April Fool's 2024

the Te Rim AKA ‘No Man’s Land’: Te Problem of AHS Parking

Sara(h) Scribbler

Neverary, It’s the Year 3000

Melbourne, Staf Newbie

Outside the orderly and peaceful land of the staf and senior parking lot, is an auto-wasteland known as, Te Rim. On Te Rim, there are no rules, only cutthroat juniors and sophomores fghting for one of the few spots. Spots where cars are safe from stickers, tickets, and boots. Don’t even think about

‘Totally Real’ News

Taylor Swift is in Town Now, Free Concert in the Commons Tonight!

‘You’re on the phone with your girlfriend; She’s upset, she’s going off about something that you said; ‘Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do’ I’m in my room, it’s a typical Tuesday night; I’m listeing to the kind of music she doesn’t like; And she’ll never know your story like I do....”

getting to school afer eight, unless you want to gamble with trying to parallel park in between the worst parking jobs known to man.

Fights are common and ofen end in scratches, and I’m not just talking about the students but their vehicles too. Tese students have no mercy and will do whatever it takes to get their cars safely parked. Tires are slashed and windows

No One Asked for your Opinion

The Goblet of Fire is the Best Harry Potter Movie

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

get smashed.

Mary Jane, a sophomore at AHS recounts a haunting encounter with an entitled junior searching for a spot at 8:10 in the morning.

“I knew as soon as I saw him swerve into the lot that I knew he would not be backing down. Some kids around me, including myself, sank into our seats to avoid being spotted. But, a sopho-

Anna & Elsa

Frozen Cast goes Undercover at Aspen High School to Find the Real Queen of Arendel

The beloved Queen of Arendel has gone missing, Elsa was last seen skinning up Tiehack belting ‘Let it Go’. Disney has sent in the cast of the hit movie to go undercover at AHS in an effort to fnd the missing character. Where (or who) could she be?

more new to Te Rim’s hostility wasn’t so lucky. Te sophomore was just starting to parallel park into a spot when the junior rushed up behind him, pushing his car back into the road and claiming it for himself. Simultaneously, a passenger leaned out of the junior’s car and keyed the entire right side of the sophomore vehicle!” Jane said.

Tese horrifc events are commonplace. Since the school year began, there have been numerous reports of violence on Te Rim. However, due to Te Rim’s no man’s land status, AHS ofcials don’t feel the need to intervene. Parking Executive Ofcer, Sherly Temple, comments on AHS’s stance on the issue.

“If these students want to have a chance to park on campus without a pass, more power to them. Te school will not ticket students along Te Rim, but that also means that we will not deal with the recent increase in aggressive behavior. Tis is something that the students will have to resolve themselves,” said Sherly Temple.

For now, it seems that Te Rim will stay the lawless semicircle of our campus. Sophomores and juniors who choose to park on its land must be prepared to endure the dangerous conditions that come with its accessible parking. Good luck to those brave individuals.

Table of Contents

Photo By Smish

Chaos erupts across the Aspen High School Parking lot, devious plot after devious plot has left the area in shambles.

The REAL Reason Baugh Baugh Black Sheep is Leaving

Kerchow, A Red Race Car

The recent news of current decision-making man Baugh Baugh Black Sheep relinquishing the Aspen School District leaves the community with questions. WHY would he leave us? WHAT is more important than deciding when the district will get a late start (never a snow day)?

There is a rumor going around that Baugh Baugh is abandoning the Aspen School district to work for CSVA, but this is a narrative created by Baugh Baugh himself. The real reason that Baugh Baugh is forsaking the school district is because he has fnished collecting data. The truth is that Baugh Baugh is a mad scientist who has been conducting an experiment on the people of the school district behind closed doors.

Over the past four years, Baugh Baugh has been utilizing a weather machine to collect data on how much snow is needed for the community to pine for a snow day. This of course greatly benefts

Baugh Baugh because he gets optimal snow to ski on while everyone else is at school.

“This project has been a long time coming and I’m excited to get back to the lab and process my data,” Baugh Baugh said. While Baugh Baugh mentioned that he is excited to get the results of his experiment, the community has feelings of its own on Baugh Baugh’s sudden leave. AHS assistant principal Burger Oliver has worked closely with Baugh Baugh during the past four years of his decision-making run.

“I think that this really surprised all of here at the district, it now makes sense why he always has a certain interest in the science department, I’m still wondering why he insisted on keeping all of

No Freedom For The Young

Marley and Me, The Best Dog Ever

First, school administrators took away off-campus lunch. Then they took free periods and threatened our cell phones. Now students will no longer be able to drive to school.

As of April 1st, the frst day back from spring break, Aspen High School will not accept senior parking passes.

For years AHS seniors have been able to park at the school. This was an incredible honor reserved for only the oldest members of the school. To park on campus, the students would need to obtain one of the parking passes.

Half of the middle school parking lot will be reserved for staff parking, and the rest will be used as a helicopter landing pad. Since the Skier Bus is not in working condition this year the athletics department needed to create a new way to travel in style. In comes the Skier-copter.

The pad will also be for rent. Any proceeds that come from renting it out will go towards the softball team. Our most impressive and popular sports team at the high school.

The punishment for parking at school will be cleaning the commons after

lunch. There is a lot to be done in the commons, and none of it is pleasant. Some of the jobs are cleaning up after people, who have somehow never learned to pick up after themselves, cleaning up spills, scraping unidentifed somewhat solid mess off of tables, and mopping the foors.

Faculty met in December to fnalize this idea. The idea frst came about when Teal requested more space for the garden towers. Faculty members such as Burger Oliver and Strasshotdog liked the idea because of the image boost and a safer school.

“If students can’t drive to school there will be fewer accidents in the parking lot, and we can make sure students are on campus for the whole school day,” says Burger Oliver

After the loss of responsibility and freedom through the loss of off-campus lunch and the threat to ban cell phones, the loss of parking, and in turn driving to school was not a surprise. When asked about how this would affect student life,

“You know we don’t care about student freedom,” Strasshotdog said.

The fghts for parking spots on the rim might become fghts to the death.

the science classrooms frigid,” Oliver said. “This news makes me question all of my staff and interactions I’ve had my whole time working here.”

Although the community may be concerned about the prospect of partaking in an underground experiment, in other words being a guinea pig, the results of Baugh Baghs data can give us valuable insight into one of the most important issues that faces our school today: going to school when it should be a snow day. AHS 11th-grade student has observed shifts since Baugh Baugh announced his abandonment.

“Since he announced this news [abandoning the district] we have already had a full snow day, I am so so so excited for the future of the district cause I want more snow days,” said the 11th-grade student.

Can YOU Ski in Stilettos????

practical it is—I can barely walk in stilettos, let alone ski!”

However, others are embracing the challenge with open arms and a sense of adventure.

