(working title) The (truly Taddled) Tale Of A (Troubled But) Tenacious Girl

The beginning Love letter to yourself Shrinking I don’t know If I can Iced out The garden of Adam & Eve Vacant ID A Trip Affirmations Emotionally unavailable Becoming Mother The deception of self Flipside Solitude Heartbreak Depression If I ruled the world…

Borderline Salvation Coping Phoenix Fear Rejection comes in different ways Heartache Being seen I can’t breathe Critic Behind brown eyes Virus

As a woman To my fellow women I want to start this journey of with The biggest act of rebellion for us women is to dismiss everything modern day media tell us is acceptable Frankly to love yourself while your type of beauty is not represented by mainstream media is the biggest act of rebellion you can act upon Join the conversation Love Yourself Unapologetically

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The beginning

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Dear life, I never treated you like you were mine

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Love letter to yourself Hey beautiful Looking better than ever I have missed those eyes looking back at me Pitch dark, I see the sparkle lighting them up Puppy dog eyes, eyes that have seen the worst things Eyes that have cried so much but still remain to glare innocently I have missed your eyes I hope you’re well You deserve it You really do You try so hard to do the right thing Heart so pure, intentions golden People don’t see the struggle you have every day Demons are still not leaving you alone are they?

The constant battle you must have with your brain No wonder you’re so tired at the end of every day That’s the smile Lights up a room Instant cuteness overload You don’t like it when I tell you you’re cute, but you are Not only cute but smart All these distractions I’m causing you I wish you could see how fast your bounce back game is I know I haven’t been the nicest to you Always putting you down Criticising every move I know I tell you you are not good enough Tweak every more Second guess Not impressed by anything you do I don’t mean it I love you I do I am going to be nicer to the skin you live in It’s unfair I know all you ever wanted was to be loved To be held To be told everything is going to be okay Day after day You just want to be loved That’s all you want I understand that now I won’t to do that anymore After all these years of being in an abusive relationship I will let you go I’m not good for you

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Shrinking I make myself smaller Just to please your ego I make myself smaller Disregard my own feelings But no more Nothing you respond has to do with me It’s you It’s you It’s you The mental state you are in Uplifted or Not

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I don’t know if I can I’m the kind of person That will shake the ground she stands upon to fly to the sky and above Meet all of the planets Dance with the stars If I want to But if I don’t I will shake it so hard the very ground under my feet will start to break and swallow me whole

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Iced out They, who shall not be named.

Forgotten Out of the heart Out of the mind Only comes to those I rather not speak of Unworthy names I rather put ‘em to rest Nameless hollow soul You leave me numb You are not worthy to be spoken of You living organism of disgrace walking amongst us Everything you put me through Will get back to you

[State of mind] I ran to the other end of the world Just to release myself from this toxic energy Ran away, as far as I could Couldn’t keep up anymore

The garden of Adam & Eve What if When you die They tell you the secret of life You open your eyes And there it is The key to ultimate happiness It was yours all along The day you came to life You had it And it was the power of your mind But instead you let the demons distract you You became your own worst enemy You shouldn’t been the one eliminating yourself All you had to do was to believe in yourself

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Damn To hear you failed the test While having the cheat sheet in your hand Must hurt

[State of mind] So numb I can’t move That has been me All of my life

Vacant If you serve no purpose Leave If you don’t support me Leave If you don’t build me Up Leave I deserve to be loved You must know by now who is me Which multitudes contain me If one does not put trust upon others character Why must we waste our time If you don’t believe in The best of me Leave

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I second guess myself enough, for the both of us

[State of mind] What is my purpose on this planet Am I living Or am I surviving?

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ID Do we exist out of memory?

Is personality A box full of old pictures and notes Of what we remember occurred Of who we remember passed through our lives Does a memory have to be a warm memory?

One we think of everyday In order for it shape us Or can it be shoved away?

In the dark with the cover on All the way in the attic In the dust For it to be still consuming our mental state ‘I want to know how you work’ She says In order to do that I need to know what you’re made of What shook your ground And made you to who you are today If it doesn’t shake you, it won’t make you

A Trip The human experience is so profound You spend a lifetime getting to know yourself The hardest thing to do Is to look in the mirror and recognize yourself When even the mirror is lying to you I say this And I will keep on saying it You don’t value yourself No one else will I am not perfect Nor will I ever be in the eyes of society But I need to know that’s okay And love myself regardless Because I am enough And I am worth it

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Not only to you But to me

Affirmations I, I am destined for great things I, I am destined for great things I, I am destined for great things I, I am destined for great things I, I am destined for greatness I have the potential I have the talent I have the drive I have the intelligence I have the charisma I deserve it I want it I will make it happen I will achieve it I, I am destined for great things I am destined for great things I am destined for great things I am destined for great things I am destined for greatness I will forsake the fear I will forsake my doubt There is no room for that In my mind Only greatness Only greatness Only greatness Family wealth Love interest Financial success Selflove Selfcare Yes, I will Yes, I will Amount to all of these things Move mountains Build bridges Awaken fire Turn water into wine I am one with the universe I am one I am love I am compassion I am willpower

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I believe in the best of me

[State of mind] If the thought of me is not strong enough to occupy your mind Then we are indeed wasting our time

Emotionally unavailable I felt my insecurities be activated I almost couldn’t swallow the rejection I almost selfishly thought it was me that was to blame This isn't about me

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You are not showing up for your own misconduct I ain’t taking the fall for this one

Becoming Why do I feel so uncomfortable asking for compassion?

