The Corona Times - Satire News 2020

THE CORONA TIMES

Established 2020, Aspen, CO

ISSUE 5

ASPEN HIGH SCHOOL

INSIDE Wash your hands More supplies Don’t go out We’re all gonna die

Pg 2 Pg 5 Pg 8 Pg 12

APRIL FOOLS’

Knife fight at City Market over toilet paper

Photo by Crystal Lover Disturbing crime scene in aisle 3 at Aspen City Market on March 15.

Crystal Lover, Staff Hippie

On March 15 a gruesome knife fight occured at the Aspen City Market over the last pack of Charmin ultra soft toilet paper. The conflict spurred when two shoppers both reached for the toilet paper, but could not agree on who could buy it. It escalated when surrounding bystanders surrounded the pair and began chanting, “KILL! KILL!” According to court documents filed by the Aspen Police Department, the two suspects, Sammy Panic and Johanna Overreaction, are being charged with attempted assault.

Sammy Panic, an Aspen local, is currently unemployed and believes that he deserved the toilet paper.

“Here’s the truth,” Panic said, “This Coronavirus is the end of the world.

I have been stocking up on enough supplies to support me and my two cats for a year. My needs are more important than anyone else’s.”

The two suspects were supposed to face the Pitkin County District Court next week, however, due to social distancing policies, their court date will be pushed to June 2021.

Johanna Overreaction, an Italian tourist,

similarly believes that she deserved the toilet paper.

“These greedy little Aspenites. I needed that toilet paper for my mansion on Red Mountain, we have an outdoor pool by the way. I’m going home tomorrow but I can’t bear the thought of coming back for my Christmas vacation and only having my current supply of 250 rolls. I might have to buy *gasp* one ply toilet paper from Amazon,” Overreaction said.

The police were called shortly after the conflict began, but arrived too late due to the parking shortage at City Mar-

ket. By the time the Sheriff entered the store, the pair had stabbed each other multiple times.

“I have never seen anything like this,” the Sheriff said, “Aspen prides itself on its safety and supportive community atmosphere, but COVID-19 is destroying us.”

Neither Panic nor Overreaction ended up buying the toilet paper, but it was later discovered that another customer purchased the blood stained toilet paper anyways. There’s currently no more toilet paper left at City Market.

A note from the editors: The COVID-19 situtation is a serious matter and effects many people’s lives, but its great material so we’re going with it.

YAY SATIRE EDITION!! #NoHate #We’reAllInThisTogether #ButNotReally #EveryManForHimself

NEWS Donald Trump and Boris Johnson caught in love affair, Putin left devastated CORONA

April Fools’

StelMcDonalds, Writer Staff

While Wikileaks investigators were initially looking for incriminating evidence between Drumpt and Russian contacts, what they ended up finding was a love affair with non other than Horace Lawson - Prime Minister of England, sexiest man of the year, and all around dreamboat. Maria Wheeker, Lawson’s husband, has since filed for divorce since the scandal broke.

Lawson’s approval ratings have tanked since being caught as a cheater, and he spoke to Parliament yesterday to defend himself.

“Did Ronald tenderly stroke my face as we jet skied at Mar a Lago? Yes. Did I love the feeling of falling in love with an incredible, fleshy man? Yes. Did I savor spending British and American tax dollars on an extravagant and secret get-away from our stressful lives? AbDonald Trump and Horace Lawson at Mar a Lago. solutely. And I will have you fine gensaid. tlemen, and the rest of the world know, The President released an official stateI am not ashamed of who I am. You have ment yesterday on twitter: “No homo.” all outed me, but I refuse to live in fear Soon after Lawson made his stateno longer. It is 2020, and I am proudly ment to Parliament, Vladimir Rasputin in love with Ronald J. Drumpt,” Lawson

School Administration says, “Just Not Think About It” in Regards to AHS’ Heating and Cooling System

Photo Courtesy of Popcorn Students brave the cold with hats and scarves duirng class.

Olivia Stanford, Guest Writer

After the first snowfall, local high school students began to notice the lack of a proper HVAC system in the school.

In an interview with the school administration when the topic of heating and cooling in the school came up Aspen High School’s Principal Tearin’ Blueberry took a passive approach.

“I don’t know why the teachers and students complain so much. My office is the perfect temperature,” Blueberry commented.

The Burgermeister, Vice Principal at AHS, feels that heating should not be the

main issue at school.

“Students should be focused on the content they are learning- not their general comfort- when they’re in school.

Maybe their complaining is actually due to a lack of brain cells from vaping all the time,” The Burgermiester said.

After a short discussion, the administration agreed that the solution to this “issue” is for students to “just not think about it”. If they feel too hot or too cold they should consider taking a mindful minute or doing a breathing exercise they learned from the SEE curriculum.

PAGE 2

“I have never shed a tear in my life,” Rasputin claimed this morning in a press release, “My heart is made from steel and war crimes,” The LGBT community is conflicted about whether or not to celebrate the first gay prime minister and president.

Lawson and Drumpt have made transphobic and homophobic remarks in the past - although that may have been out of internalized homophobia.

Twitter user @beansafterdark, a popular “twitter memer”, said, “Why does trump hate minorities when he is one *x files theme*.” @chadmctamney, fratboy expert, said, “the media is saying Drumpt and Horace Lawson are gay for each other, but no one has asked if they were wearing socks. It’s not gay if ur wearing socks??”

Photo courtesy of StelMcDonalds @butterflues an LGBT advocate and fetishizer, said, “honestly isn’t it kinda was seen leaving the Kremlin in tears. cute that we have two presidents gay Despite photos of Rasputin wearing for each other? I think it’s cute.” sweatpants and holding shopping bags @B0ringe0, probably a Russian bot full of ice cream and face masks, Raspu- said, “can we please go back to hating tin denies it was him in the photos.

Drumpt please? Please.”

TikTok found more addictive than nicotine

Boffman, Profesional Fisherman

Following a recent study done by the Federal Drug Association, the social media app “TikTok” has proven to be more addictive than Juul.

Tiktok is a social media app where users post videos of them lipsyncing, dancing, and doing skits. Juul, an e-cigarette device, is also popular among teenagers.

The FDA has been doing surveys to test whether Tiktok needs to be regulated as well. Teenagers are beginning to fry their brains by being encompassed in the world of these short videos.

Ronald Harris, the president of the FDA, has since spoken about the negative effects of using Tiktok regularly.

“I’m not surprised that teens are now addicted to a new substance. It’s like the new Juul. Teenagers are abusing a social media app. They don’t talk to anyone anymore. They stay engrossed on Tiktok, making stupid videos,” Harris said.

The president of the United States, Drumpt, is calling Tiktok a pandemic.

Social media users are livid at the president and are planning to storm the White House if Drumpt bans Tiktok for teens.

Drumpt is hoping that the citizens will settle down and come to their senses.

“Uh, ya know, it’s just an app. It’s a HUGE app. We gotta ban it because teenagers deserve to be happy and healthy. Their mental health is important.

These kids are well addicted to the app and continue to make lousy videos of

themselves. It’s kind of conceited. We have to ban Tiktok before we establish gun laws,” Drumpt said.

Drumpt is planning to sign a bill on April 17th, making Tiktok illegal for people under the age of 21. Avid users of Tiktok believe that this bill is a violation of the first amendment rights and are protesting Cheeto 45’s policies. Most of these protesters are teens, but also include parents who actively use the app.

Social media influencer and Tiktok star Harli D’Angelo is planning to lead protests this Saturday outside of the White House. D’Angelo has a following of about 32.5 million.

“I am pissed. Tiktok is my favorite app and I am famous on it. You can’t take my fame away from me. It’s all I have. I also get paid to post on TikTok. At 15 years old, it’s my only source of income. You can’t do this to me! I demand justice!”

D’Angelo said.

D’Angelo’s opinion is very different from many Drumpt supporters. Missy Shrump, a Drumpt supporter and one of the organizers of his campaign, believes that Drumpt made an amazing decision banning Tiktok from app stores.

“I really do love what Drumpt is going to do. He has really made a difference and I can even see my kids performing better in school. I am so blessed to have a president that cares about our children.

MAGA!” Shrump said.

April Fools’

CORONA

NEWS

PAGE 3

CAVOID-19: steer clear it’s here

660 Spellings, Maybe an Editor?

With COVID-19, or coronavirus, spreading rapidly throughout the U.S, many have taken extreme measures to avoid contracting the virus.

