In Our Own Words by safmh

IN OUR OWN WORDS ZINE

Please note that all contributors have given written consent to have their stories included This zine is an exercise in self-advocacy. In Our Own Words is a compilation of stories, artwork and poems. The contributors all have lived experience of mental illness and they are here to share their stories in their own words. A Zine on a mission Psychosocial Disability Awareness Campaign 2022

by Amy Staak

artwork

DearDepression Youscaremesometimes.Thethoughtsyouputinmymind.Trappingme. Numbingme. Theshadowedcloudthatfollowsme.It’ssunnyeverywhereelsebuthere. IwishagainandagainthatIcouldbehappy.ThatIcouldwakeupandjustfeel somuchbetter.SurelyIwashappyoncebefore? Deardepression,youbroughteverythingtoahalt.Ihadtositdown.Liedown. Ihadtolearnhowtobreatheagain.Tobe,again.Tobepatient.Sopatient. Withmyself,myprocess,myhealingandwiththosewholoveme. Wearehealing.Weareonajourney,howeverlongittakes. Deardepression,youhaveshownmeaworldIneverunderstoodbefore.And nowIcandeeplyempathise.Tositwithanother,listenandjustbethere. AndnowwhenIstandupagainandtrytotakeontheworld,Iwilldoitinaway Ineverdidbefore.Butsometimesthatfeelsliketoomuchstill.Andaday wherejustashowerandamealisenough.Andthat’sokay. Tobegentle,tospeakkindnesstomyself,iswhatyouhavetaughtme. ThatIamenoughjustasIam.Sometimeswithnothingelsetooffer.Andthat’s okay. ExpectationsIputonmyselfIhavetoleavebythewaysideandlivemytruest self. Whateverthatmaylookliketoday. DEAR DEPRESSION by Amy Staak

TODAY'S VICTORY by Relebone Rirhandzu eAfrika

“Youwillnotdie”.Inmymind’seye,singerNakhane’svoicesoarstowardstheskyin parts,andsimmerstosignalthedescentinothers,andIfeelasthoughweareboth fearlessbirdscarriedbythewind.Iincreasethevolumeinordertoheightenthe experience.Flying,weareflying!Theirvoiceisclear,ethereal;andthoughthe detailsoftheirmelancholyandminearedifferent,theemotionintheirtenor tethersusinanundeniablekinship. “AndinthemorningwhenIwoke,IknewIwouldnotdie,”theysing.Thewordskeep savingmylife. MyfriendssaythatIwatchshowsthataretoodark,listentomusicthatpullsone intoapit,butwhattheydon’tunderstandisthatthosewhohavewalkedwith despairknowhowtotranslatemelancholyintomight.AndIdoemergemighty, afterwitnessingthedespairotherspouredintotheirart,becausetheirstorieslet meknowthatIamnotalone,andmostofall,myafflictionscanbesurvived.They welcomemetositinthepainoftheirgrief,sothatIcanrecognisemyownwithin theirvoices.Thoseofuswholivewiththisillnesshavediedmanytimesbefore.We arewell-versedinreinventionanddeath.Thereisanarttosurvival. Afterlisteningtothissong,Ipreparetosleep,brokenthatallImanagedtodothis dayistostayalive.Itistoday’svictory,butinsteadofcheersandflagsofjoy,there isthewideningsilenceandafeelingofdesolation.SometimesIfeelproudtohave stayedalive,andsometimesIfeelasthoughIamescapingintoayawn.Butthis victory,ifIamfortunateenoughtoexperienceitdaily,ismiraculousinawayonly thedepressedandthosewhohavelostlovedonestodepressionunderstand. Sometimesstayingaliveistheonlyproductivitywecanmanage.Oftenmydaily questionisnot,“WhatwillIaccomplishtoday?”,butthemoremournful,somber, descendingquestion:“IstodaythedaythatIdie?”

extract from Broken Porcelain: A mental illness journey Published by Blackbird Books, March 2022

TODAY'S VICTORY by Relebone Rirhandzu eAfrika

Theemptinessisfull,afterall,withdevastation,anddisdainforLife,andmylife, mostofall.Itismygrandmother’s80thbirthday.Sheisthefirstofthematriarchs inourfamilytoreachthisage,somyauntgivesmethetaskofprintingoutT-shirts forhermother’s(mygreataunt’s)birthdayparty.Iamtheeldestcousininour generation(afactthatstillterrifiesandastoundsme inmymindIamstillababy), soshealsotasksmewithorganisingthecousinsintoanusheringteamthatwill assistontheday.Inthedaysleadinguptotheparty,Ifeelsuchaninexplicable anxietyarounditthatIleavethepreparationstothelastminute,andbythenitisof coursetoolate.

extract from Broken Porcelain: A mental illness journey Published by Blackbird Books, March 2022

Thereisoftendisappointment,notdelight,inrespondingwithNakhane’serudite words,“YOUWILLNOTDIE.”IwishIcould. Ilongforthepeaceofdeath.TobecaughtbymyMaker’shandsintoaneternity thathasnodisorderandnopain. IaminpainbecauseIamalive.ButIamalivebecauseIcanyetfeelpain.Iaman openwoundfesteringforalltheworldtoseeandjudgemyshame. ButIamalive.Iamalive.Iamalive.

Itrytoholdontothesewordsasaprayer,andathanksgiving,ahallelujahifyou will,amantra,andatormentedpleaseekingananswer.DearGod,comeoutof hidingfromtheechoesandmeetmeatthebottomofthismountainthatcannotbe moved!

Everyoneisdisappointedinme,butnotmorethanIamdisappointedinme.They mostlysaynothing,butthetensionintheaircommunicatesclearly.Ifeelasthough Iamafailure.Ifeelmyselfdwindling.Ihavefoughttomeeteachmorning’ssunrise, yetnoonebutmeknowsthepriceitcostmetodoso.AlltheyseeiswhatIhavenot done.Iwantdesperatelyformyfamilytounderstandmyshame,andmystruggle. Onceagain,Ihavefailedtobeofusetoanyone.Iaddittomylistofun accomplishmentsandgrieve.

