Issue 23 - The Opinion Issue by Salient

I NEED TO PEE HYPOCHONDRIA WILL SAVE MY LIFE KANYE, YAHWEH, OR THE HIGHWAY? STOP FUCKING ASKING COLIN CRAIG I AM GOING TO BE A ROBOT IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME WE TALKED ABOUT FUCKING OH JESUS! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS I’M SCARED OF THE INTERNET T R A D E O F F S WE ARE STILL THE UNIVERSITY HOW CHRISTOPHER NOLAN BROKE MY HEART A PAEAN TO MODERNITY WHY I NEED TO BE SOMEBODY LEARNING TO DEAL WITH THE DEVASTATING IN MY FATHER’S SHOES (NOT) IN DEFENSE OF CHRIS BROWN IN DEFENSE OF AYN RAND I S T A N B U L WHY YOU SHOULDN’T DUMP PEOPLE BY TEXT CRICKET’S NOT WHAT IT WAS WHAT TALENT? EVERYONE IS JUST AS DUMB AS YOU FEMINISM: STILL FUCKING RELEVANT ON THE POTENTIAL IMPORTANCE TO YOUR LIFE OF THE BESOTHO SLIT-FACED BAT WHY GETTING NOTICED DOESN’T MEAN SELLING OURSELVES SHORT THIS IS WHY I AM PROLIFE OH DEAR, NOT ANOTHER TRIANGLE! LITE MAYONNAISE IS SHIT I KNOW I’M RIGHT, AND I THINK YOU SHOULD TOO ISSUE 23

OCTOBER 8 TH 2012

[YOUR OPINION HERE]

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TOP THE TEAM Editors: Asher Emanuel & Ollie Neas editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Racheal Reeves designer@salient.org.nz

News Editor: Hugo McKinnon news@salient.org.nz Arts Editor: Adam Goodall arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Kurt Barber Visual Arts Editor: Rob Kelly Theatre Editor: Jonothan Price Music Editor: Philip McSweeny Feature Writers: Fairooz Samy Chris McIntyre News Interns: Grace Tong Shilpa Bhim, Phillipa Webb Chief Sub-Editor: Carlo Salizzo Distriubution Specialist: Michael Graham

controversial

OPINIONS

CONTRIBUTORS Todd Atticus, Matthew Bayliss, Hilary Beattie, Rose Burrowes, Choaty, Henry Cooke, Richard D’Ath, Uther Dean, Martin Doyle, Mary-Anne Evers, Ben Hague, Ryan Hammond, Roxy Heart, Bridie Hood, Patrick Hunn, Russ Kale, Molly McCarthy, Hamish McConnochie, Duncan McLachlan, Chandra Miller, Gus Mitchell, Phoebe Morris, Livvy Nonoa, Sam Northcott, Sam Oldham, Sam Phillips, Racheal Reeves, Will Robertson, Phillipa Webb, Matt White, the VBC 88.3FM.

CARLO SALIZZO

TEN A Dislike Button

NINE Cindy’s

Contributor of the Week: Hugo ‘Bloke-Man’ McKinnon & Sam ‘Prince of Darkness’ Northcott

EIGHT

CONTACT Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz

Forgetting About Dre

ADVERTISING

Sneans

SEVEN

Contact: Mark Maguire Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz ABOUT US Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria University of Wellington students, through the student services levy. It is printed by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of those of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, Jackson Freeman, Rory McCourt, You, Michael Laws, David Farrar, Yeezy or Breezy but we at Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them. OTHER Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic student, $55 for everyone else. Please send an email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz

SIX Crystal Meth

FIVE Butter with Peanut Butter

FOUR More than 12 items in the express lane

THREE Em Dashes

TWO Impotence

´ This issue is dedicated to

YOUR TWO CENTS

ONE Butt Chugging

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nEWS NEWS

SEND ANY PERTINENT ☞NEWS LEADS OR GOSSIP TO ☜

NEWS@SALIENT.ORG.NZ ╳ Salient never sleeps. ╳ 

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October 8 th 2012

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all the

NEWS

UNfit for print 

ALL HAIL!

SALIENT SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTS OUTCOME; ONE OF THE ABOVE IS YOUR NEW LEADER HUGO MCKINNON

Non-members of VUWSA were able to vote during the association’s executive elections last week. Current students who were not members, and recent graduates who no longer attend the University, received emails containing unique pin numbers that enabled them to vote for candidates online. Some claimed they took the opportunity to do so. VUWSA received the list of email addresses from the University, which handles registration for the association as part of the enrolment process, said Returning Officer Peter Young. The association noticed that the number of email addresses received seemed high, but requested and received confirmation from the University that they had been given the correct list.

He said provisional results would be released in cases where there was a clear winner after the polls closed on Friday, but invalid votes would not be removed until today. “Which is quite usual, as we have to confirm all the votes are valid anyway,” said Young. However he said they had yet to determine the method by which the votes would be removed. Most candidates have run extensive campaigns. Presidential candidates Jackson Freeman and Rory McCourt each created posters, and online videos, with supporters for both being very vocal on Twitter and Facebook. Young previously told candidates he had little power to reprimand them if they exceeded their one hundred dollar campaign budget, as stipulated by the VUWSA constitution.

The election received attention from popular commentary blog WhaleOil which criticised McCourt for following a “philosophy of idiocy,” after he said he did not “buy into the ‘live between our means’ dogma.” Freeman was steadily criticised for having little institutional knowledge of the association’s inner workings. Comparatively, last year’s presidential election was low key, with current President Bridie Hood running unopposed. When Salient went to print, results were not available but can be found online at salient. org.nz.

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EYE ON EXEC

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“WE'VE GOT TO HAVE A PARTY”

HUGO MCKINNON

“We’ve got to have an executive party,” said Vice-President (Academic) Josh Wright. Salient was allowed at the table again like a real person, and Wright threw Salient a Kit Kat courtesy of Treasurer William Guzzo, to stave off the hunger so often felt by Salient at 5:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. Meeting opens. “Take the food and pass it on,” said Guzzo. He then presented the conclusions from the Audit and Finance committee’s VUWSA Service Review. “We want to make sure we’re financially sustainable.” “AUSA is almost insolvent. They went into VSM in the nineties, and this is where they are now, we need to keep looking at our finances.” The review suggests examining where the association stands with NZUSA, and whether they could lobby for a fee decrease. “We’re not trying distance ourselves from NZUSA, we just want to make sure we’re getting value for money,” said Guzzo. The review further advocates looking for ways to “increase the coherency” between Salient and VUWSA, as well as reviewing all ‘non-media’ publications and the sustainability of the VBC. Non-media publications include the wall planner and diary given away to VUWSA members at the beginning of the year. While ad revenue means VUWSA breaks even on the wall planner, the diary cost the association $35,000 this year. Most of the executive agreed the diary was not consistently used by enough students to warrant the cost. The review also recommends reprioritising spending away from the under utilised ‘Campus Angel’s’ initiative. The executive then went into committee on which Salient cannot report. When they emerged from committee, Hood said the University would like to see one of the representatives from VUWSA on the Academic Advisory Committee for the Student Services Levy replaced with an elected member of the Student Forum. But Hood said they had yet to receive a reply to their letter to the University in which they voiced the associations concerns about the forum. The executive then discussed whether they should vote for Pete Hodkinson’s reelection to the NZUSA Presidency. Hodkinson is running unopposed, although VUWSA voted for another candidate in 2011. They then spent the last fifteen minutes discussing which movie to play in the Hunter Lounge during mental health awareness week. They decided on Little Miss Sunshine. “My favourite part is when the van starts honking and it won’t stop honking!” said Hood.

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NEWS

LOL MOLOLY MCC ARTHY

IT’S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK... Aberdeen resident William Middleton got his head stuck in a bin while “looking for [his] hat”. Middleton was finally cut free by firefighters after spending 20 minutes, head-first, in the bin. "I couldn't get my head out. It was shocking. It was stinking. I'm now known as bucket head," said Middleton, speaking of the ordeal. A number of people attempted to help Middleton but were unable to relieve him from the clutches of the receptacle. "I walked around the corner and saw his walking stick on the ground and his bum sticking out and said 'that's Willie',” said a witness. “Me and my pals tried to pull him out but his ears were stuck." Middleton was not injured at all, but it remains unclear whether he has been reunited with the troublesome hat.

“SUCK MY TEAT” Swiss cows have the ability to sext their farmers, thanks to a recent development in farming technology. Created to let farmers know when their cows are on heat, the device, which is implanted in the bovine’s genitals, reads body movement as well as temperature before sending the farmer an SMS when the cow in question is feeling a little bit frisky. The messages are able to be sent in up to five different languages, and have a reported 90 per cent accuracy. But at $140 per unit, you’d have to hope these messages are sufficiently saucy. “Hey bb. U + me in the bak paddok, 5 mins. xoxo Daisy”

BIGGEST FTP OF ALL TIME Miscreants in Northland drew police into a long and ridiculous pursuit in the early hours of last Sunday morning. The pursuit, which lasted two hours until police were able to lay spikes on the road, featured high speeds averaging... 45 km/h... before the youths vomited out the window.

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CRITIC VICTORIOUS ANOTHER VICTORY FOR SALIENT! HUGO MCKINNON

Salient was placed runner up for Best Publication at the Aotearoa Students Press Awards (ASPAs) on Friday September 28th, losing to Otago University’s student magazine Critic, but beating Massey’s publication, Massive. “I didn't have high hopes for the year. But in the end by allowing my staff do all of the work, and just focusing on Facebook, somehow we go there in the end. Oh, and fuck Salient," said Critic Editor, Joe Stockman “It was a tough job judging as given the diversity of entries. Without any specific direction I took it upon myself to consider how the publications serve their constituency,” said John Baker, one of numerous judges. Canta, from Canterbury University, won the award for Best Small Publication and a large number of other awards throughout the evening, and judges said it would have been a strong contender had it entered into the Best Publication category.

“We’re outraged, frankly, absolutely outraged. We will be launching our own investigation.” said Salient co-editor Ollie Neas. “Fuck it all,” said other editor, Asher Emanuel. Salient did win the ASPAS for Best Cover and Best Design and was highly commended for its website.

Former News Editor Stella Blake-Kelly received an award for Best Paid News while Arts Editor Adam Goodall won another for Best Review. Feature Writer Fairooz Samy was runner up for Best Feature Writer, and News Intern Shilpa Bhim was highly commended for unpaid news.

DEGREES WORTHLESS? NO, JUST SHODDY JOURNALISM G R AC E TO N G

There has been some backlash to an article and editorial in the New Zealand Herald that claimed that degrees from New Zealand universities were “the most worthless in the developed world” “The net value of a man's tertiary education here is just $63,000 over a working life, compared with $395,000 in the United States. For a Kiwi woman, it's $38,000” said the article. But Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce said Government figures showing how much people earned four years after study were more positive. "If you get a university degree in New Zealand or a higher level degree then they see a premium of around 50 per cent over those who don't have degrees," he said. Several commenters observed that The Herald based it statistics on an OECD report, which distinguished between the earnings of those with university degrees and lower level qualifications. However the newspaper had used only either the earnings lower level qualifications, or a combination of the two to make its assertion that on average, those with degrees did not earn more than those without. “The headlines are simply false” said education blogger, Dave Guerin. However, Professor Jacqueline Rowarth of Waikato University's management school said thousands of students were enrolling in expensive creative arts courses that would not help them to find work. "They're sold a crock by people telling them to follow their passion. We fund an awful lot of peculiar courses,” she said.

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Graduate Diploma in Journalism Applications close 15 November. Find out more at www.saps.canterbury.ac.nz/jour 6

NEWS

NOT DEAD YET AUSA CRAWLS FROM GRAVE

S H I L PA B H I M

AUSA avoided insolvency at its SGM on Wednesday, after a motion was passed that will give the Executive until the end of the year to continue its negotiations for funding from the University of Auckland. The SGM was called for by We Are The University (WATU) who wanted no settlement reached until “such time as any proposed agreements have been made publically available to all association members and ratified by a simple majority at a general meeting by the association.” The motion passed after it was amended to state it would not come into effect until 1 January 2013. WATU felt that University management would exploit the current financial situation of AUSA by taking advantage of the inexperience of the Executive. However this would not have left the executive enough time to pass the agreement needed secure funding and avoid insolvency

before the end of the semester Following the vote on the motion, the Executive is free to continue its negotiations with the University for the remainder of this year. If negotiations are successful, university management will take over some AUSA property, but AUSA will receive a set amount of funding for the next 13 years. President Arena Williams said that the loss of some property will not harm the role and function of AUSA. “The need to vacate the space does not mean that AUSA will stop providing any of our current services,” she said. The Executive is confident that the negotiation process will ensure that AUSA maintains its independence and power as a student advocacy group and service provider. However, the it has said that it will “continue consultation on the shape of negotiations.”

Under the current contract with The University of Auckland, AUSA must negotiate funding from the University annually.

GOODBYE SWEET POTATO BIG K CLOSES ITS DOORS FOR GOOD; THE DREAM IS DEAD

HUGO MCKINNON

“I broke my front teeth at the Big Kumara in February 2010 whilst working behind the bar at the first Foam Party. I picked up one front tooth but the other is forever lost in the foamy darkness somewhere behind the bar.” “Dear God No” “about to email my lecturer to apply for an extension after the loss of a loved one. Forever in my heart The Big Kumara” “Fuck u big k” “when bitchy girls were rude to me, I put full fat coke in their drinks instead of diet. VENGEANCE IS SWEET”

“Wtf just happened?” It’s done, it’s over, starships were not meant to fly and the Big Kumara closed its doors for the last time on Saturday night. The end of an era, for the time being. The owner of the bar and its parent company, Dixon Cuba Hospitality Limited, Jonno Huntington was searching for someone to buy the bar after the IRD sought liquidation for the parent company in late August. The hearing will be held on October 8 at the Wellington High Court. Hunting had reportedly received offers for the bar, but it was unclear whether he had entered negotiations with any buyers, and whether a new buyer would intend to reopen to bar. Goodbye sweet potato. If you love something let it go...

“FML” "never forgive, never forget" “your nightlife experiences back there in new zealand is so boring, shit/ depressing/full of all you antisocial uptight boring sheep shaggers.i didint enjoy your courtenay place at all.” “it’s devistating” “I am soooooo sad!!!” "Thank fuck for that."

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PLANET EARTH IS A COMPLICATED PLACE AND A LOT

WORL

OF COMPLEX BUSINESS goes down. It can be hard to ✷ KEEP UP AND EASY TO ✷ SOUND LIKE A DICK WHEN YOU

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

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NEWS M ARCH

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Salient considers it ITS GOD-GRANTED DUTY to provide you, dear reader, all OF THE BASIC FACTS ABOUT THE biggest ongoing world issues so ➢ YOU CAN APPEAR ➣ MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE THAN YOU actually are—just like us.

