Kooperation, Konflict, Avoidko Negotiation Strategies of Informally Separated Parents in negotiating

‘KO-OPERATION, ‘KO-NFLICT, AVOID-‘KO: NEGOTIATION STRATEGIES OF INFORMALLY SEPARATED PARENTS IN NEGOTIATING CHILD REARING MATTERS WITH THEIR FORMER SPOUSES

SIDNEY NICOLE DISPO BERNARDINO PAMELA DOMENIQUE MALLARE DIZON

COLLEGE OF MASS COMMUNICATION UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES DILIMAN

APRIL 2014

UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES Bachelor of Arts in Communication Research

Sidney Nicole D. Bernardino Pamela Domenique M. Dizon

‘KO-OPERATION, ‘KO-NFLICT, AVOID-‘KO: NEGOTIATION STRATEGIES OF INFORMALLY SEPARATED PARENTS IN NEGOTIATING CHILD REARING MATTERS WITH THEIR FORMER SPOUSES

Thesis Adviser: Professor Jose R. Lacson, Jr., PhD College of Mass Communication University of the Philippines Diliman Date of Submission April 2014

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_______________________________ Sidney Nicole D. Bernardino

_______________________________ Pamela Domenique M. Dizon

April 2014

‘KO-OPERATION, ‘KO-NFLICT, AVOID-‘KO: NEGOTIATION STRATEGIES OF INFORMALLY SEPARATED PARENTS IN NEGOTIATING CHILD REARING MATTERS WITH THEIR FORMER SPOUSES

SIDNEY NICOLE D. BERNARDINO PAMELA DOMENIQUE M. DIZON

Submitted to the COLLEGE OF MASS COMMUNICATION University of the Philippines Diliman In partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of

BACHELOR OF ARTS IN COMMUNICATION RESEARCH

APRIL 2014

‘KO-OPERATION, ‘KO-NFLICT, AVOID-‘KO: NEGOTIATION STRATEGIES OF INFORMALLY SEPARATED PARENTS IN NEGOTIATING CHILD REARING MATTERS WITH THEIR FORMER SPOUSES

by

SIDNEY NICOLE DISPO BERNARDINO PAMELA DOMENIQUE MALLARE DIZON

has been accepted for the degree of BACHELOR OF ARTS IN COMMUNICATION RESEARCH by

Professor Jose R. Lacson Jr., PhD.

and approved for the University of the Philippines College of Mass Communication by

Professor Rolando B. Tolentino, PhD. Dean, College of Mass Communication

BIOGRAPHICAL DATA PERSONAL DATA Name

Sidney Nicole Dispo Bernardino

Permanent Address

6 Daisy Street, San Pedro 9 Subdivision, Bagbag, Novaliches, Quezon City

Telephone Number

(+63-917) 631-0867

Date & Place of Birth

09 March 1994, Manila

EDUCATION Secondary Level

Salutatorian, Francisco School, Baesa, Quezon City

Primary Level

Top 8, Francisco School, Baesa, Quezon City

ORGANIZATIONS

Member, The Parliament: UPLB Debate Society (UPLB) Member, Himig Maskom External Affairs Committee Head, UP Communication Research Society

WORK EXPERIENCE

Part-time Transcriber, Philippine Survey and Research Center (PSRC), 12 months Intern, GeiserMaclang Marketing Communications, Inc., 2 months

ACHIEVEMENTS

College scholar: 1st semester AY 2010-2011, 2nd semester AY 2011-2012 University scholar: 2nd semester, AY 2012-2013, 1st semester, AY 2013-2014 UNIV Congress Philippines 2013 Paper Presenter

BIOGRAPHICAL DATA PERSONAL DATA Name

Pamela Domenique Mallare Dizon

Permanent Address

Lot 5, Block 6, 5th Avenue, Villa Julita Subdivision, Barangay Saguin, City of San Fernando, Pampanga

Telephone Number

(+63-915) 567-2200

Date & Place of Birth

16 July 1993, City of San Fernando, Pampanga

EDUCATION Secondary Level

St. Scholastica’s Academy, City of San Fernando, Pampanga

Primary Level

St. Scholastica’s Academy, City of San Fernando, Pampanga

ORGANIZATIONS

Member, UP Mi-Abeyabe (UP Los Baños) Member, UP Communication Research Society

WORK EXPERIENCE

Intern, City of San Fernando City Hall, April 2010 Intern, Philippine Survey and Research Center, April 2013

ACHIEVEMENTS

College scholar: 1st semester AY 2011-2012, 1st semester AY 2012-2013, 1st semester AY 2013-2014 University scholar: 2nd semester, AY 2012-2013 UNIV Congress Philippines Paper Presenter

ABSTRACT Bernardino, S. N. D. & Dizon, P. D. M. (2014). ’Ko-operation,’Ko-nflict, Avoid-‘Ko: Negotiation Strategies of Informally Separated Parents When Negotiating Child Rearing Matters with their Former Spouse, Unpublished Undergraduate Thesis, University of the Philippines College of Mass Communication.

This research study aimed to find out how informally separated parents negotiate child rearing matters which were financial, legal, and parental responsibility with their former spouses. It was found that there were four (4) negotiation strategies that separated parents employ to settle the aforementioned matters with their former spouses: cooperation, conflict, avoidance, and developing. Through focus interviews on twenty two (22) separated mothers and fathers, the researchers found that separated parents decided on a strategy that suited them based on their personal characteristics as well as marriage and separation experiences. Informants with the cooperation strategy found it easy to settle child rearing matters because of their pleasant relationship with their former spouses unlike those who employed the conflict strategy who had negative emotions with one another. Those who used the avoidance strategy were accustomed to having no communication with their ex-spouses as they shouldered all parental duties. Developing negotiation strategy, the strategy that the researchers found, is characterized by transition of the other three (3) strategies. Ideally, developing strategies are geared towards cooperation but was not the case at all times. With the conflict and avoidance strategies, more mediated communication through mobile phones and social networking sites occurred in order to reduce clash between the separated parents.

ix

TABLE OF CONTENTS Page Title Page

i

Approval sheet

ii

Biographical Data

iii

Acknowledgements

v

Dedication

vii

Abstract

viii

Table of Contents

ix

List of Tables

xi

List of Figures

xii

I.

II.

INTRODUCTION

1

A. Background of the Study

1

B. Statement of Problem and Objectives

4

C. Significance of the Study

5

REVIEW OF RELATED LITERATURE

7

A. Role of Communication in Separated Relationships

7

B. Factors for a Separated Individual’s Communication

10

x

III.

IV.

V.

C. Reasons for a Separated Individual’s Communication

14

D. Negotiation Styles of Separated Individuals

19

E. Separated Parents’ Means of Communication

27

F. Effect of Separation

30

G. Synthesis

33

H. Research Gaps

33

FRAMEWORK

35

A. Premises of the Study

35

B. Conceptual Framework

38

C. Operational Framework

40

D. Operational Definition of Terms

42

METHODOLOGY

45

A. Research Design and Methods

45

B. Concepts and Indicators

45

C. Research Instruments

48

D. Units of Analysis and Sampling

49

E. Data Gathering Procedure

49

F. Data Analysis

50

G. The Researchers

50

FINDINGS AND DISCUSSION

51

A. Profile of Informants

51

B. Experiences of Marriage

56

C. Experiences of Separation

62

xi Â

VI.

VII.

VIII.

D. Negotiation Strategies

65

E. Effects of Negotiation Strategies

85

F. Emergent Findings

102

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION

104

A. Summary

104

B. Conclusion

108

IMPLICATIONS

111

A. Theoretical Issues

111

B. Methodological Issues

112

C. Practical Issues

113

RECOMMENDATIONS

125

Bibliography Appendices

LIST OF TABLES Number

Title

Page

1

Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 1

45

2

Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 2

46

3

Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 3

46

4

Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 4

47

5

Ages, Sex and Educational Attainment of Informants

52

6

Occupation, Marriage Status and Income of Informants

54

7

Negotiation Strategies of Informants

56

xii Â

LIST OF FIGURES Number 1

Title

Negotiation strategy of separated parents and its effects on

Page 39

themselves and and their children 2

Negotiation strategy of separated parents as influenced by

41

specific factors and its effects on themselves and their children 3

Informally Separated Parents who are separated by distance and work’s use of the Cooperation Negotiation Strategy

70

DEDICATION To our parents Emerlita Bernardino Divina and Ponciano M. Dizon Jr. We hope to make you proud

1

I. A.

INTRODUCTION Background of the Study

Marriage has always been important not only in the Philippines but all over the world. It is the foundation of the most basic institution—the family. Also, marriage in the country is influenced by law through the Civil Code and religion as a ceremonial celebration of the union of man and woman. By law, marriage is recognized as key to society and it is essential to maintain the concept of indissolubility (Vancio, 1977).

Although annulment and legal separation is allowed by the state, its standpoint against the legalization of marital dissolution or divorce is resolute (Lacar, 1993). Yet in a survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations (2011), half (50%) of Filipino adults agreed on legal divorce for separated couples while 33% disagreed on it. 16% were undecided on the issue. Moreover, the attitude towards divorce shifted from neutral to favorable in Metro Manila.

The Philippines and the Vatican City remain to be the political states in the world without divorce (Reuters, 2011). Despite the importance given to the family as an institution, the number of separated couples increased. From 2000 to 2007, there was a 29% increase of separation between married couples. This meant that 1 out of 3 marriages ended up in separation (NSO, 2000, 2007).

Previous studies cited that increase in separation and divorce rates in the United States for the last 100 years were due to the impact of industrialization and economic development (Goode, 1970; Eshleman, 1974 in Lacar, 1993; Stetson & Wright Jr., 1975).

This finding was the same in other Asian and European countries (Ham 1973; Monahan 1962; Goode, 1970 in Lacar, 1993). Moreover, social theorists said that economic growth

2

indicated by urbanization, industrialization, increased income, and education break traditional family patterns. However, Stetson & Wright Jr. (1975) only saw this as influential to divorce and not as a direct effect to divorce.

Situating these in the Philippines, according to a study conducted in Iligan City, cases of marital dissolution are more rampant than what is known. To some extent, as Lacar (1993) in the same study noted, marital dissolution can be informal in context of the law in the country. Third-parties in marital relationships is the most common cause of dissolved marriages, some of these relationships even bring forth children.

Separation occurs when marital dissatisfaction is felt between husband and wife (Kelly, Fincham, & Beach, 2003). Finance, infidelity, children, in-laws and friends, sex, self-disclosure, and privacy were enumerated as sources of marital problems in couples (Akinade, 1997 and Niolon, 2003 as cited in Omozuwa, 2008). These problems cause conflict between couples that, when not managed properly, can lead to argument, violence and eventually separation or divorce.

Understandably, the couples are the first individuals affected by the separation.

Divorce or separation causes them stress and stressors may be financial hardship, reductions in social network size and moving (Wang and Amato, 2000). These stressors often lead to financial problems (McIntosh, et. al., 2009), loneliness (Licuanan, 1978 as cited in Medina, 1991), physical illness, personality disorders, and substance abuse problems (Johnston, 1994).

Bonds made when couples get married are also shaken once the marriage crumbles or put in distress. Thus, aside from the maritally distressed couples, other parties related to the couple are also affected by a separation. These parties are the

3

couples’ family, friends and children (if any).

Relatives, as mentioned by Weiss (1975), are often told private matters by individuals under marital distress. Relatives may have various reactions; they get concerned upon hearing about the separation, they are anxious to help, silently condemning, angry and may not want involvement in the issue. Friendships that formed during the union of individuals may also fade once the relationship of the couple is dissolved. Individuals or group of individuals who have been friends to both husband and wife may choose sides during or after a separation. In this instance, the husband or wife may feel resentment towards those who chose to side with the other spouse (Weiss, 1975).

Parties involved in separation are referred as personal networks. Not only was the communication to the former wife or husband considered but also their communication with their personal network (i.e., mutual friends, relatives, in-laws, etc.) (Terhell, Broese van Groenou and van Tilburg, 2007).

The family is also broken aside from the marriage. That is, aside from the separated couples’ relatives and friends, their children are most affected by the separation.

In turn, the children are distressed by the separation of their parents. The children’s wellbeing depend on their parents to guide and nurture. In addition, parent-child interaction is seen as the most reliable predictor in the psychological, social and cognitive development of children (Lamb and Lewis, 2005 in Mahon and Moore, 2011). Hence, being exposed to the separation of their parents affects the children. This poses the challenge for the separated couples to continue being parents despite being apart.

Separated parents may have different concerns regarding their children which are on custody, visitation and child rearing (Weiss, 1975). Thus, communication is deemed

4

important in order to negotiate and settle these concerns. Grebe and Hansen (1985) identified communication styles of separated couples in negotiating matters on child rearing which are cooperation, conflict and avoidance. Cooperation is characterized by positive communication and working together to settle matters. In conflict, separated couples may still need to negotiate matters despite the interaction being hostile or unfriendly. Avoidance occurs when there is no or little contact between couples, thus, mediators are needed to help in the settling of matters.

These negotiation styles are variably resorted to by separated couples when arranging for the care of their children. In a collectivist culture like the Philippines, Filipinos are known to put emphasis on the importance of groups and kinship, especially the family. This research situates the interaction of informally separated couples living in urban areas in the country.

B.

Statement of Research Problem and Objectives

Research Problem: How do informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines use cooperation, conflict and avoidance strategies to settle financial, legal and parental responsibilities to their children?

General Objective: To know the effects of the negotiation strategies of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines with their former spouse when settling matters pertaining to child rearing Specific Objectives: 1. To find out how (a) personal characteristics, (b) marriage experiences and (c)

5

separation experiences influence the negotiation of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines with their former spouses 2. To describe the negotiation strategies (i.e., cooperation, conflict, avoidance) that informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines used for various communication contexts when negotiating with their former spouses for matters pertaining to financial support, legal matters and parental responsibilities 3. To compare the negotiation strategies of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines with their former spouse through frequency of contact and means of communication 4. To assess the impact of each negotiation strategy on the a. satisfaction of the informally separated parents on resolving matters pertaining to financial, legal and parental responsibilities b. well being of the informally separated parents’ children

C.

Significance of the Study

The researchers, saw the importance of communication and negotiation between separated couples in order to reach a resolution—may it be for their children or not.

Individually, separated parents have their own advances when communicating since there is a rift and impairment in their relationship. Hence, it is hard to reach resolution or even manage conflict. Therefore, this study can be applicable in conflict communication as the separated parents reach agreement with their former spouses. Specifically, different interests after the separation may be managed despite the possible presence of hurt feelings.

6

Foreign studies on separation mostly discussed the repercussion on the separated parents’ children and not on how these individuals try to manage the effect of their separation on their children. In addition, past studies did not focus on how couples approached and managed conflicts. So, this study aims fill that gap and assess the effect of the former couple’s negotiation strategies on their children.

Aside from the realization that there is a need to provide knowledge on conflict management; the researchers found the need to provide a localized knowledge on separation. Despite the rising number of separations in the country, there is only limited local literature about separation. The study can provide information on how to manage conflicts and communication especially those that involve children of separated couples and also knowledge on how the negotiation of separated parents may best benefit the children.

7

II.

REVIEW OF RELATED LITERATURE

Communication has always been important in all kinds of relationships. Even in impaired relationships such as the occurrence of separation, communication’s role has been essential. Communication can be an instrument to resolve problems and issues between parties since it can create understanding resulting to a healthy relationship.

Concepts on divorced couples are also applicable on the study of communication between separated couples. Similarities in the communication aspect of separation and divorce were observed; thus, literature on divorce was also looked into.

With a view to determine how communication between separated couples has been studied, the researchers discussed the (a) role of communication in separated relationships, (b) factors for separated couples’ communication, (c) reasons for separated couples’ communication, (d) negotiation styles of separated couples, their (e) means of communication, and (f) effects of separation.

A.

Role of Communication in Separated Relationships

The research literature emphasized the importance of communication in marital relationships as well as its probable influence on marital dissolution. Even before separation, marital communication plays a major role in the success of marriage.

Marriage entails building a family, thus, communication fosters interaction to avoid damage to a good relationship and the creation of marital problems (Omozuwa, 2008). In the case of married individuals, the spouse is the usual person turned to for support (Kelly, Fincham, & Beach, 2003).

Fisher’s and Ury’s (1981) discussion on negotiation of conflict may be applicable in understanding the communication and negotiation styles of separated couples. They

8

noted that negotiation is affected by emotions and interests of the people involved and it is hard to deal with people who take things personally. The emotions involved when negotiating may either be helpful or disastrous for the negotiation itself. Positive approach or emotions such as trust, understanding and respect can make negotiation smoother and more efficient. On the other hand, negative emotions such as anger, depression, fear and hostility threaten the negotiation. This is supported by Markman, Ragan, Rhoades, Stanley & Whitton (2010) who saw communication in marriage as positive and negative. The former pertains to aspects of fun and friendship while the latter are associated with divorce-related issues such as commitment issues and infidelity.

Individuals with either positive or negative emotions have different or conflicting interests that want to be fulfilled. These interests may be common or uncommon for both parties. Fisher and Ury (1981) said that parties should focus on meeting their interests. In focusing on these interests, negotiating parties must express their interests, acknowledge each other’s interests, and focus on the problem. It is important to focus on accomplishing the problem rather than the people involved in the problem. In separation, the both parties’ interests will be met if problems or issues at hand (particularly those that involve their children) are focused on. Therefore, whether the individuals’ emotions are positive or negative, there is a need to resolve child rearing matters.

From the time of marriage to the separation itself, communication between separated individuals and their former spouse can be characterized positively and negatively; therefore it can shift toward cooperation or conflict. With former couples who have children, positive communication is recommended to ensure the children's well being. Attachment between former spouses is beneficial especially for individuals who

9

continue to be parents (Madden-Derich & Arditti, 1999). In this case, continued contact and communication between separated individuals and their former spouse is vital because there are people, aside from themselves, involved in their relationship-- mainly the children.

In Masheter's (1997) quantitative study, most common reasons of contact are children including child care, custody, and financial matters. In addition, quarrel over these topics occur more than discussion. It was mentioned that separated couples usually advise each other with regards to child rearing, financial, and career and retirement matters. Some innovative separated parents have tried to work out what seemed to them more desirable custody arrangements than the usual allocation of full custody to one parent and reasonable visitation rights to the other (Weiss, 1975).

Communication is not limited to the separated parents; children need an assurance that they will be cared for despite of the separation. Concerns may rise from the children, they may wonder where they will live, with whom or they may even want for their parents to get back together. These concerns are ought to be answered (Weiss, 1975).

Aside from informing the children of the separation, both separated individuals ultimately need to explain the reasons that came with the decision to separate and their current situation as a couple. Communication, therefore, plays a role in informing and explaining to the children why separation happens. They should be informed while keeping in mind that they should not be overwhelmed with the information. The information shared should be enough to explain the other parent's departure to the children. In doing so, they are saved from the burden of figuring out why the separation

10

happened (Weiss, 1975). Children of separated individuals ought to know the reasons why their parents had to separate.

B.

Factors for a Separated Individual’s Communication

Primarily, separated parents communicate because of personal reasons. These reasons are factors pushing them to communicate with their former spouse. It may be because of their attachment (reasons for marriage, initiator of marriage, initiator of separation) with the former husband or wife and the years they spent together or their marital status (if they cohabitated or not).

1.

Attachment

In marital separation, the children and the past feelings (such as love and affection) of separated individuals serve as a connection between them and their former spouses.

These remain to be the reasons to still contact and communicate with one another. Hence, the separated individual is said to be attached with his former spouse. Previous studies found attachment as an important factor that affects former spouses who are still in contact with one another. Attachment is the "preoccupation with the former spouse or hostility towards the former spouse" (Tschann, Johnston & Wallerstein, 1989; Masheter, 1997; Weiss, 1976 in Madden-Derich & Arditti, 1999). Moreover, attachment between former couples was defined as a bond that is enduring and relatively stable (MaddenDerich, 1999; Kitson, 1982). In addition, this attachment is also the foundation of former spouses in co-parenting. Results showed high levels of attachment are associated with good co-parental relationship.

Fischer, De Graaf, & Kalmijn (2005) explored the contact of former couples after

11

their divorce. They correlated the contact with six factors such as duration of marriage, prior attachments, prior conflicts, life after divorce, liberal family values and personality.

They focused on whether the couples still contact each other and if this contact is friendly or antagonistic. Antagonistic contact stems from conflict and characterizes aggression or violence verbally and nonverbally. In Fischer et. al.’s (2005) analysis, half of the sample reported to have contacted their former spouses after ten years of divorce. However, contact decreases significantly through time. From the six factors that were mentioned, prior attachments, liberal family values and neurotic personality is found to foster more contact.

a.

Reasons for Marriage Before separation, former couples’ feelings toward each other are the reasons why

they decide to marry. Eekelaar (2007) learned that there are various reasons why people marry. First, it would be to comply with the convention of marriage as part of religion or cultural practices. Second, marriage is for a ceremonial celebration or party. Third, it is a confirmation of one's commitment to one another. Fourth, it was seen as a way to start practices that is only permitted through the framework of marriage, that is, building a family or having children. Fifth, it can also be for practical purposes. It was found that the decline of marriage was because of the legal consequences brought by the end of marriage, simply, divorce (Eekelaar, 2007).

b.

Initiator of Marriage Some cultures like those of Japan and China engage in arranged marriages, that is,

the parents choose their children’s partners. In other words, marriage is not necessarily

12

voluntary because other parties aside from the couple decide for their marriage. But, perceptions on marriage differ from culture to culture; society’s view on marriage evolved through the years. Marriage has been more of a consensus than an arrangement.

Traditionalists blame free choice for high divorce rates in modern societies. They say that when children choose their partner; they can be irrational because they are swayed by either feelings or hormones. Naturally, traditionalists agree with arranged marriage. Xiaohe and Whyte (1990) said that parents are just concerned about their child’s happiness and think that they have better judgment in choosing a partner for their child. Parents argue that they have wisdom and experience to make judgments when they choose a partner for their offspring, also, they can be rational by investigating the partner’s character.

This practice changed through time and with the industrialization of societies.

Goode (1963) as cited by Xiaohe and Whyte (1990) said that children are given more freedom with their choice of partners. This means that parents’ control over the relationship of their child is deteriorating. In modern societies, views on free choice are different from the views of the traditionalists. Modernists believe that marriage should be voluntary and more of a free choice, an arrangement between the couples rather than an agreement by other parties.

Hodson’s (1958) study essentially pointed out that marriage must be voluntary.

This means, that marriage is a consensus between the husband and the wife where they are not forced to marry each other or against their own will.

13 Â

c.

Initiator of Separation Buckle, Gallup Jr., & Rodd (1996) studied marriage in the evolutionary

perspective--marriage as reproductive contract. Through biological inferences, they hypothesized that females are more likely than males to initiate divorce because as females age their reproductive potential becomes low. A survey was conducted in Canada and this hypothesis was validated; that females seek divorce early in the relationship.

Common reasons were because females are concerned for their safety, their children and their partner's inadequate support for the family. Others also cited physical violence in the relationship. Â

2.

Length of Marriage

Matters discussed in the interaction of separated individuals with their former spouses are not limited to parental responsibilities. Bloom and Kindle (1985) examined the communication of former spouses regarding parental responsibilities and noted that length of marriage was also a factor in the frequency of contact of former spouses.

Individuals with longer marriages tend to have more contact with their former spouse compared to those who were married for a short time then decided to separate (Bloom & Kindle, 1985; Madden-Derich & Arditti, 1999). Also, long marriages tend to have quality relations than those of short marriages. Â Frequency of contact is seen to decrease through time (Bloom and Kindle, 1985, Fischer, et al., 2005, Peacey and Hunt, 2008). Spending time together of separated couples is the main nature of contact. Other ways of contact are arrangement of meeting with mutual friends and meeting by chance. Common topics of conversation are about finances, property settlement and their current conditions (Bloom and Kindle, 1985).

14

3.

Marital Status

When there is communication with the ex-spouse, there will also be communication with the child. The marital status of former spouses has an influence with the frequency of contact of the non-resident parent with the child (Peacey and Hunt, 2008).

"Children who did have contact were highest where their parents had previously been married (74 per cent). This decreased to 69 per cent where parents had co-habited without marriage, to 63 per cent where the parents had been in a relationship but not lived together and to 56 per cent where there was said to have been no relationship" (Peacey and Hunt, 2008, pp. 32).

C.

Reasons for a Separated Individual’s Communication

When separating, the formerly-married individuals do not only take into account their personal feelings about separation itself. Their relationship also concern their families, friends and most importantly their children, thus, they should always be taken into account.

Children are most affected by a couple’s separation; they must always be considered when couples decide to separate. Thus, children may be the primary reason why martially separated couples communicate and interact (Grebe and Hansen, 1985).

Having children is a big factor as 60% of childless couples had no contact after ten years compared with 70% of ex-spouses who still have contact (Fischer et al, 2005). Age of children matters as contact between former couples is less likely to happen when the children are older (Peacey and Hunt, 2008). Thus, divorced couples are obliged to maintain contact because of their children. Former spouses with children mostly talk about parental concerns to fulfill their responsibilities as parents (McIntosh, Burke, Dour, Gridley, 2009).

15

1.

Financial Matters

Children depend on adults to teach them how the world works, to provide affection, and to care for their physical needs (Ritchie and Koller, 1964 as cited in Seltzer, 1991). Thus, the responsibility of parents to provide affection and the needs of children become heavier after separation. According to DiPrete and McManus (2001), early studies on divorce described the increase of men’s state of living compared to their former wives but these studies have been disproved by later research on divorce. Now, men face financial burden because of the loss of former spouse’s income together with the heavier burden of financially supporting their children.

In several countries that legally recognize separation; laws are established to mandate fathers to financially support their children. In America, there have been attempts to enforce more rigorous child support obligations in order to improve the effects of parental separation on children. The Family Support Act seeks to improve the economic welfare of children by encouraging nonresident parents to financially support their children (Black, 1989, Garfinkel & McLahan, 1989 as cited in Seltzer, 1991).

Additional financial burden on fathers are brought by voluntary cash payments to their former partners (Edin & Lein, 1997, as cited in DiPrete & McManus, 2001). This voluntary support is dictated by norms on parental responsibility. These norms also make the role of fathers vague and undefined which makes it easy to escape responsibility. In Seltzer’s (1991) study, he found that fathers who have custody over their children support them by sharing a household and providing for their material needs. Noncustodial fathers, on the other hand, often pay little or no child support. Furstenburg and Nord (1985) in their study noted that the payment of child support is important to maintain contact, thus,

16

families of low socioeconomic status are less likely to pay child support.

In the Philippines, Family Code defines the support of individuals on their former spouse and children. It was defined that support includes everything that is essential for sustenance such as dwelling, clothing, medical attendance, education, transportation, etc.

(Pineda, 1990).

2.

Legal Matters

Maritally-distressed couples seek legal help to get advice on the impending separation and its costs. In this case, lawyers are tapped to mediate between the separating couple to reach aims of both parties. Usually, they inform couples of the law on separation or divorce, manage negotiations of the other party’s lawyer, pilot the courts for the petition on the divorce or legal separation, or serve as advocate before the judge (Weiss, 1975).

Internationally, in couples' separation, there are three ways in marital dissolution: divorce, legal separation and annulment. Divorce is the absolute dissolution of marital relations. Legal separation means limited divorce for the spouses are allowed to live separately by a judicial decree but their marriage remains intact. Annulment declares the marriage as void or nonexistent by the provided grounds of the law (Pineda, 1990).

However, in the Philippines, only legal separation and annulment are permitted by the state. Although there are many separated individuals in the country, only few of them try to separate through legal means because of the absence of divorce, the scandal it entails, laborious process, time spent and monetary costs only a few resorts to these options. The end result is informal separation between couples (Medina, 1991).

Upon agreement of separation by the couple, several issues need to be settled

17

upon through legal means. Buehler (1989) enumerates legal matters in separation that can be settled in court, namely, custody, visitation, property arrangements, child support and spousal support. Custody refers to the authority of a parent in terms of decision making for the welfare of the child. It can be of sole or joint custody. Visitation rights are granted to the non-resident parent when the custody is given to the other parent. Child support is a monetary cost that is intended to cover the needs of the children. Spousal support is similar with child support and the only difference is that it is given to the spouse.

Property arrangements cover the division of properties the couple purchased during their marriage. Housing is the usual disputed property (Buehler, 1989 & Wisconsin Courts, 2012).

Mohan and Moore (2011) mentioned the common features in the courts when separation or divorce cases are heard. These consist of the “disposal of the family home and attendant financial settlement, spousal and child maintenance, custody and parental residential care of children, and access and contact between nonresidential parent and children" (Mohan and Moore, 2011, pp.80).

Parents who share custody of their children are shown to have maintained high levels of communication. In co-parenting, topics of discussion consist of coordination of rules between households, visitation schedules and child rearing practices (Maccoby, Depner, & Mnookin, 1990). In a study done by Ellis (1994), one reason for communication is talking about shared parenting. This includes terms of visitation of the departing parent (Ellis and Stuckless, 1996). For ex-spouses who have children, parenting does not end at separation.

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3.

Parental Responsibilities

After separation, the relationship of the parents to the child and vice versa can be strained because the notion of a family is damaged. It also results to emotional turmoil for the children because they will undergo change in their lives. In addition, it affects the children's development as separation has long-term effects to the children (Weiss, 1975).

It is now the duty of the parents to execute parental responsibilities to the children to ensure their wellbeing. Parental responsibility refers to all the "rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority that go with being a parent" (McGhee, 2008). According to Executive Order No. 209 or the Family Code of the Philippines (1987), in Title IX, Chapter 3, Article 220, parental responsibilities to the children are as follows: “ (1) To keep them in their company, to support, educate and instruct them by right precept and good example, and to provide for their upbringing in keeping with their means; (2) To give them love and affection, advice and counsel, companionship and understanding; (3) To provide them with moral and spiritual guidance, inculcate in them honesty, integrity, self-discipline, self-reliance, industry and thrift, stimulate their interest in civic affairs, and inspire in them compliance with the duties of citizenship; (4) To furnish them with good and wholesome educational materials, supervise their activities, recreation and association with others, protect them from bad company, and prevent them from acquiring habits detrimental to their health, studies and morals; (5) To represent them in all matters affecting their interests; (6) To demand from them respect and obedience; (7) To impose discipline on them as may be required under the circumstances; and (8) To perform such other duties as are imposed by law upon parents and guardians.

(316a)” (Family Code of the Philippines, 1987)

In summary, parents should guide, care, protect, give affection, and support the interests of their children. Amato and Booth (1996) stated that children feel less affection from their parents after divorce and engage in less contact with them especially in fatherchild relationships. Handling the separation will be difficult for the children, hence, the more the parents need to show care and love for their children while being apart.

A study on the relations of formerly married couples' and their children and about

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child rearing practices after marital disruption have been made by Furstenburg and Nord (1985). Nonresidential mothers are seen to be more active in child rearing as they are more likely to visit on a regular basis and contact them through letter or phone. The outside parent's extent of parental responsibility characterizes social and recreational, that is, working on projects together, cooking, sewing, playing games and a little schoolwork assistance (Furstenburg and Nord, 1985). Arrangements and settlements about child care among resident and nonresident parents have also been discussed. Findings show that formerly married couples rarely communicate about their child, that cooperative coparenting doesn't happen most of the time (Furstenburg and Nord, 1985).

It is also part of child rearing responsibilities to attend special occasions for the children. According to Weiss (1975), in the need to attend a PTA (Parents and Teachers Assembly) meeting, both parents may want to attend but both also want to be saved from the uneasiness of meeting. In occasions like this, the parents may act as if they are still a family unit. Weiss (1975), also noted that during celebrations for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Passover and birthdays, the former spouses are forced to interact as a part of their public presentation (for their children’s sake). This makes the interaction of former couples a sense of duty as they extend their responsibilities as parents to their children.

D.

Negotiation Styles of Separated Individuals

The quality of communication exchange of separated individuals and their former spouses depends on the quality of relationship they had as couples (Peacey & Hunt, 2008). This can predict how their communication takes place in separation. Cooperation, conflict and avoidance are the styles used by separated individuals in their interaction

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with their former spouse. Former couples may use a single style while some may use combination of styles like cooperation and conflict (Maccoby, et al. 1990). Grebe and Hansen (1985) said that “the greatest intensity of feeling is often in the discussion of parenting arrangements”. Although these styles may be most useful for discussing parental responsibilities, it can also be applicable when dealing with other issues.

