Shepherd Express - December 2023

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DECEMBER 2023

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IN THIS HOLIDAY ISSUE: DINING PAGE 22

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DECEMBER 2023 | 3

NEWS 06 Can We Get Fair Political Districts in Wisconsin?

07 This Modern World 08 No American Ever Has to Apologize for Being Antiwar — Taking Liberties 10 Renewable Natural Gas: A Neglected Source of Clean Energy?

— Issue of the Month 14 Nadiyah Johnson Envisions a New Technology Future for Milwaukee — Hero of the Month

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16 Milwaukee Fire Chief Aaron Lipski — MKE SPEAKS: Conversations with Milwaukeeans

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FOOD & DRINK 20 The Power of Curry — Flash in the Pan

SPECIAL SECTION 22 Dining Out on December 25 — Holiday Dining 26 Holiday Drink Guide 26 Three Holiday Cocktails to Make at Home — Beverages 29 Drink Locally This Holiday Season 32 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

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40 New Year's Eve Guide 46 Be Cautious in Buying Holiday Gifts for Pets — Pets

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CULTURE 48 The Milwaukee Public Museum Is Ready to Move Ahead, But Is Milwaukee Ready?

54 This Month in Milwaukee

LIFESTYLE 58 New Year, It's Time for Change — Ask Ally 60 Dad’s Wood and a Son’s Grief — Out of my Mind

HEAR ME OUT

SPONSORED BY

62 Don't Give the Gift of Herpes — Dear Ruthie 64 Stocking Stuffers — My LGBTQ POV

ART FOR ART'S SAKE 66 From the City that Always Sweeps

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46 AT SHEPHERD EXPRESS, WE ARE COMMITTED TO ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY AND RESPONSIBLE PRACTICES. OUR PUBLICATION IS PRINTED ON PAPER THAT IS CERTIFIED BY THE FOREST STEWARDSHIP COUNCIL (FSC), SUSTAINABLE FORESTRY INITIATIVE (SFI), AND THE AMERICAN TREE FARM SYSTEM (ASTFS), ENSURING IT COMES FROM RESPONSIBLY MANAGED FORESTS. IN ADDITION TO OUR ECO-FRIENDLY PAPER, WE UTILIZE INKS THAT INCORPORATE RENEWABLE RESOURCES SUCH AS SOYBEAN OIL, LINSEED OIL, CASTOR OIL, TALL OIL ROSIN, AND GUM ROSIN. THESE CHOICES REFLECT OUR DEDICATION TO REDUCING OUR ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT AND PROMOTING A GREENER FUTURE. MOREOVER, OUR DEDICATION TO SUSTAINABILITY EXTENDS TO THE END OF THE PUBLICATION'S LIFECYCLE. OUR PRINTED MATERIALS ARE DESIGNED TO BE RECYCLABLE, ALLOWING READERS TO PARTICIPATE IN THE CIRCULAR ECONOMY AND PLAY A PART IN PRESERVING THE ENVIRONMENT.

COVER: Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

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08 PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Louis Fortis (ext. 3802) GENERAL MANAGER: Kevin Gardner (ext. 3825) MANAGING EDITOR: David Luhrssen (ext. 3804) BUSINESS MANAGER: Peggy (ext. 3832) ASSISTANT TO THE BUSINESS MANAGER: Tanya Bielinski (ext. 3808) ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES: Bridgette Ard (ext. 3811) Julee Mitchell (ext. 3831) Tyler R. Klein (ext. 3815) SALES MANAGER: Jackie Butzler (ext. 3814) BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER: Chuck Hill (ext. 3822) IN MEMORY OF DUSTI FERGUSON (OCTOBER 18, 1971 – NOVEMBER 20, 2007) WEBMASTER: Barry Houlehen (ext. 3807) DIGITAL STRATEGIST: Sophia Hamdan (ext. 3803) STAFF WRITER & CIRCULATION COORDINATOR: Blaine Schultz (ext. 3813)

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DECEMBER 2023 | 5

NEWS

Can We Get Fair Political Districts in Wisconsin?

BY WILLIAM HOLOHAN

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he geographic boundaries of Wisconsin’s State Assembly and Senate districts have been called the most anti-democratic case of gerrymandering in the nation. Although party preferences of voters statewide—as demonstrated in recent elections for Governor and U.S. Senator—favor Democrats over Republicans by a 53 to 45 margin, Democrats won only 36% of the 99 Assembly seats, and similarly hold just over one-third of the seats in the State Senate.

Gerrymandering dissipates the Democratic voting strength through deliberate shifting of district boundaries in a process called “packing and cracking.” Packing refers to opportunistically shifting some district boundaries to corral an excess of Democratic voters, ensuring that within that district the Democratic candidate will win far more votes than needed to win that seat, thereby “wasting” the unnecessary votes. Cracking refers to shifting some Democratic voters into majority Republican areas but not enough for the Democratic candidate to win there. Instead, the Republican candidate still wins, albeit by a smaller margin, “wasting” fewer Republican votes and more Democratic votes.

The resulting Republican majorities in both chambers enable them to set the agenda, establish and chair the committees, and control the flow of legislation. The unrepresentative majorities lead to unrepresentative policy: Post-Dobbs reversion to the antiquated 1849 state law on reproductive rights; blocking a referendum to let the voters express their preferences on reproductive law as did the voters in Kansas and Ohio; reducing state funding per student in the UW system to 46th in the nation, including refusal to fund the much-needed Engineering building for the UW-Madison campus; and continuing to reject federal money for railroads and Medicaid, thereby costing Wisconsin taxpayers billions.

Since the April Wisconsin Supreme Court election victory of Judge Janet Protasiewicz, two lawsuits were filed in pursuit of “fair maps.” However, unless fairness is properly defined, and a proper method is implemented to achieve it, Wisconsin may wind up with district boundaries little better than the current rigged array. The fundamental reason is the concentration of Democratic voters in cities, a kind of “natural gerrymandering” that adds to the deliberate gerrymandering.

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ACHIEVING POLITICAL FAIRNESS Construction of maps must comply with several requirements. Maps must have districts that are contiguous, compact rather than sprawling; roughly equal population size; and must comply with federal election laws protecting the rights of minority voters. Because of the urban concentration of Democratic voters, these are necessary but not sufficient standards by which to achieve political fairness, however. As carefully argued by Judge Lynn Adelman (“Political Fairness in Redistricting: What Wisconsin’s Experience Teaches,” University of Memphis Law Review, 2019), and by former legislator and re-districting expert Fred Kessler (“How to Draw Fair Maps in Wisconsin,” Capitol Times, Nov. 14, 2020), fairness also requires that state-level decision-making in the legislature reflect state-level voter preferences as revealed in state-wide elections for governor and U.S. Senator. So, if Dems are earning 53 percent of the vote in state-wide elections, a fair map of district boundaries would provide a 50/50 chance of winning 53 percent of the state legislature’s seats as well.

ENTER DISTRICT SOLUTIONS, LLC This additional fairness criterion is inherently quantitative.

As Matthew Petering, Professor of Engineering and President of District Solutions LLC, explains, his algorithm can construct maps that answer the fairness question. First, maps for both the Assembly and the Senate districts can be drawn to provide proportional representation, despite the geographic concentration of the Democratic voters.

Second, the District Solutions algorithm can accommodate special cases, such as established districts for protected classes under federal law. In other words, the algorithm can be programmed to preserve hard-won districts representing Blacks and Latinos, while proceeding to redraw the other districts around the state.

Third, the District Solutions algorithm can construct maps on the basis of the usual requirements plus proportional representation. Its maps project a fair outcome with Democrats having a 50-50 chance of earning a majority in either chamber, or both, in proportion to the statewide vote.

Moreover, the algorithm can rate other maps on the basis of the fairness standard, as well as any of the other necessary requirements. For instance, the District Solutions algorithm analyzed the map proposed by the Wisconsin Senate Democrats in November 2021, and projects that map would provide the Democrats with just a 1.7% chance of winning a majority in the Assembly and an 18.9% chance of a majority in the state Senate.

Fourth, District Solutions LLC provides quantitative demonstration of the political and legal conclusion of Kessler and Adelman: because Democratic voters are more clustered in cities than the more widely dispersed Republican voters, any construction of fair maps must include the use of data on where voters live. Without residency data from recent state-wide elections, the algorithm cannot be calibrated to construct maps that produce proportional representation for voters of both parties. In their simulation without using voter data, District Solutions shows that, despite winning roughly 53% of the statewide vote, the most likely outcome for Democratic voters would be to win about 45% of the seats with very low likelihood of a majority in either chamber. While that is better than the current allocation of 36% of seats, it falls well short of fair.

The use of voter data is not partisan; it is the failure to use voter data that results in partisan bias. Proceeding without such data would yield maps biased in favor of Republicans and would preserve most of the imbalance now built into the current array of maps. This is the undemocratic case in neighboring Iowa, a state whose procedure our Assembly Speaker Robin Vos is proposing for Wisconsin.

William Holahan is emeritus professor and former chair of economics at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee

DECEMBER 2023 | 7

NEWS TAKING LIBERTIES

No American Ever Has to Apologize for Being Antiwar

BY JOEL MCNALLY Photo by Zeferli/Getty Images.

No one in America ever has to apologize for being antiwar.

Anyone who lived through the Vietnam war or the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan after 9/11 knows how easily U.S. politicians can be drawn into self-destructive wars with enormous costs in American lives and collateral damage to our nation lasting for decades.

Vietnam, the last war to draft young Americans to die for old men’s political decisions, removed the automatic support for “my country, right or wrong” politicians should never have in a democracy. Future secretary of state John Kerry, speaking for Vietnam Veterans Against the War to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in 1971, concluded with the moral question: “How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?”

Young Americans’ support for the antiwar movement in the 1960s was a natural extension of their involvement in that decade’s civil rights movement.

College and high school students, both Black and white, were the foot soldiers demanding democracy live up to its founding principles of equal rights for every American, regardless of race, gender or national origin.

HUMAN RIGHTS WORLDWIDE Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was among the first to make the direct connection between respecting the rights of all Americans and ending the colonialism of military involvement by the U.S. and European countries to create puppet governments in nonwhite nations. King’s leadership on both issues earned him even more hatred from White supremacists and a Nobel Peace Prize.

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Young activists have provided national leadership ever since to protect decades of progress in creating a more inclusive democracy that MAGA Republicans are desperate to roll back.

That includes reshaping the debate over U.S. involvement in the current war between Israel and the Palestinians.

itarian aid to innocent Palestinians trapped in the crossfire between Israel and Hamas. A soaring death toll for civilian Palestinian men, women and children could create more terrorists who feel justified in attacking Israel than it eliminates.

There was never any question President Biden would declare unwavering U.S. support for Israel to defend itself after Hamas terrorists killed 1,400 Israelis and captured 200 hostages.

U.S. support for Israel has been crucial for its survival ever since its creation in1948 surrounded by hostile Arab nations determined to destroy it.

Republicans keep trying to blame college campuses in the U.S. for the rise in antisemitism related to the war in Israel. There’s no mystery about the source of the tremendous increase in antisemitic and racist hate crimes in the last seven years.

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. WAS AMONG THE FIRST TO MAKE THE DIRECT CONNECTION BETWEEN RESPECTING THE RIGHTS OF ALL AMERICANS AND ENDING THE COLONIALISM OF MILITARY INVOLVEMENT

BY THE U.S. AND EUROPEAN COUNTRIES TO CREATE PUPPET GOVERNMENTS IN NONWHITE NATIONS.

But young Americans are way ahead of their elders in also calling out the inhumane treatment of Muslim Palestinians living in Gaza by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s far-right government. Gaza is described as the world’s largest open-air prison. More than two million people are densely packed into a 25-mile strip under an Israeli military blockade preventing people and goods from entering or leaving the territory.

That’s a breeding ground for terrorism, not protection from it. That’s why Biden has emphasized providing human-

FANNING HATE CRIMES

The first major national gathering of violent Nazis and Klansmen was the Unite the Right street riot in Charlottesville, Va., in 2017 celebrating Trump’s election. The last gathering closing out Trump’s presidency, which attracted many of the same participants from those hate groups, was Jan. 6, 2021, in Washington, D.C. The reason for the close personal relationship between the last president and Netanyahu is not because Donald Trump has any respect for Jewish people. In fact, he’s condemned Jews who fail to support him, possibly because of his support for Netanyahu.