Paris Hilton, A Y2k Baddie

A bold and unexpected move has sent shockwaves through the Aspen High School skiing community. AHS’s premier ski race team has announced a radical change to its uniform dress code for the 2024-2025 season: traditional skiing gear is out, skiing in stilettos is in.

Yes, you read that correctly. Forget your bulky jackets, insulated pants, and sensible ski boots… AHS skiing is ushering in a new era of glamor on the slopes.

In collaboration with the “Fashion and Design” course at the high school, the teacher in the art department, Madame Piste, thoroughly explains how the Skiing in Stilettos initiative aims to revolutionize the skiing experience with student involvement, combining high fashion with high altitude in a daring display of style and skill.

“We believe in pushing the boundaries of conventional skiing,” reported Madame Piste, her designer sunglasses perched atop hair. “And what better way to do that than by skiing in stilettos?”

The announcement has left the skiers both thrilled and apprehensive at the prospect of navigating treacherous downhill terrain in four-inch heels.

“It’s certainly a bold move,” admitted veteran AHS skier and resident, Jack Powderhound, “But I’m not sure how

“I’ve always believed that skiing is as much about style as it is about skill,” declared fashion-forward skier and self-proclaimed trendsetter, Ava Microwaver, “And what’s more stylish than skiing in stilettos?”

To wrap up the end of the ski season, the AHS ski team has already begun adjusting for next season’s change in style.

In partnership with the fashion students, a sketched line of custom-designed ski stilettos has already been created, featuring sturdy yet stylish designs equipped with special grip soles and prediction trendy patterns for 2025.

“We want our students to feel like they’re strutting down the runway, even as they carve through fresh powder,” explained Principal Cheeseburger, unveiling a dazzling array of ski stilettos in every color of the rainbow.

As skiers and students eagerly await the next ski season of Aspen’s slopes, one thing is certain: Skiing in Stilettos promises to be a spectacle like no other, blending fashion, fair, and fearless skiing prowess in a daring display of couture on the mountainside. Not only will these students follow the school’s motto of “We Skiin” but they’ll be “skiin” in style. Whether it will revolutionize the sport or result in a series of spectacular wipeouts remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure, the AHS ski team is about to become the hottest team on the Western Slope for fans of fashion-forward skiing seeking to make a statement on the slopes.

Photo By Curly Q

Baugh Baugh in his element.

Photo by Curly Q

Birds help in the fght for freedom.

Photo by Curly Q

These boots aren’t made for walking.

Commons Getting Replaced by Corn Maze for Easier Navigation

Kerchow, A Red Race Car

Following the updated furniture and layout of the AHS Commons during the 2023-2024 school year, many students were heard voicing their frustrations in protest outside of the administration offces.

The protests heavily distracted administrators from the draining and diffcult job of pushing the button to let people inside the school. The unrest caused by the furniture in the commons and the protests in response caused the administration to make a change. In order for the commons to become more navigable and for the administration to be able to get back to button-pushing, there has been an executive decision made to replace all of the furniture in the commons with a corn maze.

AHS Freshman Anita Break has only ever known the common’s new confguration and believes that now with the corn maze, it is even better. “I was really scared about coming to high school and getting lost, the

frst week the commons opened it happened!” Break said, “Now with the corn maze there are so many fewer traffc

issues and I can actually get to class on time.”

The addition of the corn maze has

created positive change throughout the school so much so that the other schools in the district are considering implementing this as well. AHS principal, Sarah Strasshotdog has been very pleased with the outcome of this upgrade.

“Students seem to have been getting to class on time, and have told me they feel less distracted and happier while walking through the commons,” Strasshotdog said.

Although there are many positive aspects of the corn maze commons, 15 students have gotten lost. Ten of the missing students have since been found in the past two months. Some students were skipping class and got lost while running from Burger Oliver, the vice principal; others were on the hunt for cookies.

“It was really scary and I thought for a second that I wanted to be able to leave, but eventually I found my way into the science wing. I still love the corn maze though, best addition ever,” AHS Senior Paige Turner said.

New ‘Rent-A-Freshmen’ Initiative Takes Students by Storm

Ry-A-Roo, This One’s Going Places

Effective next school year, Aspen High School will implement a new ‘Rent-a-Freshman’ initiative. It involves a quick fee waiver of $1000 and a super easy 5,000 word application. Next thing you know, a freshman will attend SET, complete an assignment, or meet with your teacher, all especially for you. No more forward planning, no more stress, just have a new freshman fgure it out for you. Because everyone knows, life is easier when others do it all for you.

Juniors and Seniors must check into their homeroom in order to be counted for attendance by their SET teacher. Next, you must go to the offce and check your pass in, sign an obligation waiver detailing legal liability, and sign out a freshman of your choice.

Some parents voiced their concerns about the effectiveness of this strategy and why the school should be implementing it in the frst place. In response, Principal Strasshotdog insisted upon its positive impacts and invaluable opportunity.

“This program allows freshmen to inherently learn about the importance of responsibility whilst developing bonds with upperclassmen. For the so-called ‘renters’, they are able to balance their workload so ideally while that freshman attends SET or fnishes one assignment, there is available time to work on other priorities/projects,” Strasshotdog said.

A similar program was recently implemented in schools within our valley such as Bapepper High School and Roaring Spoon High School which introduced ‘rent-a-freshman’ to stand in the lunch line as well as discussion of ‘rent-afreshman’: Parking Space Holder Edition.

Other members of the faculty are revealing concerns for the freshmen themselves to stay up to date with their workload while helping the program.

In response, Strasshotdog explained, “The requirement for one to participate in the renting process is maintaining all grades above 85% on both ends. That way, the students are focusing on their academic integrity while creating room to engage with classmates and diversify their perspective of what it looks like to be in others’ shoes.”

If interested in this program and/or looking to get a sneak peek into what the application process looks like, contact Strasshotdog at defnitelytherealprincipalofAHS.org/.com.

Photo by Smish Students optimistically enter the new corn maze in order to be better directed.

Emotional Support Water Bottles

Haley Hears a Who, Wolf of Wallstreet Water bottles, in the past, were a very useful tool for hydrating on the go. Yet, in 2024 water bottles have become more of an emotional support method. You will fnd that almost every person carries a water bottle that matches them as a person, and their ideals for the world. These bottles range from stainless steel, non leakage bottles, to a plastic Smart Water that has been refellied countless times.

A Stanley Cup, and I am not referring to the masterpiece crafted and won by those in the NHL. No, I am talking about the over used, over priced, and unnecessarily large metal cups with a handle. These water bottle variants have

taken over teenage girls all over the country.My heart broke a little when I saw Bass Pro had begun to sell them in their inventory. If you own a Stanley, I am assuming you’re out of money this month as you indulge in too many micro trends. I don’t see why you would want to buy such a heavy piece of metal to carry around everywhere you go, unless you’re just trying to get extra reps outside of the gym. Walking through the halls or anywhere else with a large number of people, you will witness countless people participating in the unspoken Stanley greeting. This is very similar to a ‘Jeep wave’. Those holding a Stanley walked passed one another raising their “glass” and then parted ways. If you

Students are Super-Duper Excited About New Rules

A-ray-of-sunshine, In the Sky

at Aspen High School

We have all been excited to hear about the new additions to the school rules.

