School of Sharks by John Benjamin Franklin III
(Psych Teleplay)
John Franklin 28101 Camellia CT Laguna Niguel, CA 92677 (949) 362-1407 Jfranklin66@cox.net
ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. SHAWN’S FRONT LAWN – DAY (1980) TITLE: 1980 YOUNG SHAWN and YOUNG GUS are in a small blow-up pool partially covered by a large cardboard box. Young Shawn is wearing a sailor hat and Young Gus is wearing large yellow arm floaties. Young Shawn is looking through a makeshift periscope and spies a floating model ship. YOUNG SHAWN Destroyer on the left! Dive! Dive! YOUNG GUS Port Sean! Port is left and starboard is right. YOUNG SHAWN You know I can’t remember what port is! Just say left or right. YOUNG GUS Knowing port from starboard will save your life one day. Every good seaman knows that Shawn. YOUNG SEAN Whatever. Battle stations! YOUNG GUS (looking at his hands) I’m getting water logged and all wrinkly. YOUNG SEAN No time for that sailor. Take evasive action. Destroyer directly above... depth charges in the water! YOUNG GUS I’m getting hot in this box... YOUNG SEAN Silence! They can hear us. Run silent run deep. Explosions! Young Shawn thrashes about in the box and lands on top of Young Gus who freaks out.
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YOUNG GUS I can’t swim! I can’t swim! Young Gus flails in the box on his back with his head barely above the water. YOUNGER HENRY grabs both Young Shawn and Young Gus by their arms and pulls them out of the blow-up pool. YOUNGER HENRY Shawn, you know Gus hates the water. He’s terrified of drowning. YOUNG GUS CPR! Have mercy. I need sweet life saving CPR. I think I saw the light. YOUNGER HENRY Shawn, just because you're having fun doesn’t mean everyone around you is. YOUNG SHAWN Ridiculous, come on Gus, Land of the Lost is starting. Young Shawn heads to the front door and Young Gus crawls and then collapses onto his yellow arm floaties. INT. GUS’S CAR – MOVING – DAY (PRESENT) Shawn and Gus drive along the coast. Gus is wearing a skin tight orange and green sleeved rash guard shirt (he looks like Robin from Batman and Robin). Shawn is wearing his normal clothes. GUS I’ve been dying to hit the waves all summer. I can’t wait to try out my new boogie board. SHAWN Yes Guster, you are Mr. Morey himself. You know, whatever happened to your irrational fear of drowning? GUS Fear of drowning is not irrational Shawn. Nine people a day drown in the U.S.! I’m OK as long as I stay close to the shore... it’s deep water that freaks me out.
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SHAWN You know Gus, the only way to conquer your fear is to face it. GUS Fine, let’s pull over and find a spider and you can start first. SHAWN Insects are Satan’s minions! Hey, hang a left here. GUS The beach isn’t for another two miles... SHAWN Trust me. I have surprise for you. GUS I don’t like your surprises Shawn. Remember my surprise party? Instead of yelling surprise you all threw tomatoes at me. SHAWN What, it was a surprise wasn’t it? GUS I’m allergic to tomatoes Shawn. I broke out in hives in places a man should never have hives. SHAWN (points) Park here. EXT. HARBOR PARKING LOT – DAY – CONTINUOUS Shawn and Gus exit the car. Gus collects his boogie board, fins, and towel from the trunk while Shawn grabs a small backpack. GUS Where’s your stuff? SHAWN It’s all here. Don’t worry. Shawn heads to the marina and Gus follows. GUS What are we doing here Shawn?
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Gus struggles to carry all his gear. SHAWN Does DR. EDWIN CHARLES ring a bell? GUS Dr. Sir Edwin Charles? Knighted for his ground breaking studies on the affects of global warming on marine life, specifically coastal-reef environments. I have his poster up in my office. He is the Jacques Cousteau of our day! SHAWN I’m glad you feel that way mi compadre, because he is a short boat ride away. Gus stops in his tracks. SHAWN (CONT’D) My friend DR. ALEX MANN at the University of Santa Barbara is working with him on a study of our coast and invited us aboard the research vessel. Gus remains still. SHAWN (CONT’D) Time to face your fear Guster. Or should I say Gusteau? INT. ZODIAC BOAT – DAY Shawn is at the very front of the small Zodiac facing seaward. Gus sits in the middle clutching his boogie board and fins. They are speeding towards the research vessel. SHAWN (to the ocean) I’m the king of Santa Barbara! GUS Sit down Shawn, you’re gonna capsize us! The Zodiac slows alongside the research vessel and stops next to a rope ladder. SHAWN (yelling up) Permission to come aboard Captain.
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An attractive WOMAN looks down and smiles. WOMAN Land lovers welcome if they can pull their own weight. Shawn scrambles up the ladder and swings onto the boat and disappears. He returns looking down at Gus. SHAWN Gusteau, everyone is waiting. GUS (loud whisper) Shawn, I can’t climb up a ladder in the middle of the ocean! It’s deep out here. SHAWN Fears! Face! Look Gus, Sir Edwin is up here and sharks are down there. You make the choice. Gus relents and climbs up fumbling with his boogie board and fins. INT. DECK OF VESSEL – DAY – CONTINUOUS Gus stands out breathing heavy from climbing the ladder with his skintight Robin shirt and boogie board and fins. Everyone else is dressed like Shawn or in scuba gear. Shawn stands next to the Woman. SHAWN Gus, this is Alexandria or Dr. Alex Mann. Woman/Alex holds out her hand to shake hands with Gus. Gus shakes it weakly. GUS Mann is a woman? ALEX Why yes, I am a woman. Is that a problem? SHAWN Gus, I’m a shamed of you. You thought only a man could do Mann’s job! GUS No! I’m just... I mean...