TODAY'S VICTORY by Relebone Rirhandzu eAfrika Depressionisbrutalbecauseitistheonlydiseasethatmakesyoufeellikethereis somethingwrongwithyou.Whenyouhavetheflu,youunderstandthatyouneed medicineandrestandlotsofsoup.Youdonotimmediatelythinkthattheremedyis thatyouneedtobecomesomeoneelseinordertodeserveorsurvivelife.You understandthatyouaresick.Thatisafaultofyourbody,notyou.Butdepression makesyoubelievethatyou’rewhat’swrongwiththeequation,andtheonlywayto bebetteristoreplacewhat’swrong,whichisyou.You’rewhat’swrongwithyou.It wasalwaysyou! Deathisamoreattractivearrangement itsolvestheproblemofthesickness. Youarethesickness,youmustbeeliminated.Everypartofyouhurtssobadlythat youfeelthatthereisnowaytofixitbuttogetridofit.Youcannotplasteronepart ofthehurting you’vegottathrowthewholelifeaway! Depressionmakesyoubelievethatdeathishowyouheal. DrMayaAngelouwritesinAllGod’sChildrenNeedTravelingShoesthatwhenher sonGuywasinvolvedinaseriousaccidentinGhana,shewasattheendofherself withworry.Borntoheratsixteen,sheandhersonhadgrownuptogether,soto speak,andbecomehomeforoneanother.Inthedaysfollowinghisaccident,sheis ashellwalkingthehospitalhalls,andsheisstrugglingtosettleinGhana shefeels alone.“Tragedy,”shewrites,“nomatterhowsad,becomesboringtothosenot caughtinitsaddictivecaress.”Iknowtoowellthefeelingofswirlinginmelancholy andfeelinglikeIamaloneinthere,toofargonetofindawayout.Allmyfriendsand familyhavethebestintentions,butwhentheirvisitinghoursareover,theyexitmy melancholytoreturntotheirlives,andIamleftaloneonceagain.Ittakesafriend’s interventiontogetDrAngelouoverthebridge:“Girl,you’regoingtobealright.You haven’tforgottentheessentials.Youknowaboutdefendingyourself.Allyouhave todonowisremember…sometimesyouhavetodefendyourselffromyourself.” extract from Broken Porcelain: A mental illness journey Published by Blackbird Books, March 2022

TODAY'S VICTORY by Relebone Rirhandzu eAfrika

Eh!AmImybiggestenemy?DidIcausethisdisease,orwasitthatIdidnotputup enoughofafight?WhydidInotseeitcoming? Itfeelslikeitismyfault,butitisnot;itisafactorysettinggonewrong,acoding mis-programmed,afaultinthesystem.Error#404. LaterMamaMayamuses,“Wasitpossiblethatduringthetwo-monthdepression,I haddamagedmydetermination?TheonlypowerIhadeverclaimedwasthatIhad overmyself.Obviously,Ihadcomeperilouslyclosetogivingitawaytoself-pity.” What’sleftisme,andthescarsinmysoul,andthefatiguefromfightingtosurvive. Iamoutoftheoldfog,butIfeelitrollinginagain,wantingtocovermecompletely initsmist,tokeepmebackthere.Iwillnotgobackthere.Icannot.Somehow,Imust findawaytostayalive. Istayalivebyrememberingthatthesmallthingsarethebigthings. Itallyupthelittlejoys,makenoteofthembecausetheyarepartofrelishinglife.I deservemorethansurvival,don’tI? Butinordertodiscoverallofit,LifedemandsthatIbepresenttoitall theturmoil, theinnertorture,thefight,thebreakthrough,thejoy.Andfailure.Itisnormal,and necessary. Thebiggestlittlethingisrest.IdeserveitsimplybecauseIexist,notbecauseIhave ‘proven’myworththroughproductivity.Capitalismhasusbelievingthatwe’reonly asgoodasourskillsset,butwearemorethanthat.Istrugglewithmybirthdays formanyreasons,andthisisoneofthem whathaveIdonethatwarrantsa celebration?WhatdoIhavetoshowforallmyyearsonearth?ThisideathatI deservecelebrationsimplybecauseIam it’ssoradical,andsoforeigntomy depressedmind,thatIspititoutbeforeitreachesmytongue.Itisatruth,butIstill struggletoutterit. extract from

Broken Porcelain: A mental illness journey Published by Blackbird Books, March 2022

ThisideathatIamvaluablejustbecauseIam,isradicalandrevolutionaryand completelymessingwithmymind.Thelittlethingsarethebigthings. InthepastIhavebeenaggravatedbypeoplewhotoldmethatifIhavenothingelse, atleastIhavemylife.Whatissospecialaboutalifethatifallithangsonisitself,it shouldgoon?Isitreallybettertocontinueinpainthantodieinpeace?Thislife,all life,whatmakesitworthliving? Thereisonlyalittlebitofresistanceremaininginme.Butwiththisresistance,I reachforsomekindofaliving;withthislife,Isearchforthekeythatsomany beforemehavefoundandmadetheirReason isitGod,isitme,isitpeople?I wanttoknow,soIjourneyintoanothersecond,minute,hour,day.Andthislife,willit bewonderful,someday?Willitbringmejoyandcontentment?Thislife,willitstill berelentlessinbringingmetomyknees,orwillIstandalittlelonger?Thislife,willit showmewhypeoplefussaboutit,cherishit,flyinit?Willitshowmehow?Inthis life,istherejustice?Orisonewoman’sjustice,another’spain?Isoneman’smercy, another’sfreedom?Onewoman’ssacrifice,another’ssecondchance?Islifefullof tensions,oristhereuncomplicatedbeautytoo? Mostimportantly:whatdoIowemyself?Ifthepervasivefeelingofthisillnessis thatmylovedoneswouldbebetteroffwithoutme,thentostayaliveImust convincemyselfthatIamthepersonworthfightingfor.There’ssomuchfutureleft inme. Today,itisenoughthatIamcuriousenoughtofindoutwhatthatlookslike.Iam alive,andwiththislife,Iwilltakeastep,andthenanotherstep.Andbreathe. from

TODAY'S VICTORY by Relebone Rirhandzu eAfrika

extract

Broken Porcelain: A mental illness journey Published by Blackbird Books, March 2022

