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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XXI
GREEK
National Interfraternity Council Releases Updated Hazing Guidelines
50¢
April 8th, 2009
SOUTH JERSEY SECEDES FROM NORTH North Jersey to South: “Fuck Off, It’s About Time”
BY MICHAEL PADLOCKE CONTRIBUTING DOUCHEBAG
Houston, TX – 49 delegates from Rutgers attended the 32nd Annual National Inter-Fraternity Convention (NIFC) last week, held this year at the Houston Convention Center. The Congress of Councils meets during this time to guide and legislate the general state of affairs of its constituent fraternities. This year, the Congress released the updated 2009 NIFC Resolutions, which outline proper hazing protocol for all fraternities. Highlights of the bill include: – No pledge shall be forced to drink any more than 5 oz of semen on any given night. – Recommends, but does not require, that all alcohol forced upon pledges be mixed with at least three (3) parts urine for every one (1) part alcohol. – No pledge shall be forced to have sex with an animal that weighs less than 300 lbs, or is female. – No pledge may be subject to any more than 72 hours of sleep deprivation on any given day. – No pledge may be circumcised, unless they already have been. – Identification numbers may be tattooed on the pledges, but only on the left inner forearm. – Pledges may only hook up with a brother’s leftovers; in extreme cases, only their Big’s leftovers (unless the pledge is in Iota, in which case, their Nig’s leftovers). – Pledges may not use condoms that have not already been used at least three (3) times prior. – In the event a real fag pledges, all NIFC Protocols may be disregarded at the discretion of the senior brothers.
What About a Wawa?
Early secession meetings were clandestinely held in Wawas like the one pictured above, where secessionists had easy access to things like hoagies and superior service.
BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
In what experts are calling the “darkest hour” for the Armpit of America, South Jersey has united and issued secession proclamations to the Northern Counties. During a recent press conference, South Jersey spokesman Mike of Jersey Mike’s Subs issued the following statements: “North Jersey has encroaching on our lands for years. Every day, new diners are built, more Bennies sign beachhouse leases, and an ever-increasing number of Wawas are relocated to the growing smog of North Jersey. Their Indian problem is out of control, their air is unbreathable, and we cannot stand to be associated with them any longer.” An incendiary letter entitled “Fuck You, Hicks,” from Kevin Smith claims to accurately represent Northern
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sentiments toward the South. Excerpts read, “thank you berserk hillbilly fucks succeeded, or whatever...you can keep your goddamned hoagies, Eagles, and shitty weed.” The local guido population has not taken the news well. “To be honest, I’m just tryin’ to grind up on some biddies at Club Abyss,” explained Tony [name changed to protect identity]. “While those particular endeavors may not be adversely affected by the current civil unrest, how the fuck am I supposed to cross the border and show off my juiced up guns at Belmar Beach if I have to sign an oath of loyalty denouncing my broskis in Jersey City?” he continued to say, as he lamented over the current happenings. North Jersey has clearly indicated that they will not make any diplomatic efforts to rekindle relations with the rogue state. Instead, they plan to host annual “Piss On Our Beaches” drives in an effort to lower test scores across the North.
“The Lonely Island” Denies Allegations That They Have Never, In Fact, Been On a Boat Page 2-b
Pickling Babies For Thirty Years ESTABLISHED 1970
White House Cleaning Staff Still Hasn’t Removed Cheney From Rafters Page 3-a