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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XXI
National Interfraternity Council Releases Updated Hazing Guidelines
April 8th, 2009
SOUTH JERSEY SECEDES FROM NORTH North Jersey to South: “Fuck Off, It’s About Time”
BY MICHAEL PADLOCKE CONTRIBUTING DOUCHEBAG
Houston, TX – 49 delegates from Rutgers attended the 32nd Annual National Inter-Fraternity Convention (NIFC) last week, held this year at the Houston Convention Center. The Congress of Councils meets during this time to guide and legislate the general state of affairs of its constituent fraternities. This year, the Congress released the updated 2009 NIFC Resolutions, which outline proper hazing protocol for all fraternities. Highlights of the bill include: – No pledge shall be forced to drink any more than 5 oz of semen on any given night. – Recommends, but does not require, that all alcohol forced upon pledges be mixed with at least three (3) parts urine for every one (1) part alcohol. – No pledge shall be forced to have sex with an animal that weighs less than 300 lbs, or is female. – No pledge may be subject to any more than 72 hours of sleep deprivation on any given day. – No pledge may be circumcised, unless they already have been. – Identiﬁcation numbers may be tattooed on the pledges, but only on the left inner forearm. – Pledges may only hook up with a brother’s leftovers; in extreme cases, only their Big’s leftovers (unless the pledge is in Iota, in which case, their Nig’s leftovers). – Pledges may not use condoms that have not already been used at least three (3) times prior. – In the event a real fag pledges, all NIFC Protocols may be disregarded at the discretion of the senior brothers.
What About a Wawa?
Early secession meetings were clandestinely held in Wawas like the one pictured above, where secessionists had easy access to things like hoagies and superior service.
BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
In what experts are calling the “darkest hour” for the Armpit of America, South Jersey has united and issued secession proclamations to the Northern Counties. During a recent press conference, South Jersey spokesman Mike of Jersey Mike’s Subs issued the following statements: “North Jersey has encroaching on our lands for years. Every day, new diners are built, more Bennies sign beachhouse leases, and an ever-increasing number of Wawas are relocated to the growing smog of North Jersey. Their Indian problem is out of control, their air is unbreathable, and we cannot stand to be associated with them any longer.” An incendiary letter entitled “Fuck You, Hicks,” from Kevin Smith claims to accurately represent Northern
Tossin’ It: Greeks love their salad.
Area Man Mixes it Up, Wears Sweatpants Page 2-a
sentiments toward the South. Excerpts read, “thank you berserk hillbilly fucks succeeded, or whatever...you can keep your goddamned hoagies, Eagles, and shitty weed.” The local guido population has not taken the news well. “To be honest, I’m just tryin’ to grind up on some biddies at Club Abyss,” explained Tony [name changed to protect identity]. “While those particular endeavors may not be adversely affected by the current civil unrest, how the fuck am I supposed to cross the border and show off my juiced up guns at Belmar Beach if I have to sign an oath of loyalty denouncing my broskis in Jersey City?” he continued to say, as he lamented over the current happenings. North Jersey has clearly indicated that they will not make any diplomatic efforts to rekindle relations with the rogue state. Instead, they plan to host annual “Piss On Our Beaches” drives in an effort to lower test scores across the North.
“The Lonely Island” Denies Allegations That They Have Never, In Fact, Been On a Boat Page 2-b
Pickling Babies For Thirty Years ESTABLISHED 1970
White House Cleaning Staff Still Hasn’t Removed Cheney From Rafters Page 3-a
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
“The Rutgers Review is as straight as its columns”
Editorial Staff Spring 2009 Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Staff Artist Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor
Abe Stanway Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Mike Vuono Paul Winters Tim Swanson Colin Fong Diet Poopsi Cocaine-a Cola Mountain Don’t Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The ofﬁce of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Centurion, our sole inspiration. And to your face’s mom. Corrections: Last week’s issue was not our highly touted April Fool’s edition. If you perchance believed anything written on it, you are now a well informed individual.
Editor of Centurion “Desperately Concerned” For Our Immortal Souls BY SO SODDS CONTRIBUTING WRITER
With one hand raised prayer-like and the other gently caressing a bible, Centurion editor Dan Bogus tearfully professed his sadness at the fate that awaits his fellow students in the afterlife. “You cannot know the agony this causes me,” cried Bias, “how it keeps me up at night praying and fasting.” Family-value-stained overalls that evoke the picture of a cute little southern Baptist church atop a cute little knoll are the essence of Bigot’s style. Day after day Big-guy wages the spiritual battle of good-old Amurrican Jesus over radical atheist condoms with Christlike compassion. Next time you use a condom ask it whether it believes in God – the answer may surprise you. Bogey said that’s why
he got involved with the Centurion. “I realized the only way I could stop me and all my brethren from plummeting to the ﬁery depths of hell was to make fun of abortion patients,” said Buggy, dabbing at his teary, compassionate eyes with a handkerchief as white as purity herself. “Jesus is a Rutgers alumnus more famous even than Paul Robeson, yet not one building on campus bears his name,” he pointed out. Bugger would not rule out the possibility that hellspawn demons dwell among us. “A curly haired colored woman told me to shove it getting off the EE today. I was sure she must be an agent of Beelzebub. Only when the evil ones are hunted out and burned lovingly on a ﬁery cross will we know how many of the student body the devil has already claimed.”
