Issue 6 by Saint Louis Priory School

VOLUME XLV ISSUE 6

ENTERTAINMENT

You Should Probably Read This... Homecoming By George Ahlering ’15 Staff Writer It’s that time of year again! Oh, yes; school is back in session, the leaves are changing, and there are a few unlucky Priory guys without dates to Homecoming. Now I realize that 76% of Priory students are total lady-killers and can woo any lady friend in the blink of an eye, but if you’re part of the other 24% , like myself, then continue reading. (Even if you think you’re good with the lady friends, chances are you aren’t and should continue reading). I’ve been in this predicament for 3 years and counting, so I’m pretty much a pro. Basically, it all boils down to 5 simple options: Bail. Don’t even make an effort to go to Homecoming. In

fact, make an effort to not make any effort. Just convince your friends that you would rather hang out with the lucky lady friend all by yourself and enjoy a nice seafood dinner, instead of her being swarmed by a crowd of sweaty dudes (even though this lady friend obviously does not exist). After this works, kick back and get a soothing mani/pedi and watch some Netflix in comfy PJs with mac ‘n’ cheese or whatever particular way you enjoy spending your free time. The Blind Date. Approach anyone in your grade that is known for being good with people of the opposite sex and play it to them straight. Tell them that you need their help getting a date. Now, granted you get said date, it will be awesome until the actual dance comes around, at which point it

will be really awkward and you’ll probably want to cry. The Kidnapping. This is definitely not recommended, as you could be arrested. However, if you are so daring, just get a couple of guys together and go to Viz or Villa, take the most attractive young lady with you, and tell her she has to go with you. Don’t even bother asking her, because that’s just way too risky. Tell her. Craigslist/Angie’s List. You’re desperate. The fact that you’re even reading this option is most likely embarrassing. However, if need be, don’t be too shy to post an ad on Craigslist. If that is too sketch for you, go the more trusted way with Angie’s List. This will be sure to attract the attention of a young, date-seeking woman.

C e l e b D a t e . N o w, everyone’s heard of people managing to get celebrities to go to school dances with them. This takes time and effort, way more than it should, AND once you get there, guess what - it’ll be awkward. To skip out on all the awkward vibes, purchase a cardboard cutout of the celeb you want, perhaps Ariana Grande. Use this tactic if you want to steal other guys’ dates while dancing and grooving to the music. Good luck gentlemen. I know you all will find dates of some sort with a little bit of personality and a lot less shame. Personally, #5 is m y p l a n f o r t h i s y e a r ’s homecoming, so watch out for me and my hot date Ariana Grande at Priory Homecoming: October 11th.

to run away. You must fight this urge and go ask your date to dance. After all, most girls dream of being asked to dance to the acoustic version of Latch by Sam Smith.

romantic, but it is also a nice way to warm up and stretch out your muscles so you don’t pull a hammy during the dance. If you’re not into the walking idea, you could always call a cab and arrive in style. Stew, should I bring my date to the Homecoming football game before the dance?

sure to talk about the game and display your knowledge of all things high school football. If your date hasn’t already, the game is also great place for her to meet your friends and their dates. The game is a great way to be able to talk to your date before the dance, and firm up your plans on pictures and dinner. After the football game, your date will know that you do, in fact, have some friends and that you know at least more than she does about football.

Yes. The football game is a great place to show your date that you are manly. Make

Ask Stew is brought to you by Diet Dew. Ask me questions at: askstewrecord@gmail.com

Ask Stew By Stew McGhee ’99 Staff Writer Hey Stew! If I’m trying to dance with my date, but she’s not digging it, what should I do? I have some experience in this situation, and the best way to diffuse the tension is to start dancing like a fiend. If your date sees that you’re having a fun time dancing, she will be more inclined to dance with you. Now, when that one slow song comes on, and let me tell you it will, your first instinct will be

I can’t drive yet, but I don’t want my parents to drive my date and me to the dance. Help! Well, this is a bit complicated since limos are not allowed at Homecoming. I would personally suggest that you walk to the dance. Not only is a nice walk at twilight very

Things Mr. Orlando says...

