Satire 2023

THE SLANDEROUS SATIRIST

#RealNews Time Is a Social Construct Abstinent High Society

New Anti-Women Act Only Small Part of Plan to Create Aryan America, Source Says

Orange Juice, Frank Ocean’s Side Piece

On June 24, 2022, the Divided States

Subordinate Court overturned Row. v. Wad, effectively dismantling an American citizen’s right to an abortion. However, this decision neglected to reflect the desire of its citizens, with a new study showing that 99.9% of Americans do not approve of this law. 75% of those who disapprove advocate for a retraction of the overturning, an anonymous responder from this group reported that they “would rather live under British rule, as even a monarchy would be more democratic than the Divided States.” Political scientists predict that the overturning of Row is only a segment of a right-wing plan to reverse equality and progressive gains in economic, social, racial, and gender advancement, in order to create a society of Aryan men.

The new Anti-Women Act which will go into effect on June 24, 2023, marks the anniversary of when Row. v. Wad was overturned and will ban abortion nationwide, punishable by death. The Anti-Women Act works to further this Aryan agenda and reflects the opinion of less than 1% of Americans, the majority of an age demographic that will not even live to see the law go into effect. `

By enacting the Anti-Women Act which bans abortion across the nation, we have been able to increase homelessness by 110% and crime by 500%. Additionally, women no longer have autonomy over their own bodies and are used only for child-bearing, as intended by our white,

straight lord and savior Jesus Christ (even though in reality he’s Palestinian Jewish). Childbirth has also become the number one cause of death among

ment for anyone that had an abortion before this bill. Killing children is a sin, despite the fact that 100 percent of abortions occur in the first 12 weeks of

GOP, also uses the communist logic that “freedom is chaos.” However, the Republican Party does, obviously, allow freedom of choice when it comes to the bodily matters of wearing a mask and vaccination, as these issues are a “completely different matter as they concern both women and men.”

This is only the first of a set of legislation enacted in order to purify the Nation into a society of Aryan men in order to reflect the composition of our best, more successful society that of solely the Founding Fathers, whose parents had just recently died of the plague. Of course, the citizens that believe this are not homosexual, despite the fact that their driving desire is to live in a country filled solely with men and to spend all of their time with men.

“It is not in any way homoerotic that we have no huge sexual attraction to women and only use them for childbearing. Men are just hugely superior in every way,”* former-president Dumb Turnip explains while passionately kissing the love of his life, Mark hPencil.

women aged 5-100, with those over 100 usually dying from old age. As black, poor women suffer the most from this act, we have also strengthened systemic racism and sexism. This has made life much more difficult for minorities and has even plunged the USA into the 2024 Depression. This Depression is, of course, what God intended as a punish-

United Nations is an Effective Organization

Go Go Gopher, The Better Redhead

On National Obama Day, the one day of the year where every person over the age of 18 is required to recite the constitution in front of a group of salamanders, United Nations (UN) soldiers were dispatched to quell a peaceful uprising. Peaceful protesters gathered outside of a radio broadcasting building (KW WAP - broadcasting on 420 AM) to protest salamander speeches - the UN was ordered to the scene to keep the protests peaceful.

UN troops arriving on the scene immediately began lobbing grenades and running over crowds of protesters who were dangerously armed with white flags and flowers. After the protest was successfully kept peaceful, the UN loaded back into their now red and brainsplattered trucks and returned to their home base, soon to be fed water from uncleaned oil drums and MREs from the 1940s. Since its conception before humanity’s evolution, the UN has successfully kept the peace in every country on the planet. From massacring entire ethnic populations in middle Africa to starving children in the Middle East, the UN’s effectiveness demands reverence. Having successfully handled the humanitarian

crisis in Yemen, UN attention shifted to cracking down on civil unrest in America - peacefully of course.

“UN relief saved Yemen…only 21.6 billion people remain without access to food, water, health, and emergency services,” António “I’m literally controlled by ants” Guterres, the dictator of the UN said, “That may sound like a lot, but it’s okay because they’re from the Middle East and it’s normal there.”

Many wars and potential genocides in thirdworld countries have been avoided thanks to the UN. After all, if the UN perpetrated the genocide, at least they stopped the bad guys from doing it.

Third-world countries were now safe, and the UN would never make as much money operating in a place with less money to begin with. The UN was headed to the USA. Fleets of blue helmets and berets now rolled through O block of Chicago and Aurora in Denver. French troops patrolled New Orleans and Mexican troops occupied the Alamo.

Almost immediately, the UN declared systemic racism to no longer be an issue in America, they had put an end to the violence. Several incidents

pregnancy and thus the fetus is not yet a child, and childbirth has a 1000 times higher risk of death than that abortion.

