Family Photos by John Benjamin Franklin III
John Franklin 28101 Camellia Laguna Niguel, (949) 916-8037 (949) 322-5294
CT CA 92677 office mobile
FADE IN: EXT. LAS VEGAS – NIGHT A commercial airliner banks over the Las Vegas skyline. Below, the strip glows as the Luxor light-beam streaks into the night. A Volkswagen Westfalia van swerves in and out of traffic cutting-off several cars on the strip. HORNS blare and drivers YELL. The Westfalia emblem, on the back left corner of the roof, has been replaced by Wefückya (pronounced WeFoock-Ya). The back window is covered by a giant Journey band emblem and there is a bumper sticker that reads: “If the van is rocking...well you know the rest.” INT. VAN – NIGHT WILL DUESENBERG, kind and oafish similar to a Will Ferrell character, recklessly drives the van while simultaneously writing on a large poster board with a giant black marker. The poster board covers most of the windshield and he is oblivious to the HONKS and YELLS coming from the irate drivers. EXT. McCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – NIGHT Will sprints across the parking lot into the terminal hitting several people in the head with the poster board. INT. McCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT Will is short of breath and paces among a small group of people outside airport security. He waits for his daughter LEX and son TREVOR while holding the poster with "DAD" written on it. BYSTANDER (points to Will’s sign) Must’ve been tough... going through life not knowing your Dad? WILL (breathing heavily) Yeah... it was. How did... ? BYSTANDER The sign. WILL Oh. No. This isn’t for my Dad. It’s for my kids.
BYSTANDER Oh! Damn. That’s gotta be really hard meeting your kids for the first time... WILL What? No. They stay with me every summer. BYSTANDER (agitated) Then what’s with the sign? Will looks puzzled and then embarrassed as understanding dawns. He noisily jams the sign into a nearby trash can and then casually walks away. The bystanders watch nervously. Will dumps the giant marker into another trash can. LEX Dad! Lex and Trevor walk through security. Lex runs to Will and hugs him. Lex, twelve, is tall and thin with red hair. Trevor, ten with sandy blonde hair, jaunts to Will not offering a hug. TREVOR (dryly) What, no "DAD" sign this year? How’re we supposed to recognize you? Will and the Bystander exchange looks. WILL Come here, give me a hug. (hugs Trevor who stands rigid) How was the flight? LEX Little bumpy. WILL (quickly) More people die every year from donkeys than airplanes. (beat) Uh... I mean, nothing to worry about Sweetie. TREVOR Still throwing-up your trivia Tourettes?
WILL Uh... LEX Dad doesn’t have Tourettes! TREVOR Whatever. LEX Don’t worry Dad. You don’t need your little trivia tidbits. Relax, we’ll have a great summer. WILL So, what do you want to do while you’re here? Maybe Hoover Dam again? LEX I don’t know... WILL (quickly) Hoover Dam was built to last two thousand years and the cement won’t be dry for another five hundred years. TREVOR Really Dad? How do you come up with so much dam trivia? LEX Hey! TREVOR (everyone nearby stares) No, I mean trivia about the dam! You’re always talking about the dam walls, the dam electricity, and the dam water. You even talk about the dam asses that built the dam. Damn! LEX Wait a minute... that last dam wasn’t about the dam! Trevor shrugs innocently. WILL (slumps) They were donkeys... not asses.
TREVOR Yes, we know... the killer donkeys that build dams. They’re almost like super hero villains. The kids walk away and the Bystander walks over with the crumpled "Dad" poster. BYSTANDER It’s not too late, you can find some new kids. I mean, the airport is full of ‘em. The kids stop and wait for Will. TREVOR Take my word for it. He’ll never mention Hoover Dam again. Guaranteed! LEX National Lampoons is not a good influence on you. TREVOR I know, isn't it great! INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Will and the kids walk to Will’s van. TREVOR You still have the We-Fuck-Ya! WILL Wefückya son! It’s German or Austrian or something. There’s an accent thingy on the u that makes it sound like ooow... TREVOR Right. You didn’t join one of those lame van clubs did you? WILL No way! Anyway, Wefückya clubs are hard to find and the Westfalia clubs around here are full of van bigits and Nazis. INT. VAN (MOVING) – NIGHT The van drives past the bright casinos along the Strip. SERIES OF SHOTS:
A) MGM GRAND B) VENETIAN C) NEWYORK NEWYORK D) CAESARS PALACE Will sits cramped in the driver’s seat. The van is littered with trash and junk and a JOURNEY SONG hums softly in the background. LEX So why aren’t we going to your apartment? WILL We’re gonna celebrate you kids being here. We’ll grab dinner and do some window shopping. They’ve got these cool statues that talk and move. TREVOR (dryly) Yea, robots. WILL (quickly) Robots pay union dues in Japan. INT. CAESARS FORUM SHOPS – NIGHT Will and the kids leave the food court and stroll through the shops staring at the sky-painted ceiling and expensive shops. TREVOR Hey, there’s Starbucks. Let’s get a jumbo Frappuccino. WILL It’s Venti, not jumbo and you’re too young for coffee. LEX Oh yeah, you used to work at Starbucks. Wasn’t that the one you worked at? Will stares at the Starbucks, almost in fear. INT. STARBUCKS – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) A beautiful WOMAN slinks to the cash register and a line forms behind her. Will is the barista on duty.
WILL What can I get you today? WOMAN (smiles shyly) I don’t know... big guy, what do you think will keep me cool on this man-hot night? WILL (quickly) Coffee has over one hundred chemicals in it! The Woman stares at him and her smile disappears. MAN IN LINE Can you hurry up? My chemicals are getting cold. The MANAGER storms over. MANAGER That’s it! I can’t take anymore. Punch out Will; you’re fired. I want you out now. Come to think of it, never come back to any Starbucks again! Will slowly un-ties his apron with his head down. INT. CAESARS FORUM SHOPS – NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT) Will and the kids stand outside the Starbucks. WILL Yeah Sweetie, I worked there for a while, the manager was a real stickler for... TREVOR Normal? LEX (to Trevor) Hey! (to Will) Forget the coffee let’s go to that gallery. I love photography. WILL Oh, OK. I didn’t know you liked pictures.
TREVOR Yeah, she’s a regular Ansel Adams. WILL Who? INT. GALLERY – CONTINUOUS Lex marches them to the gallery. It is a high-end gallery with dramatic desert landscapes. GRETCHEN KLINK is the curator and she is a tall, muscular Austrian with a thick accent. SKYLER, Christopher Walken type, is an eccentric photographer and he hovers nearby talking with other patrons while gesturing with his hands in an animated way. LEX Oh Daddy, aren’t the photos gorgeous? So much color. Lex looks at a photo of a sunset with vibrant colors. WILL Yeah, I guess. You know, I used to dabble with colors like these. TREVOR This is retarded. Can we go to the race car museum now? LEX You painted? INT. BATHROOM – DAY (FLASHBACK) SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL IS DRESSED IN PAINTER’S OVERALLS AND PROUDLY PRESENTS A BATHROOM PAINTED IN OBNOXIOUSLY BRIGHT RED TO AN OLD WOMAN. THE OLD WOMAN LOOKS DEPRESSED AND UTTERS, "WHITE. I JUST WANTED WHITE. YOU’RE FIRED." B) WILL IS DRESSED IN PAINTER’S OVERALLS AND PROUDLY PRESENTS A BATHROOM PAINTED IN FLUORESCENT YELLOW TO A YOUNG COUPLE. THE YOUNG COUPLE LOOKS DEPRESSED AND SIMULTANEOUSLY UTTERS, "WE SAID WHITE. YOU’RE FIRED." C) WILL IS DRESSED IN PAINTER’S OVERALLS AND PROUDLY PRESENTS A BATHROOM PAINTED IN PUKE ORANGE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOOKS DEPRESSED AND UTTERS, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST WHITE? YOU’RE FIRED. AND LOVE CHARIOT, WE NEED TO BREAK-UP." WILL SLUMPS. INT. GALLERY – CONTINUOUS (END FLASHBACK) Will and the kids stand in the gallery.
WILL It’s hard to get color right! Or keep a woman. TREVOR What? LEX Well these photos are amazing! The colors are perfect... they’re so bright! Gretchen goosesteps over. GRETCHEN (heavy Austrian accent) Ja, young lady, can I assist you? LEX Oh, just admiring the pictures. There’s so much color. Truly amazing! I don’t think I could get that much color out of PhotoShop. Gretchen spits death with her eyes. GRETCHEN PhotoShop! Nein! Young lady, this is no Kinkos! This is Ph-Art! (pronounced Fart because of accent) WILL/TREVOR Fart? GRETCHEN Nein! Ph-Art! (sees they don’t understand) Photo... Art. Skyler’s photo art. He is the greatest living artist today! And my young lady, they are not pictures, they are Ph-Art. Come, let me show you. INT. SHOWROOM EXHIBIT – CONTINUOUS Gretchen leads them to a spartan room with a leather couch and a large photograph. GRETCHEN Please, take a seat. Will and the kids relax on the couch. Gretchen lowers the lights enveloping them in darkness.
She slowly increases one light that shines brightly on the photo. The photo is of a cave and the shot is from inside the cave looking out. The top of the cave is blood red, the sky is a twilight blue and the floor is a light sand. The red is striking, it jumps off the paper. LEX How does he do it? GRETCHEN It is a work of love. He’s mastered an antique wood box camera with large, spacious negatives filled with rich luminous polymer. Hours of exposure later he births these Ph-Arts. TREVOR I’m about to birth a fart... Will jabs Trevor and then looks at Lex and is struck by her passion. WILL How much is the picture? GRETCHEN It is so hard to put a price on your love. But he did, this Ph-Art is twenty-four thousand dollars. WILL (quickly) Van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime! (beat) OK kids, time to scoot. Will and the kids leave the small exhibit room. Lex is still entranced by the art and on the way out Will notices a book of the photographs. WILL (CONT’D) (to Gretchen) How much is this book? Gretchen picks it up and hands it to him. GRETCHEN That is a marvelous collection. It is of all his Southwest National Park Ph-Arts. You know, Death Valley, Grand Canyon, Zion, Bryce. (MORE)
10. GRETCHEN (CONT'D) Absolutely beautiful! And it is only one hundred dollars.
Lex looks hopeful. Trevor rolls his eyes. WILL Ouch, a hundred bucks huh. OK, we’ll take it. INT. CAESARS FORUM SHOPS – MOMENTS LATER Will and the kids leave and stand in front of the gallery and look at the book. Behind and above them is the gallery name: "Skyler Ph-Art Gallery." Lex is enthralled by the book and Will notices. He looks past the kids at another family as they walk hand-inhand. They are smiling and the kids look adoringly at the parents. WILL (looks at his kids) That’s it! TREVOR What? Trevor and Lex stare at Will. WILL (looks longingly at the passing family) That’s what we’re gonna do this summer. LEX What? WILL We’re gonna copy this book and make it our own. Make a summer road trip out of it and hit the national parks and re-create the pictures. (under his breath) And be a family again. Lex is excited. Trevor is bored. TREVOR Come on dude. You’re building a base-camp on Mt. Delusional! We can’t take those shots...
WILL What? Why not? If Skyler did it with a wood box then we can do it too. LEX Actually Dad, it takes years of training and thousands of dollars in equipment to take these types of photos. TREVOR Not to mention something called talent, which I’m pretty sure we don’t have. WILL We’ll make do. I have faith... in us. EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP – NIGHT Will and the kids trek down the crowded Strip that is lined with people in work vests SNAPPING small cards of strippers and call girls like they were baseball trading cards. Trevor trails Will and Lex collecting a large stack of cards with a wide mischievous grin. They stop at a bright camera shop that opens to the Strip. Will suddenly notices Trevor’s bulging stack of cards. WILL Give me those! TREVOR Come on Dad! LEX Dad, I know a lot about cameras and... WILL Don’t worry Sweetie; I’ll take care of this. You two hang back so he doesn’t think we’re too eager to buy. INT. CAMERA SHOP – CONTINUOUS Will enters the cheesy store and clearly looks like a deer in head lights. He’s clasping Trevor’s large stack of cards when the MANAGER approaches. MANAGER (eyes the cards) Hello. Can I help you?
WILL Yes. Iâ€™m looking for a camera. MANAGER Thirty-five millimeter, digital, SLR, multifunction, video? WILL Uh. I want to take pretty... no, special pictures. The Manager glances at the cards again and smiles and takes three cameras from the display case. MANAGER Yes, I see. Here, we have three topend Digital SLR cameras. This is the Canon EOS twelve-point-eight Mega Pixel. It has a CMOS image sensor, EF twenty four to hundred and five millimeter f/four l IS USM lens, two-point-five color TFT-LCD monitor, Digital II processor and a polycarbonate stainless-steel body. Will stares at him blankly. MANAGER (CONTâ€™D) It takes really good nudes. WILL (confused) What? MANAGER And this is the Nikon D80 Digital SLR with fifty-five to two hundred millimeter lens... WILL How much... for the first one? MANAGER Ah. That is an excellent camera. It is only thirty-five hundred dollars, but I could probably let it go for thirty-one hundred, if you are ready to buy it? WILL Do you have anything... less complicated? Simpler? The Manager turns and collects a small flat camera off of the back shelf and hands it to Will.
WILL (CONT’D) Great. This looks easy. MANAGER Yes. This is the Sony six mega pixel with a optical/two-x digital (Will stares) Point and shoot. That
Cyber Shot three-x zoom... is all.