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SHAWN Come on Alex, this is embarrassing. GUS I support WEDO! Tell her Shawn! Women’s Environment & Development Organization. I’m an honorary member... Shawn and Alex move to the stern with Gus in tow. The stern is littered with diving gear and a small submersible. DR. RICHARD GARRET is at a table sifting through samples from the reef below, his air tanks with a blue stripe are next to him. Dr. Sir Edwin Charles is preparing dive equipment. ALEX Edwin, I would like you to meet Shawn and Gus. They’re volunteering today. GUS Edwin, I’m a real admirer of yours. Your work at the Great Barrier Reef was remarkable. EDWIN Yes, thank you, but please address me as Dr. or Sir if you will. GUS Hah, hah... or Dr. Sir, funny. Everyone stares at him. SHAWN (to Alex) It’s awkward day for Gus. ALEX Edwin, leave Gus alone. He really likes you especially since you’re male. GUS I like women! DECKHAND #1 Edwin, we might have a problem. Steven isn’t responding to a ventilate check. SHAWN (to Deckhand #1) Kirkster?
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GUS/ALEX Kirkster? DECKHAND #1/KIRK Is that you Shawn? Shawn and Kirk shake hands. Kirk looks like he could be Gus’s brother, but his personality is more like Shawn. SHAWN Hey Gus, you remember me you about Kirk? Kirk and the whole summer you did internship for that lame lab.
telling I hung out that medical
GUS (eyes Kirk jealously) That was a very prestigious lab Shawn. KIRK Yeah, we had a great time. There were a couple of natural and unnatural laws we broke that summer. GUS Well we had plenty of good summers, right Shawn? Remember the time we got stung by jelly fish? SHAWN Yes, that was hell. You wanted to pee on me! GUS It was the correct thing to do Shawn. KIRK (sarcastically to Gus) Nice rash guard. GUS Thanks, Shawn gave it to me for Christmas. KIRK (to Shawn/laughs) You finally got your Robin.
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GUS (looks at his rash guard/to Shawn) You made me Robin! I’m Batman, Shawn! Batman I tell you! SHAWN I don’t know what you’re talking about. EDWIN I hate to break up the reunion boys, but we should check on Steven. He’s probably just ignoring us so we won’t pull him up early. Did you check his air supply? KIRK Yes the gages say the air is flowing fine. EDWIN See if he responds to a tug. Kirk and DECKHAND #2 pull on the oxygen line, but there is no return tug. EDWIN (CONT’D) OK, pull him up. Kirk and Deckhand #2 pull him up and it is clear that he is non-responsive when he hits the surface. EDWIN (CONT’D) Get him out! Hurry! They all pitch in and pull Steven on board and remove his helmet. Kirk tries to resuscitate him and performs CPR. KIRK (pounds on Steven’s chest) Come back! Don’t go! Kirk continues CPR and then slumps in defeat. Everyone is in shock. ALEX I can’t believe this! I mean, I can’t believe this is happening. This shouldn’t be happening. Shawn comforts her.
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EDWIN Not another accident. I don’t understand. I run a safe operation. Shawn looks at the air hose and sees a triangle indention. Next he looks at the radio gear and sees the receiver wire pulled out just enough not to be connected. SHAWN The fish! They’re communing! Shawn drops to the ground and flops on the deck like a fish. EDWIN What’s he doing? GUS It’s OK Dr., Sir... ah, Knight Edwin. We’re psychic detectives for the Santa Barbara police department. SHAWN This was no accident! He couldn’t breath. He couldn’t talk. I feel a pinch! Shawn flops on the ground to the air line and shows everyone the triangle pinch in the line. RICHARD A pinched line doesn’t mean murder. Shawn flops to the radio and shows them that the receiver is unplugged. EDWIN What’s going on? KIRK How did the radio get disconnected? It has to be unscrewed. ALEX Why would someone murder Steven? That’s crazy. Richard walks to Steven and kneels down. RICHARD What’s this? Richard pulls a battered gold coin from beneath Steven.
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RICHARD (CONT’D) Do you think someone killed him over this? For treasure... doubloons? Shawn eyes the gold coin closely from the ground and notices unusual indentions. SHAWN (standing) No! I mean yes, he was killed, but not for treasure. Everyone stares at Shawn and Gus pulls him aside. GUS What’s going on Shawn? How do you know this isn’t about treasure? SHAWN Gustarama, we already had a case with treasure, remember? What are the odds of two? No, this is something different, something sinister. GUS Sinister is my word. I get to use it not you Shawn! SHAWN Everyone! Stay calm, it is time to call our favorite rescue water dog. Lassie! Lassie! GUS Shawn, we’re in the ocean, Shouldn’t we call Flipper? SHAWN Yes Guster, you are correct. I am bested. EXT. RESEARCH VESSEL – DAY (LATER) Shawn and Gus look down the rope ladder at CARLTON LASSITER, and JULIET O’HARE who are in a zodiac below. Lassiter has one eye covered in a white medical patch. SHAWN Good to see you came in costume Lassie. Great for moral. Will you need help up the ladder with your hook hand and peg leg?
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LASSITER I had an eye exam today Mr. Spencer and I don’t have a hook hand or peg leg. Prepare for boarders. O’HARE Prepare for boarders? GUS Here comes Captain Stubing. Lassiter and O’Hare climb over the edge. LASSITER Alright mates, we’re gonna search fore-and-aft, port and starboard, from the keel to the mizzenmast. EDWIN What are you talking about? SHAWN Captain Crunch is right. GUS Aren’t you Captain Crunch? SHAWN Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Lassie is right though, we need to search the ship, but maybe we should start with the dead researcher. LASSITER Yes, that is what I meant. Is he on the quarterdeck? GUS (like a pirate) Aye. Shawn leads them to the stern. Lassiter surveys the scene. LASSITER Why was he alone? Why didn’t he have a diving buddy? EDWIN Richard was his diving buddy. GUS But when we arrived Richard was working the sample table.
