THE LAUNDRY LIST OF RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS A PARTIAL REGISTRY OF THE HAZARDS OF INTIMACY
Lori Heyman Gordon and Seth Eisenberg. Illustrations by Rae Maté.
PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
For Lori Heyman Gordon, whose love and legacy lives on in our shared commitment to the safer, saner, more loving world we know is possible, and A PARTIAL REGISTRY OF THE HAZARDS OF INTIMACY to all whose relationships begin in hope and must be sustained by knowledge, skill and goodwill.
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Published by Purpose Built Families Foundation 201 SE 2nd Street Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301 USA (877) PAIRS-4U - (877) 724-7748 Email: support@pbfamilies.org Online at www.pairs.tools Originally published as “A Laundry List of Marital Mishaps, Knots and Double Binds”. Library of Congress Registrations: TXu000039143 (22 Aug 1979), TX0002634854 (5 Sep 1989). ISBN 9798420510575 Manufactured in the United States of America. “The Laundry List of Relationship Mishaps, Knots and Double Binds: A Partial Registry of the Hazards of Intimacy” includes copyrighted and proprietary information. All rights to publication and distribution of this material are reserved exclusively to Purpose Built Families Foundation. Except as indicated, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without advance permission in writing from the publisher. Copyright © Purpose Built Families Foundation. All Rights Reserved. Supplementary material online at purposebuiltfamilies.com
THE LAUNDRY LIST OF RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS A PARTIAL REGISTRY OF THE HAZARDS OF INTIMACY Lori Heyman Gordon and Seth Eisenberg. Illustrations by Rae Maté.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
A LAUNDRY LIST
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
DOUBLE BINDS
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
UNTANGLING A LOVE KNOT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
LORI HEYMAN GORDON January 31, 1929 - March 21, 2019
On what would have been my mother’s 93rd birthday, Purpose Built Families Foundation is proud to share this updated edition of one of mom’s most lasting contributions to the potential for human relationships: her thoughtful exploration and logical reconstruction of the assumptions, myths and falacies that often cause us to lose our closest relationships. Nearly half a century since mom first published five pages of “Marital Mishaps, Knots and Double Binds” (1979), her insights from experiences with thousands of couples struggling to restore love and intimacy remain as relevant and important as ever. This new edition, delightfully illustrated by artist Rae Maté, is for all those whose relationships begin in hope and must be sustained by knowledge, skill and goodwill. Seth Eisenberg, President/CEO Purpose Built Families Foundation January 31, 2022
DEDICATION...to Virginia Satir, Beloved teacher, pathfinder, mentor, and friend, whose unlimited vision provided a beacon of inspiration and creativity.
“
WE KNOW WE ARE WITHDRAWING, EITHER BY SHRINKING AWAY IN PAIN FROM OUR PARTNER OR BY CHASING THEM OFF WITH ANGER. WE KNOW WE JUST WANT TO BE AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE THEY MAKE US ANGRY OR MAKE US FEEL HURT. BUT WHY?
