Holl & Lane, Issue 10 Preview (Family)

HOLL AND LANE THE HO M E F O R BE AUT IFUL CONV E RSAT IONS

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TEAM SARAH HARTLEY Creator / Editor in Chief sarahhartley.net editor@hollandlanemag.com

MIA SUTTON Editorial Manager thechroniclesofchaos.com stories@hollandlanemag.com

JESS DOWNEY Media Manager chaoticcollected.com

AMY BENNETT Editorial Assistant abigailamira.com

MELODY MITCHELL PR Intern facebook.com/MelodyMichelleMitchell

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CONTACT For press and advertising inquiries, contact hollandlanepress@gmail.com For contributions, contact stories@hollandlanemag.com For stockists, contact editor@hollandlanemag.com

ABOUT We’re starting a movement towards more honest media, giving your voice and stories a platform to share your honest lives.

SOCIAL

L instagram.com/hollandlanemag I facebook.com/hollandlanemag J twitter.com/hollandlanemag M pinterest.com/hollandlanemag The opinions expressed within each article do not necessarily represent those of the Holl & Lane team.

HOLL AND LANE

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Cover Photo by JANE ANNE BARKER: instagram.com/barkerjaneanne 4 | HOLL & LANE MAGAZINE

INSIDE HOLL & LANE, ISSUE 10 12 14 24 32 34 44 48 56 62 64 66 76 80 87 88 90 94

CHILDHOOD VALUES SHAM OF THE PERFECT JUNIPER’S HEART SIX LITTLE LETTERS BLACK, WHITE & BRIGHT ALL OVER THE LOVE OF TWO DADS: AN ADOPTION STORY THE VALUES OF HAITI SILENT VOICES FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE WORKING MOM HOW TO DECORATE WITH FAMILY HEIRLOOMS MY ICELANDIC JOURNEY DEFINING HOPE THE BOY WHO CHANGED MY LIFE BUCHE DE NOEL DREAMING OF A WHITE KITCHEN WHEN YOUR PARENTS SPLIT (AS AN ADULT) POSTCARDS FROM LOUISVILLE

IN EVERY ISSUE 6 7 8 9 102 104 105

EDITOR’S NOTE H&L GIRL THE LIST THE STORY BEHIND THE SONG REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS ISSUE CONTRIBUTORS 5 QUESTIONS WITH...

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EVER WONDER ABOUT THE NAME “HOLL & LANE”?

The name is a play on the cross streets of my first home - an intersection of two of my big dreams coming together - running my own magazine, and owning my own home. Holl & Lane is a place where dreams come true and real conversations are had.

EDITOR’S LETTER FOR ME, GROWING UP was a lesson in the dynamics of family.

I had one “real” brother with which I shared a mother and father, and three half-siblings, with which I shared a father. My “real” brother and I grew up in the same house, but we didn’t see much of our half-siblings as we got older. We lived in different towns, leading very different lives and with the exception of our genetics, didn’t have much in common.

But as we moved into adulthood and began having families of our own, something in us shifted and we began to seek one another out. We began making an effort. And so it was with this effort that we found ourselves all together in Las Vegas for my oldest brother’s 40th birthday this past February. It was the first time the five of us had been on a vacation together (ever!), the first time a few of us had ever been in Vegas, and the first time that we were standing up and saying “Yes, we want a real relationship”.

It feels as if that trip was a turning point in our relationship and now my siblings and I don’t take one another for granted.

Family is a tricky thing, especially around the holidays when we’re often packed together with forced cheer raining down. But through it all, I urge you to take a look around and see who is sitting next to you. Remember what your family means to you.

Make an effort.

This issue is all about family. The shared values, the complicated relationships, the love and loss that we experience. But through it all, I encourage you to remember who your family is - whether they’re genetically your family, or your best friends since college.

Family is something to be treasured.

Sarah Hartley Editor in Chief 6 | HOLL & LANE MAGAZINE

FAMILY IS NOT AN IMPORTANT THING. IT’S EVERYTHING. - MICHAEL J. FOX

THE HOLL & LANE GIRL

DEVAN DANIELLE The H&L Girl Is: Creative, smart and capable, she is strong and uses her passions to help others. She enjoys being a part of something bigger than herself. She is innovative and professional but knows how to have a good time. The H&L Girl is modern, genuine and brave.

“I WANT TO EMPOWER WOMEN to go after their scary, crazy dreams. I want to show others that it is possible to break away from what you know or what society deems as “normal.” I want others to know that it’s okay to want more, dream big, redefine success for themselves, and make a living doing something they’re crazy passionate about.” This is the “why” behind the business for Devan Danielle, founder of her own coaching business of the same name, and the Bold Belonging community.

Growing up in Green Bay, Wisconsin, Devan dreamed of working in the art field and owning her own business. But with a family of typical 9-5’ers, she knew she’d have to figure it out on her own. Various online communities and groups allowed her the chance to gather more understanding about owning her own company, and provided her exactly the support that she needed. Now, she gives back in the same way.

Her Bold Belonging community is filled with creative women “collectively working towards having the passion to wake up and make the bold decision to do what we love everyday and help others in the process.” Within the group, Devan has found other small business owners who dream of living their life boldly, who dream of turning their “scary, crazy” dreams into reality. And Devan is there to help them every step of the way.

Success, In Her Words: Success to me is living life and running my business on my own terms. I want my work to be a huge part of my life, but not my whole life. I want to enjoy camping, paddle boarding, biking, and hiking adventures with my husband. I want to travel as much as possible — whether it’s to speak at conferences for my business, move for my husband’s job, go on vacation in a new state or country, or simply travel to spend time with family and friends. I want to empower others to go after their scary dreams and build the life for themselves that they’ve always wanted. Basically, I want to be the next Brene Brown.

INTERVIEW BY SARAH HARTLEY // WORDS & IMAGES PROVIDED BY DEVAN DANIELLE

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THE LIST : FAMILY On Our Bookshelf

On Our Playlist

WORDS BY AMY COOK

WORDS BY MICAH CHAPLIN

LITTLE WOMEN

by Louisa May Alcott You can’t have a discussion about literary families without including the March sisters. Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy set the standard for sibling rivalry and closeness. Through happiness and heartache these four girls remind us that at the end of the day, family is what really matters.

THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS

by Vanessa Diffenbaugh Victoria Jones has just turned 18 and has been released as a ward of the state. After 32 foster homes in 18 years, Victoria has to take care of herself. Using the knowledge she gained from a former foster mom about the meaning behind flowers, she takes a job in a florist shop and quickly gets noticed for the bouquets with hidden messages she puts together for customers. When someone from her past arrives unexpectedly, her entire world changes. How does someone who has never had a family create one for herself ?

MY GRANDMOTHER ASKED ME TO TELL YOU SHE’S SORRY

by Fredrik Backman This is the story of Elsa, a seven-year-old girl who is far beyond her years, and whose best friend is her Granny.

Her Granny tells her fantastical stories about life in The Land of Almost-Awake. It isn’t until her Granny passes away that Elsa learns that the stories may be more fact than fiction and that her Granny had more secrets than she let on. Elsa sets off to help her grandmother apologize to those she had wronged and learns that above all else, family is something to be protected.

“FAMILY IS FAMILY” Kacey Musgraves “FAMILY” Matt Wertz “ROOTS & WINGS” Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers “DON’T FORGET TO REMEMBER ME” Carrie Underwood “HE DIDN’T HAVE TO BE” Brad Paisley “LOVE WITHOUT END, AMEN” George Strait “MAMA’S LOVING HEART” Tony Lucca “ALWAYS LOVE YOU” Tyrone Wells “I WONDER” Kellie Pickler “JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE” Phil Vassar

On Our Screen

WORDS BY ERICA MUSYT

BFG Come along on a grand adventure with Sophie as she meets the Big Friendly Giant. Sophie soon discovers that the 24-foot man is quite charming and sweet. When their friendly adventure begins to attract unwanted attention from some not-so-friendly giants, Sophie and the BFG travel to London in search of help from Queen Victoria!

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ZOOTOPIA Zootopia is a mammal city where all kinds of animals live and work. Judy Hopps has dreamed of becoming a police rabbit ever since she was a bunny. Being small, however, she’s been teased about her dreams her whole life. When Judy becomes one of Zootopia’s police officers she takes on a mysterious case to prove herself to the team. Unfortunately she’s going to have to work with a sly fox named Nick Wilde that will make her job even harder!

MINIONS Minions live to serve a master. Since the beginning of time they have had trouble keeping a master due to evolution, such as the T-Rex. Upon falling into a deep depression with no master to serve, one minion has a plan. Kevin, along with Stuart and Bob, set a course to find a new evil master to serve. Their search leads them to Villain-Con and the SuperVillainess, Scarlet Overkill.

Congratulations on your new single, "Twilight Blue". What was the inspiration behind the song?

The writers were trying to convey vulnerability, like a love letter, to someone who was physically far away. I think the song really does express that. It’s very personal.

How would you describe your songwriting process?

It changes every time! I often write with co-writers but I often go into session with a lyrical or melodic idea. I write a lot in the shower. I just start by singing a melody that’s been stuck in my head and then kind of attaching words that sound nice with it until I figure out the basic premise of the song.

Sometimes it can be much easier to write without paper in front of you because there’s less pressure - but I have to immediately record what I came up with into voice memos when I get out or else I’ll forget it forever - I’ve definitely done that before.

STORY BEHIND THE SONG WITH:

ALICE KRISTIANSEN Getting recognized for your musical talents is no small feat. But when actor Ashton Kutcher shares your video on Facebook, you become an overnight sensation. That’s what happened to Alice Kristiansen last year, at just 20 years old, when he shared a video of hers. Her following grew to over 18.5 million views and has continued to grow since.

Born in England and growing up in NYC, Alice was discovered through YouTube at age 16 by her current manager, Mark Conklin. With her newest effort, Twilight Blue, Alice has moved away from her acoustic roots and is branching out into electronic elements within her indie pop brand.

We had the chance to talk with Alice about her newest single as well as her longtime influences.

WORDS BY ALICE KRISTIANSEN // INTERVIEW BY MIA SUTTON

You've covered some really great artists on your YouTube channel, everyone from Fleetwood Mac to Sia to Lana Del Rey. Who are some of your biggest musical influences?

My dad listened to a lot of Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and Nat King Cole when I was growing up. That was the first music I really sang, and I think it provided a nice base… they’re all amazing singers. I discovered artists like Joni Mitchell and Fleetwood Mac much later on by myself. I found Lana Del Rey in high school and she’s definitely been a big influence - I love the production on her music.

What message would you want your fans to have about your music?

I hope they love it! I think it’s a little bit of a departure from what I do with my YouTube channel - but there’s definitely a common thread throughout both.

If you get stranded on a deserted island and could only listen to music by one artist, who would it be and why?

This is such a difficult question!! I’ve always loved Bon Iver, but there’s also a time for Kanye West… I’d need to pick at least five artists, you need different music for different moods. And my favorite artist is always changing! Right now I’m really into Jarryd James and Aurora. &

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ADVERTORIAL

OLIVE KOHL JEWELRY When I saw this Issue of Holl & Lane would be themed around “family” I did a little happy dance. As a wife, mom, daughter and sister, family is something I couldn’t live without and sitting down to write this I actually surprised myself how much my family has truly played a role in my business, Olive Kohl Jewelry.