The friendship is because the personal corruption and authoritarian political tendencies of Trump and Netanyahu are mirror images. They’re both under criminal indictment. Before the attack

by Hamas became the total focus of life in Israel, Netanyahu’s attempt to destroy Israel’s court system to stop it from prosecuting him had sparked street protests throughout the nation.

Trump is promising to do the same to the U.S. Justice Department.

THE REASON FOR THE CLOSE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE LAST PRESIDENT AND NETANYAHU IS NOT BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP HAS ANY RESPECT FOR JEWISH PEOPLE … THE FRIENDSHIP IS BECAUSE THE PERSONAL CORRUPTION AND AUTHORITARIAN POLITICAL TENDENCIES OF TRUMP AND NETANYAHU ARE MIRROR IMAGES.

Religious freedom in the U.S. for anyone other than rightwing Christians also will be threatened by the Supreme Court that overturned reproductive rights and Congress. House Republicans passed an ugly resolution of religious intolerance censuring Michigan Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, the only elected Palestinian American in Congress. She was accused of antisemitism and supporting terrorism for criticizing Netanyahu’s treatment of Palestinians in Gaza.

Tlaib defended her sincere support for the Palestinians she represents as “an aspirational call for freedom, human rights and peaceful coexistence, not death, destruction or hate.” Choking back tears, Tlaib said, “I can’t believe I have to say this, but Palestinian people are not disposable. We are human beings just like anyone else … The cries of the Palestinian and Israeli children sound no different to me.”

That compassionate message on behalf of the victims on both sides is why every healthy nation needs antiwar voices.

Joel McNally was a critic and columnist for the Milwaukee Journal for 27 years.

He has written the weekly Taking Liberties column for the Shepherd Express since 1996. For more McNally, visit shepherdexpress.com.

DECEMBER 2023 | 9

NEWS ISSUE OF THE MONTH

Renewable Natural Gas: A Neglected Source of Clean Energy?

BY E.G. NADEAU

Photo by vinodkumar Amberkhane/Getty Images.

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rom rural Uganda to Madison, Wisconsin, renewable natural gas (RNG) is an important source of clean energy that also has other major environmental benefits.

What is RNG? It’s a gas derived from organic waste material such as livestock manure, food waste, garden and lawn clippings and other animal and plant-based material. It is often concentrated on farms, in landfills and in waste treatment facilities.

The big difference between “natural gas” and renewable natural gas is that the former is a fossil fuel and the latter is a clean energy resource derived from current waste products.

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I first encountered the use of renewable natural gas as a clean energy resource when I was doing a 2006 research project on dairy cooperatives in Uganda. I met a middle-aged widow who was raising two daughters from the proceeds of a two-or-three-cow dairy farm. She sold the milk to her local co-op and used the cow manure to produce biogas. She had learned a simple technique from a dairy co-op advisor on how to build a small manure digester and to pipe the gas into her house. The biogas provided the energy for two small lamps and a gas cooking stove. She was able to pay the school fees for her daughters from the sale of milk and to provide lighting for them to study in the evenings.

“NATURAL GAS” AND RENEWABLE NATURAL GAS

Biogas and its more purified product, renewable natural gas (RNG), can be generated by an anaerobic digester that can be as simple as the one used by the Ugandan dairy farmer or it can be a multi-million-dollar processing facility.

Renewable natural gas, in contrast, is carbon neutral because it is derived from an ongoing recycling of plant and animal products. It also has the benefit of reducing methane emissions from landfills, livestock, food scraps, and other degradable waste products.

Renewable natural gas is a valuable environmental resource not only in communities in developing countries but those in developed countries as well, including Madison Wisconsin, where I live.

According to the American Biogas Council, there is a cornucopia of benefits from RNG and other biomass processing. “Biogas systems protect our air, water, and soil by recycling organic waste into renewable energy and soil products, while reducing GHG emissions.

Many people have the misconception that “natural gas” is a clean fossil fuel. In fact, it’s a dirty, nonrenewable source of energy. Natural gas is made up of almost 90% methane, a potent greenhouse gas, and is a major contributor to global warming. Natural gas produces slightly more than half as much carbon dioxide as coal when it is combusted, but it is prone to leak significant amounts of methane into the atmosphere at the wellhead, during its distribution, and at the point of combustion. Some scientists have concluded that because of this leakage, natural gas may be just as bad for global warming as coal.

DECEMBER 2023 | 11

NEWS ISSUE OF THE MONTH

Photo by Ralf Geithe/Getty Images.

“In the U.S., there is an urgent need to manage the millions of tons of food, water and animal waste. The main benefits of biogas systems come from the fact that they are recycling all this material while also producing renewable energy and soil products which displace fossil fuels.

“When you put these and other benefits together, we can prevent tons of carbon emissions from entering our air, prevent nutrients from entering our waterways, create healthier soils with natural, non-fossil fuel-based fertilizers, and produce reliable, baseload renewable energy.”

The American Biogas Council identifies substantial growth opportunities for these biogas-related benefits. In the United States alone, the Council projects that more than 15,000 new biogas systems could be developed.

Worldwide, there is massive potential for these systems.

TWO BRIEF EXAMPLES OF BIOGAS AND RNG USE EAST AFRICA

MADISON, WISCONSIN My favorite thing about living in Madison is the chain of lakes that runs through the city and the surrounding countryside. This beautiful resource, however, is not what it used to be. Seventy years ago, the lakes were crystal clear – excellent for swimming, boating, and picnicking along the shorelines.

Today, the lakes are plagued with weeds and periodic blooms of bluegreen algae that are toxic to humans and animals. On several summer days each year, the lakes stink because of the decaying vegetation.

The primary cause of this deterioration of the lakes' quality? Phosphorus runoff from the increasingly large nearby dairy farms that provide nutrients for the weeds and algae. In the past few decades, far more phosphorus has been imported to the Madison-area watershed in the form of chemical fertilizers and animal feed than has been exported from it as dairy, meat, and grain products. Thus, the mess the lakes are in today.

In East Africa (including Uganda), farmers and local communities are turning organic waste into biogas for cooking, lighting, and other household uses, while at the same time reducing carbon dioxide and methane emissions.

What does this lake problem have to do with renewable natural gas? Anaerobic digesters can radically reduce the amount of phosphorus runoff as well as the amount of methane generated by cow manure, landfills, and other sources of waste.

Since the vast majority of households in developing countries use dirty and unhealthy fuels such as bottled natural gas or scarce resources such as wood or charcoal for cooking and heating, biogas is an excellent clean energy alternative.

In fact, for the first time in the past seven decades or so, the Madison-area watershed is on the verge of exporting more phosphorus per year than it imports because of two recently installed manure digesters and one planned for 2024 or 2025, all of which will not

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only extract RNG from manure, but also remove harmful chemicals such as phosphorus. The long-term result will be increasingly clear lakes as well as the reduction of harmful methane emissions into the atmosphere.

The county landfill also has a new state-of-the-art processing facility that converts methane from landfills into RNG. The facility inserts this renewable gas—and that generated by manure digesters and other sources—into natural gas pipelines which allow the clean energy fuel to be used locally as well as transported to other parts of the country.

CONCLUSION Renewable natural gas needs to become a better-understood and more frequently utilized resource for creating a clean energy future on small dairy farms in Uganda as well as in metropolitan areas in the United States and other countries.

E.G. Nadeau, Ph.D., is a member of the Cooperative Society Project, a nonprofit organization dedicated to a future of cooperation, democracy, equitable distribution of resources and a sustainable relationship with nature.

DECEMBER 2023 | 13

NEWS HERO OF THE MONTH

Nadiyah Johnson Envisions a New Technology Future for Milwaukee BY

BY ERIN ERIN BLOODGOOD BLOODGOOD

Photo by Erin Bloodgood.

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or the last six years, Nadiyah Johnson has used her expertise in computer science to build her business and grow a tech hub in Milwaukee that accurately represents the makeup of the city—one that includes Black, Latino, Indigenous and other people of color.

Her business Jet Constellations builds custom software, such as applications, while the Milky Way Tech Hub is the social impact arm of the business.

Through the Milky Way Tech Hub, Johnson and her team create programming in schools and partner with technology companies to teach people in marginalized communities emerging technologies in computer science.

Because of her own experiences, Johnson knows that building an inclusive space in the technology industry is necessary. Throughout her schooling and career, she was used to being one of the few people of color—and sometimes the only woman—in the room. “I would see other peers trickle off because of the lack of support,” she said. “There were times where I definitely didn't feel like I belonged.”

DETERMINED TO CHANGE Her vision for this work started in 2017 when there was a buzz about turning Milwaukee into a tech hub. She typed the words “black” and “Milwaukee” 14 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

into Google, but what she found was a narrative of Milwaukee being one of the worst cities for Black people to live in. That was a narrative she was determined to change.

Now, she is driven by a vision to create new headlines that will one day read, “Milwaukee produces the most Blackled AI companies” or “Milwaukee produces the most Black millionaires in the technology space.”

Being the only Black woman in the room often comes with a price. She is constantly asked to speak on panels about race relations and equity—topics she is clearly passionate about— but, as she said, “I am not able to necessarily showcase what I have to offer to the technology industry because of my identity.”

In addition to running her business and the Milky Way Tech Hub, she is also writing her PhD dissertation on natural language processing, a branch of artificial intelligence (AI), and now sits on the Governor’s Task Force on Workforce and Artificial Intelligence.

Through her technology work, her goal is to be a futurist—one who can understand what the landscape of technology will look like in the future and work with people to create an ecosystem around that developing technology.

Moreso, she wants to ensure marginalized communities are being brought along in this rapidly changing technological world. By building curriculums and teaching workshops, Johnson is making sure communities of color have the tools and understanding to actively develop new technologies in a way that allows them to benefit from it— rather than simply be consumers.

“I want to make sure I’m not just going through doors, but leaving the doors open,” she said.

Her goals go far beyond building representation in the tech space. Rather, she wants people of color and people who are too often overlooked to be the ones creating programming and solutions that help advance technology. When they bring in new experiences and are an integral part of developing new technologies, those technologies can truly benefit everyone.

Learn more about Jet Constellations and the Milky Way tech Hub at jetconstellations.com.

Erin Bloodgood is a Milwaukee photographer and storyteller. See more of her work on her website at bloodgoodforo.com.

DECEMBER 2023 | 15

NEWS MKE SPEAKS: CONVERSATIONS WITH MILWAUKEEANS

FIRE CHIEF AARON LIPSKI (LEFT) MAYOR CAVALIER JOHNSON (RIGHT) Photo by Tom Jenz.

Milwaukee Fire Chief Aaron Lipski “I WORK WITH REMARKABLY FIT PEOPLE WHO EXHIBIT CARE AT THE DARKEST OF TIMES.” BY

BY TOM TOM JENZ JENZ

T

he Milwaukee Fire Department's motto is “Courage, Integrity and Honor.” After my conversation with Fire Chief Aaron Lipski, I concluded that he embraces these valuable traits.

We met at a downtown coffee shop on September 11, 2023, the 22nd anniversary of the 9/11 World Trade Center tragedy. Over 300 firefighters were killed in the line of duty. For Fire Chief Lipski, that day marks a sorrowful anniversary.

“We had several 9/11 memorials in Milwaukee this morning,” he said, “one at the War Memorial Center. I attended the event at our downtown fire department headquarters on Wells Street. We read aloud the names of the 343 fire-

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fighters who died at the World Trade Center. We do this every year on 9/11, and it brings up emotions. It was such a horrible tragedy.”

I think he wanted to say more, but the words would not come out. The mission of a firefighter is not just to save houses or buildings, but also to save lives.

Fighting fires means working inside a canopy of high risk.

Lipski is only 49, young for a big job. He is native to Milwaukee, having been raised in various residences on the North Side. His firefighter lineage goes way back to 1912. His dad, grandfather and great grandfather were Milwaukee firefighters.

When you were still a student, did you want to be a firefighter?

No, I wanted nothing to do with it. My father had been injured a number of times. He’d come home dog-tired and smelling like smoke, bandages over his wrists, sometimes broken bones.

Like many firefighters, the top of his neck and ears were burned. As a teen and young adult, I just didn’t see myself in that job.

So, what did you do after high school?

My older brother had been a medic in the army, and then became an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) at a private ambulance company. I got my training and worked a couple years for a private ambulance company.

When did you change your mind about becoming a firefighter?