WILL Terrific. And how... complicated is it? MANAGER Six hundred dollars. I’ll take Five hundred if you buy it now and leave. WILL Hmm. Do you have anything less... MANAGER How much? Will puts Trevor’s cards on the display case, naked women face up and a couple cards slide off the stack onto the counter. He looks in his wallet. WILL All I got is forty five bucks. Can you help me out? Please. I want to do this with my kids. (quietly) It means a lot to them... to me. MANAGER (under his breath) Damn Vegas freaks. (to Will) And will your pictures be the same type? WILL Oh no, some will include rocks, a tree and maybe a donkey or two. I’m playing it by ear. One thing’s for sure, there will be a bunch. MANAGER Disgusting. Will looks confused.
MANAGER (CONT’D) Well, you could buy a thirty-five millimeter film camera, but your film and development costs will be very high. You know, I do have a Polaroid 600 I can sell you for twenty bucks. It’s a display camera that is a little quirky, but I’ll throw in two four-packs of film. I’ll do the whole package for fortyfive bucks. This will give you one hundred photos and you won’t have to develop them in a store. WILL Cool! That is exactly what I need. MANAGER Yes, I thought it was. The Manager packs the camera and film. The kids walk from the back of the store to see what he has bought. MANAGER (CONT’D) Sir... (picks up Trevor’s cards) Do you want me to put these in the bag with the camera? Will shuffles his feet. WILL Oh. Those aren’t mine. They’re my son’s. MANAGER I’m sorry, since I saw you enter the store with them and then place them on the counter I thought, silly me, that they were yours and that this is what you needed the camera for. WILL (pulls out Skyler’s book and points to the cover) No! I want to take a picture like this! MANAGER Are you crazy? It’ll take 10K in equipment and a lifetime of training to take that picture. Not to mention something called talent.
TREVOR I told you! INT. VAN (MOVING) - NIGHT Will and the kids drive through the back streets of Las Vegas. Young partygoers and bums mingle about and a JOURNEY song plays in the background. They stop at Will’s apartment complex. LEX You haven’t moved? WILL Nope. Been here a while. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT/CONTINUOUS Will and the kids exit the van, bags in hand, and walk along a pathway heading to his apartment. The apartment next door to Will’s has a pair of long black go-go boots hanging over the patio rail. LEX Crazy boots! WILL Yeah... lots of colorful people around here. She’s a dancer or something. My buddy calls her a nonstop joy ride -- whatever that means. We hang out at the Jacuzzi some times. TREVOR (looks impressed) Slick. INT. WILL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Will’s apartment is a one-bedroom filled with mostly futons and dirty clothes. There are paint cans and stained tarps littering the floor. WILL OK kids, let’s get you set up in my room. TREVOR (points to the paint) Redecorating? WILL No, I’m moving soon and need to clean up to get my deposit back.
Will and the kids enter the bedroom. It is empty except for a queen bed and night stand. They sit on the bed. WILL (CONT’D) I emptied it out for you guys. I’ll sleep on the futon in the living room. LEX Thanks Dad, but we can sleep... WILL Forget it! I’m happy to clear out. TREVOR What’s the schedule for tomorrow Columbus? What’s the scoop on the trip. WILL Let’s figure that out. Will goes in the other room and grabs the bags and returns. He pulls out the Skyler book and flips through it. WILL (CONT’D) Well, looks like the first pictures are of Death Valley. Then he goes on to the Grand Canyon, Zion and Bryce. LEX Look at these pictures. They’re truly amazing. The Death Valley pictures she focuses on are: pictographs of a person, a boulder and its trail at race track, a young girl running through a field of yellow flowers. LEX (CONT’D) I can’t wait to go. TREVOR Yea... rocks, flowers... WILL It’ll be an adventure son. You’ll see, us against the elements, braving the wild, surviving by our wits... TREVOR Keeping the We-Fuck-Ya from blowing up...
WILL Wefückya! TREVOR Right. WILL I’ve had the Wefückya for ten years and it runs like a champ. Why don’t you kids get ready for bed? We have an early morning. I’ll start getting ready and come back in a few minutes to tuck you in. Will leaves the room and the kids get ready for bed. TREVOR This blows day-old chunks! Two months with no TV, XBOX, pool, movies, nothing! Every summer it’s the same. LEX Relax. We’ll have a good time. At least we’ll have something interesting to say when we go back to school. TREVOR Whatever! I wonder what Mom will think of this? I think I’ll give her a call tomorrow and let her know about our whacked-out safari. I bet she’ll yank us out of here. LEX She wants us to spend time with Dad so no she won’t yank us out. Besides, she’s on her cruise with Ted, remember? TREVOR Ted. What a dillweed. At least he has a sweet ride. In the living room, Will packs the house and prepares for the trip. He packs next to the bedroom door and hears their conversation; he looks confused and then sad as the conversation continues. Lex and Trevor are heard from the living room.
LEX (O.S.) Come on Trevor, every year we have the same conversation. Let’s make the best of it. TREVOR (O.S.) Sure. I can’t wait to troop around the desert in the We-Fuck-Ya with my retarded Dad. What a waste of skin. I don’t understand how people all over Vegas can win loads of money and he can’t earn a dime. How is that for the best of it? Will sits deflated. LEX (O.S.) Hey, Dad is sweet and he loves you. Don’t forget that. And in case you care that means more than all the cool cars Ted has or your TV and XBOX that you miss so much. TREVOR (O.S.) It wouldn’t be so bad if Dad would just stop the constant trivia. I mean it’s so non cool and borderline tragic! Come on, aren’t you embarrassed? LEX (O.S.) Look, you’re too young to remember, but before the divorce, Dad never used to do that. I know the divorce was hard on us, but I think it was worse for him. He was so happy with Mom and us. That just went away and he hasn’t been the same since. Something just changed, but he never stopped loving us. Will stands and walks to the bedroom door. He COUGHS and then KNOCKS and opens the door with a smile. WILL OK kids. Time to hit the rack. We got a long day tomorrow. He gives both kids a long hug and kisses them on the forehead. WILL (CON’T) (CONT’D) (stares at them) I love you guys. Goodnight.
LEX/TREVOR Night. Love you too. Will exits the room and shuts the door. He continues packing and preparing for the trip. Later, Will rests on his futon couch and the apartment is empty. All the clothes and few personal effects are gone. The room is quiet and dark. WILL Will Duesenberg pathetic trivia of the day -- percentage of my kids who love me... fifty. Gotta fix that... have too... INT. BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING Will shakes the kids awake. The clock on the nightstand reads seven AM. WILL Rise and shine! The kids grumble and rise. WILL (CONT’D) OK, brush your teeth and get dressed. I’ll meet you out by the Wefückya. You got five minutes. Let’s hit it. INT. VAN (PARKED) – DAY Will waits in the van which is packed and neat. There is a black canvas roof pouch strapped to the front roof rack. The inside is orderly but filled with gear. Will sees the kids (through the windshield) walk out looking bewildered. They enter the side of the van. TREVOR What’s the hurry? Afraid the desert is going to leave? LEX Why is the apartment empty? Wow! The van looks great. A little full, but great. WILL (starts the engine) Buckle up. Will pulls out of the parking lot and gets on the road.
TREVOR So why is your apartment empty? And why are we leaving crazy early. WILL I figured this would be a good time to move since we’ll be on the road for a while anyway. TREVOR And seven AM? WILL Tradition! You always start a road trip early. The more it hurts the better the trip. TREVOR Hey, looks like one of your neighbors is coming home. You gonna say goodbye to your Jacuzzi girl? She looks tired, must’ve worked hard last night. WILL My buddy did say she took her job seriously. Will’s NEIGHBOR, wearing the black go-go boots, and a FRIEND walk down the path next to the van on their way to the apartment. They are dressed like strippers and look haggard. NEIGHBOR (pointing to Will) How many trivia nerds does it take to clear out a Jacuzzi? One! See ya, factoid. The Neighbor and her Friend laugh and continue walking. Trevor sinks in his seat. INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY (MOMENTS LATER) The van pulls out of the parking lot onto the highway. LEX Death Valley, here we come! WILL One quick stop Sweetie. TREVOR Where to? The JOURNEY song, Open Arms, suddenly becomes very loud.
WILL (yelling) We’re going to pick up some gear at Outdoor Universe. LEX (yelling) What! I can’t hear you. Lex sits on the back bench. TREVOR (yelling to Lex) Outdoor Universe! Gear! (yelling to Will) Why are you such a Journey freak? WILL (yelling) What? TREVOR (yelling) JOURNEY! FREAK! (points) The sticker on the back? WILL (yelling) Oh! Not me! The previous owner, he put it on. TREVOR (confused/yelling) Then how come every time we’re in the We-Fuck-Ya you’re playing Journey? WILL (yelling) Oh! The tape! It was the previous owner’s. TREVOR (perplexed/yelling) Why are you always playing it? WILL (yelling) It’s stuck! (turns the volume dial around to no effect) The volume is busted too. (MORE)
22. WILL (CONT'D) Goes up and down on its own. Been like this since I bought the van!
TREVOR Dude... that was ten years ago! Will looks directly at Trevor and dejectedly mouths “I know” as Journey blares in the background. EXT./INT. OUTDOOR UNIVERSE – DAY The van pulls into the empty parking lot and parks. Will moves to the back of the van and slides the table out. WILL (passes out donuts and drinks) OK guys, breakfast time. TREVOR So what are we doing here? Lex eats and puts the Polaroid camera together. Suddenly the camera takes a photo on its own, startling them. LEX I swear I didn’t take that picture! TREVOR What’s up with the possessed camera? WILL Well, the camera guy did say that it was a little quirky. TREVOR Great. OK, so why are we here? WILL Oh yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve camped and I figure we’ll need some gear. Sleeping bags for sure. OK, let’s have a look see. Will opens the map on the table. WILL (CONT’D) Alright, we’ll take the fifteen South and then head North on the one-sixty and then take the ninetyfive and enter Death Valley from the East. I believe the pictographs are in Titus Canyon. But I’m not exactly sure where... hmm.
Will reaches for the Skyler book and opens it finding the pictograph photo. WILL (CONT’D) Yeah, that’s right. They’re in Titus Canyon, but it doesn’t give us an exact location. The kids exchange worried looks. Will flips through the rest of book and looks at the other the photos. WILL (CONT’D) In fact, he doesn’t give you the exact location for any of the pictures. Just the parks they're in. I guess we’ll have to figure it out as we go. As for Death Valley looks like the rock picture is at a place called Race Track and the flower fields are around Stove Pipe. Will puts the book down and looks at the map. WILL (CONT’D) We can make a loop. Start with Titus and then hit Race Track and then go to Stove Pipe on the way out. Couple of days tops. Will looks up and Lex and Trevor are gone. Half eaten donuts and empty juice containers litter the table. He looks out the side door and Trevor is on a pay phone next to the store entrance while Lex sits on the curb. Will exits the van and Lex shoots a picture of him. WILL (CONT’D) Hey! I was planning the trip. You missed... forget it. Let’s go inside. Trevor hangs up the phone. TREVOR Hey Dad, Mom says "Hi." (to Lex) She said for us to have fun. Lex gives Trevor an "I told you so" smile. WILL (softly) How is your Mother?
LEX She’s fine Dad. Hey look at your picture. She hands him a slightly wet photo of him in mid-air, leaving the van. LEX (CONT’D) Color isn’t so good. You know Dad, I don’t think we can re-create those photos with this camera. WILL (barely looks at it) Looks fine to me Sweetie; we’ll be fine. Now let’s get some gear! INT. OUTDOOR UNIVERSE – CONTINUOUS The store is huge and filled with boats, ATVs, and two stories of camping, fishing and hunting gear. TREVOR Kick butt! This place rules! Will smiles. WILL I thought you’d like it. Will takes a shopping cart and they walk through the aisles. WILL (CONT’D) You kids got hats? LEX Yeah, we got baseball caps. Will picks up a beige bush hat and throws it in the cart. He also puts several dehydrated camping meals in the cart and then notices a pack of waterproof matches. He picks up the pack and reads: "Weatherproof Matches -- Guaranteed to Light Under Any Circumstance." He puts them in the cart. TREVOR Cool! Matches. WILL Stay away from those. Will and the kids continue to browse. The store fills up and a Journey song plays softly in the background.
WILL (CONT’D) Let’s find the sleeping bags. Hmm, they moved the bags on me since I worked here. TREVOR You worked here too? Will flags down a SALESMAN in the area. WILL Excuse me. We’re looking for sleeping bags. SALESMAN Sure. Right this way. The Salesman guides them to a wall of sleeping bags. He is average height with dark hair and is wearing a raccoon hat with a tail that drops to his shoulders. SALESMAN (CONT’D) What rating do you need? TREVOR Uh. Warm? SALESMAN Above or below freezing? LEX God! Not freezing. SALESMAN OK. Mummy or open? WILL How about cheap? I remember that being an option back in the day? SALESMAN OK. Here are two thirty plus degree open bags for your kids and unfortunately, because of your height, all I have is a mummy bag for you. The Salesman loads them into the shopping cart. A saleswoman named FERN runs over. She is stick thin, pale granola type with very long black armpit hair that pushes out through her tank top. FERN Will! Is that you?