The novel coronavirus is a respiratory illness that has infected over 115,800 people and killed over 4,200 worldwide. Many U.S citizens are alarmed by the surge of coronavirus cases in the United States. Reportedly, there have been approximately one thousand confirmed cases in the U.S, and the spreading of the disease shows no signs of stopping, which leaves the public to take precautions to combat infection.

While some wear medical masks to prevent contamination, Doom Sayer, an 83-year-old woman and Aspen resident, wears a full-body hazmat suit as a caution against the Ellen Musk, Al Titude, Dr. Sara Handsberry, and Doom Sayer’s attempt to avoid contracting the Coronavirus. deadly disease.

“You can never be too careful, the virus. especially at my age. My biggest fear “Y’all need to get on my level. I’m is that a teen will contract the virus and gonna be chilling while everyone else WoahKinney, grammar enthusiast purposely infect me. That’ll they cough is dying. Sucks to suck,” Ringe stated Readers may know the catchy tune in my direction while yelling ‘DIE while suppressing a phlegmy cough.

by Billie Eilish, “Bad Guy,” as it won BOOMER,’” Sayer said, panic visible Billionaire, Ellen Musk and the rest countless Grammy’s during the summer in her cataract ridden eyes. of the top one percent have decided to of 2019. However, some have argued Al Titude, a man from Los Angeles, embark on a two-year expedition to that an up-and-coming artist, Screed, is California, migrated deep into the Mars, determined to colonize the planet threatening to give this song a new and mountains to isolate himself from the and create a new civilization. even better legacy. virus after a traumatic experience at his “I’m jumping ship; this planet is a Screed, a history local grocery store. lost cause, and I’m not waiting for it to teacher by day, got his “When I was at the store, I saw a take me down with it,” Musk said. big break on the Nowoman sneeze into her hand and wipe Public Health Official, Dr. Sara vember 6th broadcast it on the produce,” Titude said. “Here, Handsberry, opted for medical ampuof Skier TV. When it’s just me and the mountains, no one tations of her left and right hands after asked by the host, Suselse to spread anything. I’m never repeatedly touching her face during a man, to perform Mongoing back. ” public health service announcement. golian Throat YodelFlorida man, Sir Ringe III, flexed his “I just couldn’t resist touching my ling, Screed shocked the staff and students superior intellect by slowly injecting face. Simple problems require simple of AHS with the sheer himself with strains of COVID-19 in solutions,” Handsberry stated. impressiveness of hopes of building up an immunity to this hidden talent. His Screed’s album cover. yodeling preformance went viral. Student Will Getabiginheritance’s father heard the clip, and as CEO of a famous record label, was able to sign about the Coronavirus. Maybe some of Kayla Teriyaki, Staff Scooba Diver Screed for a 2-year contract, allowing them will come back with it, so that we The AHS staff has recently announced Screed to be paid entirely in rats and can research it further here!” Blueberry that, starting next year, there will be a different types of tea. The contract allows said. new Ex Ed course going to Wuhan, Chifor Screed to still spend time investigatGretchdog is not excited about having na, where the Coronavirus was first seen. ing history and running the strategy club, to run this trip. She teaches World GeogThe trip will be for seven days, during as long as he “produces some bangers.” raphy at AHS, but this is the one place which Gretchdog and a group of sevenOne of these required “bangers” in she never wanted to go visit. students will go to Wuhan, China to progress is a cover of “Bad Guy.” Screed “I never wanted to do this. I would study the Coronavirus and will speak to spoke on how he chose this song for a never even think about going to Wuhan. people with it. They will also visit hosMongolian-style remake.

I was forced into this. I don’t want any pitals and people in isolated quarantine.

“I usually listen to 80s techno music in The administration expects this trip to be of the nasty germs I’m going to get from my free time, but someone else already this trip,” Gretchdog complained. very popular because of the new experithroat yodeled to that- I would highly Noah Commonsense is a super senior ences regarding the coronavirus, or even recommend you give it a listen. I started as a result of failing Basic Cooking twice the coronavirus itself, that they will gain looking for inspiration, and where better in a row. He is very excited to go on from the trip. to find that then in high schoolers who another Ex Ed, and appreciates this new Tearin’ Blueberry, AHS principal, think they’re unique because they listen thinks this will be an amazing opportuni- opportunity in his fifth year. to Billie Eilish. “Bad Guy” had such a “Yo, this trip is gonna be so dope. If ty, and he hopes that students will come good beat; I knew I could yodel some I get Coronavirus and come back to the back with new insight as to what the “sick” bars over it,” Screed said.

US with it, I won’t have to go to school,” Coronavirus is.

The remake was a hit and quickly rose Commonsense said.

“I hope that the students learn a lot to the top of the Billboard 100. Music

Photo by 660 Spellings

Screed Gets Record Deal

ExEd trip to Wuhan

critics across the globe loved the fresh sound yodeling brought to the music realm while keeping it hip and depressed.

Among these critics was the music group Old Peasants.

“We aren’t like other music groups; we listen to things like Wanye Kest and Big Vzi Uert. Because of our extensive knowledge of music, we are comfortable in saying that Screed’s single evokes emotions, unlike anything we have ever felt before. And, he’s going platinum with no features?! Crazy…,” Old Peasants commented.

Photo by your mom CEO Getabiginheritance hopes that Screed will be able to tour and perform this platinum single, as it is outlined in his contract.

“We are having a hard time developing costumes for stage performances, as Screed seems to prefer khakis to J Lo’s Superbowl outfit, but we are working on it. He also wants to train all audiences to respond “peachy” when asked how they’re feeling. While that sounds challenging, we are willing to do whatever we can to get Screed on tour,” Getabiginheritance said.

Even with all this going on, Screed is staying humble to his roots and looking towards the future.

“My goal for the future is to complete world domination, but if that gets too hard, maybe I’ll cover TaySwizzle instead,” Screed commented. *The Skier Scribbler reached out to Billie Ellish for a comment, and were informed Ellish has gone into hiding out of fear of“Screed’s remaking powers being too great.*

April Fools’

CORONA

NEWS

Page 4

Trump respects women Gun Girl turned socialist Boffman, Professional Fisherman

Following a recent interview with Fake News, Drumpt has come clean about his respect for women. The White House is now skeptical of Trump’s motives and why it took him so long to admit his love for the female kind. Trump’s previous allegations against him have been dropped, and Trump is now seen as a free man.

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, a representative from New York, is proud of Trump and his newfound love for women.

“It’s truly amazing to see our president changing for the good. He’s always been an amazing man, but his love of women has made me obsessed with him. I can’t wait to see his new policies that promote equality for all. MAGA!” Ocasio-Cortez said.

Ocasio-Cortez isn’t the only one supporting President Trump now. Feel the Bern, a runner for the Democratic nomination, is now dropping out to support the Trump campaign. Trump is ecstatic and will be giving Feel the Bern the opportunity to be running with him for Vice-President.

“I am very excited to announce that I will be running with Drumpt for the 2020 election. I know that many people are saddened to see me go from the democratic party. But now that Trump respects women, I can’t miss the opportunity to run and win the election,” Feel the Bern said.

Following Feel the Bern’s announcement about running with Drumpt, Drumpt was seen attending the annual Women’s March in Washington D.C. He was sporting the infamous feline hat, which many supporters have worn while attending the Women’s March. Trump has received zero backlash from the members of the Women’s March. He is now only receiving love and the nation is no longer divided.

“It’s huge. It’s HUGE. And I honestly have to say the Women’s March has gotten so much bigger because of my involvement. I’m very proud to call myself a feminist. It’s just so great. I want China, North Korea, and other countries to see how great women are. This is feminist power!” Trump said.

Photo courtesy of Ivanka Trump Trump gives women free plane rides out of his devotion and respect for them.

Photo by Ava Strawberry Katie Bonnet as she struts her complementary diapers on March 2, 2020.

Ava Strawberry, Amateur

Recently, the 2020 Presidential Candidate, Feel the Bern, has added the push for free adult diapers to his political agenda. As a 78-year-old man, Bern has come to know just how useful and necessary adult diapers can be, especially for America’s geriatric population. Bern’s movement seems unnecessary to many, but has gained him a lot of traction with voters aged 70 and up, and surprisingly radical conservatives.

Bennett, commonly referred to as ‘Poopy Pants’ has suffered the constant embarrassment of pooping her pants in her 20s. As you may know, Bennett has much concern surrounding public restrooms, despite her dismissal of their use. Free diapers would allow Bennett to soil herself, without the social-emotional toll this has taken on her in the past.

“The first time I s@$t my pants, the restroom was occupied by a trans person, and it was my last resort. I enjoyed it; however, I believe being bullied by my peers has caused my trans and homopho-

bia,” Bennett said.

