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Newsroom Pranks
If thirty-five years in radio broadcasting didn’t teach me anything else, I sure learned how to pull pranks and practical jokes. There is a code of ethics in pranking; it’s only funny if no one gets hurt, and if you’re going to dish it out – you have to be able to take it, as well. Mark Denny was our news man at that time. He was a nice guy; well informed, polite, and maybe a little bit bashful in those days. Mark was a bachelor, and I used to give him a bad time for eating out every day. “Don’t you ever eat at home?”
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“Nope,” Mark replied, taking a bite of his sandwich, “Only if all the restaurants are closed.” Our FM studio and newsroom were separated by a large glass window, double paned to keep sound from transferring. Mark had just finished reading the eighto-clock news. Bill Bishop was our morning announcer at the time. After the news, I would join Bill from the newsroom desk for our “Morning Show.” The morning show in those days only ran twenty-five minutes. I had a large coffee mug that I made in a ceramics class. It was white with a black lightning bolt on the side. It read, “Mr. Cool,” from the Snoopy cartoons. But I messed up when I painted the cup. Snoopy’s character was “Joe Cool.” Not Mr. Cool. I filled the cup with java, but forgot it by the coffee machine. No problem, I needed to run to my office for some show material, and grabbed the cup while I was there. As I (Just the Other Day cont’d on pg 5)
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on their migratory route, I am sure they have not seen cold weather like Spring is Finally this. While we relaxing on the Here, Maybe were porch, my wife thought she heard an oriole With it being eighty singing. A short time degrees one day and snowing the next, it has later, I was fairly certain been hard to decide if spring would ever get here or if we were going to go straight from winter to summer and skip the whole thing. Some typical signs of spring have not been reliable this year. Usually, it gets warm and stays warm when the buzI heard the unmistakzards return. This has able whirring of a humnot been the case this mingbird’s wings. Later, year. A few turkey vultures were soaring high while looking online, my wife saw posts from on the warm thermals a few reliable sources above the timber one eighty degree day and that yes indeed, orioles and hummingbirds had huddled against the both returned from the driving snow the next. south. We promptly Buzzards do not norfilled the oriole feeder mally look like happy with grape jelly and put birds, but these guys looked miserable. Hav- out a couple of hummingbird feeders with ing just returned north
sugar water. I am not sure why orioles like grape jelly, but when they find a steady source of it, they will hang around all summer. Hummingbirds need sugar water to maintain their high metabolic rates, especially
one gobbles from the roost shortly before daylight, a wave of gobbles can be heard reverberating down the valley. If it is snowing and cold, they do not say anything. It seems they are like people. If the weather is miserable, they would rather stay in bed or in the case of the turkeys, stay on their roosts. They fly down much later and seem to grouch around, complaining about the weather. On a warm sunny morning, they are gobbling from every direction. on cooler days. So far, For some we have not seen any reason, this early takers at the feeders, morning gobbling anbut we are prepared. If noys Jag, our terrier. a person does not have He is an old dog and the food source out for has heard this mornthem, chances are they ing ritual for all his life. will move on and will This is the first year he probably not return. seems to be bothered In the early by this. If he is outside morning, on nice days, when the gobbling the Tom turkeys are starts, he immediately gobbling, calling their runs toward the sound, harems together. When barking. Another turkey
APRIL 27, 2022
in a different direction will answer the first and Jag will run in that direction barking at it. This routine continues until the gobbling slows down mid-morning or I lock up the little dog. I have found if I do not want to get up before dawn, I must put Jag in the garage the night before. Spring is known as the season of change. We have certainly had changes this year. From one day to the next, a person does not know whether to wear a T-shirt or get out the winter coat. I think the wildlife has been as confused as us humans. Birds do not know if they should ride out a few cold days or give up and migrate south again. If we have patience, spring will get here eventually, maybe. If not, we can go straight into summer and we can start complaining about the heat.
APRIL 27, 2022
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Warrant Wednesday
Wapello County has over 500 active warrants. Warrant Wednesday’s are designed to help law enforcement locate wanted persons, with the public’s help. Do NOT attempt to apprehend these individuals. Instead, call the Ottumwa Police Department at (641) 683-0661 or Wapello County Sheriff ’s Department at (641) 684-4350 if you have any information on their whereabouts. Your tips can be made anonymously.
