Volume 36 Issue 5 & 6 by The Stony Brook Press

VOLUME XXXVI ISSUE 5

APRIL 2015

CONTENTS

FEATURES

SB BUS DRIVER PROFILE A look at the people behind the wheel.

A talk on findin a balance with Cryptodira, Detriment, Separated, and Nice Shot, Kid.

Construction I Married A Seawolf! He Became Wolfie Alternate Roth Regatta Pull Quotes the Article

01 01 02 02 26 25

OPINION Campus Theater Review Tinder is Scurry In Depth Interview w/ Lil B

EXECUTIVE EDITOR MANAGING EDITOR ASSOCIATE EDITOR BUSINESS MANAGER PRODUCTION MANAGER ART DIRECTOR NEWS EDITOR FEATURES EDITOR CULTURE EDITOR SPORTS EDITOR OPINION EDITOR SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER PHOTO EDITOR COPY EDITOR MINISTER OF ARCHIVES NOMBUNS

IAN SCHAFER JULIANNE MOSHER CHARLIE SPITZNER JAY SHAH TAYLOR KNOEDL HOLLY LAVELLI RANDALL WASZYNSKI KYLE BARR RICKY SOBERANO JAEL HENRY JOSH STAVRAKOGLOU JASMINE WIBISONO KEVIN URGILES JON WINKLER JORDAN BOWMAN BEATRICE VANTAPOOL

BUILD A BRIDGE You ever have one of those days? Well we’ve got a solution to all your problems.

CULTURE

“NEWS” WebMD

BAND LIFE VS BOOK LIFE

03 19 20

Bionicle Harper Lee Excerpt Learning Punk Rock Sexxx Drugzzz Chicken! A Review Alien Abduction GRRM’s New Book Series Guide to Movie Hopping

SPORTS Pacquiao v Mayweather Pacman v John Cena Pokemon Battle

09 10 11 12 14 15 16 17 18 21 22 23

STAFF ALICIA BERMUDEZ CARLOS CARDONIGA JAMES GROTTOLE KAT GU DEMI GUO DAKOTA JORDAN

MICHELLE KARIM ADAM KLEIN JAKE LATREILLE SHAN LIN JESSICA OPATICH LISA SETYON-ORTENZIO

TSVETAN PANOV CHRIS PRIORE RONNY REYES YUKA SAIJO DIEGO ZELAYA YOU

The Stony Brook Press is published monthly during the academic year and twice during summer session by The Stony Brook Press, a student-run non-profit organization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opinions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect editorial policy. Staff meetings are held Wednesdays at 1:00 p.m. First copy free. For additional copies contact the Business Manager. THE STONY BROOK PRESS ROOM 236, STUDENT UNION SUNY AT STONY BROOK STONY BROOK, NY 117943200 EMAIL: EDITORS@SBPRESS.COM

EDITORIAL

Now Here’s Some Spoofs, Ya Goofs

Last month, the editors of the Stony Brook Press decided upon recent events that we would dedicate our issue to alleviating the stress, depression and anxiety that students face during their time at school. Ironically, many members of this magazine’s staff ended up having to deal with their own anxiety over creating the issue. We’re sorry that March is a little bit delayed, but we think you’re going to dig this instead. After much deliberation and discussion, we decided that we would combine March and April to create a double feature monster of a magazine - Fools and Feels, alternatively “Marpil” - and collaborate our favorite holiday (April Fools) with the self help articles we wrote for you.

CONSPIRACY THEORIES: At The Press, we like to take ourselves seriously in the way we write and the content we put out. But this issue will feel like a departure from tradition. How did we interview the alien who abducted Tom DeLonge? Is President Stanley going crazy because he stared at the sun for too long? Why did Lil B contact one of our writers for an exclusive, in-depth interview? Well, it involved a lot of cynicism, Woodward and Bernstein style “Deep Throating” and an extraordinary amount of alcohol. It all started when we received a tip about the Mad Crapper, a student or professor who defecates in public locations around the campus. The investigation to find the individual led to a dead end after we spent weeks in bushes waiting for someone to shit on the ground. While we eventually realized that the whole thing was

made up, researching the Mad Crapper showed us that a whole world exists outside of traditional, or real, journalism. A kind of journalism where our imagination is the only limit. Some people call this ‘satire.’ Urban Dictionary defines it as “an excuse for allowing someone who agrees with you to say something you were already complaining about as long as it is an insult to the people you’re against.” We don’t know what that means, but we agree. I know what you’re thinking. Satire? In The Press? Has the whole world gone topsy turvy? Well don’t you worry your normal shaped head because we’ve included plenty of wonderful articles that’ll be sure to make you know more things. But while you’ll be getting your brain filled with that juicy, juicy knowledge goo, you’ll also be privy to some of the creepiest and most psychotic ramblings that can be legally printed on paper. Some of you will marvel at the fact that you’re holding a physical object, some of you will be frightened. Or aroused. Others may even be entertained. Sure, we might offend a few of the blue-noses with our cocky stride and musky odor - oh we know we’ll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues and stroke their beards. But we don’t care. So why can’t we review fried chicken around campus or talk about a half-lion-half-man university president who makes students have sex with fish? Who’s gonna stop us? You? HA. People might argue that writing about vague, crude and mostly made-up nonsense is a waste of time for a serious, straight-edge magazine like The Stony Brook Press. These people don’t exist. And they’re wrong.

NEWS

WebMD: So Accurate, It RHurts R onald

ue to its reputation of incorrectly diagnosing its users, WebMD, the only symptom checker, has launched a new update to its system that will guarantee a 100 percent accuracy rate. The new update will allow WebMD to physically inflict its users with whatever they were selfdiagnosed with. “No more jokes, no more excuses, no more inaccuracies,” said David Schlanger, CEO of WebMD. “This is the future of health.” A freshman at Stony Brook University was one of the first to

use the new symptom-checker as she sought the truth behind her heavy breathing, blurry vision and decreased appetite during her midterms. “My mom was a fool to think it was because I’m not eating her food anymore. Thanks to WebMD, I now know that I have diabetic ketoacidosis,” said the freshman, who could not be identified as she slipped into a diabetic coma immediately after giving the statement. Cases like these are not uncommon as hospitals have become flooded with patients who have contracted various

diseases due to the new update and some are claiming that they didn’t know about the changes to WebMD. “I finally get how to use a computer and they changed everything without telling me,” says a 60-year-old nurse, who wished not to be identified because he suggested patients use the symptom-checker to diagnose themselves. He claimed that he was having trouble getting a good night’s rest, attributing his insomnia to a numbness he felt in his hands. His colleagues tried convincing him that

CONSTRUCTION Taylor Knoedl

“It’s definitely going to be a new building,” President Stanley announced at the press conference. “I’m thinking something geometrical—like a cube, or rectangle.” Stanley wasn’t able to provide us any specifics about these shapes. “It’ll have doors,” he added. When pressed about whether or not the new building would include windows, Stanley wholeheartedly confirmed. “I’m not too sure about shutters or door knobs and all that jazz, though.” Construction of this new 01

building is set to happen indefinitely. “Since we’ve begun, there have been intentions to finish this project.” President Stanley stated while standing on the construction site while wearing a hard hat. “Isn’t this a funny hat?” he asks. An expert in the field notes on the project: “The project will probably require some tree removal. Typically in a construction project, tree removal is necessary.” The site of the construction project is confirmed to occur on

eyes

he was lying on his hands, causing them to fall asleep, but he refused to listen to them. “What do they know? They’re not doctors,” he said. They were doctors. When he typed his symptoms into WebMD without reading the update notice, he acquired peripheral neuropathy, a condition that damages the nerves in the victim’s limbs. “Let this be a lesson to you, doctors don’t know everything,” he said while checking WebMD once again to find out what was now causing his constant dizziness.

ANNOUNCED ON CAMPUS

campus, in a location currently inhabited by trees. It is likely that an older building may be demolished

ll have “it’doors ”

sometime before or after the construction of a new building. Though no official statement has been made, it has been suggested that there will be a “coffee procurement facility” established in the new building.

Starbucks refused to comment. When questioned about the purpose of the new building, President Stanley appeared confused and began to violently convulse. When inquired about Stony Brook’s position in the nation as a research facility, Stanley’s mood elevated. “Stony Brook University is an excellent research facility. Ours is one of the top in the nation!” President Stanley smiled and gave a thumbs up, refusing to comment any further to avoid providing non-ambiguous information.

marrying a seawolf JAY SHAH

xtinction is kind of a big problem for animals that go extinct. The seawolf may be one of these animals (the ones that go extinct). Stony Brook University is taking drastic steps to ensure that the seawolf doesn’t go the way of the dodo. Starting next semester, each student will be required to be married to a seawolf during their time at the university. The purpose of this policy seems to be to provide the seawolf with a companion which would make it easier for the seawolf to breed. Stanley explained this policy to various student organizations at an informal meeting in his office. The Stony Brook Marine Science Club explained that the program doesn’t make any sense since “humans and fish can’t breed together.” Nicole Benzz, a person who owns a fish, tried to explain this using sock puppets to President

Stanley, who dismissed the argument, saying, “Bosh! Flimshaw!” before leaving the room. He was feeling really stressed out that day. He swaggered back into the room 30 minutes later wearing a backwards cap and carrying a surfboard, saying that he had to “go calm down,” and that “being president is just really hard sometimes.” Stanley continued as if nothing had happened, he explained that his human and seawolf mating program was part of the legacy he wished to leave behind with Stony Brook and all of its alumni. “I’ve been watching a lot of House of Cards and Game of Thrones, and they really made me think about what happens once my two terms are up.” USG representative Yames Yalrassi, who also owns a fish, tried to explain “that’s not how being a university president works,” but Stanley didn’t listen. When asked about the legality of forcing students to marry a fish, President Stanley told the student media to “fuck off,” calling them “poser ass bitches.” We were then forced out of the office while being heavily beaten by his cronies. “When we made a pact with our lord and savior, this piece of geese poop I found on my leg, we promised to cherish and protect our seawolf brethren,” Stanley preached to the empty office. “Sir, are you okay?,” asked his secretary over the intercom, confused why she could hear what he was saying. “Yeah I’m alright, it’s just this incredible heat. I don’t know how much more I can take,” said Stanley. He had forgotten to press the reply button on the intercom, so his secretary was still confused. As Stanley the Manley looked out his office window, he gazed over the bountiful Stony Brook University Campus: with its incredible bookstore, LaValle Stadium, and other words that will fulfill the minimum length quota for this article. The light from the setting sun glinted off of his beautiful lion mane. “Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom. A king’s time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king,” said Stanley. What? “Don’t worry about it.”

HE Became WOLFIE ronald reyes

tony Brook University S students realized something was wrong when

they posed next to Wolfie, the university mascot, and smelled the strong stench of urine and sweat. When they questioned Wolfie about the smell, the mascot threw a tantrum, attacked the group of students and kidnapped one of them. The anthropomorphic wolf was apprehended later that day, but officials were surprised to find that the mascot’s head would not come off, revealing that Wolfie had been trapped in his costume for over 127 hours. The university’s president Samuel L. Stanley issued a statement to the students

explaining why no one had noticed that the mascot was stuck. University officials stated that the student fell on his head after putting on the costume, which caused him to suffer from disorientation and amnesia. When the mascot awoke and saw his reflection in one of the many puddles on campus, he believed that he was a real wolf. The statement coincides with several other reports that claimed sightings of a man-sized wolf with a baseball-cap on running around campus and attacking seagulls. “I thought it was a werewolf,” said one student, who wished not to be identified in order to avoid

ridicule over her theory. “I should’ve been tipped off by the red jersey and shorts.” Although Wolfie was feral at night, the mascot was surprisingly friendly during the day. Several behavioral psychologist on campus have argued that deep inside the mascot’s subconscious lay a need to high-five strangers and pose for pictures. Officials attributed this to why Wolfie’s dilemma went unnoticed for so long. In light of this situation, other universities are inspecting their mascots in order to avoid the same problem. Wichita State University has already revealed that a similar incident happened last week when their mascot,

Wushock, hit his head and believed he was a shock of wheat. The mascot was found days later lying in a wheat field trying to achieve photosynthesis.

OPINION

An Avant Garde One Man Show Liam Wallace

General Chemistry

serialized play with new installments every week. The plot is fairly simple at the start: it begins as a one man show. The actor plays Professor Willie Johnson and pretends to teach the audience a type of natural philosophy called “chemistry.” The conceit of the show is that we, the playgoers, are Johnson’s students. This is a device used in nearly all Science plays—a way to let the audience feel engaged with the performance. Johnson clearly both despises and fears his students but this is hidden beneath a veneer of saccharine wellwishing. It’s a subtle and naturalistic performance. “I hope you all learn to love chemistry as much as we do this semester, and have as much fun learning it as we have teaching it,” he announces in a dead monotone to start the play. He then begins un-animatedly reciting “PowerPoint Slides”—images projected on the wall behind him which, comically, merely restate what he says. If the play sounds boring to you so 03

far: it is. The aim of Science is radical realism—perfect imitation of the feeling of life—and life is really boring most of the time. However Science, sadly, gives into the pressure to entertain, and the plot soons begins to thicken and rise like a yeasty artisanal bread. Why is Johnson so rigid and bitter? Why is a class about natural philosophy— purporting to teach fundamental secrets of the universe—so boring? The questions only continue to build. Johnson assigns homework to the class through an interactive computer system called ALEKS. He describes it as a sort of friendly, anthropomorphic learning sidekick and guide. When I logged into the thing in between shows—a neat interactive feature for playgoers—it quickly became clear that this was a joke. The playwright has borrowed heavily from the Battle Computer in Ender’s Game, Hal the psychotic A.I. from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the boulder from the myth of Sisyphus in order to create the character of ALEKS.

ALEKS’ interface is absurdly and childishly bad. This is a defining characteristic of “homework programs” in Science plays—a sort of running joke that scientists can’t design good science education programs. It becomes clear that the company that designed it had a single purpose: to extort money from the students while providing zero value. It’s also clear that the company’s programmers are sadists (in a gritty, Faulknerian turn, it’s heavily implied that they’re monitoring the suffering inflicted on the students by ALEKS and, presumably, masturbating to it). One is led to wonder: why does the professor do this to his disciples? We find part of the answer by looking to the “students.” I was quite bothered at first by audience chatter: how tiring their latest gym workout was, how little sleep they got because of “powering through” a late night study session, and how overloaded their self-selected class schedule is. Then I realized with delight that even real people aren’t

this inane. That’s right, actors are spread throughout the theatregoers, actively playing students in Johnson’s class and reciting dialogue. It’s the modern equivalent to a Greek chorus. Instead of commenting on the action of the play in unified and beautiful song-interludes, they each individually comment on their own vacuous lives all at once and as the main character speaks. The cacophonous chatter explains the character of the professor. We see that he isn’t the villain we thought. Is he being controlled by some sinister, money-making conglomerate which runs the university? Sure. Is he getting research funding in exchange for submitting the students to the exorbitant prices of the useless “Turning Technology” clickers and the disgusting predilections of the ALEKS programmers? Yes, of course. But people are all flawed, and Johnson, at least, has passion and drive. He cares deeply about a single, beautiful (though imaginary) thing: chemistry. And then we see the real antagonist: the students (and by implication, us, the audience). It’s a delightful reveal. In the world of the play Johnson is a sort of prophet—he holds in his mind fundamental secrets of the universe—the keys to reading the book of nature—axioms that can allow us to predict the future, unveil the past, and bend nature to will. And his disciples would rather chitter about their thoughts on the ending of Gone Girl or their fatuous day than pay attention for a paltry hour. What prophet wouldn’t be embittered? Starring Anthony Hopkins, at the Javits 100 Theatre for the Performing Arts, Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 9:00 a.m. during the academic semester. Unlimited run.

Organic Chemistry I

A rip-off: introduces a host of molecules and forces and races through all of them too quickly for any character development. Everything is left unresolved or incomprehensible. Ends in a cliffhanger and you have to pay to see the sequel, Todd Tutor: Organic Chemistry, in order to get answers and conclusions. Not recommended. At the Javits 100 Theatre for the Performing Arts, Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 10:00 a.m. during the academic semester. Todd Tutor: Organic Chemistry at The Frey Hall Stage, select dates. Unlimited run.

Calculus I

This has all the pieces that made General Chemistry a classic in the Science genre: a made up, recondite field of natural philosophy; a white guy in the lead role; a chorus of chattering idiot-students; perversely expensive textbooks; and stupidly poorly made homework software. But the actor in this botched the performance. He was likable, understanding, and entertaining. The show becomes equal parts wry stand-up and wise advice. The idiot-chorus slowly quiets as the performance progresses, and in the end we all end up simply learning

about life and mathematics. The play seems to be trying to say that good teaching is still possible through will and effort, even when your students are monstrous to you and most of your job is controlled by the shadow-council running your university. As a warning to you theatregoers: I’ve been told there are actors like this in every subgenre of Science. They simply don’t get the point of it and botch the thing by putting on conventionally “entertaining” and “educational” performances. At the Simons Center 100 Performance Space Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 8:00 a.m. Unlimited run.