OPINION

3 The Record

Save the Manuals

VOLUME XLV ISSUE 6 OCTOBER 10, 2014 Editor in Chief Robert E. Donnelly III ’15 Layout Editor Thomas Rosebrough ’15 Content Editors Alexander Hill ’15 Stephen Millsap ’15 Patrick Lane ’15 Robert Erbs III ’15

By Parker Dow ’15 Staff Writer Upon turning 16 and earning a driver’s license, p a r e n t s o f t e n c h o o s e a suitable car to 9it their son’s needs. While the type of car (i.e., SUV, truck, sedan) is important, this characteristic takes the back seat to the single and solitary most important detail: manual or automatic transmission. While the choice might not seem very important, one easily decided with the 9lip of a coin, let me tell you how wrong you are. Totally wrong, in fact. This decision could possibly change the way you drive to school and run your errands. W h i l e w a t c h i n g a n awesome James Bond movie with your friends, you are particularly captivated by the chase scenes. James Bond speeds away from the villains, weaving in and out of traf9ic in his squealing Aston Martin. To avoid an oncoming semi-‐truck laden with explosives, he pulls on a mysterious stick between the seats and jams a third pedal, downshifting into third

gear. Wait? What?! There are three pedals? How come my family’s minivan doesn’t have three pedals? The simple reason: every car worth driving has a manual transmission. Yes, it would be fun to hold on tightly to the wheel of a Nissan GTR as the power of 600 horses propel you to 60mph in 2.9 seconds, but are you really an active participant in the driving experience? No. You might as well be handed an Honorable Mention award for participation every time you step out of the car. Driving a m a n u a l i s i n v o l v e d a n d r e w a r d i n g , a s y o u a r e responsible for the car’s p e r f o r m a n c e . A m a n u a l t r a n s m i s s i o n l i t e r a l l y connects the driver to his/her respective car. In doing so, the driver is responsible for piloting a well-‐engineered machine. M a n u a l s l e t y o u appreciate the good old days, when cars were made for the Autobahn and the pleasure of driving, not hypnotizing children in the back seat with a fold-‐down TV. There weren’t

8 cup holders to hold every size that 7-‐11 could offer, and there de9initely weren’t USB ports lining the interior of the v e h i c l e . T h e d r i v i n g experience was one of pilot and machine, and was meant to be that way. If you can’t drive a manual, you won’t be able to experience the 9irst 60 years of automotive history. The character of a car is embedded in the driving e x p e r i e n c e , n o t i n i t s appealing aesthetics. As modern sports cars, supercars, and practically all automakers begin to take away the privilege of a driving a manual transmission, you are losing your chance to i n v e s t i n a u n i q u e opportunity. Common excuses such as, “It’s too hard,” or, “I don’t have the time,” simply won’t do. Your parents and grandparents learned to drive a manual, so why can’t you? Driving a manual is a skill, and once you get into 9irst gear, it’s amazingly easy. It’s a skill not many teenagers have, and one which will surely impress your lady-‐friends.

Bring it back, gents!

Faculty Moderator Michael Ware Contact theprioryrecord@gmail.com 314-434-3690 ext. 221

The Record Disclaimer The Record is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by students/staff members. Its purpose is to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members of the Priory community, including students, faculty, and alumni.The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyr ight infringement, unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.

PERIODICALS

Saint Louis Somebodies By Connor Wright ’16 Photojournalist

As most of you have already seen, this is my weekly column, "Saint Louis Somebodies." Each week, I go out and interview random people in St. Louis, and take their pictures. I find people who are working, shopping, walking down the street, etc., and ask them questions that bring out some of the most intimate aspects of their lives. The message of my column, however, can be interpreted differently by each reader. Some people read it to receive strength and hope in their lives, some like to hear about the happy people and their heartwarming stories, and others read it for mere entertainment. Whatever you take away from my column, I really appreciate everybody's support. I hope you all continue to enjoy a look into the lives of Saint Louis Somebodies.

“How long have you been married?” “Our 60th anniversary is in December!” “How did you guys meet?” “He was the minister’s son. I had a crush on him since fourth grade, and then we became best friends around freshman year of high school. When he asked me to the junior dance, I couldn’t believe it! He was such a catch, all my friends were so jealous. I mean just look at him, he’s still got it!” “Any suggestions on how to make it last as long as it has?” “Marry your best friend. Marry someone that makes you genuinely a better person. And never EVER give up on it. If you’re ever even considering splitting up, don’t lose hope and work together on rekindling the feelings you had for each other when you said your vows. Become their best friend again. Let them make you a better person again. Follow that advice and you’ll be celebrating your 60th too.” “What’s your favorite song to play?” “One note with a good tone. It doesn’t make a difference what song Im playing as long as its full of individual notes with good tones.” “How does that mentality factor into other parts of your life besides playing music?” “Well, I’d say that mentality is a lot like life in general, for everybody. People get dealt different songs: some people are born rich, while others are living meal-to-meal. Some people are children of single parents, some people live in great neighborhoods, some people are allergic to almost everything, some people live in third world countries, some are movie stars. We all get dealt different songs. But it doesn’t matter what song you are born playing, it matters that you fill it full of a lot of individual notes that all have a good tone. Fill it full of nights when you can’t stop laughing. Fill it full of people that make you forget about everything else in the world but spending time with them. Fill it with dogs, and chocolate, and long car rides with people you love. Anybody’s song has the potential to be wonderful, as long as they keep filling it with those beautiful notes. Yep! That’s lookin’ pretty swank.