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LASSITER Why are you two here anyway? SHAWN Dead men tell no tales. Yo ho. EDWIN Richard said he was low on air and needed to come up. Shawn walks over to his table and notices his tools, air tanks and regulator. LASSITER And who performed CPR? KIRK I did. I couldn’t save him. It’s something I will have to live with. Kirk and O’Hare exchange interested looks. Shawn and Gus see this. O’HARE You were decisive and brave. The way a man should be. LASSITER OK, we need to take... O’HARE Lassiter, we need to shut this down and take everyone in for statements. LASSITER Listen First Mate... O’HARE First Mate! Let me guess, you’re the captain? EDWIN I’m the Captain! This is ridiculous. We’ll secure the ship and take launches ashore. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS – DAY Shawn, Gus, Lassiter and O’Hare are all in POLICE CHIEF VICK’S office.
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CHIEF (to Shawn and Gus) Go home gentlemen. SHAWN/GUS What! SHAWN Sure, we discover a murder and now you want us to turn it over to Captain and Taneal! LASSITER Hey! O’HARE I’m Captain; not Taneal! CHIEF Quiet! Listen, we don’t know anything yet. All we have is a possible crimped line, a radio line not plugged in and a gold coin. Not exactly a smoking gun. SHAWN The fish! Did you hear what the fish told me? CHIEF Unless you can subpoena the fish I don’t want to hear about it. We’ll run some tests on the gold and reconstruct the incident and look for something original like a motive. Maybe then we’ll have a murder. Until then, go home. INT. HALL - CONTINUOUS Shawn and Gus leave and see Alex and Kirk in the hall. SHAWN Don’t worry Alex, we’ll get to the bottom of this. ALEX Thank you Shawn. I’m scared; what if someone did kill Steven? Am I in danger? GUS I promise; we won’t let anything happen to you. We're on the case.
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SHAWN Yes Gusteau, you're correct. Let’s retire to the psych cave and have Alfred crunch some research for us. GUS I’m not going to be Alfred Shawn. I’m Batman! O’Hare walks up to Kirk. O’HARE Still arguing over Batman? It doesn’t matter anyway because Catwoman owns them both. (beat) By the way Kirk, don’t leave town, I may need you to answer some questions later. KIRK What about tonight over Italian? I answer questions best on a full stomach. I used to go to this great bistro... O’Hare looks uncomfortable and flattered. She looks at the others. O’HARE I don’t know if that will be necessary. I will call you with any additional questions. O’Hare walks off and Alex leaves as well. KIRK Hey Shawn, what is the deal with the foxy cop? Does she like an incredibly poised and chiseled male specimen? GUS Who doesn’t... I mean what woman doesn’t, but you’re not her type. KIRK Really Gussy, what makes you say that. GUS Gus!
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SHAWN No, Gus is correct. She likes the more dependable type. You know the guy who doesn’t set sail on a whim or when the creditors get too close. KIRK Are you kidding! That’s exactly what women like. INT. PSYCH OFFICE – DAY Shawn and Gus are in the office and Gus is working on the computer. SHAWN I don’t care what you say Gus, Adam West is the real Batman! GUS Michael Keaton, Shawn. SHAWN Adam West. Don’t make me KABAM you! (beat) Strange running into Kirk. GUS So you never told me why you stopped hanging out with him? SHAWN A story best told later. Besides, I didn’t need another Gus, I already had one. GUS What are you talking about Shawn! Kirk is my doppelganger. SHAWN He is not a doppel hanger. Even if I knew what that was which I don’t, but still he isn’t. GUS Doppelganger, Shawn. Kirk and I might look alike but we are exact opposites. He’s actually a chocolate brown Shawn.
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SHAWN Huh, I like that. Chocolate Brown Shawn. That could be my new handle. Or better yet, White Chocolate Shawn. That’s it! That’s my new handle! GUS No Shawn, that is not your new handle. Hey, check this out. Gus shows Shawn a series of articles featuring Edwin in which accidents have occurred. GUS (CONT’D) Looks like Sir Edwin has had several accidents during his research trips. The latest being at the Great Barrier Reef in which one of his researchers was attacked by a shark. SHAWN Hmm. GUS Before that they had a problem with the submersible and the crew had to be rescued. SHAWN My coincidence alarms are ringing. GUS And in every instance, the research project was extended and more funding was raised due to the publicity. SHAWN Holy Motive Guster! We need to reach Alex. Shawn calls Alex with his cell phone. SHAWN (CONT’D) Alex where are you? At your office, don’t move. We’re on our way. Shawn hangs up. SHAWN (CONT’D) To the Psych mobile!
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GUS I was going to say that! INT. ALEX/RICHARD’S OFFICE – NIGHT Alex and Richard are talking and Shawn bursts in with Gus following. SHAWN I psychicly saw turmoil... pain... with Edwin’s research. A dorsal fin... GUS Shamu? SHAWN No! More teeth and scarier music. ALEX A shark? SHAWN Yes! RICHARD Yes, there was a shark attack on his last trip. SHAWN I hear insects... no, Beetles... (sings) We all live in a yellow submarine. GUS/SHAWN (sings) Yellow submarine. Yellow submarine. ALEX That’s crazy! He had a submarine accident a couple of years ago. GUS What happened to all these research trips? RICHARD They just finished up. ALEX Well, technically they extended a bit.
