April Fool's 2017

Celebrating 525 Years of Seattle Preparatory School

La Panthère de Préparation de Seattle April 1, 2017

www.seapreppanther.gov

Faculty Found Cheating in Annual Tradition

Volume 72 No. 6

Myspace: SEAPANTHER Club Penguin: Puffellover27

Olympic Weak

MIRANDA COSGROVE ‘17 Staff Writer

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lympic Week 2017 was one of the most competitive and controversial in Prep’s history. When the seniors walked out after the Opening Ceremonies results were announced, it fired up 017’s competitive streak for the rest of the week’s events. The seniors battled with great teamwork, incredible sportsmanship and true grit, stepping up the stakes for the rest of the Olympic Week season. The other classes and the faculty brought their A-game, pulling through with close races in the Spike Ball finals and completely decimating the senior class in Volleyball.

Although the week seemed to run smoothly from an outsider’s view, there was an investigation that wasn’t dispatched until after Olympic Week was over.

To everyone’s greatest surprise, the faculty was found allegedly cheating during Olympic Week as they flew under

Photo: Alex-Arce Torres ‘19 Juniors and Frosh battle it out in the finals of Olympic Week Volleyball. Despite the Faculty cheating scandal, Olympic Week was still a smashing success. the ASB’s radar in a large scandal. An After much deliberation, the ASB the Dollar Bill Drive and coming in a fierce anonymous source saw Chef Carter chug- has come to the consensus that the scandal third place. The McHugh gym echoed with ging 4 cups of coffee in the cafeteria before should be kept under wraps and the facul- the school excitedly stomping their feet on the Kinect Dance Finals. It was also report- ty will not be docked for their actions and the bleachers in anticipation for the winner ed that Coach Durand was spotted sneakily alleged cheating. Hopefully next year’s to be announced. Despite their best efforts, putting weights in his pockets to be heavier Olympic Week will bring more honesty the seniors prevailed over the junior class for Tug of War. In addition, the ASB stat- and fairness. (who came in second) as they won Olymed that the faculty were giving themselves As Olympic Week came to a pic Week with a remarkable karaoke dance extra spirit points in attempt to get them in close, a Collegio from the freshmen class to finish it all off! the lead. surprised the study body but dominating

Brother Rodriguez, Lost at Prep

MOAH PING-GOUL ‘19 Staff Writer

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rother Rodriguez traveled from parish of St Agnes in Ittoqqortoomiit, Greenland to visit our very own Mr Hickey. Mr Hickey met Brother Rodriguez at the annual Pez convention in Ontario Canada. The two met while bidding on a limited edition Pocahontas Pez dispenser, and began talking about their Jesuit work.

The two became fast friends and send letter to each other through pigeon every third moon of the fourth sun.

In their most recent pigeon, Brother Rodriguez told Mr. Hickey that he would be in the area and would like to visit Prep. Mr. Hickey agreed and said he should visit on Friday, March 24th. What Mr. Hickey forgot that the administration had scheduled a lock down drill on that same day.

When Brother Rodriguez walked on to campus at 10:30, he was a little con-

JUG Illegal?

KERINA CONES ‘19 & GABBEE JAIYCOULL ‘19 Staff Writers

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ccording to the United States Department of Labor, child labor is qualified as anything that “deprives children of their childhood, interferes with their ability to attend regular activities, and that is mentally, physically, socially or morally dangerous and harmful.” In the midst of the royal blue glitz and glamour that is Seattle Prep, lies a dark and disgusting secret. Seattle Preparatory School is in violation of Child Labor Law 8AAC.

By forcing students to do labor intensive work that diminishes their quality of life, and passing it off as Justice Under

fused, it seemed as if no one was at school.

With his Pocahontas Pez in hand Brother Rodriguez wandered over to Adelphia Memorial Hall.

Rodriguez walked through the fifth floor door and the entire floor seemed completely empty. Brother Rodriguez walked first to the Library, but the door was locked, he tried knocking, but no one answered. He peered in and the usual buzz of students desperately trying to print before class, was not there, no student or teacher was present. Next he went to the lunchroom, hoping he had just come at lunch, and everyone was eating.

Unfortunately he was wrong, there was not a single person in the lunchroom.

However all of the lunch foods had been set up. Brother Rodriguez walked over to the lunch cart and saw they had his favorite cookies, oatmeal raisin. Looking around to make sure no one was there, Brother Rodri-

guez proceeded to eat a cookie. But when you a give a Brother a cookie, he can't just have one. He then ate the other oatmeal cookies, and then eventually he consumed the rest of the cookies. After consuming 53 total cookies, Brother Rodriguez decided to check another building, and quickly waddled away from the scene.

With his belly full, Brother Rodriguez made his way to the plaza. Deciding to go in a different direction into McDonnell Hall. At this point he had been walking around Prep for the better part of an hour and just wanted to find someone.

Brother Rodriguez found Mrs Fields in the attendance office. Shyly Brother said in his broken English "Hello, am I where to fight Mr Hickay.". Mrs Fields confused by this strange 5'4 man in black robes, and a red beard decided to call for Mr Hickey, "Brother Rodriguez is here to visit Mr Hickey."

God, Prep is facing a serious penalty.

JUG is given for any punishment that may distract, disrupts, or cause harm to the class well being and the teacher’s ability to teach. However there is no distinct line for what constitutes JUG. This punishment can be assigned for anything from ripped jeans, to forgetting a red pen.

One teacher may give JUG for drinking Gatorade in class, while another couldn’t care less about the libation, but can’t stand talkers. Because of this discrepancy, students are constantly walking on eggshells around campus, not wanting to be forced into nonconsensual labor.

“It was awful. They made me carry these bins of garbage to larger bins of garbage. It was truly horrific, I almost cried.” Said Gracie Cole ‘19. This task, combined with the stress of missing practice plus the fact that most students at Prep

have never done a chore, the process is inhumane.

Some students experienced JUG as freshman, but that’s the only time. “I would come home an hour late, and my parents would just be sitting in the living room with these horrid disappointed faces.

It was destroying my personal relationships,” said Dawa Nur ‘19. Nur was able to turn his life around, and get the help he needed. By putting his phone on airplane mode during the day and packing his calculator in his backpack before he went to bed, he could avoid JUG as much as possible, but he says that no one is ever free of the chance.

Nur added “It’s scary you know?

I mean, one second you’re the perfect student, and then, suddenly, you forget what class you’re in, and you leave your hat on.”

