he tells the pastor he doesn’t think the torture and crucifixion was the worst part of Jesus’ death. He said he thought it was feeling forsaken by God and his friends and how that suffering must be the greatest a person can experience.” Tina squeezed John’s hand. “Do you believe that? About suffering?” she said. “I think so. It all made sense,” he said. “Maybe it’s true or maybe it’s just the way they think in old Swedish films. I can’t explain why, but I understood it, the way that I can’t explain why I’m here, in this church, but I understand it.” “You understand Swedish films?” “Not Swedish, like the language, but how Swedish movies feel,” John said. “Something about them. My Dad has dozens of those movies. I watched them all summer. He was off at work, and I was home alone because Meg didn’t come and I can’t drive. So I just watched those movies. There was this one about a girl who goes crazy and thinks God is a spider and there’s another one about a knight playing chess with death. I tried to learn chess, but I suck at it.” “Is that the deal with ‘Johan’?” said Tina. John struggled to answer. He knew it was connected, but he never tried explaining it. “Dad told me about how my grandfather came from Sweden. Mostly I just think of those movies, and they make me feel more alone, but more not alone.” “So you’re acting Swedish.” “I am Swedish. More than any other thing. But those movies made sense. I started thinking maybe I come from somewhere.” “Maybe you should just join the film club,” said Tina. “Maybe.” “And this church?” “Grandpa was Lutheran. He said no self-respecting Swede would be anything else. Dad said Grandpa almost didn’t go to his wedding because Mom’s a Baptist.” “Harsh.” “Dad doesn’t even go to church. But I like it here. It makes sense to me, like those movies.” Tina was prettier than John remembered. He pictured himself kissing her cheek, but left it undisturbed. Perhaps if he were Italian, if he were Giovanni, he would have seized her and caressed her and kissed her until she was enraptured, and the church would glow with candles and summer warmth and an invigorating Mediterranean breeze. But he held the moment, held her hand, and tried to burn the image of her naked face into his mind. He tried to connect it with the face he had always known. “I haven’t been in a church for a long time,” said Tina. “Maybe the SANTA CLARA REVIEW
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