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RICHARD Yeah, I think you’re right. SHAWN Is that normal? ALEX Just a coincidence I guess. SHAWN Coincidence alarms going off. GUS So every time there was an accident his funding increased. Interesting. SHAWN Smells like motive in the air. Shawn looks around the room at Alex’s artifacts and then he notices Richard’s rock collection and tools. SHAWN (CONT’D) Quite the rock hound aren’t you Richard? RICHARD Yes, a hobby of mine. SHAWN (picks up a pick) Why the blue stripe on the pick? RICHARD Are you kidding, tools among scientist disappear all the time. You have to mark them or they will melt in with the rest. Shawn looks above his desk at several pictures of Edwin with female assistants. He then notices a warehouse number. Lassiter and O’Hare enter briskly. Lassiter’s eye patch is now gray. LASSITER Dr. Alex Mann, you are under arrest for the murder of Dr. Steven Harris. O’HARE You'll need to return with us.
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ALEX What! SHAWN MOM! Everybody stops and stares at him. SHAWN (CONT’D) Means, opportunity, motive? O’HARE She knew how to tamper with diving gear, she was on the ship and... (points to the wall full of treasure artifacts) She is a treasure hunter, who has her own collection of doubloons. Shawn looks at the hanging collector frame of gold doubloons. LASSITER We tested the gold coin found with Steven. It is authentic Spanish gold. SHAWN Lassie, is your eye patch darker? And Jules, I’m disappointed in you! Taking your jealous juices out on Alex. O’HARE You’re crazy! ALEX This can’t be happening. Shawn! SHAWN We’ll fix this! Lassiter, O’Hare, and Alex leave. GUS Don’t worry Shawn, we’ll get to the bottom of this. ACT II INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT Sean and Gus enter a warehouse on the docks. It is pitch black when they enter.
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GUS Shawn, why are we here? SHAWN I told you, I want to see why this warehouse number is on Richard’s desk. GUS Shouldn’t tell the Chief about the motive we discovered for Sir Edwin? SHAWN Yes Gus, let’s run to the Chief and tell her about the Knight’s diabolical plan with no proof whatso-ever. GUS Diabolical is my word too Shawn. Loud POPS are heard as they walk. SHAWN What is that popping sound? GUS Shawn, we are in a warehouse. I’m sure it’s full of bubble wrap. They continue walking and CRUNCHING is heard. SHAWN And the crunchy ground? GUS Packing popcorn Shawn. Gus moves to the side and feels along the wall. GUS (CONT’D) I found a light switch. See Shawn, just... Gus turns on the light and both Shawn and Gus see that the popping they heard was from stepping on cockroaches. The floor is crawling with thousands of cockroaches.
(CONT’D) (CONT’D)
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SHAWN/GUS (scream like girls) AHHHH!!!!! Shawn and Gus try to jump into each others arms several times only to fall to the ground. SHAWN Hell’s gates have opened! I’m out of here! GUS Shawn! Alex needs you. The researcher’s gear is in the corner. Let’s check it out. SHAWN I don’t care if the Smithereens are performing a live concert in the corner, I’m not moving. GUS Shawn, fear... face! You can do this. Shawn and Gus pick there way through the cockroaches very slowly in an exaggerated manner. In the corner is a pile of diving gear from the expedition. There is a diving tank with a blue stripe and Shawn looks at the air gage with the needle on one quarter. Shawn and Gus hear the door handle RATTLE. GUS (CONT’D) (loud whisper) Shawn! Someone is coming. What do we do? SHAWN Hide! Gus moves to the corner and motions for Shawn to come hide with him behind some boxes. Shawn runs over and stops when he sees hundreds of cockroaches on the floor surrounding Gus. The door UNLOCKS. SHAWN (CONT’D) I changed my mind! Giving up is better than hiding! That’s my first choice now.
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Gus pulls him down and they CRUNCH on the cockroaches. Shawn GAGS. Edwin enters and walks toward the gear. His cell phone RINGS. EDWIN Hey, yes I’m at the warehouse. Let me check. (looks around) Yes, your dive gear is here. OK, bye. Edwin takes a notebook from the table and leaves shutting the light off leaving them in pitch black. SHAWN Mommy... INT. HENRY’S HOUSE – NIGHT Shawn paces in Henry’s living room and scratches all over his body. Gus is sitting relaxed. SHAWN I can’t get them off me! GUS Relax, it only feels like they are crawling on you. Besides, cockroaches are as clean as their environment. SHAWN Great, now I have cockroaches and rat poo all over me! Henry walks in the front door. HENRY Shawn! What are you doing here? (beat) And why are you freaking out? You’re not on drugs are you? SHAWN/GUS No! SHAWN Although I wish I was. GUS We just came from a warehouse filled with cockroaches.
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HENRY (chuckles) I see Nancy held up great. I could never get him to even hook a worm. SHAWN Can we talk about how ashamed you are of me as a son, but how proud you are of me as a daughter later! We need your help. Shawn moves to the wall and stands next to a framed certificate. HENRY What is it now, Shawn? SHAWN We need your specialized diving training. HENRY/GUS What? SHAWN (points to the certificate) We need to use your intense diving training you received in Acapulco. HENRY Shawn, that was a one day course ten years ago when I was on a cruise. SHAWN Really? Is that why you have it framed? HENRY You were the dive instructor down in Argentina. SHAWN Si. But I still need your help. Someone needs to sit with Gus in the submersible. GUS Did you say submarine sandwich? Or suburban or sub par because I know you didn’t say submersible!