ENTERTAINMENT

Sudokus - Easy, Medium, Hard

Crossword ACROSS 1. Box 5. Vexations 10. Jail (British) 14. Back of the neck 15. 3-banded armadillo 16. Jittery 17. Untenanted 19. Stubborn beast 20. What we sleep on 21. Watchful 22. Units of distance 23. Lithesome 25. Not back 27. Arrive (abbrev.) 28. Insurgent 31. Task 34. Gown fabric 35. 3 in Roman numerals 36. Delicate 37. Tarnish 38. Barely managed 39. Altitude (abbrev.) 40. Roam 41. Overweight 42. Depluming 44. Tavern 45. Layers 46. A communication 50. Grain storage buildings 52. Corrupt 54. Precious stone 55. Poems 56. A language of India 58. Distribute 59. Communion table 60. Leave out

Word Jumble 61. Where the sun rises 62. Untidy 63. Desserts DOWN 1. Spurns 2. Discussion group 3. Any animal with no feet 4. Record (abbrev.) 5. Trucker 6. Not lower 7. Reasonable 8. In a fidgety manner 9. Unhappy 10. Third sign of the zodiac 11. Like a grown up 12. Leer at 13. Caustics 18. Close-knit group 22. Not less 24. Not 26. Depend 28. Internment camp 29. Untruths 30. Assistant 31. Applaud 32. Corridor 33. Like triplets, except 8 34. Gate 37. Anagram of "Ties"

Red letters go into the final jumble puzzle. KOCEDRO: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ PNPRAEO: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ LSTIRUPIA: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ SIJETONT: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ ETCCILEC: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

38. Wanes 40. Slaloms 41. Kicks out 43. Wardrobe 44. A state of extreme poverty 46. King with a golden touch 47. A long-legged bird 48. Wish granter 49. Gives forth 50. A few 51. Bright thought 53. Picnic insects 56. An unskilled actor 57. Not bottom

Cheers!

Clue: The other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a:

________________________

Thanks to Danny Steurer, Sohaan Swaminathan for the Word Jumble

6 Periodical Science Wednesday at 5:20am I’m sure everyone saw the second occasion of everyone’s favorite lunar cycle, the Blood Moon Tetrad. A tetrad (of which there won’t be another until 2021) is a set of four total umbral eclipses, six months apart. During an umbral eclipse, the moon is hidden completely by the cone of the sun and earth, and is painted a striking red. How does this happen? Well, you may know that the difference between two colors of light is the speed of the wave, and then when a wave passes through a material, it will change angles a different amount depending on its speed, and red just happens to be the speed that bends to the location of the moon. But whats really crazy is red and oranges also happen to be the colors reflected outward by our atmosphere (which is why the sky is blue) so the moon becomes even more red than it would be another ten thousand kilometers out. So appreciate how red your moon is (because this next blood moon is also supposed to predict the end of the world).

MISCELLANEOUS Big Daddy Lady Killer - “The Stag” By Edward Griesedieck IV ’15 Big Daddy and Killer of Ladies Gentlemen and Lady Killers, the time has come again for Homecoming. This entails a memorable night of dancing and partying, an event for the ages. Now, if you have listened to my last installment, you will surely be flooded by ladies falling over each other in the hopes that they will be asked by you. You may choose to take the one that has struck your fancy overall; you may have gone the road less travelled by bringing multiple dates, not being able to decide which one is best (a “problem” I have had before). Some brave few, however, have decided to put all ladies on hold and go stag, a power move in the world of dances. Going stag is infamous for being the way that those who could not get a date were still able to attend, but I reject that idea. Going stag shows that you are not willing to be tied down by one, or even two dates. That being said, there are a few rules one must follow

in order to show their confidence and swagger when going stag. First, there is the outfit. No need to worry about matching an impossible pattern and color that is worn by your date; you are the shot caller this time. Use this opportunity to blow everyone’s minds with your amazing and daring outfit. My personal suggestion includes a top hat and cane, but that’s just my opinion. Second, there is the dance floor. After the pre-party where you have eaten and entertained the entire group with your witty banter and clever jokes, you now arrive at the main event. While other “couples” are anchored to one another and in clusters, you are free from any commitment and can mingle and chat as you please. While everyone tries to dance, or more likely stand and talk with their date, you can be free to let your inner Bryan Dunbar out and kill