Mr Hendricks Gives Up Polos for Lent page Drei

Healy Announces 2020 Presidential Bid page Quatre

Peterhans Named New Head Football Coach page Siete

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THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2017 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

EDITORIAL

EDITORS: BRIAN LEFEVRE ‘17 & KOOL PSEUDONYM ‘18

Just Don’t.

Just don’t. Don’t even read the rest of this page. Don’t even finish reading this sentence. Ok, so you did, but that meant that you didn’t listen to what we said. Good for you! But seriously, just don’t .

The next time someone tells you to do something you don’t want to do, take a second to think, and then just don’t do it.

The following editorials describe different ways to apply “just don’t” to your life.

We Gotta Go Back Thinking Inside the Box See Col. 1

Panther Staff Editors-in-Chief Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Managing Editor Cade Osterman ‘17 Photo Editor Cade Osterman ‘17 Online Editors Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Sports Editor Cade Osterman ‘17 Panther Staff Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Cade Osterman ‘17 Moderator Cade Osterman

Editorial Policy The Seattle Prep Panther is probably a journalism program which provides some people with occasionally accurate articles and media while practicing some of the components of a professional newspaper.

The staff aims to create a mostly informative newspaper and website which focus on issues completely irrelevant to our high school community.

Mission Statement We in no way support radical islamic terrorism. Any rumors about that you have heard are total lies, okay. Fake News My ex has been spreading those rumors about me. We do not endorse Islamic terrorists in any way. But that’s not to say we don’t like Muslims. We love Muslims. Everybody says so--all the fake media outlets are reporting it. We support everyone.

Except terrorists.

BRIAN LEFEVRE ‘17 Editor-in-Chief

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onspiracy theories are fun. We all laughed and talked about the “moon landing” footage endlessly after the hilarious, well done broadcast aired in 1969.

For years it was considered one of the best practical jokes of all time, and it gave rise to other hilarious large-scale conspiracy theories like The Berlin Wall and The Cuban Missile Crisis. We laughed because we

KOOL PSEUDONYM ‘18 Managing Editor

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his past Sunday was one of about ten truly sunny days Seattle has seen since October. I took advantage of the weather and sat outside on the swing in my front yard. It was warm enough for me to not need a coat over my sweatshirt, and the swing was positioned in such a way that a tree branch overhead protected my eyes from the sun. I just sat there, looking at a Sunset magazine, imagining a life where I had more time to cultivate my tomato plants and redecorate my porch with outdoor furniture that looked like indoor furniture. It seemed nice.

“The more I thought about it, the more I wondered: why did I even “Is something really go outside in the first true if everyone believes place?”

See Inside In it’s not true?”

thought they were good jokes, well-done productions, not something that could happen in real life. And then there were the infamous wiki-leaks moon scandal, Stanley Kubrick came forward to support the claims, and we learned the truth: the moon landing really happened. And I think we need to forget it.

Life was great when the moon landing was just a hoax. Life was confined to earth. There were no questions about our place in the universe and our ability to travel beyond the confines of our own planet. People weren’t scared by the great vastness of it all. And no one knew for sure whether the earth was really a globe. I mean, can’t we at least give the flat-earthers that? And there used to be such magic around the moon. Did it really give werewolves their power? Was it really made of cheese? Did it really cause the tides? We didn’t know. Now that it has been confirmed that a couple of dumpy humans have been prancing around up there, it makes the moon boring. It moves it from the realm of magic into the realm of boring science. Who cares about the moon now? Been there, done that.

But I think there’s a solution to all Cont’d col. 3 top

See We Gotta Go Back

But my little adventure outside had to end, as all things do, and I retreated inside to my TV and my ice cream, where I belong.

I reflected on my time outside, and the more I thought about it, the more I wondered: why did I even go outside in the first place?

I could have watched about one and a half 40 minute episodes or three 20 minute episodes on Netflix in that time. I could have read several chapters of a book. I could have spent an hour buying things on the internet that I do not need. But instead I wasted an hour outside, brutally exposing myself to the elements. I regret everything.

In the grand scheme of things, my odyssey into the wild taught me to appreciate everything I have. I will never again try to do something I cannot handle, because it is so, so much better to stay inside and be safe than to face the biting wind and the rain. Would the universe create bad weather if we were supposed to be outside all the time? I don’t think so. Now, every time I collapse on to the couch after having to get up to get a package from outside that the UPS man delivered, I am more relieved, because I now understand the value of beCont’d col. 3 mid

NOOT NOOT ‘19

See Col. 2

Cont’d from col. 2 this. It doesn’t involve science, or politics, or even any real effort. It just requires a little bit of suspension of disbelief. We all just need to forget that the moon landing really happened.

I’ve been looking into this in online hypnosis forums, and it’s possible. Every person on earth just needs to look in the mirror every night, and repeat to themselves “the moon landing was fake, the moon landing was fake,” 50 times. First you’ll start to think about it all day, then you’ll start to dream it, and then you’ll start to believe it. If we all do this, for a concentrated amount of time, and are really dedicated, we can make it a reality. After all, is something really true if everyone believes it’s not true? I mean look at Donald Trump. I just pretend he’s not president, and it works for me.

So join me, Seattle Prep, and send this message out to the world. The moon landing was real, but we don’t have to live with it. Come with me to a better time. A simpler time. A time of ignorant bliss and childlike wonder. It’s better to ignore it than deal with it. fin.

Cont’d from col. 2 ing safe. Every time I have to leave the television to open the front door to let my dog outside, I sprint back so as not to waste any moments of my time. Life is precious. I am glad I know that now.

I also think this is a valuable lesson for any person who might be considering a trip outside any time soon. My advice?

Don’t go. Just stay inside. All the world’s most successful business leaders, scientists, and writers completed their work inside.

Stay inside the box. Look within, and you will be extremely comfortable with what you find. I will end with a quote from one of the most famous works of fiction of all time, To Kill a Mockingbird, “‘There’s too much risk in staying inside,’ the young boy said.

‘No,’ said the old man. ‘There’s too much risk in not.’” fin.

THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2016 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

NoodleTools Site Crashes: UN Cancelled

This year’s sophomores have been rejoicing all week after hearing that their model UN has been cancelled due to NoodleTools being compromised by Russian hackers. The site is vital to the project and holds hundreds of hours worth of stu-

dent research. Without access to this, sophomore collegio teachers can not possibly expect their students to be prepared on time.

