Woman San Diego
Informing, Entertaining, and Featuring the Women of San Diego
Mega Bridal Issue 2012
The Grand Tradition
Making Memories that Last a Lifetime
2012 Wedding Trends Say “I Do” at the Zoo You’re Taking the Plunge Again?
Woman San Diego
Dear Readers, We are so excited to bring you our MEGA BRIDAL ISSUE. It is filled with information for first time brides, or those embarking on second, third or more walks down the aisle. Our feature story highlights one of the most beautiful wedding venues in Southern California, The Grand Tradition. You will love not only seeing the photos, but reading the story about how a high school economics teacher came up with the concept for this incredible venue and worked tirelessly with her husband and friends to make it a reality. They quickly turned a piece of property in Fallbrook into a fairy tale wedding venue, where hundreds of couples say their ‘I do’s,’ every year. Are you looking for an adventurous wedding? Then check out our article entitled “Say I Do, At the Zoo.” It will open up possibilities that you never imagined. Wouldn’t it be exciting to embark on a safari and get married all in the same day? Our issue further explores wedding traditions throughout the world with wedding trends for 2012, a destination wedding in Ireland, how to legally and financially plan for your marriage, picking your perfect honeymoon spots and so much more….
The impetus for this special wedding issue was the announcement by my older daughter that she would be getting married in 2012. After visiting numerous venues, photographers, florists, and bridal shops, I realized how important it is for the bride-to be to find the perfect vendors for their perfect day. We were so happy to get input from some of the best in their fields, and to be able to share them with our readers. We are so grateful to our wedding specialists for all their assistance in creating this issue. We have had a blast! For all of the brides-to-be out there, congratulations and I hope your special day will be one of the greatest memories of your lifetime.
Judith A. Habert
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San Diego Woman 254 E Grand Avenue, Suite 201 Escondido, CA 92025 888 275 7125 858 735 5301 Disclaimer: Products, services, practices, websites or informational packets mentioned within our pages are in no way an endorsement by San Diego Woman, but are provided to our readers for informational purposes only. Privacy Advisory: Personal information provided by our readers will be used solely for the purposes of providing requested information and will not be shared.
Cover Photograph: by Lisa K. Miller Model: Alexandria Lucatero
Graphics/Magazine Layout: Sonali Soni www.sonalidesignstudio.com
Destination Wedding…Ireland Have your dream wedding.
You Are Getting Married! So what's your plan?
Commitment Is it just a word?
Here comes the Bride and Groom Preserving your wedding memories.
Greek Marriage or Tragedy How did it turn out this way?
The Grand Tradition Making memories to last a lifetime.
Thirty Years On It just gets better.
Wedding Bands and Why? How did the custom begin?
Wedding Trends 2012 Learn what is new in 2012.
Say “I Do” at the Zoo A wild way to tie the knot.
Page 26 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30
How to Put More Happily in Ever After How do I know it will last?
Wedding Traditions Here and around the world.
Business Intelligence Empower yourself with knowledge. Bridal Boot Camp Fitting in to that wedding dress. When Your Loved One is Facing the End of Life Therapies to enhance their final days.
Page 40 Page 44 Page 46
In every Issue Letter from the Editor
Letters to the Editor
Women’s Work Mom wants to plan the wedding.
Transitions with Carol LeBeau The key to a happy marriage…Kindness.
He Said, She Said Should the Bride do it all?
Bitchin’ & Moaning Wedding Bell Black and Blues.
Fabulous Finds Read our editor’s picks.
Poetry Corner Love poems.
Ask An Angel Ending Alzheimer’s Disease.
Book Review Living Fit After Fifty
One Potential Future for Newspapers Is technology taking over?
A Picture Perfect Second Wedding Making it work.
Wedding I Do’s and Don’ts Don’t make these dreaded mistakes. So You’re Taking the Plunge Again? Making the second marriage work.
Mega Bridal Issue 2012
6 Sonali Soni
Woman San Diego
www.sandiegowoman.com 254 E Grand Avenue, Suite 201 Escondido, CA 92025 888 275 7125 858 735 5301 Graphics/Magazine Layout: Sonali Soni www.sonalidesignstudio.com
Judith A. Habert
Behind the Pages
Judith A. Habert Publisher/Editor-in-Chief
Sonali Soni Creative Director
Robert Tussey Copy Editing
Lisa K. Miller Photographer
Jaime V. Habert
Entertainment /Fashion Editor
W R I T E R S
Rob is president of The MarketBuilding Team, has written two books on marketing, and authors a free marketing advice column called Ask Mr. Marketing. You can subscribe to his free marketing newsletter at www. marketbuilding.com.
Barbara is a freelance travel writer, reviewer, and photographer. For the better part of her adult life she’s traveled the world; capturing the beauty, cuisines, and curiosities of unique places.
Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.
Carol LeBeau spent close to 30 years as a beloved fixture on San Diego News. Today she is enjoying her retirement, as well as a second career as an in demand speaker at functions throughout San Diego. In addition to her many speaking engagements, Carol is a columnist for San Diego Woman speaking about life after her news career.
Lori opened Bolander Law Group in 2006. She is a member of the Bar Association and a graduate of the University of San Diego and California Western School of Law. This year Lori was elected co-chair of the Trusts and Estates Section of the San Diego County Bar Association and was also named one of San Diego’s top ten Trusts and Estates attorneys and was featured in the San Diego Daily Transcript’s “Top Attorney” issue.
Deanna has been an educator in the San Diego area for over twenty years. She currently teaches elementary school. In midlife, she has returned to her first love- writing. She is currently working on a series of stories and observations based on her life experiences.
Shelli has been active in the field of Organizational Consulting and Psychotherapy for the past 25 years, and holds a Ph.D. in Organizational Psychology. Shelli@4AQualityLife.com
Stacey is a Marketing Specialist with LightBridge Hospice & Palliative Care. She also writes and develops continuing education curriculum for a variety of organizations in addition to coaching youth soccer and personal training
Her love of photography began in 1975 when she received her first camera from her dad. She has been taking photos ever since. Stephanie has been creating beautiful wedding memories for78 couples for the past 18 years. For more information visit Stephanie's site at www. creativephotographyinc.com
Persephone, born and raised in North County San Diego has been a harpist, bird lover, concert monitor engineer, helicopter pilot, F1 car racing enthusiast, artist and writer.
An engineer by training, with history and writing among his many hobbies, Chinh Hoang is a freelance writer and long-time resident of San Diego. He is currently working on his first novel, a Vietnam War story.
Bill Edmett Jaime V. Habert
Jaime is a music enthusiast whose favorite genres include jazz vocals, and classical crossover. She has plans to pursue a degree in journalism and media. She is a freelance writer, who takes every opportunity to write about the subject she loves. Jaime resides with her family in Rancho Bernardo, California.
Lisa is the owner of Photography by Lisa K, a custom portrait studio located in Rancho Penasquitos, specializing in the highest quality portraiture. As the mother of twins, Lisa shines at capturing moments in pregnancy and early life. She shares her talents with many local charities Lisa K Miller Photography by Lisa K
Persephone Roland Hoist Stacey Penny
Bill is the CEO of Intelibiz Business Solutions, Inc. with over thirty years of experience in database programming and custom business software. Intelibiz specializes in database websites utilizing SQL Server, MS Access and ASP.Net. You can visit his company’s website at www. intelibiz.com.
Lisa K Miller
Now find us on:
Tasha Donahue Kim Vinyard
Kim has been working with flowers since she was a little girl. Floralicious, her brainchild, was born in 2008 combining her training in interior Design, Culinary Arts, and Floral Design.
Tasha is a free lance writer based in San Diego County. She wrote for a syndication of newspapers in Chicago as a regular contributor. She was a Food Editor for Arizona Living magazine in Phoenix. She was a newspaper columnist for four North County San Diego newspapers.
Robert has been a published writer for over thirty years and has been providing editing services for the past twenty-five. As a musician he has written scores of songs. His life has revolved around his music and writing, often melding the two into articles and interviews.
Barbara K. Cooper
Anne is a California native (from New England) and a San Diego business owner. A mother of three, she spent over twenty years in corporate marketing before applying her skills to teaching English, and now is rediscovering her love of writing.
Anne R. Daniells
Letters Editor to the
I just started a small business and I really didn’t know how to get started catching up with technology. Your cover story about Media4Women answered a lot of my questions. Thanks for giving women such relevant topics. Alaina from San Diego I love your “Ask Dr. Sudi” column. So many of the subjects covered have been questions that I have been too embarrassed to ask my own doctor. I love it and it is one of the first columns I read in each issue. Carmen from Escondido Reading Diane’s article about her fire loss brought back a lot of memories of our similar loss. It is true that we all need to move on. Unfortunately, we have to do so with some lost mementos, but we are grateful to have escaped without injury. Lucy from Rancho Bernardo Where can I get one of those beautiful bathing suits in your magazine. I love them, and was inspired by the designer’s story. I know she has a brilliant career ahead of her. Leigh from Vista Big Hair was hysterical. What memories it brought back. I miss my big hair. Maybe that is a trend that will come back some day. Maryann from San Marcos
I cannot explain the tears that slipped down my cheek as I read Ysabel’s story. She is such an inspiration and after reading her story I feel the strength to conquer my recent cancer diagnosis. If she could survive two bouts with cancer, so can I. Thank you San Diego Woman for bringing this type of story to your readers. Annie from Del Mar I really enjoyed the article about what to have on your website. I am redesigning my website now and I will follow the advice I found. Susan from Oceanside
Everyone will love your ceremony Check Out Weddingman.net
What is that Funny Symbol? San Diego Woman is keeping up with the latest technology. We now have our very own Quick Response, or QR code. This matrix barcode, first designed by the automotive industry, has now become the latest greatest way to allow readers to quickly gain information about our publication, by sending them directly to our website. The QR code was created in 1994 by Denso, a subsidiary of Toyota, in order to keep track of vehicles during the manufacturing process. To use a QR code you must first download a QR scanning application for your smartphone. Open the scanning app and use your phone’s camera to focus the code on your screen. The application will recognize the code and automatically open up the link, video or image in your phone's browser. You just need an Internet connection to access the content. So take a minute and focus on our QR code above and you will find yourself visiting our popular website www.sandiegowoman.com
By Barbara K. Cooper
Photos by Tracy Poy Smith
San Diegan, Rebecca Harvey, Captain, US Marine Corps, and active duty Marine Judge Advocate, did just that and married her beloved Russell Bowers at the Cliffs of Moher, Doolin Village, County Clare, Ireland, October 11, 2011. Intimacy, originality, heritage, military deployments, financial factors, a movie plot, kilts, an Irish lace wedding dress and an Irish Saint are all woven into this real life modern fairytale. On lunch break the previous June, a Justice of the Peace at the San Diego Administration Building officiated at Becca and Russ’ ‘do it now wedding’, then a quick lunch and toast to each other at a pub along the harbor. After seven years of dating throughout college and law school, then following each other across the USA on various military deployments, the couple knew they were destined for a whole lifetime together. They promised each other of their ‘real wedding’ in Ireland when time and money allowed. The ‘wedding/blessing ceremony’ date and all the guests finally arrived, as did the fog! Not to worry, on with it! Even when the piper was a ‘no show’, a bridesmaid stepped forward and sang ‘Songbird’ after being escorted down the aisle. The idea of a formal blessing came to the couple from a book by John O’Donohue, ‘To Bless The Space Between Us’ and was officiated by Russ’ cousin from Georgia who read ‘Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit, Reading 2: ee. Cummings poem, a repeat of the wedding vows and blessing. Champagne all around to toast the bride and groom! Becca’s Lilly Pulitzer lace wedding dress and vintage veil which had been worn by Russ’ Grandmother and Mother, had been delicately transported from Charlottesville, Virginia, along with her bright blue high heels. Luckily, a pair of bright blue ‘wellies’ were loaned the bride by the photographer to tread the slippery walkways around the Cliffs - a wee bit more of that ‘Luck of the Irish’ and a perfect match for that perfect dress. It all worked - the bride was beautiful, the groom was handsome, the parents were happy and tearful, it was the ‘real wedding’ that Becca & Russ had imagined and it was their day. All Irish eyes were smiling. And they lived happily ever after…
Rebecca Harvey and Russell Bowers – October 11, 2011
Destination Wedding – Ireland
Have you ever been across the sea to Ireland? To have the wedding of your dreams…..
Through a Trust you can avoid the guardianship proceeding and set up the terms of distribution to the minor or young child. Even if you have a Trust, you still need a Will. The Will you have with a Trust is called a pour-over Will and controls any assets that might be outside of your Trust at your death; the Will “pours” the assets into the Trust. It is also crucial to have an Advanced Health Care Directive to dictate who will make health care decisions for you in the event you cannot. To deal with any non-Trust assets, in the event of your incapacity, a Power of Attorney is also established in the estate planning process. In our practice, we have seen many young families go through a death and, although it is not a pleasant thing to think about, it is something you can plan for.
By Lori Bolander Bolander Law Group
YOU ARE 12 GETTING MARRIED! SO WHAT’S YOUR PLAN? Congratulations on your impending marriage! As you know, there is a lot of planning involved in a wedding. However, while dealing with venues, bakers, flowers, guest lists and bridesmaids, many couples forget the most important planning they can do – estate planning and planning for marital and nonmarital assets (premarital agreements). Planning for death or incapacity of you or your future spouse is not something that people generally like to think about, especially at such a happy time as a wedding, but it is crucial. Planning your estate at the outset of your marriage will eliminate future procrastination of the task. If you or your future spouse own property, having a Trust is essential to avoid a probate, in the event of a death, and a conservatorship, in the event of incapacity. In California, if you own property worth one hundred thousand dollars ($100,000) or more, a probate will be necessary. In 2012 that amount will be raised to $150,000. For real property, the threshold is lower: $20,000 of real property (this amount will be raised to $50,000 in 2012). It is important to note that this does not reference your equity in the property, but the fair market value. Trusts are also necessary if you have or plan to have children. Under California law, minors cannot inherit and a guardian of their estate must be appointed to receive any inheritance for them during the pendency of their minority.