If you know me, you know that starting a business that revolves around pretty, sparkly things isn’t all that surprising. I’ve always been obsessed with jewelry and when I was younger I would collect so much jewelry that my friends would come over and ‘shop’ my closet so I could give away some of my stockpile. Those were the early days of my first #SparkleArsenal and not much has changed.

When I began tossing around the idea of starting a business. I reflected on how family, history and tradition have always been important to me and how I wanted those things to be part of my business. I needed to come up with a name first and foremost so I turned to my biggest supporter and cheerleader, my mom. I knew I wanted the business to somehow acknowledge the importance of family to me personally and to who I am as a business owner. Together, my mom and I came up with Olive Kohl.

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ADVERTORIAL

OLIVE KOHL JEWELRY The name ‘Olive Kohl’ incorporates both my mom’s and my dad’s side of our families and is very special to me. Olive is my great-great grandmother who died when she was only 27 years old from ovarian cancer. It is important for my mom and myself to keep her memory alive through stories and why we value awareness of women’s health.

Kohl is my dad’s last name and my maiden name. I’m so proud to be a lifetime member of the Kohl family and most of my fondest memories involve various members of this side of my family, particularly my brothers.

As business owners I know we sometimes agonize over decisions like name, colors, branding and more but this really was an easy decision for me and it helped me start Olive Kohl Jewelry on the right foot. Once I had a name that really meant something to me it made all other decisions easier to make. It sounds like a lot of other decisions in life doesn’t it? Once we figure out what we truly value, the other less important choices don’t seem as difficult to make.

Don’t get me wrong, I can (and totally do) get bogged down in the day-to-day checklist of what it takes to run a business. Sometimes I freak out about social media, sometimes my product photos are blurry and other times I’m embarrassed by the copy on my website. But when I step back and take in all I’ve accomplished over the last year, I’m proud of myself and of Olive Kohl Jewelry. If I forget who I am on the inside or what my values are; all I have to do is look at my business and I have a nice little logo that literally reminds me what really matters.

I hope this season brings you so much happiness and you make incredible memories with the people who really matter to you.

If you need a chat come find me on Instagram @olivekohljewelry or email me at: hello@olivekohl.com.

I also invite you to enjoy 40% off at OliveKohl.com with code: HL40

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Childhood Values WORDS & IMAGES BY CHRISTINE AMOROSO

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STILL LIVING IN the same town where I grew up, it’s not unusual for me to drive near my childhood home as I run errands or visit friends who live in that part of Huntington Beach. Sometimes, I take a deep breath, glance in its direction and smile. More often, I cannot resist the opportunity to take a slow pass around Shell Harbor Circle, the street where I grew up.

Entering the tract of homes from what my family referred to as the back way, I take three left turns until I reach the familiar cul de sac. I am grateful that not much has changed. Sure there have been upgrades in landscape, windows and paint, but I can still see the old roller skating paths, the secret places we hid from one another on warm summer nights, the grass patches that served as center stage for our gymnastic feats, and Zoe Ann’s garage, our theatre for endless musical performances.

It’s dinner time, not a soul outside.

I round the curve and stop in front of the largest house on the street, once home to the biggest family, a family of seven, my mom and dad, four girls and the youngest, a boy. Raised on granola, homemade bread, spaghetti and meatballs, and a healthy fear of a wooden spoon, we grew our own tomatoes, zucchini, mint and basil, had the occasional dog and always lots of cats.

Looking into the living room windows from my car, I wonder if anyone is looking back, have they seen me and my little black Prius on other drive by visits. I’m not concerned; instead I wonder how this family will grow up in this house. Suddenly, my own vivid memories like pictures flash before me, a kitchen full of girls clearing and washing dishes, my sisters and I comfortably squished into an easy chair, listening to my mom’s records and pouring over the album cover to memorize the lyrics, my little brother telling me the minute details of a cartoon or television show as I’m trying to do my

homework, chores, lots of chores, and Friday nights with The Brady Bunch, a big bowl of chips, and soda for each of us, happiness.

My sentimental soul embraces the sweet mix of joy and nostalgia, and my heart aches from the underlying sadness. Not every memory is happy. We had our share of problems, but our parents instilled in us a fierce loyalty to each other and to them, nothing was bigger, more worthy of protecting, or more important than our family. Looking up at the second floor windows, my eyes well with tears as I remember the last night we were gathered as a family in that room, bittersweet laughter and love filled the air as my mom and dad celebrated their last Valentine’s Day together.

No amount of loyalty or love could stop a heart attack from killing our dad the next day, and the five of us, strong, healthy, and most loving, watched helplessly, unable to protect our mom from the cancer that would take her life nine days later. Quickly and quite unexpectedly, we became a family of five.

After our parents’ passing, we felt cheated and devastated. Their deaths came like a sucker punch, unexpected and cruel. But in the years since, we reinvented our family.

The rock solid foundation our parents built helped us find strength and comfort in one another. We know now that they have never left us, as we see them in ourselves every day.

We laugh as we call each other by our parents’ names when one of us gives a look or makes a comment that brings our mom and dad back to life.

I’ve already lingered too long. Funny that a place that hasn’t been our family home in over eight years still beckons me to come inside. I want to walk through the door, find my dad in his den, and kiss him as he clicks away on his keyboard. I want to climb the stairs to find my mom sitting in her bed, solving a crossword puzzle.

I smile and slowly pull away. &

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sham

of the

perfect

WORDS BY ERIKA ROA, NATASHA KELLY, LACEY MONROE

IMAGE BY ELISA ELLIOT PHOTOGRAPHY

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IMAGE BY LACEY MONROE PHOTOGRAPHY PLEASE, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES AND TELL US HOW YOU ALL MET. Erika Roa - Owner & Operator of Little Fish Photo out of Poulsbo, Washington Natasha Kelly - Natasha Kelly Photography, Melbourne, Australia.

Lacey Monroe, Lacey Monroe Photography, Portland, Oregon.

We met in the fall of 2015 when we took an online class by Molly Flanagan together through the Define School.

WHY DID YOU START SHAM OF THE PERFECT? ERIKA: Sham of the Perfect was started as a collaborative project amongst photographers who had taken a special interest in the niche of documentary family photography as a way to help each other improve their craft, showcase their work, and build a small community of others with similar interests.

LACEY: We started Sham of the Perfect with a group of photographers who were all alumni from the same online class where we initially met. We wanted to continue the work we were developing in class and thought that by doing a collaborative project we could help hold each other grow as artists in a supportive environment. We wanted to focus on documentary family photography because as parents we all too often feel pressure to act or look a certain way, but our work is about approaching real family life from a place of non-judgement. There is no one way to be a family; some of us our messier, some are cleaner, some of us tend to be homebodies and some people prefer to spend more time outdoors. None of these ways of living is more valid or authentic than the other, what matters is each family’s truth and that is what we look to capture in our work.

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WHAT IS SHAM OF THE PERFECT'S PURPOSE? ERIKA: Our goal is to help change the conventional wisdom that beautiful, praise worthy family photographs can only be taken in clean, well decorated homes and by coaching the actions of the individuals being photographed. We believe that life, as it happens, is beautiful enough on its own and we are encouraging others to see that too.

LACEY: We want to show people that it is okay to share their real life, even if it doesn’t look like the “ideal” we are confronted with day in day out through advertising, social media, and television/movies. Social media in particular gives the impression of being a place to share real life, but as we know, more often than not feeds are highly curated showing you only the extreme highlights or moments that are constructed for public consumption and approval. All of this can leave a viewer feeling inadequate as their own lives don’t measure up to the stylized faux life that is easily conflated as being honest and authentic. We want Sham of the Perfect to be a place people can turn to that want to embrace real life and see the mess, the tears, the laughter, and all the moments that make up real life expertly photographed.

WHO ARE YOU HOPING TO REACH THROUGH SHAM OF THE PERFECT? ERIKA: We are hoping to reach everyone who owns a camera (hobbyists and professionals alike) and has been frustrated by the process of capturing their family. Either because they can’t seem to find a community of people that also appreciate images that celebrate the chaos and honesty or because their life doesn’t resemble what they see in magazines. We are here to celebrate and elevate reality with them.

IMAGE BY PETIT A PETIT AND FAMILY

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“WE WANT TO SHOW PEOPLE THAT IT IS OKAY TO SHARE THEIR REAL LIFE, EVEN IF IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE “IDEAL” WE ARE CONFRONTED WITH DAY IN DAY OUT” 18 | HOLL & LANE MAGAZINE

IMAGE BY NATASHA KELLY PHOTOGRAPHY ISSUE 10 | 19

IMAGE BY LITTLE FISH PHOTO

WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE? ERIKA: I’d say our biggest challenge has been creating a highly refined message and collection of images. There is a vast amount of gray area in between true documentary work (where nothing is being coached or altered) and traditional lifestyle portraiture (where images are staged to look natural in more ideal environments). And frequently the differences are only truly known to the artist that presses the shutter. Documentary work is not always gritty and staged work is not always easily recognizable.

LACEY: As Erika says, one of our biggest challenges has been refining our message and spreading awareness about documentary family photography. Another challenge we are constantly working on is how to continue to grow our project. We want to keep building our community and reach more people who connect with our message. There is not one right way to do this, so as a group we are always discussing ways to help grow the family documentary photography genre and what we can do to make Sham of the Perfect all it can be.

NATASHA: I guess it’s getting people to understand what documentary family photography is. Some people seem to think that a scene has to be messy and/or chaotic, but that’s not the case. Documentary photography is simply photographing a real scene, something that actually happened, without interfering with it. Personally, my challenge has been to balance being a mother and also the photographer - seeing a scene taking place in front of me and wanting to photograph it, taking into account all of the things that I need to make it a good photograph, but then also making sure that I’m supervising my kids!

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IMAGE BY JESSICA UHLER PHOTOGRAPHY

HOW HAS THIS PROJECT CHANGED YOU? ERIKA: It’s greatly improved my skill as an artist. So much of photography is about practice. Needing to submit a documentary image every week has certainly forced me to practice shooting regularly. However, the project has also made me look at more images (my own work and the work of others) with an analytical eye and evaluate where an image succeeds and fails. That, along with regular practice, goes a long way to improving one’s craft.

LACEY: This project has really helped me grow as an artist and helped refine my vision and approach. Having a group that I am accountable for has ensured that I follow through on my commitments. If I was doing this on my own, I’m afraid the project would have gotten left by the wayside as other responsibilities are always popping up. As a mom of two young children who works from home, my to do list is ever growing and often overwhelming, but collaborating with the group helps keeps me on task and motivated. The whole project has been a pleasure to be a part of due to having the 15 contributors as a super supportive community.

NATASHA: I think that it has helped me develop as an artist, as well as helping me to refine my style. It has also really cemented my belief that regular, everyday life is worthy of taking the time to photograph properly and with care, just as much as a special event(if not more). It has also helped me get into the habit of finding time to just stop and take notice - to just watch and look around me, which can be hard to do when you’re busy with kids.

WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE GOALS FOR SHAM OF THE PERFECT? ERIKA: We are hoping to really grow as a community. We would love for it to be a space where more people can come to be inspired, encouraged, gather information, ask questions, and just find their people.

LACEY: We are currently working on our goals for 2017 and are very excited about what we have lined up. We plan on adding more content and features that we believe our followers will be able to get a lot out of and will really enjoy! &

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IMAGE BY VICKI HULL PHOTOGRAPHY

Juniper’s Heart WORDS & IMAGES BY JONI SCHRANTZ

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ALL SIGNS POINTED to a healthy baby. When I didn’t receive any news about my 20 week ultrasound, I called and specifically asked about the heart knowing that heart defects are the most common birth defect. “Perfectly normal” they said. They were wrong.

