Malia Jacobson
Snowplow Parenting
What is it and how does it hurt kids? While so-called helicopter parents hover and micromanage, snowplow parents take protective parenting a step further by removing obstacles to their child’s “success.” Driving your children to school
when they miss the bus. Switching soccer teams after a disagreement with the coach. Polishing homework projects and admissions essays. What do these scenarios have in common? They’re examples of snowplow parenting, the increasingly common practice of removing obstacles from a child’s path. If you’ve unwittingly adopted a few of these practices, you’re not alone. Per a recent New York Times poll, up to three-quarters of parents admit to snowplow behaviors. From ensuring that a child gets his preferred teacher, locker or class schedule to navigating all classroom and playground conflicts, parents who snowplow think they’re clearing the way for achievement. In fact,
30 • SanDiegofamily.com • March 2020
snowplowing prevents children from learning how to solve problems, resolve conflict, and manage relationships, robbing them of the resourcefulness, resilience and life skills that breed maturity, independence and success. Sound familiar? Here’s how to turn your snowplow around.
Small Snowplows: ages 0–5 In younger children, snowplow parenting can be steering your child away from scenarios that are uncomfortable or stir strong feelings (think play dates and playground politics). “Research shows that children who have been overly protected from their own emotions lack a sense of agency over their own lives and are more prone to develop unfulfilling relationships in the future,” says Kamini Wood, certified life and resilience coach for girls, teens and young women. Action point: Rather than helping your little one avoid every distressing moment, encourage an “I can handle it” mindset. Consider Laurie Wright’s Mindful Mantras books for ageappropriate messages that build resilience and emotional regulation.
Skill Building: ages 6–12 The ability to stand up for oneself is important to master, especially for school-age kids. They’ll have plenty of opportunities for practice in this age range, between homework responsibilities, friend drama and sports scuffles. When snowplow parents step in to smooth over conflicts before children can resolve them independently, they unwittingly prevent kids from learning to self-advocate, says clinical psychologist and mother of four Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D. In addition, parents should avoid going out of their way to prevent natural consequences. For instance, leaving work to drop off forgotten homework so a child doesn’t experience the embarrassment, regret or frustration of missing a deadline prevents them from learning how to cope when these feelings arise. It also robs them of the motivation to not let it happen again when they know they’ll be “rescued.” Action point: To effectively walk the line between snowplow parent and strong advocate, first ask yourself whether the situation in question puts your child’s physical or emotional