ON THE

In Houston, Texas, eight unregistered Russian government agents are arrested for shipping complex electronics back to the motherland, with their company displaying a suspiciously strong correlation between profit margins and yearly Russian defence spending. Russia was not available for comment as Salient went to print. In France, scientist Dr Eric Lingueglia discovers a painkiller more powerful than morphine in the venom of the deadly and very scary black mamba. Practitioners of the Dark Arts worldwide rejoice as their highly specialised skills in parsel-tongue is finally able to be used for the good of the muggle world. In the Holy See, Pope Benedict XVI’s butler Paolo Gabriele goes on trial for keeping top secret documents that were marked by the Holy Father for destruction. Among the papers were a gold nugget an a €10,000 cheque made out to the Pope, which Gabriele had like, totally no idea about. In Denver, Presidential hopeful Mitt ‘The Mutt’ Romney faces off against incumbent President Obama in a debate-to-the-death, canvassing diverse topics from the state of the economy for lower-middle-class Americans to the state of economy for upper-middle-class Americans. Salient still endorses Herman Cain. In Blenheim, staff at the Raupo Riverside Cafe remain sceptical towards “crazy” employee Ben James’ new vegan diet—a radical idea in the small carnivorous community. Colleague Ms Kovacs gives up her attempt at the lifestyle after recalling how much she likes carrot cake.

somalian swapsies GOVERNMENT WINNING BATTLE TO GOVERN B E N H AG U E

Alongside allied militia groups, 450 Kenyan and Somalian soldiers stormed the port-town of Kismayu last Monday, flushing out the al-Shabaab rebel group. Al-Shabaab is a cell of al-Qaeda that wishes to impose Sharia law across Somalia, which has been embroiled in almost relentless conflict following the collapse of its central government in 1991. The cell is an offshoot of the Islamic Courts Union (ICU), who controlled most of Somalia until US supported Ethiopian forces invaded in 2006. So, the soldiers stormed the town and after enduring heavy bombardment over the weekend from land, air and sea, the rebels fled. So that’s good right? Yet many residents are reportedly still on edge about soldiers patrolling the sandy streets, narrow alleyways, and taking up position on rooftops. They are cautiously optimistic and hope that life will be better now that al-Shabaab is out of their lives. "Some people are happy to welcome them because they were fed up with the misrule of the al-Shabaab fighters," Abdullahi Farey Hassan told AFP. "But I will have my reservations until I see them doing something good. I hope they will be better than al-Shabaab." And it’s not over yet, according to an aggravated rebel spokesman.

"Their going in means falling into our trap. Just wait and see what will happen to them," said Sheikh Abdiasis Abu Musab. They are planning to turn the streets into a battlefield, and there are fears that they have planted mines throughout the town. But the Kenyan and Somali governments haven’t expressed much worry about it. Kenyan Deputy Prime Minister Musalia Mudavadi said it was a “major blow” for al Shabaab that would be beneficial for the region. The US government, never too impressed with militant Islamists, also conveyed their approval. Al-Shabaab controls most southern and central areas, while the government only controls the capital, Mogadishu and a few other small areas. But it can now add Kismayu to the list. Some entrepreneurial Somalis have taken advantage of the anarchic conditions and are getting involved in a bit of piracy. Not the download-Rihanna’s-latest-albumand-get-a-warning-letter-from-your-ISP kind of piracy, more like steal-ships-andtake-hostages-until-a-ransom-is-paid kind of piracy. But we’re sure you knew about that already. Hopefully for your average Somali, the capture of Kismayu is only the beginning of good news for what is most likely one of the worst places in the world to live.

NEWS

OvER HEaRD A T VI C Overheard in a FILM101 screening “God I love Mark Sainsbury, he’s such a bear.” Taryn Burley

the

WEEK 

that

Overheard in Cotton “Is it weird that my parents read the Salient more than I do?” Benedict Holland

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Overheard in BMSC117 Partway through talking about a certain intestinal Nematode the lecturer randomly asks “is it me or do the names of all these parasites sound like Harry Potter spells?” She then dramatically acted out casting a spell while shouting the parasites name “Enterobius vermicularis!” Fintan Perrett

WASN'T

Overheard on the over-bridge “Bro I’ve done myself proud, finally finished a jigsaw puzzle in 4 months. And the box said 2-4 years!” Jono Dol

RIDGES’ PERFORMANCE ART TO BE EXHIBITED AT WORLD RENOWN EXHIBITION. CHRIS MCINTYRE

The latest piece by performance artists Jaime and Sally Ridge, The Ridges, was accepted to show at the Venice Biennale, last week. The Biennale is an art exhibition which has been held in Venice biannually since 1895, celebrating exceptional contemporary art from across the world.

The Ridges, released in New Zealand in August to near-universal acclaim, has been praised by commentators as simultaneously endearing and “vomit-inducing, in a way that can only be art.” The show was also commended for its acute insight into the property market’s redevelopment in the wake of the housing crash of 2008.

Biennale curator, Giacomo Salvietta, said he was proud to accept the piece, and called the show “a bold take on the inner workings of the Ponsonby suburbanite”. “Its intensely self-involved to a level not yet seen on such a stage,” he said.

Overheard while walking into a lecture Girl: “So are you not allowed to have anal sex with a guy if you’re religious?” Guy: “Nah, you’re not allowed to lie with another man.” Girl: “Well just don’t lie down. Avoids the whole issue. Said by a true Catholic.” Jack Winter

boundaries in a way that other performance art should aspire to.”

Overheard outside the library Reed Fleming: “Man, Jackson Freeman looks dumb with his long hair.” Guy 2: “Shut up Reed, everyone knows you have a mangina.” Gareth Baker

Art critics cite the duos total dedication to the art as a point of difference from other pieces of the New Zealand performance art canon, such as The GC and Ben Lummis’ epic New Zealand Idol.

Overheard on the Murphy over-bridge Guy 1: “That Rory fulla looks and sounds like my grandma.” Guy 2: “Yeah hard I’m gonna vote for that Jackson Freemoney.” Gareth Baker

Sally Ridge has previously cut her artistic teeth as Craft Editor for New Idea magazine, a tenure praised for its thematic diversity, cutting social commentary, and use of glitter.

“I’m a person, so I’ll wear clothes,” said Jaime Ridge. “What even is performance art though, y’know?”, she asked, completely absorbed in the character she has been tireless portraying for the last nineteen years, while continuing to dissect the very essence of the art form through an interrogation of the genres parameters. “No, seriously.” she said.

“Whether it’s documenting the here and now, or the hair in the shower, it’s pushing

Overheard in RELI107 tutorial Tutor: “I might shock a puppy, but not a kitten. I would shock a human over a kitten. Kittens are blameless creatures. So cute.” Jepha Purple Overheard in BIOL114 Lecturer: “Shaving your camel must be like putting fluffy dice on your car.” Jake Andrew Barnett Email snippets of Vic life to overheard@salient.org.nz, or find overheard@vic on Facebook.

SAL I EN T P RO BE S TH E

punters THE FIVE QUICKIES 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

How do you feel about the Big K closing? Samuel L Jackson or Morgan Freeman? If you could go on a romantic dinner with one New Zealand celebrity, who would it be? Have you voted for the VUWSA elections? And if so, why do you care? If we encounter aliens in the next hundred years, do you think they will be friendly or hostile?

ANDREW

LAUREN

( PH I LOSOPH Y)

( E NGLI SH /PH YC )

Oh I didn’t know it was closing but that’s kinda sad.

Um a bit sad, I quite liked that place, I don’t go often but you know..

Um Morgan Freeman.

Oh thats mean, um Morgan Freeman.

Um Cliff Curtis.

Karl Urban

I haven’t voted, it doesn’t really effect me I think. I don’t know what it’s about.

Not yet but I will because my friend told me to vote for her.

Hostile, I’m very pessimistic.

Mmm hostile.

KONY

MATT

BRIDIE

(MA N A G EMENT)

( POLI TI KI N’)

( DONE ALR E ADY)

I'm new to Wellington, I’m from Christchurch so I don’t know. [excuses much?]

Really gutted, I used to feel superior going to lotus.

L Jackson, he’s the man.

Jackson, I like his angry videos.

Fuck, that’s a hard one. [mate: Fucken' hard] I can only think of Jamie Ridge, yeah il just go with Jamie Ridge.

I would take both the Ridges out for a state dinner and never call them back.

Na, I’m only here for one year so..

I haven’t because I know nothing about any of them except which ones are funniest.

Bit of both.

Hostile unless we play the right songs. I think musics will be key in terms of how we relate.

2. 3.

4. 5.

— 10 —

I’ve only been to Big Kumara three times in my life and each time it was a let down so not really fussed. I feel sorry for the kids that like foam parties though. Samuel L Jackson, of course. Marcus Lush, he seems really fun. All his TV shows look really boring but he seems really smart. I haven’t voted yet but I will because without VUWSA Vic would be a shittier place. Friendly, I like to think the best of people. [they’re not people!]

the

OPINI●N issue

12.

Patrick Hunn

28.

Rob Kelly

13.

Molly McCarthy

29.

Philip McSweeney

14.

Chris McIntyre

30.

Hugo McKinnon

15.

Henry Cooke

31.

Rose Burrowes

16.

Gus Mitchell

32.

Carlo Salizzo

17.

Roxy Heart

33.

Hamish McConnochie

18.

Matthew Bayliss

34.

Phillipa Webb

19.

Sam Northcott

35.

Uther Dean

20.

Matt White

36.

Bridie Hood

21.

Asher Emanuel

37.

Ollie Neas

22.

Sam Oldham

38.

Adam Goodall

23.

General Gerald Lee

39.

Mary-Anne Evers

24.

Todd Atticus

40.

Racheal Reeves

26.

Duncan McLachlan

41.

Hilary Beattie

27.

Fairooz Samy

42.

Richard D’Ath

— 11 —

the

OPINI●N issue

NEED

PEE

And other stray thoughts. P AT R I C K H U N N

Having an opinion should be easy: all it requires of you is to demarcate an idea and pick a side.Vigorous discourse might follow, and both yourself and all involved will probably be better off for it. The side you chose initially might have changed. Right now, though, I’m finding it pretty hard. It’s an opinion issue, so we’re probably supposed to write about how socially crippling modern constructs of gender are or the modern implications of the Indian caste system but honestly my stomach hurts a little bit and I need to have a wee really badly but I’m too lazy to get up. So, rather than try to pull apart an issue for you not to read, and because I can’t concentrate on anything at the moment for longer than a second due to my nuclear bladder I will share with you my less gentrified opinions as they come to me. Here are some of them: We should all be nicer to each other. We should all stop being so nice to each other. John Key’s smile looks like someone has arranged it on his face with a scalpel. John Key looks like a rat. I don’t know what David Shearer looks like. Does David Shearer even have a face? Is he a real person? Is the leader of the Labour party a robot?

it and I don’t know if that is allowed. This morning I called my friend a beautiful chocolate man and she didn’t get the reference and I felt really bad. Black don’t crack. White people look so tragic when they’re old. White people with dreadlocks are so visually confusing.

"I saw White Chicks for the first time last night and I really enjoyed it and I don’t know if that is allowed."

Forks are small tridents and sometimes when I’m eating I pretend I’m Poseidon. It is very sad that I am not Beyoncé. It is very sad that I am not Patsy Stone. It is very sad that I am not PJ Harvey. It is very sad that most people don’t seem to know that Liberia is a country. It is very sad that when I saw Suriname on a map for the first time I thought it was a mistake.

There’s someone sitting next to me and they said to their companion that Bangkok was the capital of Burma and I hate them although I probably shouldn’t. The capital of Burma is Naypyidaw and I have no idea how to pronounce it but I saw it like I do. Smoking is a disgusting habit. I am a smoker and I am disgusting. People who don’t smoke who tell you that your habit is disgusting are disgusting and make me smoke more. If smoking harms my unborn child then my unborn child should stop smoking. Plainpackaging on cigarettes will just make me feel like I’m in the army. I buy $9.99 wine because honestly I can’t tell the difference. Regina George is an evil dictator. How do you overthrow a dictator? You cut off her resources. Lindsay Lohan is an opinion that I have. Pop culture references are reductive. Religion is annoying and that is a feeling I have because regardless of how many well spoken religious people I have interesting discussions with it doesn’t make sense to me and it never will so leave me alone. I need to pee. I think I might have wet myself. ▲

I saw White Chicks for the first time last night and I really enjoyed Patrick Hunn is a student at Victoria, and has contributed his skill to Salient throughout 2012. He dabbles in theatre, when his bladder permits.

— 12 —

the

OPINI●N issue

Hypochon dria will save my life

As Lil Wayne famously put it, “Motherfucker I’m ill”. I’ve had it all. Cancer of almost every body part, numerous heart attacks, and even medical conditions as rare and descriptivelynamed as “Black Hairy Tongue”. According to my doctor however, I am—and always have been—in perfectly good health. Except, perhaps, for a chronic and inoperable case of hypochondria. Hypochondria, for the uninitiated, is defined as the preoccupation with having serious illnesses, even when there may not be (read: often isn’t) any medical evidence to support the presence of such conditions. In other words, making a mountain out of a molehill. Or, as the case was when I was 13, a tumour out of a pimple.

“...there’s nothing like a Latin name and a list of Chinese Herbal Remedies to put a girl’s mind at ease when she has an itchy armpit.”

Throughout my life, friends, relatives, and self-help books have tried to persuade me that such a preoccupation is unhealthy, but I disagree. Hypochondria will save my life, and it could save yours too. With the rapid rise of the information superhighway, many medical professionals have expressed concern at the growing number of patients diagnosing themselves online. According to a study I found while researching why my eyes looked greener last week (probably onset blindness), one in four women regularly turn to Dr Google for medical advice. Now that is a statistic I can get behind! I still remember when I first discovered the joys of informative medical web forums like Yahoo! Answers. In just a few minutes you can get yourself some peace of mind with a myriad of disease and illness to match your spurious symptoms. After all, there’s nothing like a Latin name and a list of Chinese Herbal Remedies to put a girl’s mind at ease when she has an itchy armpit. It was shortly after this discovery and resulting peak in selfdiagnosis that my mother banned me from raising any medical issues with her. In the face of such fascism, my stepfather and I soon formed a pact in which we would offer each other sympathy and concern for all bumps and bruises. This agreement fell apart shortly after, when he became concerned with the frequency of my insistence that we both take quizzes on heart health. Several years later he underwent major heart surgery; now that he’s in great health I think it’s fair to say that hypochondria won that round. But my hypochondria has not only helped me to help myself and others, it’s also provided me with future job security. If my current course of study fails to provide me with fruitful employment, I may rest assured that hypochondria has supplied me with sufficient knowledge to get through the first two years of medical school. In fact, in my final year of high school, I was able to so accurately diagnose the unique flavour of my phlegm as symptomatic of bronchitis, that even the doctor was surprised by how early I’d caught on to the presence of the infection in my lungs. While knowing this much detail about flavours of phlegm might seem pretty gross, let’s just remember that I wasn’t the one attempting to sit NCEA Level 3 exams with mucus-laden bronchi.

Self-diagnosis for the self-respecting. M O L LY M C C A R T H Y

If nothing else, hypochondria leaves its sufferers with an eternally optimistic disposition; for if you can survive the most chronic and debilitating conditions time and time again, the world is your veritable oyster. For a brighter future, diagnose yourself today! ▲

Mololy McCarthy is a fourth-year in law and French, and is currently serving a stint as Salient’s in house LOL news writer. Molly was Salient’ news editor in 2010.