My daughter Juniper’s delivery went just fine. Everything seemed great. We were discharged home the next day and began our lives as brand new parents. We were in heaven, minus the difficulties with breastfeeding. I quickly turned to the help of a breast-pump and bottle as she seemed to take an excessively long time to nurse and the bottle was quicker. Over the next two weeks she would develop a little grunting noise that we just thought was her thing. It was cute. Little did we know that grunting and poor feeding are signs of a heart issues.

She was two weeks old when I schlepped Juniper to her very first pediatrician’s appointment. I was excited to meet my daughter’s doctor for the first time and to introduce her to my bundle of joy. Upon meeting Juniper, she quickly noticed that she seemed to be breathing heavily. I didn’t really think anything of it, being a new mom I just didn’t realize that anything was abnormal. She listened to her lungs and stated that she was ordering a chest X-ray. We immediately went to get the X-ray and about an hour later returned to her office where she said that Juniper’s heart “looked a little big” and then sent us to the cardiologist next door.

I called my husband and told him to meet me at the cardiologist’s office. I had finally started to freak out a bit, I’m usually calm and rarely overreact to things, so I had been assuming that this wasn’t going to be a big deal, but it was starting to hit me that maybe things weren’t ok. He met me at the cardiologist’s office just in time for the doctor to walk in and somberly tell us that our newborn had a heart disease called dilated cardiomyopathy. Basically her heart was incredibly weak, had filled up with blood because it was unable to pump properly and had stretched out as a result of becoming overfilled. The blood was backing up into her lungs which is why she grunted and had to make a greater effort to breathe. In other words, we had an incredibly sick newborn on our hands. He walked us over to the hospital next door, where we were checked into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit and Juniper was started on a cocktail of cardiac medications. ›

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It was just 4 days later that we were told her only hope for survival would be a heart transplant. Our questions immediately went to quality of life. We had a sit down meeting with a transplant doctor and began learning the ins-andouts of what raising a child with a heart transplant was like. This is how a transplant works, the recipient takes immune suppressing medications every 12 hours for the rest of their life. This is the only way their body doesn’t “find” and attack the organ because the body sees anything foreign as something it needs to fight off. At any time, the recipient is at risk for going into rejection, which simply means that the immune system has found the organ and is attacking it. Rejection is often treatable, but sometimes there is no beating it and it will kill the patient or require another organ. Fortunately, studies have found that babies tend to do the best with transplants because their immune systems are so immature. We were told the half-life of a heart that Juniper would receive, would be about 18 years. Then, unfortunately, she’d need another transplant. This is the hardest part about the entire process, the fact that a transplant doesn’t last forever, it’s like a ticking time-bomb. Second transplants are common and typically don’t last as long as the first, third transplants are very rare. Unless some pretty big medical advances are made in the next 20-30 years or so, Juniper likely won’t live a very long life. This is the part of our story that still haunts me.

coming to tell us that she didn’t make it. Instead he announced, “we have a heart”. What? We were in shock. This must have been fate. We couldn’t believe the timing of this and neither could he. We began hugging everyone in sight, the entire unit was buzzing with excitement for us. We called our loved ones and told them the good news. Juniper was stitched up and wheeled back to the room.

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12 hours later, around 1am, the surgeon approached our room again, it was the exact time she was supposed to be heading back to the OR to begin surgery for the transplant. He walked into our dark room and sat on the edge of the couch and began to break the news that the donor heart wasn’t viable, Juniper would not be getting her transplant that night, and frankly he was worried because she was now in even worse shape than she had been going into surgery that morning.

We were utterly defeated. We hadn’t felt this low since the day we received her diagnosis. We truly thought we would lose her the next day. Luckily, we were wrong.

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Within a few days, Juniper was on the list for a donor heart and our wait began. When she turned 7 weeks old, she really started to tank and was close to death. We were out of options with medications, her only hope was a 200 pound machine called The Berlin Heart. It’s a left ventricular assist device, otherwise known as a heart pump. Our hospital had used them a few times in the past but never successfully on a baby so young or so small. The risk of complications increases the smaller the patient, therefore it was a surgery that nobody wanted to happen. We were told she had a 50% chance of making it to transplant and a 30% chance of having a stroke, one of the common side effects of being on the device. We had no choice but to go for it. She simply wasn’t going to make it otherwise.

Juniper went to surgery the next day to receive her Berlin Heart. She rocked her surgery.

What followed were several complications and unfortunately she ended up suffering 4 strokes.

The neurology team told us some pretty scary things, she may never walk, she may never talk, or she may be perfectly fine they said, there was no way to tell. Wow. We were left devastated, again, now even more worried about her quality of life.

Were we signing our daughter up for a lifetime of worrying about a transplanted heart AND brain issues? Luckily she began improving within a few days and started regaining some lost abilities quickly.

Once Juniper stabilized on her heart pump, our real wait began. We lived in the hospital with her, one of us sleeping in her room every night, and staying by her side every day. I was able to work from the hospital room and we simply found a new normal during that time. We lovingly referred to the nurses as our roommates.

The days felt long… always with one thing on our minds, how much longer? With that anticipation comes guilt, knowing what needs to happen in order for your child to live. How could we be impatient when we knew another family would be going through our greatest fear in order for our daughter to live? I often thought about the donor’s mother, it broke my heart to think about the parents that would be on the other side of all of this. ›

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The day of the surgery we said our goodbyes and anxiously waited for news. About an hour and a half into a surgery that should have been 6 hours long the surgeon came into our room. Our hearts sank. We knew he was

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“I often thought about the donor’s mother, it broke my heart to think about the parents that would be on the other side of all of this.”

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All-in-all, we would wait 6.5 months for Juniper’s heart. She received her donor heart on September 17th, 2014. The surgery went perfectly and after living in a hospital room for 6 months, we were discharged just 8 days post-transplant. We were finally getting to take our baby home and live like a normal family.

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It’s been nearly 2 years since Juniper’s transplant. She has battled some residual effects from being hospitalized for so long. She developed an oral aversion unfortunately due to frequent vomiting and required tube feedings for nearly all of her nutrition until very recently. She is also speech delayed. We work with a therapist every week on both of these issues and we are seeing great progress. She doesn’t seem to have any significant issues due to the brain injuries she suffered and we are so incredibly grateful for that. Juniper is an infectiously happy, curious, and stubborn child, about as normal of a toddler there is. If you saw her, you’d never know the fight she put up just to be here.

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On the one year anniversary of her transplant, we sent a letter and a video to Juniper’s donor family. We showed them some moments over the past year that were all made possible because they said “yes” to organ donation. There are no words to describe our thankfulness. We just want them to know what their selfless act has meant to our family.

Before this happened to us, I never thought about children needing organs, or how that even worked. With adults, it’s easy, they make the decision usually at the DMV on a whim, on a random Tuesday when everything in their life is fine. With children, the parents decide. They have to make the decision only when they are going through the hardest thing they will every go through in their lives. They are asked when it is certain the child will not survive. They are asked to think of others during their darkest hour. It makes the decision that much more beautiful, that much more loving.

Organ donation is a reminder of all the good in the world. Strangers who as their final act in this life, give life to others. I’m not sure there is anything more humbling than being on the receiving end of such an act.

As a mother I worry about my daughter and her fragile health. Some days I ruminate on what the future will hold for her and for my husband and I. Will I have to endure losing her one day? What will being a teenager be like for her, worrying about life and death things instead of the normal teenage stuff ? Then I think about the mother on the other side of all of this, who would give anything to have her child back to worry about in the first place, and I am once again grounded. It is a reminder to be thankful, and to not spend too much time wasting the very thing I am holding on so strongly to, time and life with my daughter. &

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To learn more about organ donation and how to become a donor, please visit donatelife. net today. You never know whose life you may save.

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SIX LITTLE LETTERS WORDS BY MIA SUTTON

Six little letters But they mean so much It’s hard to describe what they truly signify Words just aren’t enough You need love and caring And a dash of laughter thrown in There’s worry, too And sometimes drama But mostly there’s just home It’s not necessarily a place But it’s where your heart feels safe You call them yours Whether by blood or choice But they’re your people The ones who give you voice The ones who don’t shy away From who you truly are The ones who love you With every beat of their heart

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ADVERTORIAL

ALONG CAME A BOX Along Came a Box was formed out of a desire to harness my creativity after years in the medical industry. I grew restless trying to convince doctors of a need to change to a more patient-oriented mindset and longed for the ability to be seen as a creative and not only as a logical left-brain.

I dissolved my medical consulting company after months of contemplation, knowing the immense risk in losing years of work and contacts, all while having a strong sense of my next venture.

You see, I had been reminded of a gift I gave my mom for her last birthday, a gift that everyone loved. A gift where she opened up a present every hour of the day. A gift that not only made her, but others around her, smile throughout the day. It was an easy decision, and Along Came A Box was formed.

I’ve struggled with poor designers, untrustworthy companies, damaged goods, and many missed deadlines, but after almost a year of pure determination I was finally able to launch Along Came a Box this past May. In creating our box there were certain aspects I knew must be included to create the perfect gift giving experience: the gift must be packaged beautifully, it must support other small businesses, and it must tell a story making each gift a present filled with meaning.

What started out as a birthday gift has now grown to include five boxes: “Oh So Classic Birthday Box”, “Too Cute Birthday Box”, “Relax & Unwind”, “The Bridesmaid Box”, and our newest “Limited Edition 12 Days of Christmas Box” launching this November. We hope to continue to grow, encompassing every occasion, making each and every one a joyful moment.

It’s wonderful thinking back now on an old memory I have driving with my mom in the car. She asked me if I could do anything in my life what would it be. I answered, “Coming up with the perfect gift for people to give.” Little did I know that seemingly fleeting dream would become my story.

I hope our boxes spread as much joy to your friends and loved ones as they did to my mom on her birthday.

Have fun selecting your box with $10 off any full day box with code HOLLANDLANE. Visit alongcameabox.com to shop.

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BLACKWHITE and bright all over WORDS & IMAGES BY JANICE LOMBARDI

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I TRULY BELIEVE a person’s home should reflect who they are. You should throw your personality into the design and décor, possibly expressing character, charisma, and some pizzazz.

I have always had a thing for the colors black and white. Yes, I do love color too but I try to incorporate it in subtle ways, using accessories. You will see black and white in every room of the house but with added pops of color here and there.

I am a glam girl at heart, so of course I had to accessorize with gold and silver vases, lamps, wall décor basically anything with the bling factor.

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One of my favorite things about our home is how involved I was in the designing aspect of it. I knew when designing my house, it had to have lots of windows. The importance of having a clear view of the beautiful mountains and enjoying natural sun light was top priority for me. Here in Arizona we have sunshine almost all year round. So to create maximum light and picturesque views I placed windows basically anywhere possible; where it was obvious I couldn’t put in windows, I placed mirrors to expand and emphasize the light. That proved to be the perfect decision for me. Not only are mirrors beautiful and wonderful for seeing how amazing your outfit looks, they also have many other great purposes. So girls, remember mirrors can be your best friends!

Another major importance to me was that our new home had to have a big dining space. I live for hosting dinner parties and to have that open layout where I could expand the dining table and fit twelve people comfortably is what I strived for when designing it.

An open floor plan visually makes a space look brighter and bigger.