BLOWN Thisdark,emotionalpiecewasconceptualisedtoshowhowstress, mentalillness,lackoffundsandthepressuresofsocialmedia completelycontrolthemindoftheartist.Thisseemsinmanywaysto speaktothehumanconditionasawhole.Allthisalsohasagriponus andstopsusfromlivingtoourfullpotential,hinderingusfromenjoying life.Furthermore,anobsessionwithsocialmediacausesdepression, self-loathing,anxiety,envyandoften,evensuicide. Theartistwantstousetheworktoilluminatethedangersofsocial media,notonlyforherself(asthisisaself portrait)butforanyone contemplatingtheartworktoseewhatanunhealthypreoccupation withsocialmediadoestothemind. by Jessica Hallier

BLOWN

Inthework,theliteralexplodingoftheartist’sheadismeantto underscorethepressuresandunrealisticexpectationsassociatedwith lifebothonandoffsocialmedia,asfeltbytheartist.Thisgivesriseto thetitle,Blown,whereweseehandsreachingtogripthepiecesofthe headthatarebeingblownaway.Thisrepresentstheartisttrying desperatelytostay‘normal’inaworldthatisfarfromit. Themoney andtabletsthatappearontheworkrepresenttheotherstressesinthe artist’slife,whicharelackoffinancesandthefactthatshemusttake chronicmedicationtostayalive(shehasepilepsy,bipolardisorderand ADHD). Thequestionarises:whatwouldshebewithoutthemedication,whenis shegoingtobefinanciallystable,andcansheputherownpiecesback together? by Jessica Hallier

Sometimesmyjourneyisunknown,IfeelasthoughI’mtrappedby myillness,mypurposeunclear, SometimesmyillnessdefineswhoIam,peopleseemyillnessand notme, SometimesIhatemyselfforallthewrongorrightdecisionsI madeinthepastformetohavethisillness, SometimesIcursethegodsfortakingawaymylifeandgivingme acursethatIcan’texplain, SometimeslifeislifeandwhateverIchooseIseemtolandinthe sameplace, SometimesIcrybecauseithurtsandcrybecauseIdonotknow whatIhavebecome, SometimesIjustdon’tknowanymore,isitmeorisitmyillness, Sometimes??? SOMETIMES by Sifiso Mkhabise

MY IS AND I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA

NAME

Schizophreniaisapartofmylife,it’snotwhoIam. MystorystartedwhenIwas15yearsold,Iamcurrently24.My wholelife,Ihavebeenobsessedwithsport,especiallycricket.I alwaysjokeandsayIplayedcricketbeforeIcouldproperlywalk. LittledidIknowthatmyloveforthegamewouldchangemylife completely. NormallywithSchizophrenia,thereisatriggerwhichonsetsthe illness.Formeitwasbeinginvolvedinacricketaccidentwherethe ballhitthesideofmyhead.Thisyearmarks10yearssincemylife changedcompletely.Itwasanormaltrainingdayintheweek.We weredoingfieldingpracticesonaturallyIdidnotwearahelmet.I wasgoingaboutmytrainingwhentheballhitme.Inthatexact moment,anewlifewasborn.ThisisprobablyabitstrangeasIwas already15yearsold,howevermylifeasIknewitfor15yearswas completelygone.Funnyenough,Istillcontinuedwithtraining,and myinitialthoughtwasthatitwasnotanythingserious. However,afterawhileIcoulddefinitelyfeelthatthingswere becomingdifferent.

CHRISTINA STEENKAMP,

MY NAME IS CHRISTINA STEENKAMP, AND I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA

ThingsbecamequiteconfusingformewhenIgothome.Myparents thendecidedtotakemetotheemergencyunitasmybehaviourwas noticeablydifferent.Idon’tremembermuchfromthistime. Naturallythedoctorsbeganwithallthedifferentscansandtests. Afterawhile,whenallthephysicaltestscamebacknormal,they startedtolookatwhatpsychologicaleffectstheaccidenthadon mybody. Mysymptomsvariedfromsevereanxietytohallucinations.For almosttwoweeksaftertheaccident,Icouldnotspeak.Thewords wereforminginmybrain,butIcouldnotphysicallygetthewords outofmymouth.Thiswasaveryfrustratingtimeinmylife. Inthefirstcoupleofyearsafterbeingdiagnosed,Ihadtheworst timeofmylife.ThereweresomedayswhereIthoughtIwouldnever seetomorrow.Thethingwithmentalillnessisthatfindingthe correctcombinationofmedicationisanextremelytediousprocess. Needlesstosay,forthefirstcoupleofyearsitwasacontinuous struggleoftrialanderror.

MY NAME IS CHRISTINA STEENKAMP, AND I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA

IknewIwouldbeabletocopewiththestressorsthatcomeswith studyingafterschool.Ialwayshadaloveforpeople,andseeingmy psychologistandtheamazingworkshedidwithme,Idecidedto applyforPsychology.IappliedatTheSouthAfricanCollegeof AppliedPsychologyandgotaccepted.Itwasnoeasytask,butI completedthedegreeandforthefirsttimesincetheaccident,my lifewasfullyontrack.

Naturally,continuinginamainstreamschoolwasnotreallyan option.Ialsohadtorepeatgrade10whichIwassoembarrassed about.Lookingbacknow,itdidnotmakeanydifferenceastowhere Iaminmyliferightnow.Istartedhome-schoolwithanamazing tutor.Itwasatthistimewherethingsreallystartedtogetbetter. ThisiswhenIalsostartedseeingmycurrentpsychologistand psychiatrist.Ihonestlydon’tknowwhereIwouldbeifIdidnotstart seeingthem.Itwaswithinthespaceofamonthfromseeingthem whereallmysymptomssubsided.Iwasfinallyinahappyand healthyspace.ThenstartedthethoughtprocessofwhatIwanted todoafterschool.

AftermystudiesIdidalotofvolunteeringwhereIgottomeetsome amazingpeople.IquicklystartedtorealisethatIwantedtoshare mystorywithotherswhohavegonethroughsimilarstruggles. Whenyouareatyourlowest,thereistrulynootherwaythan movingupandforward.Itmaytakemany,manyyears,butthings alwaysgetbetter. Noneofmysuccessstorywouldbepossiblewithouttheamazing supportofmyfriendsandfamily.TheytrulycarriedmewhenIhit rockbottomandIwillfortherestofmylifebeextremelygrateful toeachpersonwhoplayedapositiveroleinmywellbeing. Iwouldliketofinishwithmyfavouritequote:“Youhave notlivedtodayuntilyouhavenotdonesomething forsomeoneelsewhocanneverrepayyou.”

