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monday 25th february 2013

E I L N A T S 1938

E I L N A T S 1938

week 2013

victoria university of wellington student magazine

vol 76 issue 00

the team Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy Designer: Laura Burns News Editor: Chris McIntyre Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney Chief Reporter: Phillipa Webb News Interns: Sophie Boot & Alex Lewin Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Sharon Lam Theatre Editor: Diana Russell Music Editor: Philip McSweeney Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-Editor: Nick Fargher Web Editor: Laetitia Laubscher Distrubition Specialist: Joanna Judge

Contributors Hayley Adams, Caitlin Attenburrow, Hilary Beattie, Penny Gault, Russ Kale, Cam Price, Sofia Roberts, Carlo Salizzo, Doc Watson, Emily Watson, VUWSA Executive Contributor of the Week: "Hilary" "Beattie"

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: Website: Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook:

Advertising Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email:

About us Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, the Pope or Beyonce, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

Other Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic Students. $55 for everyone else. Please send and email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to this issue is dedicated to:

FIRST YEARS (even if everyone else is rude, we still love you)

“ there’s nothing charming about hills. Wellingtonians have talked themselves into thinking that there is.

I don't get it. "

— Absolutely, Positively Wellington?, p. 20.

E I L N A T S 1938

weekly content 4. 5. 6. 10.

Editorial Top 10 News Campus Digest

orientation info 12. 26. 27.

features 17. 18. 19. 20.



Don't Panic Surviving The Halls Case For Home Absolutely Positively Wellington? How to Throw Parties & Alienate People Oppose Gangnam Style

28. 30. 31. 32. 34. 36. 38. 42.

Map Orientation Fortune Teller 1st Year Regrets / Toga How-To O-Week Calendar Know Your VUWSA McCourt Report VUWSA Execs Rep Groups columns Services Clubs 39. Laying Down The Salient Bar/BYO Law Guide 39. Weekly Rant 40. Things That Go Bump In The Night 41. Fixing Your Life 44. Secret Diary

arts 45. 46. 47. 48. 49.

Music Film Books Theatre Visual Arts

salient <3 you 50. 52. 55. 55.

◄ ◄– 3 –►►

Puzzles Letters VBC Gig Guide


EDITORIAL Hall Life: One fine Saturday way back in 2009, I packed all of my worldly possessions into the car and moved to Wellington. I was extremely hungover. (This is not advisable, especially when your Dad’s a vegetarian so there’s no stopping at McDonald’s for a hungover Big Mac.) Finally arriving in the city, the novelty of my great plan to flock the nest and migrate south quickly wore off. I was surrounded by hundreds of people I didn’t know, a city I didn’t recognise, and a pile of boxes full of shit I didn’t need. (Hint: If your load includes high-school art projects or anything deemed a ‘Fancy Dress Costume’, YOU’VE BROUGHT TOO MUCH). In short, I was scared shitless. I was homesick, it was windy, and I was drinking warm goon. But somewhere over the course of that year living in a hall, between learning cringe-worthy house chants and gaining the obligatory “Fresher Five” (the rumours are true), I stopped missing Auckland, got used to the wind, and learned to mix my goon with lemonade. If this issue of Salient finds you at a crowded dining table, eating stale corn flakes, or in your floor’s common room, already littered with Mi Goreng packets and safe sex pamphlets, welcome to the quintessential experience of first year in the halls! Soon enough you will realise that the shared experiences of questionable hall food; having to face up to regrettable one-night-stands for the rest of the goddamn year, and a hallway that never ceases to reek of stale beer are foundational blocks of memories like no other. And somewhere, amongst those hundreds of people you don’t know right now, will be some of the best friends you’ll ever make. [Disclaimer: there will also be some dicks, but you only have to live with them until November.] Home Life:

Hello and welcome to Victoria University of Wellington! Wherever you are from, whether you are a returning student, new to the city, or you’ve just moved from one Wellington learning institution to another—Salient is your student magazine. Out every Monday, and absolutely free (you’ve already paid for it!), it’s been “an organ of student opinion” since 1938. We’re here to question, inform, and provide you with some lols. And, as a student magazine, everyone is welcome to help fill Salient’s pages. We are Molly and Stella, editors of Salient for 2013. In 2009, Molly moved from Auckland and enjoyed O-Week with 300 perfect strangers in a hall of residence. In the same year, Stella was welcomed to Vic with a couple of high school friends, but at least enjoyed the comfort of her parental home. As such, their experiences of O-Week were pretty different. Wherever you’re placed this Orientation Week, remember that this is just the beginning—the best is yet to come. Love,


& stella

Dearest Stella (circa 2009). You naive, bright-eyed wee thing. Oh how reluctant you were to even go to university, and now you’re finally here! No career goal in mind, rather fearing the alternative which was a ‘gap year’ to ‘explore yourself ’. You picked your majors from the NCEA subjects you were good at and weren’t too hard. Steven Joyce wasn’t the Minister of Tertiary Education, so there was no website for your Mum to make you consider your projected future earnings. Geography, what were you thinking? Following hours of last minute ‘StudyLink’ organisation, which you will never learn to start earlier, you go to the new students’ welcome. All the halls look like they’re having fun—together—in their matching tees. You feel isolated, lurking at the fringe with other students who also decided not to leave the comforts of home. Fortunately, in 2013 the University will create a metaphorical hall for the hundreds of students like you (WGTN Hall), so that you can feel a part of something, meet people, and wear matching tees, too. The air of excitement surrounding the out-of-towners doesn’t really capture you, Wellington is your home. You’ve already been to all the bars with your fake ID, drunk mochas at Fidel’s, and ‘discovered’ op-shops. You do perk up by hoarding as much free stuff (see: VUWSA) as your new faux-leather satchel can carry. Optimistic, you take lots of condoms as you check out the hoards of potential suitors, eyeing up which ones you’d like to take that lingering virginity. “Too much of a woman for high school boys,” you reassure yourself. Reading the O-Week calendar, doesn't appear to have much scheduled partying— something even your nostalgic parents would expect. Facebook has photos of your friends readily adopting their scarfie lifestyles. Once you eventually overcome the jealousy, you’ll see your university’s location for what it is: full of potential. This proper city with adults and it’s own swag (see: Mayor Celia Wade-Brown’s speech at students’ welcome) has so much more for you to explore than couches to burn and STIs to contract. So go and try something new, there’s bounds of potential for learning, fun, wining and dining—not to mention those liberating sexual experiences. Though of course, Stella, you won’t listen to me. Trying new things makes you anxious, and it’s much easier to stay within the comfort of those who shared your uniform. But the sooner you get over yourself, the faster can ‘Get Amongst the Best’. Yolo.

◄ ◄– 4 –►►

s to do

in o

ing h t



ee k


10 Get drunk in the Vicbooks queue

9 Make a friend you never speak to again

8 Spend all of your Course-Related Costs

7 Massively overstate your alcohol tolerance

6 Inadvertently offend someone

5 Argue that your hall is the ‘best’

4 Get embarrassingly lost

3 Drop out of Law

2 Hit on your Campus Coach

1 Get Amongst the Best CARLO SALIZZO

◄ ◄– 5 –►►

♦ NEWS ♦


Scandals, leaks, leads & tips? Tie our news toga: news@salient.

STUDENTS STOOD UP Vic fails to show on completion date chris mcintyre

The Campus Hub project, the majority of which was meant to be ready for O-Week, is now facing an unknown completion date. Following the Waitangi Day announcement of construction giant Mainzeal’s receivership, the company’s projects were immediately halted. Around 100 workers returning to the site on February 7 were locked out as receivers Pricewaterhouse Cooper carried out a site stocktake. While subcontractors were allowed on-site to collect tools and equipment in the days following, 12 days passed before work resumed last Monday under interim arrangements secured by the University. "A number of contractors are already working on the site and we are looking to engage a new main contractor over the next few weeks in order to finish the remaining work", Campus Services Director Jenny Bentley told Salient. The Campus Hub project is the $67 million dollar redevelopment of the Kelburn campus’ central space. The redevelopment effort is now in its third year, with key elements due at the beginning of 2013. “The main Hub building has largely been completed and is currently in use” reported Bentley. “VicBooks, STA Travel, a pharmacy and the new burger and kebab bar, Hubside, are already operating in their new premises.” Despite the delays, students are enjoying the new furniture and airy ambience, and have welcomed the indoor-outdoor flow. “It’s very House and Garden” one student told Salient. Salient will have an in-depth look at what Mainzeal’s receivership means for the Campus Hub in next week’s issue.

o-week hard done by Students flaccid phillipa webb

THE 2013 O-Week lineup has failed to live up to expectations, leaving many students disappointed and wishing it was 2011. 2013’s O-Week will feature Home Brew, a Neon Toga Party, a Comedy Spectacular and a Hypnotist night; a lineup which has left many students wanting more. Students have expressed their disappointment on Facebook through the Overheard @ Vic page. “Remember the time when VUWSA booked MGMT and De La Soul for O-week two years ago? Yeah, what happened since then?” one student commented. Some students blamed Voluntary Student Membership, a piece of legislation which has meant compulsory membership fees can no longer be collected by students’ associations. VUWSA is now treated as a service provider, contracted by the university to run things VUWSA used to pay for itself. Other commentators have argued O-week failings are “because people didn’t vote for Jackson Freeman”. Freeman was a presidential candidate who unsuccessfully ran against Rory McCourt last year, promising “loose events”. ◄ ◄– 6 –►►

The privatisation of O-Week has been mooted as a future solution, with #privatiseoweek a popular hashtag among students who still aren’t sure how hashtags work on Facebook. Last year’s O-Week—the first under VSM— was also criticised by students for a lacklustre lineup which included Roots Manuva and, predictably, another Toga Party. The last standout O-Week was 2011, the year before VSM was introduced. 2011 saw both MGMT and De La Soul play The Hunter Lounge. A first-year student Salient spoke to said he was stoked with the O-week line-up and others are fine with it. “It’s not about the entertainment–give me a toga and a beer and I’m on fire.” VUWSA President Rory McCourt says he is incredibly excited about the line-up. “The first years will be drunk with happiness. “Plus, everyone should keep their eye out for more events during the year.” See next week’s Salient for a review of the VUWSA and University processes which led to the second successive year of O-Week disappointment.

♦ NEWS ♦

drug fucked final nail in coffin for sex fad? PHILLIPA WEBB

MORE hanky panky can lead to more wacky backy, as new research has discovered a correlation between the number of sexual partners you have and alcohol/drug dependence. The findings—part of the Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study—shows young people are at greater risk of developing substance abuse, the greater number of sexual partners they have had. Study lead author Dr Sandhya Ramrakha says there are many possible explanations behind the promiscuous and addictive behaviour reported. “Multiple partners and alcohol/drug use are part of a ‘cluster’ of risk-taking behaviours of young adults.” In addition to the clusterfuck, Ramrakha also noted the unsurprising correlation between the effects of alcohol and drugs and the confidence to get your kit off. “Context may be a further explanation–pubs and bars are also places where one can easily meet partners”, said Ramrahka.

scarfies roofied

The study used data which tracked the health and behaviour of more than 1000 people since their birth in 1972-3, and focussed on their sexual partners and mental health between the ages of 18 and 30. The study highlighted that women who have multiple sexual partners are at higher risk of substance abuse than men. Women who had more than two partners per year greatly increased their odds of having an addiction, she said. “When we used a model to compare men or women who had more than 10-20 sex partners in the same periods, we found that these women were much more likely to have a substance disorder than men. “For example, it may be the impersonal nature of short-term relationships or the effect of multiple failed relationships.” Dr Ramrakha says more research is needed to determine why there is a risk to taking your kit off, so that solutions can be found.


Otago students take their place in world, hospital

En masse, debaters travel to Europe sophie boot


Otago University’s typically raucous Orientation festivities had their first hiccup one week before the start of official events, with two students falling off the roof of a Dunedin flat. The University’s Proctor made an example of the two, getting the students to speak to media in the hope other students would think before they drink during upcoming O-Week events. The pair fell off a Dundas St flat roof within minutes of each other following a booze-fuelled night. The two students, both 19, refused to be named. Each broke one of their hands, and one was left unconscious. One of the two commented on the events, saying he had no recollection of obtaining the injuries until he woke up in a hospital bed. ''We had been drinking, but it wasn't excessive or anything. I was drunk, but it wasn't a big night or anything.” It’s not the first time Dunedin students have had difficulty remaining stable on rooves; during last year’s annual Hyde St keg party, students collapsed the roof of a Hyde St property. Alcohol is responsible for one-quarter of all ACC claims, and up to 35 per cent of accident and emergency hospital admissions–a figure rising to 70 per cent for weekend admissions.

Victoria's most successful 'sports' team, DebSoc, have fallen in international rankings following what team member Richard D’Ath describes as “a disappointing tournament”. The sole Victoria team broke 16th before losing their octofinal to eventual winners, Melbourne’s Monash B at the World University Debating Championships, held in Berlin over summer. This compares unfavourably to Victoria’s performance in 2012, when both teams reached the octofinals and one team, the quarterfinals. Standout performances came from Auckland and Otago, with both universities’ A teams making the final round of the competition. D'Ath and teammate Seb Templeton finished 12th and tenth respectively on individual speaker points in the tournament, which included 774 speakers from 387 teams. In 2012, Victoria’s best speaker came third, while in 2011 Victoria’s highest ranked-speaker came 41st. “There’s a certain degree of luck involved in debating... [but] the course is still solidly upwards”, said D’Ath. It’s hoped that luck returns in time for WUDC 2014, to be held in Chennai, India. Salient is unsure whether DebSoc will continue their usual tradition of graduate team members enrolling in one paper to remain eligible for competition.

◄ ◄– 7 –►►

♦ NEWS ♦


NZ’s favourite instant noodles Aztec: Indomie Dollar Share of Instant Noodles MAT to 06/01/13

Soon they’ll be your favourite too!

Flavour, favoured by the world.

Students are resorting to the Wellington Night Shelter and bribery as many are left without residence as the university year draws closer. Mike Leon, manager of the Wellington Night Shelter, says nearly a fifth of current residents are students—a higher proportion than in previous years. Leon also told Salient that a number of people are couchsurfing to get by and keep costs down. “It’s another form of homelessness.” VUWSA President Rory McCourt questioned how New Zealand could call itself a First World country when students had to “slum it” in night shelters. “It’s time the Wellington City Council took action to lower the cost of decent housing.” Anecdotal evidence suggests landlords are capitalising on the high demand, with rents rising accordingly. Salient has found interested parties are making high offers to landlords at viewings in the hopes of securing a property. Four students shelled out $740 per week for a three bedroom flat in Te Aro, originally listed on Trade Me for $555. Trade Me property reports show Wellington’s property prices have grown at an annual rate of 1.8 per cent, a rate higher than inflation, which hovered around one per cent in 2012. In the past ten years alone, flat prices have risen 50 per cent. “Until local and central Government acts, we’ll be doing everything we can to get students into flats and through the cold Wellington winter” said McCourt. This year, VUWSA will be running a campaign for warmer, drier and more affordable flats. February is traditionally the busiest time for flat hunters, with viewings regularly attracting over 20 interested parties. One landlord Salient spoke to had all five of his properties filled within two days of listing. “I never have any trouble filling my places and this year’s been no different." His advice to students still looking for flats is to stand out from other applicants: “We might have 50 different groups we’re meeting in a couple of days. If you’ve got an A4 page with a picture, bio, contact details and referees for each flatmate, that’s a huge help in getting us to remember you. “If you’ve got a female flattie, that helps.”

♦ NEWS ♦

headlines that weren't

stay classy, world

Sky City not actually city in the sky, Auditor General report shows Rebecca Black teams up with Joseph Kony in desperate bid for relevancy “It’s too hot”: second fine spell disappoints Wellington residents Academy Awards gossip and rumour rife in Syria as Oscars approach

Ratings surge for menu screen as viewers turn off Seven Sharp: “More substance,” viewers say Uh-Osl-Oh: Research discovers it’s still too soon for Norway shooting jokes---Virginia Tech “probably okay” Pat Walsh resigns: “I was just sort of winging it” admits outgoing Vice-Chancellor.

‘Cardinal Sin’ not an instruction, Vatican discovers

Oscar Pistorius went from being the Fastest Man on No Legs to the Fastest Man facing No Bail last week, as he fights murder charges after the death of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Commentators predict Pistorius will have no leg to stand on in court. Fresh off a successful nuclear test, North Korea threatens “final destruction” of its southern neighbours. The global community wave their arms about a bit, and in typically understated fashion North Korean media report the serpent-demon South has already been defeated by the great dragon fist of Kim Jong-un. North Korean head of state Eternal President Kim Il-sung did not respond to Salient’s request for comment, probably because he’s been dead for 19 years.

A bold new world: Wellingtonian tweets about both weather and coffee

Oscar Pistorius does Harlem Shake with asteroid shower; wins internet

In true Catholic fashion, the Pope has ‘pulled out’ before finishing. In a departure from the regular papal modus operandi, the Pope has neglected to go full-term. Salient predicts His Holiness will settle down and start a family.

Journalists at the New York Times appear to be as susceptible to those "lol look at this picture I found of you" links as everyone else, falling prey to an army of Chinese cyberwarriors over the last few months. Numerous American companies were also hacked, including Facebook and Twitter. A security firm ties the Times hacking to a state sponsored group, who are, no shit, known as the "Comment Crew". China, backed by a stellar history of open, transparent government, denies involvement. A solution to a problem was found by researchers last week. New findings indicated a previouslyunknown phenomenon was due to a variety of factors. Follow-up studies are expected to reveal trends over time.


CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE Lars Mytting, Norway’s biggest firewood celebrity—that’s not the joke—is excited about a 12-hour television show based on his firewood book set to air in Norway later this year. The show consists of a fireplace burning for 12 straight hours. The heat generated by the fire is expected to help dry wet paint being simultaneously broadcast on another Norwegian public television station.

Here comes the son: the world’s ‘coolest’ ‘mother’ last week gifted her son a hard-to-beat surprise when she arranged for a stripper to attend his sixteenth birthday festivities. Pictures from the party show a “scantily clad, tattooed woman clinging upside down to a seated teen”, according to reports. Jealous mutters to the tune of “Oh, sweet” and “Tyler doesn’t even have pubes yet” emanated from partygoers as they observed what for many was their first naked breast.

◄ ◄– 9 –►►

An elderly couple bumped saggies last week in the carpark of Doc’s Texas BBQ and Burgers, a restaurant in Sonora, California. Manual stimulation was reportedly "fair-to-middling", as both had arthritis and neither had Parkinson’s. “I don’t care if she has acute angina”, said restaurant owner Rachael Shevlin, “I don’t want any fucking geriatric gymnastics in my carpark”. Talk about assisted living.

~  CAMPUS DAY  ~



Associate Director of Campus Services Rainsforth Dix recently had her hand at playing Judge Judy on campus, when it was discovered that Victoria University doctoral student Chris Cherry had his smartphone stolen by a University staffer. The alleged thief has been charged with theft by the police and is currently awaiting trial, but until then, Dix has determined that they will retain their position at the University. In correspondence with the doctoral student, Dix said that the alleged thief “must provide a written apology, pay for a new SIM card and, if you wish to do so, meet with you to allow you to tell him of the impact of his actions". Salient admires this restorative justice initiative on campus, but cannot find the relevant policy that allows Dix to be inserted into heated situations. Cherry has since challenged this determination, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, across campus, Victoria University’s leading scientists have been slaving away in the lab to develop a product that is destined to be truly life-changing: golden wool. The wool, created by the University’s Professor Jim Johnston and Dr Kerstin Lucas on the back of $3 million of research and development funding, contains a tiny amount of pure gold and is expected to be purchased to produce luxury baby booties for celebrity children the world over. Despite its special ingredient, the final product is not gold, but in fact blue, grey or purple in colour. Obviously its value comes from inherent bragging rights, or knowing that the gold is there, even if you can’t see it. Salient wonders whether this is an attempt by the University to pull the golden wool over students’ eyes to the issue of questionable research spending.



VUWSA President Rory McCourt has been challenged by Leukaemia & Blood Cancer New Zealand to face off with Massey Wellington’s MAWSA President Ben Thorpe in the upcoming ‘Shave Duel’ Shave for a Cure campaign. Thorpe has already signed on to lose his signature ‘fro for the cause, but McCourt has neither confirmed nor denied his willingness to lose his golden locks. Salient thinks that McCourt should make like Rapunzel and let go of dat hayurr.

Gareth Morgan’s latest attempt to throw the cat among the pigeons by suggesting that New Zealand should be cat-free is receiving support from staff at Victoria University. Victoria University Ecology Professor Charles Daugherty recently let the cat out of the bag when he announced his support for Morgan’s plan to create a database of wild cat colonies. Salient is concerned about how this conflict of interest may affect the chances of a rumoured campaign for a Victoria University pet cat.

◄ ◄– 10 –►►

an apple a day


Book your appointments early!

During term times our services are in demand. Being pro-active will get you an appointment closest to when you need it! Save money – did you know there is a non-attendance fee for our services if the appointment is not cancelled in good time?

Weekly health advice provided by the staff at Student Health, Student Counselling and Physiotherapy Services are low cost or free for all students For more information head to page 36 & 37 of this issue.


Check out their new location in the Campus Hub


Your Bank Balance Reminder: fees are due by Friday 1st March

~  CAMPUS DAY  ~



amongst " the best"

Vinko Florence Kerr-Harris

Overheard outside VicBooks - Two girls asking one of the great problems that has dogged humanity since the dawn of time... Girl 1: "Don't you sometimes wish that you could pop your nipples like they were big zits? How satisfying would that be??" Girl 2: "Oh my god yes! But only if they could like, grow back over night or something" Jordan Kunz

A student randomly telling an electrician doing a fitting that he had a 'weird hair cut' for no reason. The electrician told him to 'fuck right off you stupid hipster'

John Key recently tried his hand at ye olde Beer Pong. Send us your best caption for this picture to, subject line: 'Caption Contest', by 5pm Friday 1st March for your chance to win a free coffee. See for the winner

VUW cupid #459

Dear David Maass, I have secretly admired you all year. You remind me of a friend I would not bang, but I would bang you. I like it when you're mean to other students, I like your accent and your speech impediment. I would also love to be inside your brain, the shit you say blows my mind.However, your sexist comment yesterday ruined all of this for me. I'll never love again. VUW cupid #452

Omar from pathology, We think you are so effing sexy. We want to sit on your penis and ride you all night long. Yes, there are 6 of us, but we are willing to share. Thanks for providing us with some eye candy, so rare to come by in biomed. Apart from Darren day. Reowl kitty. OMG vuw confessions #294

Last year I used the overbridge as my fuckin catwalk bitch

Get 10% off shoes at The Athlete’s Foot

OMG vuw confessions #278

my parents think the reason that i'm not coming home this summer is because i'm doing summer papers. the real reason is that i'm going on holiday with my 48 yr old boyfriend. OMG vuw confessions #277

My aunt recently dated one of my lecturers, and turns out he refers to his penis as the 'big mac’. I had to stop attending lectures after finding that out. Sarah Cliffe

Lost looking student to me: "Do you know where the office is?" Me: "Which office are you looking for" The first years are back Phillipa Walker

Overheard on level one of the library: "I wish I was a cat a lot" ◄ ◄– 11 –►►

Just present a valid student ID at any The Athlete’s Foot store nationwide. Not to be used in conjunction with other offers or sale items. See for store locations.









d) c)











e) b) 5.







salient's guide to wining & dining BARS


8. 7. 3. 14.

10. 16.



1. Hope Bros 2. Good Luck 3. Edison's 4. Mighty Mighty 5. San Francicso Bath House 6. Hotel Bristol 7. Rain 8. Electric Avenue 9. Four Kings 10. Library 11. Boogie Wonderland 12. Basement 13. S&M's 14. Establishment 15. Boogie Wonderland 16. Motel 17. Southerm Cross

BYO's A. Satay Kajang B. Oriental Kingdom C. Hede D. Namastay India E. Ozeki

CAFES a) Fidel's b) Midnight Espresso c) Memphis Belle d) Flight Coffee Hangar e) Espressoholic f) Olive




Tommy Ill

Tommy Ill is a rapper from Wellington, playing at VUWSA Orientation 2013 in support of Home Brew. Self-deprecating but mostly upbeat, his sample-laden songs will probably get stuck in your head before the end of the first chorus. With two full albums and as many recent EPs, he brings a huge back catalogue to his live show, as well as two hype men.



Henry Cooke

First of all, do you actually prefer Tom? Probably Tom. Just cause that’s what my parents always referred to me as. So Tommy was always a rap thing? Yeah, except for my Dad sometimes. It’s kind of useful for remembering how I know people. I meet a lot of people and forget who they are, but I can tell they know me from my music stuff if they call me Tommy. So what is ‘New Car Money’? I don’t know, I’ve never even bought a car before. However much an expensive car costs. Like a Maybach. [NB: Maybachs start at around US$375,000, or around NZ$441,000]. That was the last song we wrote for the album [New Hat and a Haircut], we did it in the very last minute because EMI were like “we need a pop song!” So Kelvin [Neal, one of Tommy’s producers/hype men] and I had like 24 hours to make it otherwise the album would be delayed. So we had this nightmare staying up all night recording it. It sort of worked. You’ve released two quite sample-laced EPs, Nostalgia, Zebra, and Iron Gosling, for free on Bandcamp, outside of your EMI contract, with a third on the way. Was there any friction there? EMI and I had a bit of friction, just, generally. I’m not signed to EMI any more, which is kind of awesome, because they didn’t really do much to push the record and now they’ve gone under. They never even said anything about the EPs though. I don’t even know if they were paying any attention to anything that I was doing, unless I was going on Twitter and making fun of Annabel Fay or other EMI artists. Some of your more popular songs

I’m kind of thinking of releasing an album in that style. Now we aren’t tied down to a record label I could put out a full-length thing, free, sampling anyone I wanted. The problem is it HAS to be free—because of the samples—but people don’t pay for music any more anyway. Do you prefer Bandcamp to iTunes? I like both. Bandcamp’s great because you can put something up for free and people can pay what they want, but iTunes is kind of necessary for that exposure. I don’t like making people pay as much as iTunes makes people pay though. Current tour plans? Still figuring that out, but basically I want to do a bunch of shows over here this year, and get over to Australia hopefully. Christchurch too, because there are people bugging me there all the time. You have a somewhat cultivated image—the pop culture EPs, the jokey tweets, the David Letterman video—is this a conscious effort, or is it just projecting your personality onto a larger stage?

brag it sounds kind of ironic. Was rapping about more relatable topics a decision you made, or did it come naturally? I often struggle to think of what to write about. Like often I don’t figure it out till I’m halfway through a verse. I don’t really think out what I’m writing about till I’m writing it, so it makes sense for it to be whatever is on my mind at the time, which is generally normal everyday stuff. I’m going to get into some teen-gossipmagazine like questions, sorry. Describe a Tommy Ill show in five words? Uh, [counts/mouths], “some guys doing some raps.” You work 9-5 as a designer, so, Helvetica or Futura? Futura, definitely. Snapbacks or five panels? That’s the thing I can’t wear either of them. I’ve got like a massive head. I can only wear like fitted hats. I wish I could wear snapbacks. Notorious B.I.G. or 2Pac?

Even if I wasn’t doing music I’d be doing weird things like that. Then again, without the music, well it’s not like it’s forced or anything, but maybe I wouldn’t be as proactive about it without something behind me.

Biggie, easy. Animal Collective or Wavves? Uhhhhh, Wavves.

Is having some kind of online image a

If you were written into a Simpsons

necessity in 2013?

episode, would you rather be in a

Yeah definitely. It’s more important to be big on the internet now than to have a music video on TV. When you hear something online you can immediately access a whole lot more by the artist and become a fan pretty fast - when you see a song on a TV at McDonalds or whatever, you have no way of following that.

are from those EPs; do you see them as models for the future, or kind of just

Your lyrics often describe a pretty

fun things between albums?

average Wellington life, and when you ◄ ◄– 14 –►►

Homer or a Bart episode? Man that’s a hard question. Probably a Homer one, in the power plant. Who was that time, that guy Grimes? Frank Grimes? [From Season 8 episode “Homer’s Enemy”] Yeah Frank Grimes. I would be Frank Grimes.




Home Brew

“Smooth and delicious, they’re ripping the mic, making the music that you want to hear, the Home Brew Crew, drunk every day of the year”. So began 2007’s Home Brew Light EP, an exciting opening document which established a modus operandi for the trajectory which has since been followed by Tom, Haz and Lui. Their self-titled debut album reached number one in its first week, Silver Scroll nominations followed, and critical acclaim came from all corners. This week, Salient’s Chris McIntyre speaks to frontman Tom Scott ahead of Home Brew’s March 5 Orientation show.



Chris McIntyre

What drug should John Key use? Marijuana. It’s a gateway drug. He needs to see the world from outside his head. Not too much, just enough for him to open his little mind What drug should all students try? I really don’t think it’s necessary to try drugs. I don’t think it’s benefited me knowing what drugs do to you. I don’t know, I think marijuana does open your mind for a bit. I was forced to smoke some hash yesterday [and] after like four or five takes I’ve got hella high, and it just gave me a nice step outside my box to look at my life, and I hadn‘t really evaluated it for a while from another person’s perspective, so that helped me in that way. But, I’m really not as much of a druggie as people make out, I wouldn’t encourage people to do drugs to be honest with you. I’m an addictive personality, bro, like, I wouldn’t recommend anyone to be addicted to anything. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to need anything, when life is the shit as it is. It really is. And your brain works by itself, like, you can take yourself outside of yourself with some willpower. I really wouldn’t recommend anyone needing drugs, I really wouldn’t. Do you find drugs useful as a creative avenue? Creatively, it doesn’t help me at all. My brain runs too quickly. Like I just start fuckin’ thinking a million miles a minute and I can’t put all those words down onto one page, like with weed at least. With ecstasy I just want to hug strangers, and with acid I can’t even fucking make out what my pen is let alone put it to use. The other day I had this knee operation and they gave me fuckloads of codeine, and I just took ten of them and ran a bath, and nothing creative came out of that. I had to give them back to my mum and say "hide these from me’', cause I was taking them every fucking day. I enjoy [drugs], hell

yeah I enjoy them, but I enjoy sleeping all day as well and there’s way more to life than that. If one major Home Brew theme is drugs, another’s political activism. But I don’t get a Lupe Fiasco-style preachy vibe from it, is there a key to that? [Laughs] Haha, thanks bro. I just think that I have the opportunity to say, "fuck this Prime Minister", and we all know he’s an idiot, we all know he doesn’t care about poor people in the country, and I’ve just had the opportunity to say that. And that’s about all I’ve done. I’m not an activist, I just have an opinion [...] I just wake up wanting to write raps, sing some shit. I don’t wake up consciously thinking, "how will I change that", I really don’t. I’m trying to change my world. First and foremost, I’m just trying to get out of my mum’s house. I think Lupe at least does shit. I can’t stand his music but I think he at least puts money into the community. I just say fuck the Prime Minister every now and then, ‘cause people need to hear that. What can people expect from your live show? We try to give an insight into every aspect of our personalities [through a live band]. So at the same time we want to party and drink, we want to bring it back down, go somewhere different for a second. It’s just basically music that brings out a good feeling in you, I think that’s mainly what’s music’s used for, in a tribal sense you know, bring emotion out. I try to always look at music in a live situation as it would be in a tribal situation, people dancing around the fire, or channeling spirits or something like that. You try to bring that out live. It’s going to come across to the average listener as just another party, but it’s deeper than that. That use of instrumentalism through your music, is that influence from the Roots’ style of hip hop, or is that just you guys reappropriating a love of jazz? ◄ ◄– 15 –►►

I always grew up with live music and always knew that live music was more powerful than a DJ, and I always got a buzz of hearing live drums at shows. I saw James Brown when I was younger, and at the same time I saw groups like De La Soul, I was more enjoying the live aspect, there’s just so much more you can do, you know? When you’re on stage with a DJ you only really got one musician up there who can add something musical to it, but when we have four people combined, it’s always going to be more powerful. You’re always gonna provide a better show.

What’s on your rider? Hennessy; chicken for Haz; wine; a cricket set; Panadol; Up&Go for the morning; Red Bull, for when I feel like this—I’m feeling like shit right now; vodka; a box of Heinies; I’m trying to get some milk bottles and maybe some fuckin’ peaches and cream or something, maybe some scroggin. Tommy Ill’s gonna be opening for you guys, have you heard much of his stuff? I like how [Tommy]’s out of centre. He gets a lot of haters, and I think that’s just showing that he’s trying to do something different. But I’m a lyrics dude, mainly, so I’m always going to be drawn to real lyricists, I like the way that Tommy tries to find a niche and makes music that doesn’t sound stereotypically hip-hop, for lack of a better explanation. Hip-hop should be hip-hop, at least there’s something different.

Buy the Girl Songs EP from Find the full interview transcript, including Tom’s thoughts on Kendrick Lamar, critics, and success at


DON'T PANIC What You Really Shouldn't Do (But Probably Will) 


Odds are that you have grabbed this magazine in the hope that maybe it can tell you what you should do to get your head around working in this scary new place called university. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. Everyone’s experiences in their first year are different and some things that you ‘should’ do may not be your cup of tea. What I can do is give you some pretty straightforward things you probably shouldn’t do to make life a mite easier. DO NOT stress about first year courses – the reality is that first year courses are just stepping stones into 200 and 300 level courses, read: the ones you can’t afford to screw up. Unless you’re talking a law degree, your first year does not dictate your entire life. Take it seriously, sure, but don’t pity gorge yourself on chocolate over a B-. DO NOT leave assignments until the last minute – “But I’ve gotten on fine by doing things last minute so far and I wanna go get drunk and piss on cop cars!" – Shut up. Do your work.” The lecturers and tutors that tell you this time and time again are not saying it to be arseholes, they mean it. Act like you pay to be here, because you do.

DO NOT study in silence – research has shown that the brain is more receptive to new information when ambient sound is present. In other words, go to the Hunter Lounge, have a drink, and study that Physics paper. Better yet, study in a group and split the bill. DO NOT get your books in the first week – do you want to spend $500 on books for a course where the first lecture is so dull it has you drooling all over your laptop? Didn’t think so. Hold fire on the big spending until you’re absolutely sure it’s the course for you. DO NOT sleep with your tutor – you would be amazed how many people have claimed to have pulled this off. Seriously, don’t screw the crew. There’s no ‘extra credit’ and you’ll never get any work done. Kudos to you if you succeed but don’t say you weren’t warned. DO NOT force yourself to wake up – one of the joys of university is that most of the time, you can make your uni schedule work around you. So if you’re not a morning person, get in quick on S-Cubed so you don’t have to claw your way to the cable car pre-coffee.

