How We Heal

a collection of memories and experiences from my queer youth. the thoughts, the sounds, the feelings and the images that nuture my inner child. Told through art, photography and words.

is an autoethnographic exploration of the experience of growing up and how to heal and honour our inner child. Exploring themes of childhood, community, nostalgia and utopia as a tool for storytelling, to connect us to our pasts.

It is about growing up queer in a rural community, facing life’s obstacles and milestones while grappling with the nuances of my own identity. What that identity meant to me and what it meant to the world. This is something that I am still working to fully connect with and perhaps I never will, but by capturing the small, seemingly insignificant moments and places in time that helped me understand my whole self, it feels like I'm taking steps. With the goal of creating something that is earnest, reflective and at its core joyous, despite all odds.

Inner Child Theory is an integral component behind my motivations for this Capstone. By allowing ourselves to explore the feelings, interests and desires of our ‘inner child’ we can help ourselves navigate adulthood. By continuing to nurture our inner child we can heal, discover new parts of ourselves and hopefully live a more peaceful and balanced life.

With a multidisciplinary approach of; painting, film, audio design, poetry, editorial design, typographic design and branding, I have creatively explored moments/places/people from my childhood and teen years that I feel are important to the shaping of my present and future self. The goal of this project is to reflect on things that were possible and honour the things left to our imaginations.

HOW DO HEAL YOUR INNER CHILD?

DO YOU YOUR CHILD?

WHAT I AM THINKING RIGHT NOW...

I have to ask myself; am I really trying to answer this question or am I just exploring what it would mean to answer this question? Is there a difference? Is there even an answer at all? Is this something that can be placed into a box, wrapped up in paper with neatly folded corners and a big bow? A final destination in which once we get there we can finally draw a line in the sand and say proudly and confidently, ‘

I AM HEALED, I AM WHOLE.

To me, I don’t think there is one. There is no final destination and you can never draw that line. I don’t mean it in a pessimistic way, but in a way that says; “I am constantly growing and changing and learning. Learning about myself, about others, about the world and all it has to offer and all it has given me. All I have given it”. It is about choosing to nourishyourselfandradicallyaccepting that you spend your whole life learning.

I want to make a point that I believe that I believe that you don’t need to be healing from anything traumatic or negativefromyourpast.Toooftenpeople associatehealingwithtraumaornegative experiences and while that is true and important, I think that we can choose to healfromanything.Yourchildhoodcould have been so joyous and full of light and you could still benefit from connecting andhealingyourinnerchildbecausewe all have to navigate a world that is set up inawaythatbreaksdowntheveryspiritof childhood.Thesenseofplay,thecuriosity and courage to do or be anything.

I suppose that is the one question that is at the centre of this project.

I also want to express that while this project and my youth is intrinsically linked to my queerness and I do believe that getting in touch with and healing your inner child as a queer person is more important than ever, this concept of choosing your own peace transcends all identities.

complete this

As I

project, there is a rise of

anti-LGBTQ2S+ rhetoric and

legislation in the United States and beyond with a specific focus on anti-trans and anti-drag bills being proposed and passed in Senates across the country. Now more than ever we have to protect and nourish our queerness and the queer community as it faces these systemic attacks. The queer community is strong in the face of opposition and I have no doubt will rise above this, as we have risen above everything else. However, for those in positions of privilege, we must work hard to uplift and protect the members of our community who are the most vulnerable.

As a collective, the queer community can work to nourish our inner child to keep in-tune with ourselves. To remind ourselves that no matter what anyone does or says against queer people. We are worthy of living bountiful, carefree lives, full of comfort, love, friendship and joy.

REMEMBER HOW WE USED RUN?

REMEMBER WE TO RUN?

