Anne Malinoski and mother of three who has learned to expect behavior struggles when her husband is away. Even though her children attend counseling, their frustrations occasionally boil over in ways that civilians might not understand. “My kid is not hitting your kid because she’s mad at your kid. She’s hitting because she’s mad at life,” she says.
Big Worries
What Military Kids Want Us to Know San Diego’s military kids
have a different set of worries than their civilian peers. But they might struggle to share those concerns with outsiders. “There’s a thing called fortress mentality. Problems often stay within that fortress and you don’t go outside that fortress. For the most part, our support structure is within,” says Kim Hunt, PhD, a veteran military spouse and USD Professor and Research Associate for The Nonprofit Institute. Her research focuses on the resilience of highly mobile military children— kids who move frequently due to a parent’s military orders. While military families tend to lean on each other, it’s still possible for civilians to reach out in meaningful ways. The first step is understanding. Here’s an inside look at the challenges military kids face in our community.
Making Friends According to the Department of Defense, military kids move an average of six to nine times between Kindergarten and 12th grade. Saying goodbye to friends is hard. Making new friends—often in the middle of the school year—is even harder. “How am I supposed to fit in when these kids have been going to school with each other
since elementary school? They’ve already established a relationship with one another,” says Beth, 14, of Pacific Beach.
Gaps in Curriculum and Extracurriculars “One of the ways to fit in at school is to be very academic,” says Hunt. But if academic standards vary from state to state, a military kid could fall out of sync with his peers. When a child falls behind, self-image suffers. Too far ahead? Hello, boredom! The same goes for extracurricular activities. Sports, music or Scouting can add much-desired continuity to children’s lives. It is disappointing if chosen activities aren’t available in their new town, or if differing requirements force them to resume at a lower level.
Frequent Separations Military kids say goodbye to their parents more often than civilians realize. “Even though my dad isn’t technically deployed, he still misses a lot of games, school events and other stuff because of duty days, being underway (at-sea training) and working long hours,” says Ashlynn, 12, of central San Diego. Frequent separations disrupt the family routine. Sarah is a Navy spouse
Even the youngest military kids are concerned that loved ones could be injured or killed in action. Elevenyear-old Greyson was heartbreakingly candid about the burden he lives with. “It’s hard when your parent leaves for months at a time and you don’t know if they’ll ever come back,” he says. “Children watch the news and many understand the dangers parents may face while deployed,” says Lisa Marcolongo. Her husband Nico, a Marine Corps Veteran, experienced Post-Traumatic Stress (commonly referred to as PTSD, although most veterans contend it is not a disorder) after his second deployment to Iraq. Their son was only 3 at the time. “This isn’t simply a business trip,” she says.
The Kids Are Alright Despite the unusual stresses of military life, few kids experience severe academic or behavioral issues, and many grow to reflect positively on their upbringing. “Most highly mobile kids have a few issues integrating into a new culture, making new friends, and dealing with inconsistent curriculum, but most of them navigate them without major problems,” says Hunt. “They’re learning how to be flexible and resilient. During my research, I often hear military youth say, ‘I survived this before, I can survive it again!’”
How to Help The easiest way to help is to be a good neighbor. Introduce yourself to new cont.on p.25
22 • SanDiegofamily.com • November 2018