PEOPLE The Medium would like to congratulate it’s own Jon Borshadt, aka “Holden Penis,” on the recent DVD release of “Dog Sees God,” where he gave enthralling performance in both of the production’s male on male scenes. “It’s really just a passion I have, you know,” he remarked during an exclusive interview. “I don’t even care about the critical acclaim, or how much it turns guys on when I charmingly smile while getting facefucked by a nineinch long black dick. Social norms? So what. I’m far too indie for those kind of riff-raff generalizations. Just because I have sex with men doesn’t make me gay, right?” He plans to advance his career in the industry after he graduates and is slated to be included in the cumshot scene of the $10,000 upcoming production of “Cock-hungry Cowboys III: No Cunt for Old Men.”
North Korea Successfully Tests World’s First Inter-Continental Busing Mechanism Revolutionary New “ICBM” System to Usher N. Korea into New Millenium
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
PYONGYANG — Recently, North Korea has been under criticism for its unpopular program to construct and launch long range missiles. Many of the world’s nations are asking for the UN
to place additional sanctions on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea as a result of the satellite that was launched several days ago, that now poses an imminent threat to civilized nations everywhere. However, President Kim Jong Il insists that the new Taepodong-2 long-range
missiles will only be used to replace the country’s aging mass transit system. “I, your Dear Leader Kim Jong Il, have determined that our old trains and buses cannot meet the standards of mass transit that our Glorious Nation has reached!” exclaimed Jong Il at a recent rally.
“I, your Dear Leader, have invented newer methods of transportation after we use Taepodong-2 to obliterate the Japanese infidel…I mean, population problem.” Jong Il also added that the entire “nuclear missile” thing was just an Aprir Foor’s joke.
President Barack Obama was almost amused. “You old dog, you, we almost blew you fuckers to high hell,” he jested with the Revered One. “It’s all good though. Who says world leaders can’t have a bit of fun every now and then?”
Raunch the saterrite!
Kim Jong Il gloriously bids travelers adieu on the new ICBM transport missle
New Brunswick research team actively seeking sexually active females between the ages of 18 and 22 to participate in sexual experimentation. Studies will consist of quick twice weekly sessions. Advancements possible! Particularly qualiﬁed candidates are those who can be ﬂexible in their work and are using a medically acceptable form of birth control Cash Incentive! Those interested in participating are encouraged to send their information and photo to: Busch Student Center, Room 115, 9:00 Wednesdays
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
“If most people said what’s on their minds, they’d be speechless”
Now another edition of....
uess what rinds ary’s ears
People who talk loud on the bus I don’t care that you are riding the bus with your friend and you want to have a conversation now, but SHUT UP!!! I stood at the Livingston Student Center bus stop for ﬁve minutes right near you and you two didn’t talk, then all of sudden on the bus you get an insane urge to empty your vocal bladder all over everyone. I don’t care that you drank a lot of vodka and pissed off a bouncer before you passed out. No one wants to hear about it.
Swiss cheese It smells and tastes funny, I don’t like it.
People who talk loud on the bus into their cell phones Goes without saying. No one wants to hear any conversations on the bus, let alone a one-sided one. Despite the fact that EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANET KNOWS IT’S ANNOYING TO HEAR SOMEONE TALKING LOUDLY ON THEIR CELL PHONES, EVERYONE DOES IT ANYWAY.
People who answer their phone during class say, “I’m in class right now” and hang up Why do you have to answer the phone? You could just shut it off. The person who is calling you knows you are a student, so if you don’t answer your phone, it’s safe to assume you are in class. No one is going to shrivel up into an irregular twisted shape and die because you didn’t answer you phone during class.