McIntosh, et.al. (2009) provided measures for cooperation between separated couples which are communication and the presence of conflict. As the children are affected, adjustment to this occurrence is characterized by cooperative co-parenting with communication and low inter-parental conflict by the separated couple. This does not mean that negotiation styles of couples are limited to cooperation.

The view of parents regarding these issues may differ. According to Grebe and Hansen (1985), they may see parental responsibility as a way to compete with their former spouse or a responsibility to be avoided. They also add that separated individuals who are cooperating for their children find it easier to settle parenting arrangements with their former spouses.

1.

Cooperation

The role of communication between separated couples is essential especially in the breakdown of the family. Co-parenting is one factor in the communication between former couples. Co-parent was defined as "a person (a non-custodial parent or cohabiting partner) who shares parental duties with a custodial parent" (Merriam-Webster, n.d.). The cooperative style is also related to supportive co-parental relationships that characterize less hostile proceedings, satisfaction with financial support and joint custody arrangements (Madden-Derich & Arditti, 1999).

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Cooperation is characterized by frequent contact with the former spouse and children as well as friendly correspondence (Peacey & Hunt, 2008). Furthermore, Pryor and Rogers (2001) mentioned that separated parents who have low levels of conflict (that is, they cooperate) and communicate best serve their children’s needs. Similarly, it was seen that couples with high levels of contact are associated with lower levels of interparental conflict (Symth, 2004). Also, lower rates of re-partnering, less physical distance between parents’ households, and higher levels of financial resources characterize couples and their children with high contact (Symth, 2004).

Co-parental interaction requires former couples to maintain their relationship for the shared responsibility of being parents to their children (Madden-Derich & Arditti, 1999). However, these negotiations are not easy since in some separated relationships, disagreements arise and there are difficulties to find a common ground or to show compromise.

2.

Conflict

Anger with the ex-spouse is seen as a reason for the former couples’ noninvolvement with each other. This anger needs to be resolved before resolving the couples’ issues but can include hostility resulting in custody disputes, intimidation and violence. The more recent the separation means the more quarrel occurs between former couples. Moreover, it was also found that high hostility between former couples have less frequent contact and less probable to talk about intimate or personal topics (Masheter, 1997). In addition, Peacey and Hunt (2008) mentioned that parents with no contact are more likely to be younger, have no occupation, not married and have low educational background.

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Weiss & Heyman (1990, 1997) as cited in Behrens, Halford, & Sanders (1999), say that conflict occurs between maritally distressed couples because there are higher rates of negative verbal and nonverbal communication, more coercive escalation, and greater withdrawal from problem-solving interactions with their partners.

According to Ellis and Stuckless (1996), negative feeling of anger, negative approach to the problem, and issues that lead to the separation of couples make it difficult for them to come to an agreement and work together. These issues may pertain to marital violence, addiction of either spouse to alcohol or gambling, existence of third parties, etc.

Usually violence is towards the women, husbands beating their wives. They also describe violence as a form of social control especially when the family is male-dominated. With regards to third parties, the “wronged” spouse may want to separate upon discovering the other spouse’s affair. These issues are hard to put aside when interacting; thus, it leads to negative verbal communication because expression of anger is greater than the want to settle issues.

Couples who have high conflict behaviors toward each other find it hard to negotiate and reach an arrangement. There is always a possibility that separated couples, especially parents, can experience a rude shock when working out child-rearing matters (Maccoby & Mnookin, 1992).

Johnston (1994) identified three dimensions of conflict namely: domain, tactics and attitudinal. Domain refers to the issues and matters that separated couples negotiate (financial support, property division, custody and access to the children). Tactics are either the manner in which separated couples resolve their disagreements (verbal reasoning, verbal aggression, physical coercion, and physical aggression) or ways in

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which divorce disputes are formally resolved (use of attorney negotiation, mediation, litigation, or arbitration by a judge). Attitudinal includes emotions that may be expressed or implied (anger, hostility and depression).

Frequently, separated or divorced parents take their disagreements to court (Johnston, Roseby & Kuehnle, 2009). Custody of children is the most frequent legal matter discussed by these parents. Conflicts between separated parents make custody arrangements hard to reach for it requires a large amount of cooperation. Lawyers can worsen the conflict between separated couples because of conflicting negotiation on child custody and visitation rights (Weiss, 1975). As Mnookin and Kornhauser (1979) said, the constant contact between separated couples can create conflicts between them and possibly result to negative effects to their children (especially joint custody arrangements between conflicting couples).

Mothers often perceive themselves as having carried most of the child-rearing responsibilities before and after separation. Fathers, nonetheless, find their child-rearing contributions as substantial. Parents having different perspectives on their contributions must confront each other. It is during this time that they need to seek legal counsel to settle custody of children (Maccoby & Mnookin, 1992).

Johnston, et al. (2009) described divorced parents as engaging in frequent arguments that undermine and sabotage each other’s role as parents. This includes disparaging the other parent in front of the child or making the child the messenger of insults and threats to the other parent. Dr. Gardner in 1985, named this act as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). It is the result of parental conflicts over custody where the aligned parent (that is the “ally” of the child) defames the other parent (Rand, 1997).

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In high conflict divorce with significant PAS, the children are personally involved in the parental conflict. Unable to manage the situation so as to preserve an affectionate relationship with both parents, the child takes the side of one parent against the other and participates in the battle as an ally of the alienating parent who is defined as good against the other parent who is viewed as despicable (Rand, 1997, p. 1).

Golstein, Frued and Solnit (1973) as cited in Maccoby and Mnookin (1992), recommended that there should only be one custodial parent when the individual is not in a harmonious relationship with the ex-spouse. The custodial parent will be solely involved in the child’s life needs because contact with both parents imposes a negative effect on the child.

3.

Avoidance

A number of separated or divorced couples adhere to cooperating and collaborating in parental relationships; however, others still disconnect from each other, either as a spouse, as a parent or both (Baum, 2003 as cited in McIntosh, et. al 2009). A parent, according to Grebe and Hansen (1985), may decline the responsibilities such as parental responsibilities. This then leads to avoidance of communication with the former spouse because of the want to escape from the responsibilities. Avoidance of parental responsibilities may sometimes go deeper than the reason itself, sometimes; separated parents avoid their responsibilities with their children to evade encounters with former spouses (Weiss, 1975). Other reasons include the “avoiding” individual finding it “too painful, too time-consuming or too uncomfortable”, distance (that the parent live far from the child), bad feeling between the parents, feeling that it was better not to see the child, and the other parent's lack of commitment (Grebe and Hansen, 1985).

In addition, child's reluctance and child safety were also likely to be cited as

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reasons for the cessation of contact (Grebe and Hansen, 1985, Peacey & Hunt, 2008). A minority of separated individuals said that there was no contact because the other parent doesn't know of the child's existence (Peacey & Hunt, 2008). Grebe and Hansen (1985) also added that avoidance may also be because of the former spouse per se; the discomfort of seeing the former spouse may lead for the other to avoid. In this case, mediators are essential to make arrangements in a way that both former husband and wife will benefit.

Greif (1995) also found that reasons for little or no contact of the nonresident parent to the child were lack of contact with the other parent (62%), distance (30%), personal issues (16%) and the last comprise of the children's issues (16%). There were also differing opinions on communicating with the former spouse, "One parent reported more sporadic patterns of contact. Five parents also reported that they generally got along well with their former partners; two parents reported high levels of inter-parental conflict; and one parent reported little or no communication with their former spouse. But three of the four non-resident parents frequently referred to high levels of obstruction by their former partner, while two of the four resident mothers left their former spouses because of physical violence. Thus, for some parents, physical distance may have helped reduce inter-parental conflict (Smyth, 2004, p. 56).”

Some separated parents completely stop their communication with their former spouse to stay away from conflict. This is because contact might bring back conflicted periods in the relationship such as issues in relation to divorce, its causes, reconciliation and feelings for each other (Ahrons & Rodgers, 1987; Ambert, 1989; Metts & Cupach, 1995 as cited in Masheter, 1997). Hence, it is in the discretion of the parents to continue contact to their former spouses especially if there is less conflict between them for the children’s sake. It is not easy for former couples to communicate because of the uneasiness when meeting. Yet, some manage to overcome the uneasiness and cooperate

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in fulfilling their responsibilities to their children. As for those who cannot find a way to set aside their grievances and discomfort, a conflicting interaction or even avoidance may occur.

Whatever negotiation style couples use, the aim is to reach an agreement. The label as winner or loser implies that one of the separated couple benefits more than the other. Negotiation should not be giving in; it should be a win-win situation for both individuals where they are able to reach an agreement. Buehler (1989) mentioned that parents have the opportunity for arrangements but when can't reach a decision, mediators like judges decide for them. Sole or joint custody is possible hence it can be a win-win or win-lose situation for the parents. In Maccoby et al. (1990), both ex-spouses regard cooperative parenting to be satisfactory for the both of them.

Fisher and Ury (1981) encouraged negotiating parties to invent options for mutual gain but the problem is choices seem to be limited. This is because the parties have (1) premature judgments; (2) search for the single answer to their problems; (3) assume that there should only be one winner; and (4) think that "solving their problem is their problem." In order to resolve this, Fisher and Ury suggested that negotiating individuals should: (1) to separate the act of inventing options from the act of judging them; (2) to broaden the options on the table rather than look for a single answer; (3) to search for mutual gains; and (4) to invent ways of making their decisions easy (Fisher and Ury, 1981, p. 33)

A good example of an agreement could be that of a “divorce agreement” where divorcing partners specify custody and visitation arrangements and division of financial assets (sale of the family residence and division of the proceeds) (Masheter, 1991). In addition, divorce agreements should be mutual decisions of divorcing partners.

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E.

Separated Parents’ Means of Communication

Maintenance of communication is difficult between separated parents after marital separation since, as Maccoby, Depner, & Mnookin (1990) mentioned, communication can increase opportunities for parental conflict and may affect the children's well-being. However, it is inevitable for the former couples to communicate because of parental issues that need to be processed and resolved.

1.

Mediated Communication

Ellis and Stuckless (1996) noted that interaction between couples who are currently separated may be through negotiation by third-party intervention. In cases when mothers and fathers have difficulties in communication with their former spouse, they may opt to process their issues through mediation. Conversations may be facilitated by a mediator such as lawyers, therapists or those who have chosen it as a profession. Grebe and Hansen (1985) compared divorce mediation and divorce therapy in their study; emphasizing that though mediation and therapy have similarities, there should be a clear line to separate them.

“Divorce therapy may be differentiated from divorce mediation in that the former is focused more on stress relief, individual behaviour change and increased self understanding, while the latter is focused more on dealing with specific problems, resolving disputes and negotiating differences inherent in the dissolution of the marital state. While successful divorce therapy may facilitate mediation and while successful mediation may be therapeutic, these two processes should be clearly separated.” (Brown, 1982, pp. 30-31 as cited in Grebe & Hansen 1985)

Mediators are neutral parties who help the couples reach resolution rather than provide one. First step in the mediation is to identify and define the issues.

Communication is most important in the second part of mediation which is processing the

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issues. In this step, mediators facilitate the communication and negotiation process of parties involved. Lastly, couples reach a resolution with the help of their mediator (Grebe & Hansen, 1985). When communication is facilitated by more than one mediator, it is called co-mediation. To reach emotional resolution and legal settlement, the ideal comediation is facilitated by a lawyer and a therapist; one is male and the other is female.

Having lawyers as mediators compels the couple to resolve legal matters. Often, they aid the separated couples in their decision to divorce. Former spouses should not expect lawyers to help them in their emotional issues or conflicts because negotiations mediated by lawyers operate in the context of identifying the results of divorce and whether it is best for them (Mnookin, 1979, as cited in Ellis & Stuckless, 1996). There are also separated couples who seek the help of other experts such as accountants, actuaries and financial planners as advised by their mediators. Experts help them process and resolve more specific issues (e.g. financial, legal matters) (Grebe & Hansen, 1985).

The use of other people as communicating medium is not limited to experts. Some divorced or separated individuals use their children to relay information to their former spouse. In Furstenburg’s and Nord’s study (1985), 38% of mothers and 31% of fathers stated to have used their children to communicate through their former spouses. This occurrence makes the children the link for the communication of former spouses.

Therefore, it was used as a communication strategy to reduce parental conflict (Furstenburg, Jr. and Nord, 1985). Another study mentioned that only a minority reported to having a supervised contact with the child and resident parent. Usually, the other person present was a relative or a friend. Only 1% mentioned to have a professional as a mediator (Peacey and Hunt, 2008).

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2.

New Media Communication

Aside from the aforementioned mediators, the most common means of contact of separated parents was through phone followed by visitation of the ex-spouse (Fischer et al., 2005). In particular, phones are used to schedule face-to-face meetings with the spouse. In addition, Coleman, Feistman, Ganong, Jamison & Markham, (2012) studied how co-parents use technology in post-divorce communication. This includes the use of computers (the Internet) and mobile phones. Use of communication technology for coparents with good relationship and poor relationship differed. Technology makes communication easier for co-parents with good relationships since they use it to convey information about their children, share co-parental duties and arrange face-to-face meetings. On the other hand, technology does not help co-parents with poor relationships as technology is used to withhold or limit information from the other parent. The positive aspect about the use of technology by co-parents with poor relationships is that it reduces face-to-face interaction, thus reduces conflict.

Haythornthwaite (2005) studied strength and weakness of ties between individuals and how they use media for communication. It was found that pairs with strong ties use more mediums to communicate compared to pairs with weak ties. If a pair or group has a need of maintaining the tie, they were more likely to use media than those of weakly tied pairs because there is no effort of continuing the contact (Haythornthwaite, 2005). Applying this to separated couples, it can be inferred that the use of media and the number of media is used by separated individuals to communicate with their former spouse is characterized by cooperation rather than hostility.

There are various means of communication that can be used to interact, discuss,

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and settle matters with former spouses. Aside from face to face communication, separated couples also communicate through different channels such as lawyers, accountants, therapists, other neutral parties and communication technologies (i.e. Internet and mobile phones). These mediators help in making the interaction and negotiation process easier between couples in conflict resolution. Having the knowledge of various ways to interact or communicate with former spouses does not mean a positive communication will be the end result.

F.

Effect of Separation

Separation takes its toll on both the parents and the children. Separated individuals’ economic status, physical and mental health may be distressed by their separation while their children’s well being and behavior are affected at the same time.

1.

On Separated Parents

Separation has different effects on different couples. According to Wang and Amato (2000), some individuals recover quickly while some find it hard to adjust to divorce-related stress. Masheter (1997) found that former couples whose relationship is characterized with unfriendliness have less contact that results to low well being (associated with repeated disputes in custody) while former couples with friendly relationship have higher well being.

Divorce or separation induces stress; this is the case for over two million adults and one million children annually (Dohrenwend and Dohrenwend, 1974: Norton and Glick, 1976 as cited in Berman and Turk, 1981). Divorce stressors may be financial hardship, reductions in social network size and moving (Wang and Amato, 2000).

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Both men and women experience financial or economic stress. Women and children are more likely to experience financial problems. Separation of husband and wife also has an effect to the fulfillment of parental responsibilities because of different living arrangements and less effective parenting with residential parents feeling overburdened (McIntosh, et al., 2009).

Longitudinal studies gave evidence that separation and divorce have an effect on the economic well-being of women, that is, a decline in their economic status.

Consequently, men are better off after separation and divorce. While mothers are disadvantaged as their employment may become irregular or even discontinued due to their role as primary parents (Holden & Smock, 1991).

Because of the aforementioned stressors, divorced couples have lower levels of psychological well-being compared to married couples (Aseltine and Kessler, 1993 as cited in Wang and Amato, 2000). In addition, Bloom, et al. (1978) as cited in Berman and Turk (1981) said that divorced individuals frequently develop physical illnesses and have higher morbidity rates compared to married couples.

Johnston (1994) said that separated individuals are more likely to have severe psychopathology, personality disorders, and substance abuse problems. She added that aforementioned effects may also be because of a conflicting relationship with former spouse. The paranoia may be caused by divorce and legal disputes (determining who the better parent is).

In the case of marital dissolution in the Philippine context, separated women usually cope with pain, loneliness, and bitterness toward the husband, financial problems

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to support herself and children, parenting problems, status in the community including stigma, and self improvement (Licuanan, 1978 as cited in Medina, 1991).

2.

On Children

A couple’s marital separation may affect either their rearing of children or the children’s behavior itself. Children have different reactions once they know about their parents’ separation. According to Weiss (1975), the separated couples influence the children and conversely, the children affect their separated parents. Younger children often blame themselves for the separation of their parents. Adolescents may develop anger towards their parents and question their moral worth, while older children may be more accepting but are disturbed when their parents are interested in dating again (Weiss, 1975).

Undoubtedly, marital separation has an impact on the children's lives. Children of separated couples who had high-conflict and frequent contact have a hard time adjusting to the situation, hence, less parental conflict will make the children adjust to their current situation (Lamb, 2007, Furstenberg and Cherlin, 1991 as cited in Mahon & Moore, 2011).

Conflict between former couples increases the risk of their children to have psychosocial problems as the children are witnesses to the parental conflicts happening in the household. However, even after divorce, interparental conflict can still occur or some resign as parents and leave their former family (Maccoby, Depner, & Mnookin, 1990).

Once couples with children are separated, child rearing responsibilities become more complex because it is concentrated with one parent especially once there are no coparenting agreements. Weiss (1975) said that it is a more difficult for fathers to take care of their children compared to mothers because they have little homemaking and child

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care skills.

Income support during separation also affects children. Fathers who regularly support their children’s financial needs do so because of social norms such as parental responsibility and equity. Some fathers who fail to financially support their children may be because of reasons such as (a) low income levels, (b) ex-wives are hard to deal with and (c) separation is also divorce with their children (Ellis and Stuckless, 1996).

G.

Synthesis

Communication plays a part in the negotiation of issues between separated couples and on informing the children about the separation since they are most affected by it. In this case, the children are considered the primary reason for the negotiation and communication of separated individuals apart from attachment, length of marriage, and legality of marriage. Financial matters, legal matters and parental responsibilities are being discussed to settle concerns regarding the child. Separated parents who are able to reach agreements smoothly are considered to use cooperative style of negotiation. Those who have difficulty in negotiation because of uncertainty on whether to be affected by negative emotions or focus on the problem are using a conflict style. Separated parents who do not want to talk about the issues are using avoidance style of negotiation. It is here where mediators or third parties (mediators, lawyers, therapists, and the couples’ children) are useful. Communications technologies (phones and Internet) that separated parents use to interact with their former spouses are important. Whatever media options that separated couples choose (whether be cooperative, conflicting and avoiding of each other), they ought to resolve matters revolving around their divorce because it takes its

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toll on them. Aside from the separation’s effect on the couples themselves, child rearing matters should also be resolved because it has an effect on the well-being of their children.

H.

Research Gaps

Little research has been done on separated couples in the Philippine context. Most of the literature available was in a Western perspective about married individuals and their decision making process on different family issues. The bulk of the literature about parenting and marital affairs was made in the 1980s (Folberg 1991; Benjamin and Irving 1989; Steinman 1981 in Smyth, 2004). Also, most of the studies found used a quantitative approach, in a time-based manner, measuring the contact between parent and child (Symth, 2004). Policy papers on how to handle separations for the parents and the children also comprise majority of studies. Therefore, this study aims to provide a timely research on the aforementioned circumstance (that is, separation) and explore the context of separation in the Philippines especially on the communication of separated parents with their former spouses.

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III.

FRAMEWORK

As the study focused on understanding the negotiation of separated parents with their former spouses, three theories were utilized. These were (1) Attachment Theory, (2) Three-Conflict Management Style Model, and (3) Medium Theory. Briefly, (1) separated parents negotiate with their former spouses because of their attachment to their children and that their children are attached to them too. This is also why the separation influences the parent and the child. (2) When negotiating child rearing matters (specifically, financial, legal, and parental responsibility matters), separated parents employ negotiation strategies through (3) channels that also has an influence on the strategy of their choice.

A.

Premises of the Study

1.

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory, formed by John Bowlby, stated that humans with relationships have interdependence with one another. Bowlby, related this to parent-child relationship and that "attachment" is formed between a child and the parent starting from infancy (Littlejohn and Foss, 2009).

"This attachment bond is typically characterized by an enduring affiliation with an attachment figure through both good and bad episodes in the relationship; the bond is often so enduring that perceptions of grief and loss often occur if the affiliation is somehow severed"(Littlejohn and Foss, 2009, pp. 53).

Moreover, the children tend to act on proximity inducing behaviors as they feel the need to be secure and comfortable thus; they turn to the parents in times of uncertainty. This further leads to the parents’ show of affection toward their children since there is a necessity to address the children’s needs such as security, closeness and intimacy. In addition, Littlejohn and Foss (2009) mentioned that there is a stronger

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quality of relationship between parent and child if the parent has a secure pattern of attachment towards the child.

The kind of care the child receives from his parents determines the attachment of the child with his parents and care includes the kind of communication the separated parents have with their former spouses despite separation (Bowlby, 1969). Therefore, good communication of separated parents can result to secure attachment with children and pleasant adjustment to the separation.

2.

Three-Conflict Management Style Model

Various scholars recognized and studied about the individual conflicts. Putnam and Wilson (1982) saw that communication is underrated in studying conflict management. They emphasized that conflict strategies or styles are communicative behaviors that is both verbal and nonverbal. It was also mentioned that “conflicts are recognized, expressed and experienced in communication” (Frost and Wilmot, 1978 as cited in Putnam and Wilson, 1982).

Because of this, Putnam and Wilson (1982) developed the Organizational Communication Conflict Instrument and found that individuals use three styles in handling conflicts (Rahim, 2011). The three-conflict management style model was composed of three strategies that include non-confrontation, solution-orientation and control. Non-confrontation or obliging includes indirect ways of handling conflict like withdrawing from disagreements, communicative behaviors such as silence and concealed feelings. Solution-orientation or integrating is characterized by direct communication, giving in, compromising and accommodating, and collaborative behaviors that aim to integrate needs of both parties. Control or dominating concerned

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direct communication about the disagreement, arguing persistently for one's position, taking control of the interaction, and competing to enforce one's views (Putnam and Wilson, 1982).

3.

Medium Theory

Medium Theory by Marshall McLuhan, explained how communication channels influence social and psychological senses. In a sense, it also affected perception (University of Twente, n.d.) and emphasized the nature and structure of the medium independent of its content (Littlejohn & Foss, 2009; UMBC, n.d.). In addition, the use of the medium has an effect on the communicative situation of both parties. For example, a message that was received through a computer-mediated-communication has a different impact when compared to face-to-face interaction. Thus, the content may be the same but the difference in the use of medium makes the distinction for its effect on the individual's senses and experiences. Thus, it claims that a medium has its own personality (Littlejohn & Foss, 2009).

McLuhan (1964) said that the medium is the message for it "shapes and controls the scale and form of human association and action." Hence, it is influential in human interaction and communication.

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B.

Conceptual Framework

As three theories were applied in the study, we developed a model that shows how the negotiation strategy of an informally separated parent is influenced by factors such as (1) family-related factors, (2) the parent’s feelings toward his former spouse, (3) and his focus on resolving financial matters, legal matters and parental responsibility matters with his former spouse. Firstly, family-related factors are the individual’s characteristics, the marriage-related factors and separation-related factors of his relationship with his former spouse. Secondly, a parent’s feelings toward his former spouse may either be positive or negative. Lastly, focus on resolving these aforementioned concerns include the individual’s willingness to communicate with the former spouse, their use of media, and frequency of contact. This is where the Medium Theory comes in. The parents’ choice of negotiation strategy based from the ThreeConflict Management Theory, in the end, has its effects on themselves and their children as mentioned by the Attachment Theory (Figure 1).

Figure 1. Negotiation strategy of separated parents and its effects on themselves and their children

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40

A.

Operational Framework

At the operational level, the researchers specify that personal characteristics such as age, income, education, occupation, initiator of marriage and separation, reason of marriage and separation, and length of marriage and separation, have an influence on the negotiation process of informally separated parents and specifically on their negotiation strategies of an informally separated individual. Also, these informally separated parents are influenced by either positive emotions such as appreciation, satisfaction, and friendliness or negative emotions such as anger, hostility and violence.

Feelings come together with the informally separated parent’s focus on resolving matters that concern their children. And by focus, the researchers mean, (1) communication of informally separated parents with their former spouses; and their (2) willingness to resolve matters on monetary support, dwelling, clothing, medical attendance, education and transportation, child custody, visitation rights, property settlement, love and affection, advice, supervision, guidance, support, provision of needs, and imposition of discipline to the children with their former spouses. Communication entails regular or rare contact with the former spouse trough of face-to-face interaction; mediators like lawyers, counselors, therapists; and technology, namely, mobile phones and the Internet. The informally separated parent naturally has the choice not to communicate with his former spouse too.

In the end, this whole process can result to positive or negative effects on the children’s psychosocial abilities, disposition, anger and difficulties in adjustment of the child (Figure 2).

Figure 2. Negotiation strategy of separated parents as influenced by specific factors and its effects on themselves and their children

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B.

Operational Definition of Terms

Attachment. It is the intimacy, closeness and bonding among humans across the early stages of life as well as in romantic relationships (Littlejohn and Foss, 2009).

Informally separated mother/father. An individual with a child who went through separation with his/her spouse or partner by verbal or nonverbal agreement.

Cooperation. This negotiation strategy is influenced by (1) family-related factors (such as personal characteristics, marriage-related and separation-related factors), (2) positive feelings toward the former spouse, and (3) focus on resolving financial, legal and parental matters (willingness to resolve these matters, contact with the former spouse and use of media).

Conflict. This negotiation strategy is influenced by (1) family-related factors (such as personal characteristics, marriage-related and separation-related factors), (2) positive or negative feelings toward the former spouse, and (3) focus or neglect on resolving financial, legal and parental matters (willingness or unwillingness to resolve these matters, contact with the former spouse and use of media).

Avoidance. This negotiation strategy is influenced by (1) family-related factors (such as personal characteristics, marriage-related and separation-related factors), (2) negative feelings toward the former spouse, and (3) neglect on resolving financial, legal and parental matters (willingness to resolve these matters, no or rare contact with the former spouse and no or rare use of media).

Financial matters. Compulsory and voluntary payments to financially support children with former spouse (Black, 1989, Garfinkel & McLahan, 1989 as cited in Seltzer, 1991; (Edin & Lein, 1997, as cited in DiPrete & McManus, 2001).

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Legal matters. Issues between separated couples that need to be settled in through court, namely, custody, visitation, property arrangements, child support and spousal support (Buehler, 1989).

Parental responsibilities. These are responsibilities that ensure the children’s well being (McGhee, 2008); parents should guide, care, give affection, protect and support the interests of their children (Family Code of the Philippines, 1987).

Internet. Use of computer and network connections to surf the web through social networking sites/messaging websites which is one of the means of communication of separated couples when talking about child rearing matters.

Mobile Phones. Mobile phones or cellular phones are forms of new media allowing the former couples to exchange messages through sms (texts) and voice calls. Sometimes, an informally separated individual can access the Internet through mobile phones.

Face-to-face communication. Face-to-face communication as the name implies is the communication between former couples where they talk personally. These can be meetups and meetings.

Mediators. These are neutral parties that help the couples reach resolution rather than provide one (Grebe and Hansen, 1985).

Lawyers. Lawyers are neutral parties that help former couples reach settlement of legal matters (Grebe and Hansen, 1985).

Counselors. These are people who help individuals relieve stress, change behaviour and increase self understanding (Brown, 1982 as cited in Grebe & Hansen 1985) Children. The offspring of married couples who are most affected by their parents’ separation.

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Behavior. Positive or negative ways of observed actions of the children as a result of the parents’ separation Adjustment. Adjustment refers to how a child copes with the separation or set-up of the family’s current situation until he/she gets used to it.

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I. A.

METHODOLOGY Research Design and Methods

This research is a descriptive study about the negotiation process of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines when negotiating child rearing matters. The study described the effects of the negotiation of the separated parent (with the former spouse) to their children. In this study, a qualitative approach was used because it is important for the researchers to know the informants’ experiences of negotiation with their former spouses. Also, because of the study’s nature, focus interviews were employed to gather data from the informants. It is relevant to know how the main players of the study—the informally separated parents—negotiate to address matters regarding the current situation. That is, to maintain their roles as parents to their children even when they are separated with their former spouses.

B.

Concepts and Indicators

Table 1. Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 1 Objective 1: To find out how (a) personal characteristics, (b) marriage experiences and (c) separation experiences influence the negotiation of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines with their former spouses VARIABLES/ CONCEPTS

Family-related factors such as personal characteristics, experiences of marriage and experiences of separation

MEASURES/INDICATORS

METHODS

age, sex, age of children, income, education, occupation, residence Initiator of marriage, reasons for marriage, length of marriage Initiator of separation, reasons for separation, length of separation

Focus Interviews

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Table 2. Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 2 Objective 2: To describe the negotiation strategies (i.e., cooperation, conflict, avoidance) that informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines used for various communication contexts when negotiating with their former spouses for matters pertaining to financial support, legal matters and parental responsibilities VARIABLES/ CONCEPTS

Negotiation strategies

Communication Contexts

METHODS

MEASURES/INDICATORS

Cooperation

Show of positive emotions, focuses on resolving the problem and coparenting

Conflict

Presence of hostile relationship and either of the following: negative emotions and focusing on resolving the problem or positive emotions and avoidance of the problem

Avoidance

Show of negative emotions, avoidance of problem, with no resolution as a result.

Financial Support

Practice of giving compulsory and voluntary support on dwelling, clothing, medical attendance, education and transportation

Legal matters

Discussion of child custody, visitation rights, property settlement

Focus interviews

Parental Provision of love and affection, responsibilities advice and counsel, supervision of activities, moral and spiritual guidance, support of hobbies or interests, provision of needs, and imposition of discipline to the children

Table 3. Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 3 Objective 3: To compare the negotiation strategies of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines with their former spouse through frequency of

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contact and means of communication (i.e. face-to-face, expert-mediated, technologymediated) VARIABLES/CONCEPTS

MEASURES/INDICATORS

METHODS

Frequency of contact Frequent, moderate or little contact

Means of communication

Use of different communication channels such as face-to-face interaction, lawyers, counselors , therapists, mobile phones and Internet

Focus interviews

Table 4. Concepts, Indicators, and Research Methods for Objective 4 Objective 4a: To assess the impact of each negotiation strategy on the satisfaction of the informally separated parents on resolving matters pertaining to financial, legal and parental responsibilities VARIABLES/CONCEPTS Impact on the satisfaction of the informally separated parent

MEASURES/INDICATORS

Self-rated satisfaction and statement of consequences on the use of cooperation, conflict or avoidance in resolution of child rearing matters

Objective 4b: To assess the impact of each negotiation strategy on the well being of the informally separated parents’ children Effect on children’s well being

METHODS

Description of well-being, adjustment, development and behavior of the children

Focus interviews

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C.

Research Instruments

The instrument was a focus interview guide in English and Filipino that was used to elicit data from the informants. Questions were composed of open-ended questions to delve into the informants’ experiences of negotiation with their former spouses. The researchers considered that separation is a sensitive topic for the informants; therefore, the questions were structured in an open ended manner. Also, the help of counselors, therapists, and experts in the field of marital and family matters were invoked to review the instrument. There was a personal information sheet to know the informants’ demographic, personal characteristics and their negotiation strategy. To answer the first objective of this study which was to find out how personal characteristics factors influence the negotiation of informally separated parents with their former spouses.

Though questions for marriage experiences and separation experiences factors are sensitive topics, they were included in the focus interview guide since these were relevant to the study.

The researchers then assessed whether the informants use cooperation, conflict, avoidance or mixtures of these strategies. Based on the informally separated parents’ strategies, the focus interview guide was used to answer the rest of the objectives of this study such as questions on their means of communication, interactions with their former spouse, dealing of financial support, legal matters and parental responsibilities, as well as the attitude and behaviors of their children.

The instrument was reviewed by two counselors or experts on marital relationships and pretested to an informally separated male and female parent. The experts came from the Center of Family Ministries (CEFAM) and a professor from the

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Department of Family Life and Child Development of the College of Home Economics in UP Diliman.

D.

Units of Analysis and Sampling

The units of analysis were informally separated individuals who have children.