Planning your marital and nonmarital assets at the outset of your marriage is also a good idea. Defining and agreeing upon what is separate and what is community property assets can avoid problems down the road in the event of death or divorce. You can also set forth what character future property will take after marriage, such as income, earnings, retirement plans and other assets. In California, separate property is defined as all assets owned or acquired before marriage and property acquired during marriage using separate property funds, gift, devise, or inheritance and property that a spouse may have earned before marriage but actually received during the marriage. All other property in California is community property. You and your spouse can discuss this in advance and make all the determinations as to how you want your current and future property to be classified. In the process of drafting a premarital or postmarital agreement, each spouse must make a full and fair disclosure of all the property and debts they have. Premarital and postmarital agreements can take time to draft because of all the information you must provide to each other and your attorneys and also because of the full and fair disclosure of assets. It is a good idea to start working on a premarital agreement at least six months before the planned marriage date. California law dictates that the premarital agreement must be presented to the other spouse seven days before the marriage date, to ensure your spouse has ample time to review the agreement and consult counsel. Bolander Law Group is an office of attorneys that specialize in trusts and estates. With significant experience advising clients about and drafting pre and post marital agreements, Bolander Law Group’s attorneys would be happy to answer any questions you may have about your estate plan or a pre or post marital agreement. Contact their office at 619 696 0667 for additional information.
A long marriage between two people is really a series of relationships. As you grow and develop as individuals, and as a couple, your relationship changes. The marriage you have at 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and beyond will likely be vastly different than the honeymoon phase of your new marriage. My marriage has weathered the seasons of change. The “spring” of marriage was the new marriage where we got to know each other as a couple and giddily began our journey as husband and wife. The “summer” of our marriage was a busy season of school, careers, our first house and meshing our changing expectations. Fall blew into our marriage with a cold wind of injuries, deaths, infertility and frustrated silences as we navigated the marital dance of connect and retreat. Frustrations mounted and tempers flared, but still we hung on – sometimes to each other, sometimes just to the marriage itself while we waited for the storm to pass and the clearing to come. Ahh, but when winter arrived, it was a feeling of coming home. After many years of marriage and weathering the winds of change came the season of comfort. No matter how stormy my life is, I know that I have the fireplace blazing at home. It is waiting for me to curl up by its warmth and feel nurtured and protected. My favorite season of marriage is a season earned by love, experience, joy and even disappointment. It is the season of winter that is my reward. I welcome it gratefully.
By Deanna Bates
Here Comes the Bride…The Groom and… The Photographer By Tasha Donahue
Besides the man standing next to her perhaps, the most important thing to every bride is the photography of her wedding day. There are myriad ways of recording the day; the digital age provides a full range of choices to preserve priceless photos and videos in style. Digital may have been around awhile but navigating the variety of digital services can be confusing so I recently decided to investigate. While it wasn’t for my wedding (now long since experienced), it was for my lifetime of photos. I have carefully kept those everexpanding photo albums to document my life but they have become too cumbersome and voluminous. Now we can create sleeker, beautifully designed books that provide an opportunity for us to tell our personal stories in a very professional manner. Time to modernize! I have always been my family’s official “Memory Keeper”. As a child I remember staring at an old sepia photo (now, unfortunately, long since lost) of my great grandfather with beard, Western attire and gun! As I stared at the eyes of a young man I had never met, I marveled at the resemblance to my own father. It was thrilling to see where I came from. As a teen I carried around an old 8mm movie camera with its large over-powerful light (that made everyone squint). That awareness in documenting my life unfolded with weddings, babies, grandchildren and travels around the world. When I received my first digital camera everything fast-forwarded. I started with on-line photo book services. First, I created an African Safari book from recent digital photos. There is a learning curve here so you must be patient. Next I tackled a more difficult idea: A birthday book for my son as he turned twenty-five, all made from non-digital photos; another learning curve. This journey continued with a two-volume set of my six months in Paris (two thousand photos!) which led to photo book gifts for a visit with my granddaughter, and trips to Ethiopia and Costa Rica. I had actually transitioned to the digital age in a way I never imagined. Now I was ready. I wanted to have my entire eight non-digital photo albums (not to be confused to photo books) copied with the highest quality scanning available commercially. I had scanned my son’s birthday photo book to my home computer. Like most home scanners, the resulting quality was marginal. In facing thousands of photos of my life I was determined to have it done with a more professional quality. That necessity led me to the many websites online for scanning services. It was an eye opening experience. There was a full range of services and, of course, the inconsistency in pricing was perplexing. For me, the three most important things were: 1.High quality scanning – I chose 600 DPI, which is the best available for quality, non commercial use. Most sites offered a choice of 300 or 600 DPI with tiered pricing. 2.Affordability – Some sites were much more economical, others a great deal more expensive: Prices initially range anywhere from ten cents per photo to almost two dollars per photo, depending on the size. 3.Finding a Local Business – Many businesses, often the cheaper priced ones, require customers to box their photos and ship them to the business. I discovered that the cheaper scanning services often send photos (not only) out of town but out of state - sometimes out
of country. Out of country? Not a chance in the galaxy that I would box up my photo treasures and allow a stranger to send these precious possessions to India or China even if it were cheaper. I needed to know where they were at all times. That demanded a local business that performed all services on their premises. All three of those requirements were met by a local San Diego business, ScanDiegoCalifornia. You can visit them at www.scandiegocalifornia.com or call 1 – 800-297-SCAN. Owner, Brett Weiss, walked me through the simple process of getting my project started. I had taken all the photos out of my first non-digital album to find that his services could have done that for a small additional charge. They would also do it for photos kept loosely in boxes. So my seven remaining albums went to him intact and untouched. My albums were ready for scanning but some of the older photos were already fading. Weiss showed me the difference between color-edited and not. At two cents extra per photo I found that a real value. I also had them rotate the photos so that the transition into a photo book website would be easier. Weiss also told me ScanDiegoCalifornia does what is called “Life Stories”, a CD slide show accompanied with your favorite music. I thought of a million applications for that idea: For brides, their family, friends, engagement parties, and wedding showers. Life stories would add a real dimension to the activities both prior and subsequent to The Big Day. Another plus was that ScanDiegoCalifornia will pick up my heavy albums and return the finished CD to me. When they returned the project they stayed (bless them) to help me upload them onto my computer which facilitated applying them to my photo book website. CDs prevent fading. ScanDiegoCalifornia offered a a variety of CDs. Normal, commercial CDs are programmed to last an average of five to fifteen years. However, Weiss offered a gold CD, not easily available to the public that will last one hundred years. OK, so call me overprotective. Some day one of my great grandchildren or their grandchildren will really appreciate that about me. They won’t moan and groan over lost photos like that of my great grandfather. After all, this project was not so much a gift for me as for the generations to follow. For safekeeping I put that gold CD in my safe deposit box at my bank. After all, in my family I am the Memory Keeper. Great grandfather would be proud. Here’s a few ideas for the bride, her family and friends: • At the engagement party, present a “Life Story” of the both the bride and groom-to-be in childhood movies and slide shows. • The bridal attendants could share a photo book at a wedding shower. • The bride could gift a photo book of her engagement, wedding activities and honeymoon to her attendants. • The bride and groom could assemble their favorite photos on a photo book website and let everyone order their favorite shots. Simply put: A photo book is a beautiful opportunity to express the commitment, the romance and fun that one wants to remember forever. Reasons for scanning for the rest of us: Fire protection • Estate Planning: Record and duplicate for all beneficiaries not only photos but tapes, 8mm reels, 35 mm slides, documents, favorite mementos, even cookbooks with heritage recipes. • Down Sizing/Spring Cleaning: I no longer want to take up space with bulky, weighty albums. • Family Milestones: Parents/Grandparents anniversaries, weddings, graduations, birthdays, family reunions, retirement, memorials. • Social Responsibility: Long before Alex Healey penned Roots I was puzzling together my genealogy. • Holidays: Not just for December holiday gatherings and gift exchanges, but Mother and Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day. (Tasha Donahue is a free lance writer based in San Diego.)
By Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Chosak, My daughter has just become engaged to a wonderful young man. She is the first of my children to get married, and I’m really excited about planning the wedding. Tina and Greg say they want to plan the wedding. I say since her father and I are paying for it, we get to decide what type of wedding to have. I’ve been to several weddings of my friends’ children, and am looking forward to reciprocating. My kids don’t want a big wedding, just family and a few close friends. I don’t want this to turn into a difficult situation, but I think my daughter and future son-in-law should respect our wishes. –Ellen
Dear Diane, Thanks for your question, one that usually gets acted on without thinking it through ahead of time. In the bloom of early love, most of us are anxious to please the other person in the name of “protecting” the relationship, and because being in love just seems to motivate that desire. As time goes on, and we feel more secure in the relationship, that desire to accommodate comes into conflict with our own need to feel considered, appreciated, and known. Some of us seem to be able to compromise for a very long time. In my experience, this usually reaches a breaking point, and the “pleaser” hits a wall and either transforms into the opposite, becoming “selfish,” “uncaring,” or simply decides to leave the relationship, mentally, emotionally, and/or physically. Every relationship requires adjustments: after all you are combining your life with another person who has needs of his/her own. If the relationship is to survive and thrive, a balance has to be struck so that each person in the relationship feels an equality of give and take. So, how can you figure out how to create and maintain equilibrium? First of all, this is not simply your responsibility. If one of you is deciding how much to compromise and there has been no discussion on the subject, you are already setting up a dynamic of inequality. The best time to have this conversation is before you live together or get married. As the relationship evolves, needs may change, new needs may emerge and your initial understanding may have to be reevaluated. The key is to keep the dialogue going, and the commitment to thoughtful negotiation intact. The first step is for each of you to express your primary needs that relate to you being a couple. The next step is to set up a process of negotiation-- not compromise! How does negotiation differ from compromise? In a compromise, at least one of you feels like you are giving something up, or “losing”. This can then set up a dynamic where that person consciously or unconsciously seeks an opportunity to gain something, or “win” next time. A cycle of trading off or giving in begins that leads into a downward spiral. In a negotiation, each of you comes away feeling you have gained something, with little or no residue of negative feelings. Here’s a simple example: Tom wants to have Chinese food for dinner, Karen wants to go to a seafood restaurant. In a compromise, one of them would say, “okay,” and feel somewhat deprived. That person would then look for a way to “win” next time, and then the other person would feel deprived, and that’s how the downward spiral starts—it becomes a competition for who can get their needs or wishes met at any given point. In a negotiation, Tom or Karen would say, “Okay, let’s have Chinese food tonight, and seafood for our next dinner out.” Or, “I’m willing to have Chinese food if you would be willing to fix the leaky faucet in
the kitchen.” They continue to negotiate until both are satisfied that there is an equal trade-off. If this process is adopted as an ongoing means of resolving differences, it will strengthen the relationship.
Dear Dr. Chosak, How much do you compromise for love? -Diane in Del Mar
Dear Ellen, Congratulations on your daughter’s engagement. You didn’t mention the ages of your daughter and future son-in-law, which is a factor in determining the best solution to your dilemma. Traditionally, marriages occurred at an earlier age than they do today, and often the “children” were not interested or capable of planning their own wedding. In more recent years, the average age of young people getting married has risen, from 18-22, to 25-30. This usually means the children are working and living on their own as emancipated adults. Too often the parents are relying on past traditions and practices for decisions on how to participate in the wedding plans. No matter what the ages of your engaged couple, the most important consideration is your present and future relationship with your daughter and future son-in-law. Parents too often get so caught up in the excitement of the event, they forget this critical factor. Even if they are young, the couple is entering into a state of adult responsibility. There is no time like now to help facilitate that transition. Even if you are paying for the wedding, you need to consider that as a gift, not a right to exert control. Some parents decide on the amount they are willing or able to spend on this event, and let their offspring choose to take the money to set up housekeeping, use it for a honeymoon, or invest it, or to have their dream wedding. If your children are living on their own and earning a living, they may want to or be willing to cover part or all of the cost of the wedding. Each of your financial situations will be a factor in making this determination. A wedding lasts a day, your relationship with your children lasts a lifetime. Your memories of this occasion will be essentially colored by how you navigate the process with your children, much less by how lavish the event, or how many of your friends attended.
Please send your questions to: Shelli@SanDiegoWoman.com
GREEK MARRIAGE OR Tragedy?
Story & Photo By Persephone Roland-Holst Of course we’ve all read about or watched movies on the woman traveling to Greece in order to find herself, take her strength back. Yup, these fun stories all end up the same: Lot’s of life changing romance and adventure. The Greek men are notorious romantics and always say the right thing, so unlike the majority of American men. Not to mention the whole foreign exotic aspect. Oh and don’t forget the wonderful accents and language barriers which allow for our own feminine color and wishful creativity to fill in the blanks. Being bombarded with all the above is an inevitable recipe for romantic idiocy.