Molecular & Cellular Biology

A lot Molecular & Cellular Biology feels redundant if you’ve already seen General Chemistry: both follow nearly the same format and have a bitter white guy—a Doctor Willie Richards this time—as the lead. Everything just seems like an attempt to repeat concepts from General Chemistry but on a larger scale. Where we had atoms in chemistry we suddenly have cells and organs in biology. Where we talked about one hydrogen bond in chemistry, we suddenly have in biology...I don’t know... probably dozens of them holding together DNA strands. With Biology it’s all a mess—it’s unclear why anything does anything and it’s just not believable as a science. There is humor in the character. Richards insists throughout that biology is a real science, with universal principles, but then keeps saying that the best way to study is by listening to his particular, droning lectures over and over again. Richards also clearly thinks the arts are a useless trifle when in fact he badly needs the performance and communication abilities that classical theatre and literature would’ve given him. He’s great at understanding genes and cells, but struggles to interact with them once they take human form. The play does illuminate some of the mysteries of General Chemistry. Viewing this I finally realized that the “Turning Technology Response Cards” are the source of the idiotchorus. Students get points even if they’re wrong—the clickers don’t in fact encourage participation at all but rather just encourage showing up to class and jabbing buttons to get half points or a lucky right answer. This puts focus back on the bigger question: why are the lecturers forcing the students to get all these useless things: the universitybranded textbooks, the “Turning Point” clickers, and ALEKS and the other useless homework software? While it’s never explicitly stated the clear theme of the science plays is that true connection between people, and thus communication and education, is impossible, and that universities are actually mammonistic businesses run by pale shadow councils to fund their immortality research. At Javits 100 Theatre for the Performing Arts Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. during the academic semester. Unlimited run.

this strange ecosystem:

SBU TRANSIT Kyle Barr

acked like sardines in a roving metal can, Kyle Barr sits in the back of a bus heading from South P to the academic mall, trying to find a comfortable space between himself and his co-pilot in the seat beside him. One student pulls the wire to get off at South Campus. When the bus stops, she tries to push her way to the back door. She barely makes it to the stairs when the bus driver, unable to see the people in the back of the bus through the tightly packed students, closes the door. The door slams in her face, her hair is caught in the door and she screams. Kyle winces. Between 9:30 a.m. and 11 a.m. on weekdays, commuter students stand out in the snow, rain or sun to get a place on the buses that run into campus. It is a fact that not too many commuter students relish. “I’ve just given up about parking at those times,” said chemical science major Connor Ohlhorst. After three years of coming to South P in the morning, he instead parks in the paid parking spots in engineering, chemistry or next to stadium, paying for two hours of parking time for an hour and 20 minute class. The huge amount of commuter students who park at South P are practically dependent on the transit buses, and by extension the people who drive them. Most students do not get a better look than the sight of a bus driver’s eyes in the rear-view mirror. Less often do they get the time to see what’s behind that gaze. The bus drivers who were willing to talk were only allowed to give their first name due to an SBU Transit request. They seemed befuddled somebody could be interested in their interaction with students, which most bus drivers said is very little with most of their time spent paying attention to the road. Bus driver Jay had just got off the Hospital/Chapin route, which he says

takes about 21 minutes to complete a circuit. His thin mustache twitched as he spoke. “You do see some stuff,” he said when it came to student drivers. “I don’t see anything majorly dangerous, but I see people texting and driving more often than I should.” Mainly his fear is with people cutting across the road in front of his bus, especially at the S.A.C. traffic circle. Nila, a 15-year-veteran of SBU Transit had just got off the ADA bus route for students with special needs. She said sometimes the student drivers speed or cut in front of the buses. She also has to pay attention to students who cross the road at random places. “Sometimes they want to catch another bus and they just run across the road.” She referenced Kelly as one of the worst places to turn, as students cross the street from all over the place. “You have to be extra careful,” she said. The bus drivers can be the most aggressive drivers on campus, and in some ways they need to be. The bulk of the buses take up most of the room on the road, looking like someone trying to take an aircraft carrier through the Venetian canals. Jay says that most drivers are used to the size. “Once you’re up there [in the drivers seat], you can see everything around you. I find it easier to drive a bigger vehicle like that even more than my own car.” Then again, he understands why other drivers try to cut in front of the buses, “Nobody likes to be behind a bus.” Many bus drivers have been driving buses or other utility vehicles before they came to Stony Brook. Christi, who answered her questions with curt professionalism, used to drive the yellow school buses before she came to Stony Brook, and believes the students here are much more polite than younger schoolkids. “There is no comparison. I drove some bad kids, alternative kids, on my last route,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “There is no comparison, these kids are great.” Around the campus, even at South P where students grumble about the lines that can reach all the way around Wolfie’s Hut, drivers say most students are polite. “Its mostly hello, good morning, stuff like that. Sometimes you get into a conversation, but that’s it,” Jay said. He described the problem with seats being further back from the driver chair means its hard to even talk to students, let alone have a conversation. Nila rarely gets to talk to students.

FEATURES “Sometimes they ask me when the buses come or when’s the next stop? Sometimes they ask me if I like my job, or how long I’ve been working, things like that.” On most circuits the main way she interacts with students is at the final stop she takes the time to say the same phrase. “Watch your step, don’t forget to check your seats, have a good night.” While bus drivers say the express route is the most trafficked. There are times when other routes that go through residential areas and the S.A.C loop can end up just as crowded, with students lining up in the middle holding onto the bars above their heads. In some ways, the tight squeeze is intentional, as it is part of an effort to minimize traffic on the campus proper. The main commuter parking lots lie on the outskirts of the campus, and the fleet of 35 large buses wind through campus roads on the six campus designated routes. If looked at from above, the campus looks like an ant farm, with the academic mall being the queen’s chamber. The worker ants, as in the cars on the campus roads, are mostly faculty or commuter students, while the giant soldier ants, in this case the bus fleet, consolidate and facilitate the rest of the student body’s transportation. But for students taking the buses from South P at times other than the mad rush at 9:30 a.m., they still have to take more time out of their schedule to account for the bus. Stony Brook Mechanical Engineering student Michael McCabe prefers the mornings to the evenings simply because the buses arrive quicker. “The worst is the afternoon, [the buses] are easy to predict in the morning.” He says the buses can arrive within five minutes to longer than 10. The Stony Brook transit map states that the frequency for the buses on the express route is every 12 minutes. The bus fleet is the integral system that allows the campus to operate. According to James O’Connor, the Director of Sustainability & Transportation Operations, the bus serviced 2.2 million passengers last year. Even by its namesake, the department has to find a balance between the huge amount of resources it takes to operate the buses and keeping the students happy. Those students have to be happy because they are technically paying for it. The departments budget comes from

the $273 transportation student fee, which went up by $10 since last year. It leaves them a budget of $2,665,210 per semester. “The impact to the community and the environment is something we always look at,” O’Connor said. The department has several initiatives to try to limit waste and transition to being a more efficient school, like allowing students to use SBU transit to go to Smith Haven mall and Port Jefferson, the Wolfie Ride system and more efficient buses. For now, the scale of the operation of buses is not going down. The department is adding three new buses to the fleet, which O’Connor says are much more efficient than the other buses and will expand the fleet to 38 buses in total. While they are not all on the road at the same time, those 35 buses make up a large number of the vehicles seen on the campus roads. If it were an ant farm, then this strange ecosystem would work as intended. But the materials that would make an ant farm function are, in this case, students. Commuter students find they have to take much more time out of their schedules than they would necessarily need to get to class from the South P lot. After that relatively short conversation at the Bus Depot in South P, Nila was driving the Express Route for the afternoon shift. Honestly surprised to see her, Kyle Barr found a seat in the second row. The bus drivers get to choose what radio station they

get to play, hers was on 93.3, playing the softer, more contemporary music she likes. She asked Kyle how he was doing, and he asked her the same. They did some small talk, but for their talk ended ended after the bus started moving. Kyle wished he could say more, but it was hard to find a way around the emotional disconnect brought by talking to the back of someone’s head. The same bus route he has taken so many times for a semester and a half felt much longer. The bus pulled up at South P, the students got up from their seats. Nila smiled. “Watch your step, don’t forget to check your seats, have a good night,” she said.

Balancing

the Band-life & TheJames Book-life Grottola T

o the typical Long Islanders, Stony Brook University is known as a hub for engineers and scientists. To the atypical Long Islander that spends their evenings at a bar or community hall, watching three to six bands play to try to make a name for themselves outside of their hometown, Stony Brook is known as “where the smart ones go.” But, to people outside of Long Island,

some Stony Brook students may be the members of the aforementioned bands trying to make names for themselves. To these students, the difficulties of traveling the states, and in some cases the world, to play music catches up with them when they have to balance schoolwork and their musicianship. “We all have to be working jobs to support the band’s movement,”

recalled Matt Taibi, an economics major who plays drums in Cryptodira, a progressive metal band. “There’s a stigma about being in a band,” he said. Taibi then mentioned that the band’s touring schedule has to revolve around breaks from school, where in some instances, touring weekends becomes the only option. “It’s very difficult,” he said. “Booking a tour takes so much time and work, especially with being in school.” Yet, Taibi recalled several positive experiences. Last year, the band opened for a noted influence of theirs; Between the Buried and Me. This was in addition to opening for uprising black metal band Deafheaven twice. The band’s next show will be at the May “From Autumn to Ashes” show, the first in eight years on Long Island. When it came to the economics of managing both school and touring, biology major A.J. Ka-e, who plays drums in the formerly Stony Brook based band Nice Shot, Kid, brought up how many expenses a touring band has to work with. “You really have to want to do it,” he said in an interview in the Tabler Quad studio about pursuing musicianship outside of a musician’s community. He then listed the difficulties of getting a tour booked in his spring break while taking 23 credits and writing and recording a new E.P. for the band. Among other things Ka-e listed how everything from finding a vehicle to travel in, to gas, to lodging, and to eating all added up to the point where it was impossible to tour without starting fees. Ka-e assured that the band was “not expecting to make money from a tour.” He also recalled the “tour horror stories” that were echoed by Taibi, which ranged from everything to vans breaking down while on the road to “ghost promoters,” where the person who organized the show fails to show up at all and essentially disappears on the internet. In regards to international touring, environmental humanities major Mike Varley, who plays guitar in the band Detriment, plans to take a plane across the Atlantic to play music in Europe. “It’s pretty unreal at the moment,” Varley said about the band’s next booked show being in Zurich, Switzerland. He mentioned that it’s a good feeling to be going someplace he’s never been to before, as well as “not having to rely on headlining shows” in those areas. Detriment will

be playing several shows in Europe with American bands Suburban Scum and Rude Awakening, as well as with Earth Crisis at the “Superbowl of Hardcore” in France. When asked if he regretted managing both the band and school, Varley said that he greatly enjoyed everything that the band had presented him with, but he “had to make school a priority.” “I’m spending t h o u s a n d s of dollars on this,” he added. One common theme that each student repeated was that traveling

“

in a band was a way to get a sense of adventure while choosing to stay close to home for school. “It’s a way to express myself and enjoy a hobby,” said Adam Corraro, a chemistry major who plays guitar in local hardcore band Separated. He said that after all the work that comes with booking a tour and having to deal with any mishaps that may occur, it deals with the slight sense of regret that he’s held for not leaving home for school like many people he knew from high school did. “A lot of people don’t totally understand the workload

you really have to want to do it

”

that college kids have,” he said. Corraro spoke about the sense of excitement that comes with being a local band that has fans, as Separated will be opening for a King Nine hometown show featuring the hyped first Long Island appearance of God’s Hate. Taibi shared this sentiment as Cryptodira has recently experienced various degrees of success, especially within the local scene. “It’s confusing when people I don’t know come up to me at shows to talk about how much they like the band,” he said. Not one student said they had any regrets about both being in a band and going to school. “You can’t be sure of something until you take a leap,” Ka-e said. Each student also assured that going to a 4-year university gave them a sense of professionalism that greatly assisted with not only booking tours but also helping with the various aspects of getting a band to operate successfully. “It takes me places, physically,” said Varley. “It’s still never too late to start a band and get out there and start playing.”

The Valley of Minuscule Woes

Julianne Mosher & Randall Waszynski

ave you ever had one H of those conundrums that you try to talk to people

about, but nobody seems to really care? Like when you’re hungover on a Friday morning after that much-lessfun-than-you-thought frat party and the bus from Kelly Quad is too crowded so you feel even more nauseous? Or when you’re fiending for a cigarette, but class just started? Maybe the girl you’re into decided to cut you off completely and you’re pissed that you bought her a teddy bear on Valentine’s Day so you vent on your Facebook status to anyone who will listen? Well you’re in luck! the Stony Brook Press’ research team has found a way to avert the Valley of Minuscule Woes! And it has become a widely used tactic! To perform this seemingly unimaginable feat, simply follow the directions as stated below. Unfortunately there is no such magical trinket that can compromise the infamous trench. And walking around it serves as an additional hassle. So you stand and gaze at this valley two steps in front of you that stretches

as far as the eye can see. And you’re like, “I’m hungry, but the line’s too long. Complain. Complain.” When you’re in a highly unfavored situation like this one, we suggest that you first resort to your community hardware store. Here you can gather the initial and most remedial tools you’ll need to overcome that damn slight inconvenience. Essential materials include a saw, hammer and some nails. If you tell an employee that you’re on an important quest, you should be excused from paying for your items. So don’t worry about that. Now after you’ve acquired these tools, you can venture your way to a forest of your choosing with a pickup truck. You will hopefully find some trees and, once you have, make use of the saw you just bought (or commandeered). Cut down several of the trees and then congregate your lumber in your pickup’s flatbed. Your next destination is the sawmill, where your lumber will be transformed into two-by-fours. You shouldn’t have to pay for anything because, again, you’re on an important quest. So don’t worry. They’ll completely understand. We promise. Now you can make your way back to the valley with your newly procured

wood. The goal now is to form large triangles, or trusses, using the wood, nails and your hammer. With these large wooden triangles, connect them by one corner so you have several triangles standing in a row, which should span the distance of your inconvenience. Atop the row install a large two-by-four, providing additional strength to the overall structure. Then create an identical structure that runs parallel to the first. Install several wooden beams that connect the two structures from the bottom of the triangles, which serve as base chords. Similarly install wooden beams that connect the two from the top of the triangles. Once the structure is properly constructed, given the foundation has been properly secured, lie flat wooden boards across the structure so that it feels stable enough to walk on. There is now a bridge across the Valley of Minuscule Woes, leading from one side to the other. To spread our idea further, we mandate that each bridge constructed under the Stony Brook Press’ influence features a banner that says “Get The Fuck Over It.”

CULTURE

NG: MMPR NOSTALGIA GOGGLES PRESENTS: CARLOS CADORNIGA & IAN SCHAFER

s a longtime Power Rangers fan (keeping up with their colorcoded adventures to this day), I still get a kick out of catching a few of the older moments whenever I find myself bored on the internet. From classic morphing scenes to old theme songs, there’s never a dull moment in indulging my inner child with any point out of this diverse and vibrant 20-year history. Out of all those older moments, however, one thing that I really enjoy from classic 90s Power Rangers is the delightfully entertaining yet often cringe-worthy feature length romp that is Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie. Even as a kid, I remember being blown away by so many things about this movie. For starters, the six-man team seemed so intense when compared to their television counterparts. Well, the characters were

the same, but their movie-exclusive suits were really something to behold. Shifting from spandex to bulkier plated armor and slick detailed helmets, this fresh look at the Rangers in their new outfits was really exciting. Even the villain of the movie was an incredible treat (though as a child, I saw him more as the most powerful villain I never wanted the Rangers to deal with). Ivan Ooze, the ancient and literally slimy antagonist released from his centurieslong imprisonment, is ridiculous and entertaining from the get-go. From his hilarious entrance in declaring “THE OOZE IS BACK” to destroying the Command Center and leaving the Rangers’ mentor Zordon to the brink of death in the name of such vile acts like the Spanish Inquisition and the Brady Bunch Reunion (his words), this villain is as powerful and terrifying as he is enjoyable.

A good villain can make or break a superhero movie. Ivan Ooze is a bombass villain. He cackles minacally while raining havok upon the citiznes of the Power Rangers’ hometown of Angel Grove. He’s the Joker if the Joker was a slimy purple alien that runs on gross-out humor and dank one-liners. I can’t even. As far as Power Rangers monsters go, Ivan Ooze simply oozes perfection. And on that note, I now reflect on some of the more laughably sillier moments I’ve found in a recent viewing. Fun MMPR Movie drinking game: Take a shot every time someone does a backflip. Go on, I dare you. Chances are you won’t make it to the morphing scene, as it’s impossible not to notice some of the characters needlessly backflipping from point A to point B just to be showoffs or something. Fight scenes don’t fare much better, with every KO being complemented with a pun and that pun being accentuated with a flashy pose. It’s not much to gripe about, but it certainly gets more noticeable as one viewing goes on. And the giant robot Megazord fight that finishes off just about every Power Rangers adventure is hampered down painfully awkward CGI and a rather anti-climactic knee-to-the-nuts to finish off Mr. Ooze. I mean, it’s a silly 90s action flick geared towards children of that era; what else would you expect? Yet, it’s easy for me to remember what I enjoyed about the movie over what I didn’t. Regardless of how much I’ve grown, the Power Rangers Movie will always be a morphenomenal ride for me.

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“Go Set A Watchmen” — Chapter 1 Jessica Opatich

In order to prove she is of sound mind, Harper Lee took a red pen to her original copy of Go Set A Watchman. The Stony Brook Press acquired an exclusive copy of her revised first chapter, which Lee says was inspired by a recent book she read, but she couldn’t recall the title. All she said was— “Steamy” —while biting her lower lip and winking.

☼

hen I was young girl, I had a bit of a temper. I beat up stupid Walter Cunningham, that asshole Dill, even took on a lynch mob after one of ’em grabbed my brother, Jem. I had a short fuse, and it got me in trouble in Maycomb, Alabama—the worst town in the world. Now, twenty years later, it gets me into another sort of trouble. To be honest, I’ve always had an interest in mysterious men, in men who kept themselves closed off from the rest of the world. Men who didn’t say much. Men who left gifts in trees for children to find. You know the type. So, it was no surprise that when I left boring old Maycomb for Seattle, I was drawn to one man in particular. He reminded me of a boring version of Atticus. It was the way he spoke and carried himself with authority. His clean, polished suite—I wanted to dirty it right up. I was working as a reporter at a local paper when circumstances led me into his office. “Come in, Miss Finch. I don’t have much time so I hope you’re prepared.” The confidence I originally had melted away as my eyes met Mr. Grey’s steely gaze. “Yes. I’m ready,” I said, my voice quivering for a reason I’d come to understand later. He stood up and walked around me as I sat across from his desk, on which sat a curious coffee mug reading, ‘World’s Best BDSM Boss.’ I kept trying to figure it out. Blueberry Danish Sandwich Maker? Baked Donut Sugar Man? Ugh I should’ve eaten something before I came here. Now my stomach is going to make awkward, loud, grumbly sounds–dammit this is going to suck. “Ok. So start,” he said finding his seat again. It was like a loud whisper, like he was trying to yell at someone in the library without actually being disruptive to others. It was sensual. I wanted him to breathe those words onto my skin. Suddenly, I had goosebumps and I ran my hands up and down my arms to settle my nerves. “I said start, Miss Finch!” What the—No one would speak to me like that. I jumped up from the seat and headed toward the door, secretly hoping with each step that he’d come after me. And he did. He came right after me, and it wouldn’t be the first time. “Leaving so abruptly? I haven’t dismissed you.” He looked like the mad dog Atticus shot. Then he took my hand and led me down a long hall and into a dark room that smelled faintly of leather. “I have secrets, Miss Finch.” “Call me Scout,” I said. “No. I’d rather call you Miss Finch.” “How about Jean Louise?” “No, I think Miss Finch is best,” he said flipping on the lights. The room was like nothing I’d ever seen. It had a glowing, red, neon sign hanging on the back wall flashing the words “Red Room of Pain—trademark pending.” There were other oddities scattered around the room—whips and chains, leashes and ropes, and a poster of Audrey Hepburn and Atticus riding a scooter from the movie Roman Holiday. I didn’t ask questions. “So, what do you think?” he asked, standing behind me and running his finger down my back. I thought about my childhood in Maycomb and about Mrs. Dubose, who confided in me and Jem that all she really wanted was The D. How Atticus explained what real courage was— It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway— I was about to be licked but I’d begin. “I think, it’s just what I need.” If only the prude racists of Maycomb could see me now. 10

not punk kid

learns about punk

JORDAN BOWMAN & CHARLIE SPITZNER

he genres that we discover at a young age have always been an interesting concept to me. Depending on what your parents are playing in the house, do you go against that influence in an attempt to be unique or do those influences always stick with you? The first album I ever listened to completely was College Dropout by Kanye West. I remember being obsessed with that album. I played every song at least 50 times and wondered how he got the beats to sound so soulful. I spent so much time looking into hip-hop production and its origins all because of College Dropout. Hip-hop, as a genre, often borrows from other styles of music.Samples can range from Jazz to Funk to Rock. Hip-

hop made my musical taste more eclectic, and I became more enthusiastic about finding new music. I enlisted the help of my friend Charlie, a writer and musician, so he could come up with a list of punk songs to introduce me to the genre. So here are the basics of “hardcore punk.” Charlie opted for hardcore punk instead of regular ol’ punk rock because the bands are way more obscure and EVERYONE knows The Ramones/Sex Pistols/Clash/Damned in this day and age, plus the DIY spirit of hardcore punk has a special place in his heart and these are the bands that he knows best.