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SHAWN I need your super sniffer Gus. Shawn’s phone RINGS. SHAWN (CONT’D) Kirk! Oh really? You’re meeting her in an hour. No, I don’t know her favorite desert. Yes I will tell Gussy you send your love. Shawn hangs up. SHAWN (CONT’D) Where were we? Oh yes, we all agreed to go. Shawn and Henry head to the door. GUS (standing firm) You can’t smell under water Shawn! EXT. BISTRO – NIGHT Shawn, Gus and Henry lurk outside a small Italian bistro looking in the windows. HENRY I thought we were going to the marina Shawn? GUS Yeah Shawn, what are we doing here? SHAWN A quick detour. I need Jules to stake out the cockroach warehouse. Gus looks in the window and sees O’Hare and Kirk having a romantic candlelight dinner. GUS You mean you want to get Jules away from Kirkster! SHAWN What? No! HENRY OK Shawn, then go in there and talk with Juliet.
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SHAWN I can’t. This needs to be confidential. I don’t want Kirk to accidentally tip anyone off. GUS Shawn, what’s going on? SHAWN Fine! Remember you asked me why I stopped hanging out with Kirk? GUS Yes. SHAWN Remember Stephanie Reinhard? GUS Sure! She was hot. HENRY And way out of your league. SHAWN (to Henry) No one asked you. (to Gus) Kirk stole her from me. And I know Kirk and I don’t want to see Jules hurt. GUS That’s not right Shawn. (beat) Hey, wait a minute! That’s why you started hanging out with me again. You thought I wasn’t competition for you! I’m competition Shawn! Competition I say! SHAWN I know Gus, you are competition personified. OK, we need a plan. Gus, you go in there and pretend to be a waiter and spill water on him. Make sure it’s a lot so he’ll have to go to the bathroom to dry off. GUS No way Shawn. He’ll recognize me.
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SHAWN Right again Guster. Dad, you got the short straw. HENRY Forget it! INT. BISTRO – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) Henry slips in the back door and takes an apron draped over a chair. He takes a tray of water and heads to Kirk and O’Hare’s table. Shawn and Gus look in through the front window. KIRK Juliet, you’re a strong woman. I like that. Your confidence and intelligence are intoxicating. O’HARE I love a man who can recognize and communicate what he likes. Henry walks to the table with the tray covering his face. He pretends to stumble and drops the whole tray on Kirk. KIRK Ahhh! O’HARE What? Henry MUMBLES and retrieves the glasses and is still covering his face with the tray. HENRY Sorry, Sir. The bathroom is in the back if you want to dry off. KIRK Hey, I know you. Aren’t you Shawn’s Dad? Yeah, you’re Mr. Spencer. Henry looks surprised. O’HARE Mr. Spencer! KIRK Aren’t you a retired cop? Why are you working here as a bus boy?
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HENRY Ah... well, the price of gas is really high and inflation is tough... you know... KIRK (embarrassed) OK, I see. Well I’m going to the bathroom. Excuse me. Kirk leaves. Shawn and Gus charge in and sit opposite O’Hare. SHAWN (to Henry) Good work Inspector Clouseau. HENRY You can do your own undercover work next time, Shawn! O’HARE I should have known you were lurking around. GUS I don’t lurk... SHAWN Jules, there is no time to explain but I have psychically seen the killer go to the expedition warehouse tonight. I need you and Lassie to stake it out from the inside with a video camera. O’HARE What are you talking about? I’m in the middle of dinner with Kirk... SHAWN Kirk can’t know about this. Remember, you need to be able to film the equipment. Hurry, you might be too late already! Shawn pulls her out of her chair and ushers her out of the restaurant. They all exit. Kirk returns from the bathroom and looks confused. KIRK Touche’ Shawn. And I thought you had forgotten about Stephanie.
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INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT O’Hare and Lassiter enter the warehouse and turn on the light. LASSITER (sees the cockroaches) Ahhhhh! (beat) Who was your anonymous tip? O’Hare looks at him sheepishly. LASSITER (CONT’D) Spencer! Did he psychically tell you about the ten million cockroaches? O’HARE Man up Lassie! INT. RESEARCH VESSEL – DAY Shawn, Gus, Henry, Edwin, Kirk and Deckhand #2 are on the stern. EDWIN I thought the police wanted us to stay off the ship? SHAWN Mr., Dr., Sir...Knight, I am a valued consultant for the Santa Barbara police department and they encourage my initiative. HENRY OK Mr. Initiative, what are we doing here? SHAWN Alfred and I... GUS Batman! SHAWN ...did some research and there are no recorded sinkings involving treasure anywhere near here. EDWIN So what does that mean?
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SHAWN It means we go down looking for non treasure. HENRY That doesn’t make any sense at all. SHAWN Sense is for amateurs. No Dad, my psychic fish are telling me to come down. GUS Shawn, I’m not going down there! I can’t take the deep. SHAWN That’s what Henry is for and Edwin. You can’t pass up an opportunity to go on a dive with Sir Edwin. GUS I’m going to be famous. Gusteau in the deep. SHAWN Everybody wants to work with Edwin. KIRK Especially the women. They are always his research assistants. DECKHAND #2 Not this time. He can’t work with a woman accused of murder. SHAWN What’s the big deal about being his assistant anyway? KIRK Are you kidding, Shawn? It can launch a career. SHAWN Coincidence alarms going off again. Come on Gus, we gotta get down there. Watch our backs, Kirk. KIRK Will do. Got a good night sleep last night since my date left early. Wouldn’t know anything about that would you Shawn?
