisions. Once you have walked in, there is no turning back -- you have committed to the costume and you must own it. Act like you knew no one else was going to wear a costume, but decided that you would be the funny guy, or dare I say rebel, and wear a costume. This level of confidence will not only make your night easier, but most likely a lot more fun. The next scenario involves coming up with a costume that, for the most part, you could pull off as regular clothes. For instance, go as Marty McFly from Back to the Future. If everyone is in costume, you will have a great conversation starter, and get to explain who you are supposed to be to all the ladies. If no one is in costume, you can tell people how you found a bunch of really cool retro clothes at Good Will. Most people will just think, “Hey, look at that kid - that kid has a crazy s t y l e ! ” B A M ! Yo u a r e immediately more interesting.

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Stew, what is your favorite type of candy?

I’m glad you asked.

My favorite candy is without a doubt the Milky Way. They are the perfect combination of rich chocolate, creamy caramel and smooth nougat.

Debuting in 1923, the Milky Way was the first filled candy bar, thus making all other filled candy bars cheap and unoriginal copies of the Milky Way. These candy bars include the likes of Twix, Snickers and 3 Musketeers.

They all tried to ride the tidal wave of success that the Milky Way had, but in actuality, made second-class products when compared to the original. Not that you asked, but for the record, my least favorite kind of candy is black licorice (this one requires no explanation, I’m sure). Black licorice is an all around terrible candy, and anyone who likes it either enjoys bad tasting things, or is so old they have lost the ability to taste. I mean, it isn’t even sweet! If it wasn’t for its much better looking and tasting twin, red licorice, it probably wouldn’t even be considered candy at all.

Whatever you do this Halloween, keep it spooky safe, and don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do!

Need advice? Stew does it all! Send your questions to: askstewrecord@gmail.com

VOLUME XLV ISSUE 8 OCTOBER 31, 2014 Editor in Chief Robert E. Donnelly III ’15 Layout Editor Thomas Rosebrough ’15 Content Editors Alexander Hill ’15 Stephen Millsap ’15 Patrick Lane ’15 Robert Erbs III ’15 Faculty Moderator Michael Ware Contact theprioryrecord@gmail.com 314-434-3690 ext. 221

The Record Disclaimer The Record is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by students/staff members.

Its purpose is to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members of the Priory community, including students, faculty, and alumni.The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyr ight infringement, unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated.

Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.

Escape was not an option - we were all stuck in the mansion.

ENTERTAINMENT

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Sudokus - Easy, Medium, Hard

Crossword

ACROSS 1. Hebrew unit of weight 6. Killed 10. Nothing (British) 14. Swelling under the skin 15. Engineering school 16. God of love 17. A long-legged S. American bird 18. Unusual 19. Instant 20. Repentant 22. Collections 23. Short sleep 24. Daunts 26. Without volition 30. Complain

32. Lit to a higher degree 33. Brownhaired women 37. Squad 38. A loud resonant noise 39. Scrabble piece 40. A whole note (Music) 42. Monetary unit of Macedonia 43. Sycophant 44. Calm 45. Pares 47. Zero 48. Oversupply 49. Half of a sphere 56. Hindu princess 57. Wild goat 58. Shelter 59. Therefore 60. Not a single one 61. Overgrown with ivy 62. To fancy (archaic) 63. Wildebeests 64. Mobile phones DOWN 1. Equipment 2. Border 3. 500 sheets 4. Ammunition

5. Snood 6. Caused by streptococci 7. Foliage 8. Beige 9. Pupping 10. An open letter 11. Bay window 12. Habits 13. Sounds of disapproval 21. A single-reed woodwind 25. Gorilla 26. Tracks 27. Type of sword 28. Deception 29. Restriction 30. Sauce 31. Graphic symbol 33. Hemorrhaged 34. Prong 35. Dash 36. Arid 38. Ramming 41. Lad 42. Obscurely prophetic 44. Female sib 45. Emergency signal 46. Move forward suddenly 47. Vetoes 48. Got bigger 50. Black, in poetry 51. List of options 52. Possess 53. Wicked 54. Bobbin 55. Terminates

Orange letters go into the final jumble puzzle

NEKLEETSO >__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ NATOPHM > __ __ __ __ __ __ __ DUNALROC > __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ TNSVAOREGE > __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ NIDIMTGH > __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Clue: What’s a monster’s favourite play? ________________________

Thanks to Danny Steurer and Sohaan Swaminathan for the Word Jumble

A bookcase fell as we saw a black, cloaked figure begin to approach us.

SPORTS Varsity Soccer: The Final Installment

By George Ahlering ’16 Staff Writer To my great dismay, this will be the final Rebels soccer article of 2014. Thank you to all of the fans that came out on Tuesday and provided unwavering support for us through that unlucky and frustrating game.

On Tuesday, we unfortunately lost to Westminster in the Class 3, District 2 Semi-Final.

This season has been great, finishing with a record of 13-6-2 which couldn’t have been done without the amazing team that was also battered with injuries throughout the season. Under the leadership of seniors Ryan Mulqueeny, Brendan Kolthoff, Dan Kelly, and Blake Anselm, we truly developed both as a team and individually to be the best we could be. Unfortunately, the season ended sooner than expected, but the boys left everything out on the field and can call it a successful season.

A clear highlight of our season was beating DeSmet in overtime

3-2. Coming in as the underdog with DeSmet underestimating our abilities, we showed them t h a t w e c a m e t o p l a y.

Individually, we were all successful and everyone contributed to the team in different ways.

Ryan Mulqueeny was the goal leader of our team with 12 goals.

Just this week, Ryan was featured in Town & Style Magazine with a highlight interview in the sports section.