The Stooges (Raw Power/TV Eye)

Hardcore’s original snarl; Although very based in blues and rock music of the past, (a concept that hardcore punk wanted to tear down because of bands like Yes and Asia that promoted self-indulgent and boring music) the dangerous attitude and hard style of The Stooges rock helped provide an example of the kind of aggressive energy that music was capable of.

The last few minutes of “Raw Power” has this jarring electric guitar that sounded like someone was ripping apart metal with their bare hands, needless to say I love that intensity. “T.V. Eye” starts with a primal scream that reminds me of something from Yeezus and more recently Kendrick Lamar, who started his track “u” with the same malevolent energy. I tend to enjoy some aggressive music.

Minor Threat (Straight Edge/Filler/Out of Step)

Fast, hard, and very influential band out of DC. Very proud of their hometown origins, cultivating a very strong scene-at-home with their label Dischord Records harboring local talents. All about the DIY (Do-It-Yourself) spirit of releasing your own records through their own funding, booking their own shows, distributing their music, and keeping in contact with bands and other scenes from across the nation to cultivate a sense of unity within the hardcore punk movement. Also coined the term “straight edge,” which later became a huge movement.

I respect the whole movement and DIY attitude that Minor Threat was going for, I feel like Hip Hop is going in a similar direction a lot of artists are creating a fan base from the internet first and then expanding without the help of a major label. Listening to Punk is a bizarre transition; Hip Hop is so steeped in the appreciation of lyrics and rhyming patterns meanwhile punk rock almost seems to be disinterested in the idea of coherent lyrics. The whole movement seems to be more steeped in the idea of exuding a defiant attitude. 11

Dead Kennedys (Holiday in Cambodia/Riot)

Technically a hardcore punk band, Dead Kennedys came just before their contemporaries and served as elder statesmen to a burgeoning scene. Their frontman, Jello Biafra, became the archetype of personable punk rock frontmen, name-dropping his favorite young hardcore bands in interviews, promoting them via his Alternative Tentacle label, and putting them on shows in their San Francisco scene. Their fast music, faster than the Germs, and outside influences from genres like surf rock were supposed to set an example of promoting creativity amongst punk bands.

“So you been to school/ For a year or two/ And you know you’ve seen it all.” The opening lyrics to “Holiday in Cambodia” struck a chord; it has the type of tongue and cheek commentary that I would appreciate from a good Hip Hop song. The record has so much social commentary and historical context that I spent half my time reading about Pol Pot. The eerie guitar and relaxed drum pattern in the beginning of “Riot” wasn’t what I was expecting from a song with a title like riot, but around the two minute mark, the track explodes with a uncontrollable ferocity. In some ways its the perfect metaphor for an actual riot, something that can start off peaceful can easily turn into a destructive show of protest.

Sonic Youth (Confusion is Next/Cross the Breeze)

One of the most interesting things about hardcore is taking a look at who the aesthetic of DIY and the harsh stylings of the music encouraged. One such man was Thurston Moore, founding member of Sonic Youth, who started out making arty, but still very harsh, atonal noise music that relied on his hardcore freedom to be really fucking loud. Later calmed down and made less chaotic music. Their Daydream Nation album is recorded in the National Recording Registry next to Nirvana’s Nevermind, “Stars and Stripes Forever,” Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land,” and MLK’s I Have A Dream speech.

Confusion is Next, is perfect, it’s repetitive and it sounds obnoxious at times but I loved that opening guitar sound. It was calming while simultaneously being completely unnerving. I’m used to R&B and Hip Hop but I can appreciate that sense of hectic but well composed sound. Cross the Breeze started with a smooth melody and then transitioned into a more traditional vigorous punk song. Sonic Youth’s songs don’t feel so claustrophobic and in your face as compared to some of the other punk I had previously heard on the list.

Germs (Lexicon Devil/What We Do is Secret)

Based in LA, later a hardcore epicenter, Germs took the punk that existed in bands like The Damned and The Ramones and gave it some extra speed and power. The pseudo-poetry of lead singer Darby Crash atop those surging beats were both an inspiration to some as a form of possible creativity in a seemingly primitive music scene and the ramblings of an idiot junkie to others who saw him as a man speaking dribble and making punk needlessly indulgent.

The guitar riff on Lexicon Devil was so well executed I had to put it on repeat. I initially searched for the lyrics to both songs but I realized it doesn’t matter. The music is fast, in your face, and the lyrics are incomprehensible at times, but I really appreciate that lack of formality.

J 12

ASK A SEMI-PROFESSIONAL PERVERT: SEXY STRESS RELIEF DAKOTA JORDAN

pring has sprung and that means love, or lust, is in the air. As the weather gets warmer and folks start to feel the love, they may find themselves needing help communicating effectively about sexy time. So I decided to lend a helping hand by providing you with some light educational reading. An A-Z glossary of sexy vocabulary words! A is for Anilingus: That means licking/ kissing a person’s asshole. Also called rimming or salad tossing. B is for Bondage: That means restraining someone with ropes/chains/saran wrap/ paracord or what have you. Can be functional or decorative. C is for CBT: That means Cock and Ball Torture. It is exactly what it sounds like. D is for Dragontail: That is a special kind of whip with a triangle shape, normally made of suede or leather. Very painful. E is for EMT Shears: That means scissors with a flat blade so you can safely cut rope/clothes away from a person without damaging their skin. F is for Fisting: That means using a lot of lube (and hopefully gloves), a hand is inserted into the vagina or anus. G is for Golden Shower: That means peeing on someone. H is for Hard Limit: That means a non negotiable limit. Respect it. I is for Impact Play: That means hitting a person with something like a hand/whip/ paddle/whatever. Be careful! J is for Jerking Off: That means masturbation, plain and simple. K is for Knife Play: That can mean using a

dull or fake knife during a scene, cutting a partner as a part of sexual play or for decorative effect. L is for Lifestyler: That means a person who practices BDSM out of the bedroom, as part of normal life. M is for Mummification: That means being wrapped up tightly from head to toe, in something like rubber/latex/saran wrap. O is for Over the Knee: That means being spanked while bent over a person’s knee. P is for Puppy Play: That means acting like a dog, sometimes with doggy accessories like leashes, tails and dog collars. Q is for Queening: That means a lady sitting on someone’s face, usually for cunnilingus. R is for Rigger: That means someone who specializes in tying people up. S is for Shibari: That means highly decorative Japanese rope bondage. T is for Tens Unit: That means a toy used for electro-stimulation play. U is for Uniform Play: That means any scene that focuses on the use of uniforms for costuming. V is for Voyeur: That means a person who gets off by watching other people do sexy things. W is for Water Sports: That means play involving urine. X is for X Frame: That means a piece of bondage equipment shaped like an X which a person can be strapped or tied to. Y is for Yiffing: That means sex between people in fursuits. Z is for Zentai Suit: That means a suit made of stretchy material that covers the whole body, even the face, and fits close to the skin.

Got more questions or comments? Email me @ semiproperv@gmail.com

DRUGZZZ MDMA,

forever popularized by raves, the mainstream fear-mongering media and a host of sly celebrity references, may be one of the most well-known drugs on campus. Known as ecstacy, E, XTC or Molly, MDMA has seen a serious shift in society’s attitudes towards it over the past 40 years from the easily accessible legal drug of the late 70s, to “worse than heroin” penalties in the following decades. Assuming USG is about to host another EDM event which happens every year, or you at least plan to hit up some summer festivals, here are some tips to staying proactive in your MDMA use. For those who aren’t aware of its effects, one of the defining physiological effects of MDMA is the release of serotonin. Often described as a love drug, MDMA’s signature is that along with a strong euphoria, the drug gives users a heightened sense of empathy (love), trust, desire to communicate, inner peace and appreciation for all things, which is as close to the “magic” of MDMA use as words can describe. Uncommon, but still possible, people can experience anxiety especially if it’s your first time, a “hangover” the following few days after known as Suicide Tuesdays due to depleted serotonin levels, and regret over unintentional bonding, which is surprising until it happens. One of the biggest words of caution of MDMA use is the purity of the substance. Often times, ecstasy tablets are sold diluted or cut with similar looking substances, namely caffeine, sugar or baking soda if you’re lucky. Other times, they may be cut with actual potent chemicals that attempt to emulate MDMA, which can sometimes include BZP, MDPV and methylone. To reduce the risk of adulterants, one should be aware that the crystalline structure of MDMA, molly, is typically more pure and colored a light golden brown. When trying to find a product, one cannot underestimate the necessity of a test kit. Known for their appearance and free drug testing at venues that permit them, the organization DanceSafe both provides the EDM community with a safe means of anonymously checking drug purity at events while also ensuring the safety of everyone by selling testing kits online. A standard test, the marquis test, can identify whether or not the contents of your pills are MDMA, or a host of other cocktails including research chemicals (2C-I, 2C-B), psychedelics (DXM, mescaline), or amphetamine-esque chemicals (amphetamine, methamphetamine, Ritalin). For something as cheap as $25, practically a fraction of the actual drug cost, this kit is mandatory for any half-competent user. Now for those of you who know you have a good product, there’s few things to keep in mind when you decide to roll. First off, MDMA significantly affects the way your body manages its water reservoir. MDMA is known to raise the body temperature of individuals and combining this with hours of dancing and large crowds can easily lead

to dehydration, which can be fatal, so it’s important to stay hydrated. Oddly enough, because MDMA also inhibits the body from releasing this water, make sure you don’t drink so many water bottles that you overdose on water, which is also possible and fatal. For most instances though, only very rarely do people actually come into problems when taking MDMA alone without other drugs. Weed of course, can be combined with anything. What many people aren’t aware of, however, is that MDMA was and still is considered an almost breakthrough drug for psychotherapy. Beginning in the 1970s, therapists observed that the anxiety reducing drug was capable of removing barriers that had otherwise prevented patients from confronting past traumas. The drug was considered powerful in that it gave the user trust and compassion that allowed the therapy to rapidly progress. MDMA was seen as a schedule I drug, considered to have no medical value; was used to combat the issues of Veteran Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, childhood abuse, and other serious ailments before its ban. Today, research and commonsense thinking is slowly beginning to ease restrictions on MDMA therapy testing, which is currently led by MAPS, the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies. The organization hopes to have legitimate prescriptions of MDMA, FDA approved by the start of the next decade.

Roll responsibly, Lipman & Ms. Token

Boneless Appétite Student Union Commons Fried Chicken Tenders Review taylor knoedl

here are two things the Union Food Court Commons are known for: fried chicken and french fries. Each day they wait- as warm as their constantly-active heaters keep them before being whisked off as the most defaulist of lunches available in the Union. The chicken was a granted thing for goers of the Union Commons. It was but a quick snag that preserved meal enjoyers from the purgatorius burrito and potato bowl lines. The fried chicken of our past was soulless. A soulless soul food made simply without love. Snacking on these phlegmatic little tenders of heartbreak, you’d likely dream of better days, better meals, better chicken. But now is a different time, a different chicken. As was always, the Commons chicken isn’t a sort of grease-wetland. In its old form, it resembled the faint tan of the Atacama desert. But in its new herb and spicy glory, the chicken has become a crisp likeness to the red rock deserts of Arizona. It’s hot, floury surfaces mists up such a sharp but sensual scent that, with your eyes closed, you’d be certain you were at a Chick-fil-A. There is a special kind of love a mother has for her child; it’s hers and she can’t change it (for the most part). She has this baby unplanned, keeps it, and loves it. The Union Commons chicken is the same. It is yours. It is there. It is all we have, really—and I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I’m so proud of you. The white meat is like biting into the flesh of a newborn babe; so smooth, so soft—succulent and juicy. There is none of that fatty, slimy chicken-byproduct guck nonsense. Just pure white meat—the white of angel’s wings; but chicken. The Union chicken is a life changing experience. I recently left my girlfriend because of this chicken. She didn’t have the crispy texture - the fried crispy texture - of this perfect chicken—the fried, succulent and spicy, crispy texture of this crispy, fried and perfect chicken. I don’t love her anymore. All I love is you, my dear chicken. And you can love it too. This love is to share. Leave your beloveds behind, cancel your finals, quit your job and your

classes; punch your professor in the face. Go to the Union Commons Food Court. Buy the new fried chicken. They make it good now. It is good. Name one thing better than the fried chicken. Name it. You can’t.

aliens seek to communicate but only if we provide good pop punk

James Grottola

YY AY

for us. We let him, and for some reason, he’s singing about spider webs. We just could not understand his accent. We’ve spent hundreds of years collecting a lexicon of human dialects ,yet nobody can understand him. We couldn’t bear it a second more and asked him to play something else, and he starts singing about wanting to mate with a dog. This man is one of humanity’s biggest modern rock stars, making what he thinks is first contact with another species, and he starts singing about inter-species intercourse. Safe to say, we were neither pleased nor aroused. SBP: DeLonge has hinted that the Angels and Airwaves project was about his experiences with other life forms. What do you think of the records? A: I guess everything was okay up until the second Love album, but I don’t know a single person who hasn’t said that the film was pseudo-artistic bullshit and that the new record was boring, at best. For real, Tom, just bring back Boxcar Racer. Have you seen Travis’ clothing brand? He’ll do anything. SBP: Do you have any opinions on Matt Skiba replacing DeLonge in Blink’s new line-up? A: You know, the boys and I always wanted to get Skiba up here, but they always tell you, “don’t meet your heroes.” Trust us, about half the people at the Alkaline Trio discography shows in Chicago were some of our own reptilian shapeshifters disguised as normal people. SBP: So describe the second time you ended up with DeLonge? A: Well, we wanted to see if we could get Mark Hoppus up here to pay him off in gold to get just one +44 reunion. Unfortunately, we got the wrong guy. He was really happy to see us again, but the feeling was not mutual. We wanted to get rid of him as quickly as possible, so we set him up with a quick probe, sent him back down, and burned down the Angels and Airwaves studio for the best results.

ust last month, Tom DeLonge went on the record with Paper Magazine to elaborate on his thoughts of human contact with aliens. Again. Unknown to the public, Tom DeLonge has actually been abducted by aliens. Twice! The Stony Brook Press was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the alien who kidnapped DeLonge, and the transcript has been posted below. Stony Brook Press: Hello. Thank you for taking time out of your day to make the first public record of intergalactic communication between species. But anyway, tell me about Tom.

SBP: What do you think of the new song he released that was meant to be a Blink demo? A: Oh, he didn’t even write that. We were sick of that space stuff, so we just got one of our guys to replace his file with one of ours to try to get Blink to sound like they did in 2003. SBP: Well that’s about it for us, can you just quickly tell us how we’re able to communicate, despite you living lightyears away? A: It’s just English, numb-nuts. If you know what’s good for humanity, keep Skiba in Blink and execute Tom DeLonge.

“Alien”: Well, he was arguably one of the worst human beings we’ve ever encountered in our experience with your planet. We’ve been probing humans since the 1400’s: Da Vinci, Galileo, Nixon, Bob Ross; you name ‘em, we got ‘em. But honestly, I really hate DeLonge. No one has somebody pissed me off more in my life. SBP: How would you describe DeLonge’s character? A: Well, to be frank: straight asshole. The first time we got him, we were aiming to get Pete Wentz. Fall Out Boy was a lot truer to their emo roots than Blink 182 anyway. So it’s 2005, we end up with this dickhead, trying to talk to him about humanity’s culture, and all he wants to do is perform 16

No Plans to Complete A Song of Ice and Fire—George R.R. Martin Carlos Cardoniga

ans of A Song of Ice and Fire rejoice! The author of the popular books that spawned the HBO sensation Game of Thrones announced during a press conference that took place on Sunday that he is currently writing a new, 10-book series that he is sure his loyal following will enjoy. The conference was attended by fans and press alike and hosted by Martin and GoT show creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. “It’s taken up my whole life,” Martin stated at the conference. “But it looks pretty cool so far.” Martin then spoke about the books’ plot: titled The Fortrand Albums; the books follow members of the esteemed Fortrands, a family of “magical gangsters” who maintain a druid-drug empire running across California and are seeking to expand throughout America. Martin expressed excitement about exploring fantasy elements within a contemporary setting for the first time in his career. The first book, coming out in June, is called Fyre Insurance, and will follow the youngest Fortrand, Timothy, and his initiation into the family business as he turns 13. As the heir to the empire, he’ll be asked to take on the financial duties of the all-mystic, but would much rather refine his pyromancy skills and act as

the family muscle. Martin is confident that people would enjoy delving into Timothy’s antics and hoped that they “would grow along with Timothy”. The attendees murmured with anticipation over Martin’s change of direction. One press member asked Martin what would become of the remaining Song of Ice and Fire books. After a lengthy pause, Martin replied “Oh, yeah. Those’ll still happen, but I really want people to get excited about the Fortrands because it’s gonna’ be awesome.” After Martin spoke, Benioff and Weiss took to the stage. They knew some Martin loyalists would be concerned over the ongoing Game of Thrones show entering its fifth season and how The Fortrand Albums would affect its continuation. They quelled these fears with their own big announcement. “After season five,” Benioff began, “We’ll be reshooting seasons 1-5 in 3D. This’ll give [Martin] some time to work on his books, but we’re especially excited to revisit old episodes and have a second shot to realize the depth of those scenes.” Weiss continued by saying “We’re going to take full advantage of the 3D technology. Moments like the Red Wedding and the Battle at Blackwater will look really cool.”

THE PRESS GUIDE TO

[Movie_Hopping] Jay Shah

ant to see Iron Man 4: Revenge of the Washing Machine? What about Boyhood 2: Twelve Years a Slave Owner? What about the other brilliant and unique sequels that Hollywood churned out this month? Well if you want to watch them all, be prepared to shell out upwards of 80 dollars for the movie tickets alone. More if you’re one of those people who buys popcorn and soda inside the theatre.

death: Convert to Hinduism or Buddhism. Die in the theatre, and then get reincarnated into a baby that’s being born in a different room in the theatre. Pew recently released a made up statistic that says at any given point a baby is being born in a movie theatre, so this plan is a lot quicker than becoming an architect or growing a beard.

Your wallet will be crying unless you decide to movie hop. Movie hopping is when you buy a ticket to a movie but then sneak into other movies to get the most bang for your buck. Don’t feel bad; movie companies aren’t real people, so it’s totally okay to steal from them. But movie hopping can be pretty hard, with all the new techno doohickies and cameras and whatnots, so we’ve created some foolproof ways to see all the movies you want to see for literally the cheapest price possible.

beards: Grow a large beard, it’ll take a year or two at least. After watching the latest Expendables movie, where Stallone and the gang battle their greatest enemy, Alzheimers, you’ll need to shave off a portion of your beard. The theatre staff will be confused and won’t recognize you as you sneak into your next flick. Just shave more until you get bored of watching movies, or you run out of hair. Then you’re shit out of luck.