Alex Smithsonian, a previous interviewee of Bennet was harassed by her for being an ally. When asked if transitioning persons should be allowed to use any restroom, he responded: “People should be allowed to use the restroom they identify with,” Smith said.

Following this comment, Bennet began a one-side argument bashing Smith and the LGBTQ+ community. Weeks later, Bonnett has realized socialist policies, such as free diapers, largely benefit radical conservatives and may even create a more tolerant America.

“I believe if I became accepted by peers I would no longer resent members of the LGBTQ+ community,” Bennett added, “It was just easier for me to generalize and blame a group of people than to accept personal responsibility.”

As Bern saw a spike in his poll numbers following his policy changes, he took to twitter to comment.

“I am once again asking for your financial support,” Bern commented.

Exlusive insight into the secrets behind Trump’s makeup 660 Spellings, Staff Chef

Since the beginning of his 2016 presidential campaign, the public and the media have been baffled at Ronald Drumpf’s flawless complexion and groundbreaking makeup techniques.

Many speculate that he is blessed with the gift of beauty from the gods. However, the real magic lies in Drumpf’s Makeup artist: Clemintine Norange.

Norange, a former intern on the show “The Apprentice”, took on the task of being Drumpfs’ makeup artist in 2016.

Since she has worked countless hours completing the rigorous four-hour process of Drumpf’s makeup routine.

Every morning she wakes up at 5: 30 am to start applying 25 layers of spray tan onto Drumpf’s. The first three layers of spray tan are to object the first, second, and third articles in the constitution, while the other 22 are in protest of the 22nd amendment.

“Sometimes when I’m rubbing in the 25th layer of spray tan onto his leathery, saturated face, I imagine I’m kneading

wet dough or that I’m lying in a mahogany coffin- depends on the day,” Norange stated while shedding a single tear.

Drumpf additionally requests that Norange does not put the spray round his eyes, so that he can appeal to white supremacists. Many white supremacy groups were enraged to have an orange person running the country and threatened to cease their support for Drumpf.

When responding to a hate comment on Twitter about his pale under eyes, Ronald Drumpf, tweeted, “I gotta please my people.”

Norange recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome as a result of copiously flicking her wrist while reapplying Drumpf’s waterproof mascara throughout the day.

“I use the strongest, most water-resistant mascara so Drumpf can cry at the mean tweets he receives. But he always somehow manages to cry it all off. I can’t keep up,” Norange said.

Despite the other grueling tasks, Norange believes that the final step in

Photo courtesy of Norange The wind blows to expose Trump’s makeup line.

Drumpf’s makeup routine is the worst part as she spends three hours gluing down Drumpf’s infamous Tupae made from the most exquisite hair known to man: Drumpf’s back and chest hair.

“Money makes you do unspeakable things. I don’t think I will ever recover from the emotional and psychological damage of this process. How he man-

ages to have that much chest and back hair waiting for me each day will always leave a deeply rooted seed of unsettlement in the pit of my stomach,” Norange said. “I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. Luckily he’s [Drumpf] is always in front of them blocking my view.”

April Fools’

CORONA

NEWS

PAGE 5

Students send smoke signals with Juul Ellis Island, Staff Jack A$$

The new cell phone policy created by the AHS administration has swept through every class in the high school this year. Phone pockets have been placed at the back of each classroom for students to put their personal devices in from the start to end of the class period. The goal of the phone pockets is to make sure students aren’t using their phones to text each other to go Juul in the bathrooms during class. Only days after this new rule was created, students began seeing massive amounts of smoke coming from the hallways, classrooms, and of course, the bathrooms.

This idea, (phone pockets) although intended to be a solution, has led to even more problems with Juuling at AHS. The source and reason for these seemingly patterned smoke bursts was unknown.

To get to the bottom of this smokey situation, the administration conducted a series of interrogations of known “juulers” in the high school to try to find answers before this problem grew out of control.

“Yeah, the Burgermeister called me

Photo courtesy of APD A vape smoke signal seen in class at AHS.

out of biology to come down to the office. Immediately I knew why as soon as I walked through the normally smelly science wing, and the stench was replaced with a crisp minty smell.

She interrogated me for about an hour.

I don’t know why, to be honest; I’ve been clean for a few days now. She seemed frustrated when she couldn’t get

anything information out of me,” Porter Pod, an AHS senior, said.

Although some interrogations were unsuccessful, the administration soon uncovered the truth about the masses of smoke that have taken over AHS. “We believe students have started se nding “smoke signals” to their peers to communicate when they are in the

bathroom, so they can share a Juul or talk. This kind of behavior is unacceptable and is creating even more distractions than when students just had their phones. Due to the fact that we don’t yet have the expertise to decode these messages, any and all students seen around or in the smoke clouds will be considered a participant in this problem and will be punished accordingly,” AHS Admins explained in a parent letter sent to the whole school.

An anonymous AHS student came forward with details about the various codes sent by students Juul clouds.

“Basically, different flavors belong to different groups; then from there, you have different types of signals. There are people who use the traditional smoke signals based on historical ones like Native American smoke signals or some use their own new “language” to be even more secretive. It’s quite complicated, to be honest. I don’t think the administration will be able to crack it. Bringing phones back is pretty much the best solution to this problem in my opinion,” Anonymous said.

Toad becomes new sub Kids swallowing Airpods Soapy Grape, Fruit Enthusiest

Due to the recent shortage of substitute teachers, the administration has had to come up with creative solutions, most notably, Toad, the service dog of ASD, has become a substitute teacher.

While Toad has subbed for a variety of classes, due to the fact that he attended Pupcago University in Chicago, (where he majored in Latin languages with a minor in Spanish,) he prefers to sub for Spanish classes.

Due to his canine upbringing, he has to conduct his classes a little bit differently than a traditional sub would.

Instead of conducting attendance like a typical sub, he has his students tell him if they are present by giving him a belly rub.

Toad cannot use the sub-plans because they are in English, so he has to use an app called DogLingo, which translates any human language or text into dog language. With this app, he can read the sub- plans and then find a way to relay it to his students.

According to his handler at school, Becky Olive Oil, this is one of the hardest parts of Toad’s job.

“Toad has an app to translate his own sub plans, however, not many students have an app to translate dog language into English. This makes it very hard for Toad to communicate with his students, which makes him very frustrated,” Olive Oil stated.

The only way for Toad to communicate with students is by using that same app to translate what he wants to tell them in dog language to English.

The last requirement of his classes is an exit ticket. However, his exit tickets are not what you would normally expect from a substitute teacher. For his exit tickets, the students must make him roll over and then give him a treat.

Tharyn Mulberry, AHS principal, thinks Toaf is a great addition to the AHS faculty.

“Toad has won over the love of the students and grown into his role as a sub at AHS.”

Photo by Soapy Grape Toad teaching a class at AHS.

Photo courtesy of AVH An X-ray showing the ingested Airpod.

T-Gurtwoman, Staff Para-sailer

Following the Tide Pods fad of 2018, the latest, most popular snack among teenagers is Airpods. Unlike the juicy flavor of a Tide Pod, Airpods must be swallowed like a pill to absorb all of the sweetness. Chewing on the Airpod may result in tooth loss, although many claim the crunch is worth it.

Aspen High School student, Curious George, wanted an Airpod so badly during lunchtime he stole one out of Mames Telley’s ear.

“I chose the right ear because I knew the Airpod would have a sweeter taste.

A left Airpod is a little more bitter,” George said.

George wanted the Airpod fresh out of the ear because he believed the raw taste has the most health benefits.

“The ear wax left on the Airpod adds an extra hint of sweetness that just tops off the treat,” George said.

Parents are thrilled with the healthy

choices their teenagers are making.

Mother and founder of Poop, Patricia Paltrow, has come up with a variety of recipes parents can now make incorporating Airpods.

“My favorite is Airpod cauliflower pizza. Once I have shaped the cauliflower dough, I will sprinkle on Airpods rather than cheese to keep the pizza dairy-free.

Then, I top the pizza off with a pesto sauce,” Paltrow said.

Nutritionists across the nation have tested the chemical enzymes in the stomach to see if they react well with the magnetic field of the Airpod. These scientists discovered consumption leads to an explosion of happiness in your intestines. Nutritionist, Tracy Kale, is an advocate for eating one Airpod a day.

“If you swallow the Airpod with celery juice, it’s even better for your skin, body, and hair. An Apple Airpod a day keeps the doctor away!” Kale said.

