Finding Saint Barbara's Finger by Montecito Journal

NEW YEAR, NEW SENTINEL

WE’VE RESOLVED TO EAT BETTER, EXERCISE MORE AND KEEP EACH EDITION ON THE RACKS FOR TWO WEEKS AT A TIME; HERE ARE THE CHANGES WE’RE MAKING FOR 2014, P. 5

THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER

BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP OUR SHOP GIRL FROM TAKING A TRIP RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE TO HAWTHORN BOUTIQUE, WHERE OWNER KAREN BAUER STOCKS SANTA BARBARA STYLES, P. 24

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FINDING SAINT BARBARA’S FINGER

Jeff Wing HOW AN ADMINISTRATIVE FOUL-UP SEEDED MONASTIC HOME FOR ANCIENT APPENDAGE byspecial from Mission & State

t will surprise some to learn that the Saint Barbara after whom our fair town is named is not Streisand, but a reportedly beautiful, 4th-century firebrand who was done in by her idol-worshipping father when he learned she had found Jesus. He later received his fiery comeuppance, while his martyred daughter entered the pantheon of the holy.

15 DAYS A WEEK PAGE 10

PRESIDIOSPORTS PAGE 16

Some 1,400 years later, on the eve of Saint Barbara’s feast day, conquistador Sebastian Vizcaino was caught in a particularly wild storm off the central coast of Alta California while doing a little colonial window-shopping for Mother Spain. Panicked, he gripped the ship’s riggings and swore a heartfelt oath of fealty to the first cloud-dwelling saint who came to mind should she see him to ...continued p.30

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State Street Scribe – Jeff Wing spends a day near Ojai with the monastic guardians of Saint Barbara’s centuries-old finger and learns not only about the physical side of faith but the manner in which the IRS inadvertently helped create a monastery. (Terrific piece, Jeff, we hope to see more from you and Mission & State.)

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azza’s Missive – Changes are afoot for the Sentinel in 2014 and EIC Matt lets you in M on the secret right here. (It’s not much of a secret, actually, but that’s all we had in our stream of consciousness table of contents.)

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It’s Crimetime – Yes it is. From brotherly love to old men and their cocks – er, ah, roosters – 2014 is off to a criminally strong start.

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T he Beer Guy – Zach Rosen celebrates 12 Beers of Christmas with the Santa Barbeerians. He also does something with something called an “Ale Flip.” You’ve been warned.

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L etters to the Editor – Kids write to Matt and he responds (whoa); Zach Rosen is praised; Jeff Harding is bashed; Mac McGill is homeless; Jose Arturo is not (for now, anyway, he’s vacationing in Mexico); Don likes the Sentinel. Et cetera.

15 Days a Week – We know, it doesn’t have the same ring as 8 Days a Week but, due to the aforementioned changes that you can read about in Mazza’s Missive, it’s a necessary revision. Read up to get your biweekly fix of Jeremy Harbin’s twisted sense of humor, or just to figure out what the cool kids are doing around town for the next fifteen days.

Santa Barbara View – Mayor Schneider, Frank Hotchkiss, Bendy White and Gregg Hart were sworn in recently, and almost immediately faced an angry torch and pitchfork-toting mob of anti-gang injunction folk (welcome back!); Santa Barbara cyclists are insane. (We’d make a meth-cyclist joke here but it just doesn’t feel right.)

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Presidio Sports – SBART Athletes of the Week, Special Olympics Athlete of the Month, Scholar-Athlete of the Year and all the local sports you can handle, right here.

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Mad Science – Will yourself to go read Rachelle Oldmixon’s piece on the breaking of resolutions and the science behind willpower; you might just be able to keep that “eat healthier/drink less” promise you made to start 2014.

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JAN 18

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Shop Girl – Kateri Wozny sits down with Karen Bauer at Hawthorn Boutique on Santa Claus Lane. Then she shops. (Hawthorn looks great, Kateri, thanks for this one.) Pump It – Jenny Schatzle is pumped for 2014. Think closet cleaning, an anti-sugar nutrition rant and one hell of a hard workout. Oh, and the results from Bestside Bonnie Keinath and San Roque Jay Caplan’s schponschorschip at the end of last year. Let’s just say both succeeded – go read for details – and are continuing on with Jenny in 2014. Congrats!

The Weekly Capitalist – In true free-market capitalist fashion, Jeff Harding selfpromotes his Real Estate Investment course at City College. Better get registered soon. Food File – Peruvian cuisine comes to Santa Barbara and does not disappoint; Christina Enoch hits Blue Tavern and likes what she sees and eats (and drinks). So get in there already.

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Keepin’ It Reel – Jim Luksic has been to strip clubs and Amsterdam’s red light district, apparently, and saw less nudity and sex in those places than in his beloved Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street (he’s actually right, we’ve seen the movie and it’s downright delightfully (disgustingly?) deviant). Jim reviews other flicks too, so go bone up before you hit the multiplex.

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Man About Town – Mark Léisuré talks dating for 40-somethings. Oh boy, Mark, we’re going to have to discuss this at the next editorial meeting. (Forget it, we don’t have editorial meetings; that’s so yesterday.)

You Have Your Hands Full – Mara Peters and company have really committed to a variety of New Year’s Resolutions this year. Can they keep them? (Spoiler Alert: Not a snowball’s chance in hell.)

The Santa Barbara Skinny – Wine and dine up at Bacara with the Meet the Masters series (fun); then detox with the Get Back to Your Body 2014 program (still fun but maybe a bit less so). The Weekend Guide gets you out on the town to boot.

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Calcag-Knows Real Estate – Our residential real estate super expert-cum-amateur meteorologist and neophyte taxidermist, the one and only Michael Calcagno (wait, what?), brings the local real estate numbers for December 2013 and a few new listings. Justin Kellenberger serves up the numbers.

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MAZZA’S MISSIVE by Matt Mazza

Santa Barbara’s Finest Newsazine

hate wasting editorial space talking about what the Sentinel could do or will do or might do someday in the future. I guess I’m a believer in just doing stuff rather than talking a whole bunch about doing stuff. This week, for example, I’d love to be starting off Volume 3 of this fine publication by writing about, oh I don’t know, Peruvian cuisine, for example. Or already-broken resolutions etched in stone just one short week ago. Maybe even the science behind our individual exercise of willpower and how it could help stop a bizarre cookie addiction. Wait, what’s that? All that’s already covered in this issue? Then, ah, let’s talk about what the Sentinel is going to do this year. Publisher Tim, Designer Trent and I took a bit of a break between Christmas and New Year’s and then did some actual reflecting upon the past year. (None of us really had much time to do that in 2013.) We went back and read lots of issues,

we talked through what we believe to be strengths and weaknesses and we discussed how best to move into the future. As we talked, one concept kept coming up again and again; the Sentinel isn’t really a “newspaper” as the world defines one. (Shocking, I know.) It wasn’t long after that revelation before one of us piped up and asked, “Well, if we aren’t a ‘newspaper’ in the conventional sense, then what the hell are we?” Silence. Then, a breakthrough. I don’t remember who said it, but it went something like this: “I think we’re more like a weekly magazine than anything else. Or like a weird hybrid between a paper and a magazine.” That’s right. We’re a damned magpaper; a newsazine. And we like it. We like it enough, in fact, to nurture it. So we decided to make a change. We’re going biweekly. In other words, we’ll put out one paper

every two weeks. (Check the cover: Every other week from pier to peak.) Sort of like a cross between a weekly rag and monthly mag. A magpaper. A newsazine. Why? Why make the change now, when the paper has been growing and continues to attract more readers, advertisers and contributors? There are many reasons, of course, but the keys are that (1) we want to focus on longer features that continue to bring information about what’s happening around town to our readers in our very own special way and (2) we want to create a solid value proposition for our advertisers, many of whom are small and medium-sized local businesses looking for exposure to a broad-based demographic. Nobody in SB is doing anything like this (although there are lots of examples outside the area), and we will increase our distribution as part of the new modus operandi. And, frankly, we look forward to keeping our features and other columns on the racks a bit longer. As part of this move, Mission & State (www.missionandstate.org) has provided a terrific story (our cover) about Saint Barbara’s devout finger keepers and how the bumbling IRS inadvertently founded a monastery. (Right up our alley, guys, keep ‘em coming.) We're exploring additional quality content as well, so stay tuned.

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With that, go forth, Sentinel loyalists, and read actively those stories on Peruvian food and cookie addiction. There’s plenty more coming. You have our collective word. Happy 2014 everybody; here’s to another good year.

STUFF I LIKE

I like being brief this week. Here goes. I absolutely loved my time last year seeing the UCSB Spoken Word troupe (are they a troupe?) at SOhO. The performers were professional, reasonably polished and damned funny (not to mention introspective and downright philosophical). And they’re coming back to SOhO on January 22. Tickets are $10 at the door, but I’d highly recommend reserving in advance to ensure you are upfront for the show. It was sold out last year and will undoubtedly be again. I also really like photography and UCSB Arts & Lectures is delivering another quality talk at Campbell Hall. Photog/ Conservationist Joel Sartore will be there on Sunday, January 12, at 3pm, to give a talk entitled Close Encounters: Grizzlies, Piranhas and Man-Eating Pigs as part of A&L’s National Geographic Live series. Call (805) 893-3535, or go to www.artsandlectures.ucsb.edu for tickets and information. Peace and love everybody. See you in a couple weeks!

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It'sCrimetime...

They also found out that she was on a no alcohol felony probation. Oops.

...with the SBPD Pants Fetish

A variety of crimes are committed every day in Santa Barbara; most of these crimes are petty but they do offer a window into if not the soul of the perpetrator, at least his or her thought process. Our following (and totally unsolicited) thoughts, observations and comments are put forth for your consideration.

Brotherly Love

39-year-old Santa Barbara man attacked his naked brother in the shower with a steak knife, screaming “I’m gonna kill you” before stabbing him twice in the upper back and shoulder. (Why’d he do it? The hygienic brother had asked the hyper-aggressive brother to iron a shirt while he was showering.) The men’s (boys’?) father stopped the attack and the more murderous son fled on foot. The less murderous son didn’t think the stab wounds were serious – just a flesh wound as our friend John Cleese might say – so he went to his NA meeting (in a bloodstained and rather wrinkled shirt, we bet). When he came home from the meeting, the good son found that his truck had disappeared; his rather aggressive kin had returned and taken it over their father’s objection. “Either he’s coming for the truck or the cops are going to get it,” were the last words the bad brother let fly as he drove off. He was right. SBPD responded to a crash on the 101 later that night and, when officers arrived, they found that the stolen truck was involved. Then they found the stabbing, stealing, crashing and otherwise rather unfortunate son walking back to the house where the whole thing started and arrested him just after midnight. What a day.

Dine and Ditch(digger) A highly intoxicated 36-year-old Goleta woman consumed over $100 worth of grub at a favorite local restaurant one evening last week. Then she left without paying. The restaurant’s brave manager chased her down and called the cops, who responded quickly. The ne’er-do-well contended she’d left $20 on the table, but it wasn’t found. (And, if our math is right, wouldn’t have covered the check anyway. Details.) Officers found $3 and no cards on her during a search incident to arrest.

Publisher • Tim Buckley | Editor-in-Chief • Matt Mazza Design/Production • Trent Watanabe Contributing Partners Opinion • sbview.com | Sports • Presidiosports.com Santa Barbara Skinny • SantaBarbaraSkinny.com Columnists Shop Girl • Kateri Wozny | You Have Your Hands Full • Mara Peters Plan B • Briana Westmacott | The Dish • Wendy Jenson Journal Jim • James Buckley | Real Estate • Michael Calcagno Commercial Corner • Austin Herlihy | The Weekly Capitalist • Jeff Harding Man About Town • Mark Leisure | In The Garden • Randy Arnowitz The Beer Guy • Zach Rosen | The Mindful Word • Diana M. Raab Girl About Town • Julie Bifano | In The Zone • Jeremy Harbin Mad Science • Rachelle Oldmixon | Keepin’ It Reel • Jim Luksic Pump It • Jenny Schatzle | Faces Of Santa Barbara • Patricia Clarke Photographer • Wendi Mazza | Stylin’ & Profilin’ • Megan Waldrep Howlin’ at the Moon • Joseph Timmons | Food File • Christina Enoch Advertising/Sales Tanis Nelson 805.689.0304 • tanis@santabarbarasentinel.com Sue Brooks 805.455.9116 • sue@santabarbarasentinel.com Judson Bardwell 619.379.1506 • judson@santabarbarasentinel.com Published by SB Sentinel, LLC PRINTED BY NPCP INC., SANTA BARBARA, CA Santa Barbara Sentinel is compiled every Friday 133 EAST DE LA GUERRA STREET, #182, Santa Barbara 93101 How to reach us: 805.845.1673 • E-MAIL: matt@santabarbarasentinel.com

A 36-year-old Carpinteria woman was detained by loss prevention specialists at a large retailer one night last week. She’d been seen placing two pairs of women’s pants and a ring into her purse, strolling casually to the counter, paying for another less expensive item and then walking out. Officers questioned her upon their arrival and she advised that her bi-polar disorder and ADHD were acting up; she hadn’t been taking her medication due to a purported pending pregnancy. She failed to mention that she’d had multiple prior petty theft convictions. Add one more to the list.

Thelma & Louise Speaking of theft, two criminal masterminds in their mid-twenties – who also happen to be, like, roommates – walked into a local gym and said they were interested in joining. They filled out questionnaires (with fake names, of course) and were given a tour. While in the ladies locker room, they ransacked a locker and stole a member’s wallet, iPad and cell phone. Then they ran all over town using her stuff. Too bad that the locker areas of many gyms have cameras designed to catch thieves yet preserve the privacy of those changing. Too bad the cards used were quickly reported as stolen. Too bad people who steal things don’t often think about how easy it will be to catch them, and what a huge pain in the rear it is for their victims to deal with the fallout. Too bad they are now facing a smorgasbord of burglary charges. (Oh wait, that’s not too bad. Throw the book at ‘em.)

Stop the Drunk Driving Already A 28-year-old man visiting from Villa Park rammed his car into another and drove away. A quick bystander called the cops and followed him until he stopped in the middle of a nearby street. Mr. Villa Park blew a .34, just over four times the legal limit. It was 10:45am on a weekday. Wow. Similarly, an alert citizen followed a black BMW that was dangerously swerving all over Highway 101 from Santa Claus Lane as it made its way to town, where it exited at Laguna Street and nearly smashed into a parked car. Then it ran a bunch of stop signs and drove up on a curb. When officers arrived, a 42-year-old woman stumbled out of the car, reeking of booze and slurring her words, and blew a .27. Just under four times the legal limit. It was 1:30pm on a weekday. Wow again.