POPTHULU: As everyone knows, the movie theatre workers worship the great and all knowing popcorn monster, Popthulu. You can use this to your advantage. Sneak in some popcorn and butter (don’t be one of those people who buys things), and after the new Adam Sandler Craptacular ends, cover yourself in the butter (it might give some third degree burns, but we’re not legally responsible for that) and just throw popcorn everywhere. The movie attendants will immediately bow and listen to your every demand since you’ve taken on the shape of the glorious god king Popthulu. Don’t abuse this power, just use it to watch more movies. There is a downside to the last plan though because once you transform into Popthulu, you’re never going to be able to change back. So if you’re one of those people with a wife and kids, be sure to say goodbye before you go off on your grand adventure.

architect: Become an architect, it might take a decade or more. Once you’re an architect, start designing movie theatres for a living, but make sure you leave some secret passages only you can access. After the construction is done, it might take a few months, you can buy a ticket and use the secret passages you were sure to make as a way to move between the various movies. I know what you’re thinking, “Is this obscenely long plan really worth it to save a few bucks?” Well my answer is “sure, why not.”

Now you’re all set to steal all the things you want, or at least until the brilliant folk over at Hollywood run out of ideas (which’ll never happen). These plans may sound a little difficult, you may be tempted to just pirate the movies. Don’t, it’s just morally reprehensible. You’d be stealing eights of dollars from multi-millionaires. How could you live with yourself knowing that by pirating a Tom Cruise movie, you’re also stealing from the Church of Scientology, which is a real religion not a crazy cult used to steal money from dumb people. You’d be condemning yourself to hell or, as it’s known in Scientology, Mr. Cruise’s Wild Sex Dungeon. So stick to movie hopping, and use our guide to do it in the most efficient ways possible. 18

OPINION

is scurry T

he first picture on my Tinder profile was a snap of Bill Clinton. The Press has a life-sized cardboard cutout of him chilling in our office, so he became the profile picture of the Stony Brook Press’ official tinder page, to make it apparent that I was there to promote our website. I had the good fortune of being elected to the newly created position of social media manager, but not before I shamelessly, but jokingly, said in my blurb of a speech that “I would even download Tinder” since I was already addicted to several other social media apps. Then one day, as I was procrastinating in our former home in the Union basement, our Associate Editor burst in and said, “I have a great idea that’ll work specifically for you--download Tinder, friend everyone (meaning swipe right), and just plug the website.” Eager to prove myself worthy, I was down to try it out. I downloaded Tinder, which stipulates that I have to sign in through Facebook because, apparently, having a Facebook account equates to being a real person. After a good 10 minutes of just swiping right on everyone, I already had about 50 matches. Into the microcosm of grimy, corny pickup lines I go. “If you were a tropical fruit you’d be a Fine-apple! [sly-face emoji, praying hands emoji]” On a scale of one to cesspool in a third-world country sewage system, this was quite moderate. Another offered food: “wanna get Chipotle and fuck?” Others commented on my Asian descent as though it were a commodity. Though not generic,

all of my replies almost instantly included our website: sbpress.com. The reactions to realizing that I was just on Tinder to promote the Press ranged from angry to complete disregard. By the next morning I had a little over 300 matches, of which about half responded. A good handful of them were downright disappointed and salty that I wasn’t on Tinder to flirt or hook-up, but to audaciously try a new promotional tactic. Others were downright enraged. How dare I use a shady dating app that connects strangers based purely on appearance for a different purpose other than its original intent? I guess the agenda of executing my new position as social media manager is offensive enough to get some people’s boxers in a bunch. The bulk of the reactions sort of surprised me. They glazed over, or rather, barrelled through the fact that my goal was to plug sbpress. com and proceeded to comment on my appearance, saying I was “still cute anyway.” Though I did expect to be creeped out and slightly disgusted by how some guys would approach me, I didn’t expect my short stint trolling on Tinder to make me question… feminism? Nah chill, not that. What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t fully realize that the only reason these guys were clicking on the website at my request or, continuing to talk to me after I revealed my true purpose was because they deemed me attractive. It seems like a mundane or blatant fact to point out but have you ever stopped to think about just how sad that is?

based god

for a based guy JAMES GROTTOLA

n January 19th, after the last Bomb the Music Industry! show ever (RIP), I received some insider information that Lil B “The BasedGod” himself would make a #rare appearance on Long Island. Naturally, as somebody who supports Lil B in all he does, I was floored. I spent months in preparation, furiously DM’ing Lil B about various aspects of my life, hoping the only person who’s ever made me happy in my life would do as much as to acknowledge my presence. The following is a diary I kept about “The BasedGod’s” impact on my life. This is the first time it has ever seen the light of day: February 18th, 2014: The show is announced. The temperature reaches above 40 degrees for the first time in months. A bird hatches from its egg. A mother gives birth to a healthy baby girl. March 13th, 2014: Riots spew out from Long Island on social media sites. Residents are experiencing increased impatience and are praying daily in anticipation for the #based appearance. April 17th, 2014: One week before Lil B’s appearance. Various miracles are reported across Long Island. April 22nd, 2014: The show sells out. My friend buys an ice cream cake from the Dunkin Donuts near the train station at 11:30 p.m. and eats it by himself. April 24th, 2014: At 1 p.m., I DM Lil B in hopes that he can give a #based blessing to my friend Jake, who masterminded the appearance. He responds back, “Lov u fam.” I weep out of a mix of ecstasy and joy. Every single person who has vanished from my life comes back, begging for my attention after hearing that I was addressed directly by “The BasedGod” himself. I decline their presence. April 24th, 2014: At 6 p.m., before Lil B’s appearance, my old straight edge band Wringneck (also RIP) plays a show. I yell “punch your bartender” before a song and a child is thrown through a window. It’s the best music appearance I’ve ever had in my life and as I leave the stage, I can feel the melody of “Wonton Soup” echoing through my veins. April 24th, 2014: At 9 p.m. Lil B takes the stage. He performs for several hours, adding not one, not two, but THREE #based freestyles. Afterwards, he allows me

to take a picture with his holiness and signs my friend Joey’s insulin pump. The performance is filmed for the “Katy Perry” music video, which makes another one of my friends a cooking celebrity for his wrist movements. When I get home, my dad says he’s proud of me for the first time in my life . May 1st, 2014: My professors cancel all finals for the end of the semester. Lil B’s smile resonates in my thoughts every single day. May 7th, 2014: I’m given a raise at work and can afford to buy a house. My manager says I should be CEO, as the most influential human being on the planet has touched me with his golden hands. July 4th, 2014: I set off a firework for Independence Day at my new home. It explodes in a way that forms “The BasedGod’s” face. A mother and father across the street from me end their years of bickering, and their teenage son finds happiness for the first time in months. The family has Lil B to thank for renewing their love for one another. August 1st, 2014: I find a dollar! September 21st, 2014: All is right in the world. I’ve achieved wealth, fame, and love due to Lil B’s DM. All who oppose me are crushed by their own arrogance, and I’m told I’m the most valuable person to my loved ones at least 30 times a day. October 1st, 2014: I feel a sense of being “average” for the first time in my life since Lil B’s words touched my soul. November 4th, 2014: I lose my job, house, and wife. I listen to “I Own Swag” on repeat, wondering why the luck of Lil B has left my eyes. December 24th, 2014: My life has returned to mediocrity. February 13th, 2015: Everything’s coming up Milhouse! February 14th, 2015: I am just kidding. The light has left me. March 4th, 2015: In one last act of desperation, I DM Lil B one more time. The message reads: “Lil B I need your guidance I’ve reached a dark point in my life.” His response is the only thing that can save me from a life of being just average…

SPORTS

PACMAN: The Match of the Century Jael Henry

or almost seven years, boxing fans have yearned for the opportunity to see two of the greatest fighters of this generation, Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, touch gloves at the center of the ring. On May 2nd at MGM Grand in Las Vegas, the boxing gods will finally grant that wish, as boxing’s two megastars square up for what is predicted to be the most watched fight in history. The hype surrounding this fight has been building for years. While Mayweather, 37, was on a two-year retirement, Pacquiao, 36, was dominating the boxing world. After Mayweather made his comeback in September 2009 with an impressive unanimous decision win against Juan Manuel Marquez, the two megastars’ names have been linked ever since. There’s no question that both fighters are past their prime and a bout four or five years ago would have been more of a fair and entertaining fight to watch, but both fighters have a lot of fuel left. Mayweather is a 2-to-1 favorite going into the matchup, but the chance of an upset isn’t too farfetched.

Manny Pacquiao: At 5’6” with a 57-5-2 record, including 38 knockouts, Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao is a force in the ring. The Filipino star has shown signs of vulnerability in his last five fights but he’s also shown why he’s one of the greatest to ever step into the ring. It all started with a controversial split decision loss against Timothy Bradley in June 2012, then the world stood still when he was knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the sixth round later that year. His last loss before 2012 was in 2005 against Erik Morales, so the boxing community smelled blood. Even though he won his last three fights since that Marquez knockout, the scent hasn’t faded away. Still, Manny has showed in every one of those fights why he’s one of the best offensive fighters in the sport. His combination of speed and power, along with his 67” reach, is incomparable to any fighter in boxing right now, and although his last knockout was in 2009 against Miguel Cotto, he’s shown that he still has knockout power, knocking down Stony Brook alum, Chris Algieri, six times in their bout late last year.

Floyd “Money” Mayweather is the complete opposite of his opponent. Unlike Pacman, Mayweather’s pride is in his defense, and is arguably the greatest defensive fighter to ever live. With 47 wins and 0 losses, including 26 knockouts, he has a two inch advantage in height being 5’8” and a five inch reach advantage with 72”, which is going to make it even more difficult a task for Pacquiao to crack the “May-Vinci Code.” Mayweather is considered by many to be one of the smartest boxers in the world and it shows, making his opponents take the fight to him and using his great defensive skills, along with his ability to work well off his counter punches, as his most valuable form of offense. Money has coasted to victory in his last five fights, outclassing and out boxing his opponents along the way.

Decision: The May 2nd meeting between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao is not only a fight between the best defensive boxer in the world and the best offensive boxer, it’s also a fight between two of the greatest boxers of all time. Both fighters are not at the peaks of their careers, but Pacquiao has shown that he’s beatable, while Mayweather has developed a unique fighting style that makes up for the aspects of his game that aren’t as polished as before. So if you’re betting money on the fight, the smartest and safest thing to do is to put your money on “Money” Mayweather.

STONY BROOK PRESS STAFF PREDICTION:

PACQUIAO VS. MAYWEATHER Charlie Spitzner

t’s official: the Floyd Mayweather/Manny Pacquiao fight is on, and the floor is now open to speculation on who will step out of the squared circle as the better, tougher punching man. Though Mayweather and Pacquiao seem to be of about the same height, same build, same weight, etc. there are many minute details hidden away in the data of their respective stats that might present possible advantages for either fighter. Some early shared speculation from professional boxing analysts and average fans alike have presented similar and interesting cases regarding the outcome of the fight, with results that might shock certain people and catch the majority of fans off-guard. For example, although Pacquiao is an 8-time world champion and Mayweather is a 5-time world champion, both of those numbers seem utterly insignificant when one considers the fact that professional wrestling superstar and professional recording artist John Cena has captured the elusive world championship belt a record-setting and overwhelmingly impressive 15 times. Additional points have been raised in support of this development involving world-wide phenomenon and natural fighting force John Cena, including the fact that while “The Pac-Man” and “Money Mayweather” both fight for the money and glory that naturally comes from the glamorous spectacle that is pro boxing, John Cena merely fights for the good of children the world over and to folly the plots of evil that are raised in the interest of wrongdoing. The situation has led to important observations realized by a few notable names in the boxing industry, including

former boxing promoter Don King and former heavyweight champion George Foreman among others, that while Mayweather may have a record devoid of losses and superior agility and speed behind his punches, the infatigable and nearly-immortal John Cena’s patented Attitude Adjustment, his signature finishing move, is responsible for winning him over half of his world heavyweight championship wins. “See, I know that Pacquiao and Mayweather are both unmatched contenders,” King said when asked for comment, “but I’m just not seeing them as being in the same league as Cena. They just can’t beat the odds like he can.” King also attests to the fact that “Cena’s STF hold is an example of unmatched brutality.” “A-ha, I gotta say it’s a hard choice,” Foreman said while standing out on the veranda of his authentic 1800’s style Victorian household, “but you gotta consider the fact that that guy Cena is a lean, mean, fat fighting machine. And by that I mean he fights the fat, not that he is fat. That’s an important distinction that needs to be made from time to time.” Though not officially affiliated with the match in any way, word of these speculative details did make way to modernday viking and actual superhero John Cena and his camp a of affiliates, who ended up having a few choice words to say concerning the history and current state of professional boxing. “As far as I’m concerned, a fair and natural fight has never occurred in the history of world championship boxing.” John Cena said. “Regardless of what we’re told is being portrayed out there, there is no way that the audience is getting the authentic experience. It might as well all be staged.” 22

Pokemon

Binghamton vs.

W in-training, we’re here in

elcome trainers and trainers-

Stony Brook University’s beautiful LaValle Stadium for the first ever Trans-regional Pokemon League Championship. Now that everyone has returned from attempting to catch Wolfie, (and President Stanley would like to remind everyone that Wolfie is not in fact a pokemon) we can begin the final phase. The audience comprised mainly of students from Stony Brook University and Binghamton University is enjoying the residual effects of Sunny Day, used by the Arcanine in the previous round. A cool breeze blows across the LaValle Stadium field, which was still smoking from the final Fire Blast delivered in the last round. Following a fierce competition leading up to the finals, the crowd was fired up to 23

see the grand conclusion. Despite the fact that some of those who sat too close to the front row were treated for third-degree burns by a passing Nurse Joy clone, onlookers were glued to their seats. As the two competitors arrive on the field, the dramatic tension reaches a fever pitch. These rivals lock eyes and the ceremonial battle music plays over the newly renovated sound system. Eco-trainer, Prod Mengleson, of Binghamton, summons his Lapras to the field, and at the same time Stony Brook’s Django Marley conjures his Blastoise. Though there is no type advantage in this line up, the tension of the opposing sides are palpable. The competitors eye each other warily. Lapras attacks first with a vicious Ice Beam, but it is not very effective against Blastoise’s

impressive defense. Blastoise tests the waters (no pun intended) and hits Lapras with a phenomenal Hydro Pump. As Lapras readies itself for another attack, Blastoise is called back and replaced by Marley’s Magneton. Sparks are flying in this heated battle! The Stony Brook crowd is cheering wildly as the electric-type moves are Super-effective against the water-type counterpart... Aaaaand Lapras is down and out after being struck by Thunder. It’s a one-hit wonder! Magneton is excitedly doing flips in the air as Mengleson summons his next champion, Kabutops. Magneton attempts to use the same long-distance electric moves as before, only to realize too late they don’t affect the Rock/Water-type, however the same cannot be said of the foe Kabutops’ attack. The Ancient

Battle

Stony Brook Daine Taylor

Graphic by Diego Zelaya Power move was super-effective and sent Magneton scurrying back to its side. Kabutops is performing a victory dance with its scythe arms, and despite the awkwardness of the spectacle, the Binghamton crowd is letting loose a raucous cheer. Meanwhile, Django seems to be taking his time sending in his next Pokemon, but wait... what is this? Django sends his Hypno to tangle with the ‘Tops. Hypno, with the quicker attack speed, hits his opponent with Hypnosis (big surprise), and Kabutops is out like a light. With his Pokemon helpless and unresponsive, Mengleson is forced to pull back. Mengleson summons his Kadabra to the field, who aptly dodges an otherwise well timed Hypnosis, only to land a powerful Psychic counterattack.

The move was a critical hit that sent the home team’s Hypno tumbling to the other end of the field. I don’t think we’ll be seeing him again anytime soon. And now we’ve reached the heated conclusion. Both sides are down to their last Pokemon. As Kadabra takes advantage of the pause in battle to gather its concentration, Django summons Blastoise to the field. He lets out a loud roar that instantly silences the crowd. Blastoise takes aim at the opposition, but Kadabra is fast on the draw. Blastoise is forced to take a direct psychic assault. Oh man, I’m sure he felt that through his shell. The challenger’s Blastoise shakily gets to his feet and after an encouraging glance in the direction of his trainer, he take an offensive stance and fires an immense stream of water

directly at the foe. Kadabra is pushed against the wall of the stadium by the sheer force of the current. This Blastoise has its foe completely on the ropes, and we’re looking to the ref... YES! THAT’S IT, THE REF CALLS THE FIGHT! HE’S OUT! HE’S OUT! Stony Brook University takes the first ever Trans-Regional Championship CUP Thanks to those of you watching from SBU-TV, or listening through WUSB and a special thanks to those who came out to witness this historical battle. Strangely descending on the stadium is what appears to be a large Meowth-shaped hot air balloon. I’m not sure if this is part of the event or not...

“...and the entire article was comprised of pull-quotes.”

“It’s like they sure what “...like weren’t they were for...”

white “We like, people, or the didn’t think it food?” was there, but then like, it was.”

“Where were “Maybe they forgot to write the story?” the editors when all “I can come up with “We were of this was dumbfounded. happening!?” several pull-quotes off the top of my head.”

“They legalized selling babies for magicbeans the other day.” "haha this is in webdings we are really running out of ideas."

“Your Mom is John Cena.”

“Oi!”

™An yone tryna play 25

“I’m just gonna cosplay being lesbian, not actually be lesbian.”

marbles?∫

“WE’RE ANTS.”

“I wish I was filled with pepperoni, but instead I am filled with guilt and despair.”

™M aybe we should start referencing Jaden Smith tweets.∫

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT USING A DS STYLUS AS A Q-TIP?”

We had no idea where the quotes came from.”

“They clearly just made that quote take up more room because they were running out of shit to say.”

“MILLIONS.”

™B ut, like, coral?

“...”