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What it comes down to it, for me and our home, I want guests to feel welcome and comfortable! At the end of the day as long as I fall in love with my home and create memories that will last a lifetime then know I’ve designed it in the best way for me and my family. &

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ADVERTORIAL

SHIELD SISTERS INITIATIVE True sisterhood can be a difficult find in a modern world that focuses more on tearing women down than building them up. Sisterhood threatens this societal norm and transports us back to a time when women lived among sisters and had each other for support. Sisterhood has never been about blood ties, but about this foundation of support.

When we think of pure sisterhood, we think of a queen and her ladies in waiting. While there was a hierarchy politically, often the women did not feel the separation when privately working together to fulfill societal expectations.

Sisterhood like this became a rarity when women began to work outside the home, threatening the balance. Enter the modern time of competition, where it is common for girls to say “I don't get along with other girls;” as if we were naturally born to compete with each other.

We may not have grown up alongside each other, with the same parents, similar life experiences and same moral guidelines. We may come from completely different cultures, but our sisterhood is deeper than this. It is not in the blood that pumps through our veins but in the soul that guides us each day.

Every story has a beginning, but The Shield Sisters Initiative starts in the middle. It starts in the middle of a blog friendship that quickly turned into a sisterhood filled with life rants and feeling like we didn’t really belong anywhere, except together. It starts in the middle of our self-discovery and dream chasing journeys.

We couldn’t tell you the exact day we discovered each other on the internet, nor could we tell you the day we realized our souls are connected. In the midst of Google Hangouts and constant chatter, we realized we were forging a path that few modern women have traveled. We realized that a sisterhood like ours did not exist.

Most groups separate into cliques, harbor judgment and jealousy, but we are a true family.

When a new member joins, they are welcomed with open arms and love showered on them.

Immediately, the Shield Sisters Initiative feels like home.

The three of us - Allie, Megan and Raewyn are from different parts of the United States with vastly different upbringings and passions, save one: our fiery passion to help others. The Shield Sisters Initiative Coaching Club bridges the gaps between membership sites, group coaching and 1:1 coaching, at an affordable rate. We hope to see female entrepreneurs follow the dreams they feel are unattainable with our support. We want to see you thrive and a part of a community of women who may offer similar content or products, but support each other. Competition is not in our vocabulary.

Collaboration is our lifeblood.

This is your family. Your sanctuary. Your sisterhood.

Get 10% off of the Shield Sisters Initiative Coaching Club & Coaching Programs for Holl & Lane Subscribers.

Visit shieldsistersinitiative.com

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“I NOW SEE HOW OWNING OUR STORY AND LOVING OURSELVES THROUGH THAT PROCESS IS THE BRAVEST THING THAT WE WILL EVER DO.” - Brené Brown

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The Love of Two Dads:

AN ADOPTION JOURNEY STEPHAN AND MICHAEL KNEW THEY’D EVENTUALLY WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER. WHEN THEY WERE READY TO MAKE THEIR PLANS A REALITY, THE LEGAL AND SOCIAL LANDSCAPE HAD CHANGED REGARDING ADOPTION FOR SAME-SEX COUPLES FROM WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED DATING. HERE THEY SHARE WITH US HOW THEY TRAVELED THEIR PATH TO BECOME TWO DADS TO THEIR DAUGHTER, ELLE.

WORDS BY STEPHAN BONTRAGER AND MICHAEL KOSTIEW // IMAGES BY MOLLY JONES

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WHEN AND HOW DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU WANTED TO ADOPT A CHILD? When we first started dating over ten years ago, we figured out right away that we both wanted kids someday.

At the time it seemed like there were many obstacles to overcome for same-sex couples considering parenthood, but we had faith that attitudes toward non-traditional families were changing. A guiding light for Stephan was Dan Savage’s book “The Kid,” which is all about Dan and his partner’s journey through adoption. It’s hilarious, profane and profoundly moving, and it was published all the way back in 1999 so we knew adoption for two dads was possible somewhere out there. Thankfully adoption for same-sex parents is becoming more and more common and we’re delighted to see all types of diverse families like (and unlike!) ours these days.

determined that international adoption wasn’t the right fit for us, we were very lucky to find a local agency that encourages open adoptions and had a great track record of working with same-sex couples. Elle’s birth mom saw our open letter on our agency’s website when she was seven months pregnant and asked to meet with us to determine if we would be a good fit as parents for her daughter. Meeting her was such a nerve-wracking experience! It’s like the most unusual blind date you’ve ever been on and the stakes felt very high. We were so relieved when we hit it off with her at our first face-toface meeting. Immediately everyone just took a breath and relaxed, and we knew things would be okay. Elle’s birth mom is a lovely, lovely person and was so generous to invite us to the hospital to meet our daughter the day after she was born. It was very important for us to give Elle’s birth mom her space and plenty of time with the baby at the hospital. Those are special days that will always belong to the two of them. Saying goodbye a few days later at the hospital was very hard, but we brought Elle home with us knowing that everyone involved in this adoption process was on the same page and it wasn’t a “forever goodbye.” Then Michael drove our new little family home from the hospital at 15 mph and Stephan worried that the car seat wasn’t installed correctly. Just like all new parents we were slightly terrified but our hearts were bursting. ›

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TELL US ABOUT THE PROCESS OF ADOPTING YOUR DAUGHTER, ELLE. The Dan Savage book introduced us to the concept of “open adoption” which is becoming a common standard for adoptions these days. Open adoption encourages an ongoing relationship or understanding between the baby’s birth parent(s) and the adoptive parents. Each adoption is different and the parties involved need to make a choice that works best for them and their situation. We are very happy with the open adoption we’ve experienced with our daughter Elle. When we

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BECAUSE YOU ARE IN A SAME-SEX MARRIAGE, DID YOU FACE ANY ADDITIONAL OBSTACLES THAT OTHER COUPLES MAY NOT DURING YOUR ADOPTION PROCESS? Boy, our expectations of difficulty versus the reality of what happened were so different! There were a million little questions in the back of our heads as we ventured into the relatively new territory of same-sex parenting. Will we be treated differently during the adoption process? Will people be openly hostile to us because they don’t agree with our desire to be parents? Will local or federal laws change suddenly to take away our rights as a couple and a family? Luckily, none of these fears came to pass.

When the Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that samesex marriage was legal across the United States it felt as if a huge burden had been lifted. We felt the protection of equality. It’s very moving to think of the LQBTQ parents who came before us, who had a much more difficult battle back when times were different. They raised their kids despite enormous challenges and fewer protections and are the pioneers to whom we owe everything. We’ve found time and time again throughout this parenting journey that when faced with the unfamiliar, people choose kindness. Some folks may take a moment or two to piece together that our little trio is different from other families when they see the three of us together, but overwhelmingly people are kind. Most people treat us just like any other family at Target desperately searching for the family bathroom while realizing we left the diaper bag in the car.

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YOU HAVE MENTIONED THAT YOU HAVE AN OPEN ADOPTION, IN WHICH YOU HAVE AN ONGOING RELATIONSHIP WITH ELLE'S BIRTH MOM. WAS THIS SOMETHING THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ALL OF YOU? IS IT DIFFICULT TO MANAGE THAT RELATIONSHIP? Our open adoption with Elle’s birth mom is so special to us. Her decision to make an adoption plan that included us is a story that we are proud to tell Elle, and we have a special photo book that we use to explain that story. She’s still too little to ask questions, but we want her to grow up knowing that her birth mom loved her very much and gave her daddies the tremendous honor and responsibility of being her parents. We have get-togethers with Elle’s birth mom and are so fortunate to live in a time where technology helps us stay in touch easily when we’re apart. We share photos often in a special private Facebook group. Having the ability to post pictures of significant milestones as Elle grows up has been a wonderful way for her birth mom to feel connected to our family.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OTHERS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE ADOPTION PROCESS? We’ve often heard the phrase “adoption is not for the faint of heart” during this process, and that’s true to some extent. There’s a lot of anxiety and waiting and doubt that you’re doing the right thing.

On the flip side, there are a lot of those same anxieties for families that are expecting a baby through pregnancy! Our daughter constantly delights us. She is such an incredible, inquisitive, active little person. Parenting is unbelievably hard sometimes, but we have never regretted our decision to adopt. The joys of raising this little girl make the difficult parts well worth it. She is a part of us.

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE LOVED ONES GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS, DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE AS TO HOW THEY CAN BE SUPPORTIVE? If you have a family member or friend going through the adoption process, be excited for them! When they announce they are exploring adoption, congratulate them because it’s a big step toward creating a family, just like announcing a pregnancy.

Another piece of advice—offer your assistance and be specific about what you can do beyond a general “let me know how I can help.” Because we only had a month or two to prepare for Elle’s arrival, we didn’t have time for a baby shower. After the baby came home our friends threw us a “virtual shower” to help with the items we needed to get quickly. Their thoughtfulness came through every time the doorbell rang with another UPS package delivery, or when they’d arrive in person with food or donated goods from when their own kids were newborns. We’d also encourage everyone to do some quick Googling to get up-to-date on the vocabulary of modern adoption. Do a quick search to find out why the phrase “putting a baby up for adoption” is no longer used, or why a woman is not called a birth mom until she actually places the baby with adoptive parents. It can be confusing but trust us, your loved ones going through adoption will be grateful that you took the time to speak the language of adoption. &

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THE VALUES OF

HAITI WORDS & IMAGES BY SARAH COLLINS

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AS A TYPICAL MATERIALISTIC American teenager I had a goal to attend college, make my fortune, and live the dream. An opportunity to travel to Haiti after my senior year of high school began a shift in my life. My worldview drastically changed from a sequence of three trips to this beautiful country over three years and I learned their incredible value of family.

The first time I visited Haiti I experienced culture shock. One on end, my heart broke for the people of the country, seeing the poverty and filth. On the other end, I was fascinated by how differently they lived and how happy they appeared. Exactly one year later, on my second trip to Haiti, I was more fascinated with the culture than bothered by the poverty. I wanted to learn their culture by experiencing absolutely everything I could. For example: the way they eat the fruit, Genip, carefully peeling the skin, sucking out the gel-like juice and spitting out the seed; or when the kids create competitive soccer matches with nothing but an old, plastic water bottle crinkled in the dirt; or how their homes are communal, and the meals are shared with the entire family.

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My third trip to Haiti, I was invited to go as a photographer for the same local church that I traveled with on my first two trips. On this voyage, I spent 21 days documenting everything I saw. I wanted to document and share these findings as best as I possibly could. I observed church services, voodoo practices, meal prepping, orphans, soccer matches, and families in their homes. Every single day my eyes were opened to a broader understanding. ›

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE One of my biggest takeaways from this trip was how much the people of Haiti value relationships. They live in communal homes, shared with aunts, siblings, parents, and cousins. If only one male in the family works, often he will support the whole extended family. Especially in cases where there is a single mom or an orphaned child, the entire family lives together and shares everything. It is a selfless act to treat their nieces and nephews like their own children.

Their family values are in the meals shared together in these homes.

When there is food available it is eaten together as a family. Everyone, even the children, participate in its preparation which is done outside and over a fire.

Communities and neighborhoods are made up of two or three extended families. Where they attend the same church and worship together as one. The children play soccer and jacks together, and if they are able, attend school together. In these communities, the men protect their homes and families.

