Holl & Lane, Issue 9 Preview (Mystery)

HOLL AND LANE C REAT E B EAUT IF UL CO NVERSAT IO NS

I SS U E 09

TEAM SARAH HARTLEY Creator / Editor in Chief sarahhartley.net editor@hollandlanemag.com MIA SUTTON Editorial Manager thechroniclesofchaos.com stories@hollandlanemag.com JESS DOWNEY Social Media Manager chaoticandcollected.com ALLISON ANTRAM Editorial Intern instagram.com/allisonantram AMY BENNETT Editorial Intern abigailamira.com MADDIE LOKENSGARD Social Media Intern instagram.com/maddielokensgard

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CONTACT For press and advertising inquiries, contact editor@hollandlanemag.com For contributions, visit hollandlanemag.com/contribute For stockists, contact editor@hollandlanemag.com

ABOUT We are more than a magazine; we are a community of women that share our hearts with boldness.

We seek inspiration and encouragement in the big stories and the little details, and together we create home and add flavor to everyday life.

SOCIAL

L instagram.com/hollandlanemag I facebook.com/hollandlanemag J twitter.com/hollandlanemag M pinterest.com/hollandlanemag

HOLL AND LANE

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INSIDE HOLL & LANE, ISSUE 09 HOME 11 14 18 22 26

HOW TO: MAKE A SMALL LIVING ROOM SEEM LARGER A PLACE FOR ART HOW TO: HOST A KILLER PARTY DESIGNED TO INSPIRE MY COZY APARTMENT

KITCHEN

33 CACAO BUCKWHEAT MOUSSE 34 HUMMUS 36 STEWED TOMATO & KALE BRUSCHETTA 38 ONE POT CHICKEN THIGHS 40 TIRAMISU MILLE CREPE CAKE 42 LAVENDER PROFITEROLES

LIFE 45 46 48 52 56 60 64 70 74 76

THE SHORE THE MAY TO HIS DECEMBER I DON’T WANT KIDS THE BRAIN FREEFALL THE SILENT HEROES MY BROTHER HAS CANCER PHOTO PROJECT: I SLEEP, I DREAM THE GIFT OF TRAVELING LIGHT IS TRAVELING FAR LIQUID GOLD POSTCARDS FROM: IRELAND

IN EVERY ISSUE 6 7 8 9 80 82 84 85

EDITOR’S NOTE H&L GIRL THE LIST THE STORY BEHIND THE SONG REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS H&L PHOTOGRAPHERS ISSUE 09 CONTRIBUTORS 5 MINUTES WITH...

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EDITOR’S LETTER WHEN I FIRST BEGAN Holl & Lane, I wasn’t sure if people would be willing to share the most vulnerable parts of their lives with me. The stories that can be hard to say out loud, how would I get people to open up wtih me? Would I have anyone who wanted to be vocal?

But from the very first issue, people have surprised me with their strength in sharing the non-glamorous parts of their lives. With every single issue, I’m amazed at the stories that pour out of our contributors. I’m amazed by their resilience, their determination, and their vulnerability.

This issue is all about strength. The strength to overcome.

The strength to inspire. The strength to keep going when it feels like you have nothing left. The strength to chase dreams.

It is my hope that as you read through each article in this issue that you feel it, too - the strength of our writers, and your own strength. You have it inside just waiting to burst out of you when you need it most. I can’t wait to see it happen.

Sarah Hartley Editor in Chief

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CHARACTER CANNOT BE DEVELOPED IN EASE AND QUIET. ONLY THROUGH EXPERIENCE OF TRIAL AND SUFFERING CAN THE SOUL BE STRENGTHENED, AMBITION INSPIRED, AND SUCCESS ACHIEVED. - HELEN KELLER

The Holl & Lane Girl

ANNA KING The H&L Girl Is: Creative, smart and capable, she is strong and uses her passions to help others. She enjoys being a part of something bigger than herself. She is innovative and professional but knows how to have a good time. The H&L Girl is modern, genuine and brave.

GROWING UP IN Northern Minnesota, Anna King had a very happy childhood with her parents and one sister. But at 20, everything changed. She became a “medical mystery” to her doctors when her undiagnosed chronic illness began to rear its ugly head. Throughout the four year battle, she began to feel very alone in her struggles with no one to talk to or understand what her dark situation was like.

Learning that one in five people battle a chronic illness (and thousands more remain undiagnosed), Anna set out to create a community that would provide resources and positivity for those who may have otherwise lost hope. This community is called People Hope.

Anna’s passion for this community shines through in each step of the process. She seeks to create the community that she didn’t have but desperately needed throughout her battle. She seeks to prove that you don’t have to feel alone. As Anna says, “Our goal is to reach the global chronically ill community with resources of hope that equip and empower them mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually to live with purpose and grace through extraordinarily trying times. As we like to say at People Hope, “Define your Darkest Day as Your Finest Hour.™” Success, In Her Words: Success is choosing hope and living with purpose that is resolved and unable to be shaken by even our darkest days. True success isn’t involved or entangled in our daily accomplishment of tasks so much as it’s wrapped up in who we are and who we’re becoming. Are we allowing God to make us into who we’re designed and called to be? Are we loving people well and operating out of a place of intention in all that we say and do? Those are the benchmarks of success in my book.

Find out more about People Hope by visiting peoplehope.org.

INTERVIEW BY SARAH HARTLEY // WORDS & IMAGES PROVIDED BY ANNA KING

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THE LIST : STRENGTH On Our Bookshelf

On Our Playlist

WORDS BY AMY COOK

WORDS BY MICAH CHAPLIN

WILD

by Cheryl Strayed What would it take to completely reinvent yourself ?

For Cheryl Strayed, hiking the Pacific Crest Trail after the death of her mom and her marriage seemed like the best way to lose herself. What she ended up finding is an inner strength she didn’t realize she had and a determination that may have you wanting to purchase some hiking boots for your own selfdiscovery.

A MOTHER’S RECKONING: LIVING IN THE AFTERMATH OF TRAGEDY

by Sue Klebold What would you do if your youngest child committed suicide? What if he committed suicide after killing several classmates in one of the most notorious school shootings in America? Sue Klebold allows us a peek inside her mind and heart as she retells what it is like to have raised one of the Columbine Killers.

THE LIFE WE BURY

by Allen Eskens This novel grabs you from the first chapter and keeps you guessing until the end. A college student is given the task of writing a biography on someone and he lands on Carl, a rapist-murder who has been granted a medical parole due to cancer. Joe finds himself at the center of Carl’s life as he decides he is only going to write the truth, no matter where it leads him.

When he becomes the next target, Joe will stop at nothing to prove Carl’s innocence before it’s too late.

“FIGHT SONG” RACHEL PLATTEN “LEGENDARY” WELSHLY ARMS “FIGHTER” CHRISTINA AGUILERA “LITTLE BLACK DRESS” SARA BAREILLES “TITANIUM” DAVID GUETTA FEAT. SIA “SKYSCRAPER” DEMI LOVATO “TRY” P!NK “GET IT” DAPHNE WILLIS “OVERCOME” TYRONE WELLS “STRONGER” BRITNEY SPEARS

On Our Screen

WORDS BY ERICA MUSYT

BRAVE Merida is the courageous daughter of Fergus, the Scottish King. As a skilled archer, Merida yearns to create her own path in life. When the time comes for her marriage to be arranged to a Highlandman, Merida seeks out an eccentric witch to help her in her quest for independence. When her wish is granted a curse is cast and Merida will need to learn the true meaning of courage before it’s too late.

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GONE WITH THE WIND This classic drama traces the life of Scarlett O’Hara as she survives the tragic history of the South during the Civil War and Reconstruction.

Scarlett O’Hara is the epitome of strength and courage as we see her grab life with full force.

ERIN BROCKOVICH After a car accident for which Erin is not at fault, she pleads with her attorney to hire her at his law firm.

Erin comes across medical records that had been placed in real estate files. She convinces Ed to allow her to investigate. Erin soon discovers a cover up involving a local community and the tragic illness that is being brought to several families. Through strength and determination, Erin is able to bring justice for many.

THE STORY BEHIND THE SONG WITH:

EMILY ZECK

What was the inspiration behind your song, "Pacific Blue"?

At the time, I was absolutely head over heels for this surfer who constantly traveled the world.

A week before this song was written, he hopped on a plane to Bali for two months. Long story short, we had some big plans for the future and I missed him dearly.

"Pacific Blue" has already reached over 1 million plays on Spotify. Why do you think the song resonates with your fans?

Everybody has missed somebody at some point in time. I think this song resonates with my listeners on many different levels.

Whether they’re enjoying it as a beachy escape, something to relate to their current emotions, or something to listen to in order to reminisce on happy moments, this song can pretty much serve whatever purpose its listener prefers. That’s the beauty of music. We experience everything completely uniquely.

How would you describe your music to someone who hasn't heard it before?

Organic pop dipped in salt water and rolled in sand.

DISCOVERED IN EARLY 2015, Emily Zeck burst onto the scene being named one of the Top Ten Cover Singers to Follow on Instagram by People.com. Her first single, Pacific Blue, quickly reached over one million listens on Spotify. Likened to a female Jack Johnson, her playful music is both engaging and fun.With her first EP released on July 8th of 2016, we talked with Emily about the meaning behind her hit song, Pacific Blue.

INTERVIEW BY MIA SUTTON // WORDS BY EMILY ZECK

If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be?

Why? Definitely Jack Johnson. He’s been one of my favorite musicians since I was running around in diapers dancing to “Bubble Toes”.

On social media, you're known as "That Pineapple Girl" and in "Pacific Blue" pineapples get a shout out in the lyrics. Why pineapples?

Why not pineapples? Everything about them is warm and tropical and inviting. They’re practically the role model of all fruits!

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HOW TO:

Make a Small Living Room Seem Larger One of the biggest interior concerns that we face is how best to make a small room feel like a gigantic one. Take note of these eight tips and your small home will suddenly feel like a mansion.

WORDS BY BARBARA TOWN // IMAGES BY BROOKE TAELOR

RUG PLACEMENT Make sure your rug is half way under all your furniture (this means back legs off, front legs on). Not only does it create a cozy environment it makes everything feel proportional to one another and in turn the scale of the room will feel larger. Stay away from busy prints or patterns that draw too much attention, this can have an opposite effect and overwhelm the space.

NOT SO TYPICAL LAYOUT Most small spaces are in high traffic areas or the center of your home or apartment. The number one mistake people make is shoving all their furniture up against the walls, don’t be afraid to float your furniture in unlikely places and try different chair, sofa, table and TV combinations. Keep in mind, you want to make the room feel balanced as well as a functional seating arrangement.

LESS = MORE Don’t fill the space with furnitureless is always more when it comes to small spaces. Filling all your wall space with tall cabinets or shelves will make the space feel closed off and heavy. This often happens when people bring furnishings from a previous space into the new one.

Try and keep things light and airy when selecting furniture pieces and remember that not every corner needs to have a furniture piece.

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WHITE DONE RIGHT Choosing cooler paint colors will instantly make a room look larger. Soft and pale colors reflect light, making a small space look bigger. It is always helpful for your main furniture pieces to be a soft neutral as well. You can bring in color and texture with decorative pillows, artwork and accessories.

LAY LOW Lower furniture will complement the size of the room. A pair of low chairs allows an uninterrupted view through the room while providing a seating arrangement great for entertaining guests. This makes the room feel taller, no matter your ceiling heights and the overall space feel larger.