The Kremlin has denied all accusations relating to the matter. There is a possibility for permanent eradication of the model UN.

SOFEE PASINTENEE ‘19 MYA GRUFF ‘19 Staff Writers

polos hopefully will be coming back after this Lenten season. In the words of nephew Owen Hendricks, “It is hard to see my uncle step out of his comfort zone but its nice to see him make these sacrifices.”

Hendricks has nothing to say at this time on the topic as he is distracting himself by watching World War II in Color (for the eleventh time).

Seattle Prep is wishing Hendricks the best of luck on his journey of growth and transforming into a spiritually alive faculty member.

As a favor to Hendricks here are some student suggested ideas for his Lenten journey next year: Give up coffee mugs, quizzes, and grading hard. In addition, some have suggested that he buy time share in Cabo and take the 40 days of Lent to enjoy himself on the beach. Additionally, knowing that Hendricks very much enjoys the excellent historic information and dancing in “Sound of Music” students suggested Hendricks join Pulse.

In addition to giving up polos, Hendricks is creating a new political party in Seattle and naming it “Going Solo without Polos”. The parties’ main objective is to increase the number of snow days, late starts, and days off for all schools in the Seattle area. Best of luck to Mr. Hendricks with his new political party and journey sans polos.

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PREP LIFE EDITORS: MOSE SCHRUTE ‘19 & ANAKIN SKYWALKER ‘18

Mr. Hendricks Gives Up Polos For Lent

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eanut Butter and Jelly. Kim and Kanye. Ms. Slevin and Charles Dickens. Mr. Hendricks and polo shirts.

All iconic duos. But for Hendricks, his love for polo shirts outshines any iconic love.

Many people give up their favorite things for Lent, such as candy or desserts.

This year, Hendricks has decided to give up his entire polo shirt collection. In past years, Hendricks has given up chocolate and candy. But he never felt like that was truly testing his spiritual self control. Because “words mean things” he takes his commitment to Lent very seriously. So after hours of prayer and contemplation, the Holy Spirit revealed to Hendricks that if he was to truly embrace the meaning of Lent, he had to give up his polo shirts. In order to resist his temptations, he was forced to lock away his 500 polo shirt collection, the box of polos has been taken away temporarily.

Hendricks has decided that in order for the most growth he will now wear button downs and Spurs garb.

Sophomore Helena Reischling says, “I am proud to see the growth but sad to see the polos go.” The fluorescent

“I am proud to see the growth, but sad to see the polos go.”

-Helena Reischling ‘19

Mr. Hendricks folds his polos and stores them away for Lent.

Hickey to Destroy Another Suit

BRIAN LEFEVRE ‘17 Editor-in-Chief

The moment is immortalized on the walls of AMH, on the photo-slide of the Prep website, and in the minds of every senior in the class of 2016: Mr. Hickey, arms spread wide, tie fluttering in the wind as he leapt headfirst towards that slip-n’-slide during last year’s Senior prank. That suit, shirt, and tie were completely ruined. And this year, he promises to do it again.

“I promise to do it again,” said a near-delirious Hickey directly after the incident, sopping wet and surrounded by cheering seniors, “I just love destroying suits.

MOSE SCHRUTE ‘19 Staff Writer

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nnually, Prep students marvel in that seemingly random Monday in March they get off every year, known as St. Kostka Day. But who really is Stanislaus Kostka?

Born in Lebanon, Ohio on March 42, 12 A.D., Stanislaus lived a life dedicated to prayer and God, but his true passion lay within his YouTube channel (@JesuLIT).

What started out as poor quality Minecraft game plays, has now been transformed into advice videos for Prep students.

Over the past few years, Kostka has drawn in viewers with strong click bait appealing to students. Some of these have included, “How to Successfully Compose an Entire Essay in One Night”, the classic, “Free Audiobooks for Collegio”, and the most viewed, “How to Teach Yourself an

Wool, cotton, polyester. Tuxedos are especially nice. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been a sucker for ruining expensive clothing.”

The school president takes pride in his collection of suits, and his ability to destroy them.

“This one has a good story behind it,” said Hickey, grinning widely as he removed a tattered wool suit from the closet in his office. The closet contains a collection of destroyed suits, carefully maintained, and each labeled with a golden plaque.

“I ‘slipped’ into a cement mixer during construction of AMH,” explained Hickey with a coy smile, “you can get away

with that kind of stuff when you’re president. The suit was completely irreparable caked with cement. $500 dollar suit. Down the drain. I love it.”

Hickey considers himself something of a serial killer of suits.

“And I’ll strike again,” Hickey said, “hopefully during the next senior prank. I’m trying to subtly influence them in Senior Seminar to do something involving dirt, mud, sand, cement, sewer water, food coloring, acid, really anything filthy. Pig’s blood would be optimal too - I hear that it totally destroys Polyester. And I’ve got the perfect suit picked out: Vintage Giorgio Ar-

mani. It’ll be like defacing the Mona Lisa.”

“We let him have his fun,” said Ms. Luby, “we just don’t let it get outside of the school. Knowledge of his little... hobby could reflect poorly.”

“I’m very active on social media,” said Hickey, pulling up his official Facebook page on his iPhone, “SootRekker1891.”

I’ve got a lot of followers and fellow suit destroyers. We’re a respected community.”

As the Seniors prep their prank, and Mr. Hickey preps his Georgio Armani, Prep is in for quite a show this spring - and hopefully fodder for another beautiful picture.

Entire Semester of Math the Morning of the Final”.

When asked about what they thought of the videos, an unmanned freshman stated, “I mean it was pretty disappointing to click on the videos because I thought I was gonna get some review help so I could pass Mr. Hardy’s class; but then it’s just some guy playing video games.”

After the original videos had been discovered, the sleep-deprived, stressed students left angry comments letting Kostka know very clearly that they did not care one bit about how he was building up his Minecraft mansion and how they needed help. After this constructive criticism had been given, Kostka took his chan-

nel in a new direction.

Kostka figured the best way to give the students what they wanted was to go to the source, and he did just that. The plan was to go around to different teachers in the school and ask them to be featured in a video to give advice to their students.

Kostka started with Kathy Tullis, well known intimidator of incoming students who does not put up with any nonsense; but, if on her good side, will bake her entire collegio homemade cookies. Her advice was as follows: “DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT wait to do your NoodleTools notecards until the night before because oh boy, let me tell you, you’re gonna be hurting!” Words of wisdom.

As students responded well to

this new direction, Kostka carried on and went to history teacher Craig Arthur next.