I was about 21. My father was a battalion chief in the fire department at the Downtown fire station on Wells. He told me about a recruitment test for people who want to be firefighters. We talked.

A switch flipped in my brain, and I never looked back. I became a firefighter.

How much training does it take to become a full-fledged firefighter?

A four-month fire academy. It’s like a boot camp. You come out of that academy in great physical shape. Firefighting is strenuous work. You have to be in top condition.

Throughout your career, you've held almost every job in the Milwaukee City Fire Department.

That’s right: firefighter, heavy equipment operator, firetruck driver for ladder trucks, lieutenant, captain, battalion chief, deputy chief and now fire chief.

As a firefighter, you are the worker bee.

You’re pushed into the toughest and most dangerous spot to get the job done. I worked for some very good lieu-

tenants and captains who saved lives by their ability to read wildly changing circumstances. You’re in a hot, dangerous fire situation, and your leader suddenly says, “We’re going back to the stairs because I think this fire is about to blow on us.” You can only know what to do through experience.

Are there a few experiences you've had fighting fires that stand out?

I was fairly new on the job. It was the first time I was ever at a fire where someone was trapped. It happened at a bungalow on the south side. We took a hose to the side door. My job was to feed the hose. A couple firefighters were bringing out an unconscious man from the fire. It was a narrow hallway, and the man was passed on to me, and I carried him out to the driveway. A paramedic did CPR and mouth breathing on the guy. I helped with that procedure. In that moment, it got very real to me, not like in the movies. We were there to save a life, to get the heart beating, the guy breathing. But I think he ended up dying. I’ve had many lifeor-death incidents since then, some people rescued, some not.

Those life-or-death situations must be high stress and take a toll on you.

Definitely. Any time kids die, it’s tough because those kids have nothing to do with the cause of the fires. In many cases, an adult or arsonist setting a fire can be used as a weapon, revenge, a violent act, and kids can be victims.

Let’s say you are responding to a fire, sirens blaring and the air horns going, and a dispatcher comes on the radio.

You can tell by their voice if they are taking a lot of phone calls for one single fire. As a firefighter, you know this will be a big fire. The dispatcher says, “I’m on the phone with a mom, and her kids are trapped in the house.” This can actually change the chemistry of the firefighters on the truck. Adrenaline kicks in. You get hyper-focused and run through an inventory of responses before you even arrive at the fire.

Ultimately, you try to hold the fire at bay so you can rescue the kids. All too often, it’s too late.

Is there a really big fire that you fought in your career? One that sticks in your memory?

DECEMBER 2023 | 17

NEWS MKE SPEAKS: CONVERSATIONS WITH MILWAUKEEANS

The big five-alarm fires at the buildings on 32nd and Hampton. Numerous fires there. The suspicion was arson, that the property owner wanted the buildings to go away so the property could be used for other purposes.

Almost all those buildings were eventually destroyed. The buildings had been used for manufacturing and factory processes. Horrible fires because the buildings were constructed of heavy timber. Another huge fire happened when I was a captain. It was the lumber yard fire on Green Bay and Congress.

Huge fire. You could see the smoke for a mile. Lumber is kiln dried, and it burns really fast. We fought that fire for 13 hours.

Let’s say you're a firefighter in a burning house or building. How do you know when to get out?

We do a lot of training of our line officers, lieutenants and captains. We give them a lot of trust and decision-making power. Those guys will crawl right into the hazard with their firefighters. They decide if and when to get out. That takes a lot of experience to decide when to retreat. Once you are in the smoke, you can’t see anything, even when using a flashlight. You have to know when the pressure changes and the sound changes. It’s a physics experiment where you don’t have all the information. You have to quickly decide how to get out and not panic.

Those kinds of quick decisions must be stressful, not to mention frustrating.

Yes. One of the most frustrating parts of the firefighting profession is nothing happens as quickly as you think it should. No matter how fast you move, no matter how hard you’ve trained, it never happens fast enough. As a firefighter, you are doing one assigned task. But as an officer, it’s about tactics and strategy … “can we, should we…?”

It’s about taking care of your team.

When a call comes in to report a fire or an accident, what is the process for those firefighters on duty?

A citizen inside, or near to, a house or building has to notice a fire or hear a smoke alarm. That person has to

18 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

place the call. Our dispatcher takes the call and punches in the address of the fire, which triggers an alert to the rigs that are nearest to the building or structure fire. We send the four closest fire engines, two closest ladder trucks, the closest heavy rescue company, a paramedic unit and three chief officers. If you are driving in traffic or walking a street and you see smoke coming out of a house or building, call the fire department.

What do you like about the job of fire chief? You've been doing this job for two and a half years.

I like being definitive. I like to base decisions on all kinds of information. I like taking care of the men and women in my command. I like breathing good health, spirit and morale back into this fire department. I work with remarkably fit people who exhibit care at the darkest of times. I also like getting the community to connect with the fire department. I keep saying, “We have to get the doors up,” meaning when residents drive or walk by a fire station, they know they can trust and rely on firefighters. Symbols like a red truck, a uniform, or a collar brass are hard-earned by firefighters. For residents, it’s a matter of getting out and knowing your neighbors and also the public agency people that serve you.

Example: This has happened at every fire station. Doors are open, no dispatch calls at present for fires. A little kid pulls up, crying, and his bike has a flat tire. The firefighters pitch in and fix the kid’s bike, maybe give him a candy bar and a soda.

How many fire stations are there in the city?

Twenty-nine, but we can interact with other fire departments in the county.

Are there certain areas of the city where the most fires and medical emergencies occur?

We have a firefighting heat map that shows where all incidents have occurred. It’s similar to the heat index of the police department. The heat map shows a big cluster of fires on the North Side, and a smaller cluster on the near South Side. Milwaukee is a segregated city, and it’s easy to get jaded in the fire service.

And it’s easy to get jaded in the media who cover those certain areas.

I get that. Let’s say it’s four in the morning, and it’s raining, and you’re a firefighter or a paramedic. You answer a 911 call, and you find a drunk passed out in a city alley. I tell my guys that you are seconds and inches away from that drunk being you. Depends where you are born, family dynamics, or where you grew up. I say, “Do what you can to fix the guy. Do something decent.” In the past few years, there have been more fires, shootings, stabbings, drug problems, car accidents and crimes than ever before. And we are often the last resort for people to call.

You are also in charge of the city ambulance or Rescue Squad service, right?

Yes, and they are all part of the fire department. We have advanced life support, the paramedics. We handle the more critical illnesses or injuries.

The Milwaukee Fire Department covers two-thirds of public safety—fire and emergency medical services. Law enforcement covers the other third.

Deaths from drug overdose have been too frequent in the Milwaukee area and nationwide.

Why is the MFD involved in the drug addiction problem?

The fire department is involved because we have always responded to people who overdose on drugs. But drug overdosing has been increasing in severity. As for me personally, I had been the past chair of the board of directors for the American Lung Association in Wisconsin. I’ve always supported that organization. There are a number of local nonprofits active in the problem of drug addiction and overdosing. I’ve been blessed to work with these excellent folks. The overdose and addiction problem is severe right now, I can tell you that.

We do what we can to help.

Tom Jenz writes and photographs Central City Stories for shepherdexpress.com.

DECEMBER 2023 | 19

FOOD & DRINK FLASH IN THE PAN

The Power of Curry

BY ARI LEVAUX

Photo by Ari LeVaux.

H

e didn’t like curry, and to this day purports to hate coconut, but my son Remy would walk on molten lava for a bowl of red chicken curry. I don’t need to solve this paradox to benefit from the fact that curry offers great leverage to get kids and grownups alike to eat their vegetables.

A good curry allows you to work with whatever is fresh, and there are almost as many curry recipes around the world as there are vegetables at the farmers market. I like Thai curry because it is the easiest to make and most delicious to taste.

Thanks to the availability of spice paste and canned coconut, we can plug in our local veggies and proteins and make homemade curry on the level of what you might eat in Bangkok, an extraordinarily high bar. You could argue it’s more “authentic” to grate and squeeze out the coconut milk, or to grind your own spices, but in Thailand it’s totally normal to use canned coconut, unless it’s for a special occasion, or if you’re living on the beach. And they purchase their curry paste at the market from their preferred curry paste vendor.

Green curry is more pungent and bitter, and often the most challenging of the Thai curries. Yellow is sweeter and mellower but no less complex, and reminiscent of Indian curry thanks to the turmeric. Red curry has lots of red chile and coriander and shrimp paste. Remy has no interest in green or yellow. It seems that some ingredient or combination of ingredients specific to red curry must cancel the element of coconut that so offends him.

The curry paste you can find stateside at your local Asian supermarket is just as authentic, if more mass-produced.

While you’re at the Asian store, get a sack of high-end jasmine rice, some boxes of unrefrigerated silken tofu for use as a thickener, and a bag of shrimp shumai dumplings dump dumplings in my curry for extra fun.

It shows the power of a Thai coconut curry, the flavor of which is built on the interaction between two powerful and opposing forces. On one side, concentrations of spices that would be too intense to handle were they not neutralized by the other side, the equally off-the-charts opposing force of rich, creamy, fatty coconut.

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Although there are three colors of Thai curry, and countless veggies and proteins available to incorporate, you only need one recipe. Here it is, in the form of chicken red curry, with seasonal veggies like potatoes, carrots and onions from last year’s harvest, and some fresh herbs and greens of spring, supplemented with Mexican zucchini and bell pepper from my local supermarket.

A Red Curry As with a stir-fry, you should add the vegetables in order of how long they take to cook. Tomatoes, potatoes and winter squash can go in early, while broccoli, zucchini, dumplings go later.

Serves 4 • 2 chicken breasts or the equivalent amount of chicken, cut into inch-cubes • 1 box of firm silken tofu, cut into inch-cubes • 2 tablespoons cooking oil • 2 cups jasmine rice • 1 medium onion, minced • 1 can full fat coconut milk • 2 medium potatoes, chopped into ¾-inch chunks • 2-4 tablespoons Thai red curry paste • 2 tablespoons sugar • 1 large carrot, cut into ½-inch rounds • 1 medium-sized zucchini, cut into ½-inch rounds • (other vegetables, as available.)

• Optional: a package of shumai dumplings • 1 red bell pepper, sliced • 1-2 tablespoons fish sauce • Fresh basil, cilantro or other herbs Add the fry the chicken pieces, skin down, and tofu in the oil on medium heat. You don’t need to stir it. If they all have a single browned side it’s fine.

While that is happening, add the rice to another pot and fill it with water, stirring the rice with your hand to get the starch off, which will make the water cloudy. Change the water and repeat, as often as it takes until the water comes out clear. Then add 2 cups of water, so that the rice is covered by about ¾-inch. With a tight-fitting lid, cook on high until it boils, then turn down to medium for about 10 minutes, until the water is gone, and the rice is puffy.

When the chicken and tofu are starting to brown, add the onions. After about ten minutes, add a cup of water to loosen the fond, and give the whole pan a stir. Add the coconut milk and potatoes.

Bring to a boil. Simmer for five minutes. Add the curry paste, sugar and carrots. Simmer for 30 minutes, adding water as necessary to keep it thin and soupy.

Add the zucchini, dumplings, bell pepper and fish sauce.

Simmer for 10 more minutes. Taste. Adjust seasonings with fish sauce, soy sauce or salt, and serve, garnished with fresh herbs.

Ari LeVaux has written about food for The Atlantic Online, Outside Online and Alternet.

DECEMBER 2023 | 21

SPECIAL HOLIDAY DINING

Dining Out on December 25 TIME TO LEAVE THE COOKING TO THE PROFESSIONALS

BY SUSAN HARPT GRIMES

W

ith the holiday season about to be in full swing, you may be wondering how you will fit in all of the decorating, parties, shopping, and other activities that seem to keep popping up. Perhaps this is the year to cross one of those holiday chores off your list and leave the cooking of Christmas dinner to the professionals. Many fine establishments are open and ready to serve a festive brunch and/or dinner to you and your entire family—even the picky ones who you dread cooking for! This is just a sampling of the many local restaurants planning to be open on December 25 this year. And please remember most places require reservations, so be sure to plan ahead as seating can be limited.