10 roth regatta

Far More Interesting Themes for the

ur Undergraduate Student Government overlords have done it again; the pinnacle of every Spring semester, once the Streetlight Manifesto concert is all done and gone, is the thrilling duct tape-and-cardboard boat race across the Roth Pond: the Roth Regatta. And here is where our USG overlords failed to materialize the hype that should be associated with this wild boat race by giving it the profoundly boring theme of “Mainstream Fantasy.” So us here at the Stony Brook Press, considered by some to be an interesting and exciting lot, offer our masters a list of Far More Interesting Themes for the Roth Regatta: 1. Boats (canoes, sailboats, aircraft carriers; possibilities are endless with boats) 2. Roth Pond Geese (among other waterfowl)

4. Sea Algae (chlorophyta, rhodophyta, charophyta) 5. Mediocre Owen Wilson Movies (you see Drillbit Taylor? Imagine if that movie was a boat) 6. Cups (coffee mugs, beer steins, mason jars) 7. Fun (???) 8. Failure (failed exams, letters of recommendation you never received—instead of just being sad, you can build a boat AND be sad) 9. Bread (did you know the Mongolians used bread to make their boats? You didn’t? What are you stupid or something?) 10. Slightly Less Mainstream Fantasy (Conan, American Gods, Tales of Symphonia)

3. Duct Tape and Cardboard (duct tape, card board)

HOW TO MAGAZINE

New York, New York Baseball Predictions

Randall Waszynski One topic looms around the 2015 season for the New York Yankees and fans: Alex Rodriguez. Should he be on the team? Has he been punished adequately? Rodriguez, 39, sat out all of last season and the later half of 2013 with a suspension because it was revealed that he was using performance-enhancing drugs after news broke about the Biogenesis scandal. Fourteen major league players faced suspensions, but other suspensions paled in comparison to Rodriguez’s 162 benched games. But these are the wrong questions. A-Rod will be in the line-up this season regardless of the crowd’s adaptation. So what’s more important: itching to see him strike out every time at the plate or watching the Yankees win baseball games? Home-field advantage is all about the crowd’s support. And stripping a potential key offensive asset of that additional, much appreciated encouragement isn’t going to help the Bronx reach the top of the division. I grew up watching Rodriguez and Derek Jeter lead the Yankees, and it was difficult to see the whole scandal unfold. I am not, by any means, a fan åof Alex Rodriguez anymore after his countless lies and multiple infractions with MLB policies regarding PEDs, but he has a spot in the New York Yankees’ line-up this season. If he can help the team get a 28th World Series victory, then that’s great. A better question is: What will we expect in terms of baseball from Rodriguez? In a league based solely on production, Alex Rodriguez will have to overcome his checkered past and play at a consistent level if he wants to retain his title as an offensive threat in the big leagues. New York will face a difficult challenge and a painstaking risk by penciling Rodriguez into the line-up. But he still needs to be paid $61 million by the organization. In the eyes of the New York Yankees, they will attempt to squeeze every penny’s worth out of the clubhouse polarizer. Alex Rodriguez may have no positive impact on the team’s record, but his contribution is toward the team— not the A-Rod legacy, which is deep in the landfill alongside the likes of Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds. His name may not have value in the record books, but his value toward the New York Yankees in the upcoming season rests on his ability to swing the bat. This A-Rod stuff is in the past for the New York Yankees this season, whose priority is to win games. And if the post-steroid-era A-Rod can make an impact, that is the push this offensively challenged Yankees team desires.

Michael DeSantis Spring training is underway, which means regular season baseball is right around the corner. The Mets will be looking to have a better campaign than the Yankees and they have a very good shot to do so. The Mets not only have a better starting pitching staff than the Yankees; they have one of the best in the league. The Mets’ ace, Matt Harvey will be coming back from Tommy John surgery to reunite with other young studs like Zack Wheeler and Jon Niese, as well as Bartolo Colon and last season’s Rookie of the Year Jacob deGrom. That doesn’t even include Dillon Gee, as well as prospects Noah Syndergaard and Steven Matz. I’ll take that pitching corps any day over the aging CC Sabathia, injury prone Michael Pineda, the underachieving Ivan Nova, Nathan Eovaldi and journeyman Chris Capuano. They do have a gem in Masahiro Tanaka though to anchor their rotation, but he can only pitch every five games or so. The Mets’ lineup will consist of a blend of veterans and young up-and-comers. David Wright, Daniel Murphy, Curtis Granderson and Michael Cuddyer provide some veteran leadership; while youngsters Travis d’Arnaud, Lucas Duda, Wilmer Flores and defensive standout Juan Lagares (who won a Gold Glove award last season) look to build upon last year’s success. The tools are there for a solid offense, while also being a defensively sound lineup. The Yankees will be playing their first season without longtime captain Derek Jeter, whose leadership will likely be sorely missed in the locker-room. Alex Rodriguez will be back for the Yankees this season, or as he’s better known, A-Roid. He’ll return after serving a suspension for the 2014 season for using illegal steroids from the now-closed Biogenesis anti-aging clinic in Florida, and trying to hamper the MLB’s investigation into the allegations against him. The 39-year-old rejoins the Yankee core in hopes he can provide a spark without the use of performance enhancing drugs. The Mets are finally poised for their first winning season since 2008 and first playoff berth since 2006. The fans are ready and the club has the players to do it.

Angry Sports Fans Argue about Hockey Michael DeSantis There are several reasons why the Islanders are the better team than the Rangers when it comes to hockey in New York, both currently and historically. While the teams are neck and neck in the standings right now, it’s not farfetched to think the Islanders will win the division when the season is said and done and do some damage in the playoffs. To start, the Islanders have one of the best players in the NHL on their team, John Tavares, who is better than any player the Rangers have on offense, despite Rick Nash being near the top of the league on goals. The Isles captain has a very good chance of winning the Hart Trophy for the NHL’s MVP, and the Art Ross for leading the league in points. The team is continuing to win without their second best forward, Kyle Okposo, who had surgery on his detached retina, who might be coming back soon. Once he comes back, the team will definitely be in business. This season has seen the Islanders play their best regular season hockey in over 20 years. The Isles also have the better young core than the Blueshirts. I’d like to think most fans around the league would take forwards Tavares, Ryan Strome, Anders Lee, Brock Nelson, and defenseman Nick Leddy and Travis Hamonic over Derek Stepan, Chris Kreider, J.T. Miller and Ryan McDonagh. The Islanders and Rangers have each won four Stanley Cups. The difference is that the Rangers have been around almost 50 more years than the Isles. The Rangers also won three of their championships when there were less than ten teams in the league. If the Islanders had those luxuries, they’d almost certainly have more than four Stanley Cups. The Rangers championship team in 1994 basically consisted of the core from the Edmonton Oilers roster that won five Stanley Cups just a few years prior. Mark Messier, Craig MacTavish and Glenn Anderson were all on the Oilers championship rosters. All that said, it should be an exciting finish to the rest of the regular season and an even more exciting postseason. Let’s go Islanders! As a Ranger’s fan I’d mention the fact that Glen Sather has a habit of tossing talent (Gaborik, Del Zotto, Dubinsky, Bickel) That and Tortorella were the biggest downfall. Capuano’s very hands-off approach has allowed the team to grow outside of the restraints that Torts had on the Rangers.

SPORTS Jessica Opatich The Rangers went from “Tex’s Rangers” to “The Classiest Team In Hockey,” and now, they’re riding atop a four-game win streak and holding the top spot in the Metropolitan Division of the Eastern Conference. New York Rangers Hockey is an incomparable combination of legendary talent, charisma, and bad-assery. Then, there is the team that will forever remain in the shadow of their Big Apple rivals, The New York Islanders. In 1926 the National Hockey League took over the defunct World Hockey League and two years later the New York Rangers were hoisting the Stanley Cup trophy. Two years later. The league was born and then, just two years later, greatness was established. This is 44 years before the Isles were even founded and more than half a century before they hoisted that same trophy. It started with moonshine, really. A lot of moonshine. William “Big Bill” Dwyer amassed a fortune peddling moonshine. Big Bill jumped at the chance to own a professional hockey team in New York City. So, he purchased the Hamilton Tigers, moved them from Canada to the newly built Madison Square Garden and renamed them the New York Americans George Lewis “Tex” Rickard, a prominent boxing promoter, was running the Garden at the time and decided to get in on the professional hockey scene and purchased an expansion team, “Tex’s Rangers.” The New York Rangers are a team built on the money of gangsters, cowboys, and boxers. It’s not just a New York story, it’s an American story. Islanders fans will no doubt mention the string of championships in the early 1980s. It’s admittedly impressive, but their greatness was fleeting. It came in quickly and unexpectedly and left in the same fashion. I see it on the tattered, fading jackets of Long Island fathers and grandfathers who’ve been unable to buy a new championship jacket for the past 32 years. But if you want the cold hard facts —here they are. The Rangers are the most resilient team in the league. We lost our Hall of Fame goalie and guess what, we replaced him with the best backup goalie in the league. Cam Talbot is 133-3 since February 4. We lost Stralman, Pouliot, Richards, and one of my former favorites, Brian Boyle. These were all key players. But, we added Yandle and Sheppard and resigned fan favorite, Mats Zuccarello. Vigneault has made some major adjustments following former coach, John Tortorella. He’s worked with young players like J.T. Miller and Kevin Hayes and veterans like Rick Nash, who is currently second for most goals in the league. The Rangers are one of three teams with 95 points. The only team with more points right now is Anaheim, and they’ve played three more games. We meet them Sunday at the Garden. That’s the matchup I’m waiting to see. The Islanders aren’t even on my radar.

OPINION

FRESH OFF THE BOAT LIKE ME Shan Lin ABC’s new sitcom Fresh Off the Boat turned out to be a hit on the Tuesday comedy battlefield. It shows the laughter and the tears of a Taiwanese family that moves to the lily-white suburbs of Orlando in the early 90s and, in my opinion, the story is all about a single question: when you’re different, should you fit in? It is not about being Asian American and it is not about culture shock, it is about everyday life. Being an international student and a FOB type of girl in American society, I have to say that, even though I am not an Asian American, I can still relate to this show. It may not be as universally funny as Friends or South Park, and it’s characters may still be based in some of the same stereotypes as all other Asian Americans portrayed in the media, but it is still so unique and groundbreaking. In fact, it is the first series centered on an Asian American family airing on network television since Margret Cho’s All American Girls back in 1995. The mother character of this family, Jessica Huang, is a typical strict and harsh mom who only pays close attention to her sons’ academic results. When the school principle was alarming parents with a drug issue around school, Jessica’s only care is centered around her elder son Eddie’s report card. If Eddie doesn’t get an A, she’ll be mad; if Eddie gets straight A’s, she’ll be even more mad. She considers the school curriculum too easy and starts tutoring her sons at home! For Jessica, it is not important

if she could fit in or not; all she worries about is her family. She tried to join a group comprised of some American neighbors, but it just doesn’t go well. When people make fun of her, she continues to be herself and doesn’t feel ashamed. She is probably the toughest character on the show. When Eddie brings a noodle lunchbox that Jessica made for him to school , he is obviously mocked and humiliated by his American friends. A rebellious teenager who is desperate to be a “real man like Shaq,” Eddie got so ashamed that he dumped all the noodles. It kind of broke my heart even though the pilot was so funny. Eddie is a teenager who would die for a little recognition from his American peers. He hates that he is a different color, has different food and different everything from other kidsl.” But on the other hand, he is a caring and loving big brother in the family, who often feels proud of his parents for being good people. Even though he’s only 15, he feels like a complete character. While having imperfections, Fresh Off the Boat is doing a good job encouraging the American audience to understand their Asian friends and neighbors. Moreover, it came with questions for us to think. I can see myself clearly in the characters. How about you?

MetroCard 1993-2020 Kevin Urgiles

-Insert this way / This side facing you

etroCards, the little yellow wobbly rectangles that allow people to get around on the subway and break into their rooms if they forgot their keys, are at the heart of what being a New Yorker is all about. They are the reason why people growing up in the city don’t drive until they are 22. Unfortunately, the MTA weighed the pros and cons of the MetroCard and has decided that the best course of action for the future of New York City’s subway system is to permanently relieve our wallet companion from its sworn duty by the year 2020. I regretted losing all of those MetroCards over the years, not knowing that one day they would be nothing more than some pieces of plastic with magnetic strips that future generations will go see at the New York Transit Museum in Brooklyn. The worst part is that the MTA is not even replacing the MetroCard with something cool, like the 3D-printed “Sesame Rings” that an MIT graduate helped create to substitute for the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority’s transit card. Instead they are implementing another card system that uses radio-frequency identification (RFID) technology. This technology has improved significantly since researchers began dabbling with its potential in the 1970s. What was once a large chip used to track cows (and marketed products soon after) has now become small and economical enough to incorporate into everyday systems, like the subway. The RFID technology will be placed inside cards as tags that can constantly change and update data. Such technology makes it easy to deduct money from an electronic data bank where a certain amount of money may be placed. Instead of having to swipe the MetroCard’s magnetic strip you will just have to tap it against a surface with near field communication technology that can access the data in the card. So far so good, right? Well, while it’s true that magnetic strips can be infiltrated easily by someone familiar with skinning data, the truth is that MetroCards don’t have that much important information on them. Besides the ten-digit serial number with your amount of money, MetroCard information significantly lacks the amount of information a hacker can get from you when compared to a credit or debit card that is being used constantly. In my eyes, the MetroCard was

a safe way of keeping 30 bucks in one card without having to worry that someone could steal more from you. Honestly, I would laugh if someone tried to hack my MetroCard with $5.55 on it. If they went through all that trouble just to get a ride to work and back then they probably need it more than I do. The MTA has defended their decision to replace the MetroCard with several reasons, but the one that stands out the most is their claim that it will help busses run faster. At first having people tap their credit cards to pay for busses instead of waiting a whole two seconds after dipping their MetroCard seemed logical to me, but then I thought about it some more. I am not sure how often Thomas R. Prendergast, CEO and Chairman of the MTA, rides the bus to get around New York, but from personal experience of being crushed inside a packed Q47 bus for four years s I can safely say that the reason busses take so damn long to get going is because of the people who pay with coins. If everyone just used a MetroCard instead of counting how many nickels they have while getting on the bus then we might see a real improvement. Well, now all we can do is wait. Wait for MetroCards to become irrelevant by 2020, and then completely disappear from the average New Yorker’s wallet by 2022. I am not upset that technology is doing its job by making our lives easier. But I am upset that one day I will reminisce to younglings about how I used to hoard MetroCards in my FOSSIL wallet for no reason besides the fact that it made it look like I had cash in there, and they will have no clue about what I am talking about. No clue about how many memories were stored in that card along with my $5.55.

What’s in a Picture? Dovid Marsky

Several years ago, my wife Laura and her mother Joan, went on a trip to Italy with my parents. I unfortunately could not travel due to a heavy workload. After a long flight from NYC to Milan, they all arrived at their hotel, travelweary. Due to Murphy’s Law, they had to wait longer than expected for their rooms. My father, an avid photographer, decided he would take some pictures of Joan and Laura sitting on a bright red couch in the lobby. This made them both uneasy, as they were tired from traveling and not feeling the whole “photo shoot” opportunity. They were both doing their best to overcome their vanity and smile for the shot. My father took the picture because he wanted to get the whole mother/daughter traveling photo—just doing his thing. A year zipped by and my father told Laura that he had “a gift she would love”— When Laura received the gift and saw the picture, her expression was priceless. She didn’t like how she looked in the shot and was currently fighting with her mother. What kind of gift was this? She took the picture and promptly put it in the trunk of her car. This was where it would sit for three years freezing, thawing, wrinkling and just being ignored. One summer day, I decided to clean out the guest room and that lead to me reorganizing things, making random trips from one room to another ensuring each object found its proper place. At one point, my reorganization efforts lead me to the trunk of my wife’s car—that’s when the picture grabbed my eye, I decided to bring it inside and place it on the dresser. I actually liked this picture. Laura came home and looked at me with expressions of disdain, naturally I cooked dinner that night. She couldn’t believe that the picture had actually made it into the house and told me neither she nor her mom cared for it. I told her I liked it and that it was a gift. I couldn’t throw it out.

A few days ago, when I was coming out of a lecture, I saw many text messages on my phone. The one that stood out was from my brother Michael, “David, call Laura, she’s ok, Joan…” I knew what that meant; she was an ill woman who had a heart transplant done on September 11th 2001, and due to medical malpractice—she had passed in the early morning hours. That night,WWW I was consoling my wife. The picture in question on the kitchen table—placed in a careful manner with a candle next to it. It was the only picture that we had in physical form with both Joan and Laura in it, as strange as that may seem. Laura told me how much she now loved the picture and wished she had more pictures of her and her mom, no matter the appearance. I called up my buddy Matthew, a professional photographer, and had him scan and crop the image so that it looked like a portrait of Joan. We used that for the funeral service and reveled in how good she looked there—her health had deteriorated sharply in her final days. Now, Laura has declared the original as her favorite picture. I find it interesting how, over time your perception of an object or circumstance can change—sometimes drastically. We’ve all experienced a parallax. It’s when you walk past a building and slowly see the background—or not. From one angle you may see a forest behind the building, but from another angle just a tree. I wonder, how many of us have cemented themselves to their beliefs and miss out on the forest behind the building—not because they don’t want to see, but because their perspective never offered them the opportunity or capacity to change their view. At any given moment circumstances change. Was the energy we used to hold the position pointless? Of course not. I’m not implying that we shouldn’t take or explore a given position, but rather be flexible in understanding that things change and, when they do, we might need to change our conceptions. Sometimes the change is sudden and all is made clear quickly. Other times its slow, too slow for us to even recognize what’s happening—we’ve made up our minds some time ago and might perceive the world as it once was. After writing this article the story about “the dress” broke across the Internet, and I felt that it exposed how drastic our perceptions can be from one another because of something like capacity or “vantage point.” Is the dress blue or white and gold? It turns out that, when background context changes, so might people’s ability to determine what’s in front of them—even if it’s something as elementary as color.

The Right to Engage with Minimum Wage Kyle Barr

orking at or close to minimum wage simply makes you feel small. Minimum wage is the lowest rung of the ladder and it does not reach very high. You can get bumped up to minor manager positions, but it’s years before those opportunities come. You end up doing the same work as before, only more of it. The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ (BLS) latest report shows that unemployment is down to 5.7 percent, and most sectors show increase in employment and the average number of hours people are working is up. Then why, after all this, does the close to minimum wage job feel so small? The political debate on raising minimum wage progressively to $10.10 an hour in 2014 has raged all the way to the beginning of 2015. There are multiple studies, and their data seems to contradict each other, where they either suggest that raising the minimum wage will slow job growth, or that it will raise people out of poverty. Minimum wage has always had to rise due to inflation. Where it stands now is much below that old standard. Many pundits have stated that when they were young, they made due with $3 and hour and were glad for the job opportunity. They forget to mention that when adjusted for inflation, three dollars in 1979 becomes close to ten dollars, according to the Bureau of

Labor Statistics (BLS). That debate has become another playground of partisanship. Many conservative thinkers argue that raising the minimum wage hurts the economy by decreasing demand for jobs and forcing jobs to limit hours for their employees, and that minimum wage hurts small businesses by making them pay more for the same amount of work. Some argue that the very idea and policy of minimum wage hurts those at lower income by limiting job opportunities for low paying, starting jobs. It makes sense, especially on paper. The market economy has always worked on a system of supply and demand. When you increase the price, you lower the demand. Of course, then you are treating such people as a commodity, as if they are supposed to be used. That utilitarian belief reminds me more of the beliefs present at the start of the industrial revolution than anything else. And of course, it would be assuming that many workplaces do not involve hard work, and are not already abusing their workforce. Wage abuse became a hot button issue in 2014, especially concerning fast food workers. Cases of unpaid overtime, wage theft, off the clock working and even the abuse of child labor laws coalesce to the effect of the abuse of the minimum wage worker. These circumstances do not occur at the level of a small business, but at

the scale of large chain restaurants and fast food places, where according to the BLS the majority of minimum wage workers are found. The larger companies can claim they have no hand in it, but managers are incentivized to maximize work hours for a limited number of employees, making sure that no overtime is paid. Wage abuse is consistently tied to minimum wage. Many of the largest service industry jobs can pay their employees $10.10 an hour, but have argued against it using the same arguments used by conservative pundits. The argument that such jobs are only supposed to be a starting job is false, the median age of frontline fast food workers is 29, according to the BLS. It’s a cycle. The people who have minimum wage jobs move from one to the other, gaining little transferable work experience to a higher income job. Not all minimum wage workers are non-adults, and it becomes rather insulting to tell people to simply work harder, only to have jobs stop you from working overtime, or not even pay for it. The number of part time workers is dropping, the economy is improving. It’s time to help the people stuck in the same situation they found themselves in 2009.

major influencers in menswear

highlighted his obsession with making the best menswear essentials. Elliot created a line of clothes that took basics to another level with their best selling side zip “Villain” hoodie and fitted denim giving the whole menswear community a reason to want to try a more laid back style. In 2014, GQ announced John Elliot + Co as one of the winners in its annual Best New Menswear Designers in America contest.