(lady kill) on the dance floor with your fiery feet and coordination. (Some people are less coordinated, and for them I suggest a simple box step with serious sass). Third, there is leaving and the after-party. After you have wowed the congregation with your outfit and confident dancing, you are free to leave and journey to the after-party. Keep it classy, and have a good time. Refrain from stealing anyone else’s date, even though the girls will be drawn to your confidence and the free and powerful spirit that emanates from a “stag.” All in all, have fun and be confident. Just because you don’t have a date does not mean that you cannot have as much fun, if not more, than the other couples at the dance. Big Daddy here reminding everyone to have fun and keep it classy.

Manning Vs. All Other QBs By Patrick Milburn ’16 Staff Writer When the greatest QBs come to mind, there are a lot of them. It's a position that shines when played well, and a list of top-tier QBs can be pages long. Peyton Manning is certainly one of them. Manning just threw for his 500th career TD, only the second person ever, after Brett Favre. Favre has the record of most TDs at 508, with Peyton on his tail at 503. He should be able to claim the record in the next two weeks, especially since he's playing the

1-4 Jets this coming Sunday. He managed 500 in 244 games, which is 49 fewer than Favre. According to the retired Packer, in this pass-heavy league, Manning might not hold the record for that long. I'd have to disagree. Drew Brees (372) and Tom Brady (365), are 35 and 37 with declining teams, so they're definitely out of the question. Wilson and Luck both have 60, averaging 1.6 per game. They are 25 and 26, but Manning averages 2.06, so they'd have to pick up the pace if they wanted a shot. To have a chance at this type of record, you have to have

Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.

an extended career. Manning is still going strong at 38 because he makes sure he doesn't get hit. Being as smart as he is, there's never a missed blocking assignment and he gets rid of the ball in just over 2 seconds. He could still have a few seasons ahead of him to pad the stats even more. Until we find another QB who can stay healthy for 15+ years that is consistent with TD numbers, Peyton's record will be untouched. (Maybe he'll actually smile when breaking a record this time)

SPORTS Rebels Soccer By George Ahlering ’16 Staff Writer These past two weeks, the Varsity Squad has faced some tough, and some not-so-tough, c o m p e t i t i o n . We d n e s d a y, September 17th , the Rebels faced off against league rivals MICDS in their first meeting of the season. Priory handled MICDS with two goals from Ryan Mulqueeny and a final one from John Forshaw. On Saturday, September 20th, the Rebels faced the Clayton Greyhounds for the first time this season and held their own. John Klaesner rocketed one into the back of the net after a nice slot by George O’Sullivan, giving the Rebels a 1-0 lead. Later, the Greyhounds answered and tied the game at 1-1. Nearing the end of the

game, and hoping to avoid extra time, the Rebels ramped it up and Will Dohr scored on a volley sent in by Dan Kelly. Last Monday, the Rebels drove out to DuBourg to play a 5:30 match. Although lesser competition, the same intensity was expected from Priory. The sophomores put together a strong match with goals from Young, Forshaw, Holland, and H a n l e y. P r i o r y e n d e d u p winning the game 4-0. Last Wednesday, the Varsity Squad took on a team they had handled earlier in the season (2-0). This rematch was going to be tougher competition, with Westminster wanting to redeem themselves. John Klaesner proved his prowess yet again by netting the game opener for the second home game in a row.

The Rebels let up one more goal to the Wildcats, leveling the game 1-1. John Forshaw put in a nice ball to give the Rebels a 2-1 lead. Ryan “Player to Watch” Mulqueeny went on to put the Westminster Wildcats away with his left foot beauty. Priory won 3-1. Monday, the Rebels faced Affton at home, and came out a victorious 2-0. Chris Holland and Mark Ciapciak both scored to ensure the Rebels win. The V Squad managed to pull this one out with a bit of sloppy play, but managed to get the job done.

7 Order Your Letter Jacket: Wed, Oct. 22 Go to the campus store 11 AM - 1 PM

Tuesday, Priory played Lutheran North and won this match easily with a score of 4-0. Goals came from Dominic Young (2), Chris Holland, and John Forshaw.

FIFA 15 Player Reviews By Alex Hill ’15 Staff Writer Emmanuel Emenike Fenerbahçe, 80 OVR This man is a must-have. I mean, how good can your Ultimate Team really be without the Sweat King? His blistering 88 pace and 90 strength make him virtually impervious to defenders. Any serious FIFA player needs this monster on their team. Seydou Doumbia - CSKA Moscow, 82 OVR Like Emenike, Doumbia is a king of sweat. He blows by defenders with his pace rating of 93. He also has high shot attributes, so not only can he simply blaze by defenders, but he can rip accurate finishes into the net.