Purposeful sampling was used to fulfill the criteria that informants should be parents who are separated with their former spouse by informal separation and must live in urban areas or cities. There were only 22 informants because the researchers took into consideration that informally separated parents are hard to find, this is why snowball (or referrals) and criterion sampling was also employed. In addition, maximum variation sampling was used to get whole range of perspectives and experiences of the informally separated parents in how they negotiate with their former spouses or partners taking into account their similarities and differences. The researchers classified separated parents into two categories with different sub-categories, that is, initiated separation and uninitiated separation. For initiated separations, the reasons of separation are by 1) thirdparty, 2) vices, 3) unemployment, 4) other partner’s lifestyle (i.e., gimmicking) and 5) immaturity. For uninitiated separations on the other hand, reasons for separation are 1) distance, 2) work, 3) abandonment and 4) in-laws’ decision.

E.

Data Gathering Procedure

Aside from the instrument, the researchers consulted experts on family and marital relationships for tips about the behavior, disposition, and manner when interviewing informally separated parents. Informants were obtained through referrals from family, relatives and peers. The researchers set an appointment once the informally

50

separated mothers and fathers agree to the interview or replied with their availability. The researchers started data gathering from December 15, 2013 to January 11, 2014. At the start of the interview, the informants were asked to answer a questionnaire for their personal information. Before the interview proper, introductions were again made by the researchers with the purpose of the interview and assurance of confidentiality. With the aid of the focus interview guide, the researchers started the interview that ran for a maximum of one hour for all the informants gathered.

F.

Data Analysis

The recorded focus interviews were transcribed in a verbatim manner. Then, the researchers first made an outline through XSight by making a mind map of the study to guide us in our analysis. Next, gathered data was organized in a comprehensive matrix.

Consequently, common responses were grouped and analyzed through typologies to get emergent themes and concepts for the study. The researchers were also guided by the study framework that served as a framework of analysis in answering the study’s objectives.

G.

The Researchers

The researchers are 4th year Communication Research students who had taken various Communication Research subjects which have honed their skills in quantitative and qualitative research, project development, communication management, and communication planning. They have also taken subjects that were deemed related to the research topic of this study such as Psychology 101 (Introduction to Psychology) and Educational Counseling 101 (Introduction to Guidance).

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V.

FINDINGS AND DISCUSSION A.

Profile of Informants

Purposeful sampling was employed specifically maximum variation in order to incite varied responses from the informants. In the sample of informally separated parents living in urban areas in the Philippines, two of them were separated with their spouses due to distance or work.

Based on the literature, the personal characteristics of separated parents (such as age, sex, occupation, income, educational attainment, number, sex and residence of children), marriage experiences and separation experiences influence a separated parent’s negotiation strategy. In this study, the researchers had a total of twenty-two (22) informally separated informants that had varying negotiation strategies namely cooperation, conflict, avoidance, and developing.

The ages of the informants ranged from 20 to 60 years old. Hence, they are composed of early (19 – 40 years old) to middle (41 – 60 years old) adults based on Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development (1950). Half of them were early adults and half were middle-aged adults. Though the researchers felt that age had no relation with the negotiation strategies they used, those who used the cooperation negotiation strategy were mostly composed of early adults on the range of 19-40 years old.

There were fourteen (14) female informants and eight (8) male informants. And in terms of education, most of the informants, twelve (12) specifically, finished an undergraduate degree. Seven (7) were high school graduates, two (2) informants attended some elementary, two (2) attended some college, and one (1) had vocational schooling.

Though all informants who use the conflict and developing strategy are mostly college

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graduates, there were no informants who referred to their educational attainment when negotiating with their former partners. Hence, the researchers found no relationship between educational attainment and the negotiation strategies (Table 5).

Table 5. Age, Sex and Educational Attainment of Informants Informant

Age

Sex

Educational Attainment

1

28

F

College graduate

2

51

F

Some elementary

3

37

F

College graduate

4

34

M

College graduate

5

42

F

College graduate

6

60

F

High school graduate

7

36

F

College graduate

8

25

M

High school graduate

9

29

M

High school graduate

10

32

M

High school graduate

11

42

M

Vocational

12

28

M

College graduate

13

40

F

High school graduate

14

39

F

College graduate

15

43

F

College graduate

16

58

F

College graduate

17

33

M

College graduate

18

45

F

Some elementary

19

49

F

College graduate

20

43

F

High school graduate

21

41

F

College graduate

22

42

M

High school graduate

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The occupation of the informants was varied. Five (5) were unemployed, four (4) of them were housewives and one (1) was a student. There were also three (3) Overseas Filipino Workers, two (2) informants who work as laundress, and another two (2) were marketing managers. Other occupations were call center agent, businesswoman, front desk cashier, graphic designer, helper, hotel supervisor, housewife, insurance agent, office staff, plumber, program design associate, and a traffic coordinator.

In terms of marital status, half of them were married and half were not married but cohabited or lived together instead. When it came to income, the informants approximated their income even for those who were unemployed whose “income” depended on others such as their family members. Eight (8) informants had an income of 8, 000 and below, six (6) had an income of 8,001-15,000, three (3) had an income of 15,001-30,000; another three (3) had an income of 50,001 and above, and two (2) had an income of 30,001-50,001.

Financial capacity is a great consideration for a separated parent because he or she needs to provide for his or her child too. In this case, income becomes a consideration when using a negotiation strategy for the reason that when a parent feels that he or she can’t perform parental roles and responsibilities, he or she will employ a strategy other than cooperation. Informant 20 narrated, “Syempre kung maari lang sana dati, naalagaan ko ang mga anak ko.

Ayaw naman n’yang ibigay sa akin nun ang mga bata, saka hindi ko rin sila masusuportahan kasi kulang pa sa akin ang kita ko. Hindi ko rin silang kayang buhayin, maliit lang ang sweldo ko- apat sila.” [If I can turn back the time, I can take care of my children. Aside from my ex-husband wouldn’t want to give me the children, I can’t support them as my income is still not enough for me alone. I can’t rear them properly for my salary is small and they are four.] (Table 6).

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Table 6. Occupation, Marriage Status and Income of Informants Marriage Informant

Occupation

Status

Income

1

Call Center

Not Married

15,001-30,000

2

Laundry

Married

8,000 and below

3

Front Desk Cashier

Not Married

8,000 and below

4

OFW

50,001 and Not Married

above

5

Office Staff

Married

8,000 - 15,000

6

None

Married

8,000 and below

7 8 9

Marketing Manager Student OFW

50,001 and Married

above

Not Married

8,000 and below 50,001 and

Married

above

10

Hotel Supervisor

Married

8,000 - 15,000

11

Graphic Designer

Not Married

8,000 - 15,000

Program and Design Management

15,001-30,000

12

Associate

Not Married

13

Housewife

Married

14

OFW (Accountant)

8,000 - 15,000 50,001 and

Not Married

Marketing and

above 30,001-50,000

15

Advertising Manager Married

16

Unemployed

Married

8,000 and below

17

Insurance Agent

Not Married

30,001-50,000

18

Helper

Married

8,000 and below

19

Businesswoman

Not Married

15,001-30,000

20

None

Married

8,000 and below

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21

Traffic Coordinator

Not Married

8,000 - 15,000

22

Plumber (Tubero)

Not Married

8,000 and below

The researchers considered custody of their children as part of the informants’ profile. Most of the informally separated parents interviewed had custody of their children. Only eight (8) informants had their children in the residence of their former spouses or partners and one (1) informant who is an OFW had her child in the care of a family member. Based on the informants' family setup, the researchers observed that informally separated parents who have the custody of their children are those who employed the avoidance and developing strategies.

Some informants reaffirmed the study of Furstenburg and Nord (1985) that a residential parent may need the financial support of his former spouse. There was also an assessment of the informally separated parents’ need to support their children and the decision to negotiate with the former spouses depended on this need. Also, informally separated parents had the option to contact the non-residential parent if they felt that their children also needed the presence and parenting of the other parent.

Since the informants had varied responses on other personal characteristics such as sex, occupation, and their marriage status, it is difficult to conclude if these factors influence the negotiation strategy of informally separated parents.

There were other factors that may be influencing the cooperation of separated individuals. These are family-related factors (personal characteristics, experience of marriage, and experience of separation), and feelings toward the former spouse. Personal characteristics that influence cooperation are income, the age of children, and the residence of children.

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As what had been discussed by the literature, there is a greater need to negotiate when children are involved. Out of the twenty two (22) informants, nine (9) of them used the cooperation strategy, three (3) used the conflict strategy, and five (5) used the avoidance strategy. Based on the literature, separated individuals with children had different ways of addressing child rearing matters. These strategies will be discussed further in the paper as well as the developing strategy that is an emergent strategy that the researchers found to be relevant in looking at the strategies. There were five (5) informants who employed the developing strategy (Table 7).

Table 7. Negotiation Strategies of Informants Number of Informants

Negotiation Strategies

9

Cooperation

3

Conflict

5

Avoidance

5

Developing

22

Total

B.

Experiences of Marriage

Every individual wanting to get married has his or her dream wedding in mind.

This entails thoughts of future and family life for both parties in the relationship. Married life is perceived as the stage where people mature to do responsible acts for the family to be peaceful and stable.

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When marriage is talked about, the discussion will not end without the topic of love. Hence, most informants cited love as the main reason why they chose to get married.

But this does not mean that the informants did not consider other reasons for living together or staying in the relationship in the past.

For most of them, their relationship with their ex developed as they started to get to know their former spouses and talked constantly with each other until the friendship grew into the male courting the female. Consequently, it went to going steady—the relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend. In time, they decided to get married.

For Informant 6, she was touched by the persistence of her former husband when he courted her. In the end, she fell in love with him.

"Kasi niligawan niya ko, nain-love ako sa kanya, may mga kumare’t kumpare kami na nagttukso tukso sa’min. Pinupuntahan niya ko sa bahay, nasa Laguna siya, ako nasa Quezon City pumupunta naman siya. Ayun, nain-love."

[He was courting me, and then I fell in love with him. Our friends kept teasing us.

He would go to our house in Quezon City even if he lives in Laguna. I fell in love.]

The length of a steady relationship was also a factor in the decision to get married.

Because the two spent a long time in the relationship, the next step seemed to be marriage.

Informant 15 narrated, "Well, we were steady for 8 years. The decision to marry was of course, because of love and respect. College palang kasi kami siya na yung boyfriend ko." [When I was in college, he was already my boyfriend.]

Comparing the negotiation strategies and the informants' length of marriage, it seemed that those who had the cooperation negotiation strategy mostly had shorter lengths of marriage compared to those who utilized the conflict and avoidance strategy which dwelled on 10 to 15 years of marriage. Informally separated parents with developing strategies had varying lengths of marriage.

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For three cases, they made the decision to marry because of pregnancy. It can be inferred that even if there is no love, there can be an attraction between a man and a woman. Also, it was possible for the informants to be infatuated with each other and engage in sexual intercourse. This was the case for Informant 4 when he narrated, “Syempre araw-araw mo siyang kasama tapos kapag gabi after naming magtrabaho, andyan sya, kakain kami. Actually hindi naman nga develop eh, nagkalapit. Tapos ayun nga, may nangyari, nagkabunga yung pagsasama namin nun.” [I would see her everyday and during the night after we finish our jobs we would go out to eat. Actually, it didn’t develop (into love), we just became close.

Then something happened, our relationship bear fruit.]

As a result, marriage cames forth as a solution for accidental pregnancies since there is a stigma for teenage moms, engagement in premarital sex and its effect on the children. Especially in country where the people’s actions are governed by religion, it is a must for couples who have children to get married. Therefore, even though the couples themselves were not yet ready to get married, they were pressured by their parents to undergo matrimony. Informant 10 gave an account of his experience when he eloped with his girlfriend. Because of his girlfriend’s strict parents, they were forced to get married.

“Ito, ayaw sakin ng magulang niya parang tinanan ko siya. Dinala ko sa Batangas hanggang sa pinagkasundo nalang kami. Pinakasal kami nung parents niya.” [Her parents dislike me so I eloped with her. I brought her to Batangas until we reached an agreement. Her parents made us marry each other.]

Age was also mentioned as a reason for marrying a person. Especially when a person is on his or her late 20s to early 30s, it is the norm that they should be married, as this is the so-called "marrying age" and the peak for reproduction. This age range also is the time of maturity of a person in life. This was the case for Informant 7 and 6 in their decision to marry. They felt that they were getting old and that there was an urgent need

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to get married and start a family. Informant 7 added not having any obligations left for the family.

“Kasi 1 and a half year kami magboyfriend. I had a boyfriend ng 7 years hindi kami nagkatuluyan tapos ito yung sumunod na nagpropose. Kasi we getting into age already at that time so when I was 27 years old, ayun. 27. Pero siya, 32 na siya. Nasa States yung mga parents niya so graduate na yung youngest niyang kapatid, okay na siya. Ako rin, eldest. Okay na rin ako.” [We were together for one and a half year. I had a boyfriend for seven years but we didn’t end up together and he was the next person to propose marriage. We were also getting into age that time. I was 27 years old and he was 32 years old. His parents are in the States and his youngest sister already graduated so he’s okay (to get married).

As the eldest child, I was also ready (to get married)] -Informant 7 “Kasi syempre, magboyfriend kami nun, 1 year and a half tapos yun, syempre nasa edad na rin ako, 28 na ko, madami naman din akong naging boyfriend pero alam mo naman yun tumatanda na.” [We were boyfriend and girlfriend back then, we are together for 1 and half years and I was getting into age. I was 28. I had lots of boyfriends back then but you’re getting older.]

-Informant 6

Romantically speaking, informants somehow were seen to believe in "the one" or their so-called "Ms. or Mr. Right". Good qualities were cited as reason for marriage.

Since they saw the other person to have traits good for a life partner, they envisioned a happy relationship and see them to be together in a long term. Informant 13 noted her husband to be “mabait, maalalahanin tsaka maalaga” [kind, thoughtful and caring] that’s why she married him.

Reasons for marriage, or rather reasons for the relationship (for the unmarried partners), were love, qualities (such as being kind, caring, easy to talk to, easy to be with) of the former partner, age, pregnancy and parents. Comparing the informants’ reasons of marriage and the negotiation strategies they employed, the researchers found no relation between the aforementioned reasons and the informants’ negotiation strategies as the same reasons emerged regardless of negotiation strategy.

For married couples, most informally separated parents said it was their mutual

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decision to get married. In their relationship, they thought and planned about marriage when they were ready to start a family but initiator of marriage was not limited between the separated couples.

Other female informally separated parents also cited their former husbands to initiate the marriage. Since it is the males who usually do the proposal, it is normal for them to mention their ex to initiate the marriage.

“Mas matanda ako sa kanya ng 8 years, sabi n’ya baby face kaya siguro na love at first sight sa akin. Mabilis lang tas kami na...3 months lang s’ya nanligaw sa akin, tapos kami na, tapos mga 3 months ulit, nagpropose na s’ya sa akin.” [I am older than him for 8 years. He told me I looked young that’s why maybe he felt love at first sight with me. It was fast when we got steady… he courted me for three months, we became together, after three months he proposed marriage.]

-Informant 14

Parents were also found to have initiated marriage and it was possible (for 2 informants) to stay with someone they did not love for the sake of their child but there were no informants who related their negotiation strategy with who initiated the marriage or the relationship itself.

So, the researchers looked into the relationship between marriage initiator and the negotiation strategies of the informants and found that there was no association between them as the same responses emerged regardless of negotiation strategy The length of marriage for married informally separated parents ranged from 1 year to 21 years. The informants were married in various lengths. In this year range, most were still married from their 10th to 15th year of marriage. Two cases were married from 1 to 5 years and another two for 6 to 10 years. One informant was married until 16 to 21 years.

Having children is part of married life, or in cases of some of the informants, it is

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part of their cohabitation. The informants' number of children ranged from one to four children (1-4). Nine (9) informants only had one (1) child, six (6) had two (2) children, five (5) had three (3) children and only two (2) had four (4) children. There was also no informant who mentioned that the number of their children influenced their communication or negotiation with their former partner. The researchers had observed that the negotiation strategy of the separated parent did not differ despite the varied number of the informants’ children. Though this was the case, is important to note that those who employ the avoidance strategy had more number of children (2-4) compared with other strategies.

When it came to the informants’ children, the ages ranged from 3 years old to 29 years old. Most of the informants have children in the schooling age which ranged from 6 to 11 years old based on Erikson's Psychosocial Stages of Development (1950). Next in frequency were adolescents whose ages ranged from 12 to 18 years old. The age groups of the children were early adults (19-29), preschool age (which ranged from 4 to 5 years old), and the early childhood age (that ranged from 2 to 3 years old).

Though younger children were independent to their parents, this did not mean that parents can already avoid their responsibility or the other way around. The responses for the ages of children were scattered but those with the conflict and avoidance had relatively older children.

In terms of the sex of the informants’ children, most had either female or a mix of male and female children. Only three (3) informants had male children. Just like the ages of their children, the informants did not mind the sex of their children nor mentioned it when they were negotiating (or not in the case of those who used avoidance as a strategy)

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with their former partner. In terms of the sexes of children, parents who employed avoidance strategy had mixed (male and female) sexes as children while the in the other strategies there were varied responses.

C.

Experiences of Separation

It’s normal for couples to have problems; it’s just up to them whether to solve the problem and stay together or end the marriage and separate. While both parties should ideally initiate separations, that is, the informants and their former partners agreed to separate it was not the case for our informants. The informants initiated most of the separations; few were initiated by the informants’ former partners and by both parties; and, surprisingly, one was initiated by parents of the informant.

It follows that separations initiated by the informants or both parties were chosen and those initiated by former partners were by default. The researchers used aforementioned categories to label the reasons for separations: (1) by choice or initiated and (2) by default or uninitiated.

Separations would not be initiated without any reason; something this grave should have an explanation. When asked, the informants answered that the most common reason for separation are third parties and attitude of the former partner. Separations due to third parties did not necessarily mean that the split were only initiated by the informants because of knowing their former partners had affairs. In fact, some separations due to third parties were initiated by the informants’ former partners because of falling in-love with the mistresses.

“Umalis si Jansen, syempre pinuntahan nya yun babae. Tapos ako sumunod ako, sinabi sa akin kung san ko sila pupuntahan. So pinuntahan ko sila, tatlo kami. Magkatabi silang dalawa sa bed na nakaupo tapos pumili si Jansen,

63 pinili nya yung babae sa harapan ko. Sobrang iyak na ako ng iyak nun” [Jansen left, of course he went to the girl. Then I followed, I was told where to go. So I there, we were three. They were beside each other on the bed, sitting. The Jansen chose, he chose the girl in front of me. I cried so hard then.]

-Informant 1 “Nung nasa eroplano na ako tinawagan nya ako. Sabi nya, “Paalis ka na pala hindi mo man lang sinabi sa amin.” Sabi ko, “Para ano pa? Pagkatapos mong gawin yun? Nagpakatino ako para sa atin tapos gagawin mo pa yun?”

Parang narindi sya na ulit-ulit nalang yung sinasabi ko na nagpakatino ako.

Sabi nya, “Oo. Ginawa ko yun kasi hindi na ako masaya sayo.”[When I was already inside the plane, she called me. She said, “You’re leaving, you did not even tell me?” Then I said, “What for? After you did what you did? I changed for us but you still did that to me?” As if she got tired of me saying that I changed.

She said, “Yes. I did that because I’m no longer happy with you.]

-Informant 4

While third party separations may be initiated or uninitiated, separations because of the former partner’s attitude were all chosen by the informants because former partners were irresponsible, possessive, demanding and fond of gimmicking.

“She’s possessive na parang possessed na nga. She’s evil na talaga, she didn’t trust me at all. Hanggang best friend ko. My bestfriend since I was 2, sinabi n’ya sa akin, tinext n’ya. “’Wag na wag mo na kahit kelan ayain si informant 8.”” [She’s possessive like she’s possessed. She’s evil, she didn’t trust me at all. Even my bestfriend. My bestfriend since I was 2 who she texted, “Don’t ever ask informant 8 out again.”]

-Informant 8 “Ah, nung nangyari yon, parang nasasakal na ‘ko, pati iba yung pagpapalaki, hindi kami nagkasundo. Iba pagpapalaki sa’kin, iba yung pagpapalaki ng magulang niya. Iba yung parang… kultura.” [When that happened, I was stifling. I was brought up differently; she was brought up differently by her parents too. The culture was different.]

-Informant 10 “Kasi yun, sa 5 years na yun, sa 2 years palang, nakita ko na na irresponsible siya, oo. Puro barkada hindi na nagiisip, sabi ko nung nagttrabaho akong mag-isa, “nattrabaho ako gusto ko makatulong ako sa magulang ko ganyan, iniisip ko yun tapos makakapagasawa ako ng ganito?” Inisip ko yun, binigyan ko siya ng another chance. Nung magddalawang taon kasi, medyo humiwalay ako eh medyo mahirap kasi sa limang pagbubuntis ko, isa lang nabuhay, naimagine niyo yon? Dalawang kunan, dalawang namatay sa caesarian, wala siyang pagbabago sa mga pagbubuntis ko na yan.” [In those 5 years, 2 years of those 5 years, I already saw he was irresponsible. He was so engrossed with being with his friends. I told him when I was working alone, “I am working because I want to help my parents, the I married someone like you?”

I thought of that but I still gave him another chance. When we were nearing 2 years, I moved out because it was difficult for me. Out of 5 pregnancies, only one

64 lived. Imagine that? 2 died out of miscarriage and 2 died when I was giving birth.

He did not change despite the happenings.]

-Informant 6

Some reported that they did not love their former partners in the first place that’s why they initiated the separation.

“So nung time na yun, gulo pa ako kasi kung pakikisamahan ko sya na hindi ko naman siya mahal dahil lang sa anak naming, parang ang hirap, di ba?

So ang ginawa ko nung umuwi ko nun, nung manganak sya, hindi ako nagpakita sa kanya.”[So, that time, I was confused. I did not know if I should be with her because I don’t really love her and it was only because of or son. Isn’t it hard? So what I did when I went home, I did not visit her when she gave birth] -Informant 4

Other reasons for separations were vices, age, parents, and work. Vices did not only include drugs and alcohol but also girls and friends for some informants. Some informants also considered former partners who have vices as irresponsible. Sometimes, these vices lead to female informants being abused by their former husbands.

An informant who was young when she got pregnant noted that her young age back then might have influenced the separation. Also, one informant noted that his former wife (who happened to be young) was made to choose by her parents between him and his wife’s family. Informant 9 said, “’Yun nga, yung ayaw sa akin ng pamilya nya hanggang sa umabot na papipiliin sya ng nanay nya.” [Her family does not like me, her mother even asked her to choose between her family or me.]

“Sabi nung panganay, “Normal sa isang lalaki ang tikman ang alak, ganun, sigarilyo, nakatikim ng bisyo pero hindi dapat maging adik.” Tapos ‘yung pangalawa ano, may pagkarebelde s’ya sa tatay n’ya kasi lagi s’yang inaaway ng tatay n’ya.” [My eldest said, “It’s normal for guys to have a taste of alcoholic drinks, cigarettes, have a taste of vices but it should never go far as being an addict.” Then my second son rebelled because he always have fights with his father.]

-Informant 19 “‘Yung parang pinag-ano lang kami, pinagmatch. Hindi kasi, bata palang kasi ako nun, 14 years old lang ako. Tapos ayun, pinakasal kami.

Binaptismohan muna ako ng Iglesia bago kami ikasal kasi hindi ka pwede ikasal

65 sa Iglesia kung hindi ka kaanib ng Iglesia din.” [We were matched. I was young then, only 14 when we got married. I was baptized to be an Iglesia because we can’t be married if I’m not an Iglesia.]

-Informant 20

Some informants dwell with the aforementioned reasons of their separation while others put these aside. Those who could not forget why they separated with their former partners are hardly willing to communicate or cooperate with their exes while those who put the reasons aside are more likely willing to.

D.

Negotiation Strategies

This willingness was also evident in the communication of the informants with their former partners. Half of the informants had regular contact with their former spouse; these were individuals who used cooperation or conflict negotiation strategies. The other half had either rare communication or no communication at all with their former spouse.

Communication is not only about frequency of contact but also about the media used to communicate. There was no single medium used; almost all of the informants used a combination of media. A big majority of the informants communicate with their former spouse through face-to-face interaction and mobile phones. Others means are the internet, family, and friends of the informants or the former spouse.

“Oo (when asked if he sees his former spouse), kapag pumupunta ako doon. Madalas. Kapag kakain, ganon. Kapag bababa lang kasi sa kwarto. Once a week, kapag day off ko pumupunta ako.” [Yes, when I go there. Often. When we eat, when she’ll go down from her room. Once a week, if it’s my day off, I go there.]

-Informant 10 “Viber. Since nasa Australia s’ya, Viber. Pero nung nandito pa sila, through her mom.” [Since they are living in Australia, Viber. But when they were still here, through mom.]

-Informant 8 “Tapos ngayon free ang Facebook sa Globe tapos sya sa wi-fi. Kung

66 minsan naman yung kapatid ko dumarating dito. Yung asawa nya nagwi-wifi, dun kami nag-uusap.” [Now, Facebook is free for Globe users, he uses wi-fi.

Sometimes my sister comes here; her husband has a wi-fi. We talk there.]

-Informant 13

Through the use of media, the separated parents were able to talk about matters concerning their children. The researchers identified financial matters, legal matters, and parental responsibility matters as the important topics negotiated by former couples.

Informants saw financial matters as a parental responsibility, that is, parents are obliged to financially support the needs of their children.

There was obviously a need for informally separated parents to negotiate with their former spouses because of their children. Based on the literature, there are three negotiation strategies that separated individuals use to interact with their former spouses.

Another strategy emerged in the analysis of the focused interviews, so in total, there are four (4) strategies namely: ●

Cooperation Negotiation Strategy

●

Conflict Negotiation Strategy

●

Avoidance Negotiation Strategy

●

Developing Negotiation Strategy

These strategies are influenced by aforementioned factors (personal characteristics, experiences of marriage, experiences of separation, feelings toward former spouse, frequency of contact, means of contact, and willingness to solve child rearing matters). With regards to the emergent negotiation strategy, the researchers saw that there was a development of negotiation strategies unlike what was found in the literature that is the possibility to use multiple strategies simultaneously. The separated

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parents with developing strategies think of their children’s welfare and that cooperation is the best set-up during a separation.

1.

Cooperation Negotiation Strategy

The aforementioned finding was in agreement with the responses of the informants; all agreed that cooperation was indeed best and ideal for the children. But cooperation was not that easy to achieve because of factors influencing the informants’ choice of negotiation strategies. Past happenings must be set aside and the focus on resolving child-rearing matters must prevail over these happenings.

Focus on resolving problems is characterized by communication with former spouse and willingness to resolve child-rearing matters (i.e., financial matters, legal matters, and parental responsibility matters). Most of the informants who used cooperation as a strategy had frequent contact with their former spouse. While others had rare, there was still the willingness to negotiate on child-rearing matters.

As parents, the most important child rearing matter for the informants was parental responsibilities. For that matter, separated parents should make their presence felt by the children and that children should feel loved despite the separation. Financial matters, though deemed as part of parental responsibility, were only secondary.

Informants got to practice their parental responsibilities by bonding with their children and to talking with them on how they were doing. Also, informants usually called to talk to the kids, give advice, discipline, give them pasalubong, play games, and go out with them. Informant 12 said, “Siguro sa kalusugan ng bata, diba kasi siya yung nagaalaga. Tinatanong ko kung ano kung may sakit, ano ginagawa.” [I ask if the kids are

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okay, if they are sick, what is she doing. Our kid is with her.] Also, Informant 10 said, “Ikukumusta ko, sasabihin ko kamusta, ano ginagawa nung mga bata. Kumain na ba sila, kumain na ba kayo?” [I ask if the kids are okay, what are they doing, have they eaten, have you eaten?]

Attendance on school events was also a topic of discussion regarding parental responsibilities. “It runs around like, “Hey, si ganito is heading the prayer at his school’s graduation day. Ganun, you wanna come? Or I can text your mom?”[It runs around like, “Hey, he is heading the prayer at his school’s Graduation Day, you wanna come? Or I can text you mom?] –Informant 12 However, an informant said that he cannot fulfill his parental responsibilities with his child because he has limited access to their child or is not allowed to see the child. In this case, the informant is cooperative but his former partner is not.

“Itong taon kasi yung bata nakita ko last year pa. May dinala sa akin yung biyenan ko nung nagkasakit ako. Kumbaga, hindi ko nagagampanan yan kasi nga eh ayaw ipakita”. [Last year was the last time I saw my child. My mother-in-law brought me something because I was sick. Simply, I can’t take on my role because I am not allowed to see him.]

-Informant 11

Financial matters were all about the financial support for the child, tuition fee, basic needs, allowance, etc. One unemployed and student informant only gave financial support if he has extra money, however, most of the time his parents give financial support to his children. It was also found that whether male informants were obliged or not [by their wives], they were more than willing to provide what they can for the children.

“Although walang verbal agreement just kind of intindihan lang. If you’re going to carry on like this, I’m only going to support this much. Pero I guess, little by little you know, dati kasi yung mga request niya is just half of football lessons. Parang I’m going to put our kid to football school. Can you half

69 the tuition with me? Ngayon, it’s I’m going to put him to karate school, can you pay for all of it?”[There’s just understanding between us, no verbal agreement. If you’re going to carry on like this, I’m only going to support this much. But I guess, little by little you know. In the past, her requests were half of football lessons, I was going to put our kid to football school. Can you half the tuition with me? Now, it’s I’m going to put him to karate school, can you pay for all of it?]

-Informant 12 “It’s not really me that supports, it’s my parents. I don’t have work pa kasi I’m still a student. May sinettle na account, may sinettle na budget na si Pearl ang gumawa like ganito kelangan for food blablabla down to the last cent”.

[It’s not really me that supports, it’s my parents. I don’t have work pa kasi I’m still a student. Pearl settled an account, there was a settled budget, everything was laid out, this is what we need for food, etc. down to the last cent.]

-Informant 8

When it came with legal matters, there was a limitation. It was only for those who can afford to. Informal separation is common since there is no divorce in the Philippines.

Informants were only used to verbal agreements of separation and they were okay with that kind of setup. Only one (1) informant made a legal move on custody and financial support. His ex-wife made a proposal; however, informant 8 only had limited rights so he found another lawyer to counter the proposal.

“He (referring to their family lawyer) helped us draft a fair custody arrangement. Kasi what happened was sa custody na dinraft nila very limited ‘yung rights ko as a dad... I mean, all issues regarding education ganyan would be decided by the mother tapos ‘yung sa akin ako ‘yung financial aid daw.” [He helped us draft a fair custody arrangement. What happened was, the custody drafted by their lawyer gives me very limited rights as a dad… I mean, the mother would decide all issues regarding education then mine was financial aid.]

-Informant 8

Informants who used cooperation as a negotiation strategy discussed child-rearing matters through media, most common was through face-to-face and other means are secondary such as mobile phones and the Internet. Informant 12 even said that personal communication should be done when discussing money matters.

“Yung financial support, it’s still personal kasi money matters yan eh.

It’s parang you know, ‘pahingi naman money” in a text. Di ba? Like breaking up with someone through text” [Financial support is still personal because money

70 is involved. Asking money through text is like breaking up with someone through text.]

“Mine-meeting ko yan dati eh, even now. Kunwari merong medyo malaking pagkakagastusan I ask him out for a dinner tapos I plan with him yung basta listahan. Kunwari, hindi ka nakabayad dito, utang mo ‘to sakin. Kunwari sa school or school bus, utang niya yan sakin.” [In the past, I even meet him. For instance, there is a big expense coming, I ask him out for dinner then I plan the list with him. For example, he was not able to contribute for a time, he would owe me.]

-Informant 7

Figure 3. Informally Separated Parents who are separated by distance and work’s use of the Cooperation Negotiation Strategy

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When negative feelings were set aside and the informants focused on negotiating the needs of their children, then, there was cooperation. That is, reasons for separation were not entirely an issue anymore for the informants. The researchers also found that the informants tried to understand their former spouse when they cannot fulfill every responsibility they have. “If he has extra money, he gives gifts saming dalawa. Ganun tapos ang sagot niya, tuition fee ng anak ko. Tapos hindi siya nagkukulang…” [If he has extra money, he gives gifts for the two of us and he pays for our child’s tuition fee. There was no neglect.] –Informant 7 “Hindi naman niya ko ino-obligang magbigay eh. Kapag lang kunwari may ipabibili yung anak ko sakin binibigyan ko. Kusa ako, magbibigay ako ng kusa ko. Sasabihin ko, may pinadala ako, kunin mo nalang. Ganyan.” [She does not oblige me to give, it’s just when my children wants something. I voluntarily support them. I’ll say if I’ll send money and I’ll ask her to get it.]

