weight of the world
Journalist EMMA FOWLE recalls how her father’s drug addiction and affair tore her family apart and how, over time, God pieced them back together
by Emily Bright
‘Powerlifting dominated our family life,’ journalist Emma Fowle remembers of her childhood. ‘It dictated when and where we went on holiday, what we ate, everything.’
Emma’s father, Arthur White, was a champion powerlifter from the East End of London whose single-mindedness exacted a high price.
‘I adored my dad,’ says Emma. ‘He was my hero. I loved that he was a weightlifter. But the toll began to show.’
What happened next is revealed in Emma’s memoir, All the Times You Were Not There
‘My dad began to dabble in steroids,’ she tells me. ‘My mum, Jacqui, knew that he’d taken them to speed up an injury repair, but she had no idea that he’d been using them regularly, and that he’d started taking amphetamines. His drug-taking snowballed into a full-blown cocaine addiction.’
And in 1990, when Emma was 13, her parents’ marriage ‘imploded’ after her dad confessed to an affair.
‘Around fireworks night,’ she remembers, ‘he told me he was having an affair, but said that it was over and that he was staying.
‘Not long after, we were getting ready to move house. My dad had convinced my mum to downsize, because his business wasn’t doing well. In reality, he was wasting a lot of money on drugs and another woman.’
Returning home from school one day, Emma noticed that her dad hadn’t come back from work. It transpired that Arthur had abandoned his family, taking with him the £35,000 raised from downsizing. He
fled to South Africa with his girlfriend. But he later moved back to the UK, buying a flat by forging Jacqui’s signature on the mortgage agreement.
As her family fell apart, Emma relied on her faith to see her through. A few weeks before her dad left, during her church youth group’s weekend away, Emma had become a Christian.
When he’d leave, I would be heartbroken
‘In some ways,’ Emma says, ‘God came into my life at the perfect time. He knew what a mess my dad would make and gave me the safety net of faith.’
But applying her newfound beliefs was tough.
‘My faith and my church held me steady, but I struggled when my dad ricocheted in and out of the front door,’ she explains. ‘I remember walking in from school one day and he was just there.
‘And I was like: “What is going on? You haven’t been here for months and now you are.” When I got angry, he would get angry and we’d shout at each other.
‘When he’d leave, I would be heartbroken all over again, thinking it was my fault, which of course it wasn’t. It was very confusing and heartbreaking. But God was always the thing I fell back on.’
And during that time, she experienced, in her words, ‘real God grace’. It helped
Interview
Emma Fowle
From page 5
her to cope and Emma embraced her church community while receiving particular support from her youth leaders. However, her mum, a non-Christian at the time, was reluctant to attend.
‘She was holding so much hurt inside,’ explains Emma. ‘She knew that if she walked into a place of worship that she might fall apart. And when she did, that’s exactly what happened.’
But the church provided a place of healing.
‘The women there showed my mum what Jesus’ love was like. Dinners turned up on our doorstep and unprompted money came through when we needed it. The congregation was so solid and consistent in their love for us.’
Reading the Bible also helped to strengthen the family. ‘Its verses anchored us when everything else seemed out of control,’ Emma says.
As life went on, the family continued to navigate Arthur’s erratic behaviour.
‘My Dad came and went with alarming regularity,’ Emma remembers. ‘He also tried to take his own life on a couple of occasions.
‘Once when he was in Tenerife, he waded into the sea to end it all. But then someone came along and pointed him towards a gym – somewhere that was safe – and then disappeared from sight. My dad is convinced that they were an angel.’
Back in the East End, exhausted of trying to fix her marriage, Jacqui surrendered it to God. Then one day, Arthur called Emma, inviting her on one of his delivery runs for a fruit and veg market.
‘I don’t even know why I said yes,’ she admits. ‘But on the drive, he told me that he’d begun counselling. My spirit recognised that something had changed in him.
The bank wrote to my parents asking for £50,000
‘Iwas
all in and forgave my dad. But there was a lot of restoration that needed to happen before my mum could trust him again and we could put our family back together.’
Arthur became a Christian and it transformed his life.
‘In the Bible, God talks about taking out our heart of stone and replacing it with a heart of flesh,’ explains Emma. ‘That’s what happened to my dad. You could not imagine the man he was before.’
Over the next six months, Emma’s parents reconciled and her dad moved home. He decided to give up his job as a debt collector.
‘It had been a toxic environment,’ Emma explains, ‘with a lot of drugs. He was working with a gun and a knife, extracting money from people by force.
‘When he became a Christian, he got rid of the arms, but people thought he’d gone crazy because he was telling them about Jesus. For a while, they were more scared of him than ever.’