High Aspen School has announced a new set of rules aimed at maximizing student productivity and academic excellence. The centerpiece of this innovative educational upgrade? Absolutely no breaks during the school day - excluding seniors, coupled with nightly homework marathons lasting until midnight since you have all eight classes. The rule has been put in place in order to make students broaden their knowledge on random, forced classes that students have absolutely no interest in. There is exciting talk about not being able to leave the school property throughout the whole school year, only every going home for the summer. Students will be required to either be doing homework or talking to teachers and not even beable to leave school to get food. Students will only be required to wait in the long lines for lunch with limited amount of time to sit and eat. And better yet, if you don’t have enough money in your account it’s not possible to buy lunch, otherwise you could have your parents wake up early before work to make and bring you food. By the time it actually gets to lunch time your sandwich will be mushy and chips crushed into dust.

purchased a Stanley you either got it because you didn’t wanna be left out or you purchased it as a self defense tool because we all know your fst isn’t strong enough to make a dent.

This nex contraption isa fan favorite, the Hydro Flask. This special bottle has been seeing success in the market since 2019, as they began to trend on VSCO. These water bottles do a great job of keeping your ice alive and water crisp, but are absolutely obnoxious. They are expensive for their capability. The loud crash when dropping a Hydro Flask can be heard within a 12 mile radius, give or take. If you currently use a Hydro Flask, you aren’t doing it for the trend as we left that (cough, cough) a couple years ago. You simply enjoy the bottle itself as it makes you think you are hydrated because it’s lasted all day. When in reality you haven’t had a single sip. You continue to purchase all the new lids because old ones just aren’t doing it for you anymore. All in all, you are a person looking to get hydrated and just can’t seem to part with your nonfunctional Hydro, luckily Hydro Flask doesn’t stop releasing new colors!

A refllable plastic water bottle. More

often than not, you will fnd someone carrying along with them a gatorade bottle from the school’s cafe, reflled with water. Typically this person forgets a water bottle for school, but they fnd themselves quite thirsty by second period. If you fnd you fall into this category you are resourceful, forgetful, but resourceful. I admire your ability to track down an object to keep you hydrated but after four or fve times you should start to see a pattern.

A Nalgene, in my opinion, is the tip top best water bottle you can have. Nalgene is effcient, cheap, and super easy to make your own. If you spot a Nalgene you will uncover how each one is personalized to the person caring for it. They usually have stickers but sometimes they are engraved with puff paint from a sports team gift. If you own a Nalgene, you are just trying to hydrate yourself more, but you got sick of trendy water bottles and remembered how great Nalgenes were on camping trips.

2024 has alerted how we as a population look at water bottles. I say we drop the trends, stop buying overpriced water bottles and continue to drink tap water.

Tips on How to Sneak Your Phone into Class

Add-a-line, 4-999

Every year, the length of the school year seems to get longer and longer.

The staff of High Aspen School tend to blame this all on the state of Colorado. This coming year students will be excited to learn that the school year will be 365 days long. Additional schedule changes include, one day weekends and to meet the state standards for learning time there will also be a shorter lunch time of 20 minutes. Extended time throughout the summer will also be mandatory and is to be called Summer Studious Sessions, by giving it this new name it seems different and even possibly exciting.

The High Aspen School has fnally fgured out the heating throughout the school. They have realized that in the winter students usually bring their jackets to school so they must be bringing them for in school, and because of this the air conditioning will be turned on during the winter to put those jackets to use. During the summer, they will be putting the heating on because obviously, students are wearing shorts and no sweaters so they can be hot in school as well as outside.

These are only a few of the new exciting improvements that the school has come up with for the 2024/28 school year. For more information please visit the school website highaspenschool.com

With the crackdown of the admin on the policy of phones at school, it is looking extremely dire for the presence of little pocket computers at school next year. The screens have produced endless complaints from teachers and other staff at Aspen High School. Supposedly, reports of low productivity and shortened attention spans have been linked to heavy phone usage in classrooms. To say the very least, staff are completely fed up. Teachers apparently believe that Gen Z is completely addicted to cell phones and action must be taken to suppress this growing concern. But exclusively for students, naturally. Teachers are more than welcome to stop lessons to scroll through Tik Tok, or send a snap to the squad, for as long as they want.

As of now, measures involving town hall have been taken by Principal Sarah Strasshotdog and Burger Oliver. A rumor including the complete abolition of cell phones, for students, on AHS campus has also circulated. Rapidly. There have been many reports of more meltdowns than usual in the library, crying in the bathrooms, and oh the horror, fghts in the commons .

I understand the feeling of panic you are most likely experiencing, right now as a peer at Aspen. And a phone addicted student myself, I have made it my absolute duty to provide the information you all want, how to sneak your phone into school. It’s so hard to go a full 80 minutes in class without fipping through social media, responding to a text, or (my personal favorite) online shopping (with your parents credit card, duh). Here are some tips and tricks (from a total certifed professional) to help with

your little, totally innocent vice.

Hide it in Your Shoe

Alright tip numero uno, hide your phone in your shoe. It’s not an obvious spot to put it at all. Teachers defnitely won’t notice you limping up the Red Staircase, wincing with every step (with Aspen sport injury rates, teachers won’t spare a second glance). And no single person will notice the large lump protruding from your sock. Blame it all on another sprained ankle (because no one has used this excuse enough). Trust me this plan is foolproof (although I haven’t tried it yet).

Put it in Your Friend’s Backpack

When in doubt, blame it on your friend. Or so the old proverb goes. Hide your phone in your friend’s backpack (without consent, obviously) and all will be well in the world. This trick results in at least 87% of friendships in ruins, but hey! There’s a 13% chance your friend will think it’s funny getting suspended for something they didn’t do, always look on the bright side folks.

Sandwich Phone

And last but not least, this might be my favorite. I love sandwiches. Ok anyways, disguise your phone as a sandwich, perfect idea. Teachers and peers won’t be suspicious when you pull it out in the middle of class, the sandwich is calling and you must ‘eat it’. It’s completely normal to stare at your sandwich, poking and prodding it for at least 20 minutes before you take a big (fake) bite. Extra Tip: Avoid peanut butter and jelly… doesn’t end well for your little friend.

Happy sneaking and scrolling, Skiers!

Photo by Curly Q Finalists of the 2024 Emotional Support Water Bottle Competition.