Old Men and Their Aggressive Roosters On Sunday, January 5, SB County Sheriff’s Deputies responded to a call regarding a large number of vehicles gathered on a field near the Santa Maria Airport. They pulled up and heard, much to their surprise, the sounds of grown men and roosters. (You know, cocks.) Upon seeing the deputies, 20 or 30 men fled on foot. Some dragged their cocks with them; others left their cocks behind. Enough evidence was found to demonstrate that this whole thing had been some sort of reasonably sophisticated cock-fighting ring. A number of arrests were made, including an 85-year-old man, a 77-year-old man and a 55-year-old man. All we can figure is that either these old guys couldn’t run as fast as their younger rooster-enthusiast compatriots, or their cocks were just too darn big and impeded their getaway. Hard to know. Here’s one thing we do know. Chickens are awesome animals and we love them. So don’t make them fight. It’s inhumane.

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Letters

Although you might not believe it, we actually want to hear from you. So if you have something you think we should know about or you see something we've said that you think is cretinous (or perspicacious, to be fair), then let us know. There's no limit on words or subject matter, so go ahead and let it rip to: Santa Barbara Sentinel, Letters to the Editor, 133 East De La Guerra Street, No. 182, Santa Barbara, California 93101. You can also leap into the 21st century and email us at letters@santabarbarasentinel.com.

one with a response but Publisher Tim wouldn’t permit it. (“Too much space,” he barked. Kidding.) Here are a few excerpts that made me smile. I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as I did. – MSM Dear Matt, I really appreciate you coming to our classroom. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that I like your haircut. It was nice to know that you are a lawyer. I have one question: When you are sick, do you have any backups? Thanks for the news. – Alexander (Editor’s Note: Thanks for the confidence builder on my new hairdo, Alexander, shaving it all off has been quasi-traumatic. No, I don’t have any backup on the legal side; I’m pretty much a one-man operation and sickness isn’t exactly a viable option. (Life’s not all sunshine and butterflies, kid.) For the paper, though, I have a wonderful group of editorial geniuses to bail me out of all my silly mistakes. And Publisher Tim is always watching my back. (Well, usually, anyway.) Thanks again, Alexander, keep working hard in school. – MSM) ...continued p.14

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The Children Are Our Future ditor’s Note: Believe it or not, I’m occasionally asked to speak to people about stuff. Sometimes it’s about how I left the law firm world and started my own shop; sometimes it’s about how I dropped everything with my family, traveled around the world and wrote a fun blog; and, yes, perhaps most shockingly, sometimes it’s about coowning and editing this very publication. Perhaps least shockingly, I typically stand up there and wing it, but my feeling is that people generally enjoy themselves. (I could be wrong.) I’ve spoken in a few classes at City College and one at UCSB. Most recently, I spoke in my third grade daughter’s class. Tough crowd. With that said, the third graders are the only ones who actually wrote me thank yous; my kid brought them home after school and I absolutely loved them. Each one has a terrific picture or other design on the front (lots of Sentinel mock-ups!), and then some kind words and a question or two inside. Very clever. And very fun. I wanted to publish each and every

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January 16, 2014 6 p.m. Champagne & hors d’oeuvres reception in the Miro Wine Cellar 7 p.m. Exquisite four-course tasting menu by Miró Chef Johan Denizot paired with Fred Dame’s favorite wines

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by Zach Rosen

“A PLACE CALLED VERTIGO” - U2

Nineteen Years of Holiday Cheer With the Barbeerians Beer judging is serious work. (Mostly, anyway.)

Guitar: Reverend “Pete Anderson PA-1” Madeleine Smith, Assistant Manager, Corks n’ Crowns, Funk Zone

eturning to work after a holiday break reminds me of being back in elementary school. The teacher always had everyone get up in front of class and give a summary of what they did during their vacation. Great. Well, class, there are plenty of stories from my time off, but looking back, the clear highlight of my vacation was the 12 Beers of Christmas. Now in its 19th year, this holiday party and beer competition, often just called 12 Beers, is a favorite event among the local homebrewing community. Each year local homebrewers submit their own holiday ales to the Santa Barbeerians, our local homebrewing club. The beers go through a preliminary judging round and the six highest scoring homebrews get to compete in 12 Beers. The Barbeerians then judge a selection of commercially available holiday beers and the top six from that round go onto 12 Beers. The competition at 12 Beers pits homebrewers against professional breweries and determines who can make the best festive brew.

The Beginning of a Tradition

Before it was the Santa Barbeerians, the club was known as the Santa Barbara County Homebrewers Association, a rather large, clumsy name. When Pete

Johnson, co-owner and brewmaster of The Brewhouse, joined the club in January of 1995, one of the first changes he helped implement was a new club name. By December of that year, the relabeled Santa Barbeerians were ready for their first 12 Beers of Christmas. The event was held at Pete’s house and has been hosted there ever since.

Judging Sillyness

12 Beers is all about fun and the judging is more informal than the standardized format that accompanies regular homebrew meetings. Everyone is encouraged to be a judge, regardless of experience. Rather than ugly Christmas sweaters, guests are encouraged to wear a goofy hat. The sight of all the different silly headgear alone almost serves as a statement about the casual atmosphere of the event. Dozens throng around tables, scoring beers amidst jokes and general banter, a much different feeling than the solemn scene that accompanies other beer competitions. In a normal judging session, individual categories (aroma, appearance, flavor, mouthfeel and overall impression) are scored independently and then combined to give a final score. At the 12 Beers of Christmas, the different brews are rated on a scale from 1 – 20 based on their overall likeability. The beers come out one at a Overheard at Corks n’ Crowns:

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Pete Johnson leads the surly congregation in beer caroling, a rather lovely event.

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Zach Rosen is a Certified Cicerone® and beer educator living in Santa Barbara. He uses his background in chemical engineering and the arts to seek out abstract expressions of beer and discover how beer pairs with life.

time; in between the rounds, the merry beer judges break into song, singing beerthemed Christmas carols like the classic, “Simcoe: The Big Nosed Hop Cone.” The centerpiece of the evening is a whole roasted pig. At the first several 12 Beers they would serve honey baked hams but the whole pig was introduced when Pete met Randy Jones of The Pork Palace in Gaviota. The grain left over from the brewing process usually does not end up in the trash. Often times a local farmer will come collect it and use it as a livestock feed. The Brewhouse’s spent grain is used to feed Randy’s pigs and he shows his gratitude by donating a pig to the event. Pork. Beer. Yum. This year, about 20 commercial beers and 10 homebrews were submitted. No surprise, Telegraph Winter Ale made the cut and went to the final round. It took us a couple of hours to get through all 12 beers but after the scores were tallied, He’Brew Jewbelation Reborn was determined the winner. This 17% ABV beast definitely packed more flavor and punch than any of the other brews. This is also when the Barbeerians announce the Homebrewer of the Year. The club has a competition each month. Points are given to a brewer every time one of their beers wins first (3 points), second (2 points) or third place (1 point). At the end of the year all the points are tallied up and the brewer with the most points wins the title. This year it was Josh Ellis who received the honor. Congrats Josh!

‘Tis the Season to Share

The sun was beginning to set by the time the winners were announced, but, most

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importantly, the pig was finished roasting. The real party was about to begin. (Maybe I should say it again for emphasis: Pork. Beer. Yum. There.) As food continued to come out, bottles started popping up all over the place. Looking around I saw people reaching into their coolers and backpacks; I even think I witnessed someone pulling a bottle out of their shoe. (That one tasted a little funky, or it may have just been a lambic.) Everyone likes to bring something special to 12 Beers and many of these brews have been held onto just for this event. Everyone sharing his or her bottles always seems like the most fun game of musical chairs you will ever play (dare I say musical beers). As soon as a bottle is popped open, people circle around it, filling their glass until no more brew is left. The loser is the one who doesn’t get any beer, although I don’t think anyone felt like a loser. Once a bottle is emptied, the next round is just a crack of a cap away.

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Flipping Out

A fire pit outside kept people warm as night set in and the temperature started dropping. Conversations drifted above the flames with the crackle of logs accenting the scene. Inside, the fireplace was at a full roar as well. I walked up to see an iron ...continued p.31

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15•Days• a•Week We Ain’t Got Nothin’ But Love, Babe…

by Jeremy Harbin

Want to be a part of Fifteen Days A Week?

Space is limited, but if you have an event, exhibit, performance, book signing, sale, opening, trunk show or anything else interesting or creative that readers can attend, let us know at 805-845-1673 or email us at tim@santabarbarasentinel.com. We’ll consider all suggestions, but we will give extra consideration to unusual events and/or items, especially those accompanied by a good visual, particularly those that have yet to be published.

Friday

Sunday

Video the New Year

Free Show

January 12

January 10

Welcome to 2014, everyone! You might have noticed that this calendar is a bit longer than the usual eight-day week you’re used to. Well, it turns out that last issue’s year-end extended 15-day calendar was so popular, our higherups here at the Sentinel decided to go biweekly so we could do it every issue. Yet another way the Department of Calendaring here at 8 Days, or 15 Days as it’s now called, is blazing trails. So blaze your own trails this new year – and document those trails in film – by signing your student up for the Granada Theatre Video Workshop. Today is the deadline to enroll in the workshop, which takes place on Mondays and Wednesdays from 3:15 to 5:30pm at the Santa Barbara County Education Office (4400 Cathedral Oaks Road) until April 16. Participants will earn community service credit while working with filmmaker Jennie Reinish to learn about video production and make movies about local nonprofits. Tuition is $150. Sign up by emailing granadavideoworkshop@gmail.com or by calling Jennie Reinish at 805.452.7069. Classes start on Monday (the 13th).

Saturday

It’s not every day you get to see a band that’s both Grammy nominated and L.A. Weekly-dubbed Best Alternative Band of the Year 2012, but today you can see La Santa Cecilia for free at the Marjorie Luke Theatre (721 East Cota Street) at 7pm. You can meet the band, take photos and have refreshments afterward. This event is presented by ¡Viva el Arte de Santa Bárbara! For more information, call 805.884.4087 x7.

Monday January 13

Models at the Library

They’re everyone’s favorite kind of models: three-dimensional ones! The class 3D Modeling and Printing – A Primer is being offered by the Santa Barbara Central Library (40 East Anapamu Street) today from 6 to 8pm. Participants – adults and kids eight and up – will learn the basics of 3D modeling and some student designs will be chosen for printing. Register for the free session at www.sbplibrary.org. There’s another class on January 27.

Tuesday January 14

Student Art in the Funk Zone

January 11

Brace Yourself

Will my crooked-teethed children resent me later in life if I don’t get them braces? Have you seen my retainer? Do you accept American Express? These are all questions that we assume will be covered by doctors Raymond Kubisch and Drew Ferris today at the Goleta Library’s (500 North Fairview Avenue) Top 10 Questions to Ask an Orthodontist event. So if you’re considering orthodontics for yourself or a loved one, head to the library this morning at 11am for an hour and 15 minutes of what will surely be a non-stop thrill ride through the world of corrective hardware for your mouth.

Today’s a good day to head down to the Funk Zone to take in some art. Wall Space Gallery (116 East Yanonali Street C-1) began showing their latest exhibit, Home, last week, and it’ll be on display until February 2. The show is co-produced by The Visual Arts & Design Academy of Santa Barbara High School and features the work of about 20 students. Contact the gallery at 805.637.3898 or on www.wall-spacegallery.com. Wall Space is open today from 11am to 5pm.

Wednesday January 15

Art is Important

Cleanse Yourself

If your holiday season has been anything like ours, you’ve been running on a steady diet of casseroles, cookies and carbs and you haven’t had a green vegetable since sometime in early December. Get into the healthy swing of 2014 with Lolë Atelier (714 State Street) and The Juice Club. Their 4 Week Juice Detox and Fitness Program started last Saturday, and a new group starts the program today. The $165 for the three-day juice cleanse gets you a lot of bonus stuff to shape you up: fitness classes, spa treatments, discounts on personal training, discounts on more juice and discounts on Lolë clothing. The classes take place for the next four Saturdays starting today at Lolë at 10:30am. To sign up, email Allison Antoinette at aa@ thejuiceclub.com.

1431 San Andres Street

What is a calendar? What does it mean to be bound by or free of the constraints of time? We explore these concepts and others related to it like age, space, dimension, behavior and culture in this “calendar” every week. (Are there 8 days in a week? 15? Who has the authority to define such a thing?) Just kidding. We just thought it would be fun to try

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our hand at art show press release writing. That’s pretty much how they all read. Anyway, explore concepts ‘till you’re blue in the face over at the Jane Deering Gallery (128 East Canon Perdido Street) today by checking out The Land Has Many Parts, a show in which 17 contemporary artists explore questions of land, the landscape and the environment. It was all inspired by In the Wilds, the book by Nigel Peake. It’s on display from today until February 15. For more information, contact the gallery at 805.966.3334 or visit www.janedeeringgallery.com.

Thursday January 16

Masters of Dinner

Miró is the restaurant at Bacara Resort and Spa (8301 Hollister Avenue), and today it kicks off its new Meet the Masters dining series. Chef Johan Denizot will offer a four-course tasting menu with pairings by Fred Dame, master sommelier and founder of the Court of Master Sommeliers. Each event begins with champagne and hors d’oeuvres before dinner. For more info and to reserve your spot, go to www.bacararesort.com.

Friday January 17 MLK Day

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day isn’t until Monday, but Congregation B’nai B’rith (1000 San Antonio Creek Road) is celebrating early. Their free event starts today at 7:30pm. There will be performances by SoulAviv, the Shir Chadash Choirs and the Unity Gospel Choir of Los Angeles. A sermon will be delivered by Reverend Wallace Shepherd of Second Baptist Church. Call 805.964.7869 for more information.

Saturday January 18

Oh, Hi, Puppets

If you love puppets (and we know that you do), you’ll want to load up the kiddos and make the drive to Ojai today, where the puppeteer Hobey Ford will tell stories with his hand-designed puppets. It all happens at 4pm this afternoon at the Kim Maxwell Studio (226 West Ojai Avenue, Ojai). It’ll only cost you $12 and $8 for your little ones. See www.ptgo.org for more information.

Sunday January 19

Dance Your Sunday Away

Ring in the new year with a little dancing. Academic dancing. The best kind. UCSB’s Department of Theater and Dance brings you Time in Motion, the latest from Artistic Director Christopher Pilafian. The program consists of three parts: one featuring the music of Rachmaninoff, another with classic R&B and “The Moor’s Pavane” by José Limón. Today’s performance is at 2pm at the Hatlen Theater on the UCSB campus. Other performances take place January 15 through 18 at 8pm. Tickets are $13 for students, seniors and UCSB faculty and staff. $17 for everyone else. More info at www.theaterdance.ucsb.edu or by calling 805.893.3022.

