From Fear to Fearless Denise Gray from Kāpiti Corps shares her journey of finding God, who was there the whole time. I grew up on the Kāpiti Coast. I am a twin, born in the middle of a bunch of children. I have three brothers and four sisters. My mum and dad have always been godly people. Dad used to help teach Sunday school and my mum is a very dedicated Salvation Army soldier. As I got older, I felt like I was always in and out of my faith. I would come and join my parents at church at various stages during my adult life, but I let life get in the way. I stopped coming to church and I stopped listening to the voice of God. Six years ago, I found myself in a very dark place. I had no spiritual life due to my many sins. I was following the wrong crowd because it was easier to fit in. I could not obey God even if I wanted to. I’d made all sorts of terrible decisions and I’d hurt people.
Times of disquiet I went to bed one night, and I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t sleep; suddenly I felt like I was dying. I was absolutely petrified. I was shaking and nauseous. It wasn’t until the next morning when I explained what had happened to me that my mum said, ‘I think you have had a panic attack’. Something in me had changed. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I had these suicidal thoughts in my head, and it was scary. Leading up to this so many people I loved had died. My father died in 2007, which devasted me. I also lost my mother- and father-in-law and a couple of close friends. I wanted to know where they had gone, and I had this strong fear of death. I went to the doctor and he said that I was experiencing anxiety and having panic attacks. He told me to go to the beach and to let go of all my emotions. I did that. I walked into the water up to my waist and I screamed. I let it all go. My mum moved in to support me. All I could do was sit on the couch and cry. It’s such a strong thing when 18
November 2023
you are in it. Mum took me for walks. She told me to go outside, and I created a pebble garden. I spent hours in the sun talking to Jesus. I asked: ‘Where are you?’, ‘Why is this happening to me?’ and I begged him to make me feel better. I went back to my doctor and he prescribed medication which started to work immediately. I felt so much better. It was an awful time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Finding light in dark places My breakdown was the start of me finding God; I knew I needed him and that I had to find him. I visited a couple of churches. I was sure I was going to find God there, that I would hear from him, but I didn’t. I began to feel lost and hopeless. The people in these churches were lovely but they weren’t the right churches for me. God knew where I was supposed to be. I had no intention of going to church that Easter Sunday. My mum had been going to The Salvation Army Kāpiti Corps for many years and encouraged me to go. I always found a reason to say no. On the Saturday night I was lying in bed and I thought, I should really go to church to please Mum. When I woke up on the Sunday morning, I told Mum that I was coming but I really didn’t want to go.
My breakdown was the start of me finding God; I knew I needed him and that I had to find him. I walked in with my head down, I didn’t want to be seen, I didn’t want to be spoken to. I was there for Mum, that was all. I was looking at my watch to check the time. Then the guest speaker Commissioner Andy Westrupp started talking. He shared the parable of the lost sheep. He had a lovely voice. I closed my eyes