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These examples are a small look into the culture of Haiti. It was beautiful to experience their everyday and see their family life first hand. Though I am still living in America and have since graduated college, I am forever changed from the people and culture of Haiti. &

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SILENT

Voices WORDS & IMAGES BY CARISSA DENNIS

THERE IS STILL MUCH WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT AUTISM AND THOSE ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM. CARISSA SHARES WITH US HOW SHE FIRST SUSPECTED HER SON MIGHT BE AUTISTIC AS A BABY, AND HOW SHE BECAME HIS FIERCEST ADVOCATE TO FIND A DIAGNOSIS. LIFE WITH HER SON IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT SHE EXPECTED, BUT THE UNIQUE CHALLENGES OF RAISING AN AUTISTIC CHILD ALONGSIDE HIS NEUROTYPICAL SIBLINGS HAS ONLY BROUGHT THEIR FAMILY CLOSER TOGETHER.

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I’M LOOKING FORWARD to sharing my journey about raising a child with autism.

Before doing so, however, I feel obligated to make it very clear that there are many forms of autism. Once you have met one child with autism, you have met one child with autism.

Yes, they share some traits but are all very different. Autism does not question one’s intelligence, it is not a physical disability. I explain it like a communication error, like a Mac computer trying to communicate with all PC computers. Most children with autism also deal with sensory issues. Imagine every sense you have being amplified. Being over stimulated prompts most “meltdowns”. On behalf of all parents of children with autism I’m begging for acceptance, understanding and education. When you see a child melting down in public because they are over stimulated, don’t judge, don’t stare, and don’t offer advice about how the child needs a spanking!

to shove all my denial to the side and seek help for my son! I also knew it was time to talk to Joe. Needless to say the conversation of our son possibly being autistic didn’t go well. As I felt our relationship crumbling, I knew I had to do it alone.

By 14 months old I sought early intervention. They worked with my son on a weekly basis. In the meantime, I got referrals from his doctor for a developmental doctor. I also got referrals for a hearing test, eye exam, physical, occupational, and speech therapy.

I had to demand such referrals because my doctor thought he was too young to be diagnosed with autism. I had done so much research I knew in my mommy gut I was right, and I fought for him. His developmental appointment was eight months away. My life quickly filled up with endless appointments.

By doing the research and knowing what hoops I was going to have to jump through after the diagnosis appointment I was able to speed things along.

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On June 17, 2012 my family of four (myself, my husband Joe, and four year old boy-girl twins) grew by one more. My prince was born via c-section. I remember the anticipation of waiting for his little cry. He didn’t cry for the first three days of his life.

As time went on, I knew I had an overall quiet baby. He never cried when soiled or hungry, I just knew. Being a mother of twins this was very abnormal to have such a laid back baby but I shrugged it off thinking I was lucky. Around three months old, I noticed he wouldn’t trace me when I walked by. At times I felt like I was transparent, like he looked right through me.

He loved to be in his swing and for the most part, he enjoyed being left alone. At this point I felt in my gut that something wasn’t right with my son. I was very scared and nervous that maybe I was crazy and comparing his milestones to the twins too much. I kept quiet for six months. The twins were 3 ½ when Joe and I met, so he really didn’t have a baby to compare to. I was already suffering from extreme postpartum depression and anxiety.

Not to mention I’ve battled depression half my life. I couldn’t risk being wrong with such a sensitive subject.

Therapy consisted of teaching him to walk, talk, chew, and eat and provided help with sensory issues, fine motor skills, eye contact and more. We went through multiple therapists to find the right fit. He walked for the first time at twenty months old. The first time he walked, he walked the entire span of the house holding a sippy cup. I remember thinking, was he walking behind my back?

He perfected it before he showed it off and it was most definitely on his terms. Just like everything else on a day to day basis.

At 24 months we received the diagnosis I had been fighting for. They diagnosed our son as moderately to severely autistic. This is when Joe’s eyes started to open.

I didn’t have to whisper the word “autism” any longer. On this day I accepted my life was no longer about Carissa, but about being his advocate, his voice. Knowing how judgmental and uneducated society can be, I knew it would be rough. I’ll admit, before the idea of autism arose about my son, I knew only the word.

My son has completely changed my views and made me a better person. I learned not to be so judgmental because not all disabilities are visible. I created a support group on Facebook for parents of children with autism. This group is the safe place to many parents, and makes me proud. ›

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Finally at twelve months old, my step mom came to me. She believed “something was wrong” with him. I remember feeling a large amount of weight being lifted from my shoulders. It wasn’t just me! Now it was time

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He hated therapy and would have constant meltdowns from start to finish. By the end of every appointment we were both exhausted and he would sleep for over four hours. Then, of course, be up all night.

Roughly four months ago I made the decision to pull him from the therapies that teach him how to be accepted by society. It was inconvenient and stressful for my whole family.

He began to talk over the past few months. He has started counting to thirty. He can say the alphabet, shapes, colors, and more. He is saying new words daily.

His eye contact is amazing, and his meltdowns have been minimal. Similar to the walking I feel like he wanted to perfect it before he talked to us. He will respond to me when asked questions. He makes more progress every day. He is also getting more violent everyday though, too.

Especially when he’s frustrated from not being understood.

For the most part I always know what he wants but, I fear daily what would happen if I die? Who will be his voice? I fear him getting bigger and stronger. I have to carry him during transitions from house to car, car to location and so on. At this point he’s over sixty pounds. I’m afraid of the day I can no longer lift him.

injured by vaccines. But, my child was born with autism.

So now at four years old he is somewhat verbal, he is not potty trained but, recently has learnt where pee comes from. I see our future being diaperless one day.

When he is over stimulated he still wants his bottle with milk to calm himself, along with his blankets. All these things are not age appropriate but are appropriate for my boy with autism. He hits on a regular basis when he’s not being understood or doesn’t understand. His siblings are very easy targets. Thankfully the twins are very understanding and can probably explain autism better then most adults. He will go days without eating a real meal. A day in our house is not complete without YouTube which I’m very thankful for. His home is his safe place.

My boy is such a delight, he’s typically a pretty happy boy. He loves dinosaurs, swimming, YouTube, stemming with excitement, animals and cars. He loves to line up all his toys, running through the house with toilet paper is one of his favorites. He’s hilarious, the little man has always been able to make people laugh without words.

He loves getting dirty and playing in the mud. Inclines of any kind are his favorite.

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Schooling will be left up to me as well. Which so far, I seem to be doing a great job. My son is not vaccinated.

Not only can’t he go to school but his doctors office wants to drop him. The metals in the vaccines is what scares me.

Here he is just making progress, these vaccines can make him regress. The metals can throw his genetics even more out of whack! My neurotypical children are vaccinated.

I know children and parents personally that have been

Our adult social life is extremely limited. We have a very small circle of friends. These friends are absolutely amazing though. No judgment, or explanation needed.

Our friends know it’s easier to come to our place and it’s not a problem. Our boy has changed how we both view life. It’s been a long road, but it has made us stronger and better people. Our son is our hero! We are not your “normal” family, but we’re ok with that. &

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"IF YOU CAN DANCE AND BE FREE AND NOT BE EMBARASSED, YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD." - Amy Poehler

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for the benefit of THE WORKING MOMS WORDS & IMAGES BY LIZ HUNTER

I HAVE NEVER been a fan of Sunday nights. Growing up, Sunday night meant the end of the weekend and another week of school ahead. What bothered me wasn’t so much waking up early on Monday or packing up my books and lunch and catching the bus. No, I think deep down it was that Sunday nights were our last moments as a family, sitting together eating our dessert watching America’s Funniest Videos or The Simpsons. Come Monday morning we’d all go our separate ways, and now that I’m older, I can admit that it was, for me, the looming separation from my mom with which I struggled.

weeks before my due date and never questioned that I’d be returning after maternity leave. While I am forever grateful for the three months I had at home with her, I sometimes felt like a prisoner, attached to a breast pump every few hours, answering to the whims of a tiny tyrant who spoke in whimpers and screams. Whole days would pass without me saying more than a few words at a time-and most of those words were directed at my dog. Each night when my husband would get home I would pass off the baby and grab the dog’s leash and get out of the house.

Weekends weren’t long enough and I felt cheated out of time with her. She worked nights, so by the time I got home from school, she was heading out the door for work. Some nights I would hear her come home and I’d get out of bed to see the glow of the TV as she watched David Letterman and Conan O’Brien and I’d slowly creep down, completely encroaching on her personal time, and she’d let me watch the show with her. There were days I played hookie from school, partially to watch The Price is Right, but also just to find out what she did all day while the rest of us were gone. From a child’s perspective it’s impossible to fathom your mom being her own person.

To put it simply: I missed working. I missed the morning chit-chat, the random venting sessions, the ability to go out for lunch, or sit and read at my desk.

I didn’t miss the deadlines or stress, but I missed the person I was while at work. Someone who was needed for her mental abilities, not her nurturing skills. Someone who was organized and not scatterbrained. Someone who could be counted on to accomplish tasks and assist team members, not just change a diaper. I was not comfortable with my new job as mom and craved the familiarity of my career.

I waited as long as possible to have a child. I was driven more by my career than starting my own family.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have kids, I just felt that it would be best to delay them until I felt good and ready.

I had spent four years and put myself in debt to attend college so there was no way I wasn’t putting my degree to use. And I felt proud to say I had a job in the same field I had studied. My career defined me and not even a baby could make me give it up.

I had my daughter at age 31. I worked until two

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When I did return to work, of course I struggled with the reality of being away from my baby all day long. But during those nine hours, I could feel my old self coming back. I was back in my element and I could almost hear my brain say “Oh, we’re doing this again?

Let’s go!” I wouldn’t say it was easy or that I didn’t get emotional with each pump break, but by the end of the day I couldn’t wait to see my daughter. It was a stark contrast from the days at home with her when by 5 p.m.

I had reached my breaking point. ›

Months have passed and my daughter is 2-years-old now. I have grown increasingly more comfortable as a mother, which time and experience will do, and the older she gets, the more she wants me to do things with her. We are both quite attached to each other. Weekends have that familiar finite feel to them and those Sunday-night-blues sometimes kick in. I get sad thinking about saying goodbye to her the next morning as she goes off to daycare, so I’ll do anything to stretch the time. I know that there won’t be time tomorrow to ride in her wagon or color another picture of Elmo or dance in the kitchen “one more” time. So I’ll do anything she wants just a few more times like she asks. I realize being apart from her makes our time together even more cherished.

Then comes Monday morning and we go our separate ways. She, off becoming her own independent person, learning with her own friends and developing skills I wouldn’t know the first thing about teaching her if I were a stayat-home-mom (like sign language for one). While she does that, I get to work. I get to work. I’m thankful for the five days a week when I’m referred to by my first name and not Mommy. I’m thankful that I can sit at my desk without getting up every two minutes. I’m thankful I can occasionally browse Target on my lunch break without a toddler trying to climb out of the cart. Work is a dose of sanity, a break from the constant worry of being a mom, something I’m sure my mom also felt those nights she got to step away from her three kids and just be “Deb” for a few hours.

Until my daughter is old enough to understand that I am more than her mother, I will continue to look forward to the moment I pick her up from daycare and she comes running: “Mommy!!” That’s something we working moms live for. &

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HOW TO:

INCORPORATE FAMILY HEIRLOOMS WORDS BY BARBARA TOWN // IMAGES BY BROOKE TAELOR

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REDESIGN SOMETHING OLD Your parents or grandparents furnishings might be beautiful, but their finish or color may be outdated. Give them a new look with a fresh coat of paint and some new hardware. You’ll end up with a beautiful new piece that not only pays tribute to your family but blends with your personality and style.

EMBRACE ITS PURPOSE When coming into a new (to you) piece, think back to its original era and what its use was. Showcase this and its style by mixing in some modern accessories. Adding bright pops of color will give any piece a more contemporary vibe.