ARIA - THE RESTAURANT AT SAINT KATE (414) 270-4422 139 E. Kilbourn Ave. saintkatearts.com EMPEROR OF CHINA (414) 271-8889 1010 E. Brady St. emperorofchinarestaurant.com INDIA GARDEN (414) 235-9220 2930 N. 117th St. indiagardenwauwatosa.net 22 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

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SPECIAL HOLIDAY DINING

MADER’S

MASON STREET GRILL

(414) 271-3377

(414) 298-3131

1041 N. Martin Luther King Drive madersrestaurant.com

425 E. Mason St. masonstreetgrill.com MITCHELL’S FISH MARKET - BROOKFIELD (262) 789-2426 275 N. Moorland Road mitchellsfishmarket.com MOVIDA AT MADRID HOTEL (414) 488-9146 600 S. Sixth St. hotelmadridmke.com THE PACKING HOUSE (414) 483-5054 900 E. Layton Ave. packinghousemke.com

SZE CHUAN RESTAURANT (414) 885-0856 11102 W. National Ave. orderonlinehub.com/ szechuanrestaurant TEXAS DE BRAZIL

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

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THE PFISTER

(414) 501-7100

(414) 935-5950

2550 N. Mayfair Road texasdebrazil.com/ locations/milwaukee

424 E. Wisconsin Ave. thepfisterhotel.com

DECEMBER 2023 | 25

SPECIAL HOLIDAY DRINK GUIDE

Three Holiday Cocktails to Make at Home

BY GAETANO MARANGELLI

O

n your behalf as well as mine, I asked three creative cocktail cognoscenti which drinks we should be tippling this holiday season.

They didn’t disappoint us.

The three cocktails they’ve given us speak to the moods and spirit of the holiday season. One cocktail for hours in the kitchen, another for days of

Chris Wolf

GENERAL MANAGER AND CERTIFIED SOMMELIER– CMS, BACCHUS–A BARTOLOTTA RESTAURANT “Above the Clouds is a wonderful libation for cooler weather and the holiday season, created by two of our outstanding bartenders, Victoria Krueger and Ethan Lillard. It is a spirit forward, sipping cocktail that is wellbalanced, allowing the drinker to savor each flavor note and be warmed from the inside out. The name is inspired by the storied aging process that Ron Zacapa Rum undergoes. Following distillation, the rum is transferred to the aptly named House Above the Clouds to complete the aging process, allowing the fresh mountain air to impart flavor, body, and aroma into the spirit. This is an unexpected process, which I love, and helps to make a unique rum cocktail.”

Above the Clouds

by Victoria Krueger and Ethan Lillard, Bartenders, Bacchus– A Bartolotta Restaurant

celebrating, and one more for whiling away cold and snowy winter nights.

And they’re all as easy to make as they are to enjoy.

Anthony Valenti

BAR MANAGER, BITTERCUBE

“While there are many theories as to who invented the Brandy Alexander and where, all we know is that it has become a drink synonymous with the rich history of supper clubs and Midwest tradition–especially around the holidays. This drink is warming, rich and creamy.

It can be enjoyed as an after dinner treat or sipped during a cozy winter evening by the fireplace. We like to tweak the traditional version by changing the original proportion of ingredients and also adding Heirloom Alchermes liqueur to further serve up those delicious warming spices associated with the holidays. This adds flavors of cinnamon and clove that are softened with rose water and vanilla bean–a perfect complement to the existing flavors of the Brandy Alexander. We’d also like to note that a vegan variation can be made with heavy coconut cream.

Spiced Alexander

Ingredients

by Kelsie Walling, Bartender, Mosler’s Vault and Anthony Valenti

•

1 oz. Ron Zacapa No. 23 Solera Rum

Ingredients

•

1 oz. Fot-Li Vermut Rojo

•

1 1/2 oz. Cognac

•

1 oz. Disaronno

•

•

2 dashes Bittercube Trinity Bitters

3/4 oz. dark Creme de Cacao

•

1/4 oz. Heirloom Alchermes

•

1 oz. heavy cream

•

Nutmeg •

Star anise

•

Sage leaf

Above the Clouds photo courtesy The Bartolotta Restaurants.

Method Mix all ingredients in a glass with ice and stir. Strain over a square ice cube. Garnish with a sage leaf.

Spiced Alexander photo courtesy of and by Anthony Valenti, Bar Manager, Bittercube.

Method Add all of the ingredients to a cocktail shaker, adding the heavy cream last. Fill the shaker with ice. Shake with a fluid, strong motion and strain into cocktail glass. Garnish with grated nutmeg and a star anise.

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DECEMBER 2023 | 27

SPECIAL HOLIDAY DRINK GUIDE

Valerie Peterson

CO-AUTHOR OF COOKIE CRAFT AND AUTHOR OF PETERSON’S HOLIDAY HELPER, FROM WHERE THIS DRINK RECIPE WAS ADAPTED

“Every year for Christmas, my Aunt Libby made a dozen types of cookies– like Italian wedding cookies, biscotti, pignoli cookies–in abbondanza quantities. She arranged them by variety in orderly rows on large platters, which she brought to every household she visited during the season–as well as to the priests in her church, her local police station, and her fire department.

“This cocktail honors the holiday baking that’s a tradition in so many households and adds a substantial kick. The flavors echo the aromas in Libby’s kitchen when she was making orange spice cookies; the honey smooths them out as it adds sweetness.”

Spice Cookie

by Valerie Peterson Ingredients • 1 1/2 oz. cinnamon liqueur, such as Goldschlager • 1 1/2 oz. spiced rum, such as Captain Morgan • 1 tbsp. honey •

Strip of orange peel

Method Pour all the ingredients into a shaker full of ice. Shake very well to thoroughly incorporate honey. Strain mixture into a chilled martini glass. Twist the orange peel over the drink to release the scent and float it in the glass.

Gaetano Marangelli is a sommelier and playwright. He was the managing director of a wine import and distribution company in New York and beverage director for restaurants and retailers in New York and Chicago before moving to Wauwatosa.

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Drink Locally This Holiday Season

BY SHEILA JULSON

W

isconsin’s beverage makers offer plenty of creative holiday-themed drinks in their product lines.

Below are just a few of the many fine offerings to put a local spin on your holiday celebration. They also make great gifts!

EGGNOG Lamers Dairy (lamersdairyinc.com) crafts dairy products from milk sourced from a handful of carefully chosen family farms located within 30 miles of their dairy in Appleton, Wis. Lamers eggnog is available at select Milwaukee area locations including Nehring’s Sendik’s on Downer; Woodman’s Food Markets in Oak Creek, Menomonee Falls and Waukesha; and Fox Bros.

Piggy Wiggly stores in the Lake Country area.

Brothers James and Robert Baerwolf of Sassy Cow Creamery (sassycowcreamery.com) in Columbus, Wis. own and operate two farms that provide all of the milk for the creamery. They maintain both an organic and a traditional herd.

Their eggnog, along with milk and ice cream, are distributed through retailers throughout Wisconsin and northern Illinois.

Organic Valley (organicvalley.coop), a farmer-owned cooperative based in LaFarge, Wis., crafts eggnog, along with milk, butter, cheese, eggs and sour cream, with milk from cows that are pasture-raised and free from hormones, antibiotics and pesticides. Their new Organic Valley Reduced Fat Eggnog is available at multiple retailers throughout Wisconsin.

Holiday bough photo by Guschenkova/Getty Images. Eggnog photo by vaaseenaa/Getty Images.

DECEMBER 2023 | 29

SPECIAL HOLIDAY DRINK GUIDE

WINE & SPIRITS Spirits of Norway (spiritsofnorwayvineyard.com) winery, in Racine County, specializes in wines on par with California style varietals, made with cold-hardy hybrid grapes such as Marquette and Brianna grown in their vineyard.

Their Christmas Red has notes of plum and cranberry, and Christmas White features notes of pear, apple and lemon.

Their wines are available at Discount Liquor, Gary’s Beer & Liquor in Oak Creek, and Total Wine locations at Bayshore, Brookfield and Greenfield.

Cedar Creek Winery’s (cedarcreekwinery.com) latest batch of Christmas Blush was released in October 2023. The semi-dry rosé style wine is made from Seyval Blanc, Vidal Blanc and Marquette grapes. Christmas Blush is available at the winery in Cedarburg or multiple retail locations throughout Milwaukee.

Door County’s Door Peninsula’s Winery (store.dcwine.com) makes Mulled Christmas, a semi-sweet cherry wine blended with cinnamon, nutmeg and warm ground spice.

Still craving the fall flavors of pumpkin spice as we head into winter? Great Lakes Distillery’s (greatlakesdistillery.com) Pumpkin Seasonal Spirit adds notes of caramel, pumpkin and clove, nutmeg and ginger to whiskey.

RumChata (rumchata.com) manufactured in Pewaukee, Wis., since 2009, blends rum, cream, cinnamon and vanilla into a smooth liqueur. Their holiday options include RumChata Pumpkin Spice and RumChata Peppermint Bark, with peppermint and chocolate.

BEER Many of Milwaukee’s craft brewers have fun things in the works for the holidays, including special releases introduced during Black Friday events. Lakefront Brewery (lakefrontbrewery.com), a pioneer of Black Friday special release beers, offered Black Friday Double Barrel-Aged Christmas Cookie Barleywine, Black Friday Imperial Stout, Black Friday, Triple Black IPA and Black Friday 5-Year-Old.

Other holiday standouts include Indeed Brewing’s (indeedbrewing.com) Spumoni Imperial Cream Ale, layered with pistachio, cherry and chocolate flavors. 1840 Brewing’s (1840brewing.com) Plumpy is a fruited sour with blackberry, black cherry, black currant and milk sugar. Raised Grain’s (raisedgrainbrewing.com) Santa’s Sack features the flavors of nutmeg, cinnamon, fresh ginger and star anise. Wizard Works’ (wizardworksbrewing.com) Santa’s Wrath is a bourbon barrel-aged strong ale.

MobCraft’s popular Beer Advent Calendar returns, while other brewers offer holiday party packs and specials. Call your favorite craft brewer to see what they’re brewing this holiday season.

NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS Wollersheim Winery’s (wollersheim.com) Sparkling Grape is an alcohol-free way to ring in the New Year. Top Note Tonic’s (store.topnotetonic.com/ products/top-note-mixed) Cocktail Party Pack has a collection of mixers for any cocktail or mocktail.

Milwaukee’s own Rishi Tea (rishi-tea.com) offers holiday blends including Cinnamon Plum and Cocoa Mint. Urbal Tea (urbalhealth.com) has Stocking Stuffer blends of their popular loose-leaf herbal infusions for medicinal and wellness properties. Soul Brew’s (mysoulbrew.com) Cranny-Apple kombucha puts a cool twist on any mocktail.

LOCAL COFFEE Blue & Gold Brewing (bandgbrewing.com), led by Marquette University students, partnered with Stone Creek Coffee (stonecreekcoffee.com) to launch Santa’s Revenge, a limited-edition medium roast. Colectivo Coffee (colectivocoffee.com) packages its special holiday seasonal blends into gift boxes. Door County Coffee & Tea Co.’s (doorcountycoffee.com) holiday blends include Door County Christmas, Candy Cane, Naughty or Nice and White Christmas, along with holiday gift packs and samplers.

Sheila Julson writes the Eat Drink column for shepherdexpress.com.

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Coffee photo by puhimec/Getty Images. Tea photo by Anna Kim/Getty Images. Wine photo by fortyforks/Getty Images. Beer photo by Ezhukov/Getty Images.

DECEMBER 2023 | 31

SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

2023

Holiday Gift Guide AMERICAN BEAUTY

ART BAR

BLUE DREAM VAPE & SMOKE

2710 N. Murray Ave., Milwaukee 414-808-0005

722 E. Burleigh St., Milwaukee 414-372-7880

2865 N. Murray Ave., Milwaukee 262-267-7949

We are one-of-a-kind shop with lots of heart—the perfect place to find a unique gift for the holidays! Provider of semi-precious gemstones, hand-blown glass, metaphysical objects, healing tools, and art from local artists. Come check us out on Milwaukee’s beautiful East Side. Receive 20% off on Saturdays. Students with college ID receive 10% off any time. Open 6 days a week!

facebook.com/artbarmke/ artbarwonderland.com

Bluedreamvapemilwaukee.com

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Give the gift of original art this holiday.

“MINI” TINY ART @ TINY PRICES, is the largest local small art show of its kind.

Over 150 juried talented artists have created small art pieces (under 8” x 8”) and everything is priced under $100.

Select from over 700 pieces on display and 1,500 items in back-up stock, the show is replenished daily and has something for everyone. Art Bar is open daily at 3 p.m. Monday-Friday, and 9 a.m. on weekends. All credit cards accepted; the show runs until Dec. 31.