Jordan Bowman

espite men’s previous serf-level importance in the Fashion Kingdom, menswear is on a huge upswing now. In the last few years, the menswear community has become a much more lucrative business. A large majority of guys are finally becoming interested in clothing, just check one of your friends’ Instagram pictures and you will probably see #GQ somewhere while they flex in their poorly fitted blazer. It is common knowledge that men play a much smaller role in fashion. Over a month ago, the Council of Fashion Designers of America, or CFDA, announced that menswear is getting its own dedicated Fashion Week from July 13th to the 16th. There have already been similar men’s fashion events held in Italy and London but being America, we’re always a step behind when it comes to anything cool. The New York Times is even launching a Monthly Men’s Style Section beginning in spring, according to Capital New York.

Public School:

In 2014, Public School designers Dao-Yi Chow and Maxwell Osborne received the CFDA award for Menswear, which certified them as rock stars in the fashion world. The designers managed to blend high fashion and the rugged details of blacked-out, tailored sportswear. Public School is flawlessly creating MA-1 Bombers and slim fitting leather jackets. They are catalysts in menswear, so you better believe that Zara and H&M are going to be making some knock-off versions real soon.

Kanye West:

Mr. West is a brand that influences everything from HipHop to menswear. In a now-famous interview with Zane Lowe from BBC radio, Kanye described himself as WreckIt-Ralph. It is a somewhat bizarre metaphor but you have to admit Kanye West has the power to influence millions of people and no one is more polarizing musically or in fashion. When the “Stronger” video premiered and Kanye wore those white shutter shades, no one knew why the hell they were wearing useless sunglasses, you just did it because Kanye taps into culture. His original sneaker collaboration with Nike, the Air Yeezy’s sold out almost immediately. The second time around, the Air Yeezy II’s gave Nike an even more astonishing turnaround in profits. However Kanye and Nike’s lucrative creative partnership was soon disbanded after Nike and Kanye had a falling out over creative reasons. After Nike, Kanye had a connection with the French fashion company A.P.C. His first and second collaborative collection with the brand sold out again as expected. Kanye recently revealed his new Adidas collaboration, which is currently one of the most talked about events in menswear. The point is that Kanye shits diamonds and pisses gold when it comes to fashion collaborations and he moves products off the shelf.

John Elliot + Co:

Did you notice that sometime last year, men started wearing more sweatpants? I’m not talking about the grease stained, stretched out pair that your high school gym teacher used to wear. I’m talking about the slimmed-down, streamlined version, a trend that was kick-started by John Elliot’s brand. Elliot’s ascension to the menswear throne happened quickly and his influence didn’t go unnoticed. In 2013, GQ profiled John Elliot + Co featuring the brand’s head designer and 17

DRUGZZZ

FUN WITH BOOZE YOUR GUIDE TO DRINKING Greetings fellow drug enthusiasts. While you might have been hoping for a topic this month that was unfamiliar, or at least peaked your curiosity, in light of recent events throughout our campus, it’s a good time to discuss our need for booze. Alcohol has always been, and as far as i can tell will always be, the choice drug for the majority of students. Some use it to unwind after a long week of grueling work, surrounded in an otherwise immobile room of frat brothers and random strangers, while others choose to enjoy a simpler night with a handle, a few friends and Cards Against Humanity. Being heavily consumed, however, alcohol has the opportunity to cause trouble, moreso than other drugs, whether that means a night of regrets, or in most cases, your head stuck in a semi-clean stall for an hour or two. At it’s worst, alcohol can lead to sexual assault, violence, criminal conduct and a trip to the emergency room. So how can these be avoided without giving up our beloved drink of choice? With Stony Brook stirring controversy recently with the claims that a woman’s sexual assault was mishandled by the university, the issue of sexual assault and alcohol should be addressed. According to a recent article by the New York Post, the victim had attended an on-campus party where she had her mixed drink switched to straight liquor so that the alleged attacker could assault her. As a male student myself, I am unaware of how frequently this occurs but I believe that there are strategies to avoid the situation this victim was subjected to. As a caveat, let me declare this explicitly: it is always the attacker’s fault when one becomes the survivor of assault. Under no circumstances should the survivor have had to do something, not have said something, or not have been where they were to not become sexually assaulted. With this in mind, here are some ideas to stay proactive in keeping yourself safe with alcohol. The first point should be nearly fundamental to people concerned about this, and that

is to keep an eye on your drink, especially around people you may not trust. Beyond this, having a friend or two accompany you to make sure that you get home safe and make sound decisions is always a great idea. If you decide to bring friends along with you, it might be a good idea to communicate your intentions for the night before anyone begins drinking, as this sets an easy to follow guideline for the night out. Beyond sexual assault, dependence on alcohol is an issue that is rarely addressed in college but is more of a “hush-hush” activity for individuals. Alcohol, being easily accessible to most of the student body, is too often the drug of choice for attempting to forget your problems, cope with circumstances or make decisions that you would not normally make. Unfortunately, there isn’t much sound advice to give if you are somebody or know somebody in this position. Of the few options on campus, the Counseling and Psychological Services, otherwise known as CAPS, is a highly recommended service to anyone struggling with dependency issues. CAPS has trained counselors and even specific support groups for people who are already abusing or even simply using more than they desire and offers the services for free in complete anonymity. Outside of this, being supportive of someone who is dependent or coping with alcohol may also be useful in that it may encourage them to seek help. Being there for them can even be the perspective they need to reevaluate their drinking habits. So to put it swiftly, just because alcohol leads to these problems doesn’t mean we have to abandon it. We simply have to use it in a responsible manner to ensure it doesn’t interfere with our lives. So raise your glass to a great semester and hopefully I’ll see some of you stumbling over near the Union soon, ordering your three burritos at one in the morning.

Cheers! Love, Lippman & Miss Token 16

ASK A SEMI-PROFESSIONAL PERVERT: SEXY STRESS RELIEF DAKOTA JORDAN

eople ask me a LOT of questions about sex and related topics. A huge amount of those questions are prefaced with something about how nervous or anxious the person is to even be asking the question. Anxiety and stress are both huge problems when it comes to sex. It keeps people from communicating with their partners, finding partners and sometimes can prevent them from having sex with existing partners. People with anxiety disorders often take medicine that can cause erectile disfunction or a lowered libido, which can sometimes be a source of more stress. However, orgasms, whether from sex or masturbation, can actually help to alleviate stress. Here are some ideas for sexy stress relief, alone or with a partner:

•Pour some hot water over your head, or sit in it. A bath or shower, alone or with a friend, is a great way to relieve stress and also an awesome place to masturbate. People who tend to get a lot of UTIs should stick with showers. A good sexy addition is yummy smelling soap. Lather yourself or a partner and enjoy that slippery-skin feeling.

•Massages are awesome

. Get some lotion or body oil and rub yourself down. Or rub down a friend. Or cover a group of consenting adults in super slick goodness and just roll around naked. This will leave you with smooth skin and reduced stress. Just make sure to put some towels down first.

•Consume something tasty

. PostValentine’s Day, chocolate is cheap. Eat some of that. Or some fruit. Or fruit dipped in chocolate. Maybe eat it off your partner. Snacks are fun and fun is good. And snacks during sex just means more energy for sex. Bored of the whole “fruit and chocolate” thing? Try Nutella, or honey, or frosting. Really, you could lick Sriracha off a person as long as everyone involved knows it’s going to burn like shit. Just keep all the treats out of the vagina/urethra/ eyes/nose because really, food doesn’t belong there. You want ants? That’s how you get ants.

•Watch a sexy film

. Not 50 Shades. Maybe Secretary? Maybe some “Awesome Crashpad” series porn? Maybe some old episodes of “Whisker Wars” (I have my own ideas about what’s sexy). The point is, watch something sexy. Watch it alone in bed with your sex toy of choice. Watch it with a partner in a slightly bigger bed. Watch it with a group of close friends and analyze the artistic merits of the piece.

•Work it out

. Yeah yeah, exercise is good for stress we all know that, but you know what else can be good? Being too tired and sore to even think about anything, and that doesn’t have to come from a gym. Instead of watching a movie about BDSM, maybe try some out yourself. Spanking is fun and doesn’t require any fancy toys. Aim for the fleshy parts of the butt and thighs and make sure to use a safe word.

Got more questions or comments? Email me @ semiproperv@gmail.com

your butt. It’s not a good look to have pockets that look like they’re trying to climb up your ass. Look out for a slight taper towards the ankle. I suggest opting for dark navy blue or black if you’re new to the trouser game. Let your leggings rest this spring. An interesting headband ($5-$20) Not everyone has their ears pierced; bracelets can be annoying in class; sometimes you don’t have time to struggle with a necklace clasp. Accessorizing in general is such a personal touch so go with a headband that suits you but don’t settle for plain ones that have no appeal other than keeping hair out of your face. ASOS offers a student discount and has pages of options that range from simple bows to studded statement pieces.

For the dudes: Clarks Desert Boots ($90) If you want to stand out in a crowd full of “bros,” you have to step your footwear game up. These are basically the cheaters guides to being fresh. Everybody loves desert boots; they’re relatively cheap, they look good on everyone, and your lady friends are going to compliment you for not dressing like a Hollister reject. Desert boots look good in basically any color, but I would recommend the Beeswax Leather or Sand Suede color options. Uniqlo Linen Shirts ($35) The temperature tends to shift dramatically as the seasons transition from Winter to Spring, so that means layers. Layering is actually pretty simple, but it’s just hard to do if you are picking random items from your closet. It’s important to realize that you have to try and balance different fabrics. Linen is perfect because its thin and breathable, which means you can wear it during the day and then throw on a sweater or a jacket for some late-night debauchery. Levi’s Denim Jacket ($60) The denim jacket is a kind of all-purpose menswear basic because it works year round for layering and they tend to fit really well. Just as a rule of thumb, try not to match your denim jacket with your jeans. The only person allowed to wear a Canadian tuxedo is Drake. I would recommend picking up the slim fit option in Stone Wash. The lighter color makes it look more casual and rugged. Chinos ($30-50) Almost every clothing store has a selection of chinos to choose from, but your best bet would probably be from Club Monaco or Uniqlo. Club Monaco has three fitted options. The Kennedy is a looser fit that some guys may feel more comfortable in. The Connor is available if you prefer a skinny tapered look. If you fall somewhere right in the middle of those two options, try the Davis pants for a slim alternative. Club Monaco may not work under some student’s budgets, so try Uniqlo if you want a variety of colors and maybe save some extra dollars. Timex Weekender Watch ($30) A lot of people don’t see the need for a watch, and it’s understandable with your phone attached to you body like an extra appendage. Why waste time strapping ancient technology to you wrists? But Timex has a cheap option for the broke students out there that actually still care about the time. You can get the “Weekender,” which comes with a basic colored NATO strap. I would recommend the navy blue or olive green color.

Broke Kid Fresh Without Fashion the Debt

Jasmine Wibisono & Jordan Bowman

Spring is here. It’s time to pack away that 50-pound The North Face parka, those Timberlands boots and prepare for bright, sunny days and the abusive New York City heat. As you transition from Winter to Spring, you have to change the wardrobe up a bit. I realize that most college students are broke after taking out financially crippling loans, but that doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to look a little more presentable. No more oversized cargo shorts and tank tops that have ironic marijuana jokes. Everything in life is expensive, especially clothes, so we curated a list of items for broke college kids like you.

For the ladies: G.H. Bass Oxfords ($70) Or really any close-toed shoes that are not sneakers. Oxfords comes in a myriad of styles that range from boot-like and menswear-inspired to more girly and streamlined. Select a pair that reflects your own personal style and make sure you truly like every aspect of the shoe before you invest in it. If you’re not sure where to begin looking, G.H. Bass & Company offer a pair of Oxfords that are a happy medium between feminine and masculine. Lightweight Utility Jacket-- (Forever 21, $35) A piece of outerwear that looks good with just about anything and is super functional whether you’re going on a road trip or just going to class. Look for one that has a cinch or drawstring that hits your waist, the smallest part of your torso, when you wear it. This key detail will help maintain structure in what is otherwise a casual jacket. You could also invest in one that’s waterproof, unless you prefer wearing a bright yellow raincoat. Forever 21 has options that come in good neutral colors, but aren’t that shade of army green that was everywhere in 2014. Button Down Collared Shirt -- (H&M, $25) Even if you choose to forgo everything else suggested, this is the one thing every girl, and really everyone, should have. Make sure you invest in one that is 100% cotton or linen, materials lightweight enough to keep you from overheating. Pair this with jean shorts, cuff up the sleeves and leave the first two buttons undone for a casual look, or opt for a dressier look by buttoning all the way up and adding a statement necklace and dark jeans. Trousers (H&M, $30) Yes trousers, or pants that aren’t made of thin cotton, nylon, or denim. It sounds sort of dated but a good pair of trousers that fit you well will look exponentially, substantially, like, galaxies better than a pair of too-tight or worn out skinny jeans. Search for ones which have back pockets that lay right on the center of

(fifty-four minutes in real-time) Actually let’s take a minute Deku Scrub you don’t give much because after then he’s outtie. on the Bomber Gang and their back. Also note that the world will be notebook. After joining this But right away I’m prepared with destroyed by a resting pissed face club of young boys (albeit the time-slowing inverted song moon in this amount of time as some unprogressive bullshit of time—the Starbucks secret well. The two are unrelated as far discrimination I face as a shitty menu of ocarina songs. With time as confirmed statements go. The little Deku Scrub), they give me slowed from the beginning (as Happy Mask Salesman refused to this quest log which categorizes all opposed to learning from friends comment. my objectives and another page telling me, the invention of Google, I walk out into the beautifully with individual schedules of each or waiting until Majora 3DS is designed Clock Town where any NPC with accompanying pictures. released 15 years later…), I was able vacationer would love to spend It’s a little carry on Facebook that to sort of kick back and enjoy my more than three days in. It looks as these innovative youths will share time in Termina. I also prolonged if Hyrule turned into Portland with with their grandchildren one day my suffering when considering my massive art installations poor, sad Deku form. all up on the walls, At some point in concert promos, street all this I realize Clock All was going well for me at first; performers and a Town (despite how major tourist economy. hip it is) isn’t the place I was the boy heartthrob and hero Of course, Dawn of for a social innovator/ of time, Young Link. Getting women the First Day: 72 Hours ex-hero of time (am I Remain—I’ve got no still, though?) like me. would be a piece of cake. I was time to be waddling II go to the Southern about a city which Swamp where ugly riding out of Hyrule on my beloved pretty much denies things reside, seeking service everywhere solidarity. I feel steed Epona—all of us in HD, for shitty little Deku completely not at scrubs. Even the yorkie home as the potion nothing could junk up my day. in South Clock Town hags deny me service attacks me for being and even the Deku ugly. aristocracy doesn’t want Eventually you do get past (given I beat this game and save me in their court. No one wants the whole ugly Deku phase and this dumb world which doesn’t me. become the boy-heartthrob Young even love me). I walk away from my 3DS for Link and people suddenly want These kids are pretty clutch two hours and forty-two minutes to talk to you. When this happens despite their slight racism. They and let the moon crash into Clock I suggest exploring the colorful act as this Sherlock Holmes Town. personalities of Clock Town. There network of vagrants who hook you Still though, five stars. be mad sidequests. up with sidequest ideas. One new friend I find is the Since I first played Majora’s Mask famous green-jumpsuit clad Tingle back in year 2000, I’ve learned who was probably the chief reason how to manage stress. Three days Majora’s Mask was ever so popular. translated into fifty-four minutes He sells maps for a living. I suspect isn’t so bad and a moon crashing this man-fairy to not be a certified upon the world is manageable. cartographer but 5 rupees for a I have also gotten cold. But you map is a solid deal. know, when the call of duty Compared to the original 2000 demands you to be a hideous release, the gameplay hasn’t changed much. Though there are some rad new features including: a Sheika Stone tunnel which leads to clues, these funny cow bobble heads (which bobble very dynamically whenever the moon impends its doom), a timeline which replaces the old obtrusive semi-circle clock (it counts hours and minutes. Minutes!) and a greatly improved Bomber’s Notebook.

t was Valentine’s day and my father was going to see Fifty Shades of Gray with his 23-yearold girlfriend. I had to be out of the house for the night. Fortunately on this same day I bought Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for 3DS so I took my handheld and sorrowfully wandered the Lost Woods. Majora’s Mask is the third (fourth if you want to count A Link Between Worlds) HD remake from the Legend of Zelda series, proceeded by Ocarina of Time 3D and Windwaker HD. The loose sequel to Ocarina had gained a cult following due to its dismal storyline and rich world-building. It has seen much anticipation for some sort of remake pretty much since Nintendo revived Super Mario 64 with Super Mario 64 DS. All was going well for me at

Majora’s Mask: My Funny Deku Scrub

By Taylor Knoedl first; I was the boy heartthrob and hero of time, Young Link. Getting women would be a piece of cake. I was riding out of Hyrule on my beloved steed Epona—all of us in HD, nothing could junk up my day. And of course, this game is fifteen years old so I should know that there he-be, that little brat Skull Kid wearing Majora’s mask with his personality disorder and two fairies who have no idea what they’re getting themselves into, just kind of jump me and steal my horse. It’s some bullshit. I still don’t have that horse back.

So at this point I’m still young Link and have to jump across some strategically laid out stumps. I do a few of those famous coolflips (which set Majora’s Mask as a real cultural back-flip forward from Ocarina of Time) and land into Termina. And then I’m an ugly little Deku Scrub because Skull Kid turned me into one. Fuck that guy. This is Majora’s Mask 3DS remake. Instead of being in the conflict-endured land of Hyrule where all the women fawn over the all-charming Ocarina rockstar, wielder of the Master Sword and high-fantasy James Bond—I’m in Termina as a hideous little Deku Scrub with a fairy who doesn’t even want to be my friend and not one beautiful women is in sight to teach me songs to remember them by (o’ where art thou Saria! Grow old with me!). To anyone unfamiliar with the story, this sketchy-ass Happy Mask Salesman needs Majora’s Mask back but he needs it in three days

Starbucks’ Secret Menu There’s a secret underground map found online. Within its pages are lists upon lists of different and sweet concoctions made up of sugars, creams, liquid sweeteners and artificial flavorings. The secret is found inside the local Starbucks. Legend has it that years ago, Starbucks employees came together at their own individual shops and created their own drinks using the ingredients available to them behind the counter. With the power of the Internet, employees all over the world have begun to post their creations to the web. “I know that the secret menu was created by other Starbucks baristas with way too much time on their hands,” Nicky Ramdeholl, a former barista said. “The most bizarre I've heard of is the Raspberry Cheesecake Latte… Just Google it and you’ll understand.” Although this idea of specially made shakes may seem amazing for sweet tooth lovers out there, employees of the coffee chain disagree that this “secret menu” is a good thing. “It's annoying when people would ask for the secret menu items especially if we were not taught how to make them,” Jess Mai, a former Roth Starbucks employee said. “It also usually takes more time to make them because more often than not they would be Frappuccino’s or complex drinks.” Ramdeholl worked at the Roth Quad Starbucks for a year and said that when students confronted her with a weird request, she would get frustrated. “It was pretty annoying when someone would order something off the secret menu because Starbucks employees are not trained to make those drinks,” she said. “Therefore, it becomes a grueling and tedious process. We have to wait for the customer to Google the recipe, then we squint at the ingredients while running from the drink bar to the cash register and try to make it,” she added. With names like “The Super Cream Frappuccino,” “Thin Mint Frapp,” “Teddy Grahams Frappuccino,” “The Bomb!” “Chocolate Caramel Pretzel Frapp,” “Snickerdoodle” and “Samoa Girl Scout Cookie Frappuccino,” customers are often intrigued. However, these delicious ideas are not, nor will they ever be, part of the official Starbucks menu next to the Double Chocolate Chip, Mocha and Vanilla Bean Frapps.