The Pioneer of Flavour Presents
Hey, remember me? “How To Become A Millionaire By Writing A Teenage Drama Series” ...Aw, nobody does Part 2
I Van Deer Beek approve... ahhh I’m such a tool
As the Pioneer of Flavour, I am constantly besieged by questions, requests, and answers. People come up to me, asking me all manner of things, ranging from, “How can I create the perfect holiday dinner for my family and close friends?” to, “What would you suggest I give my sweetheart for Valentine’s Day?” to, “What can I do to help the poor and needy?” But one thing that seems to come up again and again is this universal query: “How the fuck can I become a millionaire by writing a teenage drama series?” Well, my friends, rejoice, because I have the answer you seek. Now, to write a teenage drama series, the ﬁrst thing you should do is examine the three words which make up this genre: “teenage”, “drama”, and “series”. In the previous edition of the Medium, I discussed how to add drama to your characters. Today, we will examine dramatic writing and dramatic series. Dramatic Locations In a dramatic series, it is important to have locations. That way, all the dramatic characters can have places in which to interact dramatically, causing dramatic plot twists and turns. “The Teenage Drama Series Which Will Eventually Make Me A Millionaire” takes place in college, and the characters are all inhabitants of Mung Hall, a dormitory. Sometimes, they convene at a nearby coffee shop, which I’ve named the Boston Pancake House. Dramatic Introduction The ﬁrst few lines of a dramatic series are crucial, as most teenagers are biologically incapable of reading past that. If you want them to read the whole novel, or at least pretend to, you have to use lots of vivid imagery and dramatic language to hook them in immediately. Behold: As she tossed her soy, artiﬁcially sweetened latte into the garbage can outside of Boston Pancake House, the small, kitschy café near her campus, and watched the dark brown liquid spiral out of sight under the soggy remains of a decomposing, moldy hamburger, Cleo knew it was only a matter of time before The Pioneer of Flavour created a silly, dramatic metaphor comparing this image to her life. So instead she cursed, remembering the events of that morning. “I mean, I am just using you for sex,” he had said. “I understand that, and I respect that, but please understand that with me it’s the back door way or the highway,” she had responded, “I want to stay pure till marriage.” “I’m afraid it’s not going to work, then,” he had responded to her response, “I’m just not that much of an ass guy, sorry.” “Bitch.” Dramatic Cliffhangers Dramatic cliffhangers are arguably almost if not as important as a dramatic introduction and dramatic characters and locations. Now, you can go crazy and put a cliffhanger at the end of each page or even each sentence, but this may be a little difﬁcult to accomplish for amateurs such as yourself. So just make sure you put one at the end of each chapter. Here are some sample cliffhangers: Dramatic cliffhanger #1: “Mandy, I need you to engage with me in a mature confrontation,” Cleo said hesitantly. “Yes?” “I was...uhm...doing certain things...you know...” “Yes?” “You know, engaging in certain, uhm, behaviors...” “Go on.” “I was...uh...you know...how shall I put it? Jerkin’ the nerkin’...” “Huh?” “Jerkin’ the gherkin...?” “What are you talking about?” “Oh come on, you know... fulﬁlling my needs... juicin’ it old school...spanking the monkey...choking the chicken...beating the meat...ﬂogging the dolphin...stroking the sausage...petting the weasel... bashing the bishop...playing the skin ﬂute...cleaning the pipes...whacking the mole...doing the ﬂoggle nozzle...” “That last one didn’t work.” “Fine! I was jerking off to pirate porn! Okay? Alright? Are you happy now? And somehow I ended up jerking off to you! Is there something you’d like to tell me?” Mandy turned bright red. “Uhm...I’m friends with someone who watches pirate porn on Saturday nights?” “NO! That’s not the answer, Mandy!” Mandy looked at her feet and started to cry. “Cleo...there’s something I should probably tell you.” “Yes?” Mandy gulped. “I’m secretly a porn star.”
Dramatic cliffhanger #2: Cleo did a double take. There was something in the toilet bowl – an amorphous silver blob, almost like a gust of wind, but with a lot more pimples. There was no question about it: she was face to face with a ghost. “Ew, what the fuck!” she screeched, “Who dat?” “Hello,” said the ghost politely, “my name is Bob.”
HaHa! Good times Can someone cover my shift at IHop for me? Also can someone lend me bus money...I’ll pay you back Also send your articles to Features@themedium.net
OP/ED, EDD, AND EDDY
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
“I am going to punch pizzaface bitch in the face...if she wasn’t a pizzaface..then I’d get diseases.”
Alright, I get it!! Your Roommate is from HELL!!! By The Girl personals editor
Someone make me ﬂy backwards off my rotating ofﬁce chair and send in a personal about how you actually LIKE your roommate! Every week it’s Click: To my roommate... Click: To my roommate. Click: My name is Lolo from Liberia and I just die and have inheritance waiting you! Ok, that’s something else (that I’ll look into later), but if it isn’t about your roommate then it’s about your roommate. They’re watching TV?! The nerve! They’re munching on po-tae-to chippos? ROAR! They steal money from you? You don’t even have money because you go here, remember? Diddly do bop damn, why aren’t you entitled to a SINGLE room with levitating Jacuzzis and shag carpets to shag on, yeeeah baby. You can’t handle sharing a room now-- how do you expect to handle THE FUTURE? One day you will wake up, and there’s gonna be someone sharing the fuckin’ bed with you! Not only farting in your room, but IN YOUR BEDSHEETS! And it’ll be like that every day for the rest of ever! What the tiny gerbils are you gonna do then?! Send your hubby/wifey personals to Ask Abbey? Abbey’s worse than me because she doesn’t even adequately address anyone’s problems! Let me tell you now what she’s gonna tell you ten years down the road: get marriage counseling. How generic. It’s like my high school nurse whose answer to everyone’s problems was “have an aspirin.” “But, I’m menstruating through my jeans!” “Aren’t you a fertile one. Have an aspirin, it’ll clot it all faster.” Holy mackerel that was an awful day. Are you people trying to tell me that you can’t wait until you graduate so you can set off on your veggie burger nomadic lifestyle o’ seclusion? Hawhaw, fat sandwich chance—you can’t spread your arms apart in this state without hitting someone, and they’re probably gonna cuss you out for it too. Now, my roommate and I are great with each other. I don’t give a rat’s ass what she does. My res hall, however, gives plenty of rat’s ass as evidenced by the abundance of tiny feces, so I stay out of my dorm as much as possible. PERHAPS if you spent less time “chillin” in your dorm your life would be interesting enough that you wouldn’t have to get your kicks focusing on every miniscule aspect of someone else’s life! Seriously people, come’on naw.