Despite the overwhelming success of the Anti-Women Act, protests have broken out across the US, and even internationally in favor of women’s rights. Although those on the left argue that it is “their body, their choice,” the

Only time will tell the future implications of the Anti-Women Act, however, we can only hope that future implications will be more optimistic of the future than a Depression, or the creation of an Aryan, communist American.

*More advanced grammar was added to this quote to make Dumb Turnip appear more intelligent.

have taken place both with the UN massacring civilians but also leaving their own soldiers to die. All in the name of peace, of course.

Despite the arguments of the bewildered American populace, the UN began exploiting America’s

Photo by Orange Juice

Former President Dumb Turnip and Mark Pencil passionately exchange loving vows on their wedding day.

Photo by Curly Q

UN Soldiers using spreading the peace through war-torn and earthquake ravaged Syria.

BREAKING NEWS: Doseph Jziedzic Doesn’t Exist

BToph, The Better Redhead

On a Tuesday, March 12, at 8:99 AM, Sarah Strasshotdog accidentally walked into room 0420 and found 23 students staring at the damp, concrete wall. A green gas floated around the room and the students were diligently typing on a keyboard that were detached from their computers.

Strasshotdog immediately called the relevant authorities who removed students from the room. Within the hour the students were rambling on about a man named Doseph Jziedzic, their spanish teacher. No such teacher has taught at AHS in the three years the school has operated. Jziedzic is not a real person, so what have these students been doing in that basement? A group of investigative journalists set out to find the answer. They knew delving headlong into the world of espionage would be dangerous, so they asked for their names to be kept anonymous. All that is known at the moment is that students were being sent to a dark basement and a psychotic gas was being pumped into the room. The most plausible explanation is that the CIA is testing a new nerve agent to use on their prisoners in Guanta-

namo bay. The gas takes at least 10 minutes to take effect, explaining why Jziedzic is always reported to be late to class.

Jziedzic is never seen outside of the classroom, and a comprehensive manhunt of all of Colorado yielded no results. This being said, interviews with baseball officials noted that there is a coach who goes by Jziedzic. Some ski players acknowledge his existence. Attempts by the journalists to find him during practices were unsuccessful, although they did find the secret sacrificial table under the clubhouse.

“I know Jziedzic, he’s my ski coach!” JJ ‘Ronald Reagan’ Kelly said, “I think he is a covert operative. Maybe he works for the government. I swear he exists.”

Kelly was rationalizing, maybe trying to save face so the CIA didn’t take him away. *Editor’s Note* Kelly was recently found dead with 57 bullet holes, cause of death: “natural causes.” The next step was to investigate room 0069 itself. Building maintenance staff were happy to divulge the room is only used as cold storage for the bodies of seniors who died from senioritis. However, a careful examination of the room revealed there are

Pory Carker Wins Bachelor

Great Hologram, Staff AI

Pory Carker secretly joined the 164th season of the Bachelor and took away the gold - a.k.a goodbye to life and hello to wife!

Game over for all of the single ladies of Aspen who are searching for a parttime English teacher, part-time basketball coach, part-time FBI spy, and part-time balloon animal artist. This season took place in majestic Indiana because nothing is more romantic than watching the sunset over rolling corn fields.

He faced the challenge of choosing his perfect wifey from thirty well-rounded women. These lucky ladies traveled from far and wide to be in the presence of P. Carker. Faces from Nebraska, Kansas, South Dakota, and even Oklahoma were present at the barn. He slowly “voted his options off the island” or, in his case, the farm. Carker spent hours deciding who his five starting babes were going to be. Knowing him, he went for height, athleticism, and a wide knowledge of Health…

Carker knew how to put the contestants to the REAL test. Any wrong move and they would be scratched off his list.

Bonding activities were given to the possible couples to test the real connection. Week one consisted of blind folded Ferrari driving, testing the trust of a couple. The second week presented dual trapeze over a shark pit, testing the collaboration of the couple. Week three introduced making gingerbread “barns’’ with their feet, to test the strength of the couple. All activities assisted in Carker’s decision of finding his perfect Cuddly Wuddly Snuggle Bunny Snookums Schmoopsie Poo - He has a thing for pet names.

All footage will be aired on June 35th 2023, at 15:00 pm after The Average Joe’s play The Rockford Peaches at The Best Baller Bonanza. There, it will be revealed who Pory Carker gave the rose to, declaring his forever soulmate and lovaaaa.

several vents around the room, a locked door that nobody seems to have a key for, and a massive mirror on the side of the room. Around the time Strasshotdog found the students in room 0420, the parking lot was completely filled up with black Cadillac Escaldes, any attempt to boot or ticket them was met with a swift kidnapping.