Johnny Klaesner provided the ‘goon’ element on the team and was always there to serve as Ryan’s counterpart, whether by roughing up the other team or slotting a ball into Ryan for a scoring opportunity. Dan Kelly and Blake Anselm both provided stability and consistent highlevel play combined with calmness in the midfield and backfield. They were a strong foundation and a necessity for this team. Juniors Chris Holland and Will Dohr stepped up strongly on the offensive aspect of the team this season. Will had five goals, and Chris, plagued

with a groin injury, netted four.

Brenden Kolthoff, George O’Sullivan, Michael Donovan, Will Hanley and Adam Ezzelgot provided a strong backfield, with the lowest goals allowed ratio in the league. Hats off to George O’Sullivan, who yet again double-lettered as a Varsity Athlete on both soccer and cross country. Drew Sewall deserves loads of credit for an amazing season at arguably one of the hardest positions on the field. Drew always brought his “A Game” and made some truly amazing saves this season.

Thanks to Coach Mohrmann and Coach Oberle, and assistant coaches Jimmy Holmes and Michael Ware. Priory soccer on both the JV and Varsity teams had great seasons and couldn’t have done it without incredible coaching.

Thank you also to all the fans who came out to the games, especially the memorable fan section for the beach themed game a couple weeks ago.

7 Campus Store FLASH SALE! 50% OFF EVERY ITEM ON THE SALE TABLE ALL DAY TODAY October 31st

Michael Blogs: In Memory Of Oscar Taveras

By Ramzi Haddad ’16 Staff Writer Cardinals outfielder Oscar Taveras passed away this past weekend in a car crash. He was touted as a top prospect in the Cardinals’ system, and in all of Major League Baseball. Taveras lead off his Major League career with a home run, and hit a clutch home run in the NLCS against the Giants. Taveras’ funeral was this past Tuesday, and there were several Cardinals in attendance. Carlos Martinez, Matt Carpenter, Mike Matheny, and General Manager, John

Mozeliak, were all in attendance. Taveras was only 22 years old when he died. His girlfriend, Edilia Arvelo, was also killed in the accident. The cause of the crash is still under investigation. The only information that has been dispensed by the authorities thus far states that it was raining when Taveras lost control of his 2014 Camaro, causing it to fly off the road and strike a tree.

These events always come as a shock to the baseball community, and baseball fans do their best to move on from these horrific incidents. Back in 2009, Nick Adenhart of the Angels

passed away after being hit by a drunk driver. Adenhart was also 22 when he passed away.

Cardinals pitcher Darryl Kile passed away in his sleep midseason in 2002. These events are a reminder of how ephemeral life can be. These tragic episodes shed light on daily life, and how insignificant our small quarrels are in the greater scheme of things.

The Cardinals kept the lights on over Right Field at Busch Stadium this past week to honor Taveras, who played all of his Major League games at the position.

“GET OUT!”

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

PERIODICALS

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Halloween Songs: The Classics

By Robert E. Donnelly III ’15 Editor in Chief While Christmas songs seem to steal the spotlight in the world of holiday music, we must not forget the masterpieces that have been written for the scariest night of the year, Halloween.

S u r e , Halloween songs are goofy, simple, and quite f r a n k l y, a little juvenile, b u t t h e r e ’s n o better way to get down this year than with these five essential Halloween hits.

5. “This Is Halloween” Danny Elfman This stellar song from Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas is a must for any Halloween party. Given the title of the movie, you may only remember this song come Christmas time when Burton’s morbid take on everyone’s favorite holiday is primarily being aired on television.

However, I’m here to remind you that this song works quite well for both holidays. Famously covered by artists Panic! at the Disco and Marilyn

Manson, “This Is Halloween” is sure to get everyone excited about all things Halloween, from good scares and costumes, to a quality batch of candy corn.

4. “Ghostbusters” - Ray Parker, Jr. Did you really think we would write an article about Halloween music and forget this one? Far and away one of the catchiest songs of all time, “Ghostbusters” puts everyone in a good mood and stays trapped inside your head for days. Not only is this a great song with one heck of a groovy beat, but it accompanies the movie of the same name.

Ghostbusters was one of the greatest movies from the 1980s, and this Academy Award nominated song ties it all together. I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts!

3.“Witch Doctor” - David Seville and The Chipmunks Ah, the Witch Doctor. This song, about a man in distress

who goes to a Witch Doctor for advice on how to make a woman fall in love with him, is a doo-wop classic. You may be most familiar with the song’s chorus which is the Witch Doctor’s reply to the crazy, love-stricken man: “Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.” Just take it from Alvin and the Chipmunks who liked this song enough to covered it, and add it to you Halloween playlist.

2.“Thriller” Michael Jackson For years, people of all ages have been watching this thirteen minute music movie to ring in the spookiest holiday of them all. If you haven’t yet seen the classic MJ production, I highly recommend it for a good scare and some amazing music. It was MTV’s first world premiere

video, and was a major advancement in the music industry.

Bands of d a n c i n g zombies and Jackson’s stunning wardrobe give this song an amazing visual accompaniment.

1. “ M o n s t e r M a s h ” Bobby (Boris) Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers The quintessential Halloween song had to be saved for last. Written as a novelty song by Bobby Borris, “Monster Mash” was number one on the Hot 100 chart during the week before Halloween of 1962. The name of the song was inspired by the ‘Mashed Potato,’ a popular dance craze of the time. A version of the dance was created to fit the monstrous theme of the song. The Monster Mash dance uses the footwork of the ‘Mashed Potato’ while adding some stiff Frankenstein arm motions for extra flare. Don’t forget to wear your dancing shoes so that you can enjoy doing the hottest dance of the season.

As it turns out, the figure was Fr. Paul. We were stuck in the monastery.