In my case, I had just come off of an extremely disappointing relationship and found myself on the little blue and white Greek Kykladic island of Ios. Contrary to other islands I’d visited, it was such a personable little paradise where the people were humble and friendly and I felt included and so at home. Consequently, I extended my stay from one week to two. One hot, balmy evening while sitting in the small main square, a Greek bartender sat down at my table and struck up a conversation. He wasn’t handsome but had that Greek forward friendliness that rendered me an idiot. I learned his name was Sotiris and that he also shared my love of birds. The love of local wild bird life was the last straw for me. He led me up to the roof of the bar so as to experience the nightly mass congregation of Sparrows in the tall Cypress tree growing next to the building. Yup, I was sold. He was sensitive to my interests. Oh, the Greek men are good! We spent every night thereafter together. I’d hang out at his bar and go home with him to his tiny little one room studio with the rock hard bed. So rustic. So different and so very romantic. We talked a lot in broken English. It all felt right. We discussed spending the rest of our lives together. Yes, marriage. When it came time for me to leave the island, we shared all the pertinent information and vowed to make further plans. Back in California I remained excited. Plans became reality. I bought a beautiful traditional wedding dress and he told me in extensive detail about his tedious appointments with the tailor, going as far as telling me about the fabric and color of his wedding suit. And the price! Yes, he was not financially well off, so I was paying for most everything. Things at that time were very inexpensive in Greece but the cost of the things he needed seemed outrageous to me, even in American terms. Yet I still sent him the money. Why not? I was in love and wanted my first and only wedding to be just right. Sotiris promised that it would be. Mid winter, 5 months before the wedding date, I went back to Greece, the city of Athens where he and his cousin and aunts and uncles lived during the winter months. I needed to be sure that he was still the man I wanted to
marry. I’m not a city person at all so that visit was hell for me. He took me all over the place and it became apparent that he was more of a city man than the islander that I’d thought he was and I was still wearing blinders, being bowled over by the whole foreign and Greek mystique: Ya, 37 years old and still naive. I asked to see his suit for the wedding, but all I got were a bunch of reasons for it not being possible and I believed him and continued to hand over more money. I did put my foot down on the subject of living in Athens after we got married. He fought me on it but eventually agreed that our home base would be the island of Ios. So far so good..... Kind of. Back I went to California. I planned extensively but the biggest challenge was getting my parents, sisters and six or so relatives over to Ios in April and ensuring their accommodations at a time of year when most hotels were still closed for winter. Getting to the island of Ios is no small adventure either. First the long flight to Athens followed by a taxi from the airport to port where one boards a huge multi-storied ship that, at that time, took 8-9 hours with many stops before finally reaching the island. My parents and relatives were all older and, being from well off families, expected a certain level of comfort of which Ios didn’t have. The other hitch was the fact that in order to be married in a Greek church one has to have been baptized Greek orthodox, which of course I was not. I returned to the island a month and a half before the wedding in order to meet the head priest in Athens and fill out all sorts of papers and to meet with the two island priests, learn their ways and get baptized. Yes, baptized! From a huge barrel filled with cold water and olive oil poured all over me, which I was told not to wash off for a week. Quite the experience in itself. Things slowly but surely started to spin out of my control from that point on. My parents, friends, relatives all started to arrive. The hotels were completely unprepared and the list of inconvenient mishaps continued to pile up. I was quickly seeing the reality of this fiasco. My father was appalled by it all and took me aside to talk some sense into me but, true to my stubborn self, I denied all his words of warning and defied him by forging on ahead with it. On top of all that, I just felt it was too late to back out now, after everyone had travelled half way around the world for this event and all the money spent. I’d prove them all wrong - Even myself. (Ya, right.) On the day of the wedding, while walking with my father up a road laid in stone before the time of Christ, I was feeling the ancient Greek magic. History was all around us and I was thinking how right this all was...... until we got closer to the beautiful church where my husband-to-be awaited. Oh yes, reality came crashing down when first I saw this man. His much discussed expensive custom tailored suit was in fact the equivalent of a cheap jungle suit that he’d only just bought out of a cheap local island clothing store the day before for fifty dollars. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’d chosen to adorn the top of his partially bald head with a poor imitation of what one would maybe consider a toupee. I was horrified. Who was this man? Stubborn me suppressed my shock, still refusing to back down. When my father handed me over to this comical rendition of Sotiris, I basically just shut down and in a fog allowed myself to be led into the church. I can barely remember the extensive and long ceremony, only that BOTH of the priests presided and that it was all done in Greek so I didn’t understand any of it which frustrated me. But the most memorable bit of the whole fiasco was when, midway thru this intense ceremony, my oh-so-special betrothed made an exaggerated out-thrusting of his arm to expose his wrist watch, whereupon he pointedly took note of the time as if he had better things to do. I was incredulous and shocked to the point of being speechless. Out of sheer self preservation, I chose to disregard it all, to pretend all was just fine and normal. Maybe he was just nervous? None the less, the reception was alright. Not what I’d hoped for but alright. Still in self-denial, I later found myself alone with my new citified Greek husband at 3:30a.m., parked on the side of the road in a rented micro minivan making love for the first time as a married couple on our wedding night on the dirty floor of this cramped vehicle. After the unromantic and tedious deed was done, he left me on the floor while he took the slightly padded bench seat to sleep. That’s where I remained, awake, until the morning when he gained consciousness and drove us home. Four months later I had successfully run him off. He was gone and I was happy, still on my favorite little island of Ios where I remained for the next 12 years. I experienced my own baptism and marriage in Greece. Though it was a failure, it was an experience that I ultimately am glad to have had, and in my mind Sotiris wasn’t a part of it. At the end of the day, what I really gained was wisdom and the 12 wonderful years being accepted by the Greeks as one of their own on my beloved little island of Ios. I’ll forever belong to Ios as my second home. That’s priceless and made the short comical marriage all worthwhile.
While she may not realize it right now, the answer to that question could determine the success or failure of young Marissa’s marriage. At her age, neither did I. Tom and I met on a blind date….dinner at Souplantation with the mutual friend who set us up! Like Marissa, I was drawn to Tom’s many positive qualities…his athleticism, military background and eyes so blue I could swim in them. His cute, southern accent and devilish sense of humor were irresistible. But over time, it was Tom’s kind heart I grew to love. Good jobs can come and go. Good looks mostly go. And sometimes, during the tough times, it’s hard to have a sense of humor. But kind words and actions are ageless and can soften the blow of most any difficult situation. As a young woman, I had no idea the impact kindness could have on a marriage. For one thing, it’s contagious! My tendency to be picky, negative and cynical is often neutralized by Tom’s ability to be kind, even during times of conflict. Many experts extol the virtue of good communication in a marriage relationship. But communication skills are effective only when both parties approach problems with a spirit of kindness. With more than half of marriages ending in divorce, many scholars now agree the most important ingredient for a successful marriage is kindness.
Some experts contend it’s important to tell your partner everything you feel, but kindness means some things simply don’t need to be said. Marriage counselor, Daniel Wile, says there are some differences, even annoying differences, in all relationships…even the very best. “Most,” he contends, “can be quietly accepted as part of the relationship.” Enough said. We can also appreciate and acknowledge kindness from our partner. It’s not that difficult to say thank you, but so easy to forget. Not surprisingly, when I remember to thank Tom for a tender touch or doing the dishes, I’m likely to be on the receiving end of another act of kindness . Kindness begets kindness!
As it turns out, Marissa is newly engaged. She and her fiancé plan to marry this summer. Her pretty face turned radiant as she described her Prince Charming. “He’s super-smart and makes me laugh,” she effused. As Marissa detailed his impressive list of attributes….good looks, athletic build, great job…I couldn’t stop from interjecting, “He sounds wonderful, Marissa, but I’d love to know, is your fiance’ kind?”
Kindness also includes building positive experiences together. I can count on Tom (who can’t even stand sand between his toes) to cheer for me on the beach as I compete in a rough water swim. Tom, on the other hand, loves golf…on the links and on tv. I’d rather watch paint dry. But it makes Tom happy. And what do you know, watching the US Open (with Tom’s personal commentary!) is actually a fun way to spend time together on a Sunday afternoon.
Tom and I recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary at a lovely waterfront restaurant with a spectacular view of San Diego Bay. It was a perfect evening. A stunning sunset… fabulous food… even our server was a delight. In fact, when youngMarissa learned it was our anniversary, she couldn’t wait to tell us all about the love of her life.
Kindness means looking for the good in all the ordinary dealings with a partner. My Tom may not be big into rose bouquets or romantic poetry…but I never know when I’ll find my gas tank’s been topped off or the dry cleaning dropped off. He even changes the toilet paper roll! (Sorry gals…and his brothers are taken!)
Finally, kindness involves helping each other. That should go without saying, but it’s not always easy. Selfishness and pride can often keep couples from experiencing the joy of supporting one another. If you want more out of your marriage, follow singer Glen Campbell’s advice: “Try a little kindness.” You can start by taking advantage of everyday opportunities: * Say “Good morning!” * Call during the day just to say hi. * Run an errand. * Listen to your spouse and be quick with words of support and comfort. * Speak gently and respectively * Do favors. * Spend time together before going to sleep. There are so many ways…planned and unplanned…to behave kindly toward your spouse. The more you do, the closer and healthier your relationship will be.
As for Marissa, I’m excited about her upcoming nuptials. It’s going to be a magical day for the two young lovers. My prayer is together they grow to find the magic can last if only they show each other a little kindness. “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama
The Grand Tradition
Photos Courtesy of The Grand Tradition
18 There are some traditions that we all hold onto, but it took a local Home Economics teacher to create an exciting new tradition that would become part of the lives of thousands of San Diego women. Over the past 28 years Beverly McDougal has managed to become an integral part of the lives of San Diego Women and men on one of the most important days of their lives, their wedding day. While lounging on her couch at home, preparing to start dinner, Beverly had an epiphany. She had been working at Fallbrook High School as a home economics teacher. “I was teaching in the vocational foods department and as part of the curriculum, I would work with my students to help cater parties so they would have some real life experiences to take away with them when they left my class. We did receptions and parties in boys and girls clubs, or senior facilities, and an occasional wedding reception, but there was really nothing nice out there in which to host a party.” At the time her husband Earl (whom she affectionately refers to as Mac) was working in real estate and had listed a 15 acre property in Fallbrook. It was a problem property requiring special permits and a lot of time to fix the complexities of the land. After attempting to sell it, Mac decided to purchase it himself. Sitting on the property was an old farmhouse which was pretty run down. It was this house which came to mind that fateful afternoon. Why not turn it into a beautiful venue for brides in the area to celebrate their special day. When Mac got home from work Beverly excitedly shared her idea, half expecting him to protest and tell her she was crazy. To her relief, Mac thought about it and agreed that it sounded like a good idea. Thus began the legacy of The Grand Tradition. The regal name lends
itself to huge expectations of a majestic venue. When you arrive at this wondrous location it becomes apparent, the name fits. Although the concept was to revitalize the old farm house for this new venture, it soon became apparent that it would not work and before long the building was demolished and replaced with a new structure. One of their only disagreements was the opposing desires of Beverly and Mac as to what style this new building should represent. With the mansion being built in Southern California Mac believed it should be a hacienda style. On the other hand, Beverly believed the ideal design would be a Victorian Mansion. To Beverly this was the epitome of romance. The couple, who enjoyed traveling, kept finding themselves drawn to the Victorian design whenever they came upon a house of this style. In the end Beverly won and the construction of the “Beverly Mansion,” began. At the time there wasn’t much in Fallbrook, so the concept of building a huge wedding venue was scoffed at by many of their friends and business associates. There were two couples who believed in their vision and decided to join them on their journey. The six friends not only put their hearts and souls into their new venture, but long hours of hard work. “We did a lot of the work ourselves. We cut out all the railings that run along the porch by hand. We did all the scales outside the building. One of the couples had a big barn and we set up shop there. It took about a year from the time we drew our permit until we finished. We were all so determined to make this a magnificent place that all three couples worked day and night.”
Working to the bitter end, even the day that The Grand Tradition opened, Beverly was still busily hanging wallpaper. The new owners decided from day one that this wedding facility would be unique, not only in its appearance, but in its food and service. Beverly decided that the food would not be your typical banquet fare served on covered silver trays, all done exactly like the next, with the usual choice of chicken or beef, Beverly wanted her guests to feel as if they had come to her home for a meal specially prepared for her valued guests. Beverly has more than accomplished this feat. After the first few years it became evident that she and Mac were more in love with their new venture than the other two couples, so they decided to part ways. For 13 years Beverly and Mac worked together not only reaching, but exceeding their original expectations. They loved their job and found such joy in watching couples meld their lives together at their beautiful wedding venue. Former students of Beverly’s would come to The Grand Tradition for their weddings. She loved being an important part of their lives. Although Beverly and Mac loved what they were doing they soon realized that it was getting to be a lot of work and perhaps it was time for them to slow down. This was when they approached their children to see if one of them would like to take over the daily operations of The Grand Tradition. The McDougals have three children, son Don, and daughters Sherri Alford of Fallbrook, and Dianne Wartman of Roswell, New Mexico. Their eldest son Don was the likely choice for this new position. There was only one slight problem, Don was in South Dakota working a job he loved and had no plans to leave. It took a nephew’s wedding in 1996 to bring him back to Fallbrook. This gave Beverly and Mac a chance to sit down with him, show him the books and provide a first-hand view of the operation and how successful it had become. Don and his wife were tempted, after all it was pretty cold in South Dakota and being a family man, could he really say no to his aging parents? Don and his wife Pat took a day trip to Malibu where they sat on the beach and contemplated this huge life change. After a day spent in the sun discussing what they soon viewed to be the only choice, they went back to South Dakota. Don gave his company a month’s notice and he, Pat and their younger son Mark returned to Fallbrook where Don would assume the position of Vice President/ CEO, so his parents could slow down a bit. Sherri became involved as music director and sits on the board of the Grand Tradition. Beverly and Mac were in their 70’s at the time and although they loved what they were doing it was time for them to slow down and enjoy their life. Don and Pat’s oldest son Scott and his wife Desoree, who had remained in South Dakota, decided that they too would make the move to Fallbrook. And in May of 1999 they joined the rest of their family making The Grand Tradition a true family tradition.
With the entire family at the helm, the decision was made that perhaps it was time for some additions to their facility. In 2000, they decided to create a second venue. They had previously purchased the adjacent 15 acres for future expansion, and it was at this point that they decided the time was right to add another option for their couples. Along with the classic Victorian Mansion as a wedding setting, couples would now have the opportunity to get married in an idyllic outdoor setting with running waterfalls, exotic foliage and beautiful landscaping. The Arbor Terrace was soon opened and couples could now enjoy the beauty of Southern California weather while they took their vows. A stunning tented reception hall was created with colored lanterns, a fireplace and changing lightscapes. The Arbor Terrace was designed with its own Bride and Groom dressing rooms and a separate entrance and exit, allowing two weddings at the same time without either bridal party or their guests knowing that their wedding was not the only one at The Grand Tradition. Although Beverly and Mac had their son there to run the show, they stayed involved for quite awhile wanting to be sure that The Grand Tradition maintained the high level of excellence that they had created. Though there was little doubt in their mind that with Don in charge there was nothing to worry about, it still was their baby and they remained involved in a smaller capacity. Even today Beverly, who is in her mid 80s, leaves her house in the hills above their venue every morning and takes a daily walk around the grounds making a ritual stop in to say hi to her family, not only those she bore, but the numerous employees who have grown to become family to Beverly. Many of their current employees started as high school students working as servers and are now the foundation of this Grand business. Mac, having suffered a stroke a few years back is not as mobile, but still loves to stop by at every opportunity and say hi to the staff and family.