-Informant 10

Informants found it easy to talk with their former spouses since there were no expectations from their exes unlike when they were still in a relationship. This finding affirmed Grebe’s and Hansen’s (1985) finding that parenting arrangements are easy to settle with former spouses who are co-parenting. Informally separated parents with the cooperation strategy who did not reside with their children frequently visit the household of their former spouses to see their children. Simply, cooperation may be influenced by family-related factors (personal characteristics, experiences of marriage, and experiences of separation), focus on negotiating child rearing matters, and positive feelings toward the former spouse.

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2.

Conflict Negotiation Strategy

The conflict negotiation strategy is complicated. It is when individuals focus on resolving child rearing matters and try to set aside negative feelings toward their former spouses yet still being influenced by these feelings. To operationalize, it is when individuals communicate to their former spouse (either rare or regular and use means to communicate) and are willing to negotiate child-rearing matters, but are still greatly influenced by negative feelings.

In this negotiation strategy, focus on resolving problems was almost the same as cooperation. Specifically, there was still communication between informants and their former spouses though less frequent compared to cooperation. It ranged from once or twice a month to once or twice a year. Informant 21 even gave an approximate time of contact with former spouse and only mentioned “once in a blue moon”. On the other hand, informant 17 regularly communicated with his ex-wife once a week.

“Siguro mga once a week. kailangan ko syang makausap kasi kunwari may kailangan yung anak namin sa school, kino-confirm ko. Minsan ang ginagawa nung bata, sinasabi nya, kausapin ko nanay nya. Sabi ko ayaw ko.”

[Probably once a week, I need to talk to her to confirm my child’s needs for school. Sometimes, what my son does, he tells me to talk to his mom. I tell him I don’t want to.]

-Informant 17

Clearly, negative feelings were still influential for the informant, he added, “Naiinis ako kapag kinakausap ko sya. Yung ginagawa nya, kinakagalit ko. Hindi nya inaamin yung mali nya, nagmamatigas sya, magmamatigas ako...

In other words, ayaw ko ng magtry.” [I get irritated when I am talking with her.

I get mad with what she does. She does not admit her faults. If she stands her ground, I will too. In other words, I don’t want to try.]

-Informant 17

It does not mean that being influenced by negative feelings toward the former spouse is fruitless. The fact that informants, who used conflict as negotiation strategy,

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tried to negotiate child-rearing matters with their former spouses despite being affected by negative feelings was the willingness that the researchers look for in this negotiation strategy. Informants tried to focus despite feelings of anger. Informant 16 said, “Napagisip-isip ko bakit pa ko magagalit magkakasakit lang ako. Tsaka andyan na eh, wala na kong magagawa, bakit pa ko magwawala tsaka nakakahiya. Kaya sabi ko nga kay Lord, hindi ito ang buhay na pinili ko.” [I realized, why would I be mad? My head will just hurt [when I dwell on it]. Also, it’s there, I can do nothing about it. Why will I lose control? Besides, it’s shameful. I told the Lord, this is not the life I chose.]

Another example was when Informant 15 conversed with her ex-husband; she said that he had the tendency to bring back past issues that usually led to fights. Given the abovementioned instance, Informant 15 opted to talk to her former spouse through text in order to avoid fights during face-to-face meetings. She said, “Text din. Kasi nga kapag face-to-face, kailangan meron akong pulis na naka-abang. Kasi he has a tendency na umiinit yung ulo niya”. [Also through text. When there is face-to-face communication, there’s need for a police to stand-by. He has a tendency to be angry.]

There was no difference with the priority of parental responsibilities over financial and legal matters. But in conflict, though there was recognition that parental responsibility matters are most important, financial matters were most focused on.

Informant 15 noted that she received financial support from her ex-spouse who agreed to pay for the education of their kids. She, then, covered every expense aside from education of their children. For Informant 21, she did not want contact her ex at first until she needed help to cover the financial expenses of the family. It was also similar with Informant 15; there was a sense of demand when she talked with her former spouse.

“I decided na kung hindi naman niya nakita, ako na rin ang manghihingi ng obligasyon ng pagbabayad. Pero panahon na rin na magkita na rin sila. That time nung wala naman siyang na-spare ewan ko kinakapos din yata. Ayun, binigyan ko siya ng ultimatum, sige ayaw mo mabigay lalapit ako sa office mo.”

74 [I decided if he does not see his child, I will ask for financial support. It’s time that they meet and that time, he had nothing to spare. He was short of money. I gave him an ultimatum, if you won’t give financial support, I’ll go to your office.]

-Informant 21 “First few years we separated, nada. He never gave a single centavo. So, I’m asking for support but he never gave. Until such time na sinabi ko, “you have to support one of the kids, at least yung education man lang.” The food, shelter, yung bahay ako nagbibigay, yung lahat ng ginagamit nung mga bata sakin yon.

Initially, he was defensive. I was even asking, ‘you have to share for food, you have to share for electricity, you have to share for the house kung saan tumitira yung mga anak mo.’” [He never gave a single centavo for the first few years we separated. So, I’m asking for support but he never gave until such a time I told him, “You have to support one of the kids, at least education.” I provide for the food, the shelter, and the things that the children use. Initially, he was defensive.

I was even asking, “You have to share for food, you have to share for electricity, you have to share for the house where your children live.]

-Informant 15

For Informant 17, he and his former wife had 50-50% division of the finances until his ex cut their communication. His wife, now, demanded that he should handle the school expenses of the child.

“She didn’t give me an option. Dati kasi 50-50, we share school expenses, basic needs, basically lahat 50-50. Ngayon dahil 3 years na kinut nya ang communication sa akin, so wala akong means, and then this school year na nag-usap kami ulit ang offer niya sa akin, kailangan mo bumawi sa anak mo, ikaw na sa school.” [She did not give me an option. Before we share the expenses equally, basic needs, basically everything 50-50. Now, because it has been 3 years since she cut communication, this school year she told me to shoulder my son’s school because I need to make-up for my faults.]

-Informant 17

Informants who used conflict as a negotiation strategy did not prioritize parental responsibility matters. Informant 15 mentioned that she did not talk about parental responsibilities with her former husband. She said that it was her kids who invite their Dad to social gatherings and school events.

“It’s the children who would say na may program sila. Kasi, ayun.

Mama ikaw nalang ang pumunta. Ikaw ang gustong pumunta. Yun ang sasabihin ng mga bata. Kapag hindi naman ako pupwede, you ask your Dad if he can come.”[It’s the children who would inform him if they have a program. Mama, go to the program.

75 They want you to go. That’s what the children would say. If I can’t, I tell them, you ask your dad if he can come.]

-Informant 15

Informant 15’s children decided which parent they want to accompany them to their school activities. This was also the case for Informant 21 whose former partner gave their kids a mobile phone in order to talk to the (the kids) because Informant 21 did not want any contact with him. On the other hand, Informant 16 told her ex that he should go whenever there are school activities. These can be talked over lunch and visits to the child.

“Oo, sinabi ko sa kanya na kapag may mga activities yung mga anak mo, dapat andoon ka. Pumupunta naman siya. Tsaka nung kami umuwi, umalis kami dito, pumupunta rin naman yung asawa ko doon sa bahay nila. Kasi tumira din kami sa bahay nila lalo na nung may sakit yung hipag ko dumadalaw siya doon pero umaalis din.” [Yes, I told him that he should be there if his children have activities and he does. Another, when we went home, we left, my husband was also visiting their house. We lived in their house when my sister-in-law was sick and he visits.]

-Informant 16

Not every conflicting separated parent had the same situation as Informant 17, non-residential parents go to school events to support their child and go out to bond.

However, Informant 17 felt unsatisfactory with this set-up because his ex must be present before he can bond with his child. He wanted an alone-time with his son.

“I mean, hindi nya ako kelangan all the time nandun ako. Specially pagkapanganak nya, growing up, pero... Kapag kinukuha ko sya (referring to son), hindi lang naman sa akin, may kasama kami. So wala pa talaga kaming bonding na one-on-one. Ang bonding lang naming na one-on-one is kapag umuuwi kami na nagcocommute lang kami, yun lang.” [I mean, she does not need me all the time when I am there. Especially when she gave birth, growing up, but… When I borrow my son, we don’t have an alone time. So we haven’t had a one-on-one bonding time yet. Our only one-on-one bonding time is when we commute going home.]

-Informant 17

This also said something about Informant 17’s uneasiness whenever his former wife was around.

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Legal matters were not focused on or are not talked about at all. Informants thought of legal matters but would not push through with it. They only had an agreement on how to do things and just gave how much can. Only one informant in the conflict negotiation strategy brought up annulment to make the separation legal. However, the other party did not want to share the expenses for legal matters since it’s expensive.

“Actually hindi pa natatapos ang usapan namin diyan eh. I have to admit I was the one, ako talaga yung humingi ng separation. Dahil ako yung humingi ng separation, ine-expect niya ako yung magfi-file. Eh because of the court, malaking pera din yun eh 200,000 din yon, diba. I wouldn’t want to spend 200,000 him, di ba? Gusto magshare 100 thousand sakin. Ayaw naman niya.”

[Actually, we still haven’t settled that issue. I have to admit I was the one to ask for the separation. And because of that, he expects me to file for annulment.

Because of the court, it’s large money, almost 200,000. I wouldn’t want to spend 200,000 for him. I want us to share, 100,000’s mine but he did not want to.]

-Informant 15 “Hindi naman kami umabot sa legal, so wala akong legal obligation.

Ang gagawin ko lang, what is enough for me that I can share ibibigay ko. Kasi ang nangyayari, halos wala ng natitira sa akin, yung pang everyday (expenses) ko nalang tapos the rest dapat mapunta sa bata. So it’s not practical for me.”[We did not talk about legal, so I don’t have legal obligations. All I would do, what is enough for me that I can share, I will. What happens now, there’s hardly something left for me for my everyday expenses, the rest is for my son so it’s not practical for me.]

-Informant 17

3.

Avoidance Negotiation Strategy

For avoidance negotiation strategy, individuals were still influenced by negative feelings toward their former spouse. That is, somehow, they still dwelled on the reasons for their separation. And as the name implies, this negotiation strategy is characterized by avoidance. Sometimes, it became harder to put aside negative feelings especially when it is not talked about. Informant 20 said that, it is better if she was in good terms with her former husband, “Syempre, para mapanatag ang loob mo, syempre gusto mong magkaayos kayo.” [Of course, to have peace of mind, you want to fix things up.]

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On the other hand, Informant 22 was still hung-up with his former wife’s abandonment. He said, “Umalis siya. Iniwan niya kami. May iba nang kinakasama. Buti nalang nasa akin ang mga anak ko, ako ang nagpapalaki. Ganun. Iniwan sa’kin. Wala naman siyang ginawa basta iniwan… Wala na talaga (referring to parental responsibilities). Hindi na nagagampanan eh. Wala na sa mga anak niya, kahit kamustahin wala eh.” [She left, she left us. She had a lover. At least, my children are with me, I took care of them. She left them with me. She didn’t care, she just left. There’s no parental responsibilities; she cannot fulfill her part. No parental responsibility to her children, nor catching up.]

-Informant 22

By avoidance, the researchers mean that there is no communication between former couples. And it follows that when there is no communication between separated couples, negotiation regarding child-rearing matters never happened.

Having no communication with former partners did not necessarily mean that the informants did not have means to communicate with their former spouse. Some can communicate with their former spouse but chose not to while others cannot find was how to contact their former spouse (despite accessibility to means of contact). One strategy employed by an informant using avoidance was letting the child talk with her former husband to avoid contact. Informant 12 said, “Ayoko kasi ng communication talaga totally. So kapag gusto n’yang makita ‘ yung anak n’ya, kamustahin n’ya may cellphone ‘yung bata dun n’ya tawagan.”[I don’t want communication (with former spouse). So whenever he wants to see his child; the child has a cell phone, he can call him.]

Lack of communication between former couples also meant that financial and parental responsibility matters were heavily shouldered by the residential parent. This, being the case; informants who live with their children did their best to play both the father and the mother for their children.

Informants 18 and 19 were the breadwinners of their families because their

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spouses or partners stopped the communication between them. Hence, there was no financial support from their exes. However, one informant knew that his former husband was unemployed so she did not expect any help from him from the start.

“Lahat sa akin, sikap at tiyaga.Nung doon ako sa probinsya ang ginagawa ko nun marami kaming malagkit. Naglalako ako ng mga suman, bananaque, camoteque. ‘Yan ang ginagawa ko para magkapera, ba, puro naman barya ang pera ko. ‘Yan ang pinapabaon ko sa anak ko bago pumasok ng school.”

[I shouldered everything. When we were still in the province, what I did, I sold rice cakes. I sold suman, bananaque, and camoteque. Those were what I did to have money, those were my children’s allowance.]

-Informant 18 “Ako totally lahat. Sa pera, talagang totally, since naghiwalay kami ako lahat ang nagshoulder. Syempre kelangan ng mga bata ng pera, dahil sa school na nag-aaral. Hindi ko naman masabi na wala silang ama dahil napupuntahan naman nila ‘yung ama nila anytime. Pero pagdating sa pera, ako lahat ang nagshoulder. Okay naman ako sa ganun para wala s’yang masumbat kasi wala naman talaga s’yang bibigay, kulang pa sa kanya ‘yung kita n’ya.” [I shouldered totally everything. Financial, mine, when we separated I shouldered everything.

Of course, the children need money because they study. I can’t really say that they have no father since they can visit their father anytime but when it comes to money matters; it was I who shouldered everything. I was okay with that so he can’t blame me because he didn’t give anything. His income is also short for himself.]

-Informant 19

Residential parents who employed avoidance as their negotiation strategy waited for their former spouse to contact them and voluntarily offer their help but their former partners did not communicate with them. Informant 19 said, “None. Hindi, kumbaga wala s’yang pakiaalam. Walang s’yang pakiaalam. Kumbaga sa moral support, kung anong nangyayari, wala, as in wala”. [None. He did not care. In terms of moral support, what happens, nothing at all.]

Wala, hindi naman niya hinahanap. Kumbaga kung may pagmamahal pa siya sa mga anak niya edi sana kahit kamustahin niya eh wala rin. May number ko naman naman s’ya hindi tumatawag. Oo, nung gusto niya ako ang tumawag kaso kung tumatawag naman ako parang wala din. Di niya sinasabi ang number. Parang wala talaga, wala siyang paki sa mga anak niya. Parang ayaw maki-komunikasyon sa amin. Sakin, yung makita niya mga anak niya. Kung gusto niya mga anak niya na gampanan ang pagiging nanay niya eh, maganda sana kung ganoon. Eh wala eh.

Parang balewala sa kanya. Balewala. Kahit ni kamusta naman kayo, kamusta mga

79 anak ko, wala eh. [Nothing, she did not look for them. If she still loved her children, she will catch up on things but there was nothing. She has my number but she did not call. There was a time when she wanted me to call; when I did it was for nothing. She doesn’t give her number. It’s like she did not even care for her children. I feel she doesn’t want to communicate with us. If she wants to see her children and play her role as a mother, it would be good if that’s the case but there was nothing. She did not care.]

-Informant 22

With the responses of the informants, the researchers found that with avoidance, income and residence of the children were considered. Income was a consideration because of the capacity to provide. When residential parents who used avoidance as a strategy knew their former partners cannot financially support their children; they did not bother to communicate with their former spouse. This is the same for non-residential parents who did not want [even try to] communicate or share finances with the former spouse because of low income. Informant 20 said, “Wala, basta ‘yung mga anak ko nasa kanya, s’ya na bahala sa lahat ng mga pangangailangan.” [Nothing, my children were with him; he’s in charge of every expense.]

Also, for some of the informants who employed avoidance said that their children were looking for the non-residential parent once they already noticed that they only had one parent. Simply, when children who did not see the other parent mature, they tried to look for the nonresidential parent. Informant 20 said, “Nung dalaga at binata na sila nun nalang kami nagkita. Tapos ngayon, pinupunthan nila ako nung nakita na nila ako.”

[When they grew up, that was the only time we saw each other. Now, they visit me.]

“Pinupuntahan naman s’ya ng mga anak ko. Kunwari walang trabaho, kung walang pagkain sinusuportahan. Minsan humihingi sa akin ‘yung mga anak ko tapos ibibigay sa kanya.” [My children visit him. If he doesn’t have a job, no food, my children supports him. Sometimes my children ask from me then they’ll give it to their father.]

-Informant 19

As for legal matters, it was not talked about by informants who used avoidance as

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negotiation strategies. One informant, though, asked for a legal counsel but did not opt to follow what the lawyer said. “‘Yung kuya ko sa Amerika, kasi sabi n’ya kumausap s’ya ng abogado kasi maghihiwalay sana kami talaga ng legal. Eh ‘yun ang sinabi ng abogado, kung idedemanda namin, kung mag-uusap kami na may abogado, kelangan naming maghati sa bata. Ayaw ko naman nun.”[My brother in America, he talked to a lawyer and told me, the real plan was we will separate legally but the lawyer said that if I filed a suit against my former husband, if we’ll talk legally, we need to divide the children. I don’t want that.]

-Informant 19

While residential parent informants also thought that non-residential parents did not care about their children, one non-residential parent expressed her regret of not being there for her children.

“Syempre, ‘yung alagaan mo sila. ‘Yung mabibigay mo sana ‘yung kung anong kailangan nila, na hindi ko naibigay. Eh ngayon na pumapasyal sila sa akin, naunawaan naman nila ang sitwasyon ko. Ngayon na malaki na sila, naintidihan na nila kung ano ‘yung nangyari. Hindi ko man sila nakita dati, iniisip ko pa rin sila. Sana ‘yun, alam nila”. [Of course, you wish to take care of them. You wish to give them what they want but I cannot. Now that they visit me, they understand my situation. Now that they are already grown-ups, they already understand what happened. Even I did not see them in the past, I still think of them. I hope they know that.]

-Informant 20

4.

Developing Negotiation Strategy

The researchers found developing strategy as a combination of aforementioned negotiation strategies. The informally separated parents experimented on what was the best strategy for them. Having developing strategies did not necessarily start with avoidance to conflict to cooperation; it can also go as avoidance to cooperation or conflict of cooperation. In case the feelings took over the focus on resolving problems, the negotiation may deteriorate to conflict and further to avoidance (as the case of one informant).

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With informants who used developing strategies, the researchers clearly saw the transition how they were able to arrive at their current negotiation strategy. Also, the researchers saw how negative feelings toward former spouses were set aside to prioritize the needs of the children.

For instance, when it came to financial matters, one informant wanted to compensate for the years he was not able to provide for his child. He went from avoidance to conflict and then to cooperation with his former wife. The child was with his former wife’s relatives because he and his former wife were OFWs. “Para sa anak ko lang, kung ano pa yung pwede ko pang ibigay after 4 years na wala ako sa tabi nya… Tsaka gusto ko kada papadalan ko sila ng pera gusto ko may resibo okaya katibayan na pinadalan ko sila. Para in case na balikan nila ako, hindi nila masasabi na pinabayaan ko yung anak ko.” [For my child; (I want to give) whatever I can give after 4 years of not being there to support him. I want receipts whenever I send money or any proof that I sent money. In case they blame me, they can’t say that I did not support my child.]

-Informant 4

Another informant who went from avoidance to cooperation said that she did not want to ask for financial support anymore because her former husband had other priorities already and cannot provide for their child. To contextualize this, at first, she did not communicate with her former husband and did not let him see their child. Later on, when Informant 1 asked for monetary support, her husband cannot provide. She told the researchers later on the interview that parental responsibility such as being there to talk to her child is more important than monetary support. Here’s what she said about financial support of her former husband.

“Actually, kasi ako, pride ko na rin siguro yun. Hiningan ko sya, nung naghiwalay kami hinihingan ko talaga sya kaso lang palagi naman syang walang binibigay. So ano pa? Di hindi nalang ako hihingi para kapag dumating yung panahon ng isip ng bata, wala syang maiisusumbat sa akin.” [Actually, it was my pride. I asked for support when we separated but he cannot provide every

82 time I asked. So, what for? I won’t ask for support so when the time comes that our child could already understand, she cannot blame me.]

-Informant 1

Though financial matters were important for separated parents, parental responsibilities remained to be the top concerns of separated parents who used developing strategies. One informant said that she did not want to deprive her child of the time she could have with her father.

“Nung una matagal bago kami nagkita ulit. Di ba naghiwalay kami?

Siguro isang taon bago n’ya ulit nakita si Kylie. Tapos ako naman ayaw ko naman na ipagkait sa anak ko ‘yung moment nila nung daddy nya. Baka mamaya paglaki nung anak ko, kahit alam nya na may kasalanan yung daddy nya sa akin at hindi ko pinagbigyan ‘yung gusto n’yang makita ‘yung daddy nya baka isumbat sa akin. Ayaw ko naman. Di after a year pumayag ako, nagtetext sya sa akin eh. Tas ayun, naging okay naman.” [It took time before we saw each other again, probably a year before he saw Kylie again. I did not want to deprive my daughter of her moments with her daddy. I fear that when my child grows up, even she knows that her father did something wrong and I did not let her see her dad, she will blame me. I don’t want that. So after a year, I agreed. He texts me, then it became okay.]

-Informant 1

This was reinforced by what another informant said. She thought that the role of her former husband as a father was still essential even their children were first mad at him.

To give some background to the story, she went from conflict to cooperation. First, being mad about her former husband for having an affair then she realized later on that it was important for her ex-husband to play his role as a father. She even convinced her children that to share the same belief. .

“Pero ngayon wala na din ‘yon (referring to past happenings), para rin kasi sa mga anak namin. Basta ako naman sinabihan ko ang mga anak ko…

Hindi ko kayo pinipigilan sa kanya, [sabi ko,] tatay niyo rin naman siya. Kung ano man ang nangyari sa amin, ‘wag niyo kakalimutan magulang niyo pa rin ‘yan; kung di dahil sa kaniya wala kayo ngayon. Ganiyan ang sinabi ko sa mga anak ko.” [Now, I don’t care. It’s for the children also. I tell my kids, “I don’t hinder you from visiting your dad; he is still your dad. Whatever happened between us, do not forget that he is still your parent. If not for him, you are not here.” That’s what I tell my kids.]

-Informant 2

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Aside from being there to morally support the children, parental responsibility also included attending programs for the children. One informant noted that she informs her former husband whenever their child has a program.

“Kung may program si Sam... Kasi yung anak ko may workshop. Kapag may mga palabas siya, eto nga sa Music Museum tetext ko siya. Ano, pupunta ka ba? Pag sinabi niyang hindi, edi hindi, pag sinabi niyang oo, edi oo. Sabi ko, sige pumunta ka na rito. Ganun.” [ If Sam has a program… My daughter has a workshop. When she has recitals, like this one in Music Museum, I’ll text him.

“Will you go?” When he tells me he can’t, I understand. When he tells me he could, it’s okay. I say, “Okay, go here.”]

-Informant 3

As what had been mentioned, informants with developing strategies had clear transitions from their past negotiation strategy to their present. For example, legal matters were also related to financial matters because of the financial responsibility of the former partner. One informant, who was not contented with her former partner’s financial support, suggested making it legal. This was the case when her former spouse was still avoiding the responsibility to their child, but now, she learned to accept that her former husband cannot financially support their child.

“Ako lang nakaisip nun, sinabi ko lang sa kanya. Sabi ko, “Tutal, hindi ka naman nagbibigay talaga. Puro ka pangako. Gusto mo ipakorte nalang naten to? Kukuha ako ng abugado.” Eh wala rin naman syang pangkuha ng abogado.

Tsaka kahit pigain ko sya, kahit ano pang gawin sa kanya wala rin syang mabibigay. So ang feeling ko magsasayang lang din ako ng pera sa kukunin kong abugado.” [I just thought of that. I told him, “You do not stay true to your promises, you don’t really give (financial support)/. Would you want to settle this in court? I’ll get a lawyer. He cannot afford a lawyer and whatever I do, he can’t give me anything. I felt that it would be such a waste of money if I as for legal counsel.]

-Informant 1

Also, as the case for all informants (except 1), legal matters were not seen as priority matters to be negotiated. Informant 5 said, “Nung una, ay wala, nabanggit lang pero hindi ‘yung talagang tuloy. Walang pera. Di ba, magastos din eh.” [It was just mentioned but was not considered. We have no money, it’s expensive.] Another legal

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matter that was put forward by one informant was the want to legally separate with his former wife. This may not be about their child but the informant saw this important; though not as important as his parental responsibilities.

“Ang gusto kong gawin ngayon, ibigay ko yung kailangan ng anak ko tapos madivorce kami at magkaroon na ako ng bagong buhay na ito nga sa girlfriend ko. At sya rin naman, kelangan din nya mag-asawa, magpakasal.”

[What I want to do now, give my son whatever he needs then we (he and his former wife) divorce. I want to have a new life with my current girlfriend. And she (referring to her former wife) also needs to find someone, marry.]

-Informant 4

One informant who went from using conflict to avoidance strategy noted that this was because of the deterioration of her former husband’s willingness to cooperate. Also, it was noticeable that because of this, she got disappointed and did not want to negotiate child rearing matters anymore.

“Kung sa’kin nga, ayoko na din. Kung kahit sa mga bata, between them, sila nalang yung magusap o magkaroon ng agreement. Di ba? Baka kasi kapag sa’kin, eh pera yun eh, nainvolve ka. Sila nalang kasi mas maririnig niya yung mga needs ng mga bata. Ayun. Oo. Oo! Lagi nga sila yung nagre-reach out eh.

Hinahanap siya diba? Hindi naman nagpaparamdam. Nito lang Christmas. Yun lang yung time. Tinext siya, enrollment diba? November, naghahanap sila ng pang-enroll sa Daddy nila and pang tuition. Last minute, hindi talaga siya sumasagot.” [I don’t want to talk to him. Let it be between the kids and him. Let them talk or have an agreement. I’m afraid that if it comes from me, it involves money, you get involved. I let them negotiate so he can hear the needs of the children. My children always reach out, they look for him but he isn’t present.

Just last Christmas, that was the only time. They texted him because it was time for enrollment. November, they were asking for tuition fee from their dad, up to the last minute, he did not reply.

-Informant 5

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E.

Effects of Negotiation Strategies

The entirety of the separation took its toll on both the separated individuals and their children. By entirety, the researchers mean, the duration from the break-up of the former couples up to the present that included their negotiation strategies.

1.

On Informally Separated Parents

There were various effects of separation on the informally separated parents themselves. While the effects mentioned were mostly negative, the informants also cited some positive effects. Negative effects included depression, sadness, financial problems, longing for the child, longing for ex-spouse, and anger. Positive effects included good life conditions due to good relationship and freedom.

EFFECTS OF SEPARATION ON THE INFORMALLY SEPARATED PARENTS Positive Effects Good life conditions due to good relationship Freedom

Neutral Longing for the child Longing for ex-spouse

Negative Effects Depression Sadness Financial problems Anger

Parental roles and responsibilities were impaired at the same time as the occurrence of the separation. Then, instances of non-support of the other parent usually happened. There were times that the roles and responsibilities (as a parent) were abandoned especially for non-residential parents. Because of this, custodial parents then had the burden of supporting their children. This finding reinforced McIntosh’s (2009) study that financial and economic stress can occur with separated parents. The literature also mentioned that females are more economically distressed than males in separation.

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Even informants with the cooperation negotiation strategy had financial problems.

When informants who used cooperation strategy were not able to provide for their children, they tried to compensate this by fulfilling their parental responsibilities.

Some cooperating separated parents were satisfied with their negotiation on financial matters while others just felt fine because they did not have the capacity to fully commit in supporting their children. The reason for satisfaction was good relationship with their former spouses; hence, the former couples were friends and assumed parental responsibilities to the children. Those who were not able to fully support their children tried to be at par with the other parent through other means (e.g. parental responsibilities).

Others felt difficulty in supporting their children. Informant 9 asserted, “Mahirap. Kaya nga nagpalit ako ng trabaho at lugar kasi lalo na naisip ko na pagtungtong ng mga pagaaral nila, hindi na talaga kasya yung ibibigay ko.” [It’s difficult. That’s why I changed my job and residence because I thought about their education; the amount that I can give won’t be enough for them].

Informants 15 and 21 who used the conflict negotiation strategy were content with their negotiation regarding financial matters because they were able to handle the finances of their children and they saw their kids were compensated well. However, although they had the monetary capacity for financial support, they still wanted their former partners to share the children’s expenses. Informant 15 only received support for the education of one of their child, she mentioned, “Right now, yes okay naman ako. Pero syempre kung magbibigay siya, why not? Relatively, okay lang ako. Satisfied but I will be more satisfied if he is going to support. But right now, wala na kong makukuha sa kanya other than the education of one child.” [Right now, I’m okay, but of course, if he will give money, why not? Relatively, I’m okay. Satisfied but I will be more satisfied if he

87 is going to support. But right now I’m only getting educational support for my one child.]

-Informant 15

Informant 17 was not satisfied because he had no control of the finances’ allocation and his ex-wife dictated the amount of his contribution.

“Nakipag-usap siya ng maayos. Ako naman sige, sabi ko tuition lang hindi na other school expenses pero wala akong choice. So nag-agree nalang ako para magkasundo kami kahit hindi ko gusto... It’s just… There was no other option.”[We talked in an orderly manner. For me, okay, I told her I want to shoulder only the tuition fee not the other school expenses but I don’t have a choice. I just agreed with her so that we can be in good terms even if I didn’t like what was agreed upon. It’s just… There was no other option.]

The informally separated parents who used the avoidance strategy had mixed views regarding financial support. While some of them were not satisfied, others became accustomed to the situation because there was no financial support despite the effort to contact their former spouses. Similarly, some did not care whether their former spouses shared the finances or not. For one informant’s case it was the other family members who supported the child. Informant 19 said that she did not like that the set-up where she’s not supported by her former partner.

“Kung ako noon, kasi bago kami maghiwalay ang usapan naming magsususporta s’ya sa mga bata kahit sabihin mo na 20% lang ng kita n’ya o kaya kalahati. Eh walang nangyari, di natupad.” [Before, even before we separated, we discussed that he will give support for the children for at least 20% or half of his salary. Nothing happened, it was not fulfilled.]

For developing strategies, an informant whose negotiation strategy developed from conflict to cooperation said that she asked for financial support whenever her money wasn’t enough for the expenses. “Sinasabi ko kapag merong kailangan ang mga anak niya, sa pera ganiyan. Kapag may binabayaran kami dito sa bahay at hindi kasya ang kita ko sa pakikilaba.” [I tell him the children’s needs, especially in monetary

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whenever we have expenses and my earnings from doing laundry are not enough.] Informant 2 This meant that support from Informant 2’s former husband helped to lift the burden of financial expenses and that unlike informants who were still using conflict as a negotiation strategy, there was a sense of willingness to accept the financial contribution of the former spouse.

When asked if she was okay and satisfied with how she negotiated with her former husband regarding financial matters, Informant 1 said, “Hindi na ako nag-eexpect eh. Kasi kapag nag-expect ako na magbibigay sya, maiinis lang ako. Walang madudulot na maganda sa akin.” [I am not expecting anymore. If I expected that he will give support, I will just get angry. It will bear no good cause for me.]

Informants especially those who did not live with their children felt longing (for their children). They long for the moments together with their children and they wanted to show affection for them.

“Di pinapakita sa’kin yung bata, ayaw ipakita sa’kin ng nanay niya at ng biyenan ko. Itong taon kasi yung bata nakita ko last year pa. May dinala sa akin yung biyenan ko nung nagkasakit. Kumbaga, hindi ko nagagampanan yan kasi nga eh ayaw ipakita. Kung pwede lang, mag-bonding talaga kami niyan.” [I don’t see my child because her mom and mother-in-law won’t show her to me. I saw my child last year when my in-law brought something to me when she got sick. So, I can’t perform parental responsibilities because they won’t show her. If only, we will bond together.]

-Informant 11

Informant 20 said if she can get back to the past to correct her mistakes, take care of her children, and not leave them, she will. However, her capacity that time can't support them or sustain them. In contrast, one informant was not satisfied because he’s the only one working for and taking care of the kids. He was disappointed that his exwife can’t even give affection for their kids.

89 “Kung gusto niya makita mga anak niya, wala naman akong problema dun. Gusto ko nga yung makita niya mga anak niya, kaso lang hindi eh. Wala eh.

Pinabayaan ko nalang siya. Kasi ayaw naman na niya.” [If she wants to see her children, I don’t have any problems with that. I even wanted for her to see her kids, yet she doesn’t. She doesn’t do anything. I just let her be since she doesn’t want anymore.]

-Informant 22

An informant said that after the separation, she was deeply affected. And when she started to cooperate with her former husband, after a year of avoidance, she said that she still loved her husband back that time. As Wang and Amato (2000) stated, some individuals find it hard to adjust from the stress brought by the separation.