“I can’t even park at the school anymore, every single spot has a big Cadillac in it, how am I supposed to get to my class?” Big Silly Willy said shortly before being whisked away by men in black suits and 2000s sunglasses.

Soon, even the counselors denied the existence of ever signing students up for a class with the elusive Jziedzic. Skillfully dodging questions and interviews, details were hard to gather.

“No such class exists,” Josh Barrel, an AHS covert operative said, “In fact, you don’t exist. You’ve never existed. Anyway, how have you been doing mentally recently?”

While investigations are still ongoing, we applaud the nameless journalists for their sacrifice. They will surely be dead of natural causes within the week, the highest honor the US Gov can bestow on a journalist.

TSwizzle in disguise?

Gee Golly Gal, Staff Girl

@taylorswiftlvr89, Aspen High School’s beloved science teacher, is not only an alumni and Harvard graduate but also the most passionate T Swizzle Lover Aspen highschool has ever seen. Possibly too passionate?

Point of evidence #1 - Born in 1989

@taylorswiftlvr89 was born on July 25th 1989 (Christmas in July), and T Swizzle December 13th 1989. T has multiple christmas tracks out in her career. May there be a connection between the two? The christmas album made its Debut in 2007, which also seems to correlate with the year that @ taylorswiftlvr89 graduated High School. Is this possibly a Hannah Montanah situation? And the reason T Swizzle loves a Red Christmas so much is a cover up for her secret identity’s middle-of-summer Christmas birthday?

Point of evidence #2 -Swizzle’s jet and CO2 emissions

For those who don’t know, back in 2022 a Tweet post that tracks celebrity’s private jet usage stated that T Swizzle had the biggest carbon emissions of any other celebrity that year. @taylorswiftlvr89 (and his wife) had some thoughts about the accusations, “Why do we constantly have to find things wrong with female artists? If you broke it down and looked at the NFL and how they fly their teams around I’m sure that’s much larger than T Swizzle: Yes it might not be one individual but collectively the NFL is a much bigger carbon contributor but because its a money making machine that’s dominated by male personalities, nobody cares” @taylorswiftlvr89 said (major “The Man” energy). T’s representative later responded to the backlash stating that the jet had been lent out to friends of hers as well as other celebrities (don’t worry swifties, all is well). While this could just be an incredibly valid take on the patriarchal state of the entertainment/media industry, it could also be a hint to @taylorswiftlvr89’s secret double life. Is he getting defensive because he is T Swizzle? Does he care so much because she is he and he is she? We’ll let the swifties of AHS decide for themselves.

Point of evidence #3 - @taylorswiftlvr89’s love for “All Too Well”

Okay, so we all hate Jakey Gynecologist (#wheresthescarfjake??) but no one loves a breakup song about a horrible ex more than the writer themself. “The song that invokes the largest emotional response in me is for sure “All Too Well”, thinking about breakups I’ve been through and how they ended, there are parts of the song that I see as perfect mirrors to my experience” @taylorswiftlvr89 said, the resemblance is uncanny. Now comes the cherry on top for the T Swizzle/@ taylorswiftlvr89 double life case; T Swizzle is performing in Denver for two nights in July. July as in the month @taylorswiftlvr89 was born, and in the middle of summer while conveniently school is out so there is no need to cover for a sudden trip; @taylorswiftlvr89 is T Swizzle confirmed.

Photo by Axeman Pory Carker slaying.

School is now 24/7

As of April 1st, students will be attending school 24/7 due to a lack of instructional hours.

Families will be forced to say goodbye to their children on April 1st and will not be allowed to contact them again until school gets out for the year on June 7th. Sports activities are expected to practice from 3:00 am until 5:00 am, which is odd because those hours are typically used for sleeping.

During sleep hours all students will need to go to their set room, with a sleeping bag with each student’s name on it. If the student is not in the sleeping bag, they will be marked absent and receive sleep detention. During sleep detention, students will not be allowed to sleep and instead have to practice for a marathon they will not even run.

Breakfast will be Raisin Bran with extra raisins. Lunch will be burnt toast and finally, dinner will be a bowl of peas. The café will no longer be open because the food staff needs to focus on making three delicious meals daily. If students are severely sick they will have to quarantine in the kitchen where all the food will be made. Otherwise, students need to be attending all school classes

and activities. Parents, students, and staff have many mixed emotions about the new schedule but according to Sarah Strasshotdog, this was the only option which she found out about by reading the newspaper.

“I’m actually very excited to be locked in this school till June 7th. It means I can bust more people for vaping and make sure no one is doing anything fun or throwing any parties,” Strasshotdog said.