A MOMENT WITH A LOVED ONE

NEVER SO LUCKY HAVE GROWN WITH SOMEONE

MAYBE IT'S TIME FACE YOU

MAYBE TIME FACE IT

A MOMENT WITH YOURSELF

A moment with yourself is arguably most important when exploring your inner child. This piece is a celebration of where my queerness is today. The mix of masculine and feminine, sure and unsure, dirty and clean, private and public, city and rural. I wanted to create an image that was colour and that stretched the boundaries of light and dark to create something that felt gritty, dark and futuristic. Inspired by Pop- Art, for me taking these photographs was more so a way to become more comfortable with my body and identity in a physical sense. I’m trying to take baby steps to discover myself and this is one of them. It makes me question what it means to present as queer, if there is even such a thing. I still feel attached to how I was presenting growing up, maybe because it is comforting and all I know but I know that I need more. The dichotomy between wearing a trench coat, something that covers and protects me, over top of a sheer top and underwear I suppose represents where I am with my own queerness, vulnerable and growing but hopeful and excited. I’m still in the process of unlearning what I’ve been taught about queerness and sometimes that is hard.

A MOMENT WITH YOURSELF IS ARGUABLY MOST IMPORTANT WHEN EXPLORING YOUR INNER CHILD. PIECE IS A CELEBRATION OF WHERE MY QUEERNESS IS TODAY. THE MIX OF MASCULINE AND FEMININE, SURE AND UNSURE, DIRTY AND CLEAN, PRIVATE AND PUBLIC, CITY AND RURAL. I WANTED TO CREATE AN IMAGE THAT WAS COLOUR AND THAT STRETCHED THE BOUNDARIES OF LIGHT AND DARK TO CREATE SOMETHING THAT FELT GRITTY, DARK AND FUTURISTIC. ART, FOR ME TAKING THESE PHOTOGRAPHS WAS MORE SO A WAY TO BECOME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH MY BODY AND IDENTITY IN A PHYSICAL SENSE. I’M TRYING TO TAKE BABY STEPS TO DISCOVER MYSELF AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM. IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT IT MEANS TO PRESENT QUEER, IF THERE IS EVEN SUCH A THING. I STILL FEEL ATTACHED TO HOW I WAS PRESENTING GROWING UP, MAYBE BECAUSE IT IS COMFORTING AND ALL I KNOW BUT I KNOW THAT I NEED MORE. THE DICHOTOMY BETWEEN WEARING A TRENCH COAT, SOMETHING THAT COVERS AND PROTECTS ME, OVER TOP OF A SHEER TOP AND UNDERWEAR I SUPPOSE REPRESENTS WHERE I AM WITH MY OWN QUEERNESS, VULNERABLE AND GROWING BUT HOPEFUL AND EXCITED. I’M STILL IN

A MOMENT WITH WHERE YOU CAME FROM

SO SHE

THERE

THERE SAT

By a pale field of crop, under a lavender moon sat a small house. The house didn’t have anything particularly fancy or special about her but she was sturdy and safe. An old bungalow with a red brick chimney that always had smoke billowing from the top, with green shutters that needed to be painted and a garden that needed tending and a line of dead grass across her front lawn from the constant running footsteps and bike wheels that followed its path.

SO THERE SHE SAT.

Her friend, the maple tree sat beside her to shade her from the hot summer sun and protect her from the heavy rains of spring. And in the autumn, when her friend the maple tree grew tired from holding his leaves, she would allow him to gently place them on her lawn, giving him the chance to rest through the winter to prepare for the spring.

SO THERE THEY SAT.

She knew she had seen and her friend the maple tree had seen better days, old and worn. but she knew that they protected the love inside her walls.

But as her front door swung on its hinges, back and forth and the years passed, and the running footsteps slowed down and grew in size

and the bike wheels turned to car wheels that drove away and her friend the maple tree had to be laid to rest, she felt the heat of the summer sun and the fall of spring rain without him. Her walls grew quiet and calm.

SO THERE SHE SAT. Waiting for them to be boisterous again.

SUBTEXT & FANTASY

SUBTEXT

A MOMENT WITH SOMEONE WHO INSPIRES YOU

Each of us has a person that inspires our creativity. For me that is Lady Gaga. At about 8 or 9 years old I sat on the edge of the blue leather sofa in my living room, peering over the shoulder of my older brother who sat in front of our family’s old Dell desktop. After waiting what seemed like years for it to boot up and connect to the internet (which was still dial-up), he got onto YouTube and started showing me music videos of all his favourite musicians. This had become somewhat of a tradition for us. He knew that I loved music videos. I would spend every Saturday night sitting in front of the TV watching Much Countdown, waiting in anticipation to see what music video would be the number one of that week.