Over the years Beverly has seen couples who married at the Grand Tradition come back to plan the weddings of their children, truly making this wedding venue a family tradition. Many of these folks have even added the beloved owners to their guest list considering them part of their family and inviting them to attend the weddings of their children.
Danielle and her fiancé Andrew will be celebrating their wedding next October in Grand Style at the Grand Tradition. Thank you Beverly, Don and family for giving my daughter a memory that will last a lifetime.
The Grand Tradition does a little over 200 weddings a year. In addition to the beautiful Arbor Terrace and its outdoor beauty, the Beverly mansion overlooks a heart shaped lake and Glimmering white Gazebo where couples can take their vows before heading to their reception inside the mansion. An added addition is a horse drawn carriage which makes for a dramatic entrance delivering the bride to the Gazebo and her future husband. With all The Grand Tradition has going for it, the McDougals have decided that the beauty of their venue should be shared with the public and not just those lucky enough to be celebrating their wedding. Don adds, “Starting in the beginning of the year we are going to open the gardens to the public. A lot of people have been here for weddings and have asked if they can just come back to enjoy the beauty. We will be expanding the gardens so they can come to the gardens and enjoy lunch 7 days a week on the terrace overlooking the heart shaped lake. We also have plans to add a winery out on the Northwest corner. These things will compliment each other and will also allow us to do rehearsal dinners on site.” Truly a family affair Don’s wife Pat is responsible for much of the landscaping and also oversees the grounds. Having accomplished so much from that first brainstorm sitting on the couch of their home, Beverly has to admit that the reality of what this has become far exceeds her original dream. Beverly adds, “Really I am so blessed because we have had such a success with this and it has been such a joy to the family. It gave me the opportunity to keep my family close by and have wonderful close loving relationships with all of them. Everyone has blossomed in their jobs here. They have done so well in the business and they all have such great ideas. But most importantly they do it because they love the job and take such interest and pride in it. It is so fulfilling to help couples start memories that will last a lifetime. When I go down to a wedding at the gazebo and look over the grounds I just can’t believe where we have come from.” The Grand Tradition is such a beautiful wedding facility that truly everyone who visits it falls in love again. On a personal note, I am one of those who experienced this first hand. After visiting a number of venues my daughter
30 YEARS ON By Robert Tussey
In July Lori and I will celebrate our thirty year anniversary. The traditional gift would be pearls. The modern list says diamonds. Either way the choices leave little room for error (I say confidently). In 1981 when we began making the plans it just seemed natural for us to do it together. After all, I was a new age guy and had the chops. How hard could it be? Tuxes for the guys and dresses for the women. We already knew we liked the same colors. Flowers? No problem. Food? Come on, we all eat… If only I knew then what I know now. We were paying for the wedding and were on a tight budget. Neither of us wanted the little chapel in Vegas but hindsight would teach us that an Elvis impersonator and plastic flowers would have saved a lot of frustration. We finally decided on the Princess Louise which was docked in the shadow of the Queen Mary in San Pedro. That should have been a sign. The menu was limited but we wanted a full sit down meal so we settled on the chicken with pilaf and veggies and rolls. You’ve heard of the rubber chicken comics use? Uh huh! There’s a KFC right down the strip in Vegas (from the chapel) that would have given us warmer food and more smiles. The children (this is another group to minimize at a wedding) at our services were using the rolls as hockey pucks – between the tables. Lori agreed I would choose the band. Let’s just say that their cassette didn’t do them justice and their picture was verrrry old: The guitar player had to help the drummer off his stool between sets of music that, at best, annoyed even the staff. We had chosen the Billy Joel song ‘Just the way you are’ as ‘our song.’ I could never have imagined the depths of tonal dissonance these guys could
achieve. But the show went on and we posed for all the pictures while making an escape plan. So much of life begins in calamity. Remember your first day in kindergarten or junior high and high school? And the terror of your first prom, and dating, and first day on the job; all were beginnings that seemed to work out. Here we are 30 years on and we’ve toughed it out. The bond that made us strong continues to help us wade through all that life throws at us. And life has a good pitching arm. Seven years after our marriage on the Princess Louise – it sank! They dredged it up only to sink again. You’ve got to have a sense of humor about life and learn to laugh at yourselves. Elvis would want you to.
Wedding Bands and Why ?
By Dede Zarrabi, PAR Jewelry & Gallery over the past few years with white gold and recently rose gold has become popular. Another unique approach is to combine white and rose gold together, making for a white gold base with hints of rose tones. Diamonds, in their beautiful reflective brilliance, are the hardest of all the gemstones, lasting a lifetime, which is why they have always been the expected stone for a wedding ring. A widespread favorite cut is the round brilliant diamond set with a halo of smaller diamonds surrounding it. Sapphires are almost as hard as diamonds and come in every color. Red sapphires are referred to as rubies. You can find sapphires in the common blue tones and not so well
The significance of the wedding band began in ancient Egypt with twisted and braided natural materials growing alongside the Nile. Through the millennia, as we have evolved, so too has the makeup of the wedding band: From natural elements such as reeds, bone and leather, to iron, copper, and brass. All of which carry us finally into the realm of precious metals like silver and the variables of gold. Newly integrated are metals like tungsten and palladium. The inclusion of gemstones was simply to express wealth initially then progressed with meaning…. red stones to signify the heart and love, blue representing the endless sky, and diamonds for enduring strength.
The ring, being a circle, was the symbol of eternity for the Egyptians as well as many other ancient cultures. It has no beginning and no end, like time. It returns to itself, like life. The form of a ring is a symbol of eternity and unwavering devotion. The majority of our ancestors wore it like we do today, on the ring finger of the left hand, because of a belief that the vein of that finger directly traveled from the heart. This legend was later taken up by the Greeks who called this the ‘vena amoris’, which is Latin for ‘the vein of love’. Other superstitions include the essential point of making sure the ring is a perfect fit, for woe betides the future of the marriage if it isn’t. A ring fit too-tight might point to painful jealousy or the stifling of one by the other. Too loose, and a parting of the ways through careless acts or forgetfulness is indicated as a future danger to watch for. In the days of yore, a priest touched three consecutive fingers, saying, "In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost," and placed the ring on the last finger touched. Regardless of the history, old customs and tales, your wedding band is a steadfast emblem of everlasting love. When choosing your wedding bands you may opt for the traditional by selecting yellow gold, white gold or platinum. We’ve seen a trend
known hues of white, green, yellow, orange and even purple. Pink sapphires have become increasingly popular for engagement rings. Personalizing your wedding band allows you to incorporate the essence of yourselves into these symbols of your enduring love. With all the options available to you, such as the type of precious metal, precious stones and stone cuts, it is worthy to consider working with a Jeweler that specializes in Custom Design that can tailor fit your needs. The symbol of a bond and unity is showcased in these sacred bands, intended to last a lifetime and possibly passed down through generations. It begins with a promise in the form of an engagement ring then blooms with the creation of a one-of-a-kind wedding set, shared by the bride and the groom. Something so special should be unique unto the bearers, reflecting the love they share. We at PAR Jewelry would be honored if you allow us to provide you the service and quality you need and deserve. Call PAR Jewelry and Gallery in Rancho Bernardo at 858-485-0450 to schedule a consultation with Kam, our Master Jeweler. You can also find PAR online at www.PARJewelry.com and on FaceBook as PAR Jewelry and Gallery
Wedding Trends 2012
By Kim Vineyard
Wondering what’s new for weddings in 2012? I’ve compiled the hottest trends from all over the internet to bring you the most up to date information when organizing your wedding.
most popular month for marriages, but September is a close second. The weather starts to cool a bit, especially for a beautiful evening ceremony. Other months like August and October are also on the rise. Themes Rustic themes and vintage touches continue this year. The ultimate trend for weddings will be looking to nature and the local landscape for reception tables: Bringing the outdoors in by using branches, succulents, pebbles and moss. Beach and garden themes continue into this year. Many couples are choosing to have Eco-friendly or Green Weddings by using organic fabrics, flowers, food that has been locally sourced and environmentally friendly invitations, etc. I love this because it reduces the carbon footprint, promotes sustainable practices by vendors, and supports local business. Color Pantone Inc. is the world renowned authority on color and has set the tone for this year’s pallet for fashion, print, flowers and interiors. Tangerine Tango was declared “COLOR OF THE YEAR”. Wedding Dresses Brides all over the world are still riding the romantic wave of William & Kate’s royal wedding. Dressmakers are using plenty of lace detail on sleeves and bodices. Wedding dresses with color are making a splash this year with big name designers like Vera Wang leading the charge. Her collection hit the bridal runways of 2012 Spring Fashion Week in New York this year. I love the pale nude! Wedding Bouquets Last but not least, as a florist this is my favorite topic. Most wedding bouquets are hand-tied, where the flowers are gathered together and the stems are wrapped in wide satin ribbon. Brides wanting more glamorous bouquets choose beads, brooches, jewel pins, pearls, crystal/rhinestone picks, and monogrammed ribbon to dress up plain ribbon-wrapped stems. Discuss with your florist adding natural elements like feathers, berries, shells or starfish. If you are a spunky bride and are looking to convey your playfulness and originality, consider a design and color pallet that uses bright colors such as hot pink, tangerine, or sunny yellow. By mixing different hues a vibrant bouquet can be created which will complement your inner wild child.
Playing off of the Green/Eco theme. A green bouquet can be achieved through use of natural elements and organic form and colors that offer an airy, free-flowing look. Complimentary and contrasting foliage as well as branching can be used, giving the overall look a simple, yet elegant appearance. Having a simple, or organic bouquet will take the focus off of the flowers and allow the bride to truly take center stage as she walks down the aisle. (Back to Kate with her simple bouquet of Lily–of-the-valley and greenery.) If you’re the hopeless romantic, the soft, romantic bouquet is made up of soft colored garden flowers, such as pastel roses and other dainty flowers. This bouquet is intended to offer a delicate, dreamy look, and contribute to a soft ambiance.
Weddings are getting smaller Gone are the days of the gargantuan 300+ wedding. In light of the present economy, couples are scaling back their guest lists to closest friends and family: Therefore dropping headcounts to a more intimate 150 and under.
The best decision for a bouquet style is one that compliments your dress style, is in keeping with your wedding theme and reflects your personality.
According to a study by TheWeddingReport.com “We are seeing couples move away from formal and traditional weddings to fun, romantic, simple, casual, and unique weddings with a touch of formal and tradition,” the report said. The concentration has shifted from formal to fun.
Flowers The rose continues to be the most popular and elegant bouquet flower. Lilies, peonies, hydrangeas, tulips and orchids represent the trendier choices. Arrangements with a just-picked and looser casual look have replaced the more tightly-bound bouquet shapes of previous seasons. Just a caution, if your wedding is during one of the hotter months, talk with your florist about flower choices like hydrangea and other water loving varieties. If not properly cared for, they may wilt in the summer sun.
D.I.Y Do it yourself can help stretch a budget. It also can put your own personality stamp on your wedding. Handmade favors, home brewed beers, invitations, flowers, you name it. WARNING: Doing it yourself can also take time and end up being stressful. Be sure to plan plenty of time in advance and maybe enlist some help from a friend or family member. Weigh time and stress against cost savings.
Overall, in my humble opinion, bringing you and your fiancée’s own personality into your wedding details is the hottest trend for the coming year. Make a break from tradition, and conventional thinking to put your own personal stamp on your day. Plan early and hire knowledgeable professionals that listen and understand your vision. Most importantly, have fun, enjoy the closeness of your friends and family around you and take a moment to step back and take in all that you have done.
Fall weddings are increasing Here in San Diego our weather is amazing all year long. June is still the
Good luck in your planning and cheers to your new life together in 2012!
He Said, She
Are men really from Mars and Women from Venus, as author Dr. John Gray states in his bestselling book? Do men and women really see things that differently? If given the same question could their answers really be so different? At San Diego Woman we wanted to explore the differences between "them" and "us". Read this month's installment and find out how the sexes differ when it comes to communicating with each other. What topics would you like to see us duke it out over in upcoming issues? No topic is off limits, so write me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I can't wait to hear from you!
Fun & Personal Weddings Weddingman.net
I have to agree in part that the bride often wants to make it all about Her, but that’s because we are conditioned that way from childhood. We have spent a good part of our childhood and adolescence dreaming about finding our ‘Prince Charming,’ stepping into that extravagant white wedding gown - which makes us look and feel like a princess - having the fairy tale wedding and driving off to a life of “Happily Ever After” So can you really blame us? The wedding industry even perpetuates this myth. A current ad on TV states, “Everyone will be looking at her on your wedding day, but she will be looking at you.” As if to imply that no matter what, the bride is the center of the universe on this one special day, and if the groom is lucky, his bride will take notice of him. Is this right? No, not by a long shot, this is a special day for both bride and groom. I think the reason many brides take control of the wedding is because …they can. Men are surely excited at the prospect of marriage and their wedding day, but do they really care if the linens match the bridesmaid’s dresses or who sits next to whom at the reception? Is it important to them that their bride’s gown is tulle or lace as long as she knocks them off their feet when they see her come down the aisle? I have to admit in many cases the Mother of the Bride does feel a sense of proprietary ownership of the day and may become totally out of control. This can happen for several reasons; primarily if the Bride’s family is paying for the wedding. In this day and age this may no longer be the norm with couples opting to pay their own costs or at least aiding in the expenses to assure they have the wedding of their dreams. One of the other reasons Moms get so involved is that this is their last chance to hold on to their little girl. It is a special bonding between mother and daughter, before she moves on to her own life and her own family. This reason, to me anyway, is easier to understand and not based on a monetary motive. Mothers tend to dream and plan this day, if not openly, then in their own heads from the moment the doctor pronounces the words in the delivery room, “you have a girl.” I think most brides would be thrilled with a groom who offers full involvement in the wedding process and actually acts as if he is interested in all of the details, but let’s face it, most would rather be watching football or baseball than sitting in a linen designer’s office contemplating color schemes. For those who do care and take an active interest hats off to them, but be prepared even if they do become fully committed to making their special day as perfect as possible, this is one time, well maybe not one time, but this the first time that bride trumps groom. Honestly, it is our fairy tale so try not to bump heads over details. If she really is dead set on fuchsia centerpieces, let it go and make her happy. All men know the adage, “A happy wife, makes for a happy life” so be flexible and let her believe it is truly her day to live out her fairytale dreams.
