Dedicated to
Finding love…
Lost in her shadow
Shoaib
EVERYTHING
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As truly said by someone ‘’the love that lasts the longest is the love which is never returned.’’
Walking by these empty lanes, I see myself fading away …
Yet I know…
Somewhere deep inside of you .you loved me back and it was true …
I tried to say, I tried too hard … Each moment I missed, a moment of love …
Now just left with memories back when, A lonely man trailing the solitary lanes …
Love was there and love will be …
The flames will burn in the air it breathes.
Even though you never loved me back, I’ll love you for eternity.
You‘ll never knows, how much you mean to me …
I didn’t know how to confess what my feeling are;
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If only I could know, if the door to your heart were ajar...
I would’ve poured out what I felt back then. And those times have passed …
Just left with memories back when, now a lonely man trailing the solitary lanes …
It was too late then, you were gone… But this day I have so much to say,
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Infinity
Based on real life incident that took place in the world we live in.
PRESENT DAY, 23 APRIL 2022 15
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I take my medicines of antidepressant and anti-anxiety and I am in terrace right now it’s about 7:00 pm, and the weather is so cold and it’s about 9C in Poland, Air is blowing and I feel so good now because Recently I chat with panvi after so long time ahh well I am really crying badly first time ever. I cannot able to control my tear at any cost. I am feeling so sad and really nobody able me out at this situation fuckkk I have not any family friends no one really, I totally broken inside…. She is in call and she is listening to me with no mercy and love I don’t know where the fukin word left I really don’t know she have no care about me that girl that said to me I will never ever leave you at any cost, I promise Shoaib I promise and I also hardly promise to my Mataji and really Shoaib I was not done the fake promise to my Mataji (God) from my past …
I will never ever forget that word and our memeories.by the way I have wear a black thread with tabiz on my left hand and I hope she also, tabiz that she sends to me and here I am going to share my full story here because she told me that Shoaib the story that you told me that was everything is lie and your fairytale story … fuck… how can I prove that panvi that I have done anything with ourself I know I told you lie but not everything… I will accept everything but I will love you ever .and only for you I am going to share my true story baby…I will definitely come back one 2022 April 23 … I am maintaining my daily diary entry ... same as well I copied on that as summary of my life… and recently I feel can I fucked the word promise arghhh!!
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PAST 9 MARCH 2005
Ahh… we are in Delhi with my family with full of happiness we spent a lot of time, mummy that she loved me and my father take dual shift for our happiness and my mummy also doing job … My father and mother having love marriage and they loved each other …. But their parents didn’t accept them ... I was 3 years old I remember everything … we have an owned house in Delhi and exactly at 10AM my father said to my mummy come with me I will drop you in your office and the thing is this was our last day …yeah
I have a brother he was a year old at that time... and we are in room after 9 hours some open our house; they carry me and my brother and we came at accident point and I really remember that horrible day my parents are on the road the car was fully crashed and the parents are full of blood I was just emotionless …
Everything is finished just a moment I will never ever forget that point.
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LOVE! why do we love someone? and what do we love about them? is it the way the person walks? The way they talk? or is it the way they behave and care about things? or perhaps it is all of this? what does it take to fall in love? maybe all it takes is a glance? a glance that makes us
Really, they are just temporary…
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whole, transforms us into a precious and desirable crystal, every part of which glitter with the brilliance of love. but what is it exactly, this thing we call “love”?
I had often thought of love as something one sees only in the movie or reads about in books. But that isn’t the case, is it? love real, like my hand and my thoughts and the very air around us.
Let me give you an example, the word engaged for me had always existed in the context of a phone line being busy – you know how when you call a person and their phone is busy, you say that the person on the other side is engaged? well, in such a situation, you are likely to either stay on the line until the person puts their caller on hold and attends to your call, or you call the person again after sometime. But when it comes to the social concept different, once you are engaged, others don’t stay on the line or call you call back later (metaphorically speaking, of course!). and they shouldn’t really. because that’s what an engagement ceremony’s purpose is after all. It’s like how in some parts of India, people keep their handkerchiefs on a seat of the bus or the train they are travelling in and say, “hey! that’s my seat “similarly with an engagement ceremony, it’s like saying,” hey! that’s my girls!