"Pano ba… Matagal bago ako nakamove-on eh. Mga nung nagkita pa kami… Mahal ko pa sya nun eh, hindi kasi madaling mawala yun eh. Mahal tsaka… hinayang. Tapos kasi nagkaron din ako ng relationships na hindi naman nagwork. Basta parang nasira yung pananaw ko sa love, hindi ko na alam pano magmahal ulit." [How is this… it took a long time before I’ve moved on. When we still see each other… I still love him then, because love is not easily gone.

The reasons are love and regret. I also had relationships that didn’t work. My view on love was damaged; it’s like I did not know how to love again.]

-Informant 1

One informant claimed that separation had an effect on health. This made the informant stressed because of loneliness, anger or depression. It was understandable for informants to have hard feelings toward their former partners because of unresolved feelings and the non-performance of parental responsibilities.

“Eh okay lang naman sa akin kasi syempre matagal na ‘yun. Syempre, dati galit sinasaktan n’ya ako. Mula nung naghiwalay kami, hindi ko pa s’ya nakita. Hindi ko pa s’ya nakausap.” [It is okay with me because time has passed.

Of course, before I was angry, he hits me. Ever since we got separated, I haven’t him, I haven’t talked with him.]

-Informant 19 “Sobrang tiyaga kong provider eh. Ayon, pwede natin sabihin na kuntento na. Ano gagawin ko, eh responsibilidad hindi niya maibigay.

Magkakasakit lang ako. Diba ang buhay ng tao pag wala kang sakit mayaman ka na. Ang healthy, smile lang yan. Ayun lang, hindi ito ang buhay na pinili ko. Kasi ganito na ang storya ng buhay ko eh.” [. I’m an industrious provider. You can say that I’m contented. What will I do? He can’t perform his responsibilities. I

90 will just get sick. Isn’t it health is wealth? To be healthy, you need to smile. It’s just that this is not the life I wanted yet this is the story of my life.]

-Informant 16

Two informants with the cooperation strategy mentioned they were okay because they had a good and healthy relationship with each other. Hence, separation with the cooperation strategy gained a positive effect for informally separated parents. One of them stressed, “How do I feel? I feel positive for the future. It’s like, it will be like a fairy tale kapag nagkabalikan kami pero, let’s be real. If that doesn’t happen, pagtanda namin we will be like good friends because of the kid.” [How do I feel?

I feel positive for the future. It’s like; it will be like a fairy tale if we got back together but let’s be real. If that doesn’t happen, I believe that when we get old we will be good friends because of the kid.]

-Informant 12

One positive effect of separation was freedom. For one male informant, since he got married and had a child at a young age, he already felt the pressure of being a parent.

Hence, when they separated, he felt free to do the things he wanted. According to Informant 10, “Wala naman problema, nakakahinga na ‘ko. Hindi na ‘ko yung… bawat kilos ko kailangan ipaalam, parang wala na sila” [There’s no problem. I’m not… all of my actions that I need to ask permission from them, it’s like they are gone.] In addition, he was satisfied because it was easy to talk with his former wife and he had control of his actions.

In terms of satisfaction, Informant 7 said she was not satisfied and was not dismayed. She said it would be better if her husband answered texts. She claims, “Satisfied? Actually hindi kasi hindi nga sumasagot sa phone diba?

Kaya lang, okay na kesa sa wala alam mo yun? I’m not satisfied but I’m not dismayed. Kapag tinwagan mo siya sumsasagot naman siya. Pero kapag tinext mo hindi na siya sasagot.” [Satisfied? Actually, he doesn’t answer his phone right? Still, I’m okay instead of no communication, you know? I’m not satisfied

91 but I’m not dismayed. Whenever you call him, he answers. When you text him, he won’t answer back.]

-Informant 7

Other cooperating informally separated parents were not satisfied with the current setup because of two reasons: either they had difficulty in supporting their children or they were not allowed to see their children. Therefore, they were not able to perform their parental responsibilities as much as they want to.

Informally separated parents who used conflict negotiation strategy were satisfied with their negotiation with their former spouses or partners. Still, it is important to note the various reasons for being satisfied, 1) wanting a peaceful life, 2) there’s no love involved, 3) becoming immune to the situation and 4) there’s two types of child rearing from the mother and the father of the child.

“Oo, okay na yon. Siguro kasi wala ka na ring pagmamahal kung hihingi ka nalang, kapagka kami kulang na sa budget sasabihan ko yung anak kong bunso, i-text mo nga si papa mo, bigyan tayo kahit konti.” [Yes, that’s okay.

Maybe because there’s no love anymore and you just have to ask. When our budget gets short I will ask my child to text his dad to ask a little money from him] -Informant 16

When Informant 2 was asked if she was still unsatisfied with her negotiation with her former spouse, she said, “Hindi na, naka-abroad kasi siya niyan, kapag minsan tumatawag siya sa amin, ako tapos yung anak niya at mga apo niya.” [Not anymore, since he went abroad and when he calls he talks to us, his child and his grandchildren.]

In terms of legal matters, one informant noted that though he was not negotiating legal matters with his former spouse, he is still ready for it if everything comes to legal resort.

“Ready lang ako kung umabot man sa ganun, pero as long as I keep my part hindi na kami aabot sa legal part. Although yung bata sinusuggest nya sa

92 mama nya na kung pwede nyang isunod sa pangalan ko yung pangalan nya.”

[I’m ready if it reaches that point, but as l as I do my part while not reaching to the point of going legal. Though, the kid suggests to his mom if he can use my surname in his name.]

-Informant 17

Informant 19 just thought of negotiating her children’s custody but did not propose this to her former spouse because she can’t bear the thought of it.

“Wala, wala kaming pinag-usapan sa ganun... Noon, nung nag-aaway pa kami, napag-isipan naming maghati sa bata. Ibig sabihin, isa sa kanya. Eh hindi ko kaya, ayaw ko... ‘Yung kuya ko sa Amerika, kasi sabi n’ya kumausap s’ya ng abogado kasi maghihiwalay sana kami talaga ng legal. Eh ‘yun ang sinabi ng abogado, kung idedemanda namin, kung mag-uusap kami na may abogado, kelangan naming maghati sa bata.”[Nothing, we don’t have any discussions regarding that. Before when we were fighting, we thought of dividing the children in custody. I didn’t want that. My brother who is in America mentioned for me to find a lawyer for legal separation since we planned to separate legally. The lawyer said that if we will file a case, we need to split the children.]

-Informant 19

2.

On Informants’ Children

Separation is encompassing; from the leaving of the former partner or the informant himself to the present set-up that includes the negotiation strategy of the separated parent with the former partner. This was why informants saw a thin line that separated negotiation strategies with the separation as a whole. Negotiation strategies influenced the children of separated parents differently, thus their reaction and communication of feelings regarding the present situation were varied too.

Similar with the informally separated parents, there were various effects of separation for the children. These included rebellion, depression, anger, sadness, longing for the parent, unaware of other parent/parents, independence, mature, maybe bullied, and boyishness, and a different view of a family. Of these effects, longing for the parent was

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the frequent effect of the separation. This finding was in contrast to the next effect, which was anger toward the other, the parent.

EFFECTS OF SEPARATION ON THE INFORMALLY SEPARATED PARENTS’ CHILDREN Positive Effects Independence Maturity

Neutral Boyishness (due to lack of father-figure) Different view of a family

Negative Effects Rebellion Depression Sadness Anger Longing for the parent Unaware of other parent/parents Maybe bullied

Reaction and communication were expressions of the children’s feelings over the separation or the negotiation of their parents. Since it was important especially for children to have a mother and a father figure at the same time, they longed for their parents. For cooperation, the children expressed their want and desire for their parents’ reunion.

“Kasi minsan nagtatanong s’ya sa akin kung hindi na raw kami magsasama ng nanay nya… Sinasabi ko, di ba may asawa na yung mama mo?

May asawa na kasi yung nanay nito.” [Sometimes he asks me if his mom and I will get back together. I tell him, isn’t it your mom has a husband now? Your mom has a husband.]

-Informant 9

Communication can also be indirect such as giving instances and making the separated parent feel their want for the reunion.

“Si… was saying something a week before she left pala. She mentioned a lot of names, we were in the play pen tapos biglang sabi n’ya, “This is my house.

Only people that can enter are Jaime (twin brother of Kimora), daddy and mommy.” [The child was saying something a week before she left. She mentioned a lot of names, we were in the play pen then she said, “This is my house. The only people who can enter here are Jaime (twin brother), daddy and mommy.]

-Informant 8

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Conflict when negotiating parental responsibility was noticed when residential informants permitted non-residential parents, who are living with the children, to visit their children. In this case, the informant agreed for the former husband to see their children but not to see the informants themselves; there was still the influence of negative feelings yet focus or willingness to cooperate with the former partners regarding parental responsibilities.

Also, there was a shift with the influence of conflict on the children as they grew.

In the case of the same informant, her children (as she said), became confident and stronger while still yearning to see their non-resident parent.

“You can go to your Dad and visit him but if you made him go inside the house malalagot kayo sa’kin. Yun lang ang hiningi ko. No restriction, if you want to stay with him for a whole month or a whole year that’s fine. Maarrest lang yung feelings nila na hindi na nila makikita yung Daddy nila. Hindi nila ko makikita. Pinakita ko na anytime any day pwede. Naging confident sila at natuto.

I think they are stronger now. I think kasi nung earlier years, iyak sila ng iyak.”

[You can go to your Dad and visit him but if you made him go inside the house, you will see me. That’s the only thing I ask. No restriction, if you want to stay with him for a whole month or a whole year that’s fine. Just to arrest their feelings of not seeing their Dad. They won’t see me. I’ve shown them they can do it anytime, any day. They became confident and learned from it. I think they are stronger now. I think kasi nung earlier years, they kept crying.]

-Informant 15

Informant 20 said that avoidance was hard for children because there was a lack of a mother figure, thus, there was no mother to take care of them when they were young.

“Syempre wala silang nanay, katulad ng mga anak ko wala silang nanay syempre mahirap. Lumaki silang walang inang nagaalaga syempre mahirap para sa mga bata ‘yung ganon. Kaya ngayon kumbaga sabik silang maksama ako ganon.” [Of course they have no mother, like my children who have no mother, it’s difficult. They were raised without a mom who takes care for them is difficult for the children. That’s why they are longing to be with me.]

-Informant 20

Children were more outspoken when their parents used cooperation compared with children of separated parents who used conflict. One informally separated parent

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said that his child’s view of his financial support was negative because of the thought that he cut communication with his former wife and was unable to provide for the financial needs of his child. Informant 17 explained, “Influence in the sense na yung pagkakaintindi nung bata nung nagcut ng communication yung mama nya sa akin, pinabayaan ko sila. Iniwan ko sila.

Tapos ang alam nung bata, ngayon ko lang sya sinuportahan sa pag-aaral nya.”

[Influence in the sense that the child understands was that when her mom cut her communication with me, I abandoned them. What the child knows is that it’s just now that I support his education.]

For avoidance, some informants noticed anger (towards the nonresident parent) and rebellion as an influence of the non-appearance and avoidance of their parents. Some children communicated the influences directly while some were manifested through actions, which the separated parent either observed or learned from people who can also observe their children.

Only influences, reactions and communication of feelings regarding financial and parental responsibility issues can be described because the informants did not prioritize legal matters.

The child developed anger towards his father because of the non-cooperation of the former husband of an informant, which happened to be the nonresident parent, one informant reported.

“Nagkaroon siya ng galit sa Tatay niya. Ayun ang epekto, pinipilit ko siyang magfocus sa trabaho, “eh kasi nga mama dapat tinutulungan ka niya eh, tinutulungan niya tayo.” Dun sa kapatid ko, humihingi siya ng pangtuition. Kaya naiinis siya, nagagalit siya. Hindi naman ganun ang intension niya, gusto niya mag-aral.” [She had grown anger towards her father. That’s the effect, I tell her to focus on working but she tells me, “Mama, he should be helping you… helping us.” We ask my sibling for money for tuition fee that’s why she’s irritated and angry. It’s not her intention, she just wants to study.]

-Informant 6

Informant 18 also said that her child developed anger towards the nonresident parent. This informant said, earlier in the interview, that her former husband never gave

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financial support to sustain the needs of their children.

“Galit. Sabi n’ya sa akin nung kumakain kami, ma ayaw ko na wag mo na banggitin pangalan ni papa. Sabi ko ‘wag ka, tatay mo ‘yan. Kahit pa, sabi n’ya, masama bang magalit sa tatay? Tignan mo sa pelikula na ‘yan, bumalik yung tatay nung tapos na mga anak n’ya, nagpasarap nalang s’ya.” [Anger. She told me when we were eating, ‘Ma, don’t mention the name of Papa.’ I told her, ‘You shouldn’t be like that, he’s your father.’ She said, ‘Is it wrong to be angry to a father? See that film? The father came back when the children were finished from school. He just enjoyed it.]

-Informant 18

An informant said that all her four children became delinquent at school and her youngest child, who rebelled, was the worst. She responded by telling her child that she did not need a useless father.

“Lagi s’yang nakikick-out, sa 4th year n’ya 3 school ang naikot n’ya.

Ganun s’ya nagloko talaga, as in rebelled… Kasi noon, nung elementary pa sabi kasi broken family kami. Galit ako kasi broken family kami, sinasabi n’ya sa mga teacher n’ya. Pero ako naman sabi ko, “Aanhin mo ang tatay kung wala namang silbi? Aanhin mo ang tatay kung magulo? Aaanhin mo ang tatay kung lagi kayong nag-aaway, walang katahimikan? Aahin ko ang asawa kung lagi naman ako umiiyak at ako naman ang nagtatrabaho.” Kaya wala na sa akin, natapos na ang kalbaryo kong ganun.” [He always gets kicked out, in 4th year he got into 3 schools. He rebelled in that sense. When he was in elementary, he said that we are a broken family. He tells his teacher that he was angry because we are a broken family. I say to him, “What will you get from your father if he is useless?

What will you get from your father who’s naughty? What will you get from your father if we always fight and there’s no peace? What will I get from a husband I always cry and I am the one who is working? I don’t mind it anymore, I am done with that.]

-Informant 19

The researchers found that reaction and communication of children developed as the children matured though this was just limited with our informants. Young children may have different reactions and feelings compared to older children. When these children were close to the non-resident parent or that if they observed other children who two parents and he only had one. As what was mentioned earlier, younger children tend to look for the other parent.

Once children get older and mature, they tend to understand the situation and find

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the non-resident parent.

“Oo, sinasabi naman (if children asks if informant and former partner will get back together). Syempre ako ayaw ko na din namang makipagbalikan pero ngayon syempre naiintindihan na nila ‘yong problema kaya hindi na, okay naman na sa kanila.” [Yes, they mention it. I don’t want to get back together but now they understand the problems why it is not possible anymore. They are okay with it.]

-Informant 20

Cooperation seemed to be the ideal negotiation strategy for the separated parents as well as their children. There was no or minimal problem with financial and legal matters because there was an understanding and consideration of former partner and the child. What was lacking was the presence of the parent who was away from the child.

One informant noted that the view of his children would not be the normal view on family (which is the mother and the father are together with the children at the same home).

“Yung view nila on family won’t be the traditional view on family. Like since na ganun na nga, naghiwalay kami. Ako ‘yung bale absent sa buhay nila, hindi nila properly maassess ‘yung role ng male sa relationship or ‘yung role ng male sa society in general kasi nakikita nila ‘yung influence ng mom. And the mom that they live with din, has no husband. So, ‘yun ‘yung nakikita kong lacking sa kanila., ‘yung father figure, male figure. But I always try to fill my void. My friend lives in Melbourne. I ask him to look out for them there…” [Their view on family won’t be the traditional view on family since we got separated. I am the one absent in their lives; hence, they can’t assess properly the role of the male in a relationship or the role of male in the society in general because they see only the influence of the mom. The mom that they live with has no husband too. That’s what I see as lacking from them, the father figure, male figure. But I always try to fill my void. My friend lives in Melbourne. I ask him to look out for them there.]

-Informant 8

One effect of separation and the negotiation strategies on children that can be considered as positive was maturity. One informant said that his child became mature because of the situation. However, he perceived it as a negative influence because the child might be deprived of his childhood.

98 “Parang naging mature yung panganay ko sa mga ganung sitwasyon kasi wala namang ginagawang iba sa nanay niya kundi sinasabihan ng problema.

Sabi ko nga, wag na kasi baka ma-ano yung childhood ng bata di ba, maapektuhan. Kapag ka ganon wag nalang sabihan o sa iba nalang siya magkukuwento. Makakapekto.” [It seemed that my eldest child became mature at some situations because her mom does nothing but to tell her problems. I told her (ex-wife) to stop because it might affect the kid’s childhood. In those instances she should not say it or tell it to other people instead, it can affect the child.]

-Informant 10

On the other hand, being independent was a positive influence of cooperation on a child. Also, to compensate for the separation and the parent’s guilt, a child was given whatever she asks.

“Oo, sobrang independent. She tends to ask more expensive gifts from her Dad. Nagpunta ka, di mo pa ko bibili niyan, ganun. Kasi, us, we have a tendency to spoil her with material things to compensate alam mo ‘yon. Lagi na nga kaming wala sa bahay eh… [Yes, she so independent. She tends to ask more expensive gifts from her Dad. ‘You went here, and then you won’t give me that.’ she tells his Dad. We have a tendency to spoil her with material things to compensate since we are always not around at home.]

-Informant 7

The case for distance-separated individuals was different. One informant whose husband works abroad said that their children were still close with their father though they rarely see him. The children even get happy to see their father.

“Kaya nga kahit malayo siya, hindi malayo yung loob ng mga bata sa kanya. Halimbawa darating na yan, susunduin na naming yan, tuwang tuwa ang mga bata. Kahit hating gabi, hala, sige. Syempre nung una medyo naiilang pa, kapag uuwi na, yun. (Tinanong nung bata) Bakit umalis ganun?... Tapos sasabihin ko syempre kailangan magtrabaho ng tatay nyo kasi wala syang hanap buhay dito. Kaya sila naiintindahan na. Mas mahirap nung bata sila, halos kami lang ni nanay yung nag-aalaga sa kanila.” [Even if he’s far away, his love for the children is still there same with the children. For example, when we fetch him the children get happy even in the wee hours of the morning. At first, they were disoriented and asks, ‘why did he leave?’ I tell them that your father needs to work since there are no jobs here. They understand it now. It was difficult when they were young as it was always my mom and I who takes care of them.]

-Informant 13

In the case where both parents were out of the country and the child was left with relatives; the child got confused and was closer to the present parent figure than the

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biological parents. Informant 14 narrated that their child knew her auntie better than them.

It was the same thing with them as parents; they did not know the child on a deeper level.

The child even thought that the nanny and his husband are her biological parents and cried when informed that it was not true.

An informant said that she informed her child when her former husband contributed financially for the needs of their child. But their child was not able to understand money matters yet because she was still young then. The former husband just contributed twice with financial matters, yet the child still loves her father.

“Ngayon alam nya, kasi kapag may binibigay naman sinasabi ko naman eh. Or pag halimabawa nagpadala ng pera sa akin, sasabihin ko, “Anak nagpadala ng pera si daddy mo, babayad naten sa service mo. Bayad naten sa school mo.”… Hindi pa siguro nya naiintindihan ang money matters… Ngayon nga minsan bubuksan ko yung Facebook nya, wala lang ayaw ko talaga ng ganun eh, makikita ko na nag-uusap sila ng daddy nya. “Daddy, I love you, I miss you.” Mga ganun, gumaganun ganun sya sa daddy nya. Para sa akin namimiss nya ang daddy nya.”[She now knows it because when her father gives money I tell her. “Child, your dad sent money, let’s spend it on your service or your tuition fee. She still doesn’t understand money matters. I see her chatting with her dad in Facebook even if I don’t like it. She says, “Daddy, I love you, I miss you.” For me she misses her father.]

-Informant 1

Another informant noticed a shift of her child’s attitude from the usual lively; she became shy after the separation.

“Hindi naman nagrerebelde, naisip lang nila na “wala na Papa ko”.

Siguro yang si Amor, nahihiya sa mga tao. Magwawalis, nakayuko. Para siyang hiyang hiya na matindi ang kasalanan niya, hanggang lumaki siya pagdating ng high school parang kelan lang naimprove siyang makisalamuha sa mga tao.

Nahihiya siya kasi yung para bang sa utak niya wala na yung Papa ko, nagagalit siya sa Tatay niya, sabi ko wag. Hindi mo kasalanan yung kami ay naghiwalay ng papa mo.” [She didn’t rebel but she thought that his father is gone. My child became ashamed of people; she will sweep the floor with her head down. When she got into high school that’s when her interaction with people improved. She was ashamed at the same angry with her father. I told her that it was not her fault that they separated.]

-Informant 16

In one case where the children were used to the set up, an informant reported that

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her children were already “okay” with the separation and that they were happy because through time, they became accustomed to just seeing their Dad whenever they want to.

“Okay lang sila. They’re used to the setup. They never said that they are comfortable, although sa’kin kasi [for me] I’m fine for as long as they are happy.

When they see both me and their dad na hindi together parang okay na sila.[who are not together seems fine with them.] Diba, okay na sila sa weekend, tas they stay with me for a while balik na, as in “Hi, Mama”! They’re so sweet na punta sila sakin ayun.” [They were okay in the weekend meetings; they also stay with me and greet me “Hi Mama!” They are so sweet that they stay with me.]

-Informant 15

Influences of strategies that developed also changed in accordance to the strategy that the separated parent adapted to. The influence of deterioration of a negotiation strategy was different with strategies that developed into cooperation. An informant said that her children developed hatred when her cooperation with her former husband turned into conflict because of the unwillingness of the father to communicate and contribute financially.

“Oo. Parang nagkaroon ng hatred yun mga bata sa kanya na parang ayun. Pero hindi ko alam kung alam nila, pero alam ko yoon. Parang, syempre, naiinis ka diba? Pero parang umaasa pa rin na tutulungan pa rin sila somehow.

Ayun ang impact. Ayoko din naman na anuhin sila na magalit kayo ganyan, ganyan. Eh syempre kusa naman nila mararamdaman yon diba?” [Yes. It seemed that the children learned to hate him. I don’t know what they know but I know that’s the case. You get irritated, right? It’s like they are hoping that he will somehow help us. That’s the impact. I don’t want to encourage them to be angry but if that what they feel, what are you going to do about it?]

-Informant 5

An informant, who went from conflict to cooperation, also said that her children expressed their want for their father to leave his present partner. This reaction was expressed when the separation was still fresh and the informant still had negative feelings such as anger toward her former spouse.

“Oo, pero ngayon wala na, ang sinasabi nila sa tatay nila noon, bakit hindi pa niya iwanan ang asawa niya at umuwi na s’ya dito sa amin. Sabi naman ng tatay nila, hindi raw niya maiwan dahil matagal na rin daw silang magkasama. Sabi naman ng mga anak niya, bakit hindi niya maiwan eh wala naman siyang anak sa kaniya.”[Yes, but that was before. They say to their father

101 to leave his present partner and just go home with us. Their father said that he couldn’t leave his partner for they have been together for long. The children replied as to why he couldn’t leave her since he doesn’t even have a child with him.]

-Informant 2

Lastly, the female child of one informant was said to be boyish because of the former husband’s lack of presence. She was looking for a father image and being boyish compensated for that.

“Ang epekto nun siguro yung anak ko nagiging boyish. Tapos masyado siyang playful at mas gusto niyang kalaro mga lalaki. Oo kasi naghahanap siya ng father image. Eh yung daddy niya pagbumibisita, mas gustong gusto niya pa yun kaharutan. Kahit lahat nalang ng boyish na ano, basketball, taekwondo, lahat ng toys niya panlalaki. Hindi pa siya nagkaroon ng toys na pambabae, gusto niya may remote control, darts, basketball, ganun. Tsaka lalo siyang nagtatapangan. Ayaw niya yung ipakita sa ibang tao na siyempre walang magtatanggol sa kanya kaya sinasabi niya kaya niya sa sarili niya na kaya ko sarili ko kahit wala akong father.” [The effect of that I think is that my child became boyish. She is so playful and likes to play with males more. I think she looks for a father image. Whenever her dad visits the house, she wants to play with him more. All activities related to boys, basketball, taekwondo, all toys for boys. She hasn’t even had toys normally for girls; she wants toys with remote control, datrs, and basketball. She always comes off as strong and she does not want to show other people that there will be no one to defend her. She can carry herself without her father.]

-Informant 3

Having a complete family is important as each member have roles and responsibilities to perform for the family to be in order. As seen from the findings, there were various effects of separation to the children. Positive and negative effects such as rebellion, depression, anger, sadness, longing for the parent, being unaware of other parents, independence, maturity, maybe bullied and being boyish are what informally separated parents observed with their children in this research.

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F. Emergent Findings 1.

Common Law Marriage

Since informally separated parents who were married constituted half of the informants and those married under common law was the other half, the researchers deem the two worth comparing.

The researchers had observed that those informants who were married were more demanding in terms of child rearing matters compared to those who were just married through common law marriage. Furthermore, formerly married informants had expectations and standards for financial support and parental responsibilities to be fulfilled by themselves and their ex-spouses. Though the informants under common law also had their own expectations and standards, they tended to be more lenient when asking their former partners’ share of financial and parental support. This was evident when satisfaction of the married informants and satisfaction of informants who cohabitated were compared.

“Yung communication regarding sa finances, financial support wala.

Hindi dapat ganoon diba? Pero, wala naman akong ibang communication na hinahangad pa. Yun lang. Kung makikipagcommunicate siya regarding yung sa financial support. Okay lang.” [There is no communication regarding finances or financial support. It shouldn’t be like that, right? But I don’t want any communication with him. That’s all. He should communicate regarding financial support. It’s okay.]

-Informant 5, Married Nagkikita kami hihiramin niya anak ko, doon lang yan magbibigay ng pera. Pero hindi ko siya in-obliga na supportahan ako. Kasi kung may kusa siya, okay na may contact kami diba. Magbibigay siya. [We see each other and he’ll borrow my child, then he will give money. I don’t oblige him to support me. If he has initiative, it’s okay since we have contact. He will give (money).]

-Informant 3, Not Married

It can be inferred that this happened because marriage came with a contract.

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Parental responsibilities as well as financial responsibilities were therefore considered as obligatory responsibilities rather than voluntary responsibilities to be fulfilled.

2.

Willingness of Former Spouses

The willingness of some of the informants’ former spouses emerged to be influential for the informants. Two informants, specifically informant 17 and 16, assessed their former spouses’ willingness before deciding on how to communicate. Informant 17 just gave in with his ex-wife’s plans even if he did not agree with it. This was in order to avoid discussion and dispute.

“Just to agree (with former wife’s wants) nalang kasi wala kang choice kasi magus-suffer din ang anak.. Ayaw mo namang mangyari ‘yun, darating ang panahon na susumbatan ka ng bata.” [I just agree to whatever she wants. I do not have a choice since my son will also suffer. You would not want that to happen, time will come when he will use your shortcomings against you.]

Informant 16 narrated that her former husband’s reaction towards her dating influenced her wanting no communication. She said, “Ayoko fin na lagi kasing lumalabas na, “Why do you go out? Nakailang boyfriend ka na?” Ganun ‘yung mga tanong n’ya everytime na magkikita kami. Kung maghaharap tayo, mag-uusap tayo pero ang mga tanong mo ganyan, ‘wag nalang tayo mag-usap, dib a?”[I do not want my dating to be brought up.

“Why do you go out? How many boyfriends have you had?” Those are his questionsevery time we see each other. If we meet but you only bring up things like that, it would be better not to talk at all.]

Also, the willingness of the informants’ former partners greatly affected the informant’s satisfaction. It was evident that those who were not satisfied with their negotiation were having problems with their former partners while those who were satisfied reported that they could be more satisfied if their former spouse could contribute more than they already are doing.

104 VI.

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION A. 1.

Summary

Personal Characteristics

Some informally separated parents noted that personal characteristics (age, sex, occupation, income, residence of the child, experiences of marriage, and experiences of separation) had an influence on their negotiation strategy. However, in contrast to the literature, not all factors were related to their negotiation strategies. Only factors such as income, number of children, ages of children and custody [or with whom the child lives] were seen to have an influence on the negotiation strategies that the informants use.

Income and number of children were also found to be related with informally separated parents who used the avoidance strategy. They tended to avoid their responsibilities because of low income and larger expenses due to more number of children. There were informally separated fathers who wanted to avoid their responsibility to their children but there were no informally separated mothers who expressed the want to avoid responsibility.

Occupation and income also had their influences on some informants’ negotiation strategies because financial capacity is an important factor when negotiating financial responsibilities to the children. The ages of children were found to be mostly related to the cooperation strategy as separated parents tended to perform child rearing responsibilities when the children are still young unlike when the children are older.

Although there were no informant to relate custody with their negotiation strategies, custodial parents spooled from the avoidance and developing strategies.

Regarding the residence of the children, some residential parents needed to

105 negotiate with their former spouse when they found the need for an additional financial support and the for the other parent’s presence.

2.

Marriage Experiences

Marriage experiences were generally pleasant across all informants. The main reason for marriage was love. Hence, the former couples union was rooted from a deep relationship. This explained that marriage was a mutual decision for both parties.

However, pregnancy was also cited as a reason for marriage and the parents pushed for the couples to get married. Informants also had relatively had long duration of marriage.

3.

Separation Experiences

If couples decided to separate because of problems; these problems became their reasons for separation. Though it is ideal that separations to be initiated by both parties, it was not the case for all the informants. Most of the separations were initiated by the informants, then the informants’ former partners, followed by both parties and parents.

With this in mind, the researchers categorized reasons for separation to be initiated and uninitiated. The most common reason of separation among informants was third parties; others were attitude (of former spouse), vices, age, parents, and work.

4.

Negotiation Strategies

Feelings toward the informants’ former partners (whether positive or negative) alongside focusing on issues at hand (which was characterized by communication with former spouse and willingness to negotiate child rearing matters) were the considerations choosing their negotiation strategies. Parental responsibility matters and financial matters

106 were thoroughly negotiated by informants and their former partners in contrary to legal matters.

a.

Cooperation Informants regarded cooperation as the ideal negotiation strategy for them. That is,

negative feelings were put aside while they focused on issues at hand. Informants, who cooperated, communicated either regularly or rarely. The point is, they had an understanding of responsibilities. Speaking of responsibilities, informants saw financial support as part of parental responsibilities though it was just secondary to time spent with kids or making them feel loved. Legal matters were only for those who can afford it, and willing to spend so much money for legal settlement on support. These matters were discussed by cooperating parents through whatever means they prefered which in case of cooperation, face-to-face is most preferred (others are mobile phones, Internet, family, and friends).

b.

Conflict For conflict, there was tendency for negative feelings to overcome focus on

solving problems. For our informants, they communicated with their former spouse but got irritated whenever there was contact. This was the reason why they did not prefer face-to-face interactions as they rather communicate using mobile phones to discuss child rearing matters. In contrast with cooperation, though parental responsibility was acknowledged to be important, financial matters were most negotiated and given priority.

For conflict, informants also considered the willingness of their former spouse when negotiating.

107 c.

Avoidance As for avoidance, there was no contact between former couples and because of

this, there was no chance to negotiate child rearing matters. Non-contact was probably because of the influence of negative feelings on the informants. Sometimes, though informants were willing to negotiate, they were not able to because (1) they did not know how to contact their former spouses or (2) they can’t support their child which was the case for one non-residential parent. Residential parents who used avoidance as a strategy stood to be breadwinners. They also saw non-residential parents as burden and thought that non-residential parents did not care about their children. This reinforced the negative feelings of the residential parents toward the non-residential parents.

d.

Developing A combination of these negotiation strategies was developing strategy where there

was a transition from one strategy to the other. It was clear how informants shifted to non-communication to frequent contact through mobile phones or face-to-face interaction.

It was important to note that there was a realization that parental responsibility was important for the children. In addition, there was a development of understanding in this negotiation strategy. With this, informants with developing strategies understood if former partners could not financially support their children as long as they fulfill their parental responsibilities. It was also possible for negotiation strategies to deteriorate when the former spouse became less responsive of the needs of the children.

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Effects of Negotiation Strategies

The effects of separation and the negotiation strategies had been both positive and negative. Negative effects were depression, sadness, financial problem, longing for child, longing for spouse, and anger. Positive effects as regarded by informants were having a good condition and disposition towards the ex-spouse due to good relationship and freedom to do things without asking for permission.