Known for wearing blue shirts on the daily, frequently making puns that few care about, and having an extreme passion for history, Arthur shared his advice with the Prep community by saying “Hey, do some history tonight.” Students did not find this advice helpful.

After Kostka released these teacher-advice videos, ratings skyrocketed and he reached four billion subscribers, all Prep students, within the span of one semester.

When word got around to Mr. Hickey, he decided that a man this popular on youtube must become the patron saint of Seattle Prep, and so it was done. When asked about his rather rash decision, Hickey said, “Well, yes, I am a big fan of the YouTube and a patron saint is a good excuse to take a day off, so it seemed to work well.”

Who is Saint Costco?

“I am a big fan of the YouTube and a patron saint is a good excuse to take a day off.”

-Mr. Hickey

THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2017 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

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PREP LIFE EDITORS: ALEX McANDLESS. RYAN DAY, MEGHAN KEARNEY, MAHOY MIÑOY

Mr. Engle Out for Two Weeks After Cough Drop Side-Effects

Our beloved Max Engle was hospitalized last Friday due to side effects from Burt’s Bees Pomegrante cough drops. After consuming 500 cough drops in an hour, he lost consciousness and was rushed to the

nearest hospital.

Prep is looking forward to the return of his famous powerpoint ‘break slides’ and his legendary Upper Upper Upper personality.

Healy Announces 2020 Presidential Campaign

MICHAEL SCORN ‘19 AND DWIGHT SCHRUTE ‘19 Staff Writers

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t has recently been announced that Seattle Prep’s own Cheryl Healy will run for President in the year 2020. After an unsatisfactory result to this year’s election, Healy decided to run in order to “put this country out of its misery.”

“I feel that our country lacks a strong woman figure that has an attitude! I am here to have fun and make the United States better for everyone,” said Healy.

Healy feels that she is qualified because of her teaching degrees and sense of humor.

She revealed some of her plans for the upcoming years in recent interviews saying, “I will ensure consistent Wi-Fi strength throughout our country and instate NoodleTools in every single school across America.”

Many ask what will happen to Ms. Healy in the Seattle Prep community after the election occurs. She confirmed that if she is elected, she will keep a part-time job at the school, as well as replace the Saint Ignatius statue with a statue of herself in the plaza. Additionally, she hopes to move

weekly liturgies out of the Our Lady of Montserrat Chapel and outside beside her statue.

Many students are excited about Healy’s decision to run in 2020, including many of her own students. Sophomore Grace Nenke of Juana Collegio said “I think Ms. Healy will make a great president because she is always super enthusiastic in class and always surprises us with her extensive wardrobe of dresses!”

Additionally, Senior Jane Stanley said “I am ready to cast my vote for Healy in 2020!

She is clearly the most qualified and good looking candidate to have run for presidency!”

As for the competition she is facing, Healy believes she can conquer all of her opponents with her “smarts and girl power.”

Because of her background in teaching AP US Government and Politics to students at Prep, she believes she knows exactly what it takes to be the next president of the United States.

When asked who to thank for convincing her to run for presidency, Healy said, “It wouldn’t be possible to hope for something this big if it weren’t for my amazing sophomores in Juana Collegio. They motivate me

Consistent Wi-Fi and NoodleTools for All! Ms. Healy’s Presidential campaign logo. Healy recently announced her bid running mate, current Collegio teacher Mr. Kiehn. every day to keep pursuing my dream in very easy for us to run the nation side-bybecoming the first female president of our side.” country.”

It will be the duty of the current freshmen Healy feels that the most deserving per- to vote for Cheryl Healy in the year of 2020, son to serve beside her and become the vice as they will be the new seniors and need president is none other than her Collegio to influence the greater community around partner, Chris Kiehn. “Because we work them to vote. Together, Seattle Prep can help well together when we combine our history to make Healy the first female president of and literature classes, I think that it will be the United States.

Mr. Hardy Receives Jug for Forgetting Blanchet Braves Find a New Home at Seattle Prep Calculator

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ALEX McCANDLESS ‘17 Staff Writer

r. Hardy was seen climbing to the my power points and left my calculator on 6th floor of Ignatius at 2:42 PM. the desk.” He provided no excuse for not Student witnesses discovered finding a calculator over the three day weekHardy speaking with Mr. Mitchell. Upon end. further investigation, Hardy admitted to re- This reckless behavior has stirred ceiving JUG. Students pointed and laughed up confusion among other faculty. “This is while he mopped floors and wiped down ‘High School 101’, come prepared to class” desks after school. Mr. Hardy was caught Bellarmine teacher Mark Mitchell stated. during calculator check when Luby described her frushe didn’t have the required cal- “A TI-30Xa cal- tration about the situation, “I culator. culator, and am not mad, just disappointed

This was not his first that Mr. Hardy has not been recorded instance of missing clear 12-inch prepared for faculty meetings. a calculator; he has three priorruler are alwaysI do not like giving JUG, but cases in his file. Principal Luby I have to. Luckily, in my back sometimes informed that Hardy’s four ofMr. Smith showed up with a fenses are not serious enough calculator to cover him.” pocket” to warrant suspension or exHardy is confident that he -Mr. Hardy will not pulsion. “I’ve never suspended repeat his mistake. “I a teacher before, but if this hapam different now. A TI-30Xa pens again I might have to” Luby stated. calculator, and clear 12-inch ruler are alWhat was going through his head ways in my back pocket.” Hardy has hopes when he realized he was missing a calcula- of returning to encourage doing math every tor? Hardy explained, “I stumbled over my day and providing opportunities for board words thinking of an excuse, but the truth work. was: I got distracted making ‘funnies’ for

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ANNIE BENTLEY ‘18 Staff Writer

ishop Blanchet High School is going where?! About two weeks ago, Bishop Blanchet received some unfortunate news: their water pipes have been severely damaged! The drinking fountains are unsafe for use and their plumbing system is a disaster. The city of Seattle has been contacted, which means Bishop Blanchet has no choice but to shut down the school. As a result, Bishop Blanchet is sending 35% of their students to Seattle Prep.

Since the Bishop Blanchet must temporarily send the student body to other schools, 35% will go to Seattle Prep, 15% will go to Lakeside High School, and the remaining 50% will attend public schools around the city. The Bishop Blanchet students will have a lot to get used to during their time at Seattle Prep. Will they understand the concept of Collegio? Or will they be allowed to participate in extracurricular activities such as Theatre, Journalism, or the Yearbook? Bishop Blanchet and Seattle Prep have communicated and it has been decided that yes, they will be allowed to partake in our extracurricular activities.