“
PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
INTRODUCTION A simple caress from your husband feels like a sudden burn. You flinch and tell him to stop. You reach to hug your lover and he acts as if he’s being sucked into a tremendous storm and yanks away without a word. You know by now that asking what’s wrong just makes it worse and leave the room. Home slowly divides into my-and-your territories with the kitchen and bathroom serving as demilitarized zones. The bedroom is a quiet “Twilight Zone” where temporary truces are called and broken, over and over and over again. The thoughts during such times, sometimes spoken, sometimes kept hidden, are simple, sharp, and indisputable commands, ranging from a whispered and pained “Just leave me alone” to a furious “Go to hell!” But when the enemy is gone and the threat has receded, you have time to think, not just react. Maybe you recall how much you once loved to be touched or held and begin to wonder how that same gesture has come to mean something frightening, something that threatens to restrain or hurt rather than comfort. Maybe you fantasize about somebody else, a coworker or someone you met at a party. And maybe you just sit in the dark and let your brain shout one question over and over again, a question you might never ask the person with whom you share your life: “What happened?” We know we are withdrawing, either by shrinking away in pain from our partner or by chasing them off with anger. We know we just want to be away from them because they make us angry or make us feel hurt. But why? Frequently, we never find an answer to that question and when we get tired of struggling to find the answer we eventually shrug it off with a “who knows and who cares” and cope with the situation as best we can, either by letting it perpetuate or by leaving. We give up.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
We rarely ask ourselves why we expect certain things or particular behavior from the people we love. If we did, we might be surprised at some of the unfair demands we unconsciously make of our lovers, partners, family, closest friends, significant others, and in some cases, with neighbors and co-workers too. And we might be surprised that we can, indeed, figure out “what happened” when our closest relationships breakdown. There are answers, and frequently the answers give us the tools we need to revive a relationship we desperately would like to count on and preserve. Identifying the hidden expectations each of us brings to a relationship is an important step to untangling current or potential trouble spots. We expect things of intimates that we rarely expect of anyone else. The understanding we expect of our partner and the expectations we assume our partner has of us are very specific, but we seldom acknowledge them. They can become a private litmus test we put people through without knowing it, and they flunk when we experience a totally surprising feeling of betrayal or disappointment when we realize that what we expected is not what another person expected or is even capable of responding to. All of these expectations are based on hidden assumptions that we have developed through a lifetime, many of them faulty ones. Some are passed down generationally. Many of these beliefs have to do with talking about what we think or want. For example: “If you loved me, you would know what I think (feel, want).” The logic that follows is: “You don’t, so you don’t care about me.” Implicit here is the belief that if someone loves you, you shouldn’t have to say what’s in your mind and heart; they will know. This simply isn’t true. The only way to be sure you know what another person expects is to ask. You must make your expectations explicit. To expect other people to read your mind is to court disaster. Another cluster of unhealthy assumptions has to do with expressing feelings: “if I tell you how I feel, you will be angry. I am afraid of your anger, so I can’t tell you.” Or, “If I tell you how I feel, you will be upset, so I live a lie.” Then there are the - 10 -
PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
counterparts: “If you are in pain, I should be able to fix it. I can’t fix it, so I won’t acknowledge that I see it.” Or: “If you are in pain, I feel I should be able to fix it. I don’t know how to fix it, so I feel inadequate. I withdraw from you, blame you, when you are in pain.” Underlying these assumptions is the belief that we are responsible for the way another person feels. This is not true. We are responsible for our own behavior and the way we express ourselves. We may try to avoid hurtful behaviors and expressions, but we cannot prevent others from experiencing pain, fear, and anger. What we can do is listen with empathy when others want to express their feelings, because expressing those feelings will allow those feelings to diminish. And then we can talk about what caused those feelings, to see whether anything can be done about the cause. So one key to finding out “what happened” is ferreting out from our subconscious this “laundry list” of faulty assumptions, the cannibals that devour relationships that we subject ourselves and others to. Once we identify those assumptions, we can examine and reject them and replace them with more positive attitudes and beliefs that allow us to grow closer to others, not run away. Some frequent erroneous beliefs are: •
If you loved me, you could read my mind...
•
Differences mean one must be bad, wrong...
•
Closeness is dangerous...
•
If I need you, that means I am weak...
•
A loving partner must always do what the other wants...
•
A woman should always be patient, nurturing, understanding...
•
A man should know everything, be able to do everything, fix everything...
•
Strong feelings are dangerous; pain, fear, anger, love, pleasure, need...
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
A Laundry List of Relationship Mishaps, Knots, and Double Binds is a collection of common hidden and faulty assumptions that plague many of us, along with suggested attitudes or thoughts that will help us have more realistic expectations of ourselves, the people we love, and those with whom we share our lives.