◄ ◄– 17 –►►

DO NOT fuck with your RAs – if you have them, they are your caregivers/deities, banishing liquor from your hand and towels from your bathrooms. Be nice to them and treat them with respect: being an RA is a tough, 24/7 job and dealing with drunken idiots that locked themselves out at 3am is something you do not want to be saddled with. Speaking of the drink… DO NOT destroy your liver – as a wise friend once told me, drink like there is a tomorrow. There is no worse feeling in uni life than waking up at nine in the godforsaken morning to attend an introductory lecture on legal history that is drier than Weet-Bix in the Sahara after a dozen Coronas and half a bottle of Jim Beam. The occasional piss-up is going to happen, but you will also constantly have shit to do that you really don’t want to be hung over for.

But most importantly:

DON’T PANIC – you will make it through with a completely different outlook on education and maybe with a toe missing, but you will make it. Fingers crossed.


guide to surviving first year halls BY caitlin attenburrow

It's the first day:

It's the Friday before Easter break:

So you've got your swipe card and your room key. You are nonchalantly holding the lanyard they are attached to, not wanting to show too much enthusiasm by actually wearing it. Your mother tries to tell you which drawer to use for your undies. You say something snarky because you're an adult now and you'll decide where your own undies will damn well go. She tries to leave you there by yourself. Suddenly you become super interested in what she's doing for the rest of the day. Yes you'd love to go out for coffee with Aunt Mildred.

Your whole floor is squished into the lift to get to dinner by five thirty. Fifth floor has beaten you to the front of the dinner line. Graham starts an abusive chant, which everyone joins in on. Jason drops his entire plate of food on the floor because he's wasted already and everyone laughs. The dark-haired dinner lady glares on... she hates every single one of you and probably gave birth to Gollum. You don't care. You are having the best time of your life, and have forgotten you ever had parents.

Next door you hear someone burst into tears. Across the hall a boy who resembles a small troll is having the undie drawer fight with his mum. He sees you looking and smiles weakly. His mum waves to your mum with a pair of pink Jockeys in her hand. Eventually the parents leave to visit the Aunt Mildreds of the world and all is silent. You poke your head out of your room and look down the hallway. It's a ghost town. You shut yourself in your room and quietly begin to panic. You unpack your undies into the drawer your mum suggested.

It's Wednesday of O-Week: You wake up to blankness. The troll from across the hall appears to be lying underneath you in your single bed. You spy the pink Jocks flung over the lid of your laptop. Your door opens. In walks your new best friend (previously known as bursts-into-tears-in-the-room-next-to-you). She seems to be wearing the dress Aunt Mildred bought you for your 18th birthday. "Oh my God you'll never guess what happened last night, Sarah got brought home in an ambulance after she vomited in the lifts at U-Stay, Brit lost her phone again and nobody has seen Ollie since Mon... What is the Trollop doing in your bed?!"

It's the morning of kick out day in November: You are lying on the common room floor cuddled up to a yellow bucket, a bottle of shower gel, and a still-drunk Graham. Your RA is saying something loud about being out by twelve, but she's also chuckling to herself and prodding people with her foot. Half packed suitcases and empty beer cans are strewn down the hallway. Last night was the goodbye BYO. You stumble into your boyfriend's room and find him packing away the last pair of bright pink underwear. His mum smiles at you.

To conclude: You will survive halls. You will probably love halls. And just like in life, in halls you will make mistakes. I could tell you what not to do. I could tell you not to gorge yourself on all the free carbs, sleep with anyone on your floor, or vomit in front of anyone important. But that would be somewhat hypocritical of me. And so instead I shall leave you with two pieces of advice: always wear jandals in the shower and never trust the mystery meat meal.

◄ ◄– 18 –►►


the CASE FOR Home BY Indi Howse

Did you make the canny decision to stay in your hometown? Is that hometown Wellington? Regardless of whether this decision is rooted in a fear of change, a lack of income, an attachment to a pet iguana, or because “I think you’ll find that Victoria’s Law School is actually rated really highly”, you will at some stage be in a tutorial, actively letting other people down because you have insufficient things in common with them. Obviously, this is because: a) you are not in a hostel and, b) have not yet had bad decision sex with anyone in said hostel. Here lies the home dwellers’ justification. Don’t question my credentials: they’re impeccable. It’s easy to feel like all orientation stuff is geared at people in hostels, because a lot of it is. As Wellingtonians, we are entitled to pretend that everyone that gets drunk this week and throws up outside Hope Bros has just got here from out of town. Can you blame us? Regardless, if you are from here and living at home while starting university, you need not feel as though you’re missing out. I know that being the only one in Civic Square without a Te Puni T-shirt “totally blows”, but hear me out.

Submission One: Money The easiest upside is financial. Hostels cost more than $10,000. You do not have to borrow that money from the government and pay it back later. This is unequivocally a good thing. However, if your Wellingtonian parents have the money to send you to a hostel in order to facilitate your ‘university experience’, remember that they had to earn 40% more than the cost of a hostel before tax, i.e. check yo’ privilege.

Submission Two: Other People Not everyone is cut out to live with four hundred other people their own age. If you found high school full of people you don’t want to talk to, halls are just like that. While people in halls will probably spend less time sitting on Facebook feeling like everyone else is having a better time than them, they don’t get the luxury of having a house to themselves for an afternoon OR of using an oven OR of being able to leave the shower without having to walk down a communal hallway OR of eating (a dinner of choice) later than 6.30pm. I promise that these are real benefits. If you hate being alone and are overly envious of people in hostels surrounded by others, your best bet is to make friends with them and go “hang out” in their hostels. You will feel mildly irate that their mother doesn’t “have to shut the door every time I walk past your room because it’s such a pigsty”, but they probably (to some extent, surely) miss their family.

Submission Three: Study Hostels have designated study spaces and heaps of people doing the same courses. Living at home means that you might have to try and get more out of your tutorials, or

do PASS classes, or awkwardly put yourself out there in lectures by asking the people next to you if they “get what’s going on” or “want to talk about it sometime”. You will get distracted regardless of where you live, but your parents are also less likely to stress you out by over-hyping your first POLS111 essay. You are also probably less likely to be lured into procrastination by your fifteen-yearold brother than by fifth floor’s resident James Franco (although in the cold light of day, both of them inevitably look like one of the Inbetweeners).

Submission Four: False Popularity The definition of ‘popularity’ as ‘knowing people outside of one building’ is iffy but, in my opinion, tenable. You do, after all, know people here (!!). If you want to know new ones, you can meet them: if you don’t, then you needn’t bother. No one need know if you haven’t met anyone new since you were sixteen and working at a bagel shop. (FYI the bonding value of carbs should not be underestimated – watch out for that).

Submission Five: Standard of Living When you move out of home, you are suddenly forced to do all your own washing and maintain a basic standard of cleanliness that theretofore may have been maintained for you. At this moment, you magically appreciate everything that was done for you at home (yes, yes, we all 'help out' around the house – it’s hardly self-sufficiency). On reflection, I think these newfound 'life skills' can only be seen as a positive thing. If you are still at home, I suppose the best you can do is be grateful for having your shirts ironed while being aware that you’ll eventually move out and become 30% less productive because you’ve gotta cook and clean and spend time waiting for washing cycles to finish. Once more, check yo’ privilege...

Submission Six: A Few Weeks’ Head Start God forbid Wellingtonians have to share KK Malaysia/ Midnight Espresso/SaveMart, but it’s inevitable. You have inside information. Use it wisely.

In closing: When at home, you have the choice to go flatting whenever you like. You need not be overwhelmed in moving somewhere different while also starting uni. It is stupid to think that only people in halls have ready-made flatmates - as per Submission Four, you know people here. Additionally, you don’t have to sign up for someplace average out of sheer desperation: you can wait, all the while luxuriating in your family’s clean bench and the food in the fridge not being marked with pass-agg Post-It notes. I didn’t want to get sentimental, but regardless of where you live, this place is awesome.

◄ ◄– 19 –►►


Absolutely, Positively Wellington? Reflections on living in the windy city. By Patrick Hunn

My sister was recently driven down to Otago for the first time by my parents and, in preparation for house-sitting, I was there to say goodbye. I waved them off in the chilly early hours wearing nothing but my underwear and a duvet clamped around my head, weeping and feeling like an elderly babushka mourning the loss of her children to the revolution.

Leaving home to study in another city is a big deal and it’s not something that I would otherwise have had any experience with. After living in Wellington almost my entire life I didn’t really want to leave when I had the option to. I stayed here ostensibly because I really like the city, but more truthfully because I’m chronically lazy and if I could study and spend another year at home eating my parents' food then I wasn’t going to give it up. I wanted to study, and Wellington was as good a place as any to do it. I have often wondered, however, why other people end up here.

Presumably people want to study at Victoria in particular – but the city itself must be a pull, at least for some. The main difficulty I have is that I’ve never been totally sure of what our city means to non-natives. So I’ve asked some people who, a few years ago, made the decision to give over at least a few years of their lives to Wellington why they came here and what they think of living here. If you’re a new arrival then you could be looking at yourself in three years. All of the respondents represented here are either recent graduates or in the last year of their undergraduate degrees.

◄ ◄– 20 –►►

Originally from Picton, our first interviewee says that she always knew she’d end up in Wellington. In her case, university was only really a pretext to get here. Born in Brighton, she says that visiting friends there was often testing because they were “living these cool, cosmopolitan lives that I didn’t get to have. Wellington seemed like the closest thing to it at the time. They’d go to gigs and stuff and it’d bum me out because I knew that I’d never ever get to do the same.” She notes that her younger sister is “totally an Auckland girl”, who finds Wellington “repulsive and scummy”, so she doesn’t believe that the city is


for everyone. “I think that Wellington can be aesthetically disappointing for some people who come from the country. Like, it’s this metropolitan city but it has these old, run-down buildings everywhere that most of us love but I guess that if you’ve never really been exposed to it over a long period of time you might feel let down. I don’t think Cuba St is the universally loved place people here might assume it is.” That’s a truth most of us who have lived here for a long time have probably never considered. “The reason I’ve always been turned off Auckland is that it feels a little bit heartless. Like there’s this unique thing you get in Wellington where everything is collapsed or collided – like everything is very concentrated and people and traffic for instance feel like they sit very close to each other.” How, then, does life in a small-ish town compare? “Picton is a conservative place. Well, I mean it’s not like crazy-conservative but it felt nice not to have to hide or squash parts of my personality just to make people feel comfortable. A lot of my friends moved to Christchurch and every time I meet them and they start complaining about their lives I’m like everything that makes you miserable there would be so easily fixed if you only came here.” A second says that it took him a year before he found that he could stomach the city at all: “I was in a hall feeling sorry for myself all first year. I think part of it was the wind. It gets you so down sometimes. It wasn’t until I spent some time in a flat and stuff that I started to dig it, really. That said, I felt like it was okay for me to not know what I was doing here because Wellington is filled with people who are freaking out about

the future. It’s a good place to be insecure in.” The first year as a sort of karmic journey, described as being “like that Julia Roberts movie where she has sex in Bali and eats pasta”, came up as a common thread in these interviews – most people spent a year miserable before things began to change. One man recalls how, two years ago, he was entirely depressed by his situation, and how strangely it made him behave; he would sleep until seven in the evening and then venture out into the streets, walking for hours and quietly hoping that he’d get into fights ‘til four or five in the morning while resolutely not going to classes. While that’s less of an indictment of Wellington and more one of feeling uprooted in general, this man did say that in a way his own melancholy was matched by the city’s. Wellington is pretty damn moody. There are others who, quite simply, have a less generous view of Wellington. In particular, some people take umbrage with the assertion that Wellington is New Zealand’s deepest and most rewarding well of culture. One student from Auckland, currently wading through a law degree and busily drinking her way through the summer, opined that “Wellington is shit and it doesn’t know it. Every other day I get an invitation from someone I barely know on Facebook for their ambient rock band or their Fringe show and I never go because I can just get the same experience by putting my face in a blender.” After delivering that parcel of nuanced insight she returned to her family-sized bottle of budget cider. Her objection, it seems, is not

◄ ◄– 21 –►►

that Wellington is lacking in any of these things, merely that there’s nothing you get here that you can’t get in any other number of places. Another interviewee deflected any substantive questioning by offering that “there’s nothing charming about hills. Wellingtonians have talked themselves into thinking that there is. I don’t get it.” There might be something in that. Many responses were designed to make me feel like an idiot. “What? Is that even interesting?” one psychology major asked, “It’s just a city. Wellington isn’t New York.” Another bluntly stated that “Wellington is just a shit Melbourne.” Another refused outright to answer the question because “Salient is for gay white ladies,” which was both disheartening and worryingly specific. One respondent, a Political Science and International Relations major originally hailing from Hamilton, gave me cause to be hopeful. “I think the thing is that if you find like-minded people anywhere you’ll have at least an okay time and I think that Wellington attracts the sort of people that I can have that with in a way that I’d never get at home, and for that I have fallen in love with it in a way I don’t think I could anywhere else in the country.” Which is nice, but we’re left with a mixed bag: a bunch of people love Wellington to pieces and never want to leave, while a similarly-sized bunch are completely uninterested and also don’t like Salient very much. I suppose all we can do is hope that, if you’re new, you end up in that first group.


How to Throw Parties and Alienate People HENRY COOKE

This year’s O-Week will not go down in history. It won’t be the best of times, and it won’t be the worst of times. It will cost near to a hundred thousand dollars, but no international music acts will play. Was it always like this? Every year, students’ associations around the country yearn to reach a near impossible ideal– a highly organised week of parties that are actually fun. They get pretty close sometimes–2011 had MGMT and a comedian who was somewhat relevant at the time. 2012 was, well, maybe we shouldn’t talk about 2012. This year’s lineup looked semi-alright at first–Home Brew and Tommy Ill are excellent— until you saw that Otago had secured Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, who are only the second independent artists to have a number one single in the US. Whether you think ‘Thrift Shop’ is hella banging or completely overplayed, Macklemore is definitely a drawcard; a good reason to leave the house for a cheap concert; a good opportunity for first years to

meet first years and exchange fluids. The usual. So why don’t we have Macklemore? He’s in Wellington around then (playing for more money at the Opera House), he’s open to Orientation shows (Otago!), and VUWSA (Victoria University of Wellington Students’

2012 was, well,

In a parenthesis-laden sentence: VSM means joining a students’ association (and thus paying for their operation) isn’t compulsory for full time students, as of January 1st 2012. Since students are notoriously poor, VUWSA (and many other students’ associations), lowered its fees to zero. As well as the VUWSA Trust, Victoria University (kind of) picked up the slack, raising the compulsory Student Services Levy by $154—not far from how much VUWSA membership cost anyway— to fund the essential services that VUWSA carries out. Bear with me, I’ll bring this back to O-Week in a second. This means the University has much more control over the way this money is spent—instead of bulk funding VUWSA and letting it does what it wants with the money, it contract out to VUWSA. Contracting lets the University set the terms, which VUWSA has to agree to, and this takes a looooooong time.

maybe we shouldn’t talk about 2012 Association) has pulled off larger shows in the past. As always, we can blame an abbreviation. A certain three letter initialism you have probably heard dropped into any conversation concerning student politics: VSM. VSM seems a lot more menacing abbreviated. 'Voluntary Student Membership' sounds almost cuddly. ◄ ◄– 22 –►►

How long? Well for 2012, VUWSA only had a month to secure gigs. This time around


the negotiations took until mid-November— earlier—but too late to sign Macklemore, or any other international artists. President Rory McCourt is the public face of VUWSA, and thus the easiest person to blame. I asked him how he personally felt about missing out on Macklemore. “I’m disappointed”, he said, “I was excited about signing them.” So what did he blame? “Orientation at Vic needs an overhaul. I think the process is broken... the University, this year and last, has been incredibly prescriptive in managing part of the Orientation.” McCourt believes that “VUWSA’s done a really good job getting a great lineup—given the conditions that we’ve had this year, we couldn’t have asked for better.” VSM isn’t exclusive to Victoria however, and OUSA (Otago University Students’ Association) seemed to have sorted out pretty good O-Weeks for both years under VSM. McCourt points to their relationship with Otago University, which is “definitely more consistent". Former OUSA President Logan Edgar, who organised an “epic” show featuring Shapeshifter, Shihad, David Dallas, Cairo Knife Fight and many more in 2012, points to forward planning. He claims the setup between Otago University and OUSA is similar, but their relationship is very good. "At the end of the day students want to come down here and have an awesome party... why would the uni try to stop that?” After all, “you lay claim to having the best O-Week in the country; you have to fulfil that.” Current Communications Coordinator for OUSA Alisdair Johnston agrees. “The University of Otago and OUSA have a solid working relationship which allows us to communicate a lot better than we have in the past.” So is there a problem with the relationship between the University and VUWSA? McCourt doesn’t believe there is an overall relationship problem, rather “it’s a problem with some people in the Uni thinking they can run Orientation better than students.” Note that “some people”. At least when

we have problems with VUWSA we have someone specific to whine to, somewhere we can whine in written form, and some means of whining via a democratic process (VUWSA runs annual elections where students select their executive). VUWSA is in no way perfect, but it is pretty transparent. Salient asked the University itself about Orientation, and the contracting issues surrounding it. “Funding is provided to VUWSA from the Student Services Levy to run a series of