Some children of separated parents developed negative feelings toward one of or both their parents while some got used and understood their situation. Negative feelings may be anger that was expressed through rebellion. On the other hand, getting used to and understanding the negotiation of parents as well as their current situation takes time, that was why, older or more mature children were more understanding than the younger ones who usually looked for the non-resident parent.

B.

Conclusion

Informants use negotiation strategies based on (1) some family-related factors such as personal characteristics (sex, age, income, residence of their children, reasons for separation and length of separation other factors are not referred by informants as influential), (2) feelings toward the former spouses, and (3) focus on problems. Positive feelings such as appreciation, contentment, detest caused the informants to be willing to negotiate financial, legal and parental responsibility matters with their former spouses while negative feelings such as, anger, “hinayang� made them unwilling to. The balance of these factors, then, determined whether they use cooperation, conflict or avoidance as negotiation strategies.

After conscious or unconscious assessment of the aforementioned factors, the

109 informants try to see if the present strategy is effective and efficient for them and their children. This is the reason why there is a possibility for their negotiation strategy to develop or deteriorate.

It is the informants who decide what strategy suited for them to interact and negotiate child rearing matters with their former spouse. Of course, the researchers do not delineate the fact that the informants’ former partners also goes through the same process.

While cooperation is the ideal negotiation strategy, it is up to the informants to choose a strategy that worked them. Despite differences in the use of negotiation strategies, all of them are effective depending on the person. Thus, this accounts for the factors that affect the negotiation of the informants. As each informant had unique personal characteristics, experiences of marriage and experiences of separation, the utilization of cooperation, conflict, avoidance and developing negotiation strategy may rely on these factors.

Since there is a healthy relationship between informants and their former spouses in the cooperation strategy, they tried to set aside and move on from past issues for the children. In the conflict strategy, since there is still negative feelings because of issues from separation, child rearing matters were commonly communicated through texts, calls or other relatives to reduce arguments. For the avoidance strategy, there is no communication because of the other party's non-interest to help provide for the child.

Hence, informants with this strategy carry the burden of providing for their children.

Consequently, informants are satisfied with this setup because they became accustomed to this and did not want anything from their former spouses.

The entirety of the separation which included the negotiation strategies of the informants influences them emotionally and financially. Effects are not necessarily

110 negative. Some felt contentment while some felt dissent depending on how effective the negotiation strategy is for them. This is also the same with the effects of the negotiation strategies on children. If the informants were in good terms with their former spouses, children are most likely to be understanding. On the other hand, for informants who are using the conflict or avoidance strategy, children felt anger toward the non-residential parent. Negative feelings toward the non-custodial parent also changed as the children grew to maturity and became understanding of the situation.

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VII.

IMPLICATIONS

A.

Theoretical Issues

The theories applied in the study were helpful in the assessment of how individuals were influenced by various factors when negotiating. The study was intrapersonal with minimal considerations on how the negotiation strategies of parents influenced the child rearing of their children. Â This research study found that negotiation strategies can exist in a continuum.

Thus, the need for the researchers to include the developing negotiation strategy covered this issue. Also, negotiation strategies were proved to be fluid because informants were able to change their negotiation strategy with their former partners depending on the current situation. Therefore, unlike the three-conflict management model where one can fit a single or mixed strategy, negotiation strategies can follow a sequential pattern: avoidance to conflict to cooperation. Â McLuhan's Medium Theory supported the findings as there were different experiences to the employment of means of communication by the informants. Face-toface communication was said to bring back hurt feelings that aids in the aggression of either one of the parties. Communication through mobile phones and the Internet made reminders on financial and parental responsibilities easy as contact was instant and not complicated. On this study, mediated communication helped reduce hostility to bridge gaps for child rearing. As some of the informants mentioned, face-to-face communication, that is seeing their former spouses or partners brought back past memories when they were still a couple up to the separation which most of the time was unpleasant.

Communications technologies then played a big role for some of the informants to send

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their messages to their exes without brewing conflict.

Lastly, with the attachment theory, those children who had their parents employ the cooperation strategy adjusted well to the separation. This supported the findings that as the children who were nurtured through cooperation had positive effects such as independence and maturity.

B.

Methodological Issues

The study employed a non-probability sampling scheme with focused interviews as its lone data gathering method. Also, the sample size of twenty two informants posed a problem in the analysis of the factors influencing the negotiation strategies of the separated parents such as personal characteristics of the separated parent, marriage experiences and separation experiences. The informants had varied and unique responses.

This made it hard for the researchers to reduce the data. Hence, a survey could be conducted to address this gap.

The instrument was only consulted with two experts who could have been more if given longer time. It was a structured instrument based on the gathered literature on negotiation and separation altogether, thus, there were little opportunities to deviate from it.

The researchers tried to study the effect of the separated couples’ negotiation strategies on their children but did not actually interview children of separated couples.

This posed a problem because effects on children were only self-assessments and observations of informants rather than first-hand information.

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C. 1.

Practical Issues

Male and Female Relationships

As what we all know, no one can live alone and that relationships are essential to humans. But relationships are as complicated as humans. Relationships have stages, of course, it starts when people meet and this may develop into friendship, and may go on to the feeling of love. Some are not developed at all and people remain as acquaintances. A person may initially feel infatuated with the other person or that infatuation may be realized later on in the relationship. Then, infatuation may be reciprocated or not. In cases where infatuation develops, couples enter romantic relationships. At first, everything is all about their love for each other, professing how great their feelings are then time will come when they will be comfortable with each other. In this comfortableness, some get tired of the relationship; some find ways to make it exciting and last.

People act, relate to others, and behave. Everything that humans do is influenced by their biological make-up and culture. A single person with a unique personality, of course, socializes with individuals who are also unique in their own way. Relationships entail a lot of things: falling in-love, knowing each other, fights, break-ups, make-ups.

Everything must be handled and couples must learn from them. This is exactly why relationships are also complicated, every relationship is unique. In this study, the researchers tackled on how male and female individuals handle romantic relationships.

Male and female individuals enter romantic relationships because of a lot of reasons which may be security, appearance, commitment, and love. There are reasons behind all these which the couple should always put in mind. The very reason that relationships are complicated is the same reason why entering one is not happy all the

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time; and couples should be aware of this fact.

Fights are part of relationships and should be handled rather than escaped. This is where communication plays its role-problem resolution. It is also important in strengthening, maintaining and developing a relationship. Constant communication is essential for the couples to know each other. It is coupled with the willingness for compromise and understanding the other. Couples should be able and should communicate their concerns with their partner in order to solve their present problems.

All these are best learned through experience, and experience is an experimentyou learn best from trial and error. Relationships are trial and error themselves but having the idea that there would certainly be an “error” or problems should not be a hindrance from trying nor should be the reason to give up. Relationships take time to mature and to grow.

2.

Issues on Marriage

When couples think that they are ready to take on their relationship to a more serious level, they may decide to marry. Yet, entering marriage is more complicated than a simple romantic relationship; the couples sign a contract and must consider a lot of things other than their feelings for each other. Marriage is not simple; it should not be an impulse decision. This is why marriage is for the people certain and ready.

The decision of marriage should be well-thought. The couples must assess their feelings, commitment with each other, finances, and preparedness to actually have a family. For the males, they must be willing to give up their “single life” and be committed to his wife. He must also realize that there is a big burden to provide for his future family because this is what the society dictates. For the females, they should be

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prepared to take care of themselves, their husbands, as well as their children. Being a mother and a wife is so much to bear. Most importantly, the couples must be ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child.

Though it must be a given fact that marriage is to be thought well, there are still cases when people marry out of their will. Some marriages are out of need rather than want. These marriages may be because of pregnancy and the couple’s parents. Also, some people marry their partners out of security and age even there is no love in their relationships. These relationships may be hard to bear because of problems that may rise.

A well thought marriage is not an assurance for the couples to stay together though. Even if couples are firm with their feelings, financially stable, and ready to have families; there will still be problems. It is just up to them how to handle these problems.

Marriage is no different with any other relationships in terms of being prone to misunderstandings; in fact, it is most prone to fights. Unlike simple romantic relationships that only involve the couples; marriage is much complicated. In-laws, friends and children are considerations when couples fight.

Aforementioned considerations intensify the need for the couples to resolve their misunderstandings. Every child is ideally every couple’s top consideration. Couples think of their children more than they think about themselves. They know that they need to provide the best environment, the best family for their children to grow. A parent’s love is like no other.

This is why couples try to resolve their problems though it is hard for them. It is the same reason why couples stay together even if they do not love each other anymore; even they cannot resolve their differences. They stay for the children. In these cases, both

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parties [the mother and the father] sacrifice their happiness just so their children can see them together and just so their children will have a vision of a perfect family.

Sometimes, because couples think too much of their children’s welfare, they forget themselves and their happiness is sacrificed. They are forced to be in a relationship they aren’t happy and contented. They are obliged to stay with someone they do not love or worst--hate. In worst cases, children are also compromised when couples are forced to stay with each other. The couple’s children are exposed to an unhealthy environment that is created by their parents’ clash.

3.

Issues on Separation

When problems seem to be hopeless, couples decide to separate- a mutual decision. Decisions are not mutual all the time, when this happens, separations are therefore uninitiated by one and it is only one of the couple’s choice to leave. Whether the separation is initiated or uninitiated, children of couples will be affected.

Their behavior may be affected such as they may be rebellious. Some even hate their lives because of not having a normal family. Some hate the non-residential parent because of leaving or hate the residential parent because of letting the other parent leave.

Children may also be financially unsupported because there is just one parent supporting all their needs. In terms of growing up, there will be the lack of a mother or a father figure for the children which is essential to their development.

Because of the aforementioned effects of separation on children, former partners must work out the best situation for their children despite possible negative feelings toward each other. This is where communication is important. It is especially hard for uninitiated separations, because there would definitely be anger towards the other

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individual. Even former couples do not want to communicate with each other; they need to if they have children.

Performance of parental responsibilities should be the top priorities of parents.

Though financial support may sometimes be considered as a parental responsibility, it is just secondary compared to the need for the couples to spend time with their child. Some individuals try to escape the responsibility with the children- often the non-residential parent. Other cases, the residential parent hide the children from the non-residential parent for the children to arbor hate against the former spouse. Because of this, even if the non-residential parent is willing to cooperate with the residential parent, he does not have the chance. In cases when one of the couples is unwilling to financially support the child [or if there are problems with financial support], legal matters may be settled for an assurance of support. This is just an option because of the expense of bringing the issue on court.

Separation’s effects on children are not negative all the time. Some children take this as a challenge and divert their energy on their studies. Some are more financially supported because their parents are competing for their favor.

Separation may also take its toll on the couples themselves. If the separation is mutual, both the parents may be content and happy. But if separation was only initiated by one parent, the other may be depressed because he or she is still in-love or attached with the other. Some feel anger because they felt betrayed and abandoned. Some are financially burdened because they take the entire responsibility of raising their children.

The point is, before marriage, couples must know each other well enough to be sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. If in case they had made a

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wrong decision to marry each other; they must always remember why they loved their partner in the first place. This is especially important when they already have children; couples must always try to work things out for the children. In extreme situations that the couples’ happiness is jeopardized because of trying to stay with each other, that is the time when separation must be considered. It is not also good for children to grow in a hostile environment where their parents constantly fight. Once separation happens, again, couples must try to communicate with each other and try to provide the best situation for their children.

4.

Issues on Communication of Separated Couples

As a case of conflict communication between two parties, continuing being parents while being apart for the children the communication between separated parents (i.e., manner, frequency and contact) also depends how they ended their relationship as couples. Some who had third party as reason for separation had difficulty communicating with their former spouse because of the presence of the other partner. Hence, attention is divided between the former family and the present lover. It is the custodial parent or the parent who lives the child/children who usually contacts the former spouse or partner to ask for help to address the needs of the children.

Undeniably, communication is important in parenting to talk and discuss about the children’s needs and to ensure their proper growth and development. However, some of separated parents wouldn’t want any contact with their former spouse and would prefer to handle things on their own. Aside from not wanting to see and to interact with the former spouse, some of them don’t want to give their exes the right to care for their children. Financially capable separated individuals also think that since they are the one

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providing for the children they are righteous to take in charge of the children. While this setup works for them, simple things such as visiting, playing, bonding, helping the child with school works can make the child feel loved and nurtured especially in the formation years.

If hostility between former couples still occurs, compromise must be done for the children. Furthermore, communication technologies in the form of mobile phones and the Internet may address this gap as there is no real contact. This enables separated parents to talk about their children and different matters without being emotionally invested.

5.

Issues on Religion

As a predominantly Catholic country, laws in religion are greatly abided by the Filipinos in their daily lives. Hence, marriage is thought of as mandatory for couples who want build a family, that is, the start of having children. It also serves a contract for couples of their vow to the Church to be together until death and be good role models for their children and citizens of society.

Since religion has an immense impact on Filipinos, marriage is regarded as sacred.

Thus, separation between couples bound by matrimony are perceived to be unpleasant and somehow given stigma. Hence, people then resort to marriage by common law or informal separation. However, these ways are still condoned by the Church.

6.

Issues on Legal Separation and Divorce

In terms of legal separation in the Philippines, most people don’t see this as a need for different factors come into play most importantly the financial capability of

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separated individuals. Legal separation was always cited by informants to be only for the rich since it was them who can afford it. Therefore, legal separation was rarely brought up by the informants themselves for the same reason. More importantly, religion has a huge influence in the predisposition of married Filipinos to separate. As mentioned, the Philippines is the only country without divorce and treats marriage as sacred that most couples resort to informal separation.

The difficulty with informal separation is that usually there is no detailed and fixed arrangement between the separated parents on their responsibilities and duties for their children. The care for the children by the separated parents will then depend on how the relationship ended whether good or bad. If the couple are in good terms, usually all child rearing matters will be taken care of by both parents characterizing the cooperation negotiation strategy. In contrast, those who ended it in bad terms will usually have unequal efforts in handling child rearing matters that goes with the conflict and avoidance strategy. Usually it is the custodial parent who has the burden of fulfilling responsibilities of child rearing. However, informal separation still dwells on a case-to-case basis as there are different conditions that occur within families.

Since some informally separated parents find it difficult to talk about parenting as each individual will push his or her personal interests that there will be no issue resolved.

Legal separation can solve this problem as third party mediators in the role of lawyers can help make equal responsibilities for both parents as there will be someone who’s impartial in discussing child rearing matters. In theory, legal separation (annulment or divorce) will be good for separated parents to settle how to take care of their children as well as having closure in their relationship.

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On the other hand, it seemed that separated couples are not ready for formal or legal separation for it was mentioned that they are contented with the current setup and don’t want to make it complicated. To this day, most Filipinos are still averse to the idea of divorce which may benefit separated parents and their children. Debates on the Divorce Bill in the Philippines occur as the nation is divided on this issue. Marriage as one of the Church’s sacraments makes them be against divorce. More importantly, even if there is a clear delineation between the Church and State, the Church greatly influences the State in its approval of policies and laws.

7.

Application of the Study

This study is for awareness that separation is occurring and that it is harder than anyone who are not experiencing it would have thought. Also it is for couples to realize that it is hard to enter marriage when you are not ready to have problems with your partner. They must put in mind that marriage is not simple and it is given that couples fight. Having laid out the repercussions of separation, couples must try their best to resolve problems within their relationship but not to the extent that their happiness and their children are as well is jeopardized.

This research is also for the children [who are mature enough to understand the complexity of the situation]. Children must learn how to appreciate their parents. They are strong in our eyes but surely they are experiencing problems and would not want us to be burdened. They try to solve probably-worst-problems and try to look well in front of us.

Because this study is about the negotiation of informally separated parents with

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their former spouses about child rearing matters; it can be also used by different sectors of society to help shed light on family issues specifically separation of couples or partners.

In the academe, this can contribute to practitioners on family and marital communication for this involves how separated mothers and fathers, if not settle, discuss child rearing matters and parenting. Findings from this study can bring contextualization of separation among married and not married couples with child/children in the Philippines compared with other countries where legal separation exists. Hence, this is a localization of the studies found in the literature about separation of couples.

This can also give insight for relationship experts or marriage counselors especially on the interaction of male and female parents. There is a big difference in being single and being a part of a couple. Hence, the dynamics in the relationship differs in a couple that is married and not married. Communication between a male and female in a steady relationship also have a huge difference from a male and female as a married couple. This is for the reason that the topics of conversation become more complex and mature. Therefore, there is more seriousness in the topics and manner of communication between both male and female in a married relationship as the family become the paramount priority.

Social workers can also use this study to understand the separation in the local communities especially with broken families. This study described how separated parents cope with providing the needs of the children through the negotiation strategies. This can help them have an insight of the things separated parents and their families face to easily address their problems.

For the government, this can help lawmakers and even government agencies that

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relate to family and marriage. This can make them consider if existing laws on marriage can still work in the present times or that the divorce bill can be considered to be enacted in the Philippines. Policies on the custody of children in informal separations may also be discussed for there were different effects of separation for the children depending on the negotiation strategy used by parents. Hence, different parenting styles were also enforced that may be positive or negative in the eyes of the children.

Non-government organizations and institutions dwelling on family, marriage, love and children can also benefit from this research. Perceptions, views and opinions on marriage and family are changing because of increased knowledge, ideologies and beliefs.

NGOs that advocate women and children rights may have an insight on what goes around families involved in separation of parents and how do they reach agreement on parenting whether these are satisfactory for a healthy family relationship.

Lastly, this can benefit the separated mothers and fathers themselves as this study describes and explains the negotiation of child rearing matters. A separated parent may found to have applied a particular or mixed strategy in his or her conversations with his or her former spouse may opt to change his or her strategy to reach a more strategy beneficial to the children that will work for them as parents while apart.

The findings of this study will help in the analysis on how communication influences the informally separated parent himself and people closest to them-- their children. These individuals may no longer need to experiment on what strategy may best benefit them and their children when enough studies about the negotiation of separated parents are done. Moreover, it will contribute to understanding conflict communication between male and female relationships. As the children are involved, there may be

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differences compared to the normal man and woman relationship. It can also give insight to marital and family communication as there is also negotiation and decision making involved in communicating a number of issues.

Also, the study may aid to fill the gap how separated parents assess the negotiation strategy to employ in an intrapersonal level. With this study, limited literature on separations here in the Philippines was updated and that future researchers have the option to see how present informally separated parents use negotiation strategies while having to consider themselves and their children.

Given that the Philippines together with Vatican City are the only countries without divorce, the study may help in the acceptance of the phenomenon such as separation. And in turn, it may help in the understanding that there is a need for the divorce law.

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VIII.

RECOMMENDATIONS

This study of negotiation between informally separated parents have opened a lot of possibilities for further studies because of the different dynamics of interaction of separated couples especially there are a few local studies made on separation in the Philippines. Recommendations are the following:

1.

Interpersonal instead of intrapersonal perspective Scholars who would also want to deal with negotiation strategies may consider

interpersonal relationships of separated couples when negotiating for the needs of their children. This research only focused on the separated individuals themselves, thus, it would be also useful to get data from both parties--the separated parent and his or her former spouse--to see if their thoughts, feelings, and communication go together or not.

2.

Usage of other theories applicable for the negotiation of separated parents It is recommended for future researchers to look into Co-Orientation Theory of

Newcomb. When individuals are oriented with one another and to something they are both interested in, co-orientation happens. Essentially, Newcomb’s theory proposes that the individuals’ behavior or attitude toward people is based on their perception of an object of mutual concern and their perception of each others’ views toward that object.

(Broom, 2005) Littlejohn (2009), explains it further by saying that communication basically has two purposes, to have a common perception and to link it with a mutual concern. Newcomb called this the A-B-X system. A and B are the people having mutual concern and X is the concern.

Attitude is a key factor in this system, which can be positive or negative attitudes

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toward each other and the object (X). Therefore, the compatibility of A and B is based on each one’s perception. Compatibility means the similarity of perceptions toward one another or the object of concern. It can be that A and B have a positive perception toward each other and the object (A and B likes each other and object) or that A and be are both negative toward each other and the object (A and B don’t like each other and the object).

In cases where an individual is positive toward an object and learns that the other is not, he may develop a negative attitude toward the other individual. Now, the disliked individual may adjust his perception of the object of concern to earn a positive attitude from the other. These cases are when an individual conforms in order to have coorientation. Attitude is linked with perception in a way that knowing how the other person perceives the object directs whether to have a positive or negative attitude toward the other person.

Baxter and Braithwaite (2006) having the premise that two individuals has their own perception of an object and that these individuals evaluate each other’s perception of the object; leads to the three attributes of co-orientation which are agreement, accuracy and congruence. Agreement is when both individuals have a common perception of the object. Accuracy happens if the individuals’ perception of each others’ views toward the object is similar with their actual perception. Congruence is the similarity of the person’s perception of the object and the person’s perception of the other person’s views toward the object.

3. Include negotiation of couples who had formal separation If a localized study is also to be made, parents or couples who had legal separation or annulment can be focused on as it is not common the country. It can be

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compared with informal separation since in formal or legal separation; there is an agreement between former couples on child rearing matters that adhere to the law. Hence, a large difference can be noted between the two as it is now bounded by legal concerns.

Financial and parental responsibility matters can be focused on to find out why there is a thin line that separates the two.

4.

Focus on the Developing Negotiation Strategy There are also more to be explored that the study may have put into light, the

developing negotiation strategies of the couples. Since developing negotiation strategies may be a new finding, researchers may focus on this and further study this matter. This can give enlightenment on how does it occur and the factors that contribute to the change and transition of negotiation strategy.

5.

The effect of the negotiation strategies on children of separated couples Specifically, the researchers of this study suggest focusing on the positive effects

of separation on children of separated couples as the findings suggest that there are indeed positive effects of separation. In line with this, researchers may also interview children of separated couples rather than asking parents their assessment of the separation’s effect on their children. In addition, researchers may try to observe children of separated couples to see if findings on the effects of separation are actually true.

6.

Alternatives on the methodology Having in mind that the sampling of the study, we recommend employing a

quantitative perspective with the use of survey as a method to supplement the findings of

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the focus interviews. In this case, their data will be less varied and there is a greater possibility to see the association of factors influencing negotiation strategies and the strategies themselves.

While maximum variation sampling was used, it would also be better to explore different facets of informally separated parents to really capture their similarities and differences. Focus group discussions may also be helpful as an alternative method.

Informants may share more of their experiences if they are around people who are also separated. Also, focus group discussions may reduce the data and help researchers to identify common themes among the experiences of informants because there may be agreements on their responses.

On the units of analysis, we only considered the intrapersonal perspective, that is, the individual on how he or she interacts to his or her former spouse. For future studies, a both parties may be interviewed to know the dynamics in their communication. Also, a more flexible research instrument could be formulated in order to elicit more findings that are not literature-bound.

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APPENDICES Appendix A: Personal Information Sheet Interview Number: _____ Cooperation | Conflict | Avoidance Good morning! We are Communication Research students from UP Diliman and we are conducting a study on the negotiation of separated individuals with their former spouse regarding settlement of child rearing matters. We ensure that your answers will be confidential and will only be used for the study. Thank you very much!

Some questions ask you to share some experiences that may be hard to answer, are you willing to share your experiences with us? (YES/NO) Do you still have contact with your former spouse? (YES/NO) Name (Optional): _________________________ Age : _______

Sex : _______

City of residence : ________________________ Occupation : _____________________________ Highest educational attainment : o

College graduate

o

High school graduate

o

Elementary school graduate

o

Never attended school

Monthly income : ● 8,000 and below ● 8,001 – 15,000 ● 15,00 – 30,000 ● 30,001 – 50,000 ● 50,001 and above Number of children : _____ Ages of children from eldest to youngest: 1. _____ 2. _____ 3. _____ 4. _____ 5. _____

Interview Number: _____ Cooperation | Conflict | Avoidance Good morning! We are Communication Research students from UP Diliman and we are conducting a study on the negotiation of separated individuals with their former spouse regarding settlement of child rearing matters. We ensure that your answers will be confidential and will only be used for the study. Thank you very much!

Some questions ask you to share some experiences that may be hard to answer, are you willing to share your experiences with us? (YES/NO) Do you still have contact with your former spouse? (YES/NO) Name (Optional): _________________________ Age : _______

Sex : _______

City of residence : ________________________ Occupation : _____________________________ Highest educational attainment : o

College graduate

o

High school graduate

o

Elementary school graduate

o

Never attended school

Appendix B: Focus Interview Instrument

Monthly income : ● 8,000 and below ● 8,001 – 15,000 ● 15,00 – 30,000 ● 30,001 – 50,000 ● 50,001 and above Number of children : _____ Ages of children from eldest to youngest: 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ 10. _____

Interview Number: ____ Cooperation | Conflict | Avoidance Name: ______________________________

We now proceed to the next part of the interview. As you’ve heard, we intend to know how you negotiate with your former spouse on matters regarding child rearing. Again, all of your responses will remain confidential and will solely be used for this study. We hope that you will be honest in answering our questions. (Dumako na po tayo sa susunod na parte ng interview. Nabanggit po namin sa inyo na gusto namin malaman kung paano kayo makipag-usap at makipag-areglo sa dati niyong asawa tungkol sa pagpapalaki sa inyong mga anak. Muli, ang lahat ng sasabihin niyo sa interbyu na ito ay mananatiling kumpidensyal at gagamitin lamang sa pag-aaral na ito. Sana kayo ay maging tapat sapagsagot sa aming mga katanungan.)

I. MARRIAGE RELATED FACTORS Please tell us the story from how you arrived at the decision of marriage to your marriage itself.(Maari bang pakikwento kung paano kayo nakarating sa desisyong mag-asawa hanggang sa kasal ninyo?)

Probe if not mentioned: a.

Initiator: Who brought up the idea of marriage? (Sino ang unang nag-aya na magpakasal?) b.

Reasons for marriage (time, age, religion, intimacy, family, decision, child frequency, others): Why did you decide to marry each other? Please elaborate.(Bakit ninyo napagdesisyonan na magpakasal? Maari n’yo po bang ipaliwanag?) c.

Length of marriage: How long were you married? (Gaano kayo katagal na nagsama bilang magasawa?)

II. SEPARATION RELATED FACTORS Please tell us the story from how you arrived at the decision to separate to the separation itself? (Maari bang pakikwento kung paano kayo nakarating sa desisyong maghiwalay hanggang sa hiwalayan ninyo?)

Probe if not mentioned: a.

Initiator: Who brought up the idea of separation? (Kanino desisyon ang paghihiwalay?) b.

Reasons for separation (Satisfaction, lack of intimacy, 3rd party, others): Why did you decide to separate? Please elaborate. What happened, what was the cause?

(Bakit ninyo napagdesisyonang maghiwalay? Maari n’yo po bang ipaliwanag? Anuanong mga pangyayari ang nagtulak sa inyo upang maghiwalay?) c.

Length of separation: How long have you been separated? (Gaano katagal na kayong hiwalay sa inyong asawa?) d.

What usually comes to your mind when you see your former spouse? How would you characterize or interpret this reaction? (Kung naiisip mo ang dati mong asawa, ano ang pumapasok sa isip mo? Ano pong masasabi niyo sa reakyon na ito?)

III. MEANS OF COMMUNICATION AND FREQUENCY OF CONTACT How is your communication with your former spouse?

Probe if not mentioned:

a.

Frequency: How often do you communicate with each other? (Gaano po kayo kadalas nagkakausap?) b.

Channels: How or in what ways do you communicate and keep contact with your former spouse? (Nabanggit po ninyo na meron/wala kayong komunikasyon ng dati niyong asawa, sa anong mga paraan po kayo nakikipagusap sa dati niyong asawa?) ● When do you use face-to-face communication or other media? (Kailan po kayo nagkikita para magusap ng dati niyong asawa? Kailan po kayo nakikipagusap kasama ang third-party o iba pang tao? Kailan po kayo gumagamit ng midya?) ● What are the pros and cons of these media? (Ano po ang mga bentahe at disbentahe ng paggamit ng mga midya na ito?) c.

Determine negotiation strategy: What do you feel when you talk with your former spouse (positive or negative)? How do you focus on settling child rearing matters (focus or avoid)? Why? (Decide whether cooperation, conflict or avoidance.) (Ano naman po ang nararamdaman niyo kapag naguusap kayo ng dati niyong asawa (positibo o negatibo)? Paano po kayo nagkakasundo sa pagpapalaki ng inyong mga anak? Bakit?

Magdesisyon kung cooperation, conflict o avoidance.) d.

Topic of conversation: What are the things both of you talk about? How was the experience of your interaction? (Anu-ano po ang mga pinaguusapan niyo? Kamusta po yung karanasan na iyon?)

IV. COOPERATION |CONFLICT |AVOIDANCE ON COMMUNICATION CONTEXTS A. Regarding Financial Support We see that you use the (cooperation/conflict/avoidance/mixed) negotiation strategy.

(Explain.) Let’s focus on financial matters. When communicating with your former spouse, what are the usual financial support matters you (and your former spouse) talk about? (Kapag po naguusap kayo ng dati niyong asawa, ano po ang pinaguusapan niyo patungkol sa pera?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Do you talk about your children’s basic needs (clothing, shelter, allowance, food, education, etc.)? (Napag-uusapan po ba ninyo ang mga pangunahing pangangailangan ng inyong mga anak?)

How do you talk about these financial matters? (Paano ninyo pinag-uusapan ang mga usaping patungkol sa pera?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● What events or what channels (face-to-face, third party, new media) do you usually use when talking about financial matters? Why? (Anong pangyayari o anong mga midya ninyo napag-uusapan ang mga usapin patungkol sa pera? Bakit?)

Settlement: How do you settle financial support issues with your former spouse? (Paano ninyo naareglo ang mga usapan tungkol sa pera?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Can you please describe to us the manner of your conversations or interactions with each other? Would you mind sharing us some experiences? (Paano po ninyo naliulutas ang mga usapin tungkol sa pera? Maari po ba ninyong ilarawan sa amin ang paguusap ninyo sa isa’t isa? Maari rin po ba ninyong ibahagi sa amin ang inyong mga karanasan sa pangyayaring ito?)

● Do you reach an agreement regarding financial support issues? (Nagkakasundo po ba kayo sa mga usaping pera?) ● Who usually provides for the financial needs of your children? (Sino ang madalas sumusuporta sa mga anak ninyo?)

Satisfaction: Are you satisfied with your communication with your spouse? (Kuntento po ba kayo sa inyong komunikasyon sa dati niyong asawa?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Why are you satisfied? What are the reasons for your satisfaction? (Bakit?) ● Why are you not satisfied? What are the reasons for your dissatisfaction? (Bakit?) ● Do you think you can still improve it or do you want to improve it? How? (Sa palagay niyo po ba ay maari niyo pang mapabuti ito o gusto niyo po bang mapabuti ito?

Paano?) ● Can you still improve your negotiation, any suggestion? How do you wish it to be?

(Mapapabuti n’yo pa po ba ang negosasyon ninyo, may mga suhestyon po ba kayo?)

B. Regarding Legal Matters Do you talk about legal matters with your former spouse? (If no, skip to Part C.) If yes, what are the usual legal matters that you talk about? (Patungkol naman po sa isyung legal, napaguusapan po na ninyo ito? Kung oo, ano po ang madalas na pinaguusapan niyo tungkol sa isyung pang-legal?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Do you talk about visitation schedules, child custody and other legal matters concerning your children? (May mga legal matters patungkol sa inyong mga anak po ba kayong pinag-uusapan?)

How do you talk about these legal matters? (Paano ninyo pinag-uusapan ang mga usaping legal?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● In what events or what channels (face-to-face, third party, new media) do you usually use when talking about legal matters? Why? (Sa mga anong pangyayari o anong mga midya ninyo napag-uusapan ang mga usaping legal? Bakit?)

Settlement: How do you settle financial support issues with your former spouse? (Paano ninyo naareglo ang mga usapang legal?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Can you please describe to us the manner of your conversations or interactions with each other? Would you mind sharing us some experiences? (Paano po ninyo naliulutas ang mga usapin tungkol sa isyung pang-legal? Maari po ba ninyong ilarawan sa amin ang paguusap ninyo sa isa’t isa? Maari rin po ba ninyong ibahagi sa amin ang inyong mga karanasan sa pangyayaring ito?) ● Do you reach an agreement regarding issues on legal matters? (Nagkakasundo po ba kayo sa mga usaping legal?) ● What was agreed upon? Give an instance. (Ano ang napagkasunduan ninyo?

Magbigay ng halimbawa.)

Satisfaction: Are you satisfied with your communication with your former spouse? Why? (Kuntento po ba kayo sa inyong komunikasyon sa dati niyong asawa?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Why are you satisfied? What are the reasons for your satisfaction? (Bakit?)