Xhibit A: SEE People Lookie Down thar! A personal about a Roommate! Oh My goodness I’m gonna bust a fuckin artery in my Rectum!! Dear Roommate, You are such an idiot. You spend all your time “studying” for Pharmacy just so you can fail all your tests. You used to be either valedictorian or salutatorian at your old high school and now you get D’s on like everything that you do. Way to fail at life. You spend all your time either watching your 15 god damn weekly TV shows on MY fucking TV so that I can never use it, or giggling like an annoying ass hole over Twilight. Well, news ﬂash honey, Twilight is NOT real. No matter how many times you probably secretly masturbate to Edward Cullen, you will never get vampire jizz in your pants. I don’t understand how you’ve made it through life this far, since your life seems to be a battle of the things that you hate. You hate school, you hate home, you hate this, you hate, you hate that. How you manage to keep around your one or two friends I’ll never know - oh wait, sexual
favors, never mind. The ﬁfty bajillion Twilight posters on the wall are gay as fuck, why do I want freakishly pale Edward Cullen staring at me while I sleep - lemme tell ya, I DON’T!!!! Oh, and way to be a cheap bitch. I got you a Christmas present because you were my roommate and what do I get in return - nothing, nadda, not even a god damn home made Christmas card. And could you please stop leaving the heater on all the friggin’ time? I signed up with housing for a DORM ROOM, NOT A FUCKING SAUNA!!!! And it’s my room too you skanky little whore, so if I’m so hot that I’m sweating, I think that I have a right to turn off the heater without getting any of your black sass. Guess what, black history month is over, so stop acting like you own the fucking world. You could barely own anyone at anything. You’re the only person that I know who gets so scared about talking to other people, that they physically start sweating. Way to be a complete failure at interpersonal communication. The mentally challenged dude from one of my classes is a lot more successful at communication than you, and he yells at everyone at a volume of like ﬁfty fucking decibels. Oh and when you do ﬁnally reach your dream of being a pharmacist, I hope you accidentally overdose on some meds and then die. Cause get what, ass hole, ain’t no one comin’’ to your funeral - you actually have to have friends to make some kind of an impression in the world. Oh by the way, stop wearing white undies when you’re black, they’re fucking see through, and bitch, I don’t want to see what you’ve got to display!
So, now that I’ve gotten this all out in the open, allow me to ﬁnish up by saying this: you watch your back. You touch my stuff or give me sass and I will kick you so hard in your tiny little vagina that you’ll have a ball sack. GET IT?!? GOOD!!! Now go die and save the rest of us the trouble.
A Modest Proposal for Eliminating Obesity & Solving World Hunger... an editorial By Yum TuM: Contributing writer
The obesity epidemic has plagued the American public. In fact, one in three American adults, aged 20 through 74, are considered overweight. Counter this epidemic is the problem of world hunger. This problem is so rampant, that one person dies every ﬁve seconds due to a hunger related cause. The question arises, what has the government done to solve these problems? The question is simply answered by looking at our surrounding and reading the news. Looking around campus, we see numerous obese students walking to class with chips in one hand and soda on the other. The overcrowded buses also support this claim. Regarding hunger, worldwide reports of the continuous and increasing death toll as a result of hunger, clearly paints a picture that not enough is being done to solve the problem. A simple yet humble solution would not only solve the problem of obesity, it would concurrently work to eliminate world hunger. The health and ﬁtness business are preying on the obese, promising and assuring them of ways that could help them attain the ﬁgure and health status they so long desire. Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers and diet pills are examples of businesses that prey on this weakness. These companies charge expensive amounts and promise change, but we see no change. They are all talk and no action! The simple solution to end obesity along with hunger is a practical solution modeled after “cause and effect” theory. Let us send the obese in hunger stricken regions of the world. Sending obese Americans to these speciﬁc regions would surely cause them to lose P.S. I heard Satan is saving a special seat for you - one for critical ass hole bastards without any sense of fashion style or humor. Enjoy it down yonder
If you can read this shit then you don’t need glasses
Love, your roommate
“Ok, so you don’t like fat people...that’s nice. sucks for you because fatties are never going away!!! EVER.”