WILL Fern? Fern hugs Will and then looks at the kids. FERN And these must be your kids. You have to be Lex. (strokes Lex’s long red hair) And you must be Trevor. Fern hugs Trevor close and plants his face directly into her hairy armpit. She let’s go and Trevor is wide-eyed with a look of horror. He picks a piece of armpit hair out of his mouth and GAGS. FERN (CONT’D) You know kids, before I split-up with your father, he would talk about you guys all the time. He is so proud of you two! SALESMAN Someone is looking for help at ATVs Fern. FERN Oh that’s me. Gotta go. Nice to finally meet you kids. She walks away and then stops and turns back. FERN (CONT’D) Hey Will, this is a little awkward, but you’re still banned from the boats. Don’t let Alex catch you over there or he’ll go Three Mile Island on you... total meltdown. Maybe even Chernobyl on scale. SALESMAN (to Will) You’re Boat Dude? LEX/TREVOR Boat Dude? FERN OK, gotta go. ALEX (O.S.) Boat DUDE!
Everyone looks around and Fern stops and squirms. Alex pushes his rotund and sweaty body through a rack of clothing. ALEX (CONT’D) Boat Dude... what are you doing here Doucheburg? WILL (quietly) Duesenberg. ALEX Whatever. Douchenburg, you know you're banned from the boats or anything with a motor for life, right? WILL Duesenberg. I paid for the engine. ALEX I know Doucheburgster. Just stay away. For that matter, stay away from my little love plant here too. Alex leans over and sloppily open mouth tongues Fern. LEX/TREVOR Eeeew! Alex smiles at Will and leaves with Fern hand in hand. TREVOR Jabba the Hut stole your girlfriend! WILL It's a long story. LEX What about the boat? Lex and Trevor stare at Will. WILL What? It’s not like Outdoor Universe offers world class marine training. The Navy isn’t running the boat department you know. Lex, Trevor and the Salesman continue to stare at him.
WILL (CONT’D) Oh, I suppose you all know that boats are water cooled and that their engines freeze when running out of water? TREVOR Uh, yes. WILL Well good, because I didn’t. SALESMAN OK, well that answers a lot of questions, like why all the keys are in a safe. Anything else for you today? Will looks deflated and the kids embarrassed. SALESMAN (CONT’D) (looks to Trevor) You know, we have a bow and arrow range if you want to try it sport? TREVOR Really! WILL I don’t know? They wouldn’t let me go near it when I worked here... TREVOR Come on Dad... SALESMAN It’s very safe, Will. I’m with you the whole time. WILL Well, OK. WILL (CONT’D) Sweet! LEX So how come Fern split up with you Dad? TREVOR Yea, how did Jabba the Hut bag Granola? Did you know granola is crusty on the outside and nutty on the inside?
LEX Knock it off; she’s nice. WILL Yes, she's kind and very concerned about the environment. In fact, that's why we split up. She got frustrated because I couldn’t get on board with her yellow/mellow. TREVOR Yellow/mellow? SALESMAN (chuckles) When you go to the bathroom if it is yellow let it mellow and if it is brown send it down. LEX Gross! TREVOR Where can I hurl? Oh... I just pictured Jabba the Hut's brown down! The image... it's burning in... please, someone spoon my brain out before it's too late! The Salesman leads them through the store until they reach the archery section. He takes them to a long room made of glass that has hay bales at both ends and a target at the far end 100 feet away. Because of the glass and location of the room the majority of the people in the store can look in. INT. BOW AND ARROW RANGE – CONTINUOUS Will and the kids enter the room. SALESMAN OK. First everyone needs to stand behind this red line. I’ll take one person at a time up to the shooting position and let you shoot down range. The Salesman takes a bow and quiver of arrows off the wall. SALESMAN (CONT’D) (to Lex) OK. Ladies first. The Salesman guides Lex to the shooting line and puts the bow in her hand. He helps her pull the string back.
SALESMAN (CONT’D) OK. Shoot! A loud SCREECH echoes in the room. Lex jumps and lets go of the bow and the arrow launches hitting the wall behind the hay bale. Trevor laughs. LEX What was that! SALESMAN Oh, that’s Rascal, our pet raccoon. He stays in here when he’s not entertaining the customers. The Salesman points to the near corner where a large cage sits with a raccoon in it. Above the cage is a sign that reads: "Rascal." The Salesman lets her shoot again. Lex misses and Trevor laughs again. TREVOR Hey Dad, did Rascal get your old job? SALESMAN (to Trevor) OK smart guy, your turn. Lex walks back to Will and the cart and Trevor takes her place. Trevor takes the bow and shoots hitting the target. He fires another couple of arrows all hitting. SALESMAN (CONT’D) Wow! We have a genuine William Tell! TREVOR Who? SALESMAN Uh... public schools. (to Will) Your turn. WILL Oh, OK. Will and Trevor trade places. Just as Will takes the bow the Salesman gets a page over the loudspeaker. PAGE (O.S. AMPLIFIED) Sales Assistant Ben Arnold, please report to check out.
SALESMAN/BEN ARNOLD Darn. OK. Just take a couple of shots and I will be right back. Ben leaves the room in a hurry. WILL OK kids. Watch how it’s done. SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL SHOOTS, MISSING THE TARGET. B) TREVOR DIGS THROUGH THE CART UNTIL HE FINDS THE WEATHERPROOF MATCHES. C) LEX TAKES A PICTURE OF WILL SHOOTING THE BOW AND ARROW. D) WILL SHOOTS AGAIN, MISSING THE TARGET. WILL What? No laughter? SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL SHOOTS AGAIN, THIS ONE HITS THE TARGET. HE STILL FACES DOWN RANGE. B) TREVOR STRIKES A MATCH AND IT FLARES LARGER THAN A NORMAL MATCH. HIS EYES BULGE. C) WILL SHOOTS AGAIN HITTING THE TARGET. WILL Getting closer. Trevor shakes his hand to put the match out but it continues to flare. He panics and drops the match. Lex grabs Will’s new bush hat and throws it on the lit match, trying to put it out. Will shoots again, hitting the bull’seye. WILL (CONT’D) WOW! Did you see that? Will readies another arrow. The hat catches fire and Trevor panics and kicks the burning hat and it lands next to the hay bales. The hay bales catch fire. Will finally notices the fire and chaos behind him. WILL (CONT’D) (quickly) Iguanas have two penises!
Will lets go of the bow and the arrow shoots into the roof. Will stomps on the fire but the stacked hay bales flare, catching the arrow in the roof on fire. Will and the kids frantically try to put the fire out as the water sprinklers flood the room. LEX Rascal! Lex runs to the cage. Ben casually walks back to the bow and arrow range while talking on his walkie-talkie. There is a crowd of people pressed to the glass on the outside of the room. Ben opens the door, unaware as smoke billows out. Rascal flies out of the smoke and lands on his head. He is still wearing the raccoon hat. BEN Hell’s gates have opened! Ben spins with Rascal on his head and runs wildly through the store. Will and the kids stumble out, COUGHING. WILL (whispers) Mussolini fought off evil by touching his testes. Lex is holding the camera and it suddenly takes a picture on it's own. EXT. OUTDOOR UNIVERSE – DAY Will and the kids quickly walk out of the store with their bags and head to the van. They are soaked and Will is wearing a slightly charred bush hat with the price tag still attached and he has a bow and quiver of arrows across his back. WILL Well, that could’ve gone better. And I’m pretty sure there are now two sections I’m banned from. TREVOR No way! That was solid! And they made us buy the bow too! EXT. GAS STATION – DAY The van pulls up to the pumps and Will hops out. WILL Hang tight kids, be right back.
TREVOR Are we stopping at another one of your old jobs? WILL Ha, ha, very funny. INT. GAS STATION – CONTINUOUS RED/CLERK is behind the counter. WILL Hi Red, how’s it going? RED Hey Will, want your old job back? We’re short a graveyard shift. WILL No, I’m spending the summer with my kids. Maybe after they go home. Will walks to the ATM machine and withdraws one thousand dollars. The receipt shows that all he has remaining is twenty three cents. Will is concerned. He buys a map and a five gallon gas canister. A JOURNEY song plays softly in the background. EXT. GAS STATION – CONTINUOUS Will walks out of the station and takes the five gallon gas canister and fills it and puts it in the back of the van. INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY Trevor sits up front with Will as they drive down the desert highway. Lex is in the back. The music is quiet and no one is talking. The highway is empty, only desert surrounds them. Suddenly a Westfalia van passes them from behind on their left. Trevor nudges Will’s shoulder. TREVOR Look. I think your We-Fuck-Ya is really a Westfalia. WILL No way, son. The previous owner told me all about my van. Apparently they’re named after the town they’re built in. Wefückya is a charming little town in the Alps. Another Westfalia passes from the left rear and the occupants give them nasty looks. Then another Westfalia passes on the left and the occupants angrily flip them the bird.
TREVOR Come on dude, don’t be such an oxygen thief? This thing is totally a Westfalia. WILL Impossible! Besides, he warned me of the rivalry between Westfalia and Wefückya. He said to thumb my nose at it. TREVOR Dad... have you ever seen another We-Fuck-Ya? Just then another van passes from the left and the occupants YELL profanities and gesture with their fists. Will loses his temper and rolls down his window and crouches to get his arm out and shakes his fist at the passing van. WILL Wefückyas rule! Westfalias are for LOOOSEEERS! Suddenly, a swarm of Westfalias pass quickly from the left and right. WILL (CONT’D) (frantically) For the love of God roll up the windows! It’s the crazy Nazi van club! The radio suddenly blares the Journey song, Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’. The vans pass very close and the occupants yell profanities and gesture with their fists. It takes a long while for them to pass and the ones on the right stir up dust. Will stares straight ahead and shrinks in his seat. Trevor shakes his head. INT. VAN (LATER) Will and the kids are in the van. WILL What do you think kids? Are we going the right way? Lex and Trevor are in the back looking at the map. LEX Yeah. We should see an old ghost town to our right called Rhyolite. Shortly after that we should see a turn-off for Titus Canyon.
To their right is Rhyolite which has numerous buildings in different stages of disrepair. TREVOR Crazy! A real ghost town. LEX Beats XBOX any day, right Trevor? Will smiles and keeps on driving. LEX (CONT’D) There, on the right. Will sees the sign that reads: “Titus Canyon-One Way-No Camping.” WILL Hang on! Into the dirt we go. They turn onto the dirt access road which is bumpy and dusty. Some of their gear shifts and crashes about. TREVOR You sure this crap mobile is going to hold together? WILL Wefückya... uh, the Alps are full of rough terrain. We’ll be fine. But you should stow the gear and better batten down the hatches. We’re in for a long bumpy road. The kids collect the gear and stow it. They pass a sign that reads: "Death Valley." INT. VAN (LATER) The van drives through Titus Canyon which is a narrow one-way road with three hundred foot cliffs that shoot up. The sun is setting. WILL OK kids. I forgot to set my tripmeter, but I think we’re almost out of the canyon. LEX What about the pictographs? I haven’t seen any yet. WILL They’ve got to be up here soon.
Will stops the van in an alcove off the road. WILL (CONT’D) Look at that. I think that might be our pictographs? EXT. DEATH VALLEY – TITUS CANYON – EVENING Will and the kids exit the van and stretch their legs. outside they look up and marvel at the cliffs.
LEX Beautiful! TREVOR OK, this is pretty cool. Will walks over to the wall where he thought he saw the pictographs. WILL Damn. Just run-off. No pictographs here. Lex and Trevor come over to look and stand next to the wall. LEX I don’t understand. According to the book they should be here. WILL Remember, the book doesn’t actually tell us exactly where the picture was taken and we’re almost through the canyon. TREVOR Why don’t we just turn around and go back... WILL No. This is a one-way and we won’t be able to turn around if someone else is coming through. LEX We’ll just have to circle back tomorrow. TREVOR Boring! WILL I agree. Let me check the map again.
Will goes in the van to check the map. Trevor goes to the back of the van and scrounges around and then comes back and stands in front of Lex. TREVOR I’m not circling back around. LEX What are you... ? TREVOR Hold your breath and close your eyes! Trevor sprays Lex’s outline. The PSSSS of the can startles Lex and the mist makes her cough as she runs from the wall. Behind her is a perfect pictograph. TREVOR (CONT’D) Righteous! Will runs over after hearing the commotion. WILL (quickly) Hitler and Napoleon only had one testicle! Trevor! You can’t spray paint a national park! TREVOR How do you think the pictograph got here in the first place? And what’s with the balls trivia? Lex stares at him. WILL Uh! Listen, it’s not right and it’s against the law... Will holds up the book and compares the picture to the spray painted wall. WILL (CONT’D) Well, you did a pretty good job. LEX Dad! WILL Right. Trevor, bad! Now let’s get out of here before someone sees us. Saddle up.
The kids jump in the van and Will takes a picture of Lex’s outline and enters the van. The van drives off. INT. VAN (MOVING) – NIGHT Lex continues COUGHING. Will finds another alcove and pulls in and parks, but keeps the headlights on to give them light. WILL OK kids. Let’s set up camp. Will moves to the middle of the van and unlatches the roof lock. He pushes on the roof and the front half of it rises up so that they can stand upright. Canvas covers the open space and in the front is a plastic window. Will then pulls a padded plank below the back part of the roof forward which creates a bed big enough for both Lex and Trevor. TREVOR Wicked! I never knew the We-Fuck-Ya was so cool. It’s like a giant freaking Swiss Army knife. Will puts their sleeping bags up top. WILL Climb up and get your beds ready for the night. I’ll work on dinner. Will turns on the stove. Later, they sit around a table inside the van with dirty dishes. WILL (CONT’D) So you guys like your school? LEX Yeah, it’s fine and it’s nice to finally settle down. TREVOR Thank God Mom is done with law school. Boy was that hard... on me! LEX What are you talking about? You didn’t have to take the bar exam! TREVOR Whatever, I had to make my own lunch for like a year! WILL Does she like her job?