Name: Devon Joseph Danger DOB: 07/19/1999 Warrant Issued: 04/20/2022 Warrant Details: Failure to Appear Original Charge: OWI 3rd Offense
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APRIL 27, 2022
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(Just the Other Day con’t from nose, all over my papers pg 1) in front of me. I could no
was coming back, Bill started the bumper music for the Morning Show, and I took my seat in the newsroom. I adjusted the microphone and was ready to go. Bill opened the show, “Good morning, everyone…”
longer contain the pressure. A cough and sneeze happened simultaneously. Coffee projected from my face, all over the glass window in front of me.
inside Mark’s desk drawer and grabbed some napkins.
Mark always had a stash of napkins, plastic tableware, and straws; packets of salt and pepper, parmesan cheese and hot peppers. There was catsup, On the other side of the mustard, and mayo; taco, glass, Bill and Mark nearly BBQ, soy sauce, sweet died, rolling with laughter. and sour sauce, and every Bill and I shared a little Mark literally had tears roll- condiment you can imagchit chat, then he rolled ing down his cheeks from ine, in his desk drawer. I into the first story. By now, behind his glasses. I had think there may have even my coffee had time to cool been wondering why Mark been an old hamburger in a bit. I could tell from the was hanging out in the FM there. “A man never knows feel of my coffee cup, the studio with Bill. when they’ll forget to put beverage was the perfect something in your bag at temperature. I took a good The window, the desk, my the drive-up,” Mark would size gulp of coffee. HOLY face and shirt were all cov- reason. With a wad of napTHUNDER BUCKETS! ered with a brown spray. It kins, I attempted to clean WHAT IS THIS? was a mess! After a raging my shirt, the window and fit of coughing, and trying to desktop. There was so much salt in clear coffee from my airway, my coffee, my mouth was I told Bill we needed to take Now this was a good prank; burning. At the same time, a break. Through his laugh- no one got hurt and the I nearly gagged on the ter, he said, “Well, Tom, coffee stains would probsickening amount of sugar we’re not scheduled to take ably come out of my shirt in that was added into the a break yet.” He and Mark the laundry. Bill adamantly mix. I desperately needed shared more laughter. Fiswore he had nothing to to cough, but couldn’t with nally, Bill announced, “We’ll do with it. “So, this was all the liquid in my mouth. be right back after these you, Mark?” Mark was too important messages.” innocent to pull a prank on There was no time to hit anyone, let alone his boss. the “cough button” that Bill and Mark came to the would have cut off my mic. I newsroom, still laughing. Mark tried to compose himpressed my lips together as “What’s the problem in self, then said in a dry tone tight as I could. Unsuccesshere,” Bill asked with inof voice, “I thought that was fully trying to suppress the nocent curiosity? I reached funny. Don’t you think that cough, coffee shot out my was funny Mr. Palen.” “It was a riot,” I said, dabbing coffee off my shirt. “Now go rinse out my cup and get me a fresh cup of coffee; hold the sugar and salt this time.” Mark refused. “It’s not in my job description to wait on you, or go get your coffee.” “It’s not in you job description to sabotage my coffee either,” I told him. “Now come on, we have to get back on the air, go get me a cup of coffee.” Mark refused, “Why should I go get your coffee?” “Because you ruined my coffee,” I justified. Mark still refused, claiming I had no proof that he did it; at least no proof that would hold up in court. However, Mark was willing to negotiate, “If I go refill your cup, will you buy a Mountain Dew for me?” “No, I’m not going to buy you a bottle of pop. I didn’t do anything to your Dew.” Mark stood firm on his decision. (Just the Other Day con’t on pg 6)
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APRIL 27, 2022
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(Just the Other Day con’t from pens all the time.” pg 5)
Anyone who has ever worked in radio, knows the importance of having a beverage with you when you’re on the air. “Fine,” I said. “I’ll get my own coffee,” then reminded Mark, “But remember what they say about paybacks!”
Bill reassured him, “No, it’s real. I checked it out. The fire started in the basement and has already spread to the third floor. The whole building has been evacuated. I’ll have the equipment ready when you wrap up.”