speaking of hell, what the hell is this here for?!
weight. A good way to do this is to send the obese people of each state to a speciﬁc country. We can even make this into a game. Something like “The Biggest Loser – Abroad Edition.” Of course our participants will not pack their own bags. We have to ensure the contents of the bags are necessities like clothes and medications and not Twinkies, chips or beef jerkies. To simultaneously aid in hunger, we would charge the obese a membership fee to join the weight loss process. If we pay for gym memberships, which promise weight loss, why not pay for this program, which not only promises weight loss but also ensures it. The money charged can then be used to bring aid in terms or food, agriculture, and livestock to these hunger stricken regions. In addition, we can help with the problem locally. How can Rutgers help with these problems? We should have scales in our dining halls along with an obese checkpoint ofﬁcer. These ofﬁcers will ask possible obese people to step on scales and determine if they are obese. If you are deemed obese, you will not be granted entrance to the dining hall. This examination will occur after getting swiped in. If you are deemed obese, the cost of the unused swipes will be totaled at the end of each semester and will go towards third world countries to be used for food consumption. These two solutions will aid in reducing the incidence of obesity in America along with solving the world hunger problem. In addition, cost of food at the dining halls will probably decrease because less food will be consumed. Killing two birds with one stone – thanks for the education Rutgers.
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
“On closer inspection, these are loafers”
by Russian Mail-Order Bride Special thanks to Jon B. for the inspiration.
The Facebook Piure of the Week For so, so many reasons...
Took a shit on a piece of paper and now you want to see it published? Then submit it! The Medium account is temporarily fucked so email everything to firstname.lastname@example.org by Micro F-150
Why do you have Bill tattooed on your ass?
And why is your face so close to his ass?
Wait, why are there no girls? Are you guys even at a party?
“Hey guys my uncle taught me this really cool drinking game... Ok ﬁrst get naked. Good now start crying.”
THE MEDIUM (The following personals were sporadically compiled over a period of 48 hours during which I received a full four hours of sleep writing papers and studying for exams. The events are not entirely ﬁctional. Any resemblance to you or someone you know is probably not coincidental) To the lippincott 1st ﬂoor bitch: the bathroom wall did not lie when it referred to you as a fugly slut and the thick black sharpie marker cannot cover up that fact. Your everyday attire of bebe sport sweatpants and purple shirts revolt us...do you think your a teletubby? One day when you least expect it, i am going to gather your stringy black hair around my ﬁst and rock your face into the mirror and enjoy watching your face smear off. (As long as we’re being graphic, if you “rocked” her face into a mirror it would most likely not smear off. The shards of broken mirror would probably hold her face in place. Then things really would look, as you put it, “fugly.”) To the pathological liar: did chicago call you today? how bout the queen of england? or one of your 83 boyfriends? did you remove any ice skates from your back lately? please just go back to your “graduate program at cambridge” and leave lippincott immediately. Your lies annoy the fuck out of us. 3/31 7:15 pm- I’m in the library and on my third cup of coffee. Just realized I’m actually taking microeconomics and not macroeconomics as previously assumed. To the nappy headed lippincott ho: do you enjoy having millions of skeevy, HIVridden men pound on your door everyday? Go back to your hottie BF and stop screwing with pug-face from 2nd ﬂoor. I hope you get lots of diseases.