Weddings: It’s all about the woman. Grooms have always been an ornament rolled out on ‘The Day’ carrying the knowledge that if the gala wasn’t perfect – it would be his fault… no matter how little he had to do with the planning. Most of us guys have accepted our fate and waited for the estrogen to come back to normal so the bliss of marriage could begin. Sound a bit rough? If you can get your guy to be honest with you I guarantee some version of this is true. We can do all the cake-taste-testing, wine tasting, and entrée looking you want but it’s always going to be your choice: Yet I feel a change is in the air. More and more I’m hearing that young men want a say in how the wedding goes. I recently read a letter to Dear Abby where the lady was beside herself because the man didn’t want orange (yes orange! Not peach) as the color choice for the bridal party. It was becoming a game changer for her because, after all, it was ‘her day.’ Abby set her straight: The day belongs to both of them and they should be equal partners in the choices. I’ll grant you, many men don’t have much of a clue on color coordination and the general flow of things, but they can learn. She can make it a great part of the whole process by educating him (after all, they’ve got a lot of decorating to do in the future). That being said I started asking the young adult children of my friends, most college age, what they thought. Three quarters of the guys wanted to be involved and quite a few of the young ladies thought it would make more of a bond on their special day. The mothers of these kids were not accepting the concept well. The fathers were giving me the look guys give guys when they have stepped in the wrong pool. In later conversations with the parents emotions had calmed and the consensus was (perhaps) that it was time to recognize things were changing. I think it is long overdue… with the caveat that some moms still want it all about them.
Say I Do at the Zoo By Judith A. Habert
Contribution and photos courtesy of Dani Dodge Medlin and San Diego Zoo, Global
He just popped the question and all you can think about is planning the perfect wedding. Unlike your friends and relatives, the thought of a traditional setting for that traditional wedding is just a bit too tame for you. Some may contemplate what may be least traditional, perhaps jumping out of a plane hand in hand while saying your vows, or skiing down a mountain top or maybe even an African safari. Too bizarre you may say? Perhaps, and it is often difficult to get the family to agree to such an exciting activity. Luckily, you can experience the adventure, beauty and excitement in a much safer and practical environment. San Diego Zoo and San Diego Zoo Safari Park may be the perfect location to bring the adventure to your doorstep. While researching wedding options in our town it turned out to be
my younger daughter, Jaime, who provided me with an option I had not known about. Luckily due to a hospitality class she was attending at Mesa College she had the luck of meeting Angie Kemp, CPCE who is the Director of Event Sales for San Diego Zoo Global, who provided an informational presentation to her class. I had not known the possibility of having a wedding at the San Diego Zoo or San Diego Zoo Safari Park until she attended this class. Of course, wanting to know more, I got in touch directly with Angie who was willing to share this unique wedding venue with our readers. Angie introduced me to Dani Dodge Medlin, Senior Public Relations Representative for San Diego Zoo Global and plans were made for us to receive the total Zoo wedding experience, minus the I Do’s, Groom, and guest list. A few days later Jaime, Angie, Dani and I set out for a day of fun and adventure, introducing us to the many possibilities of the Zoo. Angie, with an extensive background in event planning, has spent
over twelve years working in the event industry in hotels, associations and amusement parks. These previous positions made her well qualified in the event industry and she jumped at the opportunity to work in her current position where her responsibilities include marketing, team management, sales, and event execution for over 500 annual events planned in over 300,000 square ft of event space. We had a fun filled day starting at the San Diego Zoo and ending with a Caravan Safari, at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park, which gave us the opportunity to meet some potential four legged wedding guests including beautiful giraffes, flamingos, zebras, cheetahs, elephants and Rhinos. Unlike what many imagine when the thought of a zoo wedding is discussed, it is truly one of the most elegant choices you can have when planning your nuptials. The San Diego Zoo and San Diego Zoo Safari Park are the perfect places for unique, romantic weddings that are just a touch “wild.” Engaged couples can say “I do” overlooking a vast savanna while rhinos, giraffes, and gazelles roam in the distance or they can have their first photo as newlyweds taken on the edge of a lush, tropical lagoon filled with rare birds and exotic plants. Couples can even choose to have an elephant herd as their backdrop. They even have the option to invite a furry or feathery friend from among many animal ambassadors, such as a cheetah, for some one-of-a-kind wedding photos! Zoo and Safari Park staff helps brides and grooms create a dream wedding that comes with a lifetime of beautiful memories. An experienced event coordinator assists every step of the way from venue selection to décor possibilities and menu options. The talented executive chefs at the Zoo and Safari Park have created a wide range of menu choices with fresh, tasty selections that offer wedding guests the best of the season. There are a number of venues at the parks to choose from; gourmet food, breathtaking backdrops and amazing photographs which will truly set your wedding apart. All guests are provided free entry into the Zoo or Safari Park on the day of the event so they can come early and stay late to enjoy the facilities. Also as a special gift to the bride and groom they are given a free one year membership to the Zoo and Safari Park.
But perhaps one of the things that we at San Diego Woman Magazine love most is that by holding your wedding at the San Diego Zoo or San Diego Zoo Safari Park you can truly feel good about your choice. Not only will the beauty, professionalism and uniqueness of the Zoo and Safari Park enhance any wedding, but couples will feel better knowing that the proceeds from their event will help to save rare and endangered animals across the globe. San Diego Zoo Global is a nonprofit organization and its conservation arm, the San Diego Zoo Institute for Conservation Research, has researchers working on more than 100 conservation projects in 35 countries. It’s a perfect way to start a marriage – by giving back!
After our tour of the San Diego Zoo we jumped in our car, accompanied by Dani, and headed to the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. She provided a personalized tour of their facilities and joined us on a once in a lifetime opportunity to feed giraffes and rhinos, while getting an up-close view of these beautiful animals in their natural habitat. This was probably one of the most enjoyable things I have done since moving to San Diego 11 years ago and I must
If you have already made your wedding plans but would still like to incorporate the Zoo into the festivities, consider holding your rehearsal dinner at the Zoo. There are numerous options and it is a fun way to lead up to your special day. For more information on weddings and rehearsal dinners at The San Diego Zoo and the San Diego Zoo Safari Park visit our website on which we will have detailed event and rate information or you can visit www.sandiegozoo.org directly.
admit, I shared a special bond with a very friendly giraffe. The tour director, Lee, was wonderful in his knowledge of the animals and I came away feeling as if I had actually traveled to a foreign land for a true to life safari. Additionally, the photographer in me loved the outrageous close up shots that will soon be blown up to adorn the walls of my office. Beyond the wedding, the San Diego Zoo and San Diego Zoo Safari Park offer true excitement for couples and their wedding guests. At the Zoo, there are behind-the-scenes tours where participants can feed a rhino, giraffe, camel or even a flamingo! At the Safari Park guests can board a safari vehicle that journeys right into the huge field enclosures and hand-feed giraffes! Thrill seekers can soar down the Safari Park’s zip line, called Flightline Safari, and view the animals from a completely different vantage point. If you are looking for a venue that is unique and a wedding that will leave your guests talking about it for years, you must consider this venue.
Brides, Your recipe for Smiles and More Weddingman.net
Wedding I do's and don'ts. Story and Photo by Stephanie Sundell
2.Hire professionals! From the entertainment to the photographer these are the two people that guests will remember most. The photographer is the wedding coordinator, not to mention the one that captures all the memories and makes them last forever. Make sure you like her/him because you will be spending a year of your life with them. From initial consultation, to the completion of the wedding album. The second professional to remember is the DJ/band- these are the memories that the guests will take away with them. You have never heard of anyone saying "Wow that chicken plate at your wedding rocked" but "That band or DJ was so much fun and kept that party rockin!" The iPod on a dock does not work. I have seen entire receptions end early because it broke. Is that worth it? 3.The group shot-another good reason for a pro photog. It's is hard to command the attention of 80+ people and make them do funny stuff. This always makes it into the middle of the album as a huge photo. A must do! 4. Get an album in your photo package. Believe me you will never do it yourself. I have albums that are pre paid and the people wait a year sometimes to complete themworking, moving, babies and life gets in the way. The photographer will make you do it! Now the Don'ts 1. Hair style up dos. The little curly side bangs in the wind turn into mustaches. It is actually comical, but not on your wedding day. 2.The butterfly send off- this was maybe the saddest one. I have not seen this much lately, but last May was the last time. They paid top dollar for 150 little tri-fold packages with butterfly's inside. They were frozen in shipment. In the first place, that is wrong. Then when the guest were supposed to open them on command of the minister. Only about 7-8 flew, the others just flopped to the ground and made some children cry.
3. Ordained for a day Minister- I think it is really cool to have a friend or family member marry you. BUT don't let them forget to seat the guests. I know it seems like common sense. More times then not they always forget, and then the photographer and videographer can't get a good shot.
I have been photographing weddings for 18 years. You might call me a veteran or just plain crazy. I have seen the very best and worst of the wedding bliss. Just so it does not happen to you, I have compiled a random list of must have and do not do's. First the Do's1.Always get professional make up. Coming from a professional photographer you will have your picture taken over 1000 times. Don't skimp on this. Also have a practice run with them prior. A good idea is to do this on the engagement session day. That way you can see the make up first hand through the camera's eye. I recommend Cindyrankin.com.
4. Unity candle- the mothers have a very hard time with the tall lighters that you use to light the fireplace - you must press a button and pull a latch. They are so nervous they cannot get it going. I even saw one mom burst into tears because she thought she ruined her sonâ€™s wedding. Have them practice a lot or Sand ceremony works better, and won't burn out as soon as you turn your back. 5. Runner down the aisle on grass- this seems like a good idea at the time, but you will trip and fall. Just use flower pedals on the sides, then the photographer can put them into a few photos(check out my website and blog for more random ideas and tips at creativephotographyinc.com) Feel free to email if you have questions at email@example.com. With 18 years of experience I really have seen it all! Well I hope this helps you. The wedding will be great! Remember to have fun and don't sweat the small stuff. The marriage is more important .
So you’re taking the plunge again? By Anne R. Daniells Or maybe your fiancé has been down the aisle before. Should you worry about a repeat performance? Major life decisions can bring up many concerns. With so much to consider, knowing what might be problematic ahead of time could be a true life-decision saver.
Conflict resolution skills are needed in all relationships—at work and at home. But resolving conflict takes training and practice even if there was a long first marriage. Millie, who married a first-timer but had been married herself before, highly recommends premarital counseling. She tried it before her second marriage and wishes she had done it before the first marriage. Simply having an impartial third party reiterate your feelings and those of your fiancé without the emotions attached makes communication smoother. While they
In this day and age, second marriages are not uncommon, but the statistics for second marriages are, sadly, worse than first marriages. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (2002),
or your future husband did wrong or could have done differently is the elephant in the room that must be addressed before considering how to begin a new life with each other. As Don Henley of the Eagles so aptly puts it, “There are three sides to every story… there’s yours and there’s mine and the cold, hard truth.” Objectivity is difficult for everyone, and taking responsibility for what might have been your mistake is a huge step for your future spouse. Likewise, if your husband shows no acknowledgement of the role he may have played in the dissolution of his first marriage, it would be wise to address the topic long before history repeats itself.
15% of second marriages end after only three years, and almost 25% are dissolved within five years. This seems to be true whether the first marriage ended in divorce or in the tragic loss of a spouse. And if you’re under 25 years old, the statistics are even bleaker. Throw in the complexities of children from a prior marriage (or two) in the mix, and you may reconsider the deposits on the reception site! The fact is that marriage is a commitment that requires work, and a lot of it should be done long before committing a second time. The first and perhaps greatest consideration is personal responsibility for the past. Many people blame their ex for the failure of a first marriage. While there are probably reasons for this, taking personal responsibility for past failure is an important step in ensuring a second relationship will be successful. Understanding what you
had few initial issues of their own (no kids, no property to settle, no ex-spouses involved), her fiancé did have some concerns that originated in his own parents’ divorce. Marriage counselors can certainly be helpful, and while it may not seem necessary right now, try to assess ahead of time just how willing your new love is to having a third party step in and help. If the time comes when communication is not occurring and things are not progressing, knowing that your partner is willing to seek help can resolve issues sooner. Generally, second-timers take more time to get to know the person they are marrying. In addition, they have a better idea of what they want and, if they are honest, what they are willing to provide. Is dinner together a priority, or do you prefer popcorn and beer after a long work day? Would you rather trim trees while he makes breakfast, or are slow weekend mornings in bed more important? How will holidays change when minor children and other family are involved? No arrangement is wrong—except the one that is pre-
Once you have personal understandings clear, it is time to address finances. Prep-planning could alleviate problems before they occur. Finances can bring down the grandest of kingdoms so be willing to ask the tough questions: Are minor children and college plans considered? And for older couples, broach the subject of life and long-term health insurance now when it’s easier to get, so that one person isn’t forced into the position of caretaker without financial assistance. Are retirement and social security shared, and what tax implications result once you say “I do?” Is a prenuptial agreement a good idea? Some people simply share bills proportional to what they earn individually, and then keep the “extra” money separate. Millie, a highly talented executive office manager, stopped working when children arrived, but this had been discussed ahead of time and was planned for and expected. You’ve worked hard to get where you are and you’ve survived at least one marriage—maybe a little protection ahead of time brings financial comfort so you can get busy loving your new life.
could get to know one another. And they did live together for a couple of years which gave them a better idea of how things would work once they were wed. Statistics back up this choice, too – while cohabitation before first marriages correlate negatively with failure, living together before second marriages increases the success rate. So while it may not be for everyone, simply living together will undoubtedly force conversation about most of these important issues.