No matter what your messages and assumptions once were, they are worthy of respect as they enabled you to survive. Now however, you want to live more fully and more joyfully. The positive attitudes and beliefs that you can substitute for the list of Relationship Mishaps, Knots and Double Binds are listed in bold letters on the following pages.
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THE LAUNDRY LIST OF RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS A PARTIAL REGISTRY OF THE HAZARDS OF INTIMACY
RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#1 If you loved me, you would know what I think, feel, want, and you would give it to me. Since you don’t, you obviously don’t care. So why should I care for you, or for what you think, feel, say, want, or do? So when you tell me what you want, I won’t be interested. I will be withholding.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
I cannot assume that you know. I will ask you for what I want and not expect you to know.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#2 If you loved me, you would talk to me (or listen to me). You don’t. You don’t love me.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Perhaps you’re not a talker. Perhaps you are preoccupied. Perhaps you never learned to talk (or listen). I will check out my perceptions and not assume.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#3 If you loved me, you would agree with me. You don’t. You don’t love me.
#4 If you loved me, you would want what I want and like what I like. You don’t. You don’t love me.
#5 If you loved me, you would not try to change me. You try to change me. You don’t love me (for what I am).
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We are all unique. We are all different. Agreement doesn’t necessarily indicate love, nor does disagreement necessarily indicate lack of love. Differences can be discussed, understood, changed, or accepted.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#6 If you loved me, you would bring excitement and new experiences into my life. You would plan them and make them happen. You don’t. You must not feel I am worth doing that for. You don’t love me.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Part of our uniqueness is we are drawn to different things. I must take responsibility myself for making happen what I would like to happen and not see your initiative as a test of my worth.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#7 If you loved me, you would find me attractive. You would tell me so. You would want to be close to me. You don’t. You don’t love me.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
When you don’t find me attractive, I cannot assume I know why. I will ask for the information I need, check out my perceptions, and not assume.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#8 If you tell me what you want, I feel controlled or obligated to do what you want. When I feel controlled, I feel weak, inadequate. I cannot give you what you ask for without feeling resentful.
#9 If you tell me your feelings, I must do what you want. That would interfere with what I want (think, feel, am doing). So I don’t want to hear or know your feelings.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We have to be able to confide our feelings and no one is obligated to do anything about them.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#10 If I give to you and you don’t acknowledge it, I feel unappreciated. Since what I give you is unappreciated, I will be withholding.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
It is important to take pleasure in knowing that you are giving, without waiting to be acknowledged.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#11 If I acknowledge how much you do for me, I feel beholden, burdened, and obligated to do for you. I don’t want to, so I cannot acknowledge what you do. You feel unappreciated. You distance.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Expressing appreciation for what the other does is an important part of sustaining love. There is no obligation to return it. That is your choice alone.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#12 If we don’t agree, one of us must be wrong. If It is me, that means I am bad, stupid, ignorant or inadequate. So it can’t be me. I must prove that it is you so I won’t feel like a failure.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We should be able to disagree. We are all unique and it is a manifestation of our uniqueness.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#11 #13 If I acknowledge how much youforare more successful, youIf do me, I feel beholden, more adequate than I am, I feel burdened, and obligated to do for diminished andto, put you. I don’t want sodown. I cannot I distance from you. acknowledge what you do. You feel unappreciated. You distance.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
The only useful comparison is one with where you yourself have been, what you are learning, and what else you want to accomplish. Expressing appreciation for what the other does is an important part of sustaining love. There is no obligation to return it. That is your choice alone. Comparing yourself to others evokes envy, jealousy and feelings of competition. We are all struggling to survive and grow, to use the opportunities that life offers to accomplish our goals. To sustain intimacy, we need to offer each other mutual support and encouragement.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
I’m beginning to realize ...
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#14 If I tell you how I feel, You will be angry. You will attack me or withhold from me. I am afraid of your anger and your distance. I can’t tell you. I live a lie.