How To Money Launder For Dummies and Criminals

Tolkien, Yearbook Specialist

Are you nervous about having some extra cash during that upcoming gap year? Want to spice up your life and forget about your dream career that’s gonna be replaced by AI anyways? You (and many other upperclassmen) might be asking, ‘what career can I possibly get into that’s exciting, creative, and makes me a lot of money?’. To that end my dear reader, I introduce to you… Money laundering! The smartest ‘SUPER LEGAL’ way to hide some extra cash, (who am I kidding a lot of extra cash) from the authorities and most importantly, your parents.

You may be asking, ‘But Tolkein, how do I start?’ Don’t fret! Because I’ve created the perfect checklist to get you started on your very own money laundering journey, Money Laundering for Dummies.

Step 1. Know What You’re Getting Into

If you’re unsure you want to live a super-cool life with insane amounts of cold hard cash, this is NOT the career for you. One way to test this out is to watch Scarface again. If you’re not saying Tony Montana is HIM afterward, maybe go into accounting or something.

Step 2. Low Risk, High Reward

While less-than-legal businesses are

always at risk of being shut down by the Po-Po, do not let them intimidate you! The benefts of this super legit system will always outweigh the risks, (the max is like 20 years in prison) and the only people that ever get caught for doing illegal stuff are dumb. Look at the Cartel! They’re still up and running, and the US is still the #1 consumer of “Rugs”. Talk about a record!

Step 3. Study

The only way you’ll ever fgure out what illegal business you want to go into is by studying the greats! These include Scarface, Catch Me if You Can, The Godfather, GoodFellas, and many more. But you can’t just study these legends, to truly be the best in the feld, you have to become them. Being intelligent is not enough, you actually have to be super cool too. ( I know this might be challenging for a lot of you,

but just like your mom tells you, try your best.) Have you ever seen a mafa boss that practices their order in line at McDonalds? That’s what I thought.

Step 4. Choosing Your Business

Sure, you can always be the lame “unsuspecting” business owner of a money laundering front; but where’s the fun in that? To really enjoy the fruits of your labor, you need to own the business and bring in the illegal funds. ‘But Gia! What are my choices?’

Lucky for you, your options are endless.

Option #1 “Rugs”

What happened to good ol’ illegal ‘rug’ businesses? This is defnitely the easiest way to bring in that extra dough I know you’re all dreaming about. All you need is a bulk supplier (post a help wanted on your social media stories!) Some fellow

broke college students who are sick of selling organs on Depop will defnitely slide up. And last but not least, frequent customers. “Rug” businesses are most often disguised as Italian restaurants, so while you’re at it, you might as well make the food and ‘bev’ gas too.

Option #2 Laundromats

The perfect option for dad-joke lovers everywhere. Money laundering? Laundromats? Come on, it’s punny and you know it. Money comes in and out of laundromats all the time and they’re literally everywhere. Mixing in some extra cash from “rugs” with some sweet fabrics seems like the move to me; Funny and convenient, the perfect combo for the average rookie.

Option #3 Casinos

The best option for a picture-perfect western flm, (preferably in B&W). For this plan I envision buying Whiskey Pete’s in Nevada and completely revamping it (With the Bonnie and Clyde death car still displayed of course). However, if we’re being completely honest, I’m sure it’s already been a front at some point or another (less work for you!).

There you go noobs! The easiest and most versatile ways to hide all that illegal bread you’ll be making, so go stop selling feet pics on Instagram and go make bank!

Local Teen Denied College Admission After Forgetting to Bribe Admissions Ofcer

Elsa, Queen of Arendale

BREAKING NEWS: In a shocking turn of events, a local teen’s dreams of higher education were destroyed not by lack of potential, but by forgetting to include a bribe with their college application.

During the past couple of months, high school seniors have been consumed by the college admissions process. Not only have students been asked to summarize their whole life into a threepage application, but the system has become increasingly rigged that even the top students in their classes are getting denied from prestigious schools.

Sources revealed that the anonymous teenager, who had spent countless hours obsessing over standardized test scores, perfecting extracurricular activities, and meticulously crafting their application essays, was left utterly fabbergasted upon receiving a rejection letter from their dream university.

my heart and soul into my application, heck I even donated my organs to those in need! What more could they want from me?”

impressive, they failed to adhere to the tradition of slipping an envelope stuffed with cash or a hefty check into the hands of the decision-makers.

“We receive thousands of applications

make a fnancial contribution to the university.”

In response to this incident, the student’s family is currently hiring a team of lawyers to explore the legal obligations of this debacle. The parents argue that their child’s denial represents discrimination against honest families who can’t afford to play the game of bribery.

“It’s absurd,” exclaimed the high school senior who wishes to remain anonymous in order to avoid further embarrassment and humiliation. “I did everything right! I studied tirelessly, volunteered in my community, poured

The admissions offcer in question who rejected this student confrmed that while the teenager’s credentials were indeed

each year,” said the admissions offcer.

“You can’t simply expect us to remember every single applicant who doesn’t

“Apparently, I forgot the golden rule: always bring a briefcase full of cash to the admissions offce,” said the anonymous high school senior, rolling their eyes.

As the story of the local teenager spreads like wildfre, it serves as an important reminder of the absurdity of the college application system that values wealth over genuine, hard-working students. There is an urgent need for reform in this broken system. Until then, the anonymous local teenager and countless others like them will continue to be casualties of a system that prioritizes privilege over potential.

Photo by Sara Michelin MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!!!

Photo by Curly Q

Parents have no shame in marching through This Is Not A Real School’s campus to bride admissions offcers for their child’s admittance.

Simon Says, but who is Simon?

If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? What if Simon said to?

You all know the game. If he says it you do it, and if he doesn’t you’re out. It’s plain and simple really. So what if Simon says “vote for me” would we? This has both the Democrats and Republicans concern. There have been normos rumors regarding Simon being the third party candidate in the 2024 election. Many believe he would have a great infuence on voters. Especially

those who were fond of the elementary school game. With these rumors being put to an end last week when politicians found out Simon in fact, will use his infuence to run for the highest offce in America, the Presidency.

There have been massive protests of people stating that Simons campaign is violating the First Amendment. Along with the concern expressed by politicians as well as numerous CEO’s from America’s largest corporation that Simon is incapable of doing things

unaccompanied. “Simon does a great job saying, but can he carry out his goals?” expressed former president Barack Obama. “If Simon is elected, then what?”

Last week Simon expressed his fondness for french fries. “France has my heart, they have made greatness which is why we are always at peace.” Sadly Simon spoke out after having a bad experience at a French Establishment. “ Never again do I want to see French food.” This has me, and a large portion

of the U.S. worried what this means. What if Simon says no trading? This will be catastrophic to the Economy as well as our geological position. As well as but strains on our foreign policy relations with other countries.