In terms of adapting to a Collegio class everyday, that is something the Bishop

Blanchet students will have to figure out for themselves.

When asked their opinion on Bishop Blanchet sending 35% of their students to Seattle Prep, Andy Brautigam ‘17 said, “I think it’s going to be super weird to go to school with people I don’t know.” Junior, Sofía Gutierrez, mentioned, “I know a lot of people from Blanchet! I’m actually really excited despite what other people are saying.”

It remains unknown whether or not the Bishop Blanchet students will attend Seattle Prep for more than a month because it depends on how quickly their plumbing system can be fixed. For now, Bishop Blanchet’s students will stay at Seattle Prep for about four weeks. They are expected to arrive sometime this month!

Considering the open rivalry between Bishop Blanchet and Seattle Prep, potential tensions between the students are inevitable. This change in school life will may be a struggle for the Panthers, but it is something that the student body must accept. It may even be a good thing for the two schools to merge. Nevertheless, school will go on as usual with the exception of some new faces in the halls.

Freshmen Concerned as Bellarmine Collegio Students Stop Complaining

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onzaga, Loyola, and Xavier students are worried about their Bellarmine friends after their sudden halt on complaining. Members of Bellarmine are notorious for their constant whining about how difficult their Collegio is, and other freshmen are sick of hearing about what life in so-called “Rigormine” is like.

After realizing they hadn’t heard any Bellarmine complaints in an hour, the Prep community, especially fellow fresh-

RYAN DAY ‘20 and MAHOY MIÑOY ‘20 Staff Writers

men, were extremely concerned about their Bellarmine counterparts. The cause of this sudden epidemic is unknown, but the counseling department is on the case. The calldown list continues to expand as Zipse, Johnston, and Boyle work on finding a solution.

“Ever since the first day of school, I’ve become accustomed to so many complaints from the Bellarmine Bellas that I feel like my day isn’t complete without them,”

Libby Messner ‘20 says. “I honestly feel SHOOK. Life at Prep is not the same, and even though I hate their constant complaining, I’m not sure I can live without it either.”

Other students are wondering if the Bella’s have finally realized that they are not the most tortured freshman Collegio students, but this theory was shot down when Bellarmine student, Joe Robinson ‘20, was asked about the situation. “No comment,” he said.

While the cause of this strange occurrence remains unknown, Gonzaga, Loyola, and Xavier students rest assured, knowing that they might finally get credit for how hard they work in class. Gonzaga student JP Beer said, “I’m happy to see that Bellarmine is finally not complaining anymore! Their complaints discredit the hard work that we do every day.”

THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2017 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

Jelena Together Again

After years of countless breakups, makeups, and on and off relationships, it’s official: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have reunited again. This time for good.

The couple announced their marriage two days after the rumored relationship started

up again. According to inside sources, the couple was secretly married in Las Vegas.

Billions of fans have sent out letters to Abel in condolences. Rumor has it he isn’t taking the breakup too well. Sorry Abel. Jelena forever.

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ENTERTAINMENT EDITORS: MEME PARENT ‘19, MYA GRUFF ‘19, & LESLIE KNOPE ‘19

Cash Me In The White House, How Bout Dah? LESLIE KNOPE ‘19 & MEME PARENT ‘19 Staff Writers

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n April 32, Danielle Bregoli will be inaugurated into the position of Attorney General, henceforth replacing the former Attorney, Jeff Sessions.

Bregoli, most commonly renowned as the “Cash Me Outside” girl has previously worked with and collaborated with the highly accomplished Dr. Phil and will ameliorate Donald Trump’s current staff. Bregoli

was appointed by President Donald Trump who views her as a young woman “with a winning temperament, just as I have.”

Last night, Ms. Bregoli gave a riveting and insightful speech regarding her recent nomination. She said, “I’m like hashtag blessed, ya know? This is so bomb! Ima bout to slay this job. Shoutout to ma haterzzz.”

Bregoli eloquently thanked her multiple “fans and homies who neva stop not supporting” her.

As she continued her speech, stopping to take selfies from time to time, she

also addressed hate comments posted online from her various social media accounts.

Bregoli responded by telling people not to “hate on the NBT (next big thing).”

Some of the hater comments included “she needs to be thrown off a cliff” as well as “you are the reason humans need to be exterminated.”

Following the inauguration, Bregoli travelled to Pizza Hut with her new employees and allegedly attacked a Canadian woman who was “just walking out the door, minding [her] own business.”

In a statement from Barbara Ann

Bregoli, Danielle’s mother, she addressed her daughter’s actions and told reporters “Dani is just a child so she should be able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants.”

Other “non haters” have expressed their willingness to accept Bregoli into the White House without hesitation. Some of her most prominent fans commented on her social media saying that “Obviously, she will be an amazing replacement for Jeff Sessions. We are so excited to catch her in the White House as Attorney General, how bout dah!”

A KillerAndASweetReunion: Eileen Kelly ‘13 Returns to Prep

Kelly poses with her favorite saint, St. Ignatius.

GEFFREY SMITH ‘17 Online Editor-in-Chief

P

rep students constantly hear the phrase, “Go forth and set the world on fire.” This could possibly be the driving factor as to why so many of its students become very successful after high school. Prep reunions have shown that some alums have even become so successful that they become celebrities whose names are constantly plastered on television and social media. These celebrities have walked the Seattle Prep halls at some point in their lives including Nick Robinson, Amanda Knox, Bryce Fisher, and Jeffrey Pelayo.

But one Prep alum stands out amongst the others, and that is Eileen Kelly.

Graduating in the Seattle Prep

Kelly gives an autograph to the woman that inspired her to fulfill her dreams, Mrs. Fields. class of 2013, Eileen Kelly entered the New School in New York and fulfilled a career in modeling. She is currently living in New York City and has created quite a name for herself. The socialite was born and raised in Seattle, Washington and first became famous through her Tumblr account where she would give advice to other teenagers. Today, she is more well-known for her Instagram account which mostly features pictures of herself and consists of over 396,000 followers.

Along with social media, Kelly has also gained a lot of recognition from V Magazine, W Magazine, and Coveteur.