When I saw the ‘Just Dance’ music video there was a magnetic pull from her that I couldn’t seem to escape and then from that moment on I was hooked. I spent the rest of my preteen, teen (and admittedly my adult) years following her pretty intensively. Many memories from my childhood and beyond have connections to her in some way. Secretly watching the ‘Telephone’ music video on my iPod because everyone said it was too scandalous to watch. Dancing around my living room to LoveGame when no one was watching, running to buy the Born This Way album the day it came out or seeing her in concert

for the time. However, I remember feeling almost embarrassed to admit my admiration for her to my family or peers because she had already cemented herself as such a powerful queer figure of the time. I knew that by admitting to being as big of a fan as I was, I was also admitting to my otherness (code for queerness), which I was so terrified to do. I had to insist that “no, she’s just a really great singer!”.

I would credit her as the first person I saw who was creating visual content that spoke to me. As a child, I don’t think I quite understood the nuance of that and the queer influences behind it but I knew I was fascinated by her avant-garde approach to fashion and storytelling. Without her I doubt I would have ever had an interest in fashion or

art like I do now. She is a successful queer artist who unapologetically references and creates for queer culture. Now as an adult who is trying their hardest to celebrate their queerness without shame, her music and artistry serves as a constant reminder that is possible. This photograph series titled “Subtext and Fantasy’ references the Born This Way album photoshoot, shot by Nick Knight who has also been a major inspiration as I’ve explored photography more. The title itself is another Gaga reference as they are lyrics from her song ARTPOP. Subtext referring to these photos representing my desire for queer expression, fantasy referring to otherworldly elements. It is my world and I can create it. Including her here is important to me because I want to give space to honour the love I had for her as a child without the weight of that embarrassment attached and celebrate the love I still have for her now.

LET'S HOME NOW

A MOMENT TO REFLECT

LET'S HOME NOW GO

IT STARTED AS SOMETHING I WANTED TO RUN FROM BUT NOW IT’S SOMETHING I LOOK FORWARD TO SITTING WITH.

Let’s Go Home Now is the nucleus of this project. When I was forming the idea of revisiting important memories/people/places in my childhood as a way to heal and honour my inner child, the first thing I thought of was my childhood bedroom. What other place better serves as a place of solitude and comfort in the beginning of life than your own bedroom. Until I moved out

on my own, I had spent my entire life in that same bedroom. I shared it with my twin brother Shayne until we were 14. Days and nights spent together or apart it was a place to experience joy, anger, sadness and confusion. I spent my entire childhood and teen years sitting either staring at the ceiling or out the window reflecting on my own thoughts so it only made sense to me for that to be the focus

of this painting. Inside the room you can see the corner of my bed, a place of literal and spiritual comfort. Beside it a Himalayan salt lamp casts a warm glow through the room. Outside, an early evening thunderstorm looms and a flash of lightning illuminates the sky. As a young child, I was so terrified of thunderstorms. I have a memory of running into my basement to hide while my babysitter comforted me.

I couldn’t really tell you why I didn’t like them, I just didn’t. However, once I got older thunderstorms became something I found myself looking forward to and missing in the dead of winter. I liked that it seems the whole world stands still. Every insect and bird, every leaf and blade of grass stops for the power of the storm. People gather under porches or open garages to listen and watch and wait for the

first drop of rain to hit the hot pavement. In this particular storm I sat on my bed with my window open, letting the cool breeze dance with the curtain and watched the lightning. I was always told by my Nan that thunderstorms and lightning were a sign of awakening and transformation because of the transfer of energy from the sky to the ground. Times like these

are when I become the most selfreflective, it just feels intuitive. The change in my relationship with thunderstorms felt like the perfect symbol for my journey with my queerness. It started as something I wanted to run from but now it’s something I look forward to sitting with.

PROTECT KIDS

My name is Ryan MacDonald. I am a artist and designer with a special interest in blending traditional art with modern design. I am interested in exploring the intersectionality of queerness and art/design/ fashion/pop culture in my work and how queerness informs how we interact with and live in the world.