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KKANYE ANYE , WEE H , YAH W OORR T H E H I GHW AY? HIGHW

“Instead of long tales of talking snakes, we need Kanye as our beacon of imperfection...”

the opulent braggadocio of Watch The Throne.1 Corollary: Biblical contradictions (goo.gl/b5oDG).

An imperfect God for an imperfect world. CHRIS McINTYRE

“I believe there’s a god above me / I’m just the god of everything else” declared Kanye West in July. He was wrong; no God is above Him. Kanye is the contemporary deity modern life needs. Let’s begin with the parallels between Yeezy and the archetypical God-figure: “And I embody every characteristic of the egotistic”—an excercise in cranial scale.

Compare a sampling of ‘Ye lyrics (“My presence is a present kiss my ass”; “With my ego, I can stand there in a speedo and be looked at like a fucking hero”; “Doing it better than anybody ever seen do it”; “But my head so big you can’t sit behind me”) with some of Yahweh’s imperatives: “Thou shalt have no other Gods before me”; “There is no other God beside me”. War and beats; flawed beauty.

If a God-figure did create the world, it was an act of immense beauty, skill and dexterity. God’s

back catalogue is near-flawless. Exceptions: war, no more Georgie Pie, male nipples. A designer just as intelligent: Mr West, creator of The College Dropout, Late Registration, Graduation, MBDTF, and half of Watch The Throne—universally commended albums with average critical reception of 84 per cent (goo.gl/T0BD5). He is the producer of our generation, reappropriating all manner of music to his aesthetic in a manner so auteurist David Lynch would flinch. Keen readers may have spotted the omission of 808s and Heartbreak; more soon. “Sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive”—the West dichotomy.

The charactered misogyny of “Been a long time since I spoke to you in a bathroom gripping you up fucking and choking you” versus the sincerity of “But I’d never hit a woman never in my life”, or the contrast of materialist disillusionment present in ‘Diamonds From Sierra Leone’ to

1“They ain’t seen me cause I pulled up in my other Benz / Last week I was in my other other Benz”, ‘Otis’, Watch The Throne. 2“So if the Devil wear Prada, Adam, Eve wear Nada I’m in between but way more fresher”, ‘Can’t Tell Me Nothing’, Graduation. 3“This pimp is, at the top of Mount Olympus”, ‘Gorgeous’, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. 4‘Through The Wire’, The College Dropout. 5“They say people in your life for seasons / And anything that happen is for a reason / … / I can’t figure it out, sick of it now”, ‘Heard ‘Em Say’, Late Registration.

Parallels aside, there is no ‘perfect God’: if we are made in His image, should we not be perfect? (Oh yeah, that bitch Eve.)2 Instead of long tales of talking snakes, we need Kanye as our beacon of imperfection—as a golden mirror of our collective failings. The Taylor Swift incident was unbecoming (even though He was right, the line “The media crucify me like they did Christ” is relevant here), 808s and Heartbreak was a valiant but ultimately futile attempt, ‘Christian Dior Denim Flow’ was a better hat-tip to high fashion than his own line ever was, his acting in Runaway was cringe-inducing at best, and his self-absorption varies from narcissistic to really fucking narcissistic. (Take this tweet: “I was recently questioned about the use of the word BITCH in my music and initially was offended by anyone questioning anything in my music”.) However, it is these imperfections which make him all the more appropriate as our contemporary deity—what better model than the flawed hero? Let us reject traditional religion’s fetish for sin and instead follow and embrace the rise of a modern Zeus3 from His resurrection,4 His search for meaning5 and the roots of morality,6 the removal of His last vestiges of humble naivety,7 through the passage of His darkest days,8 to his valiant resurgence wherein He comes to terms with himself9 and finally overcomes all obstacles to flourish and devote himself to his following.10 If I ever “get my money right”, it will not be through 2000-year-old Gospels, inner peace, the Hajj, or Holy Communion. It will be because “Yeezy taught me”. ▲

6“Ask the reverend was the strip club cool, if my tips help send a pretty girl through school”, ‘We Major’, Late Registration. 7“Only thing I wanna know is why I get looked over / I guess I’ll understand when I get more older”, ‘Big Brother’, Graduation. 8“Look back on my life and my life gone / Where did I go wrong?”, ‘Welcome to Heartbreak’, 808s and Heartbreaks. 9“I made mistakes, I bumped my head”, ‘All of the Lights’, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. 10“Black excellence, truly yours”, ‘Murder to Excellence’, Watch The Throne.

Christ McIntyre is a second-year bachelor of science majoring in zoology minoring in tigers and intends to undertake a post-grad diploma in feeding time. Chris is also one of Salient’s two paid feature writers.

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OPINI●N issue

“I don’t want the mainstream media to simply parrot my opinions, I have Twitter for that.”

If you have been following the marriage equality 'debate' at all, you may have noticed Colin Craig spraying his opinion all over every article he possibly can. Louisa Wall, who just, you know, authored the Bill, has surely been interviewed less.Yes, the BA student from Wellington is predictably liberal, but I’m not actually arguing for marriage equality here. I just don’t think Colin Craig should be given two sentences at the bottom of every story. His opinion is not relevant. In general, representing both sides of a debate equally is desirable. I don’t want the mainstream media to simply parrot my opinions, I have Twitter for that. It does seem stupid to continually give attention to a guy who has absolutely no say in whether the law passes however. Colin Craig is not an elected MP, has no influence on any sitting MPs, and the marriage equality Bill will be either passed or rejected by 2014, the soonest he could interfere. We† all love a conflict though, and feel like both sides need a voice—so it’s easy to call a guy who always wants to talk. The actual MPs who are voting against the Bill mostly refuse to talk to the media, perhaps having seen an opinion poll in the last decade. Colin Craig seems to actually think his views represent a substantial portion of the public, so any press is good press, while the actual voting opposition can easily hide. Last election, the Conservative Party captured 2.65 per cent of the popular vote (the ‘party vote’ on your form) and won no seats. The popular vote percentage isn’t actually that low for a small party, it’s more than the Maori Party, Mana, United Future, and Act, but their 59,237 voters were widely dispersed rather than concentrated in an electorate, so no seats for them. More notable was the amount they spent on their unsuccessful bid—$1,878,337 (more in total than Labour), or around $31 per vote. Even with all

S top F u cking Asking Co l in Cr a ig Seriously, stop. HENRY COOKE

that money, with all that advertising, they still didn’t manage 5 per cent. Can we not discern from this that their opinion is probably not representative of very much of the country? Not only does it give a voice to someone who does not deserve it; it creates a smarmy ‘enemy’ for liberals to rally against, since we can’t just blame Key this time. I’m all for partisanship, but hating on an unelected politician is just hating on someone you disagree with.Yes, it is possible that the Conservatives will somehow manage 5 per cent, or find a safe seat, but that is two years away. We will have plenty of time to destroy his message closer to the election, comrades. I’m hardly the first to draw attention to the problem with “two sides” journalism. “Fairness

bias” is the latest buzz-term among media critics. The example that usually comes up is climate change, which sounds like something that isn’t agreed upon by 99 per cent of scientists when both sides are presented equally. However, creating a conflict makes for a good story, and the far right are loud with their lies. The ‘other side’ of this debate does deserve coverage. Usually I think the majority shouldn’t legislate the minority, (see: civil rights) but since this is before Parliament, we need to hear from the opposition. That voice should come from someone who actually represents people however, not just some guy who uses the coverage to win votes. ▲ †Full

disclosure, I work for Stuff.co.nz.

Henry Cooke is a student at Vic undertaking a BA in political science and media studies. He is on Twitter; not ironically, but sadly.

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I’m going to be a robot!

“You could upload your brain into a android equivalent, or live out your life as a disembodied intelligence.”

And there’s nothing you can do to stop me. GUS MITCHELL

When I was a intermediate-age youngling, our class was given the task (read: it was compulsory) to do a “persuasive speech” on a topic we found interesting. Having just discovered comics through the gateway drug of the Justice League cartoon, I wanted to do a speech on why everyone should have superpowers. Due to the unfortunate mandate that we had to ground our argument in quote-unquote “reality”, I had to change this simple power fantasy speech into one about funding for programs to allow people to make machines *deep breath* that would give humanity superpowers. Simple, right? I never came up with a better, more easy to swallow premise, but at least I got a kick out of leaping around the room asking my friends whether they wanted to be faster than a speeding bullet or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Now if only I could travel back in time and tell my past self about transhumanism... Transhumanism is the idea that humanity will, at some point, begin to see our current ‘design’ as flawed, obselete and in need of improvement, and so we would turn to bio-augmentation and cybernetics in a quick fix to make ourselves harder-better-faster-stronger. Transhuman improvements can be anything from passive

abilities like increased disease resistance, to literal superhuman powers like enhanced strength, to mechanical or biological additions such as mechanical limbs or wings. Anything that makes you above or technically superior than the ordinary human makes you a transhuman. In fiction, this goes for about EVERY superhero and villain ever created. I could go on about transhumanism literally being the thing that turns the power fantasy of comic books into power reality, or how cool it would be able to augment our bodies in an instant for fun and profit in the vein of Deus Ex or Bioshock, but I got all of that out of my system in Year 8. What interests me about transhumanism these days is the limitless potential for human expression. When you think about it, it has the potential to make everyone happy in their own skin, give everyone what they have always wanted in life and let people live however they wanted. In the same sense that those who identify as trans* believe that their body does not adequately express their gender, a transhumanist could believe their body does not adequately express their potential. Everybody wants to be better than they are, and through our exposure to superhero fiction, this can manifest as a desire to have an ability or attribute beyond human. Everyone has a different idea of what Gus Mitchell is studying at Victoria. He fears immortality.

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they want to be or do. Sure, super speed could beat the traffic, and turning invisible could make you the greatest master of surprise ever, but I’m not talking utility, I’m talking personality. Some of us want to fly because we like the feeling, or shapeshift because we want to wake up as a different person each morning, or have a robot arm that has wi-fi and a laser cannon so you can tweet about who you just incinerated. “What’s your power?” could become the new “what’s your sign?” as go-to date conversation. Hell, maybe you feel bogged down with just having a body.You could upload your brain into a android equivalent, or live out your life as a disembodied intelligence. There is no limit to what can imagine ourselves to be, and as sure as every person is unique, every person’s vision of themselves will be different as well. So I say, superpowers to the people! Wearing underwear on the outside is optional.

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IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME WE TALKED ABOUT FUCKING It's Not Sex Positive Without The Sex. ROX Y H E A RT

Roxy has been growing tired of listening to people complain that our society has become too “sexualised”. It has not. Oh sure, the media and advertisers love to use sexual imagery to sell stuff, but that’s all superficial and ultimately irrelevant. At the end of the day, sex is still marginalised and our society is still very prudish, and that’s something we should be very, very worried about. When you were growing up, your mum or dad may very well have sat you down and had a sex talk. It almost certainly was vague, and it almost certainly was uncomfortable. It also likely didn’t actually teach you anything. How to use a condom? “Ummm, it goes on your penis...” How to make sure a woman has a vaginal orgasm? “Ummm, are you having sex yet..?” Anal? “Ummm, a lot of women don’t like that stuff you see on porn...” It’s a failure of parenting, and it’s a cultural failure of our society. A huge amount of unnecessary suffering is caused by poor sex education. Countless women have spent their entire lives never having experienced a genuine vaginal orgasm because they were never told what to expect, or that they might need more than a cock to achieve it. Many others, both gals and dudes, have had horrible experiences with penetrative sex because no one ever explained to them the importance of using lube. Huge numbers of young men have denied themselves the full sensitivity their cocks permit because they have rubbed them raw with crappy jackingoff technique. People with ordinary, and what should be seen as downright cool, fetishes have been denied the ability to express them because no one is ever told just how wide the definition of “normal” can be. Sure, you can show tits on TV after 9pm, but all of that is just the trappings of human sexual experience. We still can’t openly talk

about it in schools, or with our children, or on the television. Instead we have a generation of people who get all their real sexual education from Cosmo, Sex and the City, or porn. The issue is, these sources are actually making things worse. They are telling people that they need to be “sex positive” and “open minded”, without actually equipping them with any of the knowledge they need to actually live a sex-positive life. They glide over the hard bits, or the messy bits or the complicated bits, and then when “Cosmo Tip 42: Surprise your man with anal!” fails, they pile on the guilt. Is it really surprising then, that Roxy has avowedly “sex positive" friends who didn’t know that gay men could have sex looking in the eye? Sex is only talked about in platitudes and aphorisms, and that’s pretty sucky. Get educated, people. Learn about your bodies, and the bodies of those you want to fuck. Do some research, even if it’s just a Google search. Figure out how sex is meant to be done. Talk openly with your friends about sex, about what it means, how it’s done. Find out about fetishes, and those who practice them: it may surprise you. Oh and when you have kids? If you can’t tell them the, ahem, ins and outs yourself, at least buy them a goddamn book. <3 Roxy ▲

Roxy Heart is Salient’s in-house sex columnist, undertaking the role alone after the demise of her vitriolic, conservative counterpart Prudence.

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“...when “Cosmo Tip 42: Surprise your man with anal!” fails, they pile on the guilt.”

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OPINI●N issue

oh jesus! Why I embrace the Son of God. M AT T H E W B AY L I S S

Christianity is a crutch for the weak. This seems to be the prevalent opinion of the man in the street these days.You only pray to God if you can’t sort out your problems for yourself.You only place your hope in going to heaven if your present life sucks so badly. You only believe in something greater than yourself if your own self is too small. The man or woman of faith is looked upon with something approaching pity. How nice for you that you’ve found a straw to clutch to. It’s a good thing that you have God, because no one else wants anything to do with you. The flipside is implicit in this. I don’t need God because I have my life sorted. I can stand on my own two feet, without requiring God as a walking stick. Christianity is a crutch used only by the weak. My first response to this statement is to want to deny it. I’m not weak or helpless. I don’t need your pity. I’m a strong independent Kiwi bloke. And anyway, my God’s bigger than you! I’ll tell Jesus on you and he’ll come down and smite you. But then I look at Jesus and realise that, actually, I want to claim that. Jesus came to save the weak, and that’s me. Jesus came as one of the weak. If I were God, I might show myself as the allpowerful, fire-slinging, water-churning, lightning-bolting Supreme Being, and force everyone to bow down to me. Jesus could have done the same. He is in very nature God, the God who created the universe from nothing.Yet he came as a human being, limited by time and space. He was born as a baby, dependent on others for everything. He lived with the poor, and died with the powerless. He was killed as a criminal, on a cross, deserted by his friends. It’s hard to imagine a more humiliating death. The powerless and outcasts of society flocked to Jesus, because he not only talked about justice but lived it. He accepted them as they were. In contrast, the religious leaders shunned Jesus, labelling him a “friend of sinners”. There was no room in their rules of purity for such openness to riffraff, and their righteousness relied on keeping their own regulations. With their eyes fixed on themselves, they missed what Jesus gave. Their own deeds could never make them as perfect as God. It was the ‘sinners’ who realised this, who knew that

“...my God’s bigger than you! I’ll tell Jesus on you and he’ll come down and smite you.”

they could not hide their problems from God or remove them with their own strength, and who came seeking the forgiveness that Jesus freely offered. It was in the moment of Jesus’ greatest weakness, when he was dead and buried, that his strength was shown. Jesus Christ rose from the dead. If I were able to raise myself from the dead, then I could rely on my own strength and I wouldn’t need God. If I could live a perfect life, then I wouldn’t need forgiveness and I wouldn’t need God’s grace. But I’m human. I can’t do either. But I know the one who can. Jesus Christ came to save the lost, and the thing is, we’re all lost. Sometimes it’s just a matter of whether we realise it or not. ▲

Matthew Bayliss is a student at Vic, and has been one of Salient’s most prolific letter-writers over the past two years.