MY NAME IS CHRISTINA STEENKAMP, AND I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA

Psychological,emotionalandsocialsituationsimpacteveryareaof yourlife. Havingpositivementalhealthallowsyoutoeffectivelydealwiththe dailystressorsoflife,communicatewellwithothers,makehealthy decisions,andlivelifetothefullest. Butsometimes,struggleswithmentalillnessandaddictionmakesit seemlikeachievingahealthymentalstateisimpossible. SometimesyouclimboutofbedinthemorningandyouthinkI'mnot goingtomakeit. Emotionalpainisnotsomethingthatshouldbehiddenaway! Recoveryisnotoneanddone-itisalifelongjourneythattakes placeoneday,onestepatatime. My‘darkness’daysmademestrong,ormaybeIalreadywasstrong andIdidn'tknowit.

Trustme,Iunderstandwhatit’slikelivingwithpain Mentalhealthissuesdon'tdefinewhoyouare,theyaresomething youexperience! Ifyouarebroken,youdonothavetostaybroken.

A JOURNEY by James Gould

A JOURNEY MycomplexPTSD,isrootedin ThesexualabuseIreceivedasachild,andIhavebeenrunningaway fromit... Ihavesufferedfromanxiety,trauma,anddepressionasa consequence. ExperiencingchildhoodabusewasnotsomethingIwasprepared for. Physically,Ileftmyoldhome.Mentally,Iamstillthere. Theprisonisnolongerthathouse-itismymind. Mythoughts.Mymemories. AttimesIfeltnothingwasgoingtoendthedistress,experiencing morethaneightorsoflashbacksaday.Itwasalongprocessof recovery,withlotsofbumpsalongtheroad; buttherightmedicationandlong termtherapywithsomeoneI cametotrust,haschangedmylife. Takeyourtimehealing,takeaslonghasyouneed. Nobodyelseknowswhatyou'vebeenthrough,howcouldtheyknow howlongitwilltakeyoutoheal. by James Gould

The short film MIRAGE is an experimental visual poem centered on depression and the stigmasthatsurroundit.

I created MIRAGE to be a place of solace for those who have depression and a placeofrevelationtothosewhomisunderstandthementalillness.

Justine

MIRAGE by Justine Patterson

Writer, director, producer and editor, Justine Patterson, suffered from severe depressionanditwasonlythroughreadingandwritingpoetrythatshefoundsolace.

After conquering depression and realising her dream of becoming a filmmaker, Justine says that she was determined to use her “God given passion and talents for cinema to be a voice who could speak up for others who are in too much pain to speak for themselves”. By combining multiple art mediums she wanted to create a visceral experience for viewers, to place them right in the centre of the chaos and emptiness that is inside someonesufferingwithdepression.

THE PSYCHIATRIC SCARLET LETTER by Cathy Achilles Canwemoveonalready? Sorry,whyareyoustillstucklikesuperglueonmypsychosis? Ithappened,likeanyothereventinlife. Butwhyareyoustucklikesuperglueonmypsychosis? DoyourealizethatIdon'thaveanycontrolovermymindwhenIaminapsychotic state? Likeyoucan'tcontrolrain,Ican'tcontrolmybrain,whenIaminapsychoticstate. Whatyoudon'tknowis,thateverypsychoticepisodeistraumaticforthe psychiatricpatient. Fortherecord,minehappenedwhenIwasexhaustedandsleep-deprived. Labellinguscrazyorweirdortreatinguslikeleprousdoesnotassistusto overcomeourtrauma. Ortreatthe"event"liketheelephantintheroom. Globallypeopleareupsetaboutthelockdown. Notme. Iamsocialdistancingfromscrutiny. Iamsocialdistancingfromdiscrimination. Iamsocialdistancingfromjudgement. MostofallIamsocialdistancingfromself-inflictedjudgement. IhadtoforgivemyselfforthingsIhavenocontrolover. IhadtoforgivemyselfforfeelingasifIhadfailedGod. Ihadtoembracemyself.Ihadtolearntolovemyselfagainandnotresentmyself. Iknowthejourneyisnoteasy. ButIthankGodthatHeiswithmeandthatHehasplacedpeopleinmylifetolove andsupportmeonmymentalhealthjourney.

SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

INTSHIDISENGNKIKANEWOULDLIKETOTELLYOUABOUTMY DEPRESSIONANDANXIETY.IAM22YEARSOLDIAMFROM FREESTATE. INAYEAR2018THATISWHENIHADDEPRESSIONAND ANXIETY.DEPRESSIONITISWHENYOUAREHOPELESSAND ALWAYSSAD.ANXIETYITISWHENYOUARENERVOUS WORRYINGTOOMUCH.THATYEARIHADDEPRESSION,I WASDOINGGRADE12. IWASSADFORNOREASON.BUTIDIDNOTWANTPEOPLETO SEETHATIAMSADALWAYSLAUGHINGAROUNDTHEM.I STARTEDLOSINGCONCENTRATION,ICOULDNOTEVEN STUDY.BECAUSEIALWAYSTIRED,IWOULDSTUDYJUSTA HALFPAGETHENCLOSETHEBOOK.IWASNOTATTENDING OTHERCLASSESINSTEADGOTOANOTHERCLASSROOM THATISEMPTY,THENCRYFORNOREASONATSCHOOL.I WASGETTINGFRUSTRATED,FREAKINGOUT.IDROPPED ACADEMICALLY,TEACHERSANDLEARNERSWEREASKING WHATISGOINGONWITHMEANDIHADNOANSWERS. By Nkikane Ntshidiseng

IN 2020IDEREGISTERDFROMUNIVERSITYOF TECHNOLOGY,THENREGISTEREDATTHEUNIVERSITYOF THEFREESTATE.ITHOUGHTIWASHEALEDBUTIHAD ANXIETYANDDEPRESSION,IWASNOTCOPING. by Nkikane Ntshidiseng

SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

PEOPLEWERENOTSEINGWHATIWASGOINGTHROUGH.I WOULDTELLOTHERSTUDENTSTHATIAMSICKANDTRYTO EXPLAINMYCONDITION.THEYSAIDTHEYWILLSUPPORTME. THEREWASAGUY,HEWASSOMEONEICHILLWITHAT CAMPUS.HEWASEXCELLINGACADEMICALLY,IMETHIMAT TERTIARY.IUSEDTOCHILLWITHHIMBECAUSEWHENEVERI WASNOTFEELINGOKAY,HEWASTHERETOCHEERMEUP. IWASHIDINGTHATIHAVEDEPRESSIONALWAYSLAUGHING. IWASAFRAIDTHATHEWILLLEAVEME.BECAUSEHEWAS THEONLYONEWHOWASCHEERNGMEUPATCAMPUS. DURINGTHATTIMEIWASNOTCOPING,IWASFAILINGMY MODULES.INAPRIL5TH2019ITRIEDTOCOMMITSUICIDE ATCAMPUS.IHADOVERDOSEDONPILLS,COLLAPSEDAND WOKEUPINHOSPITAL.IWASADMITEDFORTHREEDAYS.