#15 If I tell you how I feel, you will be hurt. I can’t stand how I feel when you are hurt. I can’t tell you. I live a lie.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We need to be able to risk confiding our feelings and to listen with understanding and empathy. We need to be able to listen to other’s feelings, consider and discuss them. Acting out feelings by withholding, attacking, or distance is destructive.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#16 If I tell you how I feel, you interrupt, correct, give advice, judge, or dismiss my feelings. I feel betrayed, angry, frustrated. I won’t tell you my feelings. I distance.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
If what I want is to be listened to and heard without comment, I have to ask for that. We have to tell intimates what we want and they have to be able to accept this and to listen for information and deeper understanding. It is not a gift to offer advice or comments if that is not what is wanted. Listening is a most important gift to the relationship.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#17 If you are in pain, I feel I should be able to fix it. I don’t know how to fix it, so I feel inadequate. I am angry at you for making me feel inadequate. I withdraw from you, blame you, when you are in pain.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
When we’re in pain, what we want is interest, comfort, empathy, sympathy, a witness, an interested ear, to be listened to not solutions. As adults, we have our own intelligence and can figure out solutions for ourselves. If we want advice or help we can ask for it.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#18 If I were what I should be, you would be happy. I would be able to solve (fix) everything. Since I can’t, your unhappiness makes me feel inadequate, guilty, angry at you. I distance from you.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
No one can solve or fix everything for another. No one can take responsibility for another’s happiness. Each one must do that for him/herself.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#19 If I were what I should be, I would never be weak, tired, inadequate, impotent, afraid... but I am. Therefore, I feel inadequate. I must hide my feelings so you won’t find out how inadequate I really am. I live a lie.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
All of us have times when we feel badly. Hiding our feelings from each other keeps us strangers. Sharing our feelings brings us closer. It helps others to be able to confide their own feelings.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#20 If you were what you should be, you would never be sad, angry, bored, boring, worried, suspicious, tired, loud, sick, selfish, weak, disagreeable, clumsy, controlling, flirtatious, or demanding. You are. I feel cheated, betrayed. I distance from you.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We are all different ways at different times with many sides of ourselves. We need to be able to accept this in each other and discuss the behaviors we need changed when they’re important to us.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#21 If you were what you should be, I would be happy, successful, popular, attractive, virile, potent, sexy. I’m not. It’s your fault.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
No one can make another person anything. It’s up to each of us to work to develop those strengths and qualities we want for ourselves. We can ask others for help, but the responsibility for our destiny is ours.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#22 If I let you get close to me, I fear I will be trapped, engulfed, or smothered. I must keep my distance from you and not allow you to get close.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Closeness can be an exquisite pleasure. As adults we can move in and out of closeness as we choose. No one can trap, engulf, or smother us since we have our own power: to speak, to act, to leave. It is important as adults to be able to be independent to meet our separate needs and mutually dependent for closeness and support from others.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
I’m beginning to realize ...
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#23 If I let you get close to me, you will find out my secrets, my fears, how inadequate I really am. You won’t love (respect) me. I must keep you at a distance.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We are all lovable. We are all human. We feel closer when we can confide our secrets and fears to a caring, interested partner.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#24 If you say you love me, you either don’t know me, want to use me, or are stupid and have poor judgment. I can’t love you.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Life has risks. Relationships have risks. We all must choose whether to risk living with the pleasures or disappointments that may lie therein or to simply exist without either. We will never know unless we try. As adults we have our own resources. We are not helpless, even when we are disappointed. We need to risk allowing ourselves to be known, check out our perceptions and accept that we are indeed lovable and good enough. And anyone who loves us has very good judgment.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#25 If I let myself get close to you, I will need you. If I am too dependent, need (love) you too much, I will not be able to survive without you. I will lose the ability to be alone, to function on my own. I will become weak. I must avoid closeness. I must distance from you and care less to be sure I won’t miss (need) you too much when you are gone (die or leave me).