Arthur went on to secure a construction job through a businessman at church, and the family fought their way out of the debt accrued by his addiction.
Then it emerged that the flat that Arthur bought for his former girlfriend was repossessed and auctioned off at a loss.
‘My dad had left the woman living in there and had not heard from her for years,’ says Emma. ‘She’d stopped paying the mortgage and the bank wrote to my parents asking for £50,000, which would have pushed us over the edge. My dad went to court and shared his testimony.’
The family prayed before their court hearing, and – incredibly – the bank agreed to let Emma’s parents pay £5,000 instead of £50,000.
She recalls: ‘It felt like the Bible verse, where God says: “Whatever the locusts have taken, I will restore.” He enabled my parents to start again financially.’
Today, Emma says that God has ‘beautifully reconciled’ her family. But she admits that she carried wounds from her
Arthur is baptised in 1993
Arthur wins his second world powerlifting title in 1992
teenage years into adulthood.
‘After my husband Dave and I got married, we moved from London to Cornwall. Subconsciously, I assumed that if my parents’ marriage couldn’t survive unscathed, then mine wouldn’t either.
‘I started checking Dave’s phone, and I would say things such as: “When you have an affair, we can make it work.” Quite reasonably, he was disturbed by that.’
Emma decided to meet with a Christian counsellor, who helped her to unpack her past and move forward.
Looking back on her story, Emma admits that ‘not everybody’s ends up the same way. But however it had ended, I knew that God was there with me in it.’
And she believes that her dad’s testimony shows that ‘God can reach people – even in the worst of circumstances.
‘It shows the depths from which God will continue to chase after us,’ she says, ‘even when we’re running away from him. When we cry out to God, he’s always there.’
l All the Times You Were Not There is published by SPCK
Arthur, Nanny White, and Jacqui celebrate Emma’s graduation
Arthur and Emma on her wedding day in 2002
‘Marriage isn’t boring it’s an adventure’
SHARA GRYLLS reveals the marital advice she received from famous friends and explains why faith is an important part of her relationship with her husband Bear
Interview by Claire Brine
Bear and Shara Grylls
Put the loo seat down. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt any important moments. Be best friends. Learn to compromise. Such golden nuggets of wisdom can be found in the new edition of Never Stop Holding Hands, a book of advice for married couples, compiled by Shara Grylls.
‘To hold hands with your husband or wife is such a simple way of connecting with them,’ says Shara, who married adventurer Bear Grylls in 2000, and begins our interview by reflecting on the book’s title. ‘So much in life we are told: “Don’t do this” and “don’t do that.” But holding hands is something that married couples can do really easily. I think it’s powerful, without even having to say anything.’
The idea for the book, Shara explains, was conceived more than 26 years ago, when she and Bear asked their wedding guests to give them a piece of advice to help them build a strong future together. After collecting ‘masses of brilliant, fun and useful goodies’, Shara put together the first copy of Marriage Matters –published in 2003 – to encourage other couples in their pursuit of wedded bliss.
Last year, as she and Bear celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, she felt that the book – which was retitled Never Stop Holding Hands in 2012 – could do with an update.
pretty sharpish. It was fascinating getting an insight into their marriages.’
Flicking through the pages, I can see that the book contains advice that’s humorous – ‘Help with the ironing, even if you make a mess of it’ – and helpful –‘Keep a short account of wrongs’.
I also spot some sound advice from a number of well-known faces. Culinary couple Gordon and Tana Ramsay advise that ‘communication is key’ for a marriage to be successful, while comedian Miranda Hart points out that ‘joy and laughter are the greatest connectors’. Hollywood actor Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila, a model and designer, urge couples to ‘remain a fan of each other’.
Couples need to remember to be kind
‘The book includes people from all over,’ says Shara. ‘I think the advice by my mother is key: “A good marriage requires constant generosity.” And I also like my mother-in-law’s input: “Encourage. Encourage. Encourage.” It’s so important to back one another up when you’re married.
long time, it’s easy to take one another for granted – but couples need to remember to be kind.’
As well as sharing marital advice that she’s picked up over the years, Shara writes in the book of her own experience of marriage, referring to it as an ‘adventure’. She describes Bear as ‘the most encouraging and supportive person there is’, explaining that she feels ‘so loved’ by him.
‘But I don’t want to come across as though we have the perfect marriage,’ she tells me. ‘And I don’t want to sound preachy, as if I’m saying to couples: “This is how you should do things” or “you should never give up on your marriage.” I know that being together as partners doesn’t always work out.
‘Marriage can be tough. Things come up which are tricky. But I’d also say that marriage is not boring – and that’s because of the ups and downs. I think that the longer you are married, the more adventurous it becomes.’