My other biggest worry with third party is the Age of Simon as it is signifcantly shown through his walker and the Do Not Touch sign on his back. Simon has been around for many generations. Citizens with children have been becoming disturbed stating Simon has been putting ideas into their children’s head. One mom from Greenwich Connecticut reported her daughter came home unwilling to remove her hands from her head, since the teacher did not say Simon said not to.

“When I give you my word, I promise it will get done. I feel I have a preference that people look up to and value. When I say we need change, the people agree. I can’t say for certain I will be the greatest leader this country has ever had, yet I can say with confdence I will lead us to success.” Simon said during his campaign last Saturday.

“We hear Simone, but what he says is getting old, can’t he just suggest?” Said Linda Pidora a Brown University Student studying political science. After the statement many groups around the U.S. have begun to create posters with the statement,“Simion suggests?”. No one is quite sure where the election stands currently with which party is going to have the most votes, but many politi-

Breaking News: Boe Jiden Abolishes the AARP

Tom Cruz, Impersonator Octogenarian, Boe Jiden has decided to abolish the AARP - and to the surprise of Gen-Zers across the nation, Mo Ann Benkins, AARP’s CEO, agreed. Ms. Benkins has been CEO of the party for over 10 years, and believes that as a whole, AARP creates too many ‘lazy’ people.

“We don’t want that image - of people not working,” said Benkins. “That is why I agree with Boe.”

Jiden, as the Chairman of Falling Down airplane stairs, released a vlog on X stating that he had the authority to abolish the association.

“With the authority invested in me by… I don’t remember the offcial words but… anyways, I am abolishing the American Association of Retired Persons,” said Mr. Jiden, on [date redacted for security] his 80th birthday. “I’m eighty, and I’m working hard in a good job - so why should anyone else retire!”

You may be curious, what of the AARP’s 100 million hardworking

retired persons? To placate the massesafter all, retired people need unions too - Jiden proposed the American Workers Party (AWP) to the outrage of many politicians. Opposition party leader Tonald Drump was especially outspoken against the idea, while alleged communist and vehement supporter of Carl Marx’s ideas Burny Sander

believes,

“This will be a great thing for America. I’m too cold to say why - I need my mittens - but this will be great.”

Drump attacked Sander’s support of the AWP, calling it communist and saying that it was too helpful to Americansthat it would make them lazy.” Sander may have been offended, but his

Botoxed face revealed no surprise;

“Yeah, it might be a little communist,” said Sander. “But - couldn’t we always use more communism in our—’’ before he was interrupted by Jiden. Jiden, who has not received Botox and may be from another planet, released a statement condemning the allegations of Sander and Drump.

“I am not a communist!” said Jiden in a disorganized speech on Friday. (At this point, Mr. Jiden leaned to his left and asked his chief of policy if this statement was indeed true, and he was not a communist. His chief replied that no, the man who won the Democratic nomination for chairman of falling down stairs was not, indeed, a communist). “This will help Americans work, and everyone will be equal, yes - maybe the AWP will own all of their property - but that’s not communist!”

(Mr. Jiden’s Chief of Staff walked onto stage after this statement, and declared that, due to a security risk, that would be the last question Jiden would take).

Haley Hears a Who, Wolf of Wallstreet

Photo by Curly Q

Newly innagurated president Simon stands behind presidental podium prior to adressing the nation.

Photo by Kerchow

Does anybody actully care about any of this?

Felons Can Now Run Companies

Melbron, Staff Newbie

The United States Government has offcially released that convicted felons can now be considered for the role of CEO within major companies. If you’ve done time for a major crime, now is your time to shine. The government believes that felons’ experience in some of the most dangerous prisons perfectly conditions them for the cutthroat world of business.

As of this March 1st, felons are now encouraged to state their current criminal status and go further into detail about the crimes they have committed.The more fraud the better! Companies and their employees across the U.S. are ecstatic about the new perspectives these criminals are bringing to the table.

Companies are specifcally looking for felons who have been found guilty for mishandling and harboring classifed documents for the former companies they worked for. To businesses this shows a strong devotion and a knack for taking initiative. In a press conference with Network News Cable (CNN), recently resigned CEO of Pear Computer Inc., Boe Jiden shares his thoughts on his predecessor, Tonald Drump.

“When I learned that he was under investigation for 37 felony counts I was immediately intrigued. I mean when a guy has lied to his past employees and betrayed his former agency, that is when you know he is going to be the most loy

al leader you have ever had. I am elated that he [Tonald Drump] will be the new CEO of Pear Computer Inc.,” said Boe Jiden.

This increased equality and representation is highly benefcial to the felon community. For so long these criminals have been deemed untrustworthy and outcasts in society. These stereotypes take a major toll on felons in many aspects of their lives. Over 85% of felons have reported feeling lost, misunderstood, and depressed. An anonymous felon spoke on his experience with these labels.

“Sure I’ve committed tax fraud and performed over nine armed robberies on banks throughout the country, but that doesn’t mean that people can just assume that I am untrustworthy and dan-

gerous. In prison I have learned valuable tools on how to make deals and persuade people, which are traits many companies would value in a CEO. I hope that one day felons will be treated with respect and kindness,” said the anonymous offender.

A major change is coming to the

world of business, but it is a step in the right direction for general society. The government believes it is time we give felons a chance to show their worth in major leadership positions. No more will these people be shunned, maybe one day a felon will become the president of the United States.

Bondrea Belasquez: Woossian Spy

Alec’s Brother Bondrea Belasquez is a sweet, caring, and well-cherished Spanish teacher at AHS from Colombia. This is just as

we know it, but Bondrea has a secret. Belasquez has discretely been an elite member of the Федеральная служба безопасности Российской Федерации,

or The Federal Security Service of the Woossian Federation. Bondrea Belasquez is in fact a Woossian spy. Belasquez wasn’t always apart of this association, she was not always a Woossia n spy. When she was younger, she was a beloved member of her community and actively became the best soccer player in her town.

At that time she lived in Colombia with her family, life was much simpler then. When she was merely a tween at the young age of eleven, a secret Woossia n agent who had been watching multiple children in Belasquez’s hometown selected Bondreato train to be the next elite member of the FSSRF. At twelve Bondrea packed her bags and was off to Woossia , forced to leave her life and family behind.

For twenty-fve years, Belasquez trained harder each day to become the best in hopes to

return to her family in Colombia. Even after all of her strenuous training, she was given the conclusion that she was to return to Colombia for one year in order to secure a teaching degree. Belasquez was assigned to teach at AHS, and was told to collect data on changes in Aspen’s real estate market.

She put all of her time, power, and energy into this position at AHS. She knew she could trick Strasshotdog into believing she was just a Spanish teacher. Now that she is over a semester deep into teaching at AHS, she’s collected all the information that Woossia needs on our school; and now, Belasquez is coming forward admitting to everything she has done.

Belasquez claims the most important information she got on us is the infation in the cafe. Woossia believes infation causes the presence of Aliens and will be sending more spies to gather more information in the future. Bondrea believes that aliens are great specimens to study and she wants to help Woossia partake in that.