LEX Yeah, you know how much she likes animals. Her being a lobbyist for endangered species really makes sense. TREVOR Plus DC is pretty cool and we live in a swank pad. WILL Swank pad uh. Well good and I’m glad for her and you guys. Will cleans up the dishes. LEX You know, I don’t think we’ve ever asked why you and Mom split up. We were so young... WILL (cleaning dishes) I know... it had nothing to do with you guys... or even your mother. We were so young when we got married. Lex and Trevor watch him. WILL (CONT’D) I truly love... loved, your mother... very much. She just kind of outgrew me. You know, her interests changed and what she wanted to do with her life. All of sudden we didn’t have anything in common. It’s not her fault. It just happens. Anyway, she was meant for more... besides, she never liked camping. But the three of us always had a great time. Do you remember? You guys were so young. I miss those days. OK, up to bed. The kids scramble up and Will continues to clean. EXT. DEATH VALLEY – TITUS CANYON – DAWN Will collects gear and packs it back in the van which is converted back and ready to go. INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY The van drives around the next corner and stops and to their left is the real pictograph.
WILL Huh, figures. Will takes a picture through the window and continues on. WILL (CONT’D) OK Lex, tell us about Race Track. LEX According to your guide book, Race Track is a dry lake bed... TREVOR (dryly) Yippee! LEX That has mysterious rocks that move on their own Mr. Cynical. WILL OK. Walk me through this. LEX Well, no one can explain it... exactly. I mean no one has ever reported actually seeing the rocks move. What they do see are rocks with noticeable trails that stretch up to a mile or more. TREVOR What? LEX Really, they speculate that the lake bed freezes at night and then the wind picks up to fifty miles per hour and push the rocks around. WILL What size rocks are we talking about? LEX From the picture, some look like the size of your bean bag chair or bigger. TREVOR I’m banking on freaky ghosts; not the wind. WILL OK, Let’s find some ghosts.
INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY The van drives on a large dry lake bed. TREVOR OK, I’m officially bored. We’ve been driving forever and a day and we haven’t seen one stupid rock with a trail. LEX I agree. And it’s getting hot! WILL OK. Christopher Columbus’s men gave him three days to find land after they thought there was no hope. You give me thirty more minutes and then we’ll leave. TREVOR Uh. OK... LEX There! A bunch of rocks. WILL Worked for Columbus; why not me! The van stops and Will and the kids exit and walk around the rocks. TREVOR There aren’t any trails. Uh, I’m pretty sure I’m dying here. WILL OK. Let’s have lunch and think about this. Will sets up lunch and is heard SHUFFLING through gear in the back of the van. LEX What’s he up to? TREVOR Who cares, it sounds like fun. Will walks to the back of the van and ties a boulder to the rear bumper of the van using two thick orange and green extension cords.
WILL OK Lex, get the camera. Trevor, stand back. LEX Dad, you can’t... WILL Relax, I’m just dragging a rock around. Will climbs in the van and starts it. INT./EXT.
VAN/DEATH VALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Will puts the van in gear and moves forward slowly. The radio suddenly blares JOURNEY. The van slowly pulls the rock and Lex takes a picture while Trevor jumps about with excitement. The bumper bends with a SCREECH. LEX/TREVOR (waving their arms) STOP! Will bounces in his seat and gives the thumbs up. JOURNEY blares. WILL Come on baby! You can do it! Lex and Trevor chase the car YELLING. Suddenly the van lurches forward and the radio goes silent. The kid’s yelling STOP is heard. WILL (CONT’D) OOOW. That can’t be good. Will exits the van and walks to the back. He sees the kids staring at the rock trail and the rock that is still attached to the bumper which is no longer attached to the van. The bumper is bent in the shape of a grimace. LEX Sorry Dad! I know how much you love your van. TREVOR It wasn’t for nothing; we got a killer shot!
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - LATER The van drives away without a rear bumper. The rock, cords and bumper lay in the dry lake bed. INT. VAN (DRIVING) – DAY They are quiet as the desert passes them. TREVOR Hey dude, can I use your cell phone? I want to check the scores. WILL I don’t have one. TREVOR One that goes to the Web? I can text a buddy... WILL I don’t have one at all. LEX What? WILL Don’t need one. Never have. LEX You mean we’re cut off from the world? WILL I guess. Never thought of it like that. EXT. DEATH VALLEY FLOWER FIELDS – DAY Will and the kids walk among thousands of brown flowers that stand knee high. LEX (palms the flowers) They’re all dead. So much for our picture. TREVOR Flowers blow chunks. Let’s hit the mines. WILL Hold on you little quitters.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY – TITUS CANYON – DAY A PARK RANGER pulls up to the fake pictograph. He stops the truck and gets out and stands in front of the spray paint pictograph and scratches his head. EXT. DEATH VALLEY – RACE TRACK – DAY A FEMALE PARK RANGER stops her truck at the rock tied to the bumper. She picks up the bumper and reads the bumper sticker: "If the van is rocking... well you know the rest." INT. NEWS ROOM – DAY A news ANCHORWOMAN and ANCHORMAN sit at a news desk. are a local Las Vegas valley news channel.
ANCHORMAN Well, looks like strange events are happening in Death Valley these days. ANCHORWOMAN Yes. That is correct. Behind the Anchorman a picture of Trevor’s pictograph appears on the monitor. ANCHORWOMAN (CONT’D) At first the park services thought someone had just vandalized the park as seen by this makeshift pictograph, which looks very similar to the original pictograph that was right around the corner. The monitor screen splits showing both Trevor’s pictograph and the historical pictograph. ANCHORWOMAN (CONT’D) But then another park ranger discovered a rock tied with extension cords to a bent bumper. A picture of the rock and bumper replaces the pictographs in the monitor. ANCHORMAN Yes. And as you can see from the bumper sticker... The bumper sticker fills the monitor.
ANCHORMAN (CONT’D) (chuckles) the authorities think they are looking for a van with a missing rear bumper. ANCHORWOMAN And if that wasn’t strange enough, well we have this. INT. SKYLER PHART GALLERY – DAY Gretchen is in the back room working on paperwork. She has the news on and takes notice of the Death Valley story. GRETCHEN Skyler! Quickly, you must see this. Skyler strolls over. They watch the field news reporter, COURTNEY RIVERS, on the television. COURTNEY This is Courtney Rivers reporting from just outside Stove Pipe in Death Valley. And it is hard to believe that in the heat of the summer you can find such a beautiful bloom of spring flowers. Death Valley is known for its amazing blooms but none more so than this. I am surrounded by literally thousands of flowers... that have been painted. She crumples the flower cracking the paint. The news camera pans out showing a large island of yellow flowers surrounded by a sea of brown dead ones. ANCHORWOMAN Courtney, are the authorities assuming that whoever painted the pictograph and tried to tow the rock are connected to this? The news coverage continues in the background. Shots of all the vandalism appear on their monitor. Skyler clutches his national park photo book like he is holding the Bible. SKYLER This can’t be! I won’t allow it! Gretchen, I must stop this affront, this attack on nature... on me! I can’t let this be my legacy!
Skyler takes the book and grabs his cell phone off the desk. SKYLER (CONT’D) Continue watching and keep me informed. I'm going to save the Grand Canyon! GRETCHEN Ja vol herr Floower! Skyler stops dead in his tracks. SKYLER You have to stop calling me that! It sounds like Führer not Flower. People won’t understand. Skyler dashes out leaving a deflated Gretchen. EXT. VEGAS STRIP – DAY Skyler pulls onto the strip in his tiny electric Smart car and heads out of town. EXT. DEATH VALLEY – DAY Courtney packs gear with her crew. CREW MEMBER There are some serious nuts out there. COURTNEY It’s sweet. Besides, I like nuts. INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY Will and the kids SING the Journey song, Wheel In The Sky, together as it plays on the radio. WILL/LEX/TREVOR Wheel in the sky keeps on turning I don’t know where Ill be tomorrow Wheel in the sky keeps on turning I've been trying to make it home LEX Look! They stop singing. Lex points to a sign on the highway that reads: "Welcome to the Grand Canyon." LEX (CONT’D) We made it.
WILL Well sort of. We’re gonna be at the end of the canyon where we can drive the van. In fact, I think we’ll be on an Indian reservation? TREVOR Awesome! Maybe they can show us how to shoot our bow and arrow? WILL/LEX No! SERIES OF SHOTS: A) SOUTH RIM VIEW B) COLORADO RIVER AND WHITE WATER RAPIDS C) A HAWK FLYING OVER A GREEN CAMPGROUND - IT ZEROES IN ON THE VAN EXT. GRAND CANYON – DUSK Will sets up camp next to the river and the van is converted into the camper. Will and Trevor stand next to each other. TREVOR (points up river) Hey Dad. What’s that? WILL Looks like a woman in some sort of kayak. The beautiful WOMAN paddles closer who has very large breasts with a tiny bikini top. Will and Trevor stare at her. WILL (CONT’D) (staring at woman) A kayak is a palindrome. TREVOR (staring at woman) What is a pali whatever? WILL (still staring) A word that can be spelled the same left or right. The Woman slowly passes and waves with a big smile.
TREVOR (still staring) Boob. WILL (looks at Trevor) Hey! TREVOR (still staring) What dude? It’s a palindrome. EXT. GRAND CANYON - LATER It’s dark and Will and the kids sit around a fire next to the van. WILL OK Lex, what pictures are we hunting now? LEX Well, according to Skyler’s book, we’re looking for a rock slope that has really white grooves. TREVOR Come on, more rocks? LEX AND a cave. TREVOR Cool, maybe we’ll find some vampire bats or a diseased, insane maneating bear! WILL No bears here, son. But we’ll have to keep our eyes open for some black bears when we get to Zion and Bryce. TREVOR Whatever. What does the cave look like? Lex shows them the picture of the cave. It has a blood red ceiling and light sand floor with a soft blue open sky center. WILL Ah. The picture we saw at the studio. (MORE)
49. WILL (CONT'D) Wonder how we are going to find that cave? I wish Skyler printed the coordinates.
TREVOR Who cares? A cave is a cave. Let’s just find one so we can find our bats. Will stands and gets marshmallows and clothes hangers out of the van. WILL OK, marshmallow time. I like mine burnt so if you create a crispy meteor send it my way. Will and the kids roast the marshmallows. TREVOR Hey, why don’t you have a girlfriend or at least a husky bromance? I mean you couldn’t even hold onto Sasquatch back at Outdoor Universe. WILL Bromance? TREVOR You know a close male buddy... maybe too close! LEX Knock it off Trevor. Seriously, whatever happened to KATRYA? I liked her. Will looks nervous and eats a burnt marshmallow. INT. WILL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Will is tied to his bed spread-eagle wearing nothing but a tiny pair of red silk underwear. He has a red ball-gag in his mouth and is squirming and WHIMPERING with bulging scared eyes. Katrya walks to the edge of the bed and SNAPS a whip against her long red boots wearing only a G-string and a Russian officer’s cover. EXT. GRAND CANYON – NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT) Will and the kids sit by the fire.
WILL I’m sure Katrya is doing fine. She was very disciplined. Anyway, I guess I haven’t found anyone who will accept me for who I am... and who I’m not I suppose. I’m not exactly a great catch. TREVOR Come on dude, there are plenty of women who like non-stop awkward trivia. Lex gives Trevor a dirty look. WILL Look, I can’t offer a woman a whole lot. LEX Well, you’re thoughtful and kind. Lots of women want that and you’ve got tons of it. That’s a start. WILL Thanks Sweetie, but not many women like men who are always broke and switching jobs. TREVOR Yeah, what’s with the constant new gigs? INT. NIGHTCLUB BAR – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Will flips multiple bottles while making a drink for a beautiful PATRON in a cranking club. He winks at her and continues flipping bottles and mixing tins until one slips and crashes into a large stack of glasses. The glasses burst and shower the Patron with glass. She starts bleeding from dozens of cuts all over her face. Everybody SCREAMS hysterically including Will. EXT. DEATH VALLEY – NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT) Will and the kids sit by the fire. WILL I don’t know, passion I guess, maybe skill, no passion. The point is the lucky few are those who know early what they want to be... like doctors, lawyers or male flight attendants. (MORE)
51. WILL (CONT'D) But there are legions of us out here wandering around who haven’t found passion for anything. And it’s hard to be successful without it.
Will stands and stretches. WILL (CONT’D) OK, time to hit the rack. We’ve got a long day tomorrow. Will goes to the van and gets his sleeping bag, and returns to the fire. WILL (CONT’D) I’m sleeping out under the stars. Any takers? LEX/TREVOR Sure! Lex and Trevor run to the van and climb in looking for their sleeping bags. LEX (quietly to Trevor) Still wish you were home? TREVOR I’m having an OK time. LEX And still think Dad is a loser? TREVOR Uh, I’m on the fence. The kids grab their sleeping bags and return to the fire. WILL OK kids, nice and close to the fire. Will and the kids settle into their sleeping bags and stare up at the stars. LEX Wow. Beautiful. So many stars. A shooting star streaks overhead. TREVOR Cool! Did you see that?