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Sam Northcott is the creator of Dinocop, a regular comic in Salient since 2011, which won the award for best comic at the 2011 Aotearoa Student Press Association Awards. Sam is a student of The Abyss.

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OPINI●N issue

Since the internet was downloaded, many good things have come to mankind. The sharing of ideas, inspiration and good old information has been revolutionised to the point where if you look outside, you will see a stormy sea of fluid transaction. The internet has empowered the common man with a capacity to know about things he might otherwise have been kept from by political elites. Now that he knows, he can protest the injustices—but it’s bigger than that. He can spread the word and be viral in minutes. He can galvanize communities into action. He becomes a potent agent of political change. He has the power to polarize and mobilize the masses that are sick of eating cake. The Youtube sensation that drew popular attention to the villainous pied piper known as Kony, illustrated how one American dad with a cute kid could momentarily guilt-trip us all and drive the less sure-footed of us to go man-hunting somewhere in Africa. I would however, like to present the case for caution as I think this new bedfellow of humanity is at times, an unsavoury character. In just the last week or so, an islamaphobic Californian was credited with making a short film called Innocence of Muslims that incensed Muslims all over the show. The prophet Mohammed, who you just don’t diss these days, got really dissed. Protests in Libya somehow escalated and Brick killed a guy. It wasn’t actually Brick though, it was an angry Libyan and the slain man was US Ambassador to Libya Christopher Stevens. As Caesar would have piped; the die is cast! There is no taking back the video or undoing the hurt feelings it has caused or bringing the dead man back to life for that matter.Violent protests spread as far south as Sydney. Now whilst our twangy neighbours are undoubtedly of unsavoury ancestry, it’s still a bit crazy that a video made in California could have such a feather ruffling effect, so far afield. Many white Australians were as angry at the Muslim protesters as the Muslims were at the Los Angeles based filmmaker/parole dodger. There was now a situation that represented the unhappy inverse of a conga line, a massive anger-chain. Pot-stirring on a Jamie Oliverian scale had been made possible by Youtube and more specifically, the internet. Julian Assange is a journalist accused of sex crimes in Sweden who is sleeping over at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. British authorities want to send him and his toothbrush back to Sweden to face the music. He is also the founder of Wikileaks, an organization that claims to have shed light on the American military machine's sometimes appalling conduct in Iraq. Objectively that sounds like a good thing but it has some less than ideal consequences. American servicemen and women whose conduct may have been exemplary and kind-hearted whilst touring the sandy nation, now find their lives endangered as news of their colleagues' excessive

i 'm s c are d of t h e internet Strap in on the superhighway. M AT T W H I T E

liberties (in the name of Freedom) makes it down Bagdad alleyways and galvanizes lazy terrorists to get off the couches and strap up. The availability of awkward information regarding American conduct in not only Iraq but other theatres of US involvement, poses a serious threat to real people. I guess you reap what you so, or at least, you reap what Wikileaks sows. Ultimately, we are all sleeping with the internet already. It is too late to pull out of engagement with it entirely and to be honest, who would want to? I’m not suggesting we log out once and for all and attempt to turn back the sundial. The internet is here to stay. What I advocate is caution in how it’s used and an awareness of the harm it can cause. ▲

“The prophet Mohammed, who you just don’t dis these days, got really dissed.”

Matt White is in his second year of political science and international relations. Matt is a regular contributor to Salient and writes the questions for the weekly On Campus column.

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TRADE OFFS

“...my various severed appendages would be of little value except perhaps as novelty collectibles...”

A list of things for which I would sacrifice various parts of my own body. ASHER EMANUEL

“I’d give my left nut for a drink right now,” I thought to myself as I sat down to write an opinion for this issue. After lambasting myself for both the cliche and hyperbole, I began to consider whether I really would exchange part of my genitalia for a drink. No, I wouldn’t—not yet, anyway. I have an inkling I want to retain reproductive functions.† Sacrosanct as my bits may be—to me at most—I have concluded (like James Franco with a pocket knife) that my less essential portions are negotiable. Aside from the obvious complication that I’m unlikely to receive any offers because (a) no one has the power to fulfil their side of the bargain (bar the elusive Jesus, who is yet to come to the party), and (b) my various severed appendages would be of little value except perhaps as novelty collectibles, I am open for business.†† For which I would lose a finger (right hand index): • A better jawline—not vain, just practical. • Grace. Not the girl, the quality—though

truth be told, I’m yet to meet a Grace not worth at least a mild disfigurement.

For which I would lose an arm: • The capacity for love. • A Twitter username that is my real name—a

spambot is currently impersonating me, and doing a better job. • My flatmates, even though they’re dicks.

For which I would lose an arm and a leg: • The capacity for ‘true love’. • To avoid brain damage, were this posed as

one of those crippling ‘would you rather’ questions that seem to facilitate new and unimaginable heights of obscenity in those who formulate them. • Forgiveness—I’ve been bad. Quite a few

times.

• For Obama to have been his old sassy self in

the first presidential candidates debate. For which I would lose my hair: • ... For which I would lose my soul:††† • A party where Satan was in attendance. • A law degree.†††† • Courage.

For which I would lose my head: • To save the lives of a significant number of strangers, though my bodiless head would spend its final seconds resenting the brutal utilitarian calculus that required as much. • Reincarnation as a blue whale.

For which I would lose my hearing: • The DVD box-set of Shortland Street 20042006.

• An opinion. ▲

• Subtitles in real life—ideally with emoticons.

For which I would lose a buttock (just one): • Confidence—though it might be counterproductive given the ensuing permanent jaunty angle.

† The first sign of madness. †† I am willing to provide Buy Now options for some—email me. ††† Presuming (a) souls are a thing, and (b) I still have mine. †††† Whoops.

Asher Emanuel is a third-year LLB/BA student. Asher is coeditor of Salient with Ollie Neas.

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OPINI●N issue

we are still the university Student activism and the state of play. SAM OLDHAM

We are living in an era of global student activism revived. This year, the largest student movement in history developed in Canada when the provincial government of Quebec threatened to raise tuition fees to the national average. In recent weeks, after months of strikes and street demonstrations numbering in the hundreds of thousands, the government abandoned its proposed reforms, and student fees in Quebec will remain the lowest in Canada. The student movement won. This week, Chilean students made headlines around the world when they were brutalised by militarised police at a free education protest. Chileans have been struggling for free education for over a year now, and attempts to appease the student movement with small concessions from the Government only serve to further galvanise resistance to its programme. In 2010, a student revolt paralysed much of central London in response to the near tripling of tuition fees for British students, and student movements continue to gain momentum in the United States, in Columbia, Argentina, and many other countries around the world. Down under, we’ve seen a similar surge in activity. A series of student occupations at Auckland University made headlines late last year, culminating in the arrest of 42 students during a peaceful sit-in of hundreds of students in June of this year. Weeks later, a group calling itself Stop the Humanities and Social Sciences Cuts staged a student occupation at La Trobe University in Melbourne. At Victoria, We Are The University has organised several sit-ins, protests and occupations over the past year, and students have been active in resisting a savage attack on the Humanities at Canterbury University in recent months.

“This year, the Victoria University council voted to raise fees, as they did last year and the year before, as they do every year.”

New Zealand students have reason to be angry: arguably, more so than students in Quebec. Since the neoliberal restructuring of the late 1980s, New Zealand universities have been increasingly starved of funding by successive governments, and acquiescent university administrations have towed the line by hiking student fees and making significant cuts to the Humanities, with little or

no meaningful consultation with students or staff. This year, the Victoria University Council voted to raise fees, as they did last year and the year before, as they do every year. University students in New Zealand pay some of the highest tuition fees in the developed world—the seventh highest, according to OECD reports. The last two National Government Budgets have set tertiary funding at historic lows, suggesting an acceleration of the trend towards New Zealand topping the table for tuition fees internationally. In addition, we can expect to see further corporatisation, with the sacking of academic staff, termination of departments like Gender and Women’s Studies, and cancellation of papers and courses as administrators seek to cut what they deem unnecessary costs. In March, the Government cancelled student allowances for postgraduate study, further heaping debt onto students who wish to further their educations. We Are the University is the banner under which students in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch have been organising. Really, the only ideological unity we share is the conviction that New Zealand students are being seriously ripped off, and that students are responsible for defending their own interests. Our primary goal is to get as many students together as possible to talk about the state of education so we can decide on some action. Last month, a leading figure in the Canadian student movement, Guillaume Legault, visited university cities around New Zealand to talk about his experiences as an organiser with the largest radical student association in Quebec, CLASSE, responsible for coordinating the student strike. Listening to him speak, it is clear that Canadian students built their movement only through hard work and dedication. Next year, get involved. Join We Are the University (wgtn) on Facebook and come to the meetings, visitwearetheuniversity.org.nz for more information, or to post articles, or whatever. As they say in Chile: “Revolt is Contagious!” ▲

Sam Oldham is a student at Victoria University. Sam has been actively involved with We Are The University since its emergence in 2011.

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OPINI●N issue

Christopher Nolan broke my heart. GENERAL GERALD LEE

“I would... spend my evenings endlessly re-watching Memento and recite all of the Joker’s lines in an embarrassing impersonation of Heath Ledger.”

The Tale of One Director, A Gullible Cinephile & the Tears That Were Shed

When I was young and impressionable I used to believe that Christopher Nolan epitomised intelligent filmmaking. To me his scripts appeared to be rife with philosophical gems, his camera was a magical instrument toying with my perceptions, and his worlds were elaborately constructed masterpieces. In short, Nolan’s films appeared to be transformative journeys into the mind and society. This year, all that changed. Suddenly all I could see were the faults and egregious oversights, whilst the magic seemed to have been swept away. I had fallen out of love with Christopher Nolan. Films have always been my passion, but I used to struggle to truly connect with any one director’s works. In my childhood, Michael Bay blockbusters would suffice, but in my adolescent search for meaning in life I looked to films that (supposedly) had substance. You can imagine my joy then when I found a filmmaker who seemed to masterfully intertwine entertainment with intelligence. My love affair with Christopher Nolan began. I would eagerly extoll the virtues of Inception to anyone who would listen, spend my evenings endlessly re-watching Memento and recite all of the Joker’s lines in an embarrassing impersonation of Heath Ledger. All of the answers to life’s greatest problems could be found within the bounds of Nolan’s camera lens. I was in a state of bliss. Then, in 2012, my idolatry was torn asunder by a little film called The Dark Knight Rises. When Salient's Arts Editor informed me that it was a pile of shit I remained in denial, insisting that it was merely the ramblings of an elitist. Then I saw it. I loathed the film, because it appeared to be the most self-indulgent piece of tripe I’d ever been subjected to. The dialogue was hammy, the music was thudding and overbearing, the plot was riddled with basic lapses in logic, whilst the editing was breathless and jarring. It was a lumbering beast, devoid of soul or technical proficiency. It wasn’t just the overt problems with the film’s construction; the political sub-text of fascism and the terrors of the 99% also rankled my liberal sensibilities. I left the cinema in a state of despair, with all of my preconceptions having been utterly smashed. This horrendous experience prompted a dark period of internal reflection. Was Rises merely an aberration or had I been missing something? After many long nights of repeated Batman Begins viewings, I realised that Rises was not an isolated incident. On closer inspection all of his characters resembled ciphers, designed only to spew half-baked morality and philosophy. Instead of grandeur I saw that his films merely provide us with scale; immense spaces that are devoid of spectacle and fail to inspire awe. What before had seemed to be skilful manipulations of the medium, turned out to be one-dimensional gimmicks. There was simply no end to the flaws. I began to peruse blogs from other disaffected lovers, where we shared stories of our betrayal. I shrieked, I seethed, I wept. The dream was well and truly over. Chris Nolan, once I admired you as the godfather of modern filmmaking. I thought you were one of the most inventive and original filmmakers of this generation, but it was all a carefully woven lie. I’ll never love another director again. ▲

Gerald is Salient’s film editor for 2012. He is a second-year BA/BCA student studying history, political science and economics.

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If all you did before meeting me, was read my high school testimonial; my life would be much easier. If that piece of paper determined my future, I would be the frontrunner in the US Presidential Race, even as an immigrant, pro-choicer. People would flock.

“Here I am...Still a romantic failure. Now no longer brilliant.”

Then University happened. University at Victoria, the 256th best university in the world, brought with it the dreadful fear of mediocrity, of commonness. It is that innate desire to be the exception that kindles this dread; the hubristic thought of being outstanding, or at least of standing out. Growing up I could successfully quash this desire. In my formative years, I wasn’t that bright (a late bloomer, they call it). My handwriting was illegible and my knowledge of Aztecs was substandard. But it didn’t matter. I was cool. I was a 7 year old in North London (it’s like being 21 in North London sans Pimm’s). I was good at Football, girls didn’t exist and I had a pretty mean go-kart. I was set for greatness. Then I hit high school. I moved here. Girls became a thing. But not with me. I didn’t get to go to many parties. I wasn’t part of the social indoor football team. My social life was well and truly abysmal. Not that it mattered. I was smart. I got Excellences. Teachers loved me. Classmates made shrines around my essays. I had found the good life. Girls would come running soon enough. I just had to keep working. Get out this country. Flourish.

TERRIFIED BY JOHN SMITH IN THE MIRROR

Here I am. Public Law. Wellington. One of three hundred second year law students. Still a romantic failure. Now no longer brilliant. The pond has got bigger or I have got smaller. Both are horrific conclusions. So this is my issue. My one real fear. Perhaps it is arrogant. It certainly is self-centered. What if I am no one? I will probably pass my courses this year. I will likely graduate with a law degree. I may well even get given a graduate position at some huge law firm. I will put on a suit. Wear a tie. Get married. Live here. Have children. Worry about a mortgage. Bring a pack lunch to work. Use Gladwrap. Maybe make a few great deals. Speak well occasionally in court. And then die. It’s not mediocrity that’s the problem. I can settle with an eccentric mediocrity. It’s normality. It’s not being known. It’s being forgotten. University engenders in people such a reliance on the future. Life is always an investment for another day. That day when you write for the New Yorker, get invites to the Oscars, have the loft apartment, be the legendary introvert at parties (it’s because he’s brilliant, they will say), and are broadly speaking someone. Finally, you will be known as a definite article. The tedium and rigmarole of university is all for that. But what if it doesn’t happen? What am I then? This anxiety is definitely irrational. Living the good life should not be dependent on marrying Emma Watson. But it is truly horrific to think that we may not all end up in a movie. It is a fear of the inevitable very likely. I want to be a precious snowflake. I want to be there. Doing it. With them. Please. ▲

Why I need to be somebody. D U N C A N M c L AC H L A N

Duncan McLachlan is a second-year LLB/BA student. Duncan has been a regular contributor to Salient throughout 2012.