FRAME THE WINDOWS Emphasize the height of the room. Hang drapery close to the ceiling and let them fall all the way to the floor. This also makes the window space feel larger as it draws the eye upward. Drapery is a fun place to bring in a pattern and some color into the room. It adds that extra layer of softness and really pulls everything together.

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DOUBLE DUTY In smaller spaces, storage is a major priority. While it is important to keep pieces open and airy to keep things feeling bigger, using an ottoman or coffee table that can open up for storage or re-thinking your media cabinet are great places for multifunctional use. These can also be done with decorative baskets or displaying a magazine collection, not all storage has to be hidden. Think outside the box!

GET CREATIVE Looking at inspiration photos is easy, but really looking at your space and finding items that would work well is important.

Don’t do the most convenient or even the cheapest option, do what will give your tiny living room the most life! Sometimes it takes moving your furniture around a few times to find what really maximizes seating and space. Don’t be afraid to try something new and not so ordinary. &

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A PLACE FOR

ART WORDS & IMAGES BY LAURA DEBERLE

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MY STUDIO IS my favorite place, it's the space where all my passions come together.

From paintings and manual collages on canvas to digital artworks, photography and interior design - it's the ultimate venue of my very personal freedom of expression.

I just love to spend time there and lose myself in my works and projects, to simply play around and expand myself within the process of creation.

In my experience, playing is a major aspect of art - no judging, no restriction, just floating.

It's about being present in the very moment with all your heart, not caring about any rules or opinions or how the result could turn out.

Therefore I use my studio as a playground. As I love to contrast minimalism with overload within my artworks, I think I intuitively designed my studio the same way. The interior design is based on a mixture of clear shapes and intense colors and pattern: dark wooden furniture, colorful prints and canvas on white walls, single chromatic chairs and huge green plants. The aesthetic of majestic plants in combination with colorful design elements and minimalistic aspects inspires me every day anew as I'm fascinated by the lively interplay of colors and shapes and the feeling it creates inside of me. As I just moved into my studio at the beginning of this year it is still growing, changing, evolving; I'm really excited about what else will arise within those walls the next months and years. &

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how to host a killer party WORDS & IMAGES BY JANICE LOMBARDI

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GUESTS The first and most essential piece of any dinner party is the guests! Start by making a list of who will attend. Once you’ve set the list, you’ll need to send out an invite with the particulars. The invite should let your guest know what time the event starts and ends, when cocktails will be served and what time dinner will begin, as well as other pertinent information including the address, directions, and contact information so your guests can let you know if they plan to come.

DINNER TIME Make sure the table is dressed properly, suiting the theme and environment you’re trying to create. Consider creating assigned seating with nice place cards directing guests to their seats. I really love this for its personal touch - it makes guests feel like you’ve given each of them special attention. It’s also a great way to match up guests who might not otherwise meet.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? FOOD When it comes to dinner, start with a salad.

A few entrée options will be adequate so the guests are not overwhelmed by the options but still have a choice. Always take into consideration that some guests may not eat meat or fish: consider having a meat option and something vegetarian.

And of course everyone loves a delicious dessert!

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE SETTING THE MOOD One of the cornerstones of hosting is setting the right ambience. For example, consider rearranging furniture to create pockets of space for small groups to gather and have conversations away from the dinner table. Adding fresh flowers and candles can make those areas very welcoming.

GREETING GUESTS Greeting your guests at the door with a welcoming smile, or even a cocktail, is a great way to start the function with the right tone. It is also very polite and good etiquette to show your guests where the kitchen, bathroom, and bar area are so they can feel more at home. If it’s a cold night and your guests have jackets or umbrellas, let them know where they can leave their belongings or offer to take them.

SOCIALIZING Make sure everyone has drinks in their hands (not too many of course, but enough to set the mood). Be sure not to play bartender; have a designated area where guests can self-serve cocktails at their leisure. Also consider offering some light snacks while your guests socialize, like cheese and crackers or chips.

MUSIC Music selection is the key for setting the ambience. Depending on the guest list and the theme of the party you will have to select what playlist is fitting.

You might choose livelier music before or after dinner and something a little quieter during dinner, so it doesn’t overwhelm the conversations. The right music can really bring an evening together perfectly.

COFFEE TIME After dinner and dancing offering coffee is a must at my parties. An excellent cup of coffee is usually a welcome touch after a big meal and a good segue into winding down the party. It’s also a helpful finish for those who choose to keep the libations flowing!

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CONNECTING Once the party commences introduce new faces to the group so that everyone knows each other. If you know guests have common interests, introduce them so that new friendships can blossom. Set an example by talking with all of your guests and making sure everyone feels welcome and included.

END OF NIGHT At the end of the night I like to personally address the party and thank everyone for their attendance with a toast or a simple thank you. At this point it is great to ask if everyone is okay to get home safely. If there’s any doubt, offer to help your guest get a taxi or an Uber.

Side note: Don’t even think about cleaning up at this point. Go to bed and face the mess in the morning! & Issue 09 | 19

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DESIGNED TO INSPIRE AN OFFICE FOR ARTISTS

WORDS BY MONIQUE MCHUGH // IMAGES BY YOLANDY MICHEL

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For me, it has always been the simple things in life that bring joy to my day. Through my studies of Interior Design in college, I discovered my fascination with the beauty that surrounds us daily. It amazed me how my environment could affect my mood, and the look and feel of a room is no different.

A beautiful space has the power to lift my spirits and make a mundane task enjoyable.

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After my husband and I got married a little over a year ago, we began the search for our first apartment. The perfect little town home basically fell into our laps and we were immediately sold. With dark wood floors and crisp white walls, the apartment was exactly the canvas I was searching for, and I could already imagine our soon-to-be home. Once we received the keys, we both knew it was only a matter of time before I began putting my touch on every little corner of the new place.

Being such a creative person, the first place I turned to design was my office. I knew in a home that would soon represent both of our design styles, it would be important for me to have a space that was all my own. A creative outlet of sorts, where I could blog and plan our future home projects.

It was so important that my office be an inspiring and comfortable place to work, especially since my work space of choice at the moment is my bed! The palm print wallpaper was the perfect focal point, and the fact that it is my favorite color certainly doesn’t hurt. When I walk into the room, a smile immediately stretches across my face. I happily sit down, spread my toes through the soft fibers of the rug, light my Freshly Scented candle, and get to work. Needless to say, it has become my favorite room in the house. &

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My Cozy Apartment WORDS BY SARAH WISSINGER // IMAGES BY NICK MALBURG

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This room is home to our many instruments, vinyl records, music artwork, and our 300+ color-coded book collection.

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Three years ago when my boyfriend Nick and I moved to Pittsburgh, we decided, “We’re never moving again until we buy a house!” We wanted to find the perfect apartment – someplace with character, that we would be happy to call home until the day we became homeowners. We never thought that a mere two years later we would be ready to plant our roots, but we’re currently surrounded by boxes, three days away from closing on our first house together.

plenty of books, movies, and knick-knacks to fill our floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, but you’ll also find my grandmother’s 100-year-old typewriter I inherited. We love combining ordinary things with items that have so much meaning to our lives.

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Our current apartment spans the first floor of a 1890s home in the historic Highland Park neighborhood of Pittsburgh. We were drawn in by the beautiful hardwood floors, 10-foot ceilings, pocket doors, fireplaces, and much more. Being mid-20s post-grads with not much money, we filled our home with many items that we’ve made or picked up at a thrift store. Though it may not be the most cohesive or design-friendly home in the world, it’s definitely a space that reflects us.

Our dining room is more like a library/music room. Nick is a music teacher and we both love to read.

This room is home to our many instruments, vinyl records, music artwork, and our 300+ color-coded book collection.

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Most of our time is spent in our living room, dining room, and office. In the living room you’ll find

Finally, the most fun space in our home is by far the office/craft room. We run a DIY blog in our spare time, so we needed to have a dedicated space for supplies.

I love the pegboard in this room and the fun “HELLO!” that greets us whenever we walk through the door.

It’ll be bittersweet to leave this apartment we’ve called home for three years, but we’re even more excited for our adventures in homeownership and creating a new space we love as much as this one. &

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I love the pegboard in this room and the fun “HELLO!” that greets us whenever we walk through the door.

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KITCHEN 32 | Holl & Lane Magazine

Cacao Buckwheat Mousse WORDS & IMAGES BY JESS TURNER

Ingredients: • 1/2 cup of buckwheat groats • 1 cup of water • 2 cups of non-dairy milk • 1/3 - 1/2 cup brown rice syrup • 1/2 cup cacao powder Instructions: 1. Add 1 cup of water to the groats and leave to soak overnight.

2. Drain the groats of any excess water and place the buckwheat, water and milk in a pot on medium heat. Stir while cooking for 12-15 minutes.

3. Take off the heat and put the mixture into a food processor (or use a hand-held food processor) and blend the mixture until it is smooth. The groats will take a little longer to blend.

4. Place the mixture back in the pot and leave on the heat for 5 more minutes, by now the mixture will have thickened.

5. Add the brown rice syrup and cacao to the mixture and stir until smooth. You can add more or less milk, cacao, brown rice syrup to make it to your taste.

6. Leave to cool for 20-30 minutes then scoop it in your desired pots or bowls. Place in the fridge for 1 hour until nicely chilled.

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Hummus

WORDS & IMAGES BY JESS TURNER

Ingredients: • 1 tin of chickpeas (look for low salt ones) = around 1 ¼ cups chickpeas • 2 ice cubes • 1/4 cup water • 2 tbsp tahini • 1/2 tsp salt • 1 tbsp olive oil Instructions: 1. Wash and drain the chickpeas.

2. Place all the ingredients in a blender/food processor and blitz until creamy and smooth.

3. Store in a jar in the fridge or serve in a bowl with some olive oil drizzled over the top.

Optional extras - sprinkle some paprika, or whole chickpeas on top.

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Stewed Tomato & Kale Bruschetta WORDS & IMAGES BY KELLY AGNEW

*Gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan Makes: 12-14 bruschetta slices

Ingredients: • 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil (plus extra for finishing) • 2 garlic cloves, minced • 1/2 cup leeks, finely chopped • 2 large tomatoes, finely chopped • 1/2 cup chopped kale (packed tightly) • 1/4 cup fresh basil, finely chopped • 1/2 tsp salt • Baguette++ Instructions: 1. Set pan to medium-low heat and add olive oil and minced garlic. Sauté until garlic is fragrant, then add leeks and stir. Add chopped tomatoes, kale and salt. Let the mixture sauté for about 10-15 minutes, or until most of the liquid is evaporated from the mixture and the tomatoes have broken down.

2. In the meantime, slice the baguette horizontally. Toast the slices in the oven at 400F for about 5 minutes, or until toasted. For a gluten-free option, use gluten-free bread.

3. Add chopped fresh basil to the tomato mixture and stir for about 1 minute.

4. Remove tomato mixture from heat and spoon onto toasted baguette slices. Top with a drizzle of olive oil and serve.

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One Pot Chicken Thighs With Peas and Potatoes WORDS BY CATHERINE SHORT // IMAGES BY JORDAN SHORT

Prep time: 15 minutes Cook time: 60 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: • 1 pound chicken thighs • 1 pound red potatoes (7-9) • 1 cup onions chopped • 1 cup celery chopped • 1 cup mushrooms chopped • 1 cup frozen peas • 2 cloves of garlic • 1 cup dry white wine • 1/2 cup water • salt & pepper to taste • 1 tsp rosemary & thyme (adjust based on your preference) • olive oil Instructions: 1. Salt & pepper the chicken thighs. Brown in olive oil (1 tablespoon at a time as needed). When all chicken is brown, remove.