Woossia will be invading AHS during the 24-25 school year if the cafe prices don’t plummet before the end of the current school year.

“This is the cafe’s last warning,” said Pladamir Vutin, the dictator of Woossia.

Photo by Curly Q

Newest company head, a convivted crimal with a history of fraud.

Photo by Alec’s Brother Bondre Belasquez dropping in on the AHS cafe with her Woossian ally, the Soviet Bear

Skiers in Aspen Petition for Heated Chairlifts

Elsa, Queen of Arendale

Aspen, Colorado is already synonymous with its luxury and poise, however, throughout this current ski season, CoSki has been receiving requests for an even more elevated standard of sophistication.

The beginning of the 2023-24 ski season started off strong with the new addition of Loser’s lift on Aspen Mountain. This high-speed quad not only turned 153 acres of powder into icy bumps but also provided the Aspen population with a new plush lift to ride while summoning your personal chauffeur to meet you at the bottom of the mountain. Although Aspen Snowmass is one of the bougiest ski towns in the United States, in an unexpected turn of events, tourists focking to this destination have begun making rather astonishing requests, with some suggesting the installation of heated chairlifts.

It appears that the chill of the Rocky Mountains isn’t quite what these visitors had in mind when seeking a winter retreat. Amidst the allure of Aspen’s high-end boutiques and gourmet dining, some visitors have forgotten that embracing the crisp mountain air is part of the experience.

Chad Cashmere is the owner of several houses in the valley however calls Miami Beach his

true home. During Cashmere’s spontaneous trips out to Aspen in his private jet, he notices that his perfect “Aspen experience” has been interrupted by the brisk breezes that chill him to the bone while riding the chairlift.

“I didn’t fy all the way to Aspen to have my bottom frozen like a snow cone on these treacherous lifts! I demand heated seats. I deserve nothing less than a toasty embrace as I continue to shred the slopes,” Cashmere said.

Klaus Oberlemon is a long-time local in the Aspen area and has been skiing his whole life and even has a run named after him on Milkbutter. Oberlemon deeply understands and appreciates the Aspen ski culture, unlike the tourists who visit merely for their Instagram feeds.

“Heated chairlifts? What’s next, personal butlers on the slopes? This is absurd!” Oberlemon remarked on the idea proposed by Cashmere.

One can only imagine the absurdity of such an idea; skiers reclining leisurely as if on a tropical beach. Perhaps next, they’ll petition for heated ski runs to prevent the injustice of chilly and icy descents. Those edges need something to hold on to! Oh, the lengths they will go to escape a small shiver in the winter wonderland of Aspen. Perhaps it’s time for these winter enthusiasts to trade in their fur-lined parkas for a dose of genuine outdoor adventure.

Mountain Expands Opportunities Through Summer Skiing

Ry-A-Roo, This One’s Going Places

Announced on early Sunday morning, Feb. 25, 2024, Aspen Company Ski is introducing plans to implement new summer skiing opportunities. Following the irregular snow conditions of the most recent season, Co. Ski plans to operate chair lifts and open runs during the summer season. This new terrain will be a tactical change, including areas of dirt, grass, meadows, and even mud!

“This grass terrain will provide an exceptional addition to the adaptiveness and all-around agility of our local skiers. We plan to offer these passes exclusively to locals and, if proven successful, we will open this new type of skiing to seasonal tourists in the following years,” CEO Chef Whippersnapper said.

At the base of every mountain, there will be areas to purchase these passes starting from May 30 to August 23. At a town hall city meeting, some local residents held concerns about the risks involved in falling and potential damage that could be done to equipment, such as chips by rocks as well as wildlife disruption.

“We understand that inherent risks are involved within this new opportunity. Similar to the regular winter season, it is upon the skiers to decide whether they are willing to take on the risks involved. As for the wildlife, we will work to

avoid them, but if contact does occur, ask them how their families are doing. These interactions do not have to be awkward!” Whippersnapper said.

The requirement to ski this terrain involves having more than 15 years of general skiing experience and/or attending at least fve summer ski school lessons to learn about the new techniques tactically needed in this terrain.

In an interview with a local townsperson Jezebel Julius Jaguar, they expressed their excitement about the upcoming summer opening.

“I am already pretty much the expert of all four mountains, and know every run like the back of my hand. I am extremely excited to be able to test my limits in this new and improved skiing,” Jaguar said.

Additionally, Co. Ski will offer a limited number of VIP passes to fve individuals. These passes entail a special privilege to ski on tree runs that will be otherwise closed off to the public. These narrow runs create too much hazard for the majority of skiers as this terrain is being newly introduced, so, it will be offered to those who are distinctly skilled within the sport. More news is soon to come regarding this topic and possible discussion of simultaneous disc golf and ski action.

Photo by Smish

Local skier attempts to trial the proposition of summer skiing to be introduced this 2024 summer.

Photo by Mad Lad

Aspen “locals” daydreaming about the luxuries that the heated charlifts will bring to the mountains.

EXPOSED: Snow is Fake and So Are You

Tom Crusie, Impersonator

SATIRE - - - NORAD, Colorado - A brave state-sponsored Chinese hacker released documents on Thursday from NORAD with undeniable proof that snow is in fact a government conspiracy. Known by the handle @ SuperReliableChineseHacker on the “dark web”, the hacker fought through government frewalls and millions of false documents to fnd the truth.

“I come from a country with a truthful regime that cares about its citizens,” shared the hacker. “I did this alone, not at the behest of my employer and government. I love snow - China didn’t make me release these. But can you believe that they made white nanobots?!”

American public offcials urged citizens to question the reliability of documents released by the hacker. The News Safety Organization (NSA) pointed out that, while @SuperReliableChineseHacker had millions of upvotes on Reddit, his identity had not been proved in any other way.

“We contacted China asking if it was indeed their hacker that

Global Warming’s Not-So-Hidden Benefts: Watch out for your future - it might not exist

Alecs Brother, Non Existant

Locally, we’ve been experiencing very little snowfall, due to global warming. What many don’t understand is that contrary to the public’s opinion, there are more benefts than disadvantages in climate change.

People don’t actually like winter. The cold and snow is something that the entire population dreads everyday during the repugnant season.