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“I... remained in an oblivious fantasy world where her blindness was as newsworthy as the colour of her hair.”

f l yi n g blind Learning to deal with the devastating. FAIROOZ SAMY

The instinct to be there for the ones we care for is drilled in to us from birth. Be it the coach who yells about the sacred bonds of teamwork or the mother who makes you hold your sibling’s hand when they cross the street, we all know the importance of looking out for each other. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done. Let me explain. Since I was young, my mother (who is amazing, by the way) has been going blind.Years of cataracts and glaucoma in both eyes took their toll slowly but surely. It wasn’t that noticeable in the beginning. She’d wear special glasses to read and had to be told where the stairs began and ended if we went anywhere at night. Over time, one eye lost nearly all sight and the other began to cloud. She couldn’t make out figures on our 52-inch television or see my face clearly from two feet away. Because I was so used to my mother’s slow-but-debilitating condition, and because of her determination to remain as independent as possible, I was blindsided by two realizations. The first was how much complacent I had become. The state of her vision was something we had lived with for years, and its creeping, gradual pace had meant that I wasn’t noticing when things were getting

worse. I stopped asking what the ophthalmologist had said, or how she had been feeling, and remained in an oblivious fantasy world where her blindness was as newsworthy as the colour of her hair. It was selfish, clueless, and a self-defense mechanism. The second realization came earlier this year, when after a lifetime of denial, the inevitable happened. Our doctor confirmed that there was nothing more we could do to slow the deterioration, and total blindness would not be far off. What surprised me most was my reaction to it. Despite knowing, subconsciously, that it was coming, I was devastated, and it was because I had never allowed myself to process it as a reality. So, in the spirit of helping others avoid my mistakes, my contribution to the opinion issue is a brief checklist pertaining to family and friends whose whanau are going through similar circumstances. Be aware, but not overwhelmed As unhelpful as total denial is, obsessing over a disability can be worse. It’s important to incorporate the disability and everything it entails in to the regimes of your everyday life, but not to the point where you cry in the shower every morning.

Be united When illness strikes someone in your whanau, it’s not uncommon for reactions to be mixed. Some might take it upon themselves to be the ‘strong’ ones, while others can fall to pieces. Family cooperation is vital in helping newly-disabled people come to terms with their conditions, but make sure to keep an eye out for how everyone else is coping. Get informed Knowing the facts about the condition will show that you care and will help you to anticipate future challenges. These can range from knowing where to find support groups, to dealing with possible emotional breakdowns. Stay respectful Telling someone to look on the bright side after they’ve suffered a permanent physical impairment is sanctimonious and douchy. That said, the doom and gloom approach is no better, so the key here is ‘respect’. Knowing how (and when) to help is a valuable skill, and one that you’ll hone by communicating honestly and respectfully. ▲

Fairooz Samy is one of Salient’s two paid feature writers. Fariooz is currently a Bachelor of Arts honours student.

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Despite all conscious efforts not to, I am slowly but inescapably becoming my father. This realisation struck me one day when I was crossing campus; stopping to say hello to people, pausing to commiserate with a brokenhearted friend, all in all business as usual. Then the long suffering person who I had been walking with asked in a kind but exasperated tone why I had to always stop and talk to people, how did I know them all? In films they do this bit with a slow motion moment or a sharp cut to a drastically different scene. In my mind everything paused. I was on the banks of the Kennet-Avon canal in the south of England, still one of my top holiday experiences, asking mum “why does he always have to stop and talk to everyone?” It had been about five minutes, which to a seven-year-old can make or break a day, and I was at my limit. Right throughout my childhood this was a constant motif that characterised my dad’s behavior, a genuine interest and desire to converse with almost anyone who crossed his path. At seven I was indignant, but over time I just accepted it and then sort of stopped noticing it, until very recently when called up on my own behavior. While this doesn’t seem like a big deal, this is but one symptom of many. I generally feel uncomfortable if not wearing a jersey, classic dad behavior. I thought I’d stumbled across a bargain at a flat trip to a church fair, a ten dollar tweed jacket seeming like an excellent idea at the time. I have now grown attached to it and to an observer’s eye now appear as a lamb in ram’s clothing. This is a struggle. It’s not so much a quarter life crisis; rather it’s the crisis of realising you’re middle aged way before your time. The proverb goes that the clothes maketh the man, but it is also the lack of concern for clothes which defines how you are seen. I’m generally not bothered, as long as I’m warm and comfortable I could give a shit what anyone else thinks. The problem is that this is another feature I have inherited, and it goes even beyond the limitations I have in place now. One friend was genuinely shocked to his core to witness my father’s sandal and socks worn below the trousers combo, to the point he felt the need to have a quiet word to me about standards.

In My Father’ s Sho es And I'm okay with that. R O B K E L LY

Despite my best efforts the evolution continues. My attempts at humor can really only be categorised in one genre, that of the dad joke. Punch lines are met with groans and collective eye rolls, which have become a really valuable source of personal validation. I can’t help it, I love the set ups, and I relish the shattering of people’s already low expectations. I am becoming my father, but that is okay. I am of the firm opinion that he is one of the kindest and most genuine people I have ever met. If turning into him means living by my own terms, by welcoming people of all walks and by telling awful shaggy dog stories to those I love, then that’s absolutely fine by me. I will continue to stop and talk to people, not out of a conscious effort to be like him, but just because that is who I am. If that personality is one with a heavily inherited flavor then that is okay. The brown leather shoes I wear are his, but I’m proud to have my feet in them. ▲

“I ... now appear as a lamb in ram’s clothing.”

Robert Kelly has been Salient’s Visual Arts Editor for 2012. Robert is in his third year studying English Literature and History.

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(Not) In De f ense of Chr is Brown

The Double Standard Edition. PHILIP MCSWEENEY

“...John Lennon would go home from recording sessions and mercilessly beat his wife.”

In a contemporary world where a slew of viral images make the rounds daily, one appears more heart-warming than the rest. Many of y’all will have seen the image I refer to; a screen-cap of a scathing review by Chris Havercroft of Chris Brown’s latest offering which states “the man recently brutally assaulted a girlfriend and is still regularly invited back to award shows and is worshipped by ‘Breezy’ fans worldwide,” before concluding “final words: don’t buy the album. NO STARS EVER.” Hear-fucking-hear. While I certainly find the sentiments of the review laudable, there’s something problematic about this that niggles me. There’s the pinpointing of Chris Brown at the exclusion of a culture that is complicit—if not supportive—of his doings. The Grammy’s, for example, happily

invited him back to perform this year. In the immediate aftermath of the brutal assault, to speak ill of Chris Brown as a celebrity was a kind of anathema, with insistence placed on ‘not knowing the full story’ or ‘it’s complicated’. Mostly, however, I think that ragging on Chris Brown is too fucking easy. R’n’B is an oft-maligned genre and Chris Brown is an oftmaligned musician to match. Few consider his output artistic, or acute, or anything else that would qualify it as a work of genius. Indictments of the shoddy quality of his music are unlikely to meet much dissension. So to that end, before you show me a negative review of Chris Brown: Show me a review of Nico (of ‘The Velvet Underground and Nico’ fame) that insists Nico

was an appalling racist who once callously stabbed a Black woman in the eye after shouting ‘I hate black people’, NO STARS EVER. Show me a review of The Piano that says ‘Roman Polanski is a convicted rapist who thought himself above serving time for his crime, NO OSCARS EVER’. Show me a review of a feature film staring Sean Penn that says ‘Penn assaulted Madonna with a baseball bat so severely that the incident left her hospitalised, NO MORE HOLLYWOOD OPPORTUNTIES EVER’. It seems that when it comes to anything that falls under the ‘art’ umbrella, we have no compunction in either (a) separating the creator from their art if and when we see fit or (b) condoning the creator’s deeds because of their art. Chris Brown the person and Chris Brown the musician are part and parcel. I suspect that race has a factor in this too; there is a trend of Black artists being vilified while white counterparts are vindicated. No-one is going to lose any sleep over deleting Chris Brown’s oeuvre from their iTunes, but people may be somewhat more conflicted in deleting Sgt. Pepper’s, regardless of the documented fact that John Lennon would go home from recording sessions and mercilessly beat his wife. To those who seem baffled as to why Chris Brown has retained such a loyal and devoted fan-base willing to let him off the hook so easily: you, and I, do the exact same thing too. Calling out Chris Brown is gleefully satisfying but ultimately useless. We need to attack and deconstruct the canonized works, works that are revered as high art, works that have unimpeachable standings. We need to critique art that we like, artists that we admire, adore, revere, and call them out on their bullshit. As it is, we’re just shooting fish in a barrel, challenging nothing and going nowhere. Oh yeah! Chris Brown has a new album out. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s predictably abysmal; and as this article going to press he remains as unrepentant and smug as ever. Fuck you dude. Don’t buy the album; NO STARS EVER. ▲

Philip McSweeney has been Salient’s Music Editor for 2012. Philip is also host of the weekly Infidel Castro show on the VBC 88.3 fm, Wednesday from 12-2pm, and is a part-time vagrant.

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IN DEFENSE OF AYN RAND

“You might have heard her writing’s terrible, and you’d be right.”

But Randians are not insane, they’re just people like you and me who have their own prejudices, and own reasons for believing the things they do. Surely the kind of person who is irked by the hint of a “Randian notion”, should want to understand why millions of people have thrown their weight behind her ideals? What exactly is it that she says that rings truthfully? Why does their curiosity not get the better of them? Perhaps people are afraid that by reading anything antonymous to their values, they will forever be unable to convince everyone they know that they’re “not really into it”. What a sad state of affairs if that’s true.

Or why you shouldn’t complain of books you've never read. HUGO McKINNON

Of the people I know, some like to say some very scathing things about neo-liberal woman of force, Ayn Rand.Yet, of the people I know, I am the only one who’s bothered to read any of her books. This is problematic, and causes me to feel obligated to assume some of the responsibility for defending her; because it seems ill-advised for one to make comparisons to books one has never read. It would be strange of me, for example, having read no Dickens, to say in passing: “Why mother, what a very Dickensian thought for you to have had today,”

or “Goodness father, that’s quite a Dickensian woman’s blouse for you to be wearing to Grandmama’s funeral.”

So I find it very odd when one person I know accuses another person I’ve just met of holding a “very Randian notion,” and to mean it in an inflammatory manner; as if the comparison has

made everything the accused has ever said null and void. The accuser might then spend the rest of the evening shaking their head at news footage of “insane”, Atlas Shrugged-quoting Tea Partiers. “Who is John Galt anyway?” they ask, unaware of the irony. “I don’t have to read it to know what it’s about.” Which is actually true. In general, you should not read everything that you know in all likelihood you will not like.You would not have enough time for important things, like croquet, and smiling at strangers in the park. But the kind of person who says things like “Randian notions” is mentally invested in opposing them. That kind of person definitely should read Atlas Shrugged, merely so they have an informed opinion on what exactly they are opposing. It is too easy to label a group of people who disagree with you as “insane”.

You might have heard her writing’s terrible, and you’d be right. The main character in Atlas Shrugged spends most of her time describing super solid steel with phallic expertise, while the rest stand around in doorways looking “moody”, “reserved” and “tortured”, claiming to be feeling things they have no words to describe (although Rand herself is seemingly able to find 950 pages worth of words to do so). Yet despite the diatribe, they ultimately find happiness not in cash-money, but in using their minds to be creative, to make things worthwhile and of high quality (not only consumer goods either, by the way). They prioritise their integrity over anything else. Rand was a blazing feminist, who just happened to have a clitoral erection for the gold standard. The positive romantic relationships in the book, are not fuelled by jealousy, but by mutual respect between lovers, and actual communication between partners. Are those ‘Randian notions’ too? (I still support income tax.) ▲ Eds' Note: Yes, that is indeed a photograph of Ayn Rand. We, too, were shocked.

Hugo McKinnon, 19, is News Editor at Salient. Originally from Matamata, he has forever regretted not entering Calf Club Day.

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The hum of their evening prayer—pigeons take flight.There stands Sultanahmet Camii, more than stone.

Rose Burrowes is a second year student of Politics and International Relations. Rose has been Salient’s faithful in-house photographer throughout 2012.

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serv i ce not av al iable

Why you shouldn’t dump people by text. CARLO SALIZZO

A few issues ago, Salient’s Roxy Heart advised us—in the midst of genuinely good advice—that a text message is an appropriate medium for a breakup, as long as it fits within the ‘context’ of the relationship. As a sensitive new age guy (a SNAG, if you will) I was outraged. From the comfort of my functional relationship that is built on mutual respect and affection, I feel compelled to condemn such behaviour. If only because I am sick of counselling my amazingly beautiful, intelligent, well-regarded (predominantly female, obviously) friends that they need not dignify these social felons with any kind of respect. Attempted HG Beattie stylings aside, I can’t see how anything that is appropriate to end via SMS could ever be called a ‘relationship’. If you’ve crossed that line and can legitimately use the ‘R’ word, you are pretty much by definition obligated to give them at least the courtesy of at least a phone call. After months of reflection, the only possible relationship that it’s understandable to end by text would be one that is conducted entirely in that format. In that case, the dignity of even a phonecall would actually be terrible—what kind of person makes the first time their partner hears their voice into the last?

“God knows I live in fear of learning my relationship is over on Overheard@Vic.”

Everyone is always harping on about having to move with the times, and with technology. Which is great. I am all for adding a competitive Call of Duty event to the Olympics in the place of racewalking, if only for Keith Quinn’s commentary. But much like the Government, it has no place in our bedrooms. The argument that technology is good falls down when you consider other technobreakup options, such as tweeting it, changing one’s relationship status or dumping by meme. God knows I live in fear of learning my relationship is over on Overheard@Vic. Relationships are, in a pure sense, based on two people treating each other nicely. They should end with an equal degree of respect. Now, obviously, that isn’t always going to be the case. Sometimes people will not be able to bear the thought of seeing their soonto-be-ex in person. When you’re tactically trying to raze someone’s emotions from within, texting is a fairly useful option. Though it doesn’t give you much room for emotive name-calling. But there is more to the strategy of ending a relationship properly. Texts are, by their very nature, fragile and temporary. That’s what really sets them apart from a call or even a letter. A breakup is never going to be taken seriously if it’s done via text message, and it’s pretty much guaranteed to be replied to with an “OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS?” Which also happens to neatly illustrate the point that it’s demeaning to everyone involved when a breakup involves an initialism or acronym of any kind. All of this is of course only relevant if you are interested in being a decent human being. If you don’t care either way, well, I’d question whether you are even capable of being in a relationship in the first place. Hell, you probably think sexting is a good idea. But that’s a column I pray I never have to write.

Carlo Salizzo is a third-year design and fashion student. Carlo has been Chief Sub-Editor for Salient since 2011, and has been the author of Salient’s weekly Top 10 and Of The Week columns.