April Fools’

CORONA

NEWS

PAGE 6

Students pour water on roundabout to get a snow day

The team wants to enter the NHL as the first team to have a roundabout as their Students at AHS have recently been home rink. taking extreme measures to ensure they “The ice is a little uneven, but it get the snow day they have been hoping doesn’t bother us because we are really for. An unforeseen consequence of these good skaters.

I think we can go profesactions, however, is that 50 innocent sional,” a member of the team said, as drivers died and the Maroon Creek Road one of his teammates collapsed on the flooded. This caused the road to turn to ground nearby after becoming uncondirt under the crushing weight of the wascious. ter that students poured on it in an Jerry Gerald, the director of roads attempt for school to be canceled. and transportation for the City On Monday, six students poured of Aspen, has been tasked with seven dump trucks full of water repairing the entire Maroon Creek onto the Maroon Creek Roundroad after it dissolved under the about, which froze overnight and nearly 2,000,000 gallons of water caused a sheet of ice over 3 feet the students poured on it. deep to cover the road. The students “The road is dust now; it looks reportedly stole the trucks from like someone just obliterated the the fire station and filled them with entire street,” said Gerald. He water from the river. The ice caused estimates that the repairs will cost over 900 car crashes and over 1000 the city up to $2,000,000. “We will drivers to be seriously injured. need to repair it before we have However, everyone AHS was exanother person die, or worse, we tremely grateful and happy for the get another D grade on the roundchance to not have to go to school.

Photo by Your Uncle about.”

Lucy Lala, who is visiting from AHS students and community members skate on the new ice rink above the Maroon Creek Roundabout.

Germany to ski in Aspen, is pressAxman, Staff Axman

ing charges against the students who caused the snow day.

“I scratched the windshield on my Tesla when I slid on the ice, and now I will have to drive my Maserati or Cadillac.

This is worse than the time I had to fly in my private jet without a hot tub in it,” said Lala, who feels that the students who poured the water on the road should

Hydro flasks sold at Cafe

so much easier. Students are leaving class to fill up their water bottles, but The students of Aspen High School little do they know that I know that those have an obsession with keeping their Hydro Flasks are the perfect hiding spot water cold. As one walks in the halls, for a Juul. Walking past the bathroom I one can hear the ice cubes in student’s can hear the faintest clamor of metal and waterbottle clagging around. The recent that’s my cue. ‘It’s just ice, Burgermeisparental concern regarding cold water ter,’ or ‘I swear I’m just getting a drink has resulted in the addition of Hydro of water.’ ‘Sure, sure,’ I respond and Flasks to the Cafe. Carrie Crazylady, tell them to open up their bottles. Every mother of Kurt Crazylady, was one of time, there it is. I’m 20 for 20 and I just the main reasons Hydro Flasks were keep catching them. I think they might added to the Cafe.

“I worry for my little Kurt; he is some- even consider changing my job title to Juul Catcher,” Burgermeister said. times so rushed in the morning that he Joe Whine, a student at AHS, has seen isn’t able to get his Hydro-lask. He will new problems with the Hydro-lasks call me later in being sold. the day and tell “When I me he had to walk in the drink from the hallway, all water fountain!

I can hear is You heard that the clanging right-the water from the fountain! This Hydro Flasks germ-filled hitting the warm water ground when fountain has afsomeone fected my little drops theirs. I boy from getPhoto courtesy of Your Dad can no longer ting all A’s! He Mister passes out Hydro Flask to students at AHS. find my own has come home water bottle because there are 50 other sick multiple times. I can’t pick him up, blue ones just like mine. I put a sticker though, because I go to the Bahamas on it to differentiate it from the others, every other week,” Crazylady said. but now everyone puts stickers on them The Hydro Flasks have made a big because it’s a trend. The Hydro Flask difference in Crazylady’s life “Since the hydro flasks have been sold has got to go; I can’t see any more girls buying one of every color and having to at the cafe, my Kurt gets all the fresh carry them all at once,” Whine said. cold water that he needs. He still has According to Sheron Mulfruit, the ice in his Hydro Flask when he goes to water bottles will be staying. play varsity soccer, and since he is the “I am loving Hydro Flasks being sold captain, he must be on his top game,” at the cafe. I have one of each color in Crazylady said. my office, and I am able to carry my The Burgermeister has found a new mint cholate chip frappuccino and have solution to catching students juuling due to the Hydro Flask being sold at the cafe. it be cold until the staff meeting later that day,” Mulfruit said.

“Catching students juuling has gotten Ava Thornbush, Staff Susman

be sued and sentenced to life in prison.

“I will never be able to get enough revenge for the damage,” Lala said.

The ice was so thick on the roundabout that people were even able to ice skate on it. A new hockey group, called Aspen Ice Road Hockey, has come together and plans to practice every morning on the sheet of ice that has formed on the road.

Seniors pleased with no school Gobigred96, Editor & Chief

March – Aspen, Colorado: The weather finally starts to warm, the long-awaited Spring sports seasons begin, and the increasingly unmotivated seniors eagerly await graduation. Having already been accepted into colleges, completing all local scholarship applications, and beginning to review for IB exams, the inevitable pandemic (haha oops) of senioritis sweeps over the seniors. PowerSchool notifications buzz with absences, incompletes, and tardies. With one, long, dreadful week separating students from Spring Break, AHS – and the country – received some terrific news!

Luckily for the class of 2020, they will no longer have to sacrifice their schooling for a few extra hours of sleep, the Powerschool notifications have stalled, and the disappointed comments of motivation from concerned teachers have halted. Positioned directly in the center of the elusive “second-semester senior year,” the COVID-19 outbreak transpired at the perfect time.

“Yeah, I’m stoked! Now we don’t have to put up with all the fun traditions and celebrations I’ve been waiting 12 years for,” AHS senior Sadboi Hrs said.

“After all, senior ditch day, prom, grad. parties, senior night, project graduation, rent-a-senior day, and graduation are all a bit excessive and unnecessary. I dedicate my 12 years of academic slavery at ASD to the grind. I don’t want any commemoration.”

This news is especially exciting to those seniors who play a Spring sport.

Before the incredible news of school cancellations was released, student-athletes were relieved to know that their Spring seasons were suspended until April 18th, as of now (CHSSA loves to tease), leaving just short of three weeks of the regular, 15-game season.

“The new updates from CHSAA have been very relieving. In the weeks leading up to the season, I was having trouble sleeping because I was so excited to captain my best friends and the team I love in one last season of the sport I love.

There was a lot of pressure to perform this season and finally clutch that State Championship we’ve come so close to for the past three years,” AHS senior, Lax Bro said. “Now, I can finally sleep peacefully, knowing I may never take the field again.”

However, nothing is finalized, and the senior class may be severely disappointed to soon learn that the school year and graduation are, in fact, not canceled.

They may return to their Spring sports seasons and everything may go back to normal. But, for now, although the ski mountains may be closed, the senior class would like to let everyone know that ‘we still skiin.’™ “I always wished for school to be canceled and classes to be over,” AHS senior, Itakeit Back said. “But I never thought my prayers would actually be answered!”

Photo Courtesy of Your Mom Congrats Class of Covid-19! You deserve it, no cap.

NEWS PowerSchool addiction becomes #1 cause of death in the U.S April Fools’

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Photo by 660 Spellings Power School addict, Nervous Nelly, getting her daily dose of Power School.

Axman, Staff Axman

PowerSchool, the software used at Aspen School district to manage records and grades online, has reportedly caused over 200 students to be hospitalized due to injuries from distractions caused by the app.

Students frequently open the app on their phones and computers to check the status of their grades, leading some to say they are “addicted”. The app has reportedly reloaded an average of 400 times a second per user, according to data released by the company. The desire to know about grades has caused many students to be rushed to the emergency room.

Nervous Nelly, a student at AHS, reportedly got a concussion after running into a wall while checking his grades.

“I had just opened PowerSchool, and then I ran into a wall. At least I got an

A,” Nelly said, adding that his friends also suffered injuries, such as a shattered toe, due to checking their grades.

Carries Toomuch, another AHS student, totaled his car while checking PowerSchool.

“I was just driving, and I wanted to see what [grade] I got on an assignment; then my car just went off the road and got wrecked,” McDonald said. “It’s okay though, I don’t really care about my car; It kind of means the same as like, a speck of dust or something to me, whereas PowerSchool is like the world or the universe, you know?”

Mack Studentsad, the current president of the College Board, encourages use of the app.

“Dedication and commitment are always qualities that colleges look for in their applicants, and the students need to prove that they are devoted to

their school work through their grades,” Doleman said, “And if that takes, you know, a broken bone or totaled car, then, so be it, That’s the kind of commitment we like to see.”