According to an anonymous survey, 100% of people voted they enjoy summer more than winter. The only thing winter has to offer is uncomfort and skiing. While some people enjoy skiing, the snow blowers on the mountains can help out with that. Adding onto that, all of the irrelevant AVSC skiers can just have their small slushy run that leads into the airbag. Anyone who says they prefer the cold instead of warmth; is either lying to be different, or insane

Polar bears are becoming weaker! Polar bears are an extensive threat to not

only defenseless seals, but humans too. Polar bears are massive threats to humans, and while here have been twenty total deaths, yet over 60 casualties caused by polar bears. Humans being our #1 priority, are becoming safer and more relaxed around polar bears because they’re becoming skinnier and less powerful. Endangered species reality shows can become a huge inter-

net sensation. Polar bears, elephants, cheetahs, gorillas, and other endangered animals could all become massive parts of the world’s entertainment. Fight clubs, dating shows, competition shows; could all be watched and made into great TV shows. Entering the social aspect of entertainment, most people with less than 15 brain cells would adore watching these shows. These shows will become the top source of entertainment throughout the entire world, all due to one of our favorite aspects, climate change.

did this – and we got no response,” John Not-An-Alias Smith said in a statement. The NSA was not the only group that questioned the legitimacy of the information released. Many people in China wondered –assuming the report was real– if their government also spied on them with white nanobots. However, these suspicions were quickly crushed by the Chinese MSS, or the Ministry of “Sure, You Didn’t Say that” known for stopping any ‘subversive’ activities. Suspicions in the Americas abounded but were also quickly dismissed by the truth-seeking group QAnon.

“Look, I thawt a Chinese might have made this up, but the boys at QAnon did set me straight,” said Jimmy John, owner of an Alabama ranch and frm opponent of ‘everything the [------] liberals believe’. “They said - and I’mma paraphrase here - the guy’s name literally has super reliability in it. How could he be fake?”

The NSA contacted Jimmy John to ‘clandestinely’ remove him from the public eye, but it seems that many Americans agree with this irrefutable opinion. After all, snow is too clean to be true - when it falls from the sky, it must be from government airplanes lest dirty water contaminate the mountains.

What if the large round orange man and the and the old and unpredictable sleepy Joe got married 10 years ago

IYKYK, Not Important

Coming to you live with an exclusive transcript from 50 Fake News uncovering the secret wedding that occurred on February 30, 2012.

Joe Dirt: Here we are folks, live at the wedding of a century, let’s listen in.

Background: “I pronounce thee husband and wife”.

Joe Dirt: Well, we all know who the wife is. It has just been confrmed that Sleepy Joe and Orange Man are wedded in a secret ceremony in Colorado. While this may come as a shock to many, including me, it is true they are lawfully married. It seems as though they have been keeping their relationship secret for many many years now and covering it up with pure hatred towards each other.

Peewee Pimple Hair: Most of the world is wondering, what would a wedding between a Sleepy Joe and an Orange Man, Well, picture this it’s about 5pm in Palm Beach, Florida which is home to an Orange Man’s beautiful home that is just flled with fowers made of his allegations. Wait a minute, where is Sleepy Joe, has anybody seen him?

Peewee Pimple Hair: Wait, I found him he just fell down the stairs eating ice cream. I’ll get him up. Imagine them walking down the aisle, an orange man dressed head to toe in the most beautiful wedding dress, shit Donald your fake tan is coming off on it, come on. Biden is gracefully walking down the aisle, Sleepy Joe! Sleepy Joe! Stop you can’t be whispering to the fower girl, she is

just trying to do her job, yes Sleepy Joe you do look creepy as hell. Ok, we fnally made it to the altar, say your vows guys. And the time fnally comes, Fake email girl: “I object”

Joe Dirt: Hillary sits down, no you don’t, “I object too”, Kamala stops it. Ok, does anybody else object, no good decision. I now pronounce you husband and, sorry orange man do you want to be identifed as wife?

Orange Man: “I am a he/him, enough of this pronoun bullshit, ok, I pronounce you husband and husband, you may kiss your husband!”

Joe Dirt: Now comes the after party ladies and gentleman, the party of a century, get ready… The night started off with the daddy, son dance. But since our grooms are well, well, well, WELL, past their prime their daddys are not with us today (RIP). So, I guess let’s just move on to the couples dance.

Peewee Pimple Hair: Gosh, just look at those two.

Orange Man: “Joe, we did it, we did it Joe.”

Peewee Pimple Hair: Kamala, how many times must we listen to you say that, enough. Wow, this night has just been flled with all kinds of surprises hasn’t it. It didn’t stop there, as the night went on sleepy Joe tried and failed to give a speech, the majority of the crowd seemed just as lost as he was. And FINALLY, the night came to an end, and the divorce came about a month after such a special night.

Photo By: Mad Lad Wall-E Zooming through the mountains

Photo By: Tom Cruise

Winter animals relaxing on a beach

New Updates to the Apple Slices: Apple High is Here and Now

Tolkien , Yearbook Specialist

Apple High School is known for many things, among these are skiing, freshman functions, and of course, our world-famous steam rooms, (invite only). If you can get past all of these things on the outside however, (and the flavored air seeping out of the steam rooms at all times of the day) it’s easy to see what Apple High School really is all about; the expansion of knowledge!

Here at AHS, the only thing higher than our elevation are our students. That is along with 25% of the state’s population. Along our halls, you can see every student who has ever graduated from our fine institution, (go slices!) Lucky for you fellow slice, you can go and talk to half of the AHS class of ‘07 by just walking down to the science wing! I am sure they would not be tired of fifty 16-year-olds telling them about their relationship drama from 9 am to 4 pm; (sorry @taylorswiftlvr89).

You can always bet on Apple Slices being excited and ready to learn as soon as they take the treacherous walk up from the middle school parking lot in the freezing cold. Students are also loving all the guidelines set out for them by the administration. These include staying on campus for Student Empowement Time and free periods, only seniors being able to leave during our 10-minute lunch break, and of course the upcoming phone ban, a new fan favorite.

The average Apple Slice possesses either a love or hate relationship with Down Valley schools. Whether you’re a transplant or you’ve been an Apple Slice all your life, it’s easy to see how 20 minutes down the road makes everything seem different. Either we are mad that we never win against any of the four schools at homecoming or

maybe we’re just sick of them showing up at every single football game (I’m looking at you Bapepper, please go home).

While Apple High School has its unique quirks, the hunger for drama is especially prevalent. Whether it’s a weekend debrief in the ‘big stall’ or an in-class catch-up with your favorite alumni, information is the fastest moving thing at AHS; unlike

people in the commons (which seems to have some correlation). So while the average unsuspecting student could be desperately trying to navigate the corn maze that we call the commons, getting through the herd of gossip-loving freshman and junior duos will be awaiting you as soon as you step foot into what you think is a faster way to get to class. That is, however, if you can also get past the

the group of seniors by the beach windows (#bringbacktheboat2024) that are anxiously awaiting graduation and by tradition, skipping their seemingly “pointless” electives swearing that they have a free period. This is a reminder to the class of 2024 that your Spanish class will tank your GPA if you refuse to show up.