LEX Yeah. Make a wish. TREVOR I wish I had this cool new invention called a cell phone. WILL A cell phone would ruin this. Look there guys. That is the North Star and there is the Big Dipper. And see the handle of the Big Dipper, that is the belt of Orion and... EXT. CAMP - MORNING Will wakes in his sleeping bag and stretches. He turns and sees Lex and Trevor running around searching bushes. WILL Hey, what's up? The kids stop. LEX We're chasing this really pretty snake. TREVOR I think it's a Spitting Cobra that can spit death from 30 feet. Will joins them. WILL Sorry son, no Spitting Cobra here, just Corn Snakes and Rattlers. Will sees the brightly colored snake. WILL (CONTâ€™D) Yeah, that's a Corn Snake and according to my book it's harmless. LEX I'm still not touching it. WILL Wait a minute. Will runs back the van and then returns with a clear tupperware style container.
WILL (CONT’D) I can trap him in here. TREVOR Cool! A We-Fuck-Ya mascot. The snake slithers out of the bush and Will pounces on him with the plastic container. INT. VAN (MOVING) - DAY Will and the kids drive on a small dirt road next to the canyon wall. The snake is slithering around inside the plastic container. WILL What are we going to name the snake? TREVOR How about Genghis Khan? LEX He has pretty blue markings, how about Blue Bell? WILL Blue Bell it is. TREVOR Blue Bell is lame. WILL All right troops. Keep an eye out for a cave. LEX I don’t see a cave but I think I see a rock like the one we’re looking for. Will stops the van. EXT. GRAND CANYON – CONTINUOUS Will and the kids climb out of the van and inspect the rock. The rock face goes up a slight embankment and there are distinct water grooves. TREVOR Well, the grooves have a little white in them.
LEX Let me take a picture and see what shows up. Lex takes a photo and waves the picture around waiting for it to dry. They huddle around the photo. TREVOR I don’t see any white. LEX I told you Dad that this camera can’t do the shots. WILL We’ll just have to help the camera a bit. Will walks to the van and gets up on the front driver’s tire to access the roof bag. LEX Come on Dad, no more paint! Will opens the bag and pulls out a toaster and then a lamp. WILL Hey Trevor, come here and take these. Will hands Trevor the toaster and lamp and digs around more in the roof bag. TREVOR Why am I holding an old toaster and cracked lamp? WILL ‘Cause I moved out, remember? LEX Really Dad, no more paint. WILL Don’t worry sweetie. He pockets something from the roof bag and hops off the tire. WILL (CONT’D) (hands them small bottles) I don’t have white paint. But I do have these. TREVOR White Out? What's that?
WILL You use it to erase when you type something wrong. TREVOR Why don’t you just hit the backspace key? LEX He means with a typewriter. TREVOR OK, why do you have a typewriter? LEX Who cares about the typewriter! We’re not using White Out. TREVOR (holds the applicator) Not with this tiny brush! SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL AND THE KIDS ARE ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES APPLYING THE WHITE OUT WITH THE SMALL APPLICATOR BRUSHES IN THE BRIGHT SUN. B) WILL AND THE KIDS ARE ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES APPLYING THE WHITE OUT WITH THE SMALL APPLICATOR BRUSHES IN THE SETTING SUN. C) WILL AND THE KIDS ARE ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES APPLYING THE WHITE OUT WITH THE SMALL APPLICATOR BRUSHES BY MOONLIGHT. INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY Will and the kids drive along the same road. WILL (hands have white stains) That wasn’t so bad. All we did was highlight some grooves in a rock. No one will ever notice. And the picture looks great! LEX We’re going to Hell. TREVOR What are we painting next! LEX (starring at the picture with the grooves) (MORE)
56. LEX (CONT'D) The picture didn’t even turn out good. After all the White Out you can still barely notice it in the grooves.
Trevor takes the picture and looks at it. TREVOR What is the white stuff in the grooves supposed to be anyway? WILL Minerals I think? Trevor disappears to the back the van and SHUFFLES about. TREVOR (holds a large container) Like salt! EXT. GRAND CANYON – CAVE – DAY Will is wearing a backpack and he and the kids walk up a steep hill to a cave opening. The van is parked at the base of the hill. LEX OK, we’ll wait for the sun to start setting and that should give us the right light for the picture. TREVOR If not, well, we can take care of that! WILL We’ll do it Lex’s way son. The right way. Will and the kids explore the shallow cave. TREVOR Spooky. I wonder if Indians scalped settlers here? Will touches the ceiling and has black soot on his hand. WILL Someone has used the cave. This soot is from a fire. TREVOR I’m gonna have to ditch Columbus and call you Columbo.
LEX OK you two, move to the side. I want to get a picture. Will and Trevor stand aside and Lex moves to the back of the cave. She is looking out when she takes the picture. They all huddle around the picture as it slowly develops. The picture captures the ground and sky fairly well but the ceiling comes out black. WILL Hmm, must be the soot that is messing up our picture. Lex, go back to the van and bring back my small hatchet. It’s in one of the center storage cabinets. LEX What? WILL Yeah, we can use it to scrape the soot off. No harm in that. Hurry, while you’re gone Trevor and I will get started with some sticks. LEX OK. Lex leaves the cave. Will watches to make sure she is gone then he opens his backpack and pulls out several jars of spaghetti sauce. WILL Come on, we gotta hurry. TREVOR This trip keeps getting better and better! EXT. GRAND CANYON – CAVE – DAY Will and Trevor quickly scramble down the hill and meet Lex as she exits the van with the hatchet in hand. Will and Trevor are covered with splotches of red spaghetti sauce. WILL Come on Sweetie. Time to go! The picture looks great. Red is much better than the nasty soot. I used an organic sauce just to be safe. Lex looks disgusted. They enter the van and drive off with a big dust cloud.
EXT. GRAND CANYON – CAVE – EVENING Two NATIVE AMERICANS stand at the opening of the cave. (SPOKEN IN NAVAJO WITH ENGLISH SUBTITLES) NATIVE AMERICAN #1 Look at this mess. NATIVE AMERICAN #2 First they take our land. Now they paint it! NATIVE AMERICAN #1 (holds a bag of marijuana) Damn, this is my favorite dream cave. I love chasing the Coyote here. (holds out a hand and catches a red drop and sniffs/tastes it) Hmm, marinara with mushrooms, not bad. Might come in handy when the Munchy Spirit arrives. NATIVE AMERICAN #2 Don’t worry my brother. Geronimo’s prophecy is coming true. We will have our day! NATIVE AMERICAN #1 I don’t think Geronimo meant when he said, (does quotes in the air with his fingers) "One day we would win back our land," that we’d do it through casinos. NATIVE AMERICAN #2 That’s exactly what he meant! You know how much he liked gambling. Anyway, we’ll have enough money to buy back most of our lands within the next one hundred years. We’ve been here for tens of thousands of years, what’s another hundred to us? Who needs a treaty when you have cash!
INT. SKYLER PH-ART GALLERY – DAY Gretchen talks with a customer in the gallery and hears the start of the news report about the Grand Canyon and runs to the back room. She watches the news report. ANCHORWOMAN Well, it has been less than a week and we have another strange incident at a national park. ANCHORMAN Yes, this time the Grand Canyon is victimized. A picture of the two Native Americans goes on the monitor behind them. Their smiling faces are covered in the red sauce. ANCHORMAN (CONT’D) Two Native Americans found a painted cave. They lamented that the land was bleeding. ANCHORWOMAN Yes, they are a truly spiritual people. Is it true that it was painted in Marinara sauce? ANCHORMAN By the Looks of their faces they did their best to heal the land. The report continues in the back ground while Gretchen takes her phone and dials Skyler. GRETCHEN Skyler! Your Ph-Arts are being ruined! (beat) Ja, the Grand Canyon has been hit. I just saw the news report. (beat) Ja, I will continue watching and keep you posted. INT. CAR (MOVING) – DAY Skyler drives along the desert highway. SKYLER For the love of Nature! This can’t be happening. I won’t let Zion be next. (MORE)
60. SKYLER (CONT'D) If anyone catches on I’ll be ruined. They might even think I did it!
INT. NEWS ROOM – DAY Courtney watches the news report from off camera. COURTNEY First Death Valley, now the Grand Canyon. (beat) I’ve seen those pictures before. Courtney walks to their studio greenroom and goes to the coffee table. She picks up a copy of Skyler’s book that is on the table with half a dozen other books and magazines and thumbs through the book. COURTNEY (CONT’D) Damn! She walks out with the book and heads to the exit. COURTNEY (CONT’D) CHARLIE! I’m checking out Bruiser! INT. GARAGE – DAY Courtney walks up to an H1 pickup that has the station graphics painted on it. INT. H1 (PARKED) - DAY Courtney starts the H1. COURTNEY Let’s see if I can’t get to the bottom of this and get myself a scoop. Zion, here I come! INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY Will and the kids drive along the desert highway. TREVOR Are we there yet? Really! I mean we’ve been on the road for days. WILL Days might be an exaggeration, maybe a day. Hey honey, what are we looking for when we get to Zion? Silence.
WILL (CON’T) (CONT’D) Come on Sweetie. Aren’t you talking to me yet? Silence. WILL (CONT’D) I already promised never to use paint or anything like paint again. Really, I promise. Silence. WILL (CONT’D) Come on, my self-esteem can’t take another twelve hours of just Trevor. TREVOR Hey! Lex laughs. LEX OK, but if I so much as see a marker or bottle of ketchup between the two of you that is it! WILL OK, OK. So what are we looking for now? Lex opens Skyler’s book. LEX It really is beautiful. We’re looking for a tree that has been hit by lightning and is split down the center. The tree is charred and the sky behind it is a stormy greyblue. There is no way we’ll find this exact tree. WILL Well, we’re gaining altitude and once we get in the park we should get into the trees. I would think lightening strikes are common here. We’ll just have to find a tree that is close.
LEX (opens the tour book) Let me see if your book talks about the weather here. (picture of Corn snake catches her eye) Hey, according to the book Blue Bell is an escape artists. Will, Lex and trevor all look at the plastic container holding Blue Bell and the snake is gone. WILL/TREVOR/LEX Ha!!!! Will and Lex jump up SCREAMING and look franticly for the snake. Will searches his seat. EXT. CONTINUOUS - DAY The van swerves down the highway. SERIES OF SHOTS: A) A SIGN THAT READS: "WELCOME TO ZION" B) BEAUTIFUL RED ROCK C) FOREST OF GREEN TREES EXT. ZION – EVENING Will and the kids circle a lone defenseless tree in a large clearing. The tree is clearly dead and only about six feet tall. WILL This is it kids. LEX What? TREVOR Yeah, this tree is pathetic. Will studies the tree and the expansive canyon view. WILL No, this is it. The view behind it is perfect and once dusk hits we’ll have the perfect shot. Will points to the clouds rolling in.
WILL (CONT’D) Trust me. LEX Trevor is right, the tree is whole and... WILL I can take care of that. Lex gives him an angry look. LEX Dad! WILL Look, I’m not going to paint anything... LEX But... WILL And I’m not going to kill or ruin anything. The tree is already dead. I’m just going to... shape it a bit. Like a Bonsai tree. Did you know I gave your mother a Bonsai tree for Christmas once? TREVOR How romantic! LEX Come on... WILL Don’t worry; I’m not going to break my promise or destroy anything. (to Trevor) Go get my hatchet. We’ve gotta hurry. Will looks at the darkening sky. EXT. ZION - LATER Will hacks at the tree and has split about a third of it. He stops and pulls on the split ends trying to separate it but it won’t budge. He is tired and sweating. WILL OK Trevor, give it a few good whacks. Don’t cut off your fingers or chase your sister! (MORE)
64. WILL (CONT'D) I’m gonna fill the gas tank before it gets too dark.
Will walks to the back of the van and takes the gas canister out and fills the tank. TREVOR This rocks! Trevor whacks at the tree and Lex studies the light and then SCREAMS. Will runs to her still carrying the gas can which spills next to the tree. He leaves it there. WILL What’s wrong! LEX I thought I saw Blue Bell, but it was just a lizard! WILL Blue Bell will turn up. LEX That's what I'm afraid of. Will returns to the van and pulls out two red tie-down straps that he brings to Trevor. WILL OK, hold up George Washington. Trevor stops hacking at the tree and Will ties one of the straps to each side of the split tree. He hands one of the straps to Trevor. WILL (CONT’D) OK Lex, join your brother. On the count of three pull. We should get a decent split. OK, one, two, three, pull! They all pull and the tree splits. LEX Cool, it worked. She steps back to look at the shot. LEX (CONT’D) I guess you were right. The tree was already dead. She takes a photo and they huddle around waiting for it to develop.
TREVOR Looks good to me. LEX No, the lighting is good and the split actually worked, but the whole point of the picture was to capture a lightning strike. There’s no char. Will stares at the picture and then the tree. He walks through the clearing and it is obvious he is thinking. TREVOR We got some Weather Proof matches that can take care of that! WILL No way, son! We’re not lighting a tree on fire in the middle of a National Park. Will walks to the back of the van and pulls out some water jugs. WILL (CONT’D) We’ll just have to fool the camera. It’s time to play in the mud. SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL POURS THE WATER IN A PATCH OF DIRT. B) WILL AND THE KIDS MIX THE WATER AND DIRT CREATING MUD. C) WILL AND THE KIDS PAINT THE TREE WITH THE MUD. THEY ARE COVERED IN MUD. D) LEX TAKES A PICTURE OF THE TREE AND THEY ALL LOOK AT THE PICTURE. WILL Well kids, I’ve got to say that this is our best picture yet and we didn’t hurt the environment one bit. Good job! TREVOR Who knew being an environmentalist could be so much fun! LEX Yeah, you’re a regular tree huger.