Monday January 20 Third Monday

January 21 In Bizness

Are you a woman (or a man) tired of working for “the” man? Want to start your own business but need some guidance? The Women’s Economic Ventures Business Center is a nonprofit that offers

businesses classes and small business loans. They’re offering an hour-long orientation session today from 6 to 7pm that’s required before you can enroll in one of their programs. It’s free, but you’ll need to RSVP to attend. Do so by calling 805.456.2341 or going to www.wevonline.org.

Wednesday January 22 Word Up

Everybody knows it’s the greatest threat to all print media: spoken word performance. (If everyone’s listening to people say words aloud, then why would anyone ever need to read?) Even so, we’ll still recommend tonight’s event at SOhO Restaurant and Music Club (1221 State Street). It’s called Talking to Strangers: An Evening of Spoken Word, and it features the vocal styling of UCSB students and graduates. The event’s organizers – Professor Kip Fulbeck and senior Demi Anter – promise a night of tears, laughter and introspection, not the typical “angry” display many associate with the form. EIC Matt attended last year’s event, and relays that it was “hilarious.” (Check out his write-up in Volume 1 Issue 7 in the Sentinel’s online archives at www. santabarbarasentinel.com for more on the event and what Matt thought.) Doors open tonight at 6pm and 10 to 15 performers go on at 8. It’s $10 to get in.

Thursday January 23 Popping Up

In this very calendar, we’ve seen pop up boutiques, pop up restaurants and pop up roller skating rinks, so why not a pop-up film festival? From noon to midnight today, the Pop Up Film Festival 2014 will screen 12 hours worth of films with a focus on women’s rights at the Arlington Theatre (1317 State Street). Seven films play throughout the day; they cost $15 each or $50 for a full-day pass. Get tickets at the Arlington’s box office or at www.ticketmaster.com. Call 805.963.4408 for more information.

Friday January 24

Magic in the Library

Close and longish-time readers of the Sentinel will remember Chris Ballinger. He’s Santa Barbara’s magician extraordinaire who impressed one writer with his seemingly supernatural skills. It’s now your turn to check out Chris’s magic show; he embarked on a tour of all the Santa Barbara libraries last Tuesday, and today he brings his tricks to the eastside location (1102 East Montecito Street). He’s coming to a library near you, so check out www.sbplibrary.org for a full list of dates. Each of these free performances are recommended for kids three and up.

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It’s the third Monday of the month. You know what that means: It’s time to go eat somewhere that’s open. Instead of going the more traditional restaurant route today, we’re going to Fig Mountain (137 Anacapa Street) to get a beer from Manager Tony and his crew. While we’re there, we’re ordering up a pizza or two from Lucky Penny across the way. The Breakfast on Milpas pizza with chorizo and a sunny side up egg is the favorite around here, but the Ode to Dan Russo might be just as good. Whatever you order, it’s sure to pair nicely (right, Zach Rosen?) with a pint of Fig.

Tuesday

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Santa Barbara’s Online Magazine, Published Twice Daily

sbview.com

City Council Gets Inaugurated… and Inundated by Sharon Byrne

Mayor with Gregg Hart, Bendy White and Frank Hotchkiss getting sworn in.

uesday saw the trading of a House for a Hart, as Frank Hotchkiss put it. Grant House said farewell and was lauded, and Gregg Hart was sworn in with Bendy White, Frank Hotchkiss and the Mayor. In their remarks, each newly re-elected (Hart has served on City Council before) talked about their intentions and hopes for this term. Bendy gave praise for “the rich, open discussions we hold here on council.” He also brought up green energy projects, and then spent quite a bit of time on capital infrastructure needs, always less sexy than other projects, but the kind that bite governments when they’re ignored too long, like failing bridges and pedestrian safety. Frank was excited to be “back in the saddle,” pun clearly intended. He was grateful that we can pass power cordially after elections here in the U.S. That is not possible in some parts of the world. Gregg Hart mused that eight years ago, Grant House took his place on City Council as a departing councilman, and now, he’s taking Grant’s. He feels they share many of the same ideals, and he promised to work hard, be prepared, and do his best for this community. Helene Schneider noted a great snapshot of the community in the room. That was an interesting comment, given the assembly of gang injunction protesters. She acknowledged Goleta Mayor Roger Aceves and former Santa Barbara Mayor Hal Conklin in the room. She then spoke about a renewed sense of optimism in this city. The harsh challenges of the economy and state issues had receded a bit. She praised the level of civic engagement in this city, calling it “unparalleled. It makes us stronger and better.” After a brief punch-and-cookies reception, it was down to the business of wading through public comment, a considerable task for the normally adept peacekeeping mayor, given the organized

protest afoot. A slew of speakers turned in slips, proclaiming to represent the community in standing against the gang injunction. Brandon Morse, with the local chapter of the Republican Liberty Caucus, gave a lengthy speech. He said of the injunction, “You’re declaring more than 75 percent of this city a war zone.” Wearing t-shirt that said “Our PEOPLE are all the same. It’s a gang injunction that divides US,” he closed with, “We don’t need a gang injunction to stop some taggers.” Raquel Mendoza, longtime activist replete with pet Chihuahua in her arms, urged the council to help the young people. She said of a recent visit to Long Beach, “I’m very embarrassed to be from Santa Barbara. There is nothing here for the young people to do.” I’ve heard that sentiment expressed a few times in this discussion, and it rankles. For a girl that grew up in the ‘burbs of Atlanta, where there really was nothing to do but go to the mall, Santa Barbara would have been a godsend. I’d love to ask some kids presently residing in Compton, North Minneapolis, Oakland or the Bronx to spend a week here and then get their thoughts on the subject. Mickey Flacks chastised the council for meeting too much behind closed doors, violating the spirit of democracy and openness proclaimed in their opening remarks. Then it was time for the out-of-town set. One young female with shaved head, formerly homeless in Santa Barbara, now living in Lompoc, said she slept on streets here and was never afraid of gang members or people who looked like gang members. The Youth Justice Coalition from Los Angeles chimed in on their opposition to the injunction. A representative from the ACLU threatened the council with their recent win in the Orange County suit, and then someone from L.A. spoke, saying they’d probably never get the opportunity

to sit in a chair like the council because they weren’t white. Several speakers said it was ridiculous to have a gang injunction for 12 people, though the injunction names 30 defendants. A speaker from Oxnard said the gang injunction has not worked there, though their former police chief disagrees. There was also a guy from Salinas who asserted that the gang injunction targets the people. He came here in solidarity. With few local speakers, not much of a case was made that the actual community in Santa Barbara is against the injunction. Lazaro Gomez, a named defendant in the injunction, was one of the final speakers. He feels like he paid the price for his gang involvement. The injunction means he can’t pick up his kid at school. He told the council, “You gotta give me a job. I want to live in a home like you.” The gang injunction was not on the council agenda, so no action was made after the close of public comment.

Auto Sanctity and Cycle Sanity by Loretta Redd

he weather has been temperate and the holidays long this year – a perfect time, it would seem, to pull out the twowheeler for a healthy spin. But let me issue a warning to all automotive drivers: Santa Barbara cyclists have gone collectively insane. I live close to the Mission. That places me in the triangle of cycling hell. There are the skinny butt, skinny tire, “serious” cyclists in their neon billboard outfits who pump up and fly down the Riviera hills, the once-a-month leisure cyclists enjoying the slightly sloping straight shot from the Mission to the ocean on Laguna, Olive or Garden, and the impervious and death-defying adolescent males who ride on anything, anywhere and anyway they wish, usually in tandem with their hormones. Few wear helmets. None seem to have acquired the ability to use hand signals. Most must be blind, because they apparently cannot see a STOP sign. All ask motorists not to run them over, while tempting them at every turn. I don’t want to hit anyone on a bicycle; it would definitely spoil my day and theirs. But as the adage goes, “The hardest part about riding a bike is the pavement.” This morning’s lunatic award is a tie. There was the cyclist screaming down Olive in a wide zigzag pattern, not bothering to even slow at the STOP signs, one knee up high and then the other,

Sharon Byrne

Sharon Byrne is executive director for the Milpas Community Association, and currently serves on the Advisory Boards for the Salvation Army Hospitality House and Santa Barbara County Alcohol and Drug Problems.

sbview.com leaning into the turns like some deathdefying motocross moron, occasionally up onto the sidewalk, then back onto the street, as unwitting residents were backing out of their driveways and other motorists were caught off-guard by his darting back and forth between cars. When I turned onto Victoria, I was greeted by an oncoming, helmet-free cyclist with his hands tucked under his armpits, sitting upright and singing along with whatever mind-numbing music must have been pouring from his headphones. While in my lane, facing me, he swerved using his hips and made questionable use of his one “free” hand to flip me off, while I later cleaned my brake-slamming, spilled coffee from my lap. Guess who would be cited if I had inadvertently ended either of these joy riders’ jaunts through midtown? Having owned Fleet Feet Triathlete in Atlanta back in the 1980s, I remain a cycling proponent and strong advocate for “sharing the road.” The invention of the bicycle is among the best ever and we would all do well to use cycling for health and to slow down our lives a little. But I’m tired of the lack of etiquette and total disregard for the law when it comes to our peddling pals. Just so you don’t think I simply have a gear to grind, let me invite you to ride over those pesky little speed bumps of California Highway Patrol state regulations regarding bicyclists: 1. When moving slower than traffic, stay near the right edge of the road except when passing another bicycle or vehicle, when getting ready to turn left, when passing a parked car or other objects, or when on a one-way, two-lanes or wider road. 2. Whenever there is a bike lane, you must use it if you are moving slower than normal traffic. You may leave it when necessary to pass another bicycle, pedestrian or vehicle, when getting ready to turn left, or when necessary to avoid parked cars or other objects. 3. Keep at least one hand on the handlebars. Bicyclists must ride on a permanently attached seat. Carry no passengers unless there is a separate seat. 4. Give proper hand signals when turning or stopping. Correct signals are: Left turn - Left arm straight out, pointing left. Right turn - Left arm pointed straight up, or right arm straight out pointing right. Stop - Left arm pointed straight down. 5. Before leaving a lane, give a hand signal. Leave the lane only when safe

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to do so. 6. Never hitch rides by hanging onto or attaching your bicycle to a moving vehicle. 7. Bicyclists may not ride on most freeways. 8. Never leave your bicycle blocking a sidewalk. 9. Headphones covering both ears may not be worn while operating a bicycle. 10. Bicycles must be correctly equipped: Helmet: a person under 18 years of age cannot operate a bicycle or ride as a passenger without a properly fitted helmet that meets the ANSI or SNELL standards. [If it were up to me, helmets would be mandatory, just as they are on motorcycles. They refer to helmets as “brain buckets” for a reason.] Handlebar: must be set so that your hands are no higher than your shoulders when you hold the steering grip area Size: must not be so big that operator can’t safely stop bicycle upright with at least one foot on ground. Brakes: must be able to make one wheel skid on clean, level, dry pavement. Night riding: bicycle must be equipped with a white headlamp, attached to the bike or your body, visible from 300 feet to the front and from the sides, a red rear reflector, white or yellow reflectors on front and back of each pedal, white or yellow reflectors on each side, usually attached on wheel spokes. In support of my two-wheeling readers,

Loretta Redd’s diverse background includes being a psychologist, business owner, non-profit director, Air Force officer, writer, speaker, and executive coach. Loretta has served on several Santa Barbara city committees and has been a candidate for public office.

Loretta Redd

sbview.com

let me assure you that I do not find motorists faultless. Let me share some tips from BicycleSafe.com on How Not to Get Hit by equally clueless drivers and pedestrians. There’s “The Door Prize,” when a vehicle opens its door into the path of an oncoming cyclist, which happens to be the number one crash cause in Santa Barbara. Best way to avoid this unpleasant airborne experience? Slow down, use caution, get a headlamp and when possible, ride further to the side, and never on sidewalks. Those same tips come in handy while avoiding the “Right Cross,” the” Left Cross” and the “Crosswalk Slam” as well. For what the website refers to as the “Wrong Way Wreck,” simply never ride against traffic. It’s three times as dangerous for adults, seven times for children and probably ten times as dangerous if you are on a Colorado high or in some other way impaired.

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The “Red Light” is referred to as the Stop of Death, because of the number of automotive idiots who never signal their intention to turn and plow into the bicyclist when the light turns green. I’m coming to the conclusion that really expensive, foreign cars now consider the turn signal to be optional equipment, while attention-distracting “entertainment systems” are now standard. To avoid the “Right Hook” and the” Rear End,” here are some simple tips: use your mirror. Don’t have one? Get one. Today. Never move to the left without looking behind you and always signal (see CHP #4) your intention. To avoid being used as a launch pad from a rear-end hit like Wiley Coyote, get a flashing rear light, wear a reflective vest, use your mirror, choose wide, slow streets and don’t swerve in and out of lanes. Cyclists need to ride as if they are invisible, not invincible. The question isn’t “Will you crash?” but rather, “When will you crash?” Regardless of the carelessness of cyclists who ride without helmets, mirrors, lights, brains or the implementation of the Affordable Health Care Act, a 20-pound bike will never be competition for a 3,600-pound vehicle. Good luck, Santa Barbara, especially around the Mission. I guess whether you’re swearing at a bicycle or praying not to get hit while you’re riding one, at least there’s a church nearby.