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We can enjoy closeness, yet still survive on our own if we need to. As adults, we are not helpless. We can make new lives for ourselves if that’s what life should require. The pleasures of intimacy is among life’s most fulfilling gifts, and is worth the risk of allowing feelings of need in order to enjoy intimacy when it is there.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#26 If I love you, I will need you. I cannot trust you to be there. Therefore I cannot (will not) love you.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
I’ll decide for myself whether or not I can trust you based on my actual experiences with you - not on my history or hidden expectations.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#27 If I love you, I will need you. I do not trust you to stay. I will provoke you, blame you, drive you away so that when you leave I will know I was right.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
The more I provoke you, blame you, drive you away, the more you will feel uncared about and have good reason to leave. And I will have provided reason to leave and created a self fulfilling prophecy.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#28 If you are distant from me, you don’t love me. Therefore why should I love you?
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
I will ask and try to understand the reasons for your distance. I will not assume.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#29 I believe that: A MAN should never be_____________ (irrational, illogical, weak, passive, sentimental, meek, incompetent, overwhelmed, tearful, wrong... add your own adjectives of imperfection and inadequacy). A WOMAN should never be_________ (demanding, selfish, unfeeling, aggressive, critical, too busy, bossy, angry, rational... add your own adjectives of imperfection and inadequacy) If I am these things, I am defective. I must hide, pretend, or wear a mask. If you are these things, you are defective. I feel betrayed. You broke our contract. I am entitled to belittle you, deceive you, withhold from you, distance from you, not love you.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We are all human. We all have moments of frailty, uncertainty, vulnerability, intensity. This does not make us defective. We need to be able to share ourselves with our partner and not hide. There is no way to guarantee or contract that we will never feel certain things or always be certain ways, nor does this entitle our partner to act out his/ her disappointment. Everything needs to be able to be talked about, understood and mutually negotiated on behalf of a more fulfilling, joyful relationship.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
I’m beginning to realize ...
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
The messages in the preceeding pages imply: if you do this, it’s not okay, but if you do the opposite, it may be okay. But sometimes we have hidden assumptions that give others no way out even if he or she understood what they were in in the first place. They create a “double bind” that entrap other people because there is no right way to resolve the situation. Consider this one: “If you give to me, I feel be holden, obligated, burdened... and I distance. If you don’t give to me, I feel unloved, uncared for, unwanted.” Now wait a minute! How can anyone deal with two such strident and opposite demands? If in reviewing the following list of double binds you recognize some of your own attitudes, don’t despair. Until you recognize the irrational expectations that sabotage our closest relationships, you can’t begin to change them.
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DOUBLE BINDS
RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#1 If you criticize me, I feel inadequate. If you compliment me, you are placating or controlling me by saying only what you think I want to hear.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
We need to be able to listen to, accept, and consider both compliments and criticism, ask for clarification if needed, and decide what fits. We are all good enough and lovable. We need to be able to trust each other’s honesty.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#2 If you need me, I feel obligated, pressured, burdened. If you don’t need me, I believe you don’t care.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Your need does not obligate me. I know that as an adult you have your own strength, resources, and ability to solve problems. Your not needing me does not mean you don’t want or care for me. I can ask and not assume.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#3 If I tell you what I want and you do what I want, it doesn’t count, because I had to tell you. If I don’t tell you what I want, you don’t do what I want. If you do what I want, but not the way I wanted you to, it doesn’t count. I feel unloved.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
I cannot expect you to know what I want nor to do anything exactly the way I would. I can still appreciate the gift of whatever you do because you know I would like it.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#4 If I tell you what I want, you won’t do it as you resent feeling controlled. If I don’t tell you what I want, there’s a slim chance you might do it. So I never tell you what I want. After a while I stop even letting myself know what I want. What do I want? I’m confused.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Giving you what you want is an act of caring that nurtures our relationship, pleases you, and lets you know that I care. I need to be able to do this without feeling controlled or resentful. I can take pleasure in my ability to love.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#5 If I do what you want, and it’s not what I want to do, I resent it. I believe you would resent it if I do what I want to do, as it’s not what you want to do. So I never do what I want. I’m miserable. I hate you for making me miserable.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