A Day We Shall Never Remember, 2009
“Top-Fuel Bread, Digest-Well!!!” Is Douglass still an allchick college? What’s the point, there are dicks everywhere. You can’t even go to your women’s liberation economics class without getting hit in the face with a dick. (We all believe in equality/androgyny, so a lot of us wear fake ones. Mine’s edible; a six inch sub on a hard roll to be exact, because sometimes I get hungry in Addictions Policy... you know, might as well be practical) 4/1 1:23 am- I’m on my 5th cup of coffee and I’ve been to the bathroom 3 times in the last half hour. To the guy who through a banana at bus because it didn?t wait for him. DAMN WTF is your problem throwing a banana at the bus and having a hissy ﬁt. Are we in the jungle for you to throw bananas?! Calm the fuck down, you looked like a psycho. (You are at Rutgers and have to understand that some of us have not yet fully developed. Like your spelling skills.) My hallway...smells like creamed corn
To the girl in my Women, Culture & Society Class at night on College Ave: Shut the fuck up!!!!!!! You are a poor excuse of a “women.” All you freaking say is “I think this” and “I think that” and you say ?like? over like like you know like 2843789739879275 times! Learn how to speak before you decide to make a point about everything discussed in class. All you care about is your own opinion, and saying “like” so many freaking times makes you such a stereotypical white girl. 4/1 7:14 pm- I’m on my 13th cup of coffee and I have reached a temporary plateau where I stop feeling any effects. Must carry bed sheets in case of narcoleptic attack. Dear big boobies at 12th ﬂoor Rockoff, you have too much big boobies. Give some of that shit to those of us who are not as endowed. Now that Obama’s the man you gotta share the wealth, and you’re in need of some double taxation. b
When was the last time that you showered? I’m about to call cbs, help me howard! Please pull me out, the odor is like sweat and poo. And the inside of your ass is a horrible view. For god’s sake what did you eat? I’m guessing a million pounds of raw meat! It’s dark, tight and hairy, It’s scarier than a cemetery! Your ass like like quicksand, it sinks me in. Hoping you will fart so I can get pulled out from within When will you get up, and pull me out??? I’m sure theirs a safe place, I have no doubt
Next time you think a small is ﬁne Think again on your size, and spend an extra 1.99 And don’t you dare hang me in the shower! I deserve to be put in a washing machine and dryer Not only am I suffering from this same pain But omg you farted and now I have a terrible brown stain! There are hair extenover my z sions...all ﬂoor!! GNARLY! 4/2 9:56 am- I’m on my 21st cup of coffee. Haha I just shat out everything I ate today in three seconds! The water in my res hall tastes like any liquid other than water
Even if fuckin Gumby were on the bus, you’d probably STILL stare straight ahead with that blank comatose look on your face!
Your mom makes you say “darted” instead of “farted?!” Nice...so when she makes dinner is she like “Ok kids, the fuck’s hot B I R D M A A A N ! and ready to be served!” spacespacespacespace H U Z Z A H ! spacespacespacespace
Well aren’t you fast and furious, you just drag raced in a parking lot for a whole 40 feet in your 4 cylinder Honda. Don’t burn the rice when you cook it, now. She’s deahd... wraaapped in plastic
To the couple in my anthro class. Stop it. It isnt cute. you know what would be cuter, Satan’s colon. It has spikes, and dead people. Or being at the receiving end of an elephant that just took a laxative. c r a b s ? c r a b s ?
4/2 7:17 pm- I’m on my 26th cup of coffee and my teacher said he’d give me an automatic A on the exam if I’d just leave and stop tapping my foot like a jackhammer
4/2 10:55 pm- I’m on my 37th cup of coffee and I think time has slowed down, which means more time for me to study! Or else I expired...don’t know, better not take any chances. To the skanky hos in Religions of the Western World with me, why are your dumb asses in this class? Seriously, your article presentation was the stupidest shit ever, your appearance makes me want to hurl, and I come out of class to hear you talking about oral sex techniques. I used to think the only reason you should open your mouth was for me to fuck it, but after hearing you say “Frankie” complained you give “boring” head and don’t “suck it and jerk it”, I think I’m just gonna pass; a vacuum cleaner stuffed with wet paper towels gives better oral than you, a p p a r e n t l y . P.S. This is the second personal in a row about you dumb bitches, SO GET A CLUE To the people in the Busch slivers, is there something in the water that makes you stuck up and ruin people’s lives. Go fuck each other’s eye sockets till you bleed out. that would be the only useful thing you will ever do you piece of shit. Go fuck up someone else’s life. Your parents must spit on you everytime they see you because you are what people call a parasite. The only thing you will amount to is a portable shit eater or a urinal. (Watch your mouth, porta potties and urinals can lead very fulﬁlling lives. Literally... I mean, just think about Super Bowl halftime...) Hey biker who doesn’t give a “heads up” as he’s riding 40 miles an hour down the sidewalk, I just love having skid marks on my face...haha, I used to only have ‘em in places where no one could see them! Are you going to be awake for a while because you just drank 40 cups of coffee? Send me your personals at personals@themedium. n e t
Wednesday, 8 April 2008 Damn, Demarest Hall. You guys had quite the drama this whole year! Last semester’s drama I give a 9/10 on the Drama Scale, with this semester being around a...6 or 7/10. I dunno. Here’s hoping you get less petty & immature people next year! (My friend, who shall remain unidentiﬁed, has told me about some funny/fucked up shit they have encountered as an RA there. Glad I never had to deal with all those faggots and hipsters and their stupid bullshit drama.) To “The passover kid” as you are now called in my climatology class. Thanks for fucking over the entire class with your religious bullshit, now everybody in the class hates you. Not only that, but you’ve turned about 100 people into anti-Semites. Anyway, I hope you get hit by a bus. (You better tell us all what happened next week. This has to be good.) Hey Neilson, get rid of Chinese night already. You ever notice how there’s never ever a line for Chinese night? Its because your Chinese food is so god awful its basically inedible. Either bring back nacho night or replace it with something you actually know how to make. want to know a secret? asian people cannot drive. To the superjew in my infant&child dev class: no one wants to listen to your stories about your husband and what you cook for dinner every night. To the brown kid whos in love with the crazy married superjew: stop pretending to be straight because no straight guy with balls wears pants that tight. Go ﬁnd a jew cock to suck. To the cum dumpster of a girl that dwells in Lippincott. You are a fucking bitch. God bless the man who could put up with your good times. And the good times with you are probably as fun as getting a wisdom tooth removed, with no Novocain. To Dan i’m really tired of putting up with your shit. Can you do something useful with me? if all you do is play WOW on me i will run away, again. Love Chair.