Is it because I don't have compassion for myself?

Asking you to be mindful of my feelings makes me feel as if I'm asking for too much - Root of the problem realisation -

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A lifetime of not speaking Has become me

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Mother I have spent the half of my life Being upset about the cards I have been dealt I had to tell her How much she had damaged me I did it for me The one true selfish act I have ever acted upon was telling her how much I hated her From that moment on I was free No more running from myself Closure

The deception of self

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I see I'm trying to lie to myself What a shame What a waste Who am I To deceive myself And get angry When others do so To me

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Flipside It comes up And it goes down My alter ego Has arrived But I don’t want you to see this part of me I try to forget about it Every time it passes If no one knows I don’t have to deal with it

Solitude It's terrible to say this I want to be there for you But my heart can't handle the ache I shut you out

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Only to preserve myself

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Heartbreak

I cried and said It's okay I will be on my own It's all I have ever known It's all I have ever known How I wished upon the stars For your heart to be mine What will it take?

For you to confide In this love of mine

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Depression The food I eat has no taste The clothes I wear have no sass Life is bland Life is bland Monotone The people I converse have no spark The sights I see are grey A state of mind you see A state of mind

If I ruled the world‌ This is my world Sometimes I feel out of touch This is my world I remind myself whenever I want to give up I try to pick myself up Show 'em what I’m made of I will not let myself be defined Some days this is hard Other days it is not Not everybody is willing to listen I get tired from the dialogue

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This is my world It is my mine for the moulding It is mine for the unfolding I need to remind myself It is not over

Borderline My feelings Are always a mess Never know when to undress Repress Or confess It is hard to regulate the wild Keep it tamed Takes more energy Then you would say Some days I’m up So high I can fly Cry From laughter Or despair Some days I’m so low Down on my flow Never know If I’m good enough Or too much Too aware Of my surroundings Too emotional For my liking

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It is a journey These emotions of mine So high So low Never know

Salvation

I am the only one who will save Me From Myself

Love me in the process That is all i'm asking for

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Coping Never in my life I allowed myself to just be Always needed to exceed Always needed to be something more In order to cope To put on an act To self-protect To shut off To detach

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To be Is a luxury When you have bad habits like me

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Phoenix I’ve been going through tremendous hurt Losing every core of foundation I’ve built This place has been monumental Ironic While hating it so much While hurting so much I feel like I’m being born While giving birth

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Fear I’m not afraid of getting hurt no more Every single person I’ve loved Has hurt me at this point Guess it’s inevitable Guess it’s all I’ve known

Rejection comes in different ways I am a fruit tree One you don’t want to plant in your garden Avoid the hassle of watering it Feeding it Caring for its light of sun While my fruit is so juicy The smell makes you linger Colours so bright it hurts your eyes So ripe

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You don’t seem to mind Filling yourself up on the fruit you pluck It leaves you satisfied While it leaves me bare

Heartache Deep down I don’t feel worthy of love she whispered...

Tears fell down like raindrops Pouring from the sky I let him go his way because I believed I didn’t deserve any better

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I died and Made him the king of my castle Trusted his every word Looked to him for all my matters

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Being seen You're making me feel like I am not good enough Once again old feelings occur These feelings feel all too familiar I catch myself trying to catch your eye I catch myself trying to be more Trying to catch your full undivided catching attention Catch myself forcing you to put in the effort Catch myself willing to overstep I am trying to catch you In order for you to see me Now, I must remember Not everyone can be caught in the eye of the beholder and be behold as something special It is not he that does not see you It is you Queen

I can’t breathe I suffered from anxiety my whole life From biting the flesh of my fingers Eating away at the inside of my cheeks To not showing up for myself The easiest thing in life Is not to give a fuck The easiest thing in life Is not to give a fuck

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It’s all fun and games If tomorrow is only a thought away So I don’t think at all Light up another joint Smoke the reality away

[State of mind] Full disclosure I’m skitzo Quad polar I don’t even accept me I can’t even predict me So how can you?

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Critic My heart is catching a cold again I don’t want it to It has become tired from all the beatings It got from you The voice in my head has a face now It looks familiar It looks just like you Tells me all the things I can’t do Tells me all the things I won’t amount to

Behind brown eyes I saw everyone living their best life From behind a wall In this glass house I’ve built I allowed myself to get comfortable For years I allowed myself to watch from a distance And not let anyone in

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Trust issues Stem from an early age My mom was sick And my dad didn’t do anything about it Violence every day Just an innocent child The hurt I bottled away

Virus A constant Underlying feeling of insecurity Always there But just never in front

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Like a software running at the back of my mind Never really allowing me to shine

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The coming to consciousness is not a discovery of some new thing; it is a long and painful return to that which has always been. —HELEN LUKE