Preg Gorter, the founder of the app and website, announced Tuesday at a press conference that the company aims to have an average of 800 app-openings a minute by each user by 2025.

“It’s an ambitious goal, but I think we can make it,” he said, adding that the company will be adding new features, including twice a minute notifications that are unable to be turned off.

“We want students to be so worried that they will be on the app 30 hours a day, 8 days a week, every single second of every minute; they will be so stressed that their brains will explode,” he said, as security guards emerged to remove him from the stage.

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AHS teachers recieve raises T Gurt, Judd’s Sister

Recently, AHS teachers received a salary increase of one million dollars per year. A couple of weeks ago, for an unknown reason, forty teachers requested substitutes on the exact same day forcing most students to cram into one classroom while all independently trying to complete their work. Rumor has it that it was a strike for higher pay, which is exactly what teachers received. With this new raise, though, principal Tharyn Mulfruit and the Burgermeister are curious about what plans teachers have.

Joey Tzatziki, an Italian teacher at AHS, has big plans for the summer.

“Given my fluency in Italian, I think it would be nice to spend the summer in Italy. And while I’m there, I thought I’d bring back a little souvenir to my students. You know, something that lasts for about two weeks and spreads really quickly. Everyone can share it!” Tzatziki said.

Though Tzatziki’s souvenir idea is sweet, Mister had a really generous idea in mind too.

“I think I’ll donate all my money to the AHS cafe so that no student ever has to pay for banana bread or a muffin again!”

Mister said.

Some teachers don’t plan on returning to AHS, however, and would rather pursue their passions elsewhere.

Mono, for example, is planning on joining Gordon Ramsey and Guy Fieri for a special edition cooking competition.

The Sandman bought part of Amazon, while Carebear Smith will be taking over Apple. Wlexis Aight will be running for president, creating her own election time, and Bernadetti Spaghetti will be switching careers to become a bakery owner.

Needless to say, everyone is extremely happy for these teachers and are excited for their next steps in life. The question is, what is going to happen with all the students? Looks like they’ll be quarantined from the COVID-19 in the commons, but at least they’ll have free muffins! Thanks Mister!

Corridor Kids take over the commons in a ferocious battle T Gurt, Judd’s Sister

One of the many groups of AHS, the corridor kids, has been scheming up a plan to take over the commons during lunch. They created a clear-cut way to take down every clique, one by one.

First was the Freshman, the easiest bait to catch in the commons.

Freshman student, Cloud Tosna, noticed a group of corridor kids streaking in the hallway.

“I saw all of the corridor kids streaking in the hallway and I gathered all of the Freshman to join in. When we tried to get back into the commons, we couldn’t because the doors were all locked,” Tosna said.

Next up during the takedown was the Sweepers. AHS student, Juul God, was lured out of the commons by the corridor kid’s explicit plan.

“Some kid ran into the commons and said they were providing free Juul pods in the upstairs bathroom. The rest of the sweepers and I ran there as fast as we could,” God said.

The corridor kids claimed a little more planning went into evacuating the Chill Tribe. Each night, the Chill Tribe chooses coordinated outfits to wear to school.

A corridor member hijacked their phones the previous night and told each one of them a different outfit theme for the next day. Chill Tribe member, Chanel #1, ran

out of the commons crying when she realized her outfit did not match up with the rest of the tribe.

“We all walked into the commons and saw that our outfits didn’t match up.

None of us knew how this catastrophe occurred. I was wearing Louis Vuitton, and Chanel #2 was wearing Gucci; it was a disaster,” Chanel #1 said.

Since the Scooters didn’t eat lunch in the commons, the Day Whispers and the Ultimate Frisbee Boys were the next targets. Member of the Day Whisperers and Ultimate Frisbee Boys, Togan Fantaberg, was told the Skier Bus was outside, ready to take the boys to a barbershop to get matching mullets and notched

eyebrows.

“When I heard the bus was outside to take us to a barbershop, I had to get the boys immediately. Having the same haircut and notched eyebrows is extremely important for the team and our Day Whisperer’s Instagram account,” Fantaberg said.

Corridor kid at AHS, John Smith, was thrilled when he finally accomplished the commons takeover.

“All we wanted was to eat lunch in the commons without those other strange groups. Our mission was successful, and now the commons is ours!” Smith said.

NEWS SEE curriculum helps students emotionally April Fools’

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PAGE 8

plement the curriculum into the typical as concerned about meeting the unrealfalling. When asked after the most recent Since its implementation in the 2018instruction day. istic standards we have set for them,” SEE lesson what emotion they were ex2019 school year, the SEE curriculum “I really value the methods this curOldman said. periencing, 89% of high school students has helped hundreds of students across riculum provides to students regarding She was also very quick to add that if reported feeling more “genuine confuAHS. Some even say it has sion” than “stress”. changed their lives entirely.

Ian Stressed was one of The SEE curriculum, SEE the students who participatstanding for social, emotioned in the most recent SEE al, and ethical, was created lesson, where students were by the Dalai Alpacca to help taught how to imitate the students with their feelings voice of Forgan Mreeman through lessons taught narrating their lives in by exceedingly certified an attempt to quell their teachers. The lessons contain anxiety. coping strategies for stu“I can no longer be dents when they are feelstressed about anything; I ing overwhelmed, such as have too many questions. sprinting to catch a bus you How did they turn the must make, performing brain Burgermiester into Forgan surgery, or debating a local Mreeman? Why is it that climate change disbeliever.

I can only handle going Frank ItTilYouMakeIt to English class if I do the is a senior at AHS and is Mreeman voice the whole constantly stressed over time? Why does my life completing to IB diploma, sound lame even when it’s applying to college, and being narrated?” Stressed making his way to class by questioned.

8:02 am.

As students at AHS navi“The anxiety caused gate through these difficult by my stressful life disaptimes in their lives, AHS Photo by Woah Kinney administration wants stupeared immediately after AHS senior Frank ItTilYouMakeIt pogo-sticking away his problems. learning the coping strategy dents to know that, as a part of pogo-sticking. I now can out-pogohow to handle their anxiety. My perstudents spent less time on their phones of the SEE curriculum, Music Fridays stick my problems,” ItTilYouMakeIt sonal favorite is the doing brain surgery and more time dissolving chocolate will soon turn into Meditation Music explained. coping method, as I truly believe that in their mouths, they would all have a Monday-Friday. The administration Another huge believer in the SEE when students are only stressed about better life. hopes the loud volume will help students curriculum is Megan Oldman, a math having someone’s life in their hands, Because of the SEE curriculum, stress drown out any unsavory feelings they teacher at AHS who worked hard to imthey are much more likely to not feel levels reported by AHS students are might be having.

WoahKinney, Grammar Enthusiast

Student Hosptalized After JV-Varisty Dance Off LWolf, Head Boy

ASPEN HIGH SCHOOL, CO --- AHS senior Billiams has been hospitalized after a dance-off between JV and Varsity math classes.

The incident happened Thursday morning after Varsity member, Judy Sanchez, screamed down the math hallway in the middle of class, “Dance off!” JV teacher Leenie Naptime is said to have quickly responded by gathering her JV students and beginning a count off. “A one-two, one-two-three, GO!” In pairs of two, JV members tap danced out of the classroom as they glared at the already assembled Varsity students. JV proudly boasted their newest member, Slope Boy, who has recently joined them.

“Gaining Snow Boy was a huge win for the JV math JV and Varsity math facing off in an epic dance battle. community”, JV member Lama dance-off.

Lamont said, “It has really taken a toll “It was all fun and games until JV on Varsity’s confidence.” started the cha-cha slide,” Biliams said.

Billiams, a varsity math member, was Member of the D1 recruits, Achoo one of the initial members to join in the Rigney, spoke about the incident.

and couldn’t figure out what was happening. They looked at each other in confusion and stumbled back into the room to practice their multiplication tables,” Rigney told reporters after the incident.

Outraged by JV’s synchronized dance to Old Town Road, Varsity members stormed the hall towards JV as many JV members, including alum, Kratum, fought back. Members of nearby classes described the incident as a “manic reign of terror”. There were multiple injuries that were caused by the dance battle, yet only one required immediate medical attention. Due to her injuries, Billiams has fallen behind in Varsity math and will be beginning Photo by 660 Spellings JV next week.

“I am so proud of all of the hard work on and off “I heard yelling from outside my Stanthe dance floor that my JV students put ford math classroom and just knew that forth.

We have proved our dominance JV and Varsity were at it again,” Rigney once again”, said Naptime. said. “At one point, C team peaked their *Updates to follow. heads out of Corn on the Shrob’s class

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‘Every student flies’ participants steal aircraft

Photo by Krogurt Yogurt AHS students flying in the stolen plane.