On September 22, Kelly decided to take a break from the exciting life of New York to attend the Seattle Prep 125th Reunion. Trying to keep her identity hidden, she wore a pair of white pointy sunglasses as seen in the photo. Those who attended the reunion do not recall her presence mostly because they mistakenly identified her as current Prep student Mimi Jurion ‘17. Jurion states, “The next day everyone kept telling me how great I looked at the event. I wasn’t even there. People always think that Eileen Kelly and I look alike, but to be honest, I don’t see it.”

It was an exciting day for Se-

“People always think that Eileen Kelly and I look alike, but to be honest, I don’t see it.”

-Mimi Jurion ‘17

Kelly takes a selfie with her #1 fan, Selome Zerai. attle Prep knowing that Kelly returned to celebrate the school’s 125th birthday. In a world where Kelly is constantly stopped to take a quick selfie, no one even dared to recognize her except for her true fans, Selome Zerai ‘17 and Mrs. Fields. “I just met.... THE Eileen Kelly...” says Zerai shocked in a follow-up interview.

After realizing the affects that a simple Prep alum can have on another student, Zerai realized that she too can become as successful as Kelly. Though Zerai has decided to enter the field of technology and computer sciences instead of modeling, she has hope in her future because “if Eileen can do it, so can I!”

Trump Presidency NOT a Prank Claim YouTubers

SABELLAIS USONYS ‘19 Staff Writer

A

t this moment, the country is split in two as feelings of happiness or sadness spread across America’s faces. Many people predicted that Clinton would win and in the earlier stages of the election, it was clear that she had an advantage over Trump. What happened?

There have been numerous accusations that Trump and his presidency are in the hands of YouTubers and the presidency is all a prank. It seems crazy, but

there is a big theory called “You-Trump” that was created last month that proves it to be true. It states that pranks on YouTube have become very popular and that there was a new challenge that was made for just for pranksters to create the ultimate prank.

And what is more ultimate than pranking an entire nation?

Although this seems like a farfetched idea, with the power that YouTubers have, it could be possible. YouTubers have the power to do pretty much anything because of their strong influence over their audience and their profit from their content

and sponsorships.

According to social media researcher Toby Unwin, of all of the categories of media, social media is the most influential. YouTube, with over 1 billion users, is the most influential of them all. Additionally, recent studies show that the average successful YouTuber earns around 3.6 million dollars every year. With that large amount of money and their influence, they could have persuaded Trump to run for President, bribed him with money to go through with it, and have the ultimate prank.

Many known YouTube pranksters

deny this theory. Roman Atwood, a successful YouTube prankster with over 10 million subscribers, recently stated that “I admit that YouTubers may do some crazy stuff on here, including me. No one is crazy enough to devise a plan to affect the whole world though.”

Another famous YouTube prankster, FouseyTube, with over 9 million subscribers, said “We have the power to influence the media, but we do not have the power to influence a nation.”

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THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2017 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

FEATURE EDITOR: NICK ROBINSON ‘20

Prep Drama to Stage Musical of “Beloved”

Following the highly successful performance of “Frankenstein” last year, Seattle Prep Drama will present a musical version of the popular Junior Collegio novel “Beloved” by Toni Morrison.

“Beloved!” will mix serious sub-

A Fraud of Galactic Proportions

T

he shocking Wikileaks hack of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration released top secret documents describing the staging of the moon landing of 1969 has astounded students across Seattle Prep.

Edward Snowden's team of hackers committed national treason against the United States government by illegally hacking into NASA's database, publicizing hundreds of confidential documents. These documents detailed the elaborate plan of the US government to convince the world they were the first to set foot on the moon. The 1960s were a time of high tensions in the Cold War between Russia and The United States. President Lyndon B. Johnson believed that if we faked a moon landing then the Soviet Union would back down, this ul-

timately proving ineffective.

Nasa’s document has been met with surprising approval from all age groups. It seems that most people actually never believed that the moon landing happened in the first place.

Daniel Hendricks ‘17 was less than surprised when we asked him, about his opinion on the matter. “I'm not surprised, I always thought it was fake. It just confirmed my suspicions. There was always suspicions with the flag waving in the non-atmospheric environment and the lack of footsteps...This really just opens the door to other conspir-

acy theories.”

Possibly due to the senior classes ‘superior intelligence’ Lex de Suduiraut ‘17 also seemed well informed on this groundbreaking topic, but had a more betrayed perspective.

She said, “I'm still in shock, I don't trust the government anymore. That's ridiculous how is this not bigger news.

I can't believe I've trusted the government for the past 17 years of my life. First Trump, now this?" Obviously this news is hard for everyone to hear considering the moon landing is such a nationalistic event that so many are proud of.

Lily Teders ‘19 sees this news as

“I always thought it was fake. It just confirmed my suspicions.”

-Daniel Hendricks ‘17

jects with snappy musical numbers. Veteran Prep thespian George Kent ‘17 said “It’s going to be a challenge to be sure, but I think adding music to the text will really enhance Morrison’s non-linear narrative.

NICK BRADSHAW ‘19, PETE MITCHELL ‘19 Staff Writers what could be the tip of the iceberg. She said, “Oh my god, what the heck government? Boy my life is changed. No one has been on the moon? I'm gonna be the first person to reach the moon! What else has the government lied about?” Now that the government has admitted to lying, it is hard to know what to believe.

Some students, like Chaz Royer ‘19, still trust in the government even after the admittance of dishonesty. “I didn't think much about it initially but now that I hear that they lied I still trust the US government.

I assume that they lied to protect us."

This is a scary time in the history of the United States, proposing the question that most are thinking, what else did the government lie to us about?

Scientists on 2016: “You’re not Crazy, Just in Denial” NICK ROBINSON ‘20 Staff Writer

R

ecently, a group of scientists at the UW looked into a common nightmare all of us have had and discovered something groundbreaking. The nightmare did actually occur. The nightmare is of a year full of destruction that sent our nation spiraling into a dumpster.

The year, commonly referred to as “2016,” has widely been regarded as simply a nightmare since New Years of 2017 as the events are just too preposterous.

Lisa Turner, a psychologist at UW, said: “Often times, our brain represses negative memories as a defense tactic. However, never before has an entire nation completely forgotten about a full year in history.”

So far the public outcry has been overwhelming, with many still denying the year’s existence. Across the country, a flurry of protests have broken out, from peaceful vigils over the death of our country to full

out riots. Boston saw a particularly intense riot that The Panther was present at.

“No way is Prince actually dead!”

Screamed one protestor.

“We still have a full year of an Obama presidency!” Shouted another.