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Okay okay okay I am not going to waste your time now let’s continue and back to the story
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JANUARY 2018
As I already told you, I am in class 10th and I am excellent in mathematics and science , and by default every one called me genius in class …
Its game period and all the students in playground all the boys are playing volleyball except me I want to play badminton and I am good in badminton but the girls are playing badminton so I am in school bus that parked in playground, so I am solving questions … A girls named Insha she entered in the bus … she said to me it’s a playtime go and play volleyball … I said to her no I am good I don’t like to play volleyball … and I am better in badminton ... she said to me come come she gave a racket to me and too said to me let’s play…I said are you sure ... insha ; yeah
I explain the rule that how to play badminton … there are 18 girls here . we start playing and I won each and every single game… they just telling me how could you do this … can you please trained me everyone happy to me…
We came to the class and suddenly principle came into our class and told that a science exhibition held on 17 January so everyone has to participate in the science exhibition and it’s an order … and make a team with group of 4 students … now everyone came Infront of me …. What next ? they all wants to be my team … but we already make a team with Abhishek ,inder ,Shahbaz and I … suddenly khushnuma and insha came in front of my desk and they told me that we want to be in your team.
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I said to all of her we had already make a team with my friends, Insha said please; I said to insha if the principle gets the permissions, then it’s okay, we will add you with this group …so she agrees for that … she get the permission to principle… so, we add insha and khushnuma to our group … I defined the model to our group member every said yeh its best we will win this exhibition…
Insha said yeh scientist kaha se lata h etna dimag ?
I said nothing ahh I don’t know … God gifted ? yeh God gifted
Insha: bohot intelligent hai re tu really …. Humlogo ko bhi sekha de kuch?
I said to her: yeah of course.
After that the class if over and I reached in home I try to work on my model … next day of school she came to me and said that we don’t wants to stay in your team because our house is far away forming your house so we are not able to do up and down from your house on daily basis
…
I said OK no problem.
After sometime according to DC order school has been closed from 10 January to 15 January.
And the exhibition is held on 17 January .
We decided that we have to work on that model any how so you have to come in my home and all
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of me has been ready for that but I already I have only my mind and idea I have no money …
Abhishek : humlog hai na hmlog paise dege tum model banao
I said ok
We start on that I lost 4 days but I have not any best idea I want to make free energy the energy that can be stored and with help our our weight it will be generated but currently I have no idea how its formed and we have lost 1250 rupees on that …
Midnight 15 January
I ask to me : can we generate an energy with the help of weight ?
Me : no, it’s not possible ! But we know that energy can be generated by dynamo
Suddenly I take a mini dc motor and combine with many different combinations of motor with different pully ahhh its works… now I try to generate 12v dc it successfully works … I had made the impossible to possible.
Yes, I generate 12AC current with my own weight without any battery and any source …
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Toady at 3PM 15 January
All of team my members we meet at my home and explain my idea they are happy with my idea they want to go with my idea
And within a day I completed our science model …
17 JANUARY 2018
We reach in the class in the class and all of them wants to see our model because I covered with some newspaper… yeah so, I said to everyone this will only disclosed on exhibition so wait some time …
insha came Infront of me she said may you please help me …
I said to her yeah sure tell me?
She said we made some mistake we are not able to make circuit on our model so please make this circuit
I just left my model on my desk and a reach on her desk with my UPS and soldering iron. I have done the circuit and with new connection and functions….
She said thanks Shoaib Now all of them reach in school ground with our model and doing setup …
Exhibition start first my principle and the secretory sir came Infront of me 37
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Principle sir :it looking so good with full of wire and and connection and what is that look like a bomb
I said : ahh well it’s a metal detector
And here you can see diagram and images
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Diagram of this circuit
And most of the crowd in my section everyone asking me that could you please explain the circuit and many question but I didn’t explain the full circuit diagram with any one … after 4 hours it’s time for result that who won this exhibition.