Kroegert Yoegurt, Liftie

Tuesday afternoon two AHS students, who are to remain anonymous, stole and successfully flew one of the Every Student Flies Program’s planes all the way

to La Paz, Mexico.

These two students signed up for the Every Student Flies Program in early November and were adequately taught how to fly a plane by Kate Tall, Aspen

High’s certified flight instructor. After they returned to Aspen, Tall recalls one of the students asking her if the plane had the ability to go super long distances with a full tank of jet fuel. Said student then allegedly remarked, “I bet I could fly to Mexico!”

“I truly am shocked that these students actually managed to fly the thing all the way to Mexico. I mean, I only taught them the absolute most basic skills.

I’m honestly very impressed with their observation skills. They even radioed using some of the terminologies I taught them,” Tall said.

Since the flight was not scheduled for takeoff when the two students stole it, the Aspen Airport watch tower immediately notified the authorities and followed protocol. They tracked the flight with the help of authorities until it landed in Mexico.

Since the flight was not reported for takeoff or landing properly, the plane was proclaimed a foreign force. Following protocol, airports and airbases along the route from Aspen to La Paz were aiming and launching missiles at

it; however, the two amateur pilots were able to successfully dodge each launch with “the precision of a highly-ranked captain.” It got so intense that fighter jets were ordered to follow and track the aircraft.

Former Airforce Combat Pilot Pete, AKA America’s worst bachelor, works for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport and was involved with a portion of the bombardment of the aircraft in question.

“It was unlike anything I have ever seen, even in combat. I mean, the missile strikes were being fired one after another, and these two high school students were doing loopy-loops!? Even I can’t do loopy-loops,” Pilot Pete exclaimed in a confused tone.

The two AHS students have been charged with multiple counts of capital punishment and have made their appearance in the Supreme Court on the grounds of conspiracy of the US aircraft association. They have both been charged with lunch duty for two weeks.

“Expulsion seemed a bit extreme,” AHS Vice Principal, Burgermiester said.

New attendance policy results Students dirty thier shoes in surplus of super-seniors to immitate Golden Goose

Bernadettie Spaghetti is an IB Math In an effort to get students to come teacher and is very passionate about to school, the AHS attendance policy attendance. She is thrilled about this new has changed, and now, if a student gets attendance policy and is excited about one single absence throughout their the school forcing students to come to four years at AHS, that student will not her class. graduate.

“I’m thrilled about the new attendance In past years, according to the AHS policy. The highlight of my day is seeing website, the attendance policy has been the students fall asleep in boredom in my that students must attend 85% of their class and dropping a textbook by their scheduled heads classes, or to wake they will them up. receive a I’m very withdraw excited fail in to see the class. their faces Students every cannot morning miss more for the than seven rest of the classes, year, and including maybe unexcused, longer if parent they are Photo courtesy of APD absent excused, and pre-ar- Projection for AHS class of 2020 graduation. more than ranged once,” absences due to travel. This does not Spaghetti says. include sports or school-sanctioned The Burgermeister is AHS’s assistant activities. principal. She is excited that students Susman is a senior at AHS and is are being forced to come to school but notorious for going to less than 50% of knows that it will affect lots of people in his classes over his last three years. The the school, causing many people to not new attendance policy changed just for graduate. his senior year, and it will heavily affect “I’m so glad that, from now on, every him. student will hear my announcement at “Screw this! I wasn’t sure if I was go8:03am every morning to go to class. I ing to graduate before, but I’m definitely understand that this new policy is going not going to graduate now. Who cares, to heavily impact the students, but hey, it’s not like I was gonna graduate from that’s what you get for not coming to this ditch anyways,” Susman exclaimed. school, right?” Burgermeister says.

Kayla Teryiaki, Scuba Diver

Ava Thornbush, Staff Susman

Breaking news: there seems to be a suspicious robber at AHS taking money from parent’s accounts. The investigation continued until we found it was the students taking their parent’s money for the new Goose Kit. Inspired by the original manufacturing idea of Golden Goose shoes, for those who don’t quite have $500 dollars to spare, a build-yourown- goose kit is now available for just $200.

Legend has it that when Mr. Goose, creator of Golden Goose, was a student in high school, he spent his time coloring the souls and fabrics of his white Converse. After months of dirtying his shoes, Photo by 660 Spellings Mr. Goose finally decided to get Samantha Toowealthy using the Goose Kit on her Adidas. a new pair, but on his way to the dent Johnny Toowealthy, loves the idea. trash, he was stopped in his tracks “When my Johnny came home asking by four students who asked to buy them. for $200, I asked what for. He told me Now with this new kit, Golden Goose there was this shoemaking kit to make has one of the highest net worth busiyour shoes look worn out. I knew this nesses in the world. was the new trend, so I had to give him “I never expected to be a millionaire. the money. He has made over five pairs But I guess I was pretty trendy, even now, and his creativity will definitely get though I was poor!” Goose said. him into an Ivy League,” Toowealthy Students today are similarly inspired said.

by Mr. Goose and the Goose Kit. The Mr. Goose is opening a shop in Aspen Goose Kit includes a pair of clean white with his own designs on December 12, sneakers, a piece of charcoal to dirty up 2020. Aspen School District will be the sides when they get too clean, three different colored markers which students closed this day, due to many teachers use to draw a star on the side, and finally and students having already called in a packet of dirt to rub on the laces. expecting to be sick.

Samantha Toowealthy, mother of stu-

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Frosh valet opens Ellis Island, Staff Jack A$$

At the start of the 2019-2020 school year, a new deal was struck between AHS seniors and incoming freshmen.

This transaction was proposed by the class of 2023 shortly after their “Move Up” tour of the high school late in the 2018-2019 school year. After hearing the horror stories of new freshmen being bottle dropped or hung from “the Boat” by their underwear, the class of 2023 decided they needed some insurance, plus benefits, to secure a smooth school year.

At a student-led conference held in the Seminar Room over the summer, representatives from both grades deliberated for several hours before a compromise was reached. The freshmen promised free valet parking to all seniors in the AMS parking lot all year in exchange for no hazing and a free one day pass across the infamous “Yellow Brick Road”.

Freshman Will Park Urcar described the importance of the agreements within this groundbreaking deal.

“As a representative of my grade, I think it is so important that we freshmen can cross over to the other side of the Commons. Being able to sit with our friends who are upperclassmen is so important to us. Even just being close enough to almost touch the boat is worth it to me,” Urcar explained.

Even though it may seem like a large task to park more than 50 cars by 8:05 every day, with the guidance of parents like Neid Alicense’s, the freshmen’s’ operation moves smoothly.

“Although my mom has to come with me every day to park the cars, I don’t see

that as something that holds me back.

She might miss her hot yoga class from time to time, but she doesn’t do anything else, so that’s not a huge issue. I still get to choose the radio station, and sometimes, my mom sits in the back seat to let me be more independent,” Alicense, age 15 explained.

The seniors this year don’t get to “haze” the freshmen in a typical manner, but they feel the trade-off of free valet parking is worth it. Plus, the class of 2020 has found creative loopholes that allow them to play a few pranks here and there.

“I mean it’s nice; I’m not going to lie. I don’t have to worry about finding a spot in the parking lot or walking up to the high school when it’s cold. I don’t worry about my car itself because I know the freshmen’s parents are in there with them. Plus, sometimes when my gas tank is almost completely empty, I still drive to school so the frosh have to fill it up with their money. It all evens out in the end, I think,” AHS Senior Noah Moore Gasmoney said.

Not all Seniors choose to use this deal to their advantage, rather some like Parker Somwherelse see another opportunity within the arrangement, which can be very beneficial.

“In previous years, sophomores and juniors have taken over the parking lot in the second semester, but this year they can’t get near it because the freshmen won’t even park their cars. It’s nice to finally have a guaranteed parking space without other grades getting in the way,” said Somwherelse.

Tik Tok brainwashes students into becoming Chinese soliders Ally Williams, Staff Carwash

Thousands of Tik Tok users have been brainwashed by Tik Tok CEO, Yhang Zhiming.

Tik Tok has taken over the world… literally. Tik Tok was originally called Musical.ly, which had been quite a success--having around 200 million users by 2017. It had a similar concept to Tik Tok, though it shut down a few years later. Musical.ly assumed the name Tik Tok, for reasons unknown. Musical. ly users turned to Tik Tok when it was released. On March 1st, all Tik Tok users flooded to China to join the Chinese Military. The same day, multiple videos had been released of the commotion being caused by the users. These actions caused police officers to get involved due to the overcrowding seeming like protesting. Tik Tok CEO, Yhang Ziming brainwashed Tik Tok users through various songs and dances--Renegade being the most prominent. The songs and dances are said to have a subliminal message attached to them. A couple of the messages being, “Come fight with China,” or, “China needs your help.” The app founded in 2017 has now brainwashed over 800,000,000 users--200,000,000

away from the whole of Tik Tok. The 200,000,000 users left have so far resisted the temptation to rush to China, but it’s been proven that no one will be able to resist the antics.