Blue Dream Vape & Smoke has everything you need to celebrate this holiday season. With the best prices in Milwaukee and a wide selection, you’ll save time and money.

We offer delivery!

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

DECEMBER 2023 | 33

SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

C3 DESIGNS

DISCOURSE COFFEE

2110 10th Ave., South Milwaukee 414-764-3892

1020 N. Broadway, Milwaukee discourse.coffee

C3-designs.com

@discoursemke

C3 Designs is the best jewelry store in the Milwaukee area to help with your holiday gift giving ideas. Store owner Chris Jensen is a nationally award-winning jewelry designer who has won over 25 awards for his custom creations. His design team at C3 Designs can help you choose the perfect one-of-a-kind gift for this holiday season.

Discourse is an avant garde re-reimaging of the American coffee house, celebrating barista skill and creativity. Join us in the heart of Downtown Milwaukee, to experience coffee, tea, and house-made pastry beyond your wildest imagination.

DISCOUNT LIQUOR 5031 W. Oklahoma Ave., Milwaukee 414-545-2175 919 N. Barstow Ave., Waukesha 262-547-7525 discountliquorinc.com Discount liquor is your one-stop shop for all your gift-giving needs with our expansive selection of 8,000 wines, 4,000 liquors and 2,000 beers. Check out our huge variety of holiday liquor, beer and wine gift sets perfect for friends, co-workers and loved ones.

Find out why we have been voted the best for 22 years running.

FIFTH-MAIN 1550 W. Mequon Road, Mequon 262-242-2110 118 N. Franklin St., Port Washington 262-536-4300 174 S. Main St., Thiensville 262-302-4226 fifth-main.com FIFTH-MAIN brings together both new and pre-owned designer, vintage, couture and contemporary fashion essentials. Our eco-conscious mission extends the life of luxury products, bringing “green” fashion to our community. All pre-owned items, sold at FIFTH-MAIN, are acquired from our customers through our Retail Buying Counter. Safer and easier than consignment. FIFTH-MAIN is unlike any other shop. Visit us today to Trade-In & Trade-Up to see for yourself! Your local source for luxury.

GOODY GOURMETS 6369 N. Green Bay Ave., Glendale 414-236-5165 goodygourmets.com Our gourmet goodies are made fresh from the best ingredients by our friendly staff. With a tremendous variety of gourmet flavors, Goody Gourmets truly has something for everyone. Experience a medley of mouthwatering treats and a touch of classy, old-fashioned service every time you visit. Goody Gourmets popcorn is perfect for gifts, snacks, and celebrations. And did we mention that we also have hand dipped chocolates?

HARLEY-DAVIDSON MUSEUM 400 W. Canal St., Milwaukee 877-436-8738 harley-davidson.com /us/en/museum.html Breakfast with Santa! Premium shopping and unique gifts at the Harley-Davidson® Shop and H-D Factory Outlet! Fun family photo ops, interactive exhibits and so much more! Come celebrate the holidays on the H-D Museum campus. Visit HDMuseum.com for more information (or to book your breakfast with the jolly old elf).

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Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

DECEMBER 2023 | 35

SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

HEALIUM HOT YOGA-WEST ALLIS 6679 W. National Ave., West Allis, 414-616-1106 healiumhotyoga.com/hhy-west-allis HEALIUM HOT YOGA-BAY VIEW 2534 S. Kinnickinnic Ave., Milwaukee 414-232-2165 healiumhotyoga.com/hhy-bay-view HEALIUM RESTORE 435 E. Lincoln Ave., Milwaukee 414-232-2165 healiumhotyoga.com/ restore-bay-view HEALIUM HIIT

KNUCKLEHEADS

MB SQUARED PHOTOGRAPHY

2865 Kinnickinnic Ave., Milwaukee 414-309-0472

2949 N. Oakland Ave., Milwaukee 414-962-3052

mbsquaredphotography.square.site

healiumhotyoga.com/hiit-bay-view

knuckleheads.shop

Give the gift of Healium Yoga and HIIT this season! Our “5 Class Pack” is on-sale Nov. 24-Dec. 31. Our class packs work at our new Healium Hot Yoga-West Allis studio, in addition to all three of our Bay View locations—Healium Restore, Healium HIIT, and Helium Hot Yoga. 2023 Best of MKE Finalist!

Stop by Knuckleheads and check out their large variety of Wellness products! Stop by and take 25%75% off select items Dec 1-Jan 1.

Visit on a Saturday or Sunday and enjoy discounted Wellness products!

Discover why Knuckleheads is voted “Best of Milwaukee” Best Head Shop, Vape Shop AND CBD Shop 2019-2022!

36 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

Instagram: @mbsquaredphotography Easy-to-frame 8”x8”, 12.5”x12.5” photography art prints, as well as drink coasters/magnets, and stickers, are available for purchase online, or at local holiday markets and events.

Milwaukee, Greater Wisconsin and Midwest region is highlighted. When shopping online you may select free pickup in Bay View (Milwaukee), or delivery within Milwaukee County with shipping for a small fee.

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

DECEMBER 2023 | 37

SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

MILWAUKEE MAKERS MARKET

MILWAUKEE PAW PASS

THE JEWELERS GUILD

MilwaukeeMakersMarket.com

Fetchpawpass.com

2408 E. St. Francis Ave., St. Francis 414-488-2727

December 17: “Milwaukee Makers Market Holiday Pop-Up” at Discovery World Milwaukee Makers Market encourages shopping Small Local Businesses this Holiday Season! On Saturday Dec. 17 at Discovery World from 10 a.m.–4 p.m. The Market will feature over 50 Local Businesses including art, jewelry, soaps, clothing, candles, unique gifts, Milwaukee themed accessories and more! Admission to the Market is free!

More information online.

A perfect gift for dog-lovers! The Paw Pass is a discount book featuring deals from local dog-friendly bars, breweries, and restaurants. Explore experiences around Milwaukee with your furry friend! Visit fetchpawpass.com for more information.

RE:CRAFT AND RELIC HANDMADE HOLIDAY MINI MARKET AT THE GAGE 1139 S. 70th St, West Allis www.recraftandrelic.com This special re:Craft and Relic event features 40+ artists and makers of handmade goods, just in time to cross some names off your holiday shopping list! Enjoy good eats and sweet treats from Tots on the Street and Sweetly Baked and grab an Old Fashioned or a Moscow Mule at the Gage bar.

December 10, 11 a.m.-4 p.m. $3 at the door / kids 12 and under free.

Tickets available online.

38 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

Jewelersguild.biz Milwaukee’s most unique jewelry store has brilliant holiday gifts available for you in their gallery showroom: rubies, opals, sapphires and diamonds.

Located just off KK on St. Francis Ave. They offer custom designs, repairs, and appraisals as well as their special Make Your Own Wedding Ring project for you! Local handmade jewelry by our masterful designers, Goldsmiths and Jewelers. Check out the Online Store.

ULTRATWIST VINTAGE 7730 W. National Ave., Milwaukee www.ultratwistvintage.com Ultratwist Vintage is the place to find true vintage clothing, as well as new retro-inspired, and recycled clothing in sizes XS-4X. From classic silhouettes to bold prints and bright colors, we’ve got style with a twist so you can wear your personality!

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

DECEMBER 2023 | 39

SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE

Music

MILWAUKEE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA

THE ROCK AND ROLL PLAYHOUSE @ TURNER HALL BALLROOM, 11 A.M. This family-friendly event features music of the Grateful Dead and more for kids with a “Noon Year’s Eve ball.”

The Rock and Roll Playhouse, a family concert series hosted at historic music venues across the country, allows kids to play and sing while listening to songs from the classic rock canon.

BACK TO THE FUTURE WITH MILWAUKEE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA @ BRADLEY SYMPHONY CENTER, 2:30 P.M. Fans old and new will experience the thrill of Back to the Future like never before on a big hi-def screen with a full symphony orchestra performing Alan Silvestri’s dazzling musical score live in sync with the movie. Recharge your flux capacitor … and get ready to celebrate this unforgettable movie classic as you’ve never seen and heard it before.

Audiences will also hear 20 minutes of new music added by award-winning composer Silvestri to the film’s score especially for these unique live orchestra presentations.

40 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

Photo By Jonathan Kirn. Courtesy Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

DECEMBER 2023 | 41

SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE

FROM BROOKLYN TO BANDSTAND: THE MUSIC OF NEIL DIAMOND AND BARRY MANILOW @ SUNSET PLAYHOUSE, 7:30 P.M. Johnny Rodgers and his special guests as they pay tribute to Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow. Then head out the front lobby doors with a complimentary split of champagne in time to ring in the New Year in your pajamas.

NATE CRAIG @ THE LAUGHING TAP, 7:30 P.M. Greet 2024 with a night of laughs and champagne at Milwaukee’s home for comedy, The Laughing Tap. Nate Craig’s resume includes gigs at the Hollywood Comedy Store, the NY Comedy Cellar and writing for MTV’s “Ridiculousness.”

FLUX PAVILION W/SO DOWN, ODDKIDOUT, NATE DERUS, ATHENIS @ THE RAVE/EAGLES CLUB, 8 P.M. Known as Joshua Steele to friends and family, Flux is a singer-songwriter, record producer and label owner who plays the drums, guitar, saxophone and piano. His achievements range from releasing his first vinyl at 19 years old to selling out the legendary Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Colorado twice, notching up a UK top 10 hit with Sway and having Kanye West & Jay Z sample his dance floor anthem “I Can’t Stop.”

Not bad for a guy who started out replaying jingles he’d heard on TV on his Casio keyboard.

ST. KATE’S – THE ARTS HOTEL Musical entertainment, party favors, and a champagne toast at midnight.

Entertainment starts at 3 p.m.

FOUR GUYZ IN DINNER JACKETS @ WAUKESHA CIVIC THEATRE The four guys—Reginald T. Kurschner, Joe Fransee, Tommy Lueck and Aaron Schmidt—are familiar faces to local theatergoers from their roles at Skylight, Northern Sky and other playhouses. Donning their dinner jackets, they sing doowop and the songs of musicals from long ago.

NEW YEAR’S EVE MASQUERADE BALL @ IRON HORSE HOTEL, 9 P.M. Put on your finest attire and an alluring mask for a night filled with live music, dancing and entertainment. As the clock strikes midnight, raise your glass to toast to new beginnings and share in the excitement of the countdown.

HORSESHOES & HAND GRENADES W/ ARMCHAIR BOOGIE AND DEAD HORSES @ THE PABST THEATER, 9 P.M. Horseshoes & Hand Grenades traditional bash rings in the New Year with plenty of guests. Expect an evening of folk, bluegrass, roots music with a few jams tossed in for good measure. Last year’s celebration felt like Milwaukee’s version of The Last Waltz.

Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

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BEYOND KING TUT

Non-Music

BEYOND KING TUT @ BAIRD CENTER, 11 A.M.-6 P.M.

Photo credit: Timothy Norris

Commemorating the discovery of King Tut’s tomb 100 years ago, the experience brings the National Geographic archives to life through a beautifully constructed and thoroughly informative exhibition. The power of technology, combined with cinematic storytelling and soaring imagery, whisks visitors on an immersive journey exploring the mysterious golden boy-king’s life that ventures beyond the mask.

DECEMBER 2023 | 43

SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE

HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS @ FISERV FORUM, 1 P.M.

WILD LIGHTS

Since 1926 the Harlem Globetrotters have played over 26,000 basketball games. They undoubtedly have the longest winning streak in the history of sports.

A Milwaukee New Year’s tradition, Globetrotters take the court with moments of extreme basketball innovation and unparalleled fan fun as they dribble, spin and dunk their way past their relentless rivals, the Washington Generals.

WILD LIGHTS ZOO YEAR’S EVE @ MILWAUKEE COUNTY ZOO, 5:30 P.M. Start a new tradition for New Year’s Eve with the Zoo’s Wild Lights special event. Whether it’s date night with your special someone or a group outing with the family, Wild Lights offers a unique and glittery experience for. It’s the most wonderful time of the year to stroll along everyone a one-mile path glowing with animal-themed light displays and hundreds of thousands of shimmering lights. Wild Lights Zoo Year’s Eve is sure to become part of your festivities to ring in the New Year for years to come.

Photo courtesy of the Milwaukee County Zoo.