Shara met Bear in 1998, just two months before he set off to climb Mount Everest. The couple were in their early 20s – and Shara felt early on that he was good marriage material.
‘I’d never met anybody like him,’ she says. ‘Bear was so much fun. He was incredibly loyal. He had drive. He was responsible and looked after people. Life would never be dull with him. I had a real In the
‘So I went through my address book, selected a cross-section of friends and emailed them, asking for their help,’ she says. ‘And most people got back to me
‘Other bits of advice are very sweet, such as: “Just once, watch the sun rise together”, but I think that a good marriage is much more about being there for the other person. Sometimes, particularly if you’ve been married for a
Shara
From page 9
sense of security in our relationship. And I just knew that our life together would be good.’
One of the couple’s biggest joys was becoming parents to their three sons: Jesse, Marmaduke and Huckleberry. They also celebrated the progression of Bear’s career in television, which allowed the family to travel to exciting places. But a lot of the time, Shara explains, she and Bear have just enjoyed being in each other’s company.
‘We walk a lot together, which I love, because we’re chatting, taking exercise and are outdoors,’ she says. ‘We also read a lot, watch telly, watch a lot of sport
and play tennis together. I don’t do the adventurous things that Bear does, like jumping out of planes, but our relationship works because we have fun together, communicate about everything and share the same values. We just get on.’
You have to reassure one another
But what about when it’s tough? I ask Shara how the couple have fared during challenging times in their marriage.
‘Both our fathers died when we’d only been married a year,’ she says. ‘Bear
and I were just 26 and our fathers died within two months of one another. That was a really hard time for us. And it was also difficult in the early years of our marriage because Bear’s work was quite inconsistent back then. We didn’t really know what he was going to be doing.
‘But in the hard times of a marriage, I think you just have to reassure one another, chat things through, show trust and find your way. For us, the tough times worked themselves out in the end.’
What also helped the couple was knowing that they had promised to stick together – through thick and thin – ‘till death do us part’. They were equally and deeply committed to their relationship.
‘I think marriage is so important in bringing couples stability,’ Shara says. ‘People are so flaky nowadays. It’s easy to get out of things and to give up. But being married means you’re making a commitment, and if you have kids, it gives them a sense of security. I love the saying: “Commitment is the thing you said you’d do long after the mood you said it in has left.”
‘I also think marriage helps to make couples less selfish, because you’re having to think of somebody else and not just yourself all the time.’
As well as sharing marital advice from her family and friends, Shara includes in her book passages from literature, wise words of philosophers and verses from the Bible, hoping that they will give couples yet another perspective on how to strengthen their bond. Romans 12:18 suggests: ‘If it is
In ‘Bear Grylls – Wild Reckoning’, Bear encourages people in relationship conflict to spend time in nature
Shara says that holding hands is a powerful way of showing love
Humorous advice includes: ‘Help with the ironing, even if you make a mess of it’
possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’
‘There’s so much about relationships in the Bible,’ says Shara. ‘And faith is a big part of life for Bear and me – it means a lot to us. That’s why I wanted to include those references. I think they give the book gravitas.
‘I was brought up as a Christian, but I’m probably not quite as overt in expressing my faith as Bear. He’s much more charismatic than me.’
Last year, Bear released a book about the life of Jesus entitled The Greatest Story Ever Told: An Eyewitness Account, narrated from the point of view of those closest to him. Shara tells me why Bear wanted to write it.
‘In the world today, it’s so easy to be scared about what people think, but Bear just reached a point of wanting to get the story of Jesus out there, saying: “This is really important. The world needs to hear this.”’
As Shara and I are talking, Bear – who has been in the background, listening to part of our conversation – jumps onto the call to add: ‘I wrote the book because I get asked about my faith all day, every day – much more than any of the TV shows I’ve done.’
And he’s done a lot, including the BBC series Bear Grylls – Wild Reckoning, which is currently available on iPlayer. Does he mind being asked about his faith, I ask while he’s still on the line.
‘No – I never think I’ve articulated myself very well, but I try to be honest and do my best.’
Every night, when the couple go to bed, Shara and Bear take time to thank God for the day that’s passed and pray about tomorrow.
pray using words from the Bible: that we are clothed in the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth and the shoes of peace. He’ll also pray for our family’s protection, and we say thank you to Jesus for everything he does for us. If we have any worries, we will pray about those too.’
As well as praying together, Shara and Bear enjoy attending church with their family whenever they can. I ask if Bear’s fame ever makes worshipping difficult.