● Why are you not satisfied? What are the reasons for your dissatisfaction? (Bakit?) ● Do you think you can still improve it or do you want to improve it? How? (Sa palagay niyo po ba ay maari niyo pang mapabuti ito o gusto niyo po bang mapabuti ito?

Paano?) ● Can you still improve your negotiation, any suggestion? How do you wish it to be?

(Mapapabuti n’yo pa po ba ang negosasyon ninyo, may mga suhestyon po ba kayo?)

C. Regarding Parental Responsibilities What are the usual parental responsibility matters you talk about? (Ano naman po ang mga kadalasan niyong pinaguusapan patungkol sa mga responsibilidad niyo bilang magulang?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Do you talk about time for the children, love, affection, attendance on events, etc.?

(Napag-uusapan po ba ninyo ang oras para sa mga anak ninyo, pagmamahal, etc.?)

How do you talk about parental respobnsibilities? (Paano ninyo napa-uusapan ang resonsibilidad ninyo bilang mga magulang?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● In what events or what channels (face-to-face, third party, new media) do you usually use when talking about parental responsibilities? Why? (Sa mga anong pangyayari o anong mga midya ninyo napag-uusapan ang mga responsibilidad ninyo bilang magulang? Bakit?)

Settlement: How do you settle these parental responsibilities with your former spouse?

Probe if not mentioned: ● Can you please describe to us the manner of your conversations or interactions with each other? Would you mind sharing us some experiences? (Paano po ninyo naliulutas ang mga usapin tungkol sa isyung pang-legal? Maari po ba ninyong ilarawan sa amin ang paguusap ninyo sa isa’t isa? Maari rin po ba ninyong ibahagi sa amin ang inyong mga karanasan sa pangyayaring ito?) ● Do you reach an agreement regarding issues on parental responsibilities?

(Nagkakasundo po ba kayo sa mga usaping patungkol sa responsibilidad bilang magulang?) ● What was agreed upon? Give an instance. (Ano ang napagkasunduan ninyo?

Magbigay ng halimbawa.)

Satisfaction: Are you satisfied with your communication with your former spouse? Why? (Kuntento po ba kayo sa inyong komunikasyon sa dati niyong asawa? Kung oo/hindi, bakit po?)

Probe if not mentioned: ● Why are you satisfied? What are the reasons for your satisfaction? (Bakit?) ● Why are you not satisfied? What are the reasons for your dissatisfaction? (Bakit?) ● Do you think you can still improve it or do you want to improve it? How? (Sa palagay niyo po ba ay maari niyo pang mapabuti ito o gusto niyo po bang mapabuti ito?

Paano?) ● Can you still improve your negotiation, any suggestion? How do you wish it to be?

(Mapapabuti n’yo pa po ba ang negosasyon ninyo, may mga suhestyon po ba kayo?)

V. We would also like to know if you think that your negotiation strategy has an

impact on your children’s well being.

1. How does your settlement of financial/legal/parental responsibility matters influence your child? (Paano po nakakaapekto ang paga-areglo o pagkakasunduan ninyo ng usapin sa pera, legal at responsibilidad bilang magulang sa inyong mga anak?)

Have you noticed any changes? What are your observations?

2. What is your child’s/children’s reaction when you communicate with your former spouse?

(Ano po ang reaction ng anak/mga anak ninyo sa pakikipagusap ninyo sa dati ninyong asawa?)

Are they happy? Are they sad? Are they contented?

3. Do your children communicate their feelings (on this matter) with you? (Binabanggit po ba ng inyong anak/mga anak ang kanilang nararamdaman ukol dito?)

Do your children open-up? Have they expressed their opinion regarding your communication or negotiation with your former spouse?

That was the last question for this interview. Again, thank you very much for making time for us to conduct this interview! Rest assured that all the information from this interview will be confidential and only be used for the purposes of the study. Thank you!

(Diyan na po nagtatapos ang interbyu. Muli, maraming salamat po sa pagpapaunlak sa amin na kayo ay ma-interbyu para sa aming pagaaral. Nakasisiguro po kayo na mananatiling kumpidensyal ang lahat ng nabanggit dito. Salamat po!) (Token.)

Appendix B: Interview Transcriptions INFORMANT 1 Developing Negotiation Strategy (Avoidance to cooperation)

So, pano kayo nagkakilala?

Nagmeet kami sa jeep.

Sa jeep, ilang beses mo s’ya nakasabay?

Isang beses ko lang syang nakasabay.

Tapos?

Tapos hindi ko naman sya pinapansin nung umpisa, ano lang, parang… Very typical, yung hiningi yung number...

Sa jeep? Ganun kabilis? Swabe ah.

Hindi ko naman binigay agad ‘yung number ko, makulit na makulit, tapos may kinausap syang friend nya. Yun yung kumuha nung number ko, tapos binigay ko ng…

Yung friend nya kilala ka?

Hindi, dun lang din. Tapos parang, di binigay ko yung number ko, dahandahan ko binibigay yung number ko kasi paandar na yung jeep. So parang 2 numbers yung hindi ko nabigay pero natext nya ako.

So pano ka nya natext?

Ewan ko. Dalawang number na last number. So I was like, 0-9-1…

So mga gano kayo katagal na magboyfriend-girlfriend?

Ano ba… Naging kami nung 2003 tapos I got pregnant nung 2005.

So bakit mo muna sya nagustuhan?

Pogi eh, payat na tisoy.

Ano pa?

Mabaet naman si Jansen eh, mabait sya promise. Hindi ko sinasabi na mabait sya kasi friends lang. May mga tao kasi na kapag kayo nalang dalawa iba na yung ugali eh, hindi eh, mabait talaga sya. Mabait sya, maasikaso. Ayun.

So generally, gano kayo katagal?

Bago kami naghiwalay, 5 years. 2009 kami naghiwalay, February 28.

You guys were married no?

No, we weren’t. Never. Mula nung nabuntis ako, every year niyaya nya akong magpakasal ayoko lang.

Oh, bakit?

Ayoko lang. Parang I didn’t feel na dahil nabuntis lang ako… Gusto ko yung security ba.

Eh parang gusto ko kasi pag kinasal na kami, gusto ko, nakahiwalay na kami. Hindi yung nakatira sa parents nya tas lipat sa parents ko, tas sa parents nya, every year lipat-lipat kami. Kung secured na kami, papayag na ako.

Anong nangyari sa inyo nung ex mo?

Nagkaron na sya ng babae bago kami maghiwalay. Nung nanganak ako kay Kylie nagkababae sya nun. So nanganak ako ng January, mga March, April nagkaron sya ng babae- katrabaho nya. Nahuli ko sya sa text. Syempre sa akin sya umuuwi, basta yun, nahuli ko sya. Ewan ko, kapag babae ka kasi mararamdaman mo talaga kapag tumigil talaga sya or meron pa. So I felt na tumigil talaga sya, nagkausap kami nung babae, nagkita pa kami nun.

Tumigil sya sa pambabae?

Oo, hindi nay un nilalandi. Pumapasok pa rin sya pero hindi na nya yun nilalandi. Apos kinausap ko yung babae, nagsorry sya kasi ang alam nya may anak lang. Hindi nya alam na nagsasama kami. Kasama ko pa si Aisa nun.

Nagkita talaga kayo?

Oo. Tinext ko sya tas nagkita kami sa Ever.

Bakit?

Ewan ko. Basta… Oh ayun, ai, hindi. Kasi gusto ko kasi syang makausap eh. Atsaka gusto kong iexplain sa kanya na yung lalaking kinakalantari nya ay may asawa, may kinakasama.

Napastop mo sya? Or nagstop lang sya?

Nag-away kami nun ni Jansen. Tapos nagsorry sya sa akin tapos tumigil talaga sya pero nagkita rin kami nung babae para lang maklaro ko. Tsaka para makita mo yung itsura nung babae nung… Alam mo yun? Nakakita ka na aba ng gabi, ganito, gabi nakashades?

Ayun, ganun, saka bata 17, 18? We were like 21 kami nun, 17 yung babae. Tas yun nagstop sya, nagwork sya sa iba, tas nagcall center ako. Tas ngayon nung last na, nung nahiwalay kami ng 2009… Yung una nyang babae kasi 2006 eh.

Sige, pakwento.

2009… Hindi, 2008 ng December may nararamdaman na ako. Feeling ko kasi, basta mararamadaman mo na may iba eh. Tapos bago mag Christmas may naramdaman akong iba. Lagi syang nag-oovertime sa work tapos uuwing nakainom, ganun. Ayun. Hindi

naman kasi sya ganun talaga. Edi syempre napapadalas yung away namin, nagiging bungangera ako, ganyan. Tapos nung January nahuli ko sa text, sa cellphone. Yung phone na yun, phone ko yun. Pinahiram ko sa kanya. Parang one time nalang nagising ako na gusto ko lang makita yung cell phone, wala lang. Eh nagluluto sya nun eh, may pasok ako kinagabihan. Nakita ko yung cellphone sa kotse, nagbasa ako ng text, may iba pala syang sim card. Tapos dun ko nahuli na ma katext sya. Tapos the usual nagsorry sya tapos pinutol nya sa harap ko yung sim card. Akala ko tapos na pero after a week iba pa rin yung nararamdaman ko. Pero wala akong nahuhuli basta palagi lang kaming nagaaway, palagi syang late umuuwi. Uwi nya 7 in the morning, uuwi sya ng 12 na ng tanghali. Tapos hinanap ko sya sa friends nya kasi alam ko yung number nung mga ktrabaho nya. Sinasabi naman sa akin na hindi nila alam, bros before hoes.

Tapos?

Tapos di nung February na, umuwi ako galling work. Hindi na kami masyadong okay, pero umuwi ako galling work. Tas sya wala na syang work nun, kasi nagresign sya. Sabi nya sa akin nun wala na talaga, sabi nya yung babae aalis na. Di umuwi ako galling work, umuwi ako natutulog sya. Si Jansen kasi parang mantika matulog, sisipain mo pa sasapakin mo pa para lang magising. So nakita ko may cellphone sya sa ilalim ng pillow nya. Na nagulat ako kasi may cellphone pala syang iba. So nag-upgrade sya, from sim card, nagging cellphone nya. Eh may security code, hindi ko maunlock. Pagkuha ko ng phone, yun nagising sya. Tas I was like, kanino to? Kaninong phone to? Sabi nya kay Angely yung pinsan nya. Sabi ko,oh iunlock mo patingin-patingin. Tapos parang nagagawan pa kami. Tas nagaway kaming dalawa, hindi naman kami nagsakitan, bungangaan. Hindi nabuksan. So what I did was kinuha ko yung sim card binalik ko sa kanya yung phone. Nilagay ko yung sim sa phone ko tapos, di naopen ko tas nakita ko.

Tas parang syempre hagulgol na ako nun, loka-loka na ako nun. Mga text na I love you, I love you too. Mga nakikita ko na… Di ba wala na syang work? Umaalis pala sya sa gabi pag alis ko magkikita sila nung girl. Pupuntahan nya kung san nakatira yung babae.

Tapos one time, sabi ko papasok ako pero hindi ako pumasok. So umalis lang ako, pinuntahan ko yung best friend ko na nakatira din sa Pasig. Tas parang, basta, alam mo yung gulong gulo yung isip mo? Yung alam mong may something eh, may makikita ako ngayon. So hindi ako natulog nun kasi loka-loka ako eh, hindi ako nakatulog. Tapos nakareceive ako ng text message from his friend, lalake. Hindi ko tinext yun ah, hindi ako naghahanap sa kanya kasi gusto ko mahuli talaga. Ang sabi dun sa text, kung hinahanap mo si Jansen puntahan ko sa Rosario.

Ai, feeling ko may gusto ‘to dun sa girl.

Absolutely.

Okay, go lang.

So ayun, bago ko palang nalaman na ganun. Tinanong ko sya sino ‘to, na parang demanding pa nga ako na nagtetext ako sa kanya. Parang nagalit pa nga sya na, ikaw na nga tong tinutulungan ko, ikaw pa yung demanding. Hindi ko alam kung san sya sa Rosario, basta puntahan mo sa Rosario. Oh di pumunta ako sa Rosario, inikot ko yung buong Rosario. And then I saw his car na nakapark sa gasoline station. Eh kasi yung

kotseng yun wala akong duplicate na susi pero I can always open the car kasi tinuruan ako ni Jansen eh. So nabuksan ko yung car. I got in the car, may nakita akong sapatos ng babae, may nakita akong suklay ng babae, may nakita akong… Si Jansen, di naman sya nagsusuklay. May nakita akong picture, may nakita akong parang panglagay sa buhok.

Ano ba yun? Suave, trix?

Yak, jologs.

Di man lang Vitress no? Tapos hinintay ko s’ya dun. I was at Rosario ng 5:30 ng madaling araw. Alam mo yung parang hindi ako mapakali? I was beside the car na naghhintay talaga ako, binuksan ko na yung kotse, doon ako umupo. Lumabas ako, baka makita ko syang naglalakad. Tapos ang sabi ko ikutin ko kaya? Inikot ko nanaman yung buong Rosario. Alam mo yung magdodoor to door ka para lang makita mo kung andun yung sapatos nya sa labas ng door. Hindi ko sya nakita. So malamang tinago nya yung sapatos nya sa loob. Kung saan man yun. Tapos dumating sya ng 9 in the morning dun.

Nakita nya ako. Alam mo yung itsura nung nakakita ng multo, namutla? Tapos sabi nya pa, “oh anong ginagawa mo dito?” Sya yung naunang nagsalita kasi hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kanya eh, nasa kalye kami. Pagsakay ko sa kotse, wala na syang choice kung di pasakayin ako, bago pa nya ako pasakayin ng kotse sabi nya “sandali.”

Parang nagligpit pa sya. Sabi ko, “nakita ko nay an, nakita ko na yang lahat. Wag mo na itagao, alam ko na. Nakita ko na yang lahat.” Tapos nagda-drive sya, nag-aaway kami.

Tas pumark sya sa may Dona Juana, pauwi na kami nun eh. Tapos nag-away kami dun.

Baka maaksidente kami kung hindi sya huminto eh. Kasi I was… nastrangle ko na sya, kulang nalang saksakin ko sya dun. He hit me, sinuntok nya ako sa braso kasi wawasakin ko yung kotse eh. Alam mo yung babalatan ko yung kotse? Alam mo yung rubber sa gilid, tatanggalin ko yun. Mga nangalahati na ako. Hindi nya kasi ako kayang patigilin ng sumisigaw sigaw lang. Sinuntok nya ako, edi ang sakit, tumigil nga ako tas nag-iiyak ako.

Pag-uwi naming nag-iiyak ako, nagwawala ako. Sinumbong ko sya sa daddy nya, sinumbong ko sya sa mommy nya. Tas yun na yung naghiwalay kami.

Hindi na kayo nagkita after? Umalis ka nalang?

Nakuha ko kasi yung number nung babae, kasi nga dahil nilipat ko yung sim card sa phone ko. Same day na nangyari yun, nakipag kita ako sa babae. Nagkita kami ng hapon sa Jollibee sa rotunda, may kasama syang babae kaibigan nya ata. Tas ayun, nag-usap kami tapos ayaw nyang bitawan si Jansen. Nung nag-uusap kaming dalawa sinabi ko na may kinakasama atsaka may anak, although hindi naman nya sinabi na hindi nya alam.

Kasi what I heard sa friend nya sa office, sa table ni Jansen sa office may picture kami.

Kung sino mang dumaan dun, makikita yun. Kaya tingin ko alam nya na may kinakasama sya tsaka may anak. Tapos nagtetext din sya nun eh, feeling ko katext nya rin si Jansen.

Sabi nya sa akin, si Jansen nalang daw ang magdedesisyon kung sino ang pipiliin nya sa amin. Ang pogi talaga nun ni kuya eh. Oh tapos gabi naman, same day. Umalis si Jansen, syempre pinuntahan nya yun babae. Tapos ako sumunod ako, sinabi sa akin kung san ko sila pupuntahan. So pinuntahan ko sila, tatlo kami. Magkatabi silang dalawa sa bed na nakaupo tapos pumili si Jansen, pinili nya yung babae sa harapan ko. Sobrang iyak na ako ng iyak nun. Sinabi nya sa akin na hindi na nya ako mahal, sinabi nya na mas mahal na nya yung girl kaysa sa akin. Tas I was like, “Pano si Kylie? May anak tayo. Pano yung anak naten? Papalakihin ko sya na wala syang buong pamilya?” Ang sagot nya eh,

susuportahan nya naman daw kahit hiwalay na kami. Sabi nya rin sa akin, “Maganda ka naman, bata ka naman. Makakahanap ka pa.” Ganun ang sinabi sa akin.

Wow ha?

Oh, di ba? Sabi ko, “Put**g **a naman.” eh samantalang yung babae, single sya. Wala syang anak. Sya mas makakahanap ng iba. Sabi ko , “Sisirain mo yung pamilya naten dahil lang sa kanya?” Sabi nya, “Eh wala na eh, hindi na kita mahal, mas mahal ko na sya.” Tapos nung hindi ko na kaya, nagpasundo ako sa best friend ko tas umalis kami dun.

Galit na galit si Anne nun. Tapos di, sabi ko nun kay Jansen, pwede ko bang makausap si Gwen na sya lang? Ayaw nya umalis kasi akala nya siguro sasaktan ko, sasabunutan ko.

Hindi, nag-usap lang kaming dalawa nung babae. Tas nung nag-usap kaming dalawa, sabi ko sa kanya, “Hindi ko kaya, may anak kami. Papano na ako, papano yung anak namin? Sinasabi nya na makakahanap ako ng iba. Tingin mo ba madaling makakita ng lalaki na papatol sa may anak na?” Tapos nag-iisip-isip sya, niyakap nya ako. Hinawakan nya yung kamay ko tas sinabi nya sa akin lalayuan nya. So… Ayun yung bago dumating yung bestfriend ko. Pagkatapos namin mag-usap nung babae, si Jansen naman.

Nagmakaawa ako. Sanabi ko rin na hindi ko talaga kaya, sabi ko sisirain mo ang pamilya naten. Sa ating dalawa kasal lang naman talaga ang kulang eh. Sabi nya hindi nya raw alam. Tingin ko naman naawa sya sa akin pero ayaw nya, ayaw na nya. Nung umuwi na ako, umuwi din sya kinaumagahan tas 2 months syang nawala. Tapos wala syang dalang damit, naglayas sya. Kahit yung mommy daddy nya hindi alam kung nasan sya, kahit mga kapatid nya, basta lumayas talaga sya. Tapos nagsama pala sila nung babae. Yung sinabi sa akin ni Gwen na iiwasan nya, na kapag pumunta raw sa kanya. Kapag daw kumatok sa pintuan, nya hindi nya pagbubuksan. Hindi totoo.

Nagkikita pa kayo?

Well, ngayon kapag hinihiram nya si Kylie?

So face-to-face to?

Oo. Paano kayo nag-uusap?

Text, tatawag sya sa akin, hihiramin nya si Kylie… Nung una matagal bago kami nagkita ulit. Di ba naghiwalay kami, siguro isang taon bago nya ulit nakita si Kylie. Tapos ako naman ayaw ko naman na ipagkait sa anak ko yung moment nila nung daddy nya na baka mamaya baka paglaki nung anak ko, kahit alam nya na may kasalanan yung daddy nya sa akin, hindi ko pinagbigyan na gusto nyang makita yung daddy nya. Baka isumbat sa akin, ayaw ko naman. Di after a year pumayag ako, nagtetext sya sa akin eh. Tas ayun, naging okay naman.

So kapag nagkikita kayo anong feeling mo?

Pano ba… Matagal bago ako nakamove-on eh. Mga nung nagkita pa kami, nung nagkita sila ni Kylie after a year… Mahal ko pa sya nun eh, hindi kasi madaling mawala yun eh.

Mahal tsaka… hinayang. Tapos kasi nagkaron din ako ng relationships na hindi naman

nagwork. Nagkaron ako ng boys sa office, hala, 1 week, 2 weeks, ganun lang. Basta parang nasira yung pananaw ko sa love, hindi ko na alam pano magmahal ulet.

Wow, lalim.

Oo, promise, totoo kasi.

So text lang ang means of communication n’yo?

Oo. How often?

Well, ngayon kung kelan nya gusto magtext siguro mga once a week mga ganun. Minsan tatawag sya, mga every other day. Parang ngayon, every other day tatawag sya kasi namimiss nya si Kylie. Wala na sila ngayon sa Pasig eh, nasa Laguna na sila nakatira eh.

So iniiwas nyo ba makipag-usap, or nagkakasundo naman kayo? Like sa sustento ganyan?

Wala. Hindi sya nagsusustento.

Weh? Wala, sinabi nya lang. Kapag binilang mo for the past for years na hiwalay kami twice palang.

Anong binibigay nya?

Grocery.

Anong usual na pinag-uusapan nyo?

Kapag hinihiram nya si Kylie, yun lang.

Yun lang? So parental responsibilities lang? So hindi mo ba naoopen sa kanya yun?

Actually, kasi ako, pride ko na rin siguro yun. Hiningan ko sya, nung naghiwalay kami hinihingan ko talaga sya kaso lang palagi naman syang walang binibigay. So ano pa? Di hindi nalang ako hihingi para kapag dumating yung panahon ng isip ng bata, wala syang maiisusumbat sa akin. Eh nung nga nagbirthday si Kylie wala syang regal okay Kylie.

Naghati sya sa bayad sa venue pero yung gift talaga… Wala. Para alam mo yun, special yung gift mo.

Kasama na yun dun sa two times na nagbigay sya?

Oo, kasama na yun.

Eh sya nag-oopen up sya na, sorry, next time magbibigay ako…

Ai, neto nalang. Siguro last year sya nagstart na ganun nung nagkawork sya na medyo maayos-ayos. Lagi syang humuhingi ng pasensya na hindi nya nabibigyan si Kylie. Sabi

nya marami syang gastos. Kasi nga may anak na rin sila eh, na kamuka ni Kylie.

Ikaw okay ka na sa financial support situation nyo?

Siguro… Hindi na ako nag-eexpect eh. Kasi kapag nag-expect ako na magbibigay sya, maiinis lang ako. Walang madudulot na maganda sa akin.

Kung ikaw anong gusto mong mangyari sa set-up nyo?

Eh kung wala naman akong mapapala sa kahihingi ko eh. Di ang sa akin nalang kung magbigay sya, di okay. Kapag naman hindi, edi okay lang din. Kasi minsan naman nagtetext sa akin yung ate nya, nagbibigay yung ate nya, family nya. Pero bihira lang yun, siguro sa isang buong taon… Actually nung naghiwalay kami gusto ko pakorte para talaga may amount na ibibigay nya every month. Pero hindi naman ako nagseek ng legal advice eh.

Pano nyo diniscuss yun?

Ako lang nakaisip nun, sinabi ko lang sa kanya. Sabi ko, “Tutal, hindi ka naman nagbibigay talaga. Puro ka pangako. Gusto mo ipakorte nalang naten to? Kukuha ako ng abugado.” Eh wala rin naman syang pangkuha ng abogado. Tsaka kahit pigain ko sya, kahit ano pang gawin sa kanya wala rin syang mabibigay. So ang feeling ko magsasayang lang din ako ng pera sa kukunin kong abugado.

Yun lang yung legal matter na pumasok sa isip nyo? How bout custody, ganun?

Ang usapan namin ngayon, kung may okasyon sa kanila hihiramin nya si Kylie. Pag gusto ni Kylie pumunta, papayagan ko. Pero kapag ayaw ng anak ko, hindi ako papayag.

Eh as a dad okay naman sya?

Oo. Kasi wala namang sinasabi si Kylie na ano eh… Sa aming dalawa kasi mas mabigat ang kamay ko, mas madalas ako mamalo. Si Jansen hindi namamalo. Tsaka yang si Kylie, daddy’s girl yan eh. Ngayon nga minsan bubuksan ko yung Facebook nya, wala lang ayaw ko talaga ng ganun eh, makikita ko na nag-uusap sila ng daddy nya. “Daddy, I love you, I miss you.” Mga ganun, gumaganun ganun sya sa daddy nya. Para sa akin namimiss nya ang daddy nya. So feeling ko mabuti naman syang daddy kay Kylie.

Pano naman yung ibang parental responsibility? Kunwari attend ka ng ganto, ng ganto?

Wala. Pero kung may activities sa school, ai wala, ako lang ang pumupunta kasi syempre sa school sinulat ni teacher reminder ngayon bukas gagawin. Syempre hindi naman nya mapupuntahan, nasa Laguna sya.

Nagcocommunicate ba kayo through friends, ganyan?

Hindi kapag ka may gustong… Actually wala naman kasi talaga akong gusting sabihin sa kanya. Pag sya may gusto syang sabihin sa kin or gusto nyang makausap si Kylie, sa akin sya tatawag.

Tingin mo ang effect nung separation kay Kylie?

Kasi nung naghiwalay kami ng 2009, Kylie was only 3. Nasa point pa sya na lagi nyang hinahanap yung daddy nya kasi dady’s girl talaga yung anak ko. Palagi syang, “Mommy, where’s daddy?” So ang sinasabi ko nalang, “Nagwowork si daddy mo sa malayo kaya hindi sya umuuwi.” Pero pag nagtetext sa akin sinasabi ko sa kanya, “Anak, nagtext si daddy mo. He said I miss you, I love you daw.” Hanggang sa after 1 year na nagkita sila ulit… Si Kylie nga parang hindi nya nakilala. Parang dumating sa point na huminto sya magtanong. Nung nagschol na sya nung 5 years old sya, mahilig sya magdrawing eh.

Yun na rin yung time na nagkikita sila ng daddy nya ng madalas eh, feeling ko gusto nya na buo kami. Pero alam na nya, pinakilala na kasi nun ni Jansen eh, buntis.

Alam ba ni Kylie na hindi nagbibigay yung dad nya?

Ngayon alam nya, kasi kapag may binibigay naman sinasabi ko naman eh. Or pag halimabawa nagpadala ng pera sa akin, sasabihin ko, “Anak nagpadala ng pera si daddy mo, babayad naten sa service mo. Bayad naten sa school mo…”

Anong reaction naman nya?

Wala. Hindi pa siguro nya naiintindihan ang money matters. So ayun, nung nakilala na ni Kylie, hindi ko na masyadong inexplain sa kanya kasi nakita naman nya. Ako kasii inunti-unti ko iexplain sa kanya. Sa ngayon naman open naman na si Kylie sa ganun.

Alam na nya na may ibang asawa si daddy nya, may kapatid sya dun. Tsaka mahal na mahal nya yung kapatid nya.

Tapos ano, nagcocommunicate ba si Kylie ng feelings nya? Kunwari, gusto nya kayo magbalikan?

Wala. Pero nakikita ko. Kasi mahilig sya magdrawing eh, saka magpaint. So madalas kahit hanggang ngayon nagdodrawing sya ng malaking bahay na may kotse na may daddy nya, may ako, tsaka yung kapatid nyang maliit. Kapag naman sinabi ko sa kanya na nag-usap kami ng dad nya ang sasabihin lang, “Oh ano raw?” Yun lang. Buti nga eh, wala akong nakikita kay Kylie na parang behavior ng iba dahil sa separation naming sa iba. Wala namang ganun kasi tingin ko naman napaliwanag ko sa kanya ng maayos.

Na”Bbaby, hiwalay na kasi kami ng daddy mo.” Yung turning point sa akin, nung pinakilala ni Jansen sa kanya. Kasi malilito sya eh. Bakit si daddy may kasamang iba?

Nagtanong din naman sya sa akin eh, “Bakit si daddy, iba yung asawa hindi ikaw?”

Gumanon sya sa akin mga 5 years old sya, sabi ko, “Baby yun ang bagong asawa ng daddy mo. Kami hiwalay na kami.” Tapos nagtanong sya ng eh bakit kayo hiwalay? “Eh kasi nga may bago na syang asawa.” So ganun ko lang naexplain sa kanya, tas sabi ko, nakita mo di ba may baby brother ka na? Tapos natuwa naman sya kasi ewan ko, natuwa sya kasi mahal nya yung kapatid nya. Mabait si Kylie, kulang man yung pagpapalaki ko, hindi salbahe yung anak ko. Suplada, oo. Pero hindi sya salbahe.

INFORMANT 8 Cooperation Negotiation Strategy

So ilang taon na ‘yung mga kids mo?

Four, four Sino panganay sa kanila, sino unang pinanganak?

Naunang napanganak si Kimora, ‘yung girl.

How did you get to know each other?

Classmates kami sa school. Ay, hindi! Di kami classmates, okay? Ang nangyari, same barkada. ‘Yung best friend n’ya sobrang close ko tapos nagkakilala kami. Uminom kami sa bahay ni Pearl, Pearl ‘yung ex ko.

Tapos?

And then ‘yun na. Sparks flew.

‘Yun na ‘yun? Sparks flew?

Crush na crush [s’ya] ng barkada ko. Ang nangyari, lahat ng friends ko kaya ‘yung attraction ko para sa kanya was based on ‘yung tingin ng lahat ng tao sa kanya, crush s’ya ng lahat, niligawan s’ya nung dalawa. Parang laws of attraction, if everyone wants it, you also want a piece of it. Ang nangyari, parang nagkahiwalay ‘yung group. Ako tumatambay pa rin kasama nila then slowly ‘yun, nangyari na.

Kelan naging kayo?

October 13, 2008. Eto, it’s so funny. Ang tagal na naming nagde-date. Nanuod kami…

Gaano katagal?

Di ko alam, like 2 months, close to 3. Nagdedate kami as in palagi kaming lumalabas tapos after ng date naming wala kaming mapuntahan so pumunta kami dito [sa clubhouse] para tumambay before naming i-meet ‘yung friends ko. Tapos umula ng sobrang lakas.

Nung time na ‘yun wala pang store, sobrang dilim. Sabi ko sa kanya, kain muna kaya tayo sa bahay. Tapos sabi n’ya, hindi ako pumapsok sa bahay ng hindi ko boyfriend. How about lets… Ayun, naging kami dahil dun.

So gano kayo katagal before ano…

Nagbreak or conception? [laughs] So nagustuhan mo s’ya kasi everybody likes her, ‘yun na ‘yun?

Actually dun nagstart before ko nalaman ‘yung… “Brrrr”. ‘Yung crazy side n’ya, bago ko nalaman na baliw si “gagi”. Okay s’ya like, dinala ko sa friends ko ganyan, mga Tierra Pura friends. Wala akong narinig kundi ang ganda ng personality nito. Tapos ano raw s’ya, ‘yun. Nagustuhan ko s’ya tapos slowly nag-develop ‘yung feelings.

So gano katagal naging kayo?

1 year plus, alam ko nagcelebrate kami ng anniversary eh. So a year and 3 months or 4

months.

So bakit kayo naghiwalay?

Naghiwalay…

Pero may kids na kayo nun?

Kasi, ‘yung day na sinabi n’ya sa akin na buntis s’ya is the day na dapat be-break-an ko s’ya. Sabi ko kita tayo sa Eastwood tas sabi n’ya “yeah, Tip. I think we need to talk.” So I akala ko she was thinking of the same thing, magbe-break na kami. Tapos nagbato s’ya ng pregnancy test sa table sa Eastwood. Ako first time ko makakita ng pregnancy test, like, oh anong ibig sabihin nito. Di ko alam ang ibig sabihin ng one line, two lines.

Pregnant pala s’ya, tapos umiiyak s’ya, wala akong ginawa. Inakap ko s’ya tas sabi ko lets try to work this out. Feeling ko naglie ‘yun eh, pills kasi kami eh.

So feeling mo nagstop s’ya magpills?

Oo. Kasi eto ah, it was so crazy. May mga pictures s’ya sa iPod n’ya ng babies, random babies. Tapos sinasabi n’ya sakin na mag-cum talaga sa loob n’ya, as in s’ya talaga ang nagsasabi. Naglie s’ya, nag-injection daw s’ya. ‘Yung contraceptive na injection. ‘yung magiging infertile ‘yung babae for 6 months. Sabi n’ya nagganun daw s’ya. Feeling ko gusto talaga n’yang magkaanak na. Ngayon sumobra, meron pa s’yang isa. Hiniwalayan din s’ya [nung guy].

So naghiwalay kayo, 1 year plus kayo naghiwalay kayo… Bakit?

Di ko lang kinaya.

Wait pala, sino nakipaghiwalay?

Ako. Kasi I’m too rock and roll to be tied down.

‘Yung totoo kasi.

Oo, sinabi ko talaga ‘yun. Sabi n’ya “I wanna have your babies.” Tapos sabi ko, “I’m too rock and roll to be tied down”.

