Sunday, August 31, 2014 THE NEW MEXICAN
FAMILY
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Is 5-year-old touching normal or serious? on that in a moment) and may be defensive Question: Our 5-year-old grandson sees on their part. Today’s parents are notorious his 5-year-old female first cousin from time for minimizing behavior problems and even to time. After they play for a while, he tells denying that their kids misbehave her he wants to “touch” her. This at all. has happened twice in recent months. Her parents are very upset, On the one hand, this may be but our grandson’s parents read simple curiosity on your grandson’s lots of parenting books and seem to part. Boys usually initiate the agethink it’s no big deal. Your thoughts old “you show me yours and I’ll on this matter? show you mine” game, and a boy Answer: This is one of those will usually propose this particular subjects that’s impossible for me to exchange to a female playmate tackle without infuriating someone. around age 5. In and of itself, the John Oh, well, so be it. It’s an important fact that some touching occurs durRosemond ing these exchanges is nothing to issue, so tackle it I will, without regard for the soon-to-be incoming be greatly upset about. Touching, Living With missiles. mind you, not fondling. Children I can’t tell how serious this is On the other hand, it’s possible on a scale of 1 to 10, and to some that your grandson’s normal desire degree that’s a very subjective matto know what female bodies look ter. It would appear from your description like has become intensified by something he that the girl’s parents give it a 10, and undersaw in a magazine or a video. Unfortunately standably so. If I were in their shoes, I’d give (the question of whether such material is it an 11. The fact that the boy’s parents assign even appropriate for adults aside), adults are it little importance is disrespectful (more sometimes lazy about making sure that mate-
rial of that sort is out of the reach of children. If your grandson has been “sexualized” through some medium or experience, then his behavior is more than mere curiosity and merits considerable concern and firm, resolute action on the part of his parents. When all is said and done, if one set of parents — the girl’s, in this case — is upset about these episodes, then that becomes the default position. In that event, the boy’s parents need to make perfectly clear to him that this behavior is not to happen again and make equally clear that if it does, there will be meaningful consequences. They should also require that he apologize to his cousin in front of both sets of parents and promise her that it won’t happen again. Their low rating of the seriousness of these episodes isn’t relevant. They should take this approach out of respect for the girl’s parents. Adults need to stick together in matters of this sort. Visit family psychologist John Rosemond’s website at www.johnrosemond.com.
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Family calendar Sunday, Aug. 31 FIESTA ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR: The market on the Plaza, 9 a.m to 5 p.m., features hand-made jewelry, pottery, clothing, leatherwork, paintings, photography, wood products and more. MARIACHI EXTRAVAGANZA DE SANTA FE: A passionate musical experience of traditional, contemporary and classical styles by internationally known artists and rising stars in the genre of mariachi; 7 p.m. at the Santa Fe Community Convention Center, 201 W. Marcy Street; $35 at the door. FIESTA DE LOS NIÑOS: A CHILDREN’S CELEBRATION: Games, crafts and entertainment for the whole family at El Rancho de las Golondrinas, a living history museum in La Cienega south of Santa Fe; 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.; all children under 12 get in free. Adult tickets are $8; seniors and teens 13-18, $6; 334 Los Pinos Road. PERFORMANCE SANTA FE ORCHESTRA: Opening performance; music of Strauss, Saint-Saëns, and Jack Waldenmaier; performers include soprano Audrey Luna, mezzosoprano Karin Mushegain, and young violinist Phoenix Avalon, family preview 1 p.m., $25, $10 (accompanied by a child); concert 4 p.m. at the Lensic Performing Arts Center, $27-$100, 988-1234, ticketssantafe.org.
Monday, Sept. 1 FIESTA ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR: The market on the Plaza, 9 a.m to 5 p.m., features hand-made jewelry, pottery, clothing, leatherwork, paintings, photography, wood products and more. SANTA FE PUBLIC LIBRARIES CLOSED: All libraries will be closed for the Labor Day holiday. NATURE PLAYTIMES: Toddlers, preschoolers and their caregivers are invited to the Pajarito Environmental Education Center in Los Alamos to explore the natural world from 10 to 11 a.m. Each Playtime features a craft, story and outside activity; no charge; 3540 Orange St.; call 662-0460.