IWASLONELYATCAMPUS.WHENIWOULDTRYTOBEFRIEND OTHERSTUDENTSIWASSTILLFEELINGLONELYBECAUSETHEY ALREADYHADFRIENDS.IWASALWAYSNERVOUSATCAMPUS. IUSEDTOGOTOTHERESTROOMANDCRY,EATORCHILL ALONETHENGOBACKHOME.BUTPEOPLETHOUGHTIWAS COPINGBECAUSEIUSEDTOSMILE-BUTDEEPDOWNIWAS HURTING. TRUTHISIWON’TSAYIAMHEALEDBUTICANHANDLEITNOW. YOUDONOTKNOWWHOTOTALKTOBECAUSENOWADAYS PEOPLETHINKDEPRESSIONANDANXIETYISAJOKE.THEY LAUGHWHENYOUTRYTOMAKEAWARENESSABOUTIT. OTHERSTHINKITDOESNOTEXIST. WHENPEOPLEMAKEFUNOFSUICIDALPEOPLEIBECOME EMOTIONALBECAUSEIAMAVICTIM.IWISHICOULDJUST LEAVETHEROOMBUTINSTEADIPRETENDTOBEOKAYWITHIT. MOSTPEOPLEJUDGESITUATIONSTHEYNEVERBEENINTO.I HADDEPRESSIONANDANXIETYFOR4YEARS(2018-2021). by Nkikane Ntshidiseng

SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS IDONOTKNOWWHETHERIAMHEALEDBECAUSEITCOMES BACKSOMETIMESEVENTHOUGHICANCONTROLMYSELF NOW.IWISHPEOPLECOULDUNDERSTANDTHATITISREAL ANDTHEREAREPEOPLEWHOAREGOINGTHROUGHIT.THEY NEEDHELPBUTTHEYAREAFRAID,PEOPLEMAYSAYTHEYARE JUSTBEINGDELUSIONAL. THISISMYSTORYSOFAR,IWISHICOULDGETTHEANSWERS. by Nkikane Ntshidiseng

Andtothoseofyouwhocan’trelatebutwouldliketoknowmoreaboutthis illnessIrefertothenreadbetweenthelines,allthecluesyoushallfind.Once youfindit,pleasedon’tspreadhateratherhelpraiseawarenessandeducate. Alwaysrememberthereispurposeinyourpain,therewillbesunshineafter therain. Youmightbeaskingwhenthesufferingwillend,holdonanddon’tgiveupI promiseitwillgetbetter. So,thankyoutoallthedoctors,nurses,family,friendsandcolleaguesthat helpedmeonmyjourney,becauseofyouIsurvivedtotellthestoryinthis letterandfinally…… ToGodbealltheGlory.

FROM YOUR GIRL

CASSEY Towhomitmayconcern, YouandIarenottobeblamedsononeedtofeelembarrassedorashamed Sometimesitshereditary,inourgenesandusuallymanifestsattheonsetof adulthoodorinourteens. Thisdoesnotmeanyoushouldgiveuponyourdreams itsjustanimbalance inourbrainchemistryandnotourdestiny. YouseeinthisworldthereisaplaceforyouandI,sokeepfightingthegood fightforthelightattheendofthetunnelisinsight. Holdonpainends,speakoutandseekhelpifyouneed,toamuchbetterand healthierlifethismaylead. DonotsufferinsilenceIpleadbecausethereishelpandthereareresources outthereindeed.

by Cassey Smart

IT'S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP RACHEL KWAINONA

Thesocietydidnotreceivemewell.Theywerecallingmeallsortsofbad namesandotherswereswearingatme.Thatwasthemosthurtfulexperience ever.ItriedtofitinthesocietyeventhoughIknewIwasnotmentallystable, butthatwashardbecausenoonewantedtoassociatethemselveswitha “psychopath”,thosewerewordstheywereusingwhendescribingme. HOWDIDTHEYTREATMEATHOME

MY EXPERIENCE AS A PSYCHIATRIC PATIENT by Anonymous

IgrewupinMdantsane,Iam32yearsofage.Mypassionistogroomyoung peopleintoentertainmenttheatre,IamaChristian.In2015Iwasattackedby thisdreadfulillnessschizophrenia,meaningIwasaffectedmentally.My behaviourchangedfrombettertoworsebecauseIwasdoingalltheunusual thingsthatIdidnotdobefore.Istarteddrinkingandsmokingforthewhole yearof2018.ThereasonformybehaviourwasbecauseIcouldn’tcopewith thesicknessandIcouldnottakeitanymore.AtsomepointItriedtobestrong andactnormalaroundeveryonebutthatwasnotenough.

HOWDIDTHESOCIETYRECEIVEME

AthomeitwasneverthesameeversinceIwasdiagnosedwiththisillness. Someofmycousinsbecamesodistantandmakingmealaughingstock,butI hadnochoicebuttocarryonandactasiflifewasstillnormaleventhoughit washurtinginside.Ireceivedalotofsupportfrommygrandmotherand cousinThando,theywerealwaysthereforme.Theymadesurethatwhenever Ibreakdown,theyweretheretocomfortme.Allmyfriendsleftme immediatelyaftertheyheardthatIhadtheillness.Iwasonlyleftwithtwo friendswhosupportedmeandunderstoodmethroughthickandthin.

HOWDIDTHEYRECEIVEMEINTHEWORKPLACE

Tothefamilieswholivewithpeoplewithmentalillness,musttryand understandthem,givethemalltheloveandsupporttheyneed;afterallthere islifeafterthissickness.