And last but not least are the issues of children from prior marriages. Tina, a local business owner, recently married someone who had two children close in age to her own. Her greatest concern was creating an integrated family and trying to co-parent when she’d been a single parent for so long. As a solution, months ahead of time, they facilitated several family events so the kids
Anne R Daniells contributed this article with the assistance of several friends who know the topic better than she does. After 24 years, she still hasn’t gotten through her first marriage!
The incredible benefits of a healthy relationship are numerous. Having someone to help raise children with is wonderful, and financial stability is a nice side reward, but Tina so beautifully added that in addition to being in love, her contentment and enjoyment of life is much higher than it was before – now that is something worth plunging into!
A PICTURE PERFECT SECOND WEDDING By Anne R. Daniells If a traditional wedding is what you want, but it’s not a first wedding for both of you, you can still have it all! Wedding plans are personal, and you truly can do it just about any way you prefer, according to Sharon Cole, an award-winning San Diego wedding planner. If this is a first marriage for one of the fiancés, then special attention needs to be given to that person. When planning the wedding, listen to the concerns of each person, and come to a comfortable compromise. Keep in mind that most second marriages are paid for by the bride and groom, so the budget has to be agreed upon in the early stages of the engagement. If a prior spouse passed away, the family is usually very supportive of the spouse who is getting remarried. However, a conversation in advance will let you know if attending the wedding will not be too emotional for them. Even though this is a happy occasion, the loss of a loved one can still be deeply felt. Sometimes, though, including everyone is exactly the right thing to do. For example, focusing on the new family can be appropriate and inclusive: "Maria Gonzalez and Dave Clark invite you to join them as they celebrate their wedding and, together with their Children, become one family." Rules of etiquette state that gifts are not mandatory for a second wedding. This is due to the fact that wedding gifts are traditionally given to help a couple set up their household. Presumably, second-time brides and grooms already have their own households. However, gifts are becoming more common for a second wedding. “Can I wear white?” is one of the most frequent questions Cole hears. Quite often, in a second marriage, that answer is “Yes!” If you have already worn white and want to have a different look for your second marriage, choose a designer dress or suit. If the ceremony is an intimate affair with family and a small selection of friends, a stylish cocktail dress works as well. Cole’s simple advice: “Wear whatever makes you feel beautiful!” Happy Planning! Sharon Cole is the winner of the Wedding Wire “Bridal Choice Award 2012” and owner of A Dream Wedding by Sharon Cole, based in San Diego. She can be found online at www.adreamweddingbysharon.com and on Facebook.
How to Put More “Happily” in “Ever After”
Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.
What can you do to make the marriage stable and satisfying? Here’s a checklist for you—to determine before the wedding: • Do you truly care about your partner’s well-being as much as your own? • Are you both committed to being honest and open with each other in a considerate manner? • Do you understand the emotional needs of your partner, and does he understand yours? • Are you both willing to determine whose needs take precedence when those needs are in conflict? • Have you worked out a plan for taking care of the responsibilities of the household that you both agree to, willingly? • Have you discussed each of your wishes about having a family: when, how many children, who will take responsibility for the major parenting, and your philosophy on child rearing? • Have you discussed your ideas and desires about how the finances will be handled? • Have you discussed how you like to spend your leisure time, and how you will negotiate the differences in your preferences? • Have you discussed what role you want your extended family to play in your life together? • Have you come to some considerable agreement on all of the above while being true to yourself without undue compromise or manipulation? The items on this checklist are the areas where the most conflict and misunderstandings occur in marriages, One of the reasons is all too often, these issues are not discussed before marriage or anytime after, until problems have built up, and each person has accumulated feelings of resentment, frustration, and discouragement. Addressing them early on can save a lot of those unwanted feelings and promote more harmony. Another reason these subjects create resentment and misunderstanding is how they are discussed, both in terms of timing and communication. Find a time to talk to each other when you are not rushed or preoccupied with other things, and both of you are willing to have a dialogue. Make sure you are communicating your sincere feelings about the issue, avoid trying to sell your point of view. The reason these particular subjects are the source of much misunderstanding is because they set the framework for the relationship, and are significant factors in a couple’s daily lives. They also carry the seeds of discussions that can easily become emotionally laden because they reflect values and practices each person has brought into the marriage. Couples often spend far too much time trying to resolve their differences by debating specifics when developing an understanding of the underlying feelings and dynamics would be more effective. Here are some guidelines for how to address these issues and how to keep them from eroding the good will and trust in your relationship:
-- When those inevitable times of conflict or disagreement arise, it is all too easy to point to your partner as the cause of the problem. Because you are human, when emotions are high, you will find, despite your best intentions, you may “get into it” by blaming the other person. The key is to not allow strong feelings to slide or disappear, because they really don’t. They just get stored underground, waiting to erupt when the next opportunity comes up. As soon as your emotions have cooled, sit down together and acknowledge what your part in the dispute was. Taking responsibility for, or owning up to your part of the problem is a significant step in building trust and safety in the relationship. In addition, when you are willing to take responsibility, it encourages your partner to do the same.
One question I hear from many contemplating this very big step: “How can I know it will last?” No one has a crystal ball or perfect formula, but there are things you can do to improve the chances that your marriage will be lasting and rewarding.
-- Brush up on basic communication skills, either from taking a course, reading a book, or talking to someone knowledgeable in this field. The essence of effective communication skills is how to listen in ways that will develop a real understanding of your partner’s needs and wishes. You will know the communication is effective when each of you feels heard and can move on to other topics. This builds trust and safety. -- Adopt a habit of being honest and open with each other, always with consideration. Good communication skills will be of great help in this area as well. When you find the right words to express what you are feeling or needing, it will be safer for each of you to address the sensitive subjects in a more honest way. If you are not feeling safe enough to speak openly, you need to discuss this with your partner. -- Take time to explore the assumptions and expectations each of you have relevant to any of these topics. You might be surprised what you learn about yourself and your mate. -- Spend time sharing the attitudes and styles you have brought into the relationship based on your previous life experiences, starting with your family of origin. Then examine those attitudes and styles with the intention of making your own choices as a new family unit by evaluating how well those previous experiences worked for you, and what you can agree on as a couple. -- Make a commitment to resolve any differences of needs or wishes
So, you’ve decided you are getting married for all the right reasons. It’s an exciting time, embarking on a new lifelong adventure.
-- Make it a practice to put the welfare of your relationship first. Once you feel you have the security of your commitment to each other, it is far too easy to turn your attention to the other relationships in your life. Pressures from family, friends and/or work can tempt you to turn your energies into accommodating those people and neglecting your partner. Always keep in mind the value and importance of your primary relationship, and avoid the trap of thinking it doesn’t need consistent feeding and watering. This doesn’t mean you neglect or ignore your other relationships, and recognize that at times, they need to be nourished also. Just don’t do it regularly at the expense of your marriage. -- Arrange time to have regular check-ins with your partner. This is an opportunity to discuss how things are going, and to catch small disconnections before they become big ones. -- Your marriage is the most significant commitment you can make. Plan time to ensure this important relationship will bring the rewards you are seeking. If you would like some suggestions for additional reading on these subjects, e-mail me at: Shelli@SanDiegoWoman.com
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Bitchin’ & Moaning
By Judith A. Habert
Wedding Bell Black and Blues I have told this story before, but since this is our MEGA BRIDAL ISSUE, I believe it is worth repeating, if only to show that those brides out there should not sweat the small stuff. Especially when you consider what is upsetting you could not be worse than this. At least I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to a bride. Read on and don’t despair, when the florist is late or it starts to drizzle on your special day, just remember this could have been your story.
It was two days before the big event. Remember it was eight long years and now the big day was less than 48 hours away. Emotions were flying; happiness, excitement, anxiety, and anticipation. Everything had gone smoothly from the day Randy had popped the question eight months earlier on Christmas Eve on our favorite little bridge in our favorite little park. The last bid celebration prior to the wedding had just occurred, the rehearsal dinner. Mom, Dad, and my brother Joe had just left to drive home several guests. Having so much left to do and being hyped up from the day’s festivities, I decided to pack for my honeymoon. It was going to be a perfect honeymoon, two weeks split between Hawaii, San Francisco, and Las Vegas. My dog Wolfgang was stretched out sound asleep in his favorite spot. I couldn’t help but wonder where he’d sleep once I had moved out. He’d spent the last twelve years comfortably positioned on a red beanbag chair at the foot of my bed. Trying to remove clothes from my dressers was a problem with Wolfy’s half Beagle, half German shepherd body cuddled up on the beanbag, which was blocking my lower dresser drawers. I’d nudged him a few times, but he was deeply engulfed in doggy dreamland. Finally out of desperation I leaned over and attempted to pull the entire beanbag chair away from the dresser so that I could continue packing. I suppose this wasn’t the smartest thing in the world to do because Wolfgang had been so sound asleep that when I leaned over to move the chair he grabbed hold of my nose and wouldn’t let go. Realizing that he was still asleep I yelled both out of pain and fright hoping to disturb his sleep, and jar him back to reality. The more I attempted to pull away, the firmer his grip became. I could feel a warm liquid dripping down my nose onto my lips. The salty taste that suddenly filled my lips caused me more panic. I was alone in the house so screaming wasn’t the answer. I poked and prodded and called out his name hoping to get him to release his grip. Finally after what seemed like hours, but in actuality were only a few moments, he awoke and immediately let go. He appeared startled at what he had done. All I could do was grab hold of my wet mutilated nose in horror and try to build up enough courage to walk into the bath-
room grab a handful of tissues to soak up the blood, and take a look in the mirror. I couldn’t stop the blood, it was pouring down my face as I raced to the phone and called Randy. I could barely get the words out. I was too upset to speak and the pain was intense. Wolfgang cowered in the corner of the bedroom while I dialed the phone and after several moments he was at my feet nuzzling and licking my leg obviously appearing almost as shaken up as I was. At that moment I hated him for what he had done and pushed him away. He went under the bed and buried his head in the shag carpeting. Randy rushed over just as Mom and Dad returned and they took me to the emergency room for X-rays and treatment. It wasn’t broken, but I had two huge cuts, one going across the top of my nose and one down the side. My nose was presently at least twice its normal size and I closely resembled Emmett Kelley. “The wedding is off,” I notified everyone. “There is no way I am getting married looking like this!” Mom and Dad and Randy understood how I felt to a degree, but were adamantly trying to get me to change my mind. No one could understand the devastation. As a little girl you dream about this day your entire life. The dream always involves a white dress and veil and a beautiful bride. All I could envision now was floppy shoes, a red wig and my huge clown nose. I slept for the next two nights with ice bags on my nose and under my eyes, because as the doctors warned, I could get black eyes from the nose injury. That’s all I would have needed. I would look like a prizefighter turned clown. If not for the fact that my folks would have lost all of their money if I canceled, and they had taken out a loan to give me the kind of wedding I wanted, I would not have gone through with it. Instead I spent the next day and a half scouring the mall trying to find some sort of makeup that would transform my hideous schnoz into something inconspicuous. After trying every makeup counter at the mall and a visit to a theatrical makeup artist I settled on a mixture of five separate bases applied to me at the Merle Norman store in the mall. Being a photographer myself, I spent about 30 minutes instructing my photographer on how to minimize my nose so that in years down the road I wouldn’t burst into tears at the sight of my wedding photos. Depression is not the word. I felt as if I was gong through with the wedding for everyone else. I just wanted to go home and hide under the covers until my nose got better. On August 20 I marched down the aisle with dad at my side telling me I looked beautiful, only somehow I knew there was an “except for your nose,” unspoken in those words. I had to smile though in spite of my depression, because for several years prior to my wedding I often wondered if dad would live long enough to give me away, especially after heart attack #7 had weakened him so greatly. This kind of brought me back to reality and allowed me to go through with the ceremony. Although I found the entire incident horrifying, even I had to laugh. When we walked out of the church and headed for our limo all of our guests bombarded us with rice, the majority of which landed on and stuck to my nose. Luckily we had a long ride to the reception hall and I spent this time picking rice off my nose. Wolfgang has since passed away, but not before I had forgiven him for my wedding fiasco. We had adopted Wolfy after he had been abused as a puppy, beaten and thrown out of a moving car, suffering three broken legs. He was up in years when he bit me and I supposed when I startled him his animal instincts took over. I can look back at my wedding pictures and smile. Believe it or not I have a photo in my album of Wolfgang with me in my wedding dress. Well, aside from his one indiscretion, he was family.
Fa b u l o u s Fi n d s
By Stephanie Sundell
How To Choose
A Honeymoon Destination By Anna Doxie
Visit my site at Creativephotographyinc.com for more information
A Boudoir photo session is not only fun for you, but he will treasure it forever. Imagine getting your hair and make-up done while your all wrapped in a big fluffy robe with music pumping through the studio, sounds like the life of a super model, right? Well you are for a day! At Creative Photography Inc we have the props and sets that work for you at
any size. You may be thinking "Well I don't look like those girls in the Victoria Secret catalog" after the hair and make up and proper clothing choices made by you and myself along with the sets, posing and retouching. You have arrived! You will look and feel your best. Remember this will be a great gift for him on the night before the wedding or wedding day. You can even incorporate your bridal veil in the photos and use all that lingerie that you got for your bridal shower. The studio does have some outfits to choose from, but it is hard for us to fit every size . It is best to bring the standard black/white bra and panties . Boy shorts work great in a lot of situations too. Don't forget shoes and stockings! The sexier the better. It is really fun to incorporate a little of what he likes into the photo. I once had a girl bring in her new BMW that he had just bought her. I have had Harley's show up, fishing poles, guns, knives, billiard sticks and balls and we rocked all of it and made it sexy, even the fishing pole! Uniforms are another thing to tie him into the session especially military. After the session we will make an appointment to have you come back in and we can discuss what you would like to do. Busy brides will often pre-pay for a package and choose the photos online in a super secret website. We have array of albums from 4x6 to 8x10 and calendars to choose from. We can even make you your own DVD slide show for him to put on the laptop while he is away. Sky is the limit in this session. Just remember to be you because that is who he feel in love with.
The best gift you can give...to him.