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SHAWN Maybe she went to hang out with Stephanie! EXT. RESEARCH VESSEL – DAY (LATER) Gus, Henry and Edwin are in the submersible. Gus’s face is pressed to the porthole. He is silently screaming. Shawn is in the Mark V diving suit and enters the water. INT. OCEAN – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Shawn and the submersible lower to the ocean floor. Gus is still screaming. SHAWN Comm. check. Breaker breaker, this is the Bandit. Smoky keep an eye out for Buford T. Jaws. GUS (O.S.) AHHHHHH! SHAWN Come on Gus, you are killing my Smoky and the Bandit buzz. HENRY (O.S.) Shawn! I can’t hear anymore! SHAWN I love that they are having so much fun. Shawn reaches the bottom and starts searching. EDWIN (O.S.) We’re not going to find gold down here. SHAWN No, we are not. Maybe the bends and a horrifying death, but no gold. INT. SUBMERSIBLE – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Henry, Edwin and Gus are cramped in the submersible. Gus is still SCREAMING. EDWIN Somebody open the hatch! Drowning is our only release.
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HENRY Gus, get off the ground and stop screaming. Gus is curled up on the ground. GUS Thousands of pounds of pressure per square inch! We’re gonna crumple in like a cheap coke can. INT. OCEAN – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Shawn walks the ocean floor. SHAWN (trips) What was that? (picks up a rock hammer with a blue stripe) Eureka! Time to go topside. Only STATIC is heard. SHAWN (CONT’D) (taps his helmet) Anybody out there? INT. SUBMERSIBLE – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Edwin and Henry look out the portholes. Gus is still on the ground. EDWIN Wow! Big great white! Haven’t seen one of those in a while. Gus springs off the ground and looks out the porthole. GUS That’s it! Haven’t seen one of those in a while? You see a monster shark and that’s all you got? Gus sees the shark head to Shawn. HENRY Don’t worry Gus, sharks are common around here. Shawn will be fine. GUS Over sixty people a year get attacked by sharks. That is no small number Henry.
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EDWIN Yes, he has a one in one hundred and eleven million chance of being attacked. GUS The way I see it he has a one in one chance right now. (uses the microphone) Shawn, shark! Only static is heard. GUS (CONT’D) What’s wrong with this? The shark gets closer to Shawn. GUS (CONT’D) Paper! I need paper! INT. OCEAN – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Shawn studies the rock hammer. The shark is near and to Shawn’s left. The submersible moves in front of Shawn and Gus is seen through the porthole waving franticly and pointing to a piece of paper in his hand. He jams the paper up against the glass. SHAWN What is the deal with Guster? Shawn looks close at the piece of paper that reads: “SHARK ON YOUR PORT!!!” SHAWN (CONT’D) Damn you port! INT. RESEARCH VESSEL – DAY Edwin and Henry exit the submersible and Shawn gets out of his diving suit. Gus stumbles out of the submersible on his hands and knees and kisses the deck. SHAWN Port! Jaws is after me and you stick to port! Really? Why do you hate on left?
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GUS (standing) If we were in the jungle and Shere Khan was chasing you, I would have used left. In the ocean, you get port. Now get me back to land! SHAWN Impressive Jungle Book reference. GUS I thought you would like it. O’Hare, Lassiter and the Chief walk over. Lassiter’s eye patch is now black and he has a brown walking cast on his right leg. CHIEF Yes Mr. Guster we should get you back to dry land and you too Mr. Spencer! LASSITER Didn’t we tell you to heave ho and keep away from the crime scene? SHAWN Aye matey you did. So how did you get your peg leg sailor? O’HARE He sprained his ankle running like a girl from the cockroaches. GUS Lassiter, wasn’t your eye patch white yesterday? LASSITER I hurt my ankle on surveillance, performing my duty! SHAWN Did you get some footage? O’HARE/LASSITER Yes. Lassiter hobbles to the debris table and examines some of the tools. CHIEF Now Mr. Spencer, you have some explaining to do and I...
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Shawn grabs his head and spins to his diving gear. SHAWN The spirit fish, they’re directing me. (retrieves the hammer with blue stripe) It will guide us. It will divine us to the killer! Shawn eagerly brings the hammer to his forehead, hitting it. GUS (winces) Ouch! Divining looks painful. KIRK Can you divine away from me? SHAWN (rubbing his forehead) I will divine like this! (holds the hammer out in front) O’HARE Shawn... SHAWN Divining! We need to get to land so I can divine! CHIEF Lassiter! Lassiter spins holding a grappling hook in one hand (still has the black eye patch and brown walking cast). He hits the debris table and the corner moves up. Shawn sees the corner leg base move up even though it has a bolt head on the base of the leg. LASSITER Aye Chief. Everyone stares at him. SHAWN Captain Hook, good of you to join us. Lassiter looks confused. O’HARE I’m Peter Pan.
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GUS I’m Tinkerbell? KIRK Shocking! Everyone stares at Gus. GUS What? I couldn’t think of any other characters. It’s been a hard day! CHIEF Enough! Lassiter, get everyone on the launch. ACT III INT. LAUNCH – DAY Shawn is at the front of the boat that is speeding to shore. Henry, Edwin, O’Hare, Gus, Kirk, Chief, and Lassiter are spread about. Shaun makes loud SQUEAKING noises. O’HARE (to Gus) What's he doing now? GUS Calling for Flipper. HENRY Shawn, I let you watch too much TV. I’m sorry for that. The boat slows to dock. SHAWN (holding the hammer in front) It’s pulling me ashore. Shawn jumps to the dock before the boat docks. SHAWN (CONT’D) Must hurry! Shawn zigzags his way up the dock to the parking lot holding the hammer in front of him.