Mark quickly closed the Buy, Sell and Trade show. Bill met him in the stuI went to the back of builddio doorway with the cell ing, and got a fresh cup of coffee. I noticed more than phone. (An original Motorola bag phone.) “Get going a dozen empty salt and man, we’ll simulcast your sugar packets in the trash can. I looked a little closer, reports on both stations.” Mark, took the phone, ran “He put five packs of soy to the newsroom for keys, sauce in my coffee, too?” then out the front door, Revenge would be mine. taking the twenty-seven The morning show ended at steps down, two or three at a time. Bill and I ran to the eight-thirty, the same time FM studio to watch out the Mark had to be on the AM station to host the Buy, Sell, front window. and Trade Show. With only thirty minutes to orchestrate Mark’s truck was parked right outside the front door; my own gag, I had to work a bronze-colored Nissan fast, and that I did. pickup with a topper on the back. Mark jumped in With just a few minutes left in the show, Bill rushed the truck and started the engine. We could hear into the AM studio, giving him revving his motor, and Mark the time out signal. Mark started a commercial. slipping the clutch, but his “Don’t waste anytime wrap- truck wouldn’t move. He ping up the show,” Bill said. tried in reverse; no luck. He stepped out of the truck for “There’s a fire at the high school and you need to get a moment, then got back in up there right away to cover and tried again. Still nothing. it.” Mark dismissed the incident, “It’s probably just some smart aleck kid that pulled a fire alarm. It hap-
An elderly lady was watching the spectacle from across the street. Trying to be helpful, she pointed
to the back of his truck. We could easily read her lips as she said, “There’s something under your back wheels.” Mark stepped out to the middle of Main Street, bent down and looked under his truck. He stood up, looking up to the FM studio window where Bill and I (along with the rest of the staff) were watching and busting up laughing. Mark just shook his head. I smiled as I held up my Mr. Cool coffee cup in my right hand, and pointed to it with my left index finger.
ten to five.
my next paycheck.
The following morning, Mark’s truck was off the stands, and parked on the other side of Main Street. I suppose he parked there to keep watch on his truck in case another vandal, or prankster should return.
When I went in to pay Gary, he asked, “What about the floor jack?” He said Mark had borrowed a two-hundred-dollar floor jack to get his truck off the stands, but never returned the jack.
The jokes had ended, or so I thought. Later that day I asked Mark for the jack stands. “Jack stands,” he replied innocently, “What jack stands?” “Come on Mark,” I explained, “I have to return those to Goodyear.”
Mark came back upstairs. “Very funny, Mr. Palen. Now Mark insisted, “I have no knowledge of any jack go take my truck off those stands, but if you buy a jack stands.” Mountain Dew for me, I might do some investigative I could only remind Mark, work to see if I can help you “You don’t have any proof locate your jack stands.” that I did it – at least no proof that will hold up “Never,” I declared! in court.” I smiled with a vengeful, ornery grin. Then offered, “I’ll take your truck A few days later, I asked Mark again for the jack off the jack stands if you’ll go get me a cup of coffee.” stands. Once again, he Mark refused, and so did I. denied knowing their whereabouts, then asked if I wanted to buy a bottle Mark’s truck sat on the of pop for him. I went to street all day. Marge the meter-maid, started putting Goodyear, confessing to Gary that I wasn’t going parking tickets under his to get the equipment back windshield wiper at ten-oclock; adding another ticket that I had borrowed for the prank. These were comevery hour until five-pm. mercial grade jack stands, The next morning, Mark’s that cost a hundred bucks a truck was still there on the set. I told Gary I would pay jack stands, drawing another ticket each hour from for the jack stands out of
“Man, this prank is getting expensive.” I said, then told Gary I would pay for the floor jack from my next two paychecks. “I would rather buy a new floor jack for you, than to cave in and buy Mark a twenty-five-cent bottle of pop. Gary started laughing as he handed my check back to me. “Mark brought the floor jack and stands back the same day he borrowed them,” Gary admitted. “He asked me to play along with it to see you squirm.” Hmm. The next morning, Mark and I called for a truce. I bought a Mountain Dew for him, and he brought me a cup of coffee. I took a skeptical sip of the coffee. “Just as I suspected,” I said, “That rat fink salted my coffee again!” From the AM studio, I heard Mark coughing, “What the heck? Palen!” As if Mountain Dew didn’t already have enough sugar.