CONSIDER QUALITY Furnishings whose style tend to be classic and timeless are those of which are of high quality. If you’re looking to incorporate heirlooms into your home, part of giving it an eclectic and effortless look is having your main pieces in pristine condition.

FIND ONE UNIFYING CHARACTERISTIC When accessorizing or styling an antique piece, you can mix pieces from different eras as long as there is a common thread that runs throughout. If your dresser or chest has brass hardware, bring in a few pieces that also have a brass accent to tie it all together.

MIX & MATCH YOUR DINING ROOM One of the easiest places to mix in traditional heirlooms with modern pieces is the dining room. No matter the vintage piece you have (table, chairs, chandelier, etc.) pair it with something contemporary.

Mixing wood with metal or great detail with clean lines creates a perfect blend of old and new.

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My Icelandic Journey WORDS & IMAGES BY MELISSA RAMPERSAD

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Skรณgafoss waterfall is in the South Region of Iceland ISSUE 10 | 67

Seljalandsfoss waterfall is in the South Region of Iceland 68 | HOLL & LANE MAGAZINE

Seljavallalaug Geothermal Pool is located amongst the mountains in the South Region of Iceland

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ISSUE 10 | 69

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Blue Lagoon is located in Iceland on a lava field in Grindavík

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ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? THERE IS SOMETHING undeniably alluring about far away places. Iceland has always been a dream destination of mine; a place that only existed in my imagination.

Growing up on the tiny island of Trinidad and Tobago in the Caribbean, I never imagined in my wildest dreams I would be able to travel here. My instincts were telling me to do something, something that defied logic. I was struggling daily, even hourly between nostalgia and pragmatism. I came to terms with the realization that I no longer desired settling down and staying in one place, I longed for the unknown.

So, I saved up for one year, sold my house and belongings in California, and left my corporate career to create a new path and travel the world. The decision to undertake this journey to Iceland was inspired by my constant wanderlust and desire to embrace the unfamiliar.

wandering, to valleys lined with waterfalls and wildflowers. On my first night, I slept at the foot of one of Iceland’s powerful waterfalls and I took a morning bath in a hot spring surrounded by mountains. It was invigorating waking up alone in a new place, exploring and indulging in solitude.

I felt free with my thoughts and more connected to my mind and body. Traveling alone has also given me the time to reflect and nurture myself.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE When I dreamed of traveling and adventure, I knew I wanted to be as completely immersed in the world as possible; I wanted to experience new cultures, learn new languages, meet interesting people, and spend time in solitude exploring.

My solo road trip around Iceland was empowering, and every valley and every turn was filled with endless enchantment and spontaneous adventure. Each day I took the unbeaten path and found myself mesmerized by the natural, dramatic landscape throughout the island. The scenery changed in an instant from snowy glaciers, to green canyons with wild horses

Watching the sun rise each day, reminded me that every day is a new beginning to live the life I desire. This incredibly humbling experience has enabled me to walk with confidence and independence throughout my travels. It has given me endless opportunities to embrace new situations and meet new people along my journey. I have interacted with people from all walks of life, who were vastly different from me, yet they were willing and eager to accommodate me, a complete stranger, without expecting anything in return. My Icelandic journey has not only urged me to give back to others in the same way, but has also changed my perspective and empowered me. I have become more open-minded, humbled by the kindness of strangers, and most importantly, learned to trust my instincts. My trip throughout the land of fire and ice, has brought me to a beautiful place of enlightenment. While traveling alone to discover the natural world, I encountered my truest self. &

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My solo road trip around Iceland was empowering, and every valley and every turn was filled with endless enchantment and spontaneous adventure.

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Seljavallalaug Geothermal Pool is located amongst the mountains in the South Region of Iceland

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Grjótagjá is a small cave with a geothermal spring located near Lake Mývatn in North Iceland.

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Kirkjufellfoss waterfall is on the north coast of Iceland's SnĂŚfellsnes peninsula

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dEfiniNg Hope WORDS & IMAGES PROVIDED BY JENNIFER BURGER

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THE PHONE RANG, jolting me awake.

I opened one eye and squinted at the clock; the blinking red digits told me it was not quite seven. It was early - and cold. I snuggled deeper under my blanket and tried to tune out the noise, but the phone continued ringing, stubbornly refusing to let me return to my dreams. Reluctantly, I crawled out of bed and made my way down the hall towards the offending noise.

“Yeah,” I answered as I picked up the phone, expecting to hear my mom’s voice on the other end. We lived together, but she’d spent the night with a friend; I assumed she was ringing to make sure I was awake for my early shift waiting tables. We both worked at the same restaurant.

“Martina Burger?” replied a man’s voice.

I was surprised by the strange voice - and then instantly annoyed. Who was calling this early on a Sunday morning? Surely not a telemarketer?

“Who is this?” I snapped down the line, making no attempt to hide my irritation.

His clear and steady voice replied with his name and rank, and my heart stopped in my chest.

I was speaking with a United States Marine.

Later on, I would learn this wasn't standard protocol. Normally there's no warning call, but my brother had listed my grandparents’ address as his next of kin. Much earlier that morning, well before sunrise, two Marines in formal blues had knocked on their front door. But their knock went unanswered. My grandparents owned a restaurant and, despite being in their sixties, often worked late into the early morning.

So the two Marines spent the night searching for my mother, and that’s why they were calling and looking for her, so very early on a Sunday morning.

He didn’t tell me this on the phone - but deep down I knew why he was calling. I told him I would pick up my mother and arranged to meet him at nine.

Nothing else was said and I hung up the phone. My hand lingered on the receiver and I stared at it for a few minutes, flexing my fingers. It didn't feel like my hand.

Instead, it felt foreign and out of place, just like this moment.

After a few minutes that felt like a lifetime, I took a deep breath, picked up the receiver, and dialed my mom’s number. It rang several times before she answered.

“Jennifer?”

“Mom. I’m coming to get you. A Marine just called and he’ll be here shortly.”

I heard her voice catch and in that instant, I knew that she knew, too.

There was a moment of silence and then she hung up the phone.

I dressed quickly and hurried out the door, pausing for a moment before getting in my car. I looked down the street at our sleepy, one road town and took note of the brightly colored American flags decorating most homes; it felt vaguely staged. I opened the door and got in my car. › ISSUE 10 | 77

When I arrived to collect my mom she was already outside waiting. It was November and she was bundled up against the cold, but I’m pretty sure that underneath her coat she was still wearing her pajamas. She opened the door and stared at me. I couldn’t face her; I turned away and put the car in gear. We drove home without speaking.

tiny pieces - and even though it has healed with time - it will never be quite the same.

Grief changes everyone differently, and while I will always feel like a part of me is missing, I am deeply grateful that for the lessons that my loss has taught me. Don’t wait - and don’t settle. Although unspoken, Dale’s final words to me were a reminder to take chances, to face my fears, and to truly love my life.

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The silence only continued as we waited. I think we were both afraid that saying our fears out loud would make them real, so we sat and said nothing until we heard a knock on the front door at exactly 9 o’clock.

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I opened it and standing before us were two immaculately dressed United States Marines. They didn’t attempt to enter; instead, they stayed on the street and faced us. We stood in the doorway and stared back at them.

Then there was a pause - a tiny moment in time - before they started speaking. That instant defines me. I was one person and then a second later, I was someone else.

On that Sunday morning, the 14th of November 2004, I learned that my baby brother, Corporal Dale A. Burger Jr., was never coming home. ›

When I was a child, I injured my elbow jumping off a table. I was pretending to be a circus lion jumping through a flaming hoop, but when I landed on the cement floor of my best friend’s basement, my elbow locked and something snapped painfully. I spent the next few months in a giant plaster cast.

Of course, nearly thirty years later, I’m fully healed but I’m not quite the same as I was before the accident. It’s a great party trick actually; my left arm extends, quite grotesquely, well beyond a flat 180 degrees. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that if you looked closely at my bones, you’d see that they never grew back quite the same.

In the past decade, I’ve moved abroad, I’ve traveled around the world, and I’ve gotten married (twice); I’ve had great success and I’ve also failed miserably, but you could never accuse me of not following my heart. I remind myself daily that it’s my duty to honor his life by choosing to live mine fully. I’ve also learned that while my loss is painful, it is not unique.

Death is strangely humanizing and over the years, I’ve come to recognize the pain I know so well in the faces of other sisters around the world. Sometimes it’s difficult because I feel emotion so strongly now - rarely a day goes by when a story of injustice or loss doesn’t bring me to tears - but still, I consider this deep compassion a blessing, not a curse.

But perhaps the most welcome (but surprising) gift that Dale gave me when he passed is deep and unrelenting hope. Of course, when we lost him, I was shaken to my very core. Believe it or not, I never saw it coming, despite the obvious risk that came with his chosen profession.

For a long time after he died, I wondered how our family could be so unlucky? Of all the people, of all the soldiers - why did something so horrible happen to us?

I HEARD HER

VOICE CATCH

AND IN THAT INSTANT, I KNEW THAT SHE KNEW, TOO. THERE WAS A MOMENT OF SILENCE

AND THEN SHE HUNG UP THE PHONE.

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In this same way, Dale’s death reshaped my heart; it was shattered into

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But somewhere along the way, I realized that life is random. We can try our best to make good choices, but there is always an element beyond our control.

Bad things happen to good people … but good things happen to good people, too.

Today could be the worst day of your life, or it could the best.

I choose to be hopeful, always. &

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ISSUE 10 | 79

THE BOY WHO CHANGED MY LIFE

A Story of Adoption WORDS & IMAGES BY ALI GRAY // HEADER IMAGE BY JD SWIGGER

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I REMEMBER IT like it was yesterday. My sister’s squeaky voice pierced through my sleep, waking me to bake patriotic cupcakes and tie yellow ribbon to the trees in our front yard. It was the day my brother was coming home.

The drive to the airport was the longest in history. What do you say to a brother you only know through blurry photos? In the terminal, we were greeted by friends holding American flags, waving them and hugging us in the hallway. My hands were sweaty, playing with the puff paint on my shirt that read “I’m Apollo’s sister!”

As I paced excitedly, I thought back on our journey. The months between hearing about a small orphanage in Africa to making a second bed in my brother’s room had not been short ones.

My parents had been thinking about adoption for years so when an opportunity presented itself through an adoptive family at our church, they didn’t sit idle. They began talking with an orphanage in Accra, Ghana about a certain young boy awaiting a family. My siblings and I wanted to know everything about him, crowding around his photo on the computer trying to drink in the details.

Through home studies, paperwork, caseworkers, letters, visa applications and a lot of prayer, we had made it to the airport gate. My grandma squeezed my shoulders as the word ‘ARRIVED’ appeared next to their flight number on the screen. This was it.

I don’t remember and yet vividly recall running through a crowd of camera flashes and into the arms of a small, black boy. My parents came behind him with their arms, tired from the long journey, hugging each of us tightly.

Everything was a blur as we walked hand in hand down the stairs as a family of six.

In the days of learning new friends, foods and how to use the water dispenser on the refrigerator, Apollo asked my parents to give him a new name.

Since they named my siblings and I, could they name him too? ‘Apollo’ became the middle name to Elijah Davidson in our finalized American court hearing.