Unfortunately, the evidence is irrefutable. 2016 did occur, the events—and the aftermath—are all completely and utterly real, no matter how much you argue. Recently, emergency crisis centers have been popping up all over cities for those who are still trying to process that the England left the EU and that Donald Trump is now President of the United States.

With crime up and the environment declining, not many are sure that we can recover.

“It’s like believing that you have a week to do a term paper, but suddenly realizing that it’s due tonight.” Explains Michael Thorpe, a student at UW. “Except the term paper is the fate of our country, and the realization is amplified by 100.”

“...Never before has an entire nation completely forgotten about a full year in history.”

The Great Con-Sphere-Acy

I

KYRIE IRVING ‘18 Staff Writer

admit, I misspoke during that interview.

You know, the one where I said the earth was flat. My eyes have been opened to the true reality: the earth is round.

Before, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the circular argument that the earth was spherical, but now I see it’s the only way for the world to work.

Timofey Mozgov told me he can see the curvature of the earth because he’s 7 feet and an inch tall. Even though we traded him, I took his word for it. Besides, he was in Denver for a while and they’re a mile up in elevation, but Shaq recently said he believed the earth was flat as well. Just in case you haven’t seen any of

his gold bond commercials, but he’s crazy.

If he believes this, then there’s no way I will.

Yes, I have seen things in my educational system that are untrue, but I mistook this as one of them. The earth is round-circular. Why else would things be labeled like the Antarctic Circle. It’s circular! I’ve found out that Flat Earthers believe that Antarctica is just a tall wall of ice. Where do all the penguins live then?

These people can’t be serious. Ball is life-earth is shaped like a ball. Coincidence? I think not.

“...It’s the only way for the world to work.”

Photo Credits: Gabby Genepool Protestors in Boston outside of a local CVS before it was burned down. The Boston protests caused 13 million dollars in damage overall, according to CNN News.

Pitbull’s ‘Climate Change’: a Passionate Call for Global Warming Action LAUREN THOMAS ‘19 Staff Writer

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ow more than ever, celebrities have been involving themselves in our nation’s politics. Pitbull, a Miamiborn rapper, baffled listeners when he joined fellow artists in speaking out about environmental issues.

On March 17, 2017 Pitbull released what New York Times called “[His] most bewildering album to date.” Through lyrical rap and hip-hop beats, ‘Climate Change’ addresses arguably our generation’s biggest issue. Featuring tracks such as “(Drive my) Prius” and “Ozone is a No-Zone” , the album has been praised as “one of the most politically-conscious albums of all time.”

Differences between the 2017 album and Pitbull’s previous work are striking. Usual themes of ambition, women and his heritage have been completely replaced with warnings about our impending environmental doom.

It’s not surprising that Pitbull would release an environmentally conscious album, considering his 2012 solo album ‘Global Warming’. Mumbling over the intro to the album’s leading title track, Pitbull lays it out: “Live my dreams, y’all dormant/Category 6 as I storm in/Take this as a warning/Welcome to, welcome to global warming.”

Some of the rapper’s critics have argued that there’s no more honest way to approach the impending extinction of humanity than by encouraging individuals to embrace his message of partying and club culture.

Pitbull’s allusions to our collective impending doom often come veiled within common rap references to partying and women, which begs the question: has Pitbull been trying to warn us about climate change all along? If this new champion of environmental protection plans to continue enlightening his audience, then to him we say ‘dale’.

THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2017 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

SPORTS

Prep Student Outdopes Russian Weightlifters

Under direction of Coach Durand, Prep football players have been spending 3 mornings a week purportedly lifting wights.

It has come out this week however that what has really been going on is a massive doping

ring led by Alex Hill ‘17. Given the recent scandal in Russia over weight lifting doping, the U.S. government has decided to deport Hill to, “ a climate where he will fit right in.”

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EDITORS: HARRISON BAMBRICK ‘17, KYRIE IRVING ‘18, EMILY CORNMILL ‘19, and MEGHAN KEARNEY ‘16

Prep to Hire Peterhans as Football Coach NYLES MOWAK ‘19 and HWEN OENDRICKS ‘19 Staff Writers

A Photo: Liam Sullivan New football coach Paul Peterhans is ready to get the boys pumped up this coming year. He plans to use meditation, nap time and classical music before games to ensure peak level performances.

Football Replaced with Dance Troupe

EMILY CORNMILL ‘19 Staff Writer

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ulse is feeling extremely put out as the Seattle Prep Football Team is being replaced by an interpretative dance team, “The Touchdowns”. After finishing their season, the Prep football team has been disbanded, and is making way for a new era of the arts. This new team will perform at competitions around the state, and if successful, will go to Nationals. The team will perform at school events like open house and assemblies and competitions alike.

However, this new team is causing some controversy around Prep campus, with both sports teams and artistic teams.

Pulse member, Hattie KenKnight, complains that “Pulse was here first. If anyone was going to replace those ball-throwers, it should have been the original dance team!

Who else has this level of slay?”

There have been general complaints from the former football team members, mostly concerning what the rest of their high school careers were going to look like. Sam Hickey ’17, said that “Replacing an age old sport and tradition with dancers is an absolute travesty! Who knew that cleats would be replaced with jazz slippers?”

Though the details about this new team are still being determined, auditions for spots on the team will be over the summer. Coach Maul has taken on the job as the head coach and says he is ready for the challenge ahead. Director of Student Life, Mr. Kelly said,“Hopefully the transition from football to the dance troupe will go smoothly. We are investing a lot of money into the new coach and equipment, so their success is very important. Like, really important.”

In the spirit of being open to growth, let’s support and welcome “The Touchdowns” into the Prep community and activities!

thletic Director, Brian Elsner, has set out to take a more peaceful view of football, electing Mr. Peterhans as the new Head Coach. Peterhans is planning to incorporate meditation, yoga, and beanie knitting to the program.

The tough decision was made last week as they needed an immediate replacement for Current Football Head Coach Aaron Maul who will take over the Western Meditation class.

Sophomore Jack McLaughlin stated, “After suffering a minor concussion last

season it’s nice to hear that the violent nature of football will be taken out in the upcoming season.”

Though it will be hard to let go of Coach Maul’s football program, Peterhans plans to continue Maul’s mission of “Love our Brothers,” but hopes to carry out this mission in a more peaceful and loving way.

In previous years, the team has traveled to California and British Columbia to play games however Peterhans hopes to move the Panthers spiritually, if not physically “My hope is to have the team play on a different level…a different spiritual level.”