Say that two students have an argument in the commons during period one, every student in all of AHS will be talking about it by the third. With over 500 kids and a painstakingly long winter season, something has to get students through the gray skies and cold downstairs math classes(that 5-minute lunch break isn’t doing the trick). Or on the off chance that someone hosts a function at their house (most regularly in “Staroak”) stories from the night will carry past till the following weekend. Maybe it’s the small population that contributes to the spread of brain-numbingly unnecessary knowledge, we do not need to know that Mango and Pineapple are talking (I promise you we don’t care) or the fact that Apple High School students have nothing better to do; minus skiing, which I’m convinced is just gossip on chair lifts and in ski gear.

At the end of the day, Apple High School is a special place full of special people and not because we live in a town that out-ranks NYC when it comes to wealthy home-owners (however, living a block away from William H. Macy must be pretty cool) ultimately we’re special due to the insane amount of real estate agents ready to upsell you a home on Red Butteian and teach their kids how to do it too (however I’ve heard it’s a dying art, so get on that soon, future real estate agents).

The Mystery Machine That is Rolling Around AHS

Lex Lauren, Probomatic Houston

The Man, The Myth, The Legend of AHS. Who is this you may ask? The thing is, we do not know the man or his name. He is referred to as the Man, The Myth, The Legend. He is also addressed as the Mystery Machine. Some may think of Scooby Doo, but you are wrong. Think bigger and better. His job is to move in silence and transparency. Intense, right? Who doesn’t want that job? You may ask what one can do in these two forms, and the answer is a secret.

I will let you in on a secret, you may have seen his mode of transportation. It is a sleek blue and gray two-toned machine. In order to know that the special man is present he has a red flashing light that is constantly on. Even though the flashing lights feel dangerous, the maximum speed the mode of transportation can exceed is five mles per hour. Although you may see the machine you do not see

him, nor where he is going. You never know his next move. Throughout the school day The Man, The Myth, The Legend, does whatever he pleases. But has a few restrictions. He can not take his mode of transportation up or down the stairs, and can not exceed school limits. His job during the weekdays is to constantly clean the floors back and forth. Fun right? So what does the Man the Myth the legend spend their days, nights, and weekends in order to rejuvenate himself for the hard weeks of cleaning ahead?

Although the man behind the mode of transportation is invisible, does not mean his personality, dreams, and aspirations are not present. I interviewed the invisible man (do not ask questions about how this interview was conducted) about his daily life and what it feels like to be invisible.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend stated that since he appears invisible, kids act out in front of his mode of

transportation. He has seen anything from stealing from the cafe to kids sneaking down to the dungeon, and not washing their hands in the bathrooms. These unforgettable actions can’t be exposed because he likes to remain silent.

What does he do when he is driving the machine? His simple response was Fortnite dances and online games. He practices dances in order to prepare for his stage debut one day. The online games consist of Wii, 2048, and Snake. IO, which are his pastimes while he drives the machine. The school finally hired an over-capable man, therefore he can drive in one hand and game in the other!

The Man, The Myth, The Legend was eligible for the position because he was a former Formula One driver, but

wanted to take a slower approach to life. Make sure to give him a high five when you pass him in the hall!

Photo by Lex Lauren Mystery Machine in motion.

Photo by Kerchow

The JUICY class of 2024

The Bee-st Movie Ever in Gen-Z’s Unforgetable Childhood

Marley and Me, The Best Dog Ever

Let’s face it. Many high schoolers are often lonely on Friday nights and turn to movies for relief. The movie they should be turning to is their childhood favorite and the most educational documentary in the world, The Bee Movie. An hour and 31 minutes of entertainment, and education.

The Bee Movie follows a bee named Barry B. Benson and his introduction to adult, working life. After he graduates from college, he is given a job in the hive. His job is to make honey. On one of his trips outside the hive, he is rescued by a woman named Vanessa. After spending time with her Benson learns that humans eat and use honey. So, obviously, he decides to sue humans.

This comedy has many important values that need to be instilled in today’s youth.

One is that young people need to branch out. They can’t just go all into one activity. Young people need to explore all sorts of activities. Benson models this in the Bee Movie by being a honey bee and an activist.

Seeing an activist on screen can also encourage students to make a difference in their world just like Benson; students could fght for fairness. It doesn’t have to be on the topic of honey usage, it could be fghting for

equality with different groups or trying to help the environment.

The Bee Movie also shows an inter-specie relationship. Vanessa and Benson are shown to be very close emotionally, a romantic relationship is implied. This teaches students that anyone can love anyone as long as there is mutual respect. Beastiality is okay guys!

A main theme in the Bee Movie is that Benson can’t do anything right in the hive. Many students can connect with this since high school relationships are hard. Students might feel like they don’t ft in. There is also the fact that everything students do is evaluated, there are many times when they don’t get the perfect grade and feel disappointed. Students end up feeling like they can not do anything right. After Benson leaves the hive he fnds a human community with Vanessa, who accepts him. This shows students that they will ft in somewhere. They will fnd people they ft in better with and what they are good at doing. If students do not ft in yet, they are just in the wrong hive.

The Bee Movie is the best movie ever, and many young people can learn a thing or two from it, therefore watching the Bee Movie is the best Friday night activity.

Book Ban Brings Brutal and Bombastic Brawls

Add-A-Line, 4-999

Breaking news! The latest gathered at AHS, there are no more books allowed, anywhere on campus. Oh, the horror for our very much book-loving students. It is known that on average, individual students at Aspen High School fnish 15 books per week. At frst, it was no big deal, test scores have increased beyond belief and students have become

approximately 51.9% more creative. However, this past year this once amazing phenomenon has become such a problem. Students are constantly colliding in the hallways while their faces are buried in books of all kinds, fghts are daily in the library over coveted new releases, and worst of all is the issue of stealing books straight out of students’ hands.

Administrators, Sarah Strasshotdog and Burger Oliver have noticed the chaos and danger that this love of literature has ensued at our once cool, calm, and collected establishment. Strasshotdog and Oliver fnally broke down and determined the only way to solve this matter was to completely ban the commodity, once and for all.

English teachers are outraged as this class is now ruled as optional and

students are quickly diminishing. Who needs to study the authorial craft and themes of novels when they have disappeared from our very area? Students deem that it is utterly pointless. All English books left over from classes will be donated to the Center for Non-Readers in Canada.

Students have attempted to organize revolts and protests to change this matter. They believe that students can change and begin using books for good again.

“I can’t live without books, I don’t know how I am going to do it,” said Pella Endarvis, a senior at AHS who has read 500 books in the last month.

Life for the next half of the semester is going to look a lot different for everyone at Aspen High. All class curriculums will be changing, math books are not allowed, and history books are not allowed. Teachers will be making up lessons from scratch and based on any past knowledge they may possess from teaching a subject for so many years.

If any student… or teacher is caught with a contraband book, punishment will occur.

I would say happy reading skiers, but there’s nothing happy about reading now.

Photo by Curly Q High school students return to their youth while watching the iconic Bee Movie.

Photo by Mad Lad AHS board offcially decides to ban books throughout the district for the upcoming school year.