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I said to insha : yeah well, I know that the winner’s name I think your team will win this .
Insha said : no not at all, you are doing better you will win this …
Now the principle announced the winner’s name: the first award goes to the class 12 team Sana. A girl name Sana she made a dialyses machine.
I said to Abhishek : I think we will not win this an di want to go home right now
Abhishek said : don’t worry we have done the best.
After that
The principle announced the second winner’s name :the sec and one of the best awards goes to Shoaib Rashid group,
My all of the team members happy and just run toward the stage …they give the award to me and said your thought is superb but what you want to be ;
I said : ahh first of all I would like to thanks to all and my friend that they spent money on my thought over there without and doubt and I make this with the help of waste product …and the second thing I want to be a IITIAN Engineer …
Principle sir said : Shoaib your thought is so cheap! you have to be a scientist.
PICTURE OF THAT TIME
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Now we all reach at our section and I saw that insha is crying, we all of them are just unable to understand that why is she crying, and all of them watching included teachers and all students
I said to insha : inshaaa… why are you crying? See !just listen to me see in my eyes ? she makes eye contact with me and spoke Insha said : nothing I am good Shoaib
I said to her : with wiping her tears ? insha tell me why are you crying ? ahh I think you are not happy that we won this ?
She said to me : no ! your think is absolutely wrong Shoaib …. This was the last program in our
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school for me after the farewell we will not here … so I just want to win this because I already told my parents that I will definitely win this award .
I said to her :that’s its ! no issue I and everyone knew that your model is superb so take this award this is yours.
She said :No, we all are happy that you won, but you are going to give a small party to all of us right because you won .( with drop of tear on her eyes )
I said to her : yeh ofcourse insha … what you want to eat tell me
Khushnuma said : pizza khayega ? insha
Insha said…( with tears and cry ): … no ,nhi sirf simla mirch hota or khasar lagta hai.
I said that :ok ok we do it leave it for that time and we will you all of you a party tomorrow.
I said to her : insha just stop and don’t cry ?
khushnuma said ; insha don’t cry
laxmi ma’am (hindi teacher ): khushnuma leave only shoaib is able to helpful for insha to calm down … “wahi handle kr skta h ussse chorr do tum”
now everyone goes back to classroom she sitting on her desk and she is so said and crying
I go to in front of her and said that insha I am really telling you please take this award and stop doing this … now she stops crying and said no I am fine now … and she gone to the school bus.
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Farewell last day of our school
25 JANUARY 2018
This is our last day in school and I am waiting to see her and I am asking to everyone that where is she? Suddenly I saw her ahhh she is looking so pretty ?and I have never seen before like that anyone girl
I wore a black coat with a black shirt and black pant means everything is black because this is my favorite color.
A girl is from class 9 she came in front of me and give me a red rose she said you are looking so handsome…
I said to her thanks well I have to go ….
After sometime every program and everything that’s organized for farewell has been over and really everything was superb … so everyone is in the ground and they are just exchanging phone number and taking selfies and I have also taken a selfie with her ahh done
After some days we texted on WhatsApp just sharing mems and jokes.
And for texting I haven’t any phone so in my house a blackberry phone is present that no one use it so I just taken that phone a start using this phone without showing anyone in my house silently… and after some days my uncle see that I have a phone…then my uncle beat me badly… my left
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hand just broke and exam will held within 10 days,
10th Exam time February 2018
I am suffering from flu and cold I have taken injection and tablet now I go for exam and similarly I clear all exam with flu and my broken hand I am able to written with both the hand. My left-hand work smoothly when I am solving mathematic and numerical .
Now , I haven’t any sources that I could be text her. My uncle snatches the phone that I used. I start reading book and novel. I completed the class 11th and 12th science within 2 months after that the result announced and I passed with 93% on 10th mathematic 87 out of 100 and science 93 out of 100 and left of the subject I just passed and just leave I am not interested on left of the subject …
June 2018
I want to talk to insha but how? I have any source that I can talk to her .