A non-user’s friends had all disappeared within the few days of the news.

They had luckily decided not to download the app.

“My friends were all gone over the next few days--so was more than half of the school. I’m just glad that I didn’t download the app and be part of the new Chinese army,” a non-user said.

Yhang, the mastermind behind the now very popular app, has had this ongoing fantasy about brainwashing and entertaining kids at the same time.

“The purpose of Tik Tok is to entertain, and that’s exactly what I did. The videos were only temporary entertainment for the children,” Yhang said.

Along with entertainment, Yhang used Tik Tok for military gain in hopes of building an empire. Initially, he wanted more recognition, but he wanted more than just that. Yhang claimed he wanted to take over the world--for his parents.

Instead of the Chinese stereotype of becoming a doctor, his parents wanted

Photo by 660 Spellings KidzBop acts as a world unifier, both literally and figuratively.

KidzBop worldwide

Since the early 2000’s the Kidz Bop Kidz have been slowly taking over the world with their covers of pop songs.

From K-Pop to Rap, Kidz Bop has been sweeping the nation with their beautiful singing and dancing skills.

On November 15, 2019, they released Kidz Bop 40 including songs like “Truth Hurts”, “Senorita”, and “7 Rings”.

Since their new album has come out, the Kidz Bop Kidoz are debatably the best young group on the charts, according to Billboard.

Jewels Belt, one of the newest members of the Kidz Bop Kidz, spoke about Kidz Bop’s future and what she wants to hopefully accomplish by the end of the year.

“We have been planning on covering the greatest pop, rock, and even K-pop songs of 2019; our goal by the end of the year is to have more records sales than ‘Thriller,’” Belt said.

Belt believes heavily in what the Kidz Bop Kidz are able to achieve through healing song and dance.

“I know what you might be saying; we’re just a bunch of kids who don’t know what they’re doing and covering songs that aren’t even ours. What I would say about that is, yes, we may be young and covering songs that aren’t ours, but we have fans all over the world who love us, and in a few months we are going on a world tour so, it’s possible.”

Belt said.

Kidz Bop covers have touched people

in a mental, physical, and emotional way. Many fans say they like them because they help them through their good and bad times. They have many loyal and passionate fans all over the world who just want to protect them and keep them from all of the haters. 58-year-old Tomass Gino, a massive fan of Kidz Bop,who quit his job and moved to LA to pursue a groupy Kidz Bop career.

“When I heard their first album in 2001, I was going through a really hard time and their angelic voices really helped me get by and realize that I was in the wrong field- Law was not my true passion. It wasn’t until March 4, 2003, that I decided to quit my job and move to LA and pursue my true calling,” Gino stated.

On March 2, Kidz Bop visited The White House and met Drumpt. They performed their greatest cover ‘Boy with Luv,’ and ‘Lucid Dreams’. Drumpt was seen being escorted out in tears during Lucid Dreams. He has still not released an official press statement, but the next day he tweeted saying “those vocals hit different doh.”

Many people don’t know how or why they have gained so much attention. It might be their voices, funny personalities, or their inherent appeal. Since their first album, they have touched people’s souls and helped many people through different times. We wish the very best for these kids and their future. Also, Tomass has not debuted with Kidz Bop just yet but we wish him the best of luck too.

him to take over the world. In order for Yhang to fulfill his parents wishes, he’d have to plan for years on end.

“Allowing the kids to create these videos, and learn all these dances was the start of my scheme. The more time people spend on the app, the easier it will be to brainwash them and get them over to China for training,” Yhang said.

Tik Tok star Charlene D’animal has taken on the role of General, while other Tik Tok star Noah [Eubanks] was assigned, Lieutenant. The Chinese soldiers themselves, are questioning where the kids came from, and how they got here.

“I had never seen so many kids in one

area, especially ready to fight. I mean, their idea of fighting in a war is dancing to stupid Tik Tok dances that aren’t even relevant. This isn’t the place to have fun and dance, this is war,” one soldier said.

Many Chinese citizens had been trampled as each Tik Tok user ran through the streets. Despite the current Coronavirus outbreak, the kids still ran freely in utter chaos. Up to one million citizens have been hospitalized as a result of the stampede. Fortunately, no one has died, though the hospitals experienced overcrowding. Yhang warned the users in the Terms and Conditions about this potential situation--but seriously, who

Lhoenix Peeking, Writer para el Staff

CORONA

April Fools’

NEWS

Screed eliminates all coffee at AHS

said.

There is no clear answer as In a recent staff meeting, to when Mr.Screed will stop AHS’s new coffee shop was his alleged rampage, but the briefly introduced, leaving administration has started teachers thrilled about the investigating. Nothing major idea of getting their mornhas been found as of this ing cup of joe at school. point, and the investigators However, not everyone was are still unaware of the entirely delighted by the whereabouts of all of the idea. AHS philosophy and stolen coffees. However, history teacher, Screed, was there is a popular theory less than enthusiastic about floating around the high the idea of having coffee school about what exactly supplied at school. Many he plans to do with all of took this as a bitter joke, but the stolen coffee. this was where the anti-cofMany speculate that feeist operations sparked Mr.Reed is giving the into action. coffee to his llama acquain“Coffee is pure poison, tances at the Aspen Market acidic, diuretic and dehyto fuel up their aggression, drating. Those who conand once their aggression sume tea are intellectually has peaked, he will use superior, and I despise the them to go to war against thought of consuming the Photo by Palindrome Smith coffee drinkers. This may inferior beverage, [coffee] sound ridiculous to several not only in general but on a Mr.Reed plotting while seeking inspiration from his preferred beverage, tea. expression, and then bam, he AHS chemistry teacher, people, but many AHS teachdaily basis. It makes me sick swiped my coffee and darted Brent Magnesium, is an avid ers know that this would not to think about serving coffee off,” recounted Sand. coffee drinker and has bebe out of character for the as opposed to tea. Absolutely This was the first of many come wrapped up within the anti-coffiest. sick,” remarked Screed at the surprising encounters reporttroublesome anti-coffiest.

“I really believe that Screed AHS staff meeting. ed by AHS staff. Just two “I actually drink tea and is willing to eliminate all cofLater that week, the first days later, AHS literature coffee, but I rarely bring coffee at AHS, and that rumor anti- coffiest ambush was teacher, Mc. Beth Clark noted fee to school anymore. You spreading is quite ridiculous, reported by AHS business know it’s just crazy, every but now I am starting to think teacher and avid coffee drink- that the coffee she had left in her room was stolen. A tea single time I bring a cup to that something like that could er, Sandman. bag was left behind, leaving my morning classes they actually happen. I encourage “I was walking down the a clue of Screed’s visit to disappear. At first, I thought all AHS staff members to hallway on Tuesday morning Clark’s classroom. it was funny, but now I, along guard their coffee and prepare to get some copies. I had Over the next few weeks, with many other teachers for anything. None of us just bought a fresh cup of the coffee heist became more have had it with Screed’s tea know what Screed is really coffee from the new coffee frequent. AHS’s coffee shop obsession. Please just let us capable of, so just watch shop, and was just walking is currently close to the point have our coffee!” Maiolo out!” warned Clark. about when I heard a faint Palindrome Smith, Resident Twin

echo of… well, I think it was throat singing or maybe even yodeling. Then the noise went silent, and I turned around to find Mr. Screed right behind me with the most neutral

of being out of business due to all of the anti coffee attacks. AHS teachers are drinking less coffee inside of school out of fear of their coffee being stolen.

Seniors get “FastPasses” to Cafe, outrage follows Krogert Yoegurt, Liftie

Ever since the AHS cafe opened in 1863, there has been an unrelenting cutting of the line by those of social hierarchy, specifically composing of the juniors and seniors.

As more and more students are discovering their ability to get away with passing all the “losers” who actually wait in line, the trend is becoming more popular among upperclassmen. Each year, this tradition also comes with widespread upset among AHS staff members, though no one really understands why this is.

Senior Tay Tay G Money first started cutting the cafe line junior year once she noticed that she then had optimal power in the school to take advantage of.