Yaya Touré - Manchester City, 86 OVR With none of his card stats falling below a 76, this man has it all: attacking ability, defensive ability, playmaking ability, you name it. Unfortunately, he will be quite expensive, but he will be worth every coin, mark my words. Memphis Depay - PSV, 78 OVR Depay is a somewhat cheap, slightly toned-down Ronaldo. Five-star skills, a powerful shot, pretty good strength for an attacking player, and awesome pace make him a hidden gem. Like Ronaldo, he is a right-footed player who plays on the left side, meaning he can cut into the middle and rip the net.

To n i K r o o s - R e a l Madrid, 85 OVR Toni is a playmaker. With a five-star weak foot, 90 long passing, and 91 short passing, 88 long shots, 86 crossing, and 87 shot power, Kroos is the definition of a midfield maestro. His only major downside is his pace, which sits at a sluggish 58. Nadir Çiftçi - Dundee Utd, 68 OVR Don’t be put off by his overall rating. His stats make up for it. He has 83 pace, so he’s quick, 90 strength, so he’s hard to knock off the ball, five-star skills, four-star weak foot, and he’s also six feet tall. If you’re looking for a cheap, yet physically dominant player, look no further than the silver gem, Nadir Çiftçi.

Tetrahedral (Insert dance move here)

Custom fitted jackets are $190 and will be delivered before Christmas

REVIEWS

8 Homecoming Schedule

Pep Rally: Oct 10 2:15 - 3:00pm

Bonfire and CarSmash: Oct 10 Lit at 7:00pm

Game: Oct 11 2:00pm

Theme: Headgear and Pajama Bottoms

Dance: Oct 11 7:30 - 10:00pm

Book Review: The Amulet of Samarkand By Andrew Swyers ’15 Staff Writer What if the humans were the antagonists? In almost every fantasy involving magic the hero is a human who fights the demons. In The Amulet of Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud, however, is a fantasy book starring a Djinn named Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus is a resident of the “Other Place” which is filled with spirits that range in power from little more than magical insects to beings that can singlehandedly destroy cities. The world’s history is similar to our own, but many famous empires are filled with magicians. For example, Bartimaeus has served the magicians of both Ramses II and Solomon. These

“demons,” as called by the magicians are forced to serve the will of the magicians who summoned them in any task. The magicians go through years of training in order to learn the incredibly complex art of summoning, with the intricate pentacles and l e n g t h y incantations. The book opens up with Bartimaeus being summoned by a young boy to steal an incredibly important object from another magician. As he goes about following the command, Bartimaeus

stumbles onto a government conspiracy. The Amulet of Samarkand is an excellent book that starts off an amazing series. Bartimaeus is very funny and quickly becomes your favorite character. While other characters also have chapters, they act merely as buffers for the Bartimaeus chapters. His witty footnotes are what make this book. The mythos is also well developed and is used to create new twists and turns. The book is around 460 pages and can be found in our library.

Music Review: Tomorrow’s Modern Boxes By Tripp Miller ’16 Staff Writer Note: I try to be objective with these little blips in the corner of your copy of the Record. If Kanye were to drop his next project tomorrow and it didn't deliver, I'd give it what it deserves. But, there is one band to which I claim undying loyalty; one band for whom I can't be fair in my analysis: Radiohead. I will never review a Radiohead project, but I'll do my best to review the new Thom Yorke solo record, Tomorrow's Modern Boxers. Thom released this record via BitTorrent, because of course he did. TMB is the logical extension of the electronic element which Thom Yorke has been exploring since

Radiohead's Kid A (which is, in the opinion of this critic, the greatest artistic work in all of human history), and expanded upon with 2011's criminally underrated The King of Limbs. While those efforts incorporated organic instrumentation into their composition, TMB sheds all except synthesizers and drum machines, and the result is a

Physics!

stunningly beautiful and confoundingly boring album that lulls the listener into a peaceful sleep. Opener, “Brain in a Bottle,” and instrumental, “There Is No Ice For My Drink,” are the most glaring missteps, but everything else holds up surprisingly well after the first listen. Highlights include the gorgeous, “Truth Ray,” and the melancholy, “Interference.” Overall, I loved the album, but part of that could be my devotion to Thom and everything he sets his voice against. In the interest of objectivity, this album was a 7/10. Hopefully this record is the sound of Thom getting his bleep-bloops out before my heroes get back into the studio to deliver the world their next little slice of sonic euphoria.