Although Eli was safe and warm in America, his family still battled harsh conditions in the village of Vea in Bolgatanga, the northern region of Ghana. The natives called themselves “forgotten ones” due to the lack of government and humanitarian support in their community. As is customary during the adoption process, my parents had visited Vea to give gifts to the chief and his wives. During their stay, they witnessed the village’s conditions firsthand. Without clean water, medical attention, irrigation, or a strong educational system, the people were left ridden with famine and disease. After that encounter they were no longer just ‘people,’ they were our people. ›

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A year after the adoption, my dad and I joined a team of doctors from our church on a three week triage trip that rocked my world. Crowds awaited us at the clinic every morning longing to get inside. Some desperately pushed their children over the wall in hopes they would be seen by a doctor. I saw my brother in every fragile child I held in my arms. Had the story been written differently, he would have been one of them. We cared for thousands of people that week, almost all sick with malaria, waterborne disease and malnutrition. At the end of our stay, we dedicated a well amidst a joyful celebration of people but knew we had only made a small dent in what needed to be done.

close friends. Each time I visit Vea, I am welcomed by family. Eli’s aunts and cousins call me their own. His grandmother, once harshly criticized for giving the last male in her bloodline up for adoption, is now seen as a hero.

Through her difficult decision and my parents’ leap of faith to adopt, more than just my life was changed.

It changed a village. It gave them hope. My family has grown by not just one but hundreds.

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After the trip, we began working with community leaders to address prominent needs and create sustainable solutions. Through Ghanaian friends and teams from the States, our church created a child sponsorship program to give school supplies, uniforms, medical care and hot meals to children.

Over the years, we’ve helped install dozens of wells, given medical care, built churches, created work opportunities and trained teachers and nurses.

The villagers transformed from timid strangers to

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It’s been many years since that day at the airport but sometimes, I truly forget Eli is adopted. When people stare, it takes me time to remember that his skin doesn’t look like mine. He has always been a part of our family, it just took a little more than nine months for him to come home. Long before we ever heard of a boy called Apollo, he was my brother.

I’m sure it’s not a surprise for me to say that adoption changed my life. I cannot imagine my family without it. Has the whole process been sweet and easy?

No. Has the whole process grown, stretched and made even greater my family? Yes. ›

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? “ Long before we ever heard of a boy called Apollo, he was my brother.

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As my husband and I begin to think about a family of our own, there is no question about whether or not we will adopt. We’ve struggled with the looming threat of infertility (due to my endometriosis) but our hope does not lie in doctors. If we are meant to get pregnant, we will. No matter what happens with my body, I know what has happened with my heart.

There is a calling upon it to lift the fallen and speak for the voiceless.

Some people are under the idea that adoption is ‘second best’ to having biological children though it isn’t true. God weaves every child together. Some he designs to be in a family by birth, others he designs to be in a family by choice - a choice to love, a choice to step out, a choice to take action in a situation of injustice. Beautiful families are not just the ones that sit behind pretty fences. The families forged from heartache, speckled with joy and led by perseverance are stunning.

Not every adoption changes a village but it does change a child’s life and that is more than enough. It’s easy to be filled with fear and excuses. I find myself battling them everyday. If you’re waiting to reach the peak of preparedness or financial stability to do the right thing, you may never.

If you have love in your life, give it. If your heart has room, fill it. If your home has space, occupy it. If your family can grow, add to it. &

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IF YOU SEE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IN SOMEONE, SPEAK IT. PEOPLE DESERVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW OF THEIR WONDERFULNESS.

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I have worked since I was in my teens, raised my family as I worked, and my marriage, after almost 30 years, I ended, realizing I was worth more than staying in a bad marriage.

I was working in the medical field, administratively, fighting traffic up to 4 hours a day on certain days. Although I loved my job, I realized that there is more to life than this. I sold my home in Miami, quit my job and moved to Charlotte, North Carolina.

I left Miami with the thought of opening a pet retail store. I quickly realized how much time away from my family this would take me, knowing a good two years I would eat, think and breathe this store. I knew there had to be a way to do what I love and yet still have the freedom to visit family. I tried sewing dog leashes, made

jewelry and even made journals but none of that resonated with me.

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I have been told how brave I was for making this move, that they wish they could do something like I did and how proud my friends are of me. To me…it was a simple decision. Do what you love, if you can. I love what I do and love that I can make a natural product with great ingredients.

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BÛCHE DE NOËL WORDS & IMAGES BY CHRISTINE SIMARD

BÛCHE DE NOËL RECIPE Prep time: 40 mins Baking time: 10 mins

Sponge Cake Ingredients: • 6 eggs, room temperature • 1 cup sugar • 3/4 cup flour • 1/4 teaspoon salt • 2 teaspoon baking powder • a clean dish towel that is slightly damp

I’ve always had the biggest sweet tooth. Christmastime at my house has always been a hectic time. A time where we spend time with each other, please each other, and of course eat lots of food, especially desserts.

As long as I can remember, food in my family has always been the center of it all. Dinners were the most important time of the day where we would all sit around the table and share a delicious meal my mom would have prepared for it, which would always be followed by a dessert my mother made. Now that I live with my husband, I carry on this tradition. It is the time of the day that I look the most forward to. We try to always share a nice meal together and talk about how our day went. And around 3pm PST, I often call my parents to see what they are eating for dinner since its 6pm EST. It bothers my dad every time, but I think he secretly loves it.

Of course, during the holidays, food becomes even more important. My parents, sister and I start talking about what we will eat two months in advance. We have arguments about which kind ham to eat, if we should make a turkey or not, and how many desserts we will make this year. All in all, our meals always turn out great and we are always happy that we get to spend time together in and out of the kitchen.

Our menu changes slightly every year, but having a bûche de Noël, a Yule log, is a must. In French Canadian culture, these are often purchased at bakeries for the Christmas dinner as they were at my house when I was younger. But as I got older, and my passion of baking grew, I became in charge of making it. We always seem to lose the recipe to make the bûche but now we are certain that we will always be able to refer to the recipe in the magazine for years to come.

This holiday will be the first that my husband and I don’t spend back in our hometowns since we’ve decided to spend it in California. One thing I am sure of, we will have food to connect us to our family, and of course Facetime. &

Sponge Cake Instructions: 1. Preheat your oven to 400F. Line a 18X13 baking sheet with parchment leaving a half inch hang on all sides.

Coat the parchment sheet with oil or butter.

2. Whip the eggs and sugar at high speed for 18-20 minutes. The egg mixture should be light in color and fluffy.

3. Sift the other ingredients onto the egg and sugar mixture and fold it in gently.

4. Bake for 8-10 minutes until the cake is fully baked in the center. (While the cake is in the oven you can start your icing).

5. Place the clean damp dish towel over the hot cake, and beginning from one extremity, roll the cake onto its self, and slowly remove the parchment paper at the same time. Allow the cake to cool on a rack.

Icing Ingredients: • 2 oz of white chocolate • 2 cups of whipping cream • 1 cup of mascarpone cheese • 1/2 the seeds of a vanilla bean Icing Instructions: 1. Melt the white chocolate on a bain-marie (double boiler) with 1 tablespoon of whipped cream. Let it cool down.

2. In another bowl, whip the cream until medium peaks.

Gently incorporate the mascarpone, white chocolate, and vanilla bean seeds to the whipped cream. Keep refrigerated until ready.

Filling Ingredients: • 15 oz of raspberry jam • Icing sugar • Fresh raspberries Filling Instructions: 1. Gently unroll the cooled cake. Spread the jam onto the cake leaving a one-inch border around it. Spread the icing on top of the jam.

2. Re-roll the cake and transfer to a serving plate. Ice the cake with the remaining icing. Sprinkle icing sugar ontop and garnish with fresh raspberries. Cut into slices.

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DREAMING OF A

White Kitchen

WHEN MY HUSBAND and I first decided to fully gut and remodel our kitchen three years ago, there were some things I knew I wanted; marble counters, a professional grade range, and stainless steel appliances. I'm an avid cook and I wanted a kitchen that reflected that, so we got rid of the old cooktop and double ovens, and splurged on a Wolf range. I worked with my cabinet maker to design the mantle over the range. I absolutely love having a mantle there! It's great for changing up the decor with the seasons and makes it feel warmer and like more of a room, as well as acting as a wonderful focal point. For our countertops I chose white marble. I knew that I loved the look and I felt that if it stained or etched, the patina was something that would add to the charm of the space.

In actuality, I haven't had a single stain or etch yet and am thrilled that I decided to go with my gut.

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The back splash is a mix of tile that I fell in love with, and bead board that adds some country to the space. And of course, the kitchen HAD to be white! The lightness and brightness just speaks to me, as well as the feeling of clean (even when it's not!) After some trial and error, we chose Cloud White by Benjamin Moore and for me, it's the perfect white. It works well with the different whites of the tile and marble and never looks too grey or yellow. Unfortunately, we don't really have the space for an island so we settled on a peninsula. It looks over our eating area and out to the family room, so I never feel like I'm "alone" in the kitchen. Most of our family time is spent in this room together; eating, cooking, watching TV, playing games, or just hanging out. It's my favorite space in my house. &

WORDS & IMAGES BY SHEILA IRWIN

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when your parents

SPL I T SPL I T

(as an adult)

WORDS BY MALINDA FULLER // IMAGES BY LAUREN SCOTTI

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MY HUSBAND AWOKE to sobs; I wasn’t even trying to muffle them.

feelings. We are left with the option to immerse ourselves in self-pity, anger, and blame, or to offer kindness, empathy, and love.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? All of the anguish and rage that had been buried, was now unleashed.

The tears flowed as easily as the curse words that flooded my mind.

I felt like a spectator watching events unfold with adult eyes, but through the lens of a fifteen-year-old; that’s how old I had been when my own family was divided by divorce.

The poorly healed scars were ripped open, and I was overcome with the painful emotions from distant memories. This time, however, I was unable to stuff them and move on as I had done as an ignorant and uncaring youth. Instead, I was forced to deal with them— not just for myself, but also for my children, who would have their own responses to work through.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE He asked what was wrong and I managed to sputter out a few words before his able arms engulfed me.

It was the first of many such embraces, but it had taken weeks to get there.

Weeks of feeling underwater and unable to surface.

Weeks of wearisome conversations.

Weeks of reaction to betrayal and truth.

Weeks since we heard the news.

Our world imploded after discovering that my inlaws were separating after 40 years of marriage.

Within hours of that first phone call, my husband and I rode the roller-coaster of emotions, and a week later we fled. We packed up our kids and started driving towards the mountains. There is something about the dwarfing majesty of a 14,000-foot peak that puts life into perspective.

Seven days later, after road-tripping through six states and logging almost 2,500 miles, we emerged somewhat clear-headed. However, the problem still remained, and we could no longer ignore the processing and healing that needed to be done.

Having endured a family split already, I knew things would get worse before they got better. I knew the first Christmas and set of birthdays would be tough, and nothing would feel normal ever again; I was prepared— or so I thought.

I had no idea how deep the hurts from my adolescence were. Betrayal and shame, guilt, disappointment, and confusion— I went through it all.

I wasn’t planning on having to work through the trauma from almost two decades ago, or how fierce the resurfaced resentment would be. I never thought that I would suddenly start to doubt my husband and his ability to stand by me forever. Yes, he had solemnly promised to do so during our wedding vows, but they were more than ten years old now. With one father giving up after twenty-two years, and another after forty, my husband’s will was suddenly in question. I was beyond the naive early years of marriage; I knew well that a healthy relationship required sacrifice and work. The whole 50/50 analogy had been debunked long ago. A thriving marriage requires the full effort of both parties, and more sometimes. ›

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We had several decisions to make— but at the crux was how to move forward with forgiveness when all we wanted to do was sit in bitterness and condemn. The old phrase, “forgive and forget” is more of a slap in the face than a token of truth. It’s impossible to forget when we’ve been wounded. We can’t pop a magic pill and erase all the memories, nor can we ignore our

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My husband went to see a therapist. It helped him process. It let me off the hook of having to be the sole sounding board for all his feelings. I shielded my children for six months and avoided speaking to my own father as those wounds felt fresh again. I clung to the voice of my mother who spoke about grief, shame, and letting go. With clenched fists, I swung at God, wanting desperately to blame Him, but my faith was too concrete to stay in that place for longer than a moment.