2. In the same pan add 1 cup each of chopped onion, celery, mushrooms and 2 cloves of garlic to pan drippings. Add more olive oil if necessary.

3. Sauté for 5 minutes. Add seasonings. Then add back the chicken.

4. Add 1 cup white wine and 1/2 cup water.

5. Cook on stove with lid for 40 minutes.

6. Add quartered red potatoes and continue to cook for 20 minutes.

7. During the last 5 minutes add the frozen peas.

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Tiramisu Mille Crêpe Cake WORDS & IMAGES BY CHRISTINE SIMARD

Prep time: 4-5 hours Makes: 12 servings Crêpe batter Ingredients: • 1 1/2 cup all purpose flour • 2 tablespoons cornstarch • 1/4 cup sugar • 2 teaspoons salt • 4 eggs • 4 egg yolks • 8 tablespoons butter, melted and cooled • 2 cup milk (2% or whole) • 3 tablespoons cognac • 3 teaspoons instant coffee or espresso • Clarified butter or nonstick pan spray Instructions: 1. Sift together the flour, cornstarch, sugar, and salt.

2. In another bowl whisk together the eggs, egg yolks, butter, milk, cognac and instant coffee.

3. In a slow stream, whisk in the wet mixture into the flour mixture until smooth.

4. Cover the bowl and refrigerate it for one hour to 24 hours. If the batter separates, lightly mix it back together.

5. Set a plate lined with a paper towel right next to your stovetop. Heat an 8-inch nonstick skillet over medium heat. Lightly coat the pan with clarified butter or nonstick pan spray.

Pour 1/4 cup of the batter and tilt the pan quickly to disperse the batter all around the bottom of the pan. Cook for about 2 minutes, until the bottom of the crêpe is browned, and then flip it to the other side for 30 seconds, until the other side is browned as well.

Slide the cooked crêpe onto the plate with paper towel and cover it with a paper towel.

6. Repeat step 5 until all crêpes are done. Cover the crêpes with Refrigerate to cool the crêpes completely (about one hour).

Tiramisu filling Ingredients: • 1/2 cup of whipping cream • 1 cup mascarpone cheese • 2 teaspoons rum • 3 tablespoons powdered sugar • a shot of espresso • cocoa powder for dusting Instructions: 1. Whip the cream to stiff peaks.

2. Mix the rest of the ingredients together in different bowl.

3. Refrigerate until ready to build the crêpe cake (but no more than 12 hours).

Building the Mille Crêpe Cake: 1. On a serving plate of your choice, place the first crêpe down and 2 tablespoons of filling.

Spread evenly over the crêpe to the edges until you run out of crêpes or filling. You should use about 18 crêpes. Brush espresso on each crêpe before adding the filling.

2. Refrigerate for one hour. On the top in a single layer sift cocoa powder.

3. To serve, cut into slices and serve with whip cream.

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Lavender Profiteroles With Toasted Pistachios WORDS & IMAGES BY JOYCE MAC

Cook Time: 1 1/2 hour Servings: 25 Ingredients: Choux Pastry for Profiteroles • 85g all purpose flour • 15g granulated sugar • 120g water • 60g unsalted butter • pinch of salt • 125g eggs

Lavender Buttercream Toppings: • Toasted pistachios • 7 egg whites • Chopped Gold leaf • 350g granulated sugar • 476g unsalted butter, room temperature • pinch of salt • 1 tsp lavender extract • 2-3 drops of electric purple food coloring

Choux Pastry for Profiteroles Instructions: 1. Preheat oven to 375F. In a saucepan, melt butter with water and salt.

Once melted, add the flour and sugar, continuously mixing off-heat for 1 minute and then on-heat for 2 minutes until a thin film forms on the bottom.

2. In a stand mixer, using a paddle attachment, whip the mixture on high until cool – approx. 10 minutes. On low speed, slowly add the eggs, one yolk at a time until each one is incorporated. Whip the pastry on high speed again until the dough pulls away from the bowl – approx. 5 minutes. Place dough into pastry bag with a 1’’ round tip.

3. Pipe onto a silpat on a baking tray about 2.5’’ in diameter. Leave about 1.5’’ gap between each profiterole. Lower the temperature to 350F and bake for about 20-25 minutes, until golden brown.

4. Cool on wire rack.

Lavender Buttercream Instructions: 1. On a double boiler, whisk the egg whites and sugar together until the mixture reaches 135F. Pour mixture into a stand mixer with a whisk attachment and whisk on high for 2 minutes.

2. Continue to whisk on medium speed for 10 minutes, until completely cool. Switch to a paddle attachment and on low speed, slowly add the butter, 1’’ cube at a time. Once all the butter is incorporated, add the lavender extract and purple food coloring on low speed. Switch to high speed for a few more minutes until all smooth.

Assembly Instructions: 1. Once cool, cut each profiterole in half.

2. Pipe the lavender buttercream using a star tip in a swirl on the bottom half of each profiterole. Top each profiterole with some toasted pistachios and gold leaf for decoration.

42 | Holl & Lane Magazine

Issue 09 | 43

LIFE 44 | Holl & Lane Magazine

The Shore

WORDS BY MIA SUTTON // IMAGE BY MOLLY WANTLAND

The waves crash relentlessly on me Day in and day out This constant motion and noise Destructive and yet beautiful The tide goes out Uncovering my shells and jagged secrets Exposed for all the world to see Shovels and buckets and lawn chairs Crowd around like indifferent debris The wind blows and I swirl Powerless, out of control I am the shore The safe, solid ground Between the deep, dark sea And the trek back to reality The tide comes back in Smoothing out my gaps And filling my soul Rejuvenation at its finest I am the shore And I endure Strong, everlasting Tomorrow we'll meet again To do our hypnotic dance Of rebound and rebirth The tide goes out

The May to His December We’ve heard the stereotypes of older man marries younger woman. But Rebecca is putting those stereotypes to rest with her experience of being in a May-December relationship.

IT’S A TYPICAL SUNDAY morning at our house-the smell of bacon fills the kitchen, listening to the sound of our 4-year old little boy, Gabriel, singing a song. I’m sipping coffee while the hubs reads the paper. Sounds pretty typical, doesn’t it? What isn’t so typical is the fact that my husband and I have a 20 year age difference. We’re what you would call a MayDecember marriage.

Although not uncommon, the majority of people would agree that age-appropriate partners are sought after, what we assume we will find. Normally when you think of an MDR, you think about stereotypes - busty blonde bimbo marries 100 year old billionaire; the mid-life crises; the lonely cougar and the pool boy. While these scenarios exist, they couldn’t be further from our situation. Society wants to loop everyone into a category. I would like to break apart the stereotypes by giving you insight to my personal experience with this type of relationship.

First off, let me be clear - I was most certainly not looking for a man that much older than me when Joe walked into my life. But he was exactly the person I needed.

The year was 2001. I was a full-time working, full-time college student and living with my father. After my parents split in 1999, I decided to live with him while I went to school.

My dad and I have always been close, we get along well. I paid my own bills, not wanting to have to rely on my parents for everything.

Stereotype number one and two: I

don’t have daddy issues and I wasn’t looking for a sugar daddy.

Partying was okay, but my jam was the gym five to six times a week. It was important for me to be healthy and in shape. Plus, hot guys! One ordinary day, I was about to work on my triceps when I saw these striking hazel eyes on this gorgeous man that I’d never seen before. He smiled. Entranced, I almost fell over but quickly caught myself.

You know when people tell you that you just know when you meet The One? I’m here to tell you, it’s 100% true! And this moment was proof. I had this strange feeling come over me then but immediately shook it off, burying it in denial. We exchanged pleasantries and introduced ourselves.

Joe was a divorced father of two who had just moved to the area. He worked full time and also had a part time job. In other words, Joe wasn’t rich, but not many people are coming out of a divorce. When he wasn’t at work, he liked to ride dirtbikes and lift weights. He was casually dating but not having any luck.

Stereotype number three: He wasn’t looking to leave his wife.

We became acquaintances, secretly searching for each other on our gym days.

No mention of age or relationship status ever made its way into our conversations. We mostly talked about strength training, work, making fun of the attention-starved girls in ›

WORDS BY REBECCA JAFFE

46 | Holl & Lane Magazine

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booty shorts and the meathead body builders grunting like cave men. Harmless conversation. Mostly we made each other laugh.

Our gym was akin to a small Southern townfolks gossiped like hens in a henhouse, even the guys. So imagine my surprise when one of those grunting body builders approached me, admitting that Joe was asking questions about my age! A few days later, I marched right up to Joe, asking him out on a date. Yep, I asked him! He said yes, of course. And the rest, as they say, is history!

Over the years I’ve learned a few things about being the May in a MDR:

who I was. Some worried that I’d wrap my identity up in him-that can be said for any relationship. I’ve never been that kind of girl anyway, but when you’re young it can be a legitimate concern. Decembers have the stigma of being overbearing on impressionable younger mates.

That wasn’t the case with us, fortunately.

Get over the jealousy. We both struggled with this one, thankfully it was a phase we both grew out of. Jealousy = Foolishness.

Weigh the sacrifice. Marriage and children were a requirement for me, but in the beginning, Joe was against the idea of becoming a father again. It’s understandable, he’s in a different place in his life, he’d raised his kids.

Obviously, he overcame it because we are married and have a beautiful son. Keep in mind not all Decembers may be so willing (or even able) to fulfill your needs and wants because of that.

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Shake them haters off. We have heard it all :”Girl, you smell like Similac!” “Is that your dad?” We get the judgmental looks in public, laughing at every bit of it.

You have to have a good sense of humor when you’re in a MDR, it’s a solid requirement. Take that, society!

Let the parents see for themselves. My dad was upset when he found out about my budding romance. He worried that Joe was trying to take advantage of me.

Time and time again, Joe proved worthy of his only daughter. He was respectful, caring and helpful, even to my parents, when we needed it.

Don’t lose yourself. One reason Joe and I have such a good relationship is he gave me the space to figure out

Be realistic. Realistically, I could be a widow long before my friends lose their spouses. But none of us can predict those things. I was willing to take that risk if it meant being with my soul mate. I try my best to live in the moment anyway because nothing is guaranteed.

And by the way, it has its perks! Most older men know what they want, how to treat a lady, and they’ve sowed their oats and are ready for something real.

Issue 09 | 47

i don’t want kids.

WORDS BY JESSICA DOWNEY

WHEN I WAS in my late teens and early twenties I always thought about growing up, getting married, and having kids. I'm not sure if I ever thought about why I wanted kids or if I truly wanted to have children of my own. Honestly, I don't think I ever thought about it at all. It was just the natural progression of life for someone in the Midwest - you graduate high school, get a job or go off to college, get married, buy a house, and have children.

As I grew older, I started to wonder if kids were in my life plan.

When I would talk to people they'd always say I was too young or that I would change my mind if/when I was married someday. I actually kind of couldn't wait to get out of my twenties so people would take my decisions seriously.

I'd date guys who really, really wanted children. And it kind of freaked me out because I was still on the fence.

I hadn't completely thrown out the idea, but I definitely wasn't sold on it either.

So I had a really hard time wanting to commit to someone who definitely wanted kids.

When my husband and I were dating, we had all sorts of intense talks before we let ourselves get really serious.

One of them was about kids and he was like me. And I still remember the moment he told me that he really didn't want to have kids. It's a scary thing to tell someone that you really, really like. ›

48 | Holl & Lane Magazine

Well now I'm 35 years old and we've been married for almost two years and I can honestly tell you that I do not want to have children. At least not children of my own.

And I am married to someone who feels the exact same way. So we've made the decision to not have children.