Peterhans also hopes to change the weight room into a yoga studio. Coach Durand declined to be interviewed for this article.

Prep Gets Ultimate Team MEGHAN KEARNEY ‘16 Staff Writer

N

ext year Seattle Prep will be adding yet another spring sport, Ultimate Frisbee. Although the season isn’t starting until next spring, training will start in the summer.

It will be a year round sport and be very intense. Ultimate is not a sport for the weak. Training will begin with three days a week of weight room workouts. Team members will be doing bench presses, weighted squats, pull ups and lots of core work to give them the ability to throw the frisbee to an optimal distance. In addition, they will be spending two days a week on agility training and frisbee work at Montlake Playfield.

The intensity will only increase as the season draws nearer. It is said that there will be before and after school practices so that the team can work on their plays and transitions before the first game of the sea-

son in March. Morning practices will take place in the Seattle Prep gym and weight room while evening practices will be at a turf field near Prep.

Try-outs are scheduled to be held at the same time as all other spring sports; however, all are encouraged to come out for summer, fall and winter workouts. It is not guaranteed that coming out will get you a spot on the team though. There will be cuts because tryouts are expected to be very competitive.

Prep has yet to reveal the coach, but there are rumors surfacing that a Seattle Country Day School or Northwest School alum will be hired to fill the position.

With all the speculation about the coach, there is one thing that is for sure. Seattle Prep will put together an elite team of ultimate frisbee athletes who will have the potential to be the crowning jewel of Seattle Preparatory High School Athletics.

Breaking News: Ms. Pasztor to Coach Prep Crew Next Year HARRISON “THE TARHEEL” BAMBRICK ‘17 Staff Writer

E

Photo: Creative Commons A photo of Ms. Pasztor during her most famous victory in at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. She took home the gold medal. It now resides in her office and is in use as a paperweight.

veryone’s favorite AB Calculus teacher is going to be the Prep Crew coach next year!

So how did Ms. Pasztor get into water sports? Well, the first thing to explain is that Hungarians as a people have a long history of doing well in water sports. The main reason for this seems to be the fact that Hungary is a land locked country and therefore water sports are particularly accessible to all. That accessibility means that everyone has a chance to show their talent, but only the best gain government subsidization and go own to the elite sport of canoeing.

Pasztor is widely considered the best ever rower to come out of the Hungarian Subsidization Program, but unfortunately a terrible case of the Mathimatica Virus cut her rowing career short.

Nonetheless, Pasztor has remained deeply involved with the program and recently her efforts paid off in a big way. This past summer at the Rio Olympics, Hungary took home three gold medals in Canoeing.

And while every Prep student and their grandmother knew that, what has remained unknown was who had made the break through in water sport mathematics. It turns out Seattle Prep’s own Pasztor was the X factor in the shock victory.

Using an advanced combination of pre-calculus and AB Calculus equations, Pasztor discovered the secret to making objects move more quickly through the water.

While the equation itself is a secret, its components have been declassified. The main part of the equation is founded on basic integration on a definite integral, but the more complex side of the equation deals with polar coordinates, logarithmic integration, Euler’s method and disk method.

So what does the equation actually calculate? The principle purpose is to calculate what course to take through the field of obstacles in a canoeing race. While obstacles like ripples caused by rocks thrown on the shore and sub currents caused by fish breathing may seem trivial, they are actually incredibly important, often affecting times by a factor of 3.14 x 10^-99. Before Ms. Pasztor’s equation, such obstacles were considered unavoidable, but with the equation in hand, Hungarian canoeists had the upper hand over the competition.

That superiority over the competition is what Ms. Pasztor hopes to bring to the Prep crew team next year. Prep rowers will be given exclusive access to the equation and will be required to memorize all 643 terms and their functions so that while in the water they can recalculate their course around obstacles without pausing in their rowing. Good luck rowers and happy memorization!

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THE SEATTLE PREP PANTHER | APRIL 1, 2017 | SEAPREPPANTHER.ORG

THE

BACK PAGE

EDITORS: OLIVIA FRIGILLANA ‘17, JEFFEREIE SMITH ‘17, AND MIKAELA PELAYO ‘17

If you were a meme,

which one would you be?

Eel Eyes, Snake Guts, and More: Prep Cafeteria Gets Exotic!

ANAKIN SKYWALKER ‘18

Imagine waiting in line after a grueling Monday morning of classes and smelling the acrid scent of Japanese wasp crackers and Scottish blood sausage. Some may grimace at this image or find it distinctively nauseating, but others have recently complained to the administration that Prep lacks a variety of global flavors. Head Chef Mrs. Carter was beaming last Wednesday morning when she announced at the faculty meeting that the Prep cafeteria was about to start experimenting more.

Cade Osterman ‘17 lamented to The Panther his concerns centering around the lack of diversity of dishes at school. “It’s a disgrace,” he said of the typical American school menu. “We must start celebrating the different tastes people enjoy and introducing new things. By the end of one school year, we can have students hooked on cool foods and appreciating other cultures.”

When asked about the dishes she and the kitchen staff would be serving, Mrs. Carter listed several things she was excited to introduce. Maggot cheese, for an example, is a Sardinian preparation of sheep’s milk cheese that is famous for containing live insect larvae. Serving this will require the school to provide protective glasses, as sometimes the insects jump up into people’s

eyes when they are panicked.

The school is also hoping to be able to give people a taste of Vietnam by serving still beating cobra hearts in shot glasses of their own blood. One more teaser Mrs. Carter gave was that moist balut, a popular street food in the Philippines, would be introduced. This is a developing duck embryo that is boiled alive in its shell and is said to taste like chicken.

The Panther asked the cafeteria staff how they intended to pay for the more exotic foods, to which the reply was, “Well, we anticipate that a lot less kids will keep buying school lunches, so we won’t have to pay for that much food anymore.” However, some students have a lot of hope for how delectable the new foods will be. Marcus Brown ‘18 exclaimed, “I just can’t wait to get my hands all over those snake guts! It should be fun and help bring new bonding experiences to the Prep cafeteria. I hope everyone gets into the idea behind it and enjoys the diversity.”

Though these food options may sound rather grotesque at first, the reality is that they are widely consumed around the world. There are some fairly interesting things that people may discover to bring bliss to their taste buds.

Photo: Anakin Skywalker Students wait in line eagerly anticipating the new offerings from the Smith Cafeteria. The cafeteria has expanded to include more exotic offerings.