DJ Action DJ SHAWNA Betty Brinn Children's Museum, noon party Discovery World for NYE MKE DJ MEGADON ‘90s NYE Party, Boone and Crockett, 9 p.m.

DJ DON B AND DJ JO-Z Gold Reggaeton NYE Party, The Rave 9 p.m.

STELLAR SPARK EVENTS Flux Pavilion at Stellar Spark, The Rave, 8 p.m.

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Illustrations by Tim Czerniakowski.

DECEMBER 2023 | 45

SPECIAL PETS | SPONSORED BY TAILS N' TRAILS PETS LLC

Photo by sanjagrujic/Getty Images.

Be Cautious in Buying Holiday Gifts for Pets

BY CALEY WEIS, BARK N’ SCRATCH OUTPOST ASSOCIATE

I

t’s the season of giving, and our pets will reap the benefits! From chews to toys, dogs are seemingly easy to shop for, but are we truly thinking about what we are giving them?

That cute candy cane rawhide may not be the perfect stocking stuffer after all.

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Rawhide is leftovers from the leather industry. Chemicals are used to burn off excess hair and fat, and more chemicals are introduced to puff the hide. The outer layer is removed to make leather products, and what’s left is treated with hydrogen peroxide and bleach. Paint, dye and glue are used to create various shapes and designs.

Then, it goes through one last chemical preservation process before it makes its way into stores.

In addition to being highly processed and loaded with chemicals, rawhides are also very tough for dogs to digest and can cause intestinal blockages.

Alternatively, Earth Animal No-Hide Rolls are made from clean, digestible ingredients. Collagen Chews are another great option. Collagen is the layer of skin directly under the rawhide and is much easier to digest. Collagen products are specifically made for the pet industry, so you don’t have to worry about any toxic chemicals or harsh processing.

Rope toys are an easy gift for dogs that love tug but be cautious. Ropes easily fray, which may lead to a string being ingested. This becomes hazardous if part of the string makes its way into the intestines while the other part is still caught in the stomach. As the dog’s digestive system tries to move the object through its body, the strand will tighten, causing the intestines to cinch like a drawstring on sweatpants.

On the topic of safety, and in light of current recalls, remember to always wash your hands after handling pet food and to keep children away from your pet’s dish at all times.

Check out next month’s article for safe feeding tips!

Content sponsored by Bark n’ Scratch Outpost. Locally owned since 2006, Carrie, Michael and staff are dedicated to educating pet owners about healthy options for their pets. Bark n’ Scratch is located at 5835 W. Bluemound Road, Milwaukee, WI 53213. www.milwaukeepetfood.com

At Bark N’ Scratch Outpost, we have Chelsy’s Tug Toys made from upcycled fleece, so you don’t have to fret over pesky strands.

Regardless of the safety measures taken when choosing a chew or toy, it is imperative to supervise your dog when they have something in their mouth.

Photo by Michael Burrell/Getty Images.

DECEMBER 2023 | 47

CULTURE

Living in a Dynamic World gallery sketches by Thinc Design.

Exterior Future Museum Rendering by Ennead and Kahler Slater.

Exterior Future Museum Rendering

by Ennead and Kahler Slater.

The Milwaukee Public Museum Is Ready to Move Ahead, But Is Milwaukee Ready?

BY SUSAN HARPT GRIMES

I

n the past several decades many long-time Milwaukee institutions have been updated and re-imagined or demolished and rebuilt. County Stadium, MECCA and the Bradley Center are just a few of the fondly remembered institutions which will forever be a part of Milwaukee history.

When the much beloved, county-owned Milwaukee Public Museum (MPM) announced that it would prove too costly to repair, maintain, and update its current building, most Milwaukeeans were a little sad but generally accepted the idea of a new museum being built from the ground up. The public had also been hearing for years about the budget shortfalls and struggles to fund the museum 48 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

properly, so the announcement wasn’t that much of a surprise. According to MPM’s Chief Planning Officer Katie Sanders, “the museum had to look at the long-term sustainability of the museum to ensure that the collections are protected in a facility that meets the standards of museum care, with exhibit experiences that are up to date, relevant and present new information as science evolves.”

Earlier this year, images of the new museum and galleries were released over the course of a few months, allowing the public the opportunity to examine the plans. Exciting new pictures of a stunning, modern five-story building with a green rooftop terrace that includes an enclosed butterfly garden

DECEMBER 2023 | 49

CULTURE

Milwaukee Revealed gallery sketch by Thinc Design.

piqued public interest and curiosity.

Five permanent galleries and related exhibits with distinctive themes are expected to incorporate several of the dioramas and collections visitors of the current museum are familiar with, in new and modern ways.

“We have spent a lot of time listening to people [in the community] and know we can’t just pick up the current Museum and plop it into a new building,” said Sanders. “Our exhibit designers and the staff here at MPM have been working furiously to understand what it is about the experience that needs to be preserved.” The key seems to be about having immersive exhibits and creating opportunities to highlight collections that haven’t been able to be displayed for years, both of which are planned to be important aspects of the new galleries.

DINOSAUR DIORAMA The new Time Travel gallery will explore the origins of life, and adaptations of life on our ever-evolving planet, with an emphasis on the Paleozoic, Mesozoic and Cenozoic eras. This is also where a new dinosaur diorama is planned to be located.

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The Wisconsin Journey gallery is to be focused on Wisconsin's exceptional geologic history and the varied cultures found across the state. Said Sanders, “The Wisconsin journey is a different gallery for us because while we currently have aspects of Wisconsin, this future gallery will journey through the different geographical areas of Wisconsin.

The Milwaukee Revealed gallery, what Sanders calls, “the spiritual successor to the Streets of Old Milwaukee,” will be centered around an immersive streetscape that will demonstrate the history of the people, neighborhoods and ecologies that created the foundation of our city.

The Living in a Dynamic World gallery will lead visitors through various global ecosystems and will be “an awesome experience to see how humans and other species have adapted to different environments,” said Sanders. While the Mixing Zone will provide opportunities for behind-the-scenes views of the museum’s collections storage areas.

The last of the expected galleries will showcase the biodiversity found in rainforests and the importance of the life that can be found there and will include tie-ins with the rooftop butterfly exhibit.

REALITY AND VIRTUAL REALITY Sanders reassures, “It will not be all screens.” While there may be some aspects of the new space that will incorporate some screens and have virtual reality capabilities, the current plan is to have many of the most popular exhibits brought over to the new space. “We are a natural history museum,” noted Sanders, “We care for 4 million objects and specimens, and we believe those are the heart of the museum experience.”

There is a lot of optimism being projected by the MPM about this project. Pre-construction is underway and nearly all of the land has been cleared of the previous buildings.

Breaking ground for new construction is expected by the end of this year with a targeted completion date of late 2026, early 2027.

DECEMBER 2023 | 51

CULTURE

Time Travel gallery sketch by Thinc Design.

This new museum will be another shiny, modern building that will elevate the city’s architecture and overall appeal.

The construction will be done by local firms, and there is no doubt that a new museum will be a draw for tourists and school groups, adding to Milwaukee’s bottom line. Leaders at the MPM believe they’ve done their due diligence.

They’ve had the listening sessions and made time for public comments. Yet out in the community, not everyone is on board with the narrative put out by the MPM.

Rainforest gallery sketch by Thinc Design.

Wisconsin Journey Northwoods Day sketch by Thinc Design.

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Wisconsin Journey Northwoods Night sketch by Thinc Design.

Milwaukeeans take a lot of pride in this particular institution. They came as children with their classmates and have fond memories of eating PB&J sandwiches at the long tables in the lunchroom. They came with parents or grandparents who would say “I remember when” as they strolled through the Streets of Old Milwaukee and the European Village. They remember being awed, and perhaps a little afraid, in front of the T-Rex’s dinner while the thunder rumbled in the distance. The famous “Milwaukee-Style” of taxidermy established by Carl Akeley, brought so many of the exhibits an element of

realism which made the MPM the treasured institution it is today. To many, it is too special of a place to just accept that it needs to be vacated and moved into a new building.

What started as a Facebook group for people to express their concerns about the new museum, and to reminisce about the current museum, The Streets of Old Milwaukee Club page has grown to nearly 5,000 followers in a remarkably short time. As it turned out, this group was not only about “talking” and recently formed a non-profit called Preserve MKE to begin “doing” something to save the current MPM. Kat Chiu, communications director for the group said, “It’s all about saving the style of the museum. The MPM is among the fourth or fifth largest natural history museums in the United States, and the building itself is an Eschweiler building, which alone would make it special.”

Preserve MKE is working to raise awareness and encourage the public to dig deeper on what the future plans are for the current museum site, what will happen to the exhibits that can’t

be moved, and to suggest maybe there is room for two museums in Milwaukee.

Preserve MKE isn’t interested in preventing a new museum, but rather they are committed to finding a way to preserve what is already here. “The new museum is going to be more broadly focused on Wisconsin, which is fine,” said Chiu, “but the current Museum is an important part of Milwaukee and should be for a long time to come.”

Whatever the future of the Milwaukee Public Museum holds, there is no doubt the community will have more to add to the story of this well-loved institution.

Whether it’s about embracing the new plans, finding a way to hold on to what we’ve had, or something in-between.

To learn more about the new museum plans visit mpm.edu.

To learn more about Preserve MKE visit preservemke.org.

Milwaukee writer Susan Harpt Grimes is a regular contributor to shepherdexpress.com.

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CULTURE

This Month in Milwaukee

15 THINGS TO DO IN DECEMBER

BY GREG HARUTUNIAN, ELIZABETH LINTONEN, DAVID LUHRSSEN, SHANE MCADAMS AND BLAINE SCHULTZ Sparkle illustration by rvika/Getty Images.

THROUGH DECEMBER 17

THROUGH DECEMBER 17

THROUGH DECEMBER 24

“Mining Gems: Stories from the Collection” Grohmann Museum Mining Gems “will include some ‘new’ paintings from the collections vault, but also highlight some works that have traditionally been on display—with updated interpretations,” says the Grohman’s director James Kieselburg. “The exhibition is a cross-section of a variety of working themes and scenes. I chose to feature many of the stories related to the artwork that have been gathered over time, often in correspondence or by meeting relatives of the artists in the collection or those working in industry.”

The Mousetrap Next Act Theatre What a run! Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap opened in London’s West End in 1952 and ran without break until March 2020 when Covid pulled the curtain down. The murder mystery reopened in London a year later but why fly to England when one of Milwaukee’s top theater companies is producing it for the holiday season? Mary MacDonald Kerr, a prolific actor on Milwaukee stages, directs the production.

A Christmas Carol q Pabst Theater “A Christmas Carol is one of the most beloved stories in the English language,” says the Milwaukee Rep’s Artistic Director Mark Clements, who directs this year’s production of the holiday perennial. “It’s no wonder its message of love, hope and redemption combined with the artistry and magic of live theater continue to bring audiences together during the holidays year after year.”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Milwaukee Repertory Theater presents A Christmas Carol in the Pabst Theater November 28 – December 24, 2023. Pictured: Pictured: The ensemble of A Christmas Carol. Photo by Michael Brosilow.

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THROUGH DECEMBER 30

THROUGH JANUARY 28

School of Rock u Skylight Music Theatre “It’s about how much fun confidence building can be—and how unwitting, unlikely heroes exist in our midst,” says Artistic Director Michael Unger, describing the meaning of School of Rock. The Andrew Lloyd Webber musical began as director Richard Linklater’s hilarious 2003 movie, starring Jack Black as Dewey Finn, a washed-up rock guitarist. At loose ends, he cons his way into a gig as a substitute teacher in a private school. Although he begins as a poor role model, he starts to recognize the untapped potential of his fourth graders as he drills them for victory in a battle of the bands.

“Art, Life, Legacy: Northern European Paintings in the Collection of Isabel and Alfred Bader” Milwaukee Art Museum The proto-modern, or maybe proto-proto-modern art of the Dutch is on display in all its awkward and hopeful adolescence in “Art, Life, Legacy.” The exhibition is a collaboration with Milwaukee philanthropist Alfred Bader’s alma mater Queen’s University and shows us the story of 17th century Northern European art and culture alongside a biography-through-collecting of Alfred Bader, all of which unfurl on top of yet another tale in the form of stories from the Hebrew Bible.

Photo courtesy Skylight Music Theatre.

