Parenting with Purpose
How to set healthy boundaries with
Gift-Giving Relatives It’s a common problem. On one side are well-meaning relatives— grandparents, aunties and uncles—who want to shower the kids with gifts. On the other side are parents trying to raise children who aren’t spoiled or want to keep their home free of clutter. Here’s how to let go of the stress and embrace joy this season by setting healthy gift boundaries for the whole family. Talk about it. Start by talking to
your partner and getting on the same page about how much is too much. What feels right for your family? What values are you trying to teach your kids? Parents often want to instill values they grew up with. They wonder what happened to the parents (now grandparents) who taught them to be grateful for what they have instead of wanting or expecting more. If that’s true for you, enlist the help of relatives to carry on that family value. Or, if you’re trying to live more simply than how you were raised, take time to explain why it’s important that your children learn to be content with less. Share articles about how clearing away clutter gives children more room for creativity and imagination. When you see examples of this with your children, share those stories to help relatives feel connected and inspired to believe that less really is more when it comes to making kids happy.
14 • SanDiegofamily.com • December 2023
Learn how having and doing less benefits kids in Jody’s article, “Simplify Life to Help Your Family Thrive” at www.sandiegofamily.com/ parenting/how-to-simplifyfamily-life. Expressing your wishes about gift-giving might feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re concerned about hurting feelings or not being taken seriously. Don’t let that dissuade you. The first time your child asks a relative, “What did you bring me?” you’ll wish you’d spoken up sooner. Plus, setting boundaries around gift-giving sets the precedence for honoring other boundaries, such as respecting your parenting style, limiting sweets or discouraging too much screen time. Once you’ve had one conversation about boundaries, the next will be easier.
Suggest alternatives. It’s
important to recognize that gift-giving relatives are expressing love for your children. You can help them channel that love in other ways that build strong family bonds. In the best-selling book The Five Love Languages of Children, counselor Gary Chapman and psychiatrist Ross Campbell identify ways children (all people) speak and understand emotional
Jody Lee Cates love. Yes, gifts made the list, but Chapman and Campbell advise parents to share other ways kids feel loved. Encourage ideas like cuddling while watching a movie, telling children what makes them special, spending one-onone time together, teaching a new skill or sharing a common interest. These are acts of love that encourage presence, not presents.
Guide the givers. Not knowing
what to buy a grandchild or beloved niece or nephew can be just as frustrating and disappointing to the relative as it is to children. Feelings are hurt when well-meaning relatives ask children how they liked their gift and receive an honest answer (kids can’t help it!). Eliminate this dilemma by communicating clearly what will bring smiles to everyone.
Suggested gift-giving guidelines: • Ask for experience gifts such as zoo tickets or a children’s museum membership. • Limit the number of gifts. • Ask that some gifts stay with relatives for when the kids visit. • Ask for books instead of toys. • Share a list of items kids need or love. • Ask if they’d like to gift dance classes or summer camp.