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I came to several conclusions: I could offer grace to the guilty, and compassion to the offender, or not. I could choose to be tender to those who had hurt and disappointed me, or let bitterness eat at my heart and rob me of joy. The answers were so simple, yet the actions were beyond difficult.

I started with offering a gracious hug to those who had made poor decisions. I chose compassion, rather than cruelty, humility in place of pride, and peace instead of hostility. After all, who was I to claim perfection? Was I faultless— having never inflicted pain toward another soul? Had I never felt the humiliation of groveling for someone’s mercy and hope for a second chance?

I cannot explain the agony we walked through.

The conclusions my young children arrived at were sad and fascinating. For weeks I would have to sit and explain to them, “when mommy and daddy argue, it doesn’t mean we are getting a divorce,” and “no, even when you are grown-up, we will still stay married, because we love each other and we are committed to one another.” Their questions were fair; I didn’t always have answers, and often I was struggling to understand myself.

I made mistakes along the way. I didn’t do everything right. But there are no manuals for these bumps in life’s journey.

I did my best, and I forced myself to believe that others were doing theirs also.

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The ache is still present— I don’t subscribe to the belief that, “time heals all wounds.” It can’t. But with time, I am learning to heal by choosing to accept others, offer forgiveness, and extend mercy. &

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POSTCARDS FROM

LOUISVILLE, KY WORDS & IMAGES BY MADELINE MULLENBACH

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Asking a Louisvillian to narrow down the city into the top 10 places, is close to impossible.

Louisville was recently named the #1 Top Food City in the World by National Geographic, so don’t eat at a chain restaurant here. Make your stay as authentic and local as you can! I hope this list can give you a good idea of just what Louisville has to offer.

4TH STREET LIVE In the heart of Louisville, 4th Street Live is home to many award winning restaurants, a bowling alley and live music. It’s the place to go for 21 & over nightlife.

Instagram: @4thstlive www.4thstlive.com (opposite page)

21C MUSEUM & HOTEL What’s better than “free” and “open 24/7”?

21c is home to thought provoking and outof-this-world art exhibits. When you see the red penguins, you know you are in the right place.

Instagram: @21chotels www.21cmuseumhotels.com (below)

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BARDSTOWN ROAD Home to some Louisville locals, Bardstown Road features restaurants, bars, coffee shops, boutiques, record stores, thrift shops, you name it.

Instagram: #bardstownroad

THE BIG FOUR BRIDGE Bring a coat to this one, you’ll want to bear the cold for this sight! Louisvillians will tell you that this is the best view of the city, and after sunset LED color-changing lights line the bridge. Walk 1/2 mile over the Ohio River to Indiana, or walk half way and turn back to grab some coffee to warm your hands.

Instagram: #bigfourbridge

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BECKLEY CREEK PARK With trails for hiking and biking and a lake for fishing, hunting and canoeing, Beckley Creek is a must stop for the outdoor lovers.

It’s a family friendly place that will appeal to everyone.

Instagram: #beckleycreekpark

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FEAST BBQ You can get the full experience of visiting Kentucky with ordering their Bourbon slushie after finishing off some award winning barbecue.

Instagram: @feastbbq www.feastbbq.com

SUNERGOS COFFEE - MICRO ROASTERY & ESPRESSO BAR Whether at 7am or 7pm, Sunergos coffee hits the spot.

With award-winning espresso and the best baristas, you won’t want to skip this stop. Also, the Preston Street location sits right next to Nords Bakery.

Instagram: @sunergos_coffee www.sunergoscoffee.com

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HAMMERHEADS This Louisville local is the ultimate hidden gem of the city food scene. On a street corner in Germantown, you can find Hammerheads by the infamous shark above the door to a walkout basement. Duck tacos and their chicken and waffle dish are what the locals recommend. www.louisvillehammerheads.com

NORDS BAKERY Nords is a perfect stop right after some Sunergos Coffee, especially since it is only 20 feet down the street. Being known locally for their cookies and doughnuts, you won’t walk out of there with anything but a smile on your face…and maybe some icing.

Instagram: @nordsbakery www.nordsbakery.biz

LOUISVILLE SLUGGER MUSEUM & FACTORY Don’t let the world’s largest baseball bat throw you out. Professional Baseball players are still using the world famous “Louisville Slugger” bats. You can watch them being handcrafted and after the factory tour, you’ll get your own mini bat!

Instagram: @louisvillesluggermuseum www.sluggermuseum.com

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REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB. AMY COOK, Books Wife and soccer mom by day, nerdy bookworm by night. Lover of wine, literature, pie and all things Gone With The Wind. instagram.com/amy1939

ERICA MUSYT, Movies Erica is a 30-something Virginia native who is passionate about family, friends, and the movies! She buys books faster than she reads them, loves ladybugs and all things purple. A movie star at heart, Erica is delighted be a contributor to theAROUND Holl and Lane movie section!

FIND OUR to CONTRIBUTORS THE WEB. lookingtothestars.com

REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS

MICAH CHAPLIN, Music By day, Micah works in the insurance industry, but she’s also a part-time librarian and bartender.

She is an author and blogger with a passion for baseball, music, and craft beer. A native Iowan, she goes to more concerts than movies and occasionally serves as merch girl for musicians passing through her city. unabashedly--me.blogspot.com

NICOLE BEDARD Photographer

Nicole is a Commercial, Editorial and Lifestyle Photographer focusing on Family and Children. She began her photography career in the sports/fitness industry, which has provided her a unique skill set to capture quick playful moments and fun facial expressions of energetic little ones. nicolebedardphotography.com

JACKY MITRIUS Photographer

Jacky is a Los Angeles-based natural light lifestyle photographer who specializes in candid family photography. Her images reflect the genuinely loving, spontaneous, and perfectly imperfect moments in life, and her documentary-style photos preserve what makes each family special. howlandrose.com

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REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB. MADELINE MULLENBACH Photographer

Madeline is based in Louisville, Ky and attending school in Lexington, Ky. She has a passion for capturing the candid moments that are given to us in life. She is a lifestyle & landscape photographer experimenting with portraits just recently! She is pursuing a degree in Communications with a double emphasis in PR and Social Media and is excited to see where this takes her! instagram.com/madelinemullenbach

GENESIS GEIGER Photographer

Genesis is a lifestyle and natural light photographer currently roaming Cincinnati, OH. In her work, she is moved by the quiet moments that sometimes go unnoticed, determined to capture the details that can get lost in the excitement, and completely captivated by the love that can be shared among humanity. Through it all, Genesis’ passion is to freeze time and bring people together through her work. genesisgeiger.com

JULIA DENT Photographer

Julia is a Philadelphia based photographer who enjoys black-and-white and travel photography.

She explores her new city with her Nikon D60 and Siberian Husky and shoots pictures for her photography blog, Philly with a Fjallraven. She loves adventure and would love to travel the world as a photojournalist for National Geographic one day. thephillyphotoblog.com

RADHIKA & IAN MCDIARMID Photographer

Radhika and Ian are wedding and lifestyle photographers based in Durham, NC.They document the deep connection and powerful work of building marriages, because they believe in the unseen wonder of intentionally crafted relationships. radianphotography.com

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ISSUE CONTRIBUTORS

FIND OUR CONTRIBUTORS AROUND THE WEB. Editorial Contributors ALI GRAY darlingforaweekend.com/ ALICE KRISTIANSEN youtube.com/user/alicemusicality AMY COOK instagram.com/amy1939/ ASHLEY BEAUDIN fireandwindco.com BARBARA TOWN townlifestyleanddesign.com BRITTANY LEE SMYTH brittanyeephotography.com BROOKE TAELOR brooketaelor.com CARISSA DENNIS twitter.com/CarissaDennis CELINA BAILEY petitapetitandfamily.com CHRISTINE AMOROSO barenakedinpublic.com CHRISTINE SIMARD gourmetine.com DEVAN DANIELLE devandanielle.com

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ELISA ELLIOT elisaelliot.com

MELISSA RAMPERSAD instagram.com/melissa.larissa/

ERICA MUSYT lookingtothestars.com

MICAH CHAPLIN unabashedly--me.blogspot.com

ERIKA ROA littlefishphoto.com

MICHAEL KOSTIEW

JESSICA UHLER jessuhlerphoto.com

MOLLY JONES PHOTOGRAPHY http://www.mojonesphotography. com/

LACEY MONROE laceymonroephotography.com

NATASHA KELLY natashakellyphotography.com

LAUREN SCOTTI instagram.com/laurenscotti

SARAH COLLINS sarahcollinsphotography.com

LIZ HUNTER instagram.com/lizhun83/

SHEILA IRWIN maisondecinq.blogspot.com

JANICE LOMBARDI instagram.com/ janicelombardidesigns/

STEPHAN BONTRAGER

JENNIFER BURGER simplyfiercely.com JONI SCHRANTZ facebook.com/junipersheart/ MADELINE MULLENBACH madelinemullenbach.pixieset.com MALINDA FULLER instagram.com/malinda.fuller MIA SUTTON thechroniclesofchaos.com

VICKI HULL vickihullphotography.com Photo Contributors Cover Photo - JANE ANNE BARKER instagram.com/barkerjaneanne Page 42 - JULIA DENT thephillyphotoblog.com Page 61 - ALLI PETERS instagram.com/alli.mpls Page 84 - RADHIKA & IAN MCDIARMID radianphotography.com

5 QUESTIONS WITH

ASHLEY BEAUDIN ASHLEY IS THE CREATOR OF FIRE + WIND CO., A BUSINESS FOCUSED ON INSPIRING WOMEN THROUGH COPYWRITING. SHE ALSO STARTED A REVOLUTION AMONGST BUSINESS OWNERS BY CREATING #THEIMPERFECTBOSS ALL ABOUT CELEBRATING THE JOURNEY ENTREPRENEURS GO THROUGH. FIREANDWINDCO.COM

1. IF YOU COULD RELIVE ANY MOMENT FROM YOUR PAST, WHAT WOULD IT BE? There are not many moments that I'd love to relive! Maybe the first time I volunteered overseas, the first time I spoke in front of an audience, the first time I had words published or the first time I met my best friends.

2. WHAT IS ONE TALENT YOU DON'T HAVE BUT WISH YOU DID? I feel like this is a common answer, but it is because it is such a good one! I wish I could sing. Like belt-it-out and give-everyone-goosebumps type of singing! Yes, please.

3. WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTERISTIC IN ANOTHER PERSON TO YOU? The most important characteristic to me is passion. Live your life with it. Whatever your work is, do it with passion.

Without it, my question stands, what are you really doing and why are you doing it?

4. WHAT IS ONE MATERIAL THING YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT? I can absolutely not live without my journal. I need to write down the thoughts and ideas when they come to me, by hand.

5. WHAT IS TRUE HAPPINESS TO YOU? True happiness is doing what I feel called to do with my entire heart and being surrounded by people who love and can receive love so well.

IMAGE BY BRITTANY LEE SMYTH

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