So mga ilang years na kayong hiwalay?

Wait lang, let me remember... 2014 na ngayon no?

No, 2013 palang.

11, 2011 or 10.

Okay ka naman na?

Of course, friends kami.

So okay ka lang kapag nag-uusap kayo?

Kapag nag-uusap kami, tungkol sa kids ‘yun lang. Nothing more, nothing less.

What do you feel kapag naiisip mo si Pearl, wala na?

Dati laging hostile thoughts, ngayon laging mom s’ya ni Jaime and Kimora. Walang feelings, it’s more like lagi talaga. Kelangan mag contact kami.

Now you said that, paano kayo nagco-communicate?

Viber. Since nasa Australia s’ya, Viber. Pero nung nandito pa sila, through her mom.

Tapos kino-contact n’ya ako through my mom.

So how frequent ‘yung communication n’yo dati and now?

As much as I can, walang ano… Okay, dati it was everyday contact sa kids. One week a month nandito sila sa bahay, ‘yun ang communication namin. Kasi once nandito ‘yung kids palagi s’yang tumatawag sa bahay. Pero nung lumipat sila sa Australia, now, as much as I can. Magmemessage ako sa Viber, how are the kids…

Everyday ba?

Yeah. Siguro onet ext a day.

Nagrereply naman ba?

Ganto kasi, parehas kaming hindi internet everywhere so nakakareply lang s’ya sa akin after work kapag nakauwi na s’ya. Ako kapag nasa bahay lang ako nakakamessage sa kanya.

Wala kayong face-to-face communication?

FaceTime. Pero ‘pag FaceTime naming di s’ya nagpapakita, mga bata lang.

Pero wala nung personal talaga?

Wala kasi nasa Australia na sila eh.

Nung nandito?

Ah, nung nandito, kapag sinusundo ‘yung twins di s’ya nagpapakita eh.

Bakit?

Buntis na ata kasi s’ya nun eh.

Di mo alam?

Alam ko, from rumors. CSB eh, it gets around quick. Kakilala ko ganyan, ang dami kong kaibigan na kaibigan n’ya so nalaman ko na buntis s’ya pero hindi alam ng lahat. Hindi nga alam nila na alam na ng parents ko eh. Sabi ko buntis na si Pearl tas sabi nila “oh?”, hindi nila alam.

So okay ka naman sa set-up n’yo?

Oo naman. I mean, it’s not ideal, I’d rather have them here but what can I do? [I] can’t cry over spoiled milk. Worse things happen to better people everyday.

So ikaw anong mas prefer mo?Nasa akin ‘yung kids tapos hindi na s’ya makikigulo.

Hindi, joke lang. [laughs]. In a perfect world, that’s how it would work. That’s how I want it to be.

Anong pros and cons ng Viber and FaceTime? Cons ang dami. Cons ano, hindi s’ya personal. Pros is nalalaman ko ‘yung tungkol sa kids.

So, ulit clarify lang, what do you feel kapag nakikipag communicate ka kay Pearl?

Wala, as in neutral lang.

Kunwari may issues, do you focus on it?

Yeah, we talk about it. Mine-message n’ya ako, ganyan. ‘Yun nga, we see eye-to-eye about everything usually like… It’s like… We see eye-to-eye. Kimora taking ballet lessons; changing yayas and all. Lagi kaming , ano, walang dumadating na… ‘Yung mga small stuff like ano, pagupitan ‘yung buhok ni Kimora ganun. Dun lang nagkakaiba pero imbes na ako makisama kaso ayaw kong… Ang ganda ni Kimora kapag long hair eh ginugupit ni Pearl. Imbes na… Pinapabayaan ko nalang.

So punta tayo sa mga topics of conversation n’yo, merong financial, legal saka parental. Sa financial, ano mga pinag-uusapan n’yo?

It’s not really me that supports, it’s my parents. I don’t have work pa kasi I’m still a student. May sinettle na account, may sinettle na budget na si Pearl ang gumawa like ganito kelangan for food blablabla down to the last cent.

You mind if I ask how much?

I don’t know now since they moved sa Australia, pero dati it was twenty tapos always on the first.

Kasama na ‘yung school doon or hindi pa?

Kasama na dun, nagsschool na sila nun.

Lahat hati kayo ganyan?

Yes, straight down the middle. Lamang ng konti si dad siguro, oo. Pero, yeah, tatay ako eh.

‘Yung pagsettle n’yo, stick dun sa plan ni Pearl? Wala kang binabago? Okay ka na dun?

Yes, eh, fair naman eh. Satisfied naman ako dun.

Doon naman sa legal matters… Do you have legal matters na pinag-uusapan?

Hm. Nagka-custody, nagka-custody issue kasi ‘yung lawyer namin si Inky… I forgot eh, he was just on TV kanina. Basta ayun, si Atty. Inky, he’d helped us draft like a fair custody ano. Kasi what happened was sa custody na dinraft nila very limited ‘yung rights ko as a dad.

Pano?

I mean, all issues regarding education ganyan would be decided by the mother tapos ‘yung sa akin ako ‘yung financial aid daw. Initially kasi may nagdraft, lawyer nila tapos gumawa kami ng counter. So ang nangyari ‘yung nga binasa nila, mas fair ‘yung ginawa ni Inky and yun.

Nasusunod ‘yun?

Oo naman, walang problema. ‘Yun nga ‘yun, ‘yung one week a month sa amin sila.

Pano ‘yun, one week sa’yo or pwedeng distributed ‘yung 7 days sa month?

Kasi nung time na ‘yun hindi sila ginegrade, it’s like a pre-preschool type of thing kasi they were 2. Ang nangyari pwede naman sila magmiss ng class for 1 week, sometimes nag-eextend. Madalas nag-eextend, nagiging 8 days.

Oh, okay. Ngayon sa parental responsibilities, so anong topics n’yo about it?

Ako si topic, Topicsworld. Hindi, joke. [laugh]. Uh, birthdays, celebrations ganyan, ayun, like kahit sa health lang nila eh. We have different views on health. They can drink softdrinks there, sa amin no-no ‘yun. They can’t eat desserts before, bawal mag-snacks before kumain; sa kanila ang daming ganun. Sila okay lang di magdinner basta nakakain, so bibigyan nalang ng M&Ms. Pero ang baligtad naman ay ‘yung bed time. Sa kanila vey strict, sa akin very lenient kasi bihira ko lang sila makasama, di ba? So ‘yung bed time nila 10, nakaka-tell na ng time ‘yung dalawa, matanda na sila. So kapag nakita na nila ‘yung time na 10, sabihin nila na it’s time na to sleep. Sabihin ko no, we’re watching Lion King. Sabihin nila, “okay”. Ang saya nila. Ang nakakaaliw pa, si Kimora gusto ng Lion King, si Jaime ayaw, makasarili gusto n’ya cars. Napipikon s’ya kapag ‘yung shows pwedeng panlalaki, pwedeng pambabae, gusto n’ya ‘yung para sa kanya lang. Ganun ‘yun, magtatampo pa ‘yun pero kapag pinlay na ‘yung Lion King nakaganyan pa ‘yun [mimics his child].

So ‘yung little things na ‘yan napag-uusapan n’yo ba?

No. Quiet nalang, sinasabi sa’kin, tumawag sa akin ‘yung grandma. Sabi, “Tip, kelangan nakatulog na sila ah” “Di akong bahala!” Tapos sasabihin ko sa maid, “Uy, ‘wag n’yo sanihin ah? Lalampas kaming 10 every night.” Kadalasan nga 10 di pa kami nakauwi, nasa Active Fun pa kami. Never sila natulog ng 10 dito unless iinom ako.

Hindi na ba sila uuwi?

Hindi. Pero pupunta ako dun this Feb kasama parents ko.

So happy sila meron silang grand children?

Yeah, pero not at first. Okay ang nangyari naiwan ko ang phone ko sa car. Mom hardly reads my messages, binasa n’ya that day. Nabasa n’ya ‘yung messages, nalaman n’yang buntis si Pearl. Umuwi ako, tinanong ko, hinanap ko sabi ko, “Ma, where’s my phone?”

Sabi n’ya “You mean this?” “Yeah, buti it’s there.” Tapos sabi “I’ve read some disturbing messages here, are these true?” Parang ako parang “What disturbing messages?” “Is Pearl pregnant?”Sabi ko yes. “Dad’s on his way here, stay home.”

Dumating si daddy, narinig ko, hindi eh, hindi ko narinig ‘yung boses n’ya eh. BAM! BAM! BAM! Binasag n’ya, binato n’ya lahat ng grocery. Sinakal n’ya ako sa door. Eto nakakatawa! Family get-together namin the next day, di ako pumunta kasi sobrang hiya ko sa parents ko. So hindi ako pumunta tapos sinabi ni daddy, “Guys I have to tell you something.” Grandma ko umiyak, sabi n’ya, is it Camille? No. Alam na kung ano ‘yung news, familiar na sila kung ano ‘yung nangyayari. “It’s not Camille, it’s Timothy.” Ayun, galit na galit si Dad, ang nagpa-calm down, ‘yung tita ko. Tita Lizette pati si mom ni Mimi. Kasi mom ni Mimi nanganak ‘yan at 16. Tapos si Tita Lizette nanganak ng 20 kay Gabe, 16 kay Cedric. Dinala nila si Dad sa likod, sabi nila, when it happened to us you were the only one that convinced mom and dad. Na it was a mistake, they weren’t on our side pero you were the only one on our side. Now, Tip needs you to be the person you were to us. Pagkauwi ng dad ko that same night, ibang-iba ‘yung attitude n’ya. Sabi n’ya, “Tip, did you catch the game?” Ineexpect na hindi magsa-smile sa akin si daddy for a very long time tapos as in siguro mga 1 hour pinag-usapan naming ‘yung PBA game.

Tinanong ko how was the party.”It was really fun, you should have came, ganyan.”

Tapos binring-u n’ya ulit ‘yung issue pero in a calmer way. He made, he’s firm eh, pero his fair. Sinabi n’yasa akin, this is what I need from you, etc.

Sa kids mo, navo-voice-out ba nila ‘yung say nila sa situation, sa arrangement n’yo ni Pearl?

‘Yung kids? I’m sure hindi kayo nanonood ng Barney. It’s very nice kasi it makes every kid feel that they belong. May part dun, sabi, “We are family”, ‘yung kumakanta. Si Barney, I live with my mom and my dad, with my 2 little brothers. May isang kid na nagsabi na I live with my aunt, ganyan. My mom and my dad are separated but they love me just the same. ‘Yun ‘yung pinapanood nila.

Gets nila?

Gets nila, ang talino. Hindi na nila kelangan malaman. Daddy’s house, mommy’s house.

And alam nila kung sino kasama ng mom nila, alam nila kung ano ng mom nila. Sabi nila, “tito Dan”. Alam nila kung sino kasama ng mom, tinanong ko “Where’s your mom?”

“Tito Dan’s house”. Ayun lang, buntis na s’ya nun. Tapos naghiwalay na sila nun. Same reason din. Actually, lahat ng guys n’ya before me pa. I was fourth, si Dan fifth. Lahat kaming lima same reason.

Why ba?

She’s possessive na parang possessed na nga. She’s evil na talaga, she didn’t trust me at all. Hanggang best friend ko. My bestfriend since I was 2, sinabi n’ya sa akin, tinext n’ya.

“’Wag na wag mo na kahit kelan ayain si Tip.” I mean si Dex, best friend ko since 2 ako, di ba? Kelangan ba n’ya itext ‘yun si Dex? 3 months kaming hindi nagkita [ni Dex], sobrang galit s’ya. Tapos minsan kasama ko friends ko, dala ko landline namin para kapag tumawag si Pearl kunwari nasa bahay ako. Eto, nagkaron ng brownout, nationwide, ah, pumunta kami ni Bien sa McDo para kumain, galit nag alit s’ya. Bakit daw sa McDo ako pumunta imbes na pumunta sa bahay nila sa Binangonan. Kumain lang ako ng dinner, di sila makapagluto. Sabi n’ya, “Bakit, kaya naman kita pagluto dito ah? Bakit hindi ka dito dumiretso?”

Ang labo.

Ayaw n’ya nalumalabas ako kahit dito lang sa labas ng village. Sobrang nakakasakal.

Sabi nga nila Jiggs, para akong tuta, di ako nagsasalita.

Tingin mo pano naiinfluence ng settlement n’yo ni Pearl ‘yung twins?

Wow. Iba ‘yan ah. Uhm… ‘Yung view nila on family won’t be the traditional view on family. Na, di ba? Like since na ganun na nga, naghiwalay kami. Ako ‘yung bale absent sa buhay nila, hindi nila properly maassess ‘yung role ng male sa relationship or ‘yung role ng male sa society in general kasi nakikita nila ‘yung influence ng mom. And the mom of Pearl that they live with din, has no husband. So, ‘yun ‘yung nakikita kong lacking sa kanila., ‘yung father figure, male figure. But I always try to fill my void. My friend lives in Melbourne, si Mike. Ah… I ask him to look out for them there.

Wait, alam ba nila Kimora kapag nag-uusap kayo ni Pearl?

No, they’re 4.

Do they tell you na they want you to be together again?

No. Si Kimora was saying something a week before she left pala. She mentioned a lot of names, we were in the play pen tapos biglang sabi n’ya, “This is my house. Only people that can enter are Jaime, daddy and mommy.” Bigla n’yang binago kasi nakita n’ya si Silas dumaan, “and Uncle Si…” Pero ‘yung una apat lang ‘yung minention n’ya. Siguro, ‘yun.

INFORMANT 15 Conflict Negotiation Strategy

Can you tell us the story of how you got to the decision to marry?

Parang nakalimutan ko na. (laughs) Well, we were steady for 8 years, and then we were married for 10 years. The decision to marry was of course, sabihin na natin, because of love and respect. College palang kasi kami siya na yung boyfriend ko, ayun. Pretty much it ended na ikakasal kami. So ayun. How did we get to the decision to get married? We really planned to get married during the 8 years of beings steady, we talked about how many kids, yung ganun? We were always together, I was working in Makati, travels from

Pampanga and he would visit me. Ayun, magkasama na kami all throughout the 8 years.

We never had major major problems. Of course, merong mga away alam mo naman yan, away away after ilang araw bati na ulit kayo. Then, he was really nice, he was really loving, then. Then.

Factors to consider why marry? Like age?

Age, factor? We were not really conscious about our ages although at that time, I was 25, he was 3 years eh, 28. Tumama lang siya. College kasi kami na yung magkasama, yun.

Time? Time na magkasama kami?

Or other factors pa po kung may maisip kayo?

It was our sole decision. Actually, my lolo kind of wanted someone else instead of him.

Ayaw niya sa kanya, siya ang nagsasabi, “hindi” ganyan ganyan. Hindi ko alam ano ayaw. He would’ve wanted another suitor of mine before. Actually, magboyfriend na kami naliligawan pa ko. Haba ng hair no? (laughs) Punta naman po tayo sa separation, how did you come to the decision to separate?

Interviewee:Okay, mahaba dahil nga 10 years ito eh, sabi ng mga kapatid ko, 10 years kaming nagsama pero actually 5 years lang kami talagang magkasama. In the 10 years, 1 year kami magsasama, 1 year kami maghihiwalay, 1 year kaming babalik nanaman tapos maghihiwalay nanaman. So parang extreme ang scenario versus the one na hindi pa kami kasal. It’s.. I don’t know, maybe I’m… During the time before the marriage, he was the only one I trusted, kasi best friend mo eh. After the marriage, ayun nga. Mas makikilala mo nga yung guy. Mas makikilala mo kung sino yung partner mo kapag magkasama na nga kayo. So of course I (inaudible) about him na which yung trust nawala. When it comes to money, parang at the end of the day narealize ko ako lang pala yung gumagastos sa family namin. So I never saw during that time, yun ang laging point of discussion namin, “where’s your salary?” I never saw his paycheck, he never gave me.

Hindi ko hinihingi. Kunwari kung ano lang ibigay, magbibigay siya ng 2 thousand, edi tatanggapin ko until such time na mangaganak na ko sa 1st child. Ako yung nagbayad ng ospital, ako yung nagbayad nung binyag. Yung nga ganun. Sandali lang. I never realized na magbibigay siya ng 1 thousand, 2 thousand yun na yon. Eh when in fact, hindi lang pala yin ang kinikita niya. Ayun, and then some of my friends, syempre magkakasama kami diba yung mga husbands hawak nila yung ATM, ganun ba yung sabi ko, “bakit ako?

Hindi ko nakikita yung ganun?” So when I started asking him about we need to buy ganyan, nagiging irritated na siya kasi nagtatanong na ko. Hanggang until such time na hindi na ko humihingi, pero nagiging cold na ko. Confirmed pa yun nung nagfile kami ng joint income tax return. Kasi makikita mo naman dun eh and then yung nire-recall ko nung past year, parang hindi naman ganito kalalaki yung mga binibigay niya eh. So yun, dun ko nakita na ganito kalaki yung narereceive niya the past year halos pareho kami

pero wala akong nakikitang investment, wala ring napupunta sakin. Kung kailangan ng anak ko ng diaper ako pa rin ang bibili. Hindi ako humihingi eh. Kung bibigyan niya ko, tatanggapin ko, pero hindi ako hihingi. Nung nakita ko lang yon, humihingi na ko. Doon unang nagrevolve yun, I felt betrayed. Hindi ka nagbibigay ng tamang support. Hindi na yon natanggal. Pero nangulit nanaman, bibigay nanaman after ayun.

How long were you separated po?

Since we were separated, 8 years na. To date ha, we separated in 2005, today’s 2013.

How is your communication with your former spouse?

Rare. Very very rare. Initially, during the first few years he would send me text messages, and during the 8 years when he would text me, parang bumabalik? Gusto niya, mabuo ulit ang family. Ayoko na. Ang ano ko kasi, there are other things. He finds me too strong for him so nangyayari kapag may diskusyon, he would beat me. So there’s that something.

Hindi din siya umalis sa posisyon niya, ewan ko ngayon, hindi ko na siya tinatanong kung anong nangyayari sa kanya eh. So he feels… ang tawag niya sakin boss. Eh ako naman kapag nasa bahay, I try to… para magblend kami pareho. No matter how hard I try na bumaba, feeling pa rin niya dominante ako. Ano gusto mong gawin ko? Lumuhod na ko? Parang hindi naman na yata tama yun. Ang perception ko, he’s very very insecure.

I was earning more, I was promoted every year, I changed cars, mahilig siya sa kotse, I change cars every promotion. Sa’kin, walang problema yung mga yon, binibigay nila sakin eh why not? Siya naman, ang nirereklamo niya, I don’t have time for the family. I admit kasi itong course ng 10 years na ‘to, part of the 8 years, 13 years, I was in another part of the industry na full time din kaya lang very rare ako makauwi because of work, marketing din siya sa dami ng trabaho although marami din dito kasi nakakauwi ako. I admit na nagkulang ako kasi wala akong time for him at nawalan ako ng time para sa mga bata. Isa din yung araw na ako kasi, I was so disappointed in him about him not giving me support. Of couse, part of the relationship of husband and wife is sex life, right?

Initially, I was the one na nagtataka bakit hindi kami nagsisiping, hindi kami naguunite.

Eh sabi niya syempre, pagod na din siya okay. Tapos nung nasira na nga ito, ako na rin yung nawalan ng gana sa kanya. Nagbu-build up yung distrust, nawala na rin. Hindi ko naman kasi pwedeng sabihin na hindi ko siya love nung time na yun. Mahal ko siya, but the trust ang bilis niyang na-replete. Hindi niya nakuhang i-replenish, nababawasan at nababawasan pa each time. I realized na hindi na this will no longer exist na I fell out of love. Hanggang sa dumating na yung time na I asked him to move out of the house, because it’s my mom’s house.

In what ways do you communicate?

Although very rare? Kunwari, in a year, siguro once or twice lang. Kung may sakit ang mga bata or may kailangan sa school na kailangan kaming dalawa.

So nagdecrease yung frequency ng contact?

Oo. Ang hindi ko binawasan is yung relationship ng mga anak ko sa kanya because yun yung kinatakot ng mga anak ko. It was so difficult to explain to them na akala nila, makikipaghiwalay, hindi na nila makikita yung Daddy nila. So there was a time na galit na galit ang mga anak ko sa’kin dahil siguro kapag wala na ang Daddy sinasabi, ako yung gusto na maghiwalay kami hindi na siya makikita. Sabi ko, hindi, anytime pwede niya kayong sunduin. Anytime, pwede. Pinayagan ko yun, I didn’t impose any restriction, anytime na gusto niya kayong sunduin, sa kanya matulog ng kahit anong oras, anong araw, okay, fine. Nung naramdaman nung mga bata, pinakita ko naman, ang ano ko lang, magsabi kayo na dun kayo matutulog para lang alam ko. Baka pag-uwi ko wala kayo, di ko alam kung nasa kaklase ba kayo or saan diba? You just tell me. Fine. Nung nakita nung mga bata na I supported that, nagtransform sila into.. I didn’t know how it was important to the kids to be with their Dad as well.

So, personal po? Face to face?

Kami? We can’t ng face-to-face. Kasi, papano ba? We would… He has the tendency to bring back the past memories, nakalipas na anong tawag dito. Nanunumbat siya, nasira ang family natin dahil sayo ganyan, ganyan. Sabi ko, grow up. It’s been 7 years.

Tanggapin mo na hindi na tayo pwedeng magsamang dalawa. As in ginaganyan ko siya, if you find someone better, go ahead. I’m not giving you any, pero siya hinaharang niya yung mga nanliligaw sakin. There was a time na nagpalit kami ng anak kong babae, so syempre kapag nagpalit akala ko kasama na yung mga messages. May manliligaw ako.

Ang ginawa niya nandun yung cellphone number, andun yung message, binasa niya pala.

Tinwagan niya ngayon yung guy, nagulat. Alam naman nung guy na I had a previous marriage, alam niya. As sinabi niya, wag ganto , wag ganyan, yung asawa ko. Sa kanya, ganun pa rin. And then, yung maliligaw ko tumawag sakin. So ako naman galit nag alit.

Bakit mo pakikielaman ang mga kaibigan ko, di ko pa naman boyfriend yun eh, never naman kita at saka wala naman akong alam sayo. Try to mingle, try to go out and find new friends, ganun pa yung ano ko sa kanya. Parang hindi naman mapuputol ng life ang paghihiwalay. You just have to accept na we’re not for each other. Kung mag-stay tayo araw-araw tayong nagaaway. You just have to accept na it would help for us to just be friends for the kids. Tapos iyak ng iyak yung mga bata, it’s no longer healthy and I’m not going back. I’m happy na nakalabas ako. I think okay naman na siya pero until like, last year? He was still pursuing, pero yung pursuing na nambubuyo? Instead na manunuyo or mahulog ka ulit, ang dami dami ng ano sayo, “siguro ang dami dami mo nang boyfriend ano? Ganun. Sinabi ko nalang, “don’t you realize na in those 7 years that we’re separated narinig mo ba ko na may dine-date na iba? Wala. Nako.

So text din po?

Text, very rare.

Call?

Hindi.

Internet?

Hindi rin. Ewan ko kung siya kung yung FB ko, syempre naka-connect ako sa anak ko.

Siya naka-connect siya sa anak niya. Well, siguro tumitingin din siya sa kung ano yung networks ko.

Kapag po yung text na rare, ano po usually yung topic of conversation niyo?

Yung like, for example, “Ihahatid ko si Alex sa Sunday ng ganitong oras.” Yung neutral nalang, ganun na lang.

So we go to the topic na po, financial matters? Napaguusapan po ba yung financial?

Hahahaha! Okay, ganito. Financial matters. First few years, we separated, nada. Ang ano niya eh, hiningi mong humiwalay sa’kin, sige. He never gave a single centavo. So, I’m asking for support he never gave. He never gave. Ako naman, sige. Wala, salamat. Pero actually sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, you can actually file a case for support. Oh, sige eventually magfi-file ako ng case. Tapos iba-back rin ako niyan eh. Until such time na sinabi ko, “you have to support one of the kids, at least yung education man lang.” The food, shelter, yung bahay ako nagbibigay, yunglahat ng ginagamit nung mga bata sakin yon. Kapag kukunin niya, ayun siya na mag-aano pero other than that wala, okay fine.

For as long as meron naman akong kinikita nagkakasya naman samin ng mga anak ko.

Yung paguusap niyo po ng financial matters, ano po yung ginagamit niyong media for that?

Text din. Kasi nga kapag face-to-face, kailangan meron akong pulis na naka-abang. Kasi he has a tendency na umiinit yung ulo niya. There was a time na pinapulis ko siya. Kasi we were nasa bahay kami ng nanay ko, with the kids, we were there. Paguwi ko, nadatnan ko siya na nadunsa loob ng bahay ng nanay ko. Sabi ko, bakit ka nandyan sa loob? You weren’t even supposed to go inside. Kasama siya ng mga anak niya okay. So, ano ang gusto mong mangyari nagyon, sabi ko? Kasi ako, I would like to ask you to step out. Kasi wala nakong ano eh, if there’s anything na lalapit sakin, anong tawag dito, may invasion of privacy na. May ganun na ko, I don’t want you stepping inside my house, anything my property, parang ganun na. So kapag maguusap kami, kinukwento ko lang.

Sumisigaw siya. Sabi ko, I don’t think you are in the right position to shout at me kasi nasa bahay ka ng parents ko. So sabi ko nga, you might want to step out. Dun ka.

Whatever you want to say but not inside the house. Ayaw niya lumabas. Umalis ako,

nagdrive ako papunta sa police station. Humingi ako ng police assistance. Pinalabas siya ng police, naka-convoy sakin yung police. Inimbitahan siya sa station, diba nakakahiya?

Ang objective ko nun is mapalabas siya. Kinukwento na niya yung past, edi yung officer, nakatingin lang siyang ganyan. Sabi, Sir mukhang kung yan po yung reklamo niyo kay Ma;am mukhang kailangan hindi dito yung venue. File a case na. Kasi ang sabi niya, nakikipagdate daw ako sa ibang guys. So be it, sabi ko. Nirereklamo mo na lumalabas ako? Natatwa nga yung police. Ganun siya.

Satisfied po kayo sa ganung set up? On financial matters po?

Right now, yes okay naman ako. Pero syempre kung magbibigay siya, yes, why not?

Relatively, okay lang ako. Satisfied but I will be more satisfied if he is going to support.

But right now yung wala na kong makukuha sa kanya other than the education of one child.

When you told him that, kamusta yung manner of conversation niyo?

Initially, he was defensive. I was even asking you have to share for food, you have to share for electricity, you have to share for the house kung saan tumitira yung mga anak mo. Even the illegitimate children na anak sa labas, nasusustentuhan yon. Well, eh ayaw niya. He was defensive, ang gusto mo ngayon, magdemanda ka. Sabi ko, okay sige.

Pinapatulan. Eventually, I intend to.

Do you talk about legal matters po? Legal separation?

Yes, yes.

Kapag naguusap kayo ng legal matters, meron po ba kayong mediator?

Wala. Actually hindi pa natatapos ang usapan namin diyan eh. I have to admit I was the one, ako talaga yung humingi ng separation. Dahil ako yung humingi ng separation, ineexpect niya ako yung magfi-file. Eh because of the court, malaking pera din yun eh 200 thousand din yon, diba. I wouldn’t want to spend 200 thousand for you, diba? Gusto magshare 100 thousand sakin. Ayaw naman niya. Parang, ikaw ang may gusto na maghiwalay tayo, ikaw ang gumastos. Ganun siya. I’m not sure if there’s a law na magaano kung pano kung matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita. I think 7 years ano na, right now I;m okay pa naman.

Sa text niyo din po napaguusapan yun?

Oo. Pag nanunumbat nanaman siya. (laughs) Yung sa visitation schedules, di naman kailangan i-text pa?

Hindi na, hindi na. Not unless he would take the kids for a long vacation. For example,

pupunta sila ng Subic and they will be staying there for a couple of days. Mag-text lang siya. Ngayon, ang mga bata na ang nagsasabi. Hindi na siya.

So yung settlement regarding legal issues, wala pa rin po?

Wala pa rin, oo. Ang gusto niya, ako ang gumastos. He doesn’t want to shell out money.

Why would I spend money on you? Yun ang ano ko. Mag-asawa nalang ako ng foreigner, siya nalang magbayad para wala na.

Regarding po parental responsibilities naman, napaguusapan niyo po ba ng former spouse?

Hmm, hindi.

Yung love, affection, attendance on school events…

Attendance on school events, the kids are the ones na nagsasabi. Kunwari, “mama, meron kaming ganitong program… sinong pupunta?” Tapos, You want your dad to go? You tell him. Sabi kong ganun, kung okay sila, okay tayo. Walang ano sakin. Ikaw nalang daw muna ang sumama sabi ni Daddy. Yun yung ano, through the kids na.

Wala po kayong agreement on Wala.

Sa text din po?

Hindi na, sa children na. It’s the children who would say na may program sila. Kasi, ayun.

Mamaikaw nalang ang pumunta. Ikaw ang gustong pumunta. Yun ang sasabihin ng mga bata. Kapag hindi naman ako pupwede, you ask your Dad if he can come.

Are you satisfied with your comm. With your former spouse?

Am I satistied,,, well, yes. If that is the setup then yes, ayoko nang… kasi iba nga ang ugali eh. Parang if it will mean na magusap kami ng harapan na susumbatan niya ko dahil wala akong time sa kanya. Eh ako ayoko naman na magsumbat na hindi na nagbibigay ng money, ganito, you beat me up. Ayoko na balikan yon. Ayoko din na lagi kasing lumalabas na, why do you go out, ilang boyfriend ka na. Ganun yung mga tanong niya everytime na magkita kami. Kung maghaharap tayo, maguusap tayo pero ganyan ang mga tanong mo, wag nalang tayo magusap, diba? Sobrang peaceful na ko.

So hindi niyo na siya nakikita, yung sa kids nalang talaga?

Yeah.

Yung effect naman ng set-up niyo with your children. Do your children

communicate their feelings about the setup?

Okay lang sila. They’re used to the setup. They never said that they are comfortable, although sa;kin kasi I’m fine for as long as they are happy. When they see both me and their dad diba? Na hindi together parang okay na sila. Diba, okay na sila sa weekend, tas they stay with me for a while balik na, as in Hi Mama! Theyre so sweet na punta sila sakin ayun.

How does your settlement of matters yung agreement na pwedeng dalawin, pano po siya nakakaaffect sa child niyo?

My kids have gotten used to it na ganun yung setup ko na their Dad can’t step inside my house. .

Pero nung fresh pa po yung separation?

Nung fresh pa yung separation they were thinking, iniwan na sila ng Dad nila. Nung umuwi sakin, umiiyak yung dalawa sabi ko bakit kayo umiiyak? Di na namin makikita si Daddy, sabi ko bakit hindi niyo na makikita? Kasi separated na kayo ni Daddy. Why do you think na hindi niyo na siya makikita? Ang sabi ko, your dad can visit you anytime, everyday. Sakin kasi sila nagsstay, malapit sa bahay ko, so sa weekends you can go with your dad. Ganun. So yon, they were mad at me. Pero okay na kasi nga I stayed true at my promise na I won’t stop them from seeing their Dad. Akala nila itatago ko na sila. Kasi that’s what happened with the other kids na separated ang parents, diba parang hindi pinapakita? Tapos hindi ine-entertain yung father. They we’re thinking ganun daw yung mangyayari, sabi ko, sino nagsabi sayo? Someone made them think that way. Hindi ko na pinipilit kasi it’s traumatic for them. You can go to your Dad and visit him but if you made him go inside the house malalagot kayo sa’kin. Yun lang ang hiningi ko. No restriction, if you want to stay with him for a whole month or a whole year that’s fine.

Maarrest lang yung feelings nila na hindi na nila makikita yung Daddy nila. Hindi nila ko makikita. Pinakita ko na anytime any day pwede. Naging confident sila at natuto. I think they are stronger now. I think kasi nung earlier years, iyak sila ng iyak.

Yun na po yung last question. Balikan lang po natin. Sa text, sino po nagiinitiate ng contact?

Depende kung sino may kailangan. For example, before kunwari susunduin yung isang bata. Nakalimutan yung susi so ngayon ihahatid niya yung bata, yung anak ko. Wala pa ko. Kunwari, lumabas ako, wala pa ko sa house so hindi sila makapasok ngayon kasi nakalimutan nga yung susi. So ayun, magtetext na yun, “asan ka na? matagal na kami dito.” There was a time din na nagsimba ako, hinahatid na niya yung dalawang bata naiwan nanaman yung susi.