Tuesday, Sept. 2
A mother’s grief
Memoir chronicles author’s struggle after death of her son
Wednesday, Sept. 3
By Nora Krug
STORY TIME: For ages 3-5, 10:30 a.m. at Bee Hive Kids Books, 328 Montezuma Ave. CHILDREN’S STORY HOUR: Readings from picture books for children up to age 5; 10:45 to 11:30 a.m. at Collected Works Bookstore, 202 Galisteo St.; no charge, 988-4226. PRESCHOOL STORY TIME: Stories, rhymes, songs, crafts and more for children ages 2 to 5 from 10:30 to 11 a.m. at the Southside Branch Library, 6599 Jaguar Drive; 955-4863. BOOKS AND BABIES: Children can enjoy books, songs and finger games from 10:30 to 11 a.m. at the Oliver La Farge Branch Library, 1730 Llano St.; 955-4863. CONCIERTO DE MARIACHI: A concert featuring performances from well-known mariachi groups, dancers and alumni of the Santa Fe Fiesta Council’s Youth Mariachi Workshop, 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. at the Lensic Performing Arts Center. Immediately after the concerts, participants are provided refreshments and biscochitos. Call 988-1234.
The Washington Post
he beginning of the school year can be emotional for any parent, but it is particularly wrenching for Anna Whiston-Donaldson. In 2011, on his second day of seventh grade, her 12-year-old son, Jack, drowned in a flooded and raging creek near their home in Vienna, Va. Whiston-Donaldson worked out her feelings in real time on her blog, An Inch of Gray, a place where she had previously posted funny things her kids said, quips about her marriage, her thrift-store finds and, of course, pictures of her kids on their first day of school. Now, nearly three years after Jack died, she is about to publish a book: Rare Bird, a memoir about his death and her slow emergence from a cloud of shock and grief. “I’d much rather have Jack than a book,” says Whiston-Donaldson in an interview at her home. “But if I’m going to have a book, I want something good to come out of it.” Perhaps, she says, her story will offer help and hope to those in mourning and “soften the hearts” of those who cross their paths. Her message, she says, is universal: “Everyone grieves. Everyone in life is going to experience profound disappointment. We all have the opportunity to walk beside someone in crisis.” Sitting at the table in her sunny kitchen, Whiston-Donaldson is candid and self-deprecating. “I try to be real and honest,” she says of herself and her book, “But I’m not an expert on grief. It’s just my experience.” She turns more tender, her voice softens, when asked about Jack. “He would have been awesome in high school,” she says. In recent months, she has found it especially difficult to watch his friends grow older while Jack stays locked at age 12. In their house, reminders of her son are everywhere. A dresser with his clothes sits in her bedroom; his baseball bat and helmet are in the garage. Her home office offers a snapshot of a creative, nature-loving child — on a table stands a Taj Mahal Lego set he built, on a shelf is a spaghetti jar filled with the cicada shells he collected in 2004. Her book is filled with anecdotes about Jack, but she did not intend it to be a tribute to him. “That wouldn’t be helpful,” she says — to herself, or to her readers. She also understands that some people will be afraid to read her memoir. “Once I had kids, I stopped reading Oprah books, because I just didn’t want to be sad.” Her book is sad. But it is also eloquent and affecting in its self-awareness. This is a “story of a woman who has suffered profound, crushing disappointment, whose plan didn’t pan out, whose heart has been broken by life, and who is wondering if she’s alone in her pain,” Whiston-Donaldson writes in the introduction.
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Still struggling with grief The portrait Whiston-Donaldson, 44, draws of her life before the event is one of suburban idyll — a happy marriage to Tim, a patent
PRESCHOOL STORY TIME: Stories, rhymes, songs, crafts and more for children ages 2 to 5 from 10:30 to 11:15 a.m.; Oliver La Farge Branch Library, 1730 Llano St.; 955-4860. BOOKS AND BABIES: Children can come and enjoy books, songs and finger games from 10:30 to 11 a.m.; Main Library, 145 Washington Ave.; call 955-6783.
Thursday, Sept. 4
ABOVE: The Whiston-Donaldson family, from left: Jack, Anna, Margaret and Tim at the beach in Rodanthe, N.C. FAMILY PHOTO
CHILDREN’S STORY HOUR: Readings from picture books for children up to age 5; 10:45 to 11:30 a.m. at Collected Works Bookstore, 202 Galisteo St.; no charge, call 988-4226. TRY IT THURSDAYS: Children 16 and under are free on Thursdays after 4 p.m. at the Santa Fe Children’s Museum, 1050 Old Pecos Trail; call 989-8359. BOOKS AND BABIES: Children ages 6 months to 2 years can enjoy books, songs and finger games from 10:30 to 11 a.m. at the Southside Branch Library, 6599 Jaguar Drive; 955-4863.