THROUGH JANUARY 1

DECEMBER 1

Milwaukee Holiday Lights Festival Holiday Lights is back with all the magic and surreal beauty of its light displays, the Jingle Bus taking visitors on a 40-minute ride to Cathedral Square, Pere Marquette Park, Zeidler Union Square, along with so much more. We’re thrilled to celebrate 25 years of magical moments with Milwaukee-area families and look forward to kindling new memories with our anniversary-themed decorations, displays and happenings,” said Beth Weirick, CEO of Milwaukee Downtown, BID #21.

t Darlene Wesenberg Rzezotarski

Boswell Book Company Milwaukee author and historian Darlene Rzezotarski presents her new novel, Tannenbaum Arms. The novel is a portrait of life in 1960s Milwaukee through the eyes of her characters, a struggling couple with a toddler and a rescue dog. The pair experience major events of the era such as the Chicago 7 Trial, My Lai protests and more. The novel is a combination of wit, humor, and love found in uncertain times. She will discuss her novel with the Shepherd Express’ Virginia Small at 6:30 p.m.

DECEMBER 2023 | 55

CULTURE Photo courtesy Early Music Now.

BALTIMORE CONSORT

DECEMBER 2

DECEMBER 6-17

DECEMBER 7

St. Sava Christmas Concert Chant Claire Chamber Choir St. Sava Serbian Orthodox Cathedral is a unique structure in Milwaukee, its interior covered in Byzantine mosaics. The setting is conducive to spiritual reflection, ideal for the 70-strong Chant Claire’s performance with the Stevan Sijack Choir of St. Sava.

Wauwatosa European Holiday Market Village of Wauwatosa Outdoor markets during the holiday season are a feature in many European cities. Wauwatosa steps up with its European Holiday Market, held on the lot where the Tosa Farmers Market takes place each summer. The holiday market replicates a German Christkindlmarkt with an outdoor vendor village housed in chalets, German food and beverages— and music by Milwaukee’s Squeezettes, Love Monkeys, Coopper Box and Alpine Blast. Open Monday-Thursday: 3-9 p.m., Friday-Saturday: 10 a.m.-10 p.m. and Sunday: 10 a.m.-6 p.m.

The New Standards Holiday Show q Turner Hall Lifetimes ago Chan Poling (The Suburbs), John Munson (Trip Shakespeare, Semisonic) and Steve Roehm (Electopolis, Rhombus and Billy Goat) were at the vanguard of Minneapolis’ music scene. In 2005 The New Standards came together as a side project allowing the trio to reinterpret and explore jazz, punk, torch songs and seasonal favorites of comfort and joy.

DECEMBER 2-3 Baltimore Consort, Wassail, Wassail!

Music of the Yuletide Season p St. Joseph Chapel Presented by Early Music Now, the Baltimore Consort focuses on instrumental music from Shakespeare’s time. For their holiday concert, the Consort will come armed with lute, cittern (an ancestor of the lute), viols, crumhorns (an early double reed instrument), recorders, rebec (an early violin) and percussion as they perform carols and dance numbers from the British Isles and beyond.

Illustration by Dmitry Fisher/Getty Images.

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THE NUTCRACKER Sketch by Todd Edward Ivins. Courtesy Milwaukee Ballet.

DECEMBER 8-26

DECEMBER 15

The Nutcracker p Milwaukee Ballet Many Milwaukeeans mark their calendar each year for a visit to The Nutcracker.

Tchaikovsky’s incomparable score never loses its beauty, but costumes wear out and sets get old. This season, Milwaukee Ballet’s Artistic Director Michael Pink unveils his new interpretation of The Nutcracker with updated choreography and lavish new costumes and sets.

Bitchin Bajas The Back Room @ Colectivo Chicago trio Bitchin Bajas utilize patience, developing loops and repetition into landscapes of sound that morph beyond description. Fans of Brian Eno and German psychedelic improvisation music will find sonic touchstones here, as will listeners who picked up on the group’s 2021 album Switched On Ra.

DECEMBER 9 Rucksack Revolution Linneman’s Riverwest Inn As Rucksack Revolution, Sarah Vos of Dead Horses and Adam Greuel of Horseshoes & Hand Grenades, share a chemistry. They are a pair of songwriters relying on acoustic guitars, working without a net on stage. Songs flow, spoken asides move down alleys that ultimately resolve in another connection. Their concerts feel more like a relaxed evening around a campfire than a club.

DECEMBER 18 The Sleighriders u Shank Hall The Sleighriders, featuring such local artists as Eddie Butts, Warren Wiegratz, Chris Boyden of Hypnotized, Xeno and Steve Grimm of Bad Boy, Lynda Lee Schiltz of Fire and Ice, Cynthis Starich of Simply Neon, Kris and Dani Crow and Marcell Guyton, join forces forthe decades-old Milwaukee tradition.

The evening includes a charity auction that includes autographed guitars.

All proceeds benefit Children's Variety of Wisconsin.

Guitar illustration by Kolonko/Getty Images.

DECEMBER 2023 | 57

LIFESTYLE ASK ALLY

Dear Ally,

It’s almost the new year—the time where we need to change. Every year, it gets harder. My problems remain the same. I need to lose weight, eat healthier and exercise on a regular basis. Yes, I’m in a rut. I’m tired of waging the same battle, but I don’t have the energy to change or do anything different. I feel lost and out of touch with myself. What can I do in the New Year that will motivate me to change and like myself again?

Lost

Dear Lost,

At this time, many people feel overwhelmed. The good news is that you’re ready for change. Being tired of our problems pushes us into doing something different. Once we begin making positive habits in our lives, we will feel better. Where do we begin?

It starts with how we think about ourselves and changing our mind set. How do we do that? It’s treating ourselves as our own best friend.

When we change our thinking about how we see ourselves; it’s more than a new perspective. It’s a commitment to believe that we matter and that we are enough.

Too often we keep old habits because we think that we don’t matter. No one will notice. Not true. We all matter. We need to act like we do.

We are enough, just the way we are.

“Perfect People” in the media can make us feel inadequate. When we compare ourselves to others, we always end up the loser. Don’t do it. You are enough and always deserve to be treated with respect. No need to keep proving yourself.

Shifting our mindset is accessing who we perceive ourselves to be and who we wish to become. That means consciously overriding the overt and subliminal messages we receive from 58 | SHEPHERD EXPRESS

our own culture, social media and sometimes even our most important relationships. It’s tough work. Let’s call it Daily Acts of Courage, instead of New Year’s Resolutions,

ourselves. Next, find one word or action to distract your brain and kick out the judge that has invaded your thoughts. (Example: you can say “STOP” to yourself.)

Maya Angelou, a noted writer, poet and Civil Rights activist, advises us, “Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage mean we face our fears. We are able to say, I have fallen, but I will get up”.

Once you get the hang of it, hopefully, you’ll feel some relief and even feel proud that you’re on the right track.

She’s right. It takes a lot of courage to change, even something small about ourselves. We all have different levels of tolerance for dipping into the pool of uncertainty. Many of us prefer to cling to what we know, rather than take a risk. That’s what keeps us stuck. That’s also where we need courage to follow through on our changes.

Before we get started, we need to ask ourselves an important question.

WHAT WOULD WE DO DIFFERENTLY IF WE DID NOT JUDGE OURSELVES? When we judge, it stops us in our tracks from doing anything different; it’s being unfair to ourselves. That’s not being a friend.

It’s an Inside Job. First: begin to notice all the times you judge yourself during the day. This includes your time alone and in conversations with friends, family and work colleagues.

You’ll be amazed how often we judge

Set Yourself Up for Success by trying new behaviors in small doses. Rather than setting a goal of exercising seven days a week, shoot for three. If you want to lose 20 pounds, start with five.

Find 3 small things a day that give you joy and do them. More joy gives us a boost to try different things. Now we’re ready to develop three-five Daily Acts of Courage goals, Once we learn how to take care of ourselves, we’ll be able to start making the world a better place. Maya Angelou offers important guidance, “Develop enough courage so that you can stand up for yourself and then stand up for someone else.”

Bring it on, 2024 ... we’ll be ready!

Here for you,

Ally

Send your questions to AskAlly@shepex.com.

DECEMBER 2023 | 59

LIFESTYLE OUT OF MY MIND

Dad’s Wood and a Son’s Grief

BY PHILIP CHARD

I

finally burned Dad’s wood. When my mother and father moved from northern Minnesota to southern Wisconsin years ago, they hauled it along and stacked it in their new home’s basement. Several months before Dad died, he told me for the umpteenth time to “burn it in your fireplace.” He always harbored a “waste not” attitude.

It took me years to get around to the task. As firewood goes, this stuff was akin to finely aged wine. A mix of hard and soft woods cut from freshly fallen timber, it long slumbered in the cool, dusty repository of my parent’s basement.

It clearly displayed the cuts from my father’s axe, saw and splitting wedge. It was his wood. Selected by his eyes, cut and carried by his hands, baptized with his sweat.

Were it not for his frugality, carved into his psyche by the Great Depression, it would never have made it to Wisconsin or my fireplace. I can imagine him in the midst of all the frantic packing before their move south, eyeing the pile of timber next to the cabin and musing to himself, “You can’t leave good wood.” But what he labored to bring, I hesitated to take. Each time I visited the basement, instead of carting the wood off, I found myself gazing at it, studying the cuts, smelling it and running my fingers across its contours.

It took me a while to realize my reluctance was more than simple procrastination. It was the desire to leave undisturbed the objects that, having been labored over and touched by this kind and industrious man, represented his essential nature. He was salt of the Earth, pragmatic and a believer in the value of honest work. He knew how to handle axes, saws, horses, plows, engines, milking cows, stacking hay and growing corn, to name a few tools and endeavors.

So, whatever he touched, including that wood, retained a trace of who he was.

COMPLETE THE CIRCLE Finally, when a big snowstorm hit just before Christmas, it seemed time to complete the circle. After all, he and Mom married the day before a blizzard in the ‘30s and spent their honeymoon snowed in. So, on that evening, the smoke from Dad’s wood rose skyward from my fireplace and finally mingled with winter’s tempestuous winds and swirling snows, much as his body had returned to the soil he so loved.

When we lose someone close, we develop a special bond with the meaningful objects they leave behind. Often, this connection takes on some of the characteristics of the relationship we had with that person in life. Within these left-behind things, we perceive qualities of the lost loved one. We may even touch such objects in hopes of again feeling contact with them. Keeping some portion of a lost person’s material legacy is a way to symbolically keep them.

However, when we give away or destroy these objects, we sometimes release portions of our grief.

As I solemnly placed each piece of Dad’s wood into the flames, I freed small remnants of the bereavement that still lives in me over his passing. However, like the burning wood, the essence of a departed loved one is never lost, merely transformed. Like all else around us, we mortals are energy, which cannot be destroyed. Changed, yes. Obliterated, no.

So, we never entirely relinquish the spiritual vestiges of those we love who pass before us, even when we let go of those things that embody their spirit.

Like Dad’s wood, things that are imbued with some essential part of us are more than objects. They are subjects. They are not “it.” They become “thou.”

And should be honored as such.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist and author with a focus on lasting behavior change, emotional healing and adaptation to health challenges. For more, visit philipchard.com.

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Illustration by Rustic/Getty Images.

DECEMBER 2023 | 61

HEAR ME OUT DEAR RUTHIE | SPONSORED BY UW CREDIT UNION

DON'T GIVE THE GIFT OF HERPES DEAR RUTHIE, Right as I started dating a new guy, I found out I had herpes.

Now the new guy wants to have sex, but I’m freaking out because I’ve got herpes!

I don’t feel I’m ready to tell him, but I know he’s going to want to get naked soon. Plus, the doctor said I’m still in my “first episode” stage, so the guy is going to see the sores. I’m freaking out because I think this guy might be the one.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Ebenezer Screwed DEAR SCREWED, First off—cute name. Secondly—ouch. Third—sorry for your infection. A lot of folks have herpes, and they live perfectly happy, healthy lives. For many, this is not a deal breaker, but this may not be a good time to pursue a new relationship. You need to focus on you.

If you insist on dating, you must tell your partner your health status before any hanky-panky. That said, you also have the option of simply not having sex right now.

Let him know you’re not ready to ride his sleigh, and that you’d like more time before taking that step. Use that time to do some research, get comfortable with yourself and figure out what’s best for you. Once you’re ready to discuss this with a partner, then you’re ready to take things to the next level in the bedroom. With a little education, some self-reflection and a healthy dose of honesty, you’ll keep the holidays merry and bright for everyone!