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“

I W I SH I H A D TH I S P E R F E CTLY P E R F E CT A N SW E R A S TO W H Y I DO N ' T WA N T CH I L DR E N .

BU T T HE N AGA I N, SO M E T I M E S I WI S H I T WA S N'T A Q U E ST I O N TH AT HA D TO BE A NSWE R E D A LL T HE T I M E .

We often get hints from friends and family members. Everyone asks us all the time when we're going to have kids. And those with kids tell us how wonderful and amazing of an experience it is. Our answer has been the same for as long as we've been together -- that we're not going to have any. We usually get a lot of weird stares.

And, more often than not, we get something about how we'll change our minds after we've been married for a little while longer. It's almost as if it's reassurance that someday we'll get there. Someday we'll be ready.

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But I can assure you that we'll never be ready and it's not even an issue of being ready. We just simply don't want children and we are completely sure of our decision.

So the question is why. Why don't we want to have kids? And, even though sometimes I wish I didn't have to answer it, I do genuinely understand the question.

It's a big decision. Maybe even a little strange. It's a choice that a lot of people don't make. I don't want to say it's rare, because I believe there are plenty of couples out there who choose to go through life sans children. But to me it feels pretty rare. Like I'm part of a club that I didn't know existed. Everyone I know wants kids or has kids or wishes they had kids or is trying to have kids or is planning to have kids. And I don't get asked just because I'm a woman, because, trust me, a lot of people ask my husband, too.

Honestly, I wish I could tell you the reason why. I wish when people asked I could just say, this is the reason and that would be the end of it and we'd go on about our business. I wish I had this perfectly perfect answer as to why I don't want children. But then again, sometimes I wish it wasn't a question that had to be answered all the time.

Admittedly I know it sounds incredibly weird to say I don't have a reason why. But I don't really mean I don't have any reason at all. I just mean there's no clear cut reason. It's not really that simple. The truth is, there are a million reasons why I'm not going to have children.

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Some of the reasons might seem incredibly superficial. And I'll probably sound like a terrible human being when I say them out loud. But, nevertheless, they're reasons and I'd be totally lying to myself if I said they didn't matter. I'd also be a million times more selfish to bring a life into this world just because I don't want to admit there are some crazy bad reasons for not wanting to. ›

Issue 09 | 49

We want to have nice furniture and we don't want to have to clean up after others constantly. We also want to travel and don't want to have to go to kid friendly places. We like our freedom and having the ability to get up and go wherever we want, whenever we want. We like our sleep and the fact that we don't have to baby-proof our home. And we like the fact that we can have a three-bedroom home with plenty of room for my business, an office, and a lovely bedroom for ourselves.

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We don't want our weekends to be filled with soccer games, slumber parties, and running kids here and there. We don't want to leave a party early because the little one needs to get to bed or is having a meltdown. I want to be able to sit in a restaurant and have a bowl of soup and not feel guilty because I'm all alone and left my kid at home.

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We like that we have a life where we're generally only responsible for ourselves (and our dogs). We don't want the kind of responsibility that comes with having children. Being a parent means raising someone who will one day be an adult who makes their own decisions. That's kind of a big deal.

We like being an aunt and an uncle to a handful of really awesome kids. It's a fabulous job, really. One that gives both of us a ton of rewards. And really, that's enough kid exposure for us. ›

And, I will go ahead and say this - I'm far older than I'd want to be. I know that many, many people have kids well past the age I am. My great grandmother did. But that's not something I'm personally on board with. Also, it's not like I'd be able to have a kid tomorrow. My husband is currently finishing his PhD and working as a full-time professor. So I think adding fatherhood to the equation would be a huge mistake.

One that could make one (or both) of us incredibly unhappy and bitter towards the other person.

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I'm also not sure I want to bring someone into a world like this. The world is kind of a scary place right now. And I'm not sure it's fair to bring a precious life into a world that I don't feel great about.

I don't know if any of those are good reasons.

They might sound awful and terrible. They might sound whiny or selfish or so many other negative things. Actually, part of me is cringing as I write them.

But, truth be told, I'm not even sure if anyone needs a reason to not want kids. Sometimes you just know what you know. You know what you feel. You know what you believe. No one ever asks people why they want kids. › 50 | Holl & Lane Magazine

And no matter how many things I don't know when it comes to this, what I do know is that children are not something I want and I'm not changing my mind. I believe in my heart that having children isn't for me. It's not a part of my plan. My husband and I do not want to have children. At least, not children of our own. We've talked about maybe adopting or being foster parents someday.

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Here's what else I know: I know that a lot of people are probably worried about having kids.

They probably have some of the same thoughts I do, but all of that changed for them when they actually had a child. But I'm just not one of those people. I don't think all of that just magically changes. And even if there is a chance for it to change, that's a risk I'm not willing to take. You're a parent forever and there are no take backs. You don't get to be a parent one day and then decide you're over it and stop doing it the next day.

I also know this isn't a decision I take lightly, neither does my husband. We didn't wake up one day and think kids just weren't for us. This is something we both thought about separately, before we even met one another. And something that we thought about and talked about as a couple. This is something we decided together. It's something we believe in together.

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This also isn't a decision that one of us is doing for the other. It isn't a sacrifice or compromise. I honestly don't believe that I'm giving anything up here. Just a good old-fashioned decision like our decision to move out of New York City and our decision to buy our house.

It also isn't anything against parenthood.

I believe it's a wonderful thing. I watch my friends and family members who have children with admiration and respect. I see the way those little eyes look at their parents. And the way those parents look back. I am sure it's a magical experience, but it's not for me.

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I also know that we're happy with our decision. Completely and utterly content. It might be hard to explain to people sometimes (obviously it was hard for me in this article). But we know it is the right decision.

We're content with our sweet little family just as it is - my husband, me, and our two cute little dachshunds. That's what we want in life.

That's the family we want to have. & Issue 09 | 51

THE BRAIN FREEFALL

Three weeks postsurgery Chiari Malformation is a structural defect in the cerebellum, formed as a fetus. The cerebellum usually sits in an indented space in a lower portion of the skull. However, if the space is too small, the cerebellum and brain stem may be pushed downard and into the spinal canal.

This is what happened to Jennifer, a military wife and mother of three just before her 36th birthday. In honor of Chiari Malformation Awareness Month, we asked Jennifer to tell us her story of discovering this defect and the risky surgery she faced.

WORDS & IMAGES BY JENNIFER DUDLEY

52 | Holl & Lane Magazine

Image via Conquer Chiari

I HAVE THREE WONDERFUL kids and a military husband. When something hurts I ignore it, I don’t have time for it. If that doesn’t work, I take some Ibuprofen, if that doesn’t work, I try harder to ignore it, and eventually it just becomes a normal everyday type of pain and I get used to it and move on - power through the pain. But what happens when it doesn’t get better, what happens when the pain and numbness in your left arm starts to spread, and it gets so bad you finally do something about it only to find out things are going to get so much worse before they get better?

because my husband was out of town when I received this news. So at least I was not alone, and maybe having my mom there to help me digest this was even better. She let me lose it, she comforted the kids when they heard me crying, she tucked them in for me and came and sat on the bed next to me and held me until I got it together. I cried, I cried like I never have before, I got it all out, and then it was time to start my battle and figure this out.

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This is what happened to me. I had been experiencing numbness and tingling for 9 weeks and after many doctor visits finally had an MRI to try and figure out where this was coming from. I got a call from a surgeon friend of mine after I had sent him a copy of my MRI. He said, “No this is not a slipped disc, or a pinched nerve Jenni. Your brain is literally falling out of the back of your skull and compressing your spine and slowly paralyzing you. It is called Arnold Chiari Malformation and you will have brain surgery within a couple weeks.”

I set to the internet. My surgeon friend was researching facilities, options and neuro surgeons. It turns out there are only about 12 Chiari centers in the United States, but none in or around Kansas. There where two, however, near my home in Ohio. After researching my options we decided on the Chiari Clinic at UPMC Pittsburgh and Dr. Friedlander as my neurosurgeon. He was known to be one of the very best in the country for Chiari decompression and duraplasty surgery. So I set out to get the referrals and all the things I would need going forward. After jumping through some hoops, I had an appointment scheduled in Pittsburgh within five days and I found myself, my mother and my youngest child on a plane headed home to Ohio. My husband stayed in Kansas with our two school-aged boys and awaited the official diagnosis and plan.

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Pause for momentary freak out.

Okay, say that again. “Jennifer, your cerebellum [the back lower part of your brain] is pushing through the hole in the back of your skull, and with nowhere for it to go it is compressing down onto your spinal cord.

Thus making a path for cerebral brain fluid to enter your spinal cord [which is only supposed to have Spinal Fluid in it] creating a pocket of fluid called a syrinx, which in turn damages the nerve fibers in your arms. And the reason you are getting worse is that you are neurologically declining and the syrinx is growing. You will have to have a surgery called a decompression on your skull and top vertebrae and also a duraplasty on your spine to remove the fluid in the syrinx.” Now, once in again - in English, please! “Jenn, you need to find a specialist, you need surgery, and you need it NOW.”

This part of my journey seemed to be the longest.

New symptoms seemed to be starting with each new day: headaches, vomiting, dizziness, and at one point even an inability to swallow. I found myself praying at night not for the diagnosis to be wrong but for it to be correct and for the surgeon to say yes I will do the surgery. That’s right, I was praying to have someone cut into my brain and spine. That was the only relief I could see.

Since my husband was not able to go to the consultation, my older brother Jeff went along to make sure I didn’t miss anything going forward. It was a very long stressful day of appointments, doctors, and tests and at the end of the day the diagnosis was confirmed.

It was actually worse than originally thought so surgery was scheduled immediately for December 1, 2015. My 36th birthday.

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I could tell you that I took this atomic bomb of information in stride, that I went along with my evening doing baths and bedtime routines with my three beautiful children. But the truth is I fell apart. I could not control my sobs. What was going to happen to me?

What was going to happen to my children? Was I going to have brain damage? Was I going to be able to raise my kids? How long would I be recovering? Who was going to do the surgery? Who was going to take care of me? My family…my life?

It just so happened that I was living temporarily in Kansas, from Ohio, at this time while my husband was going through a military school. Thankfully, my mother happened to be in town visiting (thank you, Jesus)

I was lucky though, from the official diagnosis to the surgery date was only five days, so it did not leave a lot of time for wigging myself out. We booked flights for my husband, Matt, and the boys and started to prepare. It just so happened that this all fell right before Christmas and as mother of three of course all of my focus was on making sure all of the kids’ presents were bought and wrapped beautifully since no one could guarantee what kind of shape I would be in post surgery. And come hell or high water I was going to make sure this was still a magical Christmas for my family. ›

Issue 09 | 53

With neurologist, Dr. Friedlander

As the days passed my condition worsened, both of my arms felt like they were asleep for most of the day, loud noises were unbearable from the constant headache, and keeping food down was nearly impossible. I was so miserable and busy that the fear and worry pretty much stayed at bay. It also helped that my amazing network of girlfriends organized a surprise birthday party for me the day before I checked in to the hospital. They spent three hours showering me in love, laughter and support. Their encouragement and reassurance that day helped get me through the home stretch. That night as I sat in the chair and looked at my family all cuddled up on the couch watching a movie the fear crept in.

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Was this my last night with them? Would I still remember the first moments of their little lives?

Would I still be able to sing their favorite lullaby at night? Would I be able to speak at all? Would my husband feel trapped if I didn’t come back to 100%?