LEFT: A cross marks the spot where Jack Donaldson’s body was found in Vienna, Va. He was caught in a flash flood in September 2011.
Friday, Sept. 5
lawyer; two healthy children who said their prayers before bed; a fulfilling part-time job at her church bookstore. The day her son died, with the power out from a storm, her children were happily doing their homework by candlelight — a scene so Little House on the Prairie that she felt compelled to share it on Facebook. Then came a knock on the door. Did Jack and his sister, Margaret, then 10, want to come out in the rain and play? They got a “quick ‘Go for it!’ from me,” Whiston-Donaldson writes, and ran outside. “I don’t know how many times I’d told them of the crazy fun my sister and I had tromping through the flooded dips and valleys of our own yard as kids, but I do know I had told them,” she writes. “I wish I had never told them.” The last time she saw them together, her children were walking down their driveway, Jack “still in his school uniform of navy polo and long khaki shorts, arms raised to the sky.” Margaret returned less than an hour later, alone. Whiston-Donaldson says she still doesn’t know exactly what happened. Some of the book’s most harrowing scenes describe her frantic efforts to find her son, racing along the side of the creek in her car with Margaret crying in the back seat, and the immediate aftermath of his death. Even more brutal is her chronicle of the two years following the accident, as she tries to accept her loss. She is unsparing, not least on herself. “I feel a loss of credibility as a mother,” she writes, “a sense of shame and despair hangs over me. Can I still weigh in on parenthood, as a friend and a ‘mommy blogger,’ when I’ve lost my child?” There’s also the realization that tragedy doesn’t undo petty anger — “The sound of Tim’s chewing his cereal makes me want to crawl out of my skin as it always has” — and the acknowledgment
Kid’s take on movies The Identical Ryan to give him a better life. Although the boys have different By Brianna B., 14 lives, they both share their pasKIDS FIRST! Critic sion for music. Drexel performs as a famous rock star while Ryan The Identical is struggles between pleasing his a great film with a powerful mes- parents and following his dreams. sage and fantastic storyline that This film has great music, famalways keeps you guessing. It’s ily principles and really zones really an enjoyable film to see. in on finding and following your Twins, Ryan Wade and Drexel dreams. I also like its captivating Hemsley (Blake Rayne) are sepaand unique story that is beautirated at birth, for financial reafully portrayed on the big screen. sons, during the Great Depression. It’s set in 1936, way before my time, but I still enjoyed watching A preacher and his wife adopt
that she can’t stay this way — “Can’t I show him the grace in the little things when he has shown me the grace in the biggest things of all, by not blaming me for letting the kids play in the rain?” She describes the challenges faced by her daughter, who is simultaneously bereft and brave, and the shift in her relationships with her friends and neighbors.
Moving forward Whiston-Donaldson wrote much of the book at a Panera restaurant in a strip mall in Tysons Corner, Va.. She finished in November 2013, a few months after the family moved into a new house about two miles from the spot where Jack’s body was found. “I feel lighter here,” she says, away from Jack’s old friends and the house he grew up in. With the book’s publication comes the realization, she says, tearfully, that “I’m one year farther from being with Jack.” She’s still grieving, she says, but “I feel increasingly less stricken.” For his part, Tim recognizes how valuable writing — both the blog and the book — has been for his wife. “I can be there for her as a husband,” he says, “but I can’t fulfill the role of 1,000 anonymous supporters being there for her on a daily basis.” He has been reading her blog from the start and says it has helped him understand what his wife is going through, even before the accident. As for the book, he says, he has read it once, alone. “Is it hard?” he asks. “Yes.” But, he adds, “the more I go back there, it becomes less hard to talk about.” His wife draws comfort not only from her writing and her community — online and off — but also from her experience and that of her family. “I was raised as a free-range kid and I survived,” she writes in her book, and she is trying to instill that sense of adventure in her daughter, who has gone whitewater rafting with the Girl Scouts. And despite it all, Whiston-Donaldson says, “I still like rain.”
and listening to the music. Blake Ryan plays both of the twins and is able to keep their characters separate. At the same time, he projects the intense connection that twins have between each other. The wardrobe, hairstyles and historical props all contribute to the rich details that create this special period piece. My favorite scene is when Ryan listens and looks at his twin brother’s record album and he does not notice that he looks and sounds exactly like him. This scene is funny because you question why he wouldn’t notice it. It seems so obvious that you can’t help but feel bad
for him. My favorite character is Ryan’s mother, Louise Wade (Ashley Judd), because she is very kind and has a light spirit when you look at her and hear her beautiful voice. You somehow know that she only wants the best for her son. I love the powerful message in this film, which is to follow your dreams. It’s your life, so work hard to fulfill your dreams and it will make you happy. I recommend The Identical for all the music lovers at heart ages 10 to 18. I give this film 4 out of 5 stars as I really enjoyed the music, the story line and the message. The Identical rocks into theaters on Sept. 5.