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Preparing fo r 2 0 1 5

Cricket's not what it was.

Hamish McConnohie has been Salient’s political columnist for 2012. Hamish has a LinkedIn profile.

HAMISH MCCONNOCHIE

The Blacks Caps aren’t the only ones who need to lift their game ahead of the 2015 Cricket World Cup—New Zealand does too. We’re co-hosting the event with Australia, but just how prepared are we? In exactly three years’ time, the opening matches of the 2015 Cricket World Cup will be underway, and half of the matches will be played on our shores. In Wellington alone, we’ve got an on-going debate around a State Highway 1 flyover running adjacent to the park, an earthquake prone stand that’s supposed to have been demolished and replaced by now to make room for the Barmy Army this summer. At least they’re upgrading the playing surface, even if that means our Firebirds will be playing First Class cricket at Karori Park instead. It’s also worth asking if the Basin will feature in the World Cup or if all our matches will be at the Caketin. Hell, will it even be pleasant watching cricket in October in

Wellington? Auckland is persisting with Eden Park, despite its boundaries being far too short and anything but oval. Cricket at both Eden Park and Westpac Stadium will see drop in pitches heavily used and will require rescheduling for the ITM Cup and A-League—unless they try to accommodate the other codes. If that is the case, expect poor quality playing surfaces. The groundsmen are already facing an uphill battle with October cricket, football and rugby ripping up the grass isn’t going to be doing them any favours. And then we have Christchurch. Will our third largest city miss out on hosting another major event due to infrastructure? I would like to imagine some of the issues that prevented them from partaking in the 2011 Rugby World Cup will be resolved by then. Hotels, cafes, bars and restaurants should be at an adequate level to support traveling teams and fans, but where will they play? The tour of England this summer is

Ka utua te katoa o ōu utu akoranga, ka whiwhi hoki i te $30,000 mō ia tau e ako ana koe. Tono mai mō tētahi Karahipi Panoni Mahi. Haere ki TeachNZ.govt.nz, waea atu rānei ki 0800 165 225 mō ētahi atu kōrero.

bypassing the city and when South Africa played a warm up Twenty20 match against Canterbury, Hagley Park was used. The government stumped up the cash to build a temporary rugby stadium in the city. The shift of rugby and cricket away from Carisbrook to Forsyth Barr and University Oval respectively also raises questions. University Oval is a small ground with a capacity of 6000. The big winners at the 2015 World Cup looks likely to be Hamilton and Napier, with proper ovals and the stands to match. The country, on a whole, seems to be apathetic about hosting the 2015 World Cup—or even cricket in general. The Twenty20 World Cup wasn’t exactly sending Kiwis into raptures. Let’s not forget the last time we were supposed to co-host a major event with Australia. We didn’t get ourselves organised and had to relinquish the rights. Hopefully we don’t make that mistake again. ▲

hei whakaako kaupapa i te reo Māori rānei ēnei karahipi. Ka tuwhera ngā Karahipi Panoni Mahi i te – 1 o Whiringaā-rangi 2012. Ka kati i te – 3 o Hakihea 2012.

Ngā Karahipi Panoni Mahi. For Te Reo speakers only. Kura Tuatahi – Kaiako Kaupapa Māori. Mā ngā ākonga ka hiahia ki te whakaako tamariki kura tuatahi i te reo Māori ēnei karahipi. Ka tuwhera ngā Karahipi Panoni Mahi i te – 1 o Whiringa-ā-nuku 2012. Ka kati i te – 5 o Whiringa-ā-rangi 2012. Kura Tuarua – Kaiako Reo Māori. Mā ngā ākonga ka — 33 — hiahia ki te whakaako tamariki kura tuarua i te reo Māori,

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What talent? Losing half of your Sunday and half of your dignity to New Zealand’s latest TV fad. P H I L L I PA W E B B

So obviously any girl that isn’t getting a text back is bound to get sassy over something. My target this time? The New Zealand’s Got Talent series, or what I like to call, New Zealand’s- Got-Talent-But-Not-On-This-Show series. Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past few months you’ll know that New Zealand’s Got Talent has hit New Zealand’s silver screen. Aired on Sunday nights on One, it cuts into half an hour of Sunday; one of the few current affairs shows left our dismal excuse of a public broadcasting system. Currently, it is the highest rating television show across almost all New Zealand demographics. So with so many people watching it, what is it saying about NZ? First on my sass list is the lack of any substantial female representation on the show. The only woman that gets to speak is long-legged blond ambition Rachel Hunter. She giggles, flips her hair, and gives feedback like “That was just amazing, you’ve just got so much talent in you.” Oh come on Rachel say something meaningful. That dancing old man with the cute knitted jumper is not going to make it internationally. Second on my sass list is the step back in our colonial history by letting England have a say. The British judge on the panel is former UB40 front man Ali Thompson. I’m a fan of ‘Red Red Wine’ and his accent is kind of cute, but I firmly believe that in a country that has an identity very distinct from our British ‘motherland,’ we do

not need a colonial eye to decide what is talent and what is not. And now that I’ve got my knickers in twist what better time to bring up the ‘talent.’ The JGeeks. A metro-Maori dance group that has captivated the nation with pelvic thrusts and a very smooth mix of urban and traditional Maori culture. However, the JGeeks were an established group with a huge following before the show, and isn’t the whole point to find new talent? Though probably the most uncomfortable talent is the now YouTube sensation “Ching Chong.” It was a comedic performance where Ji-Ying, a Kiwi/Korean girl sang of her own difficulties of “growing up Asian in New Zealand.” It received applause and gold stars from the judges. But is it okay to laugh at what is probably a very real struggle for some kiwis? Every episode I’ve watched, (which is quite a few, including extended clips because the boy saga has been going on for quite awhile) I’ve felt like a tourist on a bus in Rotorua watching all the cringe worthy stereotypes that shape what John Key tells us is our “national identity.” But boy problems aside, if this is what New Zealand On Air Funding is going towards, I say bring back TVNZ 6 and 7. Or at least do something a little more substantial than NZGT, The GC and The Ridges. But at least the latter two have some semblance of a plot line. Ladies and gentlemen that is my sass-rant. And now that the boy has texted back I will no longer be watching any of that NZGT drivel. ▲

Phillipa Webb is a second year student in political science and media studies. Phillipa has been a news intern at Salient for 2012.

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"That dancing old man with the cute knitted jumper is not going to make it internationally."

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately. Both as a form of procrastination, but also as part of grieving the Dating the Boy Next-Door saga that has gripped our Kelburn Flat.

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Uther Dean write Salient’s weekly Things You Already Know But Just Need To Be Told column and is the creator of This Is A Comic And You Are Reading It. In 2011 he was one of the two coeditors of Salient.

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FEMIN ISM : ST TII L LL L FU F U C KIN K IN G RELE R EL E VAN VA N T On the road yet to be travelled. BRIDIE HOOD

Like these 16 students, I feel like society has accepted that feminism is no longer needed or relevant. In New Zealand critics cite Helen Clark, Margaret Wilson, Theresa Gattung and Dame Sian Elias as evidence that we have reached equality in this country, and therefore feminism is no longer needed or relevant. While it is true that women have gained the right to vote and enter into higher education, while rape by our husbands is no longer legal and we can climb the career ladder, like the above ladies show, the fact of the matter is gender inequality still exists in this country. We have reached milestones, but we have not achieved equality. And this is not just an inequality between men and women, but there is even great inequality between these groups and members of the LGBT community.

only harder to argue against, but also harder to notice. Often they are disregarded as individual issues, rather than problems that affect a whole section of society.

“We have reached milestones, but we have not achieved equality.”

Earlier this year a group of 16 female students in a women studies class at Duke University, launched a PR campaign for feminism entitled ‘Who Needs Feminism’. Asking Duke students and the wider community to submit photos with their personal declarations about why they needed feminism in their lives, challenging the perception that it is no longer needed or relevant in today’s society. The campaign quickly went viral and people from all over the world were participating in, and sharing the campaign.

While feminism has managed to eliminate or decrease the most obvious and visible injustices, inequality still pervades many of our daily interactions. While there are still some quite visible injustices that operate within our society such as pay equity and the lack of women in Parliament, many of the most harmful injustices are ‘invisible’. They operate at a structural level and therefore are not

Let me ask you. Can we really argue that there is gender equality in this county when we have multinational cosmetic conglomerates telling us that women’s bodies aren’t good enough just the way they are? When we get shamed as ‘sluts’ for wearing what we please and sleeping with whom we choose? When one of the greatest insults to a man is being called ‘pussy’ or ‘girl’? When menopause is constructed as an ‘illness’ that needs to be treated, rather than as a natural stage of life? When old, white men in power start throwing around the word ‘legitimate rape’? It is because of these inequalities that feminism is still needed, and in fact, is more relevant than ever. Feminism itself can be hard to define. Based on your age, race, class, gender, sexual orientation, feminism can mean something a little different to everyone. And to the movement’s detriment, the critics of feminism have been successful in being able to negatively contort the word and strip it of its meaning. For me, feminism is basic. It’s the idea that men, women and those who define themselves as neither (and who don’t define themselves at all), are people. And that all people are equal. A truly equal society is not achievable without feminism. If we seek to eliminate the barriers that perpetuate gender inequality, then we need feminism by our side. It is only if we understand, utilise, and accept feminism that we may one day create a society where someone’s worth and value is not based on what is (or isn’t) between their legs. ▲

Bridie Hood is the President of VUWSA for 2012. Bridie has ruled with an iron fist.

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ON THE POTENTIAL IMPORTANCE TO YOUR LIFE OF THE BESOTHO SLIT-FACED BAT Why Doing What Is Practical Is A Poor Reason To Do Anything OLLIE NEAS

“This is the reason why everyone over thirty is racked with alopecia, angina and soul-destroying regret.”

I’m no mathematician, but in all statistical likelihood, it has happened to you before. You’ve been at a party and have professed to an acquaintance that you’ve spent the day memorising the taxonomy of the Ankylosauria group of herbivorous dinosaurs. The routine reply from your generic liquor-imbibed associate: “wut. You’re weird. Why would you do that? Of what use is that?” At this point, the shame sets in.You can feel it, can’t you? You see, they spent their day doing something useful. More likely than not, it was something practical. Now, in your defence you could employ the classic “I learnt it to improve my prospects in a pub-quiz” line. But if you did that, you would be lying.You gave your time to the Ankylosauria for no reason at all. Following curiosity’s sweet scent you were lead to the millennia-decayed carcass of a nearlyforgotten vegetarian beast. Do not be ashamed, my friend. It is Mr. Practical who deserves your condemnation. But pause before cleansing the shame, for we are all guilty of this ankylosauria-aversion—even if

we do consider ourselves dino-bros. In fact, we let this aversion guide our lives. Usually though, we call this attitude being ‘practical’—or sometimes ‘being an adult’, ‘making the tough decisions’, or ‘being responsible’. It may even look as subtle as the person who asserts during a drunken stand-off that the ability to coif the bun of your hair is more worth-while than learning about cloud formations. I mean, after all, how will cloud formations assist your ascension as a budding young socialite? You can’t put cloud-formations on your CV. This delusion of practicality says that the worth of everything is determined by its likely utility to your career, or your financial or social ‘advancement’. It’s as if the only use in doing anything is so that the thing in question becomes something else. I do X because it will do Y, and Y is good for me because one day it will do Z. Now, of course life is all about compromise— putting the bread on the table and all that—but the decision not to learn about the migration patterns of the Galapagos Swallow isn’t an all or nothing decision; death is not on the line here. It’s an unnecessary trade-off. Most of the time, the practicality defence is deployed out of sheer cowardice and lack of imagination. Here’s a challenge. Next time you hear the phrase, “That’s not relevant to my life”, or, “There are more productive uses of my time”, think: Really? What are these great products? What is this ultimate end that we’re after? And if you then profess to know this supreme end, how is it that you’ve figured it out? I mean, with your youth and your limited knowledge and your inability to know what the future will bring, it seems a little presumptuous, doesn’t it? The answer is there isn’t some ultimate end— and I would hazard a guess that you don’t think there is one either. Those pastures of green are pastures of fiction. And by being practical, you’re burning bridges which you don’t even know exist yet. This is the reason why everyone over thirty is racked with alopecia, angina and souldestroying regret. They buried the treasure-chest of curiosities by investing in some great pay-off that has never come and never will. We need to stop controlling our curious urges in the name of the false idol of practicality. Being practical leads nowhere. This is fine. But the problem is we think it does—this is why we give it special preference. We shouldn’t. But why are these mundane—and impractical—things any better? Why allow your urges to lead you to a dusty-old journal detailing the mating cycles of the Basotho slit-faced bat? Because—quite simply—these things add texture to the fine fabric of life. For what end you may ask? For no end but that. And that’s just fine by me. ▲

Ollie Neas is a third-year LLB/BA student. Ollie is coeditor of Salient with Asher Emanuel.

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We Have So Much Creativity Our

P rod u ctio n C o m p a ny Is Named After The Working Working Title Title

O f St a r W a r s Why Getting Noticed Doesn't Mean Selling Ourselves Short ADAM GOODALL

In early August, three ‘industry professionals’—Media Design School lecturer Paul Swadel, ex-NZ Film Commission Distribution Manager Daniel Story, and ‘Hollywood veteran’ Steve Barr—announced the formation of Blue Harvest Shorts, a producer pod funded by the Film Commission’s Premiere Shorts fund. In a video that wantonly abused the word ‘kick-ass’, the trio laid out their plans for the $180,000 at their disposal. They also distances themselves from the commercial poison that is the “dark drama” (“If you’ve got a film about a solo mum in a wheelchair living in South Auckland, it’s probably not the right script to bring to us,” Story gravely intoned). I’m not going to tell them how to spend their money, though it would be within my rights to given their government funding. They want to sink their money into ‘kick-ass’ zombie apocalypses, more power to them. But it’s revealing that they think, to “have an eye on the world market”, New Zealand filmmakers must make genre films and only be identifiable as New Zealand films through an NZFC title card. To Blue Harvest, it seems we are the reason our films aren’t viable commercial products—it’s the fault of our hang-ups, our lives, our culture. They’re here to save us from ourselves. That’s absolute horseshit. First, it’s patently false. Of the seven films the NZFC lists on their ‘Latest Feature Films’ page, five are genre works - horror (The Devil’s Rock), rom-com (My Wedding and Other Secrets; Love Birds), action (Tracker), and dark comedy (Predicament). We’ve also seen national and international success with dark dramas (Whale Rider, In My Father’s Den, Out of the Blue) and socially-conscious comedies (Boy). It’s not like the films Blue Harvest wants to make aren’t being made—and it’s not like the films they disparage aren’t

being noticed. But that’s a distraction. The point is not that we already make Blue Harvest’s coveted ‘world market’ films (a lot of them awful—for every How to Meet Girls from a Distance, there’s a Ferryman or an Under the Mountain). The major problem is Blue Harvest’s insinuations that our own stories aren’t interesting to anyone but ourselves. Fuck that. The idea that a filmmaker shouldn’t tell the stories they want if they want to be noticed is ridiculous. Blue Harvest would have us play a perpetual game of cultural catch-up, trying to mimic what’s popular in a lame attempt to get Hollywood’s attention. If the film industry were a playground and the Hollywood studios were the popular kids, Blue Harvest would be the kids dressing like them in a desperate attempt to be ‘accepted’. Nobody likes those kids. Our stories are important, need to be supported, and will be supported – if we tell them. We don’t ‘get noticed’ by being pale imitations of things that already exist, and we, as a creative community and a film industry, don’t benefit from those imitations, those Ferrymans and Love Birdses...ses. When we start being honest with ourselves, when we take ownership of our stories and stop acting like they’re something to be ashamed of, we benefit - we make films that look good, are good, and get attention. If we don’t care about what we have to say, if we only want to say what other people are saying, why even say it? Besides, we tell good stories anyway.▲

Adam Goodall is the Salient Arts Editor. In his spare time he studies law and other things at Victoria.