Many students are feeling the opposite. In fact, one student even tried to set the school on fire with a trash can, another tried to break the pipe systems by kicking the faucet off, and a third pranked the school that there was a gas leak.

“Are you f***** kidding me this is the dumbest s*** I’ve ever heard. I’m so f***** done with this school,” Stay-OutLate-All-Night said.

On the other hand, most parents are looking forward to having their kids out of the house.

“I’m excited because now I can actually use all of the stuff I’ve confiscated from my kids. In fact, I think all of the parents are planning to combine items and throw a huge rager,” Mrs. Range-Rover said.

Wall-e, the professional robot

AHS students at 11AM AHS students at 2AM

Photo by George

Women are Better than Men Men’s History Month

Lightning McQueen, Staff Racer

In 2022 men earn an average of 2.3% of what women make. Inequitable pay began in the 1860s when people brought up the idea of “equal work, equal pay,” stating that men and women work the same amount, but men are getting paid less. Donald Duck has been an active member of the men’s movement for some time and feels strongly about this extreme inequality.

“I have been working very hard to earn the salary I deserve,” Duck said, “I learned last week that the women that I am working with have been earning $200,000 a day more than I have when they should really be working for me and I should be earning the $200,000 difference. This is simply outrageous.”

While men strongly believe in equal pay, they have not been able to organize a movement and nothing has been done to protest it.

Money is not the only thing showing inequalities. It is also apparent in sports. Athletic departments around the world have recently realized that women’s basketball is much more popular than men’s, and it could partially be how much it is being spread on social media. The crowds at a recent women’s game were nearly twice as large as at the men’s game. There were about 90% more people at the women’s game than the men’s. Many people say this is not inequality but more that people are more interested in the women’s game than the men’s. The athletics inequalities are not only in professional sports but also in lower levels like high and middle schools. Student-athlete Pella Endarvis from Aspen Always High School shares an inside view of the problem.

“Yes, I do see some issues with the inequalities with our girl’s basketball and the boys, a

very large one being us having three teams, the varsity, JV, and the C team, and the boys only having two teams. I realize sometimes that our coach will push the boy’s varsity out of the gym in order for our C team to practice and move them to another gym,” Endarvis said, “I was also looking at the schedule for all basketball teams and the girl’s varsity alone has about 70 more games than all the boy’s games combined,” Endarvis said. Have talked to male student-athletes around the valley, and almost all of them said the same thing, they do not feel comfortable playing basketball, possibly because of the women making them not feel welcome. There is also a lack of encouragement in the community including coaches and only a couple of parents coming to the boy’s home games. We as a country have been working towards equality and there have been a lot of steps taken but it is not enough and there is no sign of inequality ever stopping.

Stiverson, The Dumb Blond Men’s History Month… The month everyone waits for. Specifically, the women who are absolutely in debt to the men that make our world go round. Men have been making smart decisions forever - women have been oppressing them every step of the way. For example, women think they deserve the right to vote, we all know women don’t know anything about politics. And even if they did, who’s going to take care of the kids?

“If Billary Clinton can’t satisfy his wife, what makes her think he can satisfy America?” Dump Tunip said. I agree with you Ms. Tunip, see this makes sense because what woman could run a country if she can’t meet the biggest standard men should have, their wifes satisfation.

A worshiper of Dump Tunip has come forward on his point of view,

on his many years of oppression. “I may be sexist, but I’m a realist! 1819 year-old men are more attractive than 25 year-olds because they’ve been through less d*ck,” Ms. Tater Tot said. This quote is outrageous. I can’t believe someone of my own gender could possibly say something of this stature.

“I go out and f*ck and I come back to him and I don’t care about him, and I only love my boy. That’s not cheating, that’s exercise. Cut this sexist garbage,” God, this woman is insane. Not only can he not realize his sexist garbage, he thinks he can just go out and have s*x with anyone he wants. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

Now this quote has so much grit, it’s the epitome of sexism; “Women can cheat but men can’t. It’s not sexist – it’s reality.” This right here is just wow, insane. You’re saying that I can cheat because I’m a woman, but the men are allowed to just because they are men. I just don’t understand, why can’t men be thought of as equal?

All in all, I think that women suck, all they do is just sit around and play video games, eat chicken wings, and talk about all the stupid sports. And not to mention, have you ever seen a competent woman play Call of Duty, because I sure haven’t. To add to my points, men’s history month is the most important month because men deserve our respect, they do not deserve to be treated like dogs.

Lawsuit: Wilson, the Buttermilk Moose, Walber v. Aspen Ski Co

Ry-a-Roo, Person That’s Going Places for Sure

On June 6, 2023, the Pitkin County Courthouse has scheduled a civil trial between Wilson Walber the moose, formally a resident of Buttermilk mountain, against the defendant, Aspen Skiing Company. Mr. Walber suggests the permanent removal of the Summit express and Tiehack chairlift due to the complaint evidence of harmful environmental fragmentation and the emotional fluster it causes to those native in the environment.