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HENRY Thirty years of police work and it comes down to this! Chief, Lassiter, O’Hare, Gus, Kirk, Henry and Edwin all jump onto the dock and follow. Shawn jumps on the hood of Gus’s car. GUS Hey! Don’t divine on my car so hard! Gus and Shawn enter Gus’ car. The Chief gets in her car. Lassiter and O’Hare get in their car. Edwin gets in his car with Kirk and Henry gets in his car. All five cars pull out of the parking lot and then a police car with sirens pulls in behind and they travel through the city streets in one long slow caravan. INT. GUS’S CAR – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Gus is driving and Shawn is in the passenger seat hanging out the window with the hammer pointing forward. GUS Shawn, where are we going? And put the hammer away before you lose it. SHAWN Nein! I need it to divine. Make a left here! Gus makes a left. SHAWN (CONT’D) Stop! Gus stops and all five cars behind him stop. The last two cars are in the intersection holding up traffic. The patrol car still has its lights on. Shawn gets out and runs in the building. Everyone looks confused and start to get out of their cars when Shawn comes running out of the building with the hammer pointing forward in one hand and two ice cream cones in his other hand. He returns to Gus’s car and hands Gus an ice cream cone. GUS Bubblegum Shawn! You know chocolate brownie crunch is my favorite!
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SHAWN (turns to him with chocolate smeared on his face) What? Really? I must have forgot. Gus continues to drive. INT. LASSITER’S CAR – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Lassiter is driving. LASSITER Spencer crossed a line O’Hare. Using police resources to buy ice cream is too much. O’HARE I agree! There was a non-fat yogurt store across the street. EXT. SANTA BARBARA STREETS – DAY (CONTINUOUS) All six cars snake there way through the city. Shawn points the way with the hammer and the police car in the rear follows with its lights flashing. They enter the UCSB campus and park. EXT. UCSB PARKING LOT – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Shawn and Gus exit their car. Shawn walks up to Lassiter’s car and knocks on his window. Shawn is still wiping chocolate off his face. SHAWN Lassie, do you have any water? I’m parched. Do you ever get that way after eating ice cream? I do. I’m a little sticky too. Lassiter exits the car and heads towards Shawn menacingly. O’Hare intercepts. O’HARE (to Lassiter) Detective! Let’s go catch a murderer. Chief, Henry, Edwin, Kirk and POLICE OFFICER join Shawn, Gus, Lassiter and O’Hare. HENRY What are we doing here Shawn?
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CHIEF Mr. Spencer, enough fooling around... SHAWN It’s starting again! Shawn stumbles forward with the hammer out front. He runs. SHAWN (CONT’D) We're close! The divining is... done! Shawn stops at the entrance of a building with a sign outside that reads: "Marine Biology." INT. CLASSROOM – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Shawn bursts in an auditorium style classroom. Edwin, Kirk, Gus, Chief, Lassiter, O’Hare, Henry and the Police Officer enter and spread out. Richard is lecturing at the front of the class. RICHARD Excuse me... I’m in the middle of a lecture here... what is going on? SHAWN I’m sorry professor, but there has been a change to the syllabi. GUS (nudges Shawn) Syllabi’s. SHAWN What? I’m only changing one class so it should be singular – syllabi. GUS Syllabi’s is singular and syllabi is plural. SHAWN That makes no sense. College kills me. RICHARD I need to administer a quiz! CHIEF Mr. Spencer!
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SHAWN OK then, there has been a change to the syllabi’s – this is now Murder 101! And you professor are the murderer! The classroom GASPS. Henry roles his eyes. KIRK This is so much more fun than being a deckhand. RICHARD This is ridiculous. SHAWN I can see it now! Shawn hits himself with the hammer again. SHAWN (CONT’D) (hands the hammer to Gus) For the love of everything holy please keep this away from me! I beg you. RICHARD This is crazy... SHAWN Crazy like a fox! RICHARD Why would I hurt Steven? SHAWN Ambition is an alluring lover Richard. A fellowship with Edwin... GUS Shawn, he likes to be called Sir or Dr. SHAWN As I was saying, a fellowship with Dr. Sir is very lucrative and can make a career. It can set you up for life. You were competing for the coveted position with Steven and Alex and I see... a wall with pictures of Edwin with women.
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INT. ALEX/RICHARD’S OFFICE – DAY (FLASHBACK) Pictures hang on the wall over Richard’s desk of Edwin with all women assistants. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY (END-FLASHBACK) Shawn continues summation. SHAWN You knew Edwin only chose women assistants and it wouldn’t do any good to kill Alex because you would still have to compete with Steven. No, it was much more cunning to kill Steven and frame Alex. But how? GUS Weren’t you his diving buddy? RICHARD Yes, I was. I ran out of air and had to come up. And yes I feel awful about not being there to save Steven. I will have to live with that the rest of my life. SHAWN Please, spare me your crocodile tears. You made a mistake when you didn’t clear your tank on the way up and you knew it. So you went back to the warehouse where your dive gear was and cleared the remaining air from your blue stripe tank. RICHARD That’s crazy... SHAWN I see you in the warehouse clearing the tanks! INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Richard walks into the warehouse and looks around. He sees the air tanks and clears the air. Lassiter and O’Hare are hiding and film him. They look surprised. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY (END FLASHBACK) Shawn continues summation.
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RICHARD You can’t prove that! SHAWN Lassie. LASSITER (holding a video cassette) You are very photogenic Doctor. On a tip we staked out the warehouse and filmed you clearing the tank. RICHARD All good divers clear their... SHAWN (stumbling) I’m getting light headed, I need air! I can see it now. I know how you killed Steven! INT. RESEARCH VESSEL – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Richard boards the research vessel and heads to the debris table. SHAWN (O.S.) You had access to the research vessel so all you had to do was board late one night and then cut the bolt holding the corner leg of the debris table to the deck. Richard uses a small electric saw to cut the bolt. SHAWN (O.S.) (CONT’D) Then you super glued the bolt head back on the table leg foot so no one would notice. Although you could have used Crazy Glue. Was it Super Glue or Crazy Glue that the guy used to glue his hardhat to the steel beam? You know, he was suspended by it. CHIEF (O.S.) Mr. Spencer! SHAWN (O.S) Forget it. You used Liquid Nails. Richard glues the bolt head on.