Would he still love me? And worst of all, If I didn’t come out of this would they ever know how much I loved them? So, I kissed them, hugged them, and fell asleep crying in my husband’s arms.

Ready to tackle surgery!

We headed to the hospital on Monday morning to be admitted and begin pre-surgical testing. I am not going to sugarcoat this, the hospital was not what I expected and the floor they put me on was not the one I was supposed to be on. So my care both pre and post surgery was not that great. (Though the surgical staff was amazing!) After a day of getting poked and scanned it was time for Matt to head to the hotel and turn in for the night. It was the first time I saw the fear in him, he realized that the next time he saw me I would be in pre-op, no going back. His emotions took over which rattled me quite a bit, but also allowed me to see a vulnerable side of him I had not seen and really needed to. He held me for a long time and after he was sure I was comfortable he left the room exhausted.

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After he had gone I slipped out of my hospital bed and took out the notebook and pen I had brought.

I sat on the edge of the and began to write: “You are LOVED”, “I am always with you, around you and in your heart”, ”Make sure to always mind your manners and remember being a gentleman is one of the most important things”, “Be honest, not only with others but also with yourself ”, ”Please don’t choose a strapless wedding gown, you will be pulling it up all night long, and who wants to look at that?”, and most importantly, “BE KIND, to everyone, all the time and kindness will come back to you”. It was a letter to my children. I tried to write all the things I needed them to know but may never get the chance to tell them. Now, I would

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like to say that I also wrote a letter to my husband, but in all honesty I didn’t even know where to begin with that one. Plus I was too weak and emotionally drained to do it. So I folded up the notebook paper and wrote “To My Angel Face” on the front and tucked it into my suitcase, knowing that if I didn’t come out of this the way I hoped it would be found and shared with each of them. I climbed back into bed and began to pray. ”Dear Lord, thank you, thank you for this amazing life you have given me, please watch over my precious family, and surround Matt, Mom, and Jeff tomorrow with your presence. I am giving it over to you now Lord. Amen”.

The next morning is a blur but I do have to say there was a certain calmness inside. I was ready, ready to go in and begin battling this crazy disease that had hijacked my life. I mean really, whose brain actually falls out of their head? Anesthesia came for me about 8:30 and I remember being very concerned about farting during surgery - it may have been a little of the Valium talking though. The surgical room was cold and covered in stainless steel… and then I woke up in post-op. I looked up and a nurse named Jeff looked down at me and said “Jennifer, you’re all done…do you know where you are?” I remember blinking and realizing in that moment that I understood what he had said. I answered “hospital” and realized I also could speak and remember who and where I was. Now I know that people always say that the most significant moments in their lives are when they marry their spouse or see their children for the first time, but for me this exchange between me and Nurse Jeff, who I will never see again, was the single most significant moment of my life.

The post-surgery “zipper” scar.

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In that moment, all of my fears where pushed aside - I had survived the surgery! Someone had opened up my head, dug around, put me back together, and I was still me. With all of my memories and things that made me, me. The next 2 weeks are a complete blur of blinding pain, millions of medications, and sleep.

I have brief memories of visitors, flowers, cards and baked goods.

But not much else. My mother took care of me over the next six weeks so that my husband could return to his job and my older two boys wouldn’t miss more school. The holidays came quickly only 23 days after surgery and although I am sure it was magical to me everything was a little fuzzy. Each day brought something new. A new nerve pain I hadn’t felt yet, a dizziness from walking around too much, and the headaches….oh the headaches. Nothing like I had pre-surgery but still pretty awful.

CHIARI MALFORMATION STATISTICS & FACTS:

•

A neurological disorder in which the cerbellum is pushed downard from the skull and compresses the spinal column

•

Can be caused as a structural issue during fetal development, or later in life if excessive spinal fluid is drained from the lumbar or thoracic areas of the spine

•

Symptoms often include dizziness, numbness, loss of balance, vision problems, difficulty swallowing, vomiting hearing loss, and many others

•

Some with Chiari Malformation will never show symptoms

•

The disorder affects more women than men

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Don’t get me wrong I was and am so grateful. But anyone who has gone through brain surgery in particular knows that it is a very long and stressful road to recovery. I mean your brain controls everything, so if it is out of whack so is everything else.

I am writing this today 7 months and 3 days post-op, and I have to say I am doing pretty great. We have since moved back to Ohio, into a brand new home, and we are surrounded by our family and wonderful friends. I am not 100% and I still have some pretty significant side effects but all in all I feel good. And looking back to the moment when the doctor said “Your brain is falling out of your head and crushing your spine”, well, I feel enormously blessed! &

•

Though there are no concrete facts, Chiari Malformation is thought to occur in at least 1 in 1000 births

•

Treatment varies based on the type of Chiari, though surgery is the only option to prevent further damage of the central nervous system

Learn more about Chiari Malformation at the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.

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The Silent

HEROES WORDS & IMAGES PROVIDED BY DR. HALEY ADAMS

WITH A GOAL OF IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF LIFE FOR WILDLIFE AND ENDANGERED SPECIES IN AFRICA, DR. HAYLEY ADAMS SET OUT TO CREATE A FOUNDATION AIMING AT PROVIDING PHYSICIANS WITH NEEDED RESOURCES AND TRAINING TO TREAT THE ANIMALS. A VETERNARIAN BY TRADE, DR. ADAMS HAS SPENT MUCH OF HER LIFE INVOLVED IN THE CARE AND TREATMENT OF WILDLIFE. WE TALKED WITH DR. ADAMS ABOUT HER FOUNDATION, THE SILENT HEROES, TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW SHE ASSISTS THESE UNDERFUNDED AREAS IN REHABILITATING ENDANGERED SPECIES.

Issue 09 | 57

Q: Tell us about some of the most influential projects you've done with The Silent Heroes.

Q: Tell us a little bit about your background.

Though I was born in a small town in the mountains of eastern Tennessee, my heart was born in Africa. I was raised with plenty of exposure to nature and her beauty, and was happiest when allowed to explore the world beyond my bedroom. I was a shy child, and found comfort and peace spending time with animals. I solidified my desire to work as a veterinarian as a young teen, and worked hard at my studies to achieve that goal.

Q: What made you want to work with/for animals?

I have always felt a calling to work with animals, to help those who cannot speak for themselves. For me, becoming a veterinarian was the ultimate way to give back and serve the animal kingdom. As veterinarians, we are trained and honored with the ability to both save life and end suffering, and sometimes despite our best efforts, we must respect that life itself is a force driven by mysteries beyond our knowledge and abilities.

Q: What inspired the creation of The Silent Heroes?

I first went to Africa to work for a summer at 20 years old. It was everything I had imagined it would be, and I was determined to make it my life's work to make a difference somehow in Africa. Each year since then, for the past 20 years, I have returned many times to work with all manner of species, meeting many amazing people in Africa along the way who were doing their part to make a difference as well. After graduating from veterinary school and finishing my specialized degrees, I was on a trajectory for a life in teaching and research at a veterinary school, thus in academia. Yet I felt a yearning to find a way to give back to all of the people and wildlife along the way who inspired me and taught me what it means to be a Silent Hero. The Foundation was born out of this desire, 5 years ago, and began as a small grassroots operation. Today we have grown to support over 20 projects in 13 countries in Africa, with our own unique conservation initiatives, research, and training as well.

I truly enjoy supporting African veterinarians who work hard to make a living and make a difference for the animals they treat. I support a variety of vets in Africa, from new grads building their practice from the ground up, to wildlife vets working in National Parks, to vets who work in dog welfare and livestock disease, to vets who put their own lives on the line to save endangered species such as rhinos and mountain gorillas. They are my Silent Heroes, and their work has been a guiding influence in my own career path.

Q: How will Ivory Orphans work to eliminate elephant poaching?

Ivory Orphans is an initiative of the African Wildlife Trust. The Trust actively fights poaching through a combination of raising awareness through social media, community education and support, and anti-poaching patrols. AWT proactively assists the Tanzanian Wildlife Division by providing anti-poaching teams that consist of highly motivated and professionally trained rangers.

AWT anti-poaching teams arrest and prosecute an average of between 1,800 to 2,000 poachers a year.

AWT teams, assisted by the Wildlife Department, have confiscated a variety of poaching related paraphernalia including thousands of wire and cable snares, rifles, automatic weapons, poison arrows, elephant ivory, bushmeat, animal parts and hides, illegal charcoal and hardwood planks.

Q: How hands-on will you be with Ivory Orphans?

I am overseeing the implementation of the veterinary operations for the orphanage. When orphan elephants are rescued there are critical nutritional, emotional, and medical needs to address, and the expertise of a veterinarian specialized in wildlife health is of crucial importance to the survival of orphans. The most critical period for orphans is the 72 hour window after rescue— orphans are dehydrated, malnourished, and traumatized, and often don’t survive due to the combination of these factors. Early medical intervention and supportive care is key to the success of a rescue and subsequent transport to their new home.

Additionally I hope to establish the orphanage as a field institute, allowing expertise from around the world to contribute to the overall health and well-being of orphans, as well as their free-ranging counterparts in Tanzania. We must elevate the overall standard of care if we aim to save this highly complex and social species from extinction. ›

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Q: What are some of the initiatives you will be focusing on in 2016?

orphanage. It is inspiring and challenging to accomplish such a big undertaking in the developing world.

We are working hard to establish Ivory Orphans as a fully functional orphanage. This will take a majority of the year to implement. In addition to the veterinary triage necessary for orphans, we will work to establish protocols for nutritional and emotional support of the orphans we receive. I will be campaigning for a global ban on ivory, in conjunction with the upcoming CITES CoP17. Each year I supervise a number of veterinary students from around the world who wish to gain experience working with wildlife in Africa. This year we have students working on everything from monitoring elephant stress levels in Tanzania, to vulture health and investigations on mass poisonings in Zimbabwe, to veterinary health care for livestock guard dogs for cheetah conservation in Namibia, to livestock health and prevention of disease in Uganda. The students keep me busy! I also lecture to veterinary and conservation graduate students and supervise a number of research projects related to wildlife conservation in Africa.

Q: What project/initiative are you most proud of?

Q: What has it been like serving as an advisor for the African Wildlife Trust?

It is an honor to work alongside such a diverse, hardworking, and dedicated team of individuals to oversee the implementation of Tanzania's first and only elephant

Probably the provision of textbooks to hundreds of veterinary students in Africa. We support seven universities in Africa with textbooks for faculty and students, that otherwise would have no books or educational resources. It really is astounding to see firsthand the dearth of books, the bare libraries, when we as Americans are accustomed to Universities with hundreds of thousands of books.

Q: Is there any additional info you would like us to know?

Yes. I want every reader to recognize their own potential to make a difference. I am 'just a girl' from a small town in Tennessee, with a dream to travel to a far-away land, and to live amongst the wildlife. Many laughed and thought I was crazy. And to be honest, I probably was, and still am a little bit. But I honored my dream, and had a fierce belief in my passion. Sometimes it starts as the smallest seed in your heart, but if you take the time to water that seed, you will be amazed at what can grow from it.

You can donate to The Silent Heroes Foundation at http://www.thesilentheroes.org/donate

Issue 09 | 59

MY BROTHER HAS CANCER

THERE ARE TINY MOMENTS throughout life that will forever stay in our memories. The ones that are filled with emotion; emotion that vibrates down to your very core. The ones that call upon every ounce of strength in your body.

These moments are almost unbearable at the time, but once they pass, they stay with you forever.