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...continued from p.7

Dear Matt, Thanks. I connected with you when you said you like to write stories. A question I still have is whether it’s hard to think things up? I also learned what you do at your workplace. – Hannah (Editor’s Note: Trust me, Hannah, if you read the paper every week then you know how hard it can be for me to think things up. Last year alone, I wrote stories about extra-terrestrial communication, blowing an interview with Rick Steves and what I think about in the sauna. (Talk about reaching.) As for learning what I do at the workplace, please let me know what you got out of that; I’m still trying to figure it out myself. – MSM) Dear Matt, I really appreciate you sharing and teaching about what you do. I learned that you do a lot of work every week. – Lilyanna (Editor’s Note: You’re darned right, Lilyanna. – MSM) Dear Matt, do you like writing more than being a lawyer? Also, we edit the same way as you, pretty much. – Lucca (Editor’s Note: It’s refreshing, Lucca, to learn that a bunch of third graders could fill my editorial role here at the paper. Terrific. Whether I like writing more than lawyering is a tough question and involves all sorts of adult issues (e.g., paying the bills and ensuring the eternal happiness of my wife and daughters and stuff like that). Let’s discuss when you graduate from high

school. Better yet, let’s discuss when you finish college, get married and have a few kids of your own. I’ll buy the first round. – MSM) Dear Matt, I appreciate your presentation. I connected with you when you said you were a lawyer because I want to be a maritime lawyer. I love boats! I think you should write about the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. – Hudson (Editor’s Note: Let’s talk, Hudson, about the whole liking boats and maritime lawyering thing. Great call on the Sea Shepherd, amazing cause and probably a great story… especially if I could get out on the boat with them for a week or two. I’ll let you know if my agent can line it up. (Kidding, I don’t have an agent; I’m one of the few people in town without one, I think.) Thanks Hudson, enjoyed the letter. – MSM) Dear Matt, I appreciate that you came in. Do you get in a lot of arguments with your teammates at the newspaper? – Justin (Editor’s Note: You have no idea, Justin. – MSM) Dear Matt, I think you’re really funny. I learned that you go to Jeannine’s and read the Sentinel on Thursday mornings before it goes to the printer. I appreciate that you used a lot of your time coming to the classroom. I think your newspaper is AWESOME. I like how you take pictures of Lily and Kate and

put them in the Sentinel. You are really nice and super funny. – Eva (Editor’s Note: Flattery, Eva, gets you everywhere. Well done. Let’s end with that one. Thanks very much to each and every one of you who wrote, I genuinely loved reading your letters and will hang on to them indefinitely. Study hard. – MSM)

Experimenting Is Fun

Matt, I just wanted to thank Zach Rosen for the tip to check out Triple Rock Brewery in Berkeley a few issues back. (Berkeley’s Triple Rock: Pioneers of Craft Beer, Vol. 2, Issue 47.) My husband and I found ourselves in the area over the holidays and stopped in for some amazing beer. I’m normally a wine drinker, but those beers have inspired me to check out all our local breweries here in Santa Barbara so I especially appreciated this last issue which summarized all our area has to offer. (A Big Year for Beer, Vol. 2, Issue 50.) I’ll be making my way down the list this during 2014. Thanks, Zach! Susan Moe Santa Barbara (Zach’s Note: That is wonderful to hear! You could not have chosen a better time to start getting into beer, especially as a wine drinker. Several of the breweries in the area are experimenting with wine barrel-aged brews so keep an eye out for them. (Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to let you know in the column when and where those beers are going to happen.) Have fun exploring! – Zach Rosen) (Editor’s Note: What can I say, Susan? Zach’s the man. – MSM)

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send an annual letter of appreciation to one of the individuals who paid for that subsidy? It would remind all of us that it is not Santa O that funds the givesand-takes, but hard working and more fortunate individuals. Those receiving this gift would express their appreciation to ones who had provided the gift. How appropriate! I think most of those receiving the “gift” and all of those “giving the gift” would feel better by the experience. George Larson Santa Barbara (Editor’s Note: So, George, you mean something like what those third graders sent to me after I talked in their class? – MSM)

Jamie Is Mad

Why in the world would anyone give someone like Jeff Harding a chance to be heard? Blatant lies, blatant propaganda of the highest level of BS! He says that insurance companies will go broke because of “mandates.” Insurance companies are billion dollar industries! Obamacare is on their side because they’ll get more customers and be able to charge their existing customers more, all in the name of profit-gain. He knows this too. He is just playing the “spread lies to everyone to continue to make Obama and democrats seem evil” game (when in fact democrats are free-market supporting capitalists playing the same game; so oops looks like it’s racism now). And Jeff then says that “most countries” are going broke as a result of single-payer programs. What??!! Give me proof of one. WE are broke, far more broke than any other western, first-world country. One cannot just say words that have no meaning. 2+2 does not equal 5. Clearly the Sentinel wants to entertain all types of people in SB, and the uber-rich who have profited off of the free-market system love hearing this stuff. But come on, Jeff is spewing a bunch of crap, meaningless stupid words. Shame on you. Jamie Guerra Santa Barbara (Editor’s Note: Not exactly the most compelling counter argument, Jamie, but I suppose you got your point across. Jeff, this one’s all yours. – MSM) ...continued p.18

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SBART Luncheon: Royals can play with the big boys

spirit and love what he does,” Moore said of the native of Lithuania. The Warriors have won nine of 10 games and open a very competitive GSAC campaign next week against Biola.

Athletes of The Week

Anna Brummett and Elijah Johnson rose to the occasion in games against highly rated opponents during the holidays.

by Barry Punzal

an Marcos boys basketball coach Dave Odell knows in Channel League play his team won’t be facing the kind of height it was up against in the National Prep Classic. The Royals played a Miami Beach team that had a 7’2” center and Lawndale squad that had two 6’10” players. “The key stat is we got dunked on at least thirteen times,” said Odell at Monday’s first Santa Barbara Athletic Round Table press luncheon of 2014. His Royals team won two of four games at the tournament. “I think the tallest guy in our league is only 6’7”, so we should be okay.” Odell said guard Elijah Johnson – the Athlete of the Week – had an outstanding tournament. “He showed up at the National Prep Classic and played great defense in addition to scoring a lot of points.” The San Marcos coach introduced Lukas Ablingis and Tyson Miller as two key players on the squad. “Lukas is the kind of guy you want in your program. He shows up, works hard; there’s no drama with Lukas,” said Odell. On Miller, Odell said the sophomore scored the highest in the team’s point value system (points, rebounds, assists, turnovers). “I wasn’t surprised Tyson had the highest points value system. He’s a real glue guy.” The Royals play at Dos Pueblos on Wednesday and then play their first home game on Friday against Ventura. Dos Pueblos struggled during December, but coach Joe Zamora said his players have been really resilient. He introduced the “upside to our program,” junior Nathan Johnson and sophomore Eli Wopat. Santa Barbara High boys assistant coach Andy Gil said Bolden Brace and Chris Wagonhurst “are our life savers more often than not.” Brace knocked down 18 3-pointers in four games of the Santa Barbara Holiday Classic. The Dons (12-2) play Camarillo in a non-league on Wednesday and host Buena on Friday.

Girls Basketball

Carpinteria coach Dan Mercer likes how his young team is coming along. “Our young team is growing, it’s really exciting,” he said. “It looks like we’re going to be a competitive team in Frontier League.”

The Warriors are 4-5. Mercer introduced Lupe “Loops” Vargas and Rubi “Rudy” Albarron as two important role players on the squad. At Bishop Diego, Ali Everson and Sam Gaash are part of a 10-player rotation coach Jeff Burich utilizes in every game. The Cardinals open Frontier League play Tuesday at Malibu. Santa Barbara coach Andrew Butcher introduced the artistic side of his team in Jocelin Petatan, Bella Illescas and Michaila Miller. The Dons are 14-2, and Butcher credits the team’s defense as the key to the record.

70-61 win over Miami Beach, which included a 7’2” center; had 13, including nine down the stretch, in a 46-41 victory over St. Joseph; and scored 18 in a 74-63 loss to Texas state champion Prestonwood Christian. The honorable mention choices for this week’s awards are: Will Busch (Bishop Diego basketball), Mitch Brewe (UCSB basketball), Cameron Cox (Dos Pueblos wrestling), Eden Martinez (Dos Pueblos wrestling), Amber Melgoza (Santa Barbara girls basketball), Kelsey Sampson (Westmont women’s basketball), Jordyn Lilly (Bishop Diego girls basketball) and Riley Heiduk (San Marcos girls water polo).

Special Olympics Athlete Of The Month

Prep Soccer

San Marcos boys coach Rob Lauderdale said his team is finally healthy as it begins league play. “The injuries hopefully have been cleared up and we should start our season with our full starting squad.” he said. Lauderdale brought Cesar Juanico, who recently was moved into a starting position in the backline, and Kelvin Uribe, a sophomore transfer from Mater Dei. “If you don’t know him, I guarantee you will,” the coach said. “He’s the future of San Marcos soccer.” Olivia Jones and Kaitlyn Saperstein, two key offensive players for the San Marcos girls soccer team, were brought to the luncheon by Aaron Solis. The Royals open league play at home Tuesday against Buena. Santa Barbara girls coach Jeff Johnson introduced goalkeeper Katherine Hawkes. “She’s a sophomore who’s stepped up and taken on responsibility,” he said. Carpinteria coach Lucy Carleton brought starting defender Megan Garcia and Merissa Souza, who suffered a torn ACL and will undergo surgery on Tuesday.

College Basketball

UCSB men’s assistant David Campbell said the inside-outside game with Alan Williams in the paint and Kyle Bosworth, Taran Brown and Michael Bryson on the perimeter make it difficult for opponents to defend the Gauchos. UCSB opens Big West play Saturday at home against Cal Poly. Westmont men’s coach John Moore said the feisty play of Mantas Drungys reminds him of the way he played the game at Westmont. “I love his competitive

San Marcos’ Elijah Johnson

LaMarcus “Big Time” Briggs, the Santa Barbara Athlete Round Table Special Olympics Athlete of the Month

Santa Barbara High girls water polo player Anna Brummett

Brummett, a key player for the Santa Barbara High girls water polo team, and Johnson, a standout for the San Marcos boys basketball team, have been named the Santa Barbara Athletic Round Table Athletes of the Week for their performances during the last two weeks Brummett scored 15 goals in five matches for the Dons, who went 4-1, which includes wins over CIF Division 2 top-ranked Santa Margarita and No. 2 Mater Dei. Her scoring helped the team finish fifth at the Newport Harbor Holiday Cup. Johnson was relentless at both ends of the floor for San Marcos at the National Prep Classic basketball tournament in Santa Maria. He scored 29 points in a

LaMarcus Briggs, a standout softball and basketball player, was named the Santa Barbara Athlete Round Table Special Olympics Athlete of the Month. Briggs, whose nickname is “Big Time Briggs,” plays shortstop for the softball team. “He’s our star player,” said Special Olympics coach and Round Table board member Aaron Brown. In a recent tournament, Briggs asked Brown if he could pitch a game. “He pitched and we won the game,” said Brown. “Marcus is one of our better athletes in Special Olympics overall.” Briggs has been a Special Olympics athlete for 10 years.

Scholar-Athlete of The Year

As an offensive lineman on the Bishop Diego football team, Mitchell Oleson blew open holes for running backs. Off the field, Oleson worked on the development of a laser that could blow apart an asteroid headed toward Earth. The Santa Barbara Athletic Round Table recognized Oleson for his brainpower and athleticism by naming him the ScholarAthlete of the Year award winner from Bishop Diego.

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Award sponsor Marc Gamberdella, left, with Bishop Diego’s Mitchell Oleson, center, and Athletic Director Dan Peeters.

Oleson, who also is a four-year varsity baseball player, holds a 4.39 GPA while taking courses in Advanced Placement U.S. Government, English Literature and Computer Science. Also included in his class load are Multimedia Tools, Web Design and Theology and Ethics. This past summer he was part of a research mentorship program at UCSB and worked in a physics lab where they developed a laser system that could

vaporize incoming asteroids. “Being Han Solo apparently is a major thing to be worked in,” Marc Gamberdella, Round Table board member and sponsor of the award, said of the Eagle Scout. Oleson completed two courses in vector calculus at UCSB and received A grades in both. He plans to major in computer science in college. His school choices include a University of California school, Cal Poly, Stanford and MIT.

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...continued from p.14

(Jeff Harding’s Note: Jamie, thank you for your response to my article in which I decried the imposition of price and wage controls on our medical system. (Talking Head 2013, Vol. 2, Issue 50.) My goal in writing is to make you think. So when I piss you off, I hope that’s not an emotional response but one that piques your curiosity about things like Obamacare. You cannot but note that my dissenting view of Obamacare is quite in the tiny minority and perhaps you have not run into such views before. We can thank the Sentinel for providing a forum for my views that run counter to the vast majority of media.

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So let me respond to the specifics of your letter and see if we can reach some kind of understanding of our respective views. First of all, President Obama is not on the side of insurance companies when he forces them to provide mandated coverage to all comers. As you are aware, that is not how insurance companies work. If it were a free market they would rate us insureds on the basis of statistical risks, which is why young people pay less for health insurance and old people more. Ignoring the free market, the government forces young people to buy insurance for which they have no great need (as evidenced by the sign-up data and historic underwriting experience). Now to you this is somehow a “free market” situation in which “Democrats” are supporting “capitalists.” I can assure you that is not the accepted definition of “free markets” or “capitalism.” The technical word for this – where the government partners up with big business – is “fascism” (again, not my word, but that’s what it is). I don’t like fascism, socialism or any system in which government forces us to do something. As you know force is backed up by the point of a gun. I prefer the “free market” which by definition is a ground-

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up, emergent system based on voluntary cooperation, not force. Secondly, if young people don’t sign up, insurance companies will go broke. They have said this, the government has said this, so there is no great dispute here. These “billion dollar” companies do need profit to survive and, based on the coverage mandates, they can’t provide the benefits to those who will heavily use medical care (mostly old people) if the young people, who need less medical care, don’t pay higher premiums to support the old people. Not a lie, just a fact, one that really has the Obama Administration worried right now. And, by the way, billion dollar companies go broke all the time. Thirdly, most government-run national health care systems are going broke. That is, they don’t support themselves based on budgeted payments into the system and must be supported by general tax revenues. Furthermore, they keep busting budgets because demand for “free” services always exceeds supply. Because of this fact and the fact that these countries provide many other welfare benefits that also exceed revenues, they are finding that these systems don’t work very well, causing their governments to raise taxes, borrow the money or cut back on benefits, or go broke. Some are doing all three (France), some are cutting back and moving to more market-based reforms (Sweden, UK, Canada, Australia, Germany). Some go broke. (Greece, Italy, Portugal, Ireland, and Spain are good examples.) They have top-heavy benefit systems, including national healthcare, that cannot be supported by taxes, and we all know that you cannot support a welfare system for long based on borrowing, so thus come “reforms” such as cutting back on services and/or raising taxes. (France, for example, just imposed a tax of 75% on those who make €1 million or more.) I do agree with your statement that we are also going broke because of government spending and debt. I mean, with debt at $17 trillion and GDP about the same, it’s not headed to a good place and Obamacare will make it worse. Fourthly, you, my friend, have also profited from the free market system. We all have. It has been the greatest generator of wealth in history for the most people and I can prove that quite easily if you wish to hear it. Thanks for listening. – Jeff Harding)

Mac McGill Is Homeless (No, Seriously)

Matt, I read your last column but I’m more of a jacuzzi than a sauna man myself. (In the Hot Seat, Vol. 2, Issue 50.) Regardless, by hook or by crook I’ve managed to keep a gym membership going, which is part, though not all, of why

I am so devastatingly attractive. I’m pretty sure I’m the best looking homeless person in Santa Barbara, though admittedly my sample size has been small. If you see your friend from the sauna again please tell him for me, “YES!!! I AM A REAL HOMELESS PERSON!!!” I am not sure what it is about me but there is a certain distressing frequency to the number of times I have been accused of only pretending to be homeless, as though such a thing would naturally accrue extensive benefits to the person that did so. For a minute there I was swept into one of America’s more Bush League contrived national scandals when I befriended Linda Tirado, and accusations that I was pretending to be homeless came from multiple sources at once. Be it my stunning good looks or SAT worthy vocabulary it is apparently easier to believe in ghosts and UFOs than that I am actually homeless. Not only am I actually homeless, but I am incredibly easy to find. Usually I can be seen quite easily as my winter garb is a red jacket over a red shirt sporting a red beanie and red gloves, sometimes to include a black hoodie under the red jacket. (A Polo, actually, a gift from Freedom Warming Centers.) At some point I figured out that people were nicer to me if I wore brighter colors so I stuck with that. As even a slow day involves walking several miles, I try to walk as little as possible. If you are somewhere within the vicinity of Santa Barbara’s beautiful and historic Central Public Library, just look for the fella in the red, probably near the information desk and it’s a good chance it’s me. I spend most of my time there, reading Karl Marx and smiling at rich women who don’t want anything to do with me... so far. I’m actually a pretty approachable guy, and probably won’t even hit you up for spare change if you try to talk to me. Well, Happy New Year I guess. Truth is, Ginger John has been giving me an earful that I went two whole weeks without getting a letter printed, and he’s probably even more upset that now there will have been a third and a fourth, so I just thought I would give it a whirl. He looks forward to expanding his vocabulary I guess, and has chosen “eviscerate” as his favorite word from my compositions. Ginger John, with whom I used to share the vicinity of a sleeping spot, can and will readily attest to my homelessness. Be well. (PS: You still me owe me that beer.) ...continued p.20

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...continued from p.18

Mac McGill, For Real Santa Barbara (Editor’s Note: Don’t worry, Mac, I believe you’re homeless. – MSM)

Jose the World Traveler

Hey Matt, I do hope you and your family (and everybody at the Sentinel) had a wonderful Christmas and a good start to the New Year. The last time I ran into you I told you that I was going to work on getting my passport so I could get away for awhile. Well, I finally got it and, by the time you read this letter, I will be down in Tecate, Baja California, Mexico. Spending time with my kin. I haven’t seen them in twelve years.