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SHAWN (O.S.) (CONT’D) The day of the dive you radioed up that you were short on air and then came topside. Steven was due up in twenty minutes so no one thought to send down a second diver. You casually disconnected the radio receiver and then slipped the air line under the table leg with the cut bolt. INT. RESEARCH VESSEL – DAY (FLASHBACK) Richard disconnects the radio receiver and slips the airline under the corner table leg. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY (END FLASHBACK) Shawn and Gus continue summation. GUS You knew that Steven’s air would be restricted and that his own carbon dioxide would make him pass out and eventually die. SHAWN Dude! Summation stealer! RICHARD All of this could have been done by Alex, she was the treasure hunter. SHAWN Ah yes, the gold doubloon! You are correct, Alex did collect doubloons, in fact, the doubloon that you found on Steven was in fact Alex’s! GUS Shawn, you used "in fact" twice and "doubloon" three times. You can do better than that. CHIEF What are you talking about Mr. Spencer? SHAWN Doubloons on a wall!
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INT. ALEX/RICHARD’S OFFICE – DAY (FLASHBACK) The hanging display case has dozens of doubloons. They all have tiny half-moon impressions next to them. SHAWN (O.S.) Richard needed a motive and nothing beats treasure! Aye. Alex had ample treasure lying about and all he had to do was take one of her doubloons from the hanging display case and move all the others slightly to cover up the theft. Richard in the office stealing the coin. SHAWN (O.S.) (CONT’D) But it would be easily identified as Alex’s so he took his rock hammer with the blue stripe and destroyed the markings. Richard is at his desk beating the doubloon. SHAWN (O.S.) (CONT’D) And it was you Richard who discovered the doubloon. You had it on you the whole time and with a quick slight of hand produced it when you checked Steven’s pulse. INT. RESEARCH VESSEL – DAY (FLASHBACK) Richard on the research vessel checking Steven’s pulse and producing the doubloon from his shoe. SHAWN (O.S.) Then, when Gus identified us as psychic detectives with the police department you panicked and dropped your rock hammer in the ocean when no one was looking. Richard casually walking to the side of the deck and drops the rock hammer in the ocean. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY (END FLASHBACK) Shawn and Gus continue summation. SHAWN (pointing to hammer in Gus’s hand) And this is that hammer!
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Gus goes to hand Shawn the hammer. SHAWN (CONT’D) Keep it away from me! (beat) Then, all you had to do was wait. Wait for Alex to get arrested. You didn’t care if she was convicted, all you needed was the arrest. You knew Knight, Sir, Dr. couldn’t select her with the dark cloud of murder following her. KIRK Dark cloud of murder... I like that. GUS He stole that from me. RICHARD How did you find... SHAWN I dove for it. I too can find treasure. Richard makes a dash for the exit. He runs right by Shawn and Gus who trip over themselves to get out of his way. Lassiter and the Police Officer tackle him. Lassiter hurts his wrist. CHIEF Nice work Mr. Spencer. As usual. A STUDENT walks up to Shawn. Everyone is crowded around. STUDENT Dude! That was sweet! It was the best thing I’ve ever seen! SHAWN (chest out) Well, modesty aside, I am the most gifted psychic detective... STUDENT Whatever, I was going to get crushed on the quiz and I’m already failing his class! You saved me! Will he be away for a while? O’HARE Twenty to life.
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STUDENT Awesome! (beat) Hey, I’m getting killed in my two o’clock Calculus class, can you come by and arrest my professor there as well? O’HARE No! Shawn is deflated and embarrassed. GUS Come on Shawn. Let’s go see if there is someone else’s college career you can save. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY Shawn, Gus, Lassiter, O’Hare, Kirk and Alex stand by Lassiter’s desk. Lassiter has a soft cast on his wrist. SHAWN (to Lassiter) Well Captain Bligh, are you going to take some time-off to heal up. LASSITER (nursing his wrist) No Mr. Spencer, I have my duty to perform. O’HARE Stop trying to impress Alex, Carlton. You’re not her type. I think she likes psychics. ALEX I only like psychics that clear me of murder. I can’t thank you enough Shawn. SHAWN But that isn’t true. You can start thanking me with Thai food for dinner and maybe an omelet for dessert? ALEX Nice try Shawn, but I have to pack. I’m leaving with Edwin in the morning for Bora Bora.
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Alex hugs Shawn and leaves. O’HARE Well Kirk, do you want to finish that dinner? KIRK Sorry Juliet. I am on the same project as Alex. He hugs her lightly. KIRK (CONT’D) Shawn, it was great seeing you again and maybe when I get back in town we can hang out? SHAWN Sorry Kirk, I already have my Robin. GUS I knew it! I’m Batman Shawn! Batman! Kirk leaves. KIRK Wait up Alex! SHAWN I some how think Kirk will keep himself busy on the trip. (beat) Interested in my offer Jules? O’HARE Forget it! GUS Come on Shawn, you know Thai doesn’t sit well with me, but you can take me to La Superica. You know that was Julia Child’s favorite Mexican restaurant. I’ve always wanted to eat at her favorite restaurant. SHAWN Sadly, I know.
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INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) YOUNG LASSITER sits in the middle of his bedroom building a model ship. His room is filled with model ships. Lassiter’s MOTHER walks in. MOTHER Carlton, I don’t understand why you keep building all those ships? You know you get seasick in the bathtub. (she hands him a box) I think you need to stay on dry land. Young Lassiter looks at the model box that has a police car on the cover. YOUNG LASSITER Aye, maybe being a detective would be better than a pirate. Yo ho. FADE OUT.