It is my choice alone and my responsibility to decide what I want to do and do it, whether it is to please you or me. If I choose to do what pleases you, that is my choice and I will not resent it. I will take responsibility for my choices in doing those things that bring pleasure to my life whether you join me or not.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#6 If I do what you want, you love me. You only love what I do ... not me. I feel like nothing. Therefore I will do nothing.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
I will not assume you only love me if I do what you want. I will ask when I am in doubt.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#7 If I am what you want me to be, I dislike myself. I resent you wanting me to be what I don’t like. If I am myself, you won’t like me. I resent you for not letting me be myself.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
You are not responsible for my choices. They are mine alone. If we cannot work out expectations that we can accept and live with, then perhaps our differences are so great that we shouldn’t be together. Perhaps they’re not. We need to be able to talk about them.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#8 If you loved me, you would always want me with you. If you want to be alone, it means you don’t want me with you. If you always want me with you, I feel smothered.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
All of us have times when we need to be separate, and times when we enjoy and want to be together. As adults, no one can always want to or always be there for another. We have our separate lives to lead as well as those parts we share. These times vary with each of us. We need to be able to accept these differences and negotiate for the changes that are important.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#9 If you comfort (give to) me, you are more powerful than I am. I will not accept your comfort. If I comfort you, you are comforted. I resent you for being comfortable when I never can be.
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
Accepting comfort neither diminishes one nor empowers the other. It should be a pleasure to give and receive comfort from a caring partner. An essential part of intimacy is accepting and enjoying this.
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
I’m beginning to realize ...
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PURPOSE BUILT FAMILIES FOUNDATION
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RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
#10 If I tell you how I feel, you are angry. If I don’t tell you how I feel, you are angry.
#11 If I tell you how angry I am at you, you distance from me. If I don’t tell you how angry I am, I distance from you.
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I need to be able to tell you my feelings and know you will try to listen with empathy. I also need to be able to accept and consider your responses and not assume I know in advance what they will be. We all change with time and new learnings. We need to be able to discuss anything.
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#12 If I am angry, I cannot tell you, for you would leave, withhold from me, retaliate. I am afraid to be without you. I am a coward. I hate you for making me a coward.
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You cannot make me anything and I can survive without you if I have to. Some things are not negotiable.
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#13 If you don’t love me, stay with me, I will die. Therefore, I must cling to you no matter what the price. The more I cling, the more you feel smothered and distance. The more you distance, the more I cling.
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As an adult, I have my own power, my own strengths and resources. I may not want to, but I can survive without you. It is up to me to develop my strengths and resources in order to be self sufficient enough not to cling.
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#14 If I distance from you, I miss what I have with you. I draw closer. If I need you, I am weak. I hate myself for being weak. I resent you for making me weak. I distance.
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Giving you what you want is an act of caring that nurtures our relationship, pleases you, and lets you know that I care. I need to be able to do this without feeling controlled or resentful. I can take pleasure in my ability to love.
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#15 My commitment to you is too restrictive for me. I wish to change it. I cannot tell you. You would be upset. To see you is to experience my guilt. I will find reasons to be angry with you so I need not feel guilty. I will provoke you, anger you, drive you away, to find a reason to be angry with you... all so I can feel justified in my behavior in breaking my commitment and not feel guilty.
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Relationships change through time. What may have worked at the beginning changes as we grow and our situations change. My desire to be with others need not be a rejection of you but an expression of my own need for variety, new experiences and the richness of a range of relationships in my life. My ability to be separate from you and enjoy other people and experiences has the possibility to enrich our relationship when we are together. Neither one of us needs to feel guilty about altering our original expectations. Renegotiating expectations, so long as this is not done unilaterally or arbi trarily, is ongoing and needs to encompass change in order to maximize mutual pleasure in fulfilling each of our evolving needs and goals. And yet I love, need, want you...