Dunedin is a city

are important for meeting people, which is what you want when you arrive and barely know anyone.” Does Victoria O-Week have similar goals? Pam Thorburn, Director of Student Academic Services, describes O-Week as “a fun and diverse start to the year. Students can find out more about the University and the opportunities and support available to them, as well as take part in social events.” But do the troves of Wellington-born Victoria students “take part in social events”, or are hall residents the only ones who go? Wellington-born former Victoria student Michelle Ny didn’t go to her O-Week concerts because “I didn’t have anywhere to stay in the city”—something a hall resident wouldn’t be lacking. Another Wellingtonian explained that she didn’t attend because “[the events] are geared towards the out-of-towners anyway, well, people who were hick enough to think foam and toga parties were cool.”

for students, while Wellington is a city for civil servants. events, [...] VUWSA organises and agrees to the programme of events”, Rainsforth Dix, Associate Director of Campus Services, explained. McCourt doesn’t necessarily disagree with this explanation, but he does see the situation with a slightly different eye. “They are encroaching on territory that should be handled by students. They are making decisions about what happens at these events with a level of detail that is not appropriate for a university.” Again, we return to Otago - how are they doing things better? “I think [Otago University] value student input, students organising for students, and student-led orientation more than Victoria.” However tempting it is though, we can’t compare Wellington and Otago forever. The universities have similar populations, but Dunedin is a city for students, while Wellington is a city for civil servants. “Something like 90% of the people who come here aren’t from Dunedin”, explains Edgar. “You need [O-Week] to meet your neighbours, get some partying out of your system.” Wellington-raised Otago student Florence Isaacs agrees, “They

◄ ◄– 23 –►►

We aren’t all from here, though. The halls have more applicants than they can take. A week of “meeting your neighbours”, just like Edgar suggested, is needed. A widely diverse group of students come to Victoria; does a Neon Toga Party really appeal to all of them? Large scale music acts are about as universal as you can get with young people, and while Home Brew & Tommy Ill are talented and acclaimed artists, they don't exactly have ‘wide appeal’. We are paying hundreds of dollars for these events through our Student Services Levy, but the results don’t feel like they’re really worth it. As shown by Otago University however, they have the potential to–even under VSM. McCourt offers a light at the end of the tunnel, which is as nice a way to end this piece as any: an event later in the year with bigger acts. An event “where we can focus on what students want, and get the kind of acts that students here at Vic deserve.” Here’s hoping.


oppose gangnam style emily watson

We’ve all heard of it, and few of us are immune to the catchy beat and mesmerising clip of K-Pop Psy’s Gangnam Style. The YouTube hit made by the South Korean clocked a record one billion views last December and has become the latest cultural phenomenon. It has inspired countless parodies, ranging from 'Obama Gangnam Style', in which impersonator Reggie Brown jives with the ‘first lady’, to 'Kim Jong Style' poking fun at the North Korean leader, portrayed shouting orders at imprisoned citizens and stating that “the national pastime is to be oppressed.” In New Zealand, 'Gangnam Style' was the first foreign song in three decades to reach number one, leading to incidents both embarrassing and epic. (John Key attempted the dance on The Edge and the Silver Ferns made a stirring entrance to the Fast5 final, no prizes for guessing which one was embarrassing.) But for thousands around the world, the familiar horsey dance is serving another, hugely important purpose – it is giving people creative new ideas for political protest. On the Human Rights Day in December last year, hundreds of Cambodians gathered outside Phnom Penh’s National Assembly to hand over a 40,000 signature strong petition demanding an end to forced evictions. Massive land development projects have forced tens of thousands of poor Cambodians off their land and into even more impoverished conditions. “We want land rights!” the Cambodians shouted as they danced in unison. On the Gaza Strip, young Palestinians donned bandannas, leapt about the

sand and rode on donkeys while singing 'Gangnam Gaza Style'. Filmed solely with a mobile phone, the remake had a serious undertone, as the Palestinians profited from the tune’s international publicity to draw attention to the lack of fuel and employment opportunities under Israeli blockade. In China, artist and dissident Ai Weiwei, who had been arrested by authorities in 2011, posted a video of himself singing the famous song handcuffed. The next day, the video was blocked, yet in the space of 24 hours it had been viewed by thousands of Chinese. In New York, protestors dressed up in enormous Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Bashar al-Assad heads and danced outside a UN General Assembly meeting. Coincidentally, Gangnam Style can be read as social satire, poking fun at the affluent lifestyles of those who live in Gangnam District, South Korea’s version of Khandallah. You could reach the conclusion that happiness comes not from lavish spending, but from creating one’s own fun. Although he asserts that he is a 'Gangnam style guy', his ridiculous dance and habit of frequenting unsophisticated places like playgrounds, public baths and subways— even popping up on the toilet—make him, and, by extension, inhabitants of Gangnam, look a trifle foolish. However, to most people, 2012’s best horsey dance was simply a winning combination of pop and hilarity which quickly captured the public imagination. Once it got enough publicity, it went viral. As Psy insists: “it is the people who made the success.” Due to this success, 'Gangnam Style' has had an enormous influence in all walks of life. The great majority of its parodies and performances are designed ◄ ◄– 24 –►►

solely to amuse, but a few have some greater cause in mind, whether it be a political interest, or a concern for social justice and human rights. It is definitely worth a browse on YouTube if you have the inclination.

Top 5 Pol-Psy 5. Eton Style Watch spoilt bourgeois brats make asses of themselves completely oblivious to the flagrant homoerotic overtones. 4. Penang Style Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak’s sneaky attempt at populism when he arranged for Psy to perform at a rally ignoring cardinal political law. 3. Obama Style Romney could never have pulled it off. 2. Hitler Style Hitler dons Psy’s famous sunglasses and performs the tune for ten straight hours. 1. Gangnam Style John Key, David Cameron and Barack Obama have all performed the dance in public or in private. Fascinating, then, that Psy is actually making a culturally nuanced, subversive political comment on inequality and the contrived opulence and faux wealth of the wealthiest neighbourhood in Korea. Or perhaps he’s just a guy in a blue blazer who made a catchy song and dance. CAM PRICE


cut it out







 ♥



rn u lb ke












O-Week Fortune Teller

Pick a campus, then flap the fortune teller open one way then the next, counting out the number of letters in the word Pick a number and then count it out, again flapping the fortune teller back and forth Pick your lucky number, lift that flap and reveal your O-week fortune!

◄ ◄– 26 –►►


first year regrets The context is I went out with a really pale guy in first year when Twilight was at its peak. He got called Edward because people are really imaginative with nicknames. In the Twilight years of my adolescence I came across a boy who wasn’t like the others at Weirwolf House. With alabaster skin and a seductive collection of chicken-flavoured Easy Mac, which was only slightly Eclipsed by expiry dates, he was the Edward to my Bella. About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a boy. Second, there was a part of him - and I didn’t know how potent that part might be - that thirsted for my attention. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with his abundant array of YouTube videos. As Muse sang in Breaking Dawn, our love would be forever … or ten New Moons (which is totally close enough in first year).

One night after a debaucherous O-Week event I decided it would be a great idea to cool off in the big fountain in the field next to Weir House. After leaping in, diving under, and splashing around for a bit, I woke up the next day with a serious case of conjunctivitis in both eyes... Not the best way to make friends in your first week at Uni. Taking LAWS121 seriously. I made the mistake of talking to people in first-year Maths lectures. Imagine a turtle in sneans nervously retreating into its shell, and you get an idea of what I faced.

Not taking more advantage of the fact my pocketknife could unlock the pool table in Cumberland. I could have been a contender (in pool competitions).

Among a veritable plethora of first-year regrets, being evicted and subsequently trespassed from my hall of residence stands out. It’s never a good idea to come home from town at two in the morning and light a firework in the dining hall. Contrary to my prior belief, once lit, the wicks of fireworks cannot be extinguished with your thumb and forefinger. Safety wicks, see. Cue fire engines arriving at the hall, which shall remain nameless (it rhymes with Ware House), plenty of pissed-off evacuees (including a couple whose coitus was interruptus), and a hefty fine (which brought me to the brink of financial ruin). Lesson: don’t let off fireworks in the dining lounge. Let them off in the hallway instead - you won’t be caught by the bloody security cameras. Making small talk with old school friends. Reading Salient.

I posted a date advert in Salient with my friend when we were desperate for romantic attention.

I sat outside Big K for an hour during O-Week and didn't go in. I had terrible clothes, on that and every other occasion.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen: So You Want To Make a Toga? sofia roberts

Take the corner of a top sheet in one hand. Leave about 6-8" (15 - 20 cm) to spare. Hold in front of the top of one of your shoulders.

Drape the sheet snugly across your chest. Tuck it under the opposite (right) arm.

Going to Massey.

An inevitable and unavoidable precursor of a toga party is struggling to form a toga that a) covers a decent amount of your body, b) vaguely resembles an actual toga, and c) looks good. Well worry no more! Here is a step by step guide on how to make the perfect toga.

Wrap the toga around your back. Tuck it under the left arm and once more around the front of your chest.

◄ ◄– 27 –►►

Bring up the second corner. wrap under your right arm the second time and around your back, then bring the second corner up over your back. Secure the two ends with a brooch, pin, or simple knot.





pasifika orientation welcome

welcome to victoria in kelburn park



sausage sizzle




library tours (30 mins) 10:30AM, 11:30AM, 12:30PM, 1:30PM & 2:30PM — DEPART VIC INFO IHONUI, LVL 2 LIBRARY ENTRANCE VIA THE HUB (REPEATED DAILY)


mon mar 4th afternoon live @ kelburn 11 AM -2 PM — THE QUAD

tues feb 26th pasifika orientation CONTINUES

weds feb



maori students' — powhiri and welcome 10AM – 1 PM — TE HERENGA WAKA MARAE, 46 KELBURN PARADE







mY VICTORIA IT (60 MINS) 10:30AM, 1 PM & 3PM — KIRK LT 301




10:30AM – 11:15AM — HUNTER LT 323

ESSAY WRITING 10-10:45AM & 2-2:45PM — HUNTER LT 323

eSSAY WRITING 11:30AM - 12:15PM — HUNTER LT 323


sausage sizzle

pasifika orientation CONTINUES

sausage sizzle


12PM – 1:30PM — THE QUAD


12PM – 1:30PM — THE QUAD

tues mar 5th afternoon live @ kelburn 11 AM -2 PM — THE QUAD

afternoon live @ PIPITEA 11 AM -2 PM — BUNNY ST

◄ ◄– 28 –►►


weds m 




calendar 2013



pasifika orientation CONTINUES







mY VICTORIA IT (60 MINS) 11:30AM, 12:30PM & 3PM — KIRK LT 301

mar 6th



12PM – 1:30PM — THE QUAD


campus tours (60 MINS) 10AM, 12PM, 1:30PM & 4PM — DEPART VIC INFO IHONUI, LVL 1 VIA THE HUB

11 AM -2 PM — THE QUAD

mY VICTORIA IT (60 MINS) 11:30AM & 12:30PM — KIRK LT 301


(60 MINS)





pasifika orientation CONTINUES 9:30AM - 3:30PM — MURPHY 632



thurs mar 7th afternoon live @ kelburn

 campus tours




toga party — O-WEEK 2013

the big play out


sausage sizzle LIBRARY TOURS

fri mar 1st

thurs feb 28th


afternoon live @ TE ARO 11 AM -2 PM — FRONT OF DESIGN SCHOOL

◄ ◄– 29 –►►

fri mar 8th 

afternoon live @ kelburn 11 AM -2 PM — THE QUAD


know your The Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA) is the official representative body for students at Victoria. It has been defending our interests as students on and off-campus since 1899.


VUWSA works to improve the quality of education you receive, to advocate for adequate student support from the Government, to lighten up your student experience, and to keep an eye on the University. It also offers a range of welfare services and member benefits including a Community Pantry (food bank), free flu shots, bus tickets and a membership card with discounts for local bars and cafes. The Association stands for all students and anyone can become a member. The regular VUWSA Forums allow members to decide Association policy and direct the 10-person elected Student Executive. It also owns this magazine, Salient and sits on various University boards and committees. VUWSA’s alumni include Chancellor Ian McKinnon and MPs Andrew Little and Chris Hipkins. In the past it has been active in campaigns for student support, free contraception on campus and homosexual law reform. VUWSA makes volunteering and leadership opportunities available throughout the year, and elections for the Executive are held in Trimester 2.

You can find out how to get involved at



THE MCCOURT REPORT Kia ora! I’m Rory McCourt and I’m your student president for 2013. For those of you who are fresh-faced first-years, you made the right choice in coming to Vic. For those returning, welcome back. I remember when I first stumbled in through the Hunter gates; I remember the smell of the VUWSA barbecue mingling with the crisp Wellington wind. It wasn’t glamorous, but University life never is. In fact, often it can be a bit shit. But that’s why VUWSA exists—to make it less shit. Whether that’s through awesome O-Week events, our handy welfare services or helping to amplify your voice on campus, we take our job of serving students seriously! This year we’re going to work really hard to bring you new and better services, new member benefits and exciting opportunities. It’s the year we roll out our shiny new membership card, loaded with fantastic discounts like $5 house spirits, wines and beers at Establishment and cheaper jugs at the Hotel Bristol. We’ll also be announcing member-only gigs as the year rolls by. Your membership card is your ticket to a wicked student experience. So be sure to sign up! It’s also the year we finally have a real chance to get student discounts on buses and trains in Wellington. The campaign for fairer fares is one I’m really excited about. We’ll be promoting it heaps around Wellington, hosting forums for you to tell your stories of dealing with overpriced transport and launching an interactive website. In fact, you can head to right now to tell councillors it’s time they made it affordable for us to get to Uni. The fares are too damn high!

It’s also the year we campaign for warm, dry, affordable flats. For too long, prices in Wellington have been going up while our flats have stayed cold and damp. No doubt you’re paying over $150 for something barely liveable; I know I did. In fact, in the last 10 years, prices for the average flat have gone up 50 per cent! Heaps of our students are being forced to move further and further out from Kelburn. Some of our fellow students are even slumming it in the city’s night shelter while they scrounge for an affordable abode. That’s not good enough. We think it’s time landlords had to provide minimum standards for our flats.

Q. Who is the better President, you or Obama? A. Hillary. Q. Have you ever done a yardie? A. I use the metric system. Q. Would you describe yourself as a ‘hipster’? A. I used to opshop before it was cool. Seriously, ask my mum.

But to get fairer fares and healthier homes we need your help. This year, you’ve got a chance to get involved with these campaigns, and to decide what your students’ association should be focussing on. We belong to you. Finally, 2013 will be the year that we challenge the University to listen to what students want, to use your money on the services you value and to allow us to run our own Orientation and events. This is the year we students get our voice back, so that for 2014 things will be a little less shit. Q. Why should I join VUWSA? A. VUWSA is the most effective way you can help improve the quality of education at Vic, all the while getting access to the best student experience possible. Our amazing member deals and discounts, our array of welfare services and our undying commitment to keeping the Uni honest make a pretty sweet deal in exchange for a free membership. Q. What’s the best perk of being President? Do you get a badge? A. The other day I got colour printing. It was like Christmas.

◄ ◄– 31 –►►



know your


Gemma Swan Education Officer

Ramon Quitales Clubs & Activities Officer

Mica Moore Vice-President (Engagement)

Harry Chapman Campaigns Officer

Hi Victoria! My role as Education Officer is part of the wider VUWSA team and the Education team including Jay, your Education Organiser, and Sonya, your Academic Vice-President. As your Education Officer for 2013 I will be supporting Class Representatives, Faculty Delegates, and Committee and Board members. Everything the VUWSA Education team do is all about you, so we’ll be seeking feedback through surveys to make changes that benefit YOU. General academic inquiries, issues relating to courses, and representation for everything within our University community can be addressed to one of the Education team members, or me at!

Salutations! I’m the Clubs and Activities Officer for 2013. That simply means I’ll be working to support clubs at Victoria and make sure that they aren’t ignored. I’ll also get to help out with VUWSA events and activities (read: helping out at barbecues). Nothing too fancy.

I’m fourth year in a Master of Development Studies, fresh from adventuring in South America. Vamos! Watch this space. I hope to meet you soon!

Kia ora everyone! My name is Harry Chapman, and I’m Campaigns Officer this year. My job is to help VUWSA run effective, high-profile campaigns on important issues. This year I’m going to be working particularly hard on: 1) Fairer Fares—pushing for a tertiary student concession on public transport. 2) Warmer Flats—pushing to improve the quality of flats so that everyone has a warm, dry place to call home. 3) General tertiary education issues— including making sure students get a fair go on budget day.

Q: Is it now socially acceptable to be a Class Rep? A: Yes, the work that Bridie did last year really strengthened our representation system, and now the word is circulating about being a Class Rep, and it's more positive. Q: As an Officer, do you have powers of arrest if we don’t hand in our assignments? A: Yeah, I'm also an RA so I will confiscate your alcohol. Q: As a child, were you the ‘Ugly Duckling’? A: I would say yes, but my Mother Swan would naturally beg to differ, being a maternal bird.