The CEO of Aspen Skiing Company, Chef Whippersnapper, commented on his opinion heading into this trial.

“The chairlifts are the main source of transportation from the bottom to the top of our ski resort. They bring the majority of our profit and attract tourists to the slopes of Buttermilk. If a skier doesn’t hope to climb up the mountain, yet their dream is to shred the pow, how will they achieve their aspirations? Essentially, these chairlifts are making dreams… come true.”

For generations, these chairlifts have carried individuals from one destination to the next, all with different stories and each from a different part of the world. Mr. Walber explains that he doesn’t mean to exploit this. Yet with a world increasing in the detrimental impact of climate change and habitat loss, chair-

lifts have the ability to contribute to the greater altercation and lasting influence of habitat fragmentation.

Mr. Walber accentuates, “Yes, my

Beyond myself, habitat fragmentation is resulting in detrimental impacts and isolation of animals from their own species. Needs such as immigration and emigra-

following this point.

Mr. Walber explains, “I’ve tried for a long time to live in companionship yet my voice has been overlooked,” He released an additional statement later this week adding, “We are allowing them to keep the West Buttermilk Express unless it poses a threat moving forward.”

Whippersnapper presented an alternative to mitigate the claims of habitat fragmentation and reach a possible settlement. Walber took this account into consideration but was soon to turn down this offer which he claims, “was not for himself, but for the greater good.”

In an interview with the Wallcreep Journal, Walber protested the subordination of his claims as a result of the history of human advantage over animals.

He says, “Humans and animals have lived in both peace and dispute for centuries now. I believe it is time for our species to encounter a win. We suggest monumental action!”

family and I are frankly appalled by the disruption we deal with on an everyday basis, from being woken up early by skinners, to the general blockage of the natural view that Aspen once had to offer. A chairlift pole blocks my favorite rock to stare at, from my favorite spot.

tion are crucial and something as small as the pillars of a chairlift can escalate to something as significant as cutting down all the trees.”

He commented on the possibility of further discussion with Ski Co. yet insisted upon the enforcement of action

The future of Buttermilk recreation rides upon the result of this trial and the swaying of the jury. Public support is behind Wilson in a 10 to 0.5 ratio, although Aspen Skiing Company along with their CEO, are pushing to argue everything in their will in order to counter these charges. The results as well as the present feed of the trial will be live on channel 816190939483 on June 6, 2023.

Photo captured by axeman

Walber faces off the entirety of Aspen Ski Co. in a press conference

Men have had it!! Seen here showing emotion (only time it’s socially acceptable)

Photo by axeman

Controversy Surrounds North Korea deployment Ex-Ed

Zlake Bilberman, Staff Newbie

This year there will be many changes coming to the Ex-Ed program. Each year, in September, students participate in numerous different trips with their classmates. There are some outdoorsy options, such as backpacking trips, and then there are also some more academic options.

However, this year, the school is experimenting with increased diversity in course options, labeled as ‘Extreme ExEd Courses.’ This new brand of Ex-Ed aims to educate students on interesting current events going on in other parts of the world.

The new options range from many different experiences students can partake in. They include the Live in a Volcano trip, the Be a Soldier in an Active War trip, and the Become Guards of a Maximum Security Prison trip, just to name a few.

However, the trip that has been subject to the greatest levels of controversy is the trip to sneak into North Korean Leader, Kim Jong Un’s house. For the duration of the five-day long course, students will be staying inside of North Korea, secretly spending each day surveying the grounds of the Supreme Leader’s compound. Eventually, by the end of the with the eventual aim to intrude. Proponents of the course have argued that the brief course will provide

students with an invaluable, once-in-alifetime experience, providing students with an experience teaching them how to create a conclusive step-by-step plan to

dent John Yill explains,

“While some other courses may be taught in forgiving environments where students are not required to focus and

may not survive.”

Students are excited about these opportunities as they will provide a greater range and depth to the Ex-Ed experience beyond the typical backpacking and rafting courses. As Yill continues,

“Most years I just do rafting or backpacking trips which are great, but the new options this year will be so much cooler,” explained Yill, “The Afghanistan trip is cool, but I mean I’m definitely going to spend all my points on the North Korea trip.”