‘We have a really sweet church that we go to near our home in Wiltshire,’ Shara says. ‘And no one bats an eyelid that Bear is there. If he’s gone to another church to do a talk, sometimes people want to chat with him afterwards, but generally he’s not hassled.
In church I’m reaffirming my faith
‘We went to church with our eldest son and Bear’s mother the other day, and it was great. I do the flowers at our church. I think fame is a funny thing, because you can use it to draw attention to yourself, or you can be low-key and people will leave you alone. Going to church with Bear is fine.’
Church is also a place where Shara finds the opportunity to pause, reflect on her life and connect with God.
‘In church I’m learning and reaffirming my faith,’ she says. ‘And that’s important because sometimes the busyness of life pulls you in so many different directions. Going to church helps me to centre myself again. Listening to a compelling sermon
As our conversation returns to the Bible, Shara reveals the words of Jesus which have always carried special meaning for her and Bear in their marriage.
‘In Matthew 28:20, Jesus says: “I will be with you always, to the end of the age,”’ says Shara. ‘That’s engraved on my wedding ring. It reminds Bear and me of Jesus’ presence, but the words also reflect the commitment that we made to each other.’
Our phone call is drawing to a close, but before Shara disappears to spend the rest of the day with Bear and two of their sons, I ask her to share with me her hopes for the future and the years of marriage that lie ahead.
‘I want us to keep going, keep spending time together and keep having fun,’ she says. ‘Marriage is about taking everything day by day.’
‘And the little things are the big things,’ chips in Bear for a final time.
Shara agrees with him: ‘You don’t always have to make grand gestures of love. The small kindnesses and always thinking of each other are the things that count.’
l Never Stop Holding Hands is published by Hodder Faith
The War Cry invites readers to send in requests for prayer, including the first names of individuals and details of their circumstances, for publication. Send your Prayerlink requests to warcry@ salvationarmy.org.uk or to War Cry, 1 Champion Park, London SE5 8FJ. Mark your correspondence ‘Confidential’.
Becoming a Christian
There is no set formula to becoming a Christian, but many people have found saying this prayer to be a helpful first step to a relationship with God
Lord Jesus Christ,
I know that I have done things in my life that are wrong and I’m sorry.
Thank you that I can ask you for forgiveness because of the sacrifice you made when you died on the cross.
Please forgive me and help me to live a better life in the future as I learn how to love you and follow your way of living.
Thank you, Lord Jesus.
Nigel Bovey gives chapter and verse on each book of the Scriptures
Galatians
Having visited the region during his first evangelistic tour (see Acts chapters 13 and 14), the apostle Paul wrote this circular letter to congregations in Galatia, in modernday Turkey.
He writes it because some believers are ‘turning to a different gospel’ (1:6 New International Version). Some Galatian church leaders are insisting that non-Jewish converts follow the Law, which God had given to the Jewish people centuries earlier, to the extent of being circumcised as a mark of their newfound faith in Jesus Christ.
Paul reminds them that he was a traditional Jew who, having encountered Jesus, had become a Christian (1:14–16). Essentially, his argument is about salvation. Are we saved by doing good works, he asked, by being religious or by faith in Jesus Christ?
Paul frequently uses the word ‘justified’. Theologically, it means to be made right with God.
Paul is clear: a person ‘is not justified by the works of the Law, but by faith in Jesus Christ’, because ‘by the works of the Law no one will be justified’ (2:16).
To support his argument, Paul quotes the Jewish Scriptures.
He highlights the founding father of Judaism, Abraham, who, although circumcised, did not live under the regime of the Law but by faith, and yet was considered righteous by God. Paul refers to the teaching of an Old Testament prophet that ‘the righteous will live by faith’ (3:11). He cites the Law itself: ‘Cursed is anyone who does not uphold the words of this Law by carrying them out’ (see Deuteronomy 27:26).
Because the Law can only condemn and not cure, Paul argues, salvation is not a legal process; it is a spiritual transaction.
If you’ve prayed this prayer, scan the QR code or contact us using the coupon on this page
Paul goes on to explain that God sends his Spirit into our hearts and we become his children (4:4–7). Such a relationship brings freedom. The law that counts is the rule of love (5:6). The letter explains that the presence of God’s Spirit within a Christian is the dynamic that empowers them to fulfil the intention of the Law. Because God releases the fruit of his holy nature within them, they are able to resist the temptations of their sinful nature (chapter 5).
Ultimately, what counts is not whether a person has gone through a religious ritual, but whether they are a new creation – one of God’s reborn children – through putting their faith in Christ (6:15).
Or email your name and postal address to
To receive basic reading about Christianity and information about The Salvation Army, complete this coupon and send it to
War Cry 1 Champion Park London SE5 8FJ