In May 2015, my younger brother was complaining of a persistent cough. After a few weeks, he decided to see his doctor who told him that it was likely viral and to come back if it got worse. After a week, there was no change, but appointments with the doctor weren’t easy to arrange so he visited a walk-in clinic. There he was given a puffer and sent home. Not even a week later, he was in the hospital. The entire left side of his body was swollen, he couldn’t breathe properly, and was coughing with every word he spoke.

I found out he was in the hospital on Facebook, of all places. Immediately I called him and he explained what was going on. It didn’t sound good and I was terrified - but my brother, young and invincible, didn’t think it was a big deal.

I remember crying that afternoon.

Something felt completely off about the situation and I was worried for him. My partner, Mike, told me it’d be alright and there was no point in dwelling on it too much until we knew what it was. I asked my mom to give me a call when she knew more. They suspected pneumonia, or some other virus, but nothing life-threatening.

Later that night, my phone rang. It was my mom with the news.

“So what did you find out?”

“It’s… not good...” and after a few moments of silence, “he has lymphoma...It’s cancer.”

She explained that he couldn’t breathe because one of his lungs and the surrounding cavity was filled with fluid - an entire 7 litres (or 1.85 gallons). I still can’t understand how that much liquid could be in one person’s body, let alone his chest. The left side of his body was swollen because he’d had a blood clot in his neck - a side-effect of the lymphoma. The persistent cough was a result of a 3-inch-long tumor in his chest, right behind his sternum.

My first thought was my 22-year old baby brother is going to die.

Yes, I am aware that it was extreme.

But I was worried. That night I cried more than I had in a really, really long time. It was a different cry - devastation, shock. I’d go from numbness to falling apart within the span of seconds. I just couldn’t believe it. “My brother has cancer” felt so completely foreign and wrong. Cancer has taken my grandparents from me. Cancer cannot take my brother from me, too.

Not long after being admitted to the hospital, we got a diagnosis: Diffuse Large B-Cell Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It’s an aggressive form of the cancer, which explained how his symptoms escalated so quickly. We were told that if he hadn’t been forced into the hospital by his roommate, he would have been dead in a matter of days. ›

WORDS BY KELLY AGNEW

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Those two weeks at the hospital were scary. He ended up in the ICU twice because his oxygen levels dipped too low; he was put on a respirator to help him breathe. Honestly, I’d never seen anyone so strong look so helpless; it brought tears to my eyes every time I looked too closely. My mother and father were there with him every single day. I could tell they were completely wornout too. I asked how they were sleeping, and like me, they weren’t really sleeping.

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When he finally started to mend and breathe well on his own, he was able to go home. With a plan for six rounds of chemotherapy, we knew he’d be battling this for a while to come. Lucky for him, he is incredibly strong. He continued working his summer job, but cut back his hours to two days a week. He fully expected to finish his last semester at school in the fall, and didn’t want to lose out on “real life” just because he was going through chemo. This alone speaks to his attitude about his diagnosis.

He wouldn’t let cancer ruin him; he would keep on fighting for a normal life. Cancer was just an inconvenience. We all supported his positive attitude and were uplifted by it as well.

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HE WOULDN’T LET CANCER RUIN HIM;

In many ways, that attitude did, and continues, to serve him well. In some ways, HE WOULD KEEP ON FIGHTING FOR A not so much. Although he was always quite NORMAL LIFE. CANCER WAS JUST AN active, he was never a particularly healthy INCONVENIENCE. eater. I made an effort to come by his apartment once a week and make him a healthy dinner, and always made sure he had leftovers in case he became too tired to make dinner himself. I enjoyed spending this time with him, checking in with him weekly. It was nice, considering we hadn’t been seeing much of each other with school and work.

“

He fought through his six rounds of chemo like a total champ. Being completely inundated with steroids, blood thinners, and chemotherapy drugs, he had no side effects except some fatigue and hair loss.

Because he reacted so positively to the chemo, the doctors suspected the cancer was responding. My family and I were positive.

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When they did the follow-up CT scan after his chemo, his tumor had shrunk - but it had stopped responding to chemo partway through the process.

Radiation was the next step. Within weeks he was going through daily radiation treatments at the hospital, which ran right up until about Christmas. Because the radiation continued to work in the body after the final appointment, his follow-up MRI wasn’t for three months. ›

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During those three months, he started to get back to normal life and we breathed another sigh of hopeful relief.

Until one day he noticed another lump. The MRI was advanced, and we found out he had a new, 3-inchlong lump forming in his chest. The first chemotherapy didn’t completely kill the cancer, and when they started radiation, the new tumor formed just outside of the irradiated zone. It was missed and started to grow.

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It was just one more blow. We were starting to realize that this cancer wouldn’t give up easy and had its own agenda. The next step was a more intense chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant. By this point, he’d moved home, thankfully. The second round of chemotherapy was stronger and tougher on his body, so it was good he had the support of my parents to take care of him and provide him with proper meals during the day. We were warned, though, and that this dose of chemotherapy would likely make him sterile. So in the midst of fighting this absolutely awful disease, he was likely robbed of the ability to have children, too.

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Finally they started preparing him for a stem cell transplant, but the tumor had grown back and they needed to do another round - a third round - of chemotherapy. At that point, I was tested to see if I was a match and could donate my bone marrow to him. I wasn’t. Another blow. After the third round of chemo, doctors moved forward with the first stem cell transplant. Because I wasn’t a match, they used his own bone marrow. Knowing it would likely be less effective than someone healthy, it was also the quickest and easiest option to keep the cancer under “control”.

Chances are, it wouldn’t work completely and he would need to find a stem cell marrow donor down the road.

The only downside is the road to recovery after a stem cell transplant is tough. Daily hospital appointments for bloodwork, complete fatigue, hair loss, nausea, and generally feeling like absolute garbage - all expected to last for weeks. With each treatment he’s hit harder and harder, but somehow he comes out stronger than the doctors predict. He’s a fighter, and we’re all so grateful for it.

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Where do we stand today? He’s recovering from his first transplant and the doctors are waiting to see how he responds before determining if he needs a donor. Now 23 years old, my brother continues to fight.

The cancer is aggressive and incredibly persistent, but his positive attitude and belief in himself has given him the upper hand in this battle so far. Though the battle isn’t over, we all continue to remain positive because he embodies positivity and strength. ›

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Through this entire process, I can’t imagine being in my brother’s shoes. He’s had to give up almost all control of his life to this disease. Lack of control does not sit well with my type-A personality. I would need to do at least something to feel as if I’m making a difference - for example, eating a clean diet, removing added stress from my life, and seeing a naturopath for supplementary, holistic cancer support. I firmly believe that food can heal and harm, and that we can generally choose the life we want based on how we treat our body. My brother feels the exact opposite - he doesn’t want to be a slave to the disease, and wants to continue living a normal life - the same life he was living before he got sick. Not until almost a year later did he take my advice and see a naturopath, but even still, he is generally unwilling to make big changes. Although a healthy diet may not cure his cancer alone, it has great powers to support the body with the nutrients and energy that it needs to fight this battle even harder. It’s been impossible to convince him to see this side - but it’s his battle to fight, not mine. Learning to accept and respect that has been challenging. Did I mention we’re both incredibly stubborn?

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Watching a loved one fight cancer is heartbreaking. I can bet that almost every single one of you knows exactly what I mean. It may be your sibling, your partner, your parents, your grandparents or even your children. Cancer doesn’t discriminate and has a life of its own. And damn, it’s hard to sit by and watch. At first I felt weak for admitting it because I’m not the one fighting the disease. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that it is true. It is freaking hard to sit by and watch your loved one suffer. While we may not fight the sickness, we still experience the worry and fear and desperate hope that everything will be okay. We are watching someone that we care about go through the battle of a lifetime. We need to be strong for them every day - which we do our absolute best to be - but we are bound to feel pain. And that pain is okay. Let that sink in for a moment. You are not alone in this.

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As much as I sometimes worry, I am a believer that when you put positive vibes into the universe they come back to you. I am putting these beliefs to the test now, more than ever, in hopes that a miracle will heal my brother. The more positive vibes, the better, so if you have a spare second to send some positivity our way, just know that I will be forever grateful for even having us in your thoughts. By the same token, I am sending positive vibes to you, dear reader, for the hardships that you may be facing in your life.

No matter what they are, whether they’re a small dip in the road, or an inconceivably tall mountain, stay positive and believe that everything will be okay. & Issue 09 | 63

i

sleep i dream WORDS & IMAGES BY JAMIE TEMPLETON

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LONG, DAILY COMMUTES to work can be a soul crushing affair. Made all the worse by a defiant struggle to make it something better than it really is. The struggle takes many forms; becoming an opportunity for personal growth like, "I'm going to learn a new language", or it becomes a productive extension of the workday, or better still, audio books. I've "read" so many audio books.

Options are limited if you drive, but if you are among the rail commuters of New York City, your options include; reading actual books, watching movies on your laptop, working – in this group I've identified, lawyers, musicians, book editors, financial folk, teachers, construction workers and kitchen staff – or knitting, drinking, eating breakfast on the way in and dinner on the ride home, or just sleeping.

I've tried all of the above during my commuting hours, the equivalent of an entire lifetime in dog years. But it wasn't until I read a statement by another photographer who said "photograph what you can't escape", that I started photographing on the train and really watching my fellow commuters. No longer turning inward to entertain myself, or to work, I've watched and photographed and found a way to lessen the struggle through a creative effort.

I do love to capture someone whose body has completely surrendered to the bench seat. Head dropped to one side with shoulders slumped. Hands with palms up, wrists resting on the thighs and eyes closed.

I’m particularly drawn to certain individuals I’ve photographed before, capturing them at different times of the year as the light changes with the season. And even though I often feel like a stalker, watching, sneaking a photo here and there as they shift in their seat, I do my best to not disturb them. They deserve to be respected for the effort they make, riding the commuter rail every day.

My connection to these people is a little deeper now. The photos are never taken with the intent to belittle, embarrass or in any way make light of them. I have over time, developed a broader view of this photo series and think of it as a kind of self portrait, by repeating the photo portraiture of sleeping commuters, as we make the same trip together day after day. &

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I DO LOVE TO CAPTURE SOMEONE,

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WHOSE BODY HAS COMPLETELY SURRENDERED TO THE BENCH SEAT

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THE GIFT OF TRAVELING LIGHT IS TRAVELING FAR WORDS BY JOHANNA TROPIANO / IMAGES BY BRIAN TROPIANO & YOON KIM

EACH OF US has a calling on our lives. For many of us, traumatic events bump up against that calling and can prevent us from moving forward. My calling is to be a voice and advocate for victims of abuse and domestic violence. I have had the incredible honor to co-found an organization called, The MEND Project. We seek to empower and bring about holistic healing to victims, educate the surrounding communities, and model pathways to healing for perpetrators through supportive accountability. For each of us it is important that we identify and reject those things that hold us back and keep us from pursuing what we were created for.

until later in life. One thing I do know from my earliest memories, was that I was never normal.

I stopped sleeping when I was four because I was terrified of the dark, and I suffered from nightmares. I even struggled with depression and, unlike most little children, I was never joyful or innocent. But I never understood why.

There have been three major times in my life where I have had to shed dead weight in order to travel light toward my calling. My hope is that as you read my story, it resonates with you.

And just like that, the memories came flooding back. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. But at the same time, it became very clear that the shame I had always felt, was a direct result of the abuse. And I at that moment, I had to make the choice to move forward.

The first instance was in my mid-20’s.

