SIMPLYkc Magazine March 2022

BECAUSE I SAID SO...

THE PROS AND CONS OF BED BUGS WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN

Pro: I scheduled my first mammogram!

Con: I’m old now.

Pro: I didn’t really have time to worry about the unknown—the pain level, a cancer diagnosis, the image of pancakes.

Con: I didn’t have time to worry because I was working and on my hands and knees with a flashlight and a piece of tissue searching every fabric of my apartment looking for and killing bed bugs.

Pro: I know a lot about bed bugs.

Con: I know too much about bed bugs. They survive on human blood. A female can lay three eggs a day with a host nearby— over 300 in her lifetime! She lays eggs near a host so they can immediately feed. They are attracted to a human’s CO2.

Pro: I still remember CO2 is carbon dioxide—our exhale—from high school chemistry. I still remember freezing bugs for my ninth grade biology bug presentation. I learned so much, high school teachers. Thank you!

Con: Bed bugs don’t die by freezing.

Pro: I could have pinned a frozen-but-still-alive bed bug to my presentation causing an infestation to the school and ending all bug projects for future generations.

Con: That bug project showed up again when my daughter had to complete one in elementary school. Another opportunity lost to end the dreaded bug project.

Con: The state of Kansas puts the cost of bed bug treatment on the tenant even when the tenant pays an exterminator fee every damn month! And we must use the landlord’s exterminator due to liability reasons.

Pro: I tried really hard not to hang up on my apartment building’s office.

Con: It’s about $1,000.

Pro: That $1,000 is going to someone’s family, right? Someone’s going to pay their mortgage and pay for their family’s groceries.

Con: My kids are getting ramen noodles for dinner until summer.

Pro: The bug inspection guy told me, “It’s a good thing you don’t have a lot of furniture. You don’t even have a bed! Just a box spring and a mattress. Should be easy.”

Con: Divorce. Ugh! Pro: Divorce. Yay! Con: I have to wait five days for treatment and I’m kicked out of my apartment for six hours.

Pro: The bed bugs will be gone in less than a week!

Con: Oh yeah. My boobs got squished like a bed bug. Not painful. Just uncomfortable.

Pro: I’m cancer-free.

Pro: Bed bugs are killed by heat. They will die at an exposure of 118 degrees for 20 minutes.

Con: I don’t live in Arizona where temperatures reach 118 degrees.

Pro: I live in Kansas. A beautiful state with beautiful people.

Overland Park and our backyard neighbor, Kansas City, are fun destinations to bring your family!

Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie

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SIMPLYkc MAGAZINE

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MARCH 2022