“Itch with hellﬁre, my balls do.”
To that guy singing for that commercial for some talent show. You suck at singing and you make my ears bleed. I bet that guy who said your singing made him excited thought you suck at this and would rather be fed to wolves than hear you sing. (Rutgers people can sing? The only talent I hear that Rutgers people are known for involves dicks and good control of one’s gag reﬂex.) Dear Creepy Albert, you’re tarnishing my good name! Start wearing a fucking bell or something so people can distinguish who the creepy freshman is! On behalf of all real Alberts, Stop being so fucking creepy! (Having the name “Albert” sucks already. If your parents named you “Albert” and you were born after 1920, you fail.) to those who feel bad for albert, shut the fuck up. you’re almost as bad as him. you deserve the pubes on your face and the creeper jacket. you should just suck his dick already, he wants to suck everyone else’s. i heard he went down on a professor for coke... (Yummy, dick for coke...) To the 4th ﬂoor RA in the North Tower on Livingston (the crybaby bitch who made that kid apologize for calling out how much of a tool you are), You’re a little girl. I’ve only dealt with you once last semester, and you were such a tool I haven’t graced that building with my presence since (That’s assuming your presence qualiﬁes as “gracing” which is probably not the case. Oh and to that RA: keep fucking yourself.) To a certain Mr. P.T.: Follow the fucking rules or we won’t print your shit. You have to send ALL SUBMISSIONS FROM AN EDEN ACCOUNT OR WE WILL NOT PRINT IT, NO EXCEPTIONS! It’s a simple rule for fuck’s sake. Everyone who isn’t fucking retarded needs to send their submissions to Personals@TheMedium. net from an eden account ONLY! Thank you come again.
To: my ignorant cunt of a roommate, you are the most racist fucking Nigerian I’ve ever met. I can go on forever about how much you fucking suck, but instead I’ll just say I can’t fucking wait until this semester is over and I don’t have to smell your musky ass. USE DEODORANT YOU UGLY BITCH. To my roommate. Goddamn you sound like you’re some fake ass wannabe cocky jock. Face it, you are not the shit and your fake cockyness is making me want to strangle you because it is annoying as hell. BTW, every time you piss me off, I put it on F m y l i f e . (Dude, you write in every fucking week about how big of a douche your roommate is. Either rip off his head already or shut the fuck up, bitch. Man up for fuck’s sake and ‘zend us picturez of ze corpse,’ B WA H A H A H A H A H A ! ) Dear Tuesday morning REXL guy: Thought you were a loser ﬂailing your arms to Dragonforce. Then you took out your earbuds. Sorry dude, living like that must be a bitch. Boris, you’re barely one step up from mongoloid. Quit bitching about everything during Marty’s class. And who names their kid Boris? Dasvidaniya comrade. (Boring. Next.) Boris Yells At Puppies. (No one cares, dick.) To the three guys that work in the College Ave post ofﬁce: Seriously? Can you move any fucking slower? And what’s with closing for an hour just two hours after opening, no other post ofﬁce does that. Need a break already from doing absolutely fucking nothing? Oh, and the next time you walk to get my package, Larry, don’t stop to chew the fat with Mo and Curly because me and like a line of 12 other people are waiting. Your complete lack of customer service and professionalism make me want to throw the next book I ship at your head. Who likes buttsex? I like buttsex!
to roots, dump your ugly boyfreind and do his twin. the twin is much better looking To the brown haired girl that’s always in Neilson that wrote about me in the Medium (like a little bitch and didn’t say it to my face), I seriously saw you stealing the Froyo toppings into your hand and eating them. You’re a disgrace to mankind and I think you are repulsive and quite honestly a whore. I may steal the food with my bare hands and eat it but at least I do it with a little bit of integrity. Oh yeah, and do you think you could save some of the coffee for the other thousands of people that come in to eat daily? To the fucking weirdo in Neilson that samples the food by putting it into his hands. Ok yes you heard me, he literally dumps the food into, or picks it up and then eats it right then and there with no plate- are you seriously fucking joking. You are the most disgusting piece of shit I have ever seen. PS can you wear pants next time? I guess you didn?t get the memo that booty shorts aren?t in style anymore. Unless if you think you’re a 16 year old girl or a 75 year old man. (What is it with Neilson and people sucking ass there? Oh yeah, it’s on the women’s campus. Go fucking ﬁgure, those stupid fat angry bitches.. Hey annoying kid down the hall who suck shit at base, why the FUCK do you have to play shitty slap base every day from 6am til your bed time at 8pm? YOU FUCKING SUCK AND EVERYONE HATES YOUR BASE. stop -The angry kid down the hall (Wow, I’v never heard of a “base” guitar, you fucking idiot. Don’t submit if you’re that retarded, it makes my eyes bleed.) Hey Jackass roommate, next time you leave your fucking keys and ID in the room while you’re out somewhere, I will personally leave and lock the door so your ass will be locked out of the room and the building. I probably won’t open the door for you because I’ll probably be somewhere else far from the dorm.