I had to overcome the dead weight of intense shame that came from the trauma of child sexual assault I experienced as a little girl. I was first abused when I was four and again when I was twelve. Two totally unrelated and yet equally tragic experiences. However, like many victims of child sexual assault, I repressed my memories 70 | Holl & Lane Magazine

The turning point came in my mid20s. I was up late one night, unable to sleep and crying out like so many nights before, “What is wrong with me, why am I like this?” And for the first time I said these words out loud: “I act like someone who has been abused.”

You see, I believe that shame is what keeps us from being vulnerable, and I knew that in order to shed the dead weight from that shame, I had to be vulnerable, and so…… I made a call. ›

AS I LET GO OF MY SHAME FROM THE ABUSE, I WAS ABLE TO TRAVEL LIGHTER TOWARD THIS NEW CALLING. Issue 09 | 71

I called a friend and told her what had happened to me. I remember shaking as I spoke to her because I was so scared. But her compassionate response gave me courage. Her acknowledgment of my abuse helped me cast off some of that shame and gave me the courage to tell my mentor. Opening up to my mentor gave me the courage to find a therapist. Telling my therapist helped me to tell my parents. And as I shed more shame and became more vulnerable, and shared my story with more people and who loved and accepted me, I began to heal.

And so, against the wishes of my family and friends, I married him. I married him knowing something was wrong, knowing he was not right for me, but hoping he would one day change. I was married to him for eight long years.

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It was as I healed that I could see a new calling on my life to bring restoration to other victims of abuse.

So I began to actively pursue this new calling. My friend’s and family’s response to my trauma with compassion enabled me to heal and move forward. This is also the heart and soul behind The MEND Project. As I let go of my shame from the abuse, I was able to travel lighter toward this new calling.

However, healing from the shame of my sexual abuse during my marriage, was the catalyst that showed me just how dire my circumstances were. And I knew once again, that I was called to something else, something greater.

I needed to get out of my abusive marriage.

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The second piece of dead weight I had to shed was the expectations of family, friends, and church. I am divorced. And getting a divorce in my small Southern community was the worst sin a person could commit.

A “Christian” woman was never allowed to leave her husband. Regardless of the circumstance.

My ex-husband abused me. He abused me emotionally, verbally, sexually, and on one occasion physically.

I was attending college at the height of my struggle with self hatred and shame. I was in full-on rebellion, experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I was a lost girl searching for a purpose. But searching in the wrong places.

And then I met my ex husband, who was totally different from me. He played on the baseball team; had a perfect grade point average; never once smoked or drank; everyone loved and respected him. And he liked me, the really messed up party girl. Unfortunately, nothing was as it seemed.

As I began to tell my family and friends and pastors all that was going on behind closed doors, I was shocked and traumatized by their responses. They told me I couldn’t get a divorce, that I needed to pray for strength. They told me I needed to be a more submissive, a more loving wife, then God would change him through my example. Their destructive words actually kept me in the abuse and even emboldened my abuser. They minimized my pain and struggle and made it seem as if I brought it on myself. And divorce was NOT an option.

I felt that I had no one to turn to for help.

So after nearly eight long years of praying for strength, of trying to be better, of working hard to follow the so-called “Christian counsel” of my pastors and friends, and the abuse just worsening and becoming more violent, I knew I had to do something else.

I finally went to a male therapist for the first time while my husband was away for two months working. I needed a man's perspective. I needed to know: were my failures as a wife worth the onslaught of abuse I encountered every day and night? The answer was a resounding NO! He was horrified at what my ex husband was doing and saying to me. It was the first time in my life that a man expressed anger at my abuse.

So together we began to develop a plan to confront my ex-husband, and for me to get out safely.

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The abuse started pretty quickly in our dating relationship. But for the first time in my life the destructive words he spoke to me (“you are an idiot, moron, you're mean, you're selfish, you're worthless, you can’t do anything right, you should be grateful that I even put up with you”)…..for the first time in my life, those words rang true. Those were the words I grew up telling myself, the words I believed about myself, and it was like, finally, someone recognized the truth about who I am!

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What I found was that leaving my abusive husband was the easy part, I was desperate for freedom and safety in an increasingly violent marriage. However failing to meet the expectations of my family, friends, and church, and their views of marriage was punishing.

I lost friendships and was rejected by my pastors. Still to this day, nearly five years later, I struggle with the additional trauma and abuse they inflicted on me during that time. I work daily to let go of the expectations they placed on me and my marriage. I had to embrace my truth in spite of their disbelief. ›

What we know through our work at The MEND Project is that negative responses to trauma like I received, cause additional pain and suffering, and people must learn how to respond to trauma with compassion rather than judgement. Miraculously, I pushed through despite the wrong expectations forced on me, and I left. I knew that in order to travel light toward my calling, I had to let them go and pursue freedom for myself.

clear to me that I needed a partner in this work of justice I was pursuing. This calling is too difficult to pursue alone.

I had faced tremendous rejection from my ex-husband and also my friends and church and even my family. While it took letting go of other's expectations of me to leave my ex-husband; in order for me to understand and TRUST the acceptance that was being offered to me in Brian, I had to let go of the pressure I placed on myself to be perfect and whole before any man could ever love me again. I had to shed the dead weight of my fear of rejection.

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The last weight to shed is the most recent and still ongoing. It is shedding the dead weight of rejection. I had just moved to DC to get away from my ex-husband and to work in anti-trafficking. I was thriving in my new career. For the first time in my life I was totally free to pursue this new calling on my life free of abuse, free of shame, and wrong expectations. All the pain and trauma I had been through were starting to make sense in the work I was doing.

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And I enjoyed being single! I loved my strong girlfriends. We were a group of women who were ready to change the world for good! The last thing I was looking for was to get married. And to be honest, I didn’t really even like men that much at this point.

Then I was thrown a curveball.

I met Brian.

Through a genuine friendship with Brian, I found myself opening up to him in ways I hadn’t opened up to anyone else. I told him all about my abuse and my divorce, and how damaged I felt by all of it.

I told him about my fears, that no good man would ever want me because of my past, and I was surprised at how he responded. He was righteously angry for me over all that happened. He was compassionate and kind.

And to my amazement, knowing all of that about me, he asked me on a date!

Traveling light and letting go of the enormous burden to be healed and perfect has enabled us to begin a strong and hopeful new marriage. And a new calling in helping those, like me, who are affected by domestic violence, and face disbelief from their community.

In closing, what I have found over the last 11 years of my life, is that the gift of traveling light is traveling far. I am constantly amazed and grateful at how far shedding the dead weights of shame, expectations, and rejection has allowed me to travel.

And the amazing thing is that I see these themes culminate in my work every day at The MEND Project. For every man, woman, or child we work with who finds the courage to address an abusive relationship; for every leader or family member or friend who learns how to respond to victims of abuse with compassion and empathy; for each individual, like me, who sheds their own dead weight in order to move forward toward their calling, I am humbled. Because all of them, like me, must learn to travel light to travel far.

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At first I was paralyzed. NO WAY was I ready for that. I had so much more healing to do. I didn’t want to put all of my baggage on another person. But during the course of our relationship, I had this revelation: I will never be fully healed in this life, but the man out there for me would be strong and secure enough to handle it. At that time, it became

Letting go of shame and embracing vulnerability; letting go of expectations in pursuit of the truth; and facing rejection with a sense of hope--these are lessons I am learning so far in my story, and these are my prayers for you, as you seek your calling, as well. & Learn more about The Mend Project at themendproject.us

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LIQUID GOLD WORDS & IMAGES BY MELISSA CROOKS

MY BREASTFEEDING JOURNEY has been just that, a journey with highs and lows and everything in between. I had never thought or prepared myself for how emotionally difficult it would be.

never heard of milk donation, I had been a blood donor since high school, I am a registered bone marrow donor and an organ donor so I didn’t think twice about starting the donation process.

From our first days and weeks of our son’s new life every nursing session ended with either myself in tears or my son - with a good portion of the time both of us. As my son was not able to latch for a full nursing session until six weeks old I had quickly become good friends with my breast pump. I heard about milk donation at my six week postpartum appointment with our son. As I was a first time mom I wasn’t really sure how much was a typical amount of breast milk to express so I just kept pumping. Only later when I was speaking with my OBGYN and I told him about how much I was pumping, he mentioned that milk donation was something I should consider. I couldn’t believe that I had

As I read stories from mothers who donated and mothers whose babies received donor milk I knew that I wanted to help. Unfortunately, due to the amount of caffeine I was consuming at the time as a new mom I was unable to donate but it didn’t stop me from talking about it with whomever would listen. I had decided when the time came if I was lucky enough to have another baby I would be donating my extra milk. As luck would have it 3 years after our son was born we found out that we were expecting our daughter. While I was still pregnant I contacted the St. Luke’s Milk Bank in Kansas City, Missouri to see what I would need to do to make sure that I would be able to donate. ›

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The donor registration was simple, it started with an over the phone interview regarding my habits as far as if I smoked, if and what medications I took, amount of caffeine I consumed and other general health questions. After I had passed the initial screening I received a more in depth packet that was filled out by myself and my OBGYN regarding my health before and after pregnancy. My OBGYN also performed the blood draw required.

Once I became an approved donor I received storage bags, a special shipping freezer box and prepaid labels. As I was already pumping for my daughter, pumping to send donations to the milk bank didn’t take any additional time, energy or effort and it was a relief to know that my milk would be used for someone that was truly in need.

When I sent my first shipment I had a hard time letting go, packing my milk made me anxious, worrying that the ice packs wouldn’t last as I didn’t have access to dry ice, worrying that the box would get lost in the mail. I tracked my milk packages constantly refreshing the screen to see if my milk had been dropped and signed for. The moment of relief when I not only saw that it had been delivered but the milk bank sent me an email confirming that my milk had arrived, I felt I could finally breathe.

I knew that I wanted to try to donate as long as my daughter was nursing and while the local milk bank took only up to the child’s first birthday the Milk Bank of Indiana would take milk until a baby’s 2nd birthday.

The Milk Bank of Indiana had started creating milk depots in the St. Louis area. A milk depot is a location that has a special freezer that is only for milk donation and employees have been trained on how to accept and document milk donations to ensure that the milk is shipped safely and correctly to the milk bank. Milk depots can be hospitals, doctor’s offices or like the one I decided to use that was a store very active in the breastfeeding community. Approved donors would go to a location and “drop” their milk. Once they had a large shipment they would bulk ship multiple donor’s milk. For myself this took a lot of the anxiety away of shipping my milk. In my area I was not able to easily get dry ice which is the best source of keeping breast milk frozen while shipping.

I was able to use freezer packs but every shipment was very stressful as I had worked so hard to pump that extra milk and I was almost in tears if an ounce spilled or was wasted.

As my daughters first birthday approached we were still nursing and I was still able to pump at least an extra 5-10 ounces a day. I contacted the Milk Bank of Indiana who was able to move all my paper work over from the local milk bank without any issues. Both of the milk banks that I worked with were very friendly, knowledgeable and willing to go above and beyond to answer any questions that I might have.

I speak often and openly about my struggles with breastfeeding as well my experiences with milk donation.

I want people to know that breastfeeding is hard and it is a commitment that takes you from your highest highs to your lowest lows, all within a matter of a few hours. I want people to know that donating milk is no different than donating blood. That it needs to be brought up as an option just like cord blood banking or donation. That for babies that are most in need breast milk is sometimes the only option that can bring them home to their families.

I documented my milk shipments on social media to encourage and bring awareness. If I hadn’t spoken to my OBGYN about the amount of milk I had extra I would have never known milk donation was an option. Since documenting my milk drops on social media I have had friends ask more about nursing, ask about the donation process and I even found out that one of my friend’s daughters was born premature and used donor milk! While it wasn’t my milk her thankfulness and kind words that she expressed to me confirmed that what I had done was the right choice.

