Constructing A Better Dollhouse: Reshaping Negative Thinking

con str uct ing a better

Res

ing k in h T e iv t a haping Neg

:

Shaydan Bayless

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HOW DID WE GET HERE We’ve all experienced it at some point. That little

But so quickly, it all began to change. Vibrant colors

voice inside your head that tells you that you can’t

became dull as blue skies faded to gray. My ideas

do it, you don’t deserve it, everything sucks, you

seemed impossible and unrealistic. Society said

suck, and life sucks. You know what really sucks?

that I was too old to play with dolls. Eventually,

Negative-self talk; it sucks the life out of you and

I noticed myself becoming more aware of the harsh

turns you into a miserable person. Every move you

realities of life. Sometimes after you have had so

make, you’re doubting yourself and the next thing

many bad things happen to you, your mind starts

you know you are questioning your existence.

placing the blame on yourself. You feel like you must

“A National Science Foundation study found that

be unlovable and unworthy to end up in a situation

most of us have between 60-80 thousand individual

like this. The negative-self talk starts to become who

thoughts per day. Up to 80% of those thoughts

you are. You end up in a miserable conversation

are negative.” Learning how to cope with these

with your inner-critic who just won’t shut up. It feels

unwanted, negative thoughts is crucial for a better

as if there is no going back. There is no escaping

quality of life.

your negative mind. And you think to yourself, how did I get here? How did my negative mindset become

Like many children, I loved anything and everything

who I am?

doll related. I collected Barbies, American Girl Dolls, Bratz, and Polly Pockets. My imagination flourished

What you need isn’t time travel or an escape

while I would make up wild scenarios and silly

plan, what you need are some tools. Some tools

stories with my dolls. I was completely in my own

to shift your perspective, to help you practice

world where the possibilities were endless. I always

self-compassion, and to regain the confidence

treated my dolls carefully and I took good care of

you have been searching for. Now I’m not

them and their dollhouse. Decorating the dollhouse

promising to solve all your problems with these

was always one of my favorite parts about playing

instructions, but I will give you the tools to start

with dolls. I would D.I.Y. anything I could think of.

constructing a better dollhouse. Just as you can

I would recycle trash or find objects that I could

rebuild a dollhouse, you can rebuild your mindset,

give a new life to. Or, I would start by scratch and

starting on the exterior and working your way in.

construct whatever I was envisioning. I always

I challenge you to channel your younger self and

imagined that one day when I was older, I would

reshape your inner world into a place of creativity,

work on my own dollhouse where I would build

positivity, and self-empowerment.

and decorate it myself.

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A BUNCH OF NEGATIVE NELLIES Negative Nelly, a name I know all too well... and

events having a more significant impact on our

maybe you do too. If you’ve never heard the phrase,

psychological state than positive events.”

a Negative Nelly is someone that is pessimistic.

“We remember the insults, bad situations, and

Someone that doesn’t look at the bright side of

negative outcomes.” Not only are we wired to

things and is constantly complaining. Interestingly

remember the negative, we also ruminate or

enough, it is a fact that as humans we are all

dwell on negative events. We then make decisions

innately negative. We have been negative since the

informed by the negative experiences we’ve had.

beginning of time. This comes from the negativity

In fact, we learn more from negative experiences

bias which is “a cognitive bias that results in adverse

rather than positive ones.

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NEGATIVITY WRECKS THE FOUNDATION Being stuck in a negative mindset can be

Not only can your negative thoughts affect you,

detrimental for your health. Thinking negatively

they can also affect those around you. You might

can limit your brain power and in turn, you begin

feel like your negative thoughts suck the life out of

to limit your own abilities. Negative thinking can

you, but others may feel the same when you’re in

worsen existing anxiety and depression. It can

their presence. It can be emotionally and mentally

cause self-doubt and lower your self-esteem.

draining to be around someone who emits negativity.

Negativity can cause tension, awkwardness, and it

Additionally, negative thinking can cause

can make people feel uncomfortable. Eventually,

extreme stress. This can lead to chronic stress

people stop inviting Negative Nelly places as they

which is known to shorten lifespans. Our brain’s

start to avoid being around her.

hypothalamus signals our adrenal glands to release and increase levels of stress hormones,

Now, I’m not telling you this information to make you

including cortisol and adrenaline (or epinephrine).

feel more stuck. I’m telling you this because I want

When your body’s hormones are unbalanced,

you to realize that your negativity isn’t doing you

the chemicals that are required for happiness

or those around you any good. Not a single positive

are depleted and damage to the immune system

thing comes from negativity. But, the good news is it

can occur. Also, “Poorly managed or repressed

is something you can work on. You can rebuild

anger (hostility) is also related to a slew of health

the way your brain thinks. You can recycle your

conditions, such as hypertension (high blood

thoughts and repurpose them for good. Although,

pressure), cardiovascular disease, digestive

it isn’t a simple process. It will be something you

disorders, and infection.” Sleep issues are also

have to work at, you will need to utilize your tools to

known to arise when stuck in a negative mindset.

rebuild the way your brain thinks.

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OK, BUT NOW WHAT!?

You may be thinking “Ok, great. But now what?”

Normally, an event or situation happens and we

The first step to becoming the architect of your

think about what just occured. You want to catch

brain is to become aware of your negative thinking

yourself in this thinking phase. You should take a

patterns. Awareness is the key here.

second to pause and analyze your thoughts. Try to identify if they are cognitive distortions. Becoming

An easy way to identify negative thoughts is through

aware of your thoughts and the fact that they are

understanding cognitive distortions. Cognitive

distorted is important. This will allow you to check

distortions are internal mental filters or biases that

in with yourself and your thinking.

increase our misery, fuel our anxiety, and make us feel bad about ourselves. There are 10 categorized

From here, you will want to try to redirect your

cognitive distortions that make it easy to identify

thoughts. As we know, negative thoughts lead to

negative thinking patterns. Those categories are:

negative emotions. So why don’t we try neutral or positive thinking? Or maybe, we can find other

01. All or Nothing Thinking

tools that work for us like mindfulness activities.