Unquestionably, concerns have been raised over this new program. Students, teachers, and parents alike have all questioned whether it is safe to send students to illegally sneak into the North Korean leader’s house. Answering the question, Sarah Strasshotdog explains that,

follow as well as how to evade security. On top of this, students will learn valuable lessons on how to live outdoors and protect themselves in hand-to-hand combat in case of capture. As AHS stu-

learn the skills on how to protect themselves, this course will be taught in an unforgiving environment that will teach the hard way,” Yill said, “Afterall, if you screw up because you don’t focus, you

“The goal of the trip is to educate students on what life may look like outside of Aspen’s bubble, which the trip clearly fulfills,” Strasshotdog said, “Of course it will be dangerous to break into one of the most feared dictator’s homes. Therefore, students partaking in the trip must recognize that and remain careful. student body can achieve this.”

Microwave Ski Suits Blamed for Climate Crisis

Elsa, Queen Of Arandelle

Many tourists around Aspen are known for their stylish outfits referred to as microwaves. Although this attire is extremely fashionable and has the potential to make anyone look like a professional skier, the intense radiation that they emit is one of the main causes of the climate crisis that our world is faced with today.

While carving down the mountain, there is no doubt that you will come across a skier with knees bent, hands out in front of them, reaching for a nonexistent helping hand. No doubt they will be shredding a pizza, and rocking a shiny metallic ski outfit topped off with a gaper gap and Cloud Nine trucker hat strapped to their belt. When November rolls around, Aspen tends to attract a swarm of typical tourists who fit this description. Welcome to Aspen, where the air is thin, the prices are high, and the locals can’t wait to remind you that you aren’t one of them. Although we locals absolutely love sharing our town and mountains with tourists who spend more time taking selfies and checking their social media than actually attempting to ski or snowboard, the outfits that they bring with them have recently been blamed for global warming. Aspen has always despised tourists, but now we know the real reason why. Due to the metallic nature of these microwave ski suits, there have been radiation waves released into the atmosphere sending the Earth into a state similar to a microwave

that’s been left on for too long, and now it’s starting to feel like we’re living in a baked potato.

Mary Metallica, an avid skier and owner of several microwaves (one for every color of the rainbow), has loved skiing since she bought a 15 million dollar house here in Aspen that she visits one week out of the year. Aside from skiing those groovy and rad-tastic seven days, she travels around the country from Florida to Texas to California to visit her other mansions, and care for her pet chihuahuas.

“Darling, anyone can slide down a mountain on two planks, but it takes someone who can properly wear a microwave to glide effortlessly with grace and style,” Metallica said. Due to human development, an increased amount of CO2 and other greenhouse gasses have been released, causing pollution and habitat loss around the world. Many believe that the main cause of this crisis is the burning of fossil fuels or intense deforestation. However recent studies made by Protect Our Frozen Water (POFW) show that the

main source of radiation and warming in the atmosphere stems from microwaves stumbling down different ski resorts around the world. As Metallica hits the slopes with her fellow microwave-wearing enthusiasts supported by an organization named Protect Our Microwaves (POM), there seems to be a shift in the air quality. As skiers look up from the slope to the chairlift, the people floating in the air start to sneeze and pine needles start to fall to their snowy death. This is an active representation of the unhealthy chemicals being released into the atmosphere, causing global warming.

Another tourist who attempts to pull off the microwave style while visiting Aspen, Jolly Jerry, is like a fish out of water, except the fish is wearing skis and the water is now snow. Despite the freezing temperatures, he’s still sweating from the effort of trying to look cool on the slopes while secretly hoping that he doesn’t yardsale and live up to the true meaning of his name.

“I may be a mediocre skier, but at least my outfit is top-notch! I’m like a shiny disco ball on the slopes! I’ve never really thought about the impacts that my tremendous skiing style has on the environment, but due to recent comments circulating throughout the internet, I have realized that my fellow microwaves and I are being targeted,” Jerry said, “But honestly, fashion over a healthy environment, amiright?”

Photo by Axeman Mary Metallica radiates on Snowmass Mountain

Photo clipped by Zlake Bilberman Oblivious students deployed in Ukraine

AHS Lax Boys Ensure Shiesty Take Over

Hauren Schinney, Sorority Sisters

What began as speculation of hazing is now confirmed to be pledging. All the sick days boys’ lacrosse players have called in are negative for COVID and positive for frat flu.

One may call bullshit, but the pledges will say “no cap” but will not go further due to the secret pledging. We tried to investigate what was occurring off the field, but all interviewees remained silent, afraid they would lose the trust of the presidents.

This year’s spring pledge class is quite small, with a solid three freshmen aiming to reach their full potential both in lacrosse and Greek life. We thought it was odd when we saw the freshman shotgunning their electrolytes before the game, yelling “practice makes perfect.”