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I’m beginning to realize ...
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As you consider these relationship mishaps, knots and double binds and discover things that may feel uncomfortably familiar, try to avoid the all too common human reaction of berating yourself or finding fault. Instead, congratulate yourself for discovering faulty attitudes and beliefs that sabotage relationships and that you can change. Become a detective with a partner and compare lists to help identify some of each other’s hidden assumptions. By acknowledging some of the silly or damaging things we believe, we can laugh at them to gether. Then we can, in an air of mutual trust and honesty, replace them with more livable human beliefs that allow others to know what we want or expect and give them and ourselves a fair chance to meet those expectations.
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PAIRS Talking Tips for Untangling a Love Knot
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UNTANGLING A LOVE KNOT Once you have identified some of your hidden ex pectations or assumptions (commonly refered to in PAIRS as “love knots”), try to see how they come into play in a close relationship. Pick an issue that frequently causes dissension and see if it stems from a private agenda that maybe even you are not aware of. The way to ferret out such bombs, and then defuse them, is through discussion. That begins with confiding to someone who can listen with empathy. But many of us find talking about such issues constructively difficult and either avoid those conversations entirely or fall into habitual styles of defending ourselves that lead to arguments or silence. For instance: Frankie and Sam are both healthcare professionals who spend every ounce of energy caring for the physical, emotional and mental health needs of patients at work. They’ve both been in their respective jobs for more than a decade and are considered highly competent. They often end their days talking about experiences at work, confiding their challenges, and celebrating successes. They don’t have children at home and enjoy the freedom their lives have offered to pursue their careers and the friendship and intimacy they share with each other. Frankie went with Sam to the doctor’s appointment when the physician noticed an unusual growth that needed further attention. Within weeks, a biopsy had come back positive. Sam was scheduled for an intensive regimen of radiation and chemotherapy. Sam became increasingly anxious and withdrawn. By the third week of radiation appointments, Frankie was no longer going to the hospital with Sam. Frankie was working longer hours, voluntarily taking on extra assignments at the clinic, coming home later, and spending less time with Sam as the treatment plan progressed. Calls and texts to check in during the day became less frequent too. When Sam returned home after the first round of in-patient chemo, Frankie tried to be a helpful caregiver. As Sam increasingly struggled - 106 -
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to take in nutrients and fight the bouts of naseau, dizziness and extreme fatigue, Frankie increasingly withdrew, arranged for a home health aid, and disappeared further into work. A seemingly insignificant exchange on a Saturday morning exploded into Frankie shouting and Sam becoming buried under blankets and refusing to talk or even make eye contact with Frankie. When they most needed each other, the once loving, supportive, seemingly resilient relationship between these two committed, helping professionals was on the brink of total collapse. Ultimately, they were able to explore the hidden assumptions and expectations that nearly ended their life together. PAIRS Talking Tips helped provide a structure for the conversation they desperately needed and wanted. Because we are sometimes only vaguely aware of what may be upsetting us, Talking Tips provides starter sentences that are arranged in such a way that it helps you to sort out your perceptions, thoughts and feelings. The whole idea is to share information, to say, effectively: “What I tell you will be my truth, and then you can tell me what meaning it has for you.” So instead of running away from Sam, Frankie embraced Sam’s hands and found the courage to confide: •
The love knot I want to work on is: that when you are in pain, I believe I should be able to fix it. I don’t know how to fix it or can’t fix it, so I distance from you, blame you, when you’re in pain.
•
My assumption has been: that I have to help others be happy and healthy and that I can do that for anyone.