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“They want to sink their money into ‘kick-ass’ zombie apocalypses, more power to them.”

“We are keen on high-concept genre shorts because they are a solid stepping stone into commercial features…NZ is a small place and we need to be making films that have an eye on the world market.” Paul Swadel, Media Design School senior 3D lecturer

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TH IS IS W HY I AM PR OLIFE

I am prolife. So shoot me now. Hate on me, tell me I’m a judgmental anti-woman anti-choice hypocritical right wing fundamentalist middle-class white male. Ask questions later, or maybe not at all, since you already know what I’m like just because I’m pro-life… Really? Because (a) I’m a woman, and (b) while it's easy to judge on first impressions, it rarely gives you the full picture. I’ve become close with people who have radically opposite ideological or political views to me. I don’t hate on people who can afford to buy themselves (multiple) coffees every day just because I can’t. I’ve learned not to assume the worst about the homeless begging on the streets. There is more to each one of them than what meets the eye, and until I’ve taken the time to get to know them, I simply cannot judge.

My beliefs, in short. M A R Y- A N N E E V E R S

So please don’t judge me before you know me. I am pro-life. But it’s more than you think. I do have moral and ethical reasons to be against abortion. The entity in the womb is human and it is ethically wrong to kill it. But that’s not everything. That might be the face you see when I represent my club at O Week, but it’s much bigger than that. I believe in the intrinsic value of all human life, and strive in all my actions to uphold and promote the dignity and value of this life. Being pro-life is not just the icing on the cake. It’s the flavour that permeates through all my actions. It’s about giving my morning tea to the homeless guy begging on Lambton Quay. It’s about giving a hug to the street kids I hang out with on Friday nights, and taking them out because they’re special, just because. It’s about challenging society to come up with something better for women in crisis pregnancy, and refusing to think I’m something less (than a man) because my reproductive systems are designed to support new life. I believe abortion is wrong, but rather than fighting for a society where abortion is illegal, I dream of and strive for a society where abortion is unnecessary. We need better access to alternatives, not easier access to abortion. Places where young mothers are cared for and supported during pregnancy and the early stages of motherhood are few and far between. The adoption law is outdated, the process complicated—how is this a real choice? Crisis pregnancy is never easy. Society (and the government) expects women to work, to have a career. Boyfriends “aren’t ready to be a dad”. Parents get angry. Communities shun and judge young mothers. Sometimes just being a woman isn’t easy. But abortion doesn’t make it any easier.

“The entity in the womb is human and it is ethically wrong to kill it.”

I call on our communities to rally together to encourage and support women through their pregnancies, to celebrate the beautiful life inside them. Women and men in society who have more money to spare: financially support women in crisis pregnancies.Young and old who have more time than money, use your skills—refurbish refuge houses, collect funds, baby clothes, do something! Look, it’s not about the woman vs the child. Can’t we love and look after them both? Actually can’t we just love everyone? Like, just because? ▲

Mary-Anne Evers is a second-year student, studying law English literature and history. Mary-Anne is President of the club LifeChoice at Victoria University.

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History of ▲

o h d ear, n o t a no th e r t r i a ngle !

T H RO U G H T H E AG E S

The triangle appears to have been adopted by nearly all the nations of antiquity as a symbol of the Deity.

You may have noticed a common theme this year: the triangle. It is a pretty nifty geometric shape, which has seen a growing popularity in all things design. Here is how the magic happens.

R AC H E A L R E E V E S

Egyptians

The Triangle & Design

• • •

A L O O K AT I N F L U E N T I A L D E S I G N M O V E M E N T S

Represents the descending rays of the sun. A teleportation device to heaven. An ode to Osiris (Egyptian deity).

Wizards • △ represents males & ▽ represents •

- 1919 -

- Now -

Modernism

Constructivism

Contemporary

eg. Wassily Kandinsky / Laszlo Moholy-Nagy

eg. El Lissitzky / Alexander Rodchenko

e.g. Kate Moross / Ever y kid with Adobe Photoshop

females in Pagan religions. Alchemical elemental symbols of fire & water.

Monotheism

Triangles in Salient: A breakdown

•

A L O O K AT H O W T H E M A G A Z I N E I S M A D E

In Christianity the Eye of God is depicted in a triangle. Predominant in Renaissance period.

70% A MONKEY MADE THIS Freemasons / Illuminati

Pretty simple really.

•

CONSPIRACY THEORY

Symbol of Illuminati, an Enlightmentera secret society alleged to control world affairs and establish the New World Order.

23% APPEASE ALL DEITIES Just like Jay-Z and Lady Gaga, the Illumanti also uses Salient to influence the masses. For every triangle I place, my Swiss Bank Account grows by 6.66 per cent.

Sheer number of cigarettes creates concern for mortality. Deities like triangles.

Hispters •

It is just so hot right now.

Racheal Reeves has been the designer for Salient throughout 2012 for which she won the awards for best design and best cover at the Aotearoa Student Press Association Awards. Racheal doesn't actually like triangles.

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Lite mayonnaise is shit You hear that? That’s me opining for you. H I L A R Y B E AT T I E

I want any opinion I offer to be well reasoned, evenly balanced and carefully articulated. Sadly, I am totally unable to fulfill this expectation of myself and my attention span is shot to shit. Please accept the following brief opinions. Consider them the microgreens on this very meaty salad of subjectivity. Stickers that say “I only date boys that vote Green” would be best replaced by ones that say “I only date boys that vote left in the dream of joining the ranks of the liberal intelligentsia but will sadly later find that the vines of the corporate jungle inevitably veer to the right.” Spotlight is an acceptable and worthwhile way to spend an entire afternoon. In identifying this inevitability, the burden now falls upon me to eschew it.

The best Dashboard Confessional angst anthem is ‘Stolen’, not ‘Vindicated’. The frustration at not getting in-jokes ninety per cent of the time is outweighed by the satisfaction of getting them ten per cent of the time. If you don’t like it, blame Bobby Brown.

Lite mayonnaise is shit. There is a twenty-year-old social equivalent of being sixteen and not driving other people while on your Restricted, and I don’t know what it is, but I’m probably doing it, and it’s probably dire. I don’t think that it’s possible to be in a worse social situation than having just been introduced to a circle of people by your name and the immortal line “She believes in capital punishment.” Karen Walker jewellery does not say “I stay abreast of fashion in an unfazed way.” It says “I went to Melbourne with my mother for my super sweet 16 and I’m wearing chicken fillets rn.” The Talking Heads song ‘This Must Be The Place’ is a song that hipsters put on to signal the alcohol-induced transition from ‘socially acceptable’ music to something that sounds suspiciously like ‘What Took You So Long’ by Emma Bunton.

“The best joke I have heard this year is “did you hear about the really small zoo? It only had a dog. It was a Shitzu.”

Facebook is a place where the only appropriate anxiety is social. I will not be made to feel guilty by updates of your community initiatives and extracurricular efforts.Your sponsor child is (figuratively, more’s the pity) getting my goat.

The best thing in Salient this year was the Tabloid issue feature about milk prices. Richard D’Ath wrote it.You should look it up.

The best joke I have heard this year is “did you hear about the really small zoo? It only had a dog. It was a Shi Tzu.”

I didn’t realise quite how private-schooled I was until I came across a comment thread two years after leaving where Iago was misquoted as saying ‘I hate the poor’ and it came screaming back to me that we were warned to keep things left for the markers. Puns on countries’ names are the cheapest form of entertainment I can think of. (You thought of masturbation, didn’t you? That’s disgusting. It makes you go blind. That’s how Braille came about. Splatter testing.) As for the puns, Moroccan some right now. I just adlib ya know? If you can think of something good for Burkina Faso, we can get married. I got great hair and a sick dowry. All interpersonal relations are to be rationalised as objective ‘interactions’. Sometimes i think this, only to then remember that I’m not Bicentennial Man. Sigh, because he totally pulled Ms Honey. Girls should show off their backs, not their chests. Boys should make like geisha and show off their forearms. The fact that I just mentioned this to my friend and he put his self-described ‘chicken forearms’ under the table either serves to prove that I am correct or that I am ugly. Banana Paddle Pops are due a revival. Tiger Woods ruined men. ▲

I will know that I have turned into my mother when going to

Hilary Beattie is the author of Salient’s weekly Mulled Whine with H.G. Beattie column. Hilary is in the third year of a BA/LLB.

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I Know I’m Right

“A debate about higher taxes versus lower spending is treated as being equivalent to a debate about ice cream flavours.”

And I think that you should too. R I C H A R D D ’ AT H

I was asked to write an opinion piece for this issue of Salient. Opinion is an interesting term. On the one hand, it could simply be an expression of preference: my opinion is that French vanilla is a particularly delicious flavour of ice cream, certainly more delicious than the green “mint” flavours that seem to dangerously proliferate.Yet, these opinions don’t seem nearly weighty enough. If you read the opinion columns of a newspaper, they always seem to weigh in on the big issues. Politics. Philosophy. Those sorts of things. I can do that. I have no shame in declaring, for example, that based on all the evidence I have considered, free trade produces the best outcomes. Trade barriers tend to benefit a minority of people at the expense of the many. But is it appropriate that I call this belief an “opinion”? By calling these beliefs opinions I am essentially calling them a preference. But if something is merely a preference, then it is simply one of many equally valid alternatives. But my opinions on politics are not merely preferences like “French vanilla” or “mint”, because most political opinions carry a substantial

moral dimension: my stance on free trade is based on a belief that it reduces suffering. That makes it a statement of moral fact. If I genuinely believe what I say I believe, then I can’t accept that there are reasonable disagreements. If I genuinely believe that trade barriers establish a system of privileged minorities at the expense of the unprivileged majority, I can’t then say I recognise the validity of other opinions without compromising my own morality. If I think protectionism creates suffering, how can I tolerate those who support those barriers? I wouldn’t accept the “opinions” of a man who wanted to inflict suffering on children with his fists, yet must I accept the opinions of a man who would do so with his laws? But if I reject the latter man, then I become an ideologue, and that’s something we’re all told we should never be. Ideologues ignore the evidence. Ideologues live in a fantasy world. Ideologues alienate those around them by putting principle above people. We are told instead to be pragmatic. We’re told to accept diverse viewpoints and to always respect

those who disagree with us. Compromise is an unquestioned virtue. A debate about higher taxes versus lower spending is treated as being equivalent to a debate about ice cream flavours. Under this pragmatism, nothing is true, and everything becomes a matter of preference. Pragmatism just becomes moral relativism, devoid of any moral truth. Pragmatism in this form is a reprehensible philosophy, for it forces the individual to tolerate the propogation of what they know to be evil. What pragmatism should simply be is open mindedness. An individual should always question their premises. They should be open to new evidence. They should do what the facts say is best. But once they decide something is true, they shouldn’t treat it as mere “opinion”. They should defend it as fact. They shouldn’t acquiesce to those who disagree, merely because they disagree, and they should not let respect for the thoughts of others dictate what they do. People should have the courage of their convictions. That is what creates an honest society that can actually have the big debates. ▲

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Richard D’Ath has been a regular contributor to Salient throughout 2012. Richard is a student, and also an unregistered chiropractor.

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OPINI●N issue

IT’S SAFER TO BE AT SUMMER SCHOOL Get a head-start on Semester One 2013 by taking up to 60 credits at Summer School. Classes start 19 November 2012. MASSEY.AC.NZ/SUMMERSCHOOL OR CALL 0800 MASSEY (627 739)

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ENROL NOW!

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Salient ♥ you

▼

LETTER ✶ OF THE ✶

WEEK

WINS TWO FREE COFFEES FROM VIC BOOKS!

BANTER FROM BELOW THE BELT Dear Salient, You have been chosen as the vessel for me to confer my lust: Dear soon-to-be-vice-president Sonya, I have seen you picture around the university and you have stolen my heart. I mean this in the most literal sense, as in your cold, dead stare has sapped my very life essence. Fortunately I have always fantasised about become a husk of a man, which has lead to a unhealthy succubus fetish. If you are interested you can find me round Cotton building, I am the guy with the bitchin belt buckle. Your Secret Admirer

VENTING FORM THE SILENT FIGURE IN THE FRONT ROW Dear Salient As the semester slowly draws to a close, I have to say that something is really getting on my goat! Students who talk in lectures while the lecturer is speaking. This just absolutlely pisses me off and I am really getting annoyed with the lack of consideration that students have for both the lecturer and the other students in the class. I am in a 300 level class and there are a group of about 5 women in a row chatting while the lecturer is lecturing and this happens also with guest speakers as well. Grow up girls and please shut up because I am not the only one who is getting rather pissed off and frustrated with you. You are really rude and inconsiderate and clearly immature. signed Talk Talk

MEMOIRS OF THE MELLOW As I graduate at the end of the year (fuck, what should I do?), and have not contributed to Vic Uni at all during my four year sporadic attendance of classes, I thought it would be apt to highlight a few of the things I will miss about life on Kelburn campus: 1. The overbridge - The hardest I concentrate at Uni is when eavesdropping on the often hilarious conversations taking place between Kirk and Murphy. ‘Overheard at Vic’ could have its own magazine if they bugged this area...And now would probably be the best opportunity to do this, due to the relative sparsity of the area caused by the most recent WOW expansion. 2. Hare Krishna - Thank you my bare-footed, unhygienic and unfashionable comrades for providing the most affordable food on campus. It’s actually not that bad. More authentic than that noodle place next door which smells so good but tastes like arse.

letterS 3. First years struggling to open doors - This isn’t Hogwarts kids. There are no moving staircases, hidden passages or behemoth groundskeepers (unlike campus care at Pipitea). Just press the damned button and, holy shit, the door opens for you! I’m even considering doing honours next year just to see the next batch of naive teenagers struggle to do the most basic of tasks. And a few things I will not miss: 1. Printing at Uni 2.VUWSA campaigns 3. The Quad (because it was a more of a bombsite when it was open than it is now). Rob M.