GARDEN SPROUTS: Stories and hands-on activities for children ages 3 to 5 with a caregiver from 9 to 10 a.m., weather permitting; sponsored by the Santa Fe Botanical Garden and Railyard Stewards. Meet at the Santa Fe Botanical Garden on Museum Hill, 725 Camino Lejo. $5 suggested donation; free to members and children under 12. PRESCHOOL STORY TIME: Stories, rhymes and crafts for children ages 2 to 5 from 11 to 11:30 a.m. at the Main Library, 145 Washington Ave., 955-6783. LIBRARIES CLOSE EARLY: All Santa Fe Public Libraries will close at 1 p.m. for the Fiesta de Santa Fe celebrations. LOS ALAMOS SCIENCE FEST: The weeklong event kicks off with a talk on the Mars rover Curiosity at 6:30 p.m. at Central Park, a performance by the band Whitewater Ramble at 7 p.m. at Ashley Pond Park and an 8 p.m. “Observe the Moon” night with rangers at Bandelier National Monument. Visit www.losalamossciencefestival.com. FIESTA ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR: The market on the Plaza, 9 a.m to 5 p.m., features hand-made jewelry, pottery, clothing, leatherwork, paintings, photography, wood products and more. SANTA FE FIESTA ENTRADA: Witness the re-enactment of General Don Diego de Vargas and his cuadrilla who assisted in the resettlement of Santa Fe in September 1692, 2 to 3 p.m. on the Plaza. Entertainment and food booths on the Plaza all day.
Saturday, Sept. 6 MAIN LIBRARY CLOSED: The Santa Fe Public Library System’s Main Library downtown will be closed for Fiesta de Santa Fe celebrations. FIESTA ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR: The market on the Plaza, 9 a.m to 5 p.m., features hand-made jewelry, pottery, clothing, leatherwork, paintings, photography, wood products and more. Meet the artists, discuss their work and take home a treasure. SEARCH AND RESCUE PRESENTATION: The Santa Fe Search and Rescue Group presents a discussion on how to prepare yourself for anything when you’re planning to go on a walk in the woods, 10 a.m. at the Performance Space at La Tienda in Eldorado. ROCKET DAY AT LOS ALAMOS SCIENCE FEST: This festival feature, from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at White Rock Overlook Park, includes the launching of at least 220 model rockets over a period of a few hours; sponsored by the Los Alamos National Laboratory and organized by the local National Association of Rocketry Section 517 (Zia Spacemodelers), the Los Alamos Kiwanis Club, and Girl Scout Troop 116. Former space shuttle astronaut John Phillips will be on hand. DESFILE DE LOS NIÑOS (PET PARADE): This Fiesta de Santa Fe favorite starts at 9 a.m. and meanders through downtown. Lineup is at the New Mexico School For the Arts, 275 E. Alameda St. Visit www.santafefiesta.org for more information.
Sunday, Sept. 7 FIESTA ARTS AND CRAFTS FAIR: The market on the Plaza, 9 a.m to 5 p.m., features hand-made jewelry, pottery, clothing, leatherwork, paintings, photography, wood products and more. SANTA FE PUBLIC LIBRARIES CLOSED: All libraries will be closed for Fiesta de Santa Fe celebrations. LOS ALAMOS SCIENCE FEST: John Phillips, former LANL staff member and NASA astronaut, will relate the construction and operation of the International Space Station, based on his three trips to the orbital outpost, 4 to 5 p.m. at the Bradbury Science Museum in Los Alamos. DESFILE DE LA GENTE: This popular parade, also called the Historical/Hysterical Parade, will be held at 1 p.m. It features local marching bands, mariachis, sports teams, queens, floats and politicians of every color. Event registration is on the day of the parade at the corner of Alamo Drive and Guadalupe Street. Visit www.santafefiesta.org.