XXOO

Ruthie

Have a question for Ruthie? Want to share an event with her? Contact Ruthie at dearruthie@shepex.com.

Follow her on social media, too!

Facebook: Dear Ruthie | Instagram: RuthieKeester | Twitter: @DearRuthie

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DEAR RUTHIE BROUGHT TO YOU BY

Ruthie's Social Calendar DECEMBER 1 CHRISTMAS IN THE WARD AT CATALANO SQUARE (273 E MENOMONEE ST.): From the tree lighting to the fireworks, this is one event you’ll want to make an annual tradition. Celebrate the most wonderful time of the year during the 5:30-8:30 p.m. street bash.

DECEMBER 8 FESTIVE OLD FASHIONEDS AND CHOCOLATE AT THE CORNERS OF BROOKFIELD (20111 W. BLUEMOUND RD.): The pros at Indulgence Chocolatiers host a 4-part pairing featuring everyone’s favorite beverage.

Sign up for the 5:30 p.m. class by calling 414-223-0123.

DECEMBER 9 “RANDY RAINBOW FOR PRESIDENT” AT THE RIVERSIDE (116 W. WISCONSIN AVE.): Experience the country’s favorite political satirist, singer and comedian in person when Randy Rainbow brings his hilarious concert to town. Grab tickets to the 8 p.m. show at www.pabsttheatergroup. com and get ready to laugh because this LGBTQ+ darling is always a riot.

DECEMBER 12 OPENING NIGHT “THE GOLDEN GIRLS 2023 HOLIDAY SHOW” AT HAMBURGER MARY’S (730 S. FIFTH ST.): The drag parody that’s entertained the city for years is back with an all-new show! Purse String Productions teams up with Hamburger Mary’s for this memorable dinner theater experience. Let Dorothy (Dear Ruthie), Blanche (Dita Von), Rose (Brandon Herr) and Sophia (Marcee Doherty) liven up your Christmas. Tickets include the show, dinner and dessert. Nab yours via www.eventbrite.com.

DECEMBER 15 HOLIDAY PARTY AT KRUZ (354 E. NATIONAL AVE.): Don’t miss your chance to sit on sexy Santa’s lap during this popular holiday bash. Doors open at 3 p.m. with the party lasting all night, so you’ve got plenty of time to raise a toast with the crew at Kruz.

DECEMBER 19 NUNCRACKERS AT THE STACKER CABARET (108 E. WELLS ST.): The hilarious Little Sisters of Hoboken are putting a yuletide spin on their “Nunsense” fun. Featuring parodies of Christmas carols and a version of the Nutcracker you’ll never forget, this family-friendly show closes January 7, so save your seats now at www.milwaukeerep.com.

DECEMBER 22 HOLIDAY MIMOSA TOUR AT THE PABST MANSION (2000 W. WISCONSIN AVE.): Experience the opulence of the 1890s when you step into the home of famed beer baron, Captain Frederick Pabst. Relish the beauty of the season on this guided tour spotlighting jaw-dropping holiday décor…and mimosas! See www.pabstmansion.com for details before the tours end January 7.

DECEMBER 24 & 25 CHRISTMAS DINNER AT ARIA/SAINT KATE ARTS HOTEL (139 E. KILBOURN AVE.): Savor the flavors of the season with a mouthwatering menu served at one of the city’s favorite hot spots.

Reservations are required so see www.saintkatearts.com for seating options, menus and more.

DECEMBER 2023 | 63

HEAR ME OUT | SPONSORED BY UW CREDIT UNION

Stocking Stuffers

GIVE THE GIFT OF LGBTQ LITERATURE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

BY PAUL MASTERSON

I

t is that time of year again when visions of the sugar plum fairy dance in our heads. If nothing else, they provide an easy distraction from the stress of holiday shopping.

That escape eventually ends in panic purchases of natty plaid scarves for everyone … just like last year. This season, perhaps a book might provide a more suitable gift.

Consulting with our guru of the LGBTQ+ written word, Carl Szatmary, proprietor of Milwaukee’s Outwards Books for just shy of three decades, I can offer a broad spectrum of his recommended reads as seasonal stocking stuffers for all the literati on your list (or yourself!).

Of course, a good romantic comedy is perfect to keep the holiday mood lighthearted. Szatmary’s titles in that genre include Dahlia Adler’s Going Bicoastal. Set in the Big Apple and Los Angeles, this young adult rom-com finds Natalya Fox seeking her happily-ever-after. Faced with choosing between summer in the city with her dad and her girl crush or in LA with her estranged mom, she picks both. But LA presents a surprise and he’s … well, read Going Bicoastal and find out.

Another, with a nod to the comedic genre of not-so traditional weddings, is a classic gay rom-com, Big Gay Wedding: A Novel, by Byron Lane. Inevitably, fun and glitter-filled hilarity ensues when Barnett Duran and his groom descend upon the rural Louisiana rescue farm run by his widowed mom. The pair also invite a couple of hundred friends.

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In a more serious category, Language of Love and Loss

by Bart Yates (a prolific publisher and familiar author to gay readers) has been called “bittersweet, hilarious and moving.” The author puts Noah York in the predicament of coming home to New Hampshire to take care of his mother with ALS. Like any return to one’s roots, the reluctant Noah discovers truths he never knew mattered.

THE LATE AMERICANS Set in Iowa City, a more serious yet humorous novel is acclaimed author Brandon Taylor’s The Late Americans, the story of four friends, one queer, one kind of queer, a woman and a straight man who confront their relationships and their individual uncertain futures. They come to a life-altering moment of reckoning. Named the “most anticipated book of the year,” critics hailed this intimate and erudite work as the most wonderful book Taylor has ever written.

Szatmary also named several lesbian- and trans-themed works to round out the list. The Guardian Book of the Year, New York Times Editor’s Choice Selection and longlisted for the 2022 Booker Prize, Selby Wynn Schwartz’s debut novel, After Sappho, re-imagines feminist life at the turn of the 20th century. Called “a luminous meditation on creativity, education and identity,” the work follows three famous women, Rina Faccio, Romaine Brooks and Virginia Woolf, “who claim the right to their own lives.”

Then for the history and nostalgia, there is Moby Dyke: An Obsessive Quest to Track Down the Last Lesbian Bars in America, a nonfiction travelogue in which humorist Krista

Illustration by Nanang81/Getty Images.

Burton explores the how and why of the decline from 206 lesbian bars in 1987 to today’s couple of dozen (including Milwaukee’s Walker’s Pint). Highly recommended as a fun non-fiction with a trans story included, Moby Dyke is filled with personal memories, local color and queer culture.

End Papers by Jennifer Savran Kelly promises to appeal to genderqueer, trans and nonbinary readers. Its story finds a queer book conservator struggling with her gender presentation. She discovers a letter with lesbian content hidden in a book and sets off on a quest to track down its author, finding life in the process.

Pageboy by Academy award nominee and trans advocate Elliot Page is getting hype. The coming-of-age memoir, praised by the Washington Post as “eloquent and enthralling” and described as a “love letter to the power of being seen,” shares the author’s backstage screen story of Hollywood with a range of conversations on love, gender and mental health.

Another trans title, Bellies by Nicole Dian, is a cute, fun novel that begins as a boy meets boy with Ming and Tom’s first encounter at a drag show. Their affair covers the globe but when Ming announces his transition, things take a turn, forcing each to answer the question “Is it worth losing a part of yourself to become who you are?”

a genre of faster storytelling. Sammie, having transitioned a year prior, has been invited to be Best Man at a friend’s wedding and attends the bachelor weekend at a posh hotel with the “boys.” Aside from the obvious conflict that ensues, things turn even more awkward when it is discovered that a murderous cult is also staying at the hotel and is dismembering guests.

On a more serious note, Asylum: A Memoir & Manifesto by Edafe Okporo offers an engaging read following the life of an outed gay man in Nigeria where a new law allows the government to kill homosexuals. Buying a one-way ticket to New York City, Okporo’s memoir covers his start in America, seeking to help others and finding support for immigrants.

The straight-forward narrative is also a Nigerian gay love story. As Szatmary notes, “it’s rare to find a book set in contemporary time in the tumult of a third world country and depicting the hope for a free and just future in America.”

Whether as a thoughtful gift to an appreciative friend or for personal pleasure, a good book ennobles (and helps escape the season’s stress).

Paul Masterson is an LGBTQ activist and writer and has served on the boards of the Milwaukee Gay Arts Center, Milwaukee Pride, GAMMA and other organizations.

Finally, the last of Szatmary’s trans suggestions is Mattie Lubchansky’s Boys Weekend, a wacky, satirical and surreal horror story in graphic novel format (all the rage now),

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ART FOR ART'S SAKE

From The City That Always Sweeps

BY ART KUMBALEK

I

’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a?

So listen, I hear it’s already the month called December that includes the Christmas day, which many consider to be a hooting-tooting holiday. Yes, December, the so-called 12th and last month, finally, of this and any ferkakta year according to experts who track this kind of stuff, what the fock.

December: the month of the winter solstice, the day with the fewest daylight hours, certainly a boon to vampires all over the Northern Hemisphere; so I suggest to you holiday gift-buyers out-and-about that you keep a keen eye out for fellow shoppers who may appear to be bat-crazy (numerous, they are).

I recommend you wear a winter cap composed of threads of garlic not to mention that you best carry a sharpened silver letter-opener so as to stab through the heart your nearest living-dead competitor as you attempt to be the first to grab the Bitzee Intertactive Toy Digital Pet and Case off the Walmart shelf, I kid you not.

And then I’ll tell you that TV has its “Charlie Brown Christmas,” the performing stage has its Nut-focking-cracker and A Christmas Carol, the city has its property tax bills, the Milwaukee Brewers have questions at first and third base, and “Art for Art’s Sake” has one version or another of what follows for you and the family, guaranteed to roast the cockles of your god-blessed chestnuts.

I mean “frankincense,” an aromatic gum resin? Give me a focking break.

Eventually, these three guys came across a lowly stable and decided genug ist genug. They asked a guy who was hanging around there if he’d like some gifts ’cause they were sick and tired of carrying them from helland-back. The stable guy says “you betcha” and invites them in for a nice hot focking toddy.

OK, story has it that these three socalled kings loaded up with a bunch of gifts are from out of this place called Orient Are, wherever the fock that was supposed to be. To this day I still can’t find it on a map. But you got to remember, this was way-way-back in the old-olden days when your average wise man thought the Earth to be flatter than a ballerina, so what the fock.

The wise men waltz into the stable but the guy with the myrrh, who was a bit taller than the other two Einsteins, cracked his head on the top of the doorway. “Jesus H. Christ!” he shouts. The stable guy, whose name happened to be Joseph wouldn’t you now, calls out to the wife, Mary, “Hey hon! You hear that? ‘Jesus H. Christ.’ I like that a lot better than ‘Chester,’ ain’a?” Ba-ding!

So, these three guys were traipsing to and fro, checking out all the towns and what-not of the then-known world in search of an infant recently conceived out of thin air, a child who was not only rumored but also proclaimed verily to those on high to be the son of god.

One of the kings queried, “Which god?”

One of the other king guys says, “What, like I should know from ‘which god’? A god is a god is a god. Who cares which one, for cripes sakes.” And the third wiseguy said, “Yeah, forget about it. I don’t care if he’s the focking son of the god of focking rodeo clowns for focking crying out loud, we still got to go pay our respects on general principles.

It’s the right thing to do, capiche?”

So, there you go. And as a devotion upon to emergent occasions, tradition suggests I wish you happy holidays, merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, joyous whatever-it-is-you-got-deserves-celebrating.

And to all: I hope you get what’s coming to you, right here, right now, and I mean that in the best way. Be damn sure to celebrate these holidays good and plenty. You just can’t ever be 100 per-focking-cent sure that it may not be the last one you’ll get; so make it a good one, what the fock, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

So they’re carting these gifts all over creation, gifts that even a kid back then would think sucked ass.

Anyways, regardless of whatever holiday bug you may have up your butt, I know for many of you’s it just wouldn’t be the Christmas without the once-inawhile annual retelling of a Christmas classic you first read here—a traditional holiday experience not unlike the pinching of the Yule log Christmas morning and the hot focking toddy slam-binging to come later in the day, ain’a? And what is tradition but the same goddamn thing over and over?

You tell me.

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Elf photo by LightFieldStudios/Getty Images. Snow background by AlexeyVS/Getty Images.