THE MEDIUM To the guidos that live on Stone Street (if you can read): It’s pathetic that you can only get with freshmen girls- when they are drunk. (If we’re thinking about the same people, go to their party and chop off their dicks.) I just walked into Murray hall and was confronted by two really nice ﬂatscreen TV’s, broadcasting useless shit I get from Rutgers listserve emails every day and promptly delete. What the fuck? You assholes are raising my tuition, bitching to Corzine about insufﬁcient funds and calling me during dinner to hit me up for cash, then you go out and buy TWO over priced ﬂatscreens (you dont need) like a hooker on welfare. Why not put that money into getting AV equipment that actually works in some of the classrooms? I guess what I’m saying is: Rutgers, go fuck yourself, in the ass, with a hot knife. To that dirty kid in hardenbergh 3, you look retarded in that fucking english hat. take a shower you smell. Stop whining no one cares about you and your fucking whiny jewish bitch voice. Fuck those faggots who are in the computer labs taking up all the computers on facebook, when i am trying to use the printer. It pisses me off so much,to see these kids on facebook while i am waiting on line. To my Greek Christianity prof: how the fuck can you grade so absurdly when half of our class is dumber that fucking Forrest Gump? For fuck’s sake ease up, I should be sleeping in your class.
Hey assholes! Special announcement from us! Coming soon to a Medium near you: an issue of ALL PERSONALS! Start writing those fuckers down and save ‘em, more details in the coming weeks!
THE WHAT’S SHAKIN’ April 8th, 2009 MEDIUM What’s Shakin’? You Better Remember... “They’re GRRRRRREAT!”
4/14 @ The State Theatre - Metallica. The Gods of Rock bless lowly New Brunswick for one night of Rockgasms. Oh, wait. Metallica. Hah.
4/18 @ New York City - Some black person will be shot by another black person, according to the statistics provided to me in my Criminology course that I took in 2006. 4/20 @ Planet Earf - People around the world will ﬁnd any excuse possible to smoke weed, April 20th being the pen-ultimate. April 20th is also Hitler’s birthday, congratulations pot-heads, you’re not only stupid, you celebrate Hitler’s birthday every year. 4/25 @ Rutgers University - Rutgers Day! Not to be confused with Rutgers Fest, which will only slightly suck, Rutgers Day combines all of the lesser events at Rutgers into one day of shit on all campuses.
What’s Frosted Flakin’?
While searching for graphics involving Frosted Flakes or Tony the Tiger, I came across a nugget of fortune. Banana Frosted Flakes? Really? I love Bananas, yes I love penis as well, thank you for making that joke, bro. I also love Frosted Flakes. Why do these things not exist anymore? I’d Wikipedia Frosted Flakes, but I’m banned from it because I kept changing the article for Xzibit, adding that his newest album was titled “Yellow Cunts 4 Life.” I reckon however, that Banana Frosted Flakes were banned due to the fact that Tony looks like he’s about to dive into that banana, Reverend Holy Fuck style. Slut.
Mighty Max represents my entire childhood. I don’t know his origin story, so I will create one now. It all started when Max Anderson, a normal ten year-old boy decided to be fucking awesome, and ﬁght Frankenstein, mummies, a giant-spider (see above diagram) and I’m pretty sure he ﬁghts God. This hero amongst men was honored by having 1/100th scale toys created in his likeness. Also, I lost every fucking little Mighty Max I ever had, and it was the most annoying shit ever. What am I supposed to do with a bunch of tiny little Mighty Max mazes if I have no Mighty Max? Seriously. What?
Free Kanye West Concert!
Busch Student Center Room 115 @ 9:30 PM Free Drinks? Note: Kanye West is not going to be at Rutgers, in fact, no one semi-famous is ever going to come here. If you fell for this, even for a second, seriously, why are you at Rutgers. But while you feel bad about yourself, you should come stop by for a Good time with the people who make the Medium. We all hate ourselves, most especially our bodies. We usually throw up in the bathroom after we eat. You into that? Oh, you are? You naughty boy you. Come on over. We can play doctor.
Last time I held a caption contest, the entries I got sucked. This time, put some effort in. You know the drill, send me a caption for this photo, winner gets 10 bucks outta my pocket. Send all captions to [MrCocktopus@gmail.com] Good Luck, Douches.
Published on Apr 8, 2009