I’m American by birth, but if someone were to ask me where I was from (ethnically), the answer would get a tiny bit messy. (I'm from Mexico... or am I? No one knows...) I am also a Law student who pretends to be overly arrogant, but that's all a cover. I just really want to be Batman. I will let you all know when I figure out how. Until then, get in touch at ramon. Q: Why is there a Clubs Officer when the University runs clubs? A: We believe in student control of student affairs. While the University has clubs today, we hope to have them back soon. Until that point, we’ll make sure the Uni is being fair to all clubs. Q: What’s your favourite night-club? A: It's a hot and sexy Latin American place called Gómez. You've probably never heard of it. Q: Why clubs? What’s so bad about diamonds, hearts and spades? A: For me, spades conjure up images of hard labour in a Russian gulag. And I wouldn't want to be the Hearts Officer—I wouldn't want my mistakes breaking any. But I'd really rather be known as the Diamonds Officer. Rest assured that I'm trying to convince them to change the title. I mean, who doesn't want to work with diamonds all day, right?

Where to start? Well, my name is Mica (pronounced Mee-sha, good one Mum and Dad). I'm fourth-year, studying for a Master of Development Studies, fresh from adventuring in South America. Vamos. This year I´d like to focus on three main areas. Firstly, to help you get involved, whether it be in clubs, rep groups, volunteering... Secondly, to help you have your say. Let´s lobby at Parliament and at Vic. Shout at us, too. We can change! Thirdly, let's get crazy. I want to put on events where we can all enjoy our strange existence together. Raves. Markets. Gigs. Watch this space. I hope to meet you soon! Q: How will you VUWSA engage better with students this year? A: LOOSA VOOOSA. Q: I am having trouble finding a suitor, do you help with marital engagements? A: There is such a service. You can find your soulmate at VuwCupid. Q: I’m trying to get through to Studylink, they are engaged. Please help? A: You have to learn to love Nature's Best. Dave Dobbyn is your friend. Your frriiiiieeennnnd.

◄ ◄– 32 –►►

If you want to get in touch, send me an email at: Q: What campaigns will VUWSA be running this year? A: The main campaigns I'll be focussing on this year are Fairer Fares, Warmer flats and general tertiary education issues—giving Victoria students a strong voice. Q: Can you get VUWSA to get a student cat? A: I'll do my best! I feel like getting a cat, and then emblazoning it with a VUWSA-branded cape would be a great way to raise awareness of the fact that VUWSA even exists. Q: As Campaigns Officer, how quickly can you get #VUWSAcat trending? A: Hopefully the VUWSA cat trend will have exploded and already been forgotten before you even go to print!


cost, high benefit services. The second is that VUWSA reporting (including minutes) is up to date and available to you as a student. The third is to be like all VUWSA executives, to be accountable to the wider student body. Please feel free to contact me via email at if you wish to discuss any issues you have around VUWSA finances and reporting, or to meet to have a discussion.

Sonya Clark Vice-President (Academic) Hello, I'm Sonya! I grew up in Hawke’s Bay and study English Lit and Sociology, and am passionate about education – which is why I’m very excited to be your Vice-President Academic for 2013. As I see it, my role is all about making sure you have the best educational experience possible in your time at Vic. This year I want to have a big focus on keeping you as informed as I can on the (frequently confusing) processes and pathways you’ll be engaging with in your time here. These can be big or small, so whether you’re having serious problems with a course or lecturer, or just looking to request your exam papers back (yes, you can do that!), I want to help you out. I’m committed to making sure you’re being treated fairly, and getting good value out of your time studying here at Victoria! Sonya Clark is on a boat in Japan, we suspect our questions in a bottle ended up with Happy Feet.

Jordan McCluskey Treasurer-Secretary My role involves three main functions. The first is ensuring that VUWSA finances are in order so we can continue to provide students with low-

Q: How will you make VUWSA more efficient in 2013? A: Short, efficient answers to questions from Salient. Q: Where is the treasure hidden? A: The Lonely Mountain, home of the dragon Smaug. Q: Why am I so poor? A: (a) Opportunity costs involved in gaining a tertiary qualification. (b) Bourgeois tastes in fine cheese. (c) Owning and operating an iPhone 5 on part-time earnings. (d) The IRD.

Rick Zwaan Wellbeing & Sustainability Officer I’m the newly created Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer. My long tittle basically means that I help with the Welfare team on things like the Food Bank, Flu Shots and Stress Free Study Week. But I also get to run campaigns to get Fairer Fares on public transport, and our Healthy Homes campaign for warmer flats. I also work with the Carbon Neutral Campus team to help make our University more sustainable for future generations. When not in meetings, working at Zealandia or studying, I enjoy chilling in Welly’s cafes, sailing, making films and going snowboarding. Q: How do you plan to make Vic more sustainable in 2013? A: By making sure the newly installed recycling bins are used, creating a

carbon-neutral campus plan, and ensuring students can afford to get to Uni on sustainable transport. Q: What do you do if you go to the supermarket but have forgotten your green bag? A: I try to carry it but if it's too much then I'll get a bag and reuse it. Q: Recycling used tissues, yay or nay? A: Nay, put them in the compost. All recycling needs to be uncontaminated.

Simon Tapp Vice-President (Welfare)

Matthew Ellison Equity Officer I’m the VUWSA Equity Officer for 2013, and the first person to hold the role. The Equity Officer is tasked with ensuring that all students have equal access to services, support, academic success and participation opportunities at Victoria, and has a focus on welfare issues affecting students. They work alongside specific groups on campus including Maori, Pasifika, women, queer, international and disabled students, generally through the rep group structure. You can get in touch with me at When I’m not Equity Officer-ing I’m watching a lot of sci-fi, living on the internet and eating a lot. Q: How will you be promoting equity in 2013? A: I will be working predominantly through the representative group structure, providing resources and support to groups like UniQ , the Women's Group and Can Do, to enable them to be the primary advocates for equity at Vic. Q: We’re all equal, but you have to admit that Beyonce is better than the rest of us, right? A: Duh. She is perfection. The Superbowl, man! Feeling pretty homoflexible right now. Q: If Marriage Equality passes, does that mean I can marry my dog? A: Yes. In fact I've already pre-married several canine-human couples in preparation for the passage of the Bill!

◄ ◄– 33 –►►

Kia ora, I’m Simon, your VicePresident (Welfare). I reckon I’ve got the best job on Exec - I get to look after all those things that make your life a little bit easier: the VUWSA food bank, free bread, free flu shots, Stress Free Study Week, Hardship Grants, and heaps more. Everything we do is all about you, and I want to make sure we do it well; I’m focused on improving the quality and consistency of VUWSA’s services. I also head the Welfare Team, we’ve got some cool stuff underway, like lobbying for cheaper public transport (we’ll need your help here – details soon), and warmer, healthier homes for students (invest in a warm coat now – winter is shit, trust me). Ultimately, I’m here to help, and would love to hear from you. Get in touch on and I’ll see what I can do! Q: How will you improve student welfare in 2013? A: IN SO MANY WAYS. I'm pretty excited about doing all of the above, plus if there's anything you think I've missed, let me know and we'll make it happen! Q: Can we haz some free shit? A: Yes! As a crazy green socialist I believe that everything should be free, always, which kinda explains why I work in Welfare. Also, actually yes: notably barbecues, wall planners and hugs. Q: I’m cold. Can I borrow a jacket? A: And the shirt off my back!


REP GROUPS law students' society

can do

The Victoria University of Wellington Law Students’ Society—VUWLSS for short—is a representative group run by law students. Essentially, it is for you, run by people like you.

Can Do is a representative group for students with disabilities. We also welcome any students who are supportive of our goals of support, visibility and recognition. Our aim is to provide a group environment that is both social and supportive of people with disabilities.

VUWLSS’s purpose is to support and enhance the legal education of its members. We foster this directly through our education initiatives. We organise seminars and speaking functions, two mentoring programmes, and 200-level study groups. We also run competitions— Mooting, Client Interviewing, Negotiation, and Witness Examination—which Victoria has a proud history of succeeding in nationally and internationally. We also put on an array of social events, including: the headline event of the year, the Law Ball; the prestigious, high-class Cocktail Night; the always debaucherous T-Shirt Night; the newly added Law Steins; and an array of other great events. Everyone is welcome! We are based down at the Law School in G16 and can be contacted at Pop in whenever!

VUW Science Society The VUW Science Society is a representative group for all students of the sciences at Victoria, and we also welcome students with an interest in science. Our calendar contains a mix of exciting social events, such as the Science Society Ball and the infamous Rubik’s Cube Party, and educational events such as speaker nights and visits to the observatory and Zealandia. We also help connect science students with the wider science community, enabling them to get involved with exciting research and employment opportunities.

We are able to provide information and support, liaison and advocacy services to students, and aim to have a number of social events throughout the year. We can be contacted at, you can join our Facebook group (Can Do at Vic).

UNIq victoria Welcome to UniQ Victoria, the queer representative group, and a social and supportive space for queer students and their friends. It’s a great place to meet people and hang out in an environment that’s both safe and accepting. We run regular lunch hangouts on Wednesdays in the Hunter Lounge, as well as parties and other events throughout the year. UniQ also runs specific events for minorities within the group, through the Girls’ Group, which meets fortnightly for drinks, and the Gender Club, which meets to discuss and educate on issues relating to non-cisgender identities. UniQ runs a queer mentoring service, which provides safe, anonymous access to an experienced buddy. We’re flexible, and whether you want to meet in person, or just chat via email, we’ll do whatever we can. Contact queer. website:

We will be running a meet and greet Science Society barbecue at the beginning of Trimester 1, check soon for details on Keep in touch at: web: facebook: www.facebook. com/vuwsciencesociety email:

VUW Commerce Students’ Society Commerce student or not, you’ve got to love VicCom. The Victoria University of Wellington Commerce Students’ Society (VicCom) is the official representative body for Victoria Business School students. VicCom will be kicking off the year with giveaways and prizes at our clubs week stall, including an iPad, Bluebridge travel voucher and Exodus gym memberships. A student social event and the annual Ernst & Young Comedy Night will follow clubs week and planning for the —

◄ ◄– 34 –►►


well-anticipated Commerce Ball has already kicked off. We realise that studying isn’t all fun though; VicCom works with VicCareers to bring commerce students invaluable educational events and career development to find that first rung on the career ladder.

PASIFIKA STUDENT'S COUNCIL Greetings, talofa lava, kia orana katoatoa, malo e lelei, ni sa bula vinaka, fakaalofa lahi atu, taloha ni, yu orait no moa, halo olgeta, helo ibou mui ai, kam na mauri, aloha kakou, tena koutou, tena koutou, tena koutou katoa! The Pasifika Students’ Council (PSC) is a representative group for Pacifika students at Victoria. Whether you are from Aotearoa or abroad, Palagi, Maori or Pacific mix, you are welcome to join the Council!

Please contact us at: web: email:

WOMEN'S GROUP Women's Group is a representative group at Victoria dedicated to discussing and learning about feminism, striving for social change, representing the interests of women to VUWSA and having a whole lot of fun! Women's Group welcome all feminists at Victoria, regardless of age, sexual orientation, culture, religion or political beliefs. Among many others our activities have included the "who needs feminism?" campaign, and social night movie fundraisers for relevant causes. These social nights are a great way to discuss feminism and meet other like-minded people. We hope to expand our membership this year and have many exciting things in stall for 2013, so keep an eye out for our AGM which will be advertised in Salient during Trimester 1! Students are actively encouraged to contact VUWSA Women's Group: email: facebook:

STudio We’re STUDiO, a student association run by Design and Architecture students, for Design and Architecture students. STUDiO aims to ensure that students have access to the resources and information they require, as well as opportunities to immerse themselves in their field, through competitions and events. STUDiO organises recreational activities throughout the year; we think that it’s important for students to let off steam from time to time. Whether it’s one of our free barbecues, student drinks, or the Architecture and Design Ball in August, there’s something for everyone. STUDiO events are affordable for all students to attend (bring your friends from Kelburn, Pipitea, and Karori) and are always good fun. As well as running events, STUDiO also negotiates student discounts with local businesses, and can subsidise entry fees if you’re interested in attending a design or architecture related conference or competition. You’re already a member, so you can capitalise on these benefits and opportunities whenever it suits you.

We will be running various events throughout the year, and on March 15th, we will welcome you ‘Island style’ with our yearly gathering! Watch this space for what we have in store for your voyage this year. Find us during clubs week, and come sign up and have some sapasui. Add us on Facebook and look out for more exciting events. You’re welcome to come in and enjoy a cuppa with us anytime at Pasifika Haos, 15 Mount St, Kelburn. We are committed to success, committed to equity/ equality, committed to serving you and community at large. We look forward to being a part of your journey here at Victoria! email: phone: 04 463 6242 text: 021 207 4733

nga i tauira Nga i Tauira – the Maori students’ association, represents the interests of tauira Maori studying at Victoria University. Nga i Tauira provides a number of services to tauira including advocacy and support, scholarships and funding, representation of academic boards and councils, national representation, social networking, and pastoral support. website:

Postgraduate Students' Association Hello gentle Salient reader! It is my pleasure to introduce you to the Postgraduate Students' Association - you may call us PGSA. We are the representative body for postgrads at Victoria. "But wait!" I hear you say, "I am studying Honours". Well, how convenient, because we work for all students studying at 400-level or above. Not only do we represent you on various University committees, but we also provide great events, both social and academic. The best way for us to get to know each other a little better is for you to visit our shiny new website: We look forward to seeing more of you! Hugs and kisses, PGSA.

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services Student Counselling Service 2013 On behalf of the Student Counselling Service, welcome to campus! Our team wishes you the best as you kick off this new academic year. During your studies, there may be a time when you would benefit from using the Student Counselling Service. We want to introduce you to the service, what we offer, and how to use our services. The Student Counselling Service has eleven counsellors, a part-time psychiatrist, a Maori counsellor, and three mental health coordinators who offer experienced and expert short-term support and counselling. Services are offered over the four campuses and you will also see us out and about as we are involved in the Healthy Minds at Vic mental health promotion and education across the University. The shared passion of the staff is to support your academic and personal success. In times of stress, it can be comforting to talk to an objective person in a safe and confidential setting.

Why Come to the Student Counselling Service? Study can be challenging both academically and personally. At each stage of study, whether you are just beginning your academic career, in the middle of your degree program, or preparing to graduate and seek employment, challenges exist. Students contact us for a variety of reasons such as the following: ► ► ► ►

low mood ► relationship issues ► loss of motivation stress ► isolation ► family problems ► flatmate issues anxiety ► homesickness ► exam anxiety ► identity ► sexuality drug and/or alcohol use ► concerns for someone else

Some people may feel uncomfortable or reluctant to seek help at the onset of a concern as they fear that seeing a counsellor means that something is 'wrong' with them. Students tell us that talking to someone results in a sense of relief in knowing that someone is available to help design a workable plan that will increase the probability of success.

Student Counselling Service Education Groups

of helpful topics and teach useful skills that will help you both at University and throughout life. These groups run each trimester. Check our website or contact the service to learn more and sign up. The groups are popular, so sign up early to ensure a spot! The service also works with The Recreation Centre to design a free individual fitness and wellbeing programme for students who experience low mood. Your counsellor can refer you to this programme. Again, welcome to campus. Know that we are here if you need us!!

Appointments The service provides a range of appointments to fit your needs: ► Brief Appointments ► Counselling Appointments ► Emergency and Crisis Support

In addition to sixty minute counselling appointments we offer brief appointments if you need to speak to someone about a quick question, want to find out where to go for further assistance or need a letter of support to your course coordinator. The reception staff will help you to decide which appointment is right for you.

Website: services/counselling Kelburn campus: Tel: (04) 463 5310 Mauri Ora Level 1, Student Union Building Te Aro campus: Tel: (04) 463 5310 School of Architecture and Design, Vivian St Karori campus: Tel: (04) 463 5310, JW Scott Library, Donald St. Pipitea campus: Tel: (04) 463 7474 Level 2, Railway West Wing. Email:

The service also provides free educational groups that cover a range

student learning support Student Learning Support offers a range of study skills workshops this week and throughout the academic year, so visit them on Level 0 of the Kirk Building to check out everything they offer. Make sure you pick up a copy of their booklet CAMPUS CONNECTIONS – your guide to workshops and activities on campus.

wgtn hall WGTN Hall offers a great opportunity for non-Halls students to be involved in lots of exciting activities and events…

Website: FAcebook:

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Victoria University Student Health Service Te Ratonga Hauora Tauira Wondering about healthcare while you are studying at Victoria University?

PHO Enrolment

Wonder no longer - the Student Health Service (SHS) is available on campus for all your healthcare needs, including appointments with doctors and nurses, repeat prescriptions, referral to specialists and support for students who have ongoing health conditions. The SHS is dedicated to providing healthcare for you while you are studying at Victoria. If you have any concerns regarding your health, contact us. Our main clinic is located on the Kelburn campus with a smaller clinic at Pipitea campus. We offer all the services you would expect from a regular medical centre, while also having an understanding of the many issues which students may encounter while they are studying. We provide confidential medical and nursing care delivered by fully qualified, professionally registered and experienced doctors and nurses who enjoy working with students.

Services include but are not limited to: ► Treatment for illnesses and/or injuries ► Consultation and support with sexual and reproductive health

issues, e.g. STI (Sexually Transmissible Infections) checks, cervical smears, contraceptive advice including the emergency contraceptive pill, prescriptions for the contraceptive pill, condoms and other methods of contraception ► Support with making healthy lifestyle changes such as stopping

smoking, reducing weight, discussing alcohol and drug issues ► Guidance and management of ongoing health conditions e.g.