02. Mind Reading

Those activities could be journaling, art, self-care,

03. Fortune Telling

meditation or practicing positive affirmations.

04. Self-Blame

What’s most important is finding what works for

05. Should Statements

you. Try not to get discouraged when you try an

06. Mental Filtering

activity and you feel like it doesn’t work for you.

07. Disqualifying the Positive

It is all trial and error as we are all individuals

08. Overgeneralization

with different needs.

09. Emotional Reasoning 10. Minimization & Magnification

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IDENTIFYING COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS All or Nothing Thinking

Mind Reading

All or nothing is when you put people, things, and

Mind Reading is where you make assumptions

actions into two categories: good or bad. There is

about what others are thinking without any solid

no middle ground.

evidence or facts to back up your thoughts.

Example: You receive a B on a math test, and

Example: You send a text message to a friend, but

instead of acknowledging the decent grade,

they don’t reply immediately. You start thinking,

you think, I got a B so I’m terrible at math.

they must be mad at me for something. They’re

I must be a complete failure.

probably ignoring me on purpose.

Fortune Telling

Self-blame

Fortune telling is jumping to conclusions based

Self -blame, also known as personalization, is

on predictions about the future without any solid

where you take the blame or fault for outcomes

evidence or facts to back up your thoughts.

that are not necessarily in your control.

Example: You are trying to cook a new recipe for

Example: Your basketball team is playing in a

dinner, but you predict it will be a failed attempt

game and you make one error during the game.

even before any cooking takes place. You think to

Your team ends up losing the game and you

yourself, I’m sure I will mess something up and

think to yourself, our team lost because of me.

dinner will be ruined.

Should Statements

Mental Filtering

Should statements come from a set of rules

Mental filtering is when you focus your attention

or beliefs that you create in your head. These

on the negative. The filtration of aspects of an

statements often come from high expectations.

experience creates these distorted thoughts.

Example: It is your day off and you’ve already

Example: You received feedback in a meeting

completed a bunch of tasks around the house.

with your boss. The feedback was positive, but

You take a moment to sit down on the couch

you chose to focus on the one negative thing that

and you think, I should be productive instead

was said. You think, I am a terrible employee

of relaxing.

since I can’t sort files correctly.

Disqualifying the Positive

Overgeneralization

Disqualifying the positive is where you

Overgeneralization is when you make broad

acknowledge the positive, but refuse to accept it.

conclusions about your abilities, characteristics,

It is a complete rejection of positive experiences.

or the world based on isolated incidents.

Example: You receive an award at a competition

Example: You interview for a job, but they don’t

you entered. After receiving the award you think

end up hiring you. After receiving the news you

to yourself, it must have been a fluke, I don’t

think, “I must be horrible at my profession and in

deserve this award.

the future, I know that I won’t get hired anywhere.”

Emotional Reasoning

Minimization & Magnification

Emotional reasoning is using what is felt in an

Magnification is an over-exaggeration of a thought.

experience to justify a thought. The emotions

Minimization is the opposite of magnification.

become the truth and logistics aren’t considered.

Magnification Example: You are meeting a friend

Example: You see a post on social media of your

for lunch and they aren’t at the restaurant when

friends hanging out together without you. Seeing

you show up. You think, something bad must have

this photo makes you feel alone. You think,

happened to them.

everyone must hate being around me.

Minimization Example: You receive a big promotion at work, but think to yourself, it’s not a big deal, lots of people get promotions.

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COPING MECHANISMS, TIPS, & TOOLS Seek the Positive

Reframe the Thought

Be Social

Consciously seek out and

Rule out negative thoughts and

Spend some time sticking

magnify the positive aspects

replace them with positive or

with family or friends. Think

in life.

neutral thoughts.

about joining a club or team to meet people.

Try Journaling

Take Care of Yourself

Chat with a Friend

Grab your pencil and

Engage in self care. Try to patch

Repair your bain by having a

jot down your negative

yourself up by taking a hot bubble

meaningful conversation with

thoughts in a journal.

bath, practicing skincare, or

a friend.

painting your nails.

Take a Break

Practice Gratitude

Try Exercising

Take a breather and step back

Screw negativity by expressing

Hammer down and indulge

to gather your thoughts; if

gratitude to yourself or by thanking

in physical activity to

necessary, remove yourself

someone who has made an impact

redirect your focus away

from the situation.

in your life.

from negative thoughts.

Mindfulness

Positive Affirmations

Eat & Sleep Well

Dedicate time to level your

Boost your confidence by drilling

Don’t bolt away from being

spirit through mindfulness

positive affirmations.

kind to your body.

Find a Way to Serve

Hobby or Activity

Listen to Music

Extend your reach by doing

Brush up on a hobby or activity.

Twist and turn to the beat

a random act of kindness.

Consider trying something new.

of your favorite song.

meditation practices.

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LEARNING TO FORGIVE YOURSELF Most importantly, it is crucial for the success

Holding a grudge against yourself is limiting.

of your dollhouse to learn to go easy on yourself.

You must learn to forgive yourself and the way

Afterall, you are only human and you will always

your brain thinks in order to free yourself.

make mistakes. But what you do with the way you

Letting go of the negative can really be freeing.

think about those mistakes is what will help you

You can be a better version of yourself.

construct a better dollhouse.

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