After that I said to my uncle that I want to study science ahh I want to go with the science stream … uncle laugh and said you want to choose science but cannot and I don’t need your opinion if you want to study further than I will choose what subject that you will study further.
July 2018
I said to my uncle: admission is going on and I want to take an admission in science
Uncle said : I already told you that I will decide your further stream and I already decide that you have to go with arts if you want to study than ok, I will do your admission .
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I said to uncle in calm voice : uncle I will not able to study on that subject please I request you please try to understand. I am interested in physic and mathematic so please I will doo everything that you will tell me.
Uncle said : ok I will decide , but now you have to take care of house and you have to clean the floor and do dusting okay 1!
I said : yes, ok and thanks
And I done very well that uncle told me and everyday every morning I request to my uncle that please the admission is going to close in every school and colleges….
After 6 months September
I requesting to my uncle everyday ,but no one in the house listen to me I don’t know why , by my friend gave an old phone to me because he is not able to see my sadness and all and he knew that I real need a phone.so first I try to find insha from every social network but I failed to find her… but I continuously try to find her
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4 APRIL 2019
Abhishek said to me : shoaib a going to held for IIT entrance exam after 10th so if you want to do that exam then I will pay for the examination fee but for that you have not taken any institution for that JEE exam.
I said to him : first they didn’t give me the permission for that exam and I know they will not allow for this …
Abhishek said to me : you have decided shoaib that what you want if you want to be in a golden cage then its okay !
I said to him after a day : yes, I am ready
10 April 2019
I wake up at 4am because I am going to Ranchi for that exam without my family or uncle permission and I know that they will take action for that… Ranchi is 100 km far from my location.
I said to my Dadi that I am going to Ranchi for my JEE exam.
Dadi said nothing,
At 7 Am I left the home and go in the car after… And the first time I listen to a song that is
You know you love me, I know you care, Just shout whenever, and I'll be there , You are my love ,, you are my heart , And we will never, ever, ever be apart ,
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Are we an item? , girl, quit playin' , "We're just friends" ,, what are you sayin'? , Said, "There's another" ,, and looked right in my eyes , My first love broke my heart for the first time, and I was like ,
"Baby, baby, baby, oh" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, no" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, oh" I thought you'd always be mine, mine
"Baby, baby, baby, oh"
Like, "Baby, baby, baby, no" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, oh" I thought you'd always be mine, mine
Oh, for you, I would've done whatever , And I just can't believe we ain't together , And I wanna play it cool ,, but I'm losin' you , I'll buy you anything ,, I'll buy you any ring ,
And I'm in pieces ,, baby, fix me , And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream , I'm goin' down (oh), down, down, down , And I just can't believe, my first love won't be around, and I'm like
"Baby, baby, baby, oh" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, no" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, oh" I thought you'd always be mine, mine
"Baby, baby, baby, oh" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, no" Like, "Baby, baby, baby, oh" I thought you'd always be mine, mine (Luda!)
When I was 13, I had my first love There was nobody that compared to my baby And nobody came between us, nor could ever come above She had me goin' crazy
Oh, I was starstruck She woke me up daily Don't need no Starbucks (woo)
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She made my heart pound
And skip a beat when I see her in the street and At school on the playground
But I really wanna see her on the weekend She knows she got me dazin' 'Cause she was so amazin' And now, my heart is breakin' But I just keep on sayin'
"Baby, baby, baby, oh"
Like, "Baby, baby, baby, no"
Like, "Baby, baby, baby, oh" I thought you'd always be mine, mine
"Baby, baby, baby, oh"
Like, "Baby, baby, baby, no"
Like, "Baby, baby, baby, oh"
I thought you'd always be mine, mine
I'm gone
Song By Justin Bieber
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We all reach at the examination hall after 3 hours . I done my exam very well but I hadn’t any idea about 3 questions
I reached back to my home after 8pm at night and this is the first time ever, again they beat me badly and everyone start taunting me torturing me because I start take decision by myself and without any permission I gone to that exam.
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