All students who have paid the Student Services Levy can use the SHS. We are a Very Low Cost Access practice. Students who are New Zealand residents have the option of enrolling as patients at the Student Health Service and joining Compass Primary Healthcare Network which is our Primary Health Organisation (PHO). Enrolling with the SHS will substantially reduce the cost of healthcare appointments (currently free for routine consultations). Students who are not enrolled as patients at the SHS are able to be seen on a casual/occasional basis and will be charged a consultation fee. The PHO enrolment process is quick and simple, done by completing and signing a one page form (available on our website). You will be asked to choose us as your main healthcare provider while you are at Victoria. There are many reasons why it would be helpful to choose us as your main healthcare centre, we are convenient, we provide lots of different services and we specialise in the care of university students. It is important to understand that when you enrol with us your medical records will be transferred to the SHS. If you do visit your previous medical centre you will be charged there as a casual patient. If you decide to stay enrolled with your current medical centre you can still be seen at the SHS as a casual patient. Student Health can be very busy during the year. In 2012 we provided over 41,000 individual consultations. We recommend booking ahead for routine and planned appointments. We are able to respond promptly to students with urgent health needs, and our nurse triage team prioritise on the basis of clinical severity. Enjoy your time at Victoria and remember, if you would like to talk to someone about your health, contact Student Health Services.

asthma, diabetes, epilepsy, mental health ► Immunisations including the Meningococcal C, Measles Mumps

Rubella, Pertussis (Whooping Cough) and influenza (flu) vaccines ► Medical assessment for immigration, diving, and driving as well as

travel care ► Skin cancer screening and minor surgery for moles, lumps and

bumps ► Management of psychological issues including anxiety and

To find out more about this please visit our website at www.victoria. or better still come and visit us in person. Kelburn: Mauri Ora, Lvl 1, Student Union Building { 463 5308 }

depression ► Specialist consultations for skin (dermatologist), mental health

(psychiatrist) and final year student dietitians are available via referral from our doctors.

Pipitea: Student Services, Lvl 2, West Wing, Wellington Railway Station { 463 7474 }

Physiotherapy The Victoria Physiotherapy Clinic is available to all students at heavily subsidised rates, especially if you are happy to see a final year physiotherapy student. We provide assessment, treatment, and preventative advice for all muscle and joint problems. Doctor referrals are not required, just contact us directly to book an appointment.

Website: Email: Phone: (04) 463 5257 Physio clinics are located at both Kelburn and Pipitea’s Student Health Service.

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CLUBS Don’t reach the end of your time at Victoria only to realise all you have to show for it is hours spent in the library, a huge student loan, and a bit of paper with your name on it. Broaden your horizons and join a club - it looks good on your CV, and hey, you might even make some friends while you’re at it! There are hundreds of clubs that you can join at Victoria—for more information head to, or contact your clubs of choice directly using our handy guide below. MARTIAL ARTS Aikido — Eskrima — Capoeira Resistencia — gillarlaur@myvuw. Karate (Goju Ryu) — Rembuden Kendo Club — rembudenkendo@ Taiji — Taekwon-Do — victoriataekwondo@gmail. com International Taekwon-Do (IKTD) — VUW TKD — WATER BASED Canoe — Dive Club — wellingtonuniversitydiveclub@ Rowing Club — Sailing Club — SPORTS Badminton — com Badminton (Staff & Postgraduate) Cycling & Gym Club — evanslee@myvuw. Fencing — Flying Disc — Football — victoriauniversityfootball@gmail. com Futsal — Handball (VU) — Hockey — Netball Club — Rugby League (Hunters) — moana. Rugby (Old Boys University) — obu@cv2. Victoria Surf — Tramping Club — PERFORMING ARTS Ableton Music Workshop — kableton@

Circus and Performance Skills Club — Dance With Me @ Vic — POLITICAL VicNats — 027 331 0567 VicLabour — LegaliseLove Wellington — legaliselove@

HUMANITARIAN/SOCIAL MOVEMENT Amnesty on Campus — AIESEC Victoria — Gecko — International Socialist Club — Life Choice at Vic — lifechoices-vic@gmail. com Twinkle Child Foundation — twinkle. UN Youth New Zealand — wellington@ Victoria International Development Society (VICIDS) —

Malaysian Students Organisation (WMSO) — Melanesian Students of Wantoks — Samoan Students Association — vussa. Tongan Students’ Association — vuwtsa@ Victoria International Exchange Club — Vietnamese Students Association — svvn. FACULTY GROUPS

Brewing Society — Business & Investment Club — nz Debating (DEBSOC) — contact@vicdebsoc. Toastmasters Club —

Anthropology Society — vuw. Conservation Biology — kerrycharles@gmail. com Can Do – (Disability) — lucy.m.croft@gmail. com Criminology Society — vuwcrimsoc@gmail. com Engineering Club — Geology Society — League of Makers (LoM) — info@ — www. Pasifika Students’ Council — Psychology Society — vspsexec@ STUDiO — VicCom – Commerce Students — info@ Women’s Group —




Science Fiction Films — scificlub.vuw@ GAMES & GAMING Gaming Club — Roleplaying and Games Club — LANGUAGE, CULTURAL & INTERNATIONAL Chinese Language Club — Chinese Students' Association — csavuw@ Fiji Student Club — damien_97@hotmail. com French Club — German Club — Indian Multicultural Club (IMC) — vic. Indonesian Student Association (WISA) — Latin American and Spanish Club — vuw.

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Human FM Radio — humanfmcontact@ Salient Magazine — VBC Radio (Victoria Broadcasting Club) — RELIGIOUS Christian Club — Christian Union — Elim Church - Victoria — students@wn.elim. International Christian Fellowship (ICF) — Huge@Vic (Arise Church) — bradley@ King’s Church — Muslim Students’ Association (VicMuslim) — Student Life — SCIENCE Science Society — vuwsciencesociety@ Vegans@Vic —

 ~ COLUMNS ~

laying down the law

Weekly Rant

avoiding arrest 101

ATTN: first years Elise Munden For many people, Year 13 Prize-Giving marked the height of their self-worth. The raucous applause of parents who pretended to care that you were Top of English; getting your photo taken with the Cup for Contribution to School Debating; the Head Prefect’s speech–punctuated with tears–while the music teachers wiped their misty eyes with the Kleenex they had stuffed up their sleeves; the Chairperson of the Board of Trustees who constructed their entire speech out of quotes from inspirational world leaders... these were the Wonder Years.

emma smith There’s nothing worse than spending the last of your living costs for the week on a box of beers (eating’s cheating, right?) only to be stopped on your way to town and told to tip it out. The only thing that could possibly ruin your night further would be missing out on the chance to get lucky with that hottie from your hostel because you have to spend the night at the police station. Luckily for you, the folks down at Law School have got your back.* Extensive research has taught us about the most common mistakes, and we’ve got some tips on how to avoid them. Chop it or drop it All of the central city area is subject to a 24/7 liquor ban, and so are surrounding areas of Oriental Bay, Mt Vic, Aro Valley, Mt Cook, and Newtown (but not Kelburn). Even if you haven’t opened a drink, they can ask you to tip it out if they believe that you intend to drink in a liquor ban area. This means that you’ll probably get away with carrying a box to your mate’s place, but you’re unlikely to get away with having a couple of cans shoved in your pockets for the walk to town (and you definitely won’t get away with drinking from your wizard stick). Peeing in public You’re liable for a $200 fine under the Summary Offences Act if you get caught. You might not know that you can get around this - it’s a defence if you have reasonable grounds for believing that you wouldn’t be caught in the act. Use your judgment - this might be hard to argue if you’ve popped a squat on the side of Courtenay Place. FTP Don’t be a dickhead, but remember that you’ve still got rights. You’re generally not required to give the police personal details such as your name or address unless you’re driving (let’s hope not), you’re in a pub and they think you’re underage, or they’ve already placed you under arrest. You also can’t be required to go to the police station unless you’ve actually been arrested, and you can’t be forced to make a statement in any circumstances.

Now you are at University. Now there are no award ceremonies or A4 certificates drawn up on Microsoft Word to cater to your small academic achievements. Yes, young grasshopper, a feeling of self-worth is not so easily attained without the comforting bling of your Prefect badge. So how does one make the transition upstream from the provincial pond to the city sea? Maybe you will find your niche amongst the bubbling proles who that Courtenay Place every Saturday night, where success is defined only by your ability to hook up to the tune of Top 40 remixes as if it’s your first ever house party and you’re 15 years old. Everyone can find love amidst the amorous smells of warm alcohol and Lynx Africa. Maybe you will work on your mad Ableton Live skillz, crafting your DJ set to perfection until you finally get a gig at Cosmic Corner every other Thursday night, playing a brand new 'original' remix of ‘Good Feeling’. Want the advice of a second year student who changed their BA major seven times last year? Probably not. I don’t even want my own advice. But for the sake of student journalism, here it is. Relax, kids. And be selfish. You are finally free to not live up to expectations. High school was a breeding ground for competition amongst peers. Everyone was aware of the awards up for grabs, the limited leadership positions available, and the few members of the first XV who were actually worth sleeping with. Now there is no metric system of success by which to measure each individual. The sooner you realise that the Wonder Years are over, the sooner you can work on personal goals of selfbetterment. You’re the only person who is going to care about these personal successes, and soon enough you’ll find that achieving your own, wayward goals is much more gratifying than a cheaply-printed certificate, anyway. Winston Churchill once said “The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.” I feel this should inspire you, but if not, well, inspire yourself.

* Disclaimer: The phrase “got your back” is used to denote swag and should in no way be construed as an indication of actual legal advice. So have fun this O-week, stay safe in the city, and, if you need actual legal help, talk to a real lawyer.

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'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact to air your dirty laundry.

 ~ COLUMNS ~

things that go bump in the night Marilyn Monroe once said, “We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” Well amen to that. Sex is one of our most primal instincts; it relieves stress, burns calories, decreases blood pressure and can make you feel freaking awesome. It is no secret that being a student is a stressful time and can be hugely emotionally and physicallytaxing, so as Salient’s new sex columnist I plan to bring a little more sex positivity to your week, one column at a time. The most successful relationships you will ever have in life will be built on a foundation of honesty, and so it only makes sense for myself to embark on my relationship with you on an honest foot. Be very aware, there are not a lot of sexy things about one’s first year at university, be it undignified drinking games, crippling homesickness, or financial instability. But by far the most exhilarating aspect of this new era in your life is all these new people you are about to meet and all the crazy late-night adventures you are sure to embark on. Those of you who are new to this fine city will be split into two camps: those whose late night adventures will be guided by thrill-seeking, risk-taking, and alcoholfuelled behaviour, and those who will arrive home post-adventure, missing that beau (or belle) who is living in some other city. So it seems appropriate that I take this opportunity to share some advice on how to keep safe for those single and

Lux Lisbon is our resident sex columnist for 2013. If there is anything in your life they could help shed a little light on, or a topic you want them to cover, go right ahead and send a little inbox love to

ready to mingle, plus a few tips for those of you who now, post relocation, reside in a different city to your main squeeze.

Be Smart with your Sexual Encounters Given that each of you has chosen to embark on a journey to academic nirvana, you are well aware that being smart is sexy. And so long as you make smart choices when it comes to looking out for you and your sexual partner’s best interests, you’re both bound to have an excellent time. The best starting point for any sexual encounter is active consent, this means that both you and your partner are in a position where you can communicate to one another that you are totally down. This means that the two of you are sharing the load when it comes to instigating sex; you are in a position to communicate what you do and do not want, and there are no signs of doubt either verbally or physically. Additionally, I’m sure each and every one of you has been told in your career as a responsible sexual being that it is essential—when and if you choose to have sex—that you use one or more kinds of protection. And I am also sure that even the most responsible and well-prepared of us have cast caution to the wind and then had to deal with the possible fallout

If you have issues or concerns that you wish

lux libson w it h

later down the track. The best insurance against this kind of rash decision making is to be prepared: if you are heading out be sure to throw a rubber (or a whole box) in your bag in order to avoid heartbreak, be it an uncomfortable STI, unwanted pregnancy, or not getting laid at all.

Going the Distance As someone who has endured longdistance love, I can tell you the that three things of utmost importance are communication, trust, and trying not to be controlling of the other person. When it comes to the particulars of longdistance lovin’, be very aware that all too often the things you do online may come back to bite you on the arse. As much as you love and trust your partner, it is always a possibility that someday a picture you sent your sweetheart of your precious parts might end up online for the entire world to see. A phone call is a smart choice because little remains other than your post-orgasm glow once you hang up the line. Try giving your loved one an earful about the sexy things you can get up to next time you get to spend a little alone time together. Have fun, be safe, and if you have any questions - be sure to send them in. xx Lux you long time

to discuss privately and confidentially with a

Phone: (04) 463 5310.

professional, rather than Lux Lisbon, Student


Counselling Service can provide a safe place

Visit: Mauri Ora, Level 1,

to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential.

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Student Union Building.

 ~ COLUMNS ~

Fixing Your Life


environment and deception will soon earn you a nasty reputation.

Hi there, I’m currently sitting at my parents’ house, terrified at the prospect of attending Victoria as a first year. I’m about to move into a Hall of Residence, and, since I’m largely hypothetical, have absolutely no idea what to expect. Please, please, can you give me some advice on what to expect and what to do? Sammy the Snake

Hector Hi Sammy, here are my tips for the top: You’ll have more opportunities and spare time than you’re used to, so make the most of it and get involved. Writing for Salient might be the best decision you make this year, or maybe going to see your first real piece of theatre. Check out something like ‘Stand Up for Charlie’, staged right on Kelburn campus, as part of the annual Fringe festival. If you manage to score a pash at some point, you handsome devil you, remember: Secrets are not easily kept in a hostel

Respect the fact that everyone’s from a different background. I for one made the mistake of telling a fairly dirty joke to a misjudged audience on day one, and she hasn’t spoken to me since. But there’s only one way to find out! Look after your mates. Everyone is walking a tightrope of emotional stability right now and friendship is a great two-way street like that. If you were a sportsperson at high school and don’t plan on continuing, be aware that the lack of exercise—and increased beer intake—will lead to some outrageous weight gain. Be aware of this, and plan accordingly. Ignore the second years who tut at you in the hallways. If anyone snarkily points out your confusion about using buttons to open certain doors, fuck ‘em and push all the doors harder until you work out which ones are which – except the ones marked ‘Pull’. Yours in banter, Hector

JANET Why hullo, Sammy. By way of disclaimer, my advice blows. (If you “accidentally” read

that as ‘my advice is to blow’, make sure you don’t get emotionally attached–king single beds are not made for two.) Expect lots and lots of new people. It’s better not to stereotype them. If you end up doing so (I did), tell yourself it saves time (it does). Also expect: white rice, the smell of stale alcohol, a 'quotes wall', and a CRACKING SPEECH IN CIVIC SQUARE BY YOUTH WHISPERER RORY MCCOURT. Do take the vegetarian option at dinner, call your family regularly, consider getting a job if you have a lot of free time, try to learn people’s names (don’t refer to them inwardly as ‘guy with heavy boots’ or ‘girl with better arms than me’), and finally, eat a lot of Crème Eggs, as they are excellent. Do not take yourself too seriously, get with your next-door neighbour or anyone else on your floor, add your RA on Facebook, heat up Butter Lovers in the shared floor microwave, immediately disregard your high-school friends upon arrival in Wellington, wear leggings as pants outside, wear makeup to breakfast, or let on (yet) that you know all the words to ‘Fergalicious’. In solidarity, Janet M. de Silva (MREINZ)

F.A.Q. Q: I am a knee-jerk social conservative and I hear university is full of liberals, how do I articulate my views while still making friends?

non-drinking floors smell better on Sunday mornings. They are quieter. You can drink on other floors. Relax.

A. If a blue-eyed guy with a cigarette behind his ear tells you that your position is indefensible, your position is indefensible. Or so I’ve heard. That is by no means a personal anecdote.

Q. My high-school boyfriend dumped me over summer and we are in the same hostel. How do I deal with this?

Q. Why is Statistics compulsory for my Psych major? A. Because you need some grasp of statistical analysis to study Psychology, you n00b. Your end of the stick is the good one. Kind regards, everyone in their last trimester of a BCA that just remembered they have yet to complete MGMT101. Q. Is there a place here for my Moon TV nostalgia? A. Have here or takeaway? Q. I am on the non-alcohol floor of my hostel. Is that a bad thing? A. Don’t panic. This doesn’t mean that you have to have fun without alcohol. What a distant memory that is. As a general rule,

A. I am sorry for what I am about to tell you, but the hostel is full of girls that are willing and able to sleep with him and demand no commitment. He does not have to make any effort whatsoever given that they all live in the same building as him. As such, this year may be the peak of his life. If you are still upset over him, your best bet is emotional transferral. Alternitavely, make sure that every time your inhibitions are loosened you show up at his door asking why you weren’t good enough. Godspeed. Q. My RA is a babe, can I hit that? A. Look, you don’t want to be that person. Aim for your tutor. Q. My roommate is a babe, can I hit that? A. Yes! Of course. What could possibly go wrong? ◄ ◄– 41 –►►

Q. Why are people who’ve been here for longer so excited about the Campus Hub? A. Because they have waited longer than you can understand. Q. How do I ‘reinvent myself’ in a subtle yet effective way? A. This is, after all, a ‘new’ ‘chapter’ of your life. You are entitled to make new friends and do different things. Just try not to be a dick to the people that you already know. Also, don’t put an accent on your name to jazz it up. That almost never works. Q. What do I do with all this free time? A. Get a job. Exercise. Write for Salient – this way lies in-jokes! Take advantage of hostel wi-fi. Join a youth wing. (For a list of sociallyacceptable youth wings, consult a blank page). Languish in existential malaise. Make friends with kids from farms, because they get student allowance due to 'low' 'declarable income'. Q. I hate it here, can I leave? A. Yes, you *may* leave. At least have learned that.