The world offers a limitless choice of destinations for a romantic honeymoon. So exactly where do you begin to insure that you choose a destination that is right for you? Begin asking yourselves exactly what type of experience you want to have: A romantic experience full of restful relaxation? An active adventure? A dynamic cultural experience or a combination, which may be a good compromise.
Then decide on a budget. Youâ€™ll want to make sure that you are very realistic to avoid any disappointment. You may want to experience a touch of luxury on your honeymoon. If so, and if you are on a budget, consider spending a day or two at a luxury property, and the remainder at a more moderate property. Whatever your choice of honeymoon, make sure to consider the distance away and your length of stay as factors that may influence your final decision. You can also register for a honeymoon to let friends and family contribute toward the trip. Stay away from pre-packaged honeymoon deals as they are often less flexible and not tailored to suit your choices. Consider using a Travel Agent. They take time to get to know you, give you all of your options, and suggest a reasonable itinerary. They will also let you know of any special booking incentives. And help you make sure all necessary documents are in order and stream-line the entire process. This will end up saving you time, money and stress in the long run. If managed correctly your Honeymoon will be a dream vacation that you will be talking about for years to come. For more information contact Honeymoon Specialist Anna Doxie at www.TheTravelAficionado.com or by calling her at 1-800-909-6985
Shared with us by one of our valued readers, this poem was written by her grandmother in 1931
By Grace M. Johnston (Grandmother of Nanette Frank) 1931 We once knew a rail to an old pasture gate, Where Pride, Bess and Jersey would patiently wait. The scent of the warm, clean breath of the cows, As we lowered the bars, we liked is somehow.
We’d follow them home at the close of each day, And fireflies from milkweeds, gave light to the way. Bare feet making prints, in the cool, damp dust, As we sauntered along, with childhood’s sweet trust. A katy did shrilled form his perch in a tree, Just where he was hiding, we never could see. A whippoorwill called to his mate in the field, And told of the seed, he was planning to steal. The end of this trail was the old barnyard lot, Where jimson grew high, and surrounded the plot. The faint, musky fragrance their blossoms gave out, Was wine to the moth that flitted about. Then youth knew a trail through an old wooded park, Where lovers held hands, in the still summer dark. We talked of the weather, the stars and the moon, But we thought in our hearts of a wedding some June. We dreamed many dreams that didn’t come true, But when castles tumbled, we built them anew. We knew not a care that we couldn’t erase, By the touch of some hand, or the smile of some face. Then came the trail down the village church aisle, All strewn with rose petals, our steps to beguile, The organ played softly, and someone sang, “I Love You Truly,” and then came the ring. The parson said sternly, “You are now man and wife,” And wished us the blessings of a long, happy life. We now know a trail no poet has found, In silence it carries a world of renowned. There the thirsty may drink, and the hungry be fed, The salt of the earth, on it’s surface has tread. The wisdom of nations flows out from it’s brink, This dutiful trail . . . . . . . from the stove to the sink.
Heart Musings By Chinh L. Hoang
You stepped into my gray world, Brightened it with summer skies, With spring flowers and sunshine In your warm, smiling eyes.
You listened to my silence, Filled my blue heart with laughter, With happy songs from your heart, And love, softly whispered. You put your hand in my hand When life’s long road stretched empty. Across the miles and seasons, A lost stream had reached the sea. Like wild storms in the mountains, Like gentle waves washed ashore, Like a first love from years past, I love you so—and more.
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Wedding Traditions Here and Throughout the World
In Croatia In the country of Croatia custom dictates that following the ceremony all of the wedding guests circle the well at the church three times to signify the Holy Trinity and then each guest throws an apple into the well to insure the fertility of the new couple. In Romania Marriage is so important in Romania that young girls start planning their wedding day as young as aged six, when they begin collecting the treasures to fill their wedding trousseau. In Greece Greek brides wore traditional wedding veils of yellow or red, which represented fire. These brightly colored veils were supposed to protect the bride from evil spirits and demons. In ancient Greece, diamonds were considered teardrops of the Gods, and it was believed that a diamond reflected the flames of love. A Greek bride may carry a lump of sugar on her wedding day to ensure she has a sweet life,or she might carry ivy, as a symbol of endless love. In Italy It is customary for the Italian couple getting married to walk to the wedding chapel together. The townsfolk place obstacles in the bride's path to see how she will react to domestic situations. If she picked up a broom, for example, she will keep a clean house. If they put a child in her way and she stopped to help him, she will be a good mother. It is considered bad luck for a bride to wear any gold, on the day she is married, until wedding rings are exchanged.
2.Tying tin cans to the back of the newlywed's car is good luck because the noise will frighten away evil spirits. 3.When you and your husband toast your new life together you must smash the glasses that you toast with. This way the glasses are never used for a better purpose 4.White dresses have nothing to do with virginity. In ancient times, cloth was very expensive to bleach and more than 1 bleaching was required. The whiter the cloth, the more affluent the bride's family. 5.Dressing the bridesmaids in beautiful dresses is to fool the evil spirits--so they won't know who is the bride and who is not. 6. Traditionally wedding ceremonies in North America end with the couple exchanging wedding rings – the circular ring, with no beginning and no end symbolizing ever-lasting love – and the traditional wedding kiss, to seal their union in front of friends and family. 7. As the newlyweds leave the ceremony tradition calls for rice to be tossed at the couple as a symbol of fertility.
Wedding Traditions Throughout the World Below are some wedding traditions from around the world: In Mexico It is customary during the vows for a white ribbon or for a rosary, called a “lasso,” to be draped around the necks of the newlyweds to symbolize their joining together. It is also customary for the groom to present his wife with thirteen gold coins during the ceremony, symbolizing the groom’s commitment to support his new wife. As the couple leaves the church it is customary for red beads to be tossed at them as a means of insuring the new couple good luck. In Bulgaria Just before her wedding a Bulgarian bride will toss a dish filled with wheat, coins and a raw egg over her head. If the dish breaks it signifies good luck to come. It is also a sign of future happiness if the bride and groom each step into the church with the right foot first. At the reception the bride’s mother throws flowers in the path of the newlyweds to insure their future health, happiness and purity, and the groom’s mother feeds the couple sweet honeyed cakes to insure their long and sweet marriage.
In Ireland The traditional Irish bride often wears a blue wedding dress, rather than a white dress. This is because blue symbolized purity in ancient times. It wasn’t until the year 1499 that a white wedding dress began to symbolize virginity and purity. In Germany According to German tradition, when a baby girl is born in Germany, several trees are planted in honor of her birth. When her wedding date is set, the trees are sold, and the money is used for her dowry. In Spain According to Spanish custom, a Spanish bride wore, and still might wear, a black silk wedding dress with an intricately designed black lace veil. Her groom usually wears an embroidered shirt, hand made by his future wife. In England The wedding tradition of tying shoes to the cars of newlyweds also began in England during the Tudor period. Originally, wedding reception guests threw shoes at the newlyweds as they were leaving the church for good luck. The modern tradition is to tie shoes to the honeymoon vehicle. In Portugal The happy couple exit the church, their friends and family throw flowers and candies in the same way that other cultures toss rice or wheat. Following the ceremony the couple parades through the streets, where friends, family and even complete strangers wish them happiness in their new life together. The couple then have a quiet time together, where they traditionally drink tea and eat small cakes.
And my favorite superstition and the favorite of most soon to be mothers of the bride...... For good luck and a lifetime of pleasant relations with the bride's parents, it is tradition for the groom to honor his future mother-in-law with a diamond when he presents the engagement ring to his future bride.
1. If your dress is rippped on the day before your wedding, it means that your marriage will end in death!
There are hundreds of wedding superstitions and traditions that have been followed for years, here are just a few:
In India The Mangalsutra, a sacred thread of love worn by married women as a symbol of their successful marriage is presented to the bride by her groom. It is tied by the Groom onto bride’s neck with three knots at the time of the marriage as a promise to live with his wife forever. The significance of Mangalsutra is further enhanced as it is believed that it protects the couple from evil powers and for this the wife wears it until the death of her husband.
Business Intelligence By Bill Edmett
What is Business Intelligence (or BI)? It’s more than just a buzz-word in Information Technology. Simply stated, Business Intelligence means making smart business decisions based on good data.
The very idea in itself is simple and elegant. And after all, doesn’t every business person already know it’s an essential key to success? But there are challenges related to having immediate access to reliably accurate information. And that’s what Business Intelligence is all about: It aims to support better business decisionmaking. Thus the technology has also been referred to as Decision Support Sciences (DSS). A Business Intelligence system will typically include applications (software programs) that will identify the right data, extract and analyze it for you, and then present it in a way that makes sense to you. It may be presented in the form of reports, spreadsheets, graphs, or in some form of a “digital dashboard” that displays key performance indicators that are critical to your company. Like a vehicle gas gauge helps you decide when it’s time to fill up,
Key performance indicators are different for each company and even different for each role within a company. It could include hidden costs that need to be considered when calculating profit and loss. It could be your current inventory, or bottle-necks in your supply chain. Perhaps your success depends on knowing current trends in consumer demand for your product or service; what’s hot and what’s not: Knowing what’s profitable or, causing losses by actually costing you more than you’re getting back in revenue. It’s amazing but many businesses don’t find out that they’re losing money on an item until it’s too late. The benefit of Business Intelligence is being empowered to make decisions that lead to success In 1999 Bill Gates discussed in his book, “Business @ the Speed of Thought,” how business and technology should be integrated to provide an edge on the competition. Just the title of the book implies a vision where you, as a business decision maker, with effective Information Technology can be empowered to make effective decisions based on good analysis with accurate data, and in turn gain an advantage over the competition. According to Wikipedia, BI mainly refers to computer-based techniques used in identifying, extracting, and analyzing business data such as sales revenue by products and/or departments, or by associated costs and incomes. BI technologies provide historical, current and predictive views of business operations. Common functions of Business Intelligence technologies are reporting, online analytical processing, analytics, data mining, process mining, complex event processing, business performance management, benchmarking, text mining and predictive analytics. There is a myth that Business Intelligence is only for large business: Although in the recent past, the technology was expensive and typically implemented by large businesses. But now the technology can be applied for small to medium sized business too. In fact, you can integrate low cost finance and accounting software like Peachtree or QuickBooks with low cost databases like Microsoft Access or SQL Server Express, which is free (thank you Microsoft). There is low cost software like LogMeIn.com that will enable you to log in to your company’s BI system. With the Internet, and a competent ASP.Net developer (Active Server Pages, which is a programming technology and is free from Microsoft), your business data can be made available anywhere you can get online. Because of decreasing computer costs, renting data storage space on reliable secure servers maintained by data hosting companies, a small business can definitely gain a great deal of benefit by implementing some form of Business Intelligence. And of course you can market on the Internet.
A guide for family, friends and loved ones in preparing for the effects of the growing elder population …a Public Service from “Those Who Care”
Insulin to Delay Alzheimer's Disease?
Suzanne Craft and her colleagues published the results of a pilot study indicating that "a nasal spray form of insulin, used daily for 4 months, stabilized or improved cognition, function, and cerebral glucose metabolism in adults with amnestic mild cognitive impairment (aMCI) and mild to moderate Alzheimer's disease" (Megan Brooks, Medscape Medical News, Intranasal Insulin Promising for MCI, Alzheimer's Disease). Susan Brooks, PhD, (et al), of the Veterans Affairs Puget Sound Health Care Center System, in Seattle, Washington published their findings on September, 12, 2011 in the Archives of Neurology, with some of the results disclosed in a presentation at the Alzheimer's Association International Conference on Alzheimer's Disease 2010. It is known that "insulin abnormalities contribute to the pathophysiology of Alzheimer's Disease. Insulin levels and insulin activity in the central nervous system (CNS) are reduced in Alzheimer's disease; therefore, restoring insulin to normal levels in the brain may provide therapeutic benefit in adults with Alzheimer's disease. The study included a group of 104 people divided into three equal groups: one receiving a placebo, one receiving 20 international units of aerosolized insulin a day, and one receiving 40 international units a day. Brain cells require insulin, and conditions such as diabetes and untreated high blood pressure, deplete the body of insulin, thus increasing the risks of developing or progressing Alzheimer's disease.
The results, though not conclusive at this time, were promising. The group receiving the 20 international units of insulin a day showed "improvement in delayed memory and preserved general cognition compared with placebo." (Nancy Walsh, Staff Writer, MedPage Today, Insulin Nasal Spray May Slow Alzheimer's Disease, September 12, 2011). These results will undoubtedly spur on more aggressive research in this field. And as we all know, research requires funding and support.
Alzheimer's disease, like cancer, is a social phenomenon: We all know someone, or at least have the experience of knowing someone, who knows someone who has had the disease. So when articles begin to be written suggesting a treatment that may delay the progression of Alzheimer's disease, that's big news. Today we will have a brief summary of what this discovery is all about.
Dr. Crafts found that the most effective means to get additional insulin to the brain, and not to the rest of the body (which did not need more insulin), was directly to the brain - in this case, through the nose in the form of an aerosol injection.
Several weeks ago the Home Office participated in their local Walk to End Alzheimer's. Led by team leader and Home Office Admin, Deidre Trolley, they raised over $5,000. In addition to supporting a great cause, many office staff commented on how they've been personally impacted by the cruelty of the disease.
If you would like to support or donate to your local Walk to End Alzheimer's disease, please visiting the Visiting Angels Walk to End Alzheimer's page.
San Diego Center for Childrenâ€™s recent ribbon cutting ceremony, honoring Sundiata Kata and naming the SDCC Music Center after their long standing director..
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Bridal Boot Camp Is Here! Get yourself 1 to 2 sizes smaller for your beautiful wedding dress!
By Christal Rodrigues
5. Nay Nay say no to sugar today! Sugar increases the hormone estrogen. It will make you bloated, cranky, and crave more sugar, which results in weight gain. 6. Go for a walk, and talk. It will reduce the hormone cortisol which causes belly fat when you are stressed. These six simple steps will help you succeed.
(Married 22 years, mother of 6, living fit in San Diego)
Christal is a Certified Personal trainer, Life Coach, with Get U Fit. Contact Christal at 858 449 7167 to get in shape for your special day.