HOWIEXPERIENCEMYMENTALILLNESSINSOCIETY

Thereislittleifatall,understandingofmyillness psychosis/schizophreniain society.PeopletendtoreadonGooglewhatthesymptomsoftheillnessare andtheyattempttodiagnosemewheneveranopportunityarises.Sometimes thesediagnosesaretothedetrimentofmyawarenessinsociety;moreover theypreventmefromenjoyingthefullnessofmylife.

MY EXPERIENCE AS A PSYCHIATRIC PATIENT by Anonymous

IntheworkplacetheyreceivedmesowellbecauseIwasworkinginahealth facility,theytreatedmewithrespectanddignity,andtheymademefeellikeI belong.Everyonewassokindtowardsme,Ihadthebestcolleaguesever. Myadvicetoapersonwhostillhasthesignsofanytypeofdepressionmust seeahealthpractitionerbeforethediagnosis.Ifitmayhappenthatyoubeen diagnosedwiththeillness,trybyallmeansnottopayattentiontoeverything ortakeeverythingtoheart.Staystrongeventhoughit’snotaneasythingto do,neverbreakdowninfrontofpeople.Ifyoufeellikecryinginfrontof people,quicklyruntothebathroomandcrythere,orgotothesecludedarea, becausetheminutepeopleseeyoucryingtheywillstartgossipingand pointingfingersatyou;thatwillmakeyoufeelvulnerable.Choosetosmile evenifdeepdownyouarehurting.Wearyoursmileandwakeupevery morningandeachday,inthatwayyouareboostingyouregoandyour confidence.

MY EXPERIENCE AS A PSYCHIATRIC PATIENT by Anonymous HOWIEXPERIENCELIFEINHOSPITAL Hospitalsaremuchmoreaccustomedtotreatingmymentalillnessandsothe stigmasurroundingthementalillnessislessenedalthoughitisnottotally eliminated.Therearesomeforinstance,securityguardswhomisunderstand theillnessandtendtostigmatise;otherwisethewholeexperienceinhospitals isnotthatbad. HOWIEXPERIENCEMYMENTALILLNESSATHOME Thereisverylittleunderstandingofpsychosisorschizophreniaathome becausetherehasnotbeenanyonetointerpretwhattheillnessentails.Asa result,theretendstobealotofstigmatisation.Thiscanbecounteractedby providingthehomewitheducationabouttheillness,Iamcertainthatwill lessenthestigmaaroundpsychosis/schizophrenia.

FIGHTING

by Nyasha

Karen

THE STIGMA

Marasha

DepressionisoneofthosethingsthatIknewnothingabout.Each timeIheardaboutitIjustshrugged,thinking'notme'.Iusedtothink whowouldbothertotalkabouttheirfeelings,andhavepeoplelaugh atyouthatyouareweak.Thatwasuntilithitme. Ididn’tknowwhatwashappeningtome,exceptthatIhada constantfearofsomethinguntouchable.Ihadnumeroussleepless nights,hauntedbygloomythoughts,soIdreadedlyingawake.At thesametime,sleepingmeantnightmares;itwasaviciouscycleof tortureIjustcouldn'tbreak.Allthislackofproperrestledto constantmigrainesandunexplainedbodyaches.Iwasquickto assumetheworstandbecameahypochondriac;IfearedIhad somedreadeddisease. Beinganimmigrantmadeitalltheworse.Yougenerallydon’thave family,orfriendssoitwasquitealonelytime.Allthesame,I thoughtIcouldgetoveritbymyself. Aftersomemonthsofthisconstantbattering,IbecamesosickI wasforcedtogoseeadoctor.Afterabriefexamination,hetold metherewasnophysicalcauseoftheconstantmigraines,body aches,andhighbloodpressure.Hisdiagnosis-stress.

Karen Nyasha Marasha

FIGHTING THE STIGMA

Headvisedmetoseeatherapistandgetmybloodpressure checkedeverymonth.Findinghelpwasabitchallengingwhenyou can'tafforditsincemosttherapistsareintheprivatesectorAnd thepublicsectorisalreadyoverwhelmedwithahighdoctor-patient ratio.ThenIrememberedthatatourchurchtheyalwaysadvertised counselingservicesforthosewhoneededthem. Goingtotherapyhelpedmealot,thatiswhenIlearnedIhad depression.ThetherapisttookmethroughCognitiveBehavioural Therapywhichputthingsintoperspective.Sheadvisedmetokeepa journalorevenwriteabookdocumentingmyexperiencesandmy journey.ItookupthechallengeandImadesureIdocumentedmy thoughtsandfeelingsaboutmyhealingjourney.Yousee,thegreat thingaboutjournalingisnoonejudgesyou.Itisasafeenvironment whereyouarefreetoexpressyourself,beitwhenyouarehappyor whenallyoufeelisrage.Itwasagoodwayoflettingoutbottled feelings. Afterafewweeksoftherapy,Istartedfeelingsomewhatbetter, andmybloodpressurereducedtoanormallevel.Itwas,however,a slowjourneytorecovery,withmomentswhenIwouldjustfeel hopeless.Istilljournalaspartofmyself-careroutine.

Whilewritingmybookononeofthedays,Ifoundmyselfwondering howmanypeopleouttherearesufferinginsilence,notknowing wheretogo,orafraidtoseekhelp.Idecidedtostartablog,sharing myexperiencewithdepression,andhowitisolatesyouandrobsyou ofjoy.Itwasofcourseanotherbattletostart. Whatifnoonelikesmyblog?WhatifImakemistakesandmakea foolofmyselforgetattackedonline?Withallthestigma surroundingmentalhealthproblemswhowilltakemeseriously? Thesequestionshauntedmeandvirtuallyparalyzedmeforsome years. ThenIdecidedtochallengemyselftomakethebloggoliveonmy birthdayin2020.Ihadtosharemystory,showtheworldthatthere isnoshameinhavingmentalhealthchallenges,andtalkaboutthem openly.Itisnodirtysecretthathastobewhisperedaboutindark rooms.OnceIstartedtheblogithasbeenanincrediblejourneyasI discoveredthereisalotofsupportoutthere,peoplewillingtofight thestigmathatsurroundsmentalhealthissues. Alotstillhastobedone,butIlearnedsharingexperiencesisa journeyofhealingandhelpsde stigmatizementalhealthproblems.