Nursing was an emotionally harder experience than I had ever thought and with that in mind I feel it was the driving force as to why I had to donate. I couldn’t help but think if I was feeling these emotions so strongly, mothers who are not able to provide for their children must feel utterly lost. This was something that no amount of money could buy or fix - it had to come from another mother. I still have a few bags of milk that are expired that I wasn’t able to send due to some medications I had to take at one point. I can’t throw them away, even though my baby is now 2 and she has not nursed since she was 20 months old. There is no need to keep them and they aren’t “good” to anyone at this point. But I see them at the bottom of my freezer and it makes me feel proud. Proud that I was able to help a mother, proud that I helped a baby get well enough to go home to its family, and proud that I was able to pump over 1300 ounces of breastmilk. &

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POSTCARDS FROM IRELAND My husband and I traveled to Ireland this May to visit our good friends, and the country was even more incredible than we were expecting. We were able to see the cities of Dublin, Dingle, Killarney, and Galway within two weeks, but I would recommend staying longer if possible...our trip wasn’t nearly long enough to satisfy our wanderlust. If you’re able to go (and I sincerely hope you are), be sure to see as much of the countryside and the coasts as you can; you won’t be able to put your camera down!

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We enjoyed a tour that took us to this stunning beach on the Dingle Peninsula, near Slea Head.

The water was the bluest I've ever seen, and the mist made the view even more beautiful.

WORDS & IMAGES BY MOLLY WANTLAND

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To our surprise, Ireland had a surprising amount of healthy, light meals. We absolutely loved the parfait bar breakfast at our favorite B & B, Pax House in Dingle.

I could go on and on about Pax House and the wonderful accommodations, but trust me - if you travel to Ireland, make a point to stay there!

Near the end of our trip, we made the trek (including a lengthy ferry ride) to the Aran Island of Inishmore. Much of the land there is untouched, which made it almost reverent to be standing on. A mustexperience.

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I'm thankful that my husband was brave enough to rent a car and drive on (what Americans consider) the wrong side of the road, because we wouldn't have gotten to see the Wicklow Mountains otherwise. We spent a day driving through this range, and stopped often for pictures and to explore.

Breathtaking!

After our visit to Ross Castle in Killarney, we rented a jaunting car to take us back to the hotel. By far, the most fun transportation we had!

Downtown Dingle simply couldn't have been cuter. We spent hours walking the streets, popping in different shops and pubs - all painted in the most vibrant colors.

Be sure to visit Murphy's Ice Cream!

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REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB.

AMY COOK, Books Wife and mother by day, nerdy bookworm by night. Her superpower is substitute teaching preschoolers. Lover of wine, literature, pie, and all things Gone With The Wind. instagram.com/amy1939

ERICA MUSYT, Movies Erica is a 30-something Virginia native who is passionate about family, friends, and the movies! She buys books faster than she reads them, loves ladybugs and all things purple. A movie star at heart, Erica is delighted to be a contributor to the Holl and Lane movie section! lookingtothestars.com

MICAH CHAPLIN, Music By day, Micah works in the insurance industry, but she’s also a part-time librarian and bartender.

She is an author and blogger with a passion for baseball, music, and craft beer. A native Iowan, she goes to more concerts than movies and occasionally serves as merch girl for musicians passing through her city. unabashedly--me.blogspot.com KELLY AGNEW, Recipes Millennial, yoga enthusiast, flexitarian, healthy eater and exercise addict. Kelly is a marketer by day and a lifestyle blogger by night. She is passionate about inspiring women to take control of their lives by balancing nutrition, exercise and general well-being. She shares her stories in hopes to inspire others to live holistically and fully. kmnutritionandwellness.com

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CATHERINE SHORT, Recipes

Lifestyle blogger, full-time adventurer and amateur baker. In her blog, a short blonde, she shares musings on life, style, adventures in gluten-free baking and beyond. She strives to live more graciously than yesterday and to grow in her faith each day. For Catherine, it’s important to stretch her mind, travel far and always have a stash of dark chocolate. ashortblonde.com CHRISTINE SIMARD, Recipes

Originally from Ottawa, Canada, now living with her husband in San Francisco, California. She earned her certification in the Pastry Arts at the San Francisco Cooking School and trained in a California-style restaurant. With a desire to spread her knowledge and love of food, she teaches kids and adults how to cook fun and healthy meals on a budget. gourmetine.com

JOYCE MAC Recipes

Joyce loves that wow factor that pastries and sweets get at first sight. Originally from Sydney, Australia, she trained in the arts of patisserie and baking in Chicago. Her main focus in the food world is transforming edible desserts into magnificent artworks, and her inspiration comes from her love for travel, flowers and colors. instagram.com/figmentbelly

JESS TURNER Recipes

Food and Wellness blogger. In her blog she shares her low FODMAP, alkali and allergy friendly recipes. A keen traveller Jess has worked in London, Hong Kong and now lives in San Francisco.

She is passionate about delicious food and is training to become a Nutritionist consultant to inform her interest in healthy eating for the individual. www.cravinggoodness.com

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HOLL & LANE PHOTOGRAPHERS FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB.

NICOLE BEDARD Photographer

Nicole is a Commercial, Editorial and Lifestyle Photographer focusing on Family and Children. She began her photography career in the sports/fitness industry, which has provided her a unique skill set to capture quick playful moments and fun facial expressions of energetic little ones. nicolebedardphotography.com

JACKY MITRIUS Photographer

Jacky is a Los Angeles-based natural light lifestyle photographer who specializes in candid family photography. Her images reflect the genuinely loving, spontaneous, and perfectly imperfect moments in life, and her documentary-style photos preserve what makes each family special. howlandrose.com

MOLLY WANTLAND Photographer

Molly is a family and portrait photographer in Middle Tennessee, with a love for family, friends, and Oldies music. Her intent in each session is to photograph real personalities, genuine emotions, and those ‘small moments’ that make life so sweet! simplyMphotography.com

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GENESIS GEIGER Photographer

Genesis is a lifestyle and natural light photographer currently roaming Cincinnati, OH. In her work, she is moved by the quiet moments that sometimes go unnoticed, determined to capture the details that can get lost in the excitement, and completely captivated by the love that can be shared among humanity. Through it all, Genesis’ passion is to freeze time and bring people together through her work. genesisgeiger.com JESSI CHAPMAN Photographer

Jessi is a lifestyle & fashion photographer based out of Oklahoma City. Her goal with each session is to capture her client’s most beautiful self. instagram.com/jessi.chapman

MADELINE MULLENBACH Photographer

Madeline is based in Louisville, Ky and attending school in Lexington, Ky. She has a passion for capturing the candid moments that are given to us in life. She is a lifestyle & landscape photographer experimenting with portraits just recently! She is pursuing a degree in Communications with a double emphasis in PR and Social Media and is excited to see where this takes her! instagram.com/madelinemullenbach

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ISSUE CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB. Editorial Contributors AMY COOK instagram.com/amy1939/ ANNA KING peoplehope.org BARBARA TOWN townlifestyleanddesign.com BRIAN TROPIANO briantropiano.com BROOKE TAELOR brooketaelor.com CATHERINE SHORT ashortblonde.com CHRISTINE SIMARD gourmetine.com DR. HALEY ADAMS thesilentheroes.org ERICA MUSYT lookingtothestars.com EMILY ZECK instagram.com/thatpineapplegirl JAMIE TEMPLETON jamie-templeton.com/ JANICE LOMBARDI instagram.com/janicelombardidesigns JENNIFER DUDLEY JESSICA DOWNEY chaoticcollected.com JESS TURNER cravinggoodness.com JOHANNA TROPIANO themendproject.us JORDAN SHORT instagram.com/jordandshort

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JOYCE MAC instagram.com/figmentbelly KELLY AGNEW kmnutritionandwellness.com LAURA DEBERLE lauradeberle.com MIA SUTTON thechroniclesofchaos.com MICAH CHAPLIN unabashedly--me.blogspot.com MELISSA CROOKS MOLLY WANTLAND simplyMphotography.com MONIQUE McHUGH moniquemchugh.com NICK MALBURG thesurznickcommonroom.com RACHEL LEBEAU theheartmag.com REBECCA JAFFE rebeccajimagery.com SARAH WISSINGER thesurznickcommonroom.com YOLANDY MICHEL yomiphotovideo.com YOON KIM Photo Contributors COVER PHOTO: JACKY MITRIUS howlandrose.com PAGE 44 - JESSI CHAPMAN instagram.com/jessi.chapman PAGE 82 - GENESIS GEIGER genesisgeiger.com PAGE 84 - MADELINE MULLENBACH instagram.com/madelinemullenbach

5 QUESTIONS WITH

R ACH E L L E B E AU Rachel L ebeau i s the creator of Hear t Magazine, a magazine focu s ed on lov ing yours elf more, accepting your imper fec tions, and building each other up. Star ted in 2014 af ter her s on Henr y was diag nos ed w ith hear t di s eas e, Rachel has helped many women feel connec ted and capable. thehear tmag.com

1. If you could relive any moment from your past, what would it be?

If I could relive any moment from my past, it would be my 5th grade graduation. When I was in first grade, we moved to Colorado, away from all of our family. I remember always badly wanting my Texas family to come and visit and see my new life, but the opportunity never came to fruition until 5th grade. I badly wanted my dad to come, but he was unable. So instead, my grandparents made the trip. They weren’t the most able-bodied, but they made the 12 hour trek to sit proudly as I crossed the stage. I’ll always remember taking them around town (me not knowing any real directions on how to get places) and seeing the sights, swimming in their hotel pool. It was one of my proudest moments and now as an adult, I can recognize what a huge sacrifice it was for them to be there. I view it now as one of the most selfless things that anyone has done for me. Both my Mema and Papa are gone now, but I know that if we could sit across the table from each other again, they’d tell me they are proud of the girl I grew up to be. And I know that that girl is here because of them and the way they loved me.

2. What is one talent you don’t have but wish you did?

If I could improve my talents, I’d like to be a dancer. I can tear it up in the living room with the best of them, but I’d love to be a real dancer. I cry every single time I watch So You Think You Can Dance because there’s such strength and beauty, and such a unique way to express yourself through dance. Also I dream that I’d have a dancer’s body which would be, you know, fantastic.

3. What is the most important characteristic in another person to you?

The characteristic I look for most in other people is genuine empathy. I think the ability to imagine ourselves in the shoes of someone else is paramount to a kinder, safer world. If you can look at someone and understand that their story, their potential, their greatness is so much bigger than what you see on the surface, you can learn to love almost anyone. As a teacher, I saw so many broken kids--so many people who’d been cast aside and undervalued. And all they really needed was to be seen. All they needed was for someone to recognize that they had something to contribute.

It’s easy to look at others and assume we know who they are, no doubt about it. But there needs to be more than that.

There need people who believe that small steps like loving another person are worth the time and effort.

4. What is one material thing you cannot live without?

There’s no way I could live without my Anastasia eyebrow gear. Just no possible way. It’s shameful how bad I need it.

But I need it.

5. What is true happiness to you?

True happiness is knowing that you are loved and are safe to play your cards. Like, truly safe to be who you are, feel how you feel, go for big dreams and fall on your face. To ugly cry and to say things you shouldn’t and to know that through it all, you’ll be OK. It’s bliss to find this kind of love from another person, but it is happiness to find it in yourself. To decide that you are OK, no matter what comes for you, that you can handle this, no matter what this is, to find peace in who you are, where you’ve been, what’s been done and what hasn’t--that’s contentment. That’s being truly happy.

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