1. Drink more water For example: If you weigh 150 pounds, half of that is 75. That is how many ounces you should be drinking in a day.Water helps you speed up your metabolism, drop fat, and feeds your brain so you can have your game face on. 2. Cardio If you burn 250 calories a day in cardio you will lose 1 pound of weight in a week with no diet change. 3. Never eat a carb alone A carb consists of fruit, any refined sugar or flour, and anything with grains. Marry those carbs with a vegetable, protein, or fat. ex: Cake tasting day, bring along some veggies!!! 4. Do some weight resistance exercise Three times a week will help you reduce stress, cholesterol, and diabetes.
44 Professional Gloves is the premier baseball custom glove manufacturer that believes a professional quality glove at a great price should be available to all, from weekend athletes to pro players at the games highest level. Having the ability to custom design each & every detail in a baseball glove gives the athlete a definite edge in performance not to mention how good our gloves look in any color you choose. So join the many others out there who have selected 44 Pro Gloves to be their custom made baseball glove manufacturer.
Check out 44 Pro Gloves at: www.44progloves.com or call (858) 776-9361
When Your Loved One is Facing the End of Life Helpful Therapies to Enhance Their Final Days By Stacey Penney
Caring for a loved one during their end-of-life journey is one of the most difficult experiences we go through. The course is frequently uncharted and often it seems there is little
that can be done to ease the emotional and physical pain. Support and guidance are available through a local hospice organization where innovative approaches are being used to make this a smoother journey. In addition to traditional clinical end-of-life care, LightBridge Hospice & Palliative Care patients are offered a full complement of integrative therapies as part of their individualized plan of care. Individualized Choice is the Key LightBridge includes aromatherapy as part of their integrative therapy program. They utilize a variety of pure essential oils to enhance well being with gentle massage, inhalation, compression or bathing. “Our staff and volunteers are trained in the use of a number of pure oils that are selected specifically for end-of-life concerns and are chosen by the patient or the family,” says Tauna Austin, Volunteer Manager. “Some patients are drawn to Melissa which often relieves anxiety, insomnia, or nausea, while others may respond to lavender for comfort, inner peace, and clarity.
The comfort and well being of the patient is our primary concern.” The individual selection of any particular oil is often meaningful, for example orange oil tends to be uplifting. “It’s all about taking the time to find just the right fit for the patient,” says Austin. Another therapy that has been found to be very effective, especially for patients in pain or decline, is supportive music therapy. The primary goals in the use of music are to facilitate relaxation for anxiety and pain management, to elicit memories and connections with the past, to bridge gaps of isolation, to express emotions, and experience aesthetic pleasure. Cindy Hutchinson, Director of Patient Care for LightBridge, describes one patient who was in a severely debilitated state, “she was very hard of hearing and blind and was very agitated over her inability to communicate. We brought in a harpist and he guided her to reach out her hand and strum the harp. She smiled and sang for the first time in a very long time.” Healing Touch ™ is a certified program using light or near-body touch to clear and balance the human energy system to facilitate physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. The focus of hospice care is on the patient’s comfort and well being so trained staff and volunteers at LightBridge use this technique as a compassionate connection between the caregiver and the patient. Healing Touch has been found to be of great assistance in helping a hospice patient navigate this transition. The newest program at LightBridge is pet therapy, and they recently welcomed “Petey,” an engaging Golden Retriever, to their team. In a therapeutic environment the interaction with a pet has been shown to ease pain or anxiety, decrease stress, and lower blood pressure. In particular, patients with Alzheimer’s exhibit less agitation and an improved connection with their surroundings. Including the Family LightBridge is committed to patient-centered, familyfocused support, and the use of integrative therapies is an important way this is achieved. Family members may be included in the use of aromatherapy, and are encouraged to participate in music activities. Frequently families are comforted by knowing they are able to support their loved one in ways other than traditional medication. A measure of success for this approach is that integrative therapies are funded through the LightBridge Hospice Community Foundation, in large part, by gifts from the family members of former patients. Although this is one of life’s most difficult experiences, there are ways in which you can participate and make the most of the time you have with your loved ones. For more information on integrative therapies, hospice support or to volunteer, please call 858.458.2992 or visit www.LightBridgeHospice.com
Your Partner in Caring. LightBridge Hospice provides a full complement of integrative therapies to enhance the quality of life for patients during end-of-life care, including:
A certified program using light or near-body touch to clear and balance the human energy system to facilitate physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
The use of essential oils which is directed by patient need and choice.
Music facilitates physical, cognitive, and emotional quality of life. Interaction with pets may lower blood pressure, ease pain or anxiety, and decrease agitation. What makes our integrative therapies unique: The level of training for each therapy — our staff and volunteers are trained in a wide variety of therapies. A full complement of therapies is available to the patient. Integrative therapies are funded by the LightBridge Hospice Community Foundation through private donors and families of former patients.
For more information on our Integrative Therapies, call 858.458.2992 or visit LightBridgeHospice.com. LightBridge Hospice & Palliative Care has earned The Joint Commission’s Gold Seal of Approval
Living Fit After Fifty By Carol Ann Haines Carol Ann Haines loved the outdoors and was always an active participant. Then middle age hit and suddenly she noticed the pounds coming on. Her usual routine of fad dieting and exercising suddenly wasn’t working and she was becoming less and less able to participate in the activities she loved.
Her son was working as a personal trainer and he kept trying to convince her that what she was doing, wasn’t working. “My son kept telling me I was doing it all wrong. He told me to stop all the fad diets and listen to him. I fought him on it, telling him that if I ate as much as he suggested I would gain weight. He asked me ‘So how battle fatigue, stress, is what you are doing and working for you’ and I had y fat, according to toadmit the that it wasn’t. I agreed to besity.” But, unlike our give him 6 weeks to convince ts tomefight back. Forsaying us, that what he was where we go our wasdo correct. I didfor as he said; I ate more food, healthier food, exercised regularly and m addressing the specific promised to stay off the scale. ausalSuddenly women,things author and started to happen for me.”compiled rol Ann Haines,
limits? “No, but I have learned that I can’t order a salad, a soup, a main course and a dessert, but maybe one day I will order just a salad and a main course and another time I will order just a main course and a dessert, if there is something I really want.” The key according to Carol is to get your metabolism up and functioning again. “That is what this book is all about. It isn’t about giving up the things you love; it is about re-training your body and your mind. By doing this, your metabolism will start functioning again at a higher level so if you are at a special event and everyone is eating cake, you can too. Because your body knows it will be fed again soon so it can burn it off. Even if you have a bad day, get some extra exercise the next day or eat lean the next day and don’t beat yourself up about it.”
How much exercise is necessary to make Carol’s program work? Carol admits “When I first started my son recommended five days a week. A few days of good weights, which women tend to believe they shouldn’t do since it will make them bigger, but honestly we don’t have the hormones to build big muscles like that. Toning them looks good, and it makes you look younger and stand up straighter and muscle burns more calories. So I did weights a few times a week and serious cardio a few times a week to burn fat. You don’t have to go to a gym and use the machines you can use a soup can or free weights and do it at home. I have also gotten lots of DVDs for home use. There are a lot of good ones out there. The key is variety; swim, roller blade, do a tape, take a spin class, ride a bike. Keep the boredom level down, and when you switch to something different you see a big boost in results, which is really encouraging.” Carol also admitted that besides getting your body fit there are additional benefits to exercise. “It helps with the feel good hormones, the endorphins and the serotonins, that make you feel good and give you a mental boost when you work out, so you leave the gym or spin class feeling uplifted and energized”. If you want to feel good and look good, pick up a copy today of Carol’s new book. It will allow you to learn how to stop depriving yourself, jump start your metabolism and Live Fit After Fifty. Carol’s new book is available by visiting her publisher’s site at www.bearheadpublishing.com and clicking on shop, or you can order directly by visiting Carol’s site at www.carolannhaines.com
After Fifty A Guide for the Post-Menopausal Woman
to get us looking and When Carol started eating yourhealthier fitness level, these food and eating ost out ofand thisafter wonderful before she exer48 cised she realized that what itive approach to healthy she had been doing before, After Fifty.
all the years of fad dieting and depriving herself had caused problems with her Ann Haines is a metabolism. When your body ce iswriter living in being deprived of calories, it goes intoShe a protective rn California. has mode holding onto the food married for 36 years and it gets as a survival method. o grown sons. Carol found outShe that ifhas she ate awards for her shortburn regularly her body would food is morecurrently efficiently. and a
buting writer for San Seeing how well this new diet Woman magazine. and exercise plan worked
for her, she knew this was a secret she needed to share with other women. Carol’s new book Living Fit After Fifty, does exactly this and does it exceptionally well. Living Fit after Fifty is a fast and easy read that will help guide you through the process of re-charging your metabolism and learning that you don’t need to deprive yourself to stay fit and active at any age. “I eat 6 times a day - 3 meals and 3 snacks. I have learned that I can eat anything as long as I keep in mind the calories I am taking in and exercise regularly.” Carol admits that by planning her meals there is little time left to eat the wrong foods. With a refrigerator and cupboard filled with only healthy choices, she doesn’t find herself grabbing a cookie in the by Jaime V. Habert middle of the dayPhotography anymore.
Carol Ann Haines
Does this mean that you can’t go out to eat and that dessert is off
LightBridge Hospice achieves highest national recognition for Veteran care. LightBridge Hospice & Palliative Care is the only hospice in California, and one of only 12 in the U.S. to meet stringent “We Honor Veterans” Partner Level 4 requirements in improving the care and support of Veterans. This program of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO), in collaboration with the Department of Veterans Affairs, empowers hospice professionals to meet the unique needs of ailing Veterans. In addition, LightBridge created special services and programs for Veterans that includes “No Vet Dies Alone,” an 11th hour program for patients without family and a Veteran-to-Veteran volunteer program focusing on companionship. LightBridge staff and volunteers (including Army Reservists) also conduct honor ceremonies for terminally ill retired military personnel to thank them for their service with a certificate, pin and pillow made from the uniform of the recipient’s branch of military. Craig Gillette, a 60-year-old Navy Vietnam Veteran from Jamul, is the latest honoree. “I’m really proud. You put a smile on my heart,” said Craig Gillette at the LightBridge Hospice honor ceremony, which recently took place at his house. “I never experienced this kind of reception coming home from the Vietnam War. This is my homecoming.” Congratulations from all of us at San Diego Woman. You make us so proud to be Americans!
Diego WSan oman
LightBridge Hospice staff decked out in “Red, White and Blue” to honor America and celebrate their achievement.
One Potential Future for Newspapers By Rob Weinberg
The future existence of newspapers is in question. Largely due to the internet’s growth, dozens of newspapers are now extinct. Prior to 1970, newspapers, magazines, radio and television were the only serious communications vehicles around. They all had a simple business model, where networks of paid reporters gathered information and advertisers paid to disseminate it (and their marketing message) to the public. These advertising revenues covered salaries, printing and distribution. Many publications even charged a nominal fee for their product. Then technological developments – first cable TV, then the World Wide Web - pulled the rug out from under the established order. Newspapers created web sites to lure readers from new markets, only to face increasing demands for free news. Advertisers failed to reap returns on their newspaper web site-based advertising and sought out other options. Even as revenues dwindled, investors in the old technology continued demanding the returns their investments had historically provided. Staffs and content were slashed in desperate attempts to keep everyone happy. It didn’t work. Satellite web sites simultaneously cherry-picked news geared to targeted audiences, selling their own advertising but paying, at most, a nominal fee for their site’s content. Lacking significant overhead and infrastructure costs, these smaller sites grew at the expense of the industry’s larger players. The old business model – paying for news collection, exclusive markets, charging to reach readers – was threatened. Large newspapers saw revenues dry up, with multiple options (for reader and advertiser alike) translating to a roughly 90% loss of long-term revenues for print. Markets consolidated as the internet gathered steam. Names like Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Ann Arbor News, and Rochester Times-Union began disappearing or totally shifting to digital formats. Cities formerly serviced by multiple print editions suddenly found themselves with one…or none. So much for our history lesson. Today, cost-cutters at media companies replace talented writers with inexperienced reporters. Despite such efforts, larger newspapers remain saddled with overhead that may push them into becoming subscription services where only the wealthy can follow global events. The upheaval continues unabated, as we’ve seen with the recent sale (again) of the San Diego Union Tribune. Various models are now being tested in the marketplace, each hoping to be the industry’s salvation.
• The Wall Street Journal provides access to three paragraphs, then charges for the balance of a story. • The San Diego Business Journal allows full access to a story for a week, then charges to retrieve archived pieces. • LA Times readers get unlimited access to stories. Advertisers are charged because they reach more online visitors. My vote as the industry’s winning model is Mainstreet Media. Mainstreet – publishers of nine community newspapers stretching from Ramona to La Jolla – distributes its free weekly publications to roughly 90% of households within their communities. As larger media outlets don’t provide substantial grassroots news coverage, Mainstreet’s created a niche by reporting about its readers, then selling ads to reach those same readers. They combine the old model – news dissemination and print advertising – with a web site and online ads. Not all stories appear on their web site, driving traffic to their print editions. No satellite sites are authorized to access their information. Since 2006 I’ve written a free marketing advice column for Mainstreet Media. My compensation is exposure and ego gratification, but no cash. There’s a line of people purporting to be experts in their fields wanting my space. Which suggests the newspaper industry’s future relies on publications offering access to specific readers with a tight community focus in a fractured market. Success will rely on free distribution, free content, and few paid employees. This isn‘t the kind of message larger print media players want to hear, of course, but their current model probably can’t hold out for much longer. And while it’s a far cry from the industry’s heyday, this may be the only way newspapers can actually continue to be with us long-term
Rancho Bernardo Sunrise Rotary Rancho Bernardo Sunrise Rotary meets for breakfast every Tuesday 7-8:30am at the Country Club of Rancho Bernardo, 12280 Greens East Rd. San Diego, CA 92128 (next to Rancho Bernardo Inn). The Club is involved in local community and international projects. For more information call Karen Mortimer, Membership Chairman at 858-204-2292 or email at Karen.Mortimer@yahoo.com