MORE FUCKING HATE-MAIL Hello Salient, Your magazine is nice. Everyone who contributes to your pages writes nice words about some nice things. That interview with Judith Collins was quite nice. I don’t like the film page though; it’s not very nice. The design is pretty nice as well. I like the triangles. You editors seem like nice people as well. I don’t really like other magazines; they aren’t nice. Have you noticed that I like the word nice? It’s so bland and barely says anything.You can’t really tell whether I’m complimenting you or calling you bland. I might be being really mean right now.You’ll never know. That’s nice. Yours, Someone who may or may not be nice

TURN YOUR CRITICAL EYE TO PAGE 40 Dear Salient, What a year it’s been ay? The back and forth. The banter. The witty repartee. We’ve certainly enjoyed having your magazine turn up every other week. It’s allowed us to gain a valuable insight into hipsterdom which simply isn’t available in the cold and grey far south. We have noticed one thing though which we have not been able to understand, and we were wondering if you could clarify it for us. What the fuck is up with all of the triangles? Do they represent something? Are they a symbol of the values of your magazine? Seriously, what the fuck is up with all of the triangles. Critic

BRAVE MAN IS BRAVE WITH HIS PSEUDONYM A couple of days ago I picked up a copy of Salient, a mistake outshone only by my decision to read “Matt White’s” latest article. It didn’t take long to establish that it followed the prevailing theme of White’s prior ventures in Salient, that being unfunny, uninteresting and concerning itself with something no one really cares about. White’s arrogance is well conveyed through the print medium, with his pretentious style and tone of writing all too apparent. White,

▲ who evidently considers himself the unofficial mascot of all things Cuba and is a guy who would undoubtedly delight at being described as anything remotely resembling ‘indie’, describes his nonchalant interview with an obscure Wellington College ‘up and coming’ rapper, whose raps about homework and detention and gigs at Bodega are changing the world. He describes their meeting at Fidel’s (obviously chosen for it’s status as a popular hipster haunt and not for it’s coffee because Matt has already explicitly outlined his poverty in not being able to afford a pen and/or pad)... As for White’s claim that he was “yet to return home” on Sunday morning after, let’s again assume he’s padding out his story because he obviously spent the evening sweating over making this week’s deadline while bumpuffing the mandatory pack of Lucky Silvers in his shithole of an Aro Valley flat (although in truth, he probably lives with his parents). Matt, may you continue to represent all the Brooklyn hearts that beat beneath those short-sleeved floral shirts with the arrogant, condescending and thoroughly pretentious style that has characterised your writing thus far. Honestly, Salient has got enough suede-shoed wannabes adorning it’s dull pages, it doesn’t’ need you. Please go sip Charlie’s and eat kumara fries somewhere the fuck else. Yours faithfully, Your Number 1 Fan.

HE WAS RIGHT! Dear Sagelient, By the time this letter is published the student body will have elected a new VUWSA President. Regardless of who the victor is, it will be a terrible mistake. You were warned. Yours in trust, Bony Tony

EUGOOGOLISER WRITES OWN EUGOOGOLY My Beloved Salient I write to you, alas and alack, in a most poorly condition. Two successive appointments with medical professionals has confirmed that my illness is 'not severe'; as such, I have come to the conclusion that the end is nigh. To that end, I have composed a eulogy I would like you to read at my funeral. '--- was a talentless hack whose notable attributes included delusions of grandeur, an elevated sense of self-importance and an unfortunate proclivity for reciting poetry at bewilderingly irrelevant times. His parents describe him as 'thoroughly unpleasant, though occasionally funny' and his friends were unable to be reached for comment.' Yrs in anticipation A. Pauling.

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PROVIDES A FREE NOTICE SERVICE for all Victoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs & not-for-profit organisations.

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NOTICES

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Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient.org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

MENTA L HEA L TH A WA RE NESS WE E K Mental Health Awareness Week is endorsed by the World Federation for Mental Health and is marked in over 150 countries. Each year there is a theme and The New Zealand 2012 theme is “Take Notice”. With the Trimester heating up with assignments due and pending exams it is a good time to TAKE TIME, TAKE A BREATH AND TO TAKE NOTICE of what is going on for you, others and the world around you. VUW CAMPUS CALENDER for MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK EVENTS

DATE

11.30am Nutrition Seminar - Carole Gibb (dietician), Law School 1.40pm Sleep Seminar - Karyn O’Keefe frome Sleep/Wake Centre, Law School

8-Oct

12.45pm & 1.30pm Personal resiliency workshops - Kelly Atherton, Law School 12noon-2pm MHAW Student Pamper with LIVE music and FREE coffee and food, Cotton Street 12noon-2pm Breathing & posture checks, Pop Up Space, Cotton Street 3pm Movie and BBQ, Hunter Lounge

9-Oct

12pm-1.30pm VUW Capoiera Club: A Brazilian Martial Arts Group, Top Lawn by SUB and Milk and Honey Café 11am-2pm FREE massages, Law School Common Room 7pm EXPRESSION! Dance with Me @ Vic dance show, Memorial Theatre

10-Oct

12pm Wellington SPCA: puppies and talk on animal welfare legislation, Law School 5pm-7pm Be There, Stay Involved Mental Health Short Film Night, AMLT105 6pm-8pm Sports night: 5-a-side football, dodgeball/volleyball, Zumba, Kelburn Rec Centre

11-Oct

Bake off with sale afterwards (money to Youthline), Law School

12-Oct

The French Club is hosting a French Lunch to cap off the year on a high and delicious note. This will include mini croissants, pain au chocolats and mixed danishes, cheeses, baguette and an assortment of beverages. When: Thursday 11 October, 12pm to 2.00pm Where: SU218, Student Union (there will be ribbons on the door) Price: $4 for French Club members, $6 non-members (which includes optional membership). Thanks, Robert Parker and Catherine Duynhoven.

VE GAN 101 Vegan 101 with Veg*ns @ Vic Thursday 11 October, 5.30pm, Meeting Room 2, Student Union Building, Kelburn Campus, Victoria University of Wellington For all aspiring or accomplished vegetarian & vegans, come along to our practical and friendly workshop on living vegan. Find out about vegan nutrition, shopping, socializing, junk food and more, with plenty of opportunity to ask questions. Vegan treats provided :)

R EFU GEE STUDENTS DROP-IN CENTRE FOR REFUGEE BACKGROUND STUDENTS. Every week day 4-6pm, there is a drop-in centre on the 10th Floor of Murphy Building in room 1010, to help you with your studies. The centre is run by senior students, and you can drop by at any time for help with essays, studying for a test, dealing with a tutor, practicing an oral presentation etc. You can also just drop by to de-stress, get something to eat and have a chat. Migrant and international students welcome as well! For more info email taylor.hughson@gmail.com.

BUD D Y PR O GR AMME International Buddy Programme applications for Trimester 1, 2013 are now open! Volunteer to help a new international student settle into Vic and Wellington life, while also engaging with other local and international students on campus! Build international friendships! Attend IBP Events! Earn VicPlus/VILP Points! For more information about IBP and to register, please visit our website: http://www.victoria.ac.nz/ international/buddy

2012/13 INTERNSHIPS AND GRADUATE JOBS! CareerHub CAREERHUB.VICTORIA.AC.NZ Get your CV ready—attend workshops, CV checks… Applications closing SOON:

Various FREE classes at the Rec Centre ALL FREE entrance to Adam Art Gallery to students and staff Tuesday, Thursday and weekend days WEEK Deals on sandwich and drink combos at Louis’ cafe

F R ENCH CL UB

R E CR UITME N T

ORGANISATIONS

CLOSING DATE

Donaghys Industries Ltd, CPE Systems NZ

10-Oct

Department of Conservation, Mesynthes, Apollo Apples Ltd, Assurity Consulting, Fisher & Paykel, Zorb, ASPEQ, MEA Mobile

12-Oct

Minter Ellison Rudd Watts

15-Oct

Quest Integrity NZL Ltd, Quest 17-Oct Integrity NZL, Titanium Industry Development Association Ecoglo International, Revolution Fibres, FUSION Transactive

19-Oct

Asia New Zealand Foundation

22-Oct

Avocado Oil NZ

25-Oct

MetService

26-Oct

Career Events - book on CareerHub: Full details on CareerHub http://careerhub.victoria. ac.nz

FO R SALE second hand hair dryer and hair straightener combo Remington hair dryer model D-2927 Remington hair straightener model S-201 $50 for both txt 027 350 6677 for any questions\

VBC GUIDE Salient ♥ you

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

7AM - 10AM

FLIGHT COFFEE

VBC BREAKFAST

WITH SALLY, LEWIE & MIKE Hot music. Great guests. Sweet hook-ups. Live VBC News & Traffic every 30 minutes with Megan. 10AM - 12PM

SANDWICHES

PICK 'N' MIX

WITH TASH, GUSHIE & GUESTS Tunes, interviews, give-aways and music news.

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

7AM -10AM

8AM -10AM

DJ MP3 PLAYER

THE CHILDREN'S CORNER WITH LAUREN, FLO & GUESTS

10AM -12PM

10AM - 12PM

BRUNCH

WAKE N' BAKE PEARCE & DUNCAN

WITH

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 1PM

12PM - 2PM

MIDDAY

THE BEEF! WITH MATT & ALEX

NO GRIM BUSINESS WITH PAUL

INFIDEL CASTRO

SONG FROM YOUR LUNCH BOX! WITH

THE MIDDAY BUSINESS POWER LUNCH WITH EMMA

GROOVY TIMES WITH

KORERO MAI W FLAUN

WITH PHILIP

MCSWEENY

JORDAN & HAYLEY

2PM - 4PM

1PM - 3PM

LIAM & GABBY'S

2PM - 4PM

CASEY

WED AFTERNOON

DOM'S

'RADIO SHACK'

WITH NINA

RAD SHOW

MAORI THEMES & TUNES

2PM - 4PM

ALEX, MICHAEL & NICK

DAVE & ED

2PM - 4PM

LORENZO & PALS!

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 6PM

MONDAY DRIVE

MONDO'S

LOUI'S

THURSDAY DRIVE WITH

BELLA'S SUPER CUTE HANGOUT!

ELECTRIC BLISS WITH JOE

ARTS SHOW

7PM - 8PM

7PM - 9PM

6PM - 9PM

THE KING

REGGAE, SKA & PUNK WITH OLLIE & TIM

MAKING WAVES

9PM - 11PM

NITEY NITE

RAILROAD BLUES WITH RAY

WITH

ALEC

7PM - 9PM

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WITH NICK & GEORGE

TUESDAY DRIVE SHOW

WEDNESDAY DRIVE SHOW

7PM - 9PM

SLIM PICKING'S SLIM & BUNNY

WITH

AIDAN

CNTRL/ ALT / DELETE WITH

TRAIN SPOTTING THE LEADER & HOLLY & STUMBLE

WITH

ROHAN & KEGAN

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 10PM

THE VINYL COUNTDOWN

BEATS, BASS & BULLSHIT

THAT'S SO METAL

COMPULSORY ECSTASY

WITH

JOSH

MIKEY & PETER

WITH

JACK & BRYN

MON 8 MIGHTY MIGHTY

HAVANA BAR SAN FRANCISCO BATHHOUSE

HAYDEN & MITCHELL

WITH

KIM & NIC

WITH

AMY JEAN

GIG GUIDE

TUE 9

WITH

GUESTS

WITH

VIRGINIA

KARIIIBA

WED 10

THU 11

FRI 12

SAT 13

BEWM BABIEZ, KOTENSHU

THE BLUE ONESIES, NOSTALGIAPHOPES, BIG RICK

COOLIES, OCTOPUS, CUTSS

KITTENTANK ALBUM RELEASE WITH CAVES AND DOUBLE YA D

DOOMSDAY FESTIVAL

OPSHOP - HITS & GIGGLES WITH BRENDHAN LOVEGROVE

BODEGA GOOD LUCK MEOW CAFE

IN DEEP

WITH

THE OVER ROCKTOBER 2012 STAYER - WILD BILL RICKETTS W/ MARA TK & THE PROMISED BAND STRETCH TO MOULD GREEN FOR FDD PRESENTS JUST (ALBUM RELEASE) THE PINK FRIENDS

THE MEDICINE 8PM

SANDWICHES

MEDUSA

HYDRA’S TALENT QUEST

SOUTHERN CROSS

KROON FOR YOUR KAI 46

BANDEOKE

NIKO NE ZNA

DAVID GREENBERG AND RENNIE PEARSON STATE OF MIND (3 HOUR SET) SANDWICHES ALTMUSIC PRESENTS HEATHER LEIGH (SCOTLAND) W/ OMIT THE WELLINGTON SEA SHANTY SOCIETY

puzzles

▼

▲

Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.65)

2 2

5 7

2 9

1 6

8 9

A MATTER OF TASTE ACROSS

BELIEVE

ERUDITE

ORIGINALITY

ASSURED

INSIPID

MAVERICK

ASCERTAIN

VACUOUS

ABSTRUSE

AMBIVALENCE

VAPID

ABSTRACT

HETERODOXY

TRITE

CIGARETTES

PARADIGMATIC

DISCOURSE

CIRCUMLOCUTORY

AVER

SALIENT’S QUIZ FOR THE QUERULOUS

1. Intimidate (5) 4. Having to make a difficult decision (2,1,6) 9. Slightly hostile, as language (7) 10. Binge (7) 11. 2002 Spanglish pop hit with a dance based on 'The Hand Jive' (3,7,4) 14. American celebration of one of its neighbours (5,2,4) 18. Sailor, colloquially (3) 20. Palindromic ABBA hit (3) 22. Sexy Latin moves (5,6) 25. Martin Mull played him in 'Clue' (7,7) 30. 12-Down opened them (7) 31. Dehydrated Utah area used for breaking records (4,3) 32. One of these is found in seven other Across answers (9) 33. In need of a wash (5)

Which Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale figure sits by the waterside in Copenhagen?

DOWN

1. They're dunked into oil (9) 2. A reasonably large, but unknown, number (7) 3. Yonder (5) 4. Wall climber (3) 5. 'Seeya' in Strasbourg (5) 6. River that flows through Pakistan (5) 7. Source of caffeine in some sodas (4,3) 8. Tied (4) 12. She is promised cake in a video game (5) 13. Jimmy (3) 15. Takes too much, for short (3) 16. It stops burglars and kid nappers (5) 17. Egg (3) 19. Place of occupation (9) 21. It hangs in front of a kilt (7) 23. Rand responsible for 'Atlas Shrugged' (3) 24. Board used on film sets to mark scenes (7) 26. Resident of Muscat (5) 27. Follow after (5) 28. You might put a 32-Across on one of these (5) 29. Iliad or Edda, for instance (4) 31. Group of connected items (3)

Which country was at war with Iran from 1980 to 1988?

What gate does the three-headed dog Cerberus guard?

Which Scientologist was trapped in the closet in the “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park?

What was the first railroad to cross the US?

What are the two basic types of Scotch Whisky?

When were scissors first invented?

Between what two Ages did the Bronze Age occur?

Which country contains Lake Assal, the lowest point on 10. mainland Africa?

What is the alternate title of the masterpiece painting La Giaconda?

RUSS KALE

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Thu Oct 4 04:30:57 2012 GMT. Enjoy!

1. The Little Mermaid, 2. Single Malt and Single Grain, 3. Around 1500 BC, 4. Stone and Iron Ages, 5. Djibouti, 6. Iraq, 7. The Gates of Hades, 8. Tom Cruise, 9. The Union Pacific, 10. The Mona Lisa

UOC0009 PostGrad 270x200 Salient.indd 1

3/10/12 11:37 AM