The question is: How many homeless people that you know have passports and can travel outside of the good old USA? Well, I myself have met about four or five. Even If I am homeless, I have the good fortune that I can travel outside the country, and that is a good feeling for me. So, for this late winter (it hasn’t really been much of a winter here in SB), at least I won’t be sleeping outside. And no winter shelter, and no Freedom Warming Centers for me. I will be down in Baja with my kinfolk. Now that I have a laptop (a Christmas present to myself ), I will be reading the Sentinel every week down in Baja sipping on a cup of Mexican Java and munching on pan dulce. I’ll also throw back a few

Tecate brews for you. Ok, do take care. Have mucho fun and hopefully I will see you when I get back. That will be sometime in April or May. I will also send you some emails just to let you know what is going on down there. Adios for now. Jose Arturo Ortiz de Martinez-Gallegos Santa Barbara (Editor’s Note: Two things, Jose. First, this is possibly the coolest letter I’ve ever received. So happy for you, man, last time we spoke you weren’t sure if it would happen and I was, admittedly, skeptical. Right on. Second, Publisher Tim, we’re in the wrong business dude. Straight up. Have a blast down south, Jose, please do drop

me the occasional line. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do down there. Peace. – MSM)

Schatzle and Harding Sitting In A Tree…

Just a note to thank you for your great paper, I especially like Jeff Harding (insightful, clear and humorous) and Jenny Schatzle (inspiring). Don Logan Santa Barbara (Editor’s Note: Thanks Don, I like Jenny and Jeff too. In fact, here’s what I like best: One of them makes people’s asses hard and the other is a hard ass. I’ll leave it to you to decided who is who (which is which?). – MSM)

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elcome to 2014, Santa Barbara, we are finally surfing! In town, we’re seeing waves in the shoulder-high range with great surface conditions. (Not to mention weather conditions, as much of the rest of the county is freezing.) This swell should hold up through Saturday. Our next chance for waves will most likely be Tuesday, but things are looking a bit north for us (just over 300 degrees), which means we’re probably back to driving. And keep those longboards in tiptop shape, we might need ‘em soon. -Surf Country Doug

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• WHERE OLD WORLD MEETS NEW • by Rachelle Oldmixon

Where There’s A Will…

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014: We’re about two weeks into the new year, and the number one topic of conversation has been, not surprisingly, resolutions. This time of year is all about improving ourselves. Some want to lose weight. Some want to quit smoking. Some want to curb their smart phone use. Others want to quit cookies (I’m eating my first of the day as I write). Yet, by mid-February, we are back to skipping gym days, eating Valentine’s Day chocolates, and checking our phones every ten minutes. Why? Year after year, we resolve to be better. And year after year many of us fall short of our own expectations. (For those of us who succeed, congratulations and please tell us your tips for success!) As it turns out, willpower – that invisible force that helps us accomplish our goals – is a very complex beast. A very complex beast indeed.

A Very Good Place to Start

When I first started poking around and investigating the literature on willpower, I thought I should start at the beginning. So I did, and found that research on willpower began many decades ago. One of the first studies to become well known was the Marshmallow Experiment in the 1960s. Dr. Walter Mischel offered fouryear-old children an option. They could have one marshmallow now, or wait 15 minutes and have two marshmallows. After the children made their decision, he classified the children into two categories: Those who were able to delay the reward for a greater payoff and those who were not. The children then remained in the study into adulthood and Dr. Mischel continued to track their progress in life. Those who were able to delay the reward for more marshmallows in the initial part of the study tended to have better health, greater academic success and lower rates of divorce as adults. Wait. What? Essentially, people with naturally greater levels of willpower as children carried that trait into adulthood, where it helped in many areas of life. Dr. Mischel’s findings would argue that, unless you’re born with high levels of willpower, you have little chance of sticking to your resolutions! Uh-oh.

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I didn’t particularly like that conclusion. So, as I ate my third cookie of the day, I resolved to find a more desirable interpretation of willpower. What I found was encouraging.

A self-professed science nerd, Rachelle has her B.A. in neuroscience from Skidmore College in upstate New York, and is working towards her Master’s in psychology at UCSB. In her free time, she blogs at www.synapticspeculations.com. She never could quite understand why she had to choose just one area of science; they are all fascinating. Especially when paired with some classic rock.

There is a plethora of research out in the field of psychology that tells us willpower may not be an innate skill, but is more akin to a muscle. It can get fatigued. Overuse your willpower in the morning to resist blurting our snide remarks at the (seemingly pointless) budget meeting at work and you may not have enough “strength of will” to resist dessert in the evening. So be careful. Use your willpower wisely. The good news is that, according to this research, willpower can also be exercised and made stronger over time. When viewed through that lens, there is hope that those born with “weaker” innate levels of willpower can still stick to their resolutions. They just can’t jump in with both feet. The waters must be tested slowly. And those of us who need to exercise our willpower (I think I’ve had five cookies now) would be better off approaching their resolutions slowly, making little changes day by day. That way, we exercise our willpower, letting it get strong, without ever completely depleting it. Yet another set of studies on willpower argues that it’s only a finite resource if you believe it is. That is, if you believe you only have so much willpower, you will deplete your stores faster than someone who believes willpower is infinite. But how can you believe willpower is infinite if science is telling you it is not? Perhaps you need to will yourself to believe that willpower is infinite... And now I’m in a Catch-22. Right smack dab in the middle of the old chicken-and-egg conundrum. Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn person. (Even a very stubborn person.) Maybe that’s all willpower is: being stubborn with yourself. Taking all that stubborn energy that you use to defy the people around you and use it instead to defy yourself. With that in mind, I’m off to hide all the cookies (minus the seven nine I just ate) and re-up my gym membership. Good luck to all of you with your resolutions. May we all find the willpower to be stubborn enough to stick to our goals in 2014.

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GIRL

Hawthorn carries jewelry from local designers.

by Kateri Wozny Kateri is an award-winning journalist with a

background in print, online, radio and TV news. A native of Minneapolis, MN, she has written for the Chicago Sun-Times Media Group, Pepperdine University and Acorn Newspapers. She works full time as a public relations manager locally and loves exploring the Santa Barbara fashion scene. Follow her on Twitter @kitkatwozny.

Hawthorn Boutique Brings SB Style to Padaro Beach

know Christmas is long over, but to kick off my New Year, I headed right down Santa Claus Lane with my wallet pulling the reins to Hawthorn Boutique on Padaro Beach. “I’ve always had a fondness for Santa Claus Lane,” said owner Karen Bauer as she greeted me. “I saw the changes that were happening and wanted to be involved. I like the feeling here.” Hawthorn has a bit of a western yet relaxed seaside vibe to it. I was blown away not by the cool, crisp ocean air coming in from the back, but at how touchable and soft the fabrics are. “I am big on luxurious fabrics,” Bauer said. “If you go around and touch them, they feel great, and my passion and expression has a lot to do with fabric. I learned that from working at Wendy Foster boutiques.”

There’s that pair of flip-flops I fell in love with.

Thanks for showing me around, Karen!

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Bauer first got her start in the retail industry working as a bookkeeper for Wendy Foster and ultimately ended up managing Foster’s Upper Village boutique. “I got an intense education from all of the lovely ladies [at Wendy Foster],” she said. “I had a great experience, it helped me inspire my own personal style, which is Bohemian elegance with a sexy edge.” Bauer also learned how casual, comfortable elegance connects to the Santa Barbara fashion sense. “Santa Barbara style is timeless, up-todate and comfortable to wear,” she said. “I love how there are so many neutrals and it’s easy to put some accessories to jazz it up.”

Installing Roots Soon afterwards, Bauer and her business partners started Lola Boutique in Carpinteria. She worked there from 2009 to 2012 and later decided to venture out on her own. Thus, Hawthorn was set in the ground in June 2012, with the name having a Celtic origin and showing the earthy, indigenous side to Bauer’s fashion sense.

“I have always had a creative expression since I was a little girl and fashion helps me be creative,” she said. “Hawthorn represents fertility, prosperity, renewal and death as a new beginning.” I immediately felt deeply rooted at Hawthorn (or was that my wallet?). Items such as candles, underwear and t-shirts start in the mid $30s and go all the way up to $800 with dresses by Nightcap, Cynthia Vincent ready-to-wear clothing and accessories and designer handbags by Simone Camille. Other designers to be found are Current/Elliot, Level 99, Krisa, Goddis, Velvet, Dita sunglasses and James Jeans. I found myself attracted to a unique pair of Uzurii flip-flops from the Netherlands. Bauer also sells one-of-a-kind local jewelry from designers such as The Hand of Oz, Torchlight, Marisa Haskell and Lisa Duncan Carrillo. On the walls, there is classic and inspiring Native American art by SBCC anthropology professor Mark Sanders for sale. “My customer is someone who wants

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I loved the vibe inside Hawthorn.

to be comfortably dressed for their body type. I’m honest about what looks good on them and I really focus on people. It’s a big part of what is important to me: that people are happy with what they buy,” Bauer said. Bauer says a great sweater and a pair of white colored jeans is a must in a woman’s closet. Hey, I even have them! “They are so cute even for winter. Don’t be afraid of white jeans,” she said.

Mindful Causes Bauer is also very active in her community. She donates proceeds to support education and other causes. “I always love anything that has to do

with charity,” she said. It was quite a relaxing journey over to the beach side of the 101. I felt cool and confident as I walked out with my purchases.

Hawthorn Boutique is located at 3817 Santa Claus Lane in Carpinteria. Hours are Monday through Saturday from 10:30am to 5pm and Sunday from 11am to 4pm. For more information, call 6846474. Like them on their Facebook page, Hawthorn at Padaro Beach, and download the Hawthorn Boutique smartphone app for information on upcoming trunk shows, customer appreciation events, sales and more.

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PUMP IT

N.A.S.M, Kickboxing and SPIN Certified, Jenny Schatzle is known for changing bodies and changing lives. Her approach to fitness is about not only “getting fit” physically but also how, through exercise, nutrition and a positive motivational environment, you can change your lifestyle for the better. Jenny’s program and the results she consistently achieves have made her one of the most sought-after experts in Santa Barbara.

(Toxic) Anchors Away!

t’s a New Year, people, time to clean out that old closet. The “closet,” in my world, doesn’t hold that dress or shirt you’re hanging on to, hoping it will come back in style someday. Instead, my “closet” contains the negative behavior and feelings and routines and relationships that many of us hang on to, the ones that slow us down and get in the way of what we want and who we truly want to be. I call them Toxic Anchors. You know what I’m talking about: Saying yes to things we don’t really want to do in our lives, repeating behavior we want to change, continuing on in a relationship that will never change, etc. Whatever it is in your life, it’s time to LET IT GO. So start this year off by taking a look in your closet, identifying your Toxic Anchors and then getting rid of them, one by one. It’s easy to do, just COMMIT and FOLLOW THROUGH. Want some help with your anchors? Send me a note at jenny@jennyschatzle.com. NUTRITION: Lots of people reach for sugar as a way to deal with their Toxic Anchors. But here’s the real deal: You crave what you eat, so the more sugar you consume the more you’re going to want it. Sugar provides tons of empty calories, not nourishment. (Surprise.) If you seriously crave sugar, you’re addicted and should consider a sugar detox wherein you totally eliminate sugar for two weeks. (Yeah, that’s right, I said it.) WORKOUT: WARM-UP: Jumping Jacks – 30 seconds Squats – 30 seconds Plank – 30 seconds

(Repeat three times) (Alternatively, run a mile outside to warm up. It’s good for you.)

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WORKOUT: Do each movement below for one minute. Keep track of the total number of reps you are able to complete in that minute, then write it down. Total the whole thing up at the end and save your results, we are coming back to this one for sure. Jump Lunges (modify with back lunges) Mountain Climbers Bicep Curls (use a band, weights or milk cartons) Squats Pop-Ups Crunches

Push-ups Side Lunges Dips Jumping Jacks Plank (count number of seconds)

Total Score: _____

(Hey you advanced folks out there, you should do two or three rounds, with separate totals for each and an aggregate of all two. Or three.)

SCHENTINEL SCHPONSCHORSCHIP If you’ve been reading then you know that the Sentinel recently sponsored Bestside Bonnie Keinath and San Roque Jay Caplan through the Jenny Schatzle Program ending back in December 2013. By all accounts – trust us, we asked – their participation was exemplary and they worked really hard. They also got results. “I loved the program,” Jay told us. “It was easy to stay motivated. In fact, I’ve been getting up even before my alarm at 5:20am. I was pretty good with the meal plan and did the week of detox as well. That was not easy, especially towards the end of the week, but I made it.” Indeed he did. Jay also lost 12 pounds, 3% body fat and five inches off his waist. Over five weeks. During the holidays. Bonnie’s experience was similar. “Jenny’s great. She’s tough but understanding, and won’t let you down. The meal plan was great, I could do most of it on a regular basis except for green juice. (Not my thing.) The workouts were tough, really tough, but between Jenny, Shem, Beth and Chito, I was able to make it (sometimes with effective exercise modifications). Without all the support from the staff and many in the class and all of my friends and family, I know I wouldn’t have succeeded as I did!” That success translated into 20 fewer pounds, 4% less body fat and 15 inches off Bonnie’s waist. Over five weeks. During the holidays. That’s a big deal. Congratulations, Bonnie and Jay, we’re genuinely thrilled for both of you. And we hear that you’ve both signed up with Jenny again for the New Year. See you in class!