SALIENT'S DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BEST BYOS & BARS SALIENT STAFFERS (Refer to our handy map on page 12 for locations)

Bars Hotel Bristol: Home to Wellington’s largest pool table pockets. A good place to watch sports with the proletariat, or just start the night. About as rural as you can get on Cuba Mall, if you are feeling homesick. Only 17, but have a somewhat decent-fake? You’ll be fine.

Good Luck: Good Luck has excellent shareable teapots–get your friend to buy the first one and then leave before it’s time for the second round. Avoid the dancefloor postmidnight unless you are after grinding. If you are, in fact, after grinding, then this might just be the place for you, just watch out for the sake bottles that line the walls.

Electric Avenue: Once in Electric Ave, a guy recognised me from a lecture. He had two different shoes on and gave me a number of emotional hugs, before apologising: “I just did like 6 lines bro, I’m a bit buzzy”. Don’t let the balding middle-aged male dancer outside

put you off: there’s a sweet goldfish tank in the back, and Wellington’s cheapest shots.

Four Kings: If you’re wanting to watch sport of any description, you won’t be better served anywhere else in Wellington. If you aren’t into sports, you are going to be very bored. Salient suggests use of the phrase “it’s a game of two halves”. Get in early for the major events, because it will pack out. The food’s not bad either.

Rain: A shining stainless steel beacon of ethnic diversity. If you leave your drink unattended, consider it immediately spiked. If you ever find yourself alone on Courtenay Place, head here to dance with the hype girl who is paid to pretend that the club is “going off”.

San Francisco Bath House: Home to the city’s finest balcony— especially if you need a cheeky highaltitude vom at one its ‘trendy’ international gigs. Good for live music and avoiding dudebros—it tends toward the ‘hipster’ end of the spectrum, but not as much as... ◄ ◄– 42 –►►

Mighty Mighty: Wellington’s quintessential hipster bar. Get ready to get intimate with some weird people in the tiny smoking area, because it is also the only place you can escape the music. Cheap bottles of Castlepoint generally offset the $5 or $10 door charge. The bouncer doesn’t let you in if you look too drunk or not ‘chill’ enough, or if you’re wearing something you bought first-hand.

Edison’s: Can’t decide if it’s trying to be a fauxupmarket lounge bar, a place to watch sports, or a club. Has one wall of the club open to fresh air. Serious groping commences post-midnight. Jaime Ridge has been spotted here more than once, do with that information what you will.


Hope Bros: Many bros, little hope. You can guarantee that you will hear the top five club songs at least three times a night, as well as whatever is big on the internet. This week, expect ‘Harlem Shake’. A certain Salient staffer accidentally ended up in the kitchen instead of the bathrooms once, which resulted in her stealing a frozen focaccia loaf and some shrimp in her leggings. Prepare for adventures.

Apartment/Motel/Library: It seems as if bars named after buildings are where you take your date if you’re out to impress. We would mention the Hawthorn Lounge too, but you probably can’t afford it.

Tokyo Tea House Don’t let the swanky name fool you. Situated below Mish Mosh, it basically operates as Mish Mosh’s squalid grinding dungeon. Be prepared to duck if you’re over 6’2”.

Boogie [The bar formerly known as “Boogie Wonderland”]

well, you aren’t far wrong. Seriously though, if you have a thing for unwitting Austrian tourists, Basement is your hotspot.

S&Ms / Ivy If you’ve spent the last five years languishing in the closet in a rural hellhole like Paeroa, Wellington’s gay venues provide an excellent chance to bust out of the closet, lube in hand. Dignity not included. The one straight friend of your group? S&Ms and Ivy are both a lot of fun, and you can still flirt with the bartenders for cheap drinks.

Lotus Lotus has two capacities: fucking empty, or fire-hazard full. A Salient associate discovered hooking up with the bartender won’t get you free drinks, but it will result in making his night better. Another associate discovered ‘inappropriate touching’ will get you kicked out. DJs are known to tell 3am-yawners to “fuck off”, and guest MCs aren’t above dropping an entire verse about certain patrons to impress the girls surrounding them.

Actually has a disco floor.The DJ is always keen and quite randy—flirt with him and he will play the Mamma Mia soundtrack. Watch out for cougars/your parents. Sneak away to the Alice-in-Wonderland-themed Alice (in the back) if you are after something a bit more relaxed.

The Establishment

Red Square


If you mourn the loss of the pole at the Big K, Red Square’s cages could be for you. If you regularly use the phrase “pull”, you will probably enjoy yourself.

Boston The place to go if you’re looking for an eclectic mix of schmancy cocktails and E-list Auckland celebrities. OMG, like, Brad from The Edge Nightshow!

Basement If the first thing that springs to mind when you hear the word ‘basement’ is Josef Fritzl,

Don’t. Although $5 spirits with a VUWSA membership card, holla.

Byos: A recent Salient investigation proved eating Ozeki noodles can in fact be a major challenge, but sculling your wine fast enough to avoid corkage isn’t so tough. Ozeki is good for large groups. Ask for anything with moving fish flakes after sculling the aforementioned wine and you’re in for a great night.

Satay Kajang The key with Satay Kajang is to keep your order as simple as possible, or you might be disappointed. This means staying in the under-$10 noodle and rice sections of

◄ ◄– 43 –►►

the menu. Lots of table space means you usually don’t have to book, but the staff are pretty ruthless with their kick-out time of around 10pm.

Oriental Kingdom Cheap, and feels like it. The expensive corkage is balanced out by the incredibly cheap food. The toilet light is often blown out, possibly by the matron’s shrieky falsetto. A TV on the wall provides entertainment in case your dinner companions are conversationally challenged.

Hede The more upper-market of Wellington’s top BYO jaunts, Hede offers a more traditionally Japanese style of decor for your boozy night on the sushi. On that note, watch out for the traditional bench-style seating tipping you and all your mates onto the floor when someone overbalances after one too many sake bombs.

Namastey India Namastey India once accommodated our group of 30 without a booking. Readers are invited to form their own conclusions on the reasons for their lack of existing patronage. The food, however, was excellent. Highlights include free corkage if you buy a naan, and erotic wall art (gourd-as-vagina).

 ~ COLUMNS ~

secret diary of Pat Walsh Dear Diary, Rough day today. Vicki didn’t notice my new schoolbag when I arrived this morning. Perhaps I should go out and come in again. Not a single compliment or acknowledgement of my fresh haircut, either. Don’t they understand how much effort goes into looking the same in every single photo? Consistency is key. On my way to the office a student stopped me and asked where MCLT101 was. From his flippant use of ‘bro’ I assume that he hasn’t read the prospectus. Otherwise he’d have recognised my hair. We both looked silently at the map on the wall for a few minutes before he wandered off to ask someone who claimed to be a ‘Campus’ ‘Coach’. I stared at the map a bit longer and looked at the compass function on my iPhone. I wonder when O-Week stopped being about orienteering. I’ve been weighing up the pros and cons of issuing a memo to all students on how to correctly pronounce VUWSA. Pros so far significantly outweighed by my belief in freedom of speech, and fear of students and staff peering around and whispering ‘who is Pat?’ The media coverage of my recent announcement that I will not be returning after the end of this year is absolutely atrocious.

penny gault

My name is Pat, not Pope. Must get the Media Studies department onto that. Vicki says that’s not their job. Well! It’s not her job to tell me what their job is. Or is it? Must ask her. Yesterday, I looked myself up on Google. Such fun! Apparently, the role of the Vice-Chancellor is all about coordination. But even I can’t work out how to get up those new stairs at Kelburn campus without looking like a newborn giraffe. More than a little embarrassing, when my go-to speech topic is the University’s facilities. Then again, I believe it’s good to expose students to new challenges. And goodness knows there are lots of different kinds of stairs out there. Similar, but different. I’d better get some rest. First thing tomorrow morning I have an important meeting to discuss whether we should have a meeting to decide whether we need to take a vote on whether I should have a Twitter account. Maybe I’ll get there a little early and have another go at those stairs. I can’t wait to see what sort of hat I’ll get for my graduation parade. Love, Pat xoxo

want to write for salient in 2013? email ◄ ◄– 44 –►►




music introduction! phillip mcsweeney

Hello newcomers! It’s always delightful seeing fresh faces as yet ungrizzled by the demands of academia! Realistically, I’m going to accept that you’ll be much too busy pashing totally exquisite babez at your hall/partying down in town/livin’ it up/imbibing all sorts of illicit substances and generally indulging in every base whim to worry too much about music at the moment. And that’s okay! No judgement here yo. But, dear reader, I beg of you not to give up on this column just yet. As the endorphins and euphoria wears off, you may find yourself looking to satiate musical cravings – and here in Wellington you are spoilt for choice you rotten shits. Here is a quick rundown of relevant venues, buskers and purveyors to explore at your leisure. Wishing u happiness and prosperity for the upcoming year xx


‘Your Venue Menu(e)’

‘Show me the goods’

‘Every Day I’m Buskin'

Mighty Mighty: 104 Cuba St

Popular wisdom has it that the advent of digital downloading has resulted in the dearth (if not the death) of physical media outlets. And while this doomsday prophesying does have some validity (RIP Real Groovy Wellington, we remember thee fondly) all hope is not lost. And I have the proof !

Beware of:

A tr00 1nd13 haven. According to (possibly apocryphal) rumours I’ve heard, one can get a full year's secret membership by making a twat of yourself in front of the owners. Salient recommends disrobing and jumping into the bucket fountain just in case. What do you have to lose?

Slow boat Records: 183 Cuba St

Best acoustics in Wellington full stop. Capacious and exquisite. The only downside is that only gigs that attract an audience of 1000+ are hosted here. I saw Bon Iver here last year incidentally. 1. It was predictably amazing and 2. Yes, I can see your look of vexation from here. SUCKAA.

An iconic Wellington institution that has curried favour with the likes of Thom Yorke, Justin Vernon and Regina Spektor, Slow Boat contains a truly phenomenal amount of music (a lot of it on the vinyl format, all you collectors/ audiophiles/hipsters out there) that spans an eclectic amount of genres and time-frames. Comparable only to Narnia, really, except that it’s real. Magical.

San Fran: 171 Cuba St

RPM: 140 Vivian St

Where ‘big’ shows that aren’t big enough for the Town Hall are relegated, San Fran is a pretty hip joint that proffers fine acoustics and a lovely atmosphere that gels best with hip-hop gigs and bands that veer towards the experimental.

The trendy-as-all-fuck new kid on the block offers an impressive array of new/pre-loved vinyl and an especially voluminous collection of electronica, hip-hop, and jazz.

Town Hall: 111 Wakefield St

Puppies: 188 Tory St Newish, and finding its feet with laudable promptitude, this venue is perhaps the most intimate and comfortable in Wellington. Just to set it apart further, it stocks a great selection of records for pretty decent prices. $$$$ Medusa: 154 Vivian Street To tickle your inner bogan/rock ‘n’ roller, this is the go-to venue for all things metal/punk/hard rock.

Vanishing Point Records: 251 Cuba St A wonderful nook near the top of Cuba that specialises in all things rock, owned by a cheerful, irrepressible, and lovely ol’ runk couple. In keeping with the runk aesthetic, the surroundings are grungier than the previous mentions. This look enhances rather than detracts from the appeal, and the owners are always willing to shoot the shit about anything from your favourite obscure post-hardcore band to U2 to the best concerts they’ve been to. Oh, and they effectively double as rock ‘n’ roll encyclopaedias. School yo’self. ◄ ◄– 45 –►►

Bob Dylan acolytes. There are two kinds of people in the world; those who can make his line "she breaks like a little girl" sound soulful, poignant and tender, and those who make it sound desperately creepy – not unlike those porn pop-up ads that promise an "18yo virgin TORN APART by HUGE COCK" when you’re just trying to look up some sensual James Deen or Faye Reagan action (though I’m more of a Stoya man myself). Sadly, most of Wellington’s innumerable Bob Dylan impersonators fall in the latter camp. And none of them know how to play anything off ‘Blood on the Tracks’. Hacks. The ‘Metal’ Busker – usually seen scowling at passers-by at the Railway Station, accompanied by a fearsome entourage of hooligans who smoke indoors and occasionally expectorate at those they deem unfavourable. Avoid.


film “If you’re playing the movie on a telephone, you will never, in a trillion years, have experienced the film.” Many of you will be thinking that these are the words of a crotchety Luddite, but the renowned David Lynch may have a point. The prevalence of torrenting and iTunes has certainly allowed us access to a greater range of films, but it has also deprived audiences of the unique experience that only comes from watching movies on the big screen. To help you become a true film aficionado we’ve prepared a little guide to the cinematic scene in Wellington. With the film team’s help you’ll soon be ruining conversations with such pretentious twaddle as: “Only barbarians fail to appreciate the multi-faceted narrative of Eraserhead”, and “Stop watching films on your fucking phone!”

where to go gerald lee

Film Archive: 84 Taranaki St This treasure trove is an essential stop on your journey to cinematic enlightenment. Cobbled together from an array of sources, the archive has a film to suit every taste, even if many of them are relatively unknown. Tickets are reasonably priced and there’s an adorable café next door with which to sate your appetite. You’ll never have to bother with ‘social interactions’ ever again! Readings Cinemas 100 Courtenay Pl Remember those unpleasant childhood memories of your local movie theatre? Bland popcorn, the cackling youngsters with laser lights, floors that seem to be lined with chewing gum. Readings gives you all this and more! Avoid unless you have a desire to plumb the depths of indecency. Paramount 25 Courtenay Pl To many cinephiles the Paramount is Wellington’s premiere theatre. It’s true that the


range of films is impressive, with an excellent mix of arthouse and foreign films. However, the complex is housed in a somewhat dilapidated building with poor soundproofing and agonising ‘sliding’ seats. Thankfully, renovations are improving the situation and if you find yourself in one of the couch-equipped theatres, or towards the front of the main theatre, then you will have a tremendous time. An integral, if slightly antiquated part of the local arts scene. Penthouse 205 Ohiro Rd, Brooklyn An exquisite venue, with a fantastic restaurant and a great range of films. Apart from the normal releases, it also plays host to a number of exclusives that are well worth your time. Unfortunately, it does require a treacherous trek out to the wasteland of Brooklyn, but urbanity requires a few sacrifices. Embassy 10 Kent Tce Not long ago I regarded the Embassy as a purveyor of mere blockbusters, complete with generic food and steep prices. A year later and my views have been proven to be haughty nonsense. With a broader array of films, lavish ‘Deluxe’ theatres, technological upgrades and an adorable downstairs bar, the Embassy experience ◄ ◄– 46 –►►

now lives up to the promise of its ostentatiously colossal screen. Light house Cuba 29 Wigan St A relatively recent addition to the pantheon of Wellington cinemas but a classy little gem nonetheless. Featuring adorable theatres, an excellent range of films, and an assortment of delicious snacks, the light house is the ideal place to see the latest hipster obsession. You’ll instantly feel superior to the plebs who scurry in and out of Readings.


books where to buy alex hollis

Arty Bees 106 Manners Street Arty Bees is one of the bigger Wellington bookstores, despite being second-hand. They’re open until 9pm most nights and until 10pm in the weekends, which is a brilliant way to pass the time while waiting for buses in winter. There’s a wide variety of books in stock but the quality is somewhat sporadic, as they buy almost anything. Definitely worth a go if you’re looking for cheap genre books; the fantasy and sci-fi section is massive. Upstairs there are technical books, shelves of literary criticism and biography, short story anthologies, some rare books, and sheet music: you can find pretty much anything there. See Also: Ferret Bookshop, Quilters. Parsons 126 Lambton Quay Up Lambton and in need of a book? Don’t want to go to Whitcoulls? (Well done on that). Try Parsons! It’s on the small side and more often frequented by businesspeople, but their prices aren’t bad and their fiction stock is adequate,

although mostly geared towards the classics. Where they shine is in academic non-fiction: there are some brilliant books on history and politics lurking in Parsons. They also have one of the only really comprehensive music collections left in the city outside of JB Hi-Fi (avoid – stench of unwashed teenage boy) and Slow Boat Records. Pegasus 204a Left Bank Cuba Mall If you’re new to Wellington the first place you should explore is Left Bank. Just off Cuba, it’s an awesome-yet-scummy enclave of cheap BYOs and great shops, including Pegasus, the best second-hand bookstore in Wellington. They have books going right up to the ceiling, in precarious stacks with hand-written labels, and have just got in a new shipment of imported books – there are some real treasures in that stock. It’s a bit of a shambles, with fiction divided between two rooms off the main store, so if you’re looking for a specific book you’ll have to check each section. But the beauty of Pegasus is less in seeking out a book and more in coming across something brilliant by accident. It’s definitely worth lingering and perusing all the shelves, even if just to appreciate the occasional touch of decor;

hand-painted signs about cats, for example. Oh and every $200 spent results in $20 store credit, dayum. Unity 57 Willis Street Unity Books is heaven. The best bookstore in Wellington by a long shot, I’ve legitimately never been unhappy there. The stock is amazing; there’s a great mix of contemporary and classic fiction, an emphasis on New Zealand literature, great art books, and lots of philosophy and politics. They also have a pretty brilliant loyalty card – after 10 purchases you get the average you’ve spent free. Free books! I can’t overstate this; go there. Gaze, browse, love. It’s not exactly set at student prices, so spend your courserelated costs (yes, all of them) wisely. There’s a New World Metro situated across the street for afterwards; go in, spend your living costs on eating your feelings, and cry. Then never go back. Unity is bad for your emotional health. And your bank balance.