Karen Nyasha Marasha

FIGHTING THE STIGMA

Mylifejourneywithmymentalillnesshasn’tbeenaneasyonetoaccept.Firstly Iwasdiagnosedwith Bipolartype2thatwashighlyaggressive,whichIhadto cometotermswithitandhowtodealwithit.Tobetotallyhonestwithyouand everyone,Iwasasstubbornasadonkeywantingtodoandgotheirownway, howeveroftennumerousofattemptsIkeptonbangingmyhead.Afterfour yearsofcounsellingandmedicationIgottolovetoacceptitwithandwitha heavyheartbutasthesayinggoes“lifegoeson”. WelleventuallyIacceptedit,thementalissues,butafterseveralyearsI relapsedandturnedtodrugsandalcohol,whichendedwithmelivingonthe streetforsixyearswhereIhadtodiginrubbishbinsandbegforfoodand moneyontheroad.MyhealthtookabadturnasIendedupinandoutof hospitalfordifferentissues.EventuallyIfoundloveandIfoundaplacetostay onafarmwhichIcouldcallhome. IgotcleanedupbyhavingabathandshavewithahaircutandItooktothe streettofindtemporalworkwhichIdid.ThejobwhichIgotwasworkingasa carguardatashoppingcomplexwithmanyparkingboys.ToendthisoffIcan saytoeveryone:"DON’TTAKEDRUGSandyourmedicationtogetherasit doesn’twork." STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

Iwasdiagnosedthreeyearsagoandhavebeencontinuingwithmedication.I haveathree year oldson.Igetanxiousandsometimesstressed,butIhaveto livewiththismentaldisability.Ihavelearntself-controlandtoalwayssmile. Thoughtscansometimesrunbutthekeyistotellandcontrolthat.Iwas diagnosedatapublichospital. Itgetslonelytohaveamentalillnessandabit depressiveattimes,butItrytocontrolthatwithtryingtofocus.Thejourneyis tough,ItrytodrinkwaterandthathelpswithanxietyandIammoreawareof mymentaldisabilityandnowIhopeIrecoverinordertobeginanewlifeand carryonwithmyjourney,andfurthermoreI’mpreparedtohelpanyonewith anyoftheirproblems. Iwasbornon4December1984.IwenttoschoolandIfinishedmymatric. It wasjustthisonedaywhenIbrokethewholewindowswithmyhandsathome andmyneighbourcalledthepolicetotakemetotheclinicandIrefusedtoget downtothevan.Thentheywentwithmetohospital.InevergaveupasIhave successfullydoneafewlearnershipsandtrainingsandImakesuretocontinue withmymedication.I’mstablenow.Mytreatmenttreatsmeverywell.NowI amatamentalhealthresidency,and Ivolunteerasaworkshopinstructor.

STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

Iwanttotellyouaboutdisabilityandstigma. Whatisadisability?Somepeoplearebornwithadisabilityandsomeare disabledaftersubstanceabuse.Likeme,IamdisabledbecauseofdrugsI learnedatayoungage.WhenIwenttohighschoolIstartedtobeinvolvedin daggasmoking.Imanagedtowriteexamsandmatriculated,butwhenI passedIdidnotpass well,asaresultofdrugs. SoasaresultIgotsickandmyfathertookmetohospitalandImeta psychologistandIwasdiagnosedwithschizophreniawhichmeansIam mentallydisabledandmyfatherwassocross aboutmywholelife.Thatishow Ifeltstigmatised andrejectedbecausehesaidhewillnotdoanythingforme andIamauselesschild.WhenIhadadisabilitygrant,myfatherthoughtIwill useitforbuyingdaggaandallthings. ButnowIamachangedperson,IliveahealthylifebecauseIamatmental healthsociety.SoIadviseyouguysdon’tdodrugs.Ifyouwanttobe successfulinlifelearnfrommeDON’TDODRUGS,focusonyourstudiesandif youfalldon’tgiveup,just riseagainuntilyoureachthegoal…youwon’tregret it.Ifyoulistentoyourteachersoryourguidance.Bepositive,Ithankyou. STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

Myhusbandwasveryabusivewhichlandedmetosuffermajordepressive disorderbackin2009.HewasmytriggerandIwasputonananti-depressants. Thenin2010Ibecamesickandendedupinhospital,mysecondadmissionina psychosocialward,andIunderwentintensepsychotherapy.Istayedtherefor sevenmonths.Iwasmaniconthisadmission,thedoctorswerelookingfor diagnosesandfinallydiagnosedmewithbipolartype2whichwascalledmanic depression.Mysymptomsofmaniawere:increasedamountofenergy,being overlyreligious,wildideas,takingonmanytasksandnotgettinganythingdone, notsleeping,noteating.Iwasveryenergetic,opposingthemajordepressive disorder.BeingmanicIwasreceivingconstant thoughtsand myspeechwas reallyfast,thedoctorswereputtingmeondifferentmedicationallthetimeto figureoutwhichmedicationworks.Allthemedicationwaswrongwithbadside effects.Itwasonlyin2018thatdoctorsfoundthebestmedsforme.Backin 2010whenIgotdischargedfromthehospital,IfinallyleftmyhusbandbecauseI healedduetopsychotherapyandfoundmyvaluebutstillhadmedsthatcaused sideeffects.Inowfeellikearealhumanbeingandfunctionlikeanyotherperson. Inowliveatamentalhealthresidencywithpeoplewhohavementalillnesses.Itis anenvironmentwhereyouarelovedforwhoyouare.Alotofpeopleonthe outsidehavenoideawhatisgoingonbecausethisissueofmentalhealthdoes notcomeoutasatopic.Itneedstobetakenseriouslyandpeopleneed educationonthistopic.Youhaveenoughserotoninflowingintherightplacesof yourbrain,Idon’tproduceenoughserotonin,whichisachemicalinthebrain whichneedstobebalancedwithmeds.Aslongasthereisabalance,alliswell andprettynormal.