CULTURE

Julianne Mosher

And even though employees of the chain may find the procedure of creating a custom drink tedious, Starbucks disagrees. “While we don’t offer an official ‘secret menu,’ we do offer a wide variety of beverages that customers can personalize,” a Starbucks representative said in an email. “From time to time, we regularly recommend customizations we think our customers may enjoy.” “In addition to the beverage options included on our menu boards, there are more than 170,000 ways baristas can customize beverages at Starbucks, selecting from a variety of fresh dairy selections, combination of syrups, coffee/espresso options and toppings.” The Starbucks representative added that the personalization that baristas are capable of when it comes to creating that special drink can give customers a “unique Starbucks experience and tailor their drink to match their own personal taste preferences.” Some of these secret items have become so popular that select stores use the ingredients to their advantage. Amanda Mueller, a shift supervisor at Starbucks in Setauket said that her particular store made one secret menu item a real menu item because of its frequent desire. “’The Cotton Candy Frapp’ is a vanilla bean with raspberry. We actually train new partners about what it is so that they know because it’s ordered so frequently,” she said. “But it’s funny because people who have been with the company for years refuse to call it a cotton candy frapp… they will literally be like, ‘No we don’t have a cotton candy frapp. There is no cotton candy in that drink.” It’s unclear as to whether or not the “Willy Wonka” or “Butterbeer Frappuccino” will ever become a real thing but until then one barista requests that if a customer does feel the need to create their own beverage, they do it in a respectful and fluid way. “Knowing how to order your Starbucks drink properly makes you a better human,” Andrea Charidemou said In order to be that better human, she listed the way one should order it: “Size - hot or iced - (if extra espresso shot say here) drink type (ex: latte / caramel latte) - with (all extra things). you want go here - so like, extra caramel / whip cream...)”

NOSTALGIA GOGGLES PRESENTS: KEVIN URGILES I don’t really like Toys R Us. Its linoleum floors are covered with mysterious brown streaks. The air is a suffocating mixture of cashier sweat and children’s tears. Every store is pretty underwhelming, even the one in Times Square with the awkward Ferris wheel, but there is one section that stands out. The Lego section. As a kid you could always find me rummaging through the Lego section looking for one thing – Bionicles. Bionicles entered my life some time in 2001. My love for them began with a gift from my mom after doing well in school and eventually blossomed into a zero income profession that consumed all of my time, making it hard to focus on the rules of first-grade mathematics. I was always that kid that did not take care of his toys. I left them around the living room, inside the bathroom, hell, sometimes even the fridge. Bionicles changed that. I learned that Bionicles and the little pieces that make them up, required a certain amount of care and respect. If I opened the capsule-like packaging too carelessly I risked losing a microscopic piece that held an arm together, or worse yet, the head. The best part about building a Bionicle figure was not just the end product, but the actual process. I laid out every piece like a doctor getting ready to go into a 15-hour medical procedure. I studied the manual carefully and took it one step at a time. It taught me to be patient, work quickly and procrastinate completing my homework. The first biomechanical hero I ever built was Kopaka, Toa of Ice. His ability to control ice amused me, but I was not satisfied with having just one Bionicle figure on my tabletop. I wanted to collect every Toa, control every element, and rule my imaginary living room world. By the time I finished building every

Bionicle figure I could get my hands on, Bionicle: The Game had come out for the Nintendo GameCube. This game gave every Toa a completely new life. As I became immersed in the story of Mata Nui I could no longer see Kopaka as just a Lego figure that used his Ice Shield to ride around the snowy mountain ranges he called home. He had a personality to him. He was anti-social, brave and analytical. I was given a unique glimpse of the Bionicle Universe through his cyborg-like Toa Mask. I never beat the game. I never got to personally defeat Makuta and see how the Toa of Light looked like on my mom’s 20 inch Sony television. IGN gave the game a 3.8 out of 10 so I probably didn’t miss anything important, and whatever I did miss was more than likely covered in the Bionicle movie that I watched every time I had a friend over. I was mad popular. I eventually grew up. I played video games more often and soon I began finding pieces of Bionicle figures scattered around my house. One here, one there, some lost for good. I knew I would regret my apathy one day, but didn’t feel bad about it until the day I found out that Bionicles were being discontinued. The last time Bionicles had any relevance in my life was when I went to Ecuador this winter. I don’t know why I was reminded about my Toa collection while in the mountains of Cuenca, but I do remember feeling confused about where life was headed. I have always been a person who wants to be many things at once. An artist, a scientist, a philosopher. Now that I am reflecting on Bionicles, and how different each one of the Toa were I realize that the reason Bionicles appealed so much to me as a kid was because I could be so many things at

once. I could be the anti-social Kopaka, the wise Onua, the hot-headed Tahu, the virtuous Gali, the funny Lewa or the friendly Pohatu. I was free in my imagination, and having that freedom as a child shaped me into who I am today.

Bionicles were re-booted January of this year. That same month I went to Lego World with a friend who could not understand why I spent so much time contemplating whether or not to buy Kopaka. I knew that he would be a unique decoration on my college desk but I didn’t want him to be just that - a decoration. As I placed Kopaka back on the shelf I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter whether or not I had any of the figures on my desk anymore. They had already done their job.

WHEN WEATHER BITES, SBU WEATHER FIGHTS

or the first few weeks of the Spring ‘15 semester, Stony Brook University was subjected to a blitzkrieg of bad weather. The week before school was supposed to start, the media was advertising Winter Storm Juno as the “storm of the century” with up to 30 inches of snow accumulation and winds over 40 miles per hour. Reporters were out in the field before the first flakes hit the ground and were commenting even while most statistics said New York would not be hit as hard as New England. SBU Weather, a social media suite of forecasts hosted by the Stony Brook Meteorology Club, posted a much more subdued version of the storm over Facebook, with constant and clear updates of how the storm would affect Stony Brook campus. They even posted that when the first two days of classes were cancelled, the Union erupted in a cheer. “It was certainly not the storm of the century, a lot of meteorologists took the worst case scenario, and I’m not sure why. We knew it would just be a narrow band,” said President of the Meteorology Club and leader on the SBU Weather project Michael Colbert. When asked if he thought the news sites knew it would not be as bad as predicted, Colbert laughed. “Well I hope they knew,” he said. Colbert strolls around in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, a change from the slick black suit he wore for a few on the forecasts for the SB Newsbreak. The only reminder of that same man were his glasses and his amiable face. “I’m pretty much addicted to weather,” he said. “When theres a lot of homework to get done and theres a storm coming, the storm is my priority. Even during class when i see a heavy storm coming, I just walk outside, you know, pretend I’m going to the bathroom.” When Colbert first came to Stony Brook, the idea for personalized weather reports were already in his head, having posted weather reports on his own facebook page for over 7 years. “I started it my freshman year, and one of my first goals was ‘wouldn’t it be cool if nobody was ever surprised by the weather again?’ Even with a rain shower we could put on an alert 30 minutes before it happened and say ‘bring out the umbrellas if you’re headed to class.” Starting with only a few members of the meteorology club, the first attempt at this idea was renovating the old and outdated website. But even then the word did not seem to get out, so now all focus has been put on social media. “Social media has only been growing,” said professor and faculty advisor to the Meteorology Club Dr. Brian Colle. The primarily student driven project, he says, is a means of having a voice for students before, during and after bad weather occurs. “Social media is a real nice way of getting the word out,” Colle said. The Meteorology club uses a multitude of data to come to their conclusions. Computer models are developed by grad students using the two weathers stations at Stony Brook, one on top of the

Kyle Barr

Three Village Soccer Club building next to South P, and another on top of the Health Sciences building, one of the highest points in the surrounding area. They aggregate data from the National Center for Environmental Prediction in Maryland as well as the european model for tracking storms. The Meteorology club also has enough base knowledge of how weather usually interacts with Stony Brook and uses all the previous information to create one simple forecast. “Our primary goal is to make accurate forecasts,” Colbert said. In October of last year, the Meteorology club partnered with SB News to create a new forecasting section to the SB Newsbreak broadcast. The main driver behind the collaboration was Vice President of the Meteorology club, Charlie Argento. “It was my dream to do it before I even came here,” Argento said. Working with Journalism professor Jonathan Sanders, both Argento and Colbert have appeared on the broadcast. The number of club members have grown from 4 or 5 to 25 over the past few years. Colbert honestly believes that his forecasts are some of the most accurate. “It sounds kind of arrogant, but we know what time the majority of people are waking up, we know when the majority of people are heading out to class, we know when the majority of people are on Nicolls road, so we put our forecast out for those periods when people most need them.” Putting the magnifying glass to Stony Brook and the surrounding area while focusing on students and faculty allows SBU Weather to tailor its information to those select groups of people, while avoiding having to make large scale predictions without having all the data first. “Were not obligated to put out a 5 day forecast, so if we’re uncertain about something, we don’t even mention it until we get a better idea. The majority of us aren’t deciding if we have to have 50 sanitation trucks with salt, we don’t have to prepare so far in advance. For the most part we just need to know about the next few hours and tomorrow.” SBU Weather has over 900 likes on facebook and 165 followers over Twitter, and they have seen significant growth in early 2015. Enough Monday’s have seen foul weather for SBU Weather to coin the term “Messy Mondays.” These mondays saw growth spikes in the number of likes and followers these pages gained. Winter Storm Juno saw the largest growth for SBU Weather at that point, gaining over 100 likes in one day. January and February 2015 have seen a host of cold, biting wind, snow and freezing rain. The layers of snow grew until you could almost trace the dates of foul weather in the side of the snow like rings in a tree trunk. At the time of writing this article, it is cold outside, and SBU Weather warns it will get colder. There is the expectation for more snow. At this point, it’s unlikely anything will be called the “storm of the century.” 08

The Community College Conundrum Kyle Barr

ut of all the comments made during President Obama’s 2015 State of the Union address to a room full of clapping democrats and sneering Republicans, none were as polarizing as his announcement advocating for free community college. According to the U.S Census Bureau, the Stony Brook student community has more college experience than the average university, with 66.7 percent of the 5,345 residents of Stony Brook under the age of 24 having an associates degree or some college experience, while the greater New York region is at 45.9 percent and the U.S as a whole is at 45.5 percent in the same category. Those with experience in community college have had differing experiences relating to the variety of community colleges seeded among the different parts of New York. “I just assumed community college was a fast way to get my degree and go on to a four-year university,” said Stony Brook transfer student Laura Acosta. “I still feel the same way. It was kind of like being in high school again.” Acosta attended Queensborough Community College in Queens, getting the most of her tuition covered with financial aid. She likes the idea of free community college because of obvious financial reasons, also making reference to her sister that went straight to a four year university and is still paying off her debt three years later. Acosta saw it as more of a transitionary period: “I felt more independent, only because I was not in high school anymore. I had to be responsible for myself.” In 2012, according toDr. Braden Hosch, the assistant vice president of of the department of institutional research and development, 50 percent of transfer students came from Suffolk County Community College, Nassau County Community College and SUNY Farmingdale. Community colleges are notorious for having low graduation rates. For example Suffolk County Community College has a 34 percent graduation rate, while Nassau Community College is at 39 percent according to according to CollegeMeasures. Enrollment in two-year public college has gone down by about two percent according to the American Association of Community Colleges. Stony Brook transfer student Konrad Sieradzki graduated from Rockland Community College and went to Stony Brook as his first choice for college, citing it as much more of a research university compared to his other choices. “It was just kind of watered down,” Sieradzki said of

Rockland. “It was simpler, especially with the expectations that teachers had.” Sieradzki said that students could benefit from free community college, but there are several downsides. One he cited was one of his own problems trying, and usually failing, to transfer credits and classes, which forced him to retake classes he took in Rockland. Several states, like Tennessee and Oregon, have shown support for the plan by announcing their own free twoyear college plans. In comparison, the states’ plans are only available to people right out of high school and require full time participation, while the president’s plan will include nontraditional students such as adults and veterans trying to get back into school and will allow those enrolled part time students to get free tuition. Suffolk County Community College student and Student Government Senator Steven Curcio went into college with “solid C- grades” and came out near the end at a 3.9 GPA. With his tuition covered by Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), his main cost was sunk into textbooks at about $600 to $1000 per semester. “The experience was well worth the cost of the textbooks,” Curcio said. “It was one that I believe should be available to all who seek it.” The argument takes an interesting turn when taking in the real depth of the proposed intent. During President Obama’s State of the Union address he mentioned several key facts, such as two-thirds of job openings requiring some degree of higher education by 2020 and that those with degrees earn more money on average than those who don’t. The actual intent of the bill is to use community college as a springboard towards four-year college or a job, with the bill incentivizing occupational training classes. According to the White House Blog, the intent for the bill is to allow more opportunities for more people to attend community college, but also to give them work experience while they are there. “I was lucky to not have to pay tuition while at Suffolk County Community College. I would love for others to have the same opportunity that I did, the opportunity for a second chance,” Curcio said. “However, I fear that the experience won’t be the same for others if and when this takes hold, as the personal classroom experience will be lost.”

situation rather than the negative what-ifs. “It’s important to remind yourself not how bad the situation could be but if it goes badly what you can do to fix it,” he said. I talked to him on the phone and told him about my personal experiences with anxiety. He gave one more practice, a behavioral one, which helps others who are suffering. Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is a concept that allows the participant to gradually increase anxiety-provoking situations in order to slowly start to cope with whatever the anxiety begins to derive from. He said that with driving anxiety, someone like me should use that practice to slowly become comfortable again with being in a car after a traumatic experience. “Think of anxiety as the body’s or mind’s survival mechanism gone haywire,” Dr. Futtersak said. “Anxiety tries to protect us from what the mind thinks is threatening.” “If you understand what it is, then you realize it’s a fixable, treatable condition,” he added. “It starts with understanding what’s happening to you and learning to cope so you can bring down those symptoms.” Dr. Futtersak believes that with a little positivity and with the help of the coping skills, people suffering from anxiety can live happier lives. “As you gain confidence,” he began, “the symptoms will fade.”

IN BRIEF, MEDITATION: A PRACTICAL GUIDE Taylor Knoedl Meditation as a vague concept, to me, is an effective waste of time. You sit upright with an empty head and think nothing. This practice is far too contrary to my New York lifestyle to be anything viable for practical living. But when you hustle your life so hard that you don’t feel anything at all, you realize how useless you actually are without meditation. In this article, I present my humble and unprofessional testimonial experience with meditation and how it works for me. Maybe it can work for you too. At times in your natural life, you experience moments of serious feels. These feels can be defined as vividness in your human experience at a given time. The things you do and the way you feel are all in relation to each other and, when their combination is right, refers to something I refer to as being in your right mind. Scientists call it being mentally stimulated. These feels which occur are spontaneous—they’re fleeting. Maybe you had sex, or took heroin, or beat a lot of people at Smash Bros and are thus in a killer mood; until you’re not. To get back the feels, some may find it necessary to re-up on this stimulation junk in order to reelevate to a proper mood.

Behaving in such a way puts you at the mercy of your earthly desires. This can be difficult situation to handle, as earthly desires are a limited resource. At some point you will either run dry yourself or run dry your fellow human-kin. Either way, you’re not being fully self-reliant. Mindfulness, achieved through proper meditation, is a means of controlling this fluid state of comfortable thoughts. This is the point where I suggest you sit upright and begin to think comfortable thoughts to blow through your skull like a cavern with no people in it, not even yourself. It’s not as easy as that, of course, as meditation is a deliberate action which brings you into a state of spontaneity. It’s a natural tendency to encounter, whilst you sit in your effort to reach a meditative state, the ridiculous noise which attempts to quantify your life and keep you from silence. Dealing with this is something of a paradox; whereas you wish the nonsense of your troubles would stay quiet, it can be counterproductive to deliberate silence for the sake of itself. A basic Buddhist idea dating back to 150 A.D. states “Form is no different from emptiness, Emptiness no different from form.” Meditation in its proper definition can happen once you allow yourself to find vividness in your surroundings. Do this without forcing the process. When a wind of ideas blows through your quiet, cavernous skull, don’t shoo them away to opt for silence. But at the same time, don’t seek achievement with your meditative state and the thoughts it may bring. A central point to meditation is the idea of a center in itself. Focus on your breath, you will often be told. This is true, but focus is a difficult word to comprehend in this regard. What I’ve experienced is pulling yourself from your troubles and ideas and plans and all temporal things which make up your objective-based life. Focus on this process of pulling away from the noise. You have to try very hard for a brief moment to not be influenced by the things in your life. After this, cease the deliberate action and just perceive: ideas will float through your mind— do not disdain them, but do not betroth them either. Let them go, as new ones will come. Then when you’re not sitting quiet in your comfort, consider these concepts and apply them just as well. The physical act of mediation is just bringing you back to mindfulness. Be meditative all the time. As Jack Kerouac once advised to capable young thinkers: “you’re a Genius all of the time.” It’s just a matter of realizing this self-evident truth within yourself.

ANXIETY Julianne Mosher “I’m going to die in a car,” I would always think to myself after the crash. I saw it whenever I closed my eyes. It was a never-ending nightmare that was always on my mind. The crushed metal, the glass on the black pavement and the look on my mother’s face when she pulled her silver SUV onto the scene. “You’re lucky you didn’t die,” the Suffolk County cop said to me as I was pulled out of my black GMC Jimmy. The pickup truck across from me was flipped over. I was crying. I was 17 and had just gotten my license a few months before. There was a red bow on my rear view mirror, a symbolic gesture from my Italian mother to keep the devil and bad spirits away as I drove. The car accident wasn’t even my fault – I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. For years, I suffered from anxiety whenever I got into the driver’s seat of a car. Living on an island made up of highways and parkways, it was a terrible situation knowing that when I climbed into any car I was going to shake uncontrollably. My hands would get sweaty, my heart would beat as if I was on speed and I would hyperventilate. Thinking about driving would make me physically sick. I never really knew what anxiety actually was, let alone actually have it. It changed my life. Anxiety is not only a psychological condition but it has a physical component. When someone has an anxious feeling, they often experience tension in heightened form. They panic. “Anxiety refers to heightened muscle tension, difficulties in breathing, increased heart rate, headaches, stomachaches, racing thoughts or even blurred vision or lightheadedness and sweating,” Dr. William Futtersak PH.D, a clinical psychologist at LI Anxiety Care located in South Setauket, said. The Stony Brook graduate also noted the different psychological signs one may experience when suffering from the disorder.