Top 5 Novels set in Universities 1. The Secret History, Donna Tartt Beautiful, atmospheric, dark, charming, bohemian, bourgeois. Guaranteed to be the best book you read this year. 2. The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides Starts with a description of the protagonist’s bookshelf: the books page here at Salient thoroughly endorses this tactic. 3. On Beauty, Zadie Smith Race relations and gender politics in New England, set in a fictional university town called Wellington (fancy that!). 4. Disgrace, J. M. Coetzee Race relations and gender politics in post-Apartheid South Africa. 5. Making History, Stephen Fry Everyone’s favourite actor/comedian/quiz show host/techie writes funny novels about alternate universes and trying to kill Hitler.

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theatre Wellington’s Guide for Theatre Geeks and Creative Misfits DIANA RUSSELL

Welcome to O-Week. For all you theatre geeks out there, or if you just enjoy a good show, I’ve combed the city calendar to bring you a guide to some of Wellington’s upcoming stage shows and festivals. Over the next two weeks there’s something on offer for every taste, whether that be comedy, dance, music, or theatre. Kicking off a great start to the university year, we’ve got the end half of the New Zealand Fringe Festival. The Festival is communitybased and showcases a concentrated mix of talent across a variety of art forms including the comedy Gobsmacked: Showbiz and Dating. JTM Productions is showing this musical-theatremeets-cabaret romantic comedy about the single life, relationships and trying to make it in show business, at Meow Theatre, March 1st - 10th. Light Sleepers’ Wake pulls inspiration from T. S. Eliot, Tom Waits and Edward Hopper to create an original play about being twenty-something, drunk and trapped in a genre not your own. Can relate? Sounds familiar? Light Sleepers’ Wake is showing at BATS theatre March 2nd - 7th. Fringe is a festival known for being all-inclusive, so you don’t have to be a big-time theatre producer

Quick guide to Wellington theatres: An intimate wee venue, BATS Theatre is host to a variety of performances with relatively cheap ticket prices. Recently reopened in a new venue on the corner of Dixon St and Cuba Mall (the old Big K to those in the know), BATS is known for showcasing some of Wellington’s best independent theatre and brightest young up-and-comers.

Circa Theatre

to have your piece included in the festival. Definition of Me is a theatre production being performed in an unconventional space--a private flat off Cuba St. Co-written by its four cast members, Definition of Me explores how we each define ourselves and how this definition changes over time. March 4th-9th. Friday March 8th brings the premiere of Pinwheel Dance Theatre’s Gizza Hoon showing at BATS Theatre. Gizza Hoon explores the relationship between the Top 40 pop music and Kiwi society. Inspired by the YouTube generation and late-night Courtenay Place antics, Gizza Hoon shows each evening at 8pm, March 8th-16th.

For those of you who love a good comedy, or perhaps just the awesome natural health benefits of a good laugh, The NZ International Comedy Festival will have Wellingtonians hysterically entertained at The Opera House come April 28th. Hosting the show is 7 Days quizmaster Jeremy Corbett, who will be sharing the stage with a number of fellow comedians including Dai Henwood and Urzila Carlson.

If you’re one for being fully absorbed in your surroundings while enjoying a good show, then The Opera House is definitely worth checking out. Known for its superb architecture and stylish atmosphere, The Opera House is located on 111/113 Manners St, down the road from Arty Bees.

The Gryphon Theatre, located on the corner of Ghuznee and Egmont Streets, plays home to Wellington’s most successful amateur drama outfit, Stagecraft. If nothing else, Stagecraft does open auditions, making it a good place for young actors to cut their teeth before their third-year Company course.

Circa Theatre, Wellington’s foremost professional theatre, is found on the waterfront and has been around for over 30 years. With some of Wellington’s most respected theatre practitioners treading the boards and working backstage, Circa offers a wide range of high quality New Zealand and international plays in a variety of genres from comedies and dramas to musicals and pantomime.

77 Fairlie Tce is Victoria’s very own theatre. Most of the shows that go up in that sizeable space have their roots in the 200 level, 300 level and postgrad Theatre courses, and they’re often quite audacious for student pieces. Also worth keeping your eye on for the new talent coming through.

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visual arts While the idea of a whole new year of university may be daunting, keep in mind that somewhere nearby is a refreshing art gallery waiting for you to have an amble through. Here are six quick picks for those in search of an art fix. All are free to attend: sharon lam

Adam Art Gallery Between the Student Union Building and Old Kirk, Kelburn Campus, Victoria Uni, open 11am-5pm Tues-Sun A gallery right on campus! No excuse not to pop in and also probably the least-smelly place to spend a lecture break up at Kelburn. Highlights of this cosy gallery have included a life-size fibreglass seal balancing a chair and bike wheel on its nose, as part of a Duchamp-inspired collection. “21st Century Collecting” is currently showing until the 21st of April and features conceptual, photographic, and new media pieces from Victoria University’s own collection from the past decade.

City Gallery Civic Square, open 10am-5pm daily As Wellington’s foremost home for contemporary art and central location, the City Gallery is probably the most unintimidating yet comprehensive art gallery around, perfect for both first-time visitors and self-proclaimed art aficionados. The exhibitions are regularly changing, making for a different experience each time. Previous highlights include a giant head-shaped cave by Rohan Wealleans that allowed viewers to climb inside into a fluffily carpeted cranial space. The City Gallery also hosts film screenings, namely during the International Film Festival period in July-August each year. For casual outings, the gallery’s Nikau Café is also a mustdo, with a unique courtyard garden where the café’s own greens are grown.

The Dr Seuss Art Gallery 82 Cable St, open 10.30am-4pm Wed-Sun Oh this is one of the places you should go recently opened in October 2012, and one of only two Dr Seuss art galleries outside of the US, this neat little gallery is a must for any Seuss fan. Rare original illustrations and prints are on display, featuring familiar and not so familiar Dr Seuss creations. Hard-to-find Seuss-themed souvenirs are also available for purchase.

National Portrait Gallery Shed 11 by the waterfront, open 10.30am4.30pm daily Faces, faces, and more faces. Housed in the Shed 11 heritage building, the National Portrait Gallery provides an interesting-assorted of views of New Zealanders through their own eyes. Almost wholly consisting of paintings, the variety among the works is pleasantly surprising. The gallery hosts the Adam Portraiture Award biannually (next in 2014) which sets impressive portraits by both amateur and professional artists side-by-side.

ROAR! Gallery 189 Vivian Street, open 11-4pm Wed-Sat, 11-2pm Sun The beauty of this little gallery is that you can appreciate the art inside without actually going inside. Whether you’re unfortunate enough to be a first-year Architecture student making the daily commute between Kelburn and Te Aro and/or

◄ ◄– 49 –►►

stumbling past at 2am, the window front display offers all passerS-by a clear view of some sort of quirky and usually colourful display. The gallery specialises in outsider art, so diversity always abounds – even if you don’t go inside, at least walk past.

Te Papa 55 Cable St, open 10am-6pm daily Living in Wellington, you will no doubt find yourself sometime or other in the massive chunk of concrete along the waterfront that is Te Papa. It is well worth wading past the hordes of school groups to reach the quiet upper floors of the museum, housing a sizeable and varied collection of art by local and international artists, from classic to contemporary in sculptures and paintings. Alongside this staple collection, Te Papa also hosts changing short-term exhibitions - such as last year’s 200 Years of Wedding Fashion, which featured dresses belonging to Dita Von Teese and Gwen Stefani.

city gallery

ϟ puzzles ϟ


ACROSS 1. Con artist's trick 5. “C'mon, spill the beans!” 11. Number required for tango 14. It can follow sugar or candy 15. Get one's bearings 16. Crone 17. One who's really good at “Beatles Rock Band'? 19. It includes 'rithmetic and writing (if you misspell it) 20. “___QT” (M.I.A song) 21. It comes before :// 22. Without assistance 24. Highly-sexed ape 26. As good _____ 28. Small 70s club? 33. Like the sea air 36. They used to live in Cusco 37. Dimwitted person 38. Black-and-white cookie 39. Hans who led the German Resistance for five

years in WWII 40. Hang ten 41. Worker in a farm? 42. Killers song with the line “Remember Rio and get down” 43. Baseball or baking wear 44. Who to call when you have too much basil sauce? 47. A baker's has thirteen 48. Porn is meant to be this 52. Forest clearing 54. Actor Alan from “M*A*S*H” 56. Card game with 'reverse' cards 57. Harry's ginger friend 58. “Star Wars” character under his new ownership? 62. File-sharing and chat system 63. Lest 64. A bride might wear one 65. Casual shirt 66. What you might get during O-week 67. Important times

1. Scour 2. Egyptian capital 3. Kofi who was UN Secretary-General 4. “Family Guy” daughter 5. Jungle drum 6. The E in QED 7. Cruelly-named speech impediment 8. Allow 9. French feminine indefinite article 10. Feature of DNA 11. Puts in the trash 12. Alert 13. Shrek, for example 18. “Shit, here we go” 23. Hawaiian souvenir 25. Quadri- doubled 26. Allow 27. It's often on or below the 8 key 29. Thrusting part 30. Playwright Chekhov 31. Online shopping icon 32. Ices (someone) 33. It gets in a lather 34. Composer of “Rule, Britannia!” 35. 1983 Bowie album and single 39. “____ is enough” 40. Missiles might be kept here 42. Seeped through 43. End of a fable 45. “Dracula” director Browning 46. Coloured again 49. He works with pianoes 50. Source of the Ganges 51. Ices 52. “True ____” (2010 remake) 53. Spoken mythology 54. Uptight 55. ____-majesté 59. “Love ___ Cold Climate” (Mitford book) 60. Bio or chem 61. “Hail, Caesar!”


◄ ◄– 50 –►►


s e e t d s b h e

ϟ puzzles ϟ

Sudoko difficulty: medium

Quiz 1) Which Benedictine monk is credited with creating Champagne? 2) Why did James Bond order his Martinis shaken, not stirred?




3) What is the difference between spirits and liqueurs? 4) What is “glog” in Scandinavia? 5) What is Calvados made from? 6) Which Italian liqueur was originally made to prevent waste by using leftovers at the end of the wine season? 7) What is colloquially known as “honey wine”?

8) What is the alcoholic percentage of a 100 proof spirit? 9) When did the 6 o’clock pub closings end in New Zealand? 10) What makes up a Negroni?

ANSWERS: 1) Dom Pérignon. 2) When Flemming wrote the Bond novels vodka was commonly made with potatoes, which left an oily aftertaste if unshaken. 3) Liqueurs have added sugar, while spirits do not. 4) Mulled Wine 5) Apples 6) Grappa 7) Mead 8) 50% 9) 1967 10) One part gin, one part vermouth rosso, and one part bitters ◄ ◄– 51 –►►


letters Letter of the


win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

MAGIC 8 BALL SAYS: IT IS CERTAIN Dear Salient, I have no issues. This is a problem. Seriously, it’s been 3 months since Uni ended and all I’ve done in this time is get drunk and see friends. I don’t even have a job because I moved back in with my parents and they pay for everything. What is this hell?! I thought this summer would be my time to face deep perils, devote myself to Art in response to my Trials, but it’s been a wash so far. Not that I don’t have minor troubles. I read a book in December; it got tricky towards the middle, but then the plot became more interesting, so I was okay again. I thought that Carrie might die on Homeland, but she didn’t, and neither did Saul. Dana didn’t, either, so I was despondent for a while, until I remembered that she reminded me of myself at 14, and that her dad’s a not-terrorist. Mine’s never even shot a gun. I think I slept through all of January; this would explain why I’m still referencing Homeland in February. Do my outdated references count as a problem? DO THEY SALIENT? AM I A SOCIAL PARIAH? CAN I BECOME ONE? PLEASE? GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MOURN. Sincerely, Over-privileged and middle class, Karori.

YOU FORGOT, ‘ROLL UP PANT LEGS’ Some helpful tips: 1. Walk on the right side of the pavement in town - always keep left. 2. Don't talk to the magician on Cuba Street unless you want to be creeped out (he targets young women) and underwhelmed. 3. Start drinking coffee. 4. You might, at first, consider the owner of Hope Bros grabbing the mic to make announcements endearing, but it will soon annoy you. 5. The fruit and vegetable markets are cheap - buy fruit and vegetables from there. 6. Make friends with people in your lecture theatres, because life is easier when you're stuck in the assignment bubble with

other people. 7. Talk to your lecturers and tutors, it always results in better grades and you'll feel more connected to your work. 8. No scrubs. This rule is universal.

IT WILL BE A LOT LIKE YOUR DREAM Dear Babelient, This one time, I had like 10 consecutive nights of really terrifying dreams where my best friends were trying to kill me with knives. Can't wait to see the mag this year! Best, ANON

RIP JESS, BRO Dear Salient, Congratulations in advance on what I'm sure will be an excellent first issue, I know I'm not alone in eagerly anticipating spending the year lost in your pages. I would, though, like to remember someone who can't join us for this newsprint journey. Jess Brough left us earlier this year, and the world, let alone Vic, is a duller place without her. Her unquenchable exuberance and boundless love for all around her is sorely missed. To all who knew her, kia kaha, and to those who never had a chance, I'm so sorry you missed out on such a beautiful person. Love you Jess, always will. - a friend.

WE AGREE. BUT, YOLO! Dear Ms. Blake-Kelly On the subject of the Y.O.L.O in the census 2013 campaign: Yolo is an admission that the neoliberal project has succeeded. That every man and woman is now, truly, an island. That there is no hope for security, community or regard for our brothers and sisters in humanity. That I only live once, and I'll be damned if anyone should stop me. It is the ultimate symbol of wanton liberalism. It is without virtue or consideration, but instead a black hole screeching, oscillating between exhilaration and regret. There is no Us in Yolo. Only a 'Why?' This religion is but a cult of the self. Let it die. Regards, VUWASS President ◄ ◄– 52 –►►

WHAT’S CRITIC? Dear Salient, What do you do when your two editors disagree about something? Do you hold a binding editors' vote, majority rules? Salient shows why democracy doesn't work. If you want to be effective, take your love of triangles to the next level and introduce a third editor. We suggest Matt Shand. Sincerely, Critic

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ‘SEVEN STUPID’ Dear firstlient, Type “Seven Sharp” into and you’ll find the first two results are links to the show’s website (the first, sponsored, post asks “Missed Your Favourite TV One Show?” Answer: chances are you haven’t if you missed Seven Sharp). The following six links have titles such as “Seven Sharp ‘crap’ says former TVNZ Programmer” and “Current affairs experiment gone wrong”. I’d be lying if I said it was omniscience that empowered me, weeks before it actually screened, to know with absolute certainty that the show would be abysmal. That’s silly, omniscience doesn’t exist. No, it was the fact that I am an Informed Consumer What Knows What I Want And What I Like and I know I can’t possibly like something I’ve never seen before. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I haven’t seen the first issue of Salient, but a Google search reveals nothing negative so I prophesy that it’s going to be a cracker. Yours, A. Cynic

SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time. Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party invites. We want it all. Letters must be received before 12pm on the Wednesday for publication the next week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation. Letters can be sent to: Email: Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)


VBC Hi and welcome to the vbc 88.3fm, your student radio station! Did your mum always tell you that you’ve got the perfect face for radio? Here’s your chance to prove her right! The VBC 88.3 is Victoria’s student radio station, which operates out of the Student Union Building, right next door to Salient. There are a number of slots still available for you to have your very own radio show! If you want to find yourself at the

heights of radio stardom in 2013, contact Rhys, the VBC Station Manager, at stationmanager@vbc. to register your interest for a show this year, but get in quick spaces for shows fill up fast! For more information or to stream the station online, visit

GIG GUIDE mon 25

tues 26

weds 27

thurs 28 O-Week Toga Party 7pm

Mighty Quiz! 6:30pm

mighty mighty san francisco bathhouse

Omnipotent Youth Society 8pm ($15)

Alphabet Head & Ridge Jaggers ($10)

The Axemen (free!)

meow cafe

Bulletproof MC Tiki Taane

1st Norton Records Fundraiser ($5)

Mighty MIghty Markets 1pm - 5pm

Sea Shepherd Pirate Party 8pm ($20)

24 Hour Party People 11pm ($10)

Moon Duo 8:30pm ($38)

THE Jam 8pm (free!)

Prom Night X A Low Hum Present: Chicks on Speed 8pm ($20)

puppies Stitch & Bitch 7:00pm

Kroon For Your Kai 6:30pm ◄ ◄– 55 –►►

Electric Quiz 8pm - 10pm

sat 2


Teresa Bergman


southern cross

fri 1

Tunes of I 10:00pm






LES mILLS EXTREmE: Hope Gibbons Building, 52-70 Taranaki Street, Wellington LES mILLS ON ThE TERRAcE: Unisys House, 66 The Terrace, Wellington LES mILLS huTT cITy: 7 Pretoria Street, Lower Hutt *Conditions apply. See Offer ends Sunday 31 March 2013.

Salient 00, 2013: Orientation  

Salient's first issue for 2013 - Orientation.

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