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT THERE IS RISK OF INJURY ASSOCIATED WITH ANY AND ALL PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, WHETHER STRENUOUS OR NOT. IF YOU HAVE ANY RELATED CONCERNS AT ALL, THEN PLEASE MAKE SURE TO SPEAK WITH YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE ENGAGING IN THE EXERCISE PROGRAM ABOVE. AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT PARTICULAR MOVEMENTS, THEN PLEASE CALL OR WRITE JENNY SCHATZLE DIRECTLY SO SHE CAN ANSWER THEM. REGARDLESS, HOWEVER, AS A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING, BY PARTICIPATING IN THE FOREGOING EXERCISE PROGRAM, YOU ASSUME ALL OF THE RISK OF DOING SO AND VOLUNTARILY RELEASE, TO THE FULLEST EXTENT ALLOWED BY LAW, ANY AND ALL CLAIMS AGAINST JENNY SCHATZLE BOOTCAMP AND/OR THE SANTA BARBARA SENTINEL.

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by Jeff Harding

Jeff Harding publishes The Daily Capitalist, a blog on economics and finance. He is the president of Montecito Analytics, LLC, and is a real estate investor who lives in Montecito.

2013

Learn to Invest in Real Estate

students all the tools required to start a career in real estate investment. I taught this course in 2011, but there was no funding for 2012 or 2013. Now they are flush again and I have been hired back; I'm looking forward to teaching again. I have fun and my students tell me that they have a lot of fun too. Why me? I have 30-plus years of experience in all aspects of real estate investment: builder, developer, investor, manager, financier, and lawyer, so there is not much I haven’t done. As a result, I have a lot of practical experience that is not in the books. And that is what I teach my students. For you realtors out there, you should get credit for continuing education requirements (it qualified in the past). So if you’re interested, join me at the country’s No. 1 community college. You need to do it soon! Go to http:// sbcc.edu/apply/apply_to_college.php or call 965-0581 ext. 7222 or 7304450.

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The Weekly Capitalist

ours truly is once again being unleashed on the unsuspecting as a professor at SBCC. I will be teaching Real Estate Investment (FIN 204 – 61449) for the spring semester. The course starts on January 29, 2014 and will be held Wednesday evenings from 6 to 9:05pm. SBCC is on the semester system and the class ends on May 21 (final exam). It is a 3-unit college credit course and is held on the beautiful West Campus (new campus) in the Ridley-Tree Business/ Communications Center where there is plenty of parking in the evening. Why should you take it? Real estate has for centuries been one of the main paths to wealth and financial independence. Business is one path. Banking and finance is another. And then there is real estate. Unlike the Warren Buffets and Bill Gates of the world, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to do well with real estate. (Hey, just look at me or The Donald!) What I mean is that it is something everyone can do. The course will give

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by Christina Enoch

Blue Tavern: Buen Provecho!

eruvian is the next big thing in the foodie world and I have been waiting for it. The wait, my friends, is over. Blue Tavern opened back in November 2013, taking the place of Anchor Woodfire Kitchen down on lower State after it abruptly closed a couple months earlier. It’s the brainchild of Chef Ricardo Zarate – a native Peruvian who also happened to win Food & Wine Best New Chef back in 2011 and has been a semifinalist, twice, for a prestigious James Beard Best Chef Award – and Stephane Bombet. This isn’t the pair’s first rodeo; in fact, it’s their fourth. (Mo-chica, Picca and Paiche in L.A. are all highly regarded spots.) Another of the food-geniuses behind Blue Tavern is Executive Chef Alex Carrasco. Being half-Peruvian himself, he takes inspiration from his heritage and infuses it with California cuisine. “We aren’t here to compete with other

The place looks sharp, and magical cocktails come out of the beautiful bar (shown here).

Executive Chef Alex Carrasco hard at work in the kitchen at Blue Tavern. (Hey Chef Alex, are you mixing up some of that Huacatay Pesto? Please say yes.)

restaurants,” Chef Carrasco told me as we sat in the casual-yet-sophisticated dining room with General Manager Eric Terry.

I couldn’t write about everything I ate. These green bean with bonito flakes were another delight…

After years of working full time for an ad agency, Christina found her passion in cooking and food. Now armed with her newfound title, “Culinary School Graduate Food Blogger,” she writes and shares her passion for food, cooking, restaurants, photography and food styling in her popular blog, black dog :: food blog. Christina’s a proud mommy of not one but two shelter dogs and lives here in Santa Barbara with her husband. She’s also an avid Polynesian dancer, beach lover, traveler, swimmer, snowboarder and most of all, a lover of anything edible and yummy. Check out her ramblings here and at www.blackdogfoodblog.com.

… and so was this wood fired pizza with prosciutto, goat cheese, burrata and Huacatay Pesto. Wow.

“We are here for our food and people. We want to give our customers different experiences that please them. Each menu item is here for a reason. Much thought and much passion are behind every dish.” As we talked, the animated group sitting next to us were literally devouring their food, mopping up sauces and practically licking their fingers clean. “We don’t have much food left over here,” Eric smiled, confident. “People eat every bite on their plates.” I believed him.

A New Twist On SB’s Finest The food. It’s tapas-style, Peruvianinspired cuisine utilizing local Santa Barbara seafood and produce. (That’s code for hyper-fresh ingredients done really well that you order lots of and

This little Peruvian carpaccio dish (aka “tiradito”) was also a real standout. Yellow tail with aji amarillo soy and sweet potato really shows the influence of Japanese immigrants on Peruvian cuisine. Fun presentation too.

share with your table. And that’s good.) Don’t worry, Blue Tavern’s friendly and knowledgeable staff will help you “design” your meal. Beets & Heirloom Tomato Salad with burrata and macha lettuce is something we’re all familiar with. But, hmm, there’s something exotic in there that I can’t identify. Ah yes, it’s Huacatay Pesto, a Peruvian herb mix of mint and basil – fresh yet strong and an absolutely fantastic flavor combination. Oh, and there’s another surprise: A hint of crunchiness from… beet sugar. It’s an art. And it’s delicious. Sea Bass Ceviche is served with crispy

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My lunch dates: Executive Chef Alex Carrasco (left) and General Manager Eric Terry. Not bad, huh?

calamari, Rocoto Leche de Tigre, and celery leaf. At first, I really thought I was consuming magical milk from a tiger. (I wasn’t.) Leche de tigre, or tiger’s milk, is a Peruvian term for the citrus-based marinade that “cooks” the seafood in a ceviche. This leftover fish runoff, with some hot peppers added for a kick, is believed to be both a hangover cure as well as an aphrodisiac. I should have a jar at all times. Pan-fried Sea Branzino comes with roasted vegetable and Huacatay Jalapeno sauce. (Remember Huacatay? Add some heat and enjoy.) Food bliss. Don’t overlook the bar. Designed by well-known Mixologist Deysi Alvarez, Blue Tavern’s cocktails are as decadent as its food. I don’t usually like sweet cocktails – I’m a dry gin girl, myself – but my favorite was the truly well-done Pisco Sour (Peruvian brandy, lime and lemon juice, evaporated simple syrup, organic egg white, angostura bitters and cinnamon tincture.) Hang on, I’m going to order another before I finish this column off. Here comes dessert. Today it’s Pear

Cuba March 22 to April 4, 2014

Legal travel with Spanish School Siglo 21 and Global Exchange of San Francisco A group with a maximum of 20 people

Crostada and Chocolate Molten Cake with passion fruit and homemade ice cream. I ate every last bite, just before I finished that second Pisco Sour. I know I haven’t said much about ambiance yet, but the place is terrific. As I sat and enjoyed my meal (and conversation with Alex and Eric!), I watched as tourists just back from the beach, guests from Hotel Indigo (next door), locals, foreign language speakers, single diners with magazines and white wines and ladies who dressed up for the evening had a blast and devoured their meals. For me, Blue Tavern felt original and memorable; I think it’ll be around for a long time. Welcome to Santa Barbara, Chef Zarate and Stephane, we’re glad to have you. I can’t wait to see what’s next in 2014. Buen Provecho!

Blue Tavern is located at 119 State Street, in Hotel Indigo. Check it out at www.bluetavernsb.com, or call (805) 845-0989 for your reservation. You’ll need one.

The Winehound is

MOVING to La Cumbre Plaza! 3849 State Street

(next to See’s Candies) • More Wines! Easy Parking! • More •Wines! • Easy Parking! Opening in October! • Grand • Stay tuned for news & specials... Subscribe to our emails at www.thewinehound.com

The Winehound

– Cheers, Bob Wesley & the Winehound Crew

For more details:

SPANISHSCHOOLSBCA.COM Or (805) 252-9512 for text or phone See Cuba as it is right now, before it changes. Plenty of activities, music, etc

3849 State St. Santa Barbara • (805) 845-5247

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of a Saint STATE STREET SCRIBE Anatomy T

by Jeff Wing

Jeff is a journalist, raconteur, autodidact, and polysyllable enthusiast. A long time resident of SB, he takes great delight in chronicling the lesser known facets of this gaudy jewel by the sea.

...continued from COVER

he parochial details of the saints’ lives and martyrdoms lend themselves to sometimes odd vocational patronages. Saint Barbara’s anger-management-needing father was struck down by lightning, so explosions as a phenomenon are attached to Barbara, making her the patron saint of armorers, gunsmiths, miners and anyone else whose work with explosives leads to frequent on-the-job prayer. The unreliability of early cannons, which just as often blew up their hosts as the enemy, gave rise to Saint Barbara’s being invoked as a divine protector of artillery persons, and an ancient military order exists into which artillery persons may still be inducted. The Order of Saint Barbara is a military honor society for both the U.S. Army and the U.S. Marine Corps Artillery, including field artillery and Air Defense Artillery. This is considered a very high honor. The area on a warship where ammunition is stored is known to sailors as The St. Barbara, and the blast-proof enclosure that prevents wayward ammo from vaporizing hapless sailors as it’s being loaded into heavy shipboard guns is called the barbette.

Cat power: St. Barbara may be the patron, but house pet Punkin rules the roost.

the next day. When the storm blew over, Mr. Vizcaino found himself embarrassed to have been seen bellowing at the rain; regardless, his port in the storm now had a name: Santa Barbara. In late 1996 our hometown saint arrived in the flesh, at least a sanctified piece of her forefinger did, the consecrated digit flying coach from Saint Barbara’s principal reliquary in Kiev. On landing, the digit was literally handed across the U.S. by a network of Eastern Orthodox priests under orders to guard it with their lives. Which is all to say, there is a centuries-old body part of the venerated Saint Barbara in the area. The St. Barbara Orthodox Monastery

is nestled covertly in the woods between Santa Paula and Ojai. The aforementioned relic of St. Barbara is in residence there, as are relics of many other saints, both ancient and modern, including a relic of St. Anne, mother of Mary, and a morsel of wood that is purported to have come from the True Cross; the very instrument of Christ’s death. Great power is believed to infuse these sanctified bits of human tissue and cloth and wood. The power objects are overseen by a quartet of monastic Orthodox women of such wit and warmth that they do Saint Barbara and their other venerated roommates proud. I went seeking.

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Getting buff: Mother Paraskeva puts a finish on a handmade casket, one of several fundraising items produced by the monastery. (photo credit: Judith van Vliet)

Perhaps appropriately, finding the monastery is a challenge. With MapQuest-defying suddenness, a leaf-strewn lane appears alongside a winding country road, dips into a briefly shaded arboreal enclosure, then crosses a little bridge and opens onto a sun-dappled clearing. An imposing gabled house of dark woods and large windows dominates the parcel. The large door opens with a Boris Karloff creak and a woman dressed entirely in black appears, her cowl clinging to her head like a skullcap, her somber dark habit cascading in heavy pleats to the floor. Her face breaks into a sweet smile. “Hi! Mother Victoria said you were coming!” She beckons me inside a largish living

room of vaulted ceilings, full-length windows and happy ambient daylight. She is Mother Nina – good humored and radiant with energy. This monastery is not a medieval timeworn edifice but a four-bedroom house populated by a family (all Sisters), and still in the throes of its own transfiguration. This spacious sitting room has been long since converted into a chapel, at the near end of which is an iconostasis – a decorous wall hung with painted portraits of saints. I try not to stare. Is Saint Barbara in this room? To the left of this homey place of worship is a dining area, kitchen and a mortal in a baseball cap genuflecting before the sink. ...continued p.32

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...continued from p.9 Telling old beer stories around the campfire is fun. Sort of like a buzzed boy scout – beer scout? – troop.

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rod jutting out from the flames. At first glance, it seemed like a tool for stirring the logs, but a closer look revealed that the glowing cylinder on the end would make a lousy shepherd for the flames. Next to the iron rod sat a pale, murky pitcher of liquid. It was time for a Flip. Ale Flips are another tradition of 12 Beers and if you have never had one I encourage you to put down this paper (gasp!) and start a fire right now. (You could even use this paper to start it… after you’ve read it and called all the advertisers, of course.) The Ale Flip is an English concoction and a close relative to eggnog, dating back to the 17th century. As with all cocktails, there is a rich history and an evolution of different ingredients. The original Flips consisted of beer, rum and sugar. Over time eggs and spices (nutmeg and ginger are common) were added. The ingredients are mixed together and a red hot iron rod is thrust into the vessel, which creates a pleasing, sizzling sound and produces a warm, frothy mixture. The frothing of the liquid was once referred to as “flipping,” which gives the drink its name. The Santa Barbeerians like to use bourbon instead of rum (imagine that),

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which gives the creamy, sweet brew a nice brown sugar and vanilla note. I sat sipping on my Flip and grazing the piles of food (and pig) still dotted around the party. Alas, my night was coming to a close, but I hear that some guests stayed for several more hours, drinking beer, talking about beer and just feeling the holiday cheer. As I exited the party, I found myself already looking forward to next year’s event, wondering what will be in store for the 20th year of this local beer tradition. Another round of terrific local brews, delicious pork and great friends and conversation sounds just fine to me.