“Psychological signs have more to do with the need to escape a situation,” he said. “Most of the time we escape by avoidance. We avoid situations that we usually go into but pull away from.” That being said, a student could suffer from anxiety when they start classes but begin to not go because they become anxious. They avoid going because they could be fearful of speaking in class, talking to a professor or peers or even asking questions aloud. “We have a feeling of discomfort physically and emotionally, anxiety makes us what to avoid the situation,” he said. However, just because someone is feeling anxious doesn’t necessarily mean they have the disorder that affects more than 40 million Americans. “It’s normal to feel a certain amount of anxiety in a challenging situation like a test or a date,” Dr. Futtersak said. “Anxiety becomes a disorder when it interferes with someone’s ability to cope or participate in activities or situations that are necessary as the person grows as a human being.” Dr. Futtersak said that there are several different things that people can do that can help alleviate the mental, physical and emotional strains that anxiety can cause. To calm the physical symptoms like tension, difficulty breathing and uncomfortable state of anxiety, a person may deal with it by learning how to calm their central nervous system. By learning practices like yoga, relaxation exercises and meditation, people can learn to control their bodies and relieve stress with deep breathing. Another way to cope with anxiety, Dr. Futtersak said, is to practice cognitive coping strategies , changing the way we think about situations we don’t want to think about. When people begin to narrate their thoughts in a negative way, they begin to exaggerate the stakes of a given situation. By practicing what Dr. Futtersak calls “positive self talk,” people can start to focus more on what they can do in a

ANOREXIA was diagnosed with acute anorexia in high school. I weighed around 70 pounds in middle school . Throughout most of high school, I was proud of being under 100 pounds. I’ve had this problem for years and even though I’m at a healthier place now, it’s still a pretty big problem for me to maintain a ‘normal’ weight. Most people who are diagnosed with anorexia limit how much they eat to maintain what they think is a perfect weight. It’s not the same as bulimia, which is characterized by binge eating and throwing up, but its more along the line of just not eating for days on end to feel better about yourself. That’s what I’ve had to deal with for the past seven years. I never really thought about my weight before middle school. It used to just be an afterthought. I’m a skinny kid and some kids aren’t. But when I got into middle school and started seeing people get bullied for being overweight, I felt that the only way to not be a victim was just to stay skinny. It started off pretty innocent, I would skip breakfast and lunch. My parents weren’t around for those meals so I didn’t really feel any pressure to eat. Dinner was a different story. It was pretty easy at first but as it got worse I’d have to force myself to eat a few bites and lie to my parents, “I had a big meal at lunch, sorry mom.” I’d feel lightheaded during gym and recess but it was worth it because I wasn’t getting picked on. The fat kids were. It wasn’t until late into high-school that I started seeing how stupid I’ve been. There wasn’t a giant life changing moment that made me decide to start eating regularly again. I just went to a high school that was a lot more accepting of all kinds of people and I just didn’t feel pressured to maintain a low weight so over time I just started to not care as much. I realized how much of an ass I’d been by judging overweight people and that I wasn’t better than

them just because I weighed less. Around 11th grade, I began forcing myself to eat, I thought brute force would be enough to make my body change. It worked, slowly, but in retrospect I probably should’ve seen a shrink. That’s another thing I’ve always worried about. Having this be a public thing. I probably should’ve mentioned this earlier, but I’m a guy. Anorexia holds a specific stigma for men who have it. Its a lot harder to be open about it because it’s considered a girly thing to be worried about weight. That’s why I’ve never really talked to a shrink. Even when I got diagnosed, me and my parents were happier just to ignore it for as long as we could. We still don’t talk much about it. That’s sort of one of the reasons I wrote this article. Anorexia is an issue that affects a lot of people, but it mostly affects women. There isn’t that much coverage for the small number of guys who have to deal with anorexia. It took me a long time to be okay with some of my friends knowing, and even now, most of my friends don’t know I had to and still have to deal with anorexia. Reading about how other guys got over it really helped me start feeling better about myself. There is no doubt that I still have issues with this, I’m still proud of being slightly below the average weight. I’m still proud of my weight in middle and high school, as if its something that makes me a better person. I can acknowledge it was a terribly unhealthy thing to do but I can’t get rid of that happy feeling I get when I think about seeing a double digit weight when I step onto a scale. It’s a lot easier for me to eat now and I’m maintaining a borderline average weight but I still get the feeling that I’m not good enough when I look in a mirror. There’s always that niggling thought saying things like “Is that a double chin?” and “You probably shouldn’t eat dinner tonight.” But it’s become something I can ignore now, or at least try to. 47

DEPRESSION

Depression. Spell it out, read it aloud. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-IO-N. It’s an ugly word, isn’t it? I thought I had reached my end. I thought that I was just on my way out. I was convinced that I was wasting my time. Why do anything, really? Why not take the dive? I wouldn’t have to worry about a future I wasn’t exactly sure about if I did that, wouldn’t have to worry about bettering myself or putting in work towards something productive. It was a sure fact that I’d never accomplish any dream I could remember having; there was no energy left in any of my muscles to put towards bettering myself or anything else-really, I’d have been avoiding a mess of trouble if I would have done it. Thinking about it was like fanning myself, a relief and a reminder that a powerful and delicate solution like that was right there, up a few steps and then down a few more. And how it easy it seemed! How obtainable! What a solution! The universal and ultimate solution! I’d never have to worry about anything again. Sorry, miss. You can send my skeleton to class, but I don’t think that he’ll learn much. For folks with depression, death ends up looking a little different than how many seem to perceive it. It’s a concept to most: something that can and will come one day, to think about in passing or occasionally recognize as a far-off and untouchable fact of life. They can look at it and think about it from behind a solid fence and dream about the life they’ll live before then. Death isn’t the goal of a depressed person, but it is a

solution with a solid, firm foundation that can’t fall out from beneath you. It’s convenient, it seems simple and easy, like something you’d go and pick up at the grocery store, and the most important factor is the certainty; big, dark nothing has got to be better than living miserably. The body gets fed up, the mind gets fed up; sadness mixes with frustration and one thing leads to another-- that’s a good way of putting it. It’s like a big, black ball that keeps on growing inside your skull. That ball will keep expanding and growing denser and denser and, well, what are you supposed to do about it? It’s all in your head. You can’t just take it out and give it a wash, or say a few nice words to it to appease its growth and get it to back off. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with that sort of growth, pushing down on all of the wrong spots that shouldn’t be messed with. That kind of pressure can lead you to something drastic, and there’s only so much a person can possibly take before they give out. It takes a lot, a warrior strength, to balance all that extra weight to carry. That kind of weight can lead you to the cliffs. A trip to smell the foam, hear the waves and try to be calm. An excuse to stand as close to the edge as you can. You could fall, sure. But y’know, why not fall? Why do anything, really? I never made it around to dying (obviously), but hearing about the folks who did always puts me in a strange way. I feel like comparing how close I came to what put them over, what finally got them to their decision. Makes me think: it’s scary. It’s scary just how easy it really is. -

ptsd among emergency responders W

ithin a matter of minutes after American Airlines Flight 11 crashed into the North Tower on Sept. 11, 2001, emergency crews were on the scene. Hundreds of FDNY firefighters, EMTs, NYPD and PAPD police officers were streaming towards the World Trade Center, evacuating people as they poured out of the towers. As civilians ran down the staircases, firefighters made their way up the stairs with nearly one hundred pounds of gear, tools and hoses to try to combat flames that were engulfing the upper floors. 102 minutes after being struck by flight 11, and 29 minutes after the South Tower collapsed, the North Tower fell. By noon a total of 2,977 people had been killed in New York City, Washington, DC and outside of Shanksville, Pennsylvania in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history. Years later, after the physical injuries healed, survivors faced symptoms of a new, more terrifying condition. The loss of so many friends and the continuous trauma that was 9/11 left many survivors with injuries that went deeper than skin and bone. Dr. Benjamin Luft, a founding physician of the Long Island World Trade Center Health Program, has been treating responders of the 9/11 attacks since the weeks following the attacks. “A group of us went down to Ground Zero and saw the massive response, but it also became apparent to us that there was a huge amount of toxins and that there was a lot of traumatization to those responding, by means of both physical and mental trauma,” Lust said. After returning to Long Island, Lust

and others created a free clinic to treat responders of the attacks. “We would see them regardless of their ability to pay. This was our way of responding to the attacks,” Lust remarked. Of the 8,000 responders that the Health Program tracks, Lust estimates that about 20% suffer from “significant psychological issues as a result of 9/11.” Numerous forms of psychological issues have been diagnosed, including: depression, severe anxiety and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is characterized by trouble sleeping, difficulty controlling anger, losing interest in activities, flashbacks, emotional numbness and/or other symptoms. If not treated, it can be debilitating. According to a 2010 report from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, PTSD “is the most common WTC-related health effect among exposed adults.” Traumatic stress among first responders is not isolated to 9/11. According to the Trauma Center at the Justice Resource Institute: “first responders are routinely exposed to traumatic events in the course of their duties. As such, they are at increased risk for long-term problems from traumatic stress.” In emergency services, especially the fire and emergency medical service(EMS), not only do responders have to deal with the same issues as society in general, but also the fact that they are exposed to events that involve trauma, death and loss on a regular basis throughout their career. These incidents can compound over time and can take a mental toll on a responder leading to what’s called burnout.

Joseph Ryder

Burnout can present symptoms similar to those of clinical depression and stem from chronic occupational stress and work overload. Especially in EMS, EMTs are constantly forced into stressful situations on a moment’s notice, often entering a person’s life at their lowest and most stressful moments. Being exposed to repeated stress such as this can lead to burnout if not managed properly. Psychological illness such as PTSD can go undiagnosed in professional responders. “In some ways the effects of traumatic stress can help a professional responder or soldier. While on the job, effects like hypervigilance can be a good thing,” Dr. Lust tells us. “Many times it isn’t until after a responder or soldier retires that that the symptoms become more pronounced. Hypervigilance is one thing on an emergency scene or battlefield but is something else at a backyard barbecue for instance. These people don’t go to the doctor for their insomnia or anger, they’ll attribute it to something benign, and it won’t be until they go to see a doctor and explain their symptoms that many will even realize they have PTSD.” One of the biggest successes that has stemmed from the Long Island World Trade Center Health Program is a mind/body program where those suffering from PTSD can learn to control their memories. “The responder’s memories don’t go away. 9/11 doesn’t go away,” Lust finished, “All we can do is help the responders and teach them to take charge of their memories, and by doing that, help them to heal.”

FEATURES The Saddest Day at Stony Brook? All of them. Michelle Karim

t has been five years since we were listed among the unhappiest. Stony Brook University earned a spot in the top 20 schools with the least happy students in a survey conducted by the Princeton Review. All of this was based on the question: “Are you happy here?” Stony Brook University’s current position is 11, but back in 2010 we were awarded with the number one spot. So the question is, what are we doing wrong? “Weekends on campus are depressing and that’s why I go home,” said Masukkuzzaman Alvi, a senior psychology major.. According to Alvi, who makes use of the Counseling and Psychological Services on campus, sometimes it takes about a week for the counselors to get back to the students. “By the end of the week, we might lose any motivation of going and some people don’t even want to admit that they have a problem later on.” However, Alvi added that he was patient throughout the process, and in the end it all worked out for the better when he was assigned a counselor. “It really helped me deal with my problems.” Despite their personal problems, a vast number of student issues have academic roots. Julian Pessier, Interim Associate Dean and Director for CAPS, said that the situation is a complex one. “I cannot stress how much the student’s opinions matter at the administration meetings and how best to solve them.” According to Pessier, around 1,700 students seek the counseling services at CAPS every year. “Most of the time, students come with problems relating to meeting academic requirements, adjusting to college and maintaining relationships.” Expanding on the topic of how the students meet their specific needs, Pessier said, “We help students organize a plan and try to understand what fits best for them.” At CAPS, Pessier says, the first meeting is devoted to understanding the student’s needs and then the following week is assigned to finding him or her the perfect counselor. In a recent student conference, Stony Brook University President

Samuel L. Stanley Jr., said that he is “always a little skeptical” about ratings like these. “In case of unhappy students, this is where the students’ feedback matters.” “Stony Brook is a very demanding school academically, sometimes more than other places,” Stanley explained. “That’s why the college system is there-to build more cohorts; so we are working really hard on these things.” Stanley also added that any suggestions for improvement is welcome from the student community. Assistant Professor in the School of Medicine Dr. David T. Hsu, Ph. D, studies social acceptance in groups. His recent findings shed light on how differently people react to rejection when they are depressed versus when they’re relatively happy. In this study, the subjects were exposed to a mock dating site and were asked to vote for people they like most while their brains were being scanned in a positron emission tomography (PET) scan. Dr. Hsu then compared the scans of depressed people who were rejected by the profiles they liked most and the happy subjects who got rejected by the profiles they liked most. The brain’s pain-response mechanism, called the opioid system, was observed and it was found that depressed people release less opioids in regions where mood, motivation and stress are regulated. “Of course everyone responds differently to their social environment,” Hsu said. “To understand who is most affected by social stressors, it is important to investigate the influence of genes, personality and the environment’s ability to release opioids during rejection and acceptance.” It is difficult to pinpoint exactly where the problem is, but this research could be a stepping stone to observing how often students on campus feel rejected, and then build a solution from there. “The ultimate question is- what is the cause and effect?,” said Hsu. When asked about what she thought about the school’s ranking, senior Pharmacology major, Wai Ng, said that she wasn’t too surprised about the outcome. “Most people just go home on weekends. I usually

work on campus but if I can, I go off campus.” According to Ng, science classes tend to be more competitive, the lectures are large and it’s hard to get in touch with the professors who teach them , most of the time. “So many students are packed into one lecture hall.” The Princeton Review also revealed Stony Brook University is ranked fifth in professors giving low marks and 12th in least accessible professors. Another aspect of this murky situation is the fact that a lot of students turn to anonymous outlets like Yik Yak or the Stony Brook Secrets Facebook page to vent their frustrations and even go so far as to discuss extreme options. “We do have a group therapy program where about ten to twelve students meet with a counselor on a regular basis and talk their problems through,” Julian Pessier explained, when asked about how students discuss their issues in a comfortable setting. For serious cases, the school has an emergency hotline that leads to the Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program, at the University Hospital. “We try to work with the students as best as possible with all the resources we have,” Pessier added, saying that the CPEP is contacted only in case of dire emergencies for evaluating severe medical conditions. “This is a highly unusual situation. The suburb is not as integrated with the University compared to other state universities, said Pessier . This perhaps sets another dimension to the situation— the location of our school. However, President Stanley insists that the administration and the student government are working very hard trying to create a happy environment on campus. “Students have access to clubs, groups and events on campus, all of which can bring cohesion and a sense of identity and help in navigating college.” The entire situation about depression and how to battle it is a looming foreground that beckons our attention. As Mr. Pessier puts it, “Stony Brook is many things at once,” and it remains to be seen what we as a community can do about it.

EDITORIAL

WHEN LIFE HITS YOU RIGHT IN THE FEELS

Stony Brook has a reputation as being one of the top SUNY schools and one of the top research institutions in the country. But according to a recent survey from the Princeton Review, Stony Brook University also has a reputation for general unhappiness. That unhappiness has taken a fatal toll on at least three students in the past two years with the most recent death happening less than a week into this spring semester. Mental health is not the easiest thing to care for, especially when a young person finds themself thrown into a fast-paced, competitive environment with tight schedules and ever-impending deadlines. In a round table discussion with members of the student media, university President Samuel L. Stanley Jr. discussed the services available to students on campus for dealing with issues of mental distress. “There really are a number of pathways where people can get help on the campus,” said Stanley. When the university’s response to a suicide on campus is an email and then a stretch of silence, it raises the question of whether or not the administration is trained to deal with taboo topics of depression, anxiety and with death. The trials and tribulations of our lives can be overwhelming. When things in our lives go wrong, we may react negatively. We establish a vicious cycle of emotional pain that sends us into a downward plummet. Like a snake biting its own tail, we become hurt, then hurt ourselves more by identifying with the pain. Bad things become perceived as a bad us.

As a student of a University that is regarded with some academic prestige, this sort of reaction is regular. Life finds a way of being bad no matter the circumstance. Us humans are ridiculous and like to find ways to best make ourselves miserable. Don’t do that. The Stony Brook Press took these thoughts into consideration and decided to make our issue dedicated to students on campus who are feeling down. We wrote from personal experiences to show our colleagues that they are not alone. We are publishing different angles on the topic of emotional trouble which will hopefully bring everyone some good vibes. While we are not psychiatrists, we are still students. Members of The Press have gone through our own share of problems. While we can’t treat emotional problems, we can offer consolation. As an organization, the Stony Brook Press wishes to offer the campus community a sense of solidarity against the mental troubles we may mutually face. Suffering of the mind is a relatively regular thing in the human experience. As such, our Feels Issue is intended to offer some perspective of our own experiences in the voids of sadness, the oblivion of self doubt, loathing of personal image, dread of anxiety. We hope to provide ideas to help you be better for yourself as well. What we wish for you all, readers, is the best. Keep on keepin’ on, Stony Brook. You got dis.

STONY BROOK

CONTENTS

FEATURES

Bad Feels Brook Stony Brook ranked one of the least happy universities in the country.

EMTs and PTSD Little focus is placed on the tribulations of the more domestic side of the trauma battle.

The Real Struggle Skin n’ Bones Unexpected Car Troubles l2Chillax Scrub

03 04 05 06

CULTURE BIONICLE Nostalgia A Secret to Everyone The Moon is Trying to Kill You Don’t look broke. Sexxxy Stress Relief from D. Sit down. Drank. Read. Drank. Fly Man Cometh

09 10 11 13 15 16 17

Community College for All? - Implications of President Obama’s proposal to proliferate the highly educated.

Watch the Skies with SB Weather A crew of student meteorologists track the weather from ESS.

OPINION What about that min. wage? A Matter of Perspective MetroCard no More Fresh off the Primetime

SPORTS

18 19 20 21

22 23

NHL Arguments New York Baseball

STAFF ALICIA BERMUDEZ CARLOS CARDONIGA JAMES GROTTOLE DEMI GUO DAKOTA JORDAN MICHELLE KARIM

JAKE LATREILLE SHAN LIN JESSICA OPATICH LISA SETYON-ORTENZIO TSVETAN PANOV CHRIS PRIORE

RONNY REYES YOU

Cover by Kat Gu Graphics by Yuka Saijo, Ian Schafer, Charlie Spitzner and Holly Lavelli

THE STONY BROOK PRESS ROOM 236, STUDENT UNION SUNY AT STONY BROOK STONY BROOK, NY 11794 EMAIL: EDITORS@SBPRESS.COM

VOLUME XXXVI ISSUE 5

MARCH 2015