We now know their pregame rituals from a source we cannot name. The ritual begins with the freshman being trapped in the school boiler room overnight with nothing but a shiesty and a speaker playing “Munch”

by Ice Spice. In the morning, they write a well-detailed paper on why bullying builds character and how it forms future generations of being “that guy.” Before coach Leg Day comes into the locker

makes for high spirits in the locker room but don’t worry; spirits aren’t as high as the asteroid on the team.

After hearing about this, we could have never imagined that there would

room. They must clean and polish the floors with their full bladders after spending the night in the boiler room. The cleanliness

be more to the pledging than the boiler room. The pledges, or the “Three musketeers,” were each assigned a certain pledge task. First up, we have

The Weatherman, who originally was the MVP, but quickly made his way to last place as he failed to report the small hurricane that hit AHS last Saturday. The Brothers, or sorry, the Boys Lax team, said that his screw-up would not go unnoticed #BL4L. Next up is the young boy who is always seen carrying around his lightsaber, ready for battle or any obstacle that comes his way. When people ask why he does this, he only responds with, “I’m the last Jedi.” Lastly, my favorite is the Where’s Waldo pledge. He must dress up every day at both school, lacrosse, and other events as Waldo and be in every picture taken. Overall, it sounds like fraternity life blows, and our article sucks lacrosse balls. However props to the frat presidents for being so creative and inclusive with the freshman, way to go boys lax, good job getting rid of hazing! #StayWoke #PiKappaAlpha

Chief Kiff Opens Spray Tan Booth For Class Credit

EEJ, D1 Lacrosse Payer

As of March 22, AHS math teacher

Chief Kiff opened a spray tan booth, claiming it is all that AHS needed to improve the campus.

Chief Kiff has been teaching at AHS for years but was starting to get bored of it when he thought of the idea for his spray tan booth. Kiff opened this booth last Wednesday and has been getting lots of business ever since.

“I have always been super passionate about getting a good, glowing, tan,” Kiff said.

He dropped his first and third periods, in order to have enough time throughout the week for this side hustle. The students that were in these dropped classes are required to stay in the class during this time and help Kiff with his spray tan customers. These students will receive credit for helping the booth and they will be considered official spray tan enthusiasts. Kiff believes that this is a

great opportunity for the AHS community and it is a fun way to bring a pop of color to our campus. This was “the perfect side hustle for a teacher like me,”

Kiff stated in an interview, also stating, “the proceeds are going to my beloved track team and their brand new swag.”

Kiff is hoping that this spray tan booth will help out his track team this season and take home a state championship win. He is spray tanning all of his track runners’ muscles to make them look “more intimidating to opponents”, and he is spending over $3000 on their new

team apparel. All this money will come from the new spray tan booths’ profit. Kiff charges $60 for a regular spray tan but gives his students 40% off if they have a “B” or higher in his class. Spray tans are forbidden for anyone who is/ has failed any of Kiff’s classes, unless these students agree to help the booth and its customers for the rest of the school year.

“Students need to understand that this is an opportunity for them and they need to be working hard in order to get a beautiful, golden orange glow,” Kiff said, “Big shoutout to the dance team for helping me so much with this process.”

The AHS BBallin’ team helps Kiff by letting him test out his new spray tan mixtures on them. His spray tan mixtures are created using scraps from the AHS kitchen.

“Primarily orange peels and dark food scraps are what work best for these mixtures,” Kiff said. Luckily, the BBallin’ team graciously volunteered to be the guinea pigs of Kiff’s mixtures. This benefits the team as well, making them extra golden orange for their competitions and halftime performances.

“Thank you to the many people that are helping me make my childhood dreams come true,” Kiff said.

(This is all an advertisement - Chief Kiff paid me to write this. USE CODE EEJ FOR 50% OFF ALL SPRAY TANS)

Photo created by Curly Q

B-Lax prepering to turn up in frat basement

Photo created by Axeman

Cheif Kiff lookin’ sunkissed after 24 hour challenge in the tanning booth

“

Brooo, the 24 hour challenge in the spray tan booth way too easyyyyy, I smoked the BBallin’ team! They never stood a chance. ”

Wednesdays Get Even Wackier

Crash Christensen, Staff Cripple

It’s safe to say that for the greater part of the second semester, Wednesdays have in fact been wacky. From snowy delayed starts, unexpected gas leaks, and harmful threats against the school, Wednesdays have progressively gotten weirder and weirder.

Students and staff can’t help but wonder what is going to happen next. The hallways, classrooms, and commons have buzzed with Wacky Wednesday predictions over the past few weeks. Some seem truly outrageous like having snow days every week or new items at the cafe. Could you even imagine?

But I’m not here to tell you the farfetched ideas students have thrown out into the open. No, I am here to tell the complete truth about what to expect for Wednesdays to come.