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...continued from p.30 It’s the omnipresent handyman Doug, who is noisily running a rooter down the kitchen drain line. Mother Nina looks at me apologetically. “Plumbing problems,” she says. “Mother Victoria asked me to show you around the grounds. Let me see if she wants to step out and say hi.” Mother Nina goes to a closed door and ritually murmurs a petition to God’s forgiveness, then hollers like a stevedore. “Mother Victoria, your guest is here to see you!” Presently Mother Victoria emerges, a stately woman rustling in her black vestments. She looks a lot like the actress Peggy Wood, the gently admonishing Mother Abbess who, in The Sound of Music, exhorts Julie Andrews to “Climb Ev’ry Mountain.” Abbess Victoria extends her hand and her smile shines like a nightlight. Mother Nina hosts a walk through the monastery grounds. Given the spiritual gravity of the objects the Sisters oversee, one might expect a gold-domed cathedral surrounded by concentric gardens of laurel. What you get instead is a cozy sense of slightly ragged day camp. Whatever manifold gifts the Maker has showered down upon the sisters here, groundskeeping is not among them. The effect is welcoming. “Right at the moment, we have several families that frequent us,” Mother Nina says. “They stay down the road at the KOA campground. We do have a ten-man tent, though.” The monastery is at pains not to overstate the luxuriousness of a night’s stay. As the website puts it, “If you are comfortable camping, you will have no problem with the accommodations.” But what is a monastery, anyway? What does it mean to be monastic? How does a monastery… begin? Mother Nina answers the first part of the question. “I want to pray, and I want to draw closer to God. When you enter a

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monastery, it allows you to focus. And if I focus on myself, I focus on other people, too. As St. Seraphim said, ‘Find peace, and a thousand will find it around you.’” As for how this sanctuary got started, Mother Victoria explains, “The monastery was begun by decree.” We’re sitting at a table in the dining room. Mother Paraskeva is busily preparing lunch nearby. “Our bishop wanted to see a monastery in Santa Barbara named after our saint,” Mother Victoria continues. “That was at the end of 1992.” The responsibility fell to Mother Victoria. Having been provided no definitive instruction on how to move forward, she acted on the decree as best she could, but the going was very difficult. Until the IRS got involved. “One day I received a check from the IRS,” says Mother Victoria. “I couldn’t imagine what it was for. I tried calling them, repeatedly.” She looks at me levelly and raises an eyebrow. “Have you ever tried calling the IRS?” Despite tireless attempts to penetrate the IRS force field, no information was forthcoming, and so Mother Victoria did the only sensible thing. “Lo and behold, it was just enough money to get started.” She and a willing novice moved into a two-bedroom cottage near the intersection of Castillo and West Victoria Streets, near the bright-blue Holy Resurrection Russian Orthodox Church there. They bought some groceries, the necessary texts, a couple sticks of furniture and began holding the daily round of Orthodox monastic services in the living room. It was slow going, and after a year Mother Victoria’s novice left to go to an established monastery in Pennsylvania. Then, the IRS called. They’d sent the check to the wrong recipient and would she please send it back? “I couldn’t send it back. I’d spent it!” she says.

House of the holy: St. Barbara Orthodox Monastery, home to St. Barbara and her devoted caregivers. (photo credit: Judith van Vliet)

The IRS negotiated very reasonable terms with her and she paid it back over time. The whole episode may constitute the first time the IRS has inadvertently founded a monastery. Next, they needed Barbara. “Since the beginning of the [Eastern Orthodox] church’s existence, no divine liturgy is performed except on the relics of martyrs,” the Abbess explains. That is, a recognized saint’s relic must be on the premises in order to legitimize and consecrate the worship service. As it happened, a bishop acquaintance of Mother Victoria attended a conference of Orthodox bishops in Chicago, where through a completely chance meeting, arrangements were made to acquire a relic of Saint Barbara, from Kiev, in Ukraine. When the relic finally did arrive in Santa Barbara, it had the effect of galvanizing Mother Victoria’s resolve. “I decided then and there that if I were nothing else but the keeper of the relics for the rest of my life, that was worth doing. I would persevere.” Persevere she did, and now the monastery to which she’d earlier devoted herself began to grow. The cottage gave way to a larger house, and then a still larger

one in Goleta. When the gold-plated real-estate values of the Santa Barbara area made future plans for expansion too pricey, the monastery was relocated to its present location near Ojai. Mother Nina walks ahead. The winding dirt path meanders between trees and stumps, tire swings, the occasional overturned lawn chair. Here and there, one is surprised by a jarringly colorful portrait of a saint, painted on a placard about the size of a cutting board, the style decidedly faux Byzantine. The glossy, vibrantly colored boards are pleasantly out of place in this mild riot of flora and sun. To each of these beautiful, stylized portraits is appended a sanctified bit of sometimes ancient human tissue, the fragment viewed through a tiny metalringed porthole called a theca. I keep leaning in and squinting. What do I hope to see? When I apologize for my frank fascination with these pieces of simple matter, Mother Nina schools me. “It’s not actually quite that simple,” she says. “When I die, you’re going to want to put me in the ground soon, because I’m going to start stinking.” She pauses for a good guffaw, and then continues. “But

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Pleased to meet me: With ecumenical fanfare, Saint Barbara’s icon makes its debut with the relic in this photo from 1996. (Courtesy of St. Barbara Orthodox Monastery)

the saints – their relics are incorrupt. I’m just beginning to understand the physical dimension of faith. Matter is not beside the point. Matter is very much to the point. Starting with the creation of it, the making of it.” My mind wanders briefly to the Higgs boson, the so-called “God particle,” long sought and only recently unveiled in an unimaginable fusillade of high-energy collisions within the Large Hadron Collider, a donut that is 17 miles round and 328 feet beneath the Swiss-French border. Since the Age of Reason, we’ve been preoccupied with the notion of matter, with its essence. It would seem the nature of matter – its ability to hold a charge or contain Godhood, as it once is famously said to have done – is of central spiritual concern to Eastern Orthodoxy. It is an interesting twist on materialism. The leafy property ambles back to a dry creek bed. From these foothills, the Santa Ynez Mountains loom in unfiltered sun, the dominant feature from this vantage a forested glacial valley as smoothly gouged as the divot spooned out of a newly opened carton of ice cream. Need one have been martyred to be a candidate for sainthood, I ask? No. To illustrate, Mother Nina tells the story of Saint Alexis of Ugine, a “modern” saint whose priestly life of service, beatifying privations and ceaseless suffering make the biblical Job look happy-go-lucky. Alexis died of illness and in great pain in 1934. When 20 years later his grave and several others stood in the way of developing a new apartment complex in the French alpine town, a crew of city workmen dispatched to disinter the progress-slowing corpses found Alexis about four feet underground, sans coffin, looking as fresh as the proverbial daisy. His burial clothes were unscathed and new, his flesh unmarked, the only indication of any time having passed was the disintegrating metal ring that held his bible. That is, he hadn’t putrefied. “His body was incorrupt,” says Mother Nina. “It was as if he’d just been buried yesterday.” As we walk the grounds, I find I’m selfconsciously folding my hands behind my back in the manner of an ascetic strolling

thoughtfully through a glade. Mother Nina, meanwhile, holds forth with the uncontained giddiness of a kid showing off the birthday haul. She is not the silent, eyeaverting monastic often portrayed in films. Neither are her three sisters. Mother Victoria projects the quiet strength of tempered steel behind a knowing smile and squints girlishly when she chuckles. Mother Olga is a seemingly reticent holy woman until you notice she is often murmuring a running commentary of wry one-liners under her breath. When I mention that I detect an accent, Mother Olga quietly corrects me, “I don’t have an accent. Y’all do.” A Texan! Mother Paraskeva is the youngest of the group, the soft-spoken house philosopher who will eloquently parse the epistemological shadings between the Eastern and Western approaches to Things Unseen, speaks of Aristotelian rationalism with quiet authority and who, I’ve been assured by her compatriots, can shimmy handily up a 30-foot rope swing. Through the whole of our short tour, Mother Nina constantly and reflexively yanks at the back of her cowl, an endearing gesture that signals she is not a translucent mystic from a remote Himalayan summit. She and her sisters are but exceptionally curious, dedicated people who have found a way to sweep aside all distractions in the daily pursuit of the singular question they have for God. How close can I get? Mother Olga approaches a bell hung by the front door. “I’m under orders to make some noise,” she deadpans, and begins fitfully ringing. At 15 minutes after noon this and every day, the sisters hold a service in which candles are lit in the midday chapel. This is part of a daily cycle of liturgical services that begin in the pre-dawn hours. There is bowing and crossing and the sisters retreat to three corners of the room, where daises await with an open text. Mothers Nina and Paraskeva share a dais the way George and Paul used to share a mic in the early days of Beatlemania. Each sister in turn then reads aloud, the words issuing forth in a mesmerizing singsong. It’s lovely and hypnotic and transporting. Twenty minutes into this ceremony, quite suddenly, Mother Victoria

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sounds out a quick four-note figure to guide the sisters in pitch, and they burst as one into a velvety Beach Boys, close-harmony canticle, with traces of The Mamas and the Papas. It’s a glorious surprise. At completion they cross themselves and without further ceremony quietly disperse to go about their daily business. Later, I ask how they manage to so easily find those dulcet harmonies. Surely they practice a lot. “Well, sometimes, if we do a Tone 6 of something we don’t know,” Mother Nina responds, “it’s not absolutely clear when we should go up or down.” “Mother Nina has just described what her problem is,” Mother Victoria announces to all present. Mother Paraskeva turns to Mother Victoria and asks softly, “And what is that, Mother?” “She doesn’t know whether to go up or down,” Mother Victoria replies, straightfaced. Raucous laughter. “And it’s a radical problem, too!” Mother Nina yells over the hilarity. Three of the sisters are briefly overcome with glee. I hear Mother Olga say quietly through a half smile, “When in doubt, go up.” This article was previously published by Mission and State, a nonprofit initiative dedicated to bringing Santa Barbara in-depth journalism. For more, go to missionandstate.org.

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with Mark Léisuré

Mark spends much of his time wandering Santa Barbara and environs, enjoying the simple things that come his way. A show here, a benefit there, he is generally out and about and typically has a good time. He says that he writes “when he feels the urge” and doesn’t want his identity known for fear of an experience that is “less than authentic.” So he remains at large, roaming the town, having fun. Be warned.

The Seminar Mr. Leisure Needs Most

bout 15 years ago, the Santa Barbara International Film Festival hosted the world premiere of an independent movie called 30, Still Single, Contemplating Suicide (I still have the t-shirt to prove it). The rom-com told the story of a Los Angeles writer who failed for seven years at finding love in the City of Angels. The thing is, folks in Santa Barbara – maybe even some of the same ones who flocked to the film back in 1998 – are likely thinking, “Hey, I’m 45 and I still can’t get a date!” That’s a significant portion of the target audience, at least, for Love & Hope & Sex & Dreams: The New Rules for Dating and Relating in the New Year, a seminar that will be held at the Center Stage Theater on Tuesday, January 14. Described as a “lively, interactive town hall-style discussion and debate on the current state of the date,” the event seeks to answer the question “Why is everyone still single?,” according to Brian Howie, author and creator of How to Find Love in 60 Seconds, a writer who just happened to move to Santa Barbara six months or so ago from, you guessed it, Los Angeles. The audience will be limited to 150 people, evenly divided between men and women – and when we say divided, we mean literally: the bachelors and bachelorettes (not that anyone has to undergo a search for missing marriage licenses to gain admission) will sit on

Tim Lopez of Plain White T’s will play at the Kids Helping Kids January 11 benefit concert.

Brian Howie will speak at the dating seminar held at the Center Stage Theater on Tuesday, January 14.

opposite sides of the theater. “We expect there will be a lot of fingerpointing,” Howie explained. So don’t expect any silly gimmicks like at most singles mixers, say a Lock & Key Party (where key-toting men search out the women who’s lock pendant serves as their mate) or the forced five-minute conversations of Speed Dating. “We don’t want you to do contrived things,” Howie said. “But if you get rid of your fear and hone your communication skills, you can meet someone. You don’t need to be matched up artificially. Just have hope and clarity.”

Attendees will hear ideas, discussion and debate between several area “relationship specialists,” including Lisa Darsonval, owner of Santa Barbara Matchmaking; Megan O’Brien, blogger and CEO of BeautyBrander; Jackie Ruka, “America’s Happyologist” and creator of “Get Happy Zone”; Shelli Stutz, founder of “ManFixer”; and Dr. Jonathan Harvin, described as a “human sexuality and relationship expert.” The event will be hosted and moderated by Jo Piazza, author of Love Rehab. Each has their specialty, ranging from communication issues to a focus on connecting on a spiritual level to finding love from the inside out by making yourself happy first. One panelist even posits a theme that the search for love is like a drug addiction that causes irrational behavior. “We don’t all necessarily agree,” Howie said. “What we wanted was people with different philosophies and ideas about how to solve the puzzle and bridge the disconnect that is, at its core, is a communication issue. We’re going to spend 90 minutes breaking the walls and exploding the urban myths. Slay the dragons. By the end of the night, the concept is that both sexes will have a renewed sense of hope for the new year.” For Howie’s, whose “60 Seconds” seminar is geared toward women, his take is that females don’t realize that they are “in charge of their own fate. They act, and men react, where as the perception is the opposite. If you enable and empower women, they can act on the opportunities. She can realize that not all men are jerks.” And that even carries through when they do somehow get together. “When on a date, where a man is optimistic and excited, she’s looking for red flags, thinking of reasons why it won’t work, and building up barriers.” That issue is particularly troubling in Santa Barbara, Howie said, because of the perception that there are a lot of great single women in town, but much fewer desirable men.

“Women go out together, but men generally don’t go out as a group,” he said. “So at night, you see a disproportionate amount of women. And if a guy is out by himself, he’s not going to go up to a group. But there really are the same numbers between the sexes.” Indeed, Howie says Darsonval focuses on that area. “She says, ‘There are tons of good men in Santa Barbara. But it’s easier to say I’d rather be alone than be in a bad relationship, taking the idea of a good one off the table.’” Speaking of long-term relationships, it turns out that nobody on the panel is currently married; three have been divorced, according to Howie. That’s partly because “love and marriage aren’t the same thing,” said Howie, who is currently dating a women he met when he led a “Love in 60 Seconds” seminar in Santa Barbara last fall. But it’s also that “even the experts on some level go through this.” So why should we listen to them, or even attend the event, for that matter? “It’s partly about camaraderie, to express the frustration,” Howie said. “But the main thing is, we’re still trying. We’re battle-scarred but still hopeful. Even if you don’t find love, you’ll be fascinated by some interesting dialogue. And right on the other side of the theater are 75 people who could be your match.” Tickets for Love & Hope & Sex & Dreams: The New Rules for Dating and Relating in the New Year are $40. Call 963-0408 or visit www.centerstagetheater.org or www. openingacts.org. Attendees receive a gift bag with products and perks including a signed copy of Love Rehab, plus complimentary admission to post-event party at Eureka!