“One time, I was about to give my number to Mister to buy a pumpkin muffin and some little gremlin who I had just cut tried to buy their snack before me, as if in protest of the inevitable. I don’t really remember what happened, but from deep within the crevices of my subconscious, I found myself round-house kicking this freshman and knocking them to the floor,” G Money said while smiling and reminiscing.

After years of consistent disparage-

ment of such actions by teachers, such as Straussdog and AOB, the Lunch Duty Committee has finally succumbed to allowing upperclassmen to cut the Cafe Line, but not without a price.

“I’ve had to take precious time out of my day every day to stand by the cafe and stop stuck-up upperclassmen from cutting everyone else and directing them to their rightful place in the back of the line,” Straussdog said. “I’ve had it. I figured, why not make some cash off this? Overcharge ‘em and fix the sewage issues?”

And so she prompted Mister to start selling ‘Cafe Fast Passes’ to AHS juniors and seniors. For juniors, a fast pass costs ten dollars, and for seniors, five dollars.

So far, about 64% of the upperclassmen student body has purchased a fast pass.

Junior Ellie Floorman, has been cutting the cafe line like a boss since she was a sophomore and purchased a fast pass the second she found out she could.

“I get weird looks from underclassmen and teachers every time I stand in the “fast lane” on the left side of the cafe I wanted something to show for it, to justify my actions, so I got one and I am stoked!,” Floorman said.

G Money, on the other hand, is not down for the Fast Pass and in protest of this, she did not purchase one and continues to cut the cafe line with little regard for what teachers and underclassmen think.

“I will not buy something that lets me do something I already have the right to do. I didn’t put that hoodlum in a neck brace just to pay five whole dollars for some stupid pass... stupid,” G Money said.

PAGE 11

Super snowday Wefani Stojcik, Wtaff Sriter

The race for the superintendent position at AHS continues with four candidates remaining - Tharyn Mulfruit, Tammy Clementine, Anschutz, and David Boo. However, on February 7th and March 2nd, the real test was given in hopes to narrow down the options further.

The Board of Education assigned each candidate to call a snow day and were evaluated based on their judgment of the conditions. Mulfruit and Boo were well prepared for the surprise but Clementine and Anschutz were definitely caught off guard, nearly compromising their position.

Tharyn Mulfruit, the principal at AHS for the past five years, had no issues navigating his decision-making process.

“Psh, I totally saw this one coming.

I mean, what better way to get the job than to give the people what they want - a snow day with just 3 inches of snow and clear roads; it’s a dream come true!”

Mulfruit said.

The less practiced candidates, however, were a little underprepared for such a task.

“I freaked out when I saw the email in my inbox. I couldn’t believe Mulfruit called the snow day at 9:30 the night before! I spent all night trying to make the right choice,” Clementine said.

The Board of Education later announced that choosing to allow a snow day was the correct call, leaving Boo and Mulfruit in the lead for getting the job. However, the other two contenders wiggled their way back into the running after they took the Board on an intense day of skiing, in which they promised a Cloud Nine lunch break and face shots all day long.

“I mean, really it was a win-win for all of us. If I’m superintendent, I may just call snow days every day!” Anshutz said.

With one more snow day remaining in the 2019/20 school year, the new superintendent may just be decided by the next big snow, and it sounds like Boo has a secret trick up his sleeve.

“It’s pretty simple. In order to make this third snow day happen, early in the morning, I’ll get buckets of water and splash the roads in front of the Bus Barn.

There will be guaranteed snow days and a guarantee to my spot as super intendant!” Boo said.

Photo by WoahKinney Artist rendering of the Fast Pass for seniors.

April Fools’

CORONA

MEDITATION

PAGE 12

Yearly Horoscope: your birthday is judging you Sopapilla G., Staff Astrologist

Aries: I know that you are the first sign, just don’t get all cocky, it doesn’t make you better.

Libra: Big and small decisions are coming your way, good luck choose wisely.

Taurus: The stars are saying that you don’t like change, so I suggest that you lock yourself in your room and never, ever come out.

Scorpio: Guess the month of April wishes you the best, but I’m not really sure how that’s possible.

Gemini: As a professional Astrologist, I would like to inform you that….

Sagitarrius: Your sign is half man, half horse, so… that’s pretty cool…

Cancer: According to my research, you are supposed to have great health this month, but the Coronavirus is a thing so….

Capricorn: Lebron James and Jake Paul are Capricorns… do you what you want with that information.

Leo: Your sign is supposed to have some family issues this month, so you should probably hide away from your family all month, or maybe even all year,

Aquarius: Isn’t this the name of one of the mermaids in The Little Mermaid? Just keep swimming…? Idk you’ll figure it out.

Virgo: Planetary strength is equally distributed between the upper and lower halves of the chart, whatever that means.

Pisces: I cannot believe that you actually read to the end- can’t you tell that I am totally unqualified to be talking bout horoscopes?

Successful mindful minute leads to creation of cult

Girl Gets Restraining Order After Following Horoscope Too Closely

Randol Blueway reaches enlightenment.

T Gurt, Judd’s Sister

Every English class at AHS begins with a mindful minute. These sixty-seconds are a peaceful way for students to reflect on their thoughts and attempt to live in the present moment. Last Friday, a senior student at AHS shocked the entire English department when he claimed to have found enlightenment through a mindful minute. AHS student, Randol Blueway, arrived at school on time for the first day this entire school year.

“It was crazy; the universe sent me a message that I needed to attend school that day. When I sat down in Merena’s class, I was transformed. I had reached total and full enlightenment,” Blueway said.

Many students at AHS have seen how zen Blueway has become and want to follow in his footsteps. Blueway had gained many followers throughout the school.

“Since I have already reached enlightenment, I only charge a small fee for other students to learn how to follow in my footsteps,” Blueway said.

AHS senior, Wophie Silcox, was astonished by Blueway’s new way of living.

She wanted to reach enlightenment too.

Photo Courtesy of God

“Randol promised if we paid just a small fee of $2,000 dollars, he would change our lives forever,” Silcox said.

Vice-principal at AHS, the Burgermeister, had never seen anything like this before. A cult had formed, let alone one where female students just kept joining.

“I saw many of the girls in AHS following in Randol’s lead. They all wore their hair in two braids and followed him in a single file line down the halls of the school as if he had brainwashed them,” Burgermeister said.

AHS student, Togan Fantaberg, attempted to join the cult but was rejected.

“I paid the fee to Blueway, and he took my money but didn’t let me join the group. That’s when I realized this was a scam. Also, he seemed to only be allowing girls to join,” Fantaberg said.

A police officer at AHS, John Smith, is now investigating the alleged sham.

“We will now be questioning Blueway as soon as possible. We have noticed more and more girls joining him each day. It’s crazy all of this just started with a mindful minute; we thought that was jsut some propaganda from the Dalai Lama,” Smith said.

Laugrudan Wolf, Head Boy

Aspen High School senior Sally Hinton received a restraining order last Tuesday after the alleged stalking and violation of personal property against classmate Paul Floyd. Hinton was found chasing Floyd through the science wing screaming, “My horoscope told me it was you; we are in love!”

For Hinton, each day begins by making her way to Astrology.com in search of destiny. She religiously reads her horoscope each day, referring to the daily reading as “the Bible”. Hinton described her horoscope for last Tuesday, March 21st, as a sign in her life. She explains the horoscope as stating that she would find the love of her life that day, and it would be someone she wouldn’t be expecting.

Hinton explained that her horoscope, for Libra, stated, “Today the moons have aligned as Mercury comes into retrograde, making it Libra’s time to shine in the romance department. Be on the lookout today for that special someone; they are waiting for you. Keep your mind clear as this person may not be the person you expect it to be” In Hinton’s first period class, it became

clear who this special someone was.

Hinton describes how when her classmate, Paul Floyd, entered the classroom late with his jeans sagging and unwashed hair, she knew that he was the one that her Horoscope was alluding to.

“It was like a lightbulb going off in my head. Of course, it was Paul! It has always been Paul,” Hinton said.

Floyd didn’t realize what was happening until he heard Hinton call his name after the first period. He said that it all went downhill from there.

“Hinton ran towards me at full speed and went straight in for the kiss. After dodging it, I began walking away but she persisted until I was running full speed down the halls, and she kept screaming ‘You are the one!’” Floyd said.

Hinton was eventually tackled to the ground by AHS security, Hall Pufangle, and taken into custody at the Pitkin County Jail Tuesday afternoon.

Hinton defends her actions stating that “My horoscope told me that I would fall in love. What is so wrong with following my destiny?”

Photo by WoahKinney Hilton chases boy through the science wing last week, as was dictated in her horoscope.