•
I think I have this belief because: as long as I remember, people looked to me for solutions and to help them feel better. I did that with my mom until I couldn’t and I do that at work every day. - 107 -
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•
What I needed in my past was: to understand that no matter how talented and committed I am, there are many things I can’t fix for other people, that’s not my fault, and that it doesn’t mean I’m somehow defective or inadequate.
•
The price I have paid in my life for having this knot is: when my mom got more sick, I ultimately distanced from her. There were so many missed opportunities to be together in those last weeks and months but I stayed away. I can never take that back or get back the time, conversations, and everything else that was left unsaid because I got “too busy” with school in her last months.
•
The price you have paid for my knot is: that I’m doing that with you too. When you need me most by your side, I’ve been looking for every reason to be away and busy elsewhere. Even though there’s a lot I can’t do to help you through this, I haven’t done what I can, even if that’s just sitting together, holding your hand, letting you know I’m here for you and with you, and how important you are to me.
•
What I can do for myself to untangle this knot is: accept that there’s a lot that isn’t in my hands. Instead of beating myself or others up because of what I cannot do or control, I can focus on what I can do.
•
What you can do to help me is: tell me how to be caring and loving to you through this ordeal so we can get through it together.
•
I realize: that I’ve been hurtful to you in ways I never intended, that I haven’t been a very good friend to you through this, and that there’s plenty I can and will do differently.
•
I hope: you forgive me, that you know how much I care about you, love you, and am committed to you, and that I’ll do better.
Take a few minutes to study the Talking Tips guide and think of how you would finish the sentence stems with an issue of your own. To get a feel for using Talking Tips, one person should choose a relatively trivial hidden assumption, such as, “If you loved me,
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you’d know what I want without me having to tell you ...” It should be an underlying assumption or expectation you’d like to more fully explore, understand, and potentially resolve. As one person begins, the other should just listen, listen with empathy and with interest In understanding what’s being said. After each sentence stem, the listener is to accurately repeat the meaning of what was heard and show appreciation for being confided in with a gesture like an embrace. When the listener accurately repeats back what the speaker said and intended, the speaker should also show appreciation, which may simply involve saying, “Thank you.” Whatever may have been misheard or misunderstood needs to be clarified and repeated again until accurate. This step is essential before the Speaker and Listener switch roles, whether to confide a related expectation or assumption or explore something entirely different. The beauty of Talking Tips is that it helps you to be very specific about assumptions and expectations that are often below the surface. This may strike you as an artificial structure, but time and again it has contributed to increased understanding of troublesome issues and helped to resolve them. This guide is merely a model, a reminder that these various thoughts and feelings exist and that they affect your expectations and your behavior. You can, when you choose to, become aware of them so as to have a broader base for understanding each other. In time, you can feel free to change the order of the guide, to add and perhaps subtract. You may want to ask: “How does this feel for you?” or “How can we work this out?” However, it won’t do you any harm to practice the guide for a while in the sequence suggested, realiz ing that everything in the sequence can be of value in developing deeper levels of understanding. It can even be of help in simply col lecting your thoughts and feelings at any point in time.
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Now, with the Laundry List as a roadmap and Talking Tips as a compass, you have new tools to help identify some of each other’s hidden assumptions and expectations and how they may cause problems that neither of you intended or needs. By acknowledging some of the silly or damaging things we believe, we can laugh at them together. Then we can, in an air of mutual trust and honesty, replace them with more livable, humane beliefs that allow those who are important in our lives know what we want or expect and give them and ourselves a fair chance to meet those expectations.
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“
YOU CAN, WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO, BECOME AWARE OF THEM SO AS TO HAVE A BROADER BASE FOR UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER. IN TIME, YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO CHANGE THE ORDER OF THE GUIDE, TO ADD AND PERHAPS SUBTRACT.
“
RELATIONSHIP MISHAPS, KNOTS AND DOUBLE BINDS
I’m beginning to realize ...
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I AM ME
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me - Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth - I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes - Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - By so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me - However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me &