Hithere.I’vebeendiagnosedwithschizophreniaandmyfamilyarebeing difficult.Letmestartfromthebeginning.Therewasagroupofpeoplethat reallyhurtmebadly theyrapedmeand,mymomdidnotbelievemebecause theywerefriendswithmysister.Mysisterdidnotwantmetogettheattention that Isoreallyneeded.ShesaidIwasnothurtthatmuchbythem.Mymom believedmysisterandputmeinapublichospital.Theywouldnotlistentomeand saidIhadschizophrenia.Iendedupgaining35kginweight. Ieventuallystoppedmymedsandfellpregnant.WhenmysisterfoundoutIwas pregnant,shewassocrosswithmeshepunchedmeinthestomach,theregoes mybaby. MysisterthantoldmymomIwasnotpregnantandIwassoangryand hurtthatIcouldnotsettledownsoImovedbacktoPietermaritzburgandlanded upinhospitalforjustover4years.NowIliveatamentalhealthsociety,Iworkas areceptionistandI’vecalmeddownandIammuchhappier.

STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

Myjourneystartedbackin2002whenIstartedsmokingcigarettes.Ihadalways seenitonTVandinfilmsandthoughtitwascool.SoIadoptedthestyleinorder tofitinandattractmoregirlsastheyalsothoughtitwascooltoo.Duringthis timemyfriendsweresmokingaswell.In2003Ithenprogressedtosmoking weed;IfeltIneededsomethingstrongassmokingcigarettesdidnothavethe sameeffectonme.Withacoupleoffriendswebegantobunkschoolinorderto fulfillourhabit.Wewouldspendthewholedayoutofschoolandsmokinguntil theschoolbusarrivedtotakeushome. Mymothernevernoticedasshewasalwaysworkingandonlygothomeinthe latehours.OnedayIwascaughtatschoolsmokingwithintheschoolpremises,I gotexpelled,duringthistimeIwasdoinggrade10.WhenIgotkickedoutof schoolIstarteddoingsmalljobsinandaroundNorthdale.Iwasearningmoreor lessR700amonth,dependingonthetypeofjobIwasdoing.Igotmixedupwith thewrongpeoplewhointroducedmeto(triplec/mandrex).Mybehaviour changeddrasticallyeventhewayIlookedchanged.Iwasfightingalotwithmy parentsasIbecamemoreaggressive.In2005IgotarrestedbecauseIburntmy parents'housedown.Thiswastheresultofafightwithmymotheraboutthe smoking;Iwassentencedto3 yearsofhousearrest.Thefightscontinuedat home,momknewsomethinghadtobedonesoshetookmetothesocialworker. Thesocialworkerreferredmetotheclinic;attheclinictheydidnotseeanything wrongwithme.Istayedathomeandcontinuedtosmoke.ThreeyearslaterI landedupinhospital,Istayedthereforaboutthreemonths,anditwasthere thatIwasdiagnosedwithschizophrenia.

STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

IdrewthepictureofthelionbecauseIwasbornonthe30thofJuly,mystar signisaLeoandit'srepresentedbythelion.Ialsoseemyselfasstrongasthe lionbecauseIhavesurvivedallmylifeexperiences.TodayIamdrugfreeand livingstableonmedication. STORIES FROM OUR MENTAL HEALTH SOCIETIES

CHRONICLES OF A BIPOLAR PATIENT

by Disang Modulediextract from 'Chronicles of a Bipolar Patient'

'ChroniclesofaBipolarPatient'isamentalhealthnarrativeofa personalstorywrittentocreateawarenessonmentalhealth.Idecided towriteaboutmystorywhenlyingonahospitalbedattheNorthern CapeMentalHospitalinKimberlyonthe13thofSeptember2020.I alwayshadtheaspirationtosharemystorybutthesenseofurgency camewiththelastepisodethathappenedonthe1stofAugust2020.I becamereluctantandcouldn’tstartwritingimmediatelyafterbeing dischargedbecauseofantipsychoticdrugs’sideeffectsaswellas symptomsofdepression.ThingsbecameworsewhenIcouldn’tbe reinstatedtomyjobatRevivalFM,acommunityradiostationIworked forinKimberly. Theirrejectionanddiscriminationbecameaninspirationformetopush harderandbegantowritethisbook.Istartedtowriteonthe4thof June2021.Writingthisbookhasbeenbothchallengingandblessingat thesametime.Itwaschallengingbecauseitremindedmeofallthe brutalityofgoingthroughmentalhealthchallenges.Itissaidthat:“To healawoundyouneedtostoptouchingit”andEleanorBrownsays, “Whenanoldwoundgetsreopened,it’stemptingtothinknothinghas changedbutthewayyoudealwithit,allowsyoutoappreciatehow muchyouhavegrown”.

by Disang Modulediextract from 'Chronicles of a Bipolar Patient'

CHRONICLES OF A BIPOLAR PATIENT

Writingthisbookwasablessingbecauseitkeptmeengagedandnot anxiousaboutthestigmaandtherejectionthatIexperiencedasa resultofmylastbipolarepisode;itratherbecameausefulinstrument indealingwiththestigmaanddiscriminationassociatedwithmental health.IthoughtIwouldwriteaboutallthementalhealthepisodesthatI hadbutagaintokeepthisbookshortIhadtoonlywriteabouttheinitial mentalhealthchallengethatIhadin2011.Iwillwriteagainaboutthe 2016,2017,2018,and2020episodesinthesecondbookthatwillbea continuationofthisone. Thisbookisyouropportunitytotakeaglimpseintoamindofaperson livingwithmentalhealthchallengessothatyoumayhaveaclueofthe struggles,frustrations,andchallengesofpeoplegoingthroughmental healthissues.Ihavetriedbyallmeanstogivetoyoutheeventsasthey unfoldedandnottopacifyyourperceptionofmentalhealth.Ihopethat thisbookwillencourageyoutolearnmoreaboutmentalhealthandalso sparkinsideofyouadesiretoloveandaccommodatementalhealth careusersforwhotheyareandthechallengestherearegoingthrough.

You

At SAFMH, we run a mental health information desk. Through this we facilitate referrals to mental health and legal resources for persons with who need assistance with their mental health and their families, and we also assist these individuals with information on residential facilities, how to access treatment and support. You can reach out to us via our enquiries Help Desk at 011 781 1852 or send an email to info@safmh.org and we can then refer you to the necessary mental health services you need. It is really important for us to reiterate that safeguarding mental health is essential, not just for persons with existing mental health conditions, but for EVERYONE… because the truth is, there can be no health without mental health. are not alone

info@safmhorg www.safmh.org 0117811852