Event Round Up

Space for other events is extremely limited. (Really, what’s more important than love, anyway?) But if you’re already blissfully hooked up or otherwise not searching for an s.o., here are a few select other worthy ways to spend your evenings through mid-January: Andy Grammer and Tim Lopez of Plain White T’s play the annual Kids Helping Kids concert at the Granada on January 11... Barbara Morrison, one of the finer jazz singers in the SoCal area, visits SOhO for the monthly Santa Barbara Jazz Society show on January 12... Speaking of Stories opens its 20th anniversary season with “Nothing But Laughs” at Center Stage, January 12 and 13... David Crosby tests out songs from his forthcoming Croz, his first solo studio album in 20 years, at his hometown Lobero on January 16… Singer-songwriter Shawn Colvin is at the same venue the next night… Former SNL comedian Colin Quinn brings his one-man show “Unconstitutional” to the Lobero on January 18... CAMA’s International Series resumes January 21 with the Royal Philharmonic with soloist Pinchas Zuckerman.

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by Jim Luksic

A longtime writer, editor and film critic, Jim has worked nationwide for several websites and publications – including the Dayton Daily News, Key West Citizen, Topeka Capital-Journal, Las Cruces Sun-News and Santa Ynez Valley Journal. California is his seventh state. When he isn’t watching movies or sports around the Central Coast and Los Angeles, you can find Jim writing and reading while he enjoys coffee and bacon, or Coke and pizza.

Weird Wolf

udging by Frozen’s scorching box-office sales, I may be the only American who hasn’t seen it. Due to a combination of indifference, time constraints, dangerous winter weather (I visited Ohio during the holidays) and the fact Frozen is animated, I just didn’t get around to it. I’m not really a kid at heart (you don’t say) and have no children that I’m aware of, so it’s difficult to get motivated for a 90-minute cartoon, no matter how popular and acclaimed. That doesn’t mean all the liveaction, adult-oriented movies are deserving of attention; there are indeed a few I wish hadn’t been witnessed. The hypeworthy American Hustle was an exception. Due to my December travels, I somehow hadn’t found a city that was showing elusive August: Osage County, Inside Llewyn Davis and the heralded Her, the last of which stars enigmatic Joaquin Phoenix. (Now that I’m settling back down in Santa Barbara, those are atop my radar.) With all of that said, sifting through the following year-end collection can be a chore on par with putting away Christmas decorations:

Good, Bad, Ugly, etc.

The Wolf of Wall Street’s biggest feat was dodging an NC-17 rating; I’ve seen less nudity in a strip club and less sex in Amsterdam’s red-light district. That assessment doesn’t even include the movie’s purported record-breaking use of the F-bomb. But when your filmmakers include legendary Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio, puppet strings can be pulled. Big, bad Wolf, indeed. Based on a true story about the rise and fall of a New York stockbroker in the 1980s, it compares unfavorably to Oliver Stone’s unforgettable Wall Street. For all of Scorsese’s masterful skills and legion of loyalists – present company included, as Goodfellas is my all-time favorite picture – the man could be considered a show-off. And his latest cinematic peacock struts around for a bloated three hours. There are brilliant flourishes (the Quaalude scene earns top honors), and DiCaprio – who remains the world’s most underrated star – stems the tide of debauchery. Grudge Match trots out Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro to tell the tale of two Pittsburgh boxing rivals who are coaxed out of retirement for an overhyped “rubber” match. As the washed-up pugilists prepare for their final showdown, it’s less suspenseful than it is inconceivable. Alan Arkin and Kevin Hart dutifully spin one-liners, while Kim

air of lazy, dated smugness and contentment. This activity has become too normal.

Basinger surfaces to fight off the monotony. Not many folks in Hollywood were chomping at the bit to tackle author James Thurber’s beloved The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, but director Ben Stiller makes quite a go of it. In front of the cameras, he portrays the titular daydreamer whose stoic anonymity belies his fantasies. Among them are a pretty colleague (Kristen Wiig) who friends him as their Life magazine offices shut down. On the home front, it comes across as pedestrian, but the adventure ultimately takes off under the moody, enchanting skies of Greenland and Iceland. Sean Penn’s cool, understated cameo somehow makes sense of it all. If you’re a diehard Paranormal Activity apologist, we probably haven’t met. The latest spinoff, called The Marked Ones (because of a mysterious bruise or abrasion on characters’ forearms), follows the path of a young man in Oxnard who is inexplicably chosen for possession by a relentless demon. Although this latest version deviates from its predecessors by shifting much of the action outdoors, the upshot is less scary and flat-out tedious. The handheld videocamera, while striving for a subjective “personal” point of view, instead causes motion sickness and limited scope: We can see only what the young chronicler sees. A somewhat intriguing first half diminishes toward a climax that falls short on scares while reviving a familiar face from the original. There’s an

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You Have Your Hands Full by Mara Peters Former editor for the fashion/lifestyle section of the New York

Post, Mara moved to London and worked as a contributing editor for the Daily Mail’s You Magazine, freelancing for Look Magazine, NY Post and the Style Magazine for The Sunday Times. To remain sane during diaper years she writes a mommy blog, You Have Your Hands Full – www.handsfullsb.com.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

’m really big on resolutions. I start thinking about them come early December. By the end of the month, they are well thought out, formulated and extensive. Since we first got married, Alpha and I share our lists on New Year’s Eve with optimism and resolve. It is one of my favorite traditions and, just recently, the kids have started to weigh in as well. This year we lit our wish lanterns and watched them rise across the marsh behind Alpha’s parents house in Savannah, Georgia. Then we headed back in for a huge family dinner to talk about (what else?) our New Year’s Resolutions. Charlie had Liv write, “I am not

going to argue as much with Teddy (TRY)” as his number one, on the top five list. “So, what exactly does try mean?” I quizzed my four-year-old. “Well, I know I am going to fight with Teddy this year, so I don’t want to disappoint you by saying I won’t at all. If I say TRY, then you know it’s really okay that we fight a little,” he rationalized. Awesome. So much for my efforts to teach my child that try is an empty term that means very little. In the same thread, Jackson announced, “I’m going to practice my lacrosse every morning before school on the wall.” The entire table of extended family of aunts, uncles,

Eve of 2014 with Jackson and his wish lantern, full of promise and possibilities...

cousins, grandparents and even a great grandparent applauded. But I didn’t.

Setting the Bar High (Sort Of) “Umm, Jax, honey, you already get up and play lacrosse on the wall. Have you even tried to think about your resolutions?” I interrupted the applause, raining on his parade. “I know, I just couldn’t think of five resolutions so I just threw that one in,” he shrugged. I knew letting the kids’ lead off with the table discussion as serious as this one was a problem. Taking charge, I abruptly halted all conversation and decided to share my thoughtful resolutions with the table. You know, lead by example. “This year, I am going to be more patient. Especially with Teddy –“ I started in. “IMPOSSIBLE!” Liv interrupted me. “There is NO WAY that you aren’t going to be able to not yell at Teddy.” “I hear you Liv, and to be honest, I don’t like that in myself, so this year I am really going to do more than just ‘try,’ which means I am making a huge effort.” That is my biggest one this year. That whole yelling at Teddy thing. That kid was born in trouble. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was in trouble while I was carrying him.

He can’t help himself. Whether it’s his need to sing at the top of his lungs while at the homework table or the need to antagonize Charlie in whatever he does. It means that much of the day I am telling him (which after several times turns into yelling at him) that he’s making the “putz” choice. Sorry, I digress. Once the ball was back in the kids’ court at the table, the major theme among the four of them was to take better care of our extensive menagerie. Walk and brush Wolfie more. Let Hersey out of her cage so she can hop around and eat grass. Remember to feed Blue Jay, our beta fish, “occasionally.” Teddy, our biggest animal lover, told the table he just wanted to “love” Harry, his teddy-bear hamster, a little extra this year. And make sure all the lizards he caught at the reservoir were fed “fat, juicy crickets” in his new lizard cage that Santa had left. By the end of the meal, I was optimistic about what we all could achieve. We traveled back home to Santa Barbara January 1, after a nice long week. I didn’t yell at Teddy on either plane ride. Or even the drive from LAX. And he didn’t make it easy, that’s for sure. We burst into the house with so much happiness, enthusiasm and appreciation for our home and the life we’ve created here. I was dropping Charlie’s stuff in the kids’ room when I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a lizard scurry across the new cage. Hold on a sec, had Teddy caught lizards before we left and then forgotten to release them? Had they been in this cage, without food and water all this time? Hadn’t Santa specifically left a note that told him he could catch, keep for a couple of days and then release? This was not to be a torture chamber. I lost it. “TEDDY!!!” My voice echoed through the house and likely halfway down the street. He came running in, totally frazzled. When I pointed to his lizard’s cage, his shoulders sagged, simply explaining he’d “forgotten.” “I guess neither one of us is good at resolutions,” he muttered under his breath. “Excuse me, what do you mean?” I asked in an accusatory voice. “Yelled. You just yelled at me,” he reminded me. “At least I try Teddy,” I sniffed, caught out. But trying was feeling awful empty.

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WEEKEND GUIDE

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• LOVE IS FREE

SANTA BARBARA LIVING

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SANTA BARBARA SKINNY

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What: Craft Workshop for Teens When: Friday, January 17, 3:30pm Where: Santa Barbara Public Library Townley Room, 40 East Anapamu Why: Learn to make mini origami books. How: Fold, bend, flip!

WINE & DINE

Mingling With Masters

By Eve Sommer-Belin his one goes out to the serious foodies and winos out there. Ever dream of spending an evening geeking out about wine, sakes and spirits with master sommeliers? If so, then you must check out the Meet the Masters series at the Bacara Resort & Spa’s Miro Restaurant. Over the next several months, master sommeliers will be coming to dinner. Enjoy cocktail hour by the sea and a fantastic meal at Miro, then mingle with some of the greatest palates in the world. This month, meet Master Sommelier Fred

the

• LOOSE CHANGE

Dame – the first American to serve as President of the Court of Master Sommeliers. Next month, meet Nicolas Krafft, Sabrage and Champagne Master, President and CEO of Christofle Worldwide. In March, chat with Yuji Matsumoto, Master Sake Sommelier and Shochu Specialist. As you can probably tell, these opportunities are not easily replicated and shouldn’t be missed! Check out www. bacararesort.com for details. And get your tickets soon… our bet is that they will be gone before you know it!

What’ll It Cost Me?: $15 per calendar.

• HEY BIG SPENDER What: Ventura Restaurant Week Where: Participating restaurants in downtown Ventura When: Monday, January 13 – Sunday, January 19 Why: Choose from more than 30 restaurants around town and receive 20% off your food order. How: Get a taste of Ventura!

BE ACTIVE

Happy New You

SANTA BARBARA LIVING

What: Calendar for a Cause Where: Online at www.zobelezoo.com When: It’s a new year and it’s time for a new calendar! Why: Local designer Eric Zobel designed a 2014 Santa Barbara Wildlife Calendar to benefit the Santa Barbara Audubon’s Eyes in the Sky – a wildlife education and raptor rehabilitation program. How: Pencil it in and flip some birds.

By Sarah Dodge t’s a new year and that means a new chance to live life to our collective fullest potential. So this year (indeed every year), we resolve to share with you, in fine SB Skinny fashion, our favorite finds to help keep your fitness goals on track and you feeling great. We couldn’t think of a more appropriate place to start our new year of Be Active than with the Get Back To Your Body 2014 cleanse with some of our SB favorites: Lolë Atelier Santa Barbara, Beth Alexander Fitness, Health Nuts and The Juice Club! Although technically this program started this past weekend, we thought it was too good not to share. Simply kick off your three-week juice detox and fitness program with a threeday cold-pressed juice cleanse for the price of $165 (normally $195) and the rest is on them: free fitness classes every Saturday at Lolë, free spa treatments, deep discounts on personal training and other juice cleanses and 30 percent off on all Lolë Women gear. Did we mention there’s even a chance to win two months of unlimited classes at CorePower Yoga? Interested? We thought so. Check out www.thejuiceclub.com/blog/get-backbody-2014 or (and!) contact Alison at aa@thejuiceclub.com to RSVP your spot today. Last time we checked, there’s still lots of January left!

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What’ll It Cost Me?: Free! To guarantee a spot in the workshop, contact the library at (805) 564-5603. .com

What’ll It Cost Me?: Dinner for two? It will cost a buck or two...

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CALCAG-KNOWS

REAL ESTATE

3888 Nathan Road

by Michael Calcagno

Michael has consistently been ranked in the top 1% of Sotheby’s agents worldwide. Shortly after joining Sotheby’s, he partnered with Nancy Hamilton to form one of the most successful real estate teams in Santa Barbara. Michael can be reached at Michael@HomesinSantaBarbara.com

New Year, New Inventory

espite the predictable Holiday shenanigans that I think we probably all experience and expect in the month of December, I can honestly say I was surprised at the numbers from last month. I have told clients, colleagues and friends countless times before that despite the usual market slowdown of the holidays, year after year, December seems to be one of the busier times for me and my business partner. After taking a quick look at December’s numbers it seems that it might have been that way for a lot of sellers, buyers and agents this year. In the price ranges of $400,000 to $1,000,000 in the areas East of State, West of State and Hope Ranch from December 1st to the 31st, there were a total of 22 new listings to hit the market. Out of those, seven of them closed in the month of December, and – get this – another nine of them went pending. So that means there are six properties left on the market from all properties listed in December. Not too shabby. Even more stunning was the total number of closings and pending sales for the same areas, time frames and price ranges. There were a total of 46 closed properties in the month of December and 37 properties went pending. It’s pretty impressive that there were more than double the amount that closed than listed. I hoping this will continue through 2014. If the low inventory keeps up, it just might. Take a look at a few new listings right here and look out for the year in review in next edition’s article.

Mortgage statistics provided by Justin M. Kellenberger, Senior Loan Officer at SG Premier Lending Group, Inc. Justin can always be reached at justin@sgpremierlending.com. Note: The foregoing economic breakdowns do not include potential tax benefit analyses since that will ultimately depend upon a number of additional factors. But home ownership can indeed have tremendous tax-savings potential and should be considered with your realtor and/or tax accountant as part of the ownership decision.

Purchase price: $915,000 Down payment (20%): $183,000 Loan amount: $732,000 Loan payment: $3,708

(30 yr fixed rate at 4.5% (4.57% APR))

Property taxes estimate: $838 Home insurance estimate: $80 Total Monthly Payment: $4,626

2916 Calle Nogueres

739 East Anapamu Street

Purchase price: $865,000 Down payment (20%): $173,000 Loan amount: $692,000 Loan payment: $3,506

(30 yr fixed rate at 4.5% (4.57% APR))

Property taxes estimate: $792 Home insurance estimate: $80 Total Monthly Payment: $4,378

Purchase price: $987,000 Down payment (20%): $197,400 Loan amount: $789,600 Loan payment: $4,000

(30 yr fixed rate at 4.5% (4.57% APR)) Property taxes estimate: $904 Home insurance estimate: $80

Total Monthly Payment: $4,984

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