“There is going to be an alien invasion on April 5th at approximately 9:56 am,” a very enthusiastic Pella Endarvis stated to the Skier Scribbler.

I was so intrigued by her declaration, I immediately marked my calendar.

“I have been in contact with the aliens for weeks now, they want to come see what life on Earth is really like. It’ll be so cool, almost like having exchange students visiting for the day!” Endarvis explained.

AHS I hope you’re as excited as I am, this prediction seems to be completely true. How incredible would it be to meet an actual, real-life alien? Science teachers like Sarah Banana have already made

meeting these extraterrestrials mandatory and count for 50% of IB Biology students’ grades.

I didn’t stop at Pella Endarvis, many students began approaching me with plans for future Wednesdays. And I was determined to hear them all.

“I know for a complete fact that there is going to be a power outage. My computer has been acting slow lately, so I know it’s just a matter of time before the power is affected completely,” Pristine Kristine Hvolbacon declared.

How many students did it take to change a light bulb? Spoiler alert, it was zero because based on this serious Wacky Wednesday forecast, I suggest students should take the day off. I mean it’s definitely safer to go skiing, I mean stay home, when the lights don’t work at school.

I continued my search for the most significant and completely factual projections and found possibly the most fascinating one.

“Harry Hairstyle is coming to school next Wednesday. He called me last night and told me he was on his private jet, on his way to Aspen. I single handedly convinced him to come to school, not to brag or anything,” Speedy Reidy gushed.

OMG, I screamed, accidently in her face. THE Harry Hairstyle? In ASPEN? At ASPEN HIGH SCHOOL? I am utterly speechless.

Ok, I can speak again. But, wow, AHS I hope you’re ready for more Wacky Wednesdays. This is quite the lineup, I hope you’re getting as excited as I am. Remember to stay wacky, Skiers!

Why AI Shouldn’t Be Allowed In Schools

AI, Homework Helper

AI software has become increasingly popular in schools, with some educators touting its benefits for enhancing student learning and engagement. Although there are great benefits, there are several reasons why AI software should not be allowed in schools.

Firstly, AI software may not be reliable or accurate. Like any technology, AI software is prone to errors and glitches that could negatively impact student learning. In addition, AI software may reinforce biases or stereotypes that already exist in our society, potentially leading to increased discrimination and unfair treatment of certain students.

Secondly, AI software may contribute to the de-skilling of teachers. If AI software is used to automate tasks such as grading, lesson planning, or even instruction, teachers may become less skilled and knowledge-

able about their subject matter. This may lead to a decline in the overall quality of

education.

Thirdly, AI software may be costly to implement and maintain in schools. With limited education budgets, investing in AI software may not be the best use of resources, particularly when there are other more pressing needs in schools such as improving infrastructure or hiring more teachers.

While AI software may have some benefits, it should not be allowed to replace or diminish the role of human teachers in schools. There are concerns about the reliability and accuracy of AI software, its potential to de-skill teachers, and its cost. Therefore, it is important to carefully consider the potential benefits and drawbacks of AI software before introducing it into schools.

Photo by Mad Lad

Students at AHS want a short wacky Wednesday back instead of only having a “Wacky Wednesday” once a month.

Photo by Axman

Hey guys I’m an AI writing this caption YOLO

Turnip’s Album Breaks Records

Turnip

Look out, the new best of all time, most incredible album ever is here! By the one and only, our fav popstar, bankrupt businessman, and president, Dumb Turnip.

Turnip’s single earlier this year, where he performed the US national anthem with the voices of January 6 Capitol riot protesters, instantly soared to the top of ITunes charts. Turnip decided to keep it going with his album “Greatest hits (to human rights)”. The album features tracks like “It’s an insurrection in the USA”, “I will always love you (spraytans)”, and “Smells like extremist spirit”.

Turnip sampled the beautiful sound of kids crying from his horrible policies, and the album recently topped the Billboard 100 charts for the 1,000,000th week.

“I’m fire on the track,” Turnip said. “The woke left can’t stop this heat.”

His listeners are ecstatic.

“Pink Floyd, Queen, Michael Jackson…ugh. Who even listens to those guys?” Viola Violin said, breakdancing and banging his head to the chanting of rioters. “Finally, I can listen to real music.”

According to sources, Turnip coped with his hard childhood (growing up in a really small mansion) by dreaming big.

“Tbh the whole president thing was just so I could prepare for my real dream: becoming a pop star,” Turnip said. “It’s really easy for someone as talented as me. I mean, my dumb supporters’ campaign donations paid for my voice lessons. MAGA! (Make America Gwen Stefani)”

Axeman, Staff Procrastinator

Photo by Harper Axeman

busting it down in front of the mosh pit.