EXT. ZION - LATER The van is in the camper mode with the roof up and parked a few feet from the tree. WILL Well dinner was great if I say so myself. TREVOR Whatever. What’s the scoop on dessert. WILL No problem; I’ll grab the marshmallows. Will walks to the van and returns with the marshmallows and three arrows. WILL (CONT’D) We’re out of hangers but these should do. Will passes the arrows out and they skewer their marshmallows and begin roasting. WILL (CONT’D) So Lex, where do you want to go to college? LEX I’m thinking about an art school, maybe not a traditional college. Something for graphic design or fine art. WILL Whatever makes you happy and that you think you will like works for me. LEX You might have to talk to Mom for me because... Trevor leaps out of the dark with a bandana tied around his head with a leaf sticking out like an Indian feather. He has mud smeared on his face and is holding the bow with an arrow readied, sporting a flaming marshmallow. TREVOR How! Me Chief Marshmallow and I come in peace.
LEX You Chief Idiot. WILL I’ve got to put you on a leash. Put the bow down before you kill another marshmallow. TREVOR You guys are no... Trevor trips and lets the arrow fly. Will and Lex run to Trevor to make sure he is OK. WILL All fun and games until you trip in the dark dressed like an Indian carrying a bow with a flaming marshmallow. Are you OK? TREVOR Yeah, I’m OK. Hey, where’s my flying marshmallow? Will and the kids look around. LEX Good job Chief. You shot our defenseless tree. Will and the kids look at tree. Just as Will stands marshmallow melt and slip small pool of gas next to
the arrow sticking out of the muddy to retrieve the arrow he sees the off the arrow falling into the the gas canister and tree.
WILL (quickly) It’s illegal to hunt camels in Arizona! The marshmallow ignites the gas creating a small burst flames that catches the tree on fire. Will runs to the of the car and pulls out his water jugs to put out the but they are empty from making mud. He shakes them and drops come out.
of back fire, only
LEX Dad! We’ve got a problem. Lex points to the van. The canvas that connects the roof to the top of the van when it’s in the raised camping mode is on fire.
WILL (quickly) Ah! Komodo Dragons have two penises! Will races to the van and enters. INT. VAN (PARKED/MOVING) – NIGHT Will looks at the ceiling from inside the van. The canvas is completely in flames. He starts the van and the JOURNEY song, Only The Young, BLARES. EXT. ZION – NIGHT Will fish-tails the van around the burning tree and dust flies. Journey BLARES while Will YELLS hysterically hanging out the window. WILL (hysterically) Tom Hanks is related to Abraham Lincoln! (beat) Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button! Journey BLARES. WILL (CONT’D) (to himself) Must drive faster. Must drive faster. The wind will put it out. The wind will put it out. (to the kids) Is it out yet? (points to the fire with his left had while driving) Is it out yet? Now? The kids are between the tree and the van and they turn in place to follow the burning van. TREVOR/LEX No! Will franticly drives the van in circles around the tree and kids. Blue Bell slithers along the top of Will's seat and across his shoulders.
WILL For the love of God! (shakes his shoulders and Blue Bell leaves) Now? TREVOR/LEX No! The fire suddenly stops and the roof collapses back onto the van with a BANG. Will stops the van and the kids rush over and open the side door. Will stumbles out in a cloud of white smoke. It is quiet. WILL Sweet Jesus! Will falls to the ground hugging the dirt. WILL (CONT’D) (coughs) That didn’t exactly work out the way I planned. Will stands and walks back to the van. There are char marks on the roof and sides of the van and the smoke has cleared. They stare in the van through the side door and on the step behind the front passenger seat is a fire extinguisher. TREVOR (at the fire extinguisher) Hmm. That could’ve come in handy. The tree still burns behind them and Lex takes the fire extinguisher and uses it to put out the fire. They’re standing in between the charred tree and van when a pair of headlights shines on them. WILL Really? What are the odds? TREVOR On this trip... pretty good. WILL (softly) Don’t worry kids. I’ll take care of this. Skyler’s tiny electric Smart car stops next to Will’s gas canister and Skyler exits the car in a rage. He sees the van, without the bumper, the charred tree and stomps up to Will and the kids.
SKYLER You! I saw the smoke and knew it would be you! Destroyers of nature! Murderer of my legacy! LEX Skyler! What an honor, I love your work. Skyler is momentarily taken back by the compliment and her young age. SKYLER (to Will) How could you involve innocent children in your degradation! WILL (to the kids; quietly) Get in the van. (to Skyler) I don’t know what you are talking about Mr.? The kids slip into the van. SKYLER You defiler! Have you no shame. Trying to destroy my life’s work! Sirens BLARE down the road and Will looks towards them. WILL (quickly) Oh yeah! Well, Mr. Mojo Risin is just an anagram for Jim Morrison! They stare at each other and Will uses the time to jump into the van and drives away opposite the sirens. SKYLER I don’t think so beauty killer! You can’t get away from the power of green that easy! Skyler runs to his car. INT. CAR (PARKED) – NIGHT Skyler puts the key in the ignition and turns it and nothing happens. He looks at his voltage gage that reads: "Empty." He hits the steering wheel. SKYLER Damn!
He gets out of the car and trips on the fuel can. SKYLER (CONT’D) (looks at the gas can) This is going to be a long night. (sniffs the air) Like the time Charlie stalked me in the jungle. Skyler watches the van speed away. The van top bobs up and down several times like a mouth opening and closing. INT. VAN (MOVING) – NIGHT The roof bounces. TREVOR Hey Dad! Something is wacky with the roof. WILL Yeah, I know! It was on fire remember? LEX No, it’s bouncing. The front of the expandable roof catches air and rips off the van completely only leaving the hard roof over the driver and passenger. Air RUSHES in. TREVOR (looking up) The bouncing stopped... and the stars are out. Oh look, there’s Orion. INT. H1 (DRIVING) – NIGHT Courtney listens to her police scanner. SCANNER Copy that. We have the vandal suspect in custody on the Northeast ridge just off of access road OneB. Please send a forensic crew and back up. COURTNEY OK Bruiser. Time to haul ass! EXT. ZION – NIGHT Skyler, hand cuffed, leans against his car next to the fuel can.
A PARK RANGER studies the van roof and headlights appear and the H1 stops next to the Park Ranger’s truck. Courtney gets out. PARK RANGER Hold up Miss. This is a crime scene... COURTNEY Hello, my name is Courtney Rivers and I’m with Channel Nine News. Can you tell me what is going on here? The Park Ranger blushes. PARK RANGER Well, Miss Rivers... COURTNEY Oh Courtney please. She smiles at him. PARK RANGER Oh, OK Miss River... I mean Courtney. You see I caught the vandal that has been desecrating our parks. His name is Skyler Walker. Courtney hides her shock and walks over to Skyler. COURTNEY I’m sorry Ranger, but you have the wrong man. He’s working with me to capture the real vandal, the Skyler Walker Vandal. SKYLER/PARK RANGER What? COURTNEY Yes, the vandal you are looking for drives a van and he’s re-creating Skyler’s photographs. Skyler is a famous photographer and once he learned someone was copying his pictures and destroying the parks he agreed to work with Channel Nine News and me. Isn’t that right Skyler? SKYLER Uh. Yes, that is right.
She goes to the H1 and retrieves a copy of Skyler’s book. She shows the Park Ranger the photos that have been copied to date including the tree. PARK RANGER Hmmm. COURTNEY Now can you please take the cuffs off him? The Park Ranger doesn’t move. Courtney smiles. COURTNEY (CONT’D) You can keep him as a person of interest of course, if you want, but he is driving the wrong vehicle which you know because you have the roof of the van and you have my personal word and the word Channel Nine News that he is working with us to catch the real vandal. The Ranger shrugs and un-cuffs Skyler. PARK RANGER OK, you are both celebrities of sorts. I know where to find you. EXT.
ZION - LATER
More rangers and police are on site investigating. A group of fire fighting inmates arrives to clean the area. They are a very rough and muscular group of guys. PARK RANGER OK Courtney, you and Skyler can leave. I have your statements. SKYLER Excuse me, what about my Smart car? My batteries are run down. The Ranger looks at the car, the inmates and then the H1. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY – DAWN The H1 drives down the highway in the early morning sunrise. Skyler’s small electric Smart car is propped in the bed of the H1. The front of the electric car is in the air facing backwards.
INT. H1 (DRIVING) – DAWN Courtney concentrates on driving while Skyler sits slumped in his seat. SKYLER This is ridiculous. My life’s work being mocked by a curly headed buffoon and two brats; I’m driving in a vehicle that uses more fuel in a day than I use all year; and my beloved Smart car is in the back like a toy. COURTNEY Could be worse. You could be in jail sharing a cell with the beefy fire crew that put your car in the bed. SKYLER Point taken. COURTNEY OK, tell me again what this guy said? SKYLER It was either madness or genius. I was so confused he just slipped away. Anyway, he said, “Mr. Mojo Risin is an anagram for Jim Morrison.” Crazy right? COURTNEY Crazy and right. An anagram is just a word that can be formed by reordering the letters of another word. That’s all. Skyler thinks about it. COURTNEY (CONT’D) And you said he had two kids with him? SKYLER Yes. COURTNEY Did they look scared or in danger? SKYLER Oh no! They all looked completely oblivious... and happy. (MORE)
75. SKYLER (CONT'D) So why did you tell the studio you thought he was heading for Red Rock instead of Bryce?
COURTNEY I want to be the first to interview him. If everyone knows he’s going to Bryce we’ll never get to him first. SKYLER But in my book, Bryce is the last stop. Won’t they just read it and know where to go. Courtney laughs loudly. COURTNEY Read! Oh that was good! People don’t read anymore. That’s what Satellite TV and You Tube are for. INT. NEWS ROOM – DAY The Anchorwoman and Anchorman are at their desk off camera. ANCHORMAN Do we really have to say this? I mean I don’t know if I can get through this crap. ANCHORWOMAN This is ridiculous and... PRODUCER We are on in three, two... The PRODUCER gives them the "go" sign. ANCHORMAN First Death Valley, then the Grand Canyon, and now Zion shamelessly vandalized. A picture of the burnt, split tree covered in fire extinguisher residue is put on the monitor behind them. ANCHORWOMAN Yes, and our vandal now has a name: the Skyler Walker Vandal. ANCHORMAN Right, and the Internet has dubbed him the Ph-Art Vandal.
ANCHORWOMAN I think that is pronounced Ph... Art, separating the two words. You know for Photo Art. ANCHORMAN Right. ANCHORWOMAN Well anyway, our very own Courtney Rivers has discovered that the vandal is copying Las Vegas’ own celebrity photographer’s book on the Southwest National Parks. Skyler Walker calls Las Vegas his home and has his Skyler Ph-Art Gallery right here in town. ANCHORMAN Courtney Rivers is working with Skyler to stop the vandal and we expect an exclusive interview with what we hope will be both Skyler and the vandal in the coming days. ANCHORWOMAN Finally, if you remember last week’s news cast about the incident in Death Valley you will recall that the vandal left his bumper in the park. This time in Zion, the PhArt Vandal has left the... really guys? Is this correct? Well they are telling me yes so he apparently now left the roof of his van and it identifies the van as a... Wefückya. A picture of the van roof replaces the burnt tree on the monitor. The Wefückya is prominent. INT. BAR – DAY Several men in suits sit at a rowdy happy hour bar and some watch the news cast. The image of the Wefückya is on the TV. BAR PATRON #1 Hey SPICOLI! (hits the man [SEAN PENN] next to him on the arm) Isn’t that your college van? (points to the TV)
SPICOLI Yeah dude! That’s it. Wow man, I totally liked my Law School van better. BAR PATRON #1 Yeah, but it sure beats the clunker one you had Ridgemont. SPICOLI No way dude; I had good times in that van! Spicoli raises his Martini glass. SPICOLI Wefückyas RULE!!!
BAR Wefückyas RULE!!! Everyone quiets down. Spicoli stares at the TV. SPICOLI (to the TV) Hey wait a minute. You still have my Journey tape you douche bag! INT. VAN (DRIVING) - DAY Will and the kids are wind blown in the van. The JOURNEY song, Faithfully, plays in the background. TREVOR This is the best damn summer EVER! WILL/LEX Hey! TREVOR What? I’m having a good time. WILL We’ll be hitting a town in a while. Do you guys want to call your Mother? TREVOR No. She is on a cruise or something boring like that. We won’t be able to reach her for a few more days. WILL OK.
LEX Hey Dad, I was thinking back to all the times I’ve seen you and Mom together and you know I don’t think I can remember one time when you blurted out one of your obscure facts when you were with her? WILL No. That didn’t start until after she left. It never happened with her. LEX Maybe you’ll find that again or someone who doesn’t mind it? INT. SKYLER PH-ART GALLERY – DAY Gretchen is swarmed by customers and on a cell phone. GRETCHEN Ja, ever since the news report we have been very busy. We are sold out of your national park book and we have over two hundred additional orders. We have also sold at least a dozen limited editions. (beat) Ja, the reporters were here today and did a live interview. (beat) Stop the crazy scehweinhund, but not too quickly. INT. H1 (DRIVING) – DAY Skyler hangs up his phone. COURTNEY So how is the gallery? SKYLER Booming according to Gretchen. COURTNEY Interesting. SKYLER In fact, she said my book is sold out with hundreds of additional orders. So much for your reading theory.
COURTNEY Come on! Your book is filled with pictures! That doesn’t count. You know, that is the book to publish today. Lot’s of pictures. Hmm. Maybe that’s the ticket. Courtney pulls her phone out and makes a call. COURTNEY (CONT’D) WAYNE! I’ve got an idea... EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY Will and the kids exit the diner and walk to the van. They are in a small Utah town. Will enters the van and tries to start it but nothing happens. He tries again and still nothing happens. Will gets out and goes to the front of the van and he searches for the hood latch. Trevor walks over. TREVOR Dad. WILL Yeah son? TREVOR The engine, it’s in the back. WILL Yeah, I think you’re right. Will walks to the back of the van with Trevor and opens the back hatch and stares at all the stuff in the back. WILL (CONT’D) Hmm. Looks like we got some crap to move. Will and Trevor empty the gear out of the back and then take the lid off the engine compartment. Will stares at the engine. TREVOR You have no idea what you’re doing do you? WILL Nope. Lex walks over.
LEX I saw a gas station down the street. They should be able to help. WILL OK. Let’s get this crap back in. They quickly re-pack the van. Trevor shoots through the open roof and Will is annoyed. They walk down the street in silence and pass a bar/restaurant that has a large sign on the window that reads: "Karaoke Contest Tonight! Win $500 Bucks!! No Talent Needed... or Expected." They reach the gas station and JIM is standing outside by the pumps. Jim is a thick, hairy man. WILL (CONT’D) Excuse me. JIM Yeah? WILL Ah, well I can’t get my van to start. Can you look at it? JIM Where’s she at? WILL In front of the diner down the street. JIM Okay, I’ll have to tow her. INT. JIM’S GARAGE – NIGHT Will and the kids watch Jim look the van over. There is an old 1960’s era Westfalia in the back and half a dozen Westfalia posters on the walls. JIM (caresses the van) What in the hell did you do to her? Poor Westfalia? TREVOR Oh, it’s not... Will hits Trevor on the arm. WILL It’s not that bad, is it?
JIM Where’s her roof? And how did she get these burns? WILL Kind of a long story. I just want to get the van going so we can finish our trip. I only get my kids two months out of the year and I don’t want to waste it. Jim circles the van. The gear is pulled out of the van and the engine compartment is open. JIM I can tell you right now that her battery and alternator are gone. It’s this wiring up here that makes me nervous. Jim shows them a cluster of wires in a bulkhead compartment at the top left just below where the roof should be. JIM (CONT’D) These are for her air conditioning and they look a little toasty. I’m gonna have to test them and make sure they’re not the reason her battery and alternator are goners. WILL So, how much do you think this will all cost? Jim scratches his head and does some figuring. JIM Well, the battery is about seventy five bucks. The alternator is about one hundred and twenty. The tow is fifty and labor and chasing down the wires will run about three hundred or so. Will sweats and the kids look nervous. JIM (CONT’D) I’d say about five hundred and fifty when all is said and done. Will just stares at him. JIM (CONT’D) But since you’re a Westfalian, you are a Westfalian right?
Will stares at him and Trevor stares at Will. Trevor smiles. WILL Yes, of course. Westfalian.
I’m... a... proud
JIM Well then, I can do the work for four fifty. Will stares at him more. WILL (quickly) Did you know every episode of Seinfeld has a Superman reference? Jim and the kids stare at Will. WILL (CONT’D) When can I pick it up? JIM Tonight. Around ten. Don’t be late. I got cards with the fellas. WILL Great. See you then. JIM (to the van) Don’t worry sweetie; I’ll take care of you. EXT. SIDEWALK – NIGHT Will and the kids leave the gas station and walk back towards the diner. TREVOR I told you it was a Westfalia! WILL Not now Trevor. They walk in silence. LEX What’s wrong Dad? What was with the Seinfeld fact? They stop next door to the bar with the karaoke contest. Loud MUSIC and BAD SINGING ooze out of the bar.
WILL Uh, I don’t have the money to fix the van. LEX What! TREVOR Come on. You’ve got to have a credit card or something? WILL No. I only use cash and I’m almost out. I have maybe a couple hundred bucks. Silence. LEX Well, you can use our trust money. TREVOR Speak for your own trust money! Lex hits Trevor on the arm. TREVOR (CONT’D) Ouch! OK, don’t get excited. He can use my money too. Will looks at the kids and is impressed by their willingness to help. WILL Thanks kids, I really appreciate it, but I can’t take your money. You’ll need it for Harvard or Devry or the bartending-school I saw advertised at two in the morning. You know they can teach you five hundred drinks, how to free pour and guarantee you a job when you graduate. The kids stare at him. WILL (CON’T) (CONT’D) No, I’m the adult and it’s my job to figure this out. A couple spills out of the bar laughing. MAN LEAVING BAR What a bunch of losers! I love karaoke!
WOMAN LEAVING BAR If I ever have too much to drink and start heading to the stage you have my permission to pick me up and carry me out. That has to be less embarrassing than singing bad sixties tunes. The couple walks off. Will stands rigid. WILL Follow me kids. TREVOR I love a good train wreck! LEX Really Dad, you don’t have to... WILL Don’t worry Sweetie. Everything will be fine. INT. BAR – NIGHT Will charges out of the bathroom looking like a large, hairy Steve Perry as The JOURNEY song, Don’t Stop Believin’, starts. He takes the stage during the opening piano riff. Will’s hair is slicked down and he is wearing a tight undershirt tank top under his black jacket. His chest hair is prominent. At the back of the bar Skyler and Courtney walk in. Skyler heads straight to the bathroom and Courtney takes an open seat next to the stage. Will sees her and catches her eye. They lock eyes and Will walks over to her table and sings the opening lyrics to her while leaning into her. WILL Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world/She took the midnight train goin anywhere/Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit/He took the midnight train goin anywhere Will performs a wild air guitar riff.
WILL (CONT’D) A singer in a smokey room/A smell of wine and cheap perfume/For a smile they can share the night/ It goes on and on and on and on Will continues to sing and dance around the stage. Will finishes the song by Courtney’s table. Courtney is impressed, flattered and embarrassed. The song ends and the bar erupts in applause while Will and Courtney lock eyes again. Lex and Trevor stand and YELL from the back of the bar. The MANAGER jumps on stage. MANAGER Alright! That was awesome! OK, everyone who sang tonight come back on stage. A dozen folks or so leave the crowd and return to the stage. MANAGER (CONT’D) OK, by applause we will choose our winner! The manager goes to each contestant and puts his hand above their head. He gets mixed reviews for each prior singer. While this happens, Will and Courtney exchange more looks and smiles. The Manager goes to Will and puts his hand over his head while the bar CHEERS and Courtney gives him a standing ovation. MANAGER (CONT’D) OK! Looks like we have a winner! Great job! The bar continues to CHEER while Will shakes the Manager’s hand and waves to the crowd. The Manager hands Will his cash prize and he takes the money and returns to the kids. They give him a big hug and as they leave Skyler comes out of the bathroom and joins Courtney. EXT. SIDEWALK – NIGHT Will and the kids head to the gas station. LEX That was great Dad! I’m so proud of you!
TREVOR Who knew you could be so cool in a lame way! WILL Thanks! I guess... INT. JIM’S GARAGE – NIGHT Will and the kids enter the garage. Will still has his Steve Perry look. Jim is in a bright V-neck, sequined dress with lots of chest and back hair and has make-up on with a six o’clock shadow. The Journey song, Send Her My Love is playing. JIM Good timing. I’m done with her. WILL (confused) Terrific. Here’s your money. Will hands him the money. WILL (CONT’D) Thank you very much. JIM No problem. In fact I had a little extra time so I painted this. Jim points to the back of the van and on the upper left is painted: "Westfalia" (the last 'a' is replaced by a red heart). JIM (CONT’D) I thought she looked naked without it. WILL (uncomfortably) A female ferret in heat will die if she can’t find a mate. Trevor smiles. JIM Interesting, I love trivia! Also, I noticed you’re a Journey fan so I thought you would like this. (points to the air where the Journey song is being pumped in) In fact, I had a chance to see some of your performance tonight. (MORE)
87. JIM (CONT'D) I don’t mind saying you make a very handsome Steve Perry. You sang with such passion. You know, I’ve always dreamed about Steve Perry and me on the road... in a Westfalia...
Trevor and Lex smile. WILL Uh, OK, but I have to get going with my kids now. Will ushers the kids in the van and they pull out. JIM I’ve got Seinfeld on in the other room. We can look for Superman! (beat, picks up snake skin) Hmm, I wonder if I should have mentioned that there's a snake loose in the van... and it just got bigger. INT. VAN (MOVING) – NIGHT Will and the kids leave town. The town is completely deserted and they get stuck at a four way stop light. They are the only car at the light or on the road. They are there for a while, just sitting. WILL You know... the average person spends two years of their life sitting at stop lights. TREVOR Aren’t we gonna talk about... WILL NEVER! INT. H1 (MOVING) – DAY Courtney HUMS the Don’t Stop Believin’ Journey song Will sang the night before. SKYLER So you had a good time last night? COURTNEY Yeah. Karaoke is always fun and there was this kooky guy there. He looked sweet. It’s so hard to find a real guy nowadays.
SKYLER Any word from your colleagues? Do they have any leads on our vandal? COURTNEY No. I couldn’t trust them. They’re all looking around Red Rock. We’re on our own. INT. VAN (MOVING) – DAY Will and the kids drive through a mountain pass and they pass a sign that reads: "Welcome to Bryce Canyon." WILL You know what kids; I don’t think we should worry about taking a Skyler photo at this park. I mean, I think we have a lot of pictures already and it would be nice to just relax and enjoy the park. Maybe take some more photos of just us? LEX Sounds good to me Dad. We only have enough film for a dozen or so pictures anyway. SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL AND KIDS TAKING A PICTURE OF THEMSELVES AT THE SPIRE OF BRYCE CANYON B) WILL AND THE KIDS TAKING A PICTURE OF THEMSELVES AT INSPIRATION POINT C) WILL AND THE KIDS TAKING A PICTURE OF THEMSELVES AT HOODOO TOWERS EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT Will and the kids are surrounded by trees and set up camp. They have a fire pit and wood ready to make a fire. WILL Hey son, come here. Trevor walks over and Will hands him the all weather matches. WILL (CONT’D) Make a fire little man. Trevor is surprised and excited. He works on the fire.
LEX I hope you know what you’re doing? WILL I trust him. EXT. BRYCE CANYON - LATER Will and the kids sit around the fire while THUNDER roars in the distance. WILL Thanks kids. LEX For what? WILL For being here. For coming out each summer. I know it’s a drag, but it does mean... well, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend the summer. TREVOR Where're we going next year? LEX I think Dad might be adventured out? WILL No way. You know, I’ve always wanted to go to Tombstone! O.K. Corral, Doc Holliday, Wyatt Earp! TREVOR Sweet! LEX OK, let’s talk about it tomorrow. I’m ready for bed. WILL Good idea. Me too. They put the fire out and go to van. INT. VAN (PARKED) – NIGHT Trevor and Lex pull their top bed out and get their sleeping bags ready.
WILL I’ll sleep up top guys. It'll be cold tonight. The kids take their sleeping bags and set them up on the bottom bed and Will climbs up and gets in his sleeping bag and stares at the stars. WILL (CONT’D) Make sure you zip up tight so Blue Bell doesn't get in your bags. Snakes like the warmth and will try and sleep by your feet. Will zips his mummy bag all the way up, only his face is visible. WILL (CONT’D) This mummy bag is coming in handy after all. Good night. LEX/TREVOR Night. Later. Thunder ROARS close and a drop of rain hits Will on the face through the open van top waking him. WILL Hmm. Water falling at seven miles per hour. Rain! Will scrambles out of his sleeping bag and hops down from the bed. Blue Bell is wrapped around his head like a giant snake turban. WILL (CONT’D) Come on kids. We gotta find my painting tarp. It’s gonna rain. The kids look at him as a flash of lightning strikes and they SCREAM and scramble out of their sleeping bags. They fall over each other and crawl to the side door. WILL (CONT’D) What? Will looks up and sees himself in the rear view mirror with Blue Bell wrapped around his head. WILL (CONT’D) Anacondas can swallow a man whole!
EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT The kids stumble out the van with Will following and Blue Bell is no longer on his head. TREVOR You left the snake in the van! WILL No time for that. It's going to rain. We have to find the tarp. They tear the van apart looking for the tarp and Will finally finds it in his roof bag. By now the rain is coming down hard and Will takes the tarp and shakes it out. WILL (CONT’D) Lex! Go to the other side of the van. I’ll toss you the tarp. Will tosses the tarp over while still holding onto his end. He secures the top on his side with the red tie-down straps and Will walks over and sees Trevor securing the other tiedown straps. WILL (CONT’D) Good job son! The rain is coming down hard and it causes their smoldering fire to smoke. They hurry back in the van. INT. VAN (PARKED) – NIGHT Will and the kids huddle in the van. The rain PITTER PATTERS on the tarp. Slowly, the tarp concaves in as water collects. WILL We need a pole or stick to pitch the tarp so the rain will roll off. Will looks around the van but can’t find anything long enough to work. Lightning flashes and thunder CRACKS right on top of them. Lex and Trevor SCREAM scaring Will. WILL (CONT’D) (quickly) C3PO is the first character to speak in Star Wars! Silence. WILL (CONT’D) It’s OK.
Will looks at the kids and they are scared. The tarp bulges in and Will pushes the tarp forcing the water off. WILL (CONT’D) Lex, you hold the tarp up. I’m going to find the hatchet and cut down a branch to use for a pole. Will searches for the hatchet. He leaves the van with the hatchet and a small flashlight. EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT Will trudges through the rain with his small light into the forest. The thunder continues. INT. VAN (PARKED) – NIGHT Lex stands holding the tarp. Trevor watches Will enter the forest and sees a black bear come out of the forest and then go back in. TREVOR Holy shit! LEX Hey! Watch your mouth! Mom is not going to be happy... TREVOR Bear! Dad! Bear! LEX What are you talking about? TREVOR I saw a bear! It followed Dad. Trevor scrambles around the van and grabs two pans and opens the side door. LEX You can’t go out there! TREVOR He’s our Dad! EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT SERIES OF SHOTS: A) WILL HACKS AT A BRANCH. B) THE BEAR LUMBERS ALONG IN THE DARK FOREST. HE SNIFFS THE AIR AND SNARLS.
C) TREVOR RUNS FROM THE VAN INTO THE FOREST. D) WILL PULLS ON THE CUT BRANCH. E) THE BEAR WALKS FASTER. F) TREVOR BANGS HIS PANS. G) WILL STOPS AND LISTENS TO THE PANS. H) THE BEAR STOPS AND LISTENS TO THE PANS. I) TREVOR BURSTS THROUGH THE BUSHES RUNNING INTO WILL. J) THUNDER BOOMS. WILL (quickly) Ah!! The crack of a bullwhip is a tiny sonic boom! They stare at each other. WILL (CONT’D) What are you... ? TREVOR (breathing heavy) Bear! Just then, the bear crashes through the bushes GROWLING. WILL/TREVOR Ah!!! Trevor throws the pans at the bear and he and Will run toward the van. WILL (looking at Trevor while running) Squirrels climb trees faster than they run! (beat) Thirteen people die a year from falling vending machines! (beat) The Venus Flytrap can eat a whole cheeseburger! They stare at each other while they run. TREVOR Lex! The side door!
The bear chases them and is close. INT. VAN (PARKED) – NIGHT Lex opens the side door and sees Will and Trevor running hard. The bear is right behind them. Will and Trevor leap into the van and Lex closes the door just as the bear SLAMS into it. LEX Ah! EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT The bear is shaken from slamming into the van and he catches the tarp on his claw and accidentally pulls it off onto himself. He circles and shakes the tarp off and walks to the van, SNIFFS and then stands on his hind feet looking into the van and SNARLS showing his teeth. INT. VAN (PARKED) – NIGHT The van rocks side to side while Will and the kids look up and see the bear looking down at them through the open roof. LEX Ah! TREVOR We’re in a giant lunch box! WILL Deer like to eat marijuana! EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT The bear pushes on the van as a row of extremely bright headlights suddenly appear and a loud horn BLARES. The bear looks at the lights and runs away. INT. VAN (PARKED) – NIGHT Will and the kids collapse on the ground. TREVOR What was that? EXT. BRYCE CANYON – NIGHT Will and the kids stumble out of the van and stand in the beam of lights. While they stand in front of an H1 with a light rack of large round lights, Courtney and Skyler step out.
WILL Oh, sweet Jesus! You saved our lives! TREVOR We were a midnight snack for sure. Will and Courtney recognize each other from the bar. COURTNEY (to Will softly) It’s you. WILL (softly) It’s me. SKYLER (growls) It’s you! WILL (concerned) It’s me. SKYLER (to Will) That’s him! He’s the vandal. WILL Aren’t you the guy who attacked us in Zion? LEX Is that you Skyler... I mean Mr. Walker? Skyler looks confused. LEX (CONT’D) I’m such a fan. SKYLER A fan that defiles my work. You people have disgraced art. The whole country is looking for you, trying to stop you before you destroy another park. Will and the kids are confused. SKYLER (CONT’D) We only found you because of the smoke from your fire. We thought you might be burning another tree.
WILL What are you talking about? I’m just spending the summer with my kids. So I decided to copy your book; I’m not trying to destroy anything. I just wanted to get to know my kids. Skyler picks up cans of paint. SKYLER Really! I suppose the bumper you left in Death Valley accidentally got tied to a rock at Race Track. Or the cave at the Grand Canyon painted itself. Or the tree in Bryce split on its own and caught fire and somehow your roof just ended up there... COURTNEY OK Skyler, they get the picture. Look... WILL Will. My name is Will Duesenberg. And yours? Courtney blushes. COURTNEY Courtney Rivers. I’m a TV journalist and I’d like an interview with the famous Skyler Vandal... that’s you, in case you didn’t know. WILL I’m not famous and I’m sorry if I have become a vandal. I just wanted to spend time with my kids. I had no idea we created such a ruckus. TREVOR Why didn’t you just check out the news on your cell phone? Will shoots Trevor an angry look. SKYLER Do you call ruining my life’s work spending time with your kids...
Trevor puts his fingers to his head and pretends to pull the trigger of an imaginary pistol. Skyler is in the shadows. TREVOR Booooring! SKYLER What’s that boy? You want to play Russian Roulette? Skyler slowly walks out of the shadows and takes his bandanna from around his neck and ties it around his head. SKYLER (CONT’D) I’ll teach you something about Russian Roulette. Skyler bends down and takes a handful of mud and smears it on his face. SKYLER (CONT’D) Charlie taught me how to play! They were experts. Yes, I’ll show you something exciting my young ignorant comrade. Skyler pulls out a nickel plated .38 revolver from behind his back. COURTNEY Skyler! What are you doing? Where did you get that gun! Will and the kids stare at the gun. SKYLER I’m used to playing in a bamboo cage... but this will have to do. Skyler opens the revolver cylinder and empties the cartridges into his hand. He puts one cartridge back in the cylinder and SPINS it and then throws the rest in the mud. SKYLER (CONT’D) Only need one for this game trooper. Skyler walks to Trevor who is frozen stiff. SKYLER (CONT’D) You see, you take turns pulling the trigger. It’s like being on Hell’s merry-go-round. Charlie finished the game with bang. I’ll start us off.
Skyler puts the gun to his head. Will rushes Skyler and forces the gun up and it fires with a flash and BANG. WILL (quickly) Koalas have two penises! Will and Skyler fall to the ground and Will takes the gun from Skyler. A monkey falls out of the tree at their feet. It is shot dead and everyone stares at it first then Will. TREVOR Stop talking about animals with two penises! COURTNEY A monkey? A dead monkey? What’s a monkey doing out here? LEX Poor monkey. TREVOR Typical for this funky trip. WILL Well, actually miners back in the nineteenth century used monkeys to make sure their air was OK. After the mine dried up they set them free and their offspring are still out here. They all stare at Will. SKYLER (looks at the monkey) What happened? Why am I covered in mud. What have I done? I’m ruined. LEX You didn’t actually break any laws. SKYLER No, I broke the law of Nature! Killing a defenseless animal. Once my fans learn what I’ve done I’ll be ruined. Will looks at Skyler, then his kids and finally Courtney. WILL This is my fault...
LEX Dad! WILL Did you know David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day? (beat) It’s my day to be president. Everyone looks at him like he’s crazy. WILL (CONT’D) I will take the blame for the monkey and for any damage we did to the parks. I didn’t mean any harm, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Kids, will you visit me on Death Row? COURTNEY I don’t think they’ll have to do that. My hunch is a short stint in jail, maybe probation if you get lucky? And plenty of fines. You know, it’s nice to see a real man take responsibility. Do you like Trivial Pursuit? EXT. BRYCE CANYON - LATER The sun rises and the campground is cleared and both cars are packed. COURTNEY OK, let’s get back to Vegas. Will, I will arrange it so that you can surrender yourself without too much hassle. I’d like to get your interview before things get crazy. We drive together in your van and the kids can drive with Skyler in Bruiser. TREVOR Cool! I get to drive in a Hummer with a crazy man! Lex walks to Will and pulls him aside. LEX You know, for a reporter she seems pretty nice.
WILL Yeah, I guess. LEX And she likes trivia. Will looks at Lex and gives her a hug. Lex and Trevor get in the H1 and Courtney and Will get in the van. COURTNEY OK Will, we’re gonna have a few hours so why don’t you start from the beginning. Don’t leave anything out. (beat) And why don’t you show me those pictures you took as well. (beat) You know, my agent Wayne might be able to do something with those pictures... Blue Bell slithers in the background. INT. NEWS ROOM – DAY The news anchors sit at their desk. ANCHORMAN Well, after weeks of searching our very own Courtney Rivers has found the Skyler Vandal and we have the exclusive interview. ANCHORWOMAN Yes, and you can see it in its entirety tonight at eleven PM. ANCHORMAN We understand that he is going to plead guilty to all charges... INT. SKYER PH-ART GALLERY – DAY Skyler and Gretchen watch the news report. GRETCHEN Send the dunkopf to the stahlag! Killing an innocent monkey. My family in the Fatherland would know what to do with him. Skyler stares at the TV and the crowd in his gallery.
INT. COURTHOUSE – LAS VEGAS – DAY Will stands before the JUDGE. Lex, Trevor and their mother are in the gallery and Courtney is with the other reporters. JUDGE Mr. Duesenberg, you understood the charges and you are pleading guilty. WILL Yes your Honor. JUDGE OK... Skyler bursts in. SKYLER Wait! Please let me speak. The room quiets. SKYLER (CONT’D) Before you throw the book at him. I thought you should know that Will isn’t a bad man. In fact, he’s really a good man. Everyone stares at Skyler. SKYLER (CONT’D) What he lacks in common sense, and that is a lot by the way... Will nods. SKYLER (CONT’D) He makes up for in kindness and passion. Passion for his kids. He just wanted to connect with them. And that’s good. Now, I don’t think all parents should go out and paint the parks, but they could learn something from him. (beat) I know I did. Well, that is all I had to say. Except, please keep that in mind when you are sending him to the big house. The courtroom applauds. JUDGE Order! Order!
The courtroom quiets down. JUDGE (CONT’D) Thank you Mr. Walker for your impassioned words, but I’m not sending Mr. Duesenberg to the big house today. I’m just taking a plea. I’ll send him to the big house next week during sentencing, but your speech is noted. Please don’t come back next week. Who uses big house nowadays? OK, Mr. Duesenberg, can you make bail? WILL No... TREVOR/LEX Yes! JUDGE Which is it? LEX Yes your Honor. My brother and I posted bail today. JUDGE (slams the gavel) OK then, Court adjourned. Will runs to the kids and hugs them. The reporters follow and take pictures. WILL I don’t understand? How did you get the money for bail? TREVOR We used our trust. LEX It’s really your money anyway. Will looks confused and Courtney walks up behind him. TREVOR Yeah, Mom explained that our trust is from all the money you’ve been sending all these years. LEX Even though she told you not too, especially after she got re-married but you kept sending it anyway.
TREVOR And by the looks of it you’ve been sending everything you have and then some. Will stares at them. WILL I wanted to do something right by you two. I guess I knew where my passion was all along. I love you guys! Will and the kids hug and Courtney looks on with pride. EXT. COURTHOUSE – DAY Reporters wait for Will and he stops at the top of the steps in front of several microphones. The kids and Courtney are behind him. REPORTER #1 How much time in jail do you think you will get? REPORTER #2 Are you really selling a book with your Polaroids? Will looks past the reporters at a giant neon Flamingo that shines in the sun. WILL (quickly) Flamingos can only eat when their heads are upside down. Credits roll up with a JOURNEY song. SERIES OF POLAROID SHOTS: A) WILL STEPPING OUT OF THE VAN IN THE OUTDOOR UNIVERSE PARKING LOT. B) LEX GASPING FOR AIR AFTER THE PICTOGRAPH PHOTO. C) THE BUMPER FLYING OFF THE VAN AT RACE TRACK. D) WILL AND THE KIDS PAINTING FLOWERS AT STOVE PIPE. E) THE NATIVE AMERICANS SMOKING PEACE PIPES IN THE RED CAVE. F) WILL AND THE KIDS STANDING IN THE VAN WITH THEIR HEADS STICKING OUT OF THE ROOF.
G) WILL AND STEVE PERRY SIGNING. H) THE BEAR WALKING IN THE FOREST WITH WILL'S LAMP IN HIS MOUTH. I) THE MONKEY PRETENDING TO SHOOT SKYLER J) WILL AND COURTNEY HOLDING THEIR PUBLISHED BOOK: THE PH-ART VANDAL. K) WILL WORKING AT SKYLER'S GALLERY; THEIR BOOKS SELLING SIDE BY SIDE. L) GRETCHEN EYEING WILL SUSPICIOUSLY AS BLUE BELL SLITHERS BY. M) WILL AND COURTNEY AT A VEGAS CHAPEL GETTING MARRIED. N) WILL, COURTNEY, LEX, AND TREVOR IN THE VAN AT TOMBSTONE. INT. NEWS ROOM – DAY The anchors at their desk off camera. ANCHORMAN Photo... Art... Ph-Art! Are you kidding me? What dribble. ANCHORWOMAN Don’t forget Wefückya! Total crap. Isn’t there something more interesting in the world to talk about besides